Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ Chris Distefano https://instagram.com/chrisdcomedy Donate to Qaden Bales https://www.gofundme.com/f/lets-send-a-wonderful-kid-to-disneyland ----------------------------------------------------------- This episode brought to you by… Bespoke Visit https://BoxofAwesome.com and use code THEO at checkout for 20% off your first monthly box ----------------------------------------------------------- Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw ----------------------------------------------------------- Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis ----------------------------------------------------------- Music “Shine” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn ----------------------------------------------------------- Gunt Squad www.patreon.com/theovon Name Aaron Rasche Alex Bmayer Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Amy Love Andrew Valish Anthony Holcombe April Schultze Ashley Konicki Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Streit Brandon Woolsey Brian meek Chad Kleier Christopher Becking Christopher Burton Cody Anderson Cody Kenyon Crystal David Christopher Dentist the menace Dionne Enoch Dusty Baker Eric Tobey Gillian Neale Ginger Levesque Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter James Schneider Jameson Flood Jayme Sta Jeremy Weiner Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joey Piemonte Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan Josh Nemeyer Joy Hammonds Julie Ogden Justin Doerr Kevtron Kyle Baker Kyle McGreevy Lacey Ann Lawrence Abinosa Lea Rashka Leighton Fields LJ Logan Yakemchuk Madeline Matthews Matt Nichols Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Miles Sadler Mona McCune myinitialsareOKbutimnot Nicholas Leach Nick Roma Noah Bissell Passenger Shaming Qie Jenkins Raye Vella Roxy Deputy Ruben Prado Ryan Hawkins Sagar Jha Scott Turnbull Shane Pacheco Shona MacArthur Stephen Trottier Suzanne O'Reilly Tanner Marvel Taryn Feingold Theo Wren Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Tito Liebowitz Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tugzy Mills Vanessa Amaya Vince Gonsalves William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Today's guest is a friend of mine from our time on the Opian Anthony Show and Opian Jim Norton as well, sorry.
He is a comedian.
He's one of the hosts of the History Hyenas podcast.
It's my friend and what is not an ally called?
and nemesis, Mr. Chris DeStefano.
Oh, my.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Do you speak to Oprah anymore?
Yeah, I was going to do a tweet.
And then that guy died.
Carl.
Yeah.
God is so sad, huh?
Yeah.
Carl's a beautiful guy.
What happened?
He's a great guy.
Was it drugs, you think?
I think drugs didn't help.
Him and Shira.
But I think it was just eating.
I personally think that, just my opinion, that he was really fucking sad and devastated when his wife divorced him.
Oh, his wife left him that blonde?
His wife left him and she cheated on him with a busboy, yeah.
And he found out, and then he moved to a cabin in the woods and was like, hey, I cut her a check for whatever, 200K.
She's out of my life.
Fuck it.
I'm the happiest I've ever been.
I live in the woods now.
Every day was like shot of whiskey and, you know, fuck that food.
No, no, not even that.
Like, he would be like, yo, I eat McDonald's all day, every day.
Yeah, he was just, and he would always post ruizing, R-U-I-Z-I-N-G, Ruizing.
And so, but the food was crazy, like the worst shit you, you know, Big Mac with a devil dog would syrup on it and would eat it.
And he was like, Ruizing.
And people start tweeting at him, ru-izing, ru-iz-ing.
And then he just didn't wake up one day.
But I think, you know, when you're for in your mid-40s, you start doing stuff like that.
Anybody is apt to have a heart attack.
Yeah, it's dangerous too.
It's like, you know.
And he's a chef, too.
We're talking about Carl Ruiz.
Yeah, Carl Ruiz or Ruiz.
Yeah.
And your shit, yeah, R-U-I-Z.
Everybody's seen that type of name, but.
And also, yeah, you never kind of know how it is.
Ruiz.
Ruiz.
I'm from May Ruiz.
Ruiz.
The Mad Cuban.
Yeah, the Mad Cuban.
And he, dude, that's got to be your worst nightmare.
You are a chef.
Right.
And your wife leaves you with a bus boy.
That's the rumor.
I don't know if that is actually how it happened.
That's what we were told.
That's what he said on, you know, when we used to do OP and all that.
But it's a story of the, it's just, it's such a Greek tragedy almost.
You're in the back of the kitchen.
Right.
You're doing it.
You're doing a lamb chop.
You're doing a scallion.
Right.
You know?
Right.
You're doing the work.
Right.
Then you got this little millie freaking vanilli guy out here filling waters and freaking offering extra butter.
And he might have been another Ruiz, too.
Most chances are, a bus boy working at a restaurant in New Jersey's last name is also Ruiz.
So it's all in the family.
It's kind of whack because he raised her kids like they were his own.
Wow.
Because those weren't his biological children, but they called him dad and everything like that.
And he just left, man.
And then he had just opened up this beautiful brand spanking-ass new restaurant, I believe, in Midtown.
And then he fucking died like a month into it.
And was the restaurant still going?
Yeah, I think the restaurant is closed now because he's gone.
Or maybe it changed.
Something changed about the restaurant now.
But yeah, he was, it was such a shocking thing when he died.
Carl Ruiz.
His breath always stunk, though, so I always wondered if there was something rotting inside him.
Oh, rotting in Carl Ruiz.
He always had stinky breath.
And that's no disrespect.
I'm not disrespecting the dead.
You know, I wouldn't do that.
But I'm saying, I used to say, like, his breath always smelled like hot ass.
And I'm just wondering if that, if there was something always going on, like a hole or something.
It seemed like he kind of did one of those Zen dip packs and never took it out.
He never took it out.
Yeah, like he got a, what is that thing that women get if they leave a tampon him for too long?
Like a toxic, toxic sock syndrome.
It seemed like he had toxic socks syndrome from a Zen dip.
It smelled like one of his tonsils was dead and the other one was alive.
Yeah.
Like just, it wasn't all the way horrid, but something, there was some part of him, of his mouth, like a dead tooth or a dead tonsil, something or food stuck, but something was always stank.
And the living one had hid the dead one and was telling the cops he didn't know what happened to it.
Exactly.
The living one killed the dead one.
Yeah, that's true.
It's true.
But, you know, R.I.P.
to Carl, I love him and I always will.
Yeah.
R.I.P.
Carl Ruiz.
Yeah.
Or Ruiz.
Ruiz.
Yeah, Carl.
We call him the Mad Cuban.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The Mad Cuban.
That's when you and I met.
I was going to say, he's connected to us.
R.I.P.
Carl.
RIP Carl, man.
Man, he had such a big heart, man.
He has such a, well, yeah, I guess, yeah, or he didn't.
I don't know what happened to him, they said that.
Well, because if he died that early, he probably had a little heart.
Yeah.
But he had a big soul.
Small-hearted.
Small-hearted, yeah.
Small-hearted.
And we got Nick Davis and Dom DePettis here, too.
Yeah, Don DePetta, everybody.
We didn't have enough time to get him on camera.
He's fine as fuck, too.
He's on camera.
We can see him.
GoPro.
GoPro.
Not high Jeff or anything.
Nick, you're cute, too.
Thanks, buddy.
You really are.
You're one of those rare guys that can pull off bangs.
Dang, he is kind of hot.
He's got nice bangs, man.
Dude, you guys were just, you and Don were just in Cleveland, right?
Right, Cleveland at Hilarity's Comedy Club.
Thank you.
The last time I went through there, I sold like 500 seats, which for me, that was good.
But this time, the whole weekend, 1,500 out of 1,600.
So for me, that's like a new ball field.
And I was telling you before the show, it all started when I came on your podcast last January, got the ball rolling.
But you and Bert, when I did you guys back-to-back in the same week, I will never forget, I was just telling Don this.
I had 99,000 followers on Monday, like when I came back.
You know, it came through the weekend.
Then you and Bert released in the same week.
By Friday of that week, I had 139,000.
Wow.
So now followers, who cares about the followers?
It's not about the vanity of it.
It's about you guys gave me a real opportunity to gain your fans and give me the opportunity for me to perform for them.
And then they stuck around.
And they're still buying.
And now they're fans of my podcast, The History Hyenas.
Because we get it all the time because we're like, where'd we find you?
We send out little service.
And it's always like this past weekend or Birch Show or there's a Big Pockets in New York.
Girls Gotta eat Andrew Schultz, and then recently The Fighter and the Kid that I did a couple of months ago, all that stuff.
It's all the podcasts.
Like, it's got nothing to do with television at all anymore.
It's just the podcast and what you can, how you can maximize that on the internet.
So, appreciate it.
Yeah, no, man.
Look, I'm glad that you came, and I'm glad you came back, man.
You got nice fingers, too.
I know if that's one of those things I've never said to you, but I've been watching your IG for a long time, and I've been friends with you, I think, since 2013, 14, and you got some of the nicest fingers in the game and toes.
I didn't realize that you're because you're wearing thong-toed sandals right now.
So you got toes.
I'd like to put mustard on your toes and ketchup on your fingers and take a bite out of your hot dog.
Is thong-toed sandals, is that too much?
Is that like a woman kind of wearing a thong or what is that like?
If you came out, if you, I'll be honest with you, if you came to my part of Brooklyn, right, with the thong-toed sandals like that, there's a chance, not when you're with me, but there's a chance like, you know, one of my boys' names, Pat Finnegan, Patty Fly Balls, he would hit you with a taped-up wiffle ball bat just because he would think, like, why is this dude coming out with no socks on?
Yeah, so you got a guy, an adult, doing freaking the lamest crime ever, bro.
Yeah.
What the hell are you going to do?
Are you going to rob a bank with a slingshot?
Dude, he used to tape quarters and nickels to the end of a wiffle ball bat and then put tape around it and just hit people in the back of the head with it.
And you just say, you just get lit up by batty fly balls.
You, when I was young, people used, if people, if somebody was really upset, you would go up to them and you'd be like, you mad.
You would hit your throat and say, you're mad.
And it would make them so much madder, bro.
Of course.
There's something about that when people, you're mad.
Yeah.
And then you get hit.
Or what about this?
You go like that and then they'd look, see, I've caught you.
You get punched in the stomach for that.
Yeah.
That's like an embarrassing thing.
But they don't do that stuff anymore.
It's like dangerous youth.
It's like white crime.
It's like white childhood homoerotic crime.
I got to be honest with you, though, man.
the neighborhood I grew up in, we did that white homoerotic shit, but if you fucked with the Albanians, the Albanians in my neighborhood- Sand Christians.
In Ridgewood, Queens, Ridgewood, Bushwick area, Queens, Brooklyn area.
Bro, one time we were playing ball, right?
Somebody elbowed one of the Albanians by accident.
Kid got pissed off.
Came back 20 minutes later, 10 deep, okay?
Two of the Albanians had chainsaws.
Active chainsaws.
Running on the court with the chainsaws, trying to take off fucking limbs.
Damn.
Yeah, so nobody ever messed with the Albanians in my neighborhood.
They had a gang out there.
But imagine somebody coming out you with a chainsaw for realsies.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, dude.
I used to work.
I used to do not logging, but I did yard work for a man.
And yeah.
You guys obviously have never done any actual work.
And I had to work with this mentally challenged dude.
They called him, what was that guy's name?
Hold on.
They called him Tiger Cat, but I don't remember what his name was.
Right.
Ronnie?
Yeah, his name was Ronnie.
And they also called him Go Head Ronnie.
Go Head Ronnie, yeah.
And he was mentally disabled.
Right.
Or, yeah, he was mentally disabled.
And so one, so they, we get one chainsaw between the two of us, right?
And he took it, you know, and so I'm supposed to be kind of the foreman.
And he's literally lining up the thing and about to start it.
And instead of having it on a branch, has it lined up on my leg, bro?
Wow.
Not even like, not like just zoned out.
Like, or this is where we started.
You got thick fucking tree trunk legs, too.
The top, not the bottom.
No, I know, because your leg, I've always noticed that.
I mean, I was always like thick legs, dude.
Absolutely, man.
And you never really wanted to be a little bit more.
Why are you looking at me?
You got a thick ass.
Yeah.
Yeah, you do.
I got a thick ass.
I got the ass of a DS, like a kind of like a young black girl with downstairs.
Are you in shape?
Are you staying in shape?
You look in shape, but how do you feel?
Yeah, I don't feel.
I feel tired, but I did go to the gym this morning, and I'm going to go again on Thursday.
And I'm going to yoga today.
Going to yoga today.
Dude, what's it like different now that when people are selling tickets, like what's that experience like?
I would say that now it's it actually, to be honest with you, the last three shows I've done, three weekends I've done, at least one of those four or five shows, I felt like I was going to pass out and almost actively passed out at least one time a weekend because it's this new thing.
Donnie was with me in Hilarities last week and I was calling for him about 20 minutes into the set.
I was like, you need to be near me because I may faint.
I may go down.
I don't know what it is.
I think it's like this pressure that they know who you are now and you better do well.
But the thing that saves me is because of the podcast, the History of Hyena podcast, I'm so honest and open about it is I was talking to the crowd being like, yo, I'm going to go down.
Because my podcast partner, Yannis Papas, we call him Yanni Nets because he did pass out on stage in Providence.
So he's always got to have Nets behind him.
We're like, yo, there's safety.
So we call him Yanni Nets.
Throw a helmet on that dude, bro.
I know, man.
I was like, so I'm going to be Chrissy Nets.
I was like, I'm Chrissy Nets right now.
I may go down.
So they were like laughing along with it.
But if they didn't know who I was, I would have fully passed out at Hilarities.
I would have fully passed out.
So there's a little bit of an anxiety-inducing thing to it.
But then it's also like sometimes too good to be true because that's what I'm happy that I'm nowhere near my goal yet, not even close, but I'm happy to be climbing at the pace I'm climbing because I've, you know, started out as a, of course, open micer, then would feature on the road, MC on the road, then feature on the road, and then headline, you know, the low D rooms.
Even if I got into A rooms, it would be July 4th weekend or some half full weekend, not really getting paid what I deserved at the time, but not, you know, I wasn't making any real money.
And now to start climbing and sell out shows before I get there or sell a lot of tickets.
But you see, like, what do you mean pressure?
Like, the pressure.
Well, it's easy to perform for people, I think, that don't know who you are.
There's no, you're not letting anybody down.
They're going to be let down.
They feel like they're going to be let down anyway.
They're like got barked in or they got a free flyer to go to a show, whereas opposed to somebody now paid a whatever, 20, 30, sometimes $40 ticket price, you know, depending on whatever venue you're at.
You know, you know how it is.
I'm daring if you need new shoes or not.
Yeah, bro.
Listen, man.
My daughter eats a lot of fucking applesauce.
So it depends on whatever it is.
And it's like there's pressure on that.
There's pressure to be like, these people, they had paid money.
They got babysitters.
I need to do well for them.
Yeah, you know, it's funny.
I was thinking recently that I felt like more of a pressure.
I liked having the element of surprise a lot.
And it's a little tougher to have it when people are coming out.
They know they come to see you.
Right.
You know, when people don't know how you're going to be, there's an element of, there's an element of surprise.
There's a mystery you can kind of play with.
They don't know you.
You know, there's like, I don't know.
It's like it's a real thing.
If I don't know who this guy is, then I can be – I could be unaware of how, you know, how he's entertaining me sometimes.
You know, I could be, you know, his humor could be very unique.
Whereas then if people know you, then it's different.
Since you've been at the success level, have you been out with the theaters and all that?
Have you taken a hot, fat fucking bomb yet?
Like a hot, like a real fat one?
Like just a nice sit-oh in front of 1500 plus, just a real stinker?
Because it happens, man.
Where you just take a full sit-oh.
Somebody goes, that's a no-no.
And it's just that you're just eating it and you start going, where you from?
Or you start going, yo, you know what's weird?
There's nothing funnier.
There's nothing, the only things that can make comedians belly, belly, belly laugh is watching another good comedian bomb and a fart joke or a fart or just not even a fart joke, just an actual, just a wet, nasty, fucking rip-your-asshole third-gear fart.
Like that guy on barstool, you see that guy on barstool with the third gear fart?
It's something to look up.
Do you think the farts are getting nastier in certain countries or not?
I think, yeah, well, I think that's why I think we need a wall is because I think, you know, outside the United States, those farts, man, that's the reason every time Trump's like, we need a wall, I'm like, yeah, Mexican assholes are dirty.
We get that idea.
And Canadian assholes too, man.
Don't sleep on Canadian, don't sleep on how disgusting a Canadian fart could be.
Poutine?
You know what that's like?
That's cheese curd.
I want a wall around all that because there's a wall around us, man.
Well, why is it everybody should just get a little wall that they can bring with them and put wherever they want?
Canada and Mexico, because the truth of the situation is- There's a bourbon guy right here.
Ain't never here a fart hit third gear is the caption.
Take a look.
Damn.
And they're going to blame it somehow on white people, I'm sure, dude.
That's insane.
Insane, right?
Wow, dude.
Tokyo drift, huh?
Dude, I was watching that thing for an hour yesterday, crying.
My beautiful four-year-old daughter was doing ballet and doing some of the finest moves she's ever done and get her to new heights in her life.
And I was headburied in the phone, crying, laughing because of this dude's third gear fart.
And her mom was like, this is why we can't be together.
Her mom was just, she was like, this is why.
I'm just always going to be cold parents.
Because I was just like, yo, crying.
She thought I was crying.
At first, my kids' mom thought I was crying because of how beautiful my daughter nailed a pirouette.
I was listening to that with my headphones on.
Hysterical crying at the ballet.
And look at, are they husband and wife, you think?
Yes, they are.
He just blasted his wife with that.
Oh, could you imagine what those undies must look like?
Yo, his draws must be wild.
Dude, I can't even imagine.
So like that would make me cry laughing and watching a good, good, good comedian or a video of myself bombing hard where like you just can't get like you're just eating it.
Like I just did the Impractical Jokers cruise.
I wasn't.
I was supposed to be on there.
Yeah, it was fun, man.
It was fun.
See a lot of fat ass people, but it was fun.
Well, whatever, you know, I'm fat.
I'm not, I'm not, I'm in better shape, but I still got fat, puffy nipples.
I'm still a size.
I used to be 38 weights, now I'm at 36. Yeah.
So I've slimmed down, but I'm still.
Like I wouldn't hit, if you were coworkers, I probably wouldn't hit on you.
I wouldn't if you were female.
Well, the thing is like this, is I always feel like it's, you know, people have said this to me and they're right.
I got leader man face, best friend, body.
That's what it is.
It's a letdown.
It's a letdown with women with me.
Usually they think it's going to be something else.
I think I'm, you know, this tough guys guy, whatever, that I got that look.
Some people tell me I look like Ben Affleck.
Some people tell me I look like Ben Stiller.
It's a big difference.
You look like Ben Better.
I know that.
Yeah.
Yeah, dude.
So I'm sorry, Rob.
Yeah.
Yeah, Ben Better.
Yeah.
Yeah, dog damn, dude.
You look like somebody who using performance enhancing drugs to swim.
Dude, you look like Rhea Perlman.
Do I really?
You got Rhea Perlman hair.
She's talented.
She is talented.
Bro, Cheers is a good show.
Sometimes I feel like CBS is my cheers because I'm always getting STDs.
Yeah.
Just always in there like, yo, y'all got me?
Oh, Rhea Perlman.
No, wow.
Extremely Jewish.
Yeah, she's got the, yeah.
No, but we said you look like you have the same hair as Eileen Wernos.
Oh, yeah.
That was an old clip.
With Carl, R.I.P.
Carl, we said that you look like Eileen Wernos, the first female serial killer ever killed.
You had that kind of hair going.
But that's all right.
What were you talking about?
Oh, I was saying that, like, yeah, like laughing at...
So you have it.
The thing that make me, oh, I have not bought.
No, I haven't.
Actually, this weekend in two weeks ago in Maryland, I had a tough show.
Right, Maryland.
Yeah, and I'm like, it was a big place, man.
It was 2,500.
So it was like one of the biggest places that I've been in to perform.
Maybe in the States, the biggest place, right?
You move tickets, brother.
But it was crazy, man.
And it was amazing, you know, everybody that came out and stuff.
But.
Oh, wow.
That was a call.
I call that a top of the cracker.
That came right out of the top of my ass cracker.
Sometimes it's interesting.
Sometimes a fart is really right on deck.
And then sometimes it's very lost.
And it's kind of like, almost like they have to call it to the front of the line.
Like its mom just got there to pick it up at Carpool.
And it's like, hey, where's Ronnie?
Yeah, and then it came out of the top of my ass.
So I didn't even mean to time it that way, but it was one of those things where I can't hold it in anymore.
It's going to find a way out.
And it leaked out at the top.
Oh, then there was a man very similar to that, which is exactly what made the show so tough in Maryland.
Just a guy in the front is being just crazy.
Yeah, right?
Just too much sometimes, you know.
And that stage was really big, and the acoustics were like different.
And so it was like, just it was, It was tougher to manage.
It was like, okay, I'm having to manage something that's different here.
Like, you know, the stage is bigger, so how much do I move on the stage?
So I tried to move up and down the whole stage instead of just, I probably should have just took the middle third and just moved up and down that.
How, how, have you had some since, you know, obviously with these bigger venues, had a time where you felt like you were going to pass out, even if it was going great, 20 minutes into the set, 30 minutes into the set, overwhelming energy.
Has that happened to you?
Or you always feel in control when you're on stage?
Like it's like your safe zone?
I felt a lot.
I feel in control.
I just feel like I think I just feel tired.
I think it's just like, okay, we're getting through it.
I want everybody to see the show.
I want everybody to see the tour.
So it's like, you know, places keep popping up that we haven't been.
You bring the same dudes with you?
Yeah.
You bring the same guy most of the time.
This guy, Ari Manis.
Oh, great.
It's so important, right, to have somebody on the road with you to keep your mental health.
Oh, he helps me so much.
Because if you sit there alone, I don't care how successful you are, you start to really think about everything, and then it starts to real.
So that's why I like having Don, and I got my other boy Sergio Chacon, they come out with me.
Yeah, he's like an Ari Manus like a service animal, man.
He's great, dude.
He's always level-headed.
He's always the same.
Like, if I'm losing my mind or something.
Yeah, because you're sober, too, right?
He's always the same.
Yeah, that's why I got Don.
Don't a piece of shit.
He drinks and he's.
That's why I have Don.
But Don is good because Don's always down for a good time.
Sergio is 10 years sober.
Wow.
Boxing instructor.
So when you, you know how when we go on the road, you come back that Monday and you're like, oh man, I got to hit the gym.
I fucked up.
With Sergio, you come back like, yo, I could take Monday off because he's got you up at 7 a.m.
doing drills, working.
So it's good to have him.
I like having both guys.
That's unfair a little bit.
Donnie and I do work out.
We work out.
Donnie does work out.
That's right.
Don doesn't, I mean, Donnie works.
Don't a sex addict.
I believe all of that.
I believe that Don works out.
I don't believe that he works, that he seems like a guy that works out.
Right.
Wow.
Yeah, I don't have a, you know how some men have like a V?
I have an H. It just goes straight.
Yeah.
No, you look good with no shirt on.
Thanks.
Okay.
Nice.
I believe it, man.
Look, a lot of men look good, I think.
I'm one of those guys, like, I just, no matter what.
But not sexual good.
That's where I'm drawing.
Here's a lady right here with a question.
Oh, for me?
Yeah.
Hey, Theo and Chris.
I hope you're both doing well.
So my question is for both of you.
I know Chris has mentioned he's played high school and college basketball.
So if you had a pickup game of just stand-up comedians, who would be your starting five and why?
Thanks for everything.
Great question.
You want to go first or want me to go first?
Well, I lose by letting you go first.
Go ahead, you go first, then.
Okay, I'm going to go first.
This is a great question, by the way.
It is a great question.
We got to do it like the playground.
Theo gets a pick, then on the snake, Chris gets two.
Chris gets two, and then Theo gets two.
All right, we'll do it like that.
Go ahead, you go first, Theo.
shit.
Years ago, they tried to...
Is this a...
Years ago.
Is this live?
Hold on.
My first pick, I need a basketball player.
I need somebody.
You know, I'm honestly, I am thinking Urban out of the gate.
I'm trying to see who's out there that's a good player that maybe used to play.
You're already taking.
I'm going to go with.
All right.
I'm going to go with my boy.
I'll go with Brennan Schaub.
I'll put him down in the paint.
Brennan Schaub?
Yeah.
I was thinking, too, I want to only pick black guys, so I'm going to start off with Andrew Schultz.
And then, so I got hold on.
No mop, no fashion in the paint.
You know what I'm saying, bro?
You do more than three seconds of fashion in the paint, you're out.
So I'm going to take Andrew Schultz as my first black guy.
And then second, I'm going to take second, I'm going to take, I'll take Dave Chappelle Wow.
Does he hoop?
I don't know, but it's just nice to have two black legends on your squad.
Respect, respect.
I'm going to go with...
This is so tough, even though I have this wall right here to help.
I'm going to go with...
Give me...
You take two.
Okay.
Then I'm going to go with...
Nice.
You'll go one more, right?
And I'm going to go with...
Nice.
That's a nice pick.
That's defense.
That's defense.
Andrew Jones.
So now I've picked my final two.
Okay.
So my final two, I'll say I will go with my second pick.
I'd like to go with Eric Griffin.
Nice.
Yeah.
He's tall.
He can coach when he, yeah.
Yeah, well, no, I got to pick for who my coach is going to be.
Okay.
And then for the fifth, my final, I'd like to round it out.
I'll round it out with Bill Burr.
Wow.
I'll round it out with Bill Burr.
Just a tough Boston guy that, you know, will miss one shot and start punching people in the face, cause a fight.
I like that.
I want a scrappy white dude.
That's Bill Burr.
Respect, man.
I'm going to roll then.
I need a little bit of outside.
I'm going to need a shooter from the outside.
So I'm going to go with...
I'm going to go with...
Give me Sebastian.
I'll take Sebastian Minister.
Nice.
Chicago.
He stays in shape.
And I could see him.
It might be really hilarious to watch, but I could see him somehow shooting a three-pointer.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, in those pants.
And I can see him jumping when he does it.
He needs to jump, yeah.
You got one more pick.
All right, I got one more pick.
Then I'm going to need a little bit more help down in the paint.
I'm going to go with somebody long.
I'm going to go with Chris Porter.
Nice, Chris Porter.
That's a nice squad.
And now, coach coaching.
My team, I like to be coached by Ari Shafir.
Okay.
I think he's got some words to the reps.
That would piss people off.
Okay, just that.
All right.
My team, I think, is going to be coached by Eric Griffin, actually.
So he's going to have to come out of the game sometime.
Riff and just riff and rep.
Yeah, yeah.
So I would go coached by Eric Griffin.
All right, I think that's a nice squad.
Hopefully that answers the young lady's question.
Y'all going to leave Kirk Fox on the bench?
He's super tall.
And He plays tennis.
He's athletic.
Yeah, I don't know if I see him doing basketball well.
He was also in the Patriot, which was one of my favorite movies.
Interesting.
Shout out Mel Gibson.
I could also give, yeah, Bobby Lee would be nice on the team.
Is it so?
You use him as the basketball.
Yeah.
You just use him as like this, like a complaining little basketball.
I love Bobby Lee, man.
Here's another guy's podcast, the Tiger Belly podcast I did.
Oh, man.
That was fantastic.
So shout out Bobby Lee.
Thank you.
It's so much fun.
I mean, obviously, what is it about the podcast?
I mean, that everybody, I mean, it definitely allows you to know people kind of better, you know?
Yeah.
Well, I think it's because, like when I did also Andrew Santino with Whiskey Ginger, another one that helped me.
It's like you just talk for an hour or two about anything.
Sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's personal, sometimes it's a mix of both.
Divulge information.
People feel like they really know you.
They're investing in you.
It's not like a five-minute little tonight show set, which is fine, or even an hour-long stand-up set, which is still disconnected.
A podcast is like, hey, you know me now.
So it's like I'm listening to you.
You're in my ear for an hour.
It almost feels like a family member, I think, to some people.
I know even me, when I listen to podcasts, sometimes to catch up with you guys, I'll listen to your guys' podcast because I'm like, I can find out about their life this way.
So, and I think that easily makes an audience member buy a ticket.
What I need to do personally is stop divulging so much personal information because I'm pissing members of my family and friends off because I'm making jokes about them using their real name.
It's so in the moment because right now we're just a little studio.
I dealt with my whole town.
Yeah.
Right now we're just like in a little beautiful studio, but like this could be heard by a million plus.
And I'm just yelling Pat Finnegan.
That's his actual birth name.
That's his government name.
And he's an active duty firefighter.
And I just said he used to beat people with a bat and he could lose his job.
Or he could gain work somewhere as a bouncer.
You know what I'm saying?
You got to think of the other side of the coin.
You could be doing something for Pat Finnegan.
Because half this shit is like, you know, I'm having a good time.
I'm telling the truth, but I'm making it up or I'm embellishing the details for performance.
And people get pissed.
Like, even people in my personal life, yo, why the fuck do you say that about me?
I'm like, yo, when the mics turn off, I don't even remember what I said.
Like, I genuinely, we're talking for an hour, an hour and a half.
I don't know what the fuck I said.
I'm just in the moment having fun.
That's what I see.
I used to tell people, I'm just trying to be alive.
Like, I'm not trying to, I'm trying to stay alive.
Yeah.
While I'm on a microphone or not.
I'm not trying to hurt anybody.
What do you use, Perplus?
Because it looks like, because you have very, very healthy, healthy, healthy hair.
Yeah, really?
Absolutely, man.
Wow, thanks.
Not a lot of people could pull off a Mullet and Bang, so this podcast crew.
Mullet and Bangs, that's our new nickname, dude.
Mullet and Bangs.
Whatever cops.
Speaking of people, I'm not sure what you just said a second ago, but I do want to say we got, I want to call Brad Williams because you know this Quaden Bales thing that happened?
Yeah, I do, yeah.
The young gunner, this Australian young buck.
Right.
And people were really lightened into him.
Yeah, but right.
And Brad did a fundraiser for him, and it was supposed to be to raise $10,000, and I think they raised about a lot more.
I'm going to say a couple hundred thousand.
But then, unfortunately, hold on.
Okay.
Sorry, don't hold on.
You say whatever you want.
Yeah, say what you're saying.
I was going to say, I'm sorry, pictures of that kid came out with him with strippers and stuff like that.
Did they really?
So I don't think he's eight years.
They say he's not eight or nine years old, but I don't care.
He's still small enough.
He still can't get on all the rides, so we should still just send him out there.
Well, I mean, if you want, I don't know what happened.
So what I'm wondering is, do we know what happened?
And you guys are going to have to put on the headphones to hear Brad when we call him?
I mean, $300,000 is a lot of fucking money.
I don't know Brad's number.
All right.
Because this thing really captivated the nation last week.
And put the phone in the middle of the table.
Hey, brother, what's up, man?
It's Theo.
Hey, buddy.
How are you?
Doing fantastic.
Hey, man.
Thanks for answering the call.
We got Chris DeStefano here in the podcast right now.
What's up, Brad?
Hey, buddy.
Hey, Chris, I'm seeing you on Thursday.
Yes, on Thursday, man, we're going to do Kimmel together.
Oh, y'all are?
Little stand-up, yeah.
We should.
We could do that.
I'm down to do that.
Yeah, we're going to do a Jeff Dunham act.
Yeah.
Hold on.
But, Brad, only if Chris sits on your lap.
That's the only way.
Yeah, we're doing a reverse Jeff Dunham.
Yeah, it's going to be great.
Bro, there's your hand up my ass.
It's one of my favorite sex news.
Reverse Jeff Dunham.
Yeah, you can get a reverse Jeff Dunham at the Cat House in Vegas.
Let's do it, dude.
That's why I'll stay an extra night then.
You don't need an extra night, bro.
You just stop by during the day.
All right, I'll do that.
Don't be that creeper that hangs out.
Me and Brad Daylight Cat House.
You're going to be living in the apartments?
Oh, God.
Brad, we talked about the Quaiden Bales thing on the podcast last week, and everybody's been talking about it.
I know that you did a fundraiser for him.
Can you kind of take us through a little bit of that and where you're at now with it?
Yeah, no problem.
First of all, he's nine years old, everybody.
Okay?
So stop with your damn conspiracy theories.
He's nine years old.
Anyway, I got wind of the video because I've got some Australian fans that kept sending me the video.
And I don't know why they kept sending it to me.
Just like, hey, you're a dwarf.
He's a dwarf.
You can help him.
I don't know what they were thinking.
Yeah, I've got some hotline or something.
But I saw the video.
And like anyone who saw the video who's got a pulse, I was really moved by it.
Of course, I'm a fellow little person.
He's got the same kind of dwarfism that I do.
And I was bullied growing up.
So it really spoke to me.
So I thought, I got to do something, but I can't, you know, I'm out in Los Angeles.
What can I do?
He's in Australia.
So I thought, well, I'll throw together a GoFundMe page and send the kid to Disneyland.
I grew up going to Disneyland.
Kids love Disneyland.
So I did that, set the goal at $10,000, because with $10,000, you can buy them flights, tickets, And maybe two churros.
Those things are expensive.
And I figured, you know, that'd be a good time.
So I set it at $10,000, tweeted it out, and then I went to bed.
And the next day, it was at $18,000.
Damn.
And then Hugh Jackman talked about it.
William Shatner talked about it.
It started getting passed around to all these celebrities.
And then currently we're at $460,000.
Damn.
That's what Theo gets for a weekend.
Oh, boy is going to buy Disneyland.
And I'm thrilled about that.
I hope a dwarf owns Disneyland because then probably no more height requirements.
I'll be happy.
That'd be great.
Yeah, Space Mountain all day.
And so whenever the conspiracy theories came out, I mean, just because people are skeptical of everything, what did you do then?
Oh, man.
I just kind of let it go.
If I chase down every person that was talking about it or saying that he's 18 years old or that he's not really 18. He's a 45-year-old actor.
Just weird stuff.
Yeah, people saying he's in Dunkirk.
He was in Dunkirk?
That's what people were saying.
What were they dropping him out of the plane?
All kinds of stuff.
I have no idea.
He played one of the bombs.
Dropping him onto the Germans?
Yeah, there were all kinds of conspiracy theories.
People were saying that he worked for the city.
I remember somewhere outside of Akron.
There was all kind of wild stuff.
But did you check with him?
Did you do any other recon to make sure that you were – Yeah, I mean, I just wanted to make sure that he's a good kid and that, you know, he's a kid.
But I got to FaceTime with him and FaceTime with both him and his mom.
And that's back when the fundraiser was at $20,000 and it really hadn't picked up yet.
News organizations weren't really talking about it.
So I was FaceTiming with him.
He seems like a fun, normal kid.
And then once it started going above like $50,000, $75,000, I started reaching out to a bunch of different people that run charities and do these kind of things all the time.
GoFundMe is an incredible website because once a fundraiser hits a certain point, they assign a team to that fundraiser.
So I had a team from GoFundMe and Constant Communication, and they vetted everything.
They looked into everything.
They did amazing work.
And where does the money go?
Well, we posted an update on the page.
So Caden and his family actually released a statement that said that they are turning down the trip to Disneyland and they want all the money to just go to charity.
Wow.
So he's ridiculous.
Are you going to pick the charity?
Does he pick the charity?
How does it work?
I did another FaceTime call with him and his mom, and we kind of went through all the charities that we wanted to go through.
Because if you look at the original wording on my GoFundMe, I said any excess money would be donated to charity.
So we picked some great charities, and they're actually posted right now on the GoFundMe page.
We picked six different charities.
Some charities.
Yeah.
Stompout bullying, Born This Way.
Those are two charities in the United States.
There's four charities in Australia.
We're giving about $66,000 to each of those charities, and then whatever money is left over, I decided to give it to Caden and his family and said, you guys can spend that money however you want.
I know you're turning down money, but many people donated to this fund with the thought of their money going directly to the family.
So I thought it's honest.
And is it 400,000 U.S. or Australian?
What's the funding?
Yeah, it's $460,000 U.S., which is over $700,000 Australian.
Yo, they could buy one of those fucking, they could buy the Aborigine people with that.
Right?
Not all of them.
You could buy probably a couple.
Couple of them.
Yeah.
Oh, thank you.
And this is a good time to add that some of the charities are anti-racism charities that stand up for the rights of the Aboriginal people.
Absolutely.
As do I. I've never met an Aborigine person.
Have you?
Have you?
I would love to meet one.
I know, because I don't think I have any Aborigine fans, but I'm looking for that.
That's one of the things I'm trying to get from my podcast.
There you go.
You got to get fantastic.
And I, Brad, too, because, you know, because I'm just a victim of the internet as well, it's like all these pictures are like, oh, he's 19 years old.
He's with strippers.
He's got guns.
I mean, how do they do all that?
Like, what is it?
Photoshop?
The internet is an amazing place, both good and bad.
I mean, there were people that were spreading rumors that, like, oh, like, there was some, like, I looked at a lot of this stuff because I wanted to make sure that the money was going to a good spot.
There was one person who had a Facebook talk show that said, like, that Caden was like this nine-year-old running around the school, like, sexually assaulting girls.
And they said that their proof was that they read one Facebook comment and they posted the Facebook comment and it said, oh, a friend of mine, his kid goes to the same school and knows some girls.
This happened.
I'm like, really?
You're going through all this off a Facebook comment.
Yeah, that's ridiculous, man.
Do you?
People are going nuts.
Is there, I mean, yeah, there's all kind of stuff.
So many people said he opened up for Gucci Mane.
There was all kind of stuff.
Well, that is the problem is when UTA signs him and he starts taking dates away from everybody.
We're going to be like, fuck you, Brad.
That's a great point, man.
You know, they signed Bagel Boy.
Bagel Boss.
Yeah, they had this kid named Lightning Rod Lightning Rod.
I don't want to say Lightning Rod.
Lightning Rodney, maybe, when I was growing up.
Some guy that got hit by Lightning and they tried to tour him around locally.
Really?
He was probably moving major tickets.
He wasn't doing anything, maybe 40 tickets.
Kay didn't sell out.
Now, what about this, Brad?
Are there higher costs associated with being like a little person growing up?
Like, are there costs that are there extra costs?
Yeah, well, like, just in terms of, I mean, at your most basic cost, most clothes that I would like to buy don't fit me.
So you got to get stuff that's tailored unless you just want to be walking around with like a shirt that has Bob the Builder on it.
But I doubt you want that.
So yeah, you have extra tailoring.
And then plus, a lot of little people have medical problems, whether it be neck or leg surgeries.
I've had one dwarf-related surgery on my legs.
So yeah, they can get problems that way as well.
So that's why I wanted to give the family a little bit of money just because if those kind of things are coming up with Caden, I want to make sure that they're taken care of.
And that's what the people who gave money to the campaign wanted as well.
Yeah, that's dope.
Yeah.
That's dope.
And it's really great.
And people stepped up and we ended up donating a ton of money to charity that's going to anti-bullying, anti-abuse, anti-racism charities.
So a lot of people are going to be helped in a very positive way because of this.
And I cannot be more thankful.
Yeah, man.
And I know, you know, because I'm a dad.
I know you're a new dad.
Congrats.
It's like when I see stuff like that, and I'm sure it's the same with you, it's like you can't help but think, like, what if that was my child being abused that way?
Like, you know, so it's great that you made an effort and did it.
Because there's times when I see videos like that, and I'm like, I can't, what if that was my daughter?
And then I have a chance to donate and I just watch Pornhub or do something different.
But you actually went out there and made a difference, which is why you're happily married and I'm, you know, single living with Don DePetta on his couch.
There's still time.
I still, yeah, that's why I got visitation rights, but you, you know, but you have a full happy family.
There's still time.
Brad, thanks so much, man.
And yeah, at least Chris will be warmed up for your podcast later this week, man.
Hey, sounds great.
Thank you, guys.
Gang, gang, everybody.
Before he hangs up, can you hear me?
Yeah.
What's the quickest way to get to your GoFundMe?
Because when you just search on GoFundMe, we can't find it.
So how can we get to the actual GoFundMe?
Oh, if you guys still want to donate to the GoFundMe, because it is still open, you can.
Probably the quickest way is just to go to my Twitter and then scroll down the tweets and you'll find links.
I'm on Twitter at FunnyBrad.
And if not, I'm sure you can just Google GoFundMe for a bullied Australian boy, and something's going to pop up.
There will be news articles.
There will be links.
You can be $460,000 in there already.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
And I had so many friends that were like, it really makes you realize who your friends are because I had so many friends that were like sending me messages like, dude, embezzle it.
Take it.
Go to Sweden.
Go to Sweden.
Or what if you disguised yourself as Quidden and went to Disneyland?
Oh, shave, shave, get a tan.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
It could happen, man.
Dude.
Dude, thanks so much.
It's such a cool story to hear, man.
And yeah, just thanks for jumping on the line with us and sharing that.
No problem.
Love you guys.
Love the podcast.
See you on Thursday, Chris.
See you Thursday, Brad.
I love you, man.
Peace.
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And now back to Chris.
What a great guy.
Yeah.
He's about last night.
That's their podcast, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, actually, that's just Adam Ray now.
Brad's not on anymore.
Oh, right on.
He's not in the pod.
Yeah.
Yeah, Brad's going to get rewarded in the afterlife for that.
You know, because I don't know, like, there's certain rules and regulations with little people in the afterlife.
They have to do certain tasks.
Absolutely.
They have to do certain tasks to get into.
No, that's that movie you're talking about, I think.
I thought that was reality.
That was pride.
Oh, that's right.
That's right.
Yeah.
Because, yeah, I wasn't sure.
And I wanted to ask Brad, but I kind of chickened out is because the thing is, like, they all kind of look alike to me.
Little people.
So I was kind of wanting to be like Brad.
Like, you know, Brad looks different.
He's, you know, famous and doing well.
But, like, all the other ones, like, all these little pictures, like, I don't know.
It's all the same to me.
Well, dude, that's all.
I respect them all, but I just, you know what I mean?
You don't respect them all.
I do.
I respect them all.
I keep my distance safely, and I respect Them all.
Wow.
I'll tell you this: I saw two cats attack a little person in Hermosa Beach.
And this is about seven years ago, or probably about 11 years ago now.
I saw two cats attack a little person in Hermosa, dude.
And it was insane, bro.
It was like Rome.
It was like watching ancient Rome go.
Really?
Yeah.
I kissed a little woman on the lips a couple of years ago, made out of the show.
Beautiful, beautiful spirit, beautiful soul.
And was that in where Baltimore?
That was not in Baltimore.
That was actually outside Banana's Comedy Club.
Oh, over there in Hasburg Heights?
Yep, I made out with a little girl.
Not a little girl.
What an ironic.
A little woman.
I made out with a little person who was a legally aged woman in her 20s.
Damn.
What an ironic name for the city, Hasburg Heights.
There you go.
Nikki Bangs.
Bang.
Hitting him hard.
Yo, dude, Brad was talking about Disney World, too.
I just came from, or Disneyland, which I think is a great thing that he's doing.
Disney World, I just took my daughter to Disney World in Orlando.
Oh, wow.
Me, my mother, and my daughter.
And now, has this been a lifelong dream or something?
Has this been like one of those things?
Have you taken your kid before?
I wanted to take my daughter for Delilah.
She's on the wall.
I wanted to take my daughter, Delilah, to Germany for Christmas this year.
I wanted to go to the church.
Oh, that's about as Christmas as you can get.
Let's go to Germany.
I wanted to show her where Christmas started and where the white race started.
Oh, yeah.
Where the humble beginnings of the life.
I'm kidding.
I'm just fucking around.
You got to know I'm just fucking around.
Look, I know you're fucking around.
Remember the dwarf jokes?
I'm just kidding around.
I said I want to buy Aborigines people, and it's like they're slaves over there.
I'm being an idiot.
But don't go.
I said you could buy a few.
I know.
I said I could buy the race.
Yeah, that's fucking good.
At a discount, man, on GoFundMe.
And also, it's like, you know, all those surgeries doesn't have universal health care?
Yeah.
What are you going to do?
For where in Australia?
Yeah, for the leg surgeries that he'll need.
Well, they could.
I just don't.
I don't know if they do or not.
They have universal health care.
I'm just kidding around.
They do have.
Yeah, but I'm just kidding.
I just hope people know I'm just joking around.
Because you feel like you have to say that now in these parts.
Am I not helping you with my vibes?
My vibes are not going to be a bit more damage.
Sometimes I'll say something.
You'll just look at me and just start curling the bottom of your mullet with your finger.
I'll just see your fucking hair.
That's a sign for help.
Yeah, you'll just be like, yo, I'm like, you just look at him.
You'll unbutton a button.
Nikki Bangs will fucking...
Don's in a full sex hole.
So, no.
Have you ever been texting somebody about sex?
You're having like a business conversation or something with somebody else at the same time?
Yeah, well, today on the plane, I fell asleep.
I was flying Jeff Laura, and I fell asleep, and my phone was open, and some girls, and my Snapchat was open.
Some girl had sent her titties on Snapchat while the flight attendant, I was just having my eyes closed, and the flight attendant gave me my breakfast.
But yeah, those titties were open on my jury.
Dude, I had a woman on the plane once wake me up from being asleep and tell me my penis was erect, bro.
No.
It was bothering her.
Really?
What'd you do?
Yeah, she said, your body, sir, your body.
Didn't you used to go and manipulate women's vaginas, though, for health reasons?
Wasn't that used to be an old job?
We used to talk about it on OP.
Yep, we used to do orgasmic meditation.
Right.
You still fuck with that or no?
I don't.
There's been people trying to get me back into it, but I think they're just kind of looking for, you know, I don't know.
It's too much time.
It's just, I don't have the time right now.
Right.
Dude, I went to Disney.
I went to Disney World, right?
And they were priding themselves.
Because, like I said, I want to take her to Germany.
I want to take my daughter to Germany.
And I said to my mom.
And she's Latina, isn't she?
She's Latina.
She's Puerto Rican.
Puerto Rican.
She's half Puerto Rican, half, you know, German, Irish, Italian, just white.
Yeah, clockmaker.
She's white.
Yeah, she's just fucking clockmaker, just white, European, and then Puerto Rican.
I've seen the nutcracker, dude.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So that's just me.
Westside story is just me.
So I tell her, I tell my mom, I'm like, hey, do you want to come with us to Germany?
I want to take my daughter to Germany.
And you could come through.
I'll buy you a plane ticket.
You know, you can babysit or whatever when I go out and get these German guys, you know, brothels or whatever at late night.
And my mom goes, no, we're not going to go to Germany.
Let's go to Disney World.
And if you want to go to Germany, we could just go to Epcot and go to the German country and we can have some beers because she's four years old.
Why are you taking her to Germany?
And I'm like, this is my idea.
I just wanted to show her Christmas.
She's like, she's too young.
She's not going to have a good time.
So my mother convinced me to go to Disney.
So we go to Disney.
Here's the thing.
So first of all, the trip starts off.
Disney World starts off poorly because I had, I just come off great run of shows at Gotham Comedy Club, beautiful.
New York City, great, my hometown.
Christmasilly, a legendary.
Christmasilly, legend, great shows.
And every time I pee, it's burning.
It's burning.
I got a little sting.
So I'm like, ah, fuck.
But you've been having sex with random women?
I've been having unprotected sex.
So I'm just like, for months before that, you know, I probably had unprotected sex with about 40 plus women.
Wow.
Yeah, yeah.
So they don't call me Chrissy Drip Drop for nothing.
So I've since improved, but no, I like it.
You're out there and you ain't afraid to get, you know, just to be a human.
Chrissy Dripdrop, baby.
Taking chances, bro.
Yeah.
So anyway, so the trip is going good.
First of all, you know, you're in about $10,000 to have, you know, your mother and your daughter go.
You're in about, it's about 10 Gs.
So first day we get there, we go to the Magic Kingdom, and you get there, and all they do is pride themselves.
All Disney World does is pride themselves on how friendly they are to the nature economy.
How do you say that?
They're eco-friendly.
They're eco-friendly.
So they use paper straws.
All we do is use paper straws.
You love us, paper straws, then I take my daughter to get her hair done at the Bippity Boppity Boutique, which is the boutique in the Magic Kingdom.
$600 fucking dollars to get her hair done.
An extra $50.
What did you get it done into, dude?
A hot air balloon?
I got it done into Nick's banks.
There's about $600.
$600.
$600 to get her done with the prince.
She got a Cinderella dress.
She got her hair done by Cinderella.
So it's a whole experience.
And then an extra $50 for tea.
I saw them making the tea at a fucking Keurig in the back.
So bullshit.
So it's like, okay, paper straws, you're using paper straws, you'll save the turtles, but you'll rape the fucking parents, right?
So, all fucked up.
So, I was pissed off because my mother had my credit card because I was on my phone a lot responding to emails, you know, sexting.
I was in a full sex haul and work haul while my daughter and mother are experiencing these beautiful things at Disneyland.
I'm just fully out of my mind, right?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, so I'm being an idiot.
So, my mother's like, listen, why don't you, we'll meet you back here in two hours.
Give me a credit card.
And then see my Amex just getting fucking hit up.
Bippity-boppity.
What are they doing?
Getting taffy and tax.
Caricature.
Yeah, my mom got shirts.
That wild Western drawing where they get your fake gun.
Yo, I was gone for two hours.
She hit my car for $2,300.
Kiz Ash.
Yeah.
And I just was like, fuck.
So then I'm like, because then I got stressed out.
And when you get stressed out and you have chlamydia on deck, when you have STD brewing, when you get stressed out, it really starts to flow.
So I was like, shit, I know I have it.
So I called my boy, who's an ER doctor, and I explained to him the signs, incentives.
He was like, fuck.
Hey, drop off a bag of salt over here.
Yo, yo, yo.
He was like, that's.
He was like, that's an STD, man.
How quick can you get back to New York?
I said, this is day one of my Disney trip.
We're at the Magic Kingdom.
He goes, all right, send me your location.
So I sent him the location.
He gets a pharmacy, like whatever, 10 miles away, but in Orlando still, still kind of like on the outskirts of Disney.
Like a, oh, not in Disney.
No, no, but like on the not on the Disney property, but like where Disney people who work for Disney, like their local CVS.
Okay.
So he goes out there, calls in the STD fucking medication for me.
So I go there, swearing in this, everyone's got little kids, you know, sore throat medicine, people buying binkies.
Everyone's got little Kims, too, over there.
Little Kims.
And I'm over there, and I go.
I'm urban.
I go over there and I pick up STD medication.
I had a goofy shirt on.
I had a goofy shirt on and an I Love Disney hat on.
And I forgot that I even, because I was dressed, you know, my daughter was like, you got to dress, wear your Disney shit.
So I picked up STD medication.
I took them, my daughter and mother back to the hotel.
I said, hey, listen, I'm just going to go for a jog.
And I got in an Uber and I went and picked up those STD meds with my goofy shirt on.
And I popped those.
And then I started to feel better.
Started to feel a little bit better.
And now I'm proud to say that I've been Chrissy Condoms.
I was Chrissy Celibacy for a month after that.
And now I've been exclusively Chrissy condoms.
But even now that I've been wearing condoms exclusively, still sometimes when I pee, it burns a little.
I'm like, did I get one bat?
Did one sneak through the condom?
Or do you think that that's just me being hyperactive and anxious?
If I'm using the condoms, you wouldn't worry about the STD.
What do you say?
I think you could have muscle memory probably in your penis or something that, and it has that recall a little bit of having the symptom.
Have you ever got sniped?
You ever got burnt with an STD?
Yep, I got something one time.
I was living with a guy.
This guy named Ken, actually, who had a couple cats, dude, and he used to get stoned and make them do tricks in the living room and stuff like that.
Jump in these boxes.
And when I was leaving, when I was moving out, he said, hey, people are going to come look at the place, you know?
And so some lady came by and checked it out, and she was attractive.
And so I started hitting on her.
And then that night, she and I went out.
And he just said to me, he's like, dude, do not hook up with this young lady who is potentially going to live here.
Like, I need somebody to live here.
Like, I will not do that.
And then I hooked up with her that night in the room right next to his room.
And you went raw daddy.
I don't believe I had any condoms at the time.
And you catch the clap, gonorrhea?
No, she caught something from me.
But she told me, she said, hey, you have something.
And I don't know if I did have something because I didn't have something before.
I think she was lying.
But then one of us had something and you had to go get rid of it.
Yeah, I got chlamydia.
But it was good, though.
But you never had any symptoms of the chlamydia.
It wasn't bad, nuh-huh.
But you just go get something and you get rid of it.
And that's the only scare that I have.
It's kind of like a sore throat, but for your dick.
In a way.
It's like your dick is almost going through a tough time after a war or something, it feels like.
Yeah, it's a little beat up.
It's like your dick, yes, just on the injured reserve list, but it's going to make a full comeback.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's almost exciting a little.
It's like a little bit of a badge of...
But how do you combat?
How do you combat being single?
Do you have a champagne?
You know, let's do a champagne.
And getting all the attention that you do from females, how do you not fall into a sex addict hole?
Do you just not respond to people?
Because sometimes I text you and you don't text back.
And I want to know if there's ladies out there that feel that way as well.
Oh, I don't know, man.
I mean, I think, how do I not?
I mean, I'll do some flirting here and there, you know.
But you don't respond to all these ladies on the DM.
No.
Because I'm constantly responding, and I have to, I've made a very recent effort, like the last 72 hours.
I actually posted a video on my stories, and I said, hey, I know I give you guys a lot of energy.
I love you.
Thank you so much for your support.
But if I leave you on scene or if I just double tap your message, don't take it disrespectfully.
I got to take care of me first.
I got to live a life.
I was fully too much invested in that phone and in those DMs.
And there was a point where I was having sex, no condoms, and then even having sex with the condoms.
I'm like, even though you're protecting yourself, which is good, you're still, the act is still, you're still delving into all this energy and all this stuff.
Oh, yeah.
It's a ton of extra energy.
I haven't recently haven't really had as much energy to really just be out milling around.
You're jerking off a lot?
Trying not to jerk off that much.
I did masturbate yesterday.
I didn't want to.
So that was really kind of a wild event.
Do you watch porn?
No, try not to watch porn.
I don't jerk it like this either.
I don't know.
I lay my penis on my stomach and I put my hands like this and I rub the base of my penis and I come into my belly button.
Oh, wow.
That's always the way I've mastered it.
That sounds so French, I feel like.
It's always the way I've mastered it, man.
I make like a little pussy a pusse with my thumbs and I rub the base.
Hit it, Nick.
Nick, that's the biggie zero rapping, but yeah, and I blow it a load into my belly button.
Really?
Yeah, and I used to let it glaze over, too, and just my shirts or shorts were always stuck to my belly button.
I used to rip it off when I was a kid, and I would always have a cut in my belly button.
People thought I used to have my belly button pierced, but it wasn't.
It was from the cum dried up on my stomach that would rip off the sky.
That's it, brother.
Yeah.
Dude, if you're doing it.
Are we doing all right on this podcast?
Is this all right?
I think we're good.
All right.
This is fantastic.
I know that if I ejaculate, I will use it now.
When I was young, I wouldn't do anything with it.
I would deposit it or ejaculate into like a bowl or into a, you know, into a toilet or something.
Now I will actually use some of it on my body as like a, you know, legitimately as an ointment or a salve.
I've never been in a voluntary gay sex act, But when I was a kid, I was like the runt of my friend group.
I was like 10, and my friends were 13, 14. I could see that.
And the McKenzie brothers, one time I was taking a shit.
Were they red-headed?
No, but they were twins and they had shaved heads.
They were crazy Irish kids from Queens.
One of them sat on my legs when I was taking a shit, and the other one jumped on my mom's sink and skull fucked me.
Two pumps, and my head hit off the back of the back ceramic tile and knocked down one of my mom's ceramic tiles.
And I told her that I was horsing around playing ball, but they got skull fucked by one of these dudes.
And I remember tasting a little bit of his pre-com.
And yeah, it was weird, man.
I took one right off the uvula, and I didn't.
That's a hot task.
I didn't like it.
No, the problem is I didn't like it.
I did not like it, but I also didn't hate it.
So that's why I'll say I can confidently tell you that I'm 100% sure I am not gay, but I am also 100% sure I'm not straight.
So you tell me what that means.
Well, I think there's a thing called an element of surprise gay, where somebody surprises you with a gay act.
Like a Pearl Harbor gay.
Yeah, like Pearl Harbor, but yeah, suddenly you're just resting and then a bunch of wieners fall on your house.
Sneak attack gay.
Yeah, like that kind of thing is like.
Because there's been times where you knew and I've been walking, you know, when we've been in New York when we were very close.
So I was definitely falling in love with the conversations we were having.
I was about to hold your hand or something like that.
Really?
Yes.
I remember there was one time you were wearing pinstriped pants like locomotive pants.
Yeah, I used to love those pants, and I bought them very cheap.
Yeah, man, those locomotive pants.
I remember, yeah, you know, all aboard.
Yeah, all aboard.
You know, because you kind of have a little bit of a fucking cake-ass.
I got that keyter, bro.
You do got a keystair.
I got that German keyter.
Here's a white guy right here from Lord of the Rings.
Let's see what he has.
Literally.
Does Chris know there's literally a 2% chance that you'll die if you get the coronavirus?
Two.
It's just the flu.
Gang, gang.
Gang, bro.
I didn't say anything about the coronavirus, though.
We use, to solicit questions for you, the video of you having Anxiety Tuesday.
Right.
So I think he thinks you're going a little...
I don't do it every, I do it once every other week, and it's always playing, it's always sarcasm and satire about something.
So that coronavirus video, although I'm appearing to be saying I'm anxious about it, the point of Anxiety Tuesday is to be satire because I agree with him that it's not something to really worry about.
Yeah, I think it's not something to worry about.
But also, and then in two weeks, you and I could be deceased.
It could be.
I wouldn't be shocked if something, a disease gets created that we can't solve.
I think the Chinese created it in the lab.
I don't think, I think people who think I think, exactly.
Happy Black History Month.
thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, yeah, it is Women's Month.
5G.
Now, there's a theory out there that 5G created.
Have you seen this news?
Who's 5G?
Is he a rapper as well?
No, 5G the Wireless.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, 5G Wireless, which was created over there in Wuhan.
Right, in the Wuhan clon.
Yeah, that is where, that that's the thing that's created it.
I don't think for a second that it wasn't created in a lab.
It feels like, it feels like it was created in a lab to cause hysteria as just something else you can blame Donald Trump for.
I wouldn't be surprised if Ocasio-Cortez and the Wuhan lab created a lab.
Straight out of Wuhan?
Yeah, straight out of Wuhan.
And Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden and all those liberals, cucks, created the coronavirus, put that shit, made the masks, the masks are made in China, which everyone wears.
They dip those in coronavirus, sell the masks to us, and we spread it, and it crashes the economy, gets Trump out of office.
But here's the truth.
You can't get Trump out of office.
He'll always be here to stay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, he could be here for a long time.
Social media conspiracies blame coronavirus on 5G internet.
This is what I'm talking about right here.
And this is This lady will get cracked open and cleaned out.
I like her lips.
Yeah, this lady is.
By the way, I just wanted to say, I was joking about the Trump Democrat.
I was just kidding.
I have no political affiliation.
Oh, dude.
Look, I think that...
I don't love him.
Anytime somebody starts winning, they definitely release a lot of information to try and cannibalize him.
Remember, they said a few weeks ago that the Russians were, Russian bots were supporting Bernie.
Remember that?
Like, what?
Like, it's just like, it just never ends.
I don't believe the news anymore.
I'm not a news believer.
But I will say this, though.
Now, that's an interesting theory that 5G wire, that 5G created it.
That that's what's causing it.
Because wouldn't it be interesting if they had a technological advancement that we don't know the side effects of, which is probably most of them.
Right.
That we don't know the side effects.
Like, what if we created like a wireless or some sort of a, you know, a thing that's flowing through our body sometimes through the air and it causes a disease in us?
That could, it sounds like pretty feasible.
Pretty feasible.
But so far, have there been people that have beaten the coronavirus and 100% cleared it already and it's gone?
Most people.
Most people.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's a thing.
It's one of those things.
Yeah, you got to show me a dead, bro.
S-M-A-D, bro.
Show me a dead before I go full.
Well, some people are dying, but it seems like it's more elderly.
Where?
Yeah, but that's just a dead, an old person dies and they should do a snap of them.
Oh, here's Granny left.
You want to see somebody at the top of their fucking game drop dead of the coronavirus?
Yeah, dude.
I want to see Tyson Fury freaking take, you know.
Yeah, take it.
Yeah.
Totally Jesus.
92,000 cases, 48,000 have recovered, 3,000 have died.
That's worldwide.
Yeah.
So the flu.
I bet those 3,000 are babies and old people.
So the seasonal flu kills way more than that.
Okay.
Okay.
I mean, it's listen, you can worry about everything.
Here's a guy right here.
Huh?
This is a guy from obviously from the 1920s.
A good guy, yeah.
He's got a nice mustache.
One of those strong men with the 200-pound dumbbells.
He votes for Trump.
What's going on, y'all?
It's your boy Shane Dogg here.
What's up?
Ellensburg, Washington.
Wanted to let you both know, I love both of you guys.
You guys are both two of my favorite comedians.
You guys give me something to look forward to every week, and you guys make me laugh non-stop.
You guys are killing it, and please keep doing what y'all are doing.
Now, this question here is a little bit more directed towards Crystal Clear Chrissy, a little chlamydia Chrissy over here.
I need to ask him a real serious question.
I'm going to New York for the first time.
I got nominated for an award for my college radio show, and so did my station.
So I'm going out there, and I'm going to be put up in Manhattan, pretty close to Madison Square Garden.
And there's a lot of things you can do in New York, but I want to know what your authentic New York experience is for some West Coast kid trying to go out and be an East Coast cutie with a smoothie out here in these streets.
And Theo, I'd like to know what's your favorite spot in New York?
What do you like about New York?
I want your opinion on New York.
Okay.
Gang, Gang, and Ladder 14. Yeah, that's nice.
That's nice.
I like, yeah, I like two out of the three of your fans so far to have Lisps.
You got a heavy Lisp fan.
Yeah.
We got a lot of damaged dudes.
Yeah.
So I like that kid a lot.
He's got an endearing voice.
I think anyone with a little bit of a Lisp like that, it's endearing to me.
I would like to list that on the radio.
Do you think he has a Lisp, though?
I think he has a Lisp.
I kept wiping my cheeks.
I thought he was spitting on me.
Through the camera.
You could have unique shape.
You have a very unique shape.
Head.
What if the sound's not coming in right?
That's true.
My head is fucked up.
No.
But I like that kid.
I liked his mustache.
He seemed like a real nice kid.
So what I'm going to tell him to do is when he's come to.
He needs that experience.
I'm going to say he could come through to my crib.
Yep.
That's what I'm going to say is that unique experience.
Just for him.
He could come through and he could come tickle me with that mustache.
Just like the McKenzie brothers.
Yeah.
No.
I think what he should do is go get a slice of pizza from Joe's in the West Village by the comedy cellar.
I think he should go see a stand-up show at the comedy cellar or one of his comedians that he knows he's a fan of is performing in New York City, go see him or her headline at Gotham or Caroline's Comedy Club.
If not, go down to the comedy cellar or the Stan Comedy Club or New York Comedy Club.
These are great venues to see your show.
Go get a slice of pizza from Joe's.
I would say if he's never been there, it's just an experience to walk over the Brooklyn Bridge because it's scary as fuck when you get into the middle because it's only wooden planks.
You can see down hundreds of feet below you and you'll fall to your death.
Definitely see Brooklyn.
I would go to Bay Ridge, Brooklyn, along with Williamsburg and some of the trendy, you know, quinoa, flea market places.
Also go to Deep Brooklyn, like go to Bay Ridge because it's like a different experience because in Williamsburg, you know, it'll be, like I said, quinoa and flea markets and scooters.
But then in Bay Ridge, like the day after Trump won the election in 2016, there was a cafe out there giving out free black and white cookies.
So you want to see both extremes of, you know, they gave, they were giving cups of marinara sauce into my daughter's Halloween trick-or-treat bag at Nino's Pizza on 3rd Avenue.
Oh, that's beautiful.
And they're calling it Bat's Blood.
So it's different types of experiences in Brooklyn.
So I would go see that.
And then you could come with me if you're there on a Tuesday afternoon.
We go take my father to dialysis at College of Staten Island Hospital.
If you'd like to come there, you can come see him get his blood filtered.
How many bags is he doing?
I want to say two bags, two, three bags.
Easy work.
Yeah.
You want to talk about farts?
This guy, my father doesn't wear underwear anymore because he constantly shits his pants.
Well, dude, if you're running on somebody else's blood, who knows what kind of gas is in it?
That's true.
That's true.
You got to think about that.
I really like your fans.
I like this part of the podcast where fans come in.
Dude, the best fans, man.
The best listeners, the best group.
We got such a, yeah, the whole, it just constantly amazes me, man.
And that young fellow said he's going to New York for the first time.
And what did he ask me?
What do you like about New York?
What's your New York experience?
You got to go down to Alphabet City, man.
That's what you got to say.
It's your last place to still get mugged anywhere in Manhattan, I feel like, kind of in that area.
You got to go down there, down maybe second and B or something.
Or go even further, go to C or D. Yeah.
A and B is a little hipster, honkadonk now, but once you get to C, it starts to fade, and then D, you're in the full hood.
Yes.
Avenue D, you will get stabbed right now.
There you go.
It's the last place you can still do it.
Anywhere else, it's just more, it's just changed a lot.
The Bronx, you could still get stabbed a little bit, but the Bronx is going too far out of the way.
But if you want to be on the island of Manhattan, I agree with Theo.
Go to Avenue D to get yourself shanked.
Yeah, get shanked, see somebody sell a gram, learn a little bit of Spanish or something, do it all.
You know, they just have a different vibe down there.
It's still a little risque.
And that's what I like.
You could do, you know, there's a lot of the dark arts, basically, brother.
I just also want to send a quick shout out, R.I.P.
to the neighborhood crackhead that I grew up with, which is also, see, where I grew up in Ridgewood Bushwick, it used to be a place where you could get stabbed, but unfortunately now it's all like vegan cupcake stuff.
But there still was the neighborhood crackhead, homeless guy, who was, I mean, we thought he was going to die in 1997.
He just died recently.
Scotty Karate just passed away.
And he was the neighborhood guy.
He would sing a Billy Joel song, and then he would do whatever thing, anything you wanted him to do, he would do for a dollar.
So I remember one time he backflipped into this shards of glass, knocked himself unconscious, and then we just put a dollar on his chest.
Or he would do, you know, roofing work.
He would fix anything.
You'd give him a dollar and call him Scotty Karate.
And he would have no shirt on and sweatpants almost 12 months a year.
Damn.
So, and he survived for a long time.
So just want to say shout out Scotty Karate.
Yeah, R.I.P.
Scotty.
And also, yeah, they had a guy bus, and he was mentally challenged or something happened to him.
And he used to ride a bike, a woman's bike that had like a little baby seat in the back.
And the baby seat was always empty.
And he said he had a little husband that used to, and people were always like, damn, where's your little husband at?
And so he would always just tell us he had a little bit of a, he had like a little husband that used to, he was looking for him or something.
And I don't know what happened to that guy.
It's funny to grow up the way we grew up, like how you grew up in the, like it's very relatable.
Like you grew up in the deep south and I grew up in kind of the deep Brooklyn, deep Brooklyn where it's like you had your, there were just different names, but like for example, like we both have neighborhood crackheads or we both have like crazy uncles.
Like I have an uncle who somebody robbed my mother and and then at the local bodega, he used to hang out at the local bodega and I guess they had this robbery ring going out of this bodega where they would steal women's purses and steal their credit cards and their money or whatever, whatever.
And they stole my mom's purse one day on the corner.
And then a couple of days later, my uncle was in the bodega because he was just chilling, drink Beers there, and they were talking about how they just ripped off this lady.
And he was like, What does she look like?
And my uncle's like, Oh, that's my sister-in-law.
You know, he didn't know.
Oh, he said it in his head, that's my sister-in-law.
And so, whatever, they kept drinking, continuing, drinking, drinking.
And then, later on that night, my uncle, I didn't know this, I was a little kid, I only found this out a couple of years ago.
No, what he did was he took, they got drunk, they went back into my uncle's garage, which is in the backyard of my house, and my uncle beat him up and then tied him up and melted the skin off his knees with a blowtorch for stealing my mom's bag.
And then he got my mom's, couldn't get the credit cards back, but he got cash, the amount of cash that he thought she would have.
He got it back.
So it's like that's a crazy uncle.
I'm sure you have, maybe not that exact story, but a crazy uncle.
Yeah.
No, we don't, I mean, it's it's a I think it was just growing up in a different time, too, and people could do more stuff without everybody constantly ratting everybody out.
And Twitter's just a big snitch fest on there, man.
It's just so many snitches.
We got a question that came in from a guy right here.
Oh, yeah?
Yep.
We good on time?
Theo's got about five.
Yeah, we're good.
Yeah.
And this guy's in a free conch.
This is Crystalia supporter right here.
This guy looks a little dirty, but like a nice guy.
Yeah, he looks like he's done chef work or does some UFC.
But I like that.
Hey, what's up, Theo?
What's up, Chris E.D., baby gorgeous?
Hope you guys are doing great.
My name's Nick.
I am from Aurora, Illinois.
And my question for Chris, actually for both of you, if you both could answer this, it'd be great.
But for Chris, I know that you had started a career in physical therapy.
And I was wondering what was the moment and what made you decide to pursue stand-up full-time?
And what was going on?
I'm always curious to know what it was that made you transition into different career paths.
Was stand-up maybe just a hobby?
Was it always a passion?
And how was that for you?
How did that go?
And for you as well, Theo.
What were you doing when you decided that you were going to do stand-up and become a comedian full-time?
And how was that for you as well?
It's something I'm always interested in to know with anyone that pursues something as crazy as stand-up.
So thanks, guys.
Thank you so much.
I appreciate it.
Have a great rest of the day.
Gang, gang.
Gang, bro.
Gang.
Thank you for being here.
Very articulate.
I did not expect him to be as articulate and well-spoken and well-mannered and soft, like in a positive way as he was.
I thought it was going to come out.
Because last time I did your podcast, your fans were just coming out swinging, saying, I want to fight you, fuck you.
But now it's seen.
Yeah, because they were only going off what they had seen of me.
And what they had seen of me was you and I ripping each other.
Ripping.
But now, again, positive, because I came on your show and some of your fans start listening to my stuff, I could see they're using, calling me baby gorgeous and Chrissy Chlamydia.
They listen, so it's a different thing.
So I appreciate all this.
Yeah, look, man, I appreciate you.
I'm glad that you're here, dude.
The good thing about this.
Hold on, I haven't held a guy's hands like this.
Hold on, bro.
Don't you want to go?
Don't touch the top of my hand with your ass.
You got those fingers, bro.
Huh?
You got those fucking perfect ass fingers.
They're not perfect either.
I'm very, very...
Nah, dude.
They're fucking good in there.
And you don't bite your nails either.
I do.
My thumbs are good.
You got sexy ass cuticles.
Really?
I think so.
Look at this finger kind of gross.
Oh, that finger is disgusting.
That looks like E.T. Yeah.
Yeah, that's gross.
Yeah, actually, your fingers are a little long.
Yeah.
But I like it.
I like your fingers, though.
They shouldn't be real, not long.
You could just rock your toes, man, with no, I'm just, They grow over each other.
I could easily see that.
It's disgusting.
Yeah, you look like somebody who would have webbed feet almost.
I don't have webbed feet, but I believe I was born with broken feet, and they never fixed it.
Yes, I just, my feet are broken.
Take care of yourself, dude, okay?
That's what I'm saying.
You look like a guy that definitely was in the band, in the school band, even though he wasn't really in it.
You look like you were on the marching thing with the flag.
Yeah.
Dude, you look like my third-grade gym teacher, Mrs. Klein.
She was like this lesbian.
We used to call her Lou Kang.
You kind of look like Lou Kang from Street Fighter if he was a white dude and had money.
Thanks, man.
That's awesome, man.
But now let's answer his question.
Go ahead.
You want to start?
Yeah, so, yeah, what was I doing?
I mean, I was always doing something else on the side until comedy was just enough of a job.
I think at a certain point, it just kind of chooses you.
I always, I think even until about like 10 years in, I was like, am I going to keep doing this?
Am I going to keep doing this?
At some point, I have to grow up, it feels like.
Comedy for me always felt like a place where I could just be, I never had to grow up.
You got to travel all the time.
You get to escape whatever was going on in your regular life.
You always got to get out of town.
If you were about to be in a relationship, I got to go.
I got to get out of town.
You know, there was always, you're always on the go.
You never had to be in one space.
You never had to really kind of deal with yourself, I guess, in a little bit.
So comedy always gave me that, the ability to escape, I felt like.
And then at a certain point, I was like, oh, I'm getting older.
I need to figure out, am I going to have, you know, what am I going to do here?
How am I going to have a real future?
And then, yeah, I think at some point it just kind of chose me.
It was like, okay, there's enough here where I can survive, you know, so I'm going to stay.
What I always liked about you is you were a guy that you had to really, not that it mattered, but there was a lot of proving that you had to do to your peers because when you started out, it was real world.
And then you start doing stand-up.
And already people are like, nah, he's a real world guy.
He's not a real stand-up.
And then your career, like you said, was like just maintaining, maintaining, maintaining.
Did the Netflix special and it's just maintaining.
And then you start to prove yourself in the podcast game.
And then they say, oh, well, he's just starting a podcast.
You know, he's still the real world guy.
But then you start to explode with the podcast.
And then it got to the point where it's like, now I've shed that real world thing.
I don't think anybody, I know for a fact, no one even thinks about that with you anyway.
Like, that was something he did 15 years ago.
And now it's just like great podcaster, great stand-up.
It's matched.
So I don't, sometimes as a peer of yours in the comedy world, we, I notice, I'm like, that was pretty insane how he was able to do all that.
The random fan may not know that.
They're just like, oh, I've always fucked with Theo.
But it's like, where you had to come from because you could have easily quit is my point.
Because when you say in 10 years, it's like, I'm sure you heard it.
Because if I heard it in New York, then you heard it.
It was like, oh, it's the real world dude.
But we don't want to be known as that.
Like, just now, am I starting to shed?
Oh, you that guy from Guy Code?
Where it's like, that's a part of me.
I'm proud of it, but now it's like they know my name a little bit.
They know my podcast.
They know me for stand-up, not for being a talking head.
And you are not known for being on a reality show.
Yeah.
So it takes a lot of work to do that.
So I'm always noticing about you.
And I think it's dope.
Thanks, man.
But I will say that you're a faggot.
No, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
Dude, if I'm a faggot, bro, A. No offense if anybody is a faggot or, and still refers to themselves as that.
That's what I'm saying.
We're not allowed to say that word.
I apologize.
I didn't say that.
I said it.
So if you want to edit it out.
Yeah, and just put quotes under mine and just refer to his.
Yeah.
Because I was just, I didn't have anything to say.
The problem is because I said that nice thing about you and I was thinking of a joke and it slipped.
So I just went to a very immature thing.
And I just said that.
I have two gay friends and they say, look, I am a faggot.
Right.
And I'll be like, dude, you know what I don't say that.
I'll be like, no, I am.
That's what I am.
So everybody does different, something different.
Some people want, but I'll tell you this, dude.
If I'm gay, bro, I would be shocked.
See, if I'm gay, I'd be, if I'm gay, I'd be relieved.
Yeah.
That's the thing with me is because I can't even really take a good look because my father's still alive.
So I got an old school father, 75-year-old Brooklyn, you know, Tony Balls is his nickname.
So I can't even look inside to see if there's a little gay in there because it feels like there's a little gay in there.
Like I'm plant-based.
I'm on a plant-based diet right now.
And you're building something gay.
You're a strong gay.
You built like a strong gay.
And I'm a strong gay, and people tell me, you know, I'm a power bottom.
I got a big fat ass.
I love Whitney Houston.
My favorite movie is Lil Women or Pretty Woman.
You know, I fucking jerk off to guys.
Like all those things are gay.
So sometimes I feel like I can say that F word, which is derogatory, and I don't mean any harm, but I can say because I know deep down I am one.
I know that there's one just pouncing around in there.
Oh, yeah.
I got to see a little tigger inside of you, man.
Yeah, because the thing is, even though I did get two pumps, I got skull fucked by the McKenzie brothers.
Two pumps, I did give it a lick as it was coming off.
So that changes everything.
Bro, that's an alarm if things get too good.
Really?
And I think we just get that, man.
My fault, guys.
Can I tell you quick how why?
It sounds like the McKenzie brothers' fault.
Yes.
What do you got to say?
Real quick.
Well, no, just Liu Kang.
Real quick.
I started Stint, just to answer the fan question for that question.
I was a pediatric physical therapist.
I have a doctorate degree in physical therapy.
It's crazy, dude.
It really is crazy, man.
When you get skull fucked, your paths change.
So I went and I became a physical therapist.
I was working with children, pediatric, mentally and physically handicapped children.
It was a beautiful job.
But then simultaneously, I got on Guy Code, and Guy Code really started to pop off on MTV2.
And then they created Girl Code, and that really started to pop off.
So what happened was, see, the thing is this, is, you know, a lot of the people who were watching the shows were younger people.
18, 19, 20, 21, 22 is a college younger people show on MTV and MTV2.
And it's very well known that older women sometimes will give birth to a child with a disability.
You know, there's a lot of testing that women, as they get older, have to do.
It's less and less now, but it's still a thing.
That's why people always say on my biological clock.
But what's also not as known, but is very true, is younger women, 17, 16, they don't have the proper prenatal care and they don't know that they're pregnant.
So their children are born with high disability rates as well.
Definitely in high sugar, too.
They're always at Sonic.
Always at Sonic.
Yeah.
Oh, so they, so they, a lot of the moms and dads of the children I was treating were young people that were watching guide code and girl code.
And the principal of the school I was working at was like, look, we found out you're doing comedy.
You're doing these TV shows.
And they're like, it's not, you can't be treating handicapped children and also doing a show about the guy code to hiding your boner.
So you're going to have to choose.
And so it was really this little kid, my little man Aaron, great kid.
He was in a wheelchair.
He had cerebral palsy.
So cognitively, he was fine.
No problems with speech or his mind worked like our minds, but his legs didn't work from cerebral palsy.
So he was sitting in his wheelchair one day.
We were throwing the ball at him.
You know, he would throw it at me.
I would, you know, rifle it off his legs.
He couldn't feel it anyway.
So I would just rifle it off, you know, light him with, you know, burn him with cigarettes, whatever it is.
You know what I mean?
He couldn't feel shit.
I would tell him to close his eyes.
I would just, yeah, whatever.
Light his pants on fire, joke around.
Have a pet bat bite him.
Yeah.
No, I'm kidding.
Obviously, I'm kidding.
What, he's your agent now?
Yeah, he's my agent.
No, so Aaron, so Aaron told me when I was flirting with this idea of leaving physical therapy, he's six years old.
But the thing is, when you're a six-year-old kid that's got a disability, you're so wise beyond your years.
So the reason, because the man asked me what made me change, I was always flirting with the idea of leaving.
For a year, I was like, I should leave.
I need to jump two feet in if I really want to do stand-up.
And then it got to the point where Aaron told me, we were talking, throwing the ball back and forth.
And I was like, I kind of want to leave stand-up.
I kind of want to leave physical therapy to do stand-up, but I'll miss you guys so much.
So I don't know if I could do it.
And he was like, well, isn't stand-up, isn't being a comedian your dream?
And I said, yeah, it is.
And he goes, so why wouldn't you go, why wouldn't you go do it if that's what you always want to do?
And I was like, I don't know.
I'm going to miss you guys.
And he was like, and he said to me, he was like, I'm not going anywhere.
I can't walk.
I'm always going to be sitting in this chair waiting for you.
He's like, but I want to, Aaron said this to me.
He goes, I want to, I think it's pretty cool if I could see one of my therapist, my teachers, he called it, he called his teacher, one of my teachers on TV.
He said, I would think that was pretty cool.
He said, and if I had that opportunity, I would go and I would hope you would want to watch me and be proud of me.
And he said, we're all proud of you.
I think you should go do it and go live your dream.
And I was like, damn.
And then, cause I would say, because he, because he said, because I, and then I said to him, I said to him, I was like, how are you so smart?
How are you so smart like this?
And how are you so brave?
And then he said, like, I'll never forget.
He was like, well, he was like, you see, Mr. Chris, it was like a fucking movie.
He's like, you see, Mr. Chris.
He said, when you can't walk or use your legs and you're in a wheelchair, he said, you have all day to sit and think.
He said, so I'm thinking about you.
And I think you should go do it.
And then I swear to God, I fucking relieved myself, hysterical crying.
Like three hours later, I told the principal, I was like, I'm going to leave.
Is this Patch Adams, I think?
No, dude, it's legit.
It was fucking legit.
Yeah, no.
That's wild.
I mean, it's fuck.
And then I put Chinese finger traps and shit on his toes.
I took those off because he couldn't feel it anyway.
Oh, my God.
Did he really say that, man?
I swear he really did.
It's remarkable, yeah, to think about how much time you have to think.
Just how still probably your world gets when you can't even move.
Because it was that that pushed me out.
And also, this is true, too.
I had sex with four of the teachers at different times, and the heat was starting to get turned up because they all found out about it.
So they were starting to get a little heated in that physical therapy Petri disc with that drip drop.
So between Aaron telling me to go live my dream and these girls about to press charges, it was time to leave.
Damn.
Praise God, man.
You can check him out on History Hyenas, man.
Check me out on HistoryHyenas.com.
And you can see him and Don this weekend.
Where are you guys going to be at?
No, well, Donnie, where are you going to be?
I'm going to be in Jacksonville this weekend.
You can see him at the Jacksonville Comedy Zone.
When does this episode come out, Theo?
Thursday.
Thursday.
This Thursday?
Okay, so go to my website, ChristyComedy.com.
I got a bunch of dates up there.
March 19th, Grammarcy Theater, Live History Hyenas, first show sold out, second show available.
And then April 29th, Wall Street Theater, Norwalk, Connecticut.
Also, in April, I have Vancouver, Boston, Raleigh, North Carolina.
I got Philadelphia.
I just put Seattle and Portland up in October, Aladdin Theater and Neptune Theater.
So come check me out.
I got a bunch of dates.
ChrisDcomedy.com and check out the podcast, History of Hyenas, with Giannis Pappas.
Amen, man.
And thank you so much for coming, dude.
And sorry if I'm a little bit tired.
It's just been hard.
I just feel tired.
I hope it was a good episode, man.
I think it was a lot of fun.
I wish I could be more fun, like just more engaging.
Sometimes I'm just a little bit exhausted.
I like your energy.
I like your energy this way because I like it because it's really you.
It's really just like you.
And then I like in the beginning, like when you get like a little catty bitch energy, I kind of like that about you.
Oh, thanks.
When I was like talking to you, like, hey, save for the podcast.
I kind of like that.
And then I like that you go in waves and zones with this thing.
Yeah.
Well, I have to pee, too.
That's why I've fucking been in that zone for two years.
Dude.
But I love the story about the kid in the wheelchair.
I loved the fact that he inspired you, man.
That shit is pretty powerful.
You got real good fucking positive energy, and I wish that we hung out more.
But I text you and you don't text back anymore.
What's the problem?
Well, I will.
I'm going to start FaceTime.
I've been going through.
I want to start FaceTiming you more, too.
When you pee, is it clear or is it darker?
Okay.
I'll tell you this, bro.
I bet it's a lot clearer than some of the patches you've had, right?
Yeah, dude.
That is for sure.
Yeah, man.
But I've been, but I'm just waiting for these last STD results, and then I'm going to be celibate, man.
I'm going to try to take two months off.
No pussy.
I'm not saying I won't fuck guys, but definitely no girls.
But if you're only banging guys because you're taking a break from women, that's not gay, bro.
You have to actually be a gay man, man.
I know.
I feel like guys can't go back.
You can't be a bisexual guy.
You could be a bisexual girl, but guys, I feel like once you hook up with a guy, you're gay.
Yeah.
Which is fine.
Dunkin' Donitz.
Remember that?
Dunkin' Donitz?
No, what's that?
From Jim Norton over there on the Opie show?
I love Jim Norton.
Dunkin' Donitz.
Dunkin' Donnits.
Dude, it got weird though towards the end because Opie and Jim were always arguing, right?
They were arguing a lot.
There was a lot of tension in there.
And to be honest, man, people would hit me up because at the end, I was on, at the end, literally every time Jim was out, Opie would call me in to be the fill-in because I was hungry.
I live right there, hungry for the opportunity.
And so a lot of fans would ask me questions.
Hey, what's going on with Opie and Jim?
And the truth is I didn't know because they only saw them argue once, and that was live on the air when everybody else saw it.
When it was before, after, I had no idea.
I would see Jim at the comedy cellar, wouldn't talk about it.
When I would speak to Opie privately, he wouldn't talk about it.
So anything that the fans, I don't know.
Yeah, you know.
Same.
Yeah, same.
People would ask me about it.
I just felt like, I think it's hard to work with anybody for a long time to start that early in the morning.
You know, Opie'd been there for a while.
I think it's just tough to make that.
It's tough to make things fit, you know, a lot of things.
But anyway, I shouldn't have brought that up.
I didn't mean to kind of bring it up.
I'm going to have dinner tonight.
Oh, you can't do it.
I probably can, actually.
You want to do it?
Me, you and Donnie?
Yeah.
Scotty Bangs?
I just have to go.
I have to go to yoga right now.
No, but I mean after yoga.
Yeah.
We're going to do it, man.
I want to buy.
What do you want to eat?
I don't know, something Italian.
You want to do something Italian?
Yeah.
Scotty Bangs, you getting a trim?
Oh, yeah.
I actually, I got podcasts tonight.
Oh, sorry.
He has a podcast, too.
I'd be honored to.
Another bachelor podcast.
No, I know his name's Nick, but aren't we calling him Scotty Bangs or do we call him Nicki Bangs?
Nicky Bangs.
Oh, my fault.
Yep.
Scotty Karate, Nicki Bangs.
That's all right, dude.
I don't even know why I am right.
Dude, you want to piss in my hood?
I want to go thinking that.
Yo, dude.
All right, bro.
I'm going to fucking kiss you on the lips right now.
What?
Get it on camera.
What are we doing?
Can I do it?
No.
Come on, man.
Stop being anti-gay.
Just go.
Just go.
Get him.
Dude, if I'm gay, I will tell you, bro.
I'm not just being gay for no reason, man.
Yeah.
Thank God.
These are man-preventive.
Wow.
It's too much.
Wow.
It's too much, guys.
Be good.
No, get that away.
Yes, that's what I'm saying.
Now I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking break and let myself unwind shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you about stories.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song out.
I've been singing just for you.
And now I've been moving way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of my hand.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voicemails today.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Easy deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jermaine.
Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no!
*BEEP*
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
