Theo is back from Oroville to talk about Spring drawing near, kissing, and some of his favorite TV shows right now.
Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New Merch https://theovonstore.com ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blue Chew Visit https://bluechew.com and enter promo code Theo to try for free with just $5 shipping Skillshare Visit https://Skillshare.com/TheoVon to try 2 mnonths free Capterra Visit https://Capterra.com/THEO to try for free today Betterhelp Visit https://betterhlep.com/Theo to get 10% off your first month ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Intro Tiny Sandhu ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 Video Hotline Upload here: http://bit.ly/TPW_VideoHotline ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Patreon Gunt Squad Name Aaron Rasche Action Jackson Adam White Alex Bmayer Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Amy Love Andrew Valish Anthony Holcombe Ashley Konicki Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Herron Benjamin Streit Brandon Woolsey Brian meek Christopher Becking Christopher Burton Cody Anderson Cody Kenyon Crystal David Christopher Dentist the menace Dionne Enoch Dusty Baker Eric Tobey Gillian Neale Ginger Levesque Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter James Schneider Jameson Flood Jayme Sta Jeremy Weiner Joakim Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joey Piemonte Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan Josh Nemeyer Joy Hammonds Julie Ogden Justin Doerr Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Lawrence Abinosa Lea Rashka Leighton Fields LJ Logan Yakemchuk Madeline Matthews Matt Nichols Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mona McCune myinitialsareOKbutimnot Nicholas Leach Nick Roma Noah Bissell NYCWendy1 Passenger Shaming Qie Jenkins Ruben Prado Ryan Hawkins Sagar Jha Scott Turnbull Shane Pacheco Shona MacArthur Stephen Trottier Suzanne O'Reilly Tanner Marvel Taryn Feingold Theo Wren Thomas Adair Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Tito Liebowitz Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tugzy Mills Tyler Harrington (TJ) Vanessa Amaya Vince Gonsalves Vincent Gil William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke Harris
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
You know, spring is, um, if you don't know what spring is, it's when winter kind of gets lazy.
And winter, you know, winter kind of falls asleep at the wheel.
And spring starts to perk up.
You know, spring is that time you can hear, you could hear flowers start to put deodorant on.
You know, they're about to, they're thinking about popping back out into the world.
Showing, just flexing them petals, baby.
You know, if you put your ear up to the snow right now, you can hear little animals start to yawn a little.
You might hear a chipmunk do a...
Maybe looking for a little dip monk.
You know, he's thinking, oh, I'm going to get out maybe and meet me a woman.
It's that time almost.
And that spring, if you think, you know, you can hear, you could hear water start to kind of, you know, you could hear on a mountain, you could hear a mountain.
If you put your ear up to a mountain, you could hear it saying, oh, you know what?
Fuck all these skiers and snowboarders.
I'm about ready to drip out, make a stream and do something different.
That spring, if you look up in the trees, sometimes you'll see a hole in a tree.
Go peek in there and you'll see a couple of birds in there doing it wildly and doing maybe doggy style or something.
I don't know if birds do doggy style.
That seems really, that seems like the dark arts right there.
But it's that time of year.
You'll see a you know, you'll see an otter kind of getting out of a sleeping bag.
That's spring, baby.
It's here.
And I'm here.
And so are you.
Let's go.
And that's a little, that's that beautiful diddy.
That's that beautiful diddy.
And that's by Tiny Sand who.
And Tiny Sand who is a, well, we don't know what he is.
Tiny Sandhu is a man who makes melodies somewhere in the great beyond, and he sent them to me through email.
And in the old days, now we have email.
In the old days, you may see a donkey come up and a letter will fall off of his back.
You may have a black raven or something or a dark bird or something, you know, a flamanco Negro, you know, fly by and just, you know, just spit up a secret.
You know, then you, then, and that evolved eventually.
You had the U.S. postal system and everything, and now we have email.
Which when you think about it, email, it's a lot more direct, you know.
To think that in the old days, if you wanted to send somebody an email, you had to give it to a man who you didn't know, who may have been, who knows, doing what.
You know, he might have been doing dope.
He might have been doing uppers, downers, rounders, whatever.
Side splitters.
He might have been doing anything.
And trust that that bad boy was going to drop off the things you needed to say to somebody else.
Geez, that seems old school.
But now we got email, and it's the direct.
It's basically an electronic system that says, hey, fuck that other guy that used to run it over there.
And that is Tiny Sandhu who sent that in.
Thank you for that.
And that was a Valentine's Day hitter he sent us.
And that's more than words.
That's a cover of the famous song More Than Words.
And Tiny also, we'll put a link at the bottom too.
You can check out some of his other stuff and other things he sent over the time period of this podcast.
And he was a man.
He's a secret man.
We've never met him, never seen him.
And what is he?
When you think of a tiny sandhu, it could be anything.
It could be a man that's four inches tall and wears, you know, Birken stocks and jumps, you know, and he has a guitar on the ground and he just jumps from cord to cord and does it all with his feet.
He could be, you know, he could be something as secret as that.
That's tiny sandwich.
And, man, I'm here, man.
I'm making it through the day.
Thawing out, bro.
Winter.
We trying to get you to give up, Big Daddy.
Because I have more of a body type.
I don't know if I have that winter body type.
You know, I got that thick upper crust.
You know, I have the everybody knows I got the heart of a lesbian.
My father told me that when I was very young and even wrote it one time at a napkin on a bar over there at Tony Padoni's bar and over at the Stinkin' Onion, which were a couple of small outfits over there near us in Covington, Louisiana.
He would write it on the napkin to remind me a couple of things about myself I needed to remember.
And I have also, you know, I got this that thick upper, I got that thick, that uproar, that top, that girdle.
You know, I'm front axis.
I'm two-wheel driving.
I'm front-wheel drive.
You know, if you put my body in the shop, the guy would be like, where the hell is the back wheels?
We ain't got them, daddy.
We ain't got them.
My torque is up top.
Because I have that chest.
It looks like if you look like I took a big inhale and never let it out.
Like I was smelling something and just never decided what, never could figure out what I smelled.
And so I've never let it go.
I've always been like that.
I've always had that, just that girthy, that forthright kind of those tit fields, you know, the chest and the torso.
I probably have 60, 70 ribs in me.
You know, I know I've said it before, but if you beat me open, you'll hear, you know, you'll definitely have a you'll have a black family show up at a park with a bag of briquettes, baby, because it's time to grill, you know, when daddy, when they split me open.
Because I'm going to feed the world, baby, with these ribs.
So, but happy springtime.
Thank you, Tiny, for that hit.
Thank you for dropping this that audio right into us.
More than words.
More than words.
I just got back.
I was in Oroville.
And we went down over there, myself and Ari Manus.
And man, we got at it over there.
They're one of the oldest Chinese food restaurants.
Tinwan Fuk over there.
And them people ain't Tinwan Fuking around, dog.
They got that old, bro.
They got fucking raven.
They got, you know, raven ribs up in there.
You go in there.
They got a damn.
You could have half a batwing and some orange marmalade, bro.
$6, dog, right out the gate.
You could have a Chinese lady come up and just spit in your mouth for half a dollar.
What is that, bro?
And you could get that super fortune cookie at the end, dude.
Some guy comes out with a fucking blade, pokes you in the ass, and tells you a secret, bruh.
I never knew my sister.
You're like, damn, okay.
And that's five bucks.
That's that finisher.
It's that kind of place, man.
They got the oldest.
I think they said it's 115 years old, the Chinese food there.
So if you want to fill your mouth with that, you know, with those, the original, you know, something that's just fresh off the boat, man, you could taste the salt water in it.
Then that's the place over there to get into that.
But we had fun over there.
I got some shows coming up.
I'm going to let you know right now.
February 20th, 21st, and 22nd.
This coming weekend, I'll be in Toronto.
February 27th, Red Bank, New Jersey.
February 28th, Oxen Hill, Maryland.
February 29th, Newport News, Virginia.
That's almost sold out.
Everything else is sold out.
And then we got the Castle Theater out there in Kahului, Hawaii.
And that is going to be March 7th.
And that's what it is, baby.
That's what it is.
I've got to let you know, too, man, this episode is brought to you by Blue Chew.
And look, everybody's got that wiener that doesn't want to commit to an erection.
Everybody's got it.
Rarely do you see a man with the full meat that men of yesteryear had.
I mean, your granddaddy, if he heard a woman's name, if he saw a woman's name written on a wall when he was driving by it, he'd spring meat.
He'd pop beef, bro.
But we can't do that now.
We don't have it.
The DNA we have now where, you know, everybody's doing more online gaming, modern warfare than they can.
People see their wife and they say, oh, look, can we just do modern warfare?
Instead of do, you know, do that freaking bot, that low body attack, sex.
Well, do you remember the days when you were always ready to go?
Now you can increase your performance and get that extra confidence in bed and anywhere, really.
You could take your meat everywhere as long as your legs are working.
BlueChew.com, that's blue like the color.
Blue Chew brings you the first chewable with the same FDA approved ingredients as Viagra and Sialis.
You could take them anywhere, daytime, nighttime.
Hell, you could be in a time machine and pop two of them bitches, bruh, and show up in the 1800s with that magic wand.
Blue Chew is prescribed online by licensed physicians, so you don't have to go to the doctor or wait in line at the pharmacy and lie.
Oh, these are for my cousin, man.
These are for my stepdad.
Dude, you ain't buying fucking dick hitters for your stepdaddy, bruh.
Nah.
And it ships right to your drawer in a discrete package.
They're made in the USA, and since Blue Chew prepares and ships direct, they're cheaper than a pharmacy.
Right now, we got a special deal for our listeners, because we want you to have strong meat.
Visit bluechew.com and get your first shipment free when you use our special promo code.
Just pay $5 shipping.
Again, that's B-L-U-E-Chew.com.
Promo code Theo to try it.
It's free.
Blue Chew, the better, cheaper, faster choice.
And we thank them for sponsoring the podcast.
Oh, yeah.
The XFL is going on.
I know Nick went to a game, producer Nick went to a game.
Maybe I'll get him in here in a little bit and we'll talk about it.
What did I do?
Yeah, we went up to Harville and we got into it.
They had a lot of people came out.
Nancy came out, this lady, tall Nancy, and she had a damn, she did a homemade sweater.
I forgot to get a picture of it.
It said gang on the front.
And that was beautiful.
We had two fellows came out.
One of them had a, they were brothers.
And one of them had a nervous condition.
And they had a one of them had an HC on him, bro.
Hermit Crab.
And he showed me that bastard, bro.
And that was beautiful.
So I love that.
If somebody, especially a beautiful thing, is to sneak a pet in.
And after the show, if we're doing, you know, meet and greet or hanging out, show that, yeah, that surprise pet.
But spring is in the air.
It's that time, man.
It thinks, you know, this is when the things that we were thaw out.
You know, this is the time when prosperity, this prosper is in the air, this possibility.
You know, something could happen, man.
You spit a sunflower seed out of a car window and four years later you could have a beautiful damn half a bouquet right there.
Because that's this time of year.
There's fertility is in the soil.
Dude, you could masturbate behind a damn 7-Eleven and who knows, bro, you might show up fucking nine years later and you got a kid that's never been to kindergarten back there.
So there's possibility, man.
There's possibility for some new things right now.
And that's built in.
That's built into the world.
That's crazy, isn't it?
And then wild, bro.
Imagine if you were one of the first people ever.
And I don't know who they were.
Probably Indians or Native Americans.
You know, who knows, man?
Probably could have been anybody, dude.
Probably a white guy wearing like a cheetah.
Or, you know, a couple brothers out there doing something exotic, bro.
Wearing some seashells and stuff over their fronts.
But imagine you were out there early times and winter happened.
You had no idea.
You thought things were going well.
And then bam, dude.
Everything's frozen.
You're white, everybody.
And then, bam, again, springtime.
Ta-da!
It's back.
So that's really something.
Could you even imagine the first time?
At first, everybody's like, oh, man, the world's ending.
It's over.
I'm cold.
You know, Janet's frozen.
And then, bam, boy, they hit you with that surprise.
Springtime.
That opportunity for something new.
We had some calls that came in.
Yeah, what's going on?
I'm trying to think about in my world.
You know, I remember I was thinking this week about kissing, you know, when you kiss somebody.
And kissing is when you put your mouth against somebody else.
And that's, I could only imagine the first time somebody said, hey, let me know if you feel anything about this.
And then they just did it.
You know, somebody said, hey, let me just put my mouth against your face or something or your neck, bruh.
And see if you feel something.
And I wonder if you did it on a, you know, some dude probably started trying it on his buddy who was nervous.
Like, hey, let me try it on you a couple times and then I'll run over there to Dorothy, you know?
So some guy maybe had a real nice friend and he let him try that.
Let him just try that peck, that, just sprinkling that pecaroni all over him, just kind of nibbling on his neck.
Because you had to practice somewhere.
You know, you had to practice kissing.
Nobody goes right out there first time and just drops that face onto somebody else.
What?
Who you, Ted Bundy?
Dude, you can't do, you got to practice.
And dude, I remember when I was young, we would get like a pillow, you know, and my buddy, and I'm just going to say his middle name, Patrick, he would come over and we would get these pillows, dude, and we would lay next to him and just be like erotic, you know.
And our bodies, man, my body would get so hard right in the middle, dude.
God, I just didn't know what was going on.
And I didn't know that the devil and God were just fighting inside of my penis at the time.
And it would just be so.
And the first time we were supposed to just be kissing our pillows, my buddy would lay over on my brother's bed because my brother wasn't living with us and I would lay on my bed.
And we're supposed to just be kissing our pillows and pretending they were these girls that we liked.
But nine seconds into it, dude, you know what I'm saying?
Things have escalated.
You know, we going to second base, third base, fourth base, fifth base, sixth base.
You know, then you got Pedro Martinez beating the shit out of Tommy Lasorda.
You know what I'm talking about, boy.
Young Bucks just, you know, just vibrating against the pillow, man.
Just in your body, man, you had so much, my God, dude.
I could hotwire a damn, dude, I could hot wire one of those, you know, those little carousels outside of a, um, outside of a grocery?
I could hotwire one of them bitches with my, with just the vitrocity that was in my damn pecker at the time.
And my buddy would come over and we would just practice on them.
But then you had to do kissing, you know, and like you practice on the pillow, but some of it wasn't enough.
And in Louisiana, it's an oyster country.
You know, certain areas have a different animal.
You know, certain places you have a different type of animal.
Oregon, you got a little maybe a wood chuck doing something.
He's over there, you know, he have a toothpick in his teeth.
And he's picking wood out of his teeth because he's been chucking it.
Like, dude, this is a real double entange.
And then other places, you know, you go to Spoon River, Illinois, and you got a damn cat fish, that bullhead, baby, just swimming.
And you know how a cat fish happened, man.
cat and a fish, dude.
There we go.
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
Phew.
That's why that kind of, you just got to be careful when you let these animals cross-pollinate.
You know, because it gets too crazy.
Let me tell you this.
If a falcon and a bumblebee do sex, that's going to be lights out for the rest of us, bro.
Imagine a falcon shows up with that powerful ass, baby.
Woohoo!
Woo-hoo-hoo.
That's going to be risky.
But I'm saying every place had a different animal.
You got a different animal here.
You got a bullhead catfish over there in Illinois.
You know, up in Wisconsin, they got that little milk snake.
You know, you go down to Nevada, they got a scorpion.
You know, they got an MS-13 down there.
You know, you go to Philadelphia, they got brotherly love.
They got what else?
They got a couple real pasty white dudes in a Darren Sprolls jersey.
You know, every place has their animal.
And so the animal I'm thinking of, what was I talking about?
Oh, so in Louisiana, we had an oyster.
And we would practice kissing, man.
We would get an oyster.
And you get it open, man, and then you got to get it out of there.
And I always felt bad taking an oyster out of his little house, man.
I felt kind of bad about that shit.
I remember one time we went over to the Presbyterian church and I told that man, I said, man, we've been taking these oysters out and pretending they were tongues and kissing them, you know.
And that dude, honestly, man, I think, no joke, I remember, I think that preacher told me I was a piece of shit.
But he also, I think he kind of winked at me a little bit.
So, you know, 50-50.
But that was what we would do.
We would get that oyster and you'd practice because you could put the oyster in your hand like it was a tongue.
And so you'd throw that oyster in the microwave for about 11 seconds and get it warm enough.
Put it in your hand and you could practice the kissing.
And God, I mean, it wasn't ideal, but it was way better than kissing on your buddy's neck a little.
But that was, you remember kissing, practicing kissing?
How'd you practice?
Hit the hotline.
Let me know how you practiced kissing.
985-664-9503.
Because we practiced a couple ways, man.
My one friend, he would come over, this boy Jeremy, and he was born with some different deficiencies, but he'd pop through and we'd put a bunch of perfume on his neck and then kind of practice kissing a little bit.
But not gay, not like in a gay way.
We'd even put a bag over his head and draw like a woman on the sides of the bag.
You know, and you could still smell the perfume and you could practice, you know, pretend, oh, hey, Katie, or hey, Charlotte, you know, hey, Regina.
You know, hey, Chandrice, what's up?
And then you could practice, you know, kissing.
But the big thing was to get that oyster and heat that thing up in the microwave for 11 seconds.
Get that thing tongue temperature.
And then you would practice just...
But man, I remember that being young, bro.
God.
Man, and you just, God, you just lay.
I remember just laying outdoors sometimes and just thinking about all the women that probably wanted to have sex with me.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Anyway, man, we got a lot of calls that and a lot of those women, most of those women never.
Never really did, bruh.
But hey, look, I thought it, man.
I thought it.
I put the thoughts out there.
I planted the seeds out into the universe, baby.
It's seeding time.
It's spring.
Get out there, put something new in the dirt.
Try something different.
Tell somebody, take a chance, you know.
You know, I'm tired in my own life of just I'm tired of sometimes not taking some chances.
I don't take a lot of chances, really.
Man, I want to take some chances.
I want to put something in the ground.
I want to say, hey, you know, I'm tired of just rambling out here in the wind.
I'm tired of sucking on oysters.
I'm ready for some real tongue, you feel me?
Gang.
Let's take a call that has come in.
I'm going to let you know as well, though, that this past weekend is brought to you by Skillshare.
Skillshare.
And look, we've talked about this.
Skillshare is one of our primary sponsor.
And look, this is the thing.
If you don't have a skill, now's the time.
Get a skill.
You can't show up somewhere without a skill.
What can you do?
And you just don't do anything.
People say, hey, hand me your resume.
And you just hand them just a piece of paper with nothing on it.
you, just put your name a couple times on it in different fonts.
You got your name printed, scripture, and then Helvectica, you wing danging your shit at the bottom?
What do you have?
You don't have a skill, my man.
Skillshare is an online learning community for creators.
Creators.
With more than 25,000 classes in design, business, and more, you'll discover countless ways to fuel your curiosity, creativity, and career.
They have all kind of classes, mobile photography, creative writing, illustration.
You can learn all of that.
You could become somebody who does social media for someone in a heartbeat.
Just spend a little time, plant a little seed.
Whether you're looking to discover a new passion or start a side hustle or gain new professional skills, Skillshare is there to keep you learning, thriving, and reaching those new goals.
Are you a freelancer?
Try bookkeeping for freelancers.
How to handle your finances.
Join the millions of students already learning on Skillshare today with a special offer just for our listeners.
Get two months of Skillshare for free, that's right.
Skillshare is offering this past weekend, listeners, two months of unlimited access to countless classes, over 25,000.
Go to skillshare.com slash Theo Von.
Again, go to skillshare.com slash Theo Von to start your two months now.
That's skillshare.com slash Theo Von.
Want to give an update?
Yeah, we did.
I want to thank everybody that came out in the past to the Lafayette Show, the fundraiser.
We raised $10,000 that night for the Good Fight Foundation and for a couple single moms.
We treated a couple single moms, helping them out.
And just wanted to say thank you to everybody that came out to that.
And also, we're going to get a bench for Billy Conforto.
Y'all remember him and my friend.
And God damn, he was a beautiful guy.
You know, he had arms like damn fucking just like Italian antiques, bro.
He had beautiful.
My God, like his arms came over on a boat from damn Greece or somewhere, somewhere really Italian.
And he, you know, and he was probably this toughest gay male boxer in America and the world even.
I'd put him up against anybody.
Who was the other guy?
Tommy Gunn or whatever?
Not a chance, boy.
Tommy Slingshot.
Billy Conforto would put that boy in the sand, whoever he was.
I mean, he, you know, and we're going to do a bench for him with the funds that we made from the t-shirts that we sold for him.
We're going to do a bench over there in La Place, maybe at a dog park or something, because he loved those animals.
And he's always in our hearts, man.
I love you, brother.
And I miss you, man.
Gang.
And we're going to release some, I'll put a, we got a video made, I'll put up on Patreon from that Lafayette show.
So you guys will be able to check that out.
And thank you to everybody who supports this past weekend.
And that means you, whether you do it with your ears or by supporting our Patreon or just by or anything.
Man, the support that has been a part of this podcast is one of the things I want to try and focus more on in the rest of this coming year.
And sometimes in my own life, you know, I've just gotten, I mean, it's a blessing and a curse.
You know, because of the podcast and stand-up, things getting so busy that it's been hard to focus sometimes on the things that mean the most to me, which is being a part of other people's lives or being a part of a group.
You know, when I was on stage this weekend and I just felt like I just felt like, man, I'm just so lucky to be part of a group of people that are so loving.
You know, the people that come out to the shows, man, especially to our show, to my show, to the show, when they come out, the staff constantly say, man, this is the nicest group of people we've had in a long time.
And that's when I just realized that's the most important.
That's what's just so important to me.
And that's what makes me, that's when I feel my best is, you know, there's a lot of dandruff in the world.
But just focus, you know, when I'm focusing on the style, baby, when I'm focusing on that, when I'm focusing on that sweet head piece, and I'm not worried about that dirty dandruff.
You know, there's a lot of dandruff in the world, but, but I know, but there's a lot of sugar, too.
And I feel better when I've got that sugar on my mind.
And, yeah, and just, you know, I just remember, you know, it just thank you guys.
It's just nice to be reminded of what's important.
And that is each other.
And, and, yeah, I just, I'm just so glad to be here today.
And I'm glad that you are here.
And that we haven't given up on each other, bro.
Gang.
We got some calls that came in, man.
Who knows what's going to be in these dirty boxes?
Let's get to a couple right here.
Here we go.
CEO Vaughn, if this is you, we're going to Toronto to see you for my fiancé's birthday right on the 21st.
Oh, and thank you for that, brother.
Toronto is beautiful.
And Toronto, the kind of plays great posture.
You see somebody, you barely see them because they're such a straight perpendicular, you know, straight vertical.
People constantly there fall directly into potholes because they are so, you know, somebody has a hurt back or one of their arms out in a weird way, they hit a they step in a pothole, they get caught.
But with that Toronto posture, baby, that's disappearing, son.
Disappearing right into the dang bird bath of hell, baby, them potholes, them city holes.
Gang, brother, onward.
And I have a question.
We actually saw you in California in July when I proposed, and she developed a crush on you.
And I'm worried that when we see you again for a real lengthy troop show, the Dark Earths tour, that she's going to fall in love with you for real, for real hard.
And, I mean, it's a privilege and an honor, but I mean, I don't know how I'd handle that.
So if you can let me know.
Anyways, we'll see you in Toronto on the 21st, Diovon.
Take care.
Gang, brother.
And look, I'm not responsible if your lady get, you know, you show up, you know, you show up with a lady and she leaves and look at, you know, and her breasts grow two sizes while she's at the show.
That's a side effect of seeing Papa.
What I'm going to do.
You know, I can't help it if, you know, you bring her to the show, y'all leave the show, and suddenly she knows a couple new sexual tricks.
You know, y'all go back to the room and she got the wig or something.
She got that, you know, she's got on a four-piece outfit with, you know, tassels and stuff over the crotch.
Look, that's a side effect, baby.
The dark arts, you got to be careful.
That's the thing.
If you're going to go near a wishing well at night, don't be shocked if you wake up with a little something itching in your ass in the morning.
You feel me, bro?
Don't be shocked if your lady wakes up knowing how to crochet a pentagram.
Do not be shocked.
It's the dark arts tour, man.
And it's still going.
Dude, I think in September, October, in October, I believe it'll be two, this tour will be almost two years.
We're far from there, though.
And there's only a few shows left.
I keep saying that.
But yeah, bring your lady out.
Come on out.
And I'm excited to see you guys.
And I'll do my best, brother, to not infiltrate.
I'll just infiltrate your heart, brother, and I'll stop right there.
985-664-9503 is the hotline, as always.
Let's get to another caller, too.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, it's Ramsey.
And what's up, Ramsey?
And that's a name out of the Bible.
Ramsey or Egypt.
And basically, Egypt was just the Bible on land, if you want to look at it like that.
You know, the Middle East, they got a lot of Sand Christians over there, too.
People think it's just slims over there in Bruce, bro, but it ain't.
They got a lot of SCs over there, baby, them San Christians.
And that is your boy Ramsey's over there, hot off the Euphrates, dog.
Gang, son, Onward.
I was 16, or when I was 17, my mom passed away.
I never met my dad or anything.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, man.
I'm sorry to hear that that happened to you at such a young age, brother.
Onward?
Just been on my own since then.
And over that period of time, I've been able to like, you know, I've been having some ups and downs, you know, just because of the instability.
But things have been going all right.
You know, I've got a girlfriend that I love, and I've got friends around me, and it's great.
It's great.
But, you know, that always gives me worries because my entire life I've been dealing with, you know, an anxiety of something's about to go wrong.
So yeah, I just wanted to know what your thought is on that.
You know, how to keep your mind from telling you everything's about to blow up.
So it's a fun time, man.
I appreciate you, gang, gang.
Gang, bro.
Man, it's so funny that you called.
And first of all, thank you for calling there, Ramsey's, brother.
And it's so funny you call and ask about this because this has been on my mind recently.
I've been realizing that I have, you know, in, you know, working in, I work in, you know, I'm in, I don't work in, I'm in, you know, 12-step program.
And I always have to call my, you know, sponsor, my friends, and just ask them, is everything okay?
Because I don't know, there's something inside of me that everything's not going to be okay all the time.
And that's why I'm always having to do stuff because everything, nothing feels stable.
And so my mind's always like, oh, you better, you got to do this, you got to do this, you got to do this because something's not, you know.
So I would just, you know, what's helped me recently is for me, I don't know if this could be work for you, but for me, what has helped is just asking somebody on a regular basis, hey, is everything's okay, right?
And they just say, yeah, man, everything's okay.
I say, okay, because I have this feeling like everything's not okay.
And it's just been there my whole life.
And sometimes I don't even realize it.
I didn't even know that this thing was there.
You know, but I'm here to tell you, man, I think a lot of that comes from just the, like you're saying, the instability, just the uncertainty that something's going to go wrong.
For me, it's not that as much as something is going to go wrong, as much as it is that something has to be done.
That something is wrong.
Something isn't done.
Something's not okay.
And it's really an intense anxiety.
It's one that's built down into us.
It's like somebody had a treasure chest, but no treasure in it, just anxiety.
And they put that batch deep in us.
And one thing that has helped me is talking to my sponsor, talking to my friends and saying, hey, just tell me that everything's okay.
is everything okay?
And they'll answer yes.
Sometimes they even get frustrated with it.
But I need to hear it.
I just need to hear it on a regular basis that everything is okay.
Because I think as a child, just no one told me it was.
You know, when everything felt wrong and everything felt messed up and, you know, no one ever said, hey, everything is okay.
No one ever said it.
And if you have children, look, I don't have children.
You know, I don't know what that's like, but I do know what it's like to have been one.
And I think, you know, I think it helps them to hear that sometimes.
Just for no reason at all.
Just, you know, just hug your kid and just say, hey, you know, everything is okay.
You know, you might not think it is, or sometimes you may feel like things aren't, but I'm just here to remind you that everything is, you know, I think if they have that voice bouncing around in them, that's the sugar, baby.
That's not the dandruff.
You feel me?
But thanks for that call, man.
And keep your head up out there.
And gang, brother.
Let's hit another call here.
What we got popping off, bro?
As always, the hotline 985-664-9503.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, and don't forget, hit the calls with when you, how did you practice kissing when you were young?
Did you have, you know, did you, did you bag up your boy with that gender different sandwich sack over his head?
You know, you draw melany on the front of that bag and just go to town on your boy.
What did you do?
Did you practice on a pillow, get your little oyster?
How'd you do it, huh?
985-664-9503.
Here we go.
Hey, Phil, what's up?
It's me, Pat Man from Santa Cruz, California.
What's up, Pat?
From Santa Cruz.
Bro, imagine how cool it must be to grow up in a place like that.
A place that have cruise in the name of it.
Could you imagine that?
A place that have crews.
Dude, I had some friends from a place called Big Branch.
That was the name of the place.
Big Branch.
So you know what was happening around there, boy.
Nothing.
Onward.
I woke up this morning and thought I was having a heart attack and basically went to the emergency room and they told me I had scoliosis, man.
Was I ever relieved to know that I wasn't numb in my chest because my chicken was fast?
It was basically born with scoliosis, man.
It pinched the nerve and made me feel like I was going to have a heart attack.
But I got to tell you what, man, it makes me laugh all the time.
Caught you in cops comedy a few months back, and dude, praise the Lord, Theo.
All right, man.
Gang, bro.
Now, scoliosis, look, I'm glad you're well.
And you sound.
If you're well enough to leave a voicemail, you're doing all right.
Dude, we had a guy when I was growing up, and in college, he would get all high.
I mean, and by he, I mean all of us.
And we would smoke it all, bro.
We'd smoke whatever.
That's back when you, they didn't have as much weed.
Now they got all kinds of different weed.
You know, they got shit.
Euthanasia is a strand.
They got left leg.
They got some shit.
You know, kill your cousin is his new strand.
Like, what is that?
You know, I'm trying to have a family reunion and everybody's got two ounces of kill your cous.
This ain't going to end well.
But this dude would get so high, man, his mom had one of those throat things.
She couldn't talk or something.
Or not talk, but she'd done so many Winstons that she blew her throat out.
So she had to have that little, you know, that thing like the, um, she had to put the thing up to her throat.
And he got so high that he would have to use that bitch.
He couldn't talk.
So he'd get his mom's little case, you know, when she was asleep.
He'd get the case and he'd bring that thing with him, that little safety case when we would smoke out.
So we'd be blazed up, man.
I mean, higher than the damn Chicago fire.
And this dude, he'd be like, let's hit the, let's hit the Wendy's.
That's the only thing he could use was that, let's hit the Wendy's, papa.
So we knew when he opened that case up that he was baked out.
His Oreos was double stuffed, bruh.
Oh, man, I need a ride home.
He would have to use that little electric thing, bruh.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
But, man, if you got scoliosis, how the hell did it take you so long to recognize it, Papa?
That's a children's disease.
And everybody remembers scoliosis, man.
And everybody had a different, you know, remember school when you were young, you had to go to school because nobody trusted you were just maybe going to be smart.
And like every four years at school, they would take everybody into the cafeteria and take their shirts off.
And I remember the first time I went, I was like, damn, this is some real German type of shit.
But, and they would have you bend forward and show that little back beezy, baby.
That backbone, you know, you'd have to freaking hit that dolphin, bruh.
And the lady would stand there.
Miss Wascombe or Miss Coniton or Miss Whoever.
You know, Miss Barbara, she would stand right there.
And she would take a marker, man.
She would take a marker and just draw it straight down your back.
Oh, he's good.
This one checks out.
You know, he's straight.
He could go, you know, back to learning.
And then they had like one group, I guess, if you had scoliosis, which I thought it sounded good.
They're like, oh, we're going to see who has scoliosis.
I'm like, oh, shit.
I hope I got it, dude.
I'm sharing a bedroom with my brother.
You know, I'm ready for a life change.
But it wasn't.
It was like your spine had that little hiccup.
You know, your spine got a little wandery in the middle.
That shit got a little handle-grettel.
You know, your spine kind of went missing on itself a little.
You know, your spine kind of wandered off into the woods over there by one of your, you know, your spine kind of did a little detour around one of your lungs or something down.
And so they do everybody.
And anybody had that little, you know, had that HOV lane on their backbone and couldn't, you know, hit that dolphin, they'd draw the little crook on their back with the marker and put them in that special area.
I don't know what happened to those kids, man.
And Daniel, dude, everybody knows Daniel, bro.
I remember one time he took his shirt off and they had his spine and it had the damn, it went in a damn pentagram.
We're like, well, well, he couldn't be real healthy.
So, but you know Daniel, man.
I'm not shocked.
He probably shifted his spine into that shape by himself.
Because he makes his own choices.
Man, he made his own choices.
But I'm glad that you, I mean, if you had a childhood disease this long, I'm glad you're getting on top of it.
You might want to get also checked for them El Pollo pox, baby them chicken pox, and what else?
Oh, getting a splinter.
That's another thing kids hate.
But I'm glad you're well, brother.
Stay safe, man.
I got to let you know that today's episode, brought to you by Capterra.
What if you could make your work take less work?
Oh, wouldn't that be nice?
Wouldn't that be nice?
That's something you can do.
Look at your job.
See what it is.
Do it in less time.
Well, you can with Capterra.
Capterra helps you find the right software for your needs fast so you can get back to business even faster.
Compare thousands of software options, read reviews, and instantly narrow your favorites.
You'll have more time in no time.
Find the right software right now at capterra.com slash theo.
And guys, we want everybody to support the podcast if you can.
If you find an ad that fits you and it's something you need, we'd love for you to be supportive.
Capterra is the leading free online resource to help you find the best software solution for your business with over 1 million reviews of products from real software users, discovering everything you need to make an informed decision.
Search more than 700 specific categories of software.
Everything from project management to email marketing to yoga studio management software.
And that kind of stuff.
I'm starting, you know, we got a crew that's working over here now with this past weekend in King and the Sting.
And so I need to get some help with the time management and making sure everybody's timing is all clean and clear and what days they've worked.
Captera, C-A-P-T-E-R-R-A dot com slash Theo for free today to find the tools to make an informed software decision for your business.
C-A-P-T-E-R-R-A dot com slash Theo.
That's Capterra.com slash Theo.
Captera, software selection simplified.
Let's get into another call here.
Onward.
It's your boy Anthony from OC.
What's up, Ant?
Down there in the OC, man.
And I bought some cocaine from a guy down there one time.
I don't know what happened to him.
He did a little bit of pornography, and he had, every time I saw him, he had very drastically different haircuts.
Onward.
Waiting for you to hit up Ray Ampro, bro.
Just waiting.
Let us know when you get a stack hitter.
Put questions.
I'll be trying to eat healthy and stuff.
We just talked on cauliflower pizza and that impossible burger.
I just want to know what a guy like you has to say about those items.
Yeah, thank you for this question there.
And down there, Beachside in the OC.
Cauliflower pizza ain't shit, man.
That's pizza.
It could be anything on pizza.
You're only getting four pieces of it, five pieces.
You know, when I was young, they stacked it on there.
What do you want on the pizza?
Black olives?
The pizza was so damn black, man.
You didn't even know.
You might find it, you know, at Essence Fest.
You know, what you want on there?
Sausages?
2,000 little sausages.
Now you get a pizza.
They got nine sausages.
They set just far enough away from each other so that none of them infringing on the other one's territory.
They're all in a safe space.
It's like everybody gets the same little amount.
It's like basically that's that Bernie Sanders style.
So I think if you want to eat healthy, you got to eat healthy.
Get things that are living, man.
Get you a little something.
Get you a little, you know, have a crab.
Look at a crab, bruh.
Look at that crab.
Look at a crab.
The meat in that thing, so fresh, so nasty, bro, so naughty.
Imagine being a crab, dude, and all you want to do is hug somebody, but you got them dangerous ass arms.
Imagine that.
Imagine every night I bet a crab dreams of just having soft arms, where he could touch a, you know, where he could, you know, stroke a woman's hair without giving her a crew cut or where he could, you know, you know, touch a breast without having to, you know, do an FAK, a first aid kit.
You know, imagine that.
Imagine a crab just wishing he had soft arms.
And then he wakes up and every time he got those just cold-hearted snakes, bruh.
Them ice cold freaking clip digits.
He's got just carpal tunnel 7,000 every single time.
What was your question, man?
I can't remember what you were asking about.
Cauliflower pizza?
Yeah, bruh.
Get you something fresh.
Get a greenery.
Get a greenery item.
Get a kale bunch.
Get a broccoli.
Get a little, you know, sweet potato.
Get something for yourself that's good, that's fresh, man.
You out here eating pizza impossible burger?
Burger is a nice thing to have.
Maybe twice a week, have you a burger?
But the rest of the time, take care of yourself.
Get some things in you.
I'm having a dang roar organic infused drink right now.
Low electrolytes.
Keep a lot of water in your body.
It's easy stuff.
Your body's 94% water.
And you out here drinking damn, you know, you out here drinking code reds, Mountain Dew.
What?
Get you some water.
But yeah, you got to stay healthy, man.
Get you some stuff that's good.
What I like to do now, get me a peppers.
Get me a different peppers.
Pepper come in different colors.
If you don't like certain color peppers, they make other ones.
Get a red, get a green, get an orange, get a yellow.
Cat them meaches up.
I'll freaking introduce them bitches to Japan, boy.
I'll take a knife to them meachas.
You know, I'll take that manscape trimmer to them bitches.
And I put me some beef cuts in the skillet.
And heat me up them BCs, baby.
Throw them peppers in.
Let them things meet each other.
You know, get that proverbial, that little skillet bang going.
And then I serve them to myself.
Treat myself right.
Gang, let's take another call here.
The hotline 985-664-9503.
Onward.
Oh, I gotta say, we want to have an illegal alien on the podcast.
So if you have a friend who is an illegal alien in America illegally, we're not trying to out them or get them in any trouble or anything like that.
We just want to just see what their life is like.
You know, so I'm just real curious about what that existence is like here, what it's like to just be that DL human.
You know, not to be confused with DL Hughley.
So if you have somebody like that, let us know.
Now, don't send us some phony, you know, some, you know, some BS, bro.
We want somebody real.
They got to speak good English, have a good personality.
And they came over here illegal.
Illegal.
Into Estados Unidos.
And yeah, I'm just super curious about what that life is like.
You know, just to be on that constant hide and seek.
Or if it's like that at all.
So, gang, brother.
Here we go.
Onward.
What up, Theo?
Long time listener.
First time caller.
I've always wanted to say that.
Big fan of your show, man.
And you seem to revolve around solution.
That's kind of what I'm calling about, man.
I could use a solution.
It's probably a little off-topic and a little random, but I'm a zookeeper, man.
I work with animals.
I've been doing this for about 10 years.
Wow.
Wow.
Man, thank you for calling, man.
That's crazy.
You're like a Jumanji guy.
Wow, boy.
Oh, man.
Thank you for calling, Zookeeper.
Onward.
And I'm having a hard time finding a place I can stay.
To make a long story short, standards.
I think people got low standards, man.
I've worked for roadside zoos.
I've worked for big zoos.
I've kind of done it all in between.
Aquariums, trains for movies.
Oh, yeah.
Aquarium in that wet zoo, bro.
Gang.
Rehab, rescue.
But I have a hard time finding a place with good standards.
Oh, yeah.
Animal rehab.
I can't even imagine that.
You got a couple gophers in there on Delauded or something.
You know, you got maybe you might have a muskrat in there who's been scratching too much musk.
You feel me?
He was on them 80 milligram oxies, bro.
The emojis, gang, onward.
You just think it's a choice to take care of animals, and we got to make a choice to be right by them.
And too often, I think mistakes happen, and I just think some things need a little more structure, a little more rules.
We need a little more.
Everybody just needs to tighten up.
You know, these animals are for mercy.
And I don't know, man.
I'm just, I'm thinking about things that I'm thinking about as long as everything I've ever done is construction.
Thinking about so much construction work.
I just don't know what else to do.
But I love my animals.
I love working with them.
And it's been a long time to get to where I am.
And I hate to give it up, but I feel like I'm losing myself.
I feel like I'm settling with my own morals and my own convictions just to fit in and get along.
And I don't like that.
It doesn't feel good.
So again, I appreciate what you're doing, brother.
Gang Gang.
Gang, man.
Wow.
Wow, man.
Dude, I would love for you to get the proper, you know, me and Brendan Schaub.
you know, he's from King and the Sting.
You know him.
And he's a decent man.
He has very, his hair is very nice.
He has nice hair and he has jewelry and everything.
But he and I almost invested in a zoo down there in Sinaloa or Sinaloa.
But anyway, some shit went wrong.
But I would love to see you have your own zoo and to have you see you be the example.
You be the one that does it.
Because that's really where change kind of comes from is that.
It's like, yeah, nowadays everybody wants, you know, they had a special on television, black sheep, not black sheep, but black dolphin.
And they had a killer whale down there in down near San Diego.
And I guess they had a black dolphin as well.
And I guess it was, I don't know if it was about slavery.
I don't know what it was about, dude.
You got to watch it, but everybody's like, oh, they're treating animals bad, and they're treating animals like this.
Look, it's hard to treat an animal great, I think, especially with all the laws and everything.
You know, everything keeps getting haywire.
Some lady, you know, some lady's little son falls in the damn zoo cage and then they file the lawsuit.
Well, what's your son doing in there?
How about that?
So the lawyering and all the legalities ruin a lot of things, brother.
But that's when somebody comes along and says, I'm going to do this the right way.
And that could be you.
You know, you could have Terrence's little magical zoo at the, you know, it could be zoo and ice cream or something.
You know, pet you a koala and get a Rocky Road.
You know what I'm saying?
Tickle a real Elmo and then get you that mint chocolate chimpanzee.
You could have, you know, you could mix and match.
So I think there's an opportunity there for you to then do something special whenever the, you know, it's tough though.
Sometimes also when your art or something you really enjoy, when it becomes a job, at a certain point it does burn you out.
It burns you out, man.
There's such a balance to everything, isn't there?
Man, when the art becomes such a job, it can burn you down.
You know, I feel exhausted sometimes from, you know, workout so busy that sometimes I feel exhausted.
You know, sometimes I feel, well, I need my passion back.
You get caught up too much in the X's and the O's.
And you forget the smell of the grass, you know.
And that's how I think we, you know, you have to, you have to find a way to represent it to yourself or get you a little animal.
Get you a lemur, bro.
Get you a little marmoset.
Get you a something, dude.
Get you six caterpillars and do something.
You know, get nine crickets and train them bitches to do a stunt.
You know, get a circus mouse, dog.
One quality mouse with a jingle bell on his neck.
And you out there green miling, baby boy.
You know what I'm saying?
Dude, they used to have a cat circus that parked around here.
My ex-girlfriend was always showing me on the YouTube.
A cat circus.
And two of them, they finally went on Jimmy Kimmel and didn't do shit and they got fired.
But they had nine cats living in a purple van doing nothing.
You know, and so anything's possible.
But I feel you, man, when it's maybe you just have to step away.
Maybe get you one animal and hit the road with it.
You know, Marcus's special Marcus and his special beagle.
You know, the supernatural, the supernatural aardvark.
And, you know what I'm saying?
With social media these days, you could advertise in a lot of special ways.
People are doing everything.
You could go sleep with the sloth.
They got sloths sleeping.
They got sloths sleeping over there.
And all your valuables are safe because it'll take that thing about eight hours to steal your phone because it's so slow.
But you could sleep with a sloth.
You go up in there and they got this little cubicle, you and your buddy in there.
And y'all could sleep with a sloth if you want for 200 over there outside of Portland.
But there's a lot of different opportunities, man.
A lot of ways to make Animalia more comfortable.
And I think a lot of these things are going to change, man.
Go to Texas.
You meet the right neighbor.
They'll have a damn tiger in Texas.
They'll have two white tigers out there.
There's a lot of different stuff going on.
But good luck out there, Daddy.
And if anybody has any suggestion for the Zookeeper, too, how to stay in the animal game, even if you're kind of quacked out, hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
And if you're quacked out of anything, I want to let you know that this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.
BetterHelp will assess your needs and match you up with your own licensed professional therapist.
You know, I've talked about it on here.
If you need therapy, you need help, then BetterHelp is a great place to do it.
It's a place where, you know, sometimes learning to talk to someone and get some help for your brain and get back into your body, it's hard.
It's hard at first.
It's hard to get to practice.
It's hard to just do it.
BetterHelp is a great way to experience professional help.
There's a broad range of expertise in BetterHelp's counselor network, which may not be locally available.
You can log into your account anytime and send a message to your counselor.
It's committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches, so BetterHelp makes it easy and free to change counselors if needed.
BetterHelp wants you to start living a happier life today.
Visit betterhelp.com slash Theo.
That's better H-E-L-P dot com slash Theo and join the over half of a million people taking charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional.
And our special offer for this past weekend, listeners, 10% off your first month, your first month, not your first visit, your first month at betterhelp.com slash Theo.
You can FaceTime with the counselor.
You can talk on the phone.
You could talk regular.
You could text.
It's a great way to experience just checking in with yourself and checking in with somebody else to check in with yourself.
Let's get another call here.
Here we go.
Thank you for supporting.
And also, we got this Rat King hitter.
I'm wearing it right now.
We've got a lot of neat stuff out there.
Rat King t-shirt that I really love that my brother wears a lot.
I see him wearing on Facebook.
It really means a lot to me that he wears it.
I know he, I mean, because he's a businessman.
And it's the year of the rat, baby.
You know, I'm making that comeback.
All these clams, dude.
I'll see them in the chowder, baby.
I was raised kissing oysters, son.
Let's go.
Yo, Theo, this is Austin.
I need some advice.
Every time me and my girl order takeout, she finds something wrong with her food.
Whether it's a hair or something doesn't look right.
And she ends up making me take it back.
So.
Oh!
Yo, here's a...
Dude, you got to send.
Let's hear more.
Should I just not feed her?
Let her eat my scraps?
Or do I just eat too fast and miss all the stuff that's in my food?
Man, look, I think there's nothing I can't stand more than somebody that sends their food back all the time.
Unless that thing came with, you know, I say two hairs or more.
One hair, I'll have it.
But a sideburn, I'm sending that bitch back.
You know, Latondra got one of them Rapunzel braids in there, I'm sending that bitch back.
But one hair, two hair, red hair, blue hair, you know, somebody drop half an Antifa wig in that thing, I'll still have it.
I'll still have it.
You know, life is life.
Things are going to happen.
But if you have somebody that's sending food back, I'm just saying, will they one day just send you back?
Maybe she finds a hair on your shoulder.
Maybe she finds an ingrown hair.
Whose is this?
Huh?
You're like, that's mine.
Whatever, I'm out.
So you got to think about that, man.
I can't stand that.
For me, that's a buzzkill.
If it happens once in a while to service as bad or something, yeah, I could see raising hell.
I went over to a pizza place, man.
I swear.
If I'd have had a bretta on me, bro, I'd have popped off in that match.
The guy was a complete asshole in there.
But I'll let the world do justice to him.
I don't need to do all that.
But if you got an incel like that living in your place, bruh, and sending back decent pies because maybe one of the pepperonis looks like it's winking at her or something, or somebody carved a Jesus Christ into the cheese or something, gee, gee, burst, bucko.
You better than that, bruh.
But good luck out there, man.
That's all I got for you, dude.
I got to be honest with you, gang.
What's up, Theo?
This is Max Frost calling in from Sydney, Australia.
Oh, Max Frost from Australia.
Thank you for calling, man.
And after all that fire, you guys could use Max Frost.
I mean, you're exactly the solution over there, I bet, man.
I hope everybody's doing well.
It's crazy.
Like, you know, we see a million pictures of koalas, you know, starving and using water and stuff.
And then suddenly, it's off the radar.
But just letting you know, man, thinking of you, hope you guys are doing well, gang, Onward?
Obviously, I'm not from Sydney, Australia.
I'm actually from Texas.
I'm down here right now doing some shows.
Oh, you just a visitor?
That's called a visitor, buddy.
Onward?
Part of the reason I'm calling, man, is I'm down here and living my life.
You know, I make music and down here playing shows and having show tonight that I guess was good, but I guess I just kind of called in to say, like, I don't know, there's something about that voice you talk about where you say, like, whenever you get off stage, it feels like your brain won't allow you to accept that you did a good job.
There's just something about that I really relate to, man, and that I fucking wish I could solve.
You know, I hate showing up to do what I came to do and then getting off stage and feeling like even though I did it, it's like I can't allow myself to appreciate that it's happening, which is stupid.
Shit, man.
That's it.
Hope you're good, bro.
Gang, gang.
Gang, bro.
Thank you for calling, man.
Yeah, man.
Wow, bro.
Okay.
Yeah, it's, you know, one of the reasons, I mean, I've done it my whole life, man.
You know, I'll never be good enough for me, man.
And I don't know how that happened to me.
I don't know how that...
But, man, that's a devilish thing to end up inside of you.
And I'm not saying that to have any self-pity.
You know, I'm at the age now I'm able to recognize it and I can do things to help myself.
But, you know, it gets hard on the podcast because it's hard for me to reflect on myself without sounding like a crybaby a lot.
You know, I don't want to have self-pity.
But I do want to be able to share what I share things, share something if I can, you know.
But no, man, it's crazy that isn't that crazy that somehow we will never be enough for ourselves.
Man, it's such a handicap, isn't it?
It's such a, and it's not true.
It's not even real.
I don't know how that engine gets started inside of us.
I'm trying to think about it and feel about it right now.
Why am I never enough for myself?
No, I will never be enough for myself.
Why?
Why, why?
Why am I never enough for myself, man?
It's not.
I'm just trying to feel.
I'm trying to, sometimes I can almost feel an answer inside of me, but I don't know what the words are because the feeling hasn't met with my brain exactly.
So I'm just trying to feel this out.
Bye.
Yeah, how nice it would be to have something inside of myself that's like, hey, you man, great job.
Hey, you did great.
Hey, you should be proud of yourself.
Hey, you should.
Hey, man, way to go.
Because when you think about it from an outsider's perspective, how sad that somebody's walking around, they will never be enough for themselves.
That their best will never make them feel good.
It doesn't sound like that.
It sounds like there's something off there because it doesn't factually check out.
You know, sometimes I think some of that is the toil of being an artist.
You know, there's something inside of people that want to do art or that you, I think you want some of that because it drives you.
It makes you adjust and change.
It makes you keep pressuring to create something good.
You know, you don't want to just play some garbage and be like, oh, that's great.
But I think sometimes for myself, that voice is in a, it's everywhere in me that I'm never going to be enough.
You know, I've got the legs of a, you ever seen a senior citizen drop their towel on accident and you see their legs?
That's what I have, though.
I have like those type of legs, but if that man was like a striker and like a like had like was but strong, I have like strong dropped towel senior citizen legs.
But it's always, everything I see about myself, it's never enough.
It's never good enough.
And I don't know if no one, I don't think anyone ever told me that I was bad.
I think just nobody ever told me that I was okay, that everything was, that it was enough, you know?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, man.
You're, yeah, that's good, you know.
Okay, that's, you've been, you know, and those are things that happen when we're young.
It has to happen when we're young.
But when we get old, you know, we can start to plant some different seeds, man, to bring this back here.
You know, and we can start to do it.
We can start to recognize it.
You know, and I'm glad you called about this because I think it'll just make me think when I get off stage or when I get done with this, when I get done with my workday, anybody out there, if you're driving FedEx or you making, you know, you doing beef scallions or whatever, you a butcher, you a barber, you doing sideburns, or you're doing siding, construction.
It's, yes, like when you get done, it's like, you know, I did good to remind ourselves that we did good.
If we did try, if we did try our best, you know.
Yeah, I don't know, man.
It's really interesting now.
It's really interesting why somehow we're never enough for ourselves, man.
And I think that's like the core of whatever it is.
If we could solve that in humans, and some of that's always going to be there because there's this, you know, that's why people look for a higher power.
That's why people seek.
That's why people travel.
That's why people, you know, start families because they want to fill in.
Because in the end, humanity, being human, it's a journey of finding more.
At least I hope it is for people.
Maybe some people are just perfectly happy and they're already, you know, they were born on the pinnacle of peace.
But I think for a lot of us, it's trying to find out what's going on.
How do we, what do I do?
What can I do to feel more, to find more, to achieve, to try, to what is here in this world, on the outside and on the inside?
You know?
Where's the Mount Everest, you know, out here outside of me?
And where's the Mount Everest inside of me?
Where's the, where can I go in here?
Because, man, it gets wild inside of us.
It's deep in there, and it's high, and it's far.
So I think some of That's just the toil of being an artist, man.
And I think some of it is a journey that we're on.
You know, some of it is that we're too hard on ourselves and that we're doing okay.
You know, the best thing sometimes I can say for myself is always just that I tried my best.
But yeah, that's good, man.
I want to think about that more for myself and not think about it.
I just want to start to behave like it.
Hey, man, you did a good job.
Oftentimes, I don't want to do it because I don't want people to think that I'm full of myself.
I think sometimes it comes back to I'm worried so much about what other people will think, maybe.
I don't want people to think that I'm so full of myself.
But thank you for that call, man.
And thank you for that question.
And keep on playing the hits, man.
We got a Patreon question that came in.
Tawny, T-O-N-I, could be Tony, could be Tanya.
Favorite TV show currently.
I really love the pharmacist on Netflix.
And I want to see about maybe having that gentleman come in as a guest.
It's really a great show.
I really love live PD.
And if you haven't seen live PD, man, it's great.
It's like cops.
Cops actually is really good, too.
It's just like new cops.
I like Flinttown on Netflix.
I like what else?
Jim Gaffigans was on, he has a special on Amazon that's really good.
And those are things, I guess, that I'm currently watching.
There's a new date line, too, that's crazy good about some people that have two children that they can't find, yet it's in Idaho.
That shit is good.
And I don't want more people to die in the world, but we need some more date lines.
Boy.
Speaking of Idaho, here's one.
Are California kids that bad?
Does Idaho need to build a wall?
And that's from Kim Chickens from Patreon.
You know, I don't think California kids are bad, man.
There's bad people everywhere.
You know, there's a lot of great people in California.
There's a lot of wonderful people.
I think the taxes are way too high.
I think that it's too idealistic.
I think the ideas of a perfect humanity are starting to collide with the realities that we can't do all of this.
We don't, or we just aren't.
You know, it's like, I mean, the parks are getting busier.
I was just looking at a park yesterday.
I was going to look for a park to just chill out.
And I went to a park and I'm like, man, this isn't even a place you can relax anymore.
You know, there's a lot of people who are, you know, I don't want to just say homeless, but not well and people that are doing drugs.
And I know some of those people are my people.
I get it, bro.
You know, they're rats like me, you know.
But it made me scared to just want to take a nap in the park because I don't want to get killed during a sleeping.
So I think you have some of that shit.
I think you got more of a soft batch overall.
You know, and I put that up.
You go SEC against the Pac-10, dude, Pac-12, Pac-20, pack it up as much as you want.
They'll never take the SEC, man.
But I just think some of its city living is different.
So I think maybe Los Angeles is, it's just a tough place, it seems like, to raise kids to have, you know, every street is a busy street.
There's no space for a child's imagination, I don't feel like.
You know, a child needs to be able to look out at some space and be like, oh, what could happen here?
So it's probably a great place to raise an accountant.
But is it a great place to raise somebody with a wild imagination?
I don't know.
I don't think it would be my ideal place.
Gang.
Let's take, I think we did good today.
I think we did good.
Oh, well, here's one right here, actually.
One more Patreon from Cigar Ja, J-H-A.
Theo, what's the best part about spring?
Gang, gang.
I think the best part about spring is it's just kind of a reminder of what every day is.
You know, every day is a new chance.
It's that, you know, every day is a silver medal.
You know, every day is saying, hey, if it didn't happen yesterday, if you didn't do it right, if you didn't do it as well as you wanted to, it's really a real soft way of saying, here's another opportunity.
You know, here's another shot today.
And it really, the way that the world even presents a day to you is really so beautiful, you know.
Slow sunrise, the light slowly gathers.
Wouldn't it be crazy if just, bam, they cut it on.
It was fluorescent as fuck.
It just felt like an ICU or something.
That would be so drastic.
But the way that nature says, hey, I'm here, you're here.
Let's see what we could do.
The way that nature does that with just a day, I think is beautiful.
And spring, I think, is like that.
And I do think there's some value to live in a place that where you have four seasons because you remember that you're part of earth.
You're part of this.
You're part of life.
Whereas sometimes in California, it's just the same day forever.
It just never ends, man.
So I think the best part about spring is just a chance to put something new in the ground, you know?
To try something different.
You know, it's crazy.
All the things sometimes that I feel like I've recently have been feelings that the things that I, it's crazy somehow the things that I fear the most are sometimes recently the things that are starting to tempt me the most.
Like, what if I just did those things?
You know, what if I just got me a house or got me a wife or got me a or not got me one, you got to really have love and everything, but you know, got me a dog.
What if I did all those things?
I don't know.
I don't want to let my life just pass by me just being in this fear state or this place of indecision.
Sometimes I feel like the best feelings I could have are right on the other side of my fears, you know.
And that's wild, man.
That's wild.
But what do I know, dude?
I don't know anything.
And that is the fact.
I'm going to probably call BetterHelp.
Look, I love you guys, and I appreciate you.
And thank you for being a part of this past weekend.
And we do have exciting plans to do some unique things for people this year and be a part of people's lives.
And I'm just excited to remind myself to get back to what I think is important sometimes.
And what is unique sometimes this podcast, about this podcast, is that it's a group effort.
And that we're doing something not alone.
And that, to me, feels good, man.
And that's the sugar, bro.
That's the sugar, man.
We'll finish out here with this hit again from Tiny Sandhu who sent it in.
And that magical man from the ether.
What is he?
We don't know.
He could be a puff of smoke.
He could be a ninja.
He could be a czar.
He could be a marsupial.
He could be a plate, one of the tectonics underneath us.
We don't know.
Who knows, man?
But he makes sweet music more than words, man.
I'm out of words.
You guys be good to yourselves.
You deserve it.
Okay.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Suiar.
Easy deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
