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Jan. 30, 2020 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

02:17:15

Mark Normand | This Past Weekend #258

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Time	Text
	Today's guest is a fellow Louisiana native comedian.
	He is one of a kind.
	You can see him tonight at the La Jolla Comedy Store in San Diego and touring all across America.
	Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Mark Normandy.
	No.
	Going for it.
	Yeah, I just like having, I don't know what it is, man.
	This year I started feeling so uncomfortable sometimes that sometimes it gives me like a little bit of like a, I don't know if it almost makes me feel like I'm in like disguise almost.
	I do the same with sunglasses.
	Do you?
	I just feel better with sunglasses on.
	It's like a poker game.
	I don't want you to know what I'm doing, you know?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I think I have this constant perception or this constant fear, something that everybody knows what I'm thinking, even though they don't.
	I do.
	That's why I can't look people in the eye because I feel like they're going to see it in my head.
	Oh, yeah.
	This is all gold, by the way.
	We're missing it.
	We got it.
	We got it.
	Oh, shit.
	I blew it.
	Hold on.
	I'm going to get a little closer.
	I'm a weirdo.
	No, these shares are limited.
	That's the thing.
	Yeah.
	This is nice, man.
	Good digs.
	Yeah, thanks, man.
	It's been a little over three years that we've been podcasting now.
	This is the new medium.
	This is changing the game, you know?
	It's interesting, huh?
	Yeah, New York is way behind.
	Yeah, why is that?
	Do you feel like New York is behind in the podcast world?
	Well, we're such purist cunts, you know.
	We think we're cool and great, and it's all about the art.
	And then over here, you guys are like, well, I'd like to make some money.
	Yeah.
	You know?
	And we don't have any money.
	Look at David Tell.
	David Tell is brilliant comedian, funniest guy on the planet.
	He's walking around with a CVS bag and a black hoodie on.
	Yeah, somebody said he had graffiti on his back.
	Yeah, he probably fell asleep at a train station.
	And then Joe Rogan is, you know, driving 17 cars and living in a warehouse, you know.
	Drinking space blood, yeah.
	Yeah, yeah.
	So we got to take a little note from you guys on that.
	Yeah, but it's kind of picking up.
	You have a podcast.
	Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
	Tuesdays with stories, baby.
	It's cooking, finally.
	And I know people love Chris DiStefano and Giannis' podcast.
	They're killing it.
	They're killing it.
	Tim Dillon, we got...
	He moved here?
	That fat homo.
	I know.
	Damn it.
	Well, we got Schultz.
	Yeah, you got Schultz over there leading charge.
	Yeah.
	He's got that.
	I think it's so funny, bro.
	I know.
	It kills.
	That guy is a marketing guru.
	He's wild, bro.
	He's such a sand Christian, isn't he?
	When you look at him, he has a very...
	I feel like he has the most ambiguous.
	I don't know what ambiguous means.
	Jewy, Middle Eastern-y, or could be Italian, could be Russian.
	Yeah, you're right.
	And he's got the cheese stash, and that throws you off.
	It's his Uber driver.
	Is he a DJ?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	He dropped Uber Black, though.
	Yes.
	Yes, exactly.
	And he wouldn't know about all the cool nightclubs and shit.
	Yeah.
	He'd have probably some pussy in the trunk.
	Oh, trunk pussy.
	That's the best kind.
	Something would be in the trunk that was for sale if he were driving Uber Black.
	Right, right.
	Yes, like old VCRs or some shit.
	Or Blu-ray.
	How many have Blu-ray?
	What is Blu-ray?
	I've always heard about it.
	Is that the Uber Black of DVD?
	I think it is.
	I think it's just something else that they tried to really upsell people on because I don't think it really, Blu-ray never really took off.
	Well, I worked at Blockbuster, not bragging.
	And there was like the Blu-ray section was like, oh, shit, look at this guy.
	It was like VIP.
	It was velvet roped and had bottle service over there.
	It was different.
	But I never got it.
	Yeah, I never had Blu-ray.
	Actually, it scared me because it seemed like it wasn't going to catch on.
	Yes, yes, exactly.
	Exactly.
	That's why I never did it.
	Like Bitcoin.
	Yeah.
	I heard there was a, sorry, there was a huge fight in the beginning between HD DVDs and Blu-ray.
	They were kind of like similar, both better than regular DVDs.
	But Blu-ray won because the porn industry adopted it.
	Oh, porn is big.
	Porn is so powerful.
	Do you watch?
	I try not to watch, but I have watched probably within the last 11 hours.
	Same.
	Same.
	Yeah.
	I had a blocker on my phone and it quit working.
	Once the blocker worked on my phone, it worked for about two and a half years.
	You had a cock blocker.
	Yeah, literally.
	Wow.
	Bro, it wiped it out of my eye.
	And I need to get a new blocker.
	Yeah, it changed my game.
	When I got the phone blocker, I was off for months and months.
	Well, you know, porn is dangerous because if you don't watch it for five days and then you look at it again, you're like, whoa, like, it comes all back to you.
	Like, this is amazing.
	But it's bad for you.
	It hits all the senses.
	It's too much.
	It's like ketchup.
	It's too dark, yeah.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And you can see anal and Asians and Jews.
	It's tough.
	And are there, I don't know, is there a Jew section on there?
	I don't know.
	There should be.
	That should be like Nazi porn.
	There's every other kind of porn.
	There's racist porn.
	There is?
	That's a category.
	Racist porn.
	Yeah, and it's like, you know, oh, they got the Asian, they throwing egg rolls at her and shit.
	I mean, I didn't make that up.
	That's real.
	Yeah, no.
	It doesn't seem like something you would just fabricate.
	If it was, it'd be pretty good.
	China has Nazi-themed bars.
	Oh, I could see that.
	Yeah, but it's not like we hate Jews.
	It's just they re-existed, and, you know, that's a theme.
	Have you been over there to do stand-ups?
	I did some Shanghai, and I saw the Great Wall and all that.
	Yeah.
	Not a humorous people.
	I mean, we're doing better now with the Ally Wongs.
	Is she Chinese?
	Oh, boy.
	Here we go.
	I'm Shang Gillising right now.
	But yeah, yeah.
	She's Chinese enough, I think.
	Yeah, something's up.
	Ronnie Chang, he's got to be Chinese.
	He's got to be Chinese.
	If he's not Chinese, dude, then we quit.
	Yeah, if he's not Chinese, he's Russian.
	Oh, she's from Pacific Island.
	She's from San Francisco.
	Oh, so there you go.
	That's Chinatown.
	Yeah, that's the trolley Chinese, they call them.
	She's very, very funny.
	A big fan of the Wong.
	Yeah.
	Oh, Kobe.
	So I went into Pornhub last night.
	I went into the search because I like the compilations.
	And Kobe Bryant was the first thing that popped up.
	Wow.
	Isn't that wild?
	That means that's how people mourn.
	People want to get in there and see Kobe Bryant pornography.
	Is it women that look like Kobe or is it men?
	I didn't click on it, but I think it's, I think, I guess ladies or gay guys are like, I want to fuck or watch a Kobe-like guy fuck.
	I'm sure there's a lot of men who are getting like kind of lean, gay men who are black men, tall men, who are getting probably extra work right now in the escort circuit.
	Yes.
	Isn't that weird?
	Like, this guy died.
	Let's bring him in.
	Yeah.
	Do you have a jersey?
	Come on over.
	Yeah.
	I wouldn't think like that.
	Uh-uh.
	You know, I liked Ralphie Mae, but I'm not Googling that.
	Although he's not sexy.
	Yeah, but I'm not going to eat 40 Tyson dinners and jerk off somewhere.
	Exactly.
	Exactly.
	And R.I.P.
	Ralphie, man.
	That's so crazy how it's so wild how quickly someone goes from being here to being gone, isn't it?
	It's just so.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And it's an eye-opener.
	You kind of go, shit, I could go in any minute.
	I got family and then my friends.
	And what if they go?
	And yeah, he had a lot more to do, I feel like.
	Do you, yeah, that's the feeling.
	And also that he just got done really working.
	Like, you know, that whole stretch of like being an athlete, like, even though it's glorified and stuff a lot of times and it's a popular job and people love seeing it, it's also, it's still a ton of work.
	It's like, oh, yeah.
	That man was working.
	I mean, he played in the summer leagues.
	He played on the Olympic teams.
	I mean, that was working for 20 years.
	Totally, totally.
	And it's kind of why he crashed because he was doing so much that he couldn't sit in LA traffic.
	So he had to get helicopters.
	But I'm not a big NBA guy, but I watched his documentary and it blew my mind because it relates to stand-up.
	You can put a parallel and just hard working.
	And there's a story of him.
	He went to basketball camp as a kid and like three months of camp didn't score one basket.
	Not one.
	And he said he felt like he let his dad down because his dad was a player.
	He let his uncle down.
	And then he just kept working and became the best.
	Yeah, I think that's one thing that like, because I've never been a big Kobe fan.
	I was a big Jordan fan.
	You know, Zion's got me back into the NBA.
	Some with the Pells.
	You like Zion.
	Yeah, it's exciting.
	But I always marveled at how he had, people from around the world really gravitated towards him.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And I marveled at his work ethic.
	It just seemed like there was nobody else in the fourth quarter of games and stuff who was who it seemed like not only wanted the ball, but was going to be able to handle it better than anybody.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And he was tough and scary and competitive, but I feel like as he grew, he got more gentle and loving.
	Like he would shout out to the younger guys, like, you're doing great.
	And we've all been, you know, when you start out and stand up, you're like, who's this young cum guzzler coming up on my heels?
	And then after a while, you're like, wait, I'm good.
	He's good.
	Why can't we all be good?
	Yeah.
	And I'm going to give him a nice tweet.
	Do you think, like, was there something that like, like, say when like a death like that happens, is there something that you kind of think like, like, sometimes I wonder, like, where does it hit me?
	Like, does it hit me that I'm like scared of like leaving, scared of missing people?
	Like, I wonder, like, what is it about, like, specifically about death that, like, you know, really gets me the most?
	Well, I think it's a couple things.
	One, it's just so final.
	There's no like next try or let me redo.
	And then.
	Right, there's no more email.
	There's not like another email.
	You don't get another email.
	Nothing, nothing.
	You know, you write a bad tweet, you delete it, you write another one.
	This is it.
	You're typos out there.
	Two, you want to be...
	Like have some videos, some photos, some change.
	And he's got kids.
	I know.
	Ah, the whole thing sucks.
	It should have been Curry.
	Steph Curry, you think?
	No, I'm joking.
	I'm joking.
	It would have been to ourselves.
	I think if it would have been Sam Perkins, you remember him from the Sonics?
	I'm going to bring up Mr. Sam Perkins.
	Pull up Perky.
	It's been a while.
	He's one of the first extremely stoned players to play well.
	But also, Kobe.
	He shot a three into the stands one time completely the wrong way.
	Wow, that's a good to death for that.
	Oh, I was pitching a white guy.
	Sam Perkins.
	I don't remember him.
	Oh, yeah, one of a kind, dude.
	And he definitely...
	Yeah, it's sideways, like a diagonal corn.
	Yeah, like they're kind of like the Asian corn, like when they plant it on the mountain.
	He played it in North Carolina with Michael Jordan, too.
	Wow.
	He was one of a kind.
	So cool.
	Is there a lie sometimes?
	You know what I sadly is when I think about dying, I don't want to have like lies out there that I've told.
	Oh, yeah.
	Because everything's just at that point, it's like when you, it's all coming out.
	Yeah, oh, yeah.
	That's it.
	And you can't fix anything.
	You have no control.
	And if you die like that, that's it.
	That's how you're dead.
	You're fucked.
	Yeah, I used to think sometimes whenever, however you die, that that's how you like are in heaven.
	So like if you die like this, you know, then you got to walk around like that, you know?
	Yeah, but isn't heaven supposed to be perfect and great and all that?
	Yeah, but I don't think they do like a lot of like chiropractic work up there.
	Yeah, they're not doing Botox and shit.
	Yeah, they're not remodeling you before you get there.
	You show up.
	Like if you got hit by a train, you know, you're that.
	But that means everybody in heaven's going to be all wacky and shit-faced and weird and run flat from being run over or smushed.
	Yeah, I think it'll be fun.
	I think it'd be great.
	You got a hero.
	You'll know immediately what happened to the guy.
	Right, I guess.
	Damn, you got a bunch of dog bites on you.
	That's a tough way though.
	Yeah, you got a bullet hole right here.
	Yeah, you're going to know immediately.
	Yeah.
	People have that bullet hole.
	Like, dang, bro.
	Some guys walk around with a spear.
	He's 500 years old.
	Musket wound.
	Scurvy.
	AIDS.
	Yeah, it's so scary, man.
	It's just so.
	And there's no control.
	You have no control over it either.
	And when I got back to LA, I felt it.
	I really felt it at the airport.
	It was like, oh, man, like, you know, there's just so many Kobe fans.
	I know, I know.
	So many.
	And it's kind of nice that in this world of canceling and PC and all that, that he got in trouble for whatever he did.
	I don't want to get into it.
	And we can still mourn the guy.
	We don't have to sit there and go, well, actually, it's like, shut up.
	Let us have this.
	The guy's dead.
	Enough with your bullshit.
	Right.
	You know?
	Well, yeah, and I think that it's one of the reminders.
	Yeah, it's almost like this so necessary reminder for humanity that we all have so many mistakes.
	Yes.
	There's this weird pressure, Especially with social media where it's this perfection that's not so unrealistic.
	I know, like in the 90s, it was, hey, nobody's perfect, and now it's, hey, if you're not perfect, we'll figure it out and kill you.
	Yeah, and then it's annoys me.
	I don't want to get too kiffy on here, but these douches on Twitter that just shit on you: you're homopho, you're racist, you suck, you blah, blah.
	And then a guy kills himself, and they go, hey, if you're feeling sad, reach out.
	What are you doing about it?
	It's like, you did this.
	You're the piece of shit.
	You're the poison out here.
	You're ruining us.
	Stop yelling at me, you fucking whore.
	Ah, drives me crazy.
	Joe, I was listening to Rogan last night at the comedy store, and honestly, like, he has some new material that some of the, no joke, some of the best stuff I've ever seen.
	Oh, yeah?
	Wow.
	It's just so good, man.
	And it's exactly about that kind of stuff, the cancel culture and the level, like how just it's some people that are doing all of this image.
	The loud voices.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And then what's weird is when, you know, you see these people on Twitter going, oh, shut up.
	Cancel culture is not a thing.
	Get over yourself.
	And you're like, well, I mean, we're talking about it right now.
	Therefore, it probably exists.
	I don't remember hearing this term 10 years ago.
	So it's obviously there.
	People are getting fired and killing themselves and shit.
	So something's up.
	Well, it's weird.
	It's like if you're funny because even like with Ari Shafir, you know, with Ari's tweet and Ari's, you know, and it just came up on TMZ.
	I just saw somebody sent me a link.
	I don't know, something just happened today with it.
	But it was like, oh, wow, this guy is, you know, Ari is getting, he's, like, he's getting canceled in the sense of like, I think a lot of people who maybe didn't even know about him are now just they hear his name and that he's that it's no good that he's right right you get a stigma you're done kind of i think a lot of his fans who were his fans for his dark edge and style and his like totally graveyard sort of alfred hitchcock um kind of
	you know his ambiance yeah drug ambiance are in there they they are probably they love it they have to be accepting of it at least if they know that that's what he's into yes yes um what was that what was uh there was a we had a video question one of our listeners sent in about this okay hey guys hey theo hi mark love you guys both this is ivan huge twos gay that's my pod and um was just wondering what mark thought about the column video that aria figure
	did um i know theo once said in his podcast that it was just the whole mess of his situation that children died you know that there is free speech but to expect you know the the wrath and uh consequences that will come from that and i was just wondering what mark thought since i know they're both uh good friends and i know like ari mark likes to push the envelope too on his comedy and
	okay maybe should it have just been a twitter draft i don't know let me let me know what you guys think and please come to El Paso I the border loves you I think the border loves you yeah I love the honesty guys both take care gang gang gang Ivan thank you brother that's a good it's nice that he listens to both of our podcasts that is nice yeah pods are big but if you really want to know my ari thing I just think who gives a fuck he's he's a he's a dirtbag this is his thing he's a friend
	of mine this is he's always done this and for some reason this Kobe one really hit home with people and so he just he's always made these kind of jokes when someone dies but for some reason this one is sticking yeah and I don't give a shit you know he he's not a bad guy that's the thing about ari he gives back he gives so much but people just know him as this you know friend dosing uh kobe joke making guy well a lot of people are well just that's the thing about some of the cancer culture stuff it's like you you get introduced to people for
	the first time only as a bad guy yes and i don't want to say any names but somebody gave out his address oh wow and it's a person we know and you want to be like hey dickless what are you doing like you didn't you're a cop you know what he's doing stop trying to get on other people's side by i know you're angry but like also you're introducing people to ari's joke because you're actually spreading it more you think it's so evil why would you want more people to see it yeah you know and and it's just so backwards and giving out his address is basically what he's doing to kobe so
	now you're just doing the thing he's doing so you're just as guilty and just as big of a piece of shit or maybe more because at least ari was trying to be humorous yeah i mean he's a horrible comedian so he's not gonna be funny but at least he was trying he doesn't he's not hurting anybody the guy's dead but the other guy giving out the address that could actually cause violence yeah what if somebody shows up over there yeah yeah and then then we should tweet out your fucking address how about that yeah and then when does it end yeah yeah you fucking chooch yeah it's so funny because ari is a nice like ari let me stay at his place i don't even know ari very well yes he let me stay there for
	two weeks when i was in needed a place to stay in new york i mean that's a nice thing to do yeah he's a nice thing stay in you know you can stay in my place i don't even think he charged me any you know didn't even make me pay anything i mean right um what do you think about the dosing with burt because that really a lot of people were on the fence on on the big heb and then that just pushed him over into the into mexico yeah i think uh i don't know enough about the dosing but i just think as far as like surprising somebody with some drugs i think that's kind of sometimes i'm like is that some of the world that they all live
	in though you know like i don't know what their previous history with it is if they're like you know slipping and you know you know uh you know sprinkling some you know some of that fucking brain glitter some pcp you know i don't know what they're doing i don't know how much they're secretly hiding acid in each other's asses you know like like when i was growing up they had a thing vagiping for a while girls would put uh lsd in their vagina what yeah and go hard a dick trip your dick will go in and get all burning man that was the
	thing yeah well it's like the girl was tripping then you get in there and get some of the trip and so it was this real i don't mind a trip but i don't want it through my dick hole that's that's a weird sapaz that's a way that's a wild that's a wild entrance that's a front sapazza holy hell uh there's nick big nick's a creeper well he's a premature baby dude so he's making up for lost oh are you a prebie well you came out good that's what i'm saying man why a lot of these guys are going 36 and nick got out early bro nick is a hard worker
	oh yeah i was like a c-sex really oh yeah i came out through the fucking roof oh wow or i guess maybe the moon roof or something i didn't come out through the door i could see you being like i don't know you know is this the best thorough affair right see what else is going on and you've all touched your mom's vadge i haven't touched well maybe you've touched my mom's she's a big slut but uh I haven't touched my mom's vagina, which feels pretty good.
	Oh, yeah.
	I guess I could see that.
	Yeah, there is always a weird element.
	I think sometimes when I look at my mom and she and I both know what I did.
	Yeah, yeah.
	You ruined her labia.
	For a while.
	They say it goes back.
	Yeah, I hear it's never exactly the same, but that's my buddy said that.
	Ooh, well, maybe at a big kid or something.
	Yeah, he said, though.
	Because we've all banged some MILFs and it didn't feel that different.
	Yeah, I don't have any feelings in my penis at all.
	I don't feel like that.
	Oh, really?
	Come on.
	I don't think so.
	I mean, so many of the nerves are in my brain that it's so...
	Wait, are you serious?
	Yeah, I'm just not.
	I mean, yeah, like.
	You're not very sensitive downtown.
	I don't think so.
	What?
	You got jizzing all over?
	No, no.
	Really?
	Oh, I put it in.
	I'm done.
	Oh, man.
	Yeah, I mean, and don't worry, I got the brain stuff, too.
	I'm going, I hate myself.
	I'm tiny.
	I'm gay, all this shit.
	I don't have the...
	Oh, yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	My dick's like a girl seeing the notebook.
	It's just weeping.
	It's bad.
	Bro, the first time I ever had sex, I remember getting right up, like literally, my penis was right outside of this girl's vagina.
	Yes.
	And it just like sneezed ejaculate, you know, just like it was so nervous or something.
	Yeah, yeah.
	So it hit the out, so it pressure washed.
	Oh, definitely.
	And it was like, it was almost like my penis was like, I'm too sick to handle this.
	I just vomited outside of this girl's entryway.
	You puked at the table.
	You didn't even get to the buffet.
	Oh, I didn't even get there.
	Oh, man.
	You golden corralled.
	And we were so ready.
	Everybody was so ready.
	So then I had to pretend like I was so ready, bro.
	And that was crazy because I had to like, oh, hold on.
	I don't want to just do this.
	I don't want to make up this long story.
	Right.
	And then I finally just got honest with her.
	And she smelled like cigarettes as well.
	But then I got honest with her.
	And I said, look, I already, I'm done.
	Yeah, I blew.
	I'm done.
	With condom?
	No, condom.
	Oh, so she didn't feel the big splugeo?
	She might have.
	I think she was kind of being nice because it kind of happened, you know, out like right in the hallway.
	Right, I got you.
	In the foyer.
	Ah, yes.
	You're in the lobby.
	Yeah.
	Damn, a lobby sound.
	I was in the lobby.
	Hey!
	Killer.
	Thanks, man.
	So I got to say, I've known you for 38 years now, and you're really getting more comfortable as you.
	The more, every year that goes by, you're getting more at one with yourself.
	Well, thanks, man.
	And it's inspiring.
	Thanks, bro.
	Because, you know, in the beginning of comedy, we all kind of pretend like we're cool and we're not nervous and we don't give a fuck, but we're freaking out the whole time.
	Oh, yeah.
	You know?
	But now I feel like you're owning you, which is very healthy.
	Thanks, man.
	I'm trying to do better at it.
	It's definitely, yeah, it's been something, you know, like I've been on that path of like, or not a path, but, you know, I got sober a couple years ago and got into that world.
	And so that kind of stuff made me start to like, I don't know.
	It's definitely helped me with trying not to be so, like, I used to be so much more angry.
	I'm still kind of edgy about business and stuff.
	Yeah, same here.
	Because I don't know anything about it.
	I feel like they're taking advantage of me.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, dude.
	But I used to be on stage and always, I felt like I had this thing that I had to prove or something.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	It's been interesting, man.
	But that's interesting about learning as we grow and growing into our voice.
	Like when I watched you on Joe Rogan, I was like, oh my God, dude, this guy is like such a just one, just like something.
	I can't even tell what era you're from.
	Well, I was nervous.
	Don't get me wrong.
	Oh, dude, totally, right?
	Yeah.
	You were?
	Oh, my God.
	You couldn't tell.
	You were cool as a cue.
	Well, I think you channeled the nerves into you, into like just you on steroids.
	You popped.
	Well, you did too.
	I mean, I feel like a lot of people, oh, the response was great from you being on that.
	I had a good response, but, you know, I still, I got a ways to go.
	I feel like you've honed a thing, and I'm still in the path of honing, I think.
	But I think you're such a, but I think one of the thing that we start to realize is that, yeah, we're already kind of maybe where we need to be in some ways.
	Because, I mean, I think you're such a unique.
	I mean, there's just nobody who has the same.
	It's not only the jokes, but it's also you kind of, your ambiance meeting up with this uncomfortable, you know.
	I'm uncomfortable right now.
	We've definitely been blowing each other.
	It's so relatable, man.
	Really?
	I feel like I'm so weird and different.
	I don't know.
	It's all very strange.
	And we don't know what we're doing, but the journey is the fun part.
	We've got to stop and realize that.
	You know, we're going to be 88 one day.
	We're going to be like Mel Brooks and fucking Carl Reiner going, those were great times.
	I wish we had stopped and soaked it in a little.
	Do you think as comics, it's hard to enjoy stuff, though?
	Oh, completely.
	You're just worried about the next thing.
	You're always thinking about the future.
	When's my next gig?
	What's this?
	Does this guy hate me?
	I got to make up with him.
	That girl's yelling at me.
	I got to work on that.
	But just think, like, remember back at Lucy's?
	We were on the fucking...
	That's a bar in New Orleans that had an upstairs show.
	And it was a great room for a studio.
	Great room.
	Great room.
	But I didn't know what was going on.
	I knew you had done some stuff, so that was exciting.
	But now I'm in your studio in fucking LA.
	Yeah, we're both here.
	It's quite a roller coaster of anal.
	I mean, a lot has happened.
	That's crazy.
	Who's W. Nick's here?
	He's a preemie.
	You're lucky to be alive, you fucking water baby.
	He really is.
	We're glad to have you, though.
	I'm glad your mom didn't get an abortion.
	Yeah, that's true, huh?
	She thought about it.
	I'm sure she had some encouragement.
	She was supposed to stop having kids.
	She's schizophrenic.
	Oh, I'm sorry.
	I didn't know.
	Oh, it's all good.
	Make all the jokes you want.
	She's single?
	All right.
	I love a crazy bra.
	Yeah, Markle date one of her.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, man.
	That was so wild coming up in that time.
	I guess New Orleans.
	I don't know.
	I felt like you guys had such a close-knit group there, and I didn't really kind of fit in, but I did start doing comedy there in Lucy's.
	And Brown, that little bar that was downstairs next door across the street.
	Oh, yeah.
	Originally just had a sign on the stage that said Brown on it.
	Yeah.
	What was that?
	It was like a Wednesday night, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And the guy's like, We didn't make any money tonight, you need to stay after him, buy drinks.
	It's what he told me once.
	Oh, shit.
	He said about like 19 drinks today.
	I drank two of them.
	Yeah.
	I was sitting there with literally 17 drinks.
	Yeah, you had to pay to perform when you were new.
	Yeah.
	Because you were in the way.
	Like, they're like, you're lucky we're letting you do this.
	Here, give us money.
	There's no scene, really.
	No, no.
	There barely is now, but it's better.
	But yeah, stand-up didn't even seem like a way to make a living.
	It was just like, let me try this.
	It's something to do.
	Because all we did was drink and try to get laid and drive around drunk and do blow or whatever.
	But like stand-up was just, it felt like, let me try this thing.
	I got nothing going on.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Girls don't like me.
	Maybe this will be some way into women.
	And yeah, and then my friend's like, I'm moving to New York.
	And I said, well, I got nothing else going on.
	It almost kind of helped being desperate and worthless and a loser.
	Yeah.
	Because you had nothing attached to you.
	And you're like, fuck it, I'll go to New York City.
	What's the difference?
	Yeah, I could go up there to stay.
	Yeah, it's almost like, yeah, what other reason?
	Yeah, it's like you almost have to be at this low space in yourself.
	Yes.
	Because you're like, oh, I'll take anything.
	Right, right, right, right.
	Because moving to New York, I don't know.
	Oh, that was so scary.
	I didn't do that.
	You didn't do it?
	I moved to LA.
	Aha.
	But yeah, I got mugged three times in a year.
	You know, you're so poor.
	You're so worthless.
	You don't know the city.
	And it's before smartphones.
	And my landlord died of AIDS.
	I got bed bugs.
	I mean, the whole thing was bananas.
	Damn.
	Yeah, yeah.
	But you're just so young and drunk the whole time.
	You're like, man, this is life.
	I'm an adult.
	Yeah.
	Bro, you guys, I feel like now that's a different side where I think I would understand you guys holding on to the culture more of comedy, like the, the, uh, you know, the sort of British regalia of it all.
	Yeah, right.
	Because you guys really go through it there in New York.
	Like you're sleeping on top of, you know, you're sleeping on a fat guy's back for $20 a night.
	You know, you guys are really, whereas in LA, it's like you can, even if you're in the park here, it's nice.
	Yeah, that's right.
	The weather, dude, I got to tell you, I'm pitching these shows that'll never get sold.
	And I'm at the Fox lot, and you walk in.
	It's a big parking lot.
	It's a beautiful day.
	There's this open air courtyard.
	All these girls have their shoes kicked off.
	They have their feet up on the table.
	They're smoking vape pens.
	They're drinking a coffee.
	They got the sunglasses on.
	I'm like, you don't know what you got.
	This is amazing.
	You don't appreciate any of it.
	This is your job.
	You're getting paid probably like $100,000 a year working at TV.
	You're in show business.
	You got your shoes off at work.
	You're living it.
	Living it.
	And they don't even know.
	They're like, Uber Eats is taking a while.
	And you're like, shut up, cunt.
	You're living the dream.
	What are you crazy?
	You got a Tesla.
	I have a moped.
	Oh, man.
	It blows my mind.
	But that's LA.
	I mean, I get it.
	I'm an idiot.
	I'm the weirdo.
	I should have moved here because.
	But you couldn't have done it different.
	You're right.
	You're right.
	But in a bad way, it's just like you just couldn't have done it different.
	Like, you couldn't have gotten.
	You got to go with your gut.
	Like, you got to be in New York.
	I mean, you got to be in.
	Like, it had to be as you're growing over there and as you're getting more opportunities, you're like, holy shit.
	Like, because in LA, it's like you see people that have a different type of talent than you.
	You see people that aren't ready, that don't have, that a lot of times do not have some talent.
	Sure.
	And you see them get huge opportunities.
	Right.
	You know, and it, and, and everybody kind of backs it up.
	There's more of this PR kind of bullshit here.
	Yeah.
	LA almost feels like a high school extended.
	You know, it's like cool clothes, cool cars, cool guy, sneakers, alpha.
	And he wins.
	He wins, yeah, yeah.
	Where in New York, it feels more like, oh, that was a clever take on that joke.
	And it feels more arty a little bit, like a little more intellectually.
	Like, like David Tell, as I mentioned, he looks like a hobo.
	Right.
	But he's this brilliant guy.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	You always have somebody like that in the building that makes you check, that checks all the levels.
	Yes.
	It's like, even if he's not personally doing it, it's just him being there.
	Right.
	There's a ceiling as to what's going on.
	Yeah, but then you go to the comic store and I'm in the main room, green room, and you're like, look at all these sexy dudes.
	You know, like Brendan Shaub's a fucking chiseled, fat bitch.
	Like, he's got the slick hair, the cool shoes.
	He's got a chain on.
	I would never even think to put on a chain.
	Oh, he's the white part of bacon.
	Yeah.
	I always call him the white part of bacon.
	Still good, but damn, boy.
	Yeah, yeah.
	A little thick and not good for you.
	Yeah, he's a thick crust.
	And he's got the cheese in there, too.
	Oh, yeah.
	You know, you stretch it and it pulls.
	Oh, yeah.
	It's like, dang, how much cheese is that?
	I know, I know.
	But he's like seven foot one.
	He's got a huge piece.
	A fat ass.
	It's crazy.
	He's one leg, dude.
	It's a fucking penis with a knee on it.
	Wow, he's got a bendy dick.
	Yeah, dude.
	He's got ligaments.
	Oh, dude, yeah.
	He can stand on his dick.
	It's pretty crazy.
	It's a kickstand, a dickstand.
	You know what's amazing about Brendan Mann because he and I do the King in the Sing podcast.
	It's like he's like, to go from football, right, to fighting, which you would never even imagine if you talked to him that he was a UFC fighter.
	I feel like I know.
	He's so sweet.
	Yeah.
	It's like he's kind of like that American dream in a weird way of like that if you work hard, you can make things happen.
	Like he never stops working.
	Right.
	You know, it's crazy.
	He works so hard, bro.
	It's crazy.
	Like he's he's up in the morning.
	He's on that bike.
	He's got his family.
	He's flying to Columbus this weekend.
	He's coming back.
	He's doing this podcast.
	He's doing that.
	And he keeps a good attitude every time the whole time.
	Positivity is very underrated.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	He's very positive.
	He looks good the whole time.
	He's always smiling.
	You never see him like, ah, fuck this shit.
	And you're right.
	He does work.
	And that vibe that he has, that's one of the things that I think a younger generation with comedy that they attract to more because they don't have this kind of left, like this.
	To them, it's all like about fun.
	Yes.
	Let's have fun.
	It doesn't matter who we are, what's going on.
	Let's have a good time.
	And that's what he has.
	Whereas some of the others were like, oh man, you know, somebody, you know, I have this doldrum inside of me, and that's what keeps me going.
	Not to mention, people watch the news all day.
	It's nothing but shootings and death and politics and Trump and all this shit Coming at you.
	See, when you see this fun-loving, happy, go-lucky guy, you're like, all right, it's like, ah, I feel a little better.
	Like, I can breathe a little.
	Because some guys you watch like Bill Burr, and it's just like, dude, I fucking kill you.
	Your mom's a cunt and your dad's gay and all.
	And you're like, all right, all right, all right.
	You're like, yeah, I did it.
	I did it.
	Yeah, exactly.
	Don't hurt me.
	You feel like he's going to give you a wedgie.
	And then you see Shab and you're like, all right, it's like a golden retriever.
	Oh, yeah.
	He's kind of like a Chewbacca.
	Ah, yes.
	That broke into like a Claire's boutique and will not leave, dude.
	No matter what, bro.
	He said we're open 24 hours a day now.
	Yeah.
	If a Chewbacca ran through an Armani exchange and shit stuck to him, yeah, he's a cool dude.
	I texted with him today.
	He's a good egg.
	He is a good egg.
	And then, like, I did his podcast once, and this is the complete contrast of New York.
	I pull in.
	It's a sunny day.
	He pulls in, Red Ferrari.
	I see one fucking giant shoe of an Air Jordan hit the concrete.
	I'm like, oh, who's this?
	Tom Cruise?
	You know, and it's fucking him.
	Like, you're a comic.
	What's going on?
	But it's a different era.
	Yeah, he's in that, I don't know.
	They just, I wish sometimes that I had like the clothing confidence of like.
	I know, they're so sexy.
	God, I'm just like, does this fit?
	This has never fit.
	That's the only thing I ever think when I put something on.
	Yeah, maybe, like, we went to public school.
	Yeah.
	Every time I'm in a dressing room at like a gap, I put something on, like a jean jacket, and I go, hey, this looks pretty good.
	And all I hear is eight friends going, what the fuck do you think you're doing?
	You think you pull that off, you fucking loser, you piece of shit, or you kill yourself?
	And I'm like, all right, there we go.
	That was a fun moment.
	And you put that shit right back on the hanger.
	Yeah, dude.
	It's brutal.
	Most of my stuff is going out into the, like, won't you go out to the other mirrors outside of your room?
	Yes, yes.
	And asking people if I'm a medium or a large, and then just fucking, I start sweating so bad.
	And then I go home.
	Yeah, in your own mirror, you're killing.
	You're like John Travolta.
	You know, you got your hair, the fucking blow dryer going, and then when you get outside, you're like, what am I doing?
	Yeah.
	This is wrong.
	This is never, this has never worked.
	But if you owned it, people would believe it.
	But it's you.
	It's in you.
	It's true.
	The thing that doesn't fit is in me, man.
	The medium, the large, that's all in there.
	The extra small, that's all going on inside of me, man.
	Whether it's a turtleneck or a fucking sheepskin vest, you know, it's all inside of me.
	And then that's why ladies will gravitate to some like ill-dressed, ill-fitting weirdo because they're like, he owns it.
	And you're like, oh, yeah, that's the key, isn't it?
	You just got to own.
	Yeah.
	That guy's a tire jack as a hat, but he owns it.
	He owns it, baby.
	That guy's got a yammock on.
	Gross.
	But he owns it.
	But he owns it.
	That hair wallet, that's what I used to call it.
	Do, what did you like...
	Did you like growing up in New Orleans?
	Because you had a wild...
	Because I grew up outside of there.
	A lot of times people, you know, will be like, oh, you and Mark Norman know each other.
	And I know Mark.
	And I know, like, you know, I remember different guys from there, Wild Bill.
	Oh, yeah, Bill Dykes.
	Yeah, Bill Dykes.
	Who else was there?
	Scotland Green was over there.
	Scotland.
	He's funny.
	Yeah, really neat guy.
	I know you've seen them in New York over the years.
	And then...
	Remember, it was Neil Stein.
	Oh, yeah, of course, Patton.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, Sean Patton.
	Fouché, Dane Fouché.
	Oh, Dane Fouché.
	Yeah, he was beard.
	He was funny, yeah.
	And he was so nice, too.
	Yeah, that was back when, like, if you were doing comedy back then, you loved comedy.
	Because now it's kind of hip and it's a fad and everybody's like, oh, for my New Year's resolution, I'll do stand-up.
	You're like, ah, get out of here.
	Yeah, chooch.
	You don't like it.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	But we had to do it.
	It was like in us, you know?
	And we weren't giving any money.
	But yeah, those guys all, I looked up to all you guys because you guys were a little older.
	You'd been on stage a few times and I didn't even know how to pull the mic out.
	Like, you forget, that's all.
	You have to learn all that shit.
	And I saw you were so cool and collected up there.
	Oh, it's so funny.
	I think I had like...
	Aren't we all under the weather?
	Yeah.
	Old dad.
	I remember all of them.
	Because I didn't know how to write a joke, so I would just study.
	And like, oh, that's what you do.
	Oh, that's pretty good.
	Okay.
	And then I would go up there and bomb.
	I don't think you bombed, do you?
	Boy, did I bomb for four years?
	I mean, yeah.
	I had a couple.
	Like, out of the way.
	No, you got some good stuff.
	It was obvious that you were into it, though.
	I was into it.
	I was hooked.
	Yeah.
	Because I had nothing going on.
	And I was jealous.
	I thought you were like this Jewish kid.
	And I was like, oh, man, look at this young Jew going to sneak up there to New York and make it happen.
	You know, through some kind of nepotism or just Jewish magic.
	Right.
	Right.
	Yeah, yeah.
	But you weren't.
	That Yiddish dust sprinkling.
	But no.
	You're probably quarter Yidd.
	You might have hidden Yidd.
	I got a little something in me.
	Crouching tiger Yiddin mark, I think.
	I got no foreskin.
	That's for sure.
	Oh, damn.
	Yeah, so that part of me is a little Jewy.
	But I wish.
	I'm a big fan of the Jews.
	I love a Semite.
	Yeah.
	Well, the funny thing is about a lot of Jewish people, it's like, oh, they act like they're so good at everything.
	And then they are.
	That's the funny thing sometimes.
	I think that's why people hate them.
	You got to realize, there's 6% of the country, and they're killing everything.
	They got the media, the banks, lawyers, doctors, accounting, all that shit.
	It's all Jews.
	Yeah.
	6%.
	But then also, there's a dark side of having a Jewish buddy, one spoon of bad yogurt, and you don't see him for, you know, 20 years ago.
	Oh, good point.
	Good point.
	Yeah, yeah.
	You give one of them an avocado, he's going to break out into reaction.
	It's true.
	They got the allergies real bad.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	You give him a fucking half of a mango and he breaks out into Christianity, you know?
	And then you just got some sand Christian wandering around.
	Not to mention ISIS.
	But yeah, but it's weird because Jerusalem, it's all these swarthy, tan, dark-haired, sexy beasts.
	And then you go to Brooklyn and some guy at a diner going, oh, if this says dairy in it, I'll kill myself.
	Or whatever.
	So it's a weird contradiction.
	Yeah, totally.
	Yeah, it's a different, the American Jew is different, I think, than the OJs.
	Yeah, exactly, exactly.
	OJs.
	The original Jews over there.
	Oh, oh, I see.
	Or people from Israel.
	Got it, got it, got it, got it.
	The home, the home team.
	But we didn't have, we didn't, when I was growing up, we didn't have any Jewish people around us.
	My mom dated a Jewish black guy for a little while named Zolly.
	A Sammy Dave.
	Yeah, Zolly Richburg.
	Zolly Richburg.
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	Took me to my first Saints game or gave me, he got us tickets to go to our first Saints game.
	There you go.
	But yeah, they didn't have a lot of that around.
	They didn't have a lot of that, at least not in Covington, they did.
	Yeah, well, I grew up in Tremay, and I went to De La Salle for high school.
	Oh, wow.
	the public schools are getting a little rough.
	So, my dad's like, You're going to private school.
	Was that men's de la Salle?
	No, it was co-ed.
	Thank God.
	I think this girl, Talia, that I used to date when I remember.
	Oh, dude, I was in love with her.
	That worked out.
	I was so impressed that you pulled that.
	Yeah, she was a beautiful girl, man.
	She looks beautiful.
	Still, what is she doing now?
	I'd love to get a look at her.
	I saw her a couple months ago or a couple of like a year ago.
	Pum dinger.
	Pum dinger.
	I mean, that was back when, like, there's no hot girls in New Orleans.
	I'm sorry.
	I grew up there.
	There's like six.
	It's like the Britain of Louisiana.
	Yeah, they got some rough gumbo mug.
	It's something's up down there.
	Well, it's just a lot of heat in the food, man, and it comes out through the skin.
	It comes out through the pores through the back.
	That's right, that's right.
	It's a lot of blotchy, sweaty, fat skanks down there.
	And, I mean, I love the people.
	I'm just saying, you're not going to find a Miss New Orleans.
	Right, you can't have a lady that's had 9,000 oysters and she's clocking in visually.
	Right, right.
	She looks like a crawdad at that point, you know?
	Yeah, heavy on the craw.
	She's a real boudin mug.
	There's like two and they all leave.
	You know, they go to fucking Houston or something.
	I don't know where.
	And she worked at that place, Lucy's.
	She did?
	Yeah, she worked there.
	That's how I met her.
	Wow.
	She was smoking, man.
	Like, she was a humdinger.
	Yeah, she was a humdinger, man.
	I wonder what she was doing.
	Yeah, she was a nice girl.
	She was really cool.
	We still communicate once in a while.
	She got engaged, I think.
	Oh, good for her.
	Good for her.
	She got engaged and cool family and stuff.
	What were we talking about?
	I remember, dude, I stayed at her house for a while, and I used to have this nervous condition.
	I would urinate in the sink, right?
	Ah.
	Like, on purpose.
	Like, you would put your dick in the sink and pee.
	It wouldn't go all the way in, but yeah, I would get up there.
	Okay, okay.
	Just trying to visualize.
	Yeah, no, no, no, it's fine.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, so I'd go in there, and when I was staying at her folks' house, that's how they busted me.
	Because the cats.
	Oh, no.
	And this is why I have issues with cats, man, because the cats would get over and they would start peeing in the sink and stuff to combat somebody else being in the neighborhood.
	Ah, a little territorial.
	Yeah.
	And so they're like, and they cornered me one time at breakfast, like, you peeing in the sink, dude?
	Well, how did they know?
	Because of the cats, man.
	Well, how did what?
	The cats aren't.
	Because I was the only rare, I was the rare, I was the unique element.
	Outsider.
	Yes.
	You're the variable.
	Yes.
	Interesting.
	Like, why would the cats be peeing in the sink?
	Because something's peeing in the sink.
	Wow, that's a pretty good detective.
	I would have just been like, these fucking cats are ruining my sink.
	Terrytown, shout out Terry Town detectives, bro.
	TT.
	Terrytown's a good place to get Nikes and murdered, I feel like, bro.
	Yeah, that was one gated community, but outside of it, it was hell.
	It was very ungated.
	Yes, yes.
	Wow.
	Yeah, I used to wet the bed.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I know.
	Dude, it's one of the ways I totally relate to you.
	I wet the bed forever.
	Is that right?
	Oh, man.
	Oh, shit.
	That'll give a guy some character.
	I'll tell you that.
	Because, you know, you got to deal with it.
	You're like seven at a friend's house.
	They're all snoozing.
	It's four in the morning.
	You go, all right, I got to figure out, I got to have a game plan here.
	A game plan makes you so sneaky.
	Yes, yes.
	And it makes you realize, like, hey, this shit ain't fair, but let's do something about it.
	You know, you can't just sit here and go, oh, what do I do?
	You know, you got to start.
	I learned how to use a washer dryer.
	I remember reading the instructions inside the dryer door, going, okay, all right, you know, and flipping sheets, flipping mattresses.
	One time I peed the bed at my friend's house, and I was just covered in piss.
	I slept in my clothes, covered in piss.
	I didn't have any extra clothes, so I had to go to summer camp with him the next day, covered in piss.
	Wet the whole day.
	And I finally dried around lunchtime.
	Yeah.
	But I just had to just not let anybody touch me.
	And I smelled like whiz.
	And you knew older people knew you smelled like whiz.
	That's the crazy thing.
	They knew.
	YMCA summer camp, like, you want me to play kickball, dude?
	I'm fucking.
	Yeah, I'm soaking wet.
	I'm like, I got a tie-dye here, but it's all whiz.
	But yeah, that was a rough time.
	Dude, that was the worst waking up at night at a friend's house because you were already so scared to stay at a friend's.
	You were so scared to go to sleep.
	Yes.
	Because the only thing I could think of every night, if I go to sleep, am I going to wet the bed?
	Exactly.
	And then how's it going to make me feel about myself?
	It's going to be bad.
	And then you wake up at a friend's and it's literally like the worst game show you've ever been on.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Because you have to figure out how to dry the sheets.
	Dude, I remember having a lamp one time in somebody's room and I snuck over with the sheet and I just set it over the lamp to dry where the heat was coming out of the top of the lamp and I would move it over just a little at a time in that space and I could smell the urine burning off.
	It's like fucking survivor.
	You got to like figure it out naked and afraid if you're wet and afraid.
	Yeah.
	And you don't want their mom to wake up, even though some of the people's moms probably would have been cool.
	Yeah, of course.
	You just didn't want your buddy really to know.
	That was the toughest part.
	I remember one time I went to bed.
	It was like a big sleepover.
	My friend had this big house.
	It was like eight of us.
	And I woke up and all eight friends were around me standing looking down at me with the mom.
	And I went, huh?
	I looked down.
	I'm covered in pee, and they're all staring at me.
	And one of my friends goes, why do you do that?
	And it just crushed me.
	You know, when you're like nine, you're like, I don't know.
	Stop looking at me.
	It was brutal.
	And the mom's like, get up, get up.
	Like, she was pissed.
	Like, you ruined my fucking Ceely.
	Yeah.
	So, yeah, that was tough.
	Why do you do that?
	Yeah.
	That's the worst.
	Tough, man.
	Tough.
	And then at home, did you have to clean your own bed?
	You have to clean the bed off and put your sheets on at night.
	Sure, I would flip that mattress, you know, constantly.
	You didn't have a covered mattress?
	No, because I had it, but it was too disheartening.
	Every time you sit down, it sounded like a bag of Fritos.
	So I was like, I got to just live with, I can't live with the crinkle.
	I'll just take the soaking wet mattress.
	I don't want to hear this.
	It's like wearing it.
	Some people say, why don't you wear a diaper?
	Because I'm fucking not retarded.
	All right.
	I'm not wearing a diaper.
	I'd rather be covered in shit than wear a diaper.
	I can't do it.
	Dude, that's what I say about bike helmets.
	Like, I would rather my father die getting hit by a car on a bicycle.
	Yeah.
	Than see my father ever come in the door wearing a bike helmet.
	Oh, that helmet's a bad look.
	Just sitting up there, the plastic yarmulke.
	Never looks the same, bro.
	No, no.
	Brutal.
	My dad, one time, my dad lost his job.
	And we were like, oh, shit.
	You know, it's kind of like scared.
	What's dad going to do?
	How are we going to pay the bills?
	I was young.
	And he came in one day with a gumball machine over his shoulder.
	And we're like, what are you doing, dad?
	He's like, hey, you know, got to make ends meet.
	And I was like, oh, my dad's a gumball guy.
	He's the guy like setting up gumballs in a right-hand and then taking the quarters out.
	Like, he was struggling.
	And I was like, ooh, this is like your role model.
	You know, you know, this guy, he's wearing a suit every day and driving a nice car.
	And then one day he's carrying a fucking gumball machine.
	Damn.
	With stickers in it and shit.
	Was it embarrassing?
	Like, did you have embarrassment like bringing people over to your place and stuff like that?
	Oh, yeah.
	My parents are real weirdos.
	Like my dad was bottomless a lot.
	The old Daffy duck.
	Oh, wow.
	It's a unique vibe, huh?
	Yeah, well, he didn't know like my friends would be home, and so he'd have a t-shirt on with no bottoms.
	And he'd be like, oh, excuse me there, Larry.
	And I was like, ah, geez.
	And then my dad and my mom ate weird food.
	So like, we never had soda, you know, we never had like lunchables or gushers or any of that fun shit.
	It was always like, what is it?
	De-high?
	Evaporated milk was over there a lot.
	We had like, we didn't have ranch dressing, but we had vinaigrette, like in that weird French bottle, and it was all stained and gross.
	And yeah, yeah, yeah.
	My mom was a weird chef foodie toi thing, and it was, it was brutal.
	Damn.
	You know, some people had like dominoes.
	You know, we didn't have any of that shit.
	They're like, that's bad for you.
	Which I get now, but at the time, you're like, can't we order some Pizza Hut, you idiots?
	You know what's also bad for is having nothing.
	Yes, yes.
	You get like half a radish in there.
	And you're like, come on, I'm not eating a radish.
	I'm eight.
	You need to be healthy.
	I'm like, I'll be anything.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I know, I know.
	You know, some people had like Doritos.
	Do you have Doritos?
	We didn't have no.
	We didn't have any of that.
	Pop-Tart, all that shit was like gold to me.
	My mom was definitely the same way.
	She was very health conscious.
	Yeah.
	But also like, but also, yeah, she wouldn't get us like the regular stuff that all the other kids had.
	And also, I think some of it was kind of pricey, you know?
	So some of that came into play.
	But yeah, man, I remember it was always embarrassing.
	Not only did everything else felt embarrassing, but the stuff we had to eat embarrassing.
	Same, same.
	And kids are so cruel.
	Like, why don't you have soda?
	Like, oh, I don't know.
	I'm not coming over.
	You guys don't have any cookies?
	You guys don't have any snacks?
	You don't have anything.
	Oh, how about school lunch?
	I would have a grocery bag.
	Like, somebody wanted a lunch box.
	I had a grocery bag with all kinds of weird shit in it and a jar of chocolate milk, like a glass jar.
	Where's he going to school at the Greyhound Station?
	Yeah, so this is the worst.
	It was bulk bus.
	But my mom would be like, bring that jar back.
	So I was like, all right, so after lunch, I'm the guy with a jar.
	People are like, what are you doing with the jar?
	I'm like, I got to get it home.
	They thought I had a kidney in there or some shit.
	It was brutal.
	I looked like I had moonshine on me.
	Brutal, Nick.
	But so right here, even just hearing this, it creates a world inside of you.
	It's like, so suddenly there's so many more little elements to the world.
	It's like, not only am I going to school today, but I have this weird lunch.
	I have to hide it.
	I have to make everything look cool.
	So suddenly you're creating like all these levels to the world.
	Yes, and you're getting creative.
	Yeah, and you're getting creative.
	You're talking fast.
	Why do you have a jar?
	Then you're coming up with shit.
	You make a joke out of it.
	You spin the bottle or something.
	You grab a guy's ass.
	Just something to get it off of you.
	Yeah, you're hiding.
	You're sneaking around.
	Yeah, something to get it off of you.
	Yes, yes.
	And then you develop this weird thing where you think everybody's paying attention to what you're doing.
	Yes.
	So you have to always be performing because even when nobody's looking at you, you think everybody is.
	So you always are like trying to seem okay, trying to seem like this.
	So then right there, even inadvertently, you get used to being a performer.
	Right.
	Like without even your own, like, so then it makes sense that when there's an opportunity to perform somewhere that it's inside of you.
	Oh, I could do this maybe.
	Because I've been oddly doing this forever.
	That's a great realization, right?
	I thought about that before.
	I heard a great quote about comedy.
	The reason people do stand-up is so you can control why people laugh at you.
	And I remember I heard that and it hit me because it's so true.
	You don't want them to laugh at you for wet in the bed, but you want them to laugh at you for what you pick.
	Right.
	You know, and I think that's a big part of stand-up.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I want to be able to, I have to, I need to have some way of controlling what you think about me.
	Yes.
	So many other things in my life made me feel like I have no control over why these people are looking at me this way or what's going on.
	Right, right, yeah.
	Like all that mom, like the weird shit your parents would do and stuff, I had no control over.
	I had to live in this sentence.
	Exactly.
	That was so fucking bizarre.
	Totally.
	I mean, I had a transgender nanny.
	I mean, we had all kinds of weird shit in my house.
	My teacher thought I was retarded when I was in third grade.
	True story.
	I remember she gave.
	That's awesome.
	My mom had to come in and be like, I swear to God, he's not.
	And she was like, why do you think he's retarded?
	And she goes, look at this paper.
	And it was, you know, we were little.
	So it was a page of instruments like drawn, like a flute, a guitar, a piano, whatever.
	And the instructions were circle the instruments.
	And I circled them all and I circled a saw, like a hand saw.
	And she's like, look, he's got to be an idiot.
	He circled a saw.
	But I saw a Marx Brothers movie when I was like seven where he played a saw.
	And so I circled a saw because in my mind, I'm like, yeah, it's music.
	So when I told my mom that, she was like, oh, thank God.
	I was about to, you know, ship you off to Indonesia and have you killed.
	Yeah, we thought you were an idiot.
	So that was, so, you know, it was thinking outside the box was risky back then.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I remember I've told this story before, but I had the first kid I ever met that had a stutter.
	I thought it was the best thing I'd ever heard.
	I was like, oh my God.
	Oh, yeah.
	Who's this magic man?
	Right.
	It's free entertainment.
	Yeah.
	Who's this freaking early Tiesto?
	You know what I'm saying?
	Ah, this Oakenfold over there.
	Who is this guy?
	Yeah.
	And so I started having a stutter because I thought it was so cool.
	Isn't that interesting?
	And then I got in trouble for it at school.
	Oh, because you were mocking him.
	They thought I was mocking him.
	I'm like, I'm not mocking him.
	Like, you don't understand.
	I think this is the neatest thing ever.
	And I love the kid.
	It was a nice kid named Doug.
	And so that, like, yeah, when they said, oh, you can't do that.
	Right.
	I was like, you just don't see that there's other ways to do things.
	Exactly, exactly.
	And I get where they're coming from because they don't hurt the kid, but they didn't see your point of view.
	And you had no maliciousness.
	Right.
	I didn't have any maliciousness.
	Right.
	But it's, yeah, I don't know, man.
	But growing up in Louisiana was.
	It was tough, man.
	Especially in my neighborhood.
	I don't know.
	You seem kind of It was kind of suburbany.
	It was just kind of poor, black and white, but yeah, kind of suburbany.
	Just kind of like not redneck.
	Yeah.
	Just kind of.
	And I'm not judging the people.
	It was just a low, poor environment.
	Sure, sure.
	But in Tremey, I can't even imagine growing up over there.
	It was scary.
	It was pretty scary.
	Like, I'm all fidgety because of that shit.
	And my house was robbed constantly.
	He had a duplex?
	No, he had a mansion.
	Oh, wow.
	Yeah, my dad bought a mansion that was dilapidated on Esplanade Avenue.
	Right by the French Quarter.
	Well, I think if we really want to get into it, my dad had a real bad childhood, and he's like, he always wanted to make something of himself, but he never really did.
	So then he saw this mansion for cheap, cheap, cheap, because the neighborhood sucked.
	It didn't have plumbing.
	It was falling apart.
	There's holes in the walls, broken windows.
	But it was a mansion.
	But it was a mansion.
	And we also had this BMW when I was a kid.
	It had holes in the seats, and it was rusted out, but it was a BMW.
	N-word rich, some people call it.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah.
	So, yeah, it was a horrible way to live because everybody thought we were rich.
	We were the white family in the mansion.
	And we moved in.
	They're like, oh, these people got to have money.
	So we got robbed constantly.
	So my dad installed this alarm system and it would go like go crazy at like two in the morning.
	And I was like eight going, well, weird.
	There's somebody in my living room right now.
	Like somebody below me is rifling through our shit and stealing our TV or whatever.
	And you're like, he could come up and rape me and have his way with me and blow me and all this.
	And you're putting on nice negligence.
	I'm putting on makeup and perfume and doing my nails and all that shit.
	So it was a skittish way to grow up.
	Like we'd come home a lot and the door was just open.
	You're like, fuck, we got robbed again.
	And it's very violating and just, you never felt comfortable, never.
	Because you're like, we get robbed right now, you know?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I can't imagine that level of it, you know?
	Yeah.
	Like, I think, yeah, I was like scared a lot, but that's, I don't know if we ever had that, yeah, coming home and being robbed and like just knowing somebody could be in your place.
	I always was scared that somebody was in our place while I was going to bed at night.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And I'd have to look everywhere.
	I'd have to open the closets and I would hook these like cables from one door to the next so like they couldn't open one door because it would the other door would stop it.
	Like just all this crazy level of checks and balances to just feel like, okay, I'm good.
	Yeah.
	Well, here's a bad one.
	We got robbed a bunch, so we kept calling the cops and eventually they were like, all right, you guys keep calling us.
	We're just going to stake out in your kitchen overnight and maybe we'll catch a guy.
	What?
	So these two cops, plain clothes detectives, came and we met them and it was all exciting.
	They had the belt gun and the badge on the belt thing, you know, the whole thing.
	And I was like, oh my God, I couldn't sleep then.
	I was so excited.
	Like, I hope they catch the guy.
	I hope they beat the shit out of him and tase him and all this shit.
	And I'm just laying in bed, so excited.
	I finally fall asleep.
	I wake up at like six in the morning.
	I run downstairs imagining that they're going to have guys in a headlock and cuffed and putting them in the car.
	Yeah.
	And I run downstairs.
	They stayed in the kitchen the whole night.
	They ate everything.
	They ate all the food.
	So we got robbed again.
	They ate all the fucking Cheerios and the made pancakes because they got bored and they just ate everything.
	Everything was gone.
	Fucking cops, bro.
	I know.
	They took the radishes and the chicken bones and all that shit.
	All the evaporation.
	They're underfunded, dude.
	They're underfunded.
	I guess.
	I guess.
	I didn't know that was part of the deal.
	Brutal.
	Brutal.
	Yeah, New Orleans was tough, man.
	It was a tough time.
	The scariest part was like the face-to-face crime.
	Like, my bike got stolen many a time.
	Yeah.
	And, you know, these are big, you know, black kids.
	Yes, yes.
	You know, they hit puberty like four.
	And, you know, they got some mustache going and all this.
	And they had a curly kid named Puberty Wilson that we had in our neighborhood.
	And this dude, I mean, was jacked.
	Oh, yeah.
	He was born with a prison tattoo on him.
	Right, right, exactly.
	Those weren't teardrops.
	That was a tattoo.
	It was a different environment.
	Yeah, the racial environment down there was just, it was just, black people had nothing.
	Right, right.
	I mean, nothing.
	And it was hard to realize that at the time.
	Yeah.
	Like now as I get older, you see, like, oh, okay.
	These people had, they didn't have, you know, like there wasn't any black doctors or they had nothing.
	Not in that area, that's for sure.
	Right.
	So you didn't have, of course they wouldn't have any role model.
	Like it's going to be very, you know, like the chain of like of poverty, like the level of poverty you get into, not just fiscally, but then beyond that, where you get into like emotional, just having nothing.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	Like I would get my bike stolen.
	I'd run home crying and I'd go, mom, they stole my bike.
	She would go, dad, they need it.
	They need it.
	And I was like, what are you crazy?
	But now I kind of get it.
	Right.
	But I will say, as a white kid growing up, like the only white kid, in that neighborhood, you're the minority.
	Right.
	You go outside the neighborhood, you're back as a white priv.
	Right.
	You know, but in that neighborhood, and it feels bad.
	Being the minority sucks.
	It sucks.
	Like, they can just go, hey, white boy, and you're like, ah, fuck.
	Which is not even a negative thing.
	It's just, I'm a boy who's white, but it still hurt because I was different.
	Because you were different.
	Yeah.
	So I kind of, I don't want to say I relate to a lot of shit, but, you know, I get it.
	It's relatable.
	Well, you've had that experience where, because that's the end thing.
	Right.
	It's just the, I'm different.
	There's, there's an easy way to make me feel different.
	Yeah.
	You know, I'm not what, yeah, and then all the rest of it piles on.
	Exactly.
	There's more women on earth than men, but if one girl is at a party with 50 dudes, she's going to feel weird.
	Yeah.
	You know, so the minority is, is, it's fluid.
	You know, we just talk about minorities and majority and all that, but it changes depending on your environment.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, it changes, man.
	And I think, yeah, I feel like there's a lot.
	I feel like when I was growing up, there was probably a good bit of, and racism kind of felt both ways.
	If you weren't a racist person, if you didn't really like, you know, there were some people who probably hated black people.
	Yeah.
	You know, like real adamant about it.
	Yeah, like, you know, adapted to like old, like kind of, you know, I don't want to say redneck type of stuff because there's redneck people that aren't that way at all.
	That's true.
	But there was a lot of people who didn't.
	And then if you interacted with black kids and they were mean, it gave you this, you're like, shit, well, what do I do?
	Like, I don't, right, right.
	I don't want to have any ill will, but there's also these kids are mean to me.
	Yes, yes.
	And they probably didn't have anything else to do.
	Like, if you think everywhere you go, it's like everybody has something but you.
	Right, exactly.
	I can't imagine what that, you know.
	I was hanging out with these two guys, Marnette and Tony.
	They were like my two black friends, and we were at the Black Mall because I slept at their house, and we went to their mall and the whole thing.
	And we're playing at the arcade in the mall, and one of my friends was doing well at Street Fighter, and I was like, yeah, get him, Tony.
	Come on out.
	And these two bigger black guys behind me, like Puberty Wilson and Testosterone Jones, were like, get him, Tony, get him.
	Like doing the white voice.
	And oh, it crushed me.
	I had to go in the bathroom and be like, all right, take it easy.
	That hurt.
	You know, just go back out there.
	Go back out there.
	Yeah, my two friends were like, don't worry about those guys.
	They're idiots.
	They're mean.
	I was like, yeah, yeah, but because you're already the outsider.
	And then you're doing the white voice and they called me on it.
	Oh, it was fucking humiliating.
	I turned beat red.
	It was brutal.
	Yeah, it's hard being white, folks.
	It ain't easy.
	It's hard being so aware.
	Yes, yes, exactly.
	sometimes that I hate the most about, and I attribute a lot of it to, you know, I think that's kind of what my alcoholism is sometimes, is just this heightened level of awareness and sensitivity.
	Not just sensitive, but hypersensitive.
	Yeah, and you want to shut it down.
	Yeah, and I just want to stop.
	I just want anything to like, please just something make it so I just don't care anymore.
	Yes.
	Or don't care as much.
	Yeah, because you have to, because you care at this intense level of every constantly that it's exhausted you.
	Yes, yes.
	And then you have the couple drinks.
	You're like, ah, I can fucking enjoy myself for 10 minutes.
	Yeah.
	I'm with you.
	Like for so long, I heard recently someone said, life's not happening to you.
	It's just, life is just happening.
	Ooh.
	And I'd always, I'd never realized this wind of the world that I'd always felt like was pushing against me.
	Life was happening to me.
	Yeah.
	Everything's, but life's just happening.
	I'm just here.
	And so then every now and then that helps me feel a little different.
	Yeah, I like that.
	Got a question that came in here.
	Oh, yeah.
	Excuse me.
	Hey, Mark.
	Hey, Theo.
	Mark, it was really good to see you come through Springfield, Missouri right before Christmas when you played the Blue Room.
	Hey, hey.
	It was a great show.
	My wife and I had a blast.
	Thank you.
	Hopefully the people of Springfield were good to you.
	Good absolutely.
	My question is to both of you.
	I know you guys both live on the coast and big cities.
	I was wondering if you've ever considered moving away from LA and New York to maybe set up roots in the Midwest or the South to get away from that big city lifestyle.
	Gang, gang.
	Gang, bro.
	Good question.
	This is a good question.
	What do you think?
	I fantasize.
	You bought a place.
	I know, like, you made money.
	I mean, you started making money.
	I was jealous even when you got to open up Frami Schumer because you were making some money.
	Well, that was a sweet, sweet ride.
	I mean, the Jets and she was just hit that arena level.
	So I was making good money and getting treated well.
	And things, I was pure luck.
	And what were we having?
	Ice cream at night and everything?
	Oh, dude.
	And she's a big pot friend.
	So it was just like so much hotel room service.
	And we had movies and big screen and the weed and the edibles and the anal and the fucking booze.
	It was great.
	Great time.
	She gets a bad rap, but she's a giver.
	Good egg, you know, good hang.
	You know her.
	Yeah.
	You know, but I know people have a problem with her, but they don't know her.
	I know her.
	She's cool.
	Oh, well, I mean, I think, yeah, she lost.
	For me, I thought that, and I would talk about Amy, you know, I talked to her on the phone maybe a couple weeks ago, but I felt like she was starting to maybe want to even get more into politics, actually.
	I had this vision.
	I have no truth about this, but this is a perception that I had.
	Right, right.
	And whenever Hillary didn't win the election, I think she was going to not use that vibe, but she was in that movement.
	She was part of that, and she wanted probably to try and get into politics then, maybe.
	I don't know.
	Yeah, politics is, I never touch it because it just splits the room, and it's a bad idea.
	And we're comics.
	You look at Twitter now.
	All the comics are just going like, we need to change this, and this is, I'm an activist now, and this is that.
	And you're like, what happened to funny?
	Yeah.
	I mean, we are comics.
	You can have your opinion, but like, let's make with the yuck-em-ups, chuckles.
	You know what I mean?
	Responsibility.
	Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
	I'm just getting here sometimes.
	I get so worried about my own fucking doldrums that sometimes I forget, though.
	But I have to remind myself sometimes, dude, you can't fucking go in here every day.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Puberty Wilson's coming out of you.
	It's all in you.
	You can't help it.
	But I felt like, yeah, but I've always thought that she's one of the funniest people off of stage.
	I mean, without even watching her comedy, without even taking that into context.
	Sure.
	I mean, quick, quick at the table.
	Like, she's running circles around.
	You're like, damn, I got to step it up.
	Yeah.
	And especially you were like, shoot, I thought that I was quick or something inside of me could do this.
	But when you meet her, it's like pre-fontaine.
	It's just like, wow, she's on some level that's a little beyond.
	And cutting, too.
	Like, she could say that thing where you're like, ooh, I didn't know you knew that.
	Shit, you got me there.
	Damn.
	You know, fun stuff.
	Yeah, like, yeah, just, I mean, I always say that she's her, Donnell Rolling, two of the funniest people that I've seen.
	Oh, really?
	Donnell?
	Interesting.
	He just makes me laugh.
	I mean, he's a killer act.
	I've never really hung out with him.
	He's just so funny.
	Yeah, yeah.
	But, yeah, man, I was like, man, this guy's living it up, dude.
	This guy's having ice cream at night.
	This dude's doing it.
	Yeah, I was doing it.
	And plus, I was single then, and like Tinder was kind of newish.
	And so I had an arena of labias just like, and they can't bang her.
	So I was getting the, you know, placenta runoff.
	Oh.
	And I was hitting clits like a speed bag.
	It was exciting.
	Yeah, those are wild times.
	Yeah.
	And, you know, we're in the four seasons and shit.
	Yeah, dude.
	I think I caught up with you.
	Yeah, I remember a couple of places I caught up with you guys at, I think.
	We did Mahalia Jackson, New Orleans, and we went to What's Her Face's house after?
	Jennifer Coolidge's house.
	And you were newly sober.
	And I remember being like, come on, Theo, it's New Year's, baby.
	And you're like, I can't, Fatty.
	I'm sorry.
	And I was like, damn, I lost Theo.
	But it was for the best.
	I get it.
	Yeah, it was for something, man.
	Oh, yeah.
	It was good.
	See, that's the dangerous thing is the problem with booze and Xanax and Coke and all that is it feels right.
	So you don't want to quit, but the best thing to do is quit because you need it so bad that you got to not learn how to not need it.
	You know, you got to, it feels so good.
	So you're like, oh, I'm drinking is what I should be doing right now.
	But that's exactly why you shouldn't be drinking.
	You got to learn how to overcome it without it.
	Right.
	It's definitely a trick.
	Yes, it's a trick.
	It's a trick, man.
	My therapist, I'm always like, just give me some Xanax.
	Give me a fucking Valium or whatever, a prescription.
	He's like, let's beat it.
	Let's just try to beat the anxiety instead of just trying to medicate it away.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Oh, sometimes I wish I had me a Xanax.
	Oh, yeah.
	You know, I remember one first time a guy gave me a Soma, this homosexual.
	I love a Soma.
	Gave me a Soma, man.
	This guy, Billy Conforto, and R.I.P.
	passed away.
	He was from Laplace.
	Oh, I know the type.
	And he was homosexual, but also prize fighter.
	What?
	Yeah.
	He could have been your babysitter, dude.
	Who knows?
	Black guy?
	No, white enough.
	Okay.
	White enough.
	All right, all right.
	A white prize fighter is always fun.
	That's one for the home team.
	But he gave me a Soma, dude, and a half hour later I just turned in my car.
	I was on a highway and just took a straight-up fucking right turn off of it.
	We're lucky we're alive sometimes.
	Louisiana living was heavy.
	It is heavy.
	There's a lot of ways to not because there's boats.
	People are like, oh, yeah.
	That's right.
	We're all fucked up.
	Let's get in this boat.
	Yeah, that's right.
	Surrounded by water and gators and death.
	Ghosts.
	Yeah, ghosts.
	Yeah.
	Voodoo out there.
	It's no joke.
	We had a kid, this boy Andy, and he ghosts were chasing him or something.
	He was dealing with him, and he ended up taking his own life.
	There you go.
	There you go.
	I had a bunch of friends die of heroin, a bunch of friends die of methadone growing up, a bunch of drunk driving.
	Some of the best heroin recipes you've ever had in your life.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	Wow.
	He put some hot sausage in that heroin.
	It's heavy.
	Dude, put a little fucking Tony Shash in that needle, baby.
	You feel me?
	The Lol Bay.
	Yeah, dude.
	Damn, dude.
	You can't get that leaf in there now.
	The basil leaf?
	Yeah, the bay leaf.
	The bay leaf, yeah.
	Wow, yeah.
	I just went down back home to see my folks, and boy, I really ate it up.
	Did you?
	Oh, yeah.
	Are they pretty, really proud of you now?
	They must really have a lot of pride.
	You know what's weird is they don't really say much, but then I talk to, like, I'll meet one of their friends.
	They're like, your mom never shuts up about you.
	I'm like, really?
	I wish you'd tell me.
	Wow.
	You know, but I'll take it.
	I'll take it.
	Yeah.
	But I think we're just a cold people, the Normans.
	Yeah.
	I try to break through.
	I'm a touchy-feely douche, but it's very, they're military.
	They're like, you know, stiff upper lip kind of.
	Wow.
	Yeah, my dad, this idea of a hug.
	They'll just give you a tap on the shoulder.
	And you're like, oh, shit.
	Thank, dad.
	Wow.
	What is it?
	My birthday?
	But it's not a lot of connecting.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, that connection, man.
	That's wild.
	Yeah, I'm learning that.
	That's all new.
	I'm 36, so I'm going to die soon.
	So I'm trying to do it myself and push it on them.
	And are you having sex and stuff now, or what are you doing?
	I got a hot lady.
	Oh, you do?
	Oh, yeah.
	I got a hot lady at the house in New York.
	And yeah, she's like a normal person.
	I mean, she's got, everybody's got problems, but she's like, she met my parents and she's like, whoo, that was tough.
	Like, you meet my parents, you feel like you're bombing.
	You know, they're tough.
	Like, you'll just say a whole thing and they'll go.
	Like, they won't respond.
	Yeah.
	I talked to Dr. Drew about it.
	He said, my mom has Stillface, which is this thing that moms have that makes babies cry and shit because they're not giving you any reaction.
	Which is why I do stand up.
	I need a reaction.
	Yeah.
	I need something.
	Yeah.
	Something.
	I just need some, some, I need to know that things are okay.
	Yes, yes.
	And with them, you have no idea where you're at.
	Are you mad?
	Am I mad?
	What's going on?
	Do you hate me?
	Am I adopted?
	Where are we?
	Yeah.
	So, uh.
	Wow, that's interesting, man.
	As a kid chill.
	Because that's some of the stuff that leads us to just to our behavior and what we do, you know?
	Yeah.
	There's the beautiful lady right there.
	Yeah, she is.
	Yes.
	What's her name?
	Diamond?
	Where'd you get that?
	I was guest made it up.
	She's Diamond LaRue.
	She's a real Diamond, though.
	Yeah, and Diamond in the Rough.
	Oh, that's awesome, man.
	Good egg Cape Cod lady.
	She's from the New Englanders.
	You're well off, huh?
	Is she well off?
	Not really, you'd think.
	Right.
	More cod than Cape, huh?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	A lot of cod.
	Oh, I hate to interrupt you guys.
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	And now back to the episode.
	Let's get another question that came in, man.
	All right.
	Wait, let me get this before we do it.
	What do you think, how do you think it plays out with Ari, with everything that's happened?
	Because last night it said on that article that people, they didn't have the show because they were afraid people called into the comedy club.
	I heard they had to shut the show down.
	And a lot of those calls, dude, look, I've made calls like that.
	That's nothing.
	Nobody's really going to show up.
	Yeah, I actually called the club.
	Yeah, we don't live in a show-up world anymore.
	We definitely live in a phone call world.
	This is all going to go, I mean, it's a hot thing for this week, and by Monday, we won't even think about it.
	Agreed.
	Yeah.
	Agreed.
	So what do you think?
	How do you think he comes through it?
	I know he put up a really nice message.
	I mean, his message was, it was real true to who he was, even at the end where he says, fuck the Lakers.
	Did you read this?
	Yeah, I did.
	I liked it.
	I mean, obviously his publicist or manager made him do it because I know Ari and he's not this guy.
	But he's kind of made it his own and all that.
	Like when Shane Gillis had to put one of these out, we all made fun of him because it was so publicist-y.
	It didn't have him in it at all.
	And he told us what he wanted to say, and it was way funnier.
	But yeah, you got to do this shit, I guess.
	We're trying to have careers, but I think it'll ultimately help him.
	It just cements his brand.
	You are that villain.
	You are that rabble-rouser.
	Yeah.
	And it's okay to have that.
	That's the thing.
	like I just wonder I'm trying to think of a person that I could compare him to in the past it's not like an Alfred Hitchcock know.
	You know, someone who's just He's almost like a Bart Simpson.
	He's agitating.
	He's poking you and shit.
	And you're like, all right, all right.
	But that's just who he is.
	That's his shtick.
	Yeah.
	You know, and it works for him.
	He sells out.
	And I hang out with Ari.
	We walk down the street and be like, Ari!
	People like him.
	Oh, people love him.
	He's been on here and people really, really enjoyed it.
	I mean, that's the thing.
	He's, yeah, it's just who he is.
	It just kind of fell.
	It just was a really, it's just like almost like the Andrea Gale of bad moments happening at once, you know?
	Well, we got weird priorities.
	Like Chris Brown beat the shit out of a lady and he's got a documentary out and people think he's hot and sexy and then Ari made a joke and he's evil.
	Like I think Chris Brown is worse than Ari, but Chris Brown's doing the moonwalk somewhere.
	Right.
	You know, so we got weird, we're all whacked out.
	Well, TM, also, I mean, some of this, I think TMZ uses a lot.
	I mean, it's definitely turned into more of like a world star hip-hop kind of.
	Yes, completely.
	It's gotten a lot more of like...
	Yeah, and more, you know, urban black or African-American, whatever people want to say.
	I think so.
	Oh, really?
	I think a lot of their stuff is these days.
	And some of that, I'm like, are these, is TMZ just like using the black, like, is it creating this other, this cycle of like behavior sometimes or contributing to a cycle of behavior or influencing a cycle of behavior?
	You know, it's like, not like, I don't buy a lot of cultural appropriation shit, but I do sometimes.
	Like, I got, sometimes that show catfish, I just feel like it takes advantage of black people that don't know how to use the internet.
	Oh, interesting.
	I never thought about that.
	Or like kind of monopolize.
	You know, I don't know what the wording is, but like.
	Well, I just feel like TV and showbiz, they just go where the money's at.
	They go where the bread is buttered.
	So if that's the way it goes, like McDonald's, for some reason, went straight black people in the commercial.
	You know, it used to be like, McDonald's, get a McFish.
	And it was like some fat white guy.
	Yeah, there's a white manager.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Now it's like, hey, puberty, get in here, you know, like McRib back or not.
	That hot apple pie is ready for you there, Quincy.
	But yeah, I feel like you just kind of go, oh, that's who's buying the fucking McDoubles.
	Let's do that.
	So I don't know.
	I don't know about the taking advantage of maybe.
	I never thought of it.
	Maybe that's just some weird thing that it's probably some weird hangup that I have.
	It might not even be true.
	But you're right there.
	Sometimes I think that Hollywood leads us in a direction.
	But the more I learn, Hollywood just follows where the money is.
	Yes.
	They're clueless.
	They don't know what.
	I mean, think about all the funny comedians you know who aren't doing that great.
	Yeah.
	Because we got to have this hot guy du jour or whatever the fuck.
	You know, this guy's.
	And they're selling tickets, so they don't care.
	They pretend to like Pryor and Carlin, but they don't give a shit.
	Right.
	They just, you know, just worried about who's making money.
	And that's their job.
	They're wearing suits.
	They're finance guys who say, hey, I like Ellie Wong.
	They just know the right thing.
	I love Carmichael.
	He's the coolest.
	And they don't know.
	Yeah, they don't know.
	Yeah, it's because sometimes I give them this bigger power.
	Same, same.
	I look at them as, please accept me.
	Please give me a show.
	I love you.
	You're my dad.
	Which is crazy because that's kind of one of the side effects of coming out of the type of childhood you come out of and stuff to be a comedian is that then whenever you get to a place and somebody's offering you something, you're so, please accept me.
	Yes.
	And that like kind of goes over into the business sense sometimes.
	Completely.
	It can really cost you, yeah, this can cost you ownership of things and, you know, it can really kind of have you selling out before you even know what's going on.
	You just want so badly to be accepted.
	Because think about it.
	Look at all at first, it's like you do a couple open mics.
	Some guy goes, do my show.
	Oh, God, he accepts me.
	Then you get Montreal.
	I got Montreal.
	It's not even about Montreal.
	You just want to be, you want to be invited to the party, but you don't actually want to go.
	You just want the invite.
	Yeah.
	You know, and that's the whole show bit.
	I got a special.
	Me out of everybody.
	I got one.
	You know, just me, me, me.
	I feel better.
	I'm accepted.
	I'm in the club.
	Yeah, I'm okay.
	I'm okay.
	But the real okay is guys like Schultz who go, blow me, industry.
	I'm doing this on the gram.
	Yeah.
	And I'm, if you go into any, you know, pitch meeting and go, I got this guy, fashion, who does this right by the camera, they're going to go, now, how's that going to make any money?
	What's the hook?
	We need more diversity.
	What are you doing?
	He's going to be like, ah, fuck it.
	I'll do it on my own.
	And people love it.
	So that's the thing.
	They don't know, but we act like they know.
	They have no idea.
	We're the ones with talent.
	Right.
	They stink.
	Yeah, we forget that sometimes.
	Yeah, they got nothing.
	They just go where the heat is.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, it's interesting, man.
	I like hearing that, dude.
	Let's get a question that came in right here that Nick's got.
	Before we get to the question, I saw this was interesting.
	We've talked about Dog the Bounty Hunter a couple times on this show.
	He recently got engaged to one of best friends.
	Or he proposed.
	Yikes.
	I didn't see it.
	Can we play the video?
	Yeah.
	I heard about this.
	He just followed me the other day on Instagram.
	Oh, that's exciting.
	I'm so excited, actually.
	Everybody tweet Dog and tell him we want him on this past weekend.
	Yeah, tweet him and Instagram him.
	Send him messages.
	That would be huge.
	I would love to have him, man.
	Oh, yeah.
	Can really relate to him in a lot of ways.
	He feels like a genuine dude.
	I am a lot happier with her around.
	I have lots of enemies right now.
	Uh oh.
	Moon Angel, will you marry me?
	Oh, that's good TV.
	Oh, I know that guy works at the gas station by my house.
	I'm not even joking.
	That second guy saved an 11-year-old girl.
	Yeah.
	He looks like DJ Khaled, dude, but he's also go back a little more, Nick?
	Right there.
	Oh, yeah, he does.
	He looks like a bad shop.
	Yeah, he does, dude.
	Shop job.
	Yeah, dude.
	He looks like DJ needs a salad.
	That's who he looks like.
	I'm sorry.
	That's pretty mean, dude.
	He could be a nice guy.
	But it says in the article, they had been dating for weeks, and it was pissing off the daughters.
	But at the end, it says he never actually gave her the ring, and evidently there is no engagement, but it's still a little messy situation.
	There she is, and there in the wedding photo with Beth.
	You can see she's the number two.
	Number two.
	Best bride.
	Yes.
	Maybe it's just like a, he needs some help, you know.
	I got a mourning of my wife here, and this is the closest thing.
	And maybe it's just like a psychological move.
	He really loved that woman.
	I mean, he must really be in love to be working with someone, have grenade.
	I mean, they had grenades.
	They had everything.
	And just constantly working with somebody.
	I mean, that was his life partner right there.
	And working in like tense, like boot camp environment.
	You got people on a headlock And she's holding their legs and he's kicking.
	Like, that'll really bond to a couple of weirdos.
	Yeah.
	And he's sober, I think, too.
	I think he does a lot of recovery stuff.
	Oh, yeah.
	He does a lot of stuff like supporting the military.
	Yeah, he seems like a good egg.
	Yeah.
	Man, I could imagine, look, especially you're getting older.
	Sometimes you have a wife, you have a girlfriend, and there's somebody else that you care about.
	It's like that kind of stuff never, it may dissipate because obviously you have to focus on your marriage and stuff.
	Maybe he just cared about this lady for a long time and wanted to go.
	And yeah, I'm sure he needs somebody right now.
	And he probably doesn't know a lot of people.
	He's an odd dude.
	So I'm sure he's got like a community he kind of hangs with.
	So boom, I'll just go to the next lady.
	I'm not saying it's right.
	I'm just saying it happens.
	I mean, it makes perfect sense.
	Yes, yes.
	If she's friends with Beth, then she's probably got similar personality.
	He feels some comfort in her.
	Yeah.
	Well said.
	Man, I. Yeah.
	I don't know.
	It'd be nice to have him on.
	I can't imagine losing like your spouse.
	But then I think some guys they luckily lose their wife and they're like, oh, hell yeah.
	Oh, sure.
	Well, how did I luck out?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Well, there's also guys who go too far and they go, I'll just throw a little laugh.
	What do you call that stuff?
	Arsenic.
	Not arsenic.
	Oleander.
	Antifreeze.
	A little antifreeze in the oatmeal.
	To freeze Annie.
	Yeah.
	Annie will be ice cold in a minute.
	What else we got, Nick?
	Oh!
	Oh, here's me.
	That looks like you and Joe List fucked.
	Yeah.
	Looks like me and Mike Kaplan.
	Yeah.
	Hey, guys.
	This question's for Mark.
	Mark, I always see on Instagram you riding around on that moped of yours through the streets of New York.
	I was wondering if are you known as like the moped master?
	You have any good stories to share?
	Kengang.
	You gotta pull up a pic of that there, Nick.
	It's on my insta.
	Bring up that ped.
	You gotta see this hog of mine.
	It's a fucking beauty.
	Oh, no, she's nice.
	Oh, sorry.
	It just says girlfriend again.
	She's a pig.
	Hold on.
	There it is.
	Look at that thing.
	Come on.
	Ride through New York on that?
	Yeah.
	That thing's badass.
	It's 86 miles to the gallon.
	It's light.
	It's easy.
	It goes about 33 miles an hour top speed.
	I'm in the bike lane.
	I'm in the regular lane.
	I'm all over the road in that thing.
	I'm getting spot to spot.
	That's legal?
	Oh, yeah.
	I mean, I got it towed once, and I had to register it and all that, and I got to buy a helmet.
	Oh, yeah.
	But it's a real fun piece.
	Huh.
	That was a fun little journey when I got towed.
	You would listen?
	Yeah, in your story.
	Yeah, yeah.
	He documented going to get it and stuff.
	Dude, that's beautiful, man.
	It probably cost about half the bike cost, and it took me like a week and a half, but I got it out.
	And what are the cons of having that in New York City?
	A lot of cons.
	That's the thing.
	A, you got to lock it up, and people want to steal it.
	People want to, my neighbors hate it because it's on the sidewalk, and I got a cover on it, and they're like, it's so ugly.
	So they're giving me dirty looks.
	The winter, you can't ride it, so it's got to sit there and get snowed on and shit.
	It doesn't start all, sometimes it just doesn't start.
	So there's all kinds of problems with it.
	And it's a Ghorelli, huh?
	Oh, yeah.
	1986 Ghorelli.
	I have Italian guys taught me going, I had one of those when I was a kid.
	Oh, my wife's a gun.
	She can't cook and all this shit.
	And I'm like, hey, thank you, Dago.
	But I get a lot of that.
	So it's a rare bike.
	Apparently, I got it on Craigslist, and I just happened to find a fun one.
	God, man, yeah, it looks so amazing.
	Now, out here, do you think it would be better to have?
	Maybe, but this is so sprawling.
	I can't get on the 405 with that chooch.
	That would be terrifying.
	It'd be epic if you did as well.
	Yeah, I'd pull a Dean Del Rey and flip over a car hood.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That'd be beautiful.
	Have you been in some pretty bad accidents on that?
	Not one yet.
	Not one.
	So.
	Do you see, when you think about when you think about like doing like another special or something?
	I just shot one last night.
	You did?
	Yeah.
	We'll see.
	I mean, I just did on my own because nobody could buy it.
	Oh, awesome.
	So we'll see what happens.
	And do you think, so I guess you'll try and sell it and then if not, maybe you'll put the clips out?
	Exactly.
	Yeah.
	That's awesome.
	That's where we're at now.
	I've been doing the hour for a while now and it's getting embarrassing.
	You know, you go back to San Francisco, they're like, we saw this last year.
	Yeah.
	So I'm like, I got to drop it and write new shit, but nobody wants it.
	And I kept waiting for someone to buy it, but nobody would give me an offer.
	So I said, fuck, we'll shoot it.
	That's crazy.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Well, it's a weird times, you know?
	Yeah.
	Where'd you do it?
	Dynasty Typewriter.
	We sold out two shows.
	We said, fuck it.
	It's a theater.
	It'll look good.
	Sandler did his there.
	Oh, wow.
	Yeah.
	So that's a new club.
	That's downtown Los Angeles.
	Yeah, yeah, right.
	The name of the fans club.
	Yes.
	Into Hayworth is the name of the theater.
	And really cool, really sweet, cute little theater.
	And it went great.
	We got two shows out of it.
	And it's in the can right now.
	I got to edit it.
	Oh, here we go.
	Here's a guy right here.
	Hey, what's up, Theo?
	What's up, Mark?
	My name's Nick.
	I'm coming at you from Aurora, Illinois, the snowy Midwest here.
	It's really freezing right now.
	But I had a question for the both of you, actually.
	Theo, you talk a lot about on your show, and you have a lot of listeners call in about like anxiety and how to deal with it and stuff.
	And my question for both of you was, how do you guys deal with the anxieties that you may or may not have, but continue to still do your work and kill it?
	Mark, I've seen you perform here in Chicago, and you're amazing.
	I watch all your guys' YouTube videos, and I'm a huge fan.
	And so I'm just curious how you guys can keep it consistent and still continue to do so well in your field.
	I don't want to be a comedian myself, but how do I apply that to what I want to do and who I want to be?
	So that's my question.
	Hope you guys have a great day.
	Gang Gang.
	Gang, bro.
	What a sweet message, huh?
	Sexy hair.
	I wish I had those locks.
	I mean, he's doing fine if you ask me.
	Yeah.
	He looks like Thor.
	I'd bang Ziety if I had that, dude.
	Who am I going to bang?
	Yeah, he's got a reverse widow's, too.
	Look at that thing.
	It's going the other way.
	Oh, beautiful man.
	Great-looking eyeballs and a sexy Lorenzo Lam here.
	That guy, undeniably better looking than half of the women that I've dated.
	Yeah, yeah, no doubt about it.
	Those eyebrows, I want to sleep on them.
	Dude, I want a fucking night and Casablanca, huh?
	Oh, yeah.
	Oh.
	He's hot.
	My God, dude.
	Any more information about this guy now?
	I know.
	Yeah, send me his address.
	God, I want to condition this guy's hair with my fucking body sweat.
	I know.
	I want Superman on top of me.
	Dude, I want a fucking, man.
	I almost want to lay in his arms and say, Clark can't, you know.
	Help me, Daddy.
	Clark can.
	Okay, this has got nice.
	All right, sorry, sorry, sorry.
	It's a good question, man, about anxiety.
	Yeah, yeah, it's tough.
	But I go the other way because he's like, how do you do it with anxiety?
	I think you gotta, the more you do, the less anxiety you have.
	Yeah.
	So if you get over that hump of fear and doubt, then the anxiety kind of goes away.
	Like, I get scared to do stand-up, but that's why I do it.
	Right.
	And then you get up there and it goes away.
	So once you just do it, if you think about it, oh, how am I going to do it?
	How's it going to go?
	That's when the anxiety kicks in.
	Just do the fucking thing.
	Go do the open mic.
	Go ask the girl out.
	Go do whatever.
	Oh, it's so true.
	And then the interesting thing for me is even hearing you talk about that, that anxiety of not, when I don't do something and I just have the anxiety, then it turns into a little bit of shame for me.
	Yeah.
	Oh, dude, the guilt.
	Yeah.
	I totally have that.
	It turns into a shame or a guilt.
	But yeah, you're so right.
	It's like.
	Oh, geez.
	The guy's helping black kids in Africa.
	Oh, it's beautiful.
	Or South America.
	Jesus, who is this hunk?
	Yeah, you got nothing to be anxious about, man.
	Nick Manifesto.
	Nick.
	Oh, this guy.
	Menesiot Menesiotis.
	Nicholas Menesiotis.
	He looks Greek, huh?
	He might be Greek.
	Maybe, man, maybe.
	Yeah, he looks like a Nigel Montoya prepared to.
	You're living the life, man.
	Wow, dude, I think if you just show your Instagram to a woman, you have nothing to be anxious about.
	But it just goes to show you, man.
	This guy can look like a Greek god and...
	Demi, demigore.
	And inside, you're all fucked up.
	Yeah.
	So what is it called?
	But that's right, though.
	You're right, though.
	I think it's just that contrary action, you know, and that's something that they talk about in AA and 12-step stuff a lot.
	It's just like, yeah, thinking about things, laying in bed, when you wake up laying in bed, it's just the worst thing you can do because it's just this isolation.
	Isolation grows on itself.
	You think like, oh, I'm scared to be around people.
	And then you think that, then you're by yourself for a couple days.
	And then you are scared of being around people.
	Exactly, exactly.
	Whereas if you just go out and actually take some action, it's a contrary action.
	It's like, I don't want to go for a run.
	I'll go for a run right now.
	Exactly.
	Somebody invited me to the movie.
	I don't want to go.
	I'm going to go.
	Even though I don't want to.
	Yes, yes.
	And then that uncomfort starts to go away.
	Dissipate.
	And usually you go, oh, this movie's great.
	I'm so glad I came.
	This wasn't so bad.
	But if you don't go, you're going to really hate yourself.
	Yep.
	And then it gets easier over time.
	You don't have as much of that anxiety.
	It's not.
	Anxiety, I think, is just this, we're supposed to be like in motion.
	And I think some of it is just this stagnating, this cul-de-sacing of us being, doing stuff and connecting with each other.
	That energy has been alive for so long and now it just has no place to go.
	Right, right.
	I think kind of we're wired as humans evolutionarily.
	You farm, you get up, you fight a bear, you fuck your wife, you raise your kids, you farm, you kill a bear.
	You know, we have to survive and we don't have to do that anymore.
	We got Uber Eats, we got the granola bars.
	So it's still in us.
	So I think that's why we're more anxious than ever.
	You know, because you used to just go to a factory, you go home, you crack a beer, you watch the football game, you go to bed, you go to the factory.
	You don't have to do that shit anymore.
	We're doing a pod.
	We're working.
	This is work.
	And then we're going to go to the comedy store and that's work.
	So we don't have any struggle.
	Yeah, we don't have any struggle.
	We don't have a ton of human interaction that much.
	Yeah, yeah.
	But also, there's a guy recently who's talking to me about that we don't touch the earth as much as we used to.
	Oh, that's good.
	So this energy of like the energy that's supposed to usually come in and out of the ground and into our bodies and like it doesn't happen that much.
	Whitney on our podcast talked about this practice that's getting popular because of that called grounding and it's just going barefoot and walking in the dirt and going on hikes, but barefoot because interesting that whole thing.
	I mean the moped, you know, everything in my body's like, what are you doing?
	What are you, you have a midlife crisis?
	Why are you buying this?
	What do you think?
	You're a cool dude.
	And I get on that thing and it's visceral.
	I got the wind in my hair.
	I can feel the throttle.
	I can feel the engine heating up in my asshole and everything and the bumps and my clits popping.
	And it's just great.
	And I'm leaving outside of cars.
	It's nerve-wracking.
	And I get to the spot and I kind of go, whoo, I got to take a minute.
	That was wild.
	You know, I'm going down Broadway in the best city in the world and it's great.
	The lights are going by me.
	I got a Chinese guy, you know, passing me up.
	I give him a honk.
	He doesn't wave back.
	And it's crazy.
	And then I just get there and I'm like, man, I would have been on the subway with earbuds in, just sitting there looking at some hobo.
	You know, like, you got to get up and get out and do something.
	That's why like woodworking is good.
	That's why these guys do tough mutter and shit.
	Tough mutter is just like, I got this body full of muscles and organs.
	I got to use it.
	You know, I got to push myself.
	Yeah, we got to try.
	You got to try because it's easy to not try.
	It's so easy.
	It's easy to sit on.
	It's easier.
	Yeah, we're creating it.
	Yeah, we've definitely created a society in America where it's easy.
	It's like, yeah, just discomfort.
	Yeah.
	Everything's turning into a couch.
	Exactly.
	And then, boy, when VR gets in here, it's over.
	We're going to just VR a set and we go, all right, I killed.
	I didn't have to leave the house.
	You know?
	Yeah, people buy tickets and watch you in the virtual reality.
	Exactly.
	That'll be it.
	You're not going to meet any women.
	You're just going to fuck VR women.
	I mean, it's going to be over.
	You'll just be basically a passageway that food goes through.
	Yes, yes.
	You're just shitting and eating.
	Shitting and eating.
	It's going to be crazy, man.
	Yeah, I mean, look at what people can accomplish.
	You watch an MMA fight, you're like, that's unbelievable that two guys can do that or two women can do that.
	I could never do that.
	But the human body is capable of such, you see a guy on a snowboard do 80 flips and land.
	You're like, I'm eating Cheetos and fingering myself.
	Yeah, dude.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And not even washing my hands between the two.
	My asshole's yellow and orange.
	It's got all the dust on it.
	Remember Chester Cheetah?
	Of course I do.
	Cheetah Cheetah.
	I saw Kelvin Gaslam last night at the store.
	I saw that on your Instagram.
	Yeah, Israel Arisania.
	One of the fighters, yeah, fighter of the year.
	And I got to be at that fight.
	I'd only been to one fight.
	Joe Rogan took me to a fight one time, and dude, it was the craziest fight.
	I was with you.
	You were there?
	Atlanta.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Remember, we walked in.
	It was Cheeto, me and you, and we walked into the arena, and everybody went nuts for you.
	Oh, I don't even remember that.
	And then I think Poirier was there.
	Yeah, Poirier was there.
	Yeah, he was fighting.
	You were there?
	I remember Andrew was there.
	I feel so bad.
	Jeez, we hung out all day at the four seasons.
	And I remember after he won, you guys hugged, and I was like, whoa, Theo is big.
	Oh, that's fine.
	That blew my mind.
	Yeah, it made me feel excited, bro.
	I was pretty excited.
	You handled it very well.
	I would have been like, oh, shit.
	Hey, how you doing?
	But you look cool.
	Oh, cool, man.
	Thanks.
	Yeah, dude, that's the first time I saw those guys just go through it so much.
	I was seeing my girl at the time.
	And just walking through that tunnel with Rogan, like, you know, that gorilla with a button down on.
	You're like, what the fuck?
	And he just sits down, puts the headphones on.
	He's like, he tied him on the left.
	He cracked him in the jaw.
	You're like, whoa, where am I?
	You're getting hit with sweat and AIDS is on you and shit.
	And Cheetos looking at a hot chick.
	It was a wild day.
	That was a hell of a day.
	Dude, that's crazy.
	I feel so bad that I forgot that I just didn't think.
	Do you remember now?
	Is it coming back?
	Not at all.
	Damn.
	I got to say the N-word or something.
	It stand out a little.
	Oh, yeah.
	If you'd have written down the N-word on a piece of paper and passed it to me, dude, I'd remember that.
	I'll be doing that after the show.
	Tell you that.
	Who's the sober one between you?
	I know.
	I had four beers in me that night.
	I remember.
	I had a big gulp the whole time of beer.
	I was probably nervous.
	Something about that whole environment made me nervous.
	Oh, I get it.
	I mean, you got Rogan.
	We're in a fucking SUV with Rogan.
	Remember that?
	That was terrifying.
	Were you really there?
	You're just messing with me.
	I was there.
	We hung out.
	Remember, you came in with 18 shopping bags.
	Remember, you were like, I went shopping, and we chatted for like an hour, and then they came downstairs.
	Then we all went together.
	Oh, yeah, in this hotel.
	We sat next to each other at the fight.
	I was elbowing you, and I remember I said some things.
	You were like, hey, take it easy, man, because I was being too offensive, I think.
	Oh, yeah.
	Change up all of these guys.
	Yeah, yeah, exactly.
	I was making bad jokes at the fighters.
	Like, come on, you pussy.
	That's all you got.
	Your mom's a whore, you know.
	I was just trying to get into it, and you were like, shut the fuck up.
	Trying to pop Poirier.
	I don't remember any of this.
	I wasn't there, and I remember.
	Santino had to leave early because he had a show in Atlanta that night.
	Same, same.
	It was you.
	It was me.
	Yeah, you didn't leave early.
	Yeah, I left early.
	I missed all the good shit.
	I saw Poirier, but I missed Adesanya.
	Yeah, man, that was such a...
	I think he's one of the best of all time.
	I think he's like a special fighter.
	He's different.
	Who, Adesana, you mean?
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	I didn't see him.
	I mean, just gasoline.
	But yeah, Adesana.
	I mean, that fight was just crazy watching those two men hit each other forever.
	Oh, yeah.
	God.
	Wow.
	Man, that was like the best day of my life.
	And to you, that was a blip in your mullet lifestyle.
	I feel so bad, bro.
	You're out here pricking up.
	I remember you had to leave early.
	We're all like, damn, he has to leave early to go to his show.
	You read The Skull.
	The Skull, yeah, and it was brutal.
	I was like, I don't want to leave.
	I'd rather watch this shit fight than go to this show, but it was fun.
	Sold out.
	Good time.
	I'm going to try to get us tickets to another fight, man, and you and I'll go.
	Let's do it.
	That'd be awesome.
	Boy, I feel like we really bonded, too, on that couch.
	Jeez.
	I got to be more memorable.
	No, I just probably was just probably thinking about myself.
	Sure.
	Who is this?
	A couple of whites right here.
	What is this?
	Segura and Rickles?
	Who's that?
	Yeah.
	No, I think that's Segura.
	Yeah, who does that look like?
	Who's that guy at the store?
	Shubert?
	Maybe an old shube.
	Who's that guy at the store who opens it up?
	Alan Arkin?
	What's that guy's name?
	Oh, yeah, Arvis.
	Argus.
	Argus Hamilton.
	Argus Hamilton.
	Yeah.
	Brian looks good on him.
	Named after, obviously, a couple of slaves, let's be honest.
	Argus Hamilton.
	Oh, yeah.
	Good play.
	What's up, Theo?
	Kang Gang.
	What's up, guys?
	We're a couple of Tuesdays.
	I want to know about your best night.
	And your worst night.
	Performing comedy.
	Oh, I got that for you.
	Thank you.
	Cute couple right there.
	Thank you guys.
	Yeah, you want to start?
	Let's hear yours, man.
	All right.
	Well, I've had a lot of great nights.
	I've had a lot of bad nights.
	It's hard to pick the top, but I did the, what is that?
	What's the arena here?
	Stables?
	No, no, no.
	Forum.
	I did the forum once, and that was pretty unbelievable.
	I just killed at the forum.
	I just had it.
	It was just sold out, you know, opening for Schumer.
	I don't know, what is that?
	30,000 people or whatever the fuck it is?
	Really?
	22, maybe?
	22, yeah.
	It was unreal, and it's in a circle, and just rocked it, and everything clicked.
	I did the Patrice O'Neal benefit, and that was a good one with Bill Burr inviting me, which was like such an honor.
	And that just clicked.
	Remember, I went third, which is like the best spot in the show, and just kicked it right in the teeth.
	And it just, you know, when your timing is the laugh, and then you, and then the laugh, it just worked.
	And Bill said some nice things after.
	So that was great.
	But the worst.
	Probably two months ago during Christmas, I did a bunch of corporate gigs.
	Do you do corporates?
	I just did one this week, actually.
	Oh, nice.
	They're pretty different.
	Yeah.
	They're not really stand-up.
	You're just kind of like trying to keep these people happy and get your paycheck and get out of there.
	Yeah, you don't want to get any HR issues.
	That's the biggest thing.
	Yes, and that's exactly what I did.
	I had to host a pharmaceutical award show.
	Big hotel, ballroom, you know, like white tablecloths, fine china, tuxedos, chandeliers.
	And I got note cards like a stack this high of like, next up, best sleep aid.
	Here are the nominees.
	Like, I was that guy.
	I had a podium and everything, and I had to study it, and the paycheck was insane.
	They picked me up at a limo, drove me out to Philadelphia.
	Damn.
	I get there.
	I'm supposed to do 15 minutes of stand-up to open just to like get them loose and then go into the award shows.
	Clean, but they knew my stuff.
	They watched all my YouTube and they're like, we like your edge and all that shit.
	So just do you.
	So I just, to play it safe, I did the sign.
	I open for Seinfeld and I did the Seinfeld set, which, you know, nothing cleaner than Seinfeld.
	Yeah.
	So I go up and out of the gate, bomb, bomb, bomb.
	Every joke, and I'm like, all right, well, let me pull out some heavy hitter.
	These always work.
	Bomb foolproof, bomb.
	So I'm like, maybe I'll get a little dirtier.
	That's how I'll get them.
	I do a vibrator joke.
	I see a table of women get up and leave in like a huff.
	And I go, oh, that's not good.
	So I comment on them.
	Dry women, huh?
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	These women were not into it.
	And so I get off to like, I bring these people up to like give a little speech about some kind of fucking drugs they're selling.
	And I get off and the CEO of the whole thing is yelling at me.
	And he's like, how could you say that about my wife?
	And I'm like, wait, what do you talk?
	I don't even know who your wife is.
	And he's like, my wife is offended.
	Get the hell out of here.
	You're fired.
	You're done.
	I was like, wait, what?
	What are you talking about?
	I'm in a tuxedo.
	I rented a tux from Joseph A. Banks.
	So I'm like, what?
	So I go up to like the curator later and she's like, she's crying because he yelled at her first.
	And she's like, you got to go.
	You got to go.
	We're going to find someone else to host it.
	it's three more hours in the show.
	And I just had to get in a car and go back to Philly.
	No.
	I mean, go back to New York.
	Brutal.
	I studied and all this shit, and it was like a fine lobster steak dinner.
	And it was like so high-end.
	And this was a big production with like a, you know, a sound booth guy and the lighting guy and the waiters and all this shit.
	And I just had to leave over a joke.
	She thought it was offensive to women.
	But the joke is so blah.
	It's like so innocuous.
	What's the joke?
	The joke is my girl used a vibrator and I say I feel like I'm obsolete now because the vibrator is better than me.
	I feel like this, she's at CVS.
	I'm an employee there and she's using the self-checkout.
	And I'm like, hey, if you need a hand, I'm your man.
	I feel like I'm losing my job.
	And I'm like, these robots are taking our job, blah, blah, blah.
	And I'm the loser in the joke.
	The Vibrant is better, but she took that as some of, she probably hasn't gotten laid since 88. She's taking it out on me.
	She's repressed.
	She's gay.
	I don't know what's going on.
	So I got the old boot.
	Brutal, but I got paid.
	Oh, you did get paid?
	I got paid.
	Good agent.
	Good agent.
	Yeah.
	And it wasn't my fault.
	Like, I did the material that I did on Conan, you know?
	So it's TV shit.
	Yeah, that sounds like that lady had some kind of issue.
	Maybe she was having to use a vibrator a lot and things weren't going well or something.
	Or who knows?
	Something was up.
	Yeah.
	She wanted to get railed by Puberty Wilson or something was going on.
	And everybody in that crowd is probably on opioids because pharmacy.
	Yeah, they're fucking drug dealers lecturing me about morality and shit.
	I'm like, you guys sell pills, OxyContin, to people that get hooked in Boston and then they do heroin and kill themselves.
	Like, I'm the bad guy.
	I'm telling zingers.
	Yeah, you're putting fucking, you're trying to get Somas into lunchables.
	Yeah, exactly.
	You guys are out of your mind.
	That's what I was saying with the priorities.
	We're all out of whack, you know?
	For some reason, jokes really hit people, like hit a nerve with people.
	I don't know what it is.
	But I noticed that I noticed sometimes things will get me aggit.
	Like I'm like, oh, I'm reacting to things.
	Like I am becoming part of the problem that I even call out sometimes.
	I say we're all human.
	Right.
	I notice it sometimes.
	I'm like, though, like, damn, this thing really has me like bent.
	This is somebody's tweet or something.
	What am I doing?
	Like, what's going on here?
	Right, right.
	Like, white male, straight white male, blah, blah, blah.
	And you're like, oh, shit, is this about me?
	Yeah, just like, yeah, I don't know.
	Sometimes I find myself getting like triggered by shit.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Well, it happens.
	It happens, but you go, all right, I'm triggered.
	And you're not going to go get somebody fired.
	Right.
	You would never do that.
	No.
	You would go, shit, why did that bother me?
	And you got to sit with it a little bit, maybe, but just to have that gut reaction to just like, ruin this guy.
	Fuck you.
	You made me feel weird for one second.
	You're done.
	Yeah.
	That's a crazy instinct.
	Well, the thing that's going on is there's something that's making us, why do we feel weird?
	Like, why, like, the feeling of us feeling weird about something has been magnified somehow.
	It used to be like somebody told a joke, it maybe made me feel a certain type of way or something a little bit.
	That was very small.
	I was more focused on how is this going to make me laugh.
	Almost even sometimes I would pretend to laugh.
	Yeah, of course.
	Just to enjoy myself.
	Yes.
	Whereas now there's this, whatever the muscle or the reactor inside of us that wants to be upset, that thing is stronger now.
	Yeah, yeah, that's true.
	You're right.
	That's a good point.
	It's just, it's become stronger.
	I think because the more comfort you have, the less tough skin you have, maybe.
	Like, we're so used to comfort that when you feel a little bit of discomfort, you're like, oh, this is weird.
	I got to shut this down.
	And I think people like canceling and like being morally superior on Twitter and just shouting out a guy, I think makes you feel good.
	Also, it gives you a little power.
	Like, I got that guy kicked off SNL.
	How cool am I?
	I'm great.
	He's racist.
	I'm great.
	I saw an interesting thing.
	I don't want to say any names, but I was at the comedy club.
	Doc Rivers.
	I was at a comedy club in New York, and we're all talking, hanging out.
	This lady was there, and she's an LA comic.
	And Shane Gillis walked up, and he goes, hey, she goes, hey, I'm, we'll say Leslie.
	And he goes, yeah, I know who you are.
	You shit on me on Twitter after the whole episode.
	No, no.
	And he goes, she goes, I did?
	Who are you?
	She didn't know who he was.
	And he goes, I'm Shane Gillis.
	And she's like, oh, really?
	Wow.
	You know, I never, ah, I was just, you know, going with the flow.
	Like, everybody was shitting on you.
	I just jumped on the bandwagon.
	I didn't know you were a real person.
	Like, I never put it together.
	Now that we're face to face, it's weird.
	And he was like, yeah, I get it.
	It's cool.
	And that was it.
	But it was cool seeing it in real life, not just, you know, screens.
	Right.
	So that was fun.
	Because the screens can make you do anything.
	You got no remorse.
	You suck, kill yourself, you know?
	And then they do it and you go, shit, that's real.
	Yeah, it's the same thing.
	You know what?
	It's the same thing with pornography.
	It's like, yes.
	Yeah, of course.
	Yeah.
	If that were a real person, you wouldn't be behaving that way because you have a wife or you have a girlfriend.
	Right, right.
	But because it's on this screen, it makes it.
	It's distant.
	Right, it's distant, but it still has this residual effect.
	And then the effect that you see in the world from that, like it's so funny when people were ripping on Ari the other day when it first happened, you know, everybody's like getting into Ari Shafir and cancel him.
	And then the funniest part to me was people calling him a white supremacist.
	That's the go-to now.
	Sometimes he's kind of a Jewish supremacist, I think, sometimes.
	Just this whole new act, you know?
	Yeah.
	Which also should be a good name for him.
	Yeah, that's true.
	But Judaism in itself is supremacist.
	They call themselves the chosen one.
	Well, you think you're better than me, you fucking Jew?
	Yeah, I thought the chosen one was Carmelo Anthony.
	Yeah, he ain't no heb.
	I also thought the first time I heard Carmelo Anthony, he is a, well, I thought it was a candy, dude, and I was like, I want Caramello.
	How could he not have a bar?
	I know Anthony.
	That sounds great.
	I'd have two of them.
	But it made me.
	But I started to get, I was like, oh, yeah, people are pissed at Ari man.
	And I just noticed my brain starting to go down this little path.
	It happens.
	It happens.
	He really fucked up.
	It's the mob mentality with the torches.
	And you go, oh, we're burning this lady.
	Let's burn her.
	Yeah.
	Don't burn me.
	Then you had to be there and do it.
	That's true.
	That's true.
	Now you got, you know, Larry Rucka sitting on his couch.
	He hasn't worked ever.
	And he's like, you know, he has 20, 40,000 tweets.
	Right.
	If you have over 11,000 tweets, dude, they should give you an amount per year.
	Yes.
	There you go.
	You really want to use one on this, this little situation?
	I remember one time in high school, I was hanging out with my friend.
	He's like, he didn't go to my high school, and we went to his football game.
	And I'm sitting in the stands, and you start rooting.
	That's not my school.
	I don't give a fuck.
	I don't care what happens to these kids.
	But you start rooting.
	And it's the same thing.
	You want to be a part of something.
	You know, you get on Twitter.
	My whole thing with the Ari stuff and all this can't, like, I just don't care.
	Like, who gives a fuck?
	Yeah, Ari said something crazy.
	All right, so what?
	Go buy your groceries.
	Go jerk off.
	Go hug your kids.
	Right.
	Who has that much?
	Who has too much time to care?
	I like thinking about it.
	Like, it's interesting to think about why it happened, what's going on.
	Like, if there was something in his head, if he thought before, like.
	But you're already a step ahead.
	You're sitting back and thinking.
	Everybody's just going off just gut.
	Right.
	Primal monkey shit.
	You're thinking about it.
	It's this weird thing that we want to be.
	Yeah, you're right.
	I want to find a way.
	How do I be better than this person?
	Yeah.
	Why does this bother people?
	Why did he do it?
	What's he trying to get out of it?
	Already you're better off.
	Your mind is a little more open.
	It's interesting.
	Try to keep it open.
	It can get closed pretty quick, but you have to keep it open.
	Well, it's easy to go gut.
	It's so easy.
	Yeah.
	And we always go the easy route.
	Dude, I had a tweet that had to pull down, and thankfully I did.
	I mean, some lady said Lakers and Knicker and Nick's on the television the other day, and they thought that she said the N-word.
	Did you see that?
	I did see that, yeah.
	So right after, I was like, people started sharing that.
	So I took the, some guy's like, can you believe this lady said this?
	She needs to be ruined, you know, or whatever.
	And I was like, I had a tweet.
	It was like, so what?
	You know, no matter how many times she says it or something, it's not going to bring him back, you know?
	And kind of like edgy, funny, you know.
	Heavy stuff from the thief.
	But immediately, let me make sure that's exactly what I said.
	So what?
	It's not, it still won't bring him back.
	Something like that.
	Like just this ridiculous idea that if you said the N-word enough, it would bring somebody back from the dead.
	Right, right.
	Do you want to hear the lady say it?
	Yeah, let's do it.
	Let's hear it.
	Oh, a million five views.
	Perfectly cast on the Los Angeles Nagers Los Angeles Lakers Cavita.
	If I could ask you to stay with us, we're going to have to do it.
	It did sound like it.
	It really did.
	On the Los Angeles Nagers Commita.
	I think that they adjusted the audio in that one.
	It is a little, there's a pause.
	Yeah, there's a bit of a hit to the giddy up.
	See, what's crazy is, so 1.5 million people, if they did adjust that audio, you have no idea.
	And now 1.5 million people think that the lady said that.
	And is she fired or what happened?
	I don't think so.
	She did an apology.
	Chris Dalia had a good tweet, I think, yesterday or this morning, earlier today while reporting.
	Dalia has good takes on just reality.
	Yeah.
	Because we get all worked up and shit.
	And then he's like, he just kind of cuts to the, this is dumb and you know it and this is why.
	Yeah, he's like, anybody, yeah.
	Imagine thinking she actually was so secretly racist and you just want to virtue signal you feeling guilty about your own racism and want people to think you're not a racist.
	Right.
	I think there's some truth to that.
	Agreed, 100%.
	Like, you know, you make a joke about watermelon.
	Somebody goes, hey, that's racist.
	And you're like, I didn't even mention black people.
	You went there.
	What's your brain doing at night?
	Yeah, some of that stuff's ridiculous.
	And that's where I think sometimes Hollywood gets all cornered up because they've shut themselves, they've painted themselves into this incapable space to be human.
	Yes.
	Well said.
	So true.
	And that's why I come out of the gate going, I'm a piece of shit.
	I suck.
	I'm a degenerate.
	I like blow and pussy, you know, because I don't want to fall into that world.
	It's going to be so defeated.
	It's a president.
	Yeah.
	But it's funny, though, because it's true.
	Yeah.
	Like, it feels like those guys in Hollywood, they're all on a reality show and you said fag, so now you're out the house.
	You got eliminated.
	You're done.
	Like, Louis C.K. got eliminated, you know, and you're like, just eliminate me now.
	Like, I don't even want to play.
	I don't want to be in the house.
	Yeah, I just want to do blow.
	Say fag in the yard all the time.
	Right, right.
	And I'm not a bad guy, and I have no homophobic thought or I don't even give a shit.
	But I've noticed the ball busting, because New York has gotten kind of so wokey and everything, that the ball busting has gone LA.
	It used to be like tough crowd, Patrice, Colin Quinn, DePaulo, Norton, Keith Robinson.
	Those days are over.
	DePaulo's gone wacky, political.
	Colin Quinn's gone one-man show, whatever.
	But the ball busting now is you guys.
	You and Dahlia and Swartzen and Shaab and Callan, and those guys are all making fun of each other, and it's nice to see it again.
	It's all gone LA somehow.
	Yeah, I do notice sometimes like, yeah, it is like, especially on King and this thing, it's a fun place where we can just rip each other.
	Yeah.
	You know, and we have other, we have other people, like, we have a little bit of diversity on there.
	So it's like a fun place where we can talk about, you know, joke about race.
	Right.
	Like, growing up, dude, I remember if you said the N-word, that's how if somebody beat your ass, that's how you knew if you could say it or not.
	Right, right.
	Yeah.
	That's how you knew.
	Yeah, but it was a lot of intent, too.
	Like, not intent, but you could feel the heat behind it.
	You know, like, I said this on Rogan, but in my neighborhood, you could feel it if it's the same words, like, fuck you, white boy, and then, ah, fuck you, white boy.
	It's the same words, but it was a way different feeling.
	Like, if I was on a basketball court and I heard the first one, I was like, I'm out of here.
	But I heard the second one, then I'm get a guy in a headlock and noogie him.
	Right.
	Vitriol.
	Nuggie please.
	Yeah.
	Vitriol who?
	Johnson.
	One of them has vitriol and one doesn't have.
	Yeah.
	Vitriol doesn't have a lot of fun.
	Dude, it's kind of crazy.
	You know, I was growing up.
	I was like, black people have some of the craziest names when I was growing up.
	Oh, yeah.
	But now I'm like, dude, some of the, like, you got to have a unique name, and a lot of it's freaking dope, you know?
	Yeah, of course.
	You stand out.
	But now honkies have gone.
	Like, Gwyneth Palcho's got a kid named Apple.
	Yeah.
	So we have our own white version of Weird.
	They got like DaQuante or whatever the fuck.
	And we got like Lighthouse.
	I think it's Jason Lee's kid is named Lighthouse.
	That's insane.
	Give that a goog there, will you, Nick?
	Lighthouse?
	If they did Lighthouse for the blind, I would love it.
	That's a little long.
	Yeah, dude.
	Also, how risky to put a light Yeah, right?
	So risky.
	Damn.
	That was GPS back in the day.
	Every time I see that ad, I'm like, this is insane, man.
	How does this end, you know?
	I know, right?
	Blind people.
	You ever think about like, They just got to deal with that.
	We had a girl on here, a blind person.
	What?
	Yeah.
	Really?
	Yeah, it was one of our most popular episodes.
	I mean, just talking about what it was like.
	She said she can relate sometimes to computers because that's how her brain feels.
	It's like the more it goes along certain paths and stuff, the more it gets used and gets comfortable in that path and knowing what's going on.
	Interesting.
	How key sound is to them.
	Yeah, of course.
	And how they can feel how other people are feeling a lot of times.
	Are we talking about the actor, Jason Lee?
	I thought so.
	He's got one named Casper, one they call Birdie.
	Oh, maybe I had the wrong guy.
	Casper's pretty intent.
	Somebody's got a wacky name, like Lighthouse or Light Fixture or Light Beer.
	I can't remember.
	I might have Lighthouse wrong.
	It could be Ferry, maybe?
	You ever take that ferry over there from New Orleans over to the West Bank?
	West Bank, yeah, sure.
	Mardi Gras World.
	We'd go there.
	Yeah.
	I used to take that with my dad all the time.
	I love that ferry.
	It was like a buck.
	Yeah.
	That was good times.
	Yeah, that thing was good.
	Remember, it costed a dollar to get into New Orleans from the West Bank.
	Every day, my friends would have to pay a buck to get into the city.
	They got rid of that, but that was weird as a kid.
	Like, damn.
	That's kind of shitty to the wankers.
	Yeah, it really is, kind of.
	Yeah.
	You got to pay to get in here.
	Yeah, and you have to come over there to work, and you also got to pay.
	Yeah.
	The Causeway was like that coming from Mandeville.
	It was like, you had to pay.
	Yeah, it was a dollar and then it was $1.50 on each side.
	Damn.
	And then eventually it was just $3 one way.
	Damn.
	So the other way, you didn't have to stop.
	You had to pay $3 up top.
	Longest bridge in America.
	Yep.
	I think.
	And it was the longest bridge in the world for a while.
	And then Japanese built one longer.
	I got caught on that bridge about to get murdered.
	I don't know if you heard about this, but we were stopped on the causeway because we were getting chased by this guy who was trying to kill us.
	Me and a couple high school friends.
	And there was an accident on the causeway.
	So it was gridlocked.
	So the car had to park.
	And we're like, fuck.
	And he got out and he was like shaking the car.
	He was like a big buff guy.
	And we were like three squirrely Catholic school kids.
	And he had a knife and he was like slicing the side of the car up.
	And luckily, the cops at the wreck saw it and like tased him and pulled him down and cuffed him.
	Oh, that's amazing.
	It was wild.
	But I was like, go on the causeway.
	He won't follow us because it's too long.
	But then there was a fucking wreck.
	That causeway, man.
	Because to me, that was a whole other world over there where you live.
	I was like, I don't know what goes on in Covington and Mandeville and all that shit.
	I didn't know what that was.
	It got just wild.
	Yeah, it was just kind of suburban, and then it just got a little bit weird the further you got out.
	Yeah.
	Well, I went to LSU for a while, and a bunch of guys I lived with were from Mandeville, and these were tough, rambling dudes.
	Like they could fish and skin a fox and like, you know, fight and, you know, smoke and weed with them.
	One guy was named Gabe McCormick.
	One guy was named Jared Smedley.
	These were like backyard, rough and tumble kind of guys, like Cajun-y dudes.
	And I was glad I was friends with them because they were like tough dudes.
	I saw them fistfight all the time.
	Oh, wow.
	Yeah, like they would headbutt a dude and they'd be wearing polo shirts and a woven belt and just knock a guy out of the football game.
	And they were like my size.
	They weren't big guys or anything.
	They had a little bit of bravery, huh?
	Yeah, they had like their own knives.
	They had knives in their room and shit.
	They like to make knives.
	Yeah, it was like prison-y.
	Yeah.
	You know, they had a weird scar on their head and shit.
	Good guys.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	They knew how to make a boat out of a log and shit.
	P-rog.
	Yeah, that pearog, man.
	Oh, yeah.
	They could catch a crab with their hand out of the water and they could pick up a rock and go, all right, the wind's going that way.
	Like they knew they almost had like a little Cherokee in their ass.
	Yeah.
	It was interesting.
	I think a lot of people have a little bit and they put a little chunk of mud under their tongue, you know, and tell if you're a Pisces or not.
	Exactly, exactly.
	Yeah.
	And I came from the city, so I was like, I don't know what the fuck this is, you know?
	But yeah, cool, cool guys.
	LSU, did you enjoy your time over there?
	What was it like?
	I did, but I lived in a house with four guys, and we had a hot tub and a beer punk table.
	So I failed out of three colleges.
	And eventually I got into Southeastern and I finished online.
	Hell yeah, dude.
	You're a lion?
	You're a Southeastern lion?
	I guess so, yeah.
	Yeah, dude, from Hammond.
	Yeah, it was a good school.
	I liked it.
	It's a good school, man.
	It's a nice little place over there.
	I went over there to a pumpkin carving contest one time.
	Oh, nice.
	We drove over there.
	I practiced for months, dude.
	And I got over there and I just got too nervous and I ate shit.
	I just did Lafayette and they were like, Theo was just here.
	It was like the talk of the town.
	Oh, yeah?
	I did fun over there.
	What is that, Holiday?
	No, Doubletree Hotel.
	Jason Leonard's got this show, and it's killer.
	It's like 300-plus seats.
	Great show.
	And they were like, Theo was just here.
	And I was like, I know Theo.
	It was fun.
	Oh, that's cool.
	Yeah, I get to tell people I know you all the time.
	People ask about you all the time, man.
	Come on.
	They do.
	They're always like, oh, yeah, you and Mark Norman are from the same place.
	You've probably been one of the most requested people we've had to have on the podcast.
	Whoa.
	I'll take it.
	I think people expect me, because I'm from New Orleans, to be like, I come in on a gator and I got a fucking three-cornered hat on and shit, you know?
	But yeah, I don't know.
	It was just a city.
	Yeah.
	We ate weird food, I guess, and listened to Zytico.
	And Mardi Gras had.
	And Mardi Gras.
	Oh, that was the best.
	You got two weeks off of school.
	What would you do?
	What are you kidding?
	I mean, St. Charles Avenue.
	Oh, yeah.
	So much fun.
	Remember 7th Street?
	That was where all the kids hung out.
	We'd do drugs and get drunk and make out and finger girls and eat each other out by the bushes and all that shit.
	And I remember making out with a girl who had cigarette breath and it was like so hot to me because she was so like adult.
	Yeah, good times.
	God, that's fun.
	And you could drink outside there.
	I got knocked out on St. Charles one time.
	Dude, I got knocked out on St. Charles by Lee Circle.
	Oh, shit.
	Was it a tall, blonde-haired dude?
	Like, I mean, 230 pounds.
	Yeah.
	6'2?
	No.
	I wish it was like a college guy, just like a fat, doughy, you know, chunky white guy.
	You could have beat that guy back.
	Did you try to beat him or not?
	He snuck me, as we used to say.
	That's one thing I don't like that happens in Louisiana.
	Yeah, bro.
	That's sneak bullshit.
	That's this kind of shit that I did not like that happened a lot down there.
	All the time.
	Yeah, it was a weird story.
	Me and a couple friends were hanging out, drinking, and these kids, like older kids, a little boy caught a spear, and the spear was like a big one.
	That was like a big ticket item.
	And they were nice.
	They were nice.
	And if you caught one of those, like, oh shit, well done.
	Yeah.
	And these older kids were like, give me the fucking spear, kid.
	And he was like, no, it's mine.
	And we're like, hey, leave the kid alone.
	It's a spear.
	What are you crazy?
	Like, you're 18, 19, 20. What are you crazy?
	And they're like, who the fuck are you?
	So they start pushing us.
	So we start pushing them.
	And then one of my friends got pushed.
	And this is like out of a movie.
	The other guy squatted behind him like an Ottoman and he fell over.
	So they start stomping on my friend.
	Yes.
	So then I got hit and I go down and I remember seeing, I'm laying on the sidewalk looking at my friend getting smushed by like a Doc Martin.
	You know, and I was like, this is bad.
	So we lost pretty quick.
	We had the one black friend who was swinging away, but the cops came and broke it up and we were like, all right, well, that was crazy.
	We're all banged up and shit.
	We're like, ah, what are you going to do?
	Give me another beer.
	And then we go walk like a block.
	And I'm talking to my girlfriend at the time.
	And she goes, I think that's one of those guys.
	And I was like, huh?
	And I looked the wrong way.
	And he was running this way.
	Running start hit me.
	I went out and pissed myself.
	Which is the most embarrassing thing.
	I mean, not only getting knocked out, but urinating.
	And especially you've done that so much as a child.
	I guess.
	I guess I got a weak dick stop piss stopper or something.
	I got no cork.
	And I went out and I was laying on a guy's lawn, like drooling and pissing on myself, which is pretty embarrassing.
	And I woke up like two minutes later and my girlfriend like, get out of here.
	Like swinging her purse and shit.
	That's the worst.
	I'd rather have a guy kill me than have a girlfriend standing there saying, get out of here.
	Brutal.
	Brutal.
	My man.
	Yeah.
	That's the worst.
	Oh, it was brutal, man.
	That's the worst, dude, because that ruins your Marty Girl.
	Yo, completely.
	And I had a fucking egg whop right here.
	It was rough.
	And yeah, that was bad.
	I had to have lunch with my mom the next day.
	She's like, what happened?
	I was like, I fell down the stairs.
	I got hit by a doorknob.
	Brutal.
	Brutal.
	But it humbled you.
	Yeah.
	It definitely makes you think about it.
	Yeah, like, yeah, you get knocked around a couple of times.
	You get a little bit wiser.
	You just stay out of certain situations.
	Definitely.
	Don't ask questions.
	Don't run your mouth.
	You can notice when things are just starting to heat up.
	You're gone.
	Yeah, you can feel that spidey sense is tingling.
	And I saw, man, those fucking Baton Rouge guys were damped.
	They would kick you in the face at a bar and shit, like in the parking lot.
	Dude, the fights out there were wild.
	Got more risk.
	Yeah, they had a ton of fights at LSU, man.
	Oh, yeah.
	I remember being in a parking lot one time and somebody threw a beer bottle and went right by my head and shattered on a wall next to me.
	And I was like, nobody, I didn't even know anybody.
	I was like, somebody's, it's crazy.
	You know, I'm just not, I have aspirations.
	Dude, yeah, I remember one time we're walking down the street and this big white dude, I think he was on steroids, bro.
	And he walked past us and it was me and a couple of my buddies.
	And he goes, oh, he turns around.
	He's like, one of y'all called me the N-word.
	And we're like, no way, dude.
	I'm not blind.
	What are you crazy?
	Yeah, bro.
	Tighten up, man.
	Yeah.
	Dude, before we could say anything, bro, he fucking decks one of my buddies, right?
	Oh, shit.
	Yeah.
	They had like a piece of, just a piece of like, it was like a, not a two by four, but like maybe a one by two or something.
	Ooh.
	Like a really thick dowel rod right there, just leaning on this fence.
	It was Mardi Grace, somebody made a sign and left it there.
	So I just picked it up and just snapped this guy with it.
	Really?
	Yep.
	He hit me.
	He hit my buddy.
	That didn't knock him down.
	Dude, here was a crazy.
	Jeez, who is this N-word?
	This white N-word is a beast.
	Bro, it did not know.
	This guy was huge, man.
	He was on something.
	Like, he was just unbeatable, you know?
	Yeah, yeah, maybe.
	It was like the first time you get to the super, like the balls are.
	Yeah.
	You're like, oh, I don't know where he jumps.
	So I'm fucked.
	Yeah.
	I got to play it a few times to get his rhythm.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	So this guy was, and some girls pull up, the only girls we even knew that we had any chance with their Marty Girl, pull up.
	And they're like, and for some reason, I kind of like fallen off to the side of the fight.
	And they're like, hey, what are you guys doing?
	And we're like, I'm like, oh, this guy's beating the shit out of us.
	So what does it look like we're doing?
	No joke.
	The girl goes, okay, well, we're just going to find a place to bark.
	I'm like, okay.
	Oh, that's it.
	They were just looking for barking.
	I like that gal.
	She's not phased by shit.
	So, man, this guy cracked me right in the middle of the head, and it was this horrible big red whelp.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And I got some ash out of a thing and tried to fake that ash windshield.
	Oh, smart.
	Smart move.
	He should have gone full Muslim.
	Just put that dot down there.
	Wow.
	He got you right here.
	Oh, man.
	He got me right there, man.
	And yeah, it definitely kind of woke me up.
	Like, it shook my head a little.
	It almost made me feel pretty cool.
	Yeah, you get a rush and you feel alive a little bit.
	Yeah, yeah.
	You're like, oh, right, oh, man, I can get knocked out.
	Yeah, it's very primal, you know?
	Like, we grew up, not grew up, but we evolved fighting.
	Yeah.
	And so it's something in you.
	I mean, you picked that stick up pretty quick.
	Yeah.
	You weren't like, should I pick up the stick?
	You just went for it.
	Yeah, it was fun hitting him, too, right in the neck.
	I bet.
	I can't believe that didn't knock him out.
	Or knock him down, at least.
	No, not this guy.
	Damn.
	I would have had to hit him about 40 times for him to go down.
	Wow.
	It was right.
	Here was the worst part.
	Right when I picked it up, I realized it wasn't that strong.
	It was like, I wished it was.
	It was flimsy.
	Yeah, it wasn't that sturdy.
	Yeah, that sucks.
	It was almost like slapping somebody with a piece of wood.
	You hit a guy with like a paintstirrer or some shit.
	Oh, that sucks.
	And you just made him mad.
	Yeah, all it did was make him mad.
	Right, right.
	You started blinking on the screen.
	You're like, uh-oh, this isn't good.
	Right, right.
	You needed a flower to fireball him.
	Damn.
	What else?
	Did we cover everything?
	Nick, you got anything?
	Any more questions?
	All the good ones, the other ones you kind of answered within conversation.
	Oh, all right, all right.
	I hope we weren't too serious.
	I hope there was some yucks and all that.
	Oh, I was yucking it up.
	All right, all right.
	Yeah, I thought it was fun, man.
	It's just also just nice to get to chat.
	We never really got to sit down and chat that much.
	That's the beauty of pods, man.
	It brings people together.
	Like, I have friends who I don't see unless we podcast.
	Yeah.
	Which is kind of sad, but we're working.
	We're always busy.
	Yeah.
	What's it like at the seller these days over there?
	It's different.
	It's definitely more, you know, diverse and spread out, and no one calls anybody on shit, which I think, like, I'm all for diversity, and I'm all for new people and hanging out and different voices, but it was a better place when you were more honest.
	Now it's like, well, this is a gay trans or whatever, so I'm not going to push it.
	Right.
	You know, but you might have a hacky joke that I heard before, but I'm like, I don't want to just ruffle any feathers because I don't want to seem like I'm this guy, which I think Is worse.
	That's not progress.
	Right.
	I thought it was about treating everybody equally, but we're so nervous about stepping on toes and being called phobic this and that.
	So, like, that part's weird.
	Man, yeah, that seems like a really tough environment.
	Yeah, like back in the day, Patrice would go, What the fuck is that hat?
	You know, and you can't do that now.
	You're like, I don't know if that hat's a fucking garb or uh, you know, it's like a service hat, right, right, right.
	And now I'm classist or some shit.
	So, yeah, it's it's different.
	You got to watch your P's and Q's, where before it was like you just kind of shot from the hip, which I think there's some goodness to that.
	You know, you don't want a football coach who's going, hey, everything was great.
	Now you got a guy going, hey, you fucked that up.
	Do that again.
	Get down on four knees and this and that, take a knee, whatever.
	But yeah, so we're missing that part, but it's still a great club.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah, man.
	That place is legendary.
	Oh, have you worked there ever?
	Yeah.
	Schumer and Neil Brennan helped me get past there.
	Nice.
	All right.
	I mean, that's a tight comedy box.
	It's a laugh box.
	I'm so nervous.
	Even when I went back there last time, like maybe four months ago, I passed through time to even go perform.
	I just went by to say, hey, and I was just like so nervous just even getting in there.
	It's weird.
	I mean, the store used to be like that, but the store has kind of gotten more welcoming.
	I feel like.
	Yeah, definitely.
	Yeah, I think.
	Well, there's so many comics there.
	There's so many people there usually at night.
	And you know a lot more people now.
	Right, right.
	That helps.
	Yeah.
	I mean, definitely people, you know, you say Mark Norman, people are like, oh, yeah.
	Right.
	I'm not going to lie to you.
	Like a couple years ago, I'd see you and just be like, oh, I don't know anybody.
	It was like high school at the cafeteria.
	Like, we have some connection.
	I need you.
	But you were doing shit.
	You were busy.
	And I was like, all right, all right.
	I got to learn to just sit here alone.
	Damn.
	But, you know, you know how it is when you're different.
	You want to fucking cling to some guy.
	Oh, yeah, totally.
	Yeah, it's funny.
	It's like the things that we, it's like so easily, like, if, you know, like, say, like, a missile hit, it would be interesting to see how quick people got into like, what would make, attract people to different people and get into certain groups and clicks, you know?
	For sure, for sure.
	I always say, like, remember World War III was about to happen, you know, but Trump, everything with Iran.
	Yeah.
	And everybody's like, this is awful.
	And, you know, everybody's got jokes about it.
	I'm like, it's not that bad if you're checking your retweets.
	You know, if you're checking your retweets, it's not really an emergency.
	We all pretend like we're living in this crisis time and everything's going on fire around us.
	But if you're going, here's my Trump joke, how's that doing?
	Things aren't that bad.
	If your house is on fire, you're not tweeting shit.
	You know what I mean?
	So that's how you kind of know if things are really bad.
	And then, of course, it turned into nothing and nobody cared 10 minutes later.
	But yeah, I feel like that's a good point because people are going to, my dad used to always say, we need a war.
	We need a war.
	People are black versus white, rich versus poor, men versus women.
	We need a war to bring us all together, which is not a great mentality.
	But I thought about that before.
	Yeah, like you need some kind of common enemy.
	Like we used to hate the Nazis, then we hated the Russians.
	And, you know, you got to have some kind of bonding factor, which we don't really have anymore.
	Everybody's doing their own shit.
	You got a pod.
	He's got a web series.
	Yeah, he's got an easel.
	He's got a compass.
	That's a Dimitri Martin reference, too, guys, just so you know what's going on here.
	Dude, we should do a show down in New Orleans together.
	That'd be pretty cool, huh?
	Dude, I would love that.
	That'd be great.
	We could sell out the Mahalia or...
	That sanger might be cool.
	Ooh, Miu Patton.
	That could be fun.
	My dad's kid from his first marriage bought that place.
	What?
	He used to own that bar right there on your shirt, Tipin.
	Tipatinas?
	My dad's son from his first marriage, yeah.
	Oh, so a half-brother?
	Yeah, half-brother.
	He's like, he died.
	He accidentally died in the woods.
	He accidentally got shot, but he was like 68 or 70. I think he got wild months ago.
	He must have been a big hitter.
	Yeah, they did well.
	It was crazy because we didn't have anything.
	We had this old dad and he had this other family from, you know, 30 years earlier.
	That's wild.
	And they owned Tipatinas and they owned all this nice stuff.
	So could you come into town and get kind of wined and dine?
	No.
	Ah, that's wild.
	Yeah, but he didn't have that.
	Damn.
	But I had like a common enemy, though.
	I was like, oh, fuck them.
	There you go.
	Yeah, I thought you were my half-bro.
	You're going to hook me up with some tickets?
	Yeah, get me in there, dude.
	I want to see disco biscuits tonight.
	I want to see Bag of Donuts.
	Yeah.
	Remember them?
	Oh, dude, remember them?
	They played nine of my proms.
	They're the only band.
	Them and Cowboy Mouth.
	Yes.
	And we had Better Than Ezra, I think.
	Better Than Ezra, I really liked it.
	I did too.
	I remember running through the wedged.
	Falling a step behind.
	That's all I knew.
	Yeah, me too.
	They would be at nine things.
	They'd be at a funeral.
	They'd be at an ICU opening.
	Yeah.
	Christening.
	Yeah, everything.
	What's going on?
	Then they had the Radiators was a big thing.
	Yeah, Radiators.
	They opened up a restaurant on the North Shore of Mandeville called Mandy's Restaurant.
	Oh, shit.
	I didn't know that.
	On the grilled biscuits, bro.
	So good.
	All right.
	Frank from the Radiators owns it.
	And then they had the Brass Band.
	Rebirth.
	Rebirth.
	Rebirth was big.
	Rebirth, yeah.
	About 10 years ago or 12 years ago, they really got on a national level.
	Yeah, that's right.
	They played on all the football games and stuff.
	Wow.
	Good for them.
	I used them in my first special.
	I played Rebirth to open it up.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah.
	Dude, I played Ricky B. Oh, shit.
	Never shake it for you hoodie?
	Yeah, of course.
	I grew up on that song.
	Yeah, dude.
	Bounce rap.
	Yeah.
	What was it?
	Partners in Crime.
	PNC.
	That was that new misdemeanor with the fucking goat.
	Yes.
	Holy shit.
	This is my whole sock hop.
	I don't love him hose, I don't love them hoes.
	And they all had dance, certain dance moves with them and shit.
	I knew all that stuff.
	Dude, they played I Don't Love Him Hoes, bro.
	No joke at my uncle's funeral, dude.
	How crazy is that?
	Like, that's Louisiana, dude.
	Yeah, yeah, bro.
	Oh, we used to go to a fucking, what was that, Miso Horny?
	What's that band?
	Two Live Crew.
	Oh, that's a great show.
	Yeah.
	One of them was on Tom Segura's podcast recently.
	Oh, shit.
	Your mom's house?
	Live, I think.
	Lonnie Live or whatever that man's name was.
	Oh, wow.
	Or it might have been Crew.
	I don't know who it was.
	One of them, dude.
	Yeah.
	Good times.
	What bag of donuts?
	They were pretty good.
	I wonder if they moved on and did something.
	They were always shooting toilet paper at the end.
	They had that toilet paper gun.
	And I think that's a point where people didn't take them as seriously.
	They became like hype men.
	Yes.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, they were a great, like, I remember they'd come over to the North Shore and play and people would go nuts.
	Go nuts.
	Bag of donuts is coming.
	Yeah.
	I saw them.
	Frat party, and I was like, how'd you get them?
	Holy shit, you guys have some money.
	Yeah.
	Or who was that guy?
	I don't want to book the work.
	And then I got high.
	Afro Man.
	He was big.
	I don't think he was from there, but he blew up there.
	Want to be my Yazaboo?
	I got high.
	Bro, I saw him one time.
	He was so drunk on a stage, he vomited in his hat and just threw it off the back of the stage and just kept saying At Old Miss University.
	Wow.
	I saw him live once, and he had all these other songs, and everybody's kind of like, all right.
	Then he played I Got High, and everybody's like, yeah!
	And then he went back to the other one and we're like, all right, let's get out of here.
	I felt bad for him.
	That's all they wanted to hear.
	I mean, let's be honest.
	Dude, yeah, man.
	And one thing I loved about being around Louisiana, especially in Orange, was just going to get oysters.
	That was something that was nice all the time.
	Love an oyster on the half shell.
	A lot of people don't like it.
	Yeah, it's crazy.
	I mean, I get it.
	It is a gooey, snotty thing out of a shell.
	It's got a weird consistency.
	It's like a Lugie.
	It's a skay.
	But a girl will give a blowjob.
	He ain't going to have an oyster, dude.
	I'm out of here.
	Good point.
	Good point.
	Sometimes I'll break an oyster out of the fridge just to see what her vibe is.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I love them, but I think you got to grow up with them.
	Yeah.
	Same with Crawford.
	You're like, why do you waste time?
	We're at a table.
	We got a keg of beer.
	We're throwing shells in the hole in the table.
	It's great.
	Yeah, everybody's got sinuses.
	Somebody's fat uncle came over and he's in a boot.
	Right, right.
	That's the crazy slow walking.
	Right.
	Fucking Buzz Aldrin ass dude shows up, bro.
	Yeah, your nana's there.
	You got to peel them for her.
	She was friends with Rosa Parks, you know.
	She can't even see.
	Yeah.
	Or throw Parks, which is my nickname for Cam Newton.
	Ooh, I like it.
	They're pretty good.
	That's pretty good.
	With the headdress, it's okay.
	He's hot.
	He's a hot black man.
	What do you think happens to Drew Brees, man?
	Do you have any insights?
	I think he had a good run.
	I think his hair is going, and I think he's a cool dude, and he's great for the city.
	But, I mean, I think time has come.
	Yeah.
	A lot of people think it, man.
	I mean, he completed 73% of his passes last year.
	That's the crazy part.
	That's great.
	Right?
	Yeah.
	That's great.
	That's a C. Yeah.
	Yeah, it's a C. That's an A plus.
	A plus.
	No, I like Drew.
	I'm a big guy.
	He's like the mayor.
	You know, if he came down to New Orleans in a convertible and just waved, I mean, the fucking shut buildings would shut down and people would jump out of windows.
	I mean, he's the guy.
	Yeah, he's fun to watch on Instagram.
	He has his kids and stuff.
	Oh, I got a five-year-old.
	He's got three or four kids on there.
	He's got three little boys and a little girl.
	Does he know you?
	I'll tell you this, the only time I ever met him was at Lucy's.
	Scott Fegeta, who's a football player for the Saints, brought him out to the comedy show one night at Lucy's.
	Wow.
	He might have been on stage, too.
	And then Scott afterwards, he stayed for the whole show.
	One of the worst long 22 comedians in the lineup.
	I got named Cornbread.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Red Bean, Dust Muppet.
	Rude Boy.
	Yeah, Arteriosclerosis, dude, this black set of twins.
	Cheat root.
	Oh, no, actually, he was Greek, I think.
	Arterio was Greek.
	That sounds more Greek.
	Yeah, that was a shit show.
	And they brought, and then afterwards, Scott said, oh, hey, this is the new quarterback.
	This is Drew.
	Wow.
	So you saw a young Drew.
	And he was nice.
	Yeah, he just shook hands.
	He had on a hat.
	And nobody knew who he, nobody was.
	I mean, people knew, but nobody like.
	New New.
	New New.
	Yeah, yeah.
	By the way, it's got to suck to be Scott Fegeta because everybody's going, Fajita?
	Nah, Vegeta.
	Yeah.
	Fajita, Vegeta.
	Unless he opened up a restaurant after.
	Nah, you're sizzling Vegetas.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, that's not bad.
	Come get these Fejitas in your mouth.
	Is there anything better than a Fajita plate?
	That sizzle coming out.
	The piping hot.
	It's bubbling and crackling.
	It's got the smoke.
	Everybody at the table's jealous.
	Like, damn it.
	I got a fucking.
	I got the wonton.
	Yeah, I got enchiladas here.
	You're sizzling.
	Yeah, I used to think it was a Mexican birthday cake when they brought it out because I didn't know what was going on.
	Right.
	It shows up and you blow on it.
	Yeah.
	You make a wish.
	Mark Norman, thanks for coming in.
	Man, are you coming up?
	Where are you going to be?
	Are you coming up in some schools?
	When's this come out?
	Tomorrow.
	Oh, great.
	I'm at the La Jolla Comedy Store tonight.
	Okay, great.
	And all weekend, and I'm doing the road, and I'm finally selling tickets for the love of a la.
	Jesus.
	But all my dates are on marknormancomedy.com.
	Are they?
	And I got my own podcast called Tuesdays with Stories.
	See me in New York.
	Follow me on Instagram.
	Cleef, Anal, Seaman.
	Go nuts.
	We'd love to have you.
	I'm all over the road this year.
	So check that out.
	Say yes.
	So just don't drive behind him is what he's saying.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I've been drinking.
	So be careful out there.
	But I'm on a moped, so you'll probably kill me before I kill you.
	You name it.
	I'm coming.
	Chicago, Utah, Royal Oak, all the good ones.
	Cool.
	Thank you guys.
	Yeah, thank you guys for being here, man.
	Thanks, Mark.
	Yeah, it's fun, man.
	Praise Allah.
	good.
	Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
	I must be cornerstone.
	Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.
	I I can feel it in my bones.
	But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking break and let myself on wine shine that light on me.
	I'll sit and tell you my story just to wait.
	Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
	The answer may shock you.
	Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
	Sometimes I won't.
	And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in My head.
	You have three new voice messages.
	A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
	I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
	So great.
	Aye, Suiar.
	Easy deal.
	Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
	Jermaine.
	Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
	Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
	Oh, no!
	Whoa!
	I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
	Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

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