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Jan. 23, 2020 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von

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Bobby Lee 3 | This Past Weekend #256

Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ Bobby Lee https://instagram.com/bobbyleelive ----------------------------------------------------------- This episode brought to you by… Betterhelp Visit https://BetterHelp.com/Theo for 10% off your first month Skillshare Visit https://skillshare.com/theovon for 2 months of unlimited classes ----------------------------------------------------------- Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw ----------------------------------------------------------- Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis ----------------------------------------------------------- Music “Shine” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn ----------------------------------------------------------- Gunt Squad www.patreon.com/theovon Name Aaron Rasche Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Bmayer Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alexa harvey Andrew Valish Anthony Holcombe Ashley Konicki Ashley M Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Herron Benjamin Streit Bobby Hogan Brandon Woolsey Brian meek Christopher Becking Cody Anderson Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Crystal Dan Draper Dan Perdue David Christopher Dentist the menace Devin James Cornwell Dionne Enoch Doug C Dusty Baker Eric Tobey Felicity Black Gillian Neale Ginger Levesque Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter James Schneider Jameson Flood Jayme Sta Jeremy Weiner Joakim Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joey Piemonte John Kutch Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan Josh Nemeyer Joy Hammonds Julie Ogden Justin Doerr Justin L Kaylyn Dudich Kenton call Kirk Cahill Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Lawrence Abinosa Lea Rashka Leighton Fields LJ Logan Yakemchuk Madeline Matthews Marisa Bruno Matt Nichols Meaghan Lewis Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mona McCune Nick Roma Noah Bissell NYCWendy1 OK Passenger Shaming Qie Jenkins Ryan Hawkins Sagar Jha Sean Scott Shane Pacheco Shona MacArthur Stephen Trottier Suzanne O'Reilly Taryn Feingold Theo Wren Thomas Adair Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Tito Liebowitz Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tugzy Mills Vanessa Amaya Victor I tuck back and sit down to pee Johnson II Vince Gonsalves Vincent Gil Vlog Master William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time	Text
	Today's guest is a small hero of sorts.
	He's the kind of boy man that sometimes you just imagine is just scurrying through your garden and stealing squashes or stealing a couple karates, you know it.
	He is part of the Tiger Belly podcast.
	He's the tiger with the belly comedian, actor, effervescent human, Mr. Bobby Lee.
	Oh, wow.
	That little curry squirrel himself, boy, what's up, Bucka?
	You know what, bro?
	Papa needs an apology, I think.
	He does?
	Yeah, because you started a war with Papa, right?
	Now, on the streets, people call me Theo Wong.
	Oh, yeah, they do.
	Yeah, everywhere I go.
	I want to say something about hair.
	They call you Tele Rehaire.
	But let me tell you something, bro.
	You've been to Nam, bro?
	Huh?
	I have been.
	You've been, right?
	Yeah.
	They've been doing this haircut for years.
	You see Platoon?
	Paul Pot.
	They all did this shit.
	Ho Chi Minh bro?
	So what I'm saying is that I didn't steal it from you.
	I stole it from the greats.
	Wait, but here's the thing, bro.
	You coming into, you know, the world we live in, bro.
	There's only so many types of styles.
	Everybody has a style.
	Right.
	You know, everybody has a like Chris Delia has that kind of like Rick Springsfield, kind of concrete ballerina.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	You got your boy Slick Red over there.
	Fucking.
	Oh, that freak.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, he's got that gang.
	Well, redheads can't do nothing.
	That ganger, bro.
	They can do two things.
	The one he has and the Ron Howard.
	Yeah, he's got that Ron Howard.
	You got to go bald to do Ron Howard.
	Right, right.
	But let me say something to you, my friend.
	Yeah, say something.
	We've been waiting for decades to hear whatever it is.
	What are you saying, right?
	Look at Bieber, right?
	You know the Bieber?
	Who, Justin Bieber?
	No, Franklin Bieber.
	Yeah.
	You don't know Frankie?
	No, Justin Bieber, bro.
	JB, yeah.
	JB, dude.
	Remember his haircut?
	They always said that's the Bieber cut, right?
	That bulk crossover, you know, a comb over.
	But the Chinese have been doing that for 2,000 years, bro.
	You can't just call the Bieber out of nowhere.
	So what I'm saying is the mullet ain't Theo Vaughn.
	It's just a mullet.
	But here's the thing, bro.
	It's not a mullet, okay?
	It is a display of your heart.
	It's a display of your ambiance, bro.
	It's a display of your freaking virility and your possibility.
	Yeah.
	You know?
	It's that fucking, bro, it's that three-inch baby cape.
	Bro, you got to let that thing dangle.
	Right.
	Do you feel better with it?
	You must feel more empowered.
	I feel much more empowered.
	I feel like I can bang southern chicks better.
	Really?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	You can definitely run out of gas.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I just feel like I can go to a trailer and just rip up holes.
	You know what I mean?
	Whether it be, you know, a pillow or a woman, it doesn't matter.
	Oh, some reverse drops.
	Right, right.
	Yeah, just ta-ta anything, you know?
	I like that.
	But my point is, is that maybe you're right.
	Maybe I did it because you're so, you're, you know, I admire you.
	It's hard to say.
	What?
	That I admire you.
	Oh, dude.
	Oh, yeah.
	Admire.
	Immire you.
	You're making it one word.
	I understand that.
	But here's the thing.
	Some people, you come with a certain style, then people are going to say you're a certain thing.
	You cornrow your pussy hair.
	People are going to say you're Tiffany Haddish.
	You shave off all your body hair.
	You eat elk.
	People are going to say you're Joey Rhodes.
	If you see a fat fro, Eric Griffin.
	Yeah, you're Eric Griffin.
	With little fucking, he probably bedazzles it.
	That's complaining a lot, man.
	He complains a lot.
	Ah, bro.
	Oh, bro.
	I love him, but fuck, dude.
	That fat fuck.
	Is he still fat?
	I don't think so.
	But that's not really fat.
	It's just the sickle cell anemia in his body.
	You know what I mean?
	That's causing the weight.
	They used to have an urban show, Sickle Cell Saturday, I remember.
	And it was urban comedy.
	Where?
	In Memphis.
	Oh, really?
	Sickle Cell Saturday?
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	In Memphis, man.
	Do you do good in front of black people?
	I don't mind.
	I mean, black people don't...
	Do they support any white entertainment?
	Yeah, I mean, I just played Irvine, and I had one black per show.
	Irvine's hard.
	That guy comes to my show.
	Yeah, yeah, Steve.
	Yeah, Steve, yeah.
	Steve Smith.
	He was adopted.
	So Steve was there at my shows at Irvine every show.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, but whenever I see groups of black African-American, what do you call it?
	Black?
	I say black friends or urban gentlemen.
	Yeah, or the first 48. That's what I mean.
	But when they come, I get really excited.
	You do?
	Yeah, because it's like, you know, I'm reaching, you know, I like to reach everybody.
	I know I do gookie jokes on, you know, on stage.
	I don't think you do, man.
	Thanks.
	You've been doing a lot of new stuff.
	Some, you know, because I have to do a special, I think, eventually here.
	Oh, yeah.
	So many fucking.
	I like new haircut, new special.
	Yeah.
	Bro, I want to.
	But do you think that black?
	I feel like white people support a ton of black entertainment.
	They do.
	I don't feel like black, that there's the same as the reverse way.
	Do you feel that way?
	Well, you know, you have different kinds of blacks, right?
	You have the ones that are like Nigeria.
	No, Nigeria.
	Or Gerard Carmichael E. Yeah, the thinking black.
	Okay.
	T-B-T-E-C-B.
	They can beat you in chess at any moment.
	Right.
	Right?
	Right.
	But then you got the Aaron Hernandez, people that hung out with Aaron Hernandez.
	Yeah.
	Those types.
	Oh, yeah.
	They'll hide the truck for them.
	Snicker and whatever.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Right.
	Snicker and Tater or whatever that boy's name is.
	Yeah, so I can't reach them.
	Right.
	I love them.
	You can't get that urban, urban audience.
	Yeah, I want them.
	That's Mike Epps audience.
	Yeah, the Gary Owen audience.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	you know so you know I wanna you know I get a lot but do you think though overall I mean and you also do You getting weight?
	No, why?
	Your face is chunky.
	Oh, I'll probably have to pop a few zits.
	Um, do you feel I'm serious, bro?
	I need to get some.
	I see your cheeks, it's good.
	Really?
	Yeah, you felt you look gaunt earlier, like a couple of months ago.
	He dying from AIDS or something.
	Oh, no, dude.
	Yeah, but then he got, he got, you know, what kind of AIDS?
	Bud AIDS?
	No, Freddie Mercury AIDS, the good kind.
	Oh, singing AIDS?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, you got the singing AIDS.
	I'll take that, bro.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I'll take singing AIDS any day.
	What was your question about the?
	Are black people and Asian people getting along?
	What's going on there?
	I'm not getting it.
	What are you talking about?
	I'm just seeing.
	I'll tell you the history of it.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	For many, many years, Asians would open up liquor stores in urban areas, right?
	And then accuse them of shit.
	Accuse who?
	Well, the Asians would accuse the black people of shit.
	Of what?
	Like taking now and laters and stuff?
	Yeah.
	Or like, you know, no browsing.
	Oh, yeah.
	And you touch, you buy.
	Oh, that kind of shit.
	It's like, bitch, I want to pick up my candy bar and look at the fucking, you know, calorie count and shit.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	So they would do that, black people, and they would go, you touch, you buy.
	Or you browse in liquor stores.
	You don't just go in and go right to the Kit Kats.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	Maybe I want to look at the fucking, you know, the coconut.
	The coconut juice.
	Right, right.
	Coconut milk or something.
	Oh, right.
	Lemon.
	Yeah.
	So then what happened was they were doing all that shit because I go to this Korean spa and before they wouldn't even let black people in there.
	But then what happened was, bro, the riots.
	And then the black people burned the liquor stores down.
	Why?
	Just because.
	Why would you burn all the liquor?
	I don't know, bro.
	They're flammable.
	Yeah, but still, why would you burn all the liquor?
	I don't know, but they did.
	You know what I mean?
	They burned it down to the ground.
	But dude, tell me if you guys are getting along enough.
	I'm going to get to the history.
	So it says sounding in it.
	So then what happened was, dude, then, you know, after that, Koreans softened.
	Right?
	And then after that, right, rush hour came out.
	Yeah, and then that, we can solve crimes together now.
	Jackie Chan, Jackie Brown.
	Right, right, right.
	We can, like, you know, we don't understand each other.
	We're in the cop car, but we can still solve the shit.
	Oh, shoot things.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Hey, man, I don't get me.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah, right.
	Don't worry, motherfucker.
	All that stuff.
	So then after that, everything's cool now.
	I like that.
	Yeah, you like that?
	Now, somebody said that a black friend told me that Chinese people are like the black people of Asia.
	Is that true?
	Or is that, what is that?
	Have you ever heard that?
	You just say Chinese people are the black people of Asia?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Aside from the fact they don't have black dicks.
	Chinese don't?
	Bro, who's going, who's got that large meat on the Asian side?
	Oh, Filipinos for sure.
	Really?
	Because they're mixed in with like- Yeah, dude.
	Because the Spanish, because they were like invaded so much, occupied, bro, that like, you know, if you get invaded enough, you'll get outvaded a little.
	Right?
	Yeah.
	The Spanish in the Filipino hole.
	You know how babies are made.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Right?
	And they squirt inside.
	Right?
	And then, and then thud the black dick.
	Oh.
	Right.
	So, you know, they were colonized.
	Places that are colonized are mixed in with shit.
	I wish black African nations colonized more.
	Yeah.
	Because maybe I'd have a bigger dick.
	If the black people, they do a little bit.
	They have the Barclay Center.
	I don't know if you've seen that.
	He's definitely getting hella herb.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	No, but I just, I've never had the ability to ask someone who's Asian or semi-Asian what it's like to have, like what that relationship is like between black and Asian people.
	Yeah, I mean, you know, it's more hostile between Asians and Asians, brah.
	Really?
	Yeah, I mean, because my dad growing up, he gave me a list of the best.
	And R.I.P.
	your dad, man.
	You're dad.
	Oh, yeah, thanks, man.
	But he used to give me the list of the best ethnicities from best to worst.
	Right?
	So it went, number one was Korean, because that's what we are.
	Number two, it went Japanese.
	And Jays, huh?
	Number three was like cockroach.
	Oh, damn.
	Right.
	Then four was white.
	Right.
	Five was snakes.
	Oh, nah, bro.
	That's real.
	Six donkeys, seven Mexicans.
	Right?
	But out of, he made a list of 100, black people weren't even on the list.
	Yeah, yeah.
	They weren't even on the list, bro.
	I'm racist and this is racist.
	I know, but I'm not, my list is blacks number one, bro.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	Alan Iverson.
	Right.
	Alan Iverson, number one.
	Nas X. Nassex number two.
	Regular Nas.
	Regular Nas.
	Right.
	Big Kim.
	Oh, yeah.
	Not Little Kim, but Big Kim.
	She was always Big Kim.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Big Iverson.
	Big vagina.
	Big vagina.
	Yeah, dude.
	Yeah, but no, but because that's you.
	So my dad comes from a generation of Korean dudes.
	And they had beef with black people.
	Well, their number one beef ultimately, though, was with Japanese.
	And, you know, because they tortured us for 50, 60 years.
	No way.
	Yeah, they really?
	Oh, bro.
	My dad used to tell me some stories that will fuck your mind up, bro.
	I'm sorry about that.
	I didn't do it.
	No, I'm just sorry that it happened.
	I feel bad that I didn't know that happened.
	What do you mean?
	I don't know about history?
	Huh?
	You know what's the most fucked up thing, bro?
	So the Jap, bro.
	So the Japanese, right?
	Occupy Korea for all that time.
	The Japanese are very sneaky, huh?
	Oh, they're the sneakiest.
	Pearl Harbor, bro.
	Yeah.
	They were sleeping.
	You know what I mean?
	Oh, sleepy, sleepy.
	Right.
	That is going to buy you up.
	Yeah.
	Hunt.
	Right.
	They did all that.
	They're sneaky little fuck.
	You know what I call them sneaky chopsticks?
	Yeah, they're little sneaky chopsticks, bro.
	Man.
	But they make good ninjas.
	That's why.
	They do, huh?
	Yeah.
	But I guess because they have so much sneak in them.
	That's right.
	Right.
	And because, I don't know why they wear the masks.
	Yeah.
	Why?
	Because, you know, they all look the same.
	Right.
	You're not going to see a tree with a ninja on it and go, with no mask and go, hey, is that Frank Yamamoto?
	You're going to go, no, ninja, or whatever, right?
	Ninja guy, yeah.
	Yeah, dude.
	So here's the thing.
	So, so the Japanese occupied Korea for 50, 60 years.
	Oh, my God.
	they would go over there and they would take, I swear to fucking God, they would take all their rice.
	And that's their favorite.
	Yeah.
	Don't take our rice.
	It's like going to Italy and taking their pasta.
	Yeah, borrowing your salt, coming in and borrowing my salt.
	Yeah, right.
	So then what happened was a lot of Korean families, they went to Japan.
	They took their families.
	Strike back?
	No, to go where the food was.
	But then there was a lot of Korean families when Hiroshima and Nagasaki fell, bro.
	So they all died too.
	So imagine that, bro.
	You're right.
	I can imagine that.
	Yeah, finally, we found the rice.
	And they look up in the sky.
	Holy fuck.
	Yeah.
	Grilled rice tonight.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, yeah.
	God, dude.
	Super fried.
	So, but now everything's pretty good between Asian cultures or what is it like right now?
	I think, no, I think people are like, well, you know, I used to say certain things back in the day.
	I got in a lot of trouble, bro.
	The one thing I said, I said one time 15 years ago that the Vietnamese were Jungle Asians.
	That's all I said.
	JAs, they call them.
	Yeah.
	Pull up a JA, see what happens to Vietnam.
	But then what happened was, dude, I had to go to every Vietnamese news outlet and do apologies.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah, because it's like not right.
	I don't know why Jungle Asian is bad.
	I think it sounds like the best kind of thing.
	They're the best kind, by the way.
	Jungle Asian.
	It's not going to be fun, man.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That's the thing.
	Nobody, like, here's the thing.
	Racism, if you're actually racist where you're out throwing like a, like a, like a lance at somebody or you're, you know, opening up their door and sneaking, you know, swording their freaking grandparents and shit.
	Right.
	No way.
	But if you're just mildly racist passing through town, dude.
	Right.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Like, there's a certain, it's not racism.
	There's a certain level of like, hey, it's okay to like joke around about stuff.
	Yeah, to your friends.
	Yeah.
	You can't like, you know, the other day I was with, what's that little black, little midget black guy that, he was in the Chappelle show.
	Oh, I know you're talking about Donnell Rollins.
	Donnell Rollins.
	Yeah, the little dwarf.
	The little dwarf.
	He's getting taller, though.
	What is he?
	4'11?
	He's 5'2.
	Yeah, I know, but he was 4'7.
	He's so left.
	Yeah, so we sprinkle water on him.
	He grows, right?
	But that little midget black guy, right, Donnell, we were hanging out, and I said, hey, little man, right?
	Because he was really loud.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	You know, because he hangs out with Brad Williams and all those little tribes.
	And I go, hey, little man.
	And he was loud.
	And I go, we're in a movie theater.
	And we all laughed or whatever, right?
	It's a stereotype.
	But you can't go up to some random black dude in a restaurant and say that.
	Like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Quiet down in here, you know?
	Yeah.
	They say Bridges of Madison County.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	Which is like Torres Strait Ford.
	They love that movie.
	They do.
	Yeah.
	Dude, Harlan Wayans, his favorite movie.
	What?
	Bridges of Madison County.
	And his second favorite is Dr. Javago, bro.
	Really?
	He loved epic romantic movies, Russian.
	Yeah, man.
	But my point is that...
	I'm trying to follow.
	You following me, bro.
	What I'm saying, though, is that we've gotten so fucking sensitive in our society, right?
	And it's like, you know, I gauge it based on because I have a lot of black friends, white dudes like you, you know, you, the lead, you know, Tentino.
	I have a lot of Asian friends.
	And we all amongst each other, you know, you guys say the most racist shit to me.
	And I laugh because it's out of pure love.
	Yeah.
	Right.
	And they've been doing that back in the day.
	You know what I mean?
	I bet you back in India or like South Africa when Indians were there and all the people from Morocco and they would make fun of each other.
	Yeah.
	They're having fun.
	They're having fun.
	And it's like, we cannot, you know, nowadays, you know, you can't body shame or nothing.
	I think you can lightly body shame, I think.
	Here's somebody right here who has a question, man.
	And this is a young man.
	Was he listening in or no?
	No, but it's very related.
	Okay, go ahead.
	Hey, guys.
	All my groups of friends are quite similar to yours in terms of we always make fun of each other.
	We tease each other.
	We're very close, but there's always teasing going around.
	But there are certain topics that are off limits for jokes, you know, like dead relatives.
	So we don't really joke about that kind of stuff.
	So I was just kind of wondering whether your groups of friends, you know, are there any topics that are off limits in terms of jokes?
	And yeah, are there any topics you basically stay away from when you do joke around?
	Thanks.
	Gang Gang, brother.
	Gang Gang, brother.
	What's gang gang?
	Gang means, it just means that we're together as a group and that we are all good.
	Okay, good.
	Yeah.
	Thank you.
	Yeah, man.
	First of all, that guy has an accent.
	And I want to say this, Bobby.
	This is on behalf of a couple of different nations that I went to recently.
	There is people that are really wanting to see you in other countries.
	No.
	Yeah.
	I was just saying.
	No, I agree with you.
	Bobby, I'm just saying no.
	The number one person they asked for.
	Bobby.
	I like that guy.
	Let me tell you something right now.
	Yeah, all right, bro.
	They all wanted it, bro.
	Give us Bobby.
	Yeah.
	But here's the thing.
	My fear is that I'm going to go.
	You're going to say, go to Germany.
	I go there.
	Three people show up.
	You know what I mean?
	And then you're going to be laughing here in LA.
	I don't trust it.
	I need the science and the data, bro.
	I am the data, bro.
	I come bearing data.
	They want you, Bobby.
	There's people coming up to me in Scotland.
	They're like, so who do I call?
	Huh?
	Who do I call?
	Connor?
	Who the fuck do I call?
	Yeah, call Connor.
	Call Darren Till.
	Call the embassy, dude.
	Call Shazwan Jack or whoever you're freaking people.
	You'll help me out with that or no?
	Bro, they want you.
	I'm not joking.
	Everybody's like, where's Bobby?
	Send him over.
	Tell him we love him.
	Okay, okay, okay.
	The most requested.
	Thank you.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I'll go.
	Back to this fuck, though.
	Okay.
	Yeah, this guy.
	Not this beautiful guy.
	He's from another country.
	Right.
	Could be anywhere.
	See, here's the thing To me, I do.
	Yeah.
	I don't know why I just said it that way.
	And that's him right there.
	Is that the guy from Lord of the Stones or whatever?
	What is it called?
	Lord of the Dance?
	No, that's the dude from Bleachers.
	He's the lead singer.
	Lord of the Flies?
	Harry Potter?
	No.
	Lord of the Rings.
	Rings?
	Lord of the Rings, yes.
	Lord of the Rings, bro.
	That's a good thing.
	Stan Ratcliffe.
	Yes, Lord of the Rings.
	Is that him?
	What does this guy want to know?
	I'll tell you what he wants to know.
	Okay.
	Is anything off-limits?
	With your friends.
	With our friends.
	So here's the deal, bro.
	You know how I was molested by a guy with Down syndrome?
	Yeah, it is one of my favorite things about you, honestly.
	Because I can relate to it.
	Right.
	But if you make fun of me with that, you know I'm open to it.
	Correct.
	But you don't make fun of my dead dad because he just died.
	Right.
	But how long after he's dead can you talk about it?
	Next week.
	Really?
	Yeah, you can do it next week.
	But dude, you though, but do you feel like we use humor as a way for like?
	Well, there's two things I want to talk about.
	First of all, let me answer the guy's question.
	Do we think that there's things that are off limits?
	I think calling somebody N-word is off limits.
	100%.
	Okay.
	Yeah, because it's like there's nothing funny about it.
	And if you call a Jewish person a money N-word, I think that's off limits.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	But I think Uyghur is good.
	I think Uyghur is good.
	Some guy hit me up about Wigger the other day.
	Yeah, I think Uyghur's okay.
	I think it's okay.
	I think anything that you can call white people is okay.
	Yeah.
	Cracker is okay.
	Because you guys don't have a lot of fucking things we can call you.
	I don't like redneck, though.
	I think it's kind of offensive a little bit, but...
	But it's also, it's not really my cult.
	You're a woke redneck.
	I mean, yeah, I just never really was in that, you know?
	But it's not like that, that you've been to Nashville.
	I've been to Nashville.
	I've been to the South, bro.
	They're all fucking like us.
	They're just like us.
	It's just like us.
	That's the thing.
	Nobody, like, the news always makes it like everybody's all like at each other's.
	Nobody's really like that.
	Yeah, dude.
	You know what?
	I've been soul searching, you know what I mean?
	Because, you know, I automatically hate anybody that likes Trump, for instance.
	It's a real hot-button issue for me.
	Is it really?
	It used to be.
	But I've been like kind of stepping back at it and go, you know, I don't know why people, I don't know, I've never been in their shoes.
	I don't know what their lives are like or what brought them to the point where they like the guy.
	They might see qualities that I'm just not aware of or whatnot.
	And I'm going to accept the fact that they're like that.
	You know what I mean?
	And just, you know, it is what it is.
	That doesn't necessarily mean that they're a bad person or that, you know, because a lot of them, like, I'll look and they'll go, Trump, 2020.
	But then they'll have like, they're really tender with animals.
	Yeah.
	Right.
	So it's like, it's not, you know, it's not black and white for me now.
	No, it's not as black and white as people were thinking that that kind of stuff is.
	Yeah.
	It's like, I know, let me, I know somebody on this wall who I think is gay.
	Okay.
	Let me look who it is.
	No, no, no, no.
	We're not doing that right now.
	Lee Sayat?
	That's him.
	How do you know that?
	But what I'm saying is.
	Oh, I know who it is, dude.
	Right, right.
	So, but, you know, it's somebody that doesn't want to share that information.
	So I would never bring it up or prod this woman.
	Yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	So my point is, is that, and with you.
	Bill Burr's wife.
	Yeah.
	That's it.
	Is it?
	Yeah.
	Full-blown les.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	But my point is, is that, so you know instinctually.
	Chris DeStefano's daughter.
	The only person I'm doing.
	Yeah, yeah.
	No, okay, go on.
	No, are there things that you have thought about making fun of me about, but you thought that I would be hurt by it?
	No, I say those things.
	Like, sometimes I'll say, dude, I'm going to drop you off at every American Legion or every like VFW around America.
	You know?
	Yeah, yeah.
	And let's see those boys finish the war.
	Right, right, right, right.
	Yeah, that.
	I kind of share ideas that I have with them.
	Right.
	And for me, dude, I ain't Vietnamese.
	Right.
	Right.
	So I get that it's a joke, right?
	It's like, you know, Dice, Andrew Dice Clay, for 25 years, he called me Ching.
	Yeah.
	Right.
	And one day I just.
	Like the sound or like an Asian slur, you think?
	I don't know.
	Ching?
	I don't think Ching is great, kind of.
	Right, right.
	But one day he goes, you know my name, right?
	This is after 15 years.
	My name is Bobby.
	You know that, right?
	He goes, yeah, what?
	And I go, but you call me Ching.
	And he goes, it says Chi Ching, your money.
	Right?
	And so it's like, it's fine.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	So it's like, I know where people's hearts at.
	Now, if somebody called me Ching and they were hanging me by a rope on a tree or putting out a bunch of stuff to make a railroad, you know, me and Santina are fucking building shit.
	Yeah, dude.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	Chingy.
	Or if Chingy, what if it was Chingy, the rapper?
	That'd be fine.
	Yeah.
	Where is Chingy?
	I'll look it up.
	I have a question about it.
	We were going to do a segment on King and the Sting where people sent in their tattoos and they tell us about it and Brendan and Theo would roast it and we wanted to call it Chink My Ink.
	It had nothing to do with race.
	Yeah.
	Like find the chinks in my ink.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	It's fine.
	It's fine because there's no Asians there.
	That's what I said.
	Yeah.
	So did you air it like that?
	know there was some internal strife some people a couple of people in the email chain kind of but but but but but but but but check it out check it out it out.
	The reason fucking The reason why I fucking did podcasts to begin with is to be free.
	Right?
	Because the thing is, is that I've done every aspect of showbiz.
	Yeah, right?
	Skating?
	Do you ever do?
	You never did show skating, did you?
	You know what I fucking mean by it.
	What?
	Yeah, dude.
	Dude, spread your fingers farther apart if you're going to talk to me.
	No, dude.
	But my point is, I have carpole.
	You do?
	Yeah, bro.
	Oh, I can easily see that.
	Yeah.
	But my point is, is that the reason why I fucking did a podcast Is to be utterly free.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	And so if we're now editing and listening to a board or groups of people going, you can't say this and that, then we're not exercising our right to say whatever we fucking want to, bro.
	Right?
	So it's like, fuck that.
	Yeah, fuck that, dude.
	What were you talking about again?
	What was that?
	Chink in the chink.
	Chink in the ink.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Chink my ink.
	And where Chingy is right now.
	Yeah.
	And Chingy, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	My point is, you get what I'm saying, right?
	Yeah, yeah, I get it.
	And you know what not to do.
	So the guy knows, you know, what is that?
	Chingy right here.
	I've never heard of Chingy.
	What is he?
	He's saying right there.
	Right there.
	Oh, he's a cutie pie hunt.
	He was a guy who was giving directions to somebody and they just put a beat to it.
	I didn't even know what that joke went, but it was funny.
	Right there.
	I like when you do that right there.
	He was good, man.
	Chingy's good.
	Maybe he's been producing.
	He's got a beautiful picture of his children there.
	Yeah, I don't do.
	That's the thing.
	I don't know much about the rap game.
	Yeah.
	You know, I grew up listening to rock and roll, and that was strictly that.
	So I feel shamed.
	You know, the other day, somebody says, you got to listen to Notoro Big?
	Notorious Big, yeah.
	Tik Nataro.
	Tik Nakataro, and I listened to her album, man.
	It was real fucking hip-hop, bro.
	It was good.
	The flavor was good.
	Streaks.
	No, like, I was listening to Notorious Big BIG for the first time, you know, ever.
	And I loved it.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	And I've been listening to, like, Ja Rule.
	No, the guy that died.
	That was friends with Beeks.
	Beyonce?
	No.
	No.
	Oh, I knew who it is.
	Shane Randolph.
	That's him, dude.
	Shane Randolph, dude.
	That guy could throw down, bro.
	I think I saw him one time.
	In concert.
	Not in person, but.
	There's something I wanted to ask you about, Bobby.
	So.
	What's up?
	Yeah, rolling in here with this fucking fake-ass haircut, dude.
	That shit's kind of weak, you know?
	Bro.
	Can I just say something, bro?
	Yeah, of course.
	You're going to say it.
	That's just something I say.
	I know you do.
	I know you're pretty sure.
	I shifted, huh?
	Huh?
	I did shift.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Why?
	I did shift because you came in here.
	Here's a question right here from somebody who's obviously from the past, dude.
	From the 17 or 1800s, bro.
	This guy, obviously.
	Oh, shit.
	He's from the Revenant, bro.
	And his name is Grimy Gruz.
	Gang.
	Yo, Theo, you don't let this fucking guy show up with a moat on your show?
	The fuck is up with that, dude?
	Oh.
	Listen, why don't you ask him while he's there when he's going to come through and do a show on the Rotten Apple?
	Get Bobby down in New York.
	It'd be greatly appreciated.
	Love what you guys do.
	Keep it up.
	Gang.
	Gang, bro.
	I will say this.
	Big Jay Okerson has taken much better care of himself these days.
	I will easily say that.
	Yeah, dude.
	Yeah, dude.
	When are you going to go places, man?
	What is your fear of going places?
	They want you in Europe.
	You're like, I don't know, man.
	Something.
	I'm in an anthill.
	This guy wants you.
	Yeah, fuck that guy, bro.
	That bada boota bada bing guy, man.
	I don't give a fuck about that guy, man.
	Look at his lips, bro.
	They're so luscious.
	Yeah, that guy's a legend, bro.
	He takes care of his skin.
	Oh, shit.
	If he was a woman, I would eat his pussy.
	Look at that.
	Loose lips.
	So juicy.
	My point is, is this, dude?
	I don't go.
	Does he have a nice head?
	I don't go, bro, where I'm not wanted.
	But you're wanted, bro.
	From one guy, bro.
	From one guy.
	Let me say this, dude.
	When I was in New York four years ago, I played, wow, bro.
	Gotham.
	Gotham.
	Get your calendar right, bro.
	Did you buy a cheap calendar from somebody?
	No, bro.
	Four years ago, I went to Gotham.
	You're like, I was there foreman.
	George Foreman.
	I'm going to say this.
	And I did five shows there.
	The fucking third show, six people showed up.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	So I'm not going to go there and humiliate myself.
	They want you in Ireland, bro.
	They want you in London.
	They want you in Afghanistan.
	They want you in Qatar.
	They want you in.
	They do.
	They want you in Cairo, bro.
	How about this, friend?
	I will go to these places.
	But the consequences, if no one shows up, it's going to be very deep for you, bro.
	Bring it on, dude.
	No, dude, I'm being real, dude.
	They're already looking.
	Dude, if you're over there, you got my haircut.
	Just take it, man.
	This ain't taking forever, bro.
	You want the studio?
	Take it, man.
	You know what my next one is going to be, bro?
	What?
	Dreadlocks, friend.
	Is it?
	Yeah, dude.
	Love that.
	I'm going to do a dreadlock thing.
	I can see you blacking out a little bit.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, man.
	I could see you blacken up a little.
	Yeah, dude.
	What's going on with the old lady?
	How's everything good?
	Why are you asking?
	Because she's a beautiful lady.
	I just thought I would ask you.
	Here's a question right here from somebody who looks like they've been home alone a lot.
	Oh, I love incels.
	What up, Theo?
	What up, Bobby?
	Yeah.
	Company from the great white north, Canada.
	Gang.
	Gang, Bob.
	This question is for Bobby.
	What is the most unforgivable thing you've ever done?
	Gang, gang.
	Gang, gang, gang.
	This is going to be good.
	I might get.
	I can't say it.
	You get canceled?
	No, I think this, the one unforgivable thing that I've done, there was retribution.
	I did suffer the consequences of it.
	But it's a pretty long story, but I don't know if I can tell it because when I told it one time, they had to cut it out.
	It's not illegal, but it's.
	Is it like Brad Williams' story?
	Which one?
	That he told on the Burton Bill Burr podcast.
	What did he do?
	He got at the end of the rainbow and he was like the sleepover he was in with Gerald.
	What's his name?
	He was like in a bad sleepover with Carlos Mancia?
	Oh, no, no, no.
	Mine's way worse, bro.
	Okay.
	Wow.
	All right.
	You know what?
	Maybe I could tell it without the details.
	What?
	You want it or not?
	Without the details.
	You want it or not, dude?
	It's on my terms, bro.
	Without the details, bro.
	I'll take it then.
	Oh, yeah, that's Brad.
	He apologized for that.
	What did he do?
	Hello, everyone.
	He just read it?
	He did what is known in some circles as the David Blaine.
	Uh-huh.
	Yeah, apparently he said on a podcast, he made up a story on a podcast.
	Getting high with Doug.
	On Getting High with Doug that he had gone into, he was working on a tour with Carlos Mencia, and he went in, and there was a girl who was going to hook up with Carlos on the bus.
	And instead, Carlos sent Brad in, and Brad went in and had sex with the girl.
	Yeah.
	And for like 10 minutes, she didn't know that it was Brad.
	She thought it was Carlos.
	And she also sucked the bus drivers off to get on the bus.
	Allegedly.
	And a fake story.
	But did he say the name of the woman?
	This fake woman?
	No.
	So how is that in trouble?
	Well, it was just people.
	And then Eddie Ift goes, well, that's like technically rape.
	If you go in and you have sex with somebody that doesn't know you're going to have sex with them, you know?
	So then it became like a stink.
	Yeah.
	Well, first of all, no one's going to believe that story.
	Right.
	When you're saying, I was like Princess Leah and I was in space and I was able to fly around.
	Right.
	When you go back and watch the story, I believe it's obvious to any viewer or listener that, oh, he's making this up, especially when you visually watch it.
	And the question was, name something crazy that happened when you were on the road with Carlos Mencia.
	He was like searching the.
	Yeah.
	Right.
	So he made something up because he was under pressure.
	Yeah, I've done that before.
	Oh, you can see him do it.
	Yeah.
	You can see him be like, I don't know what to tell.
	And then he made up the story.
	It definitely seemed made up.
	But people like tripped on him for it.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Well, then let me try to approach this story delicately.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	Growing up, I was unfuckable.
	Right?
	I was, I grew up in a Powwe High School.
	You grew up in a beautiful area of San Diego.
	I did.
	Okay.
	Yeah, but a lot of white people, women didn't like it.
	Why weren't you in Vietnam?
	Why weren't you somewhere?
	Why weren't you closer to the fucking locusts?
	Fuck you, dude.
	You know why, bro.
	It's like saying to a black guy, how come you weren't in Nigeria?
	I just was born here.
	Okay.
	I don't have no fucking choice.
	Okay, dude.
	No, I don't.
	You know, I don't have no fucking choice.
	Sorry.
	I have no fucking choice.
	Right.
	Robert.
	No, I didn't know if you guys had come over for something or if you were on like a foreign exchange thing.
	I didn't know.
	No, dude.
	I was born, you know, out of my mom's.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Right?
	And it happened to happen in Sharp Hospital in San Diego.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah.
	American citizen, yeah.
	Yeah.
	All day, every day, yeah.
	That's what they do.
	So growing up in that environment, dude, and I was a horn dog.
	You know what I mean?
	I like to stick my dick in trees.
	Were you really?
	Really?
	Yeah, I would rub my dick against a tree.
	I would come on things.
	Make it grow.
	I could see that.
	Yeah, like trees and flowers and whatever.
	You get that thing inside you that wants to get out.
	Right.
	And when I was in high school, there was this thing called the Sadie Hawkins dance.
	No one ever asked me.
	Yeah.
	So then I graduated and I just had coffee shop jobs.
	You know, no money.
	I could see you with a broom in a coffee shop.
	Yeah.
	You know?
	I made coffee too as well.
	Yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	Sure.
	Sure, after you've been there for a couple months.
	Yeah, yeah, but just not coffee.
	I could see you with a broom in the beginning.
	Yeah, in the beginning, I cleaned shit.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And by the end, you're like the coffee guy.
	Yeah, yeah.
	No coffee for you.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	So what happened was, I worked at this restaurant.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah.
	As a waiter, bro.
	I started off as a broom guy.
	Yeah.
	And I got up, became a waiter, bro.
	And every Wednesdays, it was Tijuana Wednesdays.
	You know what that means?
	Uh-uh.
	Mexican?
	No.
	No, dude.
	All the waiters, we take our tip money and go to Adelita.
	You know what Adelita is?
	It's for a prostitute.
	It's a prostitute.
	It's a brothel in Tijuana.
	Still exists.
	Harry Measures goes there all the time.
	I think he does.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	He has actually a poster on his wall from there.
	It's crazy.
	They have a gift shop.
	People love it there, right?
	Yeah, it's crazy.
	Yeah.
	And so do people ever think that, do, do dumb people ever think that you're Mexican?
	Anyway, that's ridiculous, bro.
	Yes.
	Because I was on that TV.
	But which one is it?
	It's ridiculous or the answer is yes.
	Yes, they do think I'm Mexican.
	Yeah, easily.
	Yeah.
	I could easily see somebody, if you're driving by on a truck or something, you're going at least 35 miles an hour.
	I'm like, oh, there's a Mexican guy.
	And I'll roll down my window and go, you go Raiders.
	And I do that, right?
	Hey, bro, what's happening?
	Dude, you would be a good Mexican.
	Hey, dude, what's happening?
	So anyway, bro, right?
	I one day went there with my crew, my waiter crew, and all this military was there.
	So all the women were taking up.
	Oh, yeah.
	Scary.
	When military dudes are around, you got to really chill out.
	Right.
	Fuck.
	This is going to be a hard story to tell, man.
	I don't know if I can get around it.
	I'll try.
	You want me to try?
	Yeah, I'll tell you one.
	I'll tell one after the.
	All right, how about this, though?
	If I say this story and you think, honestly, if you think this is going to ruin me, will you cut it out?
	Yes, I will.
	You promise me?
	Yes.
	Why'd you roll your eyes, bro?
	I didn't.
	I was looking around the room really fast.
	Right.
	So these are things that I don't know for a fact, but in back of Adelita, there used to be an alleyway, Hooker Alley.
	Oh, yeah.
	And so there used to be girls that were too fat to go into Adelita.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	Or women that, like, are virgins.
	Oh, okay.
	Newbies, huh?
	Newbies, right?
	So there was this.
	Right.
	So I was walking down Hooker Alley, and there was a girl.
	For what?
	To get a girl.
	Oh, okay.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I didn't want to get a girl.
	I don't want to get bananas or anything.
	I didn't know if you were just wandering around like, you know.
	No, no, no, no.
	No, I was like, and when you walk down Hooker Alley, because some of them are really old, they'll go, you know, Mister.
	They'll grab you.
	They'll go, Mister, Mister.
	Mister, let me see the cookie, right?
	And then you go, don't touch me.
	I'm an American like that.
	Oh, damn.
	Yeah, I will do that, right?
	Hey, Mister, let me see the little yellow baby.
	Yeah.
	But at the end, there was this girl.
	You see the little peepee.
	Yeah, yeah.
	There was a girl that she seemed scared.
	Yeah.
	That's the one I wanted.
	Oh.
	Why?
	Was it Halloween or something?
	Yeah, man.
	I was wearing my chupacabra mask.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And I'm like, ah, like that, right?
	But she seemed scared, bro.
	Damn.
	So I picked her.
	You did?
	Yeah, yeah.
	Because you have to now look at the context of it.
	I never get laid.
	Right.
	This is the only way I can get laid.
	This is in 1992, 93. Long time ago.
	Oh, wow.
	Long time ago.
	A lot of people listening wasn't even born yet.
	Yeah, a lot of people, and this is a different time.
	This is a time when prostitution was king, really.
	Right, right, right.
	They were the king, right?
	So I took her to this place called Miami Hotel.
	It's the kind of place.
	You ever see the movie Seven?
	Nuh-uh.
	Is it like a Double Tree?
	Yeah, yeah.
	It's actually a movie about the Double Tree, bro.
	No, no, no.
	Seven's about Brad Pitt.
	Yeah, yeah.
	But it's grimy.
	It's got those, you know, those yellow things that stick down, the sticky stuff to catch the flies.
	Oh, yeah.
	And it's got all those pine cone air fresheners on the ceilings dangling down.
	The floor was super sticky.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	And dark.
	And there was like a bulletproof glass.
	And they go, you want a room?
	And you go, yeah, how much?
	$10, bro.
	$10?
	You get $10.
	Does it have a door on it or not?
	There's no door.
	You don't know how they get in there.
	How much is it for the door?
	Dude, I remember they used to have a motel bus and you would pay, it was probably maybe $16 for the room.
	And it was $2 for the door, dude.
	Really?
	Yeah, and you had to get the door.
	You could bring your own door, but it's the odds of it fitting.
	And they would purposely make it a different shape a little bit, like an inch off from like a basic door, you know, from your basic thoroughfare template, you know?
	Yeah.
	This is shameful.
	So we go in there.
	They give you a condom.
	Oh, they give you a condom.
	Yeah, but it's like Tijuana condom.
	Right.
	So it's gum.
	Right.
	They chew gum.
	So it's just some guy standing there like, I don't know.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, maybe.
	Maybe, maybe not.
	It's like a crossing guard.
	Like, all right.
	No, no, no.
	So then, you know, we go into the dark room.
	I stick to that.
	And how's the woman feeling?
	What is she wearing?
	I think she was wearing like a Hello Kitty shirt.
	you know what I mean?
	Oh, well, then that's But first of all, why, for kids, you can't put them in something called Hello Kitty.
	You did not expect perverts to show up.
	This is not a kid, man.
	This is an adult.
	Good.
	Good.
	This is an adult.
	So don't say kid.
	I didn't.
	You, in the beginning, Nick, do you think he, it sounded like he was talking about a kid or an adult?
	Who?
	I think he said girl, which is ambiguous, but.
	Okay.
	Woman.
	I'm glad he's.
	Fully grown woman, bro.
	Good.
	You get me?
	Oh, it's all I get.
	Okay, good.
	Okay.
	So then I stick the condom on and we make, you know, pure love.
	Okay.
	But then what happened was...
	I mean, are you guys kind of in a grooving with a sick style?
	I'm grooving with it.
	Cool as a cat.
	Okay, any music on or is it just a while?
	Or, you know what, another one is like...
	Yeah, the English part of Felice Navidad.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah.
	I want to wish you a Merry Christmas.
	You know what I mean?
	I don't do the Felice Navidad part in my head.
	From the bottom, yeah.
	Yeah, yeah.
	That's a great song, by the way.
	Probably the best Christmas tune on planet Earth.
	Really, you think that?
	Yeah, because it's for two different cultures.
	And I like being included in.
	Iraq.
	Iraq.
	All that.
	I like Vince Vance and the Valiants.
	They have a beautiful gorilla with it.
	So then, you know, I'm making sweet love to her.
	And so now there's a crack in the window.
	So the curtains are closed, but the moon is bright that way.
	So it's shining through this corner.
	The new year or anything?
	Yeah.
	Right.
	So the crack, and you see the light, it hits her face.
	And I look at her face, and she's crying.
	Oh.
	Snap bubbles the whole thing.
	Yeah.
	So I feel bad.
	You know, I'm a good guy, right?
	I feel bad.
	So I do what any good guy would do.
	I start power fucking her.
	What is happening, bro?
	Really?
	Yeah.
	So, because I want to get it over with.
	Oh, I see.
	So you start more just having sex at a higher rate.
	You could say it that way.
	Nobody's ever looked at you and been like, oh, yeah, that guy power fucks.
	Okay.
	Bro, you seem like a guy that has, that more like mousetrap fucks.
	Like one.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	So then I just, I come real quick.
	I put my clothes back on.
	I run out.
	I don't even say goodbye.
	Okay.
	So that's part one.
	The second part of the story, I call God's Revenge.
	Oh, wow.
	You want to hear God's Revenge?
	We do right after this commercial break.
	Oh, I hate to interrupt this episode, man.
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	And we're back for it.
	Sorry.
	I've never done that before, but I thought we could.
	That was really fancy.
	You nailed it.
	You nailed it.
	Bro, what are you doing down there?
	Why did you go down there?
	What?
	To the brothel.
	Why are you in this, Bobby?
	Because the thing is, is that I can't get women back then.
	This is way before I could stand up.
	Well, what about Stevie?
	Is he of women?
	Oh, no.
	He's in cell too, friend.
	Right, my little brother, but you know, he got more than I got.
	What about your mom?
	Is she letting y'all come over to even spend time at the house or anything?
	Like, you guys aren't even getting any kind of TLC or anything?
	No, nothing, bro.
	Nothing.
	What?
	Yeah, dude.
	It was hard.
	But, dude, this is the event.
	The second part of the story is the event of what drove me into doing stand-up, really.
	Okay.
	So I go back down there.
	Do you remember her name?
	No, bro.
	I don't even know what she looks like, bro.
	Jesus, what?
	No, I don't know her name.
	Don't act like I'm the bad guy.
	Yeah.
	Because I care a little bit.
	Let's give her a name.
	Stacy.
	Okay.
	Stacy.
	Yeah.
	Stacy.
	Yeah, Stacy.
	I go to find Stacy again two weeks later.
	So you had a nice time.
	I just like Stacy.
	Okay.
	Right.
	I thought we had a thing going.
	I thought you said she was disappointed.
	She was.
	Okay.
	So let me do this, Bobby.
	So I go to Hooker Alley and there's no one there.
	Oh.
	I don't know what happened.
	What was it?
	Was it a holiday?
	You made Martin Luther King Day.
	I mean, was it a holiday?
	Was there an interview?
	I don't fucking remember, bro.
	This is no one there that day, bro.
	But are you paying attention to your own life, dude?
	I don't know.
	Maybe we're driving Tamale Festival a mile down.
	I don't know, bro.
	I'm driving three hours to Mexico.
	You don't know if it's a holiday.
	Well, no, I'm in San Diego at the time.
	Oh, yeah, so it's a 20-minute drive.
	She haven't even done stand-up yet.
	No.
	Wow.
	I just said that.
	What age are you?
	21. 20, 21. Okay.
	But at the end of Hooker Alley is this red-headed albino.
	Not kidding you.
	Dwarf Hispanic kid.
	Hold on a second.
	Let me add all these things up.
	Yeah.
	Redneck Albino.
	Red-headed.
	Sorry, red-headed.
	Albino.
	Dwarf.
	Not kidding you, bro.
	Straight from a David Lynch movie, bro.
	Dwarf Hispanic?
	Albino?
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	And he goes, hey.
	You want some pussies?
	Wow.
	More than one.
	Yeah.
	I go, wow.
	He said plural.
	So I go, yeah, I like pussies.
	You're some good pussy.
	Follow me.
	So I follow this fucking guy.
	How long did it take to follow him?
	Small guys, if you follow a small guy, dude, it takes twice as long.
	Exactly.
	So it was three blocks.
	So it took seven hours.
	Bro, I'd have left after one block.
	Bro, why don't you just tell me where to go?
	And I'll get there.
	Not to be rude.
	He goes, this is my friend, Raul.
	So we meet this other dude.
	And he's like 6'2 ⁇ .
	Oh, yeah.
	Skinny, tatted to his wrist.
	He looks scary, bro.
	And he's wearing a weird black overcoat thing.
	And is he Spanish as well?
	Yeah, he's Mexican.
	Okay.
	Like busies, he says.
	Oh, same thing.
	They know each other.
	Yeah, they know each other.
	Follow me.
	So I follow these fucking guys 12 blocks.
	I'm not kidding you.
	Oh, my God.
	But it gets to the point where there's no more street lights, tumbleweed, three-legged dogs walking around.
	And I'm now going, I think I'm in trouble.
	Which I was.
	I was in big trouble.
	So he sees this gate.
	We see this gate.
	And it's through here.
	So he opens the gate.
	And did it seem, was there any art outside?
	Was there any like thing where it's like, oh, this is lit?
	What the fuck are you talking about?
	Anything that leads you to believe there's women there?
	Is that you seeing it?
	No, nothing, nothing.
	Okay, nothing nice.
	So as soon as he I walk through this alleyway, the little man just takes off running.
	Oh my God.
	And I go, where the fuck?
	And then by the time that thought happens, now I'm up against a wall.
	And this dude, because this tall guy pushed me against the wall, and he takes out a fucking machete.
	And he sticks it against my throat.
	He goes, give me your money.
	So then I go, okay.
	for sex or not?
	No, bro.
	Okay, well, you're not giving us any.
	Yeah, yeah, you.
	It's assumptions, bro.
	They ain't gonna be no pussy.
	I know.
	Okay.
	There's no pussies.
	Okay, okay.
	There's no pussies.
	Okay, there's nothing right.
	So that was a red herring.
	So there's no fish there.
	So the truth is, though, this man wants to be a robber.
	That's what he is.
	He's a criminal.
	Oh my God.
	So he sticks the...
	I had like $250.
	Oh, yeah.
	Wow, that was a lot of money back then.
	It's $250 in 1995, Nick.
	Will you look that up, please?
	You guys want to keep it.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Okay, so the guy has you against the wall.
	He has the knife.
	Knife.
	So he has a knife, right?
	And he pulls the money out.
	And he sticks my wallet.
	It throws him.
	I distinctly remember there's a puddle where my wallet was.
	And then thinking, oh, good.
	I give him the money.
	I'm just going to leave.
	No, dude.
	He grabs my hair and he sticks the fucking machete to my throat and he proceeds to cut.
	That's scary.
	Nuh-uh.
	Yeah.
	He cut your throat?
	No, right when I feel the sharp blade, like him pushing in, I hear two other voices down this alleyway.
	And now, was that the chicks or not?
	No.
	There's no pussy, bro.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	He was hopeful.
	It was plus $419.39 you gave the guy.
	Okay.
	So I give him $419.
	Right.
	But I also worked at a really nice restaurant.
	Oh, yeah, that makes sense, man.
	It's nothing.
	Take that out.
	Anyway, but my point is, so then these two other dudes, right?
	Yeah.
	They go, and they're with, now the dwarf showed up back up.
	He was there too with these guys, and they're fighting.
	No, what are they fighting about?
	That we want a piece of the money.
	I heard De Niro or whatever.
	This is our alleyway.
	What the fuck are you doing?
	We want some of that money.
	And are you thinking about escaping?
	No, of course, bro.
	No, I want to have tea.
	No, so as soon as the guy releases me, I go down.
	Do you fake me?
	No, no, no.
	Dude, at that time, I was skinny and fast.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	So I grabbed the wallet and I start running.
	And all four of them start chasing after me.
	Now I'm running like Carl Lewis through these streets, bro.
	And were you pretty fast or not?
	You're pretty fast then.
	Then I was.
	And also, your adrenaline and your life is at stake, dude.
	I mean, trust me, dude.
	Something came over me, dude.
	I was zipping, but they were fast as fuck, bro, too.
	Damn.
	Right?
	And they're chasing me through, zigzagging through all these streets.
	Just imagine going through these corners, right?
	Running.
	And then I see this corner.
	There's cement everywhere.
	Sometimes in Mexico, you're in a weird area.
	There's like suddenly there's a piece of cement.
	Like, what the fuck?
	Right, right.
	A lot of potholes.
	It's difficult to run, right?
	Yeah.
	But then I see in this corner this pink awning with a neon sign blinking.
	And I go, that's a business, something.
	And I run toward it.
	And then the Lord presented himself to me.
	30 black Marines walk out of this fucking bar.
	And I run toward them.
	I'm an American.
	I mean, I'm an American.
	These guys are trying to kill me.
	I'm not going to die.
	You know what I mean?
	That whole fucking thing, bro.
	And they're like, hey, buddy.
	We'll walk you to the border, buddy.
	Wow.
	So two of them walked me to the fucking border, dude.
	Right?
	Number one, I never went back except to get drugs later when I relapsed.
	But I never went back to get pussy.
	Yeah.
	That was a done for me.
	Right.
	And number two, maybe a year later, I started doing stand-up, but it was the event that made me go, you got to do something with your life, bro.
	Right.
	Because your life, yeah, somebody's going to be able to do that.
	Because all this kind of behavior and this kind of is not me and it's not the lifestyle I want to live.
	And so, you know, a year later, I was walking down the La Jolla comedy store and they had a Help Wallet sign.
	And I knocked on it.
	And I go, can I get a job here?
	So in 1994, and then I worked there for a while.
	And then in 95, I did Open Mic.
	So that was like a catalyst for really kind of like just, yeah, sometimes you have those events that show you, okay, this is what's going on with you right now.
	This is where you're at.
	Is this where you really want to be?
	Yeah, it's like, yeah, and you know what?
	I'm a human being and I make mistakes.
	And, you know, and I also have a, you know, I'm a, I've been in and out of sobriety all my life.
	You know, I started doing crystal methamphetamine at 12. Hell yeah.
	Right.
	So I've always, you know, because of my dad's trauma, my dad used to beat the shit out of me.
	Oh.
	No, I'm being real.
	Like my brother and I'm crazy.
	Why would he do that?
	He would get used to it.
	He would take a fucking golf club and beat them at five, six, seven years old.
	So I have all this PTSD and trauma.
	And then at 12, I'd start doing drugs because I needed to find relief.
	Oh, definitely.
	And then at 17, I got sober.
	But my point is, is that, you know, I've, you know, since I was born, I've had a rocky thing, you know.
	And luckily, at 23, I was still sober.
	And I found stand-up.
	And it was literally, literally three months, a miracle happened.
	When you were a doorman at the comedy store and you were doing stand-up, what they would do is they would go on Saturday nights, if you door, you can host either the first or second show.
	And there was two doormans you would choose.
	This time I get the first or second.
	So you get great opportunities straight on stage.
	That's how I met Mencia.
	That's how I met Paulie.
	That's how I met all these guys that I'm friends with still today, right?
	Did Richard Pryor ever come through or no?
	Yeah, I'll tell you that in a second.
	But what happened was one Saturday night, I was on stage, and this is when Princess Diana died.
	Oh, yeah, I remember that.
	I have a good Princess Diana story.
	Right.
	And I remember this girl crying after the show, this beautiful white girl.
	Her name was Jennifer.
	Just blue eyes, tan.
	And what, did you have sex with her?
	No.
	What I said, I touched her back and she was crying.
	I go, why are you crying?
	This is after the show.
	She goes, Princess Diana.
	I said, I don't know.
	It's just really, you know, I go, oh, I'm sorry for your loss.
	I said something, right?
	And then I was sweeping up with the mom after the club.
	And the manager goes, hey, Lee, Fred Burns, we used to manage the club.
	You got a phone call.
	And it was the girl.
	And she goes, hey, I live in Oceanside.
	Come over.
	And I went over there.
	And so granted, I've never had regular girls before.
	Right.
	And I remember 60, her mom was out of town or something.
	We 69 in her mom's closet.
	Oh, my.
	And I remember her ass.
	Smell the shoes, too.
	I love being in somebody's mom's closet.
	You can smell their fucking nice high heels and stuff in there.
	It wasn't a memory that was lodged into my head.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	But I do remember.
	Was it cold in there, kind of?
	That's another thing, another experience that I don't recall.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	But I remember grabbing her cheeks.
	And, you know, you 69, I'm always the bottom.
	I never do top.
	Really?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Dude, that goes on the top of a 69?
	He's a fucking crazy person.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Because then you have to, you're mouth fucking her.
	I don't like that.
	Any guy who goes upstairs on a 69, bro?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I don't think I've ever seen that.
	You're right.
	It's always the bottom.
	My bad.
	That's insane.
	It's insane, bro.
	A guy goes upstairs on a 69. Yeah.
	Great prayer.
	Right.
	But I remember grabbing her cheeks and looking up at, you know, not the sky, but the ceiling, but that God.
	And I remember going, with a tear in my eye.
	Yeah.
	And that fills up most of your eye.
	Because I'm Asian.
	That's true.
	Yeah.
	That's not racist.
	No, well, people don't think that.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	You get a tear, man.
	You know what I'm saying?
	You're a third water log, dude.
	You're halfway through the Titanic movie.
	Right.
	You know?
	Right.
	I get one.
	I can still fucking probably snowmobile.
	Right, right.
	Play tennis, whatever.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	So I was like, I'd say, thank you, God.
	You know what I mean?
	By the way, with eye jokes, can I just say this as a side note?
	Yeah.
	I love them.
	You know what I mean?
	It's like one time I did a photo shoot for a magazine and the photographer was white.
	And he said something kind of racist.
	He didn't mean to.
	He goes, hey, we need more expression in your eyes.
	I go, what the fuck, bro?
	That's what I said to him.
	There's like two things I do, open and close, bro.
	This is happy, said, angry.
	And it made everyone laugh.
	I love eye jokes, by the way.
	It's juvenile.
	People always call me Chinese and China boy because I arrive.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And mine's are kind of slanted, too.
	And one of my doesn't even match the other one.
	Because you have an old dad.
	That's why it's genetic.
	Something.
	I don't know what it is.
	Your dad's come, fucked you up, I think.
	I mean, I don't want to think about that.
	Why?
	That's crazy.
	I don't want to think about semen coming out of my father.
	I know, but your dad was old, right?
	Yeah, but isn't it crazy that we're all semen?
	What you mean, dog?
	I'm just saying we are all semen.
	Yeah, dude.
	I got semen inside me.
	Is that what you mean?
	But that we started off as semen, man.
	That's crazy.
	There was other things going on with that.
	You know, we had to go inside the overall.
	Right, there's a lot going on.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	There's a lot going on, I believe.
	You got to hit that overall.
	Because if that's true, then we could just nut in a Petri dish and just pour warm water and maybe it'll grow.
	Do you ever get nervous that when you're ejaculating, a lot of women now will hold it and sneak off and use it?
	Or they'll save it real quick in other person, like a heating environment, and then get rid of it later.
	I've never heard of that before in my life, bro.
	What's going on?
	So what you're saying to me is this, right?
	I'm 69 and a woman.
	I'm on top.
	No.
	No, but just I'm going to give you the scenario.
	I'm on top.
	And I'm, you know what I mean?
	That come in her, how do you say, mouth?
	That's so crude.
	Yeah, look, nothing can get cruder than some of the stuff that's already been.
	Right, right.
	So she's now...
	She has it in her mouth.
	Shooting in her breath, yeah.
	Right, right.
	And then you go, hey, I'm going to go pee.
	And then, and then she spits it in a warm container and then she uses it as a baby.
	Yeah.
	And then that's crazy.
	Well, is it crazy?
	Because right here we have an article and it says, woman keeps sperm from oral sexual encounter, uses it to get pregnant.
	Man sues.
	Wow.
	An appeals court said a man can press a claim for emotional distress after learning a former lover had used his sperm to have a baby, but he can't claim theft, the ruling said, because the sperm were hers to keep.
	Wow.
	Why?
	By the Illinois Appalach Court sends Dr. Richard O. Phillips' distress case back to the trial court.
	So they don't want to deal with it.
	They moved it back.
	But that's a ridiculous thing to sue for because I'm going to say this, right?
	If you stole my toenail, like clipped my nails, and I just left them on the table, right?
	And then you took it, right?
	That's yours.
	But what if your toenails had little U's inside of them and I took them and created those little U's?
	How would you feel about it?
	Like you cloned me based, you took the DNA from the toenail?
	Well, that's exactly what this lady's doing.
	I think that there's a way, I think that like, bro, you just have to be conscious.
	Like, for instance, you nut in the mouth and you look and you go, I need to see you spit it out or swallow.
	Oh, my God.
	Right now.
	Where is it?
	Where are you?
	And she's in Flint, Michigan.
	She's like, where are you?
	If she goes, like that, then what I do is I go, right?
	Her cheeks, and it spits out like that.
	That's mine.
	You're right.
	You have to be more conscious.
	I'm just saying it's getting down to it.
	Right.
	Where people are.
	Let me ask you about cloning, though, bro.
	Okay.
	Because some Chinese dude just got arrested for cloning humans.
	We're at his apartment?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Singapore made a little apartment.
	Right?
	Let me ask you something, right?
	If you can clone a human, bro, then the idea of God, are we creating men then?
	Or is God creating the man?
	God's creating him.
	You're out here duplicating.
	Anybody can make a Xerox machine.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Like, we already did that.
	Like, we can clone other stuff.
	But The only guy with the real blueprint is God, you know?
	That's good.
	I like that.
	That's good.
	Because now, because in my head, because you know, I believe in a God because of my 12-step journey.
	I believe in a God.
	Yeah, yeah.
	So for me, it's like I don't want anything to interfere with it, but that was fucking me up, bro.
	The cloning.
	Really?
	Yeah, yeah.
	Because it's like if we can create things on our own now in a whim, right?
	It takes time, but we have the technology to do it, then there is no God because we're doing it.
	But the things we're going to clone are not going to be as high quality, dude.
	You're going to clone some real bootleg shit.
	Oh, right.
	Like the meat.
	Yeah, you're going to have like Bobby Lee.
	Right.
	You know, you're going to have like Bobby Leek, and it's just some guy who's just walking around and just is leaking all the time.
	Right, right.
	Damn, this guy's wet, you know?
	Yeah, yeah, okay.
	Like there's going to be faulty.
	It's not going to fully happen.
	You're not going to get the best quality.
	Yeah, yeah.
	You know, you're going to get secondary meat.
	I will say this, that the Japanese now are, you can send them your hair and they will grow a whole crop of it and send it back to you.
	Can you look that up, Nicholas, please?
	Yeah, man, this is wild when I learned about this.
	But back in with the suing the woman, dude, that reminds me, bro.
	Check this out.
	Before we get into this, if we don't mind.
	Is that fucking, there was a Chinese dude that married another Asian lady, but she had plastic surgery.
	Okay.
	Right?
	So she looked really pretty.
	But genetically, she was ugly.
	Right?
	So then what happened was, dude, they had kids, and the kids were ugly.
	So he divorced her.
	Wow.
	What do you think of that?
	Morally.
	It breaks my heart, but it's like, what else are you going to do?
	'cause you can't just get the surgery on the children, so then you have to right.
	I can't believe it's like like it was a diddy He must not have known.
	No, he didn't know.
	Wow.
	Yeah, he was deceived.
	So I guess now we have to go look at people's faces, women's.
	And if we have a baby, dude.
	Let me see your first face.
	Or is that your real fucking face?
	Show me the real face.
	Yeah, show me the real face.
	And I'll base it on the photo.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Let me see that first face.
	You see anything?
	I see like hair.
	Hair replication.
	Hair replication and stuff, but not like an article that really says it all happens in Japan.
	I'm looking forward to it.
	But my point, though, is that you can still do it without growing it.
	My point is this.
	What you're saying to me is that these Japanese fools have the technology to grow hair based on our hair, right?
	Right.
	You can send them a hair and they will send you back an entire, you know, like a little half acre.
	So then what?
	You have just your hair next to the fucking cactus tree?
	Yeah, then you get it installed in your head.
	Oh, that's.
	Oh, so that's what you're saying.
	But you can put it in the baby's room if you want.
	I mean, you can do whatever you want with it.
	You have a certain amount.
	What I was going to do with it is just make it like a pee rug for my fucking dogs.
	Well, what you would do is probably you would take my hair and just make yours just like mine is exactly what you would do.
	Company uses patients' own cells to put an end to baldness, aging skin, and tendon degeneration.
	I don't think that's it.
	See, that sounds better to me.
	Better tendons?
	Because look at Pauly Shore.
	You think that's his real hair?
	I don't know.
	It says, maybe it's a secret, but he got back here.
	He took those out and then plugged them into the fire.
	Oh, I've had that.
	You did that?
	Yeah.
	Did it twice.
	When?
	Let me see.
	Once two years ago and then once this year.
	Does it hurt once ago?
	Does it hurt?
	It doesn't feel like super.
	Yeah, yeah.
	You know what I'm going to do?
	What?
	Get my hair cut?
	Beard implants.
	Beard implants?
	Because I can't see eyebrows on my thighs.
	That'd be cool.
	That'd be pretty cool, dude.
	I never thought of that.
	So what, are you going to get full beard put in there?
	Would you give it to...
	Oh, yeah, definitely.
	So I'm 50 now, right?
	But I already know.
	50. Almost.
	Two years I'll be 50. Yeah, you're not 50 yet.
	Yeah, but I have my 60-year-old look, if I make it that long, on lockdown.
	What I'm going to do is I'm going to grow my hair really long, but I'm not going to put plugs.
	I'm going to have it balding here, right?
	But I'm going to have a full-on beard.
	Right.
	I'm going to have, you're right?
	John Lenning.
	What?
	Like a wreck.
	I'm going to have raccoon eyes.
	I'm going to wear a poncho or some sort of like, you know how people from Arizona wear those, you know, they have that certain color, not Aztec, but turquoise-y kind of coloring, right?
	I'm going to kind of look like a burning man kind of a guy.
	Oh, yeah.
	And I want to be like a shaman type of look.
	Ooh, I could see you being like a wolf boy, dude.
	I'll tell you this.
	You go anywhere near fucking Tennessee, somebody's going to gun you down, right?
	With all that hair on your body.
	But dude, how crazy to think?
	Yeah, in 20 years, you're going to be able to be like, oh, yeah, I want this eye completely covered in hair, dude.
	Here's a picture of me right there.
	What?
	What?
	Yep.
	What did you do there?
	This is when I got FUE hair transplant.
	Oh, I see.
	Yeah, but something's going on with your fucking...
	They inject you and then it starts to come down.
	The injections come down your face at a certain point and it all like expands and gets expansive.
	That's crazy looking.
	I look like a sweet.
	Wait, wait, wait, wait.
	That's not from your hair plug.
	You got like Botox in your face?
	No, when they do, one of the things that they put some of the, when they do the FUE, when they do, they take your blood out and they get the cells out of it, the white plasma, and then they inject that just into your head.
	And whenever they do...
	No, wait.
	When they do the hair transplant, they have to put saline or something in, saline solution, and that makes its way down your face.
	Over time, it has to...
	It takes a couple days.
	So you can't leave the house.
	You can, it's just risky.
	What did you do, though?
	You just stayed in the house?
	I had to go to work.
	I mean, I had to come in here.
	Yeah, I did a podcast.
	Would you wear sunglasses?
	No.
	You just full-on that face.
	You look like Benedict Cumberback there, bro.
	Heavy on the batch, dude.
	Yeah, it was a bad look.
	I look like that guy.
	Oh, yeah.
	That's the guy from Ghostbusters 2, bro.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Wow, I can't believe that.
	I didn't even know we had this as a clip.
	That Turns a lot of people off of getting the translator.
	Yeah, yeah.
	But will you give me the read some of the comments?
	I'm going to see this.
	This is the most unnecessary hair surgery ever.
	It's like a girl with double D's getting a boob job.
	I like surgery.
	That's why I get it.
	Yeah, yeah.
	But, dude, can you give me the number?
	Because maybe, because I'm going to now, for sure, I'm going to do the beard thing for sure.
	You should get dimples made out of hair.
	Or not dimples, but little round little hair.
	I want to work again, bro.
	I want to survive in society, bro.
	I'm not going to do that.
	Bro, you're going to look like a fucking little bitty chewbaker that fucking deals cards at night in Reno.
	People are going to love you.
	I ain't going to do it.
	I can't do it.
	I don't have the confidence, bro.
	Bro, you should get hair put fully around each eye.
	Bro, then you could go mate with a raccoon.
	Imagine sneaking up with a raccoon and they don't expect anything.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	You're just pleasuring a couple of people.
	Think about it, though.
	Let me think about it.
	Think about it.
	I won't get any roles on nothing, but yeah.
	Dude, oh, you easily get a role, man.
	Let me ask you something.
	Because you've teased when I'm, sometimes when I'm on a sitcom or whatever, you tease me about it.
	Do you think that's a bad look?
	To be on a sitcom?
	Yeah, yeah.
	Because you go.
	No, be honest with me.
	Because, you know, I know that that, because I know that doing podcasts and shit is cool, right?
	I get to reach my real fans and whatnot.
	But every once in a while, I like to dress up and do that.
	But there's sometimes when I'm on a sitcom, I feel like I'm not being creative or it's kind of selling out.
	There's a feeling of selling out or something.
	Do you view that or do you think it's still cool to do?
	Because I'm going to go to Hawaii next week to do another Magnum PI.
	And I love that show.
	I love that show.
	God, it was so good, dude.
	The old one you liked.
	Yeah.
	But not the new one.
	They have a new one?
	I didn't even know they had a new one.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I'm on the new one.
	Are you already on it?
	I've done, this is my fourth one coming out.
	Could I see any episodes of it yet?
	Yeah, it's online.
	Yeah, because it's the second season.
	Wow.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Look at the Halloween episode.
	I played Yoko Ono on it.
	You did?
	Yeah.
	I would love that, man.
	But you know, Magnum Pia now is a Mexican dude.
	No way.
	Yeah, Jay Hernandez.
	He's a good dude.
	Magnum Pai.
	See, that was me.
	That was me and Jay, and we did the Hawaii episode, bro.
	Let me see, Jay Hernandez.
	Click the first one.
	See, that's Jay.
	Oh, wow.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	Latino, huh?
	Yeah, so he's a good dude.
	That's Pradita Week.
	She's great too, man.
	Yeah, she looks beautiful.
	But when I do shit like that though, does it, is that, that's still a good, Me?
	Yeah, yeah.
	You look nice.
	Oh, fuck.
	You were in Hawaii shooting that?
	Yeah, I go to Hawaii again.
	It's fine, bro.
	But my point, though, is that...
	Oh, you're going to love it.
	Maui and Analulu.
	Oh, I've done it before.
	You're going to love it.
	Yeah.
	At the Mac?
	Yeah, man.
	You're going to love it.
	I'm excited.
	Yeah, it's going to be great.
	But my point is, is this.
	Is that a bad look or no?
	I don't think so.
	I mean, I think if there's fun stuff that you do, you know, I mean, look, everybody's their own way.
	You know, I think some people, it's hard to be yourself and a really like, I think a lot of sitcoms and stuff like this, it's a tough place for them to write a lot of humor because the advertising, everything that's attached.
	And they're so scared about offending people or about this and that.
	But at the same time, I think that if there's something that you want to do to make yourself feel like you are being as artistic as you can, like you're saying, sometimes you want to dress up and go to the dance.
	Sometimes you want to play in the yard, you know?
	Although those are my foundations and whatnot.
	But dude, it's, you know, I've been in movies before.
	It feels, you know, I did it.
	It was in the dictator and I did a scene with Ben Kingsley.
	And, you know, you're talking to a dude like that, right?
	And it makes you feel, you learn, you know, and you're also like, it's exciting, you know?
	And it feels like, you know, all this hard work, it feels like it sometimes pays off because you're around, you know, really good actors and you're like, I can't believe I'm in this situation.
	And you pat yourself on the back.
	What's wrong with that?
	Nothing.
	I think it's good, man.
	I think it's good.
	I just wish they would have put you on the billboard for the last show you were in.
	Remember, they put four whites on there and they didn't put you on there.
	What was the billboard for that show?
	What was it called?
	Home improvement?
	No, it's called Splitting Up Together, bro.
	Splitting Up Together.
	Yeah, yeah.
	If, Nick, if you'll look up that billboard on there, yeah.
	And we'll see that they didn't put old Bobby Bear on there.
	What in the F, dude?
	They got a kid on there, dude?
	That kid might not even live that long, dude.
	You got to put Bobby on there.
	I know, but dude, and I asked them, this was the first time I went to the producer and go, hey, could I be on the background?
	Yeah.
	And they go, no.
	It's about the family.
	I go, just put me in the background.
	And they go, no.
	And they go, why?
	And I go, because the whole reason why I want to sitcom is to cause other people pain.
	I want to be on a billboard so my enemies can drive by.
	Oh, yeah.
	Right?
	And they can see, oh, Bobby's still working.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That's the whole point of it.
	Yeah.
	And they wouldn't put me on that.
	I could put me on the Warner Brothers, all of it, so I could cause some people some pain.
	Dude, that happened to me with Netflix.
	I did a special and they put everybody else was on a billboard that year.
	And mine was the only one that they didn't put a billboard.
	Did you get angry?
	Yeah, hurt my feelings.
	Yeah.
	See, here's the thing, Hollywood, right?
	You have to be conscious about it because the thing is, is that, especially us, bro, I will rat, bro, I'm going to say something right now.
	Say it.
	I was at Irvine, right?
	Check this out, bro.
	And I want to see if you could be on my side on this.
	Okay, I am.
	I am.
	Okay.
	So I drive to Irvine, improv.
	I sold out every show.
	I'm not bragging.
	It's just the fact that 2,500 seats, right?
	There's two restaurants adjacent to that.
	Oh, yeah.
	Javier's, Mexican Joint.
	Yep, I've been there before.
	And there's other Paul Martin and whatever, right?
	So I go to Paul, the restaurant first.
	I'm there a little early.
	And I go, hey, I know you're busy, but I just need a table for one.
	I'm headlining next door, and I really kind of need a table.
	I can't wait an hour.
	They go, no.
	Yeah, but come on, dude.
	I cause so much traffic to come in here because I know half my fans eat here.
	Yeah.
	They go, no.
	I go to the improv.
	I go, can you work something out?
	We don't know nobody is what they say.
	They go, we have a connection to Javier.
	This is the worst one.
	I go into Javier's, these two Mexican host dudes, and I go, hey, I'm a headline lady next door.
	Do they have tattoos or anything?
	No, no, no.
	They're clean ones.
	They're not MC15 or whatever.
	Right, right.
	And so they go, no.
	And I go, dude, I just won.
	No.
	I go, they called.
	I thought the improv called.
	They did call.
	We don't give a shit.
	No.
	Right?
	So now, bro, I'm livid.
	I'm fucking livid, right?
	Now, do I have any right to be mad?
	Because the thing is, is that I played that improv 20 times in my life.
	I've helped business flow into that area.
	Not just me, but all the comics.
	Yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	And then, so, you know, maybe I maybe I'm acting like a baby about it.
	Yeah.
	Right.
	But do you think that I'm in the right to be hurt and mad about it?
	No, I don't at all, man.
	I think you should eat over at the improv, dude.
	Because improv is good food, and they can also just bring food back to you in the green room if you just want to eat there.
	I think going in there and demanding a table for one, which is basically saying, hey, yeah, we want a serial killer to hang out in here for 40 minutes, is one of the just seems like not even a good idea.
	So you're not on my side?
	No.
	You're a fucking asshole.
	I am an asshole, but I'm not an asshole that would go in there and fucking demand that they're not.
	I'm not demanding.
	No, I wasn't, bro.
	Stop.
	Sound like you were demanding something.
	Stop.
	He didn't do anything.
	I know, but he gave me his beady.
	His eyes are like fish.
	He has nerves.
	He has fish eyes right here, man.
	Upper nervous issue.
	Yeah.
	But my point is, is this.
	But I didn't demand anything.
	I was gracious about it.
	But you stood there and looked like you were upset after they said whatever, you know, and you kind of probably went like that with your hands, you know?
	And you probably can't even move your arms that high in the air.
	Let's take another question for a guest that came in.
	We got some really great ones that came in for you, Robert.
	Here's a guy right here about...
	Huh?
	Sometimes.
	That's fine.
	Hate me, dude.
	That's what happens when you fucking get my hair cut and come to my yard, boy.
	Gang, let's go.
	What up, Theo?
	What up, Bobby?
	What's up, player?
	My name's Nick.
	I'm from Utah.
	And I just wanted to ask you guys what your thoughts are on erectile dysfunction.
	You know, as a young guy, it's kind of hard to go through.
	And I just wanted to know what your guys' perspective is on it and kind of how to deal with it.
	Gang, gang, sleep nation, sleep king.
	Slept king.
	Have a good one.
	Fuck.
	Yeah, it doesn't make any sense, does it, Bobby?
	Slept King.
	I'll say this, brother.
	Gang, bro.
	Gang, gang, bro.
	You'd have to wake up, dog.
	That's what I'm telling you, dude.
	Here's the thing.
	Have you ever dealt with erectile dysfunction?
	And I want to, what do you, what's really happened?
	I have a phenomenon.
	I'm a part of a phenomenon called porn erectile dysfunction.
	Okay.
	And for me, dude, it's like I weeded porn out of my life.
	Really?
	I did.
	Oh, nice, man.
	For how long?
	For the rest of my life.
	How long has it been out?
	That's what I mean.
	Since I've been sober this time, so about 60 days.
	That's awesome, man.
	Yeah.
	So now I have to do my imagination.
	Yeah.
	But the thing is, is that, and it's a phenomenon that's going on with, especially men, millennials, because, you know, you and I, you're much younger than I am, but back in my day, when if you wanted to jerk off to pornography, especially as a kid, you'd have to go to the dirt lot.
	There used to be a rock, a communal rock.
	Oh, yeah.
	And you would lift it, and there would be a hustler magazine underneath there.
	And there's mildew and titties missing.
	Beautiful.
	Beautiful, right?
	And you would jerk off real quick in the forest, right?
	And then you put it back in the thing, right?
	But now you imagine kids have access to anything that they want, right?
	So now these kids, before they even have sex with a woman, they jerk off to fucking sex.
	Right, right, right, right.
	That kind of stuff, right?
	It's in crazy town, right?
	So my point is, is that you have to fucking completely weed it out.
	And I think it takes about six months to completely reset your mind.
	Wow.
	Right?
	So my advice to you is try not to masturbate.
	Masturbate with your imagination if you need to.
	Because you've got to get it out.
	Well, you don't have to.
	I mean, you can do that nocturnal bust, dude, which is basically where you ejaculate in your sleep.
	And a lot of people get into that, dude.
	You know what I'm saying?
	Blowing in the darkness, bro.
	You know?
	But like a fucking trumpeter with no electricity.
	But you're asleep when it's happening?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, yeah.
	So you just wake up and there's mango all over your belly?
	Yeah, but you didn't have to touch yourself.
	That's the real David Blaine.
	Right, right.
	So do that as well.
	Yeah, there's just another way to do it if you don't want to jerk off all the time.
	Right, right.
	But yeah, to build up that chi and the chi up a little.
	Yeah.
	That's beautiful.
	When's the longest time you fucking didn't masturbate?
	The longest time I've ever gone, probably, I would say is probably two months.
	It's hard, bro.
	It's so hard to do, man.
	It's so hard to do.
	And the hard part is for me is if I engage with someone texting and anything sensual or somebody send me a dirty image, a leg, anything like that.
	If it's been a month, six weeks, if somebody even sent me a leg, you know?
	If they even send me like a Pac-Man, the mom with the fucking ribbon in her hair, I'll bust out.
	Bro, one time, Carlos Mincia, a long time ago, goes, hey, dude, you want to go to Honduras?
	So he flew me to Honduras, but he didn't tell me where.
	Basically, you had to fly into Honduras, then take another little flight and hit this dirt patch, then take a canoe ride for six hours to go to his village.
	That's where he's from?
	Yeah.
	That's where he's born.
	So then I'm in this village, no electricity, no running water, and I have to be there for a month.
	And I literally turned to him and go, I'm going to go back on the canoe and go home.
	He goes, no, dude.
	So I had to eat their food, no electricity.
	He stayed there?
	Yeah.
	So it's like I had a mosquito net in a fucking shack.
	Y'all weren't even performing?
	No, dude.
	I was just there, bro.
	and I also looked at the village.
	There's hundreds of female villagers there.
	Beautiful?
	They're more indigenous-y looking.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	They're all human beings.
	We're all brothers and sisters.
	Yeah, yeah.
	But I tell you this right now, three weeks in, I was stalking them.
	Oh, yeah.
	Because you reset your dick, right?
	And all of a sudden, like, you're prime, you know, it's primal, you know?
	And then I could find like parts of them that I liked.
	Look at that fucking shoulder blade.
	Yeah.
	Look at those kneecaps.
	Look at the clavies, man.
	Yeah, bro.
	And so I was able to, so I could probably, you can always reset your shit, bro.
	It doesn't always have to be like barely legal or the kind of old porn I watch, Old J. You know what Old J is?
	Old Japanese?
	No, man.
	There's a site called Old J. It's like nine-year-old men and eight-year-old women.
	So I used to do that.
	Wow.
	That's pure.
	That's insane.
	It's pure and simple.
	It's insane, but good.
	I don't think it's pure or simple, man.
	Yeah.
	Old J, huh?
	I'm trying to think.
	If you went some old guy, dude, if I'm real old, I don't know at a certain point, can having sex like endanger you if it like gets your heart real hot, you know?
	But I would rather die that way.
	I wouldn't.
	I'd rather die chilling out, dude.
	What, on a fucking couch watching fucking Jeopardy?
	Yeah.
	You're on a couch and you go, you're a dog.
	And then you're done, right?
	But imagine having like, being like, who's that Playboy guy?
	Hugh Hefner.
	Hugh Hefner, right?
	Lining up nine women.
	And then the third one, you have a heart attack.
	Oh, yeah.
	That's the way to go, bro.
	Playing like Russian Hewlett.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And also at that age, no condom.
	You don't give a fuck, bro.
	Oh, dude.
	At any age, no comment.
	I mean, who's even...
	That's what I want to know.
	For old people?
	For people.
	Yeah, they still use it.
	I haven't heard.
	And no one's even getting anything anymore.
	No, look at, Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	He got the hip, bro.
	But he was also basically, he was like, like, he was like, fuck, he was like having sex with laboratories and shit.
	That guy was going deep.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Like, you know, donkeys and animals.
	I mean, he probably got into some real dark stuff.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That's drug-induced.
	It drug-induced fucking, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Now, have you ever been involved in like drug-induced homosexuality?
	You know, like, where people do enough drugs that somebody's gay suddenly.
	I've done it.
	Bro, you already know.
	You already fucking know.
	I don't know.
	Dude, I'm thinking if I know or not and I don't.
	You don't know that I've sucked the dick before?
	Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, dude.
	Fuck, bro.
	Put your hand in the air before you say that.
	Take my headphones.
	All right, man.
	Fuck, dude.
	Who was the guy?
	Was it a black guy?
	No, dude, my mom's small, bro.
	Yeah.
	You know, here's the thing, dude.
	You got that baby pocket on your face, bro.
	Here's a guy right here.
	Can I finish it, though?
	Oh, yeah.
	All right, go.
	No, no, you go.
	Let me finish what the dick thing.
	Please do.
	Okay.
	So back when I told you, like, I couldn't get laid or whatever as a kid, right?
	So when I was a child, right?
	I would be at a party and some dude would just go, it was actually one or two dudes.
	They would go, suck my dick.
	And they would just grab my hair and I'd suck their dick.
	Anyway, let's go to the tape.
	Jesus, man.
	A party?
	Who calls it a party?
	Asian guy, huh?
	Yep.
	Hey, Theo.
	Hey, Bobby.
	Love you guys both.
	Just a good question for you, for the both of you guys.
	If you guys turn gay for a day, who would you hit up?
	That's hit.
	Gang gang.
	I'm not gay though, but I like gay people.
	Peace out.
	Tom Hardy.
	Tom Hardy?
	Yeah.
	I don't know who Tom Hardy is.
	Toms, bro.
	Not Tom Arnold.
	Imagine sucking him off.
	I'm not sucking anybody, dude.
	I might bang the guy.
	I'm not blowing some, dude, bro.
	That's the gayest thing ever.
	Oh, let me ask you something.
	What would it take for you to blow somebody?
	I wouldn't do it.
	Okay, so let me ask you this then.
	Okay.
	Right?
	Jesus came down.
	Christ.
	Okay.
	No, I'm not saying blowing Christ.
	I'm not going to say that.
	Okay, no.
	Would you blow Christ?
	Would you blow Christ?
	Nope.
	Okay, good.
	Even if you're going to be an attorney in hell?
	Dude, I'm not blowing anybody.
	All right.
	He's the Lord, but fine.
	But what if Jesus said...
	It would be a fake Jesus then.
	Right, but if Jesus, or not Jesus, but some alien, then, is that better for you?
	Okay, like Sandra Bernhard, you mean?
	Yeah, yeah.
	Sandra Bernhardt came down, right?
	Right?
	And goes, I will destroy all mankind if you don't blow Eric Grin.
	No, man.
	I just couldn't.
	I don't want my mouth to be opened by some guy's wiener.
	That's the part I don't know.
	Oh, it's the prying factor.
	It's intrusive.
	Yeah, I just don't.
	I don't think I'd like the texture of it.
	The texture is fun.
	It's like your finger, bro.
	Nuh-uh.
	Yeah.
	Uh-uh.
	I bet it's not.
	I bet it's not, dude.
	I can't believe you just did that.
	But it's somebody else's finger that's near their freaking nuts.
	If it was mankind, if mankind was all going to die, I would suck whoever.
	Not whoever.
	I'd suck the guy who is most qualified to help us save the universe.
	I'm not going to suck.
	I'm not blowing something outside of a 7-Eleven because he's scared about what's going on as well.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	But I like your attitude.
	You've never done anything gay in your life.
	I've never done anything gay, man.
	They had a time where I think a dude was trying to get me to be gay one time, and I had to go to the airport.
	And we've been doing cocaine.
	And so I'm glad I had to go to the airport, man, because that's the thing.
	At a certain point, there can be drug-induced homosexuality.
	Yeah.
	Where you do enough drugs, and next thing you know, man, you get, you know, people can coerce you into things.
	Could I tell you a funny story?
	I was living in Silver Lake, bro.
	And you know who Mike Young is?
	Yeah.
	So Mike Young was like three in the morning calls me and he goes, dude, I'm drunk, bruh.
	That's what he says.
	Oh, yeah.
	I go, I'm hanging up.
	And he goes, no, dude, I don't know.
	Where's my car?
	Oh, yeah, that's a gay pickup.
	Right, right, right.
	Where's my car?
	It's at your house.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Right.
	Meanwhile, you don't even have a house.
	You're like, what are you talking about?
	And then the guy's and he goes, Come pick me up, dude.
	I'm lost.
	This is before Uber, all that shit, right?
	So I go, no.
	He's crying.
	Oh, man.
	Dude, look at my car.
	Right?
	Everybody, you almost bang is crying in these.
	Right, right, right, right.
	No, so I pick him up and I go, all right, dude, what's up?
	He said, where's your car?
	He goes, I remember.
	It's up here.
	So we drew up up in the hills and we pull up to this mansion and it's Toby Maguire's house.
	Oh, yeah.
	Right.
	And he goes, hey, man.
	I called Leo.
	Leo and Mark Wahlberg and Toby were jacuzziing.
	Right?
	And I go, yeah?
	And he goes, they said you could come too.
	And I go, no.
	Just in case.
	Now, I'm not accuse.
	They're probably knee-deep pussy.
	All that stuff.
	They're not gay at all.
	But even if there was a 1% chance that I'm in this jacuzzi and then Spider-Man's dick is in my face, I would have to suck it because I want to make it in the business.
	Dang.
	So I didn't, I put myself out of the situation.
	But you think you honestly party was afraid to go?
	I think there was.
	I think also that was part of it.
	And also, I don't want to say the wrong thing.
	It's late.
	It's 4 in the morning now.
	Like, I don't want to fucking.
	You're not going to do anything good.
	Yeah, yeah.
	There's nothing good that's going to happen from it.
	I'm not going to get in a movie.
	No.
	You're right.
	So you're in a movie.
	It's going to be a short movie, dude.
	It's just me on somebody's phone.
	And it's just going to be you, huh?
	Yeah.
	Just holstering that spider wing.
	Yeah.
	I would probably suck Leo off, maybe.
	Would you?
	Maybe he's fucking a star, bro.
	I love Once Upon Time in Hollywood.
	Here's a guy right now who has a question that's going to be much better than this conversation.
	Let's take it to it, man.
	Let's take it to it.
	Theo.
	What's up, Play?
	Hey, Bobby.
	Hey.
	Bobby, I would like to, if I may, I would love to ask you a question.
	A lot of times my brain is telling me one thing, my heart's telling me another thing.
	A lot of times I'm not sure which way to go.
	So I wanted to ask you, how do you center yourself when you feel overwhelmed or lost or anxious?
	Thank you.
	Thank you very much.
	God bless you both.
	Wow.
	He's a nice guy.
	Method.
	Definitely made that in the late night hours.
	That's crazy, eyes.
	He has like three or four grandfather clocks in his room.
	If that's a serious question.
	It is a serious question.
	You know what I've been doing, dude, is meditating.
	Yep.
	And every night and in the mornings, I spend 20 minutes and I focus on my breathing.
	I live in a mansion.
	So I'm in one of my rooms and I concentrate on my breathing.
	And what I do is I breathe in five seconds and I breathe out five seconds.
	Breathe in five seconds.
	And I know that thoughts enter my brain.
	You know what I mean?
	Like, how the fuck did Ken Jong get another movie or whatever?
	You know what I mean?
	Or like, you know, fuck Crystalia.
	You know what I mean?
	But I let those pass like clouds.
	Or I pop them like a bubble.
	Like if that's, if my thoughts above, I pop it, right?
	And I focus my attention on my breathing.
	That's how I do it.
	And once I do that, I get locked into nothingness.
	Not nothingness, but like it's just black.
	Yeah.
	Right.
	And once I get into that state, I'm in a groove.
	And it really dictates how I feel about my life and how my day goes.
	And it also makes me sleep so much fucking better, dude.
	Yeah.
	I instantaneously sleep rather than toss and turn for an hour.
	Right.
	You know what, dude?
	All my problems come from here.
	Yeah.
	And they're mostly.
	Your brain.
	And yeah, my mind, my brain.
	Yeah.
	And it's also most of my problems are not real.
	Yeah.
	They're perceived.
	I imagine things that don't exist, what people are saying, why didn't I get this?
	None of it fucking matters, man.
	Right.
	So it's like, that's what meditation does.
	It calms the part of the thing that's mostly my problem, which is this.
	So that's what I've been trying to do as of late, you know?
	And what practice are you doing?
	Like, is there a certain way you're practicing it?
	Is there a certain amount of time?
	Like, what are you doing?
	I try to do about 20 minutes, bro.
	Wow.
	20 minutes is a good time.
	You know what I mean?
	Maybe a little longer.
	I don't have a clock, but I just, it's generally about 20, 25 minutes that I last.
	Sometimes 30, you know what I mean?
	Sometimes shorter.
	It depends.
	But I really do try to do it because it's like, you know, that relapse I had in August, dude, and I was going to kill myself.
	Dang.
	You said dang a little too quick.
	Sorry, hold on a second.
	Dang, man.
	Yeah, thanks.
	That felt more organic.
	But yeah, when my dad died, I relapsed.
	And then, you know, after 17 years, you know, that's a long time.
	Yeah.
	And then I couldn't eat, sleep, and I had thoughts of suicide.
	And were you using weed and liquor?
	Just weed.
	Did you have any liquor?
	No.
	Oh, do you wish you'd had a beer?
	I couldn't do it because the thing is, is that I had gotten this CBS game show job and I had to do eight episodes.
	And I knew I was going to drink after that and do opiates and do all my fun funds, hallucinogenics.
	Yeah, yeah.
	But what ended up happening was I was losing so much weight and I wasn't sleeping and I started getting psychotic.
	I started losing my mind.
	Yeah, and you don't want to.
	Yeah, so then I went to a hospital.
	I went to a place in Arizona for a couple of weeks and I found out what the problem was.
	And the problem was the trauma that my dad caused me as a kid.
	Wow.
	And so I had a deal.
	I did EMDR, a lot of therapy, and I've addressed a lot of those issues.
	And I took the weight out of those things.
	And now I feel freer.
	also this time because, you know, in the last seven years of the 17 years I was sober, I didn't go, you know, I rarely went to meetings.
	Oh, right.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	So now what I'm doing is it's the first thing.
	It's the most important thing.
	Going to meetings.
	Is going to my therapist once a week and going to meetings.
	And those are things that are going to be ritualistic and things that I am never going to like, you know, ignore or not do.
	They're important.
	Yeah.
	More important than my podcast, my family, everything.
	Because it's my life, dude.
	Put in things first, yeah.
	And I'd rather be free and happy than make it or get money or any of that.
	It's bullshit.
	All of the others is fucking...
	Oh, yeah, I agree.
	Move on.
	You were going to say about seeing Richard Pryor?
	Bring up a question.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	Did you work with Richard Pryor?
	Well, I don't working with him is not, but, you know, when I was a doorman, so when I moved to Hollywood, you know, he was sick, but he would still do spots.
	Wow.
	And he would come with his wheelchair, and we would both, like Freddie Soto, Bob Oshak, we would have to lift him up on stage, put him, and then like he would have boogers on his nose, and we would wipe him.
	Like for Coke?
	No, because he was sick.
	Oh, he's that sick.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	And because he couldn't do it himself.
	You know what I mean?
	And we put the mic there, and it was a blessing to watch that man because he was still super funny, even in that state.
	Here's another dude that used to come in.
	He was Carlin.
	Well, I was working the back door once, the first time George Carlin ever went there.
	And I was working the back door, and he came up to me.
	I was so scared because I'm a fucking huge fan.
	And he came up to me and he goes, what's your name?
	And I go, Bobby Lee.
	Nice to meet you.
	I'm George.
	He did a show.
	He did it every year for three years in a row.
	And every year I doored.
	Every year I doored there.
	He would walk by me and go, Mr. Lee.
	He remembered.
	And those kind of guys taught me class.
	That's gone away from stand-up comedy is class.
	You know who has it?
	Sebastian.
	Yeah.
	You know what I mean?
	But a lot of these younger kids, and I want to name names right now.
	I'm not going to.
	There's somebody that made it that I helped was instrumental in that person making it.
	A woman.
	A man.
	A man.
	Or a woman.
	Or a woman.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	No class.
	They belittle me at each every chance I get.
	And so it's like, for me, I'm still going to have, you know, for me, I'm Korean.
	And Joe Rogan, you know, Joe goes to me, how come you're so distant in front of me?
	Because I respect you.
	And when you come to the comedy store, you have a thousand comics surround you, right?
	I get why, but I'm going to step back because I don't want to be intrusive because I respect you and you're one of the kings of the game, right?
	And he respected that.
	It's class, right?
	So I learned from all those old fox, man.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	So that's that.
	Do you feel like you've, I mean, there's, you've had issues at the comedy store recently.
	Right?
	You've mentioned this when I was on your podcast.
	I've had issues.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	What's going on?
	What do you mean?
	What's going on?
	You don't want to be at the comedy store.
	I don't want to be at the comedy store because the comedy store used to be a place where if you put your time in, you got treated right like the man.
	Right.
	But now it's fame that dictates it and whoever's hot.
	And there's people that get spots every single night.
	They don't have to necessarily even call in.
	Right.
	That's now the name of the game.
	Right.
	So dudes that have been there like, you know, like me, I get spots, right?
	But I don't get every single night.
	I don't get some, some of these fools get two shows a night.
	Right.
	And so it's been a place, it's also a place not to grow.
	It's because you see you're there, it's sold out, you're performing with heavyweights, right?
	How the fuck do you try new shit?
	Yeah.
	I can't.
	It's hard.
	Because I can't, I have to survive.
	Because when you're in the, the audience now has, this last year, I've seen Francis Ford Coppola in the audience.
	I've seen Quentin Tarantino in the audience.
	I've seen the biggest people in the game just say in the audience, what, I'm going to do my first 10-minute new shit?
	Yeah.
	No, I'm going to kill it so that I can maybe get in, you know what I mean, in their good light.
	Yeah.
	So you can play a nunchuck and kill Bill 3. Let's go to a question right here, man.
	Bobby, what up, Theo?
	I got a question for Bobby.
	In fourth grade, my best friend was Korean.
	His parents and his grandma lived with him straight from Korea.
	Barely spoke any English.
	His grandma didn't speak any English.
	Oh, damn.
	And every time I came over to sleep over, all they would do is order Papa John's.
	And then for breakfast in the morning, she would microwave the Papa John's.
	Like, not even throw it in the oven.
	Microwave pizza, especially Papa John's, crazy.
	So my question is, do you guys microwave your pizza after?
	Or you throw that bitch in the oven or the toaster oven?
	Or is that just a Korean thing?
	All right, gang, gang.
	Gang, bruh.
	What's up with them Rians, bruh?
	Drop that K-knowledge on your boy because we want to know, you motherfuckers, bruh.
	Y'all over there slipping and sliding, huh?
	Taking the shortcuts, bro.
	You guys are chef shortcuts or what?
	Yeah, yeah.
	Really?
	Those are the...
	Okay.
	Okay.
	GKs, they call them.
	Yeah, those are GKs for sure.
	Okay.
	Number two, Koreans came, especially my family, came from poverty.
	My parents, my mother, when she was eight years old, when she walked her little sister to school, a military truck ran my aunt over and there was entrails over the street.
	So there was no ambulance.
	So my uncles had to pick up my dead aunt, put them in rice bags.
	So this is the life.
	This is the.
	Oh my God.
	So This is the experience that they come from.
	That's why they microwave their fucking Papa John's.
	Who gives a shit?
	Number two, who gives a fuck, right?
	And number two, let me say this, friend, right?
	You know what my mom used to do?
	That's even, I'll tell you even something worse.
	If you didn't finish your cereal, right?
	So you have frosted flakes.
	You put the milk in, right?
	You ate the cereal, but you're full.
	Right?
	You leave it.
	You go to school.
	The next morning, guess what's back in the box?
	The soggy, the soggy fucking cereal flakes, and you had to eat it or you get beat.
	Amen, brother.
	Fuck you and the papa papa.
	Amen.
	Does he have another question?
	No, no, no.
	Wow.
	How long does this go for, man?
	That's it, man.
	I think we've done enough, dude.
	I thought that question was going to make it more lighthearted.
	Well, no, I like it when it goes in and out.
	How long did we do?
	Hour 45?
	Yeah.
	That's a lot, man.
	That was awesome.
	Bobby Lee, I love you, man.
	I love you, bro.
	You know, I love you.
	I wish we would do a show together sometime, man.
	Bro, not only that, I want to be real.
	There's a lot of heads, bro.
	Sometimes some of these fools, they get successful.
	And I get it why, I think, sometimes.
	I'll be honest, you know?
	But all the good shit that's happened to you, bro, you are so resilient.
	And your voice is so original.
	I am so fucking proud of you, dude.
	You're so funny, dude.
	You are so funny.
	You're so intrinsically funny.
	And I just, my hat's off to you, brother.
	Thank you.
	I love you, bro.
	I love you too, man.
	I appreciate that.
	Yeah, man.
	You're a good guy.
	Bobby Lee, ladies and gentlemen.
	And we'll see you in the future, man.
	Check out Bobby's new podcast.
	Ginger Ginger.
	What is it?
	It's called Bad Friends with Anderson Santa.
	Bad Friends with Andrew Santino.
	Love it too, bro.
	Now I'm just floating on the breeze.
	And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
	I must be cornerstone.
	Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind I found I can feel it in my bones.
	But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking break and let myself all my shine that light on me.
	I'll sit and tell you my stories.
	Shine on me.
	And I will find a song out.
	I will stay there just for you.
	And I've been moving way too fast on a runaway train with a heavy load of my money.
	Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
	The answer may shock you.
	Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
	Sometimes I won't.
	And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
	You have three new voice messages.
	A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
	I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
	So great.
	Hi, Sweetheart.
	Is it deal?
	Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
	John Main.
	I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
	Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
	I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
	Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
	Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

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