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Laisé, yeah.
Laissez-faire.
That means that's that faire.
If you see a carnival going on, you say, laissez-faire.
That means that's that faire.
Put some sand on your hands.
About time to grip that dolphin.
You're going to have to fetch that fish, baby.
And we're going to do it here today.
I hope you're doing well.
*music*
Celebrate living, celebrate misery.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Celebrate our day.
Celebrate all of your brains.
All of your demons exercise.
Let them go.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Oh, and once again, I can't really fade that song out as well as I'd like to be.
You know, I'd love that song at the end to really just go at a very slow, lessening level.
So you get less sound in you.
Like at a gradient, they call it.
And that's not to be confused with this boy I used to know name Gradient Harper, who used to play on the local football team in junior high.
I remember we had a baseball field we played on, and I was on a really rot gut team called the Cubs.
And a couple jerseys, they accidentally wrote clubs on it.
So about six of the guys on our team were on the Cubs, the Playville Cubs.
And we had about three or four guys on the Playville Clubs.
And we would play on a field out there on the edge of town off of Highway 190 that had a slant.
It had a gradient.
They just, I don't know if, you know, there had been like a, they might have been having gravity issues or something or I'm not sure.
This might have been during a sinkhole flare up.
I'm not sure.
Because that sinkholes, those things, dude, when Mother Earth has had too much to eat and that bitch belches, somebody's losing a fucking half a parking lot full of Honda Civics or something, you know?
You know, she ain't afraid to digest anything.
It could be somebody hitchhiking, you know, somebody driving a Dodge Ram.
Everybody is going straight into the Earth's core.
But we played softball on this field.
Not softball.
It was regular ball, baseball.
And man, I wasn't good at baseball, man.
I remember asking the coach one time if we could put tape on the ball, like, you know, like duct tape so that thing wouldn't come in, it wouldn't hit, you know, it wouldn't be as hard when it hit the glove.
So most of baseball was me hiding kind of whenever the good batters would get up.
Because I'm a daydreamer.
I don't need a bed.
I don't need a pillow.
I don't need to, you know, to really create that ambiance.
I got that Spielberg in me.
I got that cerebral Spielsberg.
You know, I got, this shit is, it's going in my head.
And so baseball and a day, you can't daydream and do baseball.
You cannot do it.
Because you're out there and next thing you know, you fucking, that ball comes zinging at you.
You'll lose an occipital, you know, it'll, you'll pop your occipital.
Dude, it'll hit you in the eye and you'll, one of the eye, one of the eyeballs roll right out your mouth.
Like you're a Halloween game show.
That shit can get tricky.
But we played on a field when I was on the Cubs clubs that was at a slant.
And dude, you would hit a grounder towards first base.
And by the time it got to like the outfield, it was along the third baseline.
It was just every ball.
So the best player was out there on third base or in the left field.
And I didn't, I wasn't good at it, man.
Because I would forget we were playing.
I'd forget I was playing.
I'd be out there way out in right field, picking stuff and eating it or trying stuff.
I mean, I would not eat everything that I picked.
That wasn't, I wasn't that boy.
You know, you always had that one creepy boy, just anything you find, he just slid it into his mouth.
I mean, it could be anything.
This dude, he put a damn snake in his mouth.
You know, some of these guys, they'll babysit a damn, you finally get their jaws open and they're in there, you know, they're having, you know, a couple little oysters are in there doing conjugal visits and stuff.
Some people will put anything under their tongue.
Oh, but that field, man, it was so hard.
Because if a ball went into the outfield and you got it, you had to run, dude, you had to run uphill.
It was very, I mean, it was like a damn decathlon just trying to get the ball in.
And sometimes you would throw it and it would come right back down the hill at you.
You're like, gee, well, and then at the far left field, it went sloped that way.
It sloped out.
Dude, one guy hit it.
This one fella, Mikey Donald War, and he was, my God, this guy, he was, I mean, he must have came out of the womb with a, you know, he must have came out of the womb with a damn, with capability.
And capability is when you just, when you're not, you know, when you just, when you can do something.
Have you ever done anything?
Well, that's capability right there.
And this boy just had all the athletic capability.
And he would hit that ball.
And we went to get it.
It went over the deep, off the edge, deep field.
And dude, it took you, sometimes I remember getting a ball and coming up the hill off the deep end.
And by the time I got up there, the game had been over for probably about 40 minutes.
Everybody's just knuckle deep eating snow cones.
And some of the parents are over there, you know, you know, complaining about their spouses or whatever.
This one lady would cry every time we won.
Like, bitch, you're not even have a kid on the team.
Okay, you just out here lurking.
This lady would creep us out, dude.
She'd be crying.
Somebody would hit a damn double and she would start crying like jeepers.
And she had a Don Mattingly tattoo on her fucking, on her ribs.
But she was beautiful, though.
I will say that.
She had a certain beauty about her.
You know, there's something.
There's something very American about it when somebody hits a damn double and a lady starts crying just a few feet away.
There's something, hell, I don't even know.
It's almost like it's like that movie.
It's the way I feel when I watch that movie Cinderella Man.
My heaven.
That thing will fucking get me, bro.
Cinderella Man.
What's going on?
Good to see you.
Happy November 18. And it is the year 2019.
2019.
And we are living it.
We are living through time.
I was thinking about that this weekend, how time is just such a, it won't, you can't stop it.
I mean, you just, it's on, it's just the, it's kind of like the, it's the LeBron James of mediums.
This bitch is going.
And sometimes I realize, I'm like, hey, time, time, time.
You know, I'm over here, you know, hold it up.
But time ain't fucking with you, boy.
Time ain't fucking with you.
You little assholes out here on that lopsided field.
Get your shit together.
I can't believe our town would do all of that.
Just really.
And they had regular fields.
I think they had a couple parents out there like seeing the children struggle and seeing, you'd have some kids, dude, they play baseball so much they'd have a damn, they would grow in the genetically even one of their legs almost had a little bit more reach on it.
They'd be a little bit more right-legged.
Or you'd see some of the coaches out there would measure that right leg on you during practices and stuff to see who would be able to get the best angles based on the field.
And that was, it's weird when carpentry kind of comes into a baseball.
You know, when somebody, when you got a damn subcontractor out there playing on the, you know, as the third base coach, it just gets a little kind of obtuse.
Oh, it is, it is November.
What's going on with you?
I hope you're well today.
I'm feeling okay.
I'm feeling okay, man.
I'm feeling like I'm this past week.
I've been really motivated to just get to the gym and get that pump.
Get that body pump.
And the other day I even taped off my legs with a tight tape.
And tape is something that's basically for people that's too lazy to get a rope and do something.
They made tape.
So it's really just kind of bitch rope.
And boy, I'll tape these thighs Closed and I keep my blood up top because when I needed, when I used to do that, if I would do a test or something, or you know, in school, man, if I was had a hard test, dude, you know, I'd have my both of my legs tied off, bro.
I ain't letting my blood go down to my feet and do what?
Think about what?
Slippers?
I need my blood up top.
I need my knowledge bubbling through my freaking little brain tank.
Because you got to keep the water warm up there.
You know, all these your extremities, a lot of times, they're wasting time.
I want that straight.
When I'm under pressure, I want heart to brain, heart to brain.
I don't want that, you know, your blood's out here hitchhiking and your damn, you know, that fourth finger, the one you can barely get straight, even when if you try to make it straight by itself, you know, the one?
I don't care if that bitch ever gets any blood, honestly.
I want the blood where I need it.
So you'd see me in a test, man.
My arms and legs would be turning purple.
And some of the kids would be like, dude, you alright, man?
You can't even hold your pencil.
I'm like, bitch, I'm doing social studies, okay?
And I'm trying to get a B. So I'm living what I, I got to do something for myself here.
This preservation.
And you guys out here doing that full flow.
I'm going brain to heart, boy.
And I'm living like that.
What's going on?
I'll do a little bit of laundry.
We still want some single mothers for Lafayette.
And that show's almost sold out down there December 26th.
So we'd love that.
If you want to call and recommend one or two.
We have the show in December 10th at the Wiltern in Los Angeles.
That's almost sold out.
We just put on Red Bank, New Jersey, which is the makeup show for Sayersville.
It's now at a bigger locale.
So you can get in there and sit down and feel that, feel your body in the chair.
And there's something nice about that.
When your body hits a chair, there's something.
I mean, they perfected that.
You know, a chair, it's such a perfectional piece.
Say, hey, hey, come here.
Stay right here with me.
And you do it.
Every time you see a chair, you do it.
Isn't that beautiful?
A chair is like, hey, hey, I'll be over here.
Do what you do, but you know where I'll be at.
And you get over there and you put your ass right on it.
Chairs are dirty, man.
They're going to get pink eyed.
They keep playing all these games.
Oh, okay.
What's going on with you?
Who's listening out there?
I wonder who's listening sometimes and I wonder who isn't.
I know we have a young lady named Amanda who is a longtimer.
Listener.
Thank you, Amanda.
And I'm going to give her a call now and just see who listens to this thing.
And she's a correctional officer.
Been around some seedy men.
Hello.
Hey, Amanda, what's up?
It's Theo.
Hi, how are you?
I'm doing well.
How are you today?
I'm good.
Thanks.
And now you've listened to most of this past weekend.
Yes.
Yeah, I've listened to all of them.
Okay.
And how are you doing?
I'm good.
Yeah.
Nice.
I'm just making sure you're holding up okay.
I think so, yeah.
Okay, good.
And you're a correctional officer, right?
I work in corrections.
I do admin at a jail.
And what is it like over there?
Are people, is it kind of like you see on Shawshank Redemption where people are, you know, kind of like dirty but also hopeful?
Or what's the vibe, you think?
Sometimes, yeah.
We get a lot of, you know, people fresh off the street because we're a county jail.
So they haven't been sentenced or anything.
They come to us, you know, police pick them up straight off the street, bring them to us.
So we see all kinds of people, you know, mentally unstable, you know, people who people who are currently on drugs that get brought in high.
Wow.
DUIs, people who are currently drunk, who have to, you know, stay in a detox and sleep it off.
And do they team up?
Do they put them on teams?
Is there like a team room where there's more than one man in there?
Or is it everybody gets their own room?
Well, no, when you first come in to be processed, pretty much everyone is in the same little holding cell together.
Oh, God, that's almost like American Idol or something.
I would hate that.
It's like backstage at American Idol.
Yeah.
You know, it's interesting to say the least because, you know, you have some that are aggressive and want to, you know, shadow box with themselves or other people.
And then you have, you know, people who are drunk and they just want to sleep.
So you get a whole mix of different people.
And does it get pretty, does it get kind of homoerotic at that point, or that's later in the system?
I wonder if you're seeing any of that.
Not in holding, but, you know, that does happen when they get to their housing.
Oh, yeah, you hold it for long enough, you want to put it in something, you know, and that's, but yeah, you're just in holding.
So one more question I have.
Or do you find that these people, so now, so your job exactly, so you're not escorting them back there with a weapon or anything like that.
You're not doing any of that.
Correct.
No, I do an admin side, like a Monday through Friday.
So after they come in and they're processed and they go to their tank, I coordinate programs.
So if they want to go to church or AA, GED, that sort of thing.
Oh, nice.
Yeah.
I do the secure system, which is our phone system.
So, selling phone cards, if they had any issues with their phone accounts, things like that.
Their money, their money system, if their family has an issue putting money onto their commissary account, you know, I'm the person that they would talk to to try to resolve their issues.
I see.
And are most of them, do you find like a lot of the inmates are pretty friendly towards you?
Does it vary or is there a general kind of vibe amongst inmates?
Well, because I try to, because, you know, innocent until proven guilty, a lot of them there haven't been to court.
So I try to treat people with respect as long as they respect me.
And that seems, you know, they're really receptive to that.
So.
Yeah.
But just being a female in corrections is tough.
Whether you, you know, are an officer, admin, doesn't matter.
Yeah, oh, I can totally imagine.
And do a lot of the men come over there and kind of purv out by you?
Do you have anybody, you know, doing, you know, sending you little handfuls of dirty stuff from their body or anything?
I mean, what do you get?
Do you get any gifts?
Definitely.
Wow.
No, I get notes.
I get lots of notes.
And what are they looking for?
A date?
Or is it, are they thinking, is it, what are they looking for, a date?
A couple?
Yeah.
They say, when I get out, I'm going to find you.
Okay.
Find me.
First of all, find me ain't the best way to pick a woman up.
You know what I'm saying, Mr. Criminal?
If you're a criminal, that ain't my pickup line, especially if I'm a criminal.
I'm going to find you.
I'm going to come find you.
I'm not going to, you know, no one knows who I am or where I live, but they're going to come find me.
Okay.
Have you ever engaged with an inmate?
No, just in, you know, just one-on-one.
You know, they have a question about something, answer it.
But other than that, I try not to learn too much about their lives, why they're there, you know, because it doesn't matter to me why you're there.
You know, just be, if you're respectful to me, I'll be respectful to you.
I see.
I love it.
And do you feel like it's a tough job for a woman?
Do you feel like in the prison system?
I think that men, they get more respect.
They get a lot more respect.
Whereas a female, a lot of them see you as weak or, you know, or maybe that they can try to talk you into doing something for them.
So I think it takes a special person.
Do a lot of them try to get drugs?
Yeah, they see the woman as a low-hung fruit.
Do they try to get drugs in?
Do they try to get playing cards or whistle or anything, like anything unique that they're trying to get in?
They're asking you?
Oh, not me personally.
I've never encountered that, but I've heard of instances, yes, where they try to make friends and they say, hey, you know, we're friends.
Bring in the pack of cigarettes.
But me personally, I don't want to get involved.
And I don't have constant direct contact with them like an actual corrections officer would.
I don't see them every second of my shift.
I see.
So I think that's where I have an advantage because my contact is brief.
Yeah.
So it's brief.
And have you, is there a lot of handsome men going into prison or what style of man is it visually?
No.
No.
And maybe it's maybe it's drugs.
Maybe, you know, maybe at one time they were handsome.
But, you know, where I work, I haven't seen anyone in particular that was too handsome.
A lot of four and fives, a lot of four and fives doing crime, huh?
Maybe even threes.
There's a lot of threes.
And you got to earn a three, man, because the Lord gives you five, man.
You got to earn a three.
Well, you know, when you have two teeth.
Yeah, that's true.
But when you got two, man, you got to take care of those babies.
At that point, that's not even a smile.
That's just pets.
Those are just pets in your mouth, you know?
You got to take care of them.
Right.
Well, thank you so much for listening.
I really appreciate it.
And I just wanted to say thank you.
Yeah, no problem.
I enjoy it.
And if I go to jail, I hope I see you.
Definitely.
Yep, definitely.
But don't ask for anything.
Okay.
I just want a deck of cards.
That's all I want with some pictures on the back, some nudie picks, you know?
Well, regular cards.
I can get you some off commissary, but I don't know about the nudie ones.
Well, maybe I'll just draw those on there myself.
You'll have to make them.
Yeah.
Yep.
You'll have to make them.
Find someone who's really good.
Oh, okay.
Because, you know, prison art's the best.
They really have figured out how to, you know, draw a really good nipple.
Oh, really?
Now, do you see a lot of that?
Do they confiscate a lot of that?
People drawing titty and drawing all of that?
You can draw it.
You know, you can send it out.
I've seen it.
I've seen it.
A lot of it.
Amen.
Amen.
Oh, thank you so much, Amanda.
And I hope you have a great week over there.
I appreciate it.
Thank you so much.
All right, Tedar.
Talk to you soon.
All right.
Thanks.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
And that's Amanda right there.
And thank you very much, Amanda, for listening.
And she made a list.
This is how I found her number.
She made a list of all the people that I've ever talked about from my hometown and sent it to us as like a glossary.
And a glossary is, you know, it's a list.
And you know that, don't you?
You should.
We all should.
I got to pay the bills real quick.
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Thank you guys.
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What's going on?
Being alive, you know, making it through the year.
I'm kind of amazed how time goes so fast.
You know, I was brushing on it a little earlier.
I mean, time, time just, it's like the fastest friend you have.
And you're always like, come here, buddy.
And time's like, and sometimes I find I even get angry at time in my brain.
I'm like, time.
Shut it down, guy.
You know, I'm trying to tighten up over here and you keep just making me feel loose.
Because you keep just, time is that guy, like when you're going repelling, and he just keeps throwing rope out there.
You know, like your boy Larry Time, he just roping you out.
But that's life, man.
That's life.
It's that limited time offer.
You know, life is that limited time offer where it's just so, it's the only show in town.
That's the thing.
For as much as we know.
It's the only show in town.
And so we got to grab this bastard.
Because this is it.
And we're doing it.
We're doing it, man.
We're doing it.
I'm back on that hope bus all aboard.
This bus is short, but it's hopeful, son.
Ganga.
We had some great calls that came in.
What did I do this weekend?
Oh, I did this breathing work thing.
It's called Breath of Fire.
could look it up online and it's where you you And then you hold your breath.
And you got to tighten up that little dirt dimple, that kind of t-a-i-n-t.
I don't want to say it out loud, but you know, that t-a-i-n-t area of your body, you know, that little isthmus between your uh nuts and your little back jaw, you know, down there in uh stink Ganistan, bro, that area right between your nuts and your little bee holio.
Well, you tighten that up and you hold your breath after you do all that breathing, and you're supposed to catch a little bit of a free buzz.
And it's called fire breath.
Shit, I don't know what it's called, but you do it in the morning, and it really helps you out, and you can look it up.
Um, and I met a man, this man had like a, this man, his name is Casey, no, Henry No.
Thurman, no.
Um, his name is Randy, no, breathing.
Let me see what his name is real quick.
Damn, nice man, too.
I wish I wouldn't forget his name right now.
Breathing.
Troy Casey.
That's his man.
That's his name.
And which is crazy.
I knew a kid growing up, this boy Troy Casey Walter.
And he had three first names, no last names.
And man, you're fucked, really, if that happens.
But this man only has two.
His name's Troy Casey.
And he was really cool.
And when you do that, and you do this fire breathing technique, you activate the DMT that's in your body.
And it's that free, you know, it's just like the Lord put that lollipop right into you.
And you lie, you know, first it was lollying, but now you pop in.
I'm a sucker for a sucker.
And I'll put a link to one of his videos.
And it was really, it got me feeling just, I just started to feel a little bit more gifted and it made me feel a little more motivated.
So I'm happy that I've just been running a lot this past week and I'm hopeful that I'll keep doing that.
Yeah, just, you know, it's just, it's time to just, this whole year for me, and I know I say it all the time, has just been very, I don't, I mean, maybe I share it all the time and it's all I share, but it's been really tough.
This year has been very tough for me, which, and it's hard to complain because I've had such a progressive year with work.
And it's hard to complain, but, and I don't want to.
I don't want to complain.
I just want to stay focused on feeling good.
And I can do it.
I can do it.
I've done a lot and I can do this.
So that's what I'm telling myself today.
We have some calls that came in, as always, on the hotline.
985-664-9503.
Also, what did I do this past two weeks, we did a campaign for Sam Adams.
And you'll get to see it.
It's a video.
And I don't drink.
But the campaign is really amazing.
And you don't have to drink to do the campaign, which I thought was pretty cool.
And which is also the only way that I would do it.
But it was about toasting somebody.
You know, like toasting, you know, where you really say, hey, you know, you're my buddy.
Or, you know, cheers to you.
And it was, you'll see it.
There's going to be some other of your favorite podcast people in there.
Not favorite.
I mean, you may listen to this and can't stand me, but there's going to be just a tribe of podcast people that are doing these toast someone campaigns.
And that happy hitter.
Oh, and Toronto is going to finally go on sale this week.
And the Brea, we're going to make those dates up.
I don't know when, but it's going to happen probably March.
So onward.
Here we go.
Yo, Theo, this is Marnin out here in St. Louis, man.
Morning.
And that's a great name.
And that's obviously a name you got to use before noon.
And that's got to be great because it's got to be just peaceful after that.
Nobody bothering you.
Onward, brother.
I was just hitting you off because I heard you talking about that ice cream machine in McDonald's, man.
I used to work up there.
They canned me.
And I'll tell you the truth about that thing, man.
It's always working.
It's just nobody wants to clean it.
So they just tell you it's broken all the time.
If you want some ice cream, you want to get that someday, you just tell them straight up, look, I'm going to talk to your district manager.
I know that thing works.
And I guarantee you, man, they'll fire that boy up for you.
But then you got to be careful because they probably are going to spit in it.
So remember that the next time you're hitting that late night McDonald's, don't let them pull that bullshit on you.
Gang.
They always do it.
And how much spit?
That's the question that really pops into your brain like a damn vulture with a handful of warm marbles.
I mean, that's the thing that's, you know, how much, you know, if they drop one little, you know, about a 19th of an ounce or something over to the edge, I can handle it, boy.
But if they do a, you know, if they clear the throat, I'm out.
But yeah, that's the thing.
McDonald's, I mean, here's the thing.
This is a great time for McDonald's to finally fire up the ice cream machines.
All these bitches can't be off.
All of them can't be off.
McDonald's are getting lazy.
They fighting at Popeyes.
Chick-fil-A, man, they got peace, but every now and then somebody gets choked out over there, angry about the Lord.
Bro, I'm telling you, it's all turning into the WWE.
And it's beautiful.
It's beautiful.
You're going to have everybody.
Next thing you know, it's going to be, you know, Krusty the Crab is going to be running for office.
You're going to have someone's going to give birth to a damn watermelon.
It's all merging.
This is the time.
This is the time for somebody to just pull a damn, reach into your, reach into your, you could.
This is the time.
I mean, there's all kind of stuff.
Anything.
Somebody do a backflip off of damn Wendy's.
Kids are learning baseball on slanted fields.
Okay, it's a new era where anything is possible.
And we got it.
And I'm happy to be here with you doing it.
All right, let's take another call.
Good luck out there, man.
I'm going to tell them.
I'm going to threaten that district manager.
I'm going to hit him with that slide into your DM, okay?
Because I know that they got that Sunday superintendent, and he knows the ice cream switch.
And I roll up every time it's that damn witch an hour.
Oh, it's broke.
Oh, we can't get it to.
Turn it on, Jack.
Okay?
Sorry, sir.
We out of the arm.
Oh, okay.
We do the turn it on.
I want the Sunday.
And I want the little sack of nutty nuts with it, okay?
Them little freaking little bitty.
Damn, look like you could barely get them stuck in your teeth, them little nut nuggets.
I want two packs of them bitches.
And I want it all.
Or nothing at all.
Turn on the Sunday maker.
Y'all in there laughing, thinking you just all you're gonna make all night is little cheeseburgers and this and that.
I want six happy meals, boy.
I want a fucking, I know what y'all doing in there.
Y'all back there hiding, fucking eating them nighttime McGriddles, being risky.
Well, look here, Grimace the Menace.
Turn it on.
Turn on the Sunday maker.
People driving across town to get a damn sweet, cold, frozen, icy nighttime cupped snack.
And you got the audacity to just, I don't, we, oh, um.
Oh, it's uh, I'm sorry to tell you, but no.
I'm sorry to tell you.
But I'll draw a Popeye's chicken sandwich on the wall of this fraggin' McDaniels and raise straight H-E-L-L.
Gang, bruh.
Turn it on.
I'm sorry, man.
That shit makes me mad, boy.
It makes me mad.
So that's that first call right there.
And that's the truth.
If you want the facts, you threaten that district manager.
Oh, I'm about to slide into your DM, all right.
Gang.
Let's go.
Right here, we got another call, as always, 985-664-9503.
Yo, Phil, this is Gary from Pennsylvania.
What's up, Gary?
Oh, hey, Gary.
Hey, Gary.
Hey, hey, Gary.
Hey, Gary.
You know, I thought when I was young, I thought my name was Gary for a little while because somebody lied to me, but I told myself, I forgot that it was me that had told myself that.
Isn't that crazy?
Let's hear more.
Okay, Gary.
You know, I just listened to one of the latest podcasts saying some dude called about El Chapo being down in the Sinaloa, you know, down there with the Sinaloa cartel.
Oh, yeah, that's down there with that animal sanctuary I was trying to get in with.
And I haven't heard from that guy.
I mean, that's the only thing I'm not going to invest if I can't even get a text back from the guy.
I hope he's all right.
Homeward.
And I have to agree with him, man.
I don't think this is a good investment.
Just the last few weeks, old Chapo's son was kidnapped, and his whole cartel tried to set the whole city on fire.
You know, obviously, you know, not an investment or anything, but I would recommend making him stay.
You know, specifically.
Well, look, man, I feel you.
Thank you.
I want to say that.
Thank you very much.
The only thing I'm thinking, look, if they're burning property, you know what's running out of the fire?
Animales.
Okay?
Penguins.
Giraffes.
Burros.
Parats.
Falcons.
Peros.
Gatos.
Pescados.
Armadillos.
So I'm talking about getting free.
I'm talking about getting, you know, stocking up my warehouse for free if they're down there burning it down.
So you got to think reverse psychology sometimes when it comes to an investment.
But I appreciate it, man.
Let's hear a little bit more.
I didn't mean to shut you off there, brother.
But I just don't want to see you getting screwed over.
And that shit is on fire down there.
Yeah, but here's the thing, dude.
After fire comes a lot of beauty.
Think about the Big Bang theory.
Think about that.
Think about that song, Fire on the Mountain.
You get a mountain.
Think about...
I'm out of ideas on it.
I think you do better.
And it doesn't look really good.
They're not even trying to go outside recently.
So just be careful on what you do, man.
Gang, bro.
Muchas gracias, senor, and I do appreciate that.
It's very sweet of you to call, especially, you know, probably having a little bit more of an intel to the deal.
Yeah, it's $4,500 to get in on a zoo down there.
And here's the tempting thing: I've always wanted to own a zoo.
I don't think there's a man out there that doesn't want to have a little bit of Tarzan in their nuts.
You know, you lift up my arm, you just hear, oh, you know, everybody's got that thing, that beast in them.
I got that beast infection.
And I, you know, just thinking about just being at night and just having a unicorn outside, or not a unicorn, but having a, you know, a, you know, an exotic horse with nice hair.
Think about that.
Imagine a horse that's just fucking been cornrowed, its whole body.
Nobody's doing that.
That's what we do with the Mexican zoo.
El Azuláxico de México.
So I'm saying $4,500 to get in on a, you know, on a Senaloan zoo, that's, it sounds, it doesn't sound like much.
You know what I'm saying?
You're talking about some real serious animals.
You're talking about a South American eagle.
Think about that bitch, boy.
You know what I'm saying, dude?
He's going to be bald.
He's going to have tattoos.
Bro, he's going to have fucking one of his claws real sharp.
I'm just saying, man, you're going to have some real exotic animals at that zoo.
You're going to have a giraffe, dude, maybe in a, but he got all kind of necktats.
Think about that.
MS-13, MS-14, MS-15, MS-16, and all the way on through, you know, until he graduated high school.
So there's just, the possibilities are endless on the type of animals you could have in a Mexican zoo.
So you have to think about it all.
I appreciate you, though, brother.
And thank you, man.
Thanks for calling in.
It's nice of you.
All right, let's take a call.
A question, actually.
Patreon.
Matt Nichols, where is Raising Canes on the Popeyes Chick-fil-A continuum?
You ever flirted with a Zaxby's?
And I have, I've had a little bit of Zaxby's over there.
That's out of, I think, I don't know if it's out of Nashville, but it's their version of a Popeyes or it's chicken fingers.
And when I was young, you had to go get the shit was on the bone.
These youngsters, they got it so easy with the chicken fingers.
You know, safe chicken, that's really what that is.
Dude, when I was young, you had to take a risk on, you don't know what that was.
You could be having a femur.
You could be having a damn scapula.
You didn't know what was under the breading.
But you got chicken and you got bone, guaranteed.
And you had to get through that shit.
You still had to get a little freaking, you had to get fucking immortal with that shit.
And now, you know, you can just, now you don't even have, you could fall asleep with two chicken fingers in your mouth.
You wake up fine.
Weak.
Back in the day, you had to take a chance every time you got the chicken.
You had to take a damn, a chicken chance.
And they got these easy ass buckets.
Make it through a fucking five piece.
You drinking a 40 right there.
Maybe you got a freaking couple, you know, you doing half a gram with your cousin and y'all fucking trying to get through a five piece with bones.
Now we talking teamwork, son.
Now we talking real men.
What are we talking about here?
Let's take this call.
Here we go.
Yo, Theo, it's Chuck from Mississippi.
Big Chuck.
Oh, wait.
Sorry, I forgot this question.
I'll say this about Raising Canes, and I believe it's, I want to say it's a Louisiana company.
Raising canes, I like their chicken fingers if you go.
I like the toast.
They got the toast, boy.
Dude, when I die, bury me inside some of that toast.
They got that toast.
Some of them, the toast tastes better than the damn chicken.
I'm like, what's in the toast?
Better chicken?
It's good.
So here's the thing.
If you get a mass order, this is when they fail.
They all fail, I find, when you get a mass order.
You get 200 of those fingers, and them bitches show up drooping.
Them bitches looking like they got arthritis in there.
My buddy found a fucking middle, a real middle finger and a whole thing of fingers.
And damn it, and that's fucking just good luck.
That's almost Irish.
That's almost Scottish.
But yeah, you gotta really, you gotta really want it to order that 200 piece.
And they just don't do them as well.
And that's everything.
It gets to be a lot.
The consistency isn't as valuable to the creator.
You know, the first piece you get, that's that work of art.
And after that, it's that work of effort.
And that's where things fall apart sometimes is when you get away from the work of art.
And things become a work of effort.
And that's what I find.
But I go, honestly, if I had to really rank them out, and Popeyes, the biscuits are so good.
I wouldn't get, I mean, just regular biscuits.
I don't care if they got chicken in them or not.
I like a sausage biscuit from McDaniels over there.
And they got them, dude, in the morning, I take the sausage off, put it on the side.
I jelly each side of the biscuit.
Then I have that sausage on the Side like a little steak, like a little baby morning steak.
And I'll cut into that first biscuit and have that bitch, you know, because that's almost like a little freaking pie when you look at it.
And especially if you, you know, kind of crimp the edges of it with your fingers, like a pie is.
And then I'll have a little bit of that steak, that freaking morning steak.
And then I'll finish off with that fucking baby dessert, the second half of that biscuit.
But that's, you know, for me, that happens in the airport a lot.
I'll get that hitter.
But yeah, I'll do a Zaxby's.
I haven't had enough Zaxby's, but I'm willing to do more.
And but Popeyes, man, that's the one.
If you're going to get murdered, bro, go to Popeyes.
That's the one you want to die at.
I ain't fucking dying outside of a Burger King, bro.
You can miss me with that shit.
Oh, man.
Here we go.
We got another call that came in.
Oh, wait.
Here we go.
Yo, Theo, it's Chuck from Mississippi.
Taxi Varmi buddy.
Listen, I was just thinking about your little zoo project.
What's up, Chuck?
Dude, yeah, Chuck, man.
What's going on?
Oh, you're calling about the zoo too?
Chuck sent me a whole bunch of beautiful thing of meat, elk and everything.
Elk.
Shit, I don't know what all's in there, dude.
I've had a couple pieces of it.
It is tangy.
Let's hear more.
Thanks, Chuck.
I think it's a winner, dude.
You get that zoo.
I'll come out.
I'll do the taxidermy hitter on those animals.
You want me not to feed them no more, man.
People just come, have them nice, all posed up.
Listen, I think it's a winner.
I'm going to go ahead and order some materials.
You get after you got my number, brother.
Oh, dog.
Dude, we don't have the funds for materials yet, man.
We still dealing with the preliminary ordeals.
We're still dealing with the first, you know, potential ordeals, brother.
And you got to make it through potential ordeals, baby, before you get into the secondary level, which is what you're trying to be at.
But I don't, that's not a bad idea, maybe.
Taxidermy zoo in Mexico.
Like almost like a Ripley's, believe it or not, but for animals.
And dude, some of the animals could even have a gunshot or something in them.
You know, you see a fucking largemouthed bass out there with two fucking slugs under its fin.
You're like, damn.
There's more than one way to cook a fish.
Gang, brother, thanks for calling, Chuck, man.
I miss you, dog.
I'll text you.
Thanks for the beautiful amount of meat you sent me.
Sheer God.
If it was you, I think it was you that sent it, man.
Thank you very much.
So me and Chuck, what did we do?
One day we went and did something.
Was in Louisiana?
Man, I feel bad, man.
My brain just is not holding as much water as it did.
Might take next week off.
Might take next week off.
So if there's not an episode, just know that it's nothing personal.
Just trying to relax, man.
Trying to relax.
Let's take another call.
Here we go.
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Oh, man.
That's beautiful.
And this, I got to let you know that my sister doesn't even know this is what she's getting for Christmas.
And I need some of this.
Maybe instead of tying my legs off, you get these figs.
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Or a family member, they're helping.
They're helping us.
For years, nurses, doctors, dentists, and other awesome medical professionals were forced to wear scratchy, ill-fitting scrubs.
If you look at old pictures, you'll see them in burlap out there, sometimes even just rope wrapped around their body while they're trying to put an IV or tie off a colostomy.
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At least look like you have a job during sex.
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My sister will be getting those.
Rolanda, that's my sister's name, and she's going to get those for Christmas.
Or she's getting a couple of free passes to that Sinaloa zoo, dog.
You know what I'm saying?
Somebody needs to teach an antelope how to use an AK.
Boy, shit's popping off down there.
Let's get into, let's take one more call and then maybe we'll get Nick in and go over some news.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo.
My name is L. I live in the Los Angeles area.
Hey, L. Thank you for calling.
And that's what these days people have a simple name, L. R. You know?
M. Onward.
So I've been doing improv the last two years, and there was this guy that I noticed in another class, and I immediately loved him, and I thought he was attractive.
And eventually I started my own sketch group, and I did invite this person.
You know, he's funny, but I also, you know, love him.
Yeah, you got sex on the head.
You got it.
You got a sex head, bruh.
Little lady.
More?
I found out later that he does have a girlfriend, and it's every week, and each week it gets a little bit harder to be around him because, you know, I really like him.
And so if you have any advice, please let me know.
Love you.
Thank you.
Well, it's beautiful that you care about somebody.
That's good.
It's nice that you do that.
Some people don't ever care about anybody.
Somebody would be on fire.
They walk right past them having a soda and just keep drinking the soda.
Bitch, put them out.
That's a damn, dude, a half of Dr. Pepper will save somebody probably from the waist down.
But so what I'm saying is that, yeah, I mean, that kind of sucked because you invited him in and now you got him there.
You know what I'm saying?
you bring the cat to the cradle, you can't, you're going to have to hear a meow, whether you guys are fucking or not, or doing sex or not.
Hmm.
you I think you just got to be, because at this point, if he was interested in being not, you know, getting, you know, if he was interested in really playing two-hand touch without any hands and just with penis and everything, but then he would, he would be on it.
You know, and I've been a dirt ball, so I don't really, you know, I know if he were really interested, he would probably have been on it.
And if you got him in there every week, you're throwing it at him.
You know, the improv and you telling him, oh, why don't you come over here and, you know, pretend my butt's on fire and you're a jouster.
And he's like, well, how does that make any sense?
It's like, oh, just come on.
You'll see.
Run in.
Run in with your jouster.
Yeah, I don't know.
I really can't help that situation.
That's, you know, it's just kind of sucks.
Kind of sucks there because, fuck, dude.
So many times you invite people to do something, you want to have sex with them, they don't.
And you just can't have sex with them.
It's illegal to continue to try to do it.
I mean, you can try, but, you know, you can't.
There's no way to make it happen.
You know, without magic or doing something real.
I mean, here's the thing, man.
My stepdad, it's not my real stepdad, but there's this family.
I got emancipated when I was young and I went and lived with a family in high school.
And the man is kind of like my stepdad.
And I call him that anyway because it just is more comfortable.
But he told me when he was in, I don't know when he was in, something alive, when he was alive and younger that he went to, he had a girlfriend and she got, they broke up and then she got engaged like a couple months, like maybe six, eight months, a year later.
And one night he was drinking and he just thought he was still in love with her.
He went over to her house and proposed.
He said, hey, look, I still love you and this, I'm the right guy for you.
And she said, she said, no.
And he said he was happy because the next day he realized that he was just drunk.
But so anyway, what I'm saying is it's okay to take your chances.
It's okay to put the feelers out there.
But if they're really in love and they got a happy deal going on, you know, you don't want to, you know, you don't want to, you know, piss loudly into a baby's crib.
So, but good luck out there.
And thanks for helping.
I wish I could help.
I can't help.
I cannot help.
Let's get Nick in here real quick, man.
I got to hit a meeting.
But thank you guys so much for being here.
We're going to do some news with Nick.
And then we will and then we'll get to the end.
And that's it.
That's it.
All right.
We got the news here.
Nick, what's up, man?
What's going on, man?
How you doing?
I'm doing all right, bro.
Thank you for asking.
You had a good weekend, I heard you say earlier when I came in.
What was up?
Yeah, it was fun.
Friday, just met up With some friends and played tennis for a couple hours, and then we went out to the bars after.
And Saturday, just watched the UFC, and then I went to the concert or went to a concert with the girl that I went to the Logan Paul fight with.
Oh, yeah.
Second round, huh?
Yep, yep.
I saw Lee Fields, this old soul singer.
He's like kind of James Brown-esque at Museum of Contemporary Art.
And yeah, solid weekend all around.
Dang, dude.
Getting gambled.
Gambling went really well.
Yeah, that's where you said you hit a four-hit thing, parlay?
Yeah, four-hit parlay.
Wow.
Yeah, 50 to win, 500.
Not bad.
10 times to return, I'll take it.
Damn, he'll take it.
He'll take it, man.
What do we got for the news, dude?
That second date, though, how was that?
It was good.
It was chill.
It's very easy.
She's fun.
Wow.
Yeah, yeah.
Let me try and guess her name.
Can I guess her first name?
I doubt it, but.
Okay.
That's kind of a hint.
That is true, huh?
I'm going to say...
Fuck, man.
I can't think of a good one.
I'm not going to worry about it.
Let's just get into the news, man.
Sounds good.
Sounds good.
First news topic, Thursday night from the Fallout, Miles Garrett, the Cleveland Browns linebacker, is suspended for the rest of the season.
And indefinitely after that, after ripping off Mason Rudolph's helmet and then hitting him with it during a skirmish at the end of the game.
Did you see this?
Yep.
I saw it, man.
It was, you know, I just thought it was guys being guys out there.
I really thought it was like, oh, it definitely was out of hand.
Like, you can't, it's not fair that he gets a weapon and he doesn't get a weapon.
It's true.
I think they should, you know, have him do a, you know, have the guy have a chance to have a shield or, you know, some other, let's play a fifth quarter.
I think what they want is a fifth quarter.
That would have been nice.
That would have been nice.
Four guys from each team out there with a helmet and a shield, dude, and see who wins it.
I was also amazed that not that many people came to everybody's rescue, it seemed like.
Yeah, except Marquise Pouncey, the center for the Pittsburgh.
He was the one.
He went straight hood.
He was punching and kicking Miles Garrett in the head once they had him subdued to the ground.
It was pretty wild.
He got suspended three games.
And did Rudolph get suspended or no?
No, he didn't.
And Rudolph was kind of tickling him by the neck and stuff.
Did you see that?
Yeah.
O.J. Simpson also saw it, and he really thought Mason started.
You want to hear OJs or something?
Yeah.
Look, all I know is this.
The minute Mason went after the man's helmet with his foot in his groin, it's on.
I'm hearing all these announcers saying that Garrett should be suspended.
Maybe he should.
But when a guy's trying to get your helmet off your head, and that's where it started, with his foot in your groin, it's on.
I'm just saying.
Take care.
Well, yeah.
I mean, look, OJ also will kill somebody.
I know.
So for him, it doesn't take much for it to be on.
You know what I'm saying, dude?
If you were married to me, it's on, you know?
Wow.
You know what?
There's something to that.
I thought it would have been fair if he got three games.
That's what I thought it would have been fair.
It seemed like the heat of battle.
What'd you think?
I thought he was a complete maniac.
And I seemed like my guess right when it happened was it was going to be the rest of the season suspension.
I mean, Vantes perfect.
He already got suspended for the season for the Raiders earlier just for like helmet to helmet hits.
And like, I don't know.
He swung that with kind of ill intent.
Usually I'm like, let him play, let him fight, everybody's soft.
But he really seemed like he just completely lost control and he needs to be punished.
I'm surprised, though, like a couple of weeks ago, he tweeted about he was in his car and a fan walked up to him and like acted like they wanted an autograph, but then just hauled off and punched him in the face.
And he didn't react at all in that moment.
So I just feel like that fan really caught him on a good day because otherwise he would have been murdered, essentially.
Yeah, I mean, it's just like maybe, yeah, maybe Rudolph, I don't know.
I mean, the tough thing, too, is for Rudolph, it's like, I don't know if that fueled him or didn't fuel him.
You know, I guess we'll see when he plays his next game.
If it like fired him up or if it's going to like make him more scared.
I wonder if that would have any effect.
I mean, they play each other in two weeks.
Ooh, that'll be super interesting.
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
It was nice.
It was almost like the old days.
It was almost like Bill Lambert was back.
Yeah, yeah.
I love the old late 80s, early 90s basketball fights.
They were some classics.
Oh, yeah.
I love that too, man.
Yeah, I want that fifth quarter, bro.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
Let's let it all be out there.
Leave it where it is.
Like you said, everything's turning into WWE.
It's get a Royal Rumble.
Fifth quarter.
What else we got?
So Colin Kaepernick, he finally got his wish and was able to work out in front of NFL scouts.
His workout on Saturday ended up taking place at a high school in Atlanta.
The NFL initially scheduled it for the Atlanta Falcons practice facility, but there was some back and forth with some statements made from the NFL and Colin Kaepernick's side.
And Kaepernick's side said NFL was going to deny all media access at the Falcons practice facility.
So they wanted it to be completely transparent so everybody could see theoretically how good he did.
And yeah, there's a lot of posturing on both sides.
Yeah, it felt like that.
It felt like a lot of posturing on both sides.
You know, it feels like, you know, he's probably, I don't know if he really feels scorned.
Sometimes with him, it's hard to know if he really feels scorned or if he, you know, he's kind of going out of the limelight now and if, you know, they're trying to find a way to get him back in it.
And it might not even be him at this point.
It could be his PR people.
It's interesting, whenever you get caught up in you become something that's very public, you have a lot of people chirping in your ear about how you should behave, What you should do.
You know, I really, I wonder, I wish I knew him because you would have a much better idea of what's really kind of going on.
Like, did he move it so that he could have every reporter be there so he could get more press?
Or because he's probably thinking, oh, if it's closed, then nobody will know how good I did.
They can say whatever.
I don't know.
What do you think?
Yeah, I'm just not a huge fan of him.
Say what you will about the cause, but I feel like if you sat him down and really asked, like, what are you trying to accomplish with this?
Like, you just get this long, drawn-out answer, and he can't really answer it, like, what he's doing this for.
I think it's kind of like you.
Like, people have gotten in his ear, and he's kind of an empty vessel being just steered in whichever way is going to make the quickest buck.
And I also heard, this is complete hearsay, but from someone who says they know of the situation that, like, he didn't really give a fuck about social justice issues at all.
And then he started dating some girl who was really active in that type of thing.
And that's when he got all about it.
I heard that as well.
I think I told you that even.
Was it you that told me that?
I told you with knowledge close to this situation.
Well, that's what I heard.
Or we just both heard the same thing.
Yeah, it makes you wonder because they got paid out from the NFL.
It just makes you wonder.
I don't know.
I think the NFL gives a lot of opportunity to African Americans.
So I didn't, you know, it's mostly African Americans.
So I didn't see what the, I've never, ever seen what the issue is.
And you can't tell me if Lamar Jackson was taking a knee, teams would get rid of him.
He'd still be a starting quarterback in this league.
Dude, they should make him take a knee so good.
You know, for one quarter, I'm saying, bro, we need to add more quarters, dude.
That's the problem.
This game's too short.
We're up to six.
Yeah, yeah.
What else we got?
Let's see.
A Seattle police captain was arrested in an undercover prostitution sting from his own department.
The 53-year-old Seattle veteran, police captain Randall Woolry, offered $40 to an undercover officer who was posing as a prostitute, and he was arrested on the spot.
Randall.
Dude, if you're Randall, bro, you're going down.
That's the truth.
Name seven fucking Randalls that haven't done something troublesome.
Yeah, nobody can, bro.
Yeah, that's crazy.
His own sting?
His own department's sting.
They're trying to strut down some sex trafficking.
Well, I think he should have been suspicious when it was only $40.
I don't know what he was trying to get, but.
Yeah.
You have more, I think, experience with prostitutes than myself.
What's $40 going to get you nowadays?
$40 isn't, man.
You're not going to get much at all.
For $40, you might as well just give that to your buddy, dude, and just tell him something you did.
$40, you should have saved the money.
You parlay that, you get $500, and then I can get myself.
There you go.
We might have to talk about gambling more.
Let's get one more.
All right.
The Gloveless Combat Sports Organization, Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship, has signed social media sensation Iranian Hulk.
His name is Sajjad Gharibi.
He's a 370-pound bodybuilder, and he's 27 years old.
And he's been expressing an interest in combat sports for a while.
And the announcement finally came during Bare Knuckles' ninth event this past Saturday.
And he really, he has what I've often referred to as desert fat.
You know, you get, the Kardashians have it.
Kim Kardashian has that, it's almost like very organized kind of fat, it looks like.
Like to me, this gentleman doesn't look like as much muscle as it is more of a gristle, more of a, you know, more of a hard fat.
And you can, there's, you know, I remember I dated a girl for a while that had that hard fat in her.
And it's more of a, it feels a little more outdoorsy than more, you get that soft, you know, soft fat, it just feels a little bit more like a, you know, I've said this before, but like a shit diaper.
If you feel somebody's shit diaper out from the outside of it, like a baby's after it's full.
And if you kind of squeeze it a little, it feels like that.
But yeah, this looks like that hard fat to me.
Who would this guy fight you to furniture?
Yeah, they're looking for other super heavyweights.
Whatever, it's not going to be very high-level boxing once he does get in there.
His muscles to me look like that stuff.
Like you'd see guys, they inject it with something.
I guess it's hard fat is what you're calling it.
But yeah, they inject it.
It's not real muscle and it's like dangerous for you, but they get this look that I guess is desirable to some.
That Grotox, man, it's something.
Yeah, there's something.
There's a new, yeah, that's going to be the next thing is just organized fat.
You know, people are going to get tired of doing all this muscle and at some point it's going to become more of a, you know, there's going to be more of a sculpted fat in people.
Like, oh, look how cool my fat is, you know?
Whereas not just like, look like, watch my fat be wherever it wants to be.
Look how I control my fat.
Look what I did.
You know, I have a Mount Rush more on my back.
You know, like you're going to be able to really do whatever you want with a lot of Botoxing and stuff like that.
Future is exciting.
Yeah, I mean, it's going to be wild.
And especially if this guy, I mean, who knows?
This guy could be president.
Or this guy.
And now, some of these camera angles look kind of snakey here, though.
Yeah, it definitely looks like there's some Photoshop often with a lot of stuff he puts out.
He looks like Bluto from the aforementioned Popeyes.
Yeah.
Yeah, he really does.
That's a good call.
Wow, man, I couldn't imagine being that big.
Now, I also wouldn't be shocked if you walked in and this dude was fucking a recliner, you know?
He seemed like the kind of dude that he would see a furniture and get turnt out.
But that's beautiful, man.
That desert fat.
And it really, there's something romantic about it.
That's what's going on.
Thanks, Nick.
Good luck on the third date if you go on one.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Appreciate it.
All right.
I got to go to a meeting, guys.
And I love you.
And that's going to be all today.
That's going to be all.
What's going on?
It's November.
Might not have an episode next week.
I'm not sure yet.
and you can do it.
And that's it.
That's it.
Um yeah, and everything's gonna be fine.
And that's it.
There's not a ton to think about, really.
But there's a lot to do.
So and you can do it.
So there we go, gang.
Come in.
Let's leave out on the same we came in with Spencer Jacob Grow.
And this is Celebrate.
You guys be good to yourselves because you deserve it.
And thank you.
Celebrate living.
Celebrate misery.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Celebrate our days.
Celebrate all your days.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Suiar.
Is it there?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
I'll take a quarter powder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
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