Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ Theo sits down with David Spade to talk about his new Comedy Central late night show “Lights Out”, spelling bee failures, and why he loves the Bachelor. See David Spade 10/4 - The Mirage - Las Vegas, NV https://davidspade.com ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This episode brought to you by Candid https://CandidCo.com/theo or use code THEO for $75 off BetterHelp https://betterhelp.com/theo for 10% off your 1st month Skillshare Visit https://Skillshare.com/TheoVon for 2 months free ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Music “Shine” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gunt Squad www.patreon.com/theovon Name Aaron Rasche Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alex Wang Alexa harvey Andrew Valish Angelo Raygun Annmarie Reilly Anthony Holcombe Ashley Konicki Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Herron Benjamin Streit Bobby Hogan Brandon Brandon Woolsey Christian Coyne Christina Peters Christopher Becking Claire Tinkler Cody Cummings Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Crystal Dan Draper Dan Perdue Danielle Fitzgerald Danny Crook David Christopher David Witkowski Dentist the menace Diana Morton Dionne Enoch Doug C Dusty Baker Eric Tobey Faye Dvorchak Felicity Black Gillian Neale Ginger Levesque Grant Stonex Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter Jameson Flood Jayme Sta Jeffrey Lusero Jeremy Siddens Jeremy Weiner Joakim Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joel Henson Joey Piemonte John Kutch Johnathan Jensen Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan Josh Cowger Josh Nemeyer Joy Hammonds Justin Doerr Justin L justin marcoux Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kirk Cahill kristen rogers Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Laszlo Csekey Lawrence Abinosa Lea Rashka Leighton Fields Luke Bennett Madeline Matthews Mandy Picke'l Marisa Bruno Matt Nichols Meaghan Lewis Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mike Poe Mona McCune Nick Roma Nikolas Koob Noah Bissell NYCWendy1 OK Qie Jenkins Ranger Rick Robyn Tatu Rohail Ruben Prado Ryan Hawkins Sagar Jha Sarah Anderson Sean Scott Secka Kauz Shane Pacheco Shona MacArthur Stephen Trottier Suzanne O'Reilly Theo Wren Thomas Adair Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tugzy Mills Tyler Harrington (TJ) Vanessa Amaya Victor I tuck back and sit down to pee Johnson II Vince Gonsalves Vlog Master William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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And I lost the spelling beauty to a girl in fifth grade who got pregnant.
Shut the fuck up.
I swear to God.
This girl named Helena, Big Helena, I think was her full name, bro.
Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories I see a hair pop out.
I light it on fire in front of the other hairs.
Show what happens to a quitter.
For me, it's like Band of Brothers.
I feel like if one goes down, I want to send in Matt Damon to like save it.
Or I want to send Tom Hanks.
Like it's really, it's gotten to the point where I need him so much.
But the funny thing is, you're known for your cool hair, and everyone likes your hair.
By the way, hair, you're cool looking too, but hair is 80% of being cool.
That's cool.
Hair is.
Hair is a big deal.
And you have good hair, but I didn't know you had any trouble with it.
Yeah.
So you don't think it, but when you're living with the hair, then you see the crop.
You see what's going on.
You see some fucking forest between the trees.
And you know more than anyone, man.
I used to mirror and go, what the fuck?
And other people start to think you're crazy.
And then once you start obsessing on it, you just get more and more obsessed on it.
Easy to obsess about.
Hair is a great one because the people that have hair, there's bums with better hair than me.
These fucking bums.
And I'm like daintily drying my hair with a napkin.
Meanwhile, they're like rubbing a rock on it every morning.
And it just gets better.
You know what I mean?
Like, you see, bums with the, not bums, whatever they call them.
No, but outdoors.
Yeah.
Outdoors you got highway under the freeway.
And they look cooler.
I wanted to do Pimp My Bum.
Yeah.
Where you go there and you clean them up.
You get like some kids to clean them up for college credit and then they try to get them a job.
Get him a necklace or something?
Well, I don't know.
I could see in Sedona buying a bunch of turquoise necklace.
Just get them a turquoise necklace and say, hey, man, it's going to flip your life around.
I could see that, dude.
My mom lives out in Tucson, and she's definitely turning like a real turquoise junkie.
My mom loves turquoise.
I think moms love turquoise.
Yeah.
It's pretty funny how they, my mom has a squash blossom necklace from Gilbert Ortegas.
That's like, because I'm from Arizona and they have a lot of Indian, you know, real Indians that they do.
They make jewelry.
So this has a lot of silver and turquoise and like a big horseshoe in the middle.
It's pretty crazy because they were worth a lot.
She made me hold one once in my car when I was a little dirtball.
And they're for good luck?
They're just, they're for good looks and, you know, very decorative Indian jewelry.
And then I left it my 62 Volvo when I ran out of gas.
I left it for three days because I couldn't get, you know, when you're.
Oh, it's hard to take a necklace with the out of the way.
You're a fucking loser.
I just walk back.
And then I'm like, I can't get back there the next day to get it.
And then I'm working.
So I finally get there and I didn't realize my door has no lock.
Someone stole it.
Uh-uh.
And I had to tell my mom.
She's crushed.
Yeah.
And that's crazy.
Did you ever go look for a duplicate of it to try and have it?
I didn't have any money, but yeah, I mean, I see them in those stores.
I just waited and then I bought her a house later.
Oh, there you go.
It took a long time.
The old buying the mom a house is really the peak of showbiz where you go, if I can go long enough and make enough where I can get her a place.
If you're, you know, and your mom, my mom was the best.
And are you paying, now when you do that, do you pay your buying the house outright?
There's no payment on it?
On this one, I bought it outright.
But first time I bought her something was a car.
I waited till I could get it outright because I didn't want another payment.
So I felt like I wasn't ready if I had to do all the payments.
In a repo, it is embarrassing when I get to your mom's house and jacket back.
Yeah, if a show gets canceled, you're like, damn, you're living there now?
My mom's like, someone stole my jaguar.
I'm like, I wouldn't report it.
Best thing to do is not report it.
You have it parked behind the house.
Yeah, she doesn't even know because it's repo man comes.
Yeah, dude, I've been getting nerfed, but this hair, for some reason, it started to take over all my thoughts and everything.
It's like started to...
They have this guy, Dr. Kayen in Beverly Hills, and I'm going to get them taken out and put in.
Yeah, there's a lot of good guys, and they've got it down to a freaking science.
Yeah.
They have like a robot comes in.
But I can't say names, but there's people I know that do it.
But Johnny Farley, I will out him because he got about, you know, 100.
One of the Farley brothers?
Yeah, he's kind of like, he's kind of pretty much horseshoe bald.
You know, he got hit hard.
But he went in there.
Dennis Miller used to say, this guy's got more plugs in the last two minutes of Carson.
And so he put them in there, but they like grow straight in the air.
And so when I have him on the show, he just spits on it and makes it go straight up.
He looks like that fucking clown and it.
And Norm outed him the other night and said, oh, I saw that episode.
And he's been in his car.
And he goes, right in the middle of the bit, we're doing some phony bit where Johnny's the PA with Kurt Bush.
And then Norm goes, hey, Johnny, your plugs are really working it tonight.
And he just stops and goes, thanks, Norm.
I go, Johnny, get back to the bit.
Now his head is spinning going, you just tell everyone.
This plug, that guy, I mean, yeah, but that guy, all he has is like 19 hairs.
Like, it's almost like a fantasy lineup that he put into his head.
It looks like.
He's got the bare men skeleton crew in there.
I remember when I was.
I was definitely the night ship.
I was on SNL and I knew a guy there that got something way back.
And they were like four manhole covers they put on your head.
It was like each one had like 100 hairs.
So it was like a doll, you know.
But I think like girls with boob jobs, guys with hair, it's just mandatory at this point.
I mean, I'm still shocked.
Girls do lips and no one's even embarrassed anymore.
They're just like, I'm doing fucking everything to claw and stay in my 20s or 30s or 40s or whatever it is.
Yeah.
I feel like sometimes that all that stuff and the girls get makes them look older, you know.
Well, some of them makes them look a little lumpy, like they've been like a, not kind of in a, like a, you know, some lady's face could seem kind of uneven sometimes.
The older ladies, sometimes their eyes will start to get...
Yeah.
You're like, whoa.
Because it's like they sleep on their side and their eyes an inch higher and it doesn't settle until around noon.
Yeah.
Because on plastic, they're not allowed in the ocean.
There's so much plastic in their face.
If you want to catch them high to hot, you got to hit them between 11 and 1 p.m.
And then they're like, it's even.
Oh, tilting the other way now.
I get it, but I don't even really, you know, we make fun of it on the show of anybody.
But the truth is, we do.
I would do the same thing.
Was it nerve-wracking having Norm and I felt anxious for you Norm and Leno?
Because Norm is such a throwing dynamite in like a children's yard.
I checked ahead that Norm likes Leno.
And, you know, Leno is a great guy.
I've done his show a million times in the old days.
And he was a great comic.
He got on Letterman and was doing, I don't know if you remember because you're young, but he was a guest on Letterman.
He was so funny and very edgy that Letterman, you know, put him on so much and then Carson put him on.
I think then he was guest hosting Carson.
Oh, wow.
But when he had to be a full host on Carson or took over, then he got a little bit of flack from comics for being not like sellout, you know, half a little jealousy, but a little like people were like, he had to tamper it down a bit, which you have to, I mean, if he's on a network show.
Yeah.
So they gave him a little greed for that.
And then the whole Conan thing, which is hard.
You know, I didn't really take sides on that.
Leno's always been nice to me.
I love Conan.
So I try to stay out of that one.
It doesn't really affect me.
And then Leno called me after about a week on the air to say, I watch every show.
I love the jokes.
There's more jokes per minute, anything on TV.
The algorithm is great.
You don't talk about politics.
You don't get into tense arguments.
You don't make people feel cringy watching like, because you're for this.
Now they suddenly hate you.
And I said, that's the idea.
I mean, ideally, that's what we're trying to do.
I'm too stupid for politics.
I don't really want to get into it.
Everyone else is.
Everyone's better at it.
I got Trevor right before me better at it.
So I just want to fuck around, have fun.
Like it's almost a podcast.
It's like buddies hanging around and try to cram jokes in and make them look fluid.
And half of them are fluid because you don't know what the other guy's going to say.
So you just roll with it.
Yeah.
And then what we're getting to you is then Jay said, if you want me to come on, I'd love to.
And I said, of course.
You know, he's a guy that's just a joke machine.
That's what we need.
And then the idea of who do I put him with?
You almost don't need anyone.
Right.
That's what I was thinking.
I was like, wow, it was really nice of him also to go and just be always going to be the top banana, but to be just a banana in the bunch.
And, you know, also, you know, in the comedy world, like if I see a comic on the road, when you're on the road, it's usually you talk to other comics.
You're like, oh, I know this guy.
Oh, yeah, he middled for me here.
Oh, I used to open for Dennis Miller.
You know, we all talk shit.
Just talk comedian stuff.
So comedy is something where I could even walk up to Seinfeld in the old days.
And if you're a comic and you're on that list and you just tell someone you're a comic, they sort of treat you equally.
They're pretty cool.
Most comics, you're in the club with them and they're nice.
You know what I mean?
Like I try to be at the store.
There's guys that are doing better than me, guys are doing worse, but you try to just treat everyone the same because you're all in the comedy world.
And we all know how hard it is.
We all know this guy could blow up fucking tomorrow and you could work for this guy the next day because it's just how it is.
That's crazy.
And now and how tough the world is.
So I think Leno is old school saying, hey, you tell me.
You want me to sit on that panel with a bunch of comedians?
I'll sit with comedians and bullshit.
And I think he likes to be a comedian still.
Yeah.
And, uh, Yeah.
We have Martin Short coming up, and I'm like, maybe put Maya Rudolph with him because she's funny and weird.
Maybe just have those two.
Yeah.
Because they goof around.
I might want to do a Q ⁇ A soon, have people ask from the crowd.
Oh, that'd be great.
Because it's just fun.
Me normally.
I want it to be longer.
I know.
You know what?
I think it feels fast, which is ultimately a compliment.
Right, it's good.
Yeah, be good, be gone.
Yeah, get it done.
Make people want more.
I think what it is, is like if I go on Allen, I'm probably doing 15 minutes out there, you know, at least.
Sometimes longer.
Like, she'll go, just do the whole show.
Because I see why now it's relaxing for her.
She just goes, that was your weekend, lights a cigarette.
Then I'm like, anyway, I went to the Rolling Stones concert.
I just go on and on and on.
And she's like, okay, let's go to commercial.
That's better for her.
And I understand that.
And then, because sometimes doing the show as a host, which I've never hosted, I don't want to go interview people really.
I just want to shoot the shit with comics and laugh.
So like the hard part is they only get a little bit of time, you know, because it's three people.
And you have three egos.
There's always a little ego when you're sitting there.
Sure.
And Chelsea, you know, Handler did it and she did it well.
But I think she made herself sort of a traffic cop.
It's easier.
I mean, you just say, which I could see doing that.
You just go, you guys are the funny one.
Like, just go, I'm going to chirp in when I feel like it.
Yeah.
Basically, here's the question.
What do you think of this?
And then they go.
And it'll, I'm sure, turn into some form of that.
But I like to throw in jokes now.
So now it's like four people.
Right.
Yeah, because you're, yeah, you're coming to the end, too.
It's not like you're sitting there.
It's not like you're chopped liver.
And so we don't need that's the decision.
I like chopped liver.
That's a good one.
Have you ever had it?
It's still out there.
No, but I just picture it.
It sounds gross.
People, I guess, hate it because everybody's like, it's always like the last thing.
It gets a bad rap.
You know what else gets a bad rap?
Fish, when people go, this smells fishy.
Because I feel like bad for the fish because he goes, yeah, I'm a fish.
And they're like, oh, fishy is, by the way, the grossest thing you could smell.
And they're like, I am a fish.
Why is that gross?
I'm just smelling like to other fishes.
It's cool, but to other, to humans, they hate it.
Sometimes I wonder if fish are male or female when they're on my plate.
You know?
And some of them always cross my mind.
Oh, you ask who?
I'll ask the waiter.
Oh.
And they'll be like, let me check.
And they never come back.
So I'll quit working there sometimes at that point.
That's funny.
They should leave the building because they don't get that a lot, I'm sure.
They're like, fuck me.
Are you eating fish dick?
How do you figure this out?
Yeah.
Maybe I was eating fish sticks instead of fish sticks as a kid.
Yeah, I just want to know.
I just want to make sure I'm not eating fish dicks, man.
fish sticks were good.
Remember them?
Oh, I mean, in the lazy mom fucking dictionary.
It's so perfect.
Or the kids, you would have to make them yourself.
Did you ever have to make your own or your mom made them?
The greatest thing is you could be a lazy mom, and what you're doing is giving your kids a dream.
Like if she goes, all right, fish sticks.
And I'm like, she did it.
It's my birthday.
Meanwhile, she's like, fucking throw that goddamn cookie sheet.
Put eight of those bitches on there.
Dude, pizza rolls we had, fish sticks, the easiest shit, and I loved it so much.
Well, pizza rolls isn't really a dinner.
I think fish sticks, at least you have that element of, you know, you got a protein in one of your meals.
There's definitely fish in there.
One of the food groups.
Yeah.
Fucking 90% breading.
I like the fish.
I go to McDonald's and I go through the drive-thru and I go, what's the filet of fish of the day?
And they go, excuse me.
And I go, is it Branzino?
It's not swordfish again.
And they go, they just pause and I go, quarter pound of cheese.
They're like, okay, quarter pound of cheese.
They don't know what to say.
Dude, one thing about fish, though, is some of them have those little bones in it and they never act like they do.
You know what I'm talking about?
Like sometimes you'll get a part of the fish, you're like, oh, there's eight little bones.
It's grotesque.
Yeah, the hard part about fish is I see them, first of all, when they bring the fish with the head to the table, I'm fucking out.
I don't want to see them going, why me?
I thought we were friends.
That's very Jamaican.
I don't like that.
It's sickening.
I don't like eating the eyeball, which please call it a delicacy.
I mean, I like when they label it a delicacy.
You're not tricking me.
Well, dude, even when they give you the head, you don't eat the eyeball.
You just leave it in there.
I don't know.
Some people, like other countries, they think different parts are great.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm sure shit we eat is gross, but I'm used to it now.
I don't think I can start with some of the stuff they eat.
It's too late in the game.
Like, I ate Liverwurst as a kid, and I liked it.
Somehow, my mom snuck that in there, and then I like it with mustard on toast.
But today, I wouldn't start with Liverworst.
Yeah, we used to get a cut of spam every now and then, a cut of hot spam, and that shit was fire, boy.
Sick has it good?
I don't even know what it is.
Dude, it's real.
Yeah, man.
Is it outside the four-food group?
I think it's definitely.
I would say it's orbiting.
It's in the vicinity.
It was good, man.
You know, I used to get a horny for was Devil's Food because I heard commercials and it sounded good, but I don't even know what it was.
Devil's Food?
Yeah, have you ever heard of that?
Are you allowed to talk?
I am.
Okay.
Devil's Food Cake.
Yeah.
Well, there's devil's food cake.
What is...
Devil's Food is nothing.
It's nothing.
I think it's popular.
I'm thinking of not spam, but there's something also like I'll get to it, but it's sickening.
There was Torp or something?
No, there was.
I know, but I'm just thinking of all the gross foods there.
Hog's head cheese was popular when I was young.
We'd go at lunch.
We'd go to the IJA and watch a lot of older people sit down on a bench and eat it.
I like the scenario.
You put it in a setting.
I would be.
And they'd shape it into a little hog, too, back in the day for you.
They'd shape it to what?
You know, like a hog, you know, like a swine.
Oh, grosser.
I had, my big thing was, this is why I'm malnutrition and fucking barely alive, is that I grew up and didn't have one fucking glass of water for about 22 years.
That wasn't really a thing.
Yeah, even in the desert, only if you're going to the desert, you bring a canteen.
But if you live there, that's crazy.
We weren't big on that.
And what it was, when you know more about food now, I woke up in the morning, went to school.
My mom went to work.
So I would eat cereal, which was like, you know, fruity pebbles or something.
You could not lose.
You went to grab any of my cereal boxes.
Captain Crunch, 10 out of 10. Wow.
Fucking King Vitamin.
That was an old one.
Applejacks.
Life, did you do that one too?
That's a 7 out of 10. It wasn't sugary enough.
I need Count Chocula.
I need the basics, right?
Oh, wow.
And then I remember Seinfeld once said, cookie crispy.
Now it's just a bowl of cookies.
I mean, we gave up.
You're giving your kids a bowl of cookies.
So I'd go, so that's all the sugar, right?
Right.
Drink the milk, whole thing.
Go to work.
I mean, go to school.
Got there early, grabbed some M ⁇ Ms or a cinnamon roll.
Oh, wow.
Pure sugar was.
Sugar, sugar, sugar.
Lunch, cheeseburger fries, Coke.
And then at school, I blacked out once.
Our big thing.
What do you mean by that?
Like, I just blocked out at school playing basketball.
And then I went to the doctor, and then I blacked out again a couple days later.
And they said, you either have leukemia or low blood sugar.
And the bets were on.
And I wound up with low blood sugar.
So I thought, do I need more sugar?
Yeah.
I think that would be what you need.
Yeah, they trick you.
So I ate more, passed out again.
And then I started drinking diet Pepsi in high school, which was really good.
Yeah, it's a little iffy.
Yeah, I couldn't even see a young man having a can of that.
Let's just say in high school it didn't fly.
But I had to.
I couldn't eat sugar.
They said no more sugar.
I was like, you are fucking kidding me.
So it must have been nerd alert where kids like, Jesus, this dude's not a drill.
Major nerd alert affecting all four counties in Arizona.
All the other schools heard about it.
So I'm sitting there eating, but I still would, I'm like, I'm only have 10 cookies today.
Like this is, I was cutting back, but my body was not getting any nutrition.
When we were eating good food at night, I swear to God, it was fucking lean cuisine.
That was our bigger.
Which today would probably make me sick.
It's a Ziploc of gloop with a gloppy fit.
It has salt in it.
It has good salt in it.
It has a lot of good salts.
What's good salt?
Is it really the good kind of salt or is it just?
Definitely, man.
My mom had one last night, dude.
I couldn't even talk to her.
She was woofing that on a lean cuisine?
No, she's a good one.
She's got a turkey TV dinner.
So every now and then she likes to get a little TV dinner over there.
Where's your mom?
Is she around?
Yeah, she lives in Tucson.
Oh, that's right.
You said Tucson.
So she's out there, dude.
I used to live in Tucson.
Dude, we had a mailman when I lived there.
He would drive by late, off hours, bro, and fucking furious at his wife.
He'd always be yelling shit about her, even though she wasn't in the mail truck, and fucking throw the mail out.
Oh, and he'd be mad at you?
Yeah.
Or just anybody, just throwing the mail out into the yard, not even using the box.
I love anger.
You know, the kids today, I guess we do still have mailmen.
I forgot.
now I feel like it's just somebody that kids, everybody reports them always as like pedophiles, predators.
It's like they don't get a good rap out there.
If you're still like, yeah, traveling around doing stuff, everybody like I saw a guy yesterday and he was just like a construction worker.
And I was like, oh man, that guy might be a sexual predator.
You know, for no reason other than the fact that he has an oddball job or something.
Yeah, that he's just gainfully employed.
Yeah.
And like working hard.
What about all those jobs where they get around kids?
It's like a bonanza.
What if you're a wrestling coach in high school?
Like, you know, you just wrestle kids and slap them on the ass all day.
You never know.
That's like volleyball coach.
No way you're getting busted.
There's no way you're being around all those chicks.
Or not chicks, young girls.
All those jobs were, I mean, gymnastics.
I think they're onto that one.
But I just look back and go.
How could you know?
There's so many pervs.
Yeah, I remember...
We had a couple pervs at our school.
Half of them went to jail.
I think my friend's a child molester, you know?
But I want to get more data before I hand him in because it's only a hunch right now.
I went to his house.
He's watching the Little League World series.
I go, I don't like it, you know.
And then I tried to get him out.
I go, are you, you know one of the kids?
And he goes, nah.
He goes, but look at those calves, man.
These are athletes.
I go, they're not really.
They're 12. Yeah, and you can't see their calves either.
A lot of them have long paint flaws.
Yeah, no, he's just dreaming about it, I think.
Yeah, that's just guessing.
You're just kind of guessing leg muscle.
But I will tell you, I can honestly say little girls, little kids are cute, just cute.
Yeah.
And that's extinct.
You cannot say that.
You see anybody with their kid, or they got a seven-year-old, and I go, oh, your daughter's cute.
They're like, huh?
And then they like shuffle them away.
What do you do?
Like a king creepo.
Yeah.
And I'm going to say handsome.
You have to say if it's a very handsome child, that's handsome to a woman.
Oh, you say handsome to a girl.
Yeah.
I'll be like, wow, it's a handsome kid.
Hopefully it's an adult soon.
It's hard.
It's hard because, you know, I say, hey, listen, I'm no child monster.
Believe me.
I'm not starting with your kid.
She's not that great.
I'll start with that kid.
I saw at the carnival three nights ago with short pants on.
That's number one.
I'll start with a nice Latino kid with the slick back hair.
Your kid is down the waiver wire, I'm telling you.
Yeah, I'm not starting with this pasty looking fuck.
She's no John Bonnet, no offense.
What do you think happened with John Bonet?
Let's go.
Why do I love anything about JonBenet?
It's too...
Nice hair.
Talented.
Talented.
Showman.
Showman.
Showmanship.
Working through the test, like standing the test of time, kind of like continuing to stay relevant.
That's true.
John Bonet is still more famous than me, which sucks.
But I was a little, I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy.
I was a little bit of that little, look at me, kid.
Were you really?
Attention Seeker.
Did you do any, you didn't do chorus or anything at school, did you?
Because that is really.
No, I was straight.
But what happened was, no, I was, I think because my dad left us when I was four, I look back to think, is that why I was always like.
Entertaining?
Yeah.
Thinking maybe he'd see you.
Gross.
I don't know.
That's a good angle, though.
Because I used to get throw fits.
I had a bad temper and I'd smash trophies in my room.
This is just a look at this white privilege.
And I don't even know if that's white privilege, bro.
That's just, well, what is it?
Smashing your trophy.
No one lies that I had any trophies.
I had one trophy.
I had a participation trophy.
Dude, I got a trophy one time.
It was a plaque and they misspelled half the shit on it from our school.
And I was like, fuck.
And that was your big break.
Yeah.
And they fucked it up.
And I lost the spelling beauty to a girl in fifth grade who got pregnant.
Shut the fuck up.
Swear to God.
This girl named Helena, or Big Helena, I think was her full name, bro.
And dude, nobody thought you could spell.
Nobody thought you could even speak.
No one thought she could get knocked off the shirt.
Jesus.
So she was a real overcomer, dude.
Or just someone who accepted cum, you know?
And she, sorry about that part.
My trophy was for the shortest first in school.
No way.
No, it wasn't a trophy, but I got one for Lil League just for being on some team, but I broke it.
My mom was like, oh.
It broke her heart?
Yeah, because I think I was mad and my dad left.
I think.
I look back, why was I so fucking mad all the time?
You probably have to be.
If you're a kid, that's all.
Yeah, you'd have to be.
Dude, it's funny sometimes I think that.
I interrupted you, though.
You were just talking about the girl that got knocked up.
Oh, Helena.
I don't know what she's doing now.
You guys still stay in touch or no?
No, dude.
I lost on inconvenience and I should have had it and I still can't touch.
Oh, you did?
Yeah.
I lost.
I went to state and I thought I was king fucking cock.
I walked into state finals like this, like some Indian kid.
I walked up there.
I got smoked on the first word.
They go, apparatus.
I go, easy.
A P A P P. They go, bing, gone.
I go, no, no.
You can't change it.
I try to change it in the middle.
Wow.
And I slammed.
Oh, you can't change once you put a letter.
That was it.
Yeah, I think so.
Back in my AZ, strict rules.
But yeah, the rules were a lot stricter then.
What did you lose?
Inconvenience?
That's a tough thing.
Inconvenience.
Yeah, I just, and I was showboating up there.
Everybody was watching, dude.
Finally, a couple chicks looked up from whatever they were like, you know, the love letters they were writing to my friend Scott.
Not quite as drenched as you thought they'd be because you could almost spell inconvenience.
Yeah.
Nobody cared.
And then big Helena fucking shit shook me.
She comes up and drinks her water.
She got that of all words.
I was like, you gotta be kidding me.
She should have got abortion.
Yeah, that would have been crazy.
And dude, she was built like an adult, though.
Like, that's one thing you don't see anymore.
Like, when I was younger, they had children that were built like fucking adults.
Yeah.
You know, we had kids who wore like, we had kids who came to school with just oil stains on them.
Like, they were ready.
Like, in.
Tats.
They're ready to throw down.
Ready to go to work as soon as they're going to.
Yeah, go right to a garage.
Yeah.
Like, undeniable.
Like, half the kids would leave school and go to work somewhere, even at young ages, it seemed like.
And now these kids, you know, it's just different.
There's crying meetups.
Crying meetups.
We should have one of those.
Yeah.
I mean, Sebastian said at the end of the VMAs that they had a room, if anybody was triggered, they had a room backstage for people that… Yeah.
Oh, he must have had a feel name with that one.
They were alarmed.
I remember when Sebastian was doing that, I almost wanted to say it to him.
I don't know him well enough.
I do like the guy because there's no way to say it, but I did Teen Choice once I hosted, and I wrote for Dana at the VMAs, and it's just a tough room.
I mean, they don't give a fuck.
If you're over 22, I even just presented at the MTV Awards with Aubrey Plaza.
And she's like, what's our bit?
I'm like, Aubrey, you're funny.
And no one gives a fuck.
We can give our best shit out there.
They don't care.
So they had some guy, this guy, Noah.
He's a good-looking dude from one of the movies that kills on Netflix or something.
He's got trillions of followers.
I couldn't walk right past him.
I know him.
Noah.
From the Bible I know, and Trevor Noah.
Yeah.
This Noah is fucking bigger than both, all three.
He goes out there and every chick is like, like it was bananas.
It was Beatles.
He couldn't even do any, and he did some, then he sat on the floor, and they thought that was hysterical.
I'm like, this guy's out of fucking jokes already.
But he could do no wrong.
And then these girls were just like, it was Katrina.
They were all fucking sliding off their seats.
And they were, you know, teenagers.
I shouldn't say that.
They were some adults.
18 years old.
Yeah, they were 18 and they were horny.
Then he finally leaves and they introduce us, ladies and gentlemen, basically children, would you please welcome these two fucking assholes?
So we walk out.
They could not give a fuck.
They were all mad.
Their face went, wait, he's still in the building.
Why the fuck are you?
Wait, we're still applauding.
We still are creaming over this guy.
Why are you?
Then we start talking.
They're like, no.
And then I'm like, hey, Aubrey, blah, blah.
And they're like, shut the fuck up.
They hate it.
in there and they're blocking me on Instagram.
Who are you?
How do you spell it?
And block.
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And now back to the episode.
Dude, your Instagram is, you do, if people don't know it, you do some of the best Bachelor coverage on IG, man.
It's not helping my straight case.
No, well, actually, the funny thing was I remember when you invited me over to watch The Bachelor.
Oh, yeah.
The Bachelorette.
Oh, we had a blast.
And then, yeah, no, we had a blast, definitely.
You also, I had to sit on the sofa.
You sat behind me in the chair.
I didn't want you to think I was making any moves.
Oh, I didn't think that, bro.
Except for murder me.
And you're like, why do I?
And you turn around, I'm in a pennywise costume.
Yeah, it's like, why do I, bro?
No, it was my, because my fucking back.
I can't sit on that couch.
Well, dude, then don't have other people sit on it in front of you like that.
I should tell people, listen.
Here, just tell them a little more.
You probably won't get killed, yeah.
Because I didn't know you that good, that's right.
No, and it was just like, all right.
And I was like one of those creepy kids in the movies that walks with my knees go the wrong way.
And I'm like, don't mind me.
And you're like, what the fuck?
You know, if I see a movie, first of all, I never see scary movies.
If I see like a little girl in a dress who's like 10 and she has black hair in her face and she walks with her knees go the wrong way, the joints, I'm out.
There's not a fucking chance I'm seeing that movie.
Oh, she's from outside of the city limits.
Dude, we got a question right here that came in from the movie.
Oh, we have a question?
How does this happen?
They sent him in.
We let him know they were going to come in yesterday.
Oh, we need headphones for this on it.
Yeah, okay, go ahead.
It's a complicated show.
Vince Spade is a fan of The Bachelor.
And my question for him is, if you could change the format, be the new Chris Harrison, mix things up, what would you do to change it?
What was her name?
Do you remember?
Shelby.
She didn't say it.
Shelby.
Very beautiful of age girl, too.
She was very calm in her question.
She wasn't fanning out, which I sort of wanted.
I wanted her to go, oh my God, I can't even think of my question.
It's David's fan.
I'm so nervous.
So nervous to tape this that he might see one.
So The Bachelor, I do like.
What do you like about it?
Just for the stupidity of it.
I don't know.
You know, it's got cute girls, and I just fun to make fun of everyone.
I don't know.
Oh, yeah, that's why I like it too, actually.
And every girl knows about it.
So if you talk about it, they have something to talk about.
He had something in common with it.
And they're all single girls.
And 29 of them are losing.
So you go, well, you're going to run into them at Pizza Hut.
And they're like, well, you don't have a boyfriend.
So at least it's not like you're creeping on some married show.
Yeah.
Look at all these hot married girls.
So it's just more for comedy and fodder.
But I think, I don't know what I would change because they obviously have it wired.
I do like this new situation, which you wouldn't know where there's a guy named Tyler.
He's like a, I remember going, this guy's too good looking.
He's on the bachelor.
He's vying for the one girl, Hannah.
I think he's going to win it all because he's just good looking, but he's a bit of a dud, but it's never stopped any guy from getting laid, right?
So he doesn't get picked.
He's the third runner.
So they're going, he's going to be the next bachelor.
And then in this new crazy world, Gigi Hadid says, this guy's hot.
Wow.
And so now they're dating.
Now they're dating.
No.
And guess what?
Not only dating, they're dating every second of every day.
You know, couples are like velcro monkeys, like shoom, like just together right away like magnets.
He went to her grandma's funeral with her.
Went to her grandma's funeral.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's very Native American, too.
My thing is, first of all, these guys that have so much free time.
So a girl likes you, you fly to New York or whatever, I don't know where he lives, and you don't leave her fucking sight.
Do you have one thing to do in the last six weeks you've been with her?
A haircut, a dentist appointment.
I have shit to do.
You need to remember something you left somewhere.
Yeah, you can go, hey, I can see you this afternoon, this morning, I got a couple things I got to do.
I got to work out, whatever.
No, he has 24 hours a fucking day.
Obviously not a job.
They never have jobs.
They always quit the job to go on the bachelor.
They're going to the bachelor.
Yeah, this is Stedman.
This is like the new Stedman.
Yeah, and look at it.
He's hot, though.
Wow.
He's on the left.
No, he is very handsome, I will say.
He's good at that funeral.
Look at him.
He could have, yeah, you almost wish the grandmother was alive to get a good look at him.
He said the grandma was in the coffin and he and he saw the roses.
He goes, when is she going to give them out?
Because he didn't know anything else.
He doesn't know anything else.
If I get one, I'm going to reject it.
Now, this is intense.
There you go.
Dude, he is ripped.
Do you think men are more handsome since you have gotten older or when you were younger?
I didn't know what good-looking guys were growing up.
Like, I couldn't tell.
Now, when you get all the data of what girls like, you can start to say, oh, this guy's good.
This guy's handsome.
I never look from the, I never look waist down, though.
You don't do that.
I don't.
Oh, I don't.
Yeah, I don't either.
I'll look at this picture of this man, but I will only, like, my eyes can't even find it.
I never knew that part because a girl I went out with said about two years ago.
She goes, I saw Harry Stouse.
And then she goes, look at this picture of him.
And I go, right?
He's in a suit.
And she goes, where's his dick?
I go, what do you mean?
She goes, look where his dick is.
You can't even see it sitting down.
I go, why would his dick be popping out of his pants?
She goes, all I do is look at guys' dicks all day in their pants.
I go, fucking ain't really?
I go, no one's, my dick's not doing anything in the day.
Like, I'm getting screwed on that deal because I don't want to walk around slapping together a half a rod just so some chick might look for it.
Oh, I've done that before.
I'll sneak off before I go in a busy room and just kind of shake it up a little.
Maybe if there's some shit going on like just like you're mixing a fucking milkshake, but you don't have a fucking money.
If I'm walking out of the Emmys, I'm like, get a couple CC's of plasma and I'll fluff that fucking slamming it in the door backstory.
Oh, dude, I remember one time I was on this cruise ship and I was trying to get an erection and this girl was a real fucking land animal, you know?
And I literally was like whacking my wiener against the wall trying to get blood into the God.
I still remember that.
I'm the worst.
I'm like a one-trick pony.
Everyone thinks I'm like, whatever.
I don't know what they think.
Well, everybody thinks, yeah, you're definitely just Casanova.
Before we get into that, though, I want to talk a little bit more.
What else would you do about the bats or anything else?
Because I know you have a beer on that question.
I could almost see Harrison, first of all, will never give the job up.
He is low-key.
He's seeing half of these women.
Oh, I mean, and they have nothing to do at Island but sneak in his room.
He's on the island, too.
So he's, I mean, it is boring because, you know, they pull him out for three minutes a day and he has to wear a suit and all that shit.
But I wonder if he's allowed to mingle and hang out.
There must be rules.
But he gets all their numbers.
I mean, he's got all their IGs.
He's DMing up a frenzy.
I don't think he's married.
And then he goes to Bachelor Island.
Then he does it there.
He came on our show and he was cool.
He's a great guy.
He was cool.
I interviewed him a couple of years.
Were you on the show with him?
He was awesome.
Was it me, you and Kaylee Kuko?
No.
What show were you on?
Who was with you?
Is she divorced again yet or no?
No.
They don't live together, though.
Now that I like.
Isn't that interesting?
I think it's a new thing.
I've been trying to pitch that.
I think it's true because...
I'm sorry.
We're getting away from her question.
But Kaylee was on my second show.
You were on really early.
I was on the second show.
And it wasn't Kayleigh?
Uh-uh.
She was on, I think, the next day.
She was on with Jen Kirkman and another female comic.
Oh, look at fucking fucking Greggie Google over there.
He's got it, bro.
He's better than Adam Eagle.
Look at Colin calls in.
You see that last night?
We've actually got some voice questions from Adam Eagot as well.
We do?
We have questions from Adam for us.
Yeah, dude.
I got it.
You do?
Okay, sweet, man.
Let's get one.
Oh, shit.
It's okay.
Sorry, we'll get to.
What's the paper towel budget?
What's he saying?
I'll get it.
Okay, we'll figure it out.
Spade.
Hey, it's Adam Egot from the office.
Do you know where the paper clips are?
I really need these as soon as possible.
I guess.
Everything's fucked over here.
Also, corn dogs for lunch today.
So let me know if you want me to save you one.
What kind of halfway up?
Tell Theo I said hi.
Yeah, call me back as soon as you get this.
I need to know about these paperclips, like stat.
I will tell you, Adam E. Who's still using paperclips?
I know he doesn't know what the fuck.
There's actually two more.
Jesus Christ, from him?
Yeah.
And this is the same thing.
When did he write these?
You're fucking solid, yeah.
Okay, at least he doesn't do the monologue.
Hey, it's Adam again.
Oh, shit.
Do you know how I change my W2?
I think I'm 1099ing.
Amount of taxes taken out.
I always spend 300 dependents.
Hey, I'm gonna get a bad one.
Are you hanging up with me?
Hey, it's Adam again.
Spade, do you have a fire extinguisher in your office?
No rush.
Just get back to me.
No rush on the fucking message either.
Jesus.
You can't.
What a slow Poke Rodriguez.
There's a fire, bro.
Spit it out.
Spade.
You know what happened?
Yesterday, he got a box of pens sent to him.
He's got a hall office.
He's got an office.
Let's say this is a big square room, right?
This big, huge lot where you're doing the show in.
Over on the wall, like that's his desk.
So everyone walks, this is a hall office because everyone just walks through and does their shit.
Oh, right.
He didn't get like an office, office with a door.
So he sits there and everyone just makes fun of him.
So someone put garbage on his desk, like these workers came and put on his desk while they're working.
And he just sits there and going, what the fuck is happening?
So on one of my stories I put on Instagram, I go, hey, Adam, you get hating his hall face.
And so this woman that works for a pen company sent him, I mean, maybe 300 pens.
Oh, wow.
They said, hey, I saw your office.
Looks, needs a little pen action on there.
So yesterday, he was like having yards heal.
He laid them all out and everyone got to come pick a pen.
Don't take the violent ones.
Take green.
He's like, no, no, no green.
And then everyone's like arguing about which ones they want.
Maybe like 300.
Yeah.
But they're like, you got any felt tip?
He's like, nah.
He's being snug with some of them.
I go, Adam, he just got them free one minute ago.
Like, no.
He loves the job, though.
It seems like he's been.
He loves it.
He's good at it.
Yeah.
He's the guy that does the comedians.
And we have another department.
Seems like a total shit show, but we have a whole department that does anyone's not a comedian.
So like, or it get too big.
Like if Leno is a comedian, but we have talent office deal with him just because, you know, there's some people that are more confident.
I think Jim Carrey.
Oh, yeah, I think Jim Carrey's coming on that.
Really?
That's awesome.
Love Jim Carrey.
Very interesting.
So talent.
Interesting dude.
Did you remember?
Did you ever remember seeing him as a comedian?
Barely.
Just seeing him on a special.
I think Rodney Dangerfield's HBO special when he was a young comedian special.
Those were big.
They would have a big comedian come in and host and have five new comedians, five or six.
And I saw Kennison on that.
I saw it.
Was there a thing that happened like whenever you were kind of coming up through the ranks that you wished you had done it or you had gotten it and you were like, oh man, this is when you weren't going to have a career?
Wow.
Starsearch.
They came to Arizona to a mall.
Oh, and you were there.
Paradise Valley Mall.
Did your mom take you or did you just go?
I think I was old enough to drive.
Went out to PVM.
I literally used to drive without my shirt on.
I was such a fuck.
Joe Dirt started because Fred Wolfe lived in Montana with dirt balls.
I live in Arizona.
We see guys walking with long hair, no shirt on tucked in their back pocket holding a gas can.
Oh, I love that, dude.
That's the whole life out there.
So I'm that guy.
I take my shirt off whenever I drove because I didn't have air conditioning.
So I go to PVM.
That's why.
And I stand on some little, I do two minutes of stand-up.
Wow.
They check to see if you have any game.
No callbacks, no nothing.
And Pebby was at Palace Verde's Mall or something with PVM?
Paradise Valley, yeah.
Paradise Valley.
At the mall.
It was at the mall in front of everybody.
No.
Like Tiffany, yeah.
Wow.
And I think they would check crowd reactions.
It's kind of a good idea.
Yeah, at least you're getting some real feedback right there.
So when I finally, I felt like I think you'll know, you'll agree that people say, what's your big break?
Comedy is sort of a series of little breaks.
Like getting on one club when I was starting.
That was a big break.
And then getting on another club.
And then getting at the improv when I got in LA was huge.
Then I got on this HBO Young Comedian special, which I was talking to you about kind of.
Dennis Miller was a host.
Me, Rob Schneider, Drake Saylor, Fred Stoller.
We had all these guys in there.
And everyone did great.
And then Rob and I got SNL off that.
Another big break.
Wow.
Tommy Boy, another big break.
So it's just really like treading water your whole fucking career.
You can never really let off the gas because you go away in two seconds.
Someone even said to me the other day, this Uber guy goes, you're in showbiz.
Yeah, he goes, I love those.
He goes, whatever happened to Chris Pratt?
I go, Chris Pratt did three blockbusters in the last two years.
He goes, oh, okay.
I go, I didn't see him.
I go, well, if this fucking guy's in trouble, what about me?
I did movies on Netflix.
I never saw that.
I guarantee it.
I did Father of the Year and the other one.
I go, well, fuck, dude.
No wonder.
People are like, hey, it's good to see you.
I go, I don't know what perception is.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's definitely changed a lot.
You have no idea if people have seen it.
It takes a year, like you're this, which is every week.
Like, I usually am on a TV show, so it's every week.
And so when people don't see me for a year, they're like, what the fuck?
I go, well, I take a year to get a movie off the ground.
I write.
Then it takes three months to film it.
Then a year, edit it and get it out.
And if you miss that one, now there's two and a half years you miss me.
So that's all that work for one fucking two-hour movie.
And then you do another one.
Have you done some pretty stinkers?
Have you done some real shit ones?
Yeah.
Oh, movies?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I thought you meant shits.
Oh, no.
I've done some pretty bad ones.
Dude, I have one of the worst superpower.
I don't know if it's a superpower or not, but I know if I walk into a bathroom, if somebody's pooped in there recently.
Because it stinks?
Yeah.
That's not a superpower.
By the way.
Can you tell it too?
If someone took a dirty shit.
I hate it.
Dude, I walked out of a bathroom.
It's like the thing I hate the most about myself, man.
I just wish I couldn't do that.
Makes me sad, bro.
Okay, that doesn't.
Okay.
I will tell you, though.
I hate it.
I don't know if we need a moment of silence for that.
I don't need a moment of silence.
I went to this nice place the other day for dinner.
Not that nice, but it was a regular restaurant normal.
Wow.
Well, I don't want people to think I'm some high-fluid asshole.
Dude, I've been eating with you.
It's only at nice.
Yeah.
So I go and I go to the bathroom.
And this is the, you would relate to this.
You can see the camera.
This is, you can't hear it at home, but I go like this.
I walk in and this dude's walking out and I go, oof, because he shits so bad.
Oh, yeah.
And he stops and looks at me.
He goes, what'd you say?
And I go, fucking rough, dude.
And he goes, what the fuck?
I go, and I pussed out immediately because I go, am I getting in a fight about a shit that reeks so bad?
I have to, I thought I had to say something because I walked in, I go, god damn.
Like, because somebody's inordinately rank, you know?
Oh, yeah.
I get that it's not a, you know, fucking factory, but when you go in there and it's reeks so bad, sometimes it wallops you and you have to mention it.
Like, you can't even hide it.
You go, oh, yeah.
And then he was offended because it was him.
so he wanted to fight me.
Yeah, you want to fight me over your poops?
Well, you're also defending the air, bro.
Like, you have the right to defend.
I just want air.
I want to be able to live in here.
So, I had to leave.
I go, I can't even pee in this poo.
It's like, oh, yeah, I hate that, man.
I hate being, I hate knowing that it's, I just wish that I could never.
Sometimes I try to hold my breath before I go in and try to just have my breath held the whole time that I'm in there.
Oh, when you're in poop town, and I think it's a nice restaurant I go.
Dude, one time this guy, I went in there one time.
There was like a kind of like an urban gentleman working in there, you know, like kind of like a mint, you know, with the mints and the, you know, doing the, sometimes they'll do scarves and everything.
They got cigarette mints, everything.
This guy was.
Buy a new suit in there.
Yeah, this guy was fresh off the boat, you know.
They clean up in there.
Oh, dude.
Well, here's the thing, though.
This guy was kind of like a big jock kind of dude.
So I go into the into the stall, right?
Into this little dookie booth, you know, to rock a number two, right?
Yeah.
And this guy goes, oh, all right, fam, I got you, right?
And I'm like, what?
What does that mean?
Like, I think he was trying to think like I'm going to tip him or something, you know?
So then another guy comes in.
You better.
If you talk to him, I think you have to tip him.
That's the thing.
Once you make contact.
Yeah, the thing.
Then another guy comes in and tries to get at the door, right?
And this guy, like...
Yeah.
Stops him, bro.
And he's like, hey, my man's in there.
I don't even fucking know that.
I love it.
I love it.
My man's in there.
He took care of me.
Make it into a fucking fight, into a shoving match.
Security comes in, the whole deal.
And you weren't even pooping.
You were pissing.
No, I was, I can't tell.
Sometimes I will sit down and piss sometimes if it's late at night.
But this was a, I don't know, but it was just so like, I'm not with this guy, you know?
That's so hot that if he went to the mat with you and then you go out there and put a quarter in.
You know how you get me?
Here's how you get me to tip.
I walk in, they go, David Spade.
I go, well, you're getting tipped.
There you go.
Because I know you're going to call TMD and go, this motherfucker took the dirtiest poop and he only gave me a nickel.
He doesn't tip the fucking shit, Jockey.
Who's in there?
And one time it was, bring your kid to work day.
Now, shut up.
That's not possible.
I swear to God, this is over by UCLA.
It was at Mahoney's Bar, some bar they had over there, Maloney's.
And the guy's got his son in there.
You can't laugh hard enough.
Dressed up like a little seal or something, like a little oyster, like a, you know, like a fancy oyster.
Or like, you know, somebody that's going to like a, you know, a wedding or dance or something.
You know, like looking nice.
More like a little, not like an actual oyster.
Yeah.
Yeah, not like an actual oyster.
Is that what you say when people dress up?
Or like a penguin that's something of.
Yeah, penguin.
You were so far off.
I get a natural.
Penguin makes some sense, like a little tux.
But dude, a snow oyster?
How good would that fucking taste, bro?
What is that?
That's what I'm saying.
Once they find those, dude.
You know how expensive those are.
Watch in a year, those are going to be something that's going to be on a menu somewhere.
Snow oysters.
Did I put all my money into snow oysters?
Would you change anything else on the bachelorette or no?
Are you trying to go back to her?
She got a lot of screen time for that question.
We haven't even answered all of Adam Egots.
We don't have paper clips.
Yeah.
Bachelor, I love.
It's down right now.
Viewership is?
When does this come on?
Today is September 21, 2006.
Today's September 12th, 14th.
Yeah, 2006.
Yeah.
So it'll be on 2016.
12th 2006.
Okay, great.
Sorry to interrupt this little chit chatter with Mr. Joe Dirt himself.
But can you believe that's really Joe Dirt?
That's so wild, dude.
I can't believe that happened to him.
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And now, back to the episode.
We don't have a show today on my show.
We have the Sclars last night.
Yeah, so I don't think we talked enough about Norm and Jay because it was, it made me nervous.
The show is fucking hard.
The show is hard because everyone's got a different energy and vibe, and I don't sometimes know it.
One time I had a female comic, and, you know, I'm like going over to the side and out of here.
I go, what do you think?
She goes, well, I met me.
And I go, oh, is that your hook?
Like, I don't know.
Like, some could be very dirty.
Some are timid.
Some are like, she stayed in her shell.
This guy over here is like super whatever, or he doesn't like, you know, and then, you know, I jazzled my constantly.
He's sort of quiet, very funny, but he's on with other people.
And so I want to make sure he gets time to get his joke out and not get stepped on.
And then you have some fucking guy you don't even know on one show.
Lapping too hard and running over everyone's stuff.
You know, I learn every show what I like.
And I'm like, I don't like to pull teeth because there's too many dead spots.
You know, I like people to sort of self-start.
Last night, The Sclars, perfect.
Leno, perfect.
I show a picture to Kylie Jenner and he's like, you know, I read, you didn't hear about this yesterday?
They say, Kim and Kanye are going to get divorced.
I don't think he's going to leave her behind.
Yeah, I heard that.
And it was funny.
But I was sitting there freaking out going, everyone, give him a second on this.
Because he's old school and he took his time with it.
He goes, have you seen this?
Pause.
These two might get a divorce.
And you just think someone's going to jump in on that pause and do their line or comment.
And I'm like, just leave him.
And I've got crazy Norm over there.
So Norm is always very funny and you just don't know what you're getting.
And that's part of the fun.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Watching that one, it would seem like, yeah, you're just, he's such like, like you literally have no clue what's about to climb out of his mouth.
And I don't, listen, he can offend me.
It's sort of the funny part about it that he goes after me a little bit.
I don't want him to offend the other guests.
I don't want, if they don't know what they're getting either.
And Jay's, you know, he was very nice to Jay.
He said nice things.
But it's hard.
And then I had to do the bit with NASCAR.
Yeah, Kurt Bull.
And it's hard to do bits in front of comedians because NASCAR came all the way there to be a part of it.
They like the show.
We're getting more and more people that call that want to be on the show.
And that's nice.
That means the show is doing all right.
And I'm a NASCAR guy.
I'm a little bit of a dirtball.
So I had met this guy, Kurt.
And he was game, but every joke we had, they killed right before the show.
So NASCAR, you know, they have their brand and this and that.
And I didn't know it.
So then I was like, fucking going to, because now I go, what am I saying?
Because I think, one, we had the car up close.
I go, oh, is this a make-a-wish car?
Why is it so close?
And he goes, yeah, it says it has cancer, but I think it's lying.
And then that's gone.
So when I get to the show about to tape it, I go, oh, that's gone?
What's there?
We put something else they approved.
I'm like, I don't even really know what bit I'm doing now.
And that never happens.
And then we said, oh, Johnny, the PA.
I have a question for Kurt.
It's John Farley, you know.
And he goes, I go, all right, one question.
He goes, do you have any at her all?
And I go, you're not asking him that.
And he goes, it's not even for me.
I go, he's not, no.
And then Kurt goes, talk to me after the show.
And I go, oh.
So they killed all that.
These aren't the best jokes in the world.
It's just, don't take away joke.
You know what I mean?
Well, right.
Yeah, it seemed like, why not shoot more and then cut it down?
They just, we should have sent them ahead and then they can talk.
And, you know, there's always going to be a barter with someone.
It was a lot packed into one episode.
But most people, like, we had Rascal Flats on last night and a band, Mumford and Sons, and they're very game.
They come on, they go, I know what Spade's about.
I'm not there to make them look bad.
You're not going to get people if you do that.
So if they want to roll with some jokes, I make fun of myself half the time.
Do you like, are you enjoying doing the show?
Are you finding that you're enjoying it more than you thought you would?
Are you having any, when I watch now, it seems like it's definitely coming.
It's hard.
It's very hard, but and I have cards and cards like roll to this pre-tape and do this.
And we have someone talking a voiceover and make sure they get to say this if they want to say something.
But to wrangle it all, it gets easier every show.
But it is hard.
It is a job where you wake up 7 a.m.
and I have to think all day.
Movies are really hard, but it's more just legwork, being on a set every day, laying around all day, memorizing lines.
It's memorizing and staying awake.
And then the movies are fun, but they beat the shit out of you.
This one, at least I go home and I can have dinner.
Right.
And movies, I'm on the set all day.
What happened at the mall with the Star Search?
You got it or you didn't get it?
No, I got a shine on that.
And then when I started to do okay.
You didn't get it?
Didn't get it.
Finally got to LA.
Couldn't get out of it.
How did they let you know in the mail?
They didn't say jack shit.
I asked Ted Sarandos once from Netflix.
You know this guy?
He's one of the big bosses there.
He's from Arizona.
Very cool guy.
Cool guy.
For that job, he's always so cool and collected.
I can't believe it.
One time, somebody, this big name guy, I was like, go to, oh shit, that guy pitched you a show.
And he goes, yeah.
And he's a friend of his.
And he goes, but it didn't work out.
We passed.
And I go, what'd you tell him?
And he goes, nothing.
And I think he said, you know, if you go to the store to buy a suit and you don't want it, you don't go back and tell them you don't want it.
Right.
They figured out.
Damn.
I go, whoa.
And I think he said that.
I'm trying to, I thought it was cool.
I go, fuck, man.
Because, you know, there's a new sheriff in town.
Yeah.
I got a question right here from the bottom.
Point stuff to them.
And sometimes you just don't know.
Oh, wait.
Let me hear this.
I think if I turn it up loud enough, you won't have to hold it up to your ear.
I'll do it.
All right.
I'll do it.
What's up, Tio?
What's up, David?
My question is, what was your worst date that you ever had?
And what is the best way to get out of the bad date without being a jerk?
Gang.
Ah.
Gang gang, brother.
He gave you a little gang gang at the end.
And he's from Poland.
He's from Polish power, huh?
He didn't call in from Poland.
He lives here.
No, he lives in Poland.
He said that in.
And he hears this?
Yeah.
This dumb fucking joke.
Thank you, brother.
I don't know how to say thank you in Poland, but thank you very much.
Oh, two things.
Okay, one was bad dates, which, God, there's so many.
I bet you've been on some fucking reekers, bro.
Oh, yeah.
I'm the bad part of it.
Oh, yeah.
But still, dude.
Sometimes you have to take yourself out of the equation.
Have you ever, has it just been so bad where you'll tell a girl straight up, this is bad?
I'm angry.
You know, listen, if it's bad, I can tell they don't like me or it's not clicking.
You know, at this point in your life, you realize everyone's trying.
Everyone means well.
You just, I would try to start with lunch or something, then you can just tap out after and be polite, never be rude.
And then everyone just goes their separate ways.
It just doesn't, you know, it's too mean.
I've had it done to me so many times.
If some girl would actually like me more, which is weird because when you're in a position of getting like, you know, you get DMs and shit from girls.
And to tell someone you don't like them or don't want to go to them is very weird.
Yeah.
Very weird position.
I was never in it.
So I wish I was.
Because girls were, it was always the other way.
Girls would tell you just to give you the vibe or they wouldn't call like the Sarandos thing.
One girl about 10 years ago said we were at the rainbow room, just cool little joint.
And she goes, she said she was an actress, right?
So about halfway through, what's that noise?
Is that you?
It's me.
That elevators meet.
Oh, what are you having?
Half of a part of a Twix?
Yeah.
Oh, nice.
A Twix.
People like when you chew and talk.
My mom used to eat paydays because they were like kind of like the healthy candy bar.
Because of peanuts.
I get it.
And she wouldn't let us watch her eat them.
She would eat them by herself in her room.
That's weirder.
I used to put paydays in the toilet and then say I was sick and they couldn't possibly.
So they break apart.
So I go to the rainbow room and this girl's like, yeah.
And then her phone's like, and she goes, yeah, shit, it's work.
I go, oh, she goes, I have to go to the valley.
There's a fallout in an anal scene.
No way.
I go, oh, you're an adult porn actress.
She goes, yeah.
I go, yeah.
She goes, I should probably go.
Got to pick that up, you know.
I go, hey, work's work, you know?
And she's like, but I'll probably be done by midnight.
I go, you know what?
Let's put a pin in that.
We'll pick this up later.
Why don't you just do tonight?
Do your thing.
And I'm like, well, there's twice I've been run into porn people.
Yeah.
I ran into a hooker once I didn't know as a hooker, and I ran into two girls that did porn.
I didn't know.
But porn's way common out here.
Porn's pretty common.
A lot of girls out here is more, you get in, I see a lot of women that are more the sugar daddy style life.
It's like dating, you know.
Yes, I'll go on a date with you for a couple hundred bucks.
I'll go on a date with you and see what happens.
Bit of a hybrid hooker.
My friend does what's your price.
You know what that is?
The great sales pitch is who goes, what's your price?
You ever seen a girl so pretty at the coffee shop, you wish you'd go on one date with her, you could win her over.
Well, you can.
So he goes on a site and all these pretty girls and you go, hey, how much does it cost to take you to dinner?
And they're like, $300.
He does this all the time.
I've seen the girls.
They meet him for dinner, $300, and then they leave.
And he pays them.
And they go, no love connection.
It's like a business.
Or they say for another $500, I'll give you a hand job in the car, you know.
Sometimes he takes them home, but yeah, I have some friends.
Mostly, it's just like girls want to make some money.
They go to dinner with you and sit with you.
Yeah.
And some guys want to just puff up and go to fucking catch and be like, hey, look who I got.
Take a hottie out there.
Yeah.
A little arm candy, old school.
Yeah.
Dude, you took me to catch that one time.
Yeah.
I took care of you, man.
I did feel like arm candy.
Yeah, we did have fun, man.
You were my arm candy, right?
That place.
I mean, I remember watching you when we were leaving, walking out, and you would see like, like, I had like a couple people that were like, oh, hey, that's Theo Bond, you know, like a couple of like comedy fans.
But you, it's definitely a different thing.
It feels like a little bit, it almost feels spooky, I feel, like being at your level of popularity.
You know?
Oh, that's nice.
I mean, I think by this point, you'll learn that you can get a big head about it, but there's always so many people doing better than you.
And so many times that you did, things didn't work that you wanted that I think right now most people know me without even sounding cocky, just after all this time, they've seen you in something, but they don't always like you.
So people get pictures of it and they see them and see them.
Look at this fucking asshole.
Yeah.
But.
Yeah, that's the difference about popularity from like podcasts and stuff is people are a little bit more engaged with who you are as a person, I feel like.
Yeah.
You know, and so it's like.
Well, you're very real.
You've got a different thing, which is I think you're interesting because your comedy's like that.
You'd think there'd be more like this.
There's not.
Just like, guys, here's me.
And you have an interesting life.
Some people could do this and it wouldn't be fun to hear.
You have a good spin on it.
You're funny down deep.
And then you have an interesting past and present.
It works.
It's good.
It's true.
I think that's your whole thing, why it works.
And one guy tried to trip me up in an interview, and then I probably have to book it to fucking Brea.
One guy said, when do you think you were the most famous?
Such a weird question.
And what he meant the real answer was now because of cumulative from everything I've done.
And there's more people that now would know me now, of course.
Shows are in reruns.
This, you know, rules of engagement, just shoot me, SNL, and then all the movies on TBS every day at 3 p.m.
Oh, yeah.
Something's on with me.
So there's that.
But he meant, I think I did the, in the old days, cover Rolling Stone, cover of Entertainment Weekly, cover TV Guide.
That's what he was getting at.
But that was a while ago.
So it was more...
I guess, I mean, you could ask anyone that, and there's times when you could point to where, you know, it's really like up and down your career.
You know, you know, if something come out for two years, then you do, then it doesn't really work, then two years later, something big.
So it's never going to be like a straight level line.
Some years are better than others.
But overall, it did make me think.
I'm like, wow, that is a weird question.
I don't know.
But as long as you I think the hard thing is still doing shit and making a living year after year is hard.
So if you can do that, it's already praise.
Anyone out there.
Some of my friends are still just road comics, but they're doing it.
It's hard.
And they bring in a crowd and they get their bills paid.
And like, fuck, it's hard, man.
Do it.
Good job.
One last question.
We have the new SNL cast member.
We just wanted to...
Yeah, well, just more of a topic for you guys to chew on.
SNL yesterday announced three new SNL cast members.
Oh, yeah.
Chloe Finneman, Bowen Yang, who's the first East Asian descent.
At first, people were saying first Asian, but Rob Schneider is Filipino.
So people got to.
Getting a little specific.
Sneaky Rob.
I love him sneaking in with the Filipino.
I'm West USA.
And they're really breaking it down.
And Shane Gillis.
And hours after he was announced, a Twitter mob said.
Somebody dug into him.
They tried to ruin his life.
And a resurface video from his podcast came up where he used the word chink.
he was kind of playing like a character.
They were talking about how...
I looked at that little clip.
I thought they were saying like Japanese people feel like they're number one and Koreans feel not as good as Japanese.
Is that what you're talking about?
Yeah, it is.
I have the clip right here.
Hold on, but it's definitely, I don't know.
It's going to be tough for him because that playing against, they just hired an Asian guy.
They did?
That was the first Asian they hired, yeah.
So it's one of the three guys they hired.
So one's getting all this praise.
Bo and Yang.
Oh, I see what you do.
And then the other guy, they dig up something where he says something seemingly against that.
Like, I don't even know if he'll survive.
You know what I mean?
I don't know.
He put it on apology.
He said, I'm a comedian who pushes boundaries.
I sometimes miss.
If you go through my 10 years of comedy, most of it bad, you're going to find a lot of bad misses.
I am happy to apologize to anyone who's actually offended by anything I've said.
My intention is never to hurt anyone, but I'm trying to be the best comedian I can be, and sometimes that requires risks.
Yeah.
And how do we expect people to evolve if they don't have a past, if they don't have any timeline?
You know, it's like, I feel like the online mob has just become, it's just a mob.
That's what it is.
It has no understanding.
It has no care or concern for.
Well, it's hard to just remove people from their job in life.
And some people get angry about different things and just want someone's life done.
And they don't see the after effects.
Like, that is, people go kill themselves.
You take everything away from someone.
Now, I don't even know about this case in particular.
I don't know enough about it.
But in general, as a comedian, you know, used to try to be edgy.
And that was the whole thing five years ago.
That's what you want to do bits no one else is doing.
You don't want to steal material.
Like, what's your take on this?
You're taking this.
And, oh, you pushed it.
Oh, that bit's fucking crazy you did.
And now if someone could go look those up and say, you went too far defending me and now you're out.
Yeah.
And that's a tough, weird time to be a comedian.
It's hard.
It's just hard.
Every day of my show, I go, I hope I didn't say something.
Because I'm just trying to get a fucking laugh in that one second moment.
Right.
Believe me, I don't believe in everything I say.
I just say it to get a laugh.
You want to shock people.
You want to say crazy stuff.
The monologue, a lot of the stuff I'm like, oh, this is great.
Yeah, I mean, some people that like comedy like it.
And then everyone in the writers are like, do it, do it.
But I have to think about myself and go, I don't want something to happen over.
But how do you get a new show off the ground?
How do you be different?
You don't want reviews to go, it's the same fucking shit.
Because there's probably seven jokes we're still allowed to use that everyone's like, I'm okay with that one.
Right.
You can do it.
Yeah, and it's like reviewers.
What if nowadays it's almost like just if reviewers don't like you or what you represent just by being a human, a living human?
Yeah, they hate you anyway.
So it's like almost, it's hard to get ahead and reviewers can need a bag of ass, bro, I think.
Or an ass bag or whatever.
Now it's just 30 million reviewers on Twitter and Instagram every day.
You hear about like my last show I did on old sitcoms, there weren't people on Twitter and Instagram.
So now everyone's like, here's what I think.
I'm like, okay.
So I listen to it.
I mean, some I hear it.
Some hurt my feelings.
Yeah.
But I think the noise has been so loud.
It's just so, it's happened so much now that it's just almost become a deaf.
It's hard, yeah.
I mean, there's comics like Chappelle's special or Bill Burr.
Burr's special.
There's some people they get away with it, and that's great.
I think people can again.
It's a lot of comedy.
You just have to be, I think you have to be smart.
It's hard.
I hope it just sort of blows over because I don't want to see the end of people doing comedy.
I know.
What'll happen, man?
I want to go to the mall and audition.
Fucking Star Search.
By the way, to wrap up that story, about a couple years later, I got the young comedian special and I think the next day they said, oh, you got Star Search 2. And I had to turn down Star Search.
And I was like, oh, fuck.
I was waiting all this time for that.
They said, you can't do both.
I go, ah.
So missed it.
You had to let it go.
And that was something you thought is going to be your break.
Yep.
Do people ever think you're Brad Pitt?
Have anybody ever come up to you and thought you were Brad Pitt?
A kid did the other day.
He literally, he's like about eight.
He goes, were you in World War Z?
I go, no, but I want to kiss you for that.
Oh, damn.
You took off your glasses and you realized what a bad joke person he was.
I keep going glasses.
I go, oh, you're eight.
Oh, for sure.
He's like, oh, are you Kevin Art?
Yeah, but the worst is if Brad Fitt ever gets it, he must be like, no, I'm not that fucking cooking.
Brad Fitt's one of the few guys I've run into out there that's a big star and he's a fucking cool dude.
Yeah?
Yeah, I love him.
Cool cat.
I mean, I don't see him a lot, but for that fame to be cool, shocking.
Yeah, how would you even do it?
David Spade, thanks so much for coming in, man.
All right, thanks.
I guess we just wrap it up and say thanks for having me.
And you got a good fan base out there.
I'm glad to talk to them.
Yeah, no, man.
I appreciate you coming in.
I hope you crushed it tonight at Brea.
Where else are you going to be in the next couple of weeks?
Oh, I got a Mirage October 4th and 5th that weekend at Vegas.
Oh, nice.
Yeah, I do that.
I'm doing a couple weekends before the NBA.
I love that room.
Yeah, Navon.
You did it.
Yeah.
Great.
Dude, that room is the best.
That place is fun, yeah.
Me and Ray Romano, it's great.
Oh, wow.
We've done it.
We did it last year, it's super fun.
Oh, yeah, you told me about that.
I think you told me about that.
So, you guys are both going to be on stage just half and half, kind of, yeah, yeah.
And I got Houston Improv coming up, and uh, I haven't booked that many gigs just because the show is so fucking overwhelming.
Yeah, but I'll be out there shaking my crummy ass.
I love it.
Staying busy, thanks, brother.
All right, see you guys.
See ya now.
I'm just folding on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of my life found.
I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking break and let myself on my shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories just for you.
Thank you.
And I will move away to the face on the runaway tree with the ball.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweet.
Is it there?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John.
Hi, I'll take a quarter pot of cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
