Betterhelp Sign up at https://betterhelp.com/theovon today Theo opens the show by calling his mother. Then takes calls on lasts weeks topics of co-parenting and what to do when a friend stops responding. And other stuff, too. This episode brought to you by… Betterhelp Sign up at https://betterhelp.com today Manscaped Visit https://manscaped.com and use promo code THEO for 20% + free shipping & travel bag Skillshare https://skillshare.com/theovon for 2 months free Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 Music “Alabama” by Bishop Gunn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sATpdHgxhP8& “Makin’ It” by Bishop Gunn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmqi6QYs3jg Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis Gunt Squad www.patreon.com/theovon Name Aaron Jones Aaron Rasche Aaron Wayne Anselmi Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alexa harvey Andrea Gagliani Andrew Valish Angelo Raygun Anthony Holcombe Anthony Schultz Arielle Nicole Ashley Konicki Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Bad Boi Benny Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Herron Benjamin Streit Bobby Hogan Brad Moody Brandon Hoffman Brandon Kirkman Bubba Hodge Carla Huffman Casey Roberts Charles Herbst Christian Coyne Christina Peters Christopher Stath Cody Cummings Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Crystal Dakota Montano Dan Draper Dan Perdue Daniel Chase Danielle Fitzgerald Danny Crook Danny Gill David Christopher David Smith Diana Morton Dionne Enoch Donald blackwell Doug C Drew Munoz Dusty Baker Faye Dvorchak Felicity Black Ginger Levesque Grace Jenson Grant Stonex Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia J.P. Jacob Rice Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter Jameson Flood Jason Price Jeffrey Lusero Jenna Sunde Jeremy Siddens Jeremy Weiner Jim Floyd Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joel Henson Joey Piemonte John Kutch Johnathan Jensen Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan R Josh Cowger Josh Nemeyer Justin Doerr Justin L justin marcoux Kaitlin Mak Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kirk Cahill kristen rogers Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Laszlo Csekey Lauren Williams Lawrence Abinosa Leighton Fields Luke Bennett Madeline Garland Mandy Picke'l Marisa Bruno Matt Kaman Meaghan Lewis Meghan LaCasse Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mike Poe Mona McCune Nick Roma Nick Rosing Nikolas Koob Noah Bissell OK Passenger Shaming Qie Jenkins Rachel Warburton Randal L. Nu Ranger Rick Robert Mitchell Robyn Tatu Rohail Ryan Hawkins Ryan Walsh Sarah Anderson Scoot B. Scott Wilson Sean Scott Season Vaughan Secka Kauz Shane Pacheco Shannon potts Shona MacArthur Suzanne O'Reilly Theo Wren Thomas Adair Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tommy Frederick Travis Simpson Tugzy Mills Tyler Harrington (TJ) Victor Montano Victor S Johnson II Vince Gonsalves William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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It's a little under 100 now, but later this week it's going to be 107, so I figure I better get my walks in.
You might melt, Mom.
I'm not going to do it when it's 107,000.
I mean, really, you're only...
Oh, yeah, that's dangerous, too, because they have a lot of snakes out there.
Or really early in the morning, like 5.30.
I don't know.
Usually...
I have to eat something right away.
And that's snakes, too, mom.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, what is that insect that I found in the house?
They sprayed for it once for me.
Something, it's not a tarantula, but something that they have in the desert.
To a lot of people, it's poisonous.
So I found them like a total of, I think, four of them in the house.
Well, you're going to end up on one of those special shows where people get, like for kind of for seniors that get attacked by snakes, you know?
Yeah, I guess.
Or something.
Something will get you, right?
Yeah.
Well, look, at least if you go into the belly of a warm snake, at least you got a nice place to be, you know?
Yeah, you have to be pretty much of a monster, but they do exist.
I know you've seen some big ones sometimes on your walk, haven't you?
Yeah, remember back in the day?
Yeah.
I'm trying to think of, I think you, it was during the time that you stayed there for a short time when we lived on Fairway Groves.
Oh, yeah.
I saw a gargantuan snake.
That was the only time I've ever seen that big.
So what do you think that's going to not kill Roseanne, but it won't help her, huh?
Well, I just, I don't know.
What did you think whenever you heard about it?
I just thought, well, I wanted your opinion, and then when I got your opinion, I thought, well, maybe that will hem her in as just being a comedian of controversy, because that guy's controversial, I guess.
Yeah.
And, you know, when really, I mean, witness her old show.
She's a good all-around comedian.
Yeah.
Yeah, I agree.
I think it kind of, like it kind of, I don't know.
Pardon me, I would love to have gone on a tour with her.
You what?
I said, I would have loved to have gone on a tour with her, honestly, if I'm really honest with myself.
Yeah, no, I know.
It's one of those probably timing things.
Yeah.
What I read didn't say when they, you know, when he initially pitched it, I assume he pitched it to her, but I don't even know that.
Yeah.
Well, I think, you know, I think, you know, I think she probably thinks that people don't like her more than is the reality.
I think a lot of people still really do like her.
But also, I think her and Dice have a real comfortable connection.
They've been friends for a long time.
She like came, she like jumped up on stage at one of his shows a couple of months ago and had a bear grant in Vegas, huh?
Yeah, and had like a comfortable response.
And they used to do shows together in Vegas.
You know, so I think some of it might just be a comfort thing too.
Like if I'm going to go tour with somebody, who would it be?
But I think it's a good move for him.
He like attacked, you know, I think that I feel like a lot more people would come out to see her these days.
Right.
Who might not come out to see him?
I know what he looks like, but I'm not, I know what I read said he'd been banned from something.
I don't know what it was.
Television at work.
Oh, yeah.
But I don't really know anything about it.
It said he still does stand up on his own.
Yeah.
Well, I see him at the comedy store sometimes.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Is he any good?
Yeah, I mean, I think he's a, you know, desired taste.
I mean, he's still, you know, he's a comedian.
He's not really, he's never been really nice to me whenever I've seen him.
So I may have sometimes an unfair impression of like what I, how I look at his comedy.
Exactly.
But to me, some of it's, it's not really my favorite.
Like if somebody asked me who's one of your favorites, I wouldn't, you know, I wouldn't not even, I wouldn't even think of him.
Right.
So I guess they hooked up because of what you say, long-term friendship, and also because they can both be controversial.
Well, he is all the time, I guess.
Yeah, now it could be a huge tour, though.
A lot of people were like, you know what, I'm going to go out and see.
Yeah.
Just see him, you know, just see him say whatever, you know, people, yeah, the last like hurrah for people saying whatever they want to say, you know.
I guess she's not finished getting.
No, I don't think she is either.
I think she thinks she is more than she is.
Well, maybe when it's all done, you'll still get a chance with her doing something more benign, even if you do the little family in the van, you know?
Yeah, I talked to her manager a couple times.
I'm still trying to figure it out.
Yeah, that's a good point.
All right, Ma.
But are you doing a podcast?
Yeah, I'm actually just about to tape right now.
Yeah, well, thank you for calling.
Yeah, thanks for answering, Ma, and I hope your walk goes well.
I'm getting on.
Love you.
All right, love you too.
Bye.
Okay, bye.
Well, you know what I was thinking was that tits are hard, like a hard, like a chest is just, like a man's chest is kind of like hard tits, really.
When you think about that.
Like petrified almost tits.
Like if you had, like if somebody buried a couple of, you know, beautiful, just milky front knuckles out in the yard and they got and they got real hard over time.
And you dug them back up, they'd be almost like a man's chest.
I don't even know what that means, man.
She was hotter than the black top.
Broke down at a truck stop.
She looked about as wild as the story she told.
Said she was a Christian, saving souls in Slavona.
We'll be right back.
Since you're all a food man, but I shouldn't be worried, though it seems like she was higher than a junkie dry out in the slammer.
I hope I don't die in Alabama Alabama Alabama Lord, I hope I don't die in Alabama.
That heat, this was look, this is the time of year.
It is summertime, they call it, for here.
Now, somewhere else, somebody's dealing with winter.
Somebody in maybe Moscow or somewhere.
Somebody's throwing a damn, not a crystal ball, but a snowball at somebody.
Imagine that.
Yeah.
If you imagined it, then you just did.
And if you didn't, then you just didn't.
It's up to you.
But yeah, this is summer.
And summer's a year, boy.
And summer is, man.
He's a dirty boy, isn't he?
I mean, he is a dirty boy.
He's hot.
And he just is just relentless.
He is relentless.
And that is summer.
That's like somebody, if you give a, you know, sometime you catch a boy in a neighborhood or something, got a little bit of autism, you know, to tism, they say it.
And if you give him a little hammer, you know, they had a boy in our area, this boy named Wild Jacob.
And he was always eating, you know, he'd run around and pick berries and everything in the summer.
And, you know, when the berry bushes really started to flourish, you'd catch him out there with the blue, you know, the black dye on his hands picking berries and eating them.
That's the problem.
His mom gave him this little hat and he's supposed to put the berries in there, but he would have just eat them immediately.
And he'd get home and he'd have, you know, 120 berries in his stomach.
But at one time, his uncle, I remember, passed through town or something, gave him a little hammer.
And I mean, I swear to God, we thought we had a damn woodpecker in the neighborhood for probably four years.
But wild Jacob would just get off in the woods and he'd find him a little tree or something or a little, you know, area of hardness, maybe a fence board or a piece of stone or granite, and he would just hit it with that hammer.
Wild Jacob be out there would just bury stains all over his face, just for hours and hours.
Just fucking probably sending Morse code to who knows.
I mean, I'm sure over in, you know, in Chernobyl or somewhere or Russia or, you know, who knows, outer space, they're thinking some wild, unique Morse code is coming in.
You know, there's some, you know, stenographer at NASA just writing it all down.
But meanwhile, that's just freaking Barry Jacob, old black Barry Jacob with his little hammer just beating something.
We thought we had, you know, exotic birds.
But that's how relentless summer is, man.
It's like giving a hammer to giving a hammer to a young fellow with autism, and he's out there just chiseling away.
I mean, Jacob would fucking, he'd chisel a damn Mount Rushmore into the side of a school building or something.
I mean, he would just piss everybody off.
You know, you'd come out of, you know, this was, you'd come out of the, out of school or out of your house, and he would have chiseled a damn Deion Sanders into the side of a Honda.
Like, well, what the fuck, man?
I mean, he just had a real unique style to him.
But that's the thing, you know, and that's how relentless he just, I mean, he was Banksy.
He didn't have nothing on this fella.
Banksy ain't shit.
Banksy's just some sneaky dude in the middle of the night with a marker.
But I'm just saying wild Jacob was out there all day with a freaking one of them little baby hammers, son.
Just rearranging the world.
But that's how summer is, man.
It is relentless beating.
It is.
And it's that time.
You almost want to buy your mother a damn ice hat.
You know, it's almost like you want to drown somebody, but don't fully drown them.
Just hold them under cold water for, you know, about 40 seconds.
Just to let them catch a little bit of relief from the heat.
It's summertime in the year 2019, and it is June 24. And thank you for joining us.
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Oh yeah, it's summertime.
Thank you guys for good to see you.
Good to hear you.
What's up, man?
Just kind of relaxing this weekend.
I went to a chiropractor.
And I don't know if you've ever been to a chiropractor, but this shady, it's the shadiest thing.
It's basically like going to the mafia for your body.
It's like taking your body to like a mafia person.
Because they got you in a headlock.
They pinning you to the ground.
They're asking you questions about you.
You know, it's, Jesus, by the end, I'm like, you know, I'm just telling them where the treasure is buried, even if I didn't do shit.
I'm just making stuff up, you know.
It's in a safety deposit box.
It's in a locker at the Greyhound station.
Because they put that dude, this lady, and she might have been into some wild stuff.
She might have been into some real dark arts, I think, because I felt like she had a little bit of, you ever hug somebody and they kind of, they feel like they might have been doing cocaine a little bit?
Like that.
So, you know, but whatever.
You know, we didn't blood test each other.
I was just there.
So I don't really know anything.
But, but, um, but yeah, I went in there and next thing you know, she's got me on the table.
She's got me in a figure four, figure five.
She had me in all kinds of shit.
She had my arms, you know, she had, she tied both my arms into a knot inside of her mouth with her tongue.
I'm like, what is this is, I mean, she was doing unique stuff.
And this was all non-sexual.
This whole deal cost me probably about $1 maybe $20, $160 or $20.
I don't know.
But dude, they get in there.
They put the bone right in your zone.
This lady had me.
She had my orifice is just nervous, boy.
I mean, my whole body felt like a dang beehole, to be honest with you.
My whole body felt like a beehole.
And I say bee hole, you know.
Some people don't want to hear that.
They, you know, some people say butthole, and I don't say that because I'm not that.
I don't say that kind of stuff if I can help it.
But yeah, this lady had that, you know, she got my whole body was feeling nervous like a B-hole, boy.
Because people don't want to talk about that backdoor deal, that B-hole a lot.
And that thing, I mean, it'll barely kind of accept a marble, but that thing is cautious, I think is a good word to describe it.
It's like, you know, it's like got a really small, small welcome mat, if it has one at all.
And that behole, it's really, it's a temperamental deal.
But yeah, this lady had my whole body feeling like that.
Like my whole body was just covered up with just, you know, that anus, you know, that anus, that be hole.
So it was an, it was a unique experience, but you go in there.
She's got you in this.
She's got you in that.
She's got you.
She had my arms behind my back.
She was fucking asking me questions.
You know, she threatened.
I was like, what?
I knew what was going on.
She threatened me.
She told me I got a C when I was in, you know, that I cheated in high school.
She was saying a lot of things that were, I thought, egregious, that had nothing to do with skeletal or muscular.
Then they put you on this table and they put this long cable to your neck.
And she goes over by the door and yanks that thing.
I mean, it just, just, and suddenly I fucking, dude, I didn't know what was going on.
I mean, I just felt kind of just tightened up, you know?
I felt like my pants just were, you know, were going to fit better.
I felt just like my dick and my, just, you know, I just felt like my, I just felt like my, just like my dick had just won a medal or something.
It just straightened everything up in my body immediately.
You know, I felt like I just won third place in a damn spine contest, you know, at the at the spine center over there off the interstate.
But anyway, I'm kind of rambling.
We had, last week we had a question that, you know, we had a caller that called in.
We're talking about relationships and things like that and just things that I find are in a lot of people's worlds right now.
And in my world for sure.
You know, I think a lot about relationships and, you know, if I want it, if I can handle it.
You know, I just really have a tough time and commitment.
Man, I just have a really, there's just something inside of me that is very scared of it.
Even just, you know, if I think about like a wedding or something, that shit scares me.
If I think about, you know, but also what scares me also is being alone and not having someone.
That scares me really in a different way.
That scares me more cerebrally.
Like it, you know, I can think about, well, I might not have children or grandchildren.
And you got to have grandchildren, bro.
Those dudes, they seem like fucking great, you know, really good little buckaroos.
Children, who knows what will happen?
These MFers.
But grandchildren, bro, they fucking doing everything.
You could give them as many smoothies as you want.
You know, give them a couple lollipops.
Hit them with that suppository, bro.
If they sick.
Grandchildren, you could do anything with the grandchildren.
Put them outside.
Put them on a swing.
Give them another smoothie.
Oh, they're tired.
They're crying.
Get that smoothie, little Bryce or whatever your name is.
Little Deadra, which you want another couple of necko wafers, you know, grandpa got you.
I might be that undercover grandpa that's kind of roll up on children in the mall, non-sexual, you know, just roll up on children at the mall or at the, and hit them with a couple of, you know, a cut of a kit cat.
Break them off, you know, one of those, you know, 25% of a kit cat, boy.
Or hit them with a damn, you know, a half a handful of payday.
Split a payday candy bar with them.
And my mother used to love eating paydays, boy.
She used to crack open a couple cans of beer.
And she put that lawn chair out and the windows open and she would lay out indoors.
She would lay out on the thing indoors.
But, and, you know, and she would have that payday candy.
And that's more when payday candy bars used to be an adult.
It used to be an adult candy.
But, but, yeah, I was talking about last week about just parenting and co-parenting and what do people think about that kind of stuff.
And we had a caller that called in.
This was an excerpt from his call right here.
I'm 31, and I'm kind of trying to figure out, you know, do I want a child or not?
You know, I think my big problem is I don't, I have a phobia of having a child with the wrong lady, you know, because whether you like to believe it or not, you're attached to that person for at least 18 years, you know, the girl.
So I kind of want to make sure it's right, you know, before I have, before I bring a child into this world.
And you guys hit some responses.
As always, the hotline, 985-664-9503.
You guys had some nice responses that here's one that came in right here.
Hey, Theo, this is Sarah from Chicago.
Hey, Sarah, and I'm actually wearing the Chicago Cubs.
Fly that dub, baby.
And I love Chicago, man.
It's just really, it's a city that really, I feel like, has still has a good bit of a orders.
You know, it's got a lot of business, but it's got a lot of heart.
And you got people coming up there that are, you know, they're looking to do business, but they're also just looking to enjoy, you know, seeing other people and meeting other people.
And it's a good place to still get a business card from somebody and put it in your pocket and actually use it.
Let's hear more.
I'm that lady who gave her husband a hand drop in the back of her dad's car for the first time.
Oh yeah, Sarah, huh?
Sarah, with that magical touch.
You put that David Copper feel on your husband, huh?
And next thing you know, you're making his blue balls disappear.
You have that magical touch touching your man while your dad's driving.
That's literally, that's a ballsy move.
Let's hear more.
So I just heard your comment about co-parenting, and I know some people who are co-parenting now or are kind of just taking the parenting life as if it's just, oh, it's easy.
If it works bad, it works out.
If it doesn't, it doesn't.
You know, and that's not how the child sees it.
I've seen, I work with kids actually, I'm a speech therapist, and I work with children.
And I deal with those kids every day where co-parenting just isn't working out.
And it really isn't working out for the child.
Make sure you have a strong foundation in that relationship.
Otherwise, it can be detrimental for you, yes, but incredibly detrimental for that child.
Especially because when we're babies and born into this world, the only thing we know is our parents.
That's where we find out what love is.
And if we don't see it from the co-parenting, then do we really know what kind of love we deserve or what kind of love we should get?
Onward, Leo, Gang Gang.
Gang Gang, Sarah, I appreciate that.
You know, that's a really interesting thought.
Yeah, because if you're just co-parents and the children, now you could still show the child some love.
The children will feel love from a male parent and a female parent.
But I mean, or it could be, you know, same-sex parents.
But I think that I feel like you're going to get more of a full batch if you have that male-female.
I mean, that's, you know, it's been the current, it's been the recipe.
It's been Mother Nature's recipe to have the male-female.
But, yeah, it's like you'll get the, the kid will still get the love from a parent, a male parent and a female parent, but they won't get, they won't maybe see the example of love.
So they might not see the parents love each other.
They may not see there's like an element that they could really miss.
So yeah, I didn't really thought about that exactly.
That if, yeah, if you live on one street and your kid lives, yeah, if you live on one street with your kid and the dad lives across the street or down the way and you guys are just kind of, you know, back and forth, it may feel kind of dis, you know, it might not be continuous parenting.
It may kind of start and stop here and there.
And then also kids might start to learn, well, love is just, love is just, you know, you get love from one person, from a mom or from a dad, and it's not also something you see.
So if they don't see the love between the parents, so then the kid could feel like that love isn't something that's even in the world, you know, because I've never seen an example of it.
It's just, I get love from my mom here, I get love from my dad here, but I don't see an example of love between two people that are, you know, like in a marriage or two people, like a man and a woman that love each other.
So then the kid might grow up and not really feel an attraction to anybody.
They might be fully asexual.
They maysexers.
So that's interesting.
You know, I appreciate you sharing that.
Thanks for calling in, Sarah.
And look, once again, thanks for sharing that story two episodes ago about dropping that HJ on your husband back in the day while your dad was driving y'all around.
I mean, that episode really, I think, took us all to a beautiful place in time that you could only exist in as a child, you know, and as a first time when you get that first touch.
Let's take another call that came in here.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, this is Vivian from Los Angeles.
Hey, Vivian from LA.
Thank you for calling in.
Onward.
I was listening to last week's episode, and I thought I'd share a story.
My mom and dad were really young when they had me.
My mom was 19, and my dad.
Oh, yeah, that's beautiful.
My dad was a couple years older.
Oh, yeah.
So he's trying to be wild like that with the young ladies.
I've done it.
I feel it.
Onward.
They never got married.
For some time, I was really young, and they lived apart from each other and, you know, tossed me back and forth between them.
But once I actually got into elementary school, they decided to move in together and become roommates in Chicago.
Nothing romantic or anything like that.
They just wanted, you know, to co-parent together in the same household.
And honestly, it was my favorite time of my childhood.
So yeah, if any single parents are considering co-parenting in the same household, I could say from my experience, it was really, really good for me.
And actually, I just kind of miss it.
But yeah, gang, gang.
Thank you for calling in.
Let me look up really quick the definition of co-parenting just so I'm operating on a clean co-parenting.
Share the duties of parenting, especially of a separated or unmarried couple.
So basically it is people, co-parenting, sometimes called joint parenting or shared parenting, is the experience of raising children as a single parent when separation or divorce occurs.
However, placing the sole focus on your children can be a great way of helping to make co-parenting a positive experience.
So it's where the parents are single, but they're both raising the child.
So that could be in a couple of ways where, you know, you guys are, you know, just, you guys are divorced.
It could be that you guys are like this situation, roommates.
So, obviously, there is something special that happens as a child, then, from your perception, when both your parents are in the same place.
And you know what?
I could really imagine that.
It's like, because with parents, you can play one off of the other.
It's fun to see them interact.
You know, they're like this, when you're a kid, your parents are like this weird comedy duo.
Sometimes it's just cruising around the house, just trying to take away your privileges.
So it's really interesting to have, I guess, to get to see them at the same time interact with each other.
It could be kind of lonesome if you just go to your dad's house and he's just being, you know, kind of sad or something, or looking up escorts or just being like a nice guy.
Or you go to your mom's house and she's just kind of being sad or buying these crazy, you know, high-powered sexual toys, you know, these real, you know, these crotch.
You know, damn, John Deere is making things for women's crotches now.
And it is just, good God.
I mean, they got some things that run on gas powered.
You got to, you know, you got to dang, you know, you got to float the choke a little bit before you can even get that thing to start up.
And so that's really, I don't know what kind of, I don't know what's going on.
So yeah, I think seeing those parents, getting to see your parents kind of give each other a wet willy or tickle each other or, you know, or try on scarves or different things like that, there's going to be something special there.
Having that moment where you're, you know, maybe playing hide and go seek and both your parents are there to play with you.
You know, there is something about having them in the same house.
So now maybe if your parents, like you said, your parents just happened to live together, they weren't married, but they lived in the same house.
So maybe co-parenting is more effective if the parents are living in the same home, even if they're not married, but they're there together at the same time, which I could imagine because from what I hear, there's a lot of like something that happens with like a nesting, you know, where it feels like you're in a nest and a safe place where you can grow.
You know, your mom is there to nurture you.
Your father is there to take care of and provide.
And it feels probably very natural to us because a lot of species do it.
You know, you see this show, they got a thing called, what is it?
Penguin, I don't know, Polar Express or something.
Maybe it's like about a bunch of penguins.
It's on the nature show.
They have a bunch of penguins and these mother, dude, these guys, penguins, I don't know if you know what penguins are.
They're basically, they're kind of, they act like, kind of like little bitches.
I mean, they don't, you know, they kind of shore with people.
You know, they always like just, you know, they don't even really, you know, they're just sitting over there giving you that, who's that guy?
That slumber J arm.
What's your boy?
He was, he could barely point at the oil.
John McCain, you know, he got that low hitter.
You know, he just got that, I mean, it's very, he's very, you know, he got that half mast, baby, you know.
And, you know, that's how they raise their arm, little penguins.
They don't do much.
The guys all kind of huddle around and then the women, they get pissed and they jump off of the mountain and go get a belly of fish.
And then they come back, one of them vomits into the child and then the other one goes out.
But I think as the child, to see your parents just doing that shift, that, you know, that teamwork, that tandem, you realize, I bet you learn a lot about, you know, what it takes as a team, as a tandem to make it work.
You know, my parents, I remember my dad liked to sleep in his car at the park and he would sometimes drink too much and he would just stay outside and just sleep in his car in front of the house.
And he used to have a lot of cups of like different Mardi Gras de Balloons from the parade and he would just throw them out of his car when he was driving, like kind of like he was his own little parade a little bit.
I mean, he was also 80 years old at this point or 78 or something.
But yeah, sometimes he would get a little bit of free champagne because one of his friends worked at the champagne distillery and he would drive over old champagne.
And my dad, I know, would sit out on the porch sometimes and, you know, chug down a half a bottle of old champagne.
And I would be out there and he would let me smell his breath because I liked the way that the champagne smelled.
But then I think it's just fun as a kid to have both of the parents around.
It's something real.
I mean, Jesus.
I think just, you know, I mean, there's enough kids already that are raised by single parents.
It's just a little hectic.
It's not the same vibe.
But maybe that's where we're headed.
And if we are headed there as a species because we're such in this me generation and, you know, myself and, you know, a lot of us are there not even by choice.
It's like, you know, social media really puts us in our own world and our own perceptions.
And, you know, we have our own Facebook page.
We have our own IG.
We have our own Snapchats.
We have our own whatever it is, TikToks or whatever.
It's all our own personal things that it, you know, we start to look at as our lives, as our world, just as ourselves.
It's just me.
It's just me.
So if that's where we're headed as people, then co-parenting might be the only viable possibility.
Because if your parents aren't going to live together, they're not going to stay married or they don't want to be married.
Then at least if they can live together in an environment where they can raise a child.
So I don't know.
I'm thinking a lot about that kind of stuff just today for some reason.
Fuck, man.
I'm fucking tired.
You ever sleep a lot and you're tired?
You're like, dang, dude.
What was I doing in my dream?
running a lot or something?
But thank you for calling in.
You know, maybe there'll be a turn where people start to, you know, really make good choices about relationships, and you see a lot more kids getting raised in the nest.
And you see just, you know, you'll see more of that vibe a little bit.
But yeah, that hockey puck kind of style of child raising.
I don't know, you know, I've never done it, but I don't know what it's, I don't know if it's super healthy.
I don't know.
And then sometimes, you don't know.
Sometimes some kids is just made out of, you know, fish and snails and puppy dog pails, you know, or whatever.
You know, cinnamon and spice and nothing nice or whatever.
You got a kid who's got fucking, you know, made out of 70 grams of damn nutmeg in his neck, and he's never going to get it together.
So some of that is just kind of God's plan.
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You know, I've been thinking about just trying to be more certain about the things that I need in my life, even if I'm wrong.
Sometimes I stay in this middle ground where I'm just so uncertain and I never really kind of make a lot of choices.
I just stay in this uncomfortable space.
And I've just been thinking about it.
I need to own what my choices are, even if they're wrong.
Because part of me just wants to not make any choices.
So then I don't ever take any kind of real risks sometimes.
But then I spend all the time in my head just battling both choices, both decisions.
It's like, do I do this or do I do that?
But instead of deciding, I'll just keep asking myself that.
Do I do this?
Do I do that?
Do I do that for months?
Should I do this?
The options aren't even gone.
It was like, should I pick this cabbage or this little grapefruit at the produce?
And that shit is damn wilted and been bought by others, but I'm still wondering in my head.
You know, it's like my indecisiveness is just, it's exhausting, honestly.
It's like, what do I do here?
If I choose this, am I going to hurt somebody's feelings?
If I choose that, am I going to hurt my feelings?
And sometimes I don't even want to make choices because it's like, am I mentally well enough to even make any choices?
Like, you know, am I, do I need to get in a better place before I make choices for myself?
I think that sometimes.
Like, man, should I even make a choice right now?
I don't even know if I'm doing okay.
I don't know.
Life's just, some of us tricky.
But let's take in this other call about co-parenting.
Here we go.
What's going on, Theo?
Zach from Phoenix.
I just had some.
Jack Jack from Phoenix.
My second favorite football team right there, the Arizona Cardinals.
And I also like them Detroit Lions.
Onward.
Advice for that guy asking if he's too old to be having kids or whatever.
You know, I was 23 when I met a woman, thought she was pretty cool, started dating.
Only catch was that she was three months pregnant with someone else's kid, of course.
Oh, yeah.
If you hit not, yeah, if you met a woman, she's already pregnant with somebody else's kid.
That's like kind of like when you ever do an Easter egg hunt and you go and you already, you go to the bush and the egg's gone.
It's like that.
Things didn't end up working out, but I raised that kid for about three years, and it told me that having kids was worth it.
You know, even if shit might not go right, you might be worried you might be with the wrong person or whatever.
In my case, I was.
And, you know, all the tough shit was worth it.
And so I say, go for it, man, before he gets too damn old.
Gang, gang.
Gang, bro.
Well, thank you for the suggestion.
Yeah, you know, I think, I mean, I keep having sperm in my body because, you know, even though I'm still off pornography, I'm back off.
I think I got like another 30 days under my belt.
And that's changed my life.
I got to talk about that more.
Next week, I'm going to do the episode talking about just how, you know, pornography and being off of it has really started to adjust the ways I think and feel.
But yeah, I keep having when I do touch myself I see you know I have sperm inside of my body That kind of rears its little beak, you know or comes out of me or you know that self-spray kind of and What I'm telling you is That I can still do it So I appreciate it.
Yeah, I might do it at some point, but I don't think I'm gonna do it right now.
But at some point, I might have to get out there and and catch a zygote, you know, catch a case of the of the, you know, full sexual reproduction.
And I'm glad it was a good experience for you, brother.
You know, it's brave that men over there get on the front lines.
That's like, I mean, that's almost like a little bitty Vietnam.
That's almost like a ski diet named, you know, when you got to raise somebody else's, you know, skeet for a while.
Isn't it crazy that you have a bill, like a man, even a fucking idiot right now has millions of babies running around in his body, little, you know, kind of nut buddies.
And that all you got to do is tickle them enough around his wiener and they'll show up.
I mean, if that doesn't sound like a new minions movie, then I don't know what does, right?
Let's take another call here.
We got a lot of good calls coming in.
Thank you very much.
Hey, Theo, this is Valerie from Olympia.
Hey, Valerie from Olympia up there in I think maybe Washington or Olympia the country.
I'm not sure.
We just saw your show at Seattle last weekend and it was awesome.
Oh, thank you very much.
Yep, Washington.
Thank you guys for coming.
I was calling about somebody called, talking about a friend that didn't show up.
I mean, he might have been stalking him and it might be somebody that he met off the internet.
Oh, yeah.
This was, we had a guy who called in last week about, you know, he was kind of losing his friend and he wasn't sure if he should still be friends with him or not because he felt like he was doing all of the work onward.
Might have been stalking him and it might be somebody that he met off the internet and he's just peeping in the bushes hoping that for some reason that guy would call him back.
But if it is truly his friend from his childhood and he really does know him, I have to disagree with you.
I really feel like if a relationship is toxic, you've got to think about your own mental health and your own happiness at some point.
And you shouldn't have to work that hard to make a friendship work.
I'm not saying that he has to cut him off or refuse his call if that guy calls him, but I do think it's important to surround yourself with people that value you and just kind of let that one go.
If he doesn't want to call him back, maybe don't call him anymore.
Seek out friends that are worth your time.
But also if he's stalking him, that's a serious issue.
Yeah.
No, I appreciate the call.
You know what?
That's a really good point.
That's a good thought.
Like, yeah, maybe, yeah, like sometimes, yeah.
If the person, if it's not cutting it for you, then, yeah, let them go.
You know, when I just heard you say that, Valerie, it made me think about in my own life, like, yeah, sometimes I will just keep riding relationships, even though there's like nothing there, maybe.
You know, like, sometimes I have friends, I keep talking to them, even though every time I talk to them, I'm like, are we even friends?
What's going on even?
Or am I just somebody that for some weird reason has been talking to this person every now and then?
You know, I think I've always had a, well, I wonder if I'm just like afraid to let friendships go because what if, I don't know, just so happy to have any connection at all that, man, I can't let it.
I can't let it go.
And it is true.
It's like at a certain point, we're not helping ourselves.
It's like some relationships, I'm like, are these, is this relationship even helpful or good for me in my life?
Or is it just a burden?
But then part of me thinks, well, if this is a burden, maybe this other person really needs somebody, an excessive care, you know, someone who just doesn't give up on them, you know, even, you know, or doesn't, you know, keeps it alive no matter what.
And I'm not saying that that's a right way to do it or that there's any winner in the scenario.
I think, because I think in some cases you can really exhaust yourself.
I really exhaust myself sometimes, you know, keeping friendships alive.
And some people, though, somebody's probably thinking the same thing about me.
Like, man, I'm so fucking tired of texting Theo or reaching out and never getting a response.
You know, I got a guy, a buddy who, you know, who sent me, you know, he sent me a couple of nice gifts and he's been so supportive.
And I literally just not had time to reach out to him.
And I always feel bad.
It's like, but yeah, at some point, even then, at some point, am I just hurting their feelings on the other side of the coin by, would it be big of me to just say, hey, man, look, I know I'm not putting what I need to into this relationship or into this buddy ship right here, this little buddy battle.
So let me just step off the battlefield.
Yeah, it's interesting.
I think it's case-by-case basis.
But I will, sometimes I will just keep trying a friendship because I'm just afraid to let it end, even though there's nothing else there.
Even though, you know, I don't want to put my faith that a different friend will come along and fill that space, a better opportunity.
And the truth is, for me, the experience, the proof of experience in my life has been that if I leave space for new things, that new things will come along.
As hard as it is, as hard as it is to be like, okay, I'm going to let this go.
I'm going to let this rope go and just start to close my other, I'm going to let the rope go with one hand and I'm going to start to close this other hand.
And at the moment that this one hand has fully let go of the one rope, I'm just going to have faith that there's going to be another rope will have formed in this other hand at the exact moment I need it to, so that I don't just disappear off into the ether and just fall into the void.
And it always does.
That's the crazy thing.
Every time I give like faith or opportunity a chance, I feel like it always shows up.
Even though it's so hard to do it.
That's tricky, man.
Damn, we are tricky rabbits, boy.
Let me get this call that came in.
As always, the hotline 985-664-9503.
I need to go run or something.
I got to get my blood going.
I'm feeling like my blood is slow.
Yeah, what's up, Theo?
This is Parker.
I'm here in New Jersey.
And, you know, I'm in high school.
And I failed two classes, you know, for the year.
Damn, you're in high school, dude.
What grade are you in?
42nd grade?
You in 19th grade?
Man, you sound about 50, dude.
You sure you're in high school?
Thank you for calling, man.
I appreciate you calling.
I got to do summer school, and it sucks, you know.
My parents don't like it.
They're a little pissed off, and they're disappointed in me.
It sucks, but, you know, I got to do this summer school.
And I was just wondering if you got any advice for moving on from it, moving on with high school, trying to get into college, and just seeing, you know, what to do from here.
Because, you know, trying to get the disappointment away from my parents.
Yeah, man, you got to go out there and get that hitter.
Okay, little kitten.
You got to freaking put your tongue in the milk and start doing the work.
Yeah, your parents are disappointed probably because they've really given, you know, they've given you some environment maybe where you can really prosper.
I mean, Parker really honestly is not usually a poor kid's name.
So, because if you're Parker, you got to, you know, unless you're valet.
Now that we usually, that's more, valet is more, you know, a poor guy's name sometimes.
Like, you know, actually, it sounds actually kind of rich.
Valet.
That sounds French.
That's my boy Valet.
That's Parker.
So really, that's the same name.
But what I'm saying is Parker, usually if you met a Parker, that dude, you know what I'm saying?
He definitely had a couple extra pudding packs in his satchel.
And so you've had the opportunity, man.
You're going to summer school.
I think you need to decide if you like school or not.
I'll tell you this, going to college is fun.
That's what it is.
It's fun.
You get to meet people.
You get to have fun.
You know, I think you should start to maybe apply yourself and see what you could do, man.
I bet you could do a little bit of magic.
Now, also, you could take another route.
If your parents got a little bit of coin, you could get that little bit of a loan, maybe, and go do some wild shit.
Get out there on the, you know, hit the road and get that bone going, boy, and get out there and do some boning.
Do some sex out there.
Travel America or travel Europe.
But school, I think school is cool because it's just an experience.
You can't really go back to school later on in life that much and have that much fun.
You can't be 45 or 46 and trying to join as, you know, peeking in the Zeta house windows, you know, or running in there in the middle of the night and hiding a couple pairs of panties in your fucking mouth or throat.
So you got to really enjoy it now.
And it sounds like you have that opportunity, man.
I would go.
I would go.
You could take a year off and then go, but I would go to college because it's a blast.
But I'd go to summer school and take some action, man.
Get your shit together.
G up.
Drink a Red Bull or something or have half a Red Bull and go in there.
But because at a certain point, man, I'm not trying to preach to you, but at a certain point, people that don't do, you know, not doing anything for yourself, not getting your work done, that shit starts to become a bad habit.
Now, you might be a slow starter, that late bloomer.
You know, you might be freaking late bloomer essays and boy.
But you got to get out the icky woods, baby, and get into freaking, you know, into some greener pastures.
Because that's what it seems like, you know, there's kind of two roads to go usually.
The road where you got to put in a little more effort and the road where you could just take it easy.
So I put in a little effort, get through the summer school, dude, and then have some opportunities.
But don't be a little hoe.
You feel me, man?
Get out there.
Gang, bro.
Man, let's take a Patreon question that came in.
Sorry to just be going to the questions today, guys.
I know sometimes this maybe looks like kind of a crutch, but this weekend I'm coming to some shows, though.
I will tell you this.
I'm excited.
I'm going to be in San Antonio on Wednesday.
I'm going to be in Austin on Thursday, Tulsa on Friday, and Oklahoma City on Saturday.
And all those shows, everybody, all the seats, I believe, are sold out.
There'll be a couple tickets maybe released, but I do not know when.
But those, yeah, I'm excited.
I'm really, really excited to get down there.
I love going to Texas, and it's going to be a real hoot.
Here is a...
Here's a question that came in.
Faye Dvorchak from our Patreon, she hit us up.
Do your family members listen to the podcast?
Are they supportive of you sharing stories about your life and family on the podcast and in your stand-up material?
Thank you for the support, Faye, and the question.
Yeah, I think so.
You know, they don't really admit to it if they do.
My brother sometimes will say I listen to some of it.
You know, he listens to it from, I think, a very unjudgmental place.
He told me one time, he said, Hey, man, be careful about sharing what you feel sometimes or sharing stuff.
You just, you don't want to kind of corner yourself into a weird place where, you know, he said, just be careful.
Just be careful, you know.
You know, I think he goes, I think you just need to just, you know, he wasn't saying to stop.
He didn't say don't.
He just said, be careful.
And I can understand what he's saying.
You know, sometimes it's like, you know, what stuff is like personal to share and what stuff isn't.
But my family was never really close when I was growing up.
So it's kind of, I feel like we've always almost looked at each other as these separate entities than we have as a group.
And actually, even to go back to the co-parenting stuff, you know, I feel like in some ways I've really struggled because of that.
You know, I remember I only saw my father kiss my mother one time and it was on the top of her head during her birthday.
And she was pissed off about it, kind of.
You know, and he just, they'd be each been having, you know, they'd had a little bit of that champagne.
That guy dropped some off.
And my dad always said he bought it.
But, you know, him and the guy, we hear him fight about the prices of the champagne and shit on the porch.
And the shit was free.
So my dad's like, you getting, you know, we all know this is, you know, old stale champagne.
So, but anyway, he brought in a bottle for my mom's birthday.
And then he kissed her on the top of the head.
And I just remember seeing my mom just be disappointed.
And, and I was already such an aware kid.
I'm not saying that that damaged me or changed my life or anything.
You know, I was already predestined to have a level of, I think, awareness as a child that I was going to be highly sensitive.
But, you know, but to go back to just a previous, like, you know, my family didn't build up those connections.
I didn't really have an understanding of relationships.
You know, my father slept on the couch always.
I never saw him and my, I didn't even know that they had a room together.
You know, I didn't even understand it.
So, you know, I think I definitely picked up on that energy.
You know, I don't know if I could ever share a room with a woman.
I've, you know, I used to talk about that sometimes.
If I ever got a house or something, I would have to get maybe a different room for my wife or a separate house.
That sounds crazy, man, but that's just, you know, I don't know.
And maybe I can defeat that over time, but man, it just, there's something that's, you know, I don't know if I was out there and I, you know, I remember on Christmas, I would go out there and my dad would be on the couch all the time and it was just kind of weird.
But I don't know as a young man, as a young kid, if you go, you know, I remember feeling sorry for my dad.
I felt bad for him.
And I remember like my mom was in this closed off space at the other end of the house.
It wasn't really closed off, but there was like a couple doors, you know, that usually at night I think were closed.
And so I could go knock or something on it, but my dad was there.
He was accessible.
He was on the couch.
And so I would, you know, end up seeing him.
And he was kind of awkward and uncomfortable, maybe, and also older and probably asleep and smelling like champagne.
And so my mom always felt closed off to me.
She felt far away, I think, when I was a kid.
And my dad probably felt rejected or emasculated or let down.
And those energies, I think, do float around in the air.
They float around in the air and they land in a child.
Sometimes in ways we don't know, in places we don't know, and they land in a child.
And look, I'm just kind of guesstimating, trying to just go through my own, you know, my own history, like searching my browser history of my own brain and feelings.
But so we didn't have that connection is what I'm saying.
We didn't have a lot of those connections.
Me, my sisters, you know, then I, you know, my dad left and then he passed away.
I went to live with friends at 14. We never, we're always separate entities.
So if they were to be upset about things, I think they probably learn more about me through this.
And sometimes I think the only reason I even do this podcast is just kind of, you know, in this real far-fetched circle is so, you know, so maybe just so my mother will know who I am a little bit or something.
I don't know.
That might sound crazy, but so sometimes I hope that she listens, you know.
But I don't know if she and I are at the communication level where she would ever, you know, she'll say sometimes I saw some of your podcast or I saw a clip, but I don't know if she, you know, I don't know.
I mean, sometimes I feel like, I mean, I've said it before, that most of my life has been just a desperate, just miscellaneous, just errant and confused attempt to try and connect with my mother, probably.
And not even an attempt that I'm always conscious of, but sometimes an attempt that's just, you know, just like somebody throwing just rocks into like a lake at night or something.
And they're also into the ocean, and they're also sleepwalking, so they don't even know they're doing it.
You know, it's interesting when I, if I really, I wish I could really had a good chart of everything I've ever done in my life or, because I bet there's a lot of just miscellaneous patterns that I've had that have just been attempts to connect with a mother or with someone, with a parent, with someone, or with myself, even maybe.
You know, I'm not sure.
But sometimes I wonder if all of us, what we do, is just some reflection or some inverse.
Our behaviors are just an inverse of like unsettled emotional debts that we have with our parents or with our childhood or with like if everything we do is just this
kind of mummy kind of like this zombie walk to fill these couple little things that were never filled, you know, these couple needs as a child.
I don't know.
But that's why, I mean, I do think that the parenting is very important.
You know, because you're just going to give the kid the best shot.
So you can't have the kid fucking uber in two hours to go meet the other one.
I think that's a little tricky.
Or it's just not ideal.
But then also, that's a lot of where we are these days.
That's a lot of where we are.
But moving forward, we can do it different.
So if our parents were far away from each other moving forward, it's like, well, am I able to be able to have an adult conversation with this man or this woman and say, hey, you know, I know we have this kid.
You know, we disagree with, you know, we're not in love.
But can we be, can we cohabitate or be in the same space or close enough to each other where we can have an effect on this kid's life easily?
You know, but just because it could be something that's really going to start popping off.
Or it could not be.
You know, we don't know which way the tide's always going to go.
Sometimes the moon will get tricky and kind of do a different pull on the water.
What else?
Let's take in one more call.
You know, and thank you guys so much for the calls and for helping me think about these things and for hearing your thoughts.
You know, I do love the fact that, you know, it's episodes like this that kind of remind me, like, that help me.
They don't remind me.
They really help me.
Try not to be a know-it-all.
Man, and that's a scary thing, isn't it?
Because that's an easy thing for me to be a know-it-all.
Not to listen, not to connect, you know, just to be cut off.
Because it's more comfortable.
If I know it all, then I don't have to learn anything from you.
And the truth, I don't know much.
I don't even know much.
Think about that.
Think about all there is to know.
And think about what you, what, dude, when I think about all there is to know and when I think about what I know, dude, we're going to need to see you in the principal's office, Theo.
Because I am, I'm definitely turning in my work late.
You feel me?
I'm coming up a little light.
So, yeah, but it's funny that I'll be a know-it-all sometimes just to really prevent me from, because if I know it all, I don't have to listen to somebody else tell me something.
I don't have to listen to your idea.
I don't have to connect with you.
It's just another way I don't have to connect.
You know, I can stay out of it.
I can stay alone.
I can stay just me.
You know, I don't have to let anybody in.
I don't know.
It's just a wild experiment that we're in, isn't it?
It is a wild, beautiful, possibly planned experiment.
And this is the gift, man.
This is it.
Let's hear another call right here.
Onward.
Hey, Theo.
This is, you can call me CC for now.
You'll understand why.
Okay, CC.
And I like names like that.
CC, DD, Randy, Timmy, Tim, Tim.
I like some different names.
Blazer, I used to know this fellow named Blazer.
I had a problem that I thought, you know, the rat king and the kingdom might be able to help me out with.
So one of my coworkers I started working with about three months ago, he's been there 27 years with the company.
He always talks about our boss, about how he screwed him over with some money and some workers' comp, whatever.
I try to stay out of it, but I got some big Tony Ferguson there, so people think I'm a good listener.
You got that T-Ferg, huh?
Fergie Ferg, love you a long time, boy.
You got them freaking sonars, huh?
Them batwings.
Them dark sound fucking suckers.
Homeward?
Anyway, so the other day he showed me one of those little pocket voice recorders.
And so I'm worried that I'm on CCTV looking at this little pocket voice recorder device.
And I know Snitch is good snitches, but I think this bitch is trying to blackmail them.
And my boss is a good guy, actually.
I know his family.
So I'm wondering, what should I do?
Should I tell my boss, tell his family, leave an anonymous note, whatever?
Yeah, that's pretty much it.
Gang, gang, I guess.
And peace the fuck out.
Well, look, man, it sounds like you are right now knowledgeable of a crime.
So if you're knowledgeable of a crime, then you got to tell somebody.
You got to turn somebody in, bucko.
I mean, if somebody's taking money from your boss, because here's the thing, if the money goes away, and then what?
The company's Going to go away.
Dude, if the money goes away, you're going to get paid less.
If the boss doesn't have his, you know, suddenly his family don't have as many Capri sons in the cabinet.
They're not going down there to Pensacola every year to get the, you know, to get sunburned as a team, then if they don't have those opportunities, you know, if there's less money in the boss's pocket, then there's going to be less pay to go around for you guys.
So if your boy over there is blackmailing people, that's really, that's a dark art, man.
So I think, but then also, if you just don't know what he's doing and he's got these crazy phone videos and shit and you sound like, you know, and you turning him in, you over here Inspector Gadget, and nobody's even, there's no malfunction, then you're going to seem like a real Muppet.
You're going to seem like a real fucking, like a real, just a, just like a plastic missile, like a little real bitch missile.
So I, if you think he's blackmailing your boss, I think you got to say something.
Which one of them is more your boy?
That's what I would go with.
You know, I don't think anybody extorting anybody exploiting anybody.
I mean, I'm getting exploited by this shitty bird dogs company.
You know, these people, you know, they baited us with helping out with a video, helping out their company, and then the guy is a piece of shit.
You know, so that kind of stuff, it's not cool to do to people.
If somebody's stealing from someone, it's not right.
Now, if your boss is a real piece of shit and he owes the guy a bunch of money or something, and I think just trust your instincts.
I'm cool with Robin Hooding.
And if you got a Robin Hood a little, you know, when I used to do checkout at the groceries, I tell you when the rich people would come through, I'd scan one box of cereal.
I'd scan it three or four times.
They didn't notice.
They had three carts.
They had two kids, all of the kids, beautiful.
One of the kids had on a Sterling bracelet one time, Sterling silver, 40, you know, 40 carats or something, you know, 50 carats.
Like, damn, these little, this kid was fucking nine months old.
I'm like, look at this kid over here got dressed up like, dang, he got wrists like Willie Nelson.
Dude had a bunch of damn turquoise, beautiful, turquoise hitters on his wrists.
And the kid barely could hold up a cabbage off his chest.
Very nine months old.
And these people got that money.
So I would, you know, I'd scan their box of cereal three times.
And then when the mother come through and she only got a couple chives in there and she got a, you know, she got a kid on one, you know, she got a kid on each tit.
And one of them's kind of a little bit jaundiced.
I would say, hey, they had three boxes of cereal.
I would scan it one, just scan one.
My register came out even.
So I think you play about, I think you can do that one yourself, man.
I mean, if our listeners have a suggestion, that's fine.
But as always, you can hit the hotline with anything, 985-664-9503.
And because, yeah, you just got to, you know what's best, man.
You got to trust yourself.
Trust your instincts.
If this dude's out there scholar wagon, then you got to nip, you know, you got to fucking put a nick in his nuts.
Put a nick in his nuts.
But if he's out there Robin Hooding, baby, then just fry our tuck a little.
You know, pick up a damn lamb leg and relax.
Thank you guys for being a part of the episode this week.
We got some really neat guests.
We got the Wolf of Wall Street is coming in this week, Jordan Bell Fort.
Who else we got?
Oh, some really groovy UFC fighters.
You know, Roseanne is going on tour.
It looks like they're announcing a tour with Andrew Dice Clay.
Mom called at the beginning of the podcast.
I checked in with her.
You know, I was driving over here and my Uber driver was saying something.
And, you know, sometimes it's easy for me to talk to my mom.
Sometimes I'm so frustrated I just don't want to.
You know, I don't want to hear her voice.
You know, I just heard it so much when I was a kid and it was uncomfortable to me.
And I'm not mad at her.
It just, this is what happened.
And so I don't want to hear it.
I don't even like hearing, if I get into an Uber, I ask the man, I said, will you turn off the direction, the woman saying the directions over and over again?
I don't know why any Uber driver would leave that on.
Immediately, I can't tip somebody that leaves that voice on.
Some lady's just telling us where to go for the next 22 minutes.
I'm out, bro.
But I had him turn it off and I said, man, sometimes it just, it grates me, that voice.
He said, why?
I said, you know, it just reminds me, I think, of being young, my mom was always on me.
And it just grated me, man.
It just was too much.
There was nothing to balance it out.
You know, there wasn't the other softer voice of a father sometimes.
Or my mother couldn't be a soft voice that she wanted to be because she had four children and there was no man to help.
You know, she said, my mother didn't even maybe have a chance to be a real sweet mother.
But, you know, it's, and he goes, well, you know, you just have to love your mother.
And he just reminded me.
And he goes, you just call her, you text her, you know, no one else has that experience with you where they carry them in your body.
I mean, what if a sandwich that you ate, you know, showed up nine months later and told you, you know, it was your son and it looked a little bit more like you?
What if you had a, you know, you had a Reuben or you had a BLT and that bitch showed up nine months later and said it was your child?
You'd be like, damn, what?
You were in my body, but I didn't know it was like that.
And they're like, it is like that.
It is like that.
Papa.
You know?
I'm your Chimichanka.
I'm your son.
Estu no estu estu pequeño.
El.
You know, my Spanish is kind of bad or this, you know, or the connection is bad here.
But sometimes, you know, we find our family where we can.
You know, we find our family where we can.
And I'm happy to have, I'm just happy to just be here today with you guys, man.
This is honestly my weekend.
I had a good Weekend, I met some new friends.
I actually had some neat experiences, but this has been the best part of it by far.
You guys be good to yourselves.
And I'm going to play making it.
On the way in, we played Alabama by Bishop Gunn and on the way out.
I'm going to play Making It by Bishop Gunn.
I'm just staying on that DG.
They're going to be opening up for the Rolling Stones.
Can you believe that?
Can you believe that little band?
They're opening up for the Rolling Stones in Houston, Texas.
Here we go.
You guys be good to yourselves, man.
deserve it.
Gang.
I ain't seen home in about a hundred days.
I can almost hear mama pray for my restless soul.
And I ain't made a dollar I ain't spent.
But where it's going ain't killed me yet.
I still get where I'm bound to go I I'm making it.
I'm making wrong feel right.
I'm making it.
And if hell's where I'm headed then, I'm making good time
And most all of my plans slip right through my hands and wound up next to me, broken on the ground.
If this bottle was an hourglass, I'd say that I'm about an hour past minute.
I should've put it down.
But I'm making it.
I'm making all feel right.
I'm making it.
And it helps where I'm heading there.
I'm making good time I'm making good time I'm making good time
Thank you.
Between the most and the fear of here alone I see.
But I'm in pretty good shape for the shape that I'm in I'm making it, I'm making it I'm making it wrong to see it right I'm making
it, I'm making it I'm making it tough I'm making it, I'm making it I'm making it wrong to see it right I'm making
it, and it tells me I'm hating the end I'm making it tough I'm making it tough Make it touchline I ain't staying home in about a hundred days.
I can almost hear mama pray for my restless soul.
I can almost hear mama pray for my restless soul.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The information, sometimes I'll interview my friends, sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Aye, sweetheart.
Here's a deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jermaine.
Ho-ho!
I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Ho-ho-ho!
No!
I think Tom Hanks is a bunny guy.
Anyway, the first rule the Kai Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
The second rule the Kai Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Go rule.
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