First Time for Everything | This Past Weekend #205
Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ Theo takes voicemails about listeners first crotch touches, then is joined by Nick for the news, and closes the show with a voicemail about feeling guilty for spending instead of saving. Check out Producer Nick’s podcast: Another Bachelor Podcast http://bit.ly/TPW_AnotherBachelorPodcast Covering Bachelor, Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise This episode brought to you by… Blue Chew Visit https://bluechew.com and enter promo code THEO to receive your first order free plus only $5 shipping Chris Distefano Listen wherever podcasts are available Hair Club Visit https://HairClub.com/THEO for a free hair analysis and free hair care kit Omaha Steaks Visit https://OmahaSteaks.com and type PAST into the search bar to receive $235 worth of meat for only $59.99 Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 Music “Every Night” by Jameson Flood https://soundcloud.com/jameson-flood Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis Gunt Squad www.patreon.com/theovon Name Aaron Jones Aaron Rasche Aaron Wayne Anselmi Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alexa harvey Andrea Gagliani Andrew Valish Angelo Raygun Anthony Holcombe Anthony Schultz Arielle Nicole Ashley Konicki Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Bad Boi Benny Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Herron Benjamin Streit Bobby Hogan Brad Moody Brandon Hoffman Brandon Kirkman Carla Huffman Casey Roberts Charles Herbst Christian Coyne Christina Peters Christopher Stath Cody Cummings Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Crystal Dakota Montano Dan Draper Dan Perdue Daniel Chase Danielle Fitzgerald Danny Crook Danny Gill David Christopher David Smith Diana Morton Dionne Enoch Donald blackwell Doug C Drew Munoz Dusty Baker Faye Dvorchak Felicity Black Ginger Levesque Grant Stonex Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia J.P. Jacob Rice Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter Jameson Flood Jason Price Jeffrey Lusero Jenna Sunde Jeremy Johnson Jeremy Siddens Jeremy Weiner Jim Floyd Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joel Henson Joey Piemonte John Kutch Johnathan Jensen Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan R Josh Cowger Josh Nemeyer Justin Doerr Justin L justin marcoux Kaitlin Mak Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kirk Cahill kristen rogers Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Laszlo Csekey Lauren Williams Lawrence Abinosa Leighton Fields Luke Bennett Madeline Garland Mandy Picke'l Marisa Bruno Matt Kaman Meaghan Lewis Meghan LaCasse Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mike Poe Mona McCune Nick Butcher Nick Roma Nick Rosing Nikolas Koob Noah Bissell OK Passenger Shaming PF24 Gang Gang Qie Jenkins Rachel Warburton Randal Ranger Rick Robert Mitchell Robyn Tatu Rohail Ryan Hawkins Ryan Walsh Sarah Anderson Scoot B. Scott Wilson Sean Scott Season Vaughan Secka Kauz Shane Pacheco Shannon potts Shona MacArthur Suzanne O'Reilly Theo Wren Thomas Adair Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tommy Frederick Travis Simpson Tugzy Mills Tyler Harrington (TJ) Victor Montano Victor S Johnson II Vince Gonsalves William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Man, I'm trying to watch this game of thrones and um and man these guys They just I mean they cannot get along really or the women or the women or the women so I just don't even know what to think anymore I mean it's just swords and pedophilia and they don't even and what about all the candles that are lit do you
even notice that every set every they got 2,000 they got nine candles everywhere somebody's getting murdered and they got three candles behind them who's putting them out you never see anybody you know doing like a little bit of fire safety or something protocol whatever i gotta i gotta quit worrying about some of this stuff it
was me every night i lie awake i feel like a fake i put on a show um that is jameson flood like the water i don't know if you ever had too much to drink and uh and that's similar to a flood but it's different good to be here um with you guys thank you for
joining me and thank you for allowing me to be here with you what's up i'm here you're here geez sometimes i feel like this like i'm just leaving you a voicemail and it's just like a really long one like i'm just that chatty vm dropper it is it is right now it is monday june 10 the 10 of june so if you see somebody tomorrow and
they say well what date is it you say well it's the 10 of june it's the 10 of june and we are coming up i believe on the summer solstice and that's when summer really really starts to uh heat things up and and the planets like all agree that it's summer they kind of line up and the sun and the moon and it's uh because there's always a couple you know they always got a planet or
two you know pluto you know a couple of jupiter's moons or whatever that are always like ah you know it's not summer it's not really summer it's the you know we're doing this couple holdouts but when that solstice lines up when that summer solstice june 22nd that's the equinox when it lines up that's when it's summer says that's the grilling that's the time that really summer really will fucking grill you meat
that's when that fire comes straight out of the sun and just it'll get you it will get you if you're trying to get rid of a spouse or something that is a good time to uh to you know to leave them in the yard so but let's don't think about that i'm gonna let you know that today's episode is brought to you by blue chew and a lot of people think blue chew when i was young it was a chewing tobacco it was a blueberry
chewing tobacco and so you know not you know chewing tobacco and blueberries nothing will really give you i mean that'll make your stomach just howl right out of your buttocks but blue chew i gotta tell you if you're gonna if you like sex and some people do some people don't if you like it you're gonna love blue chew.com blue chew is a performance enhancement for
the bedroom so this ain't a kitchen pill this ain't something you pop a little bit and you know cut a carrot this is something for the bedroom wouldn't you wouldn't you like to last longer and go extra rounds make your wiener really twerk you know really twerk bluechew.com makes the first chewable with same active ingredients as viagra and sialis at a lower price than the other two that's right it's chewable them
chewable you know pecker poppers baby this is it there's no doctor visit no awkward conversation no waiting in line at a pharmacy ships directly to your door in discrete packaging blue chew chewables prescribed online by a doctor and made in the usa blue chew gives you confidence in bed every time here's the great deal for you guys who is trying to get a little bit more thicker in your in your sticker
go to blue chew.com get your first order free when you use promo code theo just pay five dollars shipping that's b-l-u-e-c-h-e-w.com and promo code th e o just pay five dollars for the shipping also going to let you know comedy central has your new favorite podcast and it's called stand up with chris destefano every week chris and his producer will be listening to and
discussing some of the greatest stand-up Of all time, from classic bits out of Comedy Central's library to jokes from today's hottest up-and-coming comedians.
They'll unpack their favorite bits, discuss the comedy scene, call up other comedians, and get into everything comedy.
And hey, since they record at Comedy Central's headquarters in New York City, you never know who might drop in.
Imagine listening to Hannibal Burris do some stand-up and then listen to him show up in studio.
Or some Maria Bamford, some Mitch Hedberg.
Favorites from today and the past.
It's basically two podcasts for the price of one completely free.
There's nothing else like it on the air.
Subscribe and listen to new episodes of Stand Up with Chris DeStefano every Thursday, wherever you listen to your podcasts.
Oh.
What's going on?
Oh, I had jet lag.
I had jet lag.
And look, I didn't think jet lag was that real.
And I'll be in the middle of a mouthful of potatoes, you know, or patats.
And I shut down.
Like somebody pressed the power button on me while I was patatting.
And I will just shut down.
Jet lag will bring a man.
I mean, it'll make your ankles roll right out of your feet.
It'll just, it's a real thing.
And I think it's something we can start to find a way to use on our enemies.
A little bit of jet lag.
But what do I know?
We got a, you know, I'm happy to be here with you.
What's going on with me?
What's going on, man?
Honestly, dude, I hurt my freaking back.
I was putting a shirt on and it wasn't even a strong shirt or a thick shirt.
I was putting on a mediocre, you know, a mediocre shirt.
And I came out, my head came out the neck hole and it came out like at an angle and it hurt my back and my neck.
So I've been just kind of real limited addition all week.
I've been having to lay ice, lay on ice in my bed.
I'll get me a couple trays of ice and I get my, my, I got a beach towel.
And a beach towel, somebody really, that's marketing.
Because a towel, you could do anything with a towel.
Towel for this, towel for that.
You got out the shower, towel up.
You know, you spilled some wine, get that towel.
You know, you're in the desert, towel up, put a towel around your scalp, you know, they got it all.
Then somebody said, oh, we need a specific towel for the beach.
We need a beach towel.
And that's marketing right there.
It's still a towel.
There's nothing different about it.
Somebody put the word beach in front of it and now everybody's fucking spending an extra $13.99.
And I had that beach towel.
I put it on my bed.
I put a bunch of ice cubes.
I put three trays of cubes on it.
And then I'll lay on that ice and be that little ice daddy, that ice baby.
And man, it's cold at first, but then the pain goes away and you can't feel anything.
And damn, you get so cold sometimes and then it disappears.
And then you don't even know who you are, man.
And I even have to put my legs up in the air.
It looks like I'm a damn newborn.
Like I'm a newborn and I'm trying to get my, you know, my bum powdered by mom.
I'm trying to get my bum powdered by mom.
And so I do that and I just been icing and heating my back all week.
So it's been just out of commission.
It's crazy, man.
Everything's going good.
And then bam, son, get on your knees, boy.
And the pain, too, I don't, you know, I don't have anything to subside the pain.
So I'm just praying this shit goes away.
And they don't have a chapter in the Bible really about, you know, pain remedy.
The Bible doesn't have, you know, a couple hundred milligrams of ibuprofen hidden in it.
So I was going through all of these, Ramadan, everything.
I'm celebrating anything this week that will help alleviate the pain.
I'm asking all the gods for help.
We had a lot of calls that came in about, you know, I like to think about when I was young and just the joy.
And remember when you were young, man, and you, you know, you tried something new for the first time.
Maybe you saw, you know, you saw a, remember the first time you saw a peach?
You're like, damn, that's an orange.
That's kind of like a, is that like a senior citizen orange or something?
Is that like an orange that maybe been in a halfway house?
Or maybe an orange that, you know, it's kind of like one of those hairless cats, but like, it's like a hair.
It's like a like the hairless cat of the orange family.
And somebody's like, no, motherfucker, that's a peach, man.
That's a peach, boy.
So, you know, you get, I love being young.
Everything was a new experience.
And we get older, we get used to the experiences and they start to run together and things lose their novelty.
And that's what I'm, you know, and I try not to get too caught up in the fact of things losing their novelty.
So I'm trying to just, I'm trying to stay in the novelty of life because there is a lot of beautiful stuff going on.
And one of the novelties that we all go through in time is when somebody touched our, you know, wiener, you know, up in the, you know, if a lady, somebody touched you down in that trim trim,
you know, down in the Vajertons, bro, down in them, you know, down in them, down in the, you know, in that freaking little, that, you know, down in that sugar wallet.
Down in the old, old, you know, down in the old oyster, old, the old oyster coin purse.
You feel me?
Well, everybody has a story about that in a different moment in time.
And we had a beautiful call about a year ago.
Lady, first time a man ever touched her vagina was in a abandoned refrigerator box out in the garage.
And she had a, you know, she had a, she had a beautiful story about that.
And we all have a special first time.
And a lot of you guys know first time somebody, you know, a young lady over there off of Highway 22 kind of masturbated me out into the water.
Over there off of the, you know, in one of the tributaries of the Chufuncta River.
This lady J-O'ed me out there into the water and you could see the fish come up and get the seed that had come out of my body and that was nature going full circle.
You know, I mean, that is just damn nature.
Like somebody just put a whole bunch of nature in a blender and just made a damn, just a smoothie, just a soul smoothie, and just poured that bitch right down into your freaking chakras.
And everybody has that moment.
So a lot of you guys hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
And thank you for hitting the hotline.
And you just called in and shared some of your moments.
So I want to hear some of those.
I haven't heard any of them.
And I'm grateful to you for sharing pieces of your life.
Because we all remember that time.
That first time.
Because look, when you're young, you've been touching young crotch.
You know, I remember we had a guy in our area, this boy, this kid, his name was Tyson, right?
They called him Fat Tyson.
And nobody, his dad called him that.
So, and, you know, he would do, you know, everybody would do, he would, everybody, when you got to know your body, when you find your body had different erogenous zones.
An erogenous zone is something you massage yourself or touch your nipples.
Dude, remember when your nipples got hard?
Remember that?
Bro, I thought, I didn't know what was going on.
I thought I got, like, had fallen down and got an acorn stuck like in my tit on each one, double corn, you know?
So, yeah, just different times, but I remember Fat Tyson told us one time that he had, uh, he had hidden like a small, one of those toothbrushes you get into his, uh, into his anus, in his, you know, anus or whatever, you know, into that, that behoo boy.
And this, I know this is getting kind of dirty, but I'm just, I'm just letting you know that we all have experiences with our body, and there's nothing wrong with that.
There's nothing wrong with if you're young putting something into your buttocks.
There's nothing crazy about that.
I mean, when you first are born, you learn about your mouth.
That's a natural hole, you know?
So you put snacks in there.
Put a sugar treat in your mouth.
Put a little cornbread.
You know, put a broccoli or something into your mouth.
And that's natural.
Then you start learning about other, you know, you sneak into mom's room one day and you see dad in there doing the ear cleaner q-tipping.
And so you get one and you do that.
And it's crazy.
You can't even imagine.
You're like, if it's so close to my brain, this is scary.
And you pull it out and it's a little bit of brown on there.
You're like, Jesus, my brain has brown wax in it.
I'm going to hell.
You know, you get caught up.
And then another, you know, then you wean, you know, your vagina or whatever, you get used to a new thing, your belly button.
I remember one of my favorite things, I would lay on the floor at night and put a couple chocolate.
I would put a couple chocolate chocolate chips.
Because Toll House used to have these sack of chocolate chips.
When mom was going to make chocolate chip cookies, she got a bag of chocolate chips.
And she would have to hide them, boy, because if I found that sack of chocolates to the dome.
And so I'd take a couple.
I'd usually take three and I'd put them into my belly button and lay on my back by the television watching In the Heat of the Night, which was a beautiful television show.
And they would get heated up by my body heat.
And that's when that, and then my belly button would fill with a little bit of chocolate sauce or chocolate, you know, kind of a mousse, I guess, almost a nice fancy, you know, a mousse, they call it.
And then I would dip my finger in there on a commercial break and get me a little hit of chocolate and put that thing in my mouth and just, really just eating chocolate right out of my own, my own belly button, which is unique because, you know, years earlier, I'd been inside of my mother.
She had fed me through that tube.
And here I am filling that hole, you know, that same space where my mother had once nourished me.
Here I am melting chocolate chips, toll house morsels, and just morseling myself up, just dipping my finger into that melted morsel and just bringing it straight up into my face, you know, feeding myself now years later.
And that's just full circle.
It's the same as, it's not the same, but it's very similar to masturbating into a stream and watching the fish come.
And then maybe two years later, you're at a restaurant down the street and you have a little bit of, you know, some tilapi or some barramundi.
Or you have a cut of white fish or butterfish.
First of all, where are they getting new fish from?
You notice this on menus?
Every like maybe two years, they put a new, it's like, oh, they got the mahi mahi.
Where's that been?
Dude, go read Moby Dick.
See how many Mahi Mahis they got in that sucker.
Zilchi Zilchi, bro.
Go, you know, now they got the Barramundi.
I'm somewhere the other day and the guy's like, oh, we got line caught bear mundi.
Dude, I don't give a fuck how you convince that guy, you know, how you convince that thing to swim over here.
I don't care if you poured nicotine in the water for a couple years and slowly got him addicted.
You know, what happened?
Oh, we got, you know, we got, you know we got successfully convinced salmon like you just convinced them to jump into the net it's just like what the fuck are we doing dude and barra mundane i never heard of that give me a real fish people have heard of catfish uh swedish fish that's a candy but everybody's heard of it um trout
um fuck tuna fish i'm just sick of some of this fake fish shit every oh we got butterfish we got white fish what the what are you talking about where where'd you get it you got an email from the lord and they said oh they we releasing you know two new types of fish like it's a new shoe you got limited edition over here on these swimmers get out of here anyway i'm going nuts man i'm
actually starving as well right now um anyway we got some crotch stories let's get into a couple of those and thank you guys for uh for calling um i also right before we get into i want to say this too if you hit uh you know we have a couple shows coming up vancouver this week vancouver seattle portland boise and we always do things for single moms out there and uh we have some tickets that we're going to give away for
each of those cities uh to single dads it's father's day coming up so it would be great uh if you guys would email producer p-r-o-d-u-c-e-r at theo von t-h-e-o-v-o-n we want to do something special for some single fathers out there we've got uh and just email and nominate a single father and this has to be a father of decent age i don't don't bring me some 79 year old 200 year old guy
who he you know he has to drink through a sack or whatever he's got a collage i don't want that guy i want a dad who's got a young child who has a child who's in school or you know what i'm saying i want a single dad or and i know that's just my definition of it but that's what i would like so we want to do something special for those men out there uh who because it's tough for those guys too so we want to do special for something special for some single dads and that's what we're going to do and we want to thank our patreon supporters for
helping us with that set aside some tickets uh so just email theovon at producer.com if you recommend someone in those cities um and put the information and we will uh we're gonna we're gonna give out some uh some sets of tickets for those different cities boise portland seattle and vancouver and uh thank you guys so much for your support let's take this call right here here we go hi theo this is sarah from chicago hey sarah from chicago
nice to see you over there and chicago an amazing city in the u.s you know a good city where i think you get a little bit of everything uh and i met some beautiful ladies over there in chicago and over the years i saved them on my phone i would be like oh chicago janet you know chicago uh ray you know ray lean or uh raynell and then over the years but then you come back to town over
the years and you then you hit them up and you're like i don't even remember now this lady's you know she's 45 or 47 and she's got a couple kids her husband's texting you back like who the fuck what's going on so you got to be careful who you whose number you save in that great city let's hear more this morning on my way to work i was laughing at the hotline question because my first sexual experience as a 15 year old was with some with some crotch rubbing and
praise god babe praise god and uh let's hear you just say that part again about the crotch rubbing because it just makes sure everybody heard it i can't tell some with some crotch rubbing and my boyfriend and i who is now my husband were in the back of my dad's car on our way home from great america oh yeah and so it begins immediately i'm going back to that place in my heart in my right now i want to go put on like a um
i want to put on a big johnson shirt they had this special series of shirts uh i want to go put you know i want to i want to put on some old music some boys to men or some um some kind of shit and really make it pop so you and your oh yeah you're in the back of the parents car okay let's go my dad's car on our way home from great america great america is in gurney and he lives all the way in chicago so it's a good two-hour drive it's pretty ooh yeah turn
up the music dad pretty far and i remember i just kind of started touching his crotch i just don't really know why oh i know why because the lord wants you to that's why i mean i say look if you put my hand somewhere and you put a crotch somewhere else and you turn off the lights when you turn that light back on i swear to god boy my hand will be over there so
let's hear more um i'm the oldest of two brothers so i just didn't really have any siblings to kind of help me understand what sex was what was going to happen none of that so he started reacting as men do to a woman touching his cross and he had a uh he had a heart on for about two hours all the way from great america all the way home and my husband and i we still laugh about it uh i remember being so
shocked not really understanding what the hell was going on if he was going to be okay oh yeah and that's beautiful and you know that's love when you get erect and somebody asks you if you're doing okay i mean that's american love right there usually you get erect and people woman might laugh she might you know text it get a shot of it a snap show her friend you know ron he's got a little dick but it's beautiful when a woman you know you get erect you've been erect for
a couple hours a girl knocks on the door hey everything all right let's hear more um and now obviously this is something we can look back and laugh at um gang Gang.
Gang Gang, a two-hour wiener your man showed out with, and that's beautiful.
And if you wanted to enter something in a national 4-H competition, they're judging rabbits and they're judging, you know, little chickadees and stuff.
You got to have two of the chickadees and his hair's got to be slick back and they got to be healthy and their sugar levels good.
But you show me a man who can have an erection, you know, a two-hour wiener on a riding back seat of a car while the dad is picking the music.
That's a show animal to me.
Thank you for that call and thank you for that story and just taking me back in time.
I remember hearing the first time I'd ever even heard about people having sex.
Because we used to do some peep and time.
And when I grew up, peep and time was, I mean, that was cable.
And we used to do some good peep and time.
And boy, I could see somebody eat and I watched somebody eat or do sex or whatever.
And all of it was kind of the same to me at all, just I was so curious very much.
Like the American Beauty, remember that movie with Kevin Spacey and the other boy, Ben Affleck or whatever.
But I loved that.
I loved watching people live their lives through pain glass.
Who doesn't?
And so what I'm saying now is this.
I don't even know what I'm saying.
I don't even know what I'm talking about.
But thank you for that story.
Thank you for taking me back.
I remember the first time when I was young hearing about sex and hearing that people were having it.
And there was a boy, and he was like a year older than us or two years.
And everybody said that he and this girl had had sex on some lawn chairs out by a pool over summer.
And suddenly everybody's like, fuck, man.
I gotta have sex.
People are scared.
People are writing, I'm having sex on pieces of paper and just throw, just, you know, pinning it to their shirt.
Everybody's like, what are you talking about?
People didn't even know.
Like, everybody was just consumed.
People are buying lawn chairs and, you know, laying them, just putting them in their yard.
Other people are like sacrilegious.
They're buying lawn chairs and like putting gas on them and burning them, yelling racial slurs and stuff at them.
It just, it got wild.
But yeah, once that fire starts, once you hear somebody, I mean, I remember my buddy, my buddy, you know, I remember the big thing was if you could touch a woman's crotch while y'all were in the back of the car when the mom was taking you home.
That was, and still, let me say this.
That is still a golden move.
I don't care if you're 15 or if you are 60. If your wife or your significant other's mother is driving y'all somewhere and you in the back with your lady and you get to doing some touching or, you know, or your lady jerks you off while your dad is driving y'all somewhere.
That's still awesome, man.
That is still...
It's just that rare, it's just that thing.
It's something, it's like so defiant of your parents and at the same time, so like adventurous.
Because all your dad has to do is turn back and look and you are, you're done.
Dude, one of my friends who will remain nameless, he was with his family driving somewhere on a vacation.
Okay.
He puts the map up like this and masturbated behind the map.
I mean, if you think your parents don't know that you're masturbating behind a map in a small vehicle, this wasn't an SUV.
This is a car.
SUV?
Maybe.
Jerking off behind a Rand McNally behind a small map in a car in a sedan.
Woo!
Dirt.
That's dirt, boy.
That's dirt.
Come on.
Come in, boy.
You got to tighten up on that level.
All right, let's take another story that came in here.
But, man, just some beautiful stories.
Beautiful stories.
And what a phenomenal time this is in people's lives.
What up, P.O.'s Kyle Sawyer from North Carolina, man, calling in for the FTC, the FTC challenge.
Yes, sir.
And that's first time crotch touch.
And that's that F, first time, FTCT, Crotch Touch.
Thank you for calling in, Kyle, from North Kakalaka.
Beautiful, beautiful place over there.
And I know Duke was losing to Vanderbilt in those men's College World Series, but kudos to them for developing a great program over there.
I know UNC's in the College World Series as well right now.
Whatever you want to call it, that first time Crotch story.
First time I grabbed crotch, my parents and everyone else was going to church.
And you know, when you put the Lord next to the loins, man, it's a real face-off.
Oh, makes it more exciting, doesn't it?
When everybody was in church, we would sneak away and go upstairs and we would swap stick with the girls, you know.
I was in middle school, and I had my girlfriend at the time, and I had seen my stepsister and her boyfriend do something I ain't never seen.
He touched her crotch, and he told me that's what you got to do.
Oh, that's what you got to do, boy.
That's what you got to do.
Sorry, this is very interesting to me to hear this research.
Let's hear more.
They were older than me, so I went back to Sunday school and I was excited, you know.
Oh, yeah, suddenly it's Saturday night, even though it's Sunday school.
Suddenly, it is Saturday night, my friend.
Yes, sir.
Let's hear more.
I had learned this new trick, and we were making out, and I touched your crotch.
So we get to school now Monday, and I'm excited, you know.
Oh, yeah, you're the damn Wayne Gretzky, brother.
I mean, you're the damn Wayne Gretzky of Young Leg.
Let's hear it.
And she had sent me a note saying we were moving too fast, and she broke up with me.
And I didn't grab another crutch for a few years because I was kind of like a PTSD from it, you know.
I thought every time I tried to make a move on anybody, they were going to break up with me.
Wow.
Man, well, I appreciate you sharing that, man.
I could understand that.
Yeah, look, that's very, look, something happens and it alarms you, and then you set off.
Let's hear more.
But that's my first crop story.
So, gang gang, I love y'all.
Gang gang, brother, and thank you for sharing your story with everybody.
And I mean that.
You know, it's brave to put a little bit of yourself out there, whether it's a piece of your past or a piece of your present.
And I applaud all of all the callers that do.
You know, I remember now, you know, I had erectile dysfunction for probably about 11 years.
And I still really, you know, I'll probably still at all times, I got to have a little bit of gas station, you know, some of those GSWPs, those gas station wiener pills in my system at all times to even really get out of bed in the morning.
I need two milligrams of something running through me.
And it, fuck, sorry if I was talking about Jesus.
Man, yeah, well, so you, I remember getting non-ererect and a lady, and then I tried to tell her like I was doing magic and I was like, ta-da.
And my dick still wasn't doing erection.
My wiener was still being soft, being, you know, real natural.
And she was disappointed.
And then I couldn't get over that for years.
Because really, I was just nervous.
I should have just said, hey, I'm just uncomfortable right now.
And it probably would have been cool.
But at the time, I was just young and I was nervous.
And there was broken glass.
And look, I can't get erect near broken glass, okay?
Yeah, my bad, right?
But I can't get erect near broken glass.
And I still can't.
Or if there's a car accident or something, dude, I ain't getting erect near a car accident.
Okay?
Yeah, my bad, ladies.
But yeah, those things really can give you a little bit of travesty.
But thank you for sharing, man.
Middle school's a little young to be learning that trick.
You know, first time I saw some breasts, I remember I was, well, they used to have, somebody had chiseled some tits into a nice birch that had been hit by lightning out near us in the woods.
And people used to go masturbate to that.
And, you know, and that's just the Lord working.
But this was, I was at summer camp and they had this girl, man, and she had red hair.
I'd never seen red hair.
I'd never seen it.
I'd seen, you know, different colors of hair.
Brown, blonde, black, white, but I'd never seen red hair and this girl had it, man, and she just looked so exotic to me.
And I saw another camp counselor looking at her breast one time, this dude, Joey, I think his name was.
Or, you know, Joey was actually a little more, this dude, Joey, what was his name?
He was my camp counselor, Joan.
He had a cousin, a nephew named Jonas.
Oh, man.
For some reason, I know them, and my brain is just skipping on their name.
But they was out.
I think he grew up out off of Leroy.
Anyway, but they Joey, I think, was looking at the lady's breast, the camp counselor.
And I was a camper.
And so I was like, oh, what's in there?
You know, and he kept looking in her shirt.
And they said, oh, titties are.
And so I wanted to look in, right?
So I looked in and I saw them, dude.
And I'd never seen titties, dude, except for my mom's, you know?
And I'd only sneakily seen them and seen them sometimes when I didn't want to, when my mom didn't think that we knew what titties were.
And she would almost, and sometimes she would just get out the bath and we would see them.
But what happened was, oh, I saw them and then I lied.
I said, I didn't see them.
And they were like, what?
And I was like, yeah, I didn't see them, you know.
So then they let me look again and I looked again and there and there they were again, still just milling around on this, on this, on this camp counselor's chest, you know, tits.
And then I said, oh, I remember I said I only saw one.
And that time they fucking said I was like a sicko.
And so then I kind of felt like something was wrong with me after that a little bit.
And I was afraid to see both breasts at once on a woman, even though I'd lied about it.
I was still like, I'll tell a lie about something and then also suffer the repercussions of my lie.
Isn't that crazy?
I'll be like, oh yeah, I only saw one tit, even though I saw both.
They'll call me a sicko.
Then I'll feel bad about lying.
And then I'll also think for years to come when I see tits that if I look at both of them at the same time, something bad's going to happen to me.
So Jesus Christ.
Let's hear another call that came in, but Sunday school slipping off from the Lord To do the devil's handiwork.
As always, the hotline is 985-664-9503.
Here we go.
This is a first crotch experience call.
Thank you for the call, brother.
Onward.
This is Sean O from Boulder City, Nevada.
Sean O from Boulder City, Nevada.
And I've never been over there, but, you know, it sounds beautiful, rolls right off your tongue.
Boulder City.
I was about 13 between 7th and 8th grade.
Oh, that's prime touching area, dude.
That's prime time to touch or be touched.
You're laying in bed at night and you can just hear other kids touching each other's crotches and it just burns you up.
Let's hear more, Brother Onward.
It was in Springfield, Missouri.
Oh, yeah.
That spring feel.
Go.
I met this chick at the swimming pool.
We go back to her place, you know.
Oh, yeah, and crotch always feels fresher when it's right out of the city pool, if you ever noticed that.
Or that summertime pool, or out of a bathing suit, crotch always feels fresher when it's fresh like that.
I'll quit interrupting you.
Onward.
We go back to her place, you know.
And to this point, I had only really seen late 70s, early 80s pornography.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry, I told you I wouldn't do that anymore, and I won't.
Let's hear the rest of your story.
Sorry, friend.
80s pornography.
So, you know, a lot of Bush back in those days.
And so for some reason, I thought the little the JJ was like an inch or two below the belly button.
I guess the hairline of the crotch.
And so.
Damn, damn, bro.
So you thought a woman was like one of those little gnomes, those little belly with the jewel in her belly.
Dang, man, that's very interesting.
I mean, you would be a very unique surgeon.
Onward?
I was, you know, searching around with the old index and the fingers.
Man, I was confused.
I didn't know what was going on.
I didn't know if I fucked around and got her maspedite or something.
You know, I was young.
But finally, the girl gave me a little assistance.
Help me go a little farther down south and got my FCE.
Never really talked to her again.
But yeah, that was my first crush experience.
Shout out to Springsville, Missouri and public swimming pools.
R.I.P.
Billy, come forward.
So we're going to keep your name in the streets.
Gang Gang.
Gang, bro.
And thank you for bringing him up, man.
I appreciate that, dude.
Yeah, I was looking at some, somebody sent me some pictures of him the other day, actually.
And I should put some of those onto this past weekend.
And then we had a shirt designed for him as well.
And so maybe we'll put that out.
But yeah, but remember that, dude, I remember something like that, touching, thinking I was, you know, I didn't know what that was.
Just kept pushing on some girl's midsection.
That's crazy, right?
Just massaging some girl's fupa or something.
Who knows?
I mean, it was wild when you were young.
I had a buddy, and he used to practice touching girls on his own b hole.
And at first, I'm like, that's crazy.
But then I'm like, I can't fault this guy.
At least this guy has a little bit of lay of the land.
I'm out here, you know.
You don't know what's going on.
Then I remember thinking that it was all a myth that girls didn't even have vaginas.
Because I remember laying down with this one girl up there off Million Dollar Road.
And that's when the pizza delivery guy had crashed and a lot of people had robbed him and shit.
But I didn't get involved in that.
I was back at the house, you know, trying to touch a little of that, you know, trying to just get involved in that womb tunnel.
You feel me?
Get a little into that womb.
And fuck, I don't know what I was talking about.
But anyway, man, thanks for your story, man.
Thank you for calling in, brother, for sharing that story.
Looking for an easy, affordable way to stock up for summer grilling, as well as a great gift?
Think Omaha Steaks.
Right now, Omaha Steaks is giving a limited time Father's Day gift offer to my listeners.
Go to Omahasteaks.com and enter code PAST in the search bar for 74% off the Father's Day Steak Fix gift package.
A $235 value now for only $59.99.
You want that meat?
Get that meat.
Order now and you get two tender filet mignons, two bold top sirloins, two savory pork chops, four Omaha steaks burgers, four massive gourmet jumbo francs,
four crispy chicken fried steaks, a packet of Omaha steak signature seasoning, four apple caramel tartlets for dessert, four premium chicken breasts, and some all-beef meatballs.
And you get four extra Omaha Steaks burgers for free.
And if you don't have heartburn after all that, then you don't have a heart.
Give this amazing package as a gift for dad or stock up for incredible summer grilling at 74% off.
Exclusive offer, Omaha Steaks Father's Day Steak Fix Package.
Valued at $235 for just $59.99.
Go to Omahasteaks.com and type code PAST into the search bar.
That's right.
Go to Omahastakes.com.
Type PAST in the search bar to get the Father's Day steak fix package today.
Today's episode is also brought to you by Hair Club.
Your confidence is important.
Sometimes one change can make all the difference.
Hair Club knows this, and they're inviting you to become part of their Hair Club family to see how getting the most out of your hair can change your life.
They understand the emotions you're feeling, and they know the questions you have.
Hair is wild, you know.
If you're a farmer, it's your real crop.
It's that front line.
It's your main crop, man.
It's your cotton.
It's your corn.
It's your soybeans.
It's on your head.
Hair Club is the leader in total hair solutions with a legacy of success for over 40 years.
Whether you're looking to revitalize the growth of your own hair or to learn more about the latest proven methods for hair replacement or restoration, Hair Club's professionally trained stylists, hair health experts, and consultants will craft a personalized solution to ensure you feel your best and get the most out of your hair.
See for yourself just how powerful great hair can be.
We all want to have good hair or at least a good mustache or something.
Chest hair, body hair, butt hair, back of your neck, back of your legs.
But I'm talking about the head hair.
And look, a lot of our listeners know I had part of my hair taken out of the back and put right on the top of my hair or in the front.
I got about 100 hairs from the back that are in the front.
So basically foster hair.
Foster hair care.
You got to take care of your hair, man.
Hair club, they know the solutions.
Go to hairclub.com slash Theo today for a free hair analysis and a free take-home hair kit, all valued at over $300.
That's hairclub.com slash Theo for a free hair analysis and free hair care kit.
Hairclub.com slash Theo.
Experience your hair and your life at its best.
Only with Hair Club.
I'm certain you'll love the club.
And my mother used to put a club on the car.
She had a Volkswagen rabbit, and that thing probably worth $1,100.
You could get into it through the bottom.
There was no, someone had, or water had rotted out the paneling under the rear passenger seat.
You could get into the car through the bottom of it.
And my mother would put a club on that thing.
Unbelievable.
We laugh at her so hard.
But thank you, mom, for getting me wherever I needed to be.
Let's take another crotch story.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, this is Joy from Maleska, Georgia.
Just calling in to give you my first crotch touch story.
Hey, Joy, thank you for calling in.
And you know, nothing brings joy to youngsters like touching one another.
And so it's just ironic that you called today.
And thank you for being a supporter.
And I'm excited to come over there to Georgia.
I'm excited to get into the South a little bit later this year on some tour dates, and I'm going to add some more.
And I want to find some VFW chapters where we can go and do some fundraising at some of those places.
But I got a lot to do.
Let's hear more.
Thank you for calling, Joy.
I didn't mean to make that about me for a second.
Let's go.
It's a long time ago because I'm actually older than you are.
Oh, look, crotch stories have no age, okay?
These things are timeless.
Let's go.
I do remember it vividly because it was the summer between I was 13 turning 14. And that was back in a time where, you know, little kids just rode their bikes everywhere and hung out outside and did everything all like that during the summertime.
And I remember there was probably about 10 of us hanging around on our little bikes, and we had gone to this little area back to back of the neighborhood.
Oh, yeah, the back of the neighborhood.
What goes on back there?
Nothing good and everything good.
Let's hear more.
and just throwing like some rocks in a creek and stuff.
These two boys pull up on their mopeds.
And back then, you know, I came from an area where...
We call them Frenchmen.
Let's hear more.
Two boys pull up on their mopeds.
And back then, you know, I came from an area where that was fancy stuff.
So the cute one actually looked at me and he was like, these boys are about 15. He looked at me and he was like, hey, you want to ride?
You want to try riding it?
And I'm like, oh, yeah, hell yeah.
Never been on a moped.
Jumped on the back, wrapped my arms around him, and we took off.
Forever young.
For ill.
Sorry, you just got me.
Do you want to ride in the back seat of a Getty?
You got me feeling all of this right now.
You know, it got me like a rocking ball.
Boots go and boogie.
You got me feeling the past suddenly all of a sudden.
Let's hear it.
On the back, wrapped my arms around him, and we took off.
Now, that's the first time I've ever felt something, you know, shaking in between my legs and stuff like that.
So already, and I've got these little cute little flimsy bike shorts on, but it was already feeling kind of crazy.
Plus, I got my arms around this cute boy.
Well, we hit a bump, and all of a sudden, this boy decides to just slide his hand, take it off one of the controls, slide his hand back behind his back, and just grab a hold of my crutch.
Now, at first, I was alarmed, but at the same time, it was one of the first times I'd ever had that feeling about, do I like this or do I not?
So, needless to say, I was squealing by the time we got off of that moped, and I guess the moral of the story is I did like it, whether I wanted to admit it at the time or not.
And mopeds are fun to ride at times.
So, anyway, that's my first crotch story.
Wow.
Wow.
Thank you for sharing that story.
It's like man, that crotch, boy.
That crotch is, it's like a day.
It's like...
You ever see...
you ever be in a neighborhood or something, you get to a certain age, and you realize, oh, there's a power plant, or there's like a power grid or area in our neighborhood.
Or you drive by that place for years, you don't know what it is.
Looks like some weird wiring, and there's fences outside.
Do not enter, do not enter.
And then one day, like, oh, that's electricity.
That shit, that's that, that place kills monkeys in commercials years ago.
And that now, that is the crotch.
That's that thing.
That's that electricity.
That's that hub.
That's that NASA.
I mean, it's all space.
It's all space.
And you got that NASA just north of your ASA.
You feel me?
That's that crotch.
And it's really remarkable.
It's really, really remarkable to hear that story of you on a moped, a French mode of transportation, and the boy reaches back.
I mean, what a power move there.
And also love how you're not like, oh, this guy molested me.
Nowadays, people lose all of their shit.
But the person who was involved in it, they see what's going on.
Oh, I made, you know, the guy, it seemed like it was just your experience, and that's what happened.
You could decide if you liked it or not.
You weren't sure.
It was just a moment where we kind of decide.
The guy didn't, you know, trap you or nothing like that or put you in a candle or anything like that.
It was just a regular afternoon.
And I bet sometimes you see a moped go by and you, I bet those feelings flare up for you.
And that's beautiful, man.
That's truly beautiful to imagine and just to reminisce and to think about that.
That's life.
That's life.
And I think it's nice to be able to share your story.
And also, yeah, it's funny because at those ages, things are happening and we're deciding if we like them or not.
Do I like this?
Am I okay with this?
Does this need to stop?
This needs to occur more.
What's going on here?
And that's sexuality.
That's how we develop some of our sexuality is by having experiences that are safe enough where we can still learn and make choices.
And I know some people that they have dark experiences, but I'm glad that we're sharing ones that are, you know, at least ones where we were all in a space where we could learn and have a moment of knowledge.
You know, I remember, man, I got so many stories about this now.
And I guess I'll tell them a different time because I want to get into more of an episode here.
But I remember, so we went to the dance when I was in school.
I was a school child.
I mean, I was a schoolboy.
A lot of people think I was always an adult, and that's insane.
That's insane.
And so I will, I remember we went to a dance and afterwards we went back to my buddy's house.
And one of the gals from the dance came back there with us.
And my buddy ended up touching her crotch.
And God, dude, I was so horny, bro.
Damn, I was horny, boy.
I was horny.
I mean, I was like a tri-hundred serotops, dude.
I was horny, bro.
Horny, horny.
I mean, I'm surprised poachers didn't show up and try to fuck me up because I was horny, boy.
And my, so, dude, my buddy was out, and they went off in the woods and they were being gentle with each other's bodies like that.
And so then her mom came and got her or whatever.
I think her mom was a cop or something.
She was out on a route or something doing police work.
And I lived in this kind of place.
And police sometimes would show up and just shoot a gun into the woods a couple times, just empty a, you know, just empty the clip right into the woods.
Because they figured if you out in the woods fucking around at night and you get shot, you probably deserved it, you know, if you in the dark woods.
So, but yeah, her mom came by.
I remember and took her.
And, you know, it was just the time her mom was going to come pick her up.
There was no issues or nothing.
And then afterwards, my buddy's out there.
And I remember just putting my, I mean, when they walked off in the woods, I remember putting my ear to the ground and just, I just wanted to hear as much of this touching as I could.
I wanted to just be as close to it as I could.
I was so jealous.
Anyway, they came back and my buddy, you know, everybody was all excited.
And that's when another kid's dad came out to the, we were standing around a bonfire out there.
Another fellow's dad came out there, the boy's house it was.
And he came out there and he ended up, and this is a little bit grotesque, is it, but it's also nature and animals do this all the time.
He ended up smelling my buddy's hand for about 15 minutes out there, my buddy's dad.
And this is my friend who just walked off into the woods and touched a gal's crotch for the first time.
And then my buddy's dad came out and just smelled my buddy's hand for probably, not 15 minutes, that's long, probably about nine minutes.
And we all just sat there and watched him just huff on this hand and just, and that's nature, boy.
And that's nature.
What else are we going to do today?
Oh, yeah.
We got Nick is going to come in and talk to us about the news a little bit.
And then we'll get back into a few more stories.
Yeah, but send in some submissions for the single dads.
We're going to do some single dads tickets for them for some shows that are sold out.
All those shows are sold out and save some tickets to surprise some guys.
Yeah, because I just can't imagine what that's like.
And I don't have that experience.
I didn't have a single dad.
But, I mean, I guess I did after my parents divorced.
But I didn't live with my father.
So I don't have that experience.
But I can only imagine that it's probably not that far different than having a single mother.
I'll say this: Nick is going to be in with us in just a second.
So hold on.
All right.
We got Nick is in studio.
How's it going, man?
It's going really good.
Just trying to get this studio in working order.
We're making it happen in the meantime.
Yeah, man.
I want to thank you too, D-Man, for just, you know, I know you guys are, I mean, I know we're all doing it, but yeah, there's a lot of space to fill here.
Yeah, yeah.
I saw we got a little refrigerator.
That's cool.
Yeah, some cold waters.
We're getting there piece by piece.
Yeah, if you had to say like on 100%, what percent are we at right now, you think?
Considering the most important function is being able to do the podcast, I'd say we're at 65%.
That's good.
I would agree with that.
And there's a lot of room for new opportunity.
So probably 10% is room for new opportunity.
Yeah, yeah.
And there's like a percent that's always going to be available because we're constantly evolving.
So you'll never be to 100%, ideally.
Wow.
I like it now.
I thought, look, you're right.
Yeah, the goal of 100% is almost kind of crazy, huh?
Yeah.
It's like, what are you going to do when you get there?
Just disappear into the ether?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Can't stop.
What are you going to do?
Just disappear through a wall like Joe Rogan does sometimes, according to Nick Swartzen.
You remember that?
Yeah.
He said he saw Joe Rogan eating ferret sashimi and then disappeared through a wall.
I don't imagine him disappearing.
I imagine him busting through it like the Kool-Aid.
That's true.
That's true.
Like extremely loudly disappearing.
Oh!
Oh, that would be so cool to watch, man.
And yeah, just new construction.
Joe Rogan's construction company would be so dope.
It just takes down walls.
Yeah, just taking down walls.
Nixon, help us with the news.
What's going on in the news?
Let's see.
First up, with the Toronto Raptors, one win from winning the NBA finals.
Point guard Kyle Lowry is making headlines on and off the court.
First, he was chasing after a loose ball.
You may have seen this.
Jumped into the stands and almost hit a lady.
She moved out of the way, but then a guy a couple seats over gave him this extra shove.
He was really upset about it at the time.
And it turned out after people looked into it that the guy who pushed him was Warriors minority owner Mark Stevens.
He's a venture capitalist and a part owner.
Rich guy.
Yeah, real rich guy, intental rich guy.
And he ended up, the NBA said he can't attend any more finals games, and he can't attend any more games until they complete an investigation, essentially until people stop talking about it, sounds like, and then he'll be back courtside.
And yeah, I don't know.
What are your thoughts on that?
Man, first of all, what about the game when he comes back?
Imagine how nervous and awkward that's going to be.
It's like whenever you got in trouble over something and then you had to go back to the place and it was always so uncomfortable.
You know, if he's a minority owner, I'd have to watch the tape again.
Like, I think if someone, if it's a reaction where like somebody bowls over somebody that's just sitting next to me, I could have a defensive reaction.
You know, I did see it a couple times.
At first, I didn't even notice what they were talking about.
I remember.
I was like, who's pushing?
I don't see that part.
But did it seem like more than that to you?
I just felt like it was unnecessary.
I kind of have a feeling the guy might have had a couple drinks and he was feeling loose in the front row.
But it's like, I just, nothing good come from it.
I don't know if you remember the malice at the palace, the Detroit, Ron Artes, Steven Jackson, that brawl in Detroit.
And it's because someone threw something on the court and then the players react and they're the ones that get suspended for the season or worse, you know?
Yeah, that's a good point.
Now, Kyle Lowry, if he reacts, he's the bad guy.
Yeah, it's like, I don't want to compare players to dogs, but if a child's needling a dog and the dog bites the kid, they put the dog down.
Right.
Yeah, that's a good point.
That's true.
Those players have a lot to lose, especially in close proximity, playing an intense game.
Also, a game where they've had a lot of trash talking.
You got Fat Drake over there, you know.
So sick of Drake.
Oh, dude, it's like, go play.
At least Master P fucking audition to be on the team.
Yeah, and show the road games.
Yeah, what are you doing?
Yeah, you're just making it as easy as possible.
So I think.
I will say I used to be a Drake fan, but I'm just kind of salty because I'm a pretty big Milwaukee Bucks fan, and he was just all over that series.
Was he?
Yeah, it was insufferable.
Yeah, I think Drake's just kind of, I mean, ever since, like, or even in his early work when he's like the toughest thing he ever went through, I think he borrowed his uncle's car and brought it back late or something.
And I was like, this isn't, there's no street credit here.
I think he's a good, he's kind of like a ballad singer more to me.
He's more like, I'm trying to think of somebody to compare him to from, he's turned into more like boys to men.
Yeah, yeah.
I agree.
I agree, which I was a boys to men fan, so I can't hate.
I agree.
I was a boys to men fan, but I think that series is real chippy.
I think if you're going to let people sit up by the front and drink alcohol, then they could do things they don't even think about.
Definitely the guys in the front row of those games, they feel sometimes like they are in the game.
And the game almost feels fictional when you're that close sometimes.
You're so used to watching it on television that when you're up close, it feels like even when I was at the MMA fights, I thought, fuck, I could probably jump in, you know?
I could do this.
Like, as long as I, you know, read the manual first, like other controls and know what X and R2 do and all of this, then I could get right in there.
Meanwhile, the truth is, if I'd have fucking gotten up there, nine guys would have beaten me from behind.
Before, if I would have got in the ring, two guys would have beaten me.
I think a lot of people have that thought, though.
I was a big entourage fan back in the day, and Ari Gold, he had courtside Laker seats, and he was like, he got yelled at for stepping down the court.
And he's like, I paid 30 grand for these seats.
I'll check in if I want to.
So it's the same thing.
I think people, you feel some entitlement, like you're part of it when you're paying that much and you're sitting up there.
Right.
Yeah, some entitlement.
I think you're right.
That's a good word for it.
So does it make, yeah, it doesn't make it right.
I think that the punishment will probably justify what happened.
I think it'll set some precedent.
But also, they run the risk.
There's a fine line between how close do you put people to the game?
They know there's, you know, in every half inch, there's an extra $10,000.
Straight up.
So it's like, there must be a lot of insurance and a lot of liability policy they have there.
What else we got, man?
One more thing.
Or did you have any other thoughts on it?
Just, I don't know.
Like I said, the player is the one that stands to lose.
So I don't like it.
It shouldn't be allowed.
And I'm glad they shut him down.
Now, would you love to see a separate game afterwards or a fight after where it's the minority owners fighting each other on court at halftime?
Let's do some real shit.
Yeah, yeah.
Make the owners play each other and then the players can be at the stands.
And I don't think they would react the same.
Yeah, I'd love to see some of these snarky little minority owners out there in their structure sweaters, you know, have the side piece hold the Banana Republic sweater that they're wearing, the V-neck, and let them get out there and beat each other at halftime.
Get a couple two J crews out there and have them go at it.
But this brings us to the next story.
TMZ reported that NBA teams are discussing, and two have already done it, they are getting rid of the term owner for majority stakeholders of the team.
Some people say because it's predominantly African-American players, there's some racial insensitivity with the term owner.
So what do you think about that?
I think that that's crazy.
We're going to rewrite the dictionary at some point.
I mean, I don't know, dude.
But it makes me uncomfortable when I see people own the people's rights to people on television.
So I guess some of that I could understand.
But if somebody's a business owner and I'm employed at the business, then just because they have the term owner, I also have the term employee.
I also have the term player.
I also have the term father or whatever your other terms are.
I'm a brother.
I'm a son.
I'm not just because somebody writes an article and says that you're still a slave or you're still a this, if you think that way, that's at a certain point, that's your own mentality.
I agree.
I think it's just ridiculous over correction that people are doing.
Players, like you said, they're employees.
They own the team.
Like you own this podcast.
I'm not offended if you would ever, you don't talk like that, but if you ever said I own this podcast, I don't think, take that as you own me.
Right.
But it's interesting.
I wonder if with certain people, would you use certain, would we use certain terms differently, you know?
I don't think so.
I don't think it matters.
I think at some point it's just people making clickbait and making trouble.
And a lot of times it's just lawyers.
They're like, oh, well, how can we find another way to let's sue this way?
Now let's sue this way.
Oh, let's sue this way.
Let's sue this way.
It's like it just never ends.
I agree.
Which raises insurance rates.
People wonder why insurance is so high because they allow lawyers to absolutely sue every single direction.
And all these lawyers that are like suing each other, they're buddies.
They're buddies.
And they're buddies with the judge.
And they're showing up for another day of work with their friends.
And it doesn't matter who's suing who.
They're getting a piece of it.
It's crazy, man.
And at a certain point, everything can only go until it goes.
And when it can't go anymore, it's just going to get pretty real, I think, sometimes.
It's alarming.
I hope so.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So next news story.
Organizers in Boston are planning a straight pride parade, tentatively scheduled for August 31st.
The organizers are still working to secure a permit from the city, but they just on Friday named former Breitbart editor and controversial figure Milo Yiannopoulos as the marshal for the event.
And he's a homosexual man, isn't he?
He is.
He is.
Who's always, no pun intended, prided himself on fighting for straight rights, ironically.
Right.
Yeah, I mean, I'm not surprised that they have people want a straight pride parade.
Everybody has their own group now.
I feel like if anything feels more under attack these days, it definitely feels like it's straight.
You know, even though a lot of times no one would write this article or something because, you know, a lot of the media companies seem to be in the same group, but I feel like if anybody seems under attack these days, or if, well, here's what I'll say.
I have no idea.
But to me, it does feel like straight men are under attack these days.
That make you seem like if you're straight, that there's something wrong with you.
That if you're straight, that you're also then anti-gay.
And that seems to be like a narrative that's sometimes out there that I don't like that much.
Also, it's kind of uncomfortable sometimes being a straight male.
A lot of men will hit on you.
And if you reject them in a way that even is kind or don't, then they will immediately call you homophobic, which is like, I'm not homophobic.
I just like women.
I'm not homosexual.
So that's cool if you are.
I might be homosexual one day.
You know, if I do enough cocaine, I could be a homosexual for a little while in a bathroom or something, maybe, but I don't have any intention of being full-time gay male.
Not this lifetime anyway, or not.
Maybe, I mean, who knows if when we're 40, you know, the sugars or whatever we've been eating, the riboflavins or the one of them morphs you out.
Next thing you know.
Aspartame.
Yeah, aspartame, dude.
And you out there trying to tame some ass.
I mean, it could easily happen.
We don't fucking know, bro.
People don't know the side effects of a donut stick, okay?
You think you lobbying in there every morning getting you that donut stick, and that thing doesn't have any side effects, boy.
Come on.
So, I'm not surprised that they want to have that, that they want to have a straight pride parade.
I'm not surprised.
I think it's okay.
Look, the cool thing about America is any group should be able to meet, and just because a group meets doesn't mean that it's against your own group.
Like, a lot of people say, Oh, if they're having a straight pride, that means that they hate gay or they hate this, or I don't think it means any of that.
Maybe it's just some dudes that want to fucking have a good time together.
I think it's kind of silly and like, I don't know, it's like attention-seeking behavior.
Yeah.
I mean, Chris Dahlia had a great, great tweet about it.
He said, straight pride parade.
Hey, guys, if you're in a parade, you're gay.
So, uh, which is a pretty solid point.
That's a good point.
Maybe it should just be the closeted men's parade.
What I don't like is if they got this guy, Milo Yiannopoulos, he seems to be polarizing.
Like, his whole thing is just to be polarizing.
I'm not saying I agree or disagree with any of his views.
I don't know even what his views are, but I think if you're going for somebody polarizing, then that makes it kind of crazy.
Like, delegitimizes it a little bit.
Yeah, it's like you're just trying to start trouble.
Now, if you'd have got Ric Flair or something or Dusty Rhodes out there, fuck.
Woo.
Yeah, it sounds like a party.
It sounds like a good time.
I mean, nobody wore a beautiful woman's robe like Mr. Ric Flair.
Bottom line.
He's kind of a bucket list guest for me for this past weekend.
Oh, man.
I'd love to have him.
Who else, while you're in here, man?
Who else would you like to get?
I've been saying it from mountaintops.
I want Norm McDonald in here.
I think you two together would be just incredibly.
What's your buddy Adam Egot doing?
You know what?
That's a great question.
Adam owes me.
Oh, my God.
He just texted me.
Seriously?
Yeah.
Norm or Adam.
Adam.
Who else do I want?
So funny.
We just talked about him.
I would love Conor McGregor.
I mean, that's kind of pie in the sky.
He doesn't do a ton of media appearances.
Yeah, I feel like he hates me for some reason, even though I don't even know him.
Do you ever get that feeling about Conor McGregor?
Like he hates you even though you don't know him?
I think we'd be buds, I'm pretty sure.
I don't know.
We also fucking bought the Connor McGregor look-alike kit as well, dude.
Weren't you Conor McGregor for Halloween as well?
Yeah, a couple years ago.
It was way too early.
No one knew the fuck he was.
Yeah, dude.
You were just kind of like a...
You're like a real thin lumberjack.
Irish lumberjack.
Any other news?
Just a couple like kind of fun stories.
Semi-fun.
A Texas hiker was found alive after missing for over a week.
That's Texas, man.
Loving place.
People get taken care of.
Not surprised, man.
Yeah, survived even without the water.
14 lions escaped from a South African national park.
Let them loose, dude.
Let them look.
I'm sure they'll find room for them to live out here in California.
You know?
I'm sure.
Let them loose on the streets out here in California.
Bring them in.
Are they rapists?
Can they read?
Can they write?
Are they addicted to drugs?
Who cares?
Get them over here.
I'm sure we can use them.
It's going to get like that on the streets soon.
People are like, free the animals from the zoos.
They can't be caged up.
Anybody can live.
Dr. Drew said the other day that the black plague is forming.
Did you read that?
He's been talking about.
Botch or whatever it is, bubonic plague.
Yeah, I think that was it.
You're right.
You're right.
He's like, yeah, it's downtown.
Is that what the smell of human urine is?
That's a 35-minute Uber ride from here.
We're 35 minutes in an Uber from the bubonic plague.
Different times.
Thank you very much.
You can follow him, Real Nick Davis.
You have a podcast too, Nick.
What is your podcast?
Oh, that's awesome of you.
I'm embarrassed to say it sometimes.
Me too.
It's only taken me about 150 episodes to bring it up.
Me and a couple buddies who work for the Adam Carolla show, we recap the show The Bachelor every week.
Okay.
And the show is called Another Bachelor Podcast.
Another Bachelor Podcast.
So if you like Bachelor and Botulism, which is headed soon to Los Angeles, then you can check out The Bachelor, and it's every week.
Yep, every we try to get it out by Thursday.
The episodes are Monday.
Cool.
Yeah.
Yeah, Another Bachelor podcast.
You can check it out.
I will say very quickly, my favorite compliment we get, people who don't even watch The Bachelor tell us they listen and they enjoy it.
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
If you look at our iTunes reviews, because our whole thing, it's just a vehicle for comedy.
It's got a built-in audience.
I try to talk about the show as little as possible when we record the podcast.
Oh, nice.
Dude, it's an interesting show.
I mean, David Spade kind of has got me into it recently because he always reviews it and he likes looking at the chicks on there.
So if you follow his Instagram story, he's always just like harping on it.
He's scouting is what he's doing.
He is scouting.
I'm glad you noticed that.
All right, we got a couple more calls that came in here at the hotline, 985-664-9503.
Thank you guys for putting up with me on this episode and just always on this podcast.
You know, I don't know what I'm doing sometimes.
And, you know, it's weird.
It's like sometimes I come in here and, you know, I want to, you know, like I'm scared of like, oh, I'm going to say something.
They're not going to like me.
Or I'm going to, you know, and I try to keep those kind of thoughts out of my head and just be myself if I can.
But sometimes it's hard, you know, and I just get, sometimes I just get scared.
I'm like, what do I talk about?
I don't know what to do.
And you know what I do a lot of times when I get like that?
I just go.
I just go.
I just go and just keep going.
You know, I'm not going to do it right.
I'm not going to make everybody happy.
I'm not a, you know, I'm not going to make myself happy fuck half the time.
Jesus.
I mean, if I was a happy person, if I was, you know, happy, joyous, and free, if I was, I don't even know if I'd have this podcast, you know, I don't know.
But I just want to just thank you guys for putting up with me no matter who I am.
And as I learn about who I am, you know, it's funny.
It's like, it really teaches me a lot about support and about unconditional support.
and I hope that I can do the same for you, you know, whenever we have opportunities to do that in person or to do that over the over the phone lines or whatever.
But I just want to thank you for just being supportive of me no matter who I am sometimes.
Because I didn't know that that's really what support is.
Support sometimes is being there for someone to eat no matter who they are.
You know, they don't do what you want or they don't behave.
So then what are you going to do?
You're just going to, you know, do we abandon people then?
You know?
And you guys don't do that.
Or, you know, people don't do that for me.
And so I just want to say thank you.
Some great stories, some great calls.
Let's take another call here.
Here we go.
This was about feeling guilty about things we spend money on.
We talked about it last week a little bit.
Hey, Theo.
Your last episode, you talked about your friend spending that 5G to take herself on a vacation and how we all kind of feel weird when we spend money on ourselves instead of savings.
I know for me, I have a good job.
I make good money and I'm able to save.
But I've noticed that I've strained a lot in relationships and I've missed out on a lot of opportunities in life to enjoy myself just because I was so focused on that financial saving.
And you know what?
I don't want to spend that money.
I'd rather just save it.
Isn't that interesting?
You know, it's so funny.
I didn't really realize it until my friend brought it up.
And she's one of my closest and dearest friends.
And when she brought that up, I was like, wow, yeah.
It feels weird doing something special for yourself that isn't like what the norm says we need to do with our money.
That isn't what the, you know, the, oh, you got to do this and you got to get that and you got to do that.
Onward.
I've missed out on a lot of things in my life.
I've also noticed that it's going to stop me from being as happy as I could be.
I'm trying to work on that, trying to find that middleman.
You know, prepare for the future, but also experience life, enjoy life.
Go out, do things.
People you care about.
So just wanted to see if you had anything you could kind of talk about to see where's that middle ground.
Appreciate what you do.
Love the time, Cam.
Thank you, brother.
Thank you for the call.
You know, I don't know.
As you're talking, I'm even thinking like, man, how scary it is to be in a place of uncertainty.
How scary it is to think, oh, well, I don't know what's going to happen.
And we used to live a little bit there more.
Now we have so many, you know, everybody has a calendar and everybody has like a planner and a text and you know when the person's arriving, you know when they're going to get there.
And there used to be this thing of, I don't know.
That's why it was easier then, I think, to have faith in a higher power of any kind or faith just in anything.
There was more mystery in the air.
I don't know what's going to happen.
But yeah, it's wild when you do something different.
You know, there was a piece of art that I almost bought in South Africa a few years ago, and it wasn't very expensive.
You know, it was, I think, maybe $350.
And I know that's expensive, but it was beautiful.
Instead, I bought this other piece of art for $200.
And I didn't like the other piece of art.
I didn't even like it.
And there probably isn't a week that goes by that I don't think about that beautiful painting in South Africa that I could have bought for $350.
And man, I just didn't want to spend that extra $150.
Why?
Well, because I need that money for this or for something or some mutual fund or some shit or some, I need to be able to tell my friend across the table when we're having dinner that, oh, I got a new IRA or I got the.
Why?
Because somebody said that's what I need to do.
There's definitely a way to plan ahead, but to be not focused on the end, I think.
And somehow, a lot of these advertisers and stuff, they have us focused on the end.
And then we get there and we're like, damn.
Oh, yeah, I'm all prepared for the end.
I got money for this hospice.
I got money for this, but I knew every step of the way.
I didn't take a risk.
I didn't take a chance.
I didn't, you know, and I don't have an answer, you know, because I do it myself.
I play it safe a lot.
The only thing I haven't played it safe with was my career.
But I play it safe a lot.
So I don't know.
It's a good question, man.
You know, I don't know.
You know, and there's no right way to do life.
There's no, we don't know what we're doing.
And, you know, that's something I heard recently somebody say, man, I hope I'm always a student.
And that's where, you know, I want to try and stay is in the space of being always a student if I can.
And I know when I start to get in my own ego and my own will, I can really feel when I start thinking, I know.
It's, oh, I hate it, man.
I get so sick of myself sometimes.
You know, when we were talking last week about relying on others and that's and then, or about I don't like working with other people.
But then sometimes I also don't like working with myself.
You know, and life is a middle ground.
You know, you're asking me, what's the middle ground?
I don't know, but man, I bet it's a beautiful place.
Yeah.
So I just want to thank you guys for being a part of the episode.
I'll see some of you this week in Portland and Seattle and Vancouver and Boise.
and yeah, I'm just thinking like how do we be brave enough to make choices that might be different to not know what that outcome is to tell a truth that we're afraid is gonna expose us for who we are It's scary It's really scary manners I
mean it's a game of thrones It's a game of thrones out here But because we're all the characters And we're the castles and we're the dark corridors and we're the You know so it just It's amazing man We're all of it sometimes Where the hell is Westeros anyway?
Is it in Italy, I'm guessing I gotta I gotta peep some of that out No, maybe Newfoundland?
I don't know I've never even fucking heard of it the more I think about it What I'll say is this man, let's convene next time.
I want to thank everybody that called in with these magical stories from their youth and again we'll leave out here on this song.
Yeah, I'm going to think a little bit more.
I realize that when it comes to dealing with other people, I talked about this last week.
I don't like to rely on others.
That was the word that I finally found this week, relying.
I don't like to rely on somebody else.
It scares me at the roots of my radish.
This song is Jameson Flood.
Every night I lie awake.
I feel like a fake.
I put on a show.
Yes, it's just life.
We're here.
Thank you guys.
Be good to yourselves.
And I'm going to try to be good to myself.
And thank you for all the warm messages I get from a lot of people when I'm not really doing well.
And, you know, sometimes there's been just a lot of letters and stuff I get when I'm traveling.
I never read them.
And it's not that I don't want you to think that I don't care.
Some of them I feel like they're just, you know, it's to me.
And so I don't know if that's okay to share at a group level.
And then some of them, some of them are insane.
Some of them are cut together with newspaper clippings and shit.
I'm like, this is, this could be, this could be a murderer.
But this is Jameson Flood, Every Night.
Every night I lie.
Every night I lie awake.
Every night I feel like a fake.
But on a show, knowing nobody will go.
Every night you sleep.
Every night I don't play a beat.
Steal your things that you know, but you still don't want me.
Let it miss me.
Yeah, it was me alone.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
It was me alone.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
I got you you Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Aye, Sweet.
Here's a deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John Main.
Hi, I'll take a quarter pot of cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
