Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ Chris D’Elia has the honor of being the first guest in the new This Past Weekend studio. Chris and Theo talk about Chris’s beef with Albuquerque, the future of Chris’s career, and exchange stories about how they met. Chris D’Elia https://instagram.com/chrisdelia This episode brought to you by… MeUndies Visit https://meundies.com/weekend to receive free shipping and 15% you first pair Omaha Steaks Visit https://omahasteaks.com/PAST to receive $235 worth of meet for only $59.99 Skillshare https://skillshare.com/theovon to try 2 months of Skillshare free Ridge https://ridgewallet.com/TPW Use code “Hitter” for 10% off Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis Music “Shine” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/MakinIt_BishopGunn Gunt Squad www.patreon.com/theovon Name Aaron Jones Aaron Rasche Aaron Wayne Anselmi Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alexa harvey Allison Jones Andrea Gagliani Andrew Valish Angelo Raygun Anthony Holcombe Anthony Schultz Arielle Nicole Ashley Konicki Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Bad Boi Benny Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Herron Benjamin Streit Bobby Hogan Brad Moody Brandon Hoffman Brandon Kirkman Bubba Hodge Carla Huffman Casey Roberts Charles Herbst Christian Coyne Christina Christopher Stath Cody Cummings Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh COREY ASHMORE Crystal Dakota Montano Dan Draper Dan Perdue Daniel Chase Danielle Fitzgerald Danny Crook Danny Gill David Christopher David Smith Diana Morton Dionne Enoch Donald blackwell Doug C Drew Munoz Dusty Baker Faye Dvorchak Felicity Black Ginger Levesque Grant Stonex Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia J.P. Jacob Rice Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter Jameson Flood Jason Price Jeffrey Lusero Jenna Sunde Jeremy Johnson Jeremy Siddens Jeremy Weiner Jim Floyd Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joel Henson Joey Piemonte John Kutch Johnathan Jensen Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan R Josh Cowger Josh Nemeyer Justin Doerr Justin L justin marcoux Kaitlin Mak Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kiera Parr Kirk Cahill kristen rogers Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Laszlo Csekey Lauren Williams Lawrence Abinosa Leighton Fields Madeline Garland Mandy Picke'l Marisa Bruno Matt Kaman Meaghan Lewis Meghan LaCasse Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mike Poe Mona McCune Nick Butcher Nick Lindenmayer Nick Roma Nick Rosing Nikolas Koob Noah Bissell OK Passenger Shaming PF24 Gang Gang Qie Jenkins Rachael Edwards Rachel Warburton Randal Ranger Rick Robert Mitchell Robyn Tatu Rohail Ryan Hawkins Ryan Walsh Sarah Anderson Scoot B. Scott Wilson Sean Scott Season Vaughan Secka Kauz Shane Pacheco Shannon potts Shona MacArthur Suzanne O'Reilly Theo Wren Thomas Adair Thomas Hunsell II Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tommy Frederick Travis Simpson Tugzy Mills Tyler Harrington (TJ) Victor Montano Victor S Johnson II Vince Gonsalves William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Some people say he's an arch rival, a nemesis or anemesis, they say.
Some people say that he is a myth.
But do myths show up in the form of man?
I don't know.
I don't even know what I'm talking about.
But I'll say this for 150% that we have a young man in today, fresh off this documentary about his shoulders that's popping off.
You know, we have a cult leader.
We have a film, television, Instagram, Vine star, Phenom.
This guy is the, I mean, he's the Will Smith of Vine.
This guy is a haberdasher with his new babies line.
This guy is the new Warren Jeffs to a lot of people.
He's a comedian.
He's a podcaster.
I'm getting tired of introducing him.
Ladies and gentlemen, from the congratulations pod, which I recommend you listen to if you want to get really dented, Mr. Chris Dalia.
Oh, yeah.
Are you bigger there than you are in America?
I think I might be an Australian comedian.
Are you, what's his name?
Arch Barker?
I know, yeah.
Arch Barker sounds also like someone vomited, I feel like.
The name?
Yeah.
Just saying Arch Barker.
One time I was in Montreal and I was like coming up and I felt like all people were starting to know my name.
And Arch Barker came down to the lobby and he was like, are you my driver?
No.
Yeah.
And I was like, ah, okay.
All right.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm on New Faces.
Yeah.
I was like, no, this wasn't even, this was after that.
I had like a fucking, and I was like, nah, I'm a comedian.
And I laughed and he was like, oh, shit, okay.
And then, and then the next, like two years later, I saw Arch Barker.
He was at Starbucks and he saw me.
He was like, hey, hey, Chris.
And I was like, redemption.
Got to drive.
Yeah.
Sorry, I'm parallel parked out front.
Dude, you look big.
You look older.
You look.
I know.
You look different.
I feel like.
Are you doing anything different?
So what are you doing?
I got it.
What are you doing to kind of take care of yourself?
Well, I work out a lot.
You do?
Yeah.
Because I get bored on the road.
But then also, I just was like, I want to do action movies.
Yeah.
Like, like, so like, I'm like, if I'm going to do that, I have to actually do actual work.
You have to look the part.
Yeah.
So I started working out really fucking hard.
Are you doing unique types of training?
Because you seem like somebody that doesn't do, I see you in some of your videos.
I see you.
You know, I know that they had this shoulder documentary thing that people were, you know, that they're pitching and stuff.
And I know the shoulders are outside right now.
No, the guy, the crew.
Oh, they are?
I try to speed away, but they're fucking good drivers.
Yeah.
Oh, that's crazy, man.
Well, it's a traparazzi, too.
They're trying to get pictures of people's tracks.
Right.
And, but are you doing any like a unique training?
I see you doing like American Ninja Warriors stuff.
When I think of you and get jealous a little, some of the jealous thoughts I have are of you swinging off.
The thoughts of me, the jealous thoughts of me are all about me being active.
I like that a lot.
Yeah.
Now they are since you told me you wanted to be an action hero.
Right.
So you've had those jealous thoughts for about 35 seconds.
Yeah.
No, I've had them for about six or seven years.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Yeah, I don't know, man.
Like, I get, like, this, first of all, like, the movies that I am being considered for are like, movies, TV are, like, all, like, comedy, silly.
You know, I'm either a young dad or I'm like, I've just done, they're only going to offer you stuff that you've kind of already done.
Right.
Because they can see you doing that.
You know what I'm saying?
Is that nearsighted by the industry?
Well, it's just safe, you know?
And I don't blame them because they know, you know, take an action movie star.
You're going to get offered action movie stuff.
They're not going to, you know, it might be a little bit out of the box to be like, well, can he do a romantic comedy?
I don't know.
Let's see him do it.
Let's see him act.
Let's see him audition or whatever.
Like, will people believe it?
Yeah, exactly.
So for me, but I don't want to do this stuff.
Like, if I'm going to do a comedy, the best comedy for us that we're going to do is our stand-up.
Right.
Because it's exactly what we're going to do.
Right.
You know?
Yeah, it is interesting.
You start thinking, someone's like, well, I got to fit in in this role in a sketch or in a series.
You're like, oh, well, I'm already doing my whole series.
I know.
In a show.
And you're also, if you're going to do a movie or a TV show, you're going to take a pay cut because you make more money doing stand-up.
So if I'm going to take a pay cut, I want to do some shit I want to do.
And to me, it would be awesome to do action or something hilarious like that.
I could see you doing in like a Deadpool, but sort of like in maybe like right outside of like, I don't want to say Oklahoma City, but maybe like Missouri.
I could do a dead, like Deadpool.
Kansas City.
Kansas City.
Like how they do the CSI in all the different areas, but they do one for, they do the Deadpool, Deadpool, Kansas City.
Yeah, I think.
I mean, I don't know.
I could see you also being a really unique villain in a dark city, like a Gotham.
Yeah.
I definitely have the eyebrows for that.
Yeah.
But also, I think what you're saying, I look different because I got a little gray in the last year.
Oh, is that what it is?
I think so.
You do seem older or more confident, maybe, to me.
You've always seemed confident, though, so you couldn't seem more confident than you have.
Do you ever grow this out?
No.
Because you probably have some gray, huh?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I get gray.
It's very scary.
I have gray chest hair, too.
Oh, wow.
And somebody saw it the other day on a video, and it was like 70 people said something.
First, it hurt my feelings, then it reminded me of my grandfather.
Well, and that's kind of not bittersweet.
But also, to have 70 people talking about your fucking gray chest hair, that means you made it.
Yeah.
If you have 70 people talking about your gray chest hair, you made it.
Yeah.
But we're the same age.
No, you are a couple months younger than me.
I'm 39. But we would say same age in life.
You wouldn't be like, no, I'm a few months older than you because that would be so weird.
That's true.
Yeah.
Like, we're both 39. You wouldn't be like, no, we're not the same age.
My birthday's first.
Well, tell them how old you really are.
Just a couple days earlier.
Yeah.
Oh, that's like asking.
If somebody told me, by the way, we lie, you're 45, I'd be like, that makes a lot of sense.
You know?
Like, your family surprised you at dinner.
You could be 50. You could be 50. No.
No?
What do you think?
Your real age.
What's your real age, bro?
Come on.
Like, I'm not talking about, I know your real age is 33. I think I'm running under.
I think I'm running.
You think that's your brain or your body, though?
Both?
Ooh, I don't know.
Maybe your brain.
That's what I'm saying.
If somebody told me, by the way, you're 43, I'd be like, you know what I would be like?
You know that meme, that webay meme in The Wire where he's like, oh.
Oh.
That's what I would do.
That's the fucking, dude.
If my dad was like, we lied to you, you were born in 1976.
I would be like, I would be like, okay.
Now it makes sense.
I'm glad you lied.
I would actually be happy that my parents lied.
Would you be upset at them or no?
Really, though, if they're like Chris 43. If they had a good reason, if they were like, yo, the reason is because we didn't want you to feel like if in case we wanted you to feel like everything you got in life, you got it, you know, not too old.
You know what I'm saying?
Because like I'm right now, I'm 39 and I feel very accomplished for a 39-year-old.
But for a 45-year-old, I feel accomplished, but not very accomplished.
What is the next?
What's that next level?
You think owning a tank?
Nah, well, I'll tell you what, dude.
If I had...
I could see you getting tanked.
If I had like...
But first of all, you can't keep a tank in LA, right?
So not only do you need the money for the tank, you need the money to transport the tank or to wherever.
Okay, you have to get the tank.
You have to get it airlifted in.
I would say I would keep, you know, you could probably keep it.
You could probably keep it somewhere fucking shitty, like Albuquerque.
You could probably keep it in Albuquerque.
Yeah.
They would actually probably love it if I kept a tank there.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Yeah, you'd have to, yeah, they'd be like, oh, Chris Lee keeps a tank here.
Yeah, you know, Albuquerque, Albuquerque would literally be like, you know, Albuquerque is great because we have, you know, whatever the crops they have.
And then also Chris Lee keeps his tank here.
Yeah, spices.
They have spices, I think.
Yeah, they probably do because it's close.
Unique peppers.
Oh, I remember on the news, that lady got mad at you on the news in Mexico or wherever.
Yep.
Yep.
And you made the news, bro.
Did that blow your mind away?
So, yeah, that was like one of the fucking like, you know what is cool about like a career is like all the stuff that you do like in the career, like you're like, okay, I want to do a stand-up special.
And that's all the best shit.
I want to be on a TV show.
I want to fucking, you know, and I did all that.
I did the, you know, Undatable.
I did Whitney.
I did the specials come out every few years.
And it's like Rose too.
I remember the roast.
You know, the things like that.
You're like, you know what?
These are the goals.
These are the things that I want to do.
And not that they're expected, but you expect them to happen if you work very hard, right?
Like the things like that, though, or like the things that come up, like, you know, the M ⁇ M thing, you know, like that shit and the Albuquerque News, that shit is the shit that's like, wow, really, really special and really funny because you don't expect it to happen, but it's like the perks.
Yeah, yeah, they got fucking, they blasted me, and then I talked about it again, and then I made another segment.
Yeah, they did it twice.
And did they because it seemed like some people came to your defense, but did they, uh, did you guys reconcile it at a certain point or no?
No.
Damn.
So you would say you have active beef with yeah, I will, I have active beef with Albuquerque, and I'll tell you what, I'll never squash that beef.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll never squash that beef until I'm 46 in a year.
Yeah, but I'm 39. Let's not actually make people actually thinking because they just tuned in that I am 36. 46. No, but yeah, and I actually may be spending a fucking quite some time in Albuquerque soon.
Yeah.
Because I'm being serious.
Yeah, I might be actually shooting a movie in Albuquerque.
And is it hilarious?
Somebody, now, this is a rumor that I also heard that it's Breaking Bad the movie.
Yeah, it's Breaking Bad the Movie.
No, they are doing Breaking Bad the Movie, but it's not that.
It's not that.
No, I'm not going to be in that.
So far, I'm not going to be in that.
I promise it's not that, yeah.
Do you, are you a legit, are you someone who promises we can trust or not trust?
You can promise.
If I tell you what, I have never, I have never, my track record is, I have never lied about Breaking Bad so far.
Wow.
And I'll keep that up.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's nice you guys have a fucking plant here, by the way.
This is hilarious.
This is rock bottom.
No, but it's cool because I think I did one of the first episodes of your old studio, and this is the first one.
This is the first one.
I love the new one, yeah.
It's crazy, man.
Yeah, so we're out here.
You're going to do like a wall?
I don't know what we're going to do.
You know, the guy who did the cartoons, though, of all the different podcast people?
We're thinking about getting that all around the wall.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Oh, in there.
Yeah, that'd be awesome.
But nobody would see that, right?
Right.
It would just be for when people came in.
We're going to get like a pickpocket table maybe in there.
Cool.
Like some places where.
It's crazy, though.
This is now fucking also so far for me.
Like you guys only have, like, get a place in the fucking place.
You know what I mean?
Oh, yeah.
Where you're in the thick of it, but you're not.
You're in the thick of it when we do stand-up and all that shit.
You're in the comedy store, and then your fucking, his first shit was in Marina Del Rey or wherever the fuck it was.
And then the next shit is all the way over fucking here.
I don't even know where we are.
Yeah.
There's golf near here.
I know that.
Incino?
There was a golf course near here, yeah.
I don't want to say the exact location, you know.
And they caught a serial killer not far from here, too.
And Pauly Shore did a movie here.
That's right.
He did.
No, no, but Encino is actually.
This is Incino.
Is this actually the movie?
This is where he did.
This movie was.
This is where it was?
This is where they shot it, yeah.
Wow.
Pretty cool.
Encino man.
Wow.
Yeah, dude.
And also, you get to also work on the mic because Gianni Paolo, our former guest from last week, is here.
And so he's now back.
On the Instagram, I said, oh, you guys got Gianni Paolo?
I laughed at it.
Well, you had to laugh, Gianni.
So you're still working here.
Wow, you guys got good shoes too, though, the two of you.
What's up?
You've been wearing those shoes.
They do.
Yeah, I don't know.
It wears K-Swiss.
Yeah.
You've been wearing those shoes.
I don't do a lot of fancy footwear.
Yeah, but that's where you could really spice it up.
But you spice it up in other ways.
Like you got the Houston jersey on.
And a goatee.
Somebody made me this rat king on.
Oh, wow.
That's really cool.
That's fucking awesome.
Yeah.
You can't really wear crazy shoes if you have a go.
And I do the goatee.
Would you ever do goatee?
No, never in my life.
I would never do it.
Come on.
You know that.
So don't even disrespect me by asking me that question.
Yeah.
You know what?
You know what?
That question, if I was in a different mood, could start a fucking war.
Yeah.
No, but it's not because, you know, we love each other.
But like that, I would never have a goatee.
And you know it.
I would look horrible in a goatee.
No, you wouldn't.
I would.
And that's what I used to think.
And I'm not sure.
No, you look.
It fits you.
Well, you got a fucking mullet, too, though.
Yeah.
Well, it's like long hair.
I mean, your hair is almost a mullet if you cut the sides.
I mean, the only difference between you and me is a little bit of this.
Yeah, it would be a mullet.
If I cut the sides.
But here's, you could do, I almost see you being one of those guys who does very, your sideburn's a half inch away from doing magic.
You know that.
Yeah, I definitely know.
I do know that.
You're not telling me anything I don't know about that.
You know that, probably.
Yeah, yeah.
As a matter of fact, I got to tell you, dude, I try to shorten it up and I got the fucking thing and I try to make it shorter and shorter.
And I just, I always think, I always think when I do it, I did it fucking two days ago.
I think, there we go.
It's shorter.
And then out in the day, I'm like driving.
I see myself in the thing.
I'm like, it still looks like a fucking goddamn, you know, almost a magician.
I don't like that.
Yeah.
But I'll never, you know, it's just like, you just got to shake hands with who you are sometimes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I'm almost a magician.
What are some things about you if you had to change something, honestly, you had to change something about Chris Dalia?
You're like, oh, this has to go.
Calf power?
Calf power.
I would have calf power.
Yeah.
You have any?
Yeah, no, I have no calf power.
Oh my God.
I have no calf power.
Any.
You don't have any?
No, dude.
If I even look up for a high book on a shelf, I fucking get it.
Yeah, you're tired, right?
You got to get a water.
Dude, dude, I have no calf power and I love working out.
And when it comes to calf, I just, I just go, you know what?
Fucking, I guess forget it, dude.
You just leave at the end and don't do them.
Yeah, I don't.
I don't.
I save them for the end and then I don't do them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I end up working out early.
Dude, my mom, my mom would always be like, when I was a kid, she would, this is the same kind of shit.
She would be like, what kind of homework do you have?
And I would be like, oh, I got English.
I got math.
I got fucking social studies.
I got this.
And she'd be like, okay, cool.
And then like three, and then like five o'clock would roll around.
And she'd be like, you should get started on your homework.
And I'd be like, you know what?
I fucking talked to my kid.
The math thing isn't due until fucking Tuesday, so I don't have to do that tonight.
And then turns out social studies was a lot less than I thought it was.
And she'd be like, oh, really?
I'd be like, yeah, okay.
And then nine o'clock and she'd be like, did you do your homework?
I'd be like, no, but it's actually okay.
And she'd be like, what?
And I just would never do my homework.
That's what Cafe says.
This is like, I would never do.
Dude, I fucking wish I did.
That's so true.
I tell you what, man.
I can really wish.
You did this shit.
Dude, I tell you what.
I wish, you know how they always say, like, kids, do your homework, stay in school.
I wish I didn't do more homework.
I wish I did less homework.
Really?
Yeah, dude.
We do dick jokes.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I don't need to know about fucking imaginary numbers.
I don't have to do any of that work.
Dude, when I did math, okay, when I was in math and I was not doing well in math.
Where'd you sit in the classroom?
The back until they made me sit in the front.
You sat in the back.
They made me sit in the front.
Oh, that's.
Because they were like, yeah.
There was always that kid that they moved through.
Like, you thought the back was the worst until you got to the front.
It was like they lapped you with the front.
You could sit in the front and be like, oh, the back is the shit.
And they're like, no, no, no, no.
Get back in the front.
I'm like, these motherfuckers, I'm lapping these people.
That's how bad I am.
But then, didn't all your friends in the back look so dumb then once you got to the front, you looked back and you're like, oh, those kids are dumb.
They did.
They did.
Yeah.
And you were even dumber, but they could only see your back, so it's okay.
They can see your face.
Yeah, so I would do math and then I got like to imaginary numbers.
And I was like, if you're just going to make this shit up from now on, I'll fail and I don't give a shit.
You know what I mean?
Like, fucking go fuck your, where's the camera?
Go fuck yourself with your imaginary numbers.
Yeah, and that's common core, man.
When I was growing up, they had, yeah, it got all kind of crazy.
Carry the one.
I'm like, oh, this shit, it sounds like a fire hazard.
Like, things got real vague, and things were, it sounded like somebody's getting abducted.
Remember that?
Carry the one?
I'm like, I'm out of here.
Yeah, I'm not into that.
Yeah, I'm like in the middle of that.
I go single digits.
And if you want, I could go a little bit of double digits and then that's it, dude.
When you get into hundreds and carrying shit and exponents, right?
Fuck out of here.
I'm out of here.
What am I a scientist?
Yeah, what am I a fucking burn victim, dude?
You think I want to know how all these chemicals work?
I'm just like, dude, you want me to do this?
I'm like, Chernobyl exploded anyway.
And I don't have anything.
Like, you got guys who do that shit.
Me?
Fuck out of here, dude.
That's true.
What are we going to do with that information, man?
Dude, remember learning about how like a neighborhood worked?
Remember that?
Where the postman should go in the neighborhood to be the most effective?
So we, yeah, so we never learned that.
My town.
We never learned that.
And I don't think that that's a class, but you maybe learned that.
That would be amazing if there was a class on how a neighborhood worked.
know what, dude?
There should be a fucking class on how These should be the classes.
Okay.
For real.
Okay.
Let me know.
Fuck math get out.
English a little bit up to like fourth grade.
Yeah.
And then high school, no, you don't need English in high school.
You don't need English in high school.
Yeah, if you're, here's the thing.
If you don't know English, how do you even get to?
If you're in eighth grade and you don't know how to talk, you have to join the army, basically, right?
Because like, you know, and you're frontline.
You understand?
You're not the guy in the back.
By the way, army, that's opposite of a class here.
Yeah, it's opposite.
Yeah, you're dumb as fuck.
You're in the front, you know?
They're all the laughed motherfuckers.
They're catching bullets.
So yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
They teach you how to catch bullets with your heart.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.
Or a head.
Head or a heart.
Johnny caught it in the shoulder.
Not good enough.
Not good enough.
Okay, so that's two of the classes in.
English is out.
English is out, right?
Social studies, by the way.
That's where you learned about the neighborhood.
What is it?
Yeah.
But it's not, though.
Do you understand?
It's neighborhoods.
It's what statues are.
Right, right, right, right.
So this is what it should be.
Actually, for real, how a city or neighborhood works.
Okay.
Okay.
That should be a class.
And we call that what?
Just basically street beats.
All right, cool.
I like that.
It's a good class name.
Also, if the class names were hip.
Yeah.
If the class names were hip like that, I would be in it, man.
Yes, sir.
I'd take street beats, boy.
Street beats, AP Street Beats.
Yeah, yeah.
Yes, dude.
Yeah, Larry got a tattoo.
Uh-huh.
Now, why did Larry get a tattoo?
Right.
Yeah.
So today we're learning class why Larry got a tattoo and I'm in the I'm in the front, right?
Is it because his name is a Larry?
All guys named Larry have a tattoo.
Have you ever met a guy whose name Larry doesn't have a tattoo and he's not in the three stooges?
You haven't met a Larry.
I'll tell you that much.
So you got street beats.
So street beats.
Swimming, huh?
Depends.
Really?
Not in Indiana, but in LA, yes.
Yeah, beaches.
I mean, West Coast, East Coast.
Being a beach guy.
Yeah.
Beach guy.
Maybe like up near some fucking city west of Portland, you might learn that.
Body style.
or like, yeah, let me think.
You learn, Like to learn who an alpha is.
Like you have to understand who the alphas are.
And we call the class the pecking order.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
Pecking order.
Like you don't.
PO, they call it.
Okay, yeah.
Who do you have for PO?
Yeah.
And it would be like this real fucking either you would have teachers that were like real alpha or these real beta motherfuckers that were like, look, I understand who I am.
And it's okay if this is who you are, but you need to know who you are.
And if an alpha walks in the room, you kind of look at them like, you know what I mean?
Get us water the plants again.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.
How do you look at, you offer him a lollipop or whatever the fuck it is?
Like, you know, you understand, you know, not class.
Right, pack and order.
It will be like, Greg, stand up, show us how you look at an alpha.
And he'll be like, because I'm a beta?
Yes.
And then Greg goes like this, and you're like, A plus.
Oh, yeah.
A plus, Greg.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, just keep hanging the Christmas ornaments, Greg.
He'll be over there under the mistletoe.
He'll be over there under the mistletoe.
100%.
Yeah.
I think how to behave at functions is another one.
That's a good one.
Function behavior.
That could probably be in PO.
Yeah.
It could be BNPO.
Yeah, it could be like a second year.
Yeah, because alphas behave differently than betas.
Oh, it's different.
Alphas will leave a place early kind of to go do something better, even though they're not doing anything, and get there late.
Yeah, the alphas are only in places for like 25 minutes.
Yeah, sometimes they barely even show up.
They get there late and they left early.
Yeah, would you say you're an alpha?
Me?
Yeah.
No, I think I'm more of a beta, probably.
I'm like one of those Chinese fighting fish, I think.
What are those?
Betas.
Yeah.
But I think they have their own alpha-beta shit going on.
Well, I mean, yeah, they're suicidal, some of them.
Yeah.
But they only think they're killing themselves.
Because a lot of them think it's a mirror and they're killing themselves.
That's why they do that.
That's so fucking interesting.
You know what?
You came to a dinner once and you came late and left early.
Remember that dinner?
Oh, yeah, I did.
So you might have been alpha.
Yeah, because you guys, first of all, it was a dinner in the dark.
Well, but that's what a fucking, that's what a nice place is.
It's crazy.
You don't go to a fucking bright place for dinner, dude.
What do you fucking, you know, you make some money.
You got to go fucking dim the lights, bro.
Make money.
I want to see what I'm thinking, bro, dude.
That's right.
Because you're pouring your heart.
That's why.
You're pouring your heart.
You got to let that go.
That's true, man.
You are pouring your heart.
I really am.
That's okay.
But that's okay, though.
That's why people like you, bro.
That's one of the reasons why people like you.
That's why I like you.
It's one of the reasons why I like you.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Who are very different, but we also like, we vibe off each other.
And I'll tell you, too, what was I going to say?
Oh, yeah.
You thought you'd be all alpha by coming late and leaving early?
Yeah.
I paid for your meal.
Did you really?
Yeah, I did.
I pay for your meal.
So you're not going to out-alpha me, bro.
What?
Yeah.
I was like, what am I going to do?
And I took what we should have learned in school and I was like, it was like that meme with the fucking, who's the guy?
Zach Alfanak.
Yeah, Zach Alfanakis doing all the math.
And I was like, pay for it.
I was like, I got it.
Bye-bye.
I got it.
And I'll pay for it.
And they all went, oh, they did the Weebay meme.
That's a pecking order, yeah.
Dude, are you starting to live through memes?
You think I don't know.
I did two meme jokes, and I think that's probably it.
I think that's probably it for the day.
Probably, yeah.
I thought about that when I said that.
I was like, ah, too many meme jokes, but what um is what it is.
How is you know, they recently that this guy's on trial for that Nexium cult, and so I want to see, do you see that kind of stuff in fear where the babies and you guys could all end up?
So what's he in trouble for?
I haven't heard about this.
He's in trouble, I think, for sex trafficking and also produce crossing state lines.
They did some other thing where they, yeah, they, they're getting them for everything.
I mean, once you go down for sex trafficking, they throw in this fucking, you know, they throw the sink out with the strawberry.
They're getting it for taxes, too.
Yeah.
So I No, the only thing I worry about is, you know, the people taking it for what it's not, making it different than what it actually is.
We live the hedonistic lifestyle.
It's about fucking and sucking.
Yeah.
And we hang out, dude.
Oh, yeah.
But nobody fucks and sucks if you don't want to.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean?
Right, right.
Yeah, it's a mutual thing.
Right, right.
Yeah, yeah, I do.
It's not people surprisingly.
No, no, no, no, no.
Hey, what's up?
You know?
Okay.
Because I saw, yeah, I saw a good bit of dent merch at a lot of my shows.
people wear to fuck with me.
But yeah, but you see that's, That's the thing.
It's all love, right?
But when you got people, like people coming on my shit, fuck you.
You're not funny like Theo Vaughn.
They don't get it.
You don't understand, bro.
This is all love.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, it's fun.
It's like, it's like Game of Throw rugs.
100%.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's like you're going to.
I tell you what it's not.
It's not Game of Thrones.
No.
Yeah.
I'm on season three, too.
Don't give me any sports.
I'm on season five.
Oh, you are?
Okay.
Are you really?
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
How are we not doing a recap show?
I don't know.
You know.
How are we not doing a fucking recap show?
It's not Tiger Belly because that's basically what 90%.
Oh, yeah.
That's all they talk about?
Really?
Oh, they're running out of things to talk about, dude.
You know, once Bobby couldn't get erections anymore, they've totally struggled with some things to talk about over there.
They've almost got that Filipino kid.
They've almost got him.
He's almost full-time now.
Imagine Bobby for real, like someone was like, I'm going to kill your family if you don't actually do a real style performance singing and actually try and take it seriously.
His whole family would die.
Because there's no way in hell, there's no way in hell Bobby could get out into a 2,000-seater and perform for real like Frank Sinatra songs without thinking about maybe being funny and then pushing it a little bit.
And then they would just literally slice his family's heads all off like that.
Bro.
And I'll tell you what, you couldn't either.
You don't think?
I think you could take it seriously.
God damn, that's even funny.
That's a good question.
Even you, imagine you singing in front of 2,000 people, killing it.
You're then an eagle.
Yeah, I think honestly, you could do it.
Because you are the wind beneath.
But it would be so bad.
It would be so bad.
And here's the part, though.
It would start to be so bad, and you would know it's bad.
You would want to start to vibe on how bad it is and you couldn't buy the comic in us.
Yes, the comic in you.
But Bobby, not a chance.
No, no.
Bobby would die immediately.
Bobby would be like, Bobby would be like, oh, what's a song?
Let me be in a poop outside.
If I could turn back the hands of time, Pokey.
Like, he would do that.
And then they'd be like, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, his whole lineage.
Yeah.
He couldn't do it.
I thought about that.
I thought about that on the way over here, actually.
I did.
I know.
I know.
I did.
I was like, I bet Bobby couldn't do that.
Jesus, man.
Have you seen any of your babies get out of line and you had to fucking get them, put them back in the crib?
Well, yeah, but I don't put them back.
I don't call them out because I feel like maybe they're going to be crazy.
You want to get lost?
You want to get lost, bro, in your head?
You're lost.
Yeah.
I'm not the guy.
What am I?
I'm a gatherer?
Yeah, no.
Not really.
I'm not a stepdaddy.
No.
So.
Do you see, though, that some of them, are you worried some of them might do crime?
Some of them do crime.
Jesus Christ.
Let me ask you a question.
Wow.
You see this?
Yeah, what's this?
No, what's this?
A guy in a baby shirt was caught on camera.
He took a package off someone's.
Holy fuck.
Did you know this?
You just run it up.
I swear to God, I had no idea.
But these guys are both big fans of yours.
Way bigger fans than they are.
Mine, they never bring up shit from me.
Very fascinating.
I saw this on Twitter and I read.
Can we see more about this?
Unbelievable.
God.
It says, does anybody know these men?
They stole two packages from my neighbor, and it's a screenshot of a security cam.
No, dude.
Clear as day, you can see babies.
This is hilarious.
And oddly, the one guy looks just like you, Nick, the guy in the blue.
Yeah, that's Nick.
Which is very interesting.
You didn't know this, though.
Yeah, this is your Mineskin Young.
Oh, yeah.
He turned it down in one.
Oh, man, that's funny as shit.
Wow, yeah, I had no idea.
So this guy did some crime, and he's a babies.
So that's the thing.
Like, I don't want him doing that.
But I can't.
The number one reply was a quote from you.
It said, people in this cult have literally killed people.
I'm just going to say that to you.
And that's not my.
That's what I'm saying to you.
Like, you think, like, think about it.
You did the last show in Brisbane, 3,000 people?
Yeah.
You think none of those guys, you think none of those guys killed anybody?
That's just too many people.
Yeah.
In Australia?
Maybe in Australia they did.
If you did a show, 3,000 people in America, fucking seven people have killed people.
Yeah.
That's what I'm saying.
Oh, yeah.
I remember when I was young.
We don't do background checks.
Yeah.
Not in my cult.
I remember when I was young and they had class and they said that you, when we walked into class, statistics, the guy said there was 700 people in class.
And he said, statistically speaking, two of you guys will be registered sex offenders.
It was like one of the first things.
Jesus, where did you go to school?
I'm in Louisiana State.
Yeah, Louisiana.
That's the only thing.
And I remember that's when I stood up and yelled, not it.
That's what I remember.
I yelled.
Which crushed, bro.
Did you?
Did you do that?
Yeah.
Wow, that's really crushed.
Wow.
And wait, was that freshman year?
Yeah, it was freshman year.
Wow, so that was your whole fucking, you were the funny guy immediately then.
Yeah, at that point.
Nobody fucked that guy either, man.
Wow.
That guy jerked himself off often, though, at the house.
Do you masturbate at your age, or did you do it more when you were younger?
What does that, what's that journey been like for you?
I don't know.
I don't really do it too much.
I do it more on the road.
Yeah.
You know, but are you, are you, I feel like, you know what, dude?
You jerked off a lot when you were younger.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can tell.
The 20s, I did over in Santa Monica.
Yeah.
I've come in that area a lot, brother.
Not proud of it either.
We're trying to get away from it, but there's a porn place right across the hall now.
So Theo's going to have to.
What do you mean, though?
They're like an agency.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
So they're going to be coming in and out right across the hall.
You want 10% of this?
I know, huh?
So, wait, I was going to say, hold on.
There was a thing about jerking off.
Yeah, I try not to jerk off anymore now.
I'm like a year off pornography on my.
I'm so a guy that would be like, you know what?
I'm going to try to not jerk off.
Why?
Why?
Because it just makes me feel weaker.
It makes me feel sad if I jerk off.
Why?
I don't know why.
It's a good question.
But it makes me.
A lot of people feel that way.
Really?
Immediately, it makes me feel that way.
It makes me feel ashamed of myself.
That's so weird to me.
I mean, it's both weird.
Yeah, no.
I'm not saying that that's a bad thing.
Yeah, no, I don't think you are.
I think you're just disgusting.
But yeah, man, I just feel if I jerk off, I'm like, fuck, man.
Why?
Such a fucking loser.
I don't know why.
That's a real thing.
But it's just like eating.
Yeah.
It's not like eating.
It's like barfing, I feel like out of your wiener, like out of your wiener.
Yeah, yeah.
So it's like.
It's like both of those.
But like in a way, it's like both of those.
Like it's a barfing out of your wiener, but it's also you just do it.
I feel like if I injected it back into my body.
You'd feel a lot better.
Yeah.
That's something about like losing my esteem, losing my manhood, losing my machismo.
That's very, very ancient of you.
Is it, you think?
You're a very ancient, like you're like, you should be in like Grecian old.
Really?
You think I seem ancient?
I would be.
Thanks, dude.
No, I think that when you calm, you feel ancient as shit afterwards.
But I think that you...
You know, in like Greece, like however many years ago, thousands of years ago, or fucking however many years ago, they would be like, we have to fuck these boys to make them men.
Yeah, yeah.
Did you know about that?
Yeah, yeah, I've seen it.
Yeah.
I've seen like, oh, yeah, I've heard about it.
Yeah.
So if I was transported back into that time and they said, hey, this is how we do it.
You have to do it.
I would be like, okay, I'm not going to do that.
And I think it would be fucking so many years before I cracked.
I think for you, it would be eight days.
Really?
Yeah.
You think I'd be easy to do?
I think you'd be like, I don't know.
And they'd be like, this is what we do.
And you'd be like, no.
And a week would go by and you'd be like, I guess I got to fit in.
And eight or nine days, you'd be like, this is how they do the manhood thing.
And what do I do after that?
You feel real bad.
But like in the coming weeks and months and years, what happens to me?
Well, you probably, I mean, you know, you probably just become Grecian and you're fucking that guy.
I don't do that.
Yeah.
That makes me sad.
Yeah, I would hate that, dude.
I'd hate to be fucking some guy from a long time ago.
Yeah.
Yeah, I would too.
Imagine that.
Like, it's hard enough probably banging some guy you don't even want to fuck these days, you know?
But imagine a thousand years ago banging some dude when people are like, hey, you know, people think it's magic.
People don't know what it is.
Yeah, and I'll also tell you that they were not clean.
They were so dirty.
They were just outside a lot more, you know?
All the hair on them.
Yeah.
Different times, dude.
Bro, don't make that sound.
That's one of the worst sounds people make.
My freaking grandfather used to always make that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
You think when you're old, you give a fuck anymore?
You're fucking nothing.
Nothing gets you fired up anymore.
You think when you're older?
I think, yeah.
And I can't wait for that.
Really?
Yeah.
Are you tired?
I can't wait for that, dude.
I already feel like I don't want to do so much shit.
Like, there's like three things I like doing, you know?
And sometimes jerking off and coming is one of them.
So don't take that from me.
Don't try to be like, I feel bad.
Yeah, you're right.
I wish I did it, man.
I wish it was awesome.
Like, I just got up in the morning.
I was like, I'm going to fucking jerk off real quick and then enjoy the rest of my experience today.
It's just not how it works for me.
And I don't even really like talking about this, but do you take your time doing it or do you just do it to get it done?
I usually, I can get it done in less than a minute.
I don't ever take more than two minutes.
That might be one of your problems.
You think so?
Take yourself out on the date, bro.
Yeah.
Yeah, you know?
Like, go out to dinner.
Do something nice.
You know what I mean?
Go to like fucking Pizza Cucina or some nice shit.
I don't even know if that's a place, but like some place that would sound like that.
And go.
Go to like a Hardee's that has an upstairs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
100%.
Be like, yeah, where you're like, are you guys seating up there?
And they'd be like, nah, nah.
I'm like, I'm on a nice date.
And they'd be like, all right, we got one seat up there.
You just sit there, you drink some wine or whatever the fuck you don't drink, but like you get some club soda.
Yeah.
And you just fucking, you have a conversation with yourself, you know?
Like not out loud, but in your head.
And then you go home and you fucking think and like, you know, that was nice.
Yeah.
And if there was somebody there, you would be like, that was very nice, wasn't it?
And they'd be like, yeah, it was nice.
Yeah.
Have a good time, dude.
Shake hands with who the fuck you are, bro.
And then go home, turn on some Netflix, maybe watch fucking Always Be My Maybe.
And then afterwards, or in the middle.
You know what I mean?
Because you know when you're watching the Netflix with a girl.
Do you pause it or do you keep going?
No, you keep it going.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, you pause it.
No, you don't, though.
Think about if you're with a chick, you don't pause it.
I pause it a little bit.
You pause it?
That's a boss move.
Wow.
You're an alpha.
Am I?
Oh, hey, bro, bro.
Think about that shit.
You're watching a movie with a chick.
You're watching.
You just go, boop.
That's amazing, bro.
I don't pause it.
You know why?
I'm too scared.
Really?
Yeah, bro.
You keep it going.
You go like, well, you know?
You got to pause it, man.
You already watched 11 fucking 12 minutes.
I know, because you want to keep it.
See, that's actually a good move because then it's like, you're like, I'm pausing this because I want to kiss you.
But just so you know, I want to get back to this movie afterwards.
They're not that important for me to miss this movie.
Yeah, who knows?
But you know, what I've thought, what I've been working on a lot lately is a lot of people is when I'm staring at somebody and then they look at Me, you know, the instinct is to look away, but that's a bitch move.
You got to keep staring at them.
If you're staring at them and they catch you, you're like, This is what I was doing, and I'm not stopping because you chose to live your life.
That is something you got to do.
I've been working on that, it's very hard for some reason.
Isn't that weird?
Yes, very hard because it's extremely unnatural.
I know it's very unnatural, but I think that we can switch that.
I think that we can change that.
I think we can change that.
I want, seriously, because here's the thing.
I want my kids to fucking do that.
Right.
So I have to work on it for myself.
And this way, when they're growing up and they see me doing that, they're going to be real.
He's going to be in the front yard just looking at the fucking neighbors.
Yeah, I can't wait.
I actually can't wait.
The neighbors out there picking up dog shit and looks over at him and looks like a fucking serial killer.
What the fuck is wrong with those kids?
And then I call them and they go, hello?
And I say, nothing.
Click.
Because nothing's wrong with them.
This is how I designed my kids.
Bro, if I could build kids, that would be amazing.
Build my kids?
Do you know how you can customize Nike?
If they had kid ID or whatever the fuck?
Yeah.
I would do that shit on a website.
Click, click.
I want his arms a little shorter, his legs a little longer.
Camouflage elbows.
What else would you do?
Yeah.
You know what I would do?
I would make him, whatever it is, I would make him look real bad in any kind of stupidest shit outfit.
I would make sure he has the body only to wear normal fucking clothes.
Because I don't want him getting fucking artsy.
You know what I mean?
Right.
I don't want him being like...
My son's not doing that shit.
That's a Jay Smith.
If you identify as a girl, fine.
That's fine.
Wear the skirt.
If you're gay, wear the skirt, but don't be the guy that's like, this looks good on me.
And I fuck chicks.
Yeah.
Nah.
Yeah, Jaden Smith dresses like a Scottish man, like an old Scottish man.
Yeah.
Dang, I wish you could smell my breath right now.
Did I say my breasts?
Nope.
I'm saying breath because I got that meat on my grill type of smell.
If you sniff my teeth, you'll smell meat because I've been having some Omaha steaks.
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It's a lot of meat, huh?
Yeah.
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Yeah, I could see, also I could see what would be cool if your kids were immediately the same height as you, like once they hit like nine years old or 11. That would probably be an advanced package you'd have to buy.
Yeah.
But can you imagine, dude, some 11-year-old same height?
You know what I would do?
Weaker neck and arms, though?
Fucking calf power.
I'd have my kid have a calf power.
Like 20%.
You'd have like maximum 20 of calves.
Yeah.
Fuck, man.
Damn, look at the calves in that guy.
Brown eyes, not blue eyes.
No way.
Have you ever met a guy with blue eyes?
Do you have blue eyes?
No, I don't have blue eyes, dude.
Look at me.
I'm five feet away from you.
You got like brown eyes?
Green eyes.
Green eyes, yeah.
I would never touch a guy with blue eyes.
They're just hands down.
You know, it's just not bizarre.
I'll tell you what, Nick.
But I'll tell you what, Nick, that's not sexy to have blue eyes as a guy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You don't think so?
Also, blonde hair, you're pushing it.
He's pushing.
Yeah, you don't have blonde hair as a guy.
A guy with blonde hair?
No.
A guy with blonde hair, blue eyes?
No way.
Yeah.
Because here's the thing: you got to look good in a fucking black leather jacket as a dude.
And if you have blonde hair, you don't.
You got to wear a brown leather jacket.
Ooh, brown leather jacket is something my mom wears.
But it's okay to wear a brown leather jacket sometimes.
But if you're a blonde guy, you got to wear it all the time.
And that's not okay.
I don't know.
Well, I do.
And that's how it is.
Yeah.
Oh, I didn't.
I'm glad somebody had it.
I spent my time thinking about this shit.
Yeah, that's crazy, man.
So do you have, do you, do you, where do your, do you think ideas just come into your head or where are they?
Yeah, I don't know.
Well, how do you?
Are you always just like thinking of something?
Yeah.
Like you see something, you're like, oh, I'm going to think about this.
Yeah.
I think about it all the time.
I don't think about the shit that matters.
Yeah, you don't.
I fucking just worry about the shit that matters.
Yeah, but you also have that fucking thing where it's like, I wonder what Bobby looked like with different lips.
Like you would think about that.
Yeah, I just want, I mean, I think about Bobby a lot, dude, because I worry that he's just not living up to his full potential.
Right.
So you think about that, which is very nice.
But also you might think, you know, what it's like inside of his girl.
Oh, no.
But you make up shit.
Don't you make up situations in your head?
I do it all day.
No, you do this all.
I think I used to be able to do it more, and I don't know what happened to me as I got older.
I got more worried about shit.
I mean, that's what my podcast is.
There's a what if this happened and then that happened?
And if for some reason people listen to it.
Yeah, you're good at that, man.
You're good at being like, oh, what, what, what, what if it happened?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I know.
And then like taking us into like an alternate universe.
But it's good.
I think it's what makes you a good actor.
It's like you have an interest in taking people into an alternate universe.
You know, I think it's one of the things that maybe make you want to be a fighter, like a superhero or in that universe is because you want to be in these alternate universes.
You want to be able to shoot a laser out of your fucking neckbone.
You want to be able to lift it up into a fucking galaxy ship, you know?
Yeah.
I think these are things that, you know, that seem realistic on you because you kind of live them out in your everyday.
Even some of your old images, I remember on your website, you're on a fucking, you're shooting a fucking water gun on top of a fucking whale's back or something.
I'm like, where is this motherfucker, dude?
He must be by the airport or something.
You can't check yourself, though, you know?
That's the thing.
You're good at that, but you also do, you check yourself sometimes.
Yeah, I think I check myself often.
Yeah, but you're but you also don't, but you also, what makes you so fucking funny is like you have your own language and shit.
Like, we actually kind of both have that.
Like, you know what I mean?
Like, I hear people doing your terms and shit, but like, you, uh, you, uh, you, like, you're, you have a style where, like, you're so you, and that's because you let yourself be that way.
Yeah.
That's when you're best, I think.
Yeah.
I think that's what most people think about you, you know?
And then, like, you go off and you worry about stuff after that.
Yeah, that's what I do immediately when I get on.
Yeah, you don't have to do that.
First, I see if Neil Brennan has any advice for me, and then I just go worry about myself.
And he does.
And he does, yeah.
He usually has a couple of fucking free insights.
What about this, though?
Dude, do you think that do you find, I find sometimes I have trouble telling a story that I've told before after a while on the road and making it feel genuine to myself?
Interesting.
Well, you're like a storyteller, pretty much, right?
Yes.
I think so, yeah.
I mean, I like telling stories.
Yeah, no, I mean, you're fucking, you should.
Right.
You should.
You kind of are, though.
Yeah, kind of.
Yeah, kind of.
Yeah, sometimes it's weird.
Like, like, I'll do a bit like five times and it'll crush and then it'll drop off after like five times.
And then I'll get it back for a while.
And then like after like seven months, I think that's what you're talking about.
Like, I'll just be like, I'm just doing this.
I'm just saying this.
Yes, that's what it starts to be.
And I can't find my way out of that.
It's like every time I'm like, okay, I'm going to make it fresh this time.
I'm going to make it new.
And I'll try to, but it just doesn't.
But a newer bit always does better.
I know, I know, I know.
And it's kind of sucks too because like a bit is so much better.
Like, do you ever do like the other day I did some shit that I've been doing, then I did a new bit and it worked and it was good.
It wasn't amazing, but it was good.
And then I went into my old shit like that again, like from that I've been working on.
And it was just like, oh, that's how a bit works.
It was like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
And I was like, fuck, I got to get that new bit to that.
Right.
But the new bit is the shit, the laughs that you're getting from the new bit are the shit where they're like, they are laughing because they feel you excited about it, you know?
Yeah, oh, maybe that's what it is.
And they can understand your excitement.
Yeah.
So I always like think about like, like, I laugh a lot on stage.
Yeah.
And people are like, are you laughing?
Is that real?
And the truth is, I'm laughing not at what I'm saying.
I'm laughing at the fact that I can't believe I get to do this for a job.
Right.
And it's so fun.
And I'm like looking at you guys and like, you think this is funny?
Like, I'm already there right now.
Like, I'm like, this is fucking awesome.
And that's why I'm laughing.
Like, I can't believe you let me do this as a job.
And these jokes that I thought of, a lot of them I thought of on stage.
So I laughed when I was saying them.
So I just keep that vibe, you know?
It's not like I'm laughing.
I know I've said this shit before, you know?
Right.
But it's a genuine laugh, you know?
Yeah, it's fun to see.
It's fun to know that people are going to enjoy stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Knowing that they're about to enjoy it or that they are having a good time.
It's like, yeah.
It's fun.
Yeah, I feel like as an audience member, like you see the spark in the comedian and they're enjoying it and having fun.
You have that smile on your face.
And I think that's what really is like, oh, they are so like in touch with this.
And then after a while, like, obviously you're doing the same joke.
It's like, you're not as excited telling the story.
So the crowd isn't excited hearing it.
Yeah.
I mean, it's definitely like an energy thing, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, it must be.
And it must be.
Yeah.
That's why sometimes it's not like I want to tell them the story because they've never heard it, but I just, it doesn't land as great as it once did.
But you know what, though?
Sometimes it does, and you just don't think it does, you know?
Like, you ever have those sets where you're like, oh, they didn't like me?
And then they come out like if there's a meet and greet and they're like, dude, that's the funniest thing I've ever seen.
Yeah.
like, in Minnesota?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're like, you didn't seem like it.
You're like, all right.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
And I guess maybe if you hear the same, if you hear a song enough, if you know the cadences of their laughter at certain points, you hear a just like hearing a song enough where you're like, oh, the song is still good, but it's not the same as this new song that I'm right.
Yeah.
When I tell these new jokes and I get different laughs on it.
Like, remember the first time you heard fucking hot in.
It's so hot in here.
You were like, oh, what?
Yeah.
That fucking Nelly song?
Yeah, so good.
But now you'd be like, okay, well, maybe now you'd be like, oh, I remember that.
But like, after like, here's the thing, dude.
Songs like four years later, you're like, get this shit off.
Yeah.
But songs like eight years later, you're like, oh, this shit rocked.
Yeah, we did that.
You got to get back to that point in your act, you know?
Or at least for me, that's what I think.
Like, I'll do the song, I'll do the joke.
It's banging because it's a hit.
It's a new song that just came out.
And then it drops off because it's like, you're in the three-year thing where you're like, oh, this is like an old song.
Yeah.
And then it's like when I was young, when I was 15 and 16, I started getting embarrassed hanging out with my dad because that's like the age you get embarrassed at.
And my dad said, we used to hang out.
What the fuck?
And I said to him, yeah, but it only lasts for like a few years.
When I'm 19 or 20, after high school again, it'll be cool to hang out with you again.
He was like, really?
And I was like, yep.
And it's true.
Wow.
It's that thing you got to get back to being a 19-year-old again where it's cool hanging out with your dad.
But you knew that in advance and told your dad?
Yeah, yeah.
My dad always brings it up.
He was like, how did you know that in advance?
And I was like, I don't know.
I think I just saw people doing it.
Do you know all of it?
Like all the beats of the life?
And then it's just like you are.
You think so.
So how are you enjoying it then if you already know it all, if you like know that how it's all going to kind of break down and when to do what?
Yeah, but it's like, it's like because the anticipation is what the most fun, which is the, which is the fun.
It's like when you're like, you're like, let's go to Vegas and you're in Vegas.
It's usually not as fun as the whole fucking, let's go to Vegas thing.
Right.
Yeah.
Way there, the on the way there is the best part because you're thinking about, fuck yeah.
Let's do it.
Yeah.
Do you think you could be ever fall victim to a surprise party or not?
I have.
You have?
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
It was bullshit.
It was it?
No, it was great, but it was bullshit that they got me.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, because you seem like the kind of guy who would not let people get him on a surprise party.
It's your fucking birthday.
You know, I mean, it's.
got me.
It was fucking...
It was 2007.
Wow.
She fucking got me, man.
Was it a restaurant?
It was at a bar.
It was a bar restaurant, yeah.
Wow.
I don't think a place exists anymore.
I think after that night, they shut down.
Damn.
I don't believe they got me.
Yeah.
I don't think that I would be able to get God now.
Really?
I don't think so, bro.
Yeah, you seem way too...
Yeah.
You get in there.
Don't let them.
Yeah.
I would be like, even now, like, my birthday's in March, but when somebody's like, you want to hang out?
And it's September, I'm like, better not be a fucking surprise.
Not for my birthday.
Yeah.
We got some questions that came in for Chris Dalia.
Let's see them.
When's your new film coming out, Chris?
I don't know.
I think in the fall, but I'm not sure.
Are you excited about it?
Are you nervous about it?
Nah, whatever.
It's fine, you know.
But it went well?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm good.
I'm happy.
Like, you know, honestly, whatever.
Nothing matters anyway.
Yeah.
For real.
Like, you know, it's like, oh, yeah, I wish.
People were like, nah, it's true, though.
You know how it's like, people are like, oh, is it okay if I do this fucking spot for Comedy Central or is it okay if I do this movie?
It doesn't matter, dude.
Yeah.
It doesn't matter.
Yeah.
Unless it's like a fucking murder.
Yeah, or like Captain America.
Yeah.
If you had to fight for a country, would it be America?
Like as a superhero?
Or would it be...
I think I would be like...
I don't think I would pick a country.
I think I would just be like, look, we've got to be in this all together.
This is for the better of mankind.
Do you think you could save the world?
Like, from what, though?
I don't know.
Probably not.
Damn.
But you would try, wouldn't you?
Yeah, I would try.
But like, I would love this.
This is the character I already love.
This character.
Whoever this guy is.
Whoever this superhero is.
Dr. Maybe.
I would try, yeah.
Yeah.
I would try.
But like, it will be tough.
I'm not going to lie.
That should be the pitch shape for whatever the fucking film is going to be.
Look, I'm just telling you guys the truth.
It's going to be tough.
Look, I know we got this sidekick over here, fucking Waterman or whatever your name is.
I don't know, guy.
It's just going to be acting.
What are we up against?
And then they show me and I'm like, I'm not going to lie, dude.
It's going to be tough.
And I don't know if I can do it, but I'll do it.
I'll try.
Realism.
That's your fucking, that's your superhero name.
Yeah.
Realism.
I'm going to need a bunch of rocks and a bunch of guns.
And you're going to need to get a divorce, you tell one of your guys.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And here's the other thing, too.
The rocks can't be too heavy.
They have to be carriable.
So that's where we're at, guys.
Let's hit a question here.
What do we have, Nick?
You want to turn up one again because it's going to come out of those headphones?
Okay, perfect.
You need headphones on or no?
I think we can hear them.
What up, Theo?
What up, Chris?
It's Brian from Ohio, Akron, Ohio.
What's up?
Had a quick question.
Was just curious as to how you guys met each other.
Yes.
And what were the first impressions?
Did you guys like each other?
Did you not?
You know, let me know.
Gang, gang.
Okay.
Blue-eyed, first of all, that guy.
You kids.
I mean, imagine that guy with a brown leather jacket on.
Crossing guard.
Crossing guard?
What the fuck was that thing?
I mean, that's...
I hope you're a crossing guard.
He looks like he's in golf clothes.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
For sure.
Look at him.
That guy could be standing naked and you'd be like, oh, you love golf.
Yeah, that's true.
But he also looks like he either is a crossing guard, he's valedictorian at fucking a foot locker because that's some very neon green sash.
Yeah.
We know one thing that he for sure is.
What?
One, two, three.
A Republican.
Yeah.
I think we can say that.
Probably.
Two-term Trump, he's saying.
Yeah.
He hasn't tattooed him.
And that's okay.
You know, what you got to do about it.
Everybody makes their own choices.
Get in the booth and vote.
Yeah.
So, uh, so the question, yeah, I know when I met you.
Really?
Yep.
It's hard to remember when you met me.
See, I hate this because if you don't remember, then the other person can fucking trump you and just believe what they say.
There's no reason why you'd remember when we've had our first conversation.
There's zero reason why you'd remember it.
And I know this.
Okay.
And you don't even know when it was, and it wasn't, and both of us were not doing stand-up yet.
Really?
Yep.
And I've told you this, and you forgot it because of the same reason why when I told you this was the same reason why when we met.
It was because you were high both times.
Really?
That's awesome.
We were in Saddle Ranch.
No.
What were you doing there?
You know what?
I don't know.
Okay.
Yeah.
Me neither.
Yeah.
So you, people were riding the bull and you were kind of like, you were with some people that had to do with some kind of production.
I think it was that.
But you, I was not in line for the bull because I would not ever ride the bull.
But we were around that area.
And I was like, huh.
And I looked at you and I was like, crazy, huh?
Or something.
I don't know what I said, but you said, man, a lot of chicks out there.
Really?
Out where?
In the world?
In the bull, on the bull.
Yeah.
You see, all these girls, huh?
Something like that.
Damn.
Yeah.
And you were so faded.
Oh, damn.
Yeah, like on pills or something.
Oh, fuck you.
Bro, you were on pills.
This isn't a real thing.
You were something, dude.
It was a saddle ranch, bro.
I remember.
You had a hat on, dude.
I remember.
Dude, I remember when I met you then.
No, I didn't make it up.
You can't say then after that.
That's a real story.
I do remember.
All right.
I remember when I met you.
So I remember I was playing in like a young athletic men's basketball league, right?
Already this is wrong.
No.
Didn't you used to live near Olympic?
This was off of Olympic Boulevard.
No.
Or it was, it couldn't, it might have been not, it might have been off somewhere else like a Wilshire or Santa Monica Boulevard.
And it was like, it was a, like a, it was like a league I was in.
It was like a championship game or whatever.
My team was, our team was called Hot to Trot, right?
That was our team.
Okay.
So anyway.
It's coming back to me now.
Yeah.
So anyway, it's like the end of the game.
I drive, get fouled, score, right?
It's an obvious and one.
I'm going to go to the line.
And the ref, bro, okay, first of all, the fucking ref, dude.
All legs, right?
This is probably about 10 years ago when you were a little bit younger.
Okay.
All legs, dude.
Barely, it was like legs and like long hair and you couldn't really know much else about him.
He's like, no foul.
That's what he said.
Blue as whistle and comes over and goes, no foul.
And it was you.
And he was on pills.
I don't know if he was on pills, but he definitely didn't know anything about refereeing.
I don't even know if he was an actual referee, but I just remember him.
He fucking ruined it.
Wow.
And I just remember, man, who the fuck is that guy?
He's not even paying attention.
I tell you what.
There's a lot of shit in my life I don't remember.
I don't remember that, but I will tell you this.
I stand by my call if that was me.
Oh, damn.
Yeah.
And I honestly think you fucking traveled too, but I'm not even talking about it.
Oh, get the fuck.
I did.
I think you probably traveled.
Dude, it was for the West District City Championship, bro.
And I was like, and I think I remember, I don't remember this, but if it did happen, I think I remember thinking, dude, I wonder if you fucking paid for a plane ticket with that travel.
Oh, damn.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
That guy got his travel from kayak.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I remember the guy saying a really bad joke like that.
Coop, were you on Priceline.com?
Or whatever the fuck.
And you go, what?
And I saw on your face in the middle of the what, you got the joke.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, that's the worst.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But yeah, I definitely remember that, man.
Do you remember a meeting?
I don't remember the first time we met comedy-wise, though.
Stand-up.
Outside of the Saddle Ranch or the Basketball Rec League.
Yeah, I don't remember.
I mean, I remember one night there was some girl that got so that got mad at you on the front porch of the comedy store.
Do you remember this?
And I remember, like, she was just being like a real bitch.
And I remember, I don't remember that the only other times I've ever, that I even, I don't even remember talking to you that much until maybe about like two years ago.
You know?
I never liked talking to people that were doing well in comedy.
Yeah, I know.
You're fucking weird like that, bro.
Well, because I don't like them.
I never want to, I don't know.
So many people, it seemed like we're like, oh, I understand that, but you're so not that guy.
Yeah, but if you do that kind of behavior, then I feel like you become that guy.
But as long as you're aware of that, then you're not going to be that guy.
Right.
You know, it's not like you're fucking, you know, it's not like you're like the guy that's like.
Oh, this fucking guy's around.
You know those guys that just stand?
Yeah.
You're like, what, what are you doing?
And they're just standing.
Yeah.
But you're like in the parking lot of the comedy store and you're talking.
You're like, what's what's fucking going on here?
Oh, there's a guy right here.
Oh, yeah.
You know those guys?
We're like, you're like, am I in a horror movie?
What the fuck is happening?
And there's just a fucking standard.
In a weapon, bro.
If I was ever a standard dude, fuck, dude, get out of here.
At least loiter.
At least pace.
Yeah, 100%.
And if you're just going to stand, say some shit.
Those guys got to go.
Go to lunch.
Those guys are fucking out to lunch.
Go to lunch, bro.
This one, I would press one of your buttons right now and fucking use it.
That's right.
Let's get another question that came in.
But I don't remember.
I do remember being, I felt like intimidated to talk to you, kind of.
I would get nervous talking around because you were always so confident.
You always say that, yeah.
Yeah.
And I was, I remember.
I'd be like, I don't know what I'm going to fucking say.
Like, I'm going to go over there.
Oh, here's a guy.
Oh, this is like if me and you had a baby.
This guy.
Hey, guys.
This is Austin from Jackson, Mississippi.
Of course you are.
So excited you guys are doing a podcast together.
Gang, gang, cult, colt.
Anyways, ask Chris if he's going to continue with the 30-minute stand-up specials or if he's going to go back to the traditional hour.
Love to hear y'all's thoughts on that.
I like this guy already.
Nice player.
Nice guy out of Jackson, Mississippi, and I used to get drunk over there.
Over there by Howl and Mouls and every Cherokee Bar.
Once you cross the line, you're drunk.
Yeah.
You get there, you're like, man, it feels so weird.
Oh, yeah.
And then you see the sign, Welcome to Jackson, Mississippi.
Oh, my reading goes down the second I even get over there, dude.
Yeah, yeah.
It's interesting.
So, yeah, so what would you do next?
Would you do another Netflix?
you put something out on your own?
And it'll be an hour.
I'm shooting it soon, but I in the next few months.
But the half-hour thing they came to me with and they were like, do you want to do it?
And I just thought it was a cool idea because, first of all, I had a half an hour of material that I didn't want to put on my next special.
So I was like, that's perfect for me.
And also, I always want to try the new thing or the different thing.
I at least want to try it.
I think a lot of people do.
So my two other specials on Netflix, Incorrigible and Man on Fire.
Man on Fire is 60 minutes.
Incorrigible is an hour and 20 minutes or an hour and 15 minutes, something like that.
I know that.
So my first one on Netflix, Incorrigible, I purposely put the banger shit at the end because you close with the banger shit.
You know what I mean?
But I know people didn't get to that because that's a long time to watch stand-up.
And people watch it before they're going to go out at night or they're just, they, you know, they put it on at night and they fall asleep.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
A lot of times people watch passively.
Exactly.
So I know because of that, they'll often reference the first half of that Incorrigible act.
And I'm like, I know the second half is way funnier.
So they say, oh, I love the part about this.
And I was like, you didn't watch the whole thing.
Right.
Because the last part is better.
No one ever talks about the end stuff.
Exactly.
So with Man on Fire, it's a little different because it's an hour.
And so I started thinking, like, I think people are just trying to consume shit.
I think that it's better to click on something.
Oh, it's only a half hour.
I'll watch it.
Right.
I got time.
So I was like, I really want to do that because I think that'll be a good idea.
And I had the material.
But, you know, some people were like, I think they thought they were being slick.
They were like, oh, dude, so they were not allowing you to do an hour.
It's like, you just don't get the business.
But like, yeah, I'm doing my next one.
Yeah, Nick Schwartzen did a half.
I mean, it was a cool group, too.
It was Neil.
It was a Neil.
It was Nicole.
So, yeah, I don't know.
I also thought it'd be good for my overseas shit because it's like the world thing that they were doing.
Oh, yeah, yeah, communities of the world.
Yeah.
So I'm going to do another hour.
I have it ready pretty much.
I'm cutting and pasting.
But yeah.
Wow.
By the way, what about you?
What are you doing?
You don't know?
I don't know.
Yeah.
I mean, I think, yeah, I mean, I'm ready to do one.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Definitely.
I just don't know what to do.
Yeah.
Kind of, yeah.
Well, just play it right, you know?
Take your time.
Like, you don't.
I mean, not take your time, but like hold out.
You know what I mean?
Like, honestly, dude, even like what Andrew Schultz is doing is fucking cool.
Like, he's just putting it out as it, you know, every now and then on YouTube.
Yeah, kind of like that.
The only thing is there's no like payday.
No money, but you own it.
It's an invest.
It's an investment, though.
It's like, you know, it's like, you know, you build up the views, you build up the fan base, which you've already done with your podcast and shit.
But like, you know, and people love your Netflix special.
But it's just like, you know.
Yeah, I mean, my Netflix post was kind of shit.
I'd like to have another one on there that was pretty cool.
I mean, I would even see if maybe...
You don't like the first one?
I didn't like the first one.
Yeah, but maybe it's just because it's fucking you.
Yeah, it was just a bad.
That weekend of shows was just rough.
Oh, really?
It just was not that good of an experience.
I mean, I'm grateful for it.
It was fun.
And it was what it was.
It was a lot of fun.
You never know what kind of crowd or what kind of vibe you're going to get.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
So that was kind of tricky.
Let's take another question or two.
All right.
Since we like this guy, we got another question from your son.
What's up, Theo?
It's Austin Eubanks, Jackson, Mississippi.
Just getting my oil change.
My question for daddy is, what's your role going to be at the log cabin?
Is Theo at the log cabin?
Has he reached elder status?
Oh, yeah.
Or is he going to be rolling moms?
I honestly think that's Shila Buck.
Okay.
So, yeah, everyone's invited.
If you want to be a part of that, people are like, what would I do to be a part of the cult?
It's like, if you're asking the question, you're already in it.
You know what I mean?
That's what we say here.
So you took the first step.
Thank you very much.
That's cool.
Yeah.
They say, they say, what do I have to do to be in the cult?
I say, you're welcome.
That's what I say.
And they said, do we skip a few sentences?
I say, no, that's how it goes here.
And so, yeah, so, you know, look, it's my cult, but it doesn't mean that fucking, you know, if I say, you know, guys, this fucking shit, we need this to be, you know, whatever it is, done, then, yeah, somebody's got to do it.
But there's enough people that somebody's like, all right, I'll do it.
Somebody will do it.
Yeah.
You see, you see, you see Chernobyl, that show?
Uh-oh, is he good?
Yeah, really good.
But the guys are like, we need fucking three of you to go in and turn the water off, and you're all going to die in the next week.
And they did it.
They did do it.
And everyone's like.
And then some guy finally was like, all right, I'll do it.
It's like, if somebody's going to do that, somebody will fucking clean the bath into the lock cabin.
You know what I'm saying?
So, yeah.
So, yeah.
Yeah, man.
I'd like to apply.
You don't have to.
I have a question.
What was your guys' thoughts when you went to each other's podcast studios?
Was it?
Oh, yeah.
Also, you're an elder.
I keep forgetting to bring you the certificate.
Oh, really?
Yeah, you fucking guest hosted the show.
Oh, yeah.
I got a pin for you, dude.
It's really cool.
Do you really?
Uh-huh.
Oh, it's cool.
I meant to prank you, dude.
It was an honor, man.
It was definitely scary.
You live in a gated community, first of all.
And the guy gave me a gang gang whenever I rolled through.
No, he didn't.
Swear to God, bro.
The white guy.
He was a white guy.
Look very basic.
Nice guy.
I don't even know that guy.
I have some video of him.
Actually, I secretly was videoing some of the moments.
Because I didn't know what was going to happen.
So I got up there then.
And like, yeah, it was crazy.
Somebody was, yeah, there was like, I think Magic Johnson was jogging in the neighborhood.
Like, it was very intense.
It was sheep.
I remember that people, some people, I think it was Scotland was like in the distance.
Like, it was very.
There are areas that are technically Scotland and like yeah, there was a lot of endangered species I saw that I had nobody seen in a long time, actually.
And I was like, oh, you know, they're looking for you.
You know, I told some of the animals.
Somebody said, somebody said to me once, hey, do you, I got to ask you, do you really rank your dogs?
Yeah.
And I said, what do you think?
And they said, no.
And I said, why are you asking this question?
And they said, oh, I don't know.
That's how that conversation went.
Oh, that's hilarious, dude.
Yeah.
Man, I got to listen to your podcast more often.
I mean, it's kind of you just call me up.
It's good.
There's no guests.
But yeah, man, people, I mean, a lot of people have, you know, are concerned about their health and safety.
I liked doing the fucking?
Yeah.
Funny shit.
Thanks.
Yeah, it was really fun.
Yeah.
I thought it was really fun.
And it was good for us.
I think that, like, you know.
Oh, it shocked people.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Even my mom was like, what is happening, son?
Dude, my father.
Are you getting enough sun?
That's what she said.
I was like, mama, it's not fucking me.
You're strangely tan.
You look like a guy that should be much whiter than you are.
And you know that.
And you know that.
Yeah, boy.
Yeah.
What's the deal?
Dude.
Are you outside a lot?
Dude, huh?
Are you outside?
I'm inside, man.
Yeah.
You know, part of my family's from Nicaragua, bro.
And it's not a racial story.
Yeah, my father's from Nicaragua.
What?
Yeah, Nicaragua, bro.
Where my nick guards at, huh?
Well, a little too close.
Yeah.
And hopefully the audio is clear on that.
Yeah, it is.
I got your back.
There's a C in there.
Okay, good.
Yeah, dude.
It was scary, actually.
I got there and I was like, oh, how does he, it felt different to me.
I felt, it was hard, I felt like it was fun, but it was hard.
I wish I'd prepared a lot of people.
Oh, people loved it.
I mean, I guess I thought I didn't really prepare either.
But sometimes some of the most fun I had was taking the calls.
You know, just like, this shit was hilarious.
Those guys, like, the fucking guys, like your listeners, bro.
Yeah.
They're like, you know how, you know what your listeners are like?
Some of them, not all of them.
But some of them are like, you know, oh, I know they're listening.
And get ready for this because this is what you are.
Okay.
So you are, you know, have you ever seen Total Recall, the first one?
Uh-huh.
Where the guy's like...
With that third tit?
Yes.
Your listeners are that guy.
And you're the guy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Your listeners are like the guy coming at you.
And they're just like.
What do they call him?
Quanta or whatever the fuck it is?
What is it?
What the fuck do you call him?
That's your listener.
Those are some of your listeners, bro.
What the fuck do they call that guy?
Some of the Q. Who knows?
It's not in the new one, though, with Colin Farron.
Oh my God, dude.
You live in such a weird space.
Let's get one more for Mr. Chris Dalia.
Copy.
Yeah, here we go.
Hey guys, it's Kyric from Rhode Island.
My question for Chris is, do you think you could grow a mullet equally as great or better than Theo's?
And if you could, would you consider going on a mullet boys tour to get it?
Thanks, guys.
That's a good question.
Wow, my God.
I really like that question.
I like the guy's energy.
He did.
He was confident, wasn't he?
Yeah, yeah.
At first, I was like, oh, fuck this.
But I think he was very confident.
He was a nice young man, too.
Should have thought about his hair a little bit before he fucking sent it over.
Didn't have any plans.
Yeah, no plans.
Also.
It has a shirt on backwards.
No, no, it's not backwards.
It's an NHL shirt.
That's a logo goes there, bro.
Oh, that's crazy.
But yeah, so anyway, looks like a good.
I will say this.
His eyebrows look like they're a little scared of each other.
Yeah.
But they're trying to get, you know, they look like they're trying to get over his ears.
Yeah, but they're going to figure it out.
And also, I'm just losing this fan here as we've hit.
Yeah, no, no, no, no.
But this is why you got to fucking, you got to tell the fans how it is, bro.
You got to tell it how it is.
You got to, man.
He's a great guy.
He's a young guy.
You don't know that, dude.
This guy could be one of the guys that fucking kill people.
You don't know that.
Literally could be his fucking somebody behind him just like this.
Literally.
That's true.
You think a murderer has ever stopped a murderer to watch one of our podcasts?
Yeah.
Yeah.
One of ours?
Yes, 100%.
You think there's somebody laying dead somewhere with our podcast just playing in the back?
I think somebody's been killed to our podcast while it was on.
Like American Psycho instead of Huey Lewis in the news.
They play Chris.
Just fucking over and over again, stabbed.
And I'm in the back just being like, you know, let's go to fucking Miss Connections in Sacramento.
Yeah.
And then they die.
And then like fucking after my podcast is like fucking pod save America or some bullshit.
It's another Logan Paul talking to a stripper.
That's a good question, man.
Will we ever do a tour?
Oh, it's about mullets.
I will say this.
I don't think I could pull a mullet off like you.
No way.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You've got the right look for it, but also I like it.
I like a mullet.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I would like to do maybe like a mohawk at some point.
Ooh.
That would be very cool.
But I think I got fucking, maybe I got a weird head.
I don't even know.
I haven't seen my head.
Dude, that's a risky movie.
I've never seen my head.
Would you ever go buzz cut?
That's insane.
Never seen my head.
Oh.
I've never seen my head.
I would never do a buzz cut.
Man, that's way scary.
You got to be a psychopath.
My head's like Braveheart.
I've never seen it.
Yeah, never seen it.
Never seen it.
Saw it once.
Saw both of them once.
I'll be honest.
Would never see them again.
Wow.
Yep.
Well, you guys can listen to congratulations, Pod.
I got my podcast.
Congratulations.
Love your podcast.
Love this past weekend.
Yeah, thanks for being here, man.
Yeah, that was one of the craziest things ever.
I remember watching when you walked onto the screen in our podcast, on this podcast, I was like, holy shit.
It's like seeing your teacher at the supermarket.
You're like, what are you doing here?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yep.
It's like seeing Mr. Af Roberts and Ralphs.
No way, dude.
It's weird as fuck.
You're like, oh, yeah, you got a real life.
I forgot.
You think of your teachers just like at the end of the class period, you're like, okay, and then they just buy and they close the door and they just fucking get in a bed and curl up and go to sleep.
It's like an apple next to them.
But they don't, bro.
They go fucking to the supermarket and shit.
They got families.
Yeah, you see what's in their cart.
You're like, what?
Weird.
Tuna fish.
Macaroni, bro.
Yeah.
You're nuts.
Where's your wife?
That was always a scary realized they didn't have a wife or something.
That's why I don't know who their wife is.
Their wife is always another teacher.
In like the different school, right?
That fucking doesn't seem right.
Mrs. App Roberts is in fucking Flintridge or some shit.
Yeah.
Things have really changed out here.
Chris Leah, thanks for coming by, man.
Thank you, man.
I had a fucking blast.
I love coming back.
I've been wanting to come back, so I'm happy.
Really?
Yeah.
I'm so grateful that you did, man.
Will you ever have other guests besides your brother on your podcast?
I don't know.
I only have my brother one time.
But if I do, yeah, you're first in line then.
Yeah, and I got him in the YouTube live chat on that.
It was fucking tripping him up.
Oh, I think I remember that.
Yeah, that's so funny.
I just called him Salvador Dolly like 30 times.
Some other stuff.
But that was pretty cool, though.
Was it fun having your brother on?
Yeah, he's dope.
Yeah, it's cool.
He's going to start a podcast.
Well, he actually started it.
He's just banking the episodes and releasing them.
His podcast is going to be fucking awesome.
Really?
I don't know if you would want me to talk about it or not, but it's fucking awesome.
He's got awesome guests.
Yeah, it's cool.
I can't wait to fucking hear it.
Have there been has anybody reached out yet about you being a superhero?
Like, because I know this is going to happen for you.
Like, I believe, like, I'm not joking about that.
Like, I know that you're going to be some sort of a superhero.
I don't know what the world will be in or if you could, I mean, you could even probably create your own universe of superheroes, I think.
That would be very cool.
Yeah, I would love to do that.
Because you could do that.
Yeah, no, I haven't been reached out for any superhero yet, but Zachary Levi DM'd me the other day, so we're getting close.
It's all it takes, man.
All it takes, bro.
All right, Crystalia, thank you so much for being here, man.
Thank you.
Now, I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking break and let myself all wine shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my story and I will find a song.
We'll be right back.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweetheart.
Please, Dale.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
you I mean I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry sorry sir but our ice cream machine is broken oh no *BEEP* I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
