Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ Theo is back from Bali and Australia to recap his trip and take some voicemails. This episode brought to you by… Chris Distefano Podcast Listen every Thursday wherever you find podcasts Omaha Steaks https://omahasteaks.com type PAST into search bar to receive Omaha Steaks Father’s Day Steak Fix package, valued at $235 dollars, for just $59.99 Free Fly https://freeflyapparel.com and use promo code TPW for 10% off Uncommon Apotheary https://UA-CBD.com and use code THEO for 10% off at checkout Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 Music “Every Night” by Jameson Flood https://soundcloud.com/jameson-flood Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis Gunt Squad www.patreon.com/theovon Name Aaron Jones Aaron Rasche Aaron Wayne Anselmi Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alexa harvey Andrea Gagliani Andrew Valish Angelo Raygun Anthony Schultz Arielle Nicole Ashley Konicki Audrey Harlan Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Bad Boi Benny Baltimore Ben Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Streit Bobby Hogan Brad Moody Brandon Hoffman Brandon Kirkman Bubba Hodge Carla Huffman Casey Roberts Charles Herbst Christina Christopher Stath Cody Cummings Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh COREY ASHMORE Crystal Dan Draper Dan Perdue Danielle Fitzgerald Danny Crook Danny Gill David Christopher David Smith Donald blackwell Doug Chee Drew Munoz Dusty Baker Evan Green Faye Dvorchak Felicity Black Ginger Levesque Grant Stonex Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia J.P. Jacob Rice Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter Jameson Flood Jason Price Jeffrey Lusero Jenna Sunde Jeremy Johnson Jeremy Siddens Jeremy Weiner Jim Floyd Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joel Henson Joey Piemonte John Kutch Johnathan Jensen Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan R Josh Cowger Josh Nemeyer Julie Ogden Justin Doerr Justin L justin marcoux Kaitlin Mak Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kiera Parr Kirk Cahill kristen rogers Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Laszlo Csekey Lauren Williams Lawrence Abinosa Leighton Fields Marisa Bruno Matt Kaman Meaghan Lewis Megan Daily Meghan LaCasse Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mike Poe Mona McCune Nick Butcher Nick Lindenmayer Nick Roma Nick Rosing Nikolas Koob Noah Bissell OK Passenger Shaming PF24 Gang Gang Qie Jenkins Quinn Hassan Rachael Edwards Rachel Warburton Randal Robert Mitchell Robyn Tatu Rohail Ryan Hawkins Ryan Walsh Sarah Anderson Scoot B. Scott Wilson Sean Scott Season Vaughan Secka Kauz Shane Pacheco Shannon potts Stefan Borglycke Suzanne O'Reilly Theo Wren Thomas Hunsell II Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Travis Simpson Tugzy Mills Tyler Harrington (TJ) Victor Montano Victor S Johnson II Vince Gonsalves William Reid Peters Zach Buckman Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Did you know that um well I don't know I don't know exactly but they said starfish uh could be gay I heard somewhere so I don't know what we're gonna do today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza Gray Block get that hitter today's episode is brought to
you by the one and only Comedy Central Comedy Central has your new favorite podcast and it's called stand-up with Chris DeStefano every week Chris and his producer will be listening to and discussing some of the greatest stand-up of all time from classic bits out of comedy central's library to jokes from today's hottest up-and-coming
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just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be so far from my home amen hello there and my mind is somewhere else but when I find it I'll patch up where it's been thrown now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be called to
stone but when I reach that ground I'll share this piece of mind I found I can feel it but it's gonna take for me to snap them on now and
tell you the story is just for you and that is you know shine by bishop gunner grateful to them uh for being alive in the same time period as we are or
as I am anyway I can't speak for you but oh and you think about that what if you were in some people you might not get to know somebody because they born at a different time period think about that think about that oh do you know uh you know Carol you know little Carol and
people are like oh I don't know her yeah because she was born in 1804 oh well then yeah don't know her think about that what about big Samuel you know big Samuel with the braids he got the French braids and he you know he always selling bags of yeast down there by the river you know yeasty Sam uh no
I don't where's he from oh you know he's from uh you know by the riverbanks uh no when how old is he like oh he's about 25 you know he was born in in 1834 oh well don't know him can't know him and it says wow what if what if your best friend you know isn't even born yet they're gonna be born in
two years and you and you so you missing out because y'all's time isn't synced up think about that you so next thing you know you milling around a preschool and people like hey you know hey hey hey hey hey judy hey junior what you doing out here by the preschool and judy says oh well you know little uh little
cecilia right there the four-year-old i think we got vibes you know friendship vibes you know buddies you know you know vajuddies you know teamwork team tits hashtaggers you know friendship and they're like oh nah you know you 25 years older than her so you can't hang out here gonna call the police you know timing is
so important that you know timing is important and that you never know sometimes you might miss your best friend because you the timing wasn't right you know you might be your best friend might be four and you might be 61 but y'all you know and now and now you can't even be friends with somebody because the law says it's fucked up or
the law says it's wrong.
It's wrong if a senior citizen wants to be buddies with a seven-year-old, with somebody that's in second grade and wants to hang out with them on the weekends or whatever and do cigarettes or whatever.
It's interesting.
Timing, how important it is.
I'll tell you about this timing.
So I just crossed the international date line and I thought it was going to be a really good episode hosted by Lester Holt, but it isn't.
It is a line.
Let me research it for you real quick.
International Date Line.
Here's what it is.
It was established in 1884.
It passes through the mid-Pacific Ocean and follows 180 degrees longitude north-south line on the Earth.
So that means it's up and down.
It's long.
It's top to bottom.
You know, it's a horizontal, no, it's vertical line.
It's located halfway around the world from the prime meridian.
And when you cross it, the day changes.
Well, it's an imaginary line.
Also, it's not really real.
So you can't get out there and, you know, you're not going to see a big Twizzler running from the North Pole to the South Pole or something.
You're not going to see any buoys or anything like that or, you know, a guy out there with a whistle pointing, you know, Thursday this way, Wednesday that way.
You know, it's just, it's where the day changes.
Anyway, I crossed it when I flew to Australia and back.
And I'm now back here in the U.S. on U.S. soil.
And I'm back here in, I'm in a new studio.
We're in a new studio.
So if you're on the YouTubes, you know, this is different.
It's different in here.
We have more space.
Hello?
Might sound different in the back when I yell hello and nobody's listening.
So just, you know, some changes going on.
I walked in, I'm nervous.
You know, I'm nervous.
I walk in and in my mind, it's like, oh, well, it's just going to be, it's going to feel suddenly like home and it's going to be, you know, nothing, everything will be kind of set up and everything will be, but it's, you know, we have a couch that, you know, premature Nick, he got it.
On it, you know, so we have some furniture.
We got a chair.
We have a couple bags.
I had some croissants somebody had that are empty now from the coffee bean.
A couple C bags, couple croissant bags.
And we have a lot of empty space and a lot of possibility.
Those are the things that we have in here.
So yeah, just a lot going on at the second.
You know, being in a new place, getting home, having to come into the into the studio and decide, okay, do I want to be confident when I get in here?
You know, because Nick's here, Gianni is here with their new movie.
His new movie is out now, the movie Ma, MA, and go see it.
It's basically like, it's like fraternities meet, kind of interracial dating, I think is what it is.
It's kind of like, you know, what is that called?
It's like Kappa Apartheid Alpha Omega or something like that.
It's like, yeah, it's just, you know, it's got kind of a, I heard it's really good.
It's scary.
We'll see.
I'm going to go check it out.
But we're definitely excited that, you know, to support him and be supportive of him.
But yeah, man, I got in here and I just did it.
I was like, man, okay, do I be nervous?
Do I just be confident?
Do I walk in here and act like, okay, I know everything we're going to do?
And, you know, Nick and Johnny had already been here.
They moved stuff in, so they've had a little more acquaintance.
And they were just excited.
They were excited about the opportunity.
And so, you know, I just tried to ride their excitement because honestly, just a little bit scared, I guess.
You know, like taking on new responsibility.
The rent in here is twice as much.
You know, the walls don't look the same.
Not to mention the other place is gone.
You know, the other studio is not, you know, everything's out of there.
So it's, I mean, it still exists like in a location inside of us, but and in our memory and in time, but it doesn't exist the same anymore right now.
And so we're here.
We're in something new.
It's like we're traveling.
Like when a baby comes out the body.
You know, when a baby comes out the body, they got, think about all of that.
First, the baby's been in there getting jacked up on it, you know, on that mom sauce, whatever mom's been having.
Sweet potatoes, chocolate pickles, a little bit of freaking gin, you know, maybe a little bit of Von Meyer's rum or something at night, especially if it's wintertime, a little bit of that, you know, what is that, egg batter and cognac or whatever, the eggnog.
So the baby, you know, when they decide to leave the womb, they really, that's a brave move.
Because it's basically, they're just, they're in there laying up in there.
It's like being at the Hampton Inn.
But the room kind of, you know, but nobody's, the maid hadn't come and cleaned your room in a while.
And they got a lot of, you know, they got, when you're the baby, you're in that little Hampton Inn inside of your mother.
And they got the fessies Over there, and they got the, you know, just a bunch of pizza hut little, you know, boxes from all the snacks you've been having.
You got to go.
And then you, you know, you slide out of your mother out into the world, and it's a new experience.
And that's where we are right now in this new experience.
So, yeah, just nervous, excited for the opportunity, hopeful.
I think I had a moment where I was like, oh, wow, I'm part of like a, you know, I really have to be more part of a team right now than I'm just, you know, because I need, I need help.
I need help from my coworkers.
And I'm just, you know, I'm grateful to have them.
Man, I just got back from Australia and I just, I got to say it was amazing.
The last show, they had 3,000 people in Brisbane, Brisbane, Australia.
And man, I can't, I'm trying to think of like what it feels.
I just, I don't know.
It feels like you can't thank everybody enough.
It feels like, you know, you walk out there.
I felt like damn Joel Austin out there.
You know, I felt like I wish I had a big water gun full of holy water and just, you know, just filling people's mouths up from 50 yards away.
You know, just pressure washing the devil off of people.
It was just, you know, it was like a big, it was just, it was interesting.
And then it's hard to tell if people are laughing as much when it's in a big space, but I got such a great response just from people over social media.
And then we went to the koala park and saw the koalas and saw the kangaroos.
And if you've never seen a kangaroo, they, it's like, it's like when they, it's kind of like the first time somebody tells you, oh, that's your cousin or your second cousin, or they introduce you to your uncle that you never met.
You're like, damn.
Uncle Ronnie got some short arms and a big ass, you know?
Oh, dang.
You know, Uncle Ronnie's out there eating leaves off of the shrubbery.
Like, damn.
It made me, I was shocked that they're species.
I was shocked that we all have, you know, atoms in us that are similar because a kangaroo is like something, you know, it's basically a kangaroo is like the El Camino of the animal kingdom.
It is the, it is the, uh, it's got a fucking, it's got a, I don't know what it is.
It's got like a dragon tail.
It's got that, it's got the body of a, um, kind of like a thick girl, like a real thick bitch that likes to fight, you know, kind of like a thick girl that doesn't, you know, that likes to thumb wrestle real heavily with others.
And it, and then it's got the head of like a kind of a dog, like a doberman, like a lean doberman that's on keto diet, sugar-free doberman, that SFD.
And it's, it just, it blows your mind.
You're like, holy shit, this is an animal now?
And that's Australia.
It's got unique animals.
It's got unique animals.
And you know what?
One thing I loved about Australia, I'll say this.
Australia is, if there's a country that I've visited that I could go easily see myself to live in, it would be Australia.
And one of the things that I loved is that they still have a strong sense of being Australian, it feels like.
It felt like to me.
This is my perception.
And at the airport, you could still go say bye to your loved ones or you could meet somebody at the gate.
So it was just really beautiful because you still see like a lot of like what it means to travel and be somewhere new.
Like in America, you can't see that anymore.
I remember when I was young, your mom could walk you to the gate and watch you cry in the little tunnel as you flew off to meet grandma.
And that's natural.
You know, if you're a child and you're about to fly four hours to see some senior citizens, I mean, that'll bring a tear to anybody's eye.
And especially if your step-grandfather is addicted to Marlborough Reds and he does them indoors and shit, and you can't eat, you know.
So right after dessert, right after a couple cups of pudding at grandma's, you got to sit there and get that secondhand smoke off of Poppy.
But yeah, man, one of the things about that is when you see people hug at the gate and you see people like say goodbye to each other at the gate, like you could in Australia, you see like human affection, you see human interaction, and it makes you kind of, it gives like more of a meaning to what travel is.
And so I saw, I would see that at the different place.
And we flew, I think, to, I think we had maybe seven flights or six flights within the country once we got there.
And you're like, oh, wow, this is, oh, yeah, this person is coming to see someone.
This person is leaving someone they care about.
And it just, it reminded me of that time in the U.S. when you could do that.
You could go to the gate and greet somebody and greet a loved one.
You didn't have to have a ticket.
You could still be there to see them come or to see them go.
And I miss that.
It just added so much more meaning to travel.
It added so much more meaning to coming and going.
Because you saw others, you know, just to see somebody say goodbye to someone.
It's like, oh, wow, that's human interaction.
That's connection.
To see somebody give a kiss to somebody that they, you know, maybe they're not going to see them for, you know, a couple weeks or a couple months or who knows how long.
And in your mind, you process, oh, I wonder if they, you know, if this is their first time, this ever, their first weekend that they ever hung out And it was great, and now one of them's leaving, or if they've been together for years and one of them's leaving, you get to see a kid get to the gate and run up, and his uncle is there to give him a big hug, and you know, or the grandpa or the grandpa and grandma are there.
See him hug the baby and lift up the baby for the first time.
You get to see that, and it just, you know, I think that's, to me, that's when something happened in America years ago when something changed a lot was right around that time.
And I feel like that was after 9-11 when that things just got a lot stricter and a lot more serious.
And we started to take out some of the things that reminded us of how human we are.
But that's one thing I loved about Australia was seeing that.
That's one of the, honestly, my favorite things about the country was just seeing that.
Getting to see that at the airports when we get in and when we'd leave.
It was just, I don't know.
I liked it.
You know, I liked just seeing, I liked seeing humans be able to, I don't know, just express some of their feelings and have a space to do that.
Or just, I don't know.
I just, it reminded me that I was human a little bit more.
It reminded me that I was amongst others.
Just seeing connection and seeing, it just, I don't know.
It was something different.
It was something I wasn't used to.
You know, I saw some exotic animals, but one of the most exotic things I saw was people displaying human interaction in public at the airport flight gates.
What else was my experience like?
Man, I just have so much going through my head right now.
Like, I can't even tell you just being in this place and just a lot, a lot of cool stuff.
But thank you so much to everybody.
You know, we went to Perth.
I don't know if you've been to Perth or not in Australia, but it's basically somebody, you know, it almost looked like it went out of business and then they just restarted it back up.
And we went to Brisbane.
Where else?
Oh, we went to Adelaide.
That was wild.
It was like kind of a sleepy town.
I couldn't tell what place was kind of like what.
Like, if, okay, if this city's more like Chicago or if this city's more like New York or if this city's more like Tampa.
I think I needed more time.
People think a lot of times that the trip when you're touring, doing a show is that it's like vacation.
It's not.
It's work.
You know, it's a lot of come and go.
And I just want to thank so many nice people reached out and brought gifts.
There's still a couple gifts that people brought me to the last show that I haven't even opened up yet.
Some nice t-shirts.
Some MMA guys came and one of them had a move called the Hard Scarf that, you know, this guy in my neighborhood used to put people in.
Somebody wore a R.I.P.
Billy Confarto shirt.
It was next level, man.
It was next level.
I just can't believe it.
I'm like, how did all these people know that I was coming?
I mean, I know they know because like the podcast and because of social media, but it just doesn't, it didn't add up really into my head like that this many people would would be here.
And so I just want to say thank you.
And we did it.
You know, we did it.
You know, that's one thing I'm realizing when I walk on that stage and that there's people out there is that we did this.
And that if you are somebody who is wondering if you can do something that you want to do, I'm not like preaching at you or anything, but honestly, man, I've doubted myself every step along the way, I've doubted myself.
And I still doubt myself.
But I have not, but I'm...
from But I haven't really stopped my feet from moving forward.
You know, and I'm not telling you that to pre-teach or anything.
I'm just trying to find a way to share some of my experience in case there's somebody like me who wonders, well, what do I do?
You know, if I want to chase a dream or do this or do that.
And there's a little voice inside of you, whatever it is, that will tell you the right thing to do next.
Or it'll convince you from time to time.
And sometimes that little voice might even be the voice of somebody outside of you that catches your frequency.
And yeah, just, I don't know.
I think I'm sounding kind of preachy.
I'll tell you this, though.
A couple weeks ago, this company, Free Fly Apparel, sent me some snazzy shirts.
And I mean snazzy.
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Sounds like somebody might get electrocuted.
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It's surprisingly comfortable.
In fact, it makes you feel like you're wrapping yourself in a little bit of Costa Rica or something exotic.
But so soft.
You're like, is this bamboo?
Is this shampoo?
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Oh, let's take a call.
Actually, you know what?
I want to talk about this.
I was, man, on this past tour, you know, I was out of town for three weeks and I want to thank you guys for putting up with everything while we were out of the studio.
And, you know, it's one thing I noticed was I was, I was, you know, they had a tour manager, so a tour manager.
So somebody like kind of meets you along the tour and takes you, you know, like takes you from one city to the next and just make sure you kind of know what's going on in each place, especially since it's international.
And I realized, like, I found myself getting real antsy with the tour management group.
And they were great.
I just noticed about myself, like, man, I would get real short with them.
When I'd see them in the morning, I would be like, just like a, just kind of like a cranky kid.
And I was thinking, like, what the fuck is going on, man?
Like, I don't behave this way.
What is going on?
And I started to realize it took me, man, it took me probably the first four cities.
I think they didn't really know what, like, by the end of the day, I would be nicer.
But in the beginning, I was just so, like, I was just short with people.
I wouldn't look them in the eyes.
And I wasn't, like I was being mean.
I was being mean, right?
But I wasn't doing it on purpose.
I was just uncomfortable.
I just didn't feel good.
And I knew that I was not feeling good.
I just didn't know what to do.
And I started to realize that I don't like, I don't like it when people have to help me.
Like, I don't like getting help from other people.
You know, I want to do stuff on my own.
Like, I can do it.
That's what I think to myself.
I don't need help.
I can do this.
You know, I don't want anybody to help me.
You know, I don't need anybody.
I can do it better or I can do it.
I can do it.
And I'm just kind of talking about that because, you know, I needed help.
I just didn't want to admit it.
I didn't want to, I don't know.
I was just, I've just always been so used to doing things for myself that I didn't want to say that I couldn't do them for myself or that I wanted to even let somebody else have the opportunity to help me.
I didn't want anybody to have the opportunity to help me.
Because if you help me, then somehow that's like a weakness of mine.
If you help me, then it shows me that I'm capable of connecting, then I'm in a weakness.
Because I'm trying to get these words right.
If I let you help me, why don't I like people helping me?
Because I can do it myself.
And if you realize that I, and if I let you see that I can't do it myself, or if I let you help me, then it, I'm just trying to get these, I'm trying to get my feelings hooked to my words.
Sorry if this kind of all over the place, but this is just something that's really been really, really hit me on this trip because I never had this type of experience.
You know, I just didn't want to look people in the eyes.
I didn't want to, like, if I needed, like, if you were helping me, I didn't want you to see the look in my eyes that showed that I knew you were helping me.
I was keeping that to myself.
Like, I just didn't want, I didn't want to be someone who needs help because to me, it was like a weakness.
You know, it was like it gave you like an ability to connect with me that I just wasn't ready for.
You know, I'm fine with being friends.
I'm fine with joking around.
I'm fine with having fun.
But when it came to a moment where I needed you because you knew something that I didn't or that you couldn't, when it came to a moment where I was going to show you that I couldn't help myself or that that was a moment I just couldn't do.
I couldn't do those moments where it looked like I couldn't fend for myself.
I don't know.
I know some of that's all over the place and I'm sorry, but I was really just trying to figure it out.
I just don't like that.
You know, I like to be able to do things.
I'm just so used to it.
Like, I think at a level, even inside of me, in the fabric of me, like in the stitching of my core.
You know, I think I just realized at a certain point in my life, you know, at a youthful point that or something, or even when I was a zygote, that I'm going to have to do this myself.
And that's what I'm going to do.
And so I'm never not going to do that.
It's almost like I made a deal with myself.
Like, I'm never not going to do this myself.
And so now that the touring gets a little different and people are on board and people are helping, it's like it's really tough for me to let somebody help me.
That's one thing I've kind of realized.
It's really, really tough for me to let somebody help me.
And I almost have an adverse reaction to it.
Because if I show you that I need help from you, then that means that it gives you an ability to connect with me.
And that's scary to me, I think.
So that's why I think, I don't know, some of this stuff I need to do a little bit of work on and think about, but it was just something that was heavily on my mind.
So I wanted to share it with you guys.
But thank you so much to everybody in Australia that came out.
I'm happy to be back home.
I have some jet lag.
I just literally about seven minutes ago just got hit by jet lag pretty heavy, which is a tough, tough thing to try and explain how you're feeling at the same time.
And I'm sorry for taking you guys down that wormhole, but I just don't.
I wish I knew exactly what I was thinking more.
But man, I just, it really, it really hurts me somewhere to admit that I need help or to admit that I'm not doing something by myself.
You know, it just makes me feel scared.
It's a scary thing.
And I didn't know that until I was on this experience.
And I'm in another country and, you know, there's a group of people that are helping out and they're helping.
And I'm just, I was so upset and I couldn't figure out why.
And I wasn't upset with the audience or like the shows.
There wasn't anything like that.
It was all just, you know, behind the scenes.
And so I'm grateful that the tour manager and their company put up with me for a couple of days while I figured it out.
And then I started going to some different 12-step meetings and it helped me kind of calm down and get into a better space.
But anyway, enough about that, man.
I want to take a couple of calls that came in.
Here we go.
Yo, Theo, man, this is Christian calling from Ohio.
What's up, Christian?
Over there in Ohio.
Thank you for calling, man.
Onward.
I am 40 years old, and you said something not that long ago.
You said something like, I'm afraid to let myself grow up with the things, without the things I always wanted because they're not there.
And it made me think a lot.
And I was like, wow, there's a lot of things that I thought I would have by the time I was 40. There were things that I thought I would do.
And I tried to understand if there was something that was a bucket of item, but I never really thought.
I don't know.
I feel like it was something I would have to work a long time to be able to do one tonight.
And, yeah, man, I just wanted to give it a shot.
So tonight, we got about five minutes.
And yeah, man, I'm going to give it a go.
So I want to thank you for the inspiration and the laughs and all that.
So, yeah.
Word, man.
Well, thank you for calling in with that, dude.
Good luck with that first time.
Wow.
Yeah, look, I think sometimes it's like, you know, we create these stories, we have these stories that get built into us that we can't do certain things.
You know, I was just talking with a friend of mine yesterday, you know, she's going on a vacation and she just spent, you know, like $5,000 to go on a vacation, which is a big sum of money.
And it's a vacation that, you know, and she said, you know, I just, I never knew if I could, she's like, as I'm spending the money, she's like, something felt wrong about it.
And she's like, I was, it felt wrong because I was spending the money on something that I wanted to do for myself and not spending the money on just some like, oh, you have to save for this or you have to save for that or you have to have this savings plan.
Or it was like, it was, it was like against the norm.
It was just me spending money on something that I wanted for myself.
Even a good experience, like travel.
Like you can't just up and travel for a month.
And she's like, yes, I can.
She's like, and as I did it, it just felt so wrong.
But at the same time, it just felt so kind of perfect.
Like, oh, this is what I'm supposed to do.
This is, I'm supposed to do things that I want to do in the world.
I'm supposed to do new experiences.
I'm not just supposed to save every dime and put it away in this shoebox or put it away for this and have safekeeping and never try the things I always wanted to try.
And it really hit me.
I was like, wow, that's so interesting.
Yeah, when you spend money on something that you kind of want sometimes, especially like a thing like travel or a musical instrument or doing something that you've always wanted to do, but that's out of the societal norm, it feels foreign almost to us.
Because sometimes we get built into this world where it's like, oh, this is the next thing.
Oh, you go finish school, then you go to college, then you get this, and then you get a job, and then you get another job.
And then it's like, well, what if we didn't do it that way?
What if one day I just said to my boss, hey, I'm going to go for a month and travel, which is what my friend is doing.
You know, she said, I'm going to go for a month and travel.
And then I bought the ticket.
And next thing you know, I feel like I'm wandering out into a whole different world of interaction with life than I have been previously because I'm doing something that I want to do.
But yeah, like you said, it's like you think it can take, you know, you thought stand up was something you had to try, you know, work at for a long time just to get up and even try.
Dude, I remember I drove across the causeway about 30 miles.
I've been upset my whole life that my dad was so old when I was born.
And I've been making fun of him in my head to make me feel okay about him being so old.
And then I just stood up on stage and started telling jokes about it.
And so it was just, you know, it's, and everybody has their own experience, but getting up and talking about something that's just been running around in your head, you know, a lot of the work for trying to stand up has already been done.
You've been alive.
That's the research.
The research for doing stand-up and the practice is being alive.
Now, the repetition is something that takes, you know, time, but the ability for you to do it, to have the gunpowder, that's already packed inside of you.
And the microphone, that's just the flint, and that's what's going to light it.
But let's hear the rest of your call.
Thank you for calling in, Christian.
Yeah, man, great.
I wanted to thank you and share the fact that I'm going to get up on stage later today and either shit myself or make some people laugh.
Gang, brother, and I hope it went good.
Let's take another call here.
Here we go.
The hotline, as always, is 985-664-9503.
What's up, Theo?
You know, my name's Kate.
I've been seeing a girl for about a year and a half now.
What's up, Kate?
Thank you for calling.
You've been seeing a girl for a year and a half.
That's a long time these days.
That's almost like a first marriage, homeward.
And we've been on and off, so we were never truly official, and I guess maybe that's partially my fault, and I could admit that.
But basically, what's happened here is about three weeks ago, I finally asked this girl to be my girlfriend.
There you go, boy.
You sliding into that deal, deal, deal.
Oh, you want that?
Oh, would you be my boyfriend, my girlfriend?
Let's hear more.
And she said yes, which is awesome.
But my best friend let me know that he hooked up with this girl about a month and a half ago when we weren't officially together.
So I'm dealing with this whirlwind of emotions, feeling mad, feeling sad, feeling betrayed, and not really sure what to do.
And it does seem like it was a mistake that they both regret.
But I just feel hurt, man.
And I'm trying to figure out how to move forward with this.
So do you have any advice?
Is the path to forgiveness the right way to go?
Gang gang, you're the man.
Gang gang, bruh.
I'm barely a man.
By genetic coding only, man, the rest of me.
It's hit or miss some days, dude, because I can be a real badge.
You know, this makes me think, okay, when I was in school, when I was in high school, I was in love with this girl.
She had been seeing some guy before me that she lost her virginity to, right?
And you know what I'm saying?
Some girls, you know, they lose their virginity and then you come along and you take their West virginity.
And that's usually, you know, B-hole sex.
That's the B-hole deal is their West virginity.
But anyway, that was just kind of a joke.
But what I'm saying is this, man, I never got over the fact that she had already hooked up with some other guy before we got together.
I never got over it.
I always let it just fester on me.
And just this weird jealousy, it gave me a thing to be angry about.
And in the end, that shit was all about me, man.
It had nothing to do with her.
This girl had just been living her life.
And the guy that she'd hooked up with, I actually really liked that guy.
And he was a friend of mine.
And when you're young, it's hard to not be jealous.
But I would just say, fucking man, at least two people, at least you know you're in the right ballpark.
Because if they've already hooked up, then you're really the missing link.
You know, it's like, oh, if you're friends with one of them and you like the other one, you know, I think you could probably get past it pretty quick.
I would just, you know, it's really going to be super, it's going to be, the move is to get past it.
It's going to be super macho of you.
And you don't even need to tell them you forgive them.
Just you got to do it inside of yourself, I think.
You know, that's what I wish I would have done.
Now, what I did, here's something else you could do.
What I did was hold it against the girl, bring it up all the time when we were drunk, fight about it, cry about it in the front yard, cry about it in the backyard.
You could go my route.
And you might not be rewarded.
I mean, it's a painful route to go.
You end up laying on your back out in the street in the middle of the night, smoking menthols, bruh.
Smoking them fucking a pack of Winston menthols, limited editions.
110s, dude.
You ever smoked a pack of 110 mentholes, dog?
Come on, boy.
Dude, the thing so, the cherry so big on the end of those cigarettes, damn, mosquitoes show up for it.
That thing's wild.
So I would say, yeah, man.
I'd go that forgiveness route and be that big dog.
Be the big dog.
You still got the best friend.
You still got the girl.
So they hooked up one time.
Oh, well, you know, do whatever you got to do.
and if you got to years later, maybe if the guy, you know, maybe years from now, the guy, you know, you have an opportunity, you know, maybe he breaks up with a girl and you hook up with her, and then y'all are even if you want to, you know, do it Games of Thrones style.
But otherwise, I just let it ride, man.
You know, you just don't want to miss out on the opportunity for a good relationship with a girl because of some jealousy.
Especially if your dude isn't like, you know, still trying to holler at her.
I think that's the move.
But also, bro, fuck do I know, son?
But gang, man, be good to yourself.
You know, what I was thinking was this, man.
I'd love to know a lot of guys.
You know, we did this a couple years ago.
A lot of girls or guys, if you want to hit the hotline with this, we can put some of these calls in.
The first time you touch somebody's crotch, you know, of the opposite sex.
Or it could also even be your own crotch, that OC.
The first time, you know, we had a woman a couple years ago.
She called in and the first time a guy touched her little, you know, that little, you know what I'm talking about, that little Vietnamese hot pocket, you feel me?
That Vegino was in a refrigerator box, in an empty refrigerator box out back in the garage.
And everybody has a secret, a sexy little story like that.
You know, you snuggled up in a refrigerator box with a young lover and they touch your crotch for the first time.
Because, dude, I remember when I was young, bro.
My crotch was like the center of the universe, boy.
I mean, they would have a falcon would come and land on my crotch at night and look out over the lands, you know?
Your crotch was the only thing.
Remember during purity, bro?
Your crotch was the nucleus of the universe.
You'd have people lining up outside of your crotch looking for bread or milk and bread.
Your crotch was everything.
If a fly went by your crotch, you freaking shuddered a little bit.
It just, you had so much energy.
All your hormones was crowded up in your crotch.
Like there was, you know, like 30 people stuck in a fucking church van or something.
The energy.
Remember that?
So hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
We'll put some of those FTCSs on, those first-time crotch stories on the next episode.
And I don't do that to be gross, and I don't want you to leave a gross message, please.
But I do want you to just tell me about the feelings, the experience you had.
The first time, where was it?
You know, I know a buddy of mine, the pizza delivery guy had been drinking, and he went off the road, crashed his car, and then he was in a, he had a little dementia, and he walked away from the pizza vehicle.
And my buddy and his girl, they snuck up in there on a second date and touched each other's junk out there off of Lee Road.
So everybody has a neat story.
Imagine that.
The first time you get in a handful of that Judy Judy and they got a faint smell of fucking pepperoni in the air.
I mean, Jesus Christ, bro.
Is it Christmas?
It should be.
Come in.
Come in.
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Onward.
Hey, man.
Love your podcast, Theo.
Love what you do.
Thank you, brother.
And I appreciate you calling in today, man.
And almost happy Early Fathers down there that's coming up.
I'm not sure if you're a father, but you could be.
I think you're just the greatest storyteller of this time.
Well, that's nice of you to say that, man.
You know, we don't do much to keep stories alive anymore.
You know, I feel like they're dying.
You know, I feel like a lot of people don't care what the story is in media these days.
They just want to just put out something quick and easy.
And even stories have become clickbait.
And so I'm just, I feel very blessed to have the gift to even tell a story.
But thank you for the nice words.
Onward.
But anyway, my name's Dylan.
I'm from Florence, Alabama.
I work for the railroad, and a lot of times I'm a conductor.
So a lot of times we get on the train, you know, we get to go different places and stuff like that.
One of the places we go is Memphis, Tennessee, or Memphis, as some people would call it, you know.
Oh, yeah, and that's Memphis.
And they used to have, if you drove outside of Memphis about an hour, you could go to Graceland too.
And they had a man out there doing Graceland.
I guess, you know, he got upset that Elvis had done it and he said, well, damn, I'm going to do my own.
And you go there at night.
And me and two of my friends went there one night and the man wasn't there.
You could knock on his door and he would take you on a tour museum of his own house.
And it was all Elvis memorabilia.
It's called Graceland 2. And what happened was we went there and my friend got bit by a damn huge fucking dog showed up and bit my friend.
And it was a black dog or black and brown.
So I don't know.
I mean, it's not, it has nothing to do with it.
But yeah, we had to take my buddy to the hospital and all kinds of shit.
So we never got to go inside.
But anyway, let's hear more.
It's a pretty rough area there, man.
And, you know, it's one of those places where if you don't know where you are in Memphis, you might not need to stop at the gas station.
Oh, yeah.
If you don't know where you are in Memphis, you might be dead.
I don't know if you've seen 48 hours, but a lot of that, the first 48, sorry.
And it's about people in Memphis shooting each other.
And then the cops kind of don't know who it is, but they know who it is.
Let's hear more.
Some places there, they call the gas stations murder marts.
Damn.
Well, the barbecue chips.
Boy, you better get your chips quick, son.
So, but anyway, I just want to know what you think.
If you've ever been to Memphis, what you think about the area and stuff like that.
But anyway, gang gang, brother.
Gang gang, man.
I mean, I think you have a lot of cities in America where they have, you know, some of the crime problem has gotten a little bit out of hand in specific areas.
You know, Memphis is one of those places where you're getting a lot of crime.
You know, places you see a lot of poverty, you know, you have a lot of it.
Places where you see also a lot of poverty in black community, you have a lot of crime, you know, because over time it's been one of the more impoverished.
You know, and also they have a lot of like a lot of gangsters and that sort of thing.
And, you know, you see a lot of those guys with, you know, also, you know, making like guns and murder and that type of stuff look cool.
So I think that's something you probably have in Memphis is a lot of that.
You know, in New Orleans, they have it.
Chicago has it.
New Orleans, it seems to be getting real bad.
Or just the newspapers say that it is.
If you go to NOLA.com, it just seems to be something that happens in some of these communities where it's hard to, it's like, how do you eradicate this problem?
I think some of it is time.
You know, as you get, you know, as more opportunity, you have more opportunity in a lot of different for different, you know, for different ethnicities in America, more opportunity to make money, then you'll see, you know, more comfortable lifestyles where it won't be as much, you know, as much crime and as much poverty.
But yeah, I think sometimes the onus could also be taken on by some of these individual communities.
It's like, you know, it would be, you know, it's like, how does, how do you stop this kind of stuff within these communities?
It's like, I would love, you know, and maybe this does happen.
I just don't see it.
It's like, how do you stop like black on black violence?
Like, you know, it's scary sometimes to, I remember growing up in Louisiana, it would be scary sometimes to have a black friend because a lot of black guys got murdered.
And you just would read about it every day on the newspaper, see it on the news.
Like, damn, man, that's scary.
You know, it, and then I think it's not, it gives a scary vibe to, you know, I can't even imagine dude being a young black guy in some of those places would be scary.
And look, I'm sure it's all types of ethnicities and it's all types of people and stuff.
So I don't even know what I'm talking about.
But I think over time, some of that will go away.
But some of it is, it's just like we got to, you know, like if we if we continue to champion this sort of like that it's cool to be like a gangster and that kind of shit, then I don't know if that kind of stuff gets helped.
You know, some of it's a culture thing.
Some of it's a like what's cool.
But then also it might be fun as fuck to be a straight up gangster, bruh.
Be running around at night playing, you know, you know, all the kids who have two parents and a little bit of cash, they're inside playing modern warfare.
And the kids who's out there struggling, those dudes are out there fucking running, ducking over by the murder mark, trying to drink a fucking get through all 32 ounces before they go to that big gulp in the sky.
The Lord, before they go see the Lord, it's the freaking murder mark.
But all aboard, bruh.
You know, I get that bulletproof train, son.
Get that bulletproof glass on the front of the train all aboard.
But yeah, Memphis, fuck, dude.
First 48 gives a bad vibe to that city in the sense that you just, everybody's shooting at each other over there, it always seems like.
But yeah, I think sometimes that's a community problem where it's like, how do you, you know, like, you know, it's, it's everybody's problem, but it's also, it's like within certain communities, you have some things that just, after a while, seems like, are these things going to go away?
Or maybe they are going away and the media just keeps playing them up and acting like they aren't, you know, I don't know.
I wish I kind of knew more sometimes, but, you know, the fuck do I know, man?
Let's hear another call.
Here we go.
Hey, CO.
My name's Kyle Locke.
I'm from Seattle, Washington.
What's up, Kyle?
And I'll be up there in two weeks up there in Seattle.
Onward?
I just wanted to talk to you about Bali.
Me and my fiancé are going there for our honeymoon at the end of July.
Oh, man, that's awesome.
Well, that's exciting to hear that you guys have a honeymoon coming up and that you guys have each other.
You guys are going to get to be over there.
And it's really, I think, romantic.
That's one thing I wish I'd have had when I'd have been there was just a romance.
You know, I didn't have a romance.
They had a guy that brought breakfast over to my place in the morning, a little guy, you know, a beautiful guy named Dewa.
And he seemed hella chill and, you know, good with the eggs, good with the omeletry.
And he bring that through and roll through it at Ahuacates, you know, the Mavos.
So, gang.
Getting married on July 4th.
So I just wanted to see what you thought about Bali, man.
I know I heard a little bit on your last podcast.
You said that it was like really good people and those dogs with the big ass balls.
But yeah, man, if you could, you know, let me know what the heck you really liked about it, whether the food or the culture, the people.
I'm ready to get my travel on.
So, gang, gang, I love what you're doing over there.
You're all open about your feelings and everything like that.
I appreciate that.
Well, thank you, man.
I'm excited for you guys.
You guys got engaged.
You're getting married in July, man.
You're heading over there.
What a great.
I mean, this is just going to be probably one of the best summers of your life, you know?
Or not bet.
I mean, it will be a great summer.
You know, it will be like an amazing summer.
It'll be a special summer.
That's what I mean.
You know, it'll be a special summer.
It's summertime, man.
Anything could happen in the summer.
The sun gets hot.
The sun puts on sunglasses.
That's when you know the parties start.
Girls, you'll see a girl, you know, maybe she didn't even have any breasts before.
Now she got a little bit of breasts.
Maybe your buddy even shows up with a couple of freaking couple of bee coops, boy, on them.
You know what I'm saying?
Oh, breasty Jeff rolls up.
You're like, damn.
Jeff got them milky front pieces.
And anything can happen.
It's summertime.
Sand castles.
You know, somebody hides a bottle of fucking, you know, raspberry schnapps out there in a fucking sand dune.
And you guys getting liquored up.
And you out there talking about witchcraft and touching each other's junk over there.
Over there in the saltwater off of Perdido Bay.
Anything can happen.
You know, you might be out there, you might, they might have a girl who puts her mouth on the ground and suck a crustacean right out one of them ditch crawfish right out the damn ditch bank and who knew that would get you erect just watching that watching a girl you know just face take a crustacean you know watching a girl just just face take a damn shrimp right out of the earth with her lung power it's beautiful i mean anything could happen it's summer
summer solstice summer uh summer slam dude wrestlers are excited they're fucking slamming each other i mean it's summertime and anything can happen man but i'm glad you guys are getting that marriage you're going to be over in bali i recommend it i recommend you stay in changu or you get even more rural than changu that's where i was seminac seems a little too too much going on you can get out into uh
if you really want to be by the beach just find a more rural place i think as long as you get like a little villa or something the more rural the better but the people are so kind you're going to really be able to relax you know i would try to keep my phone off as much as possible and just do your best to uh to spend time together.
I think it sounds like you guys are really going to knock it out of the park.
You know, you could rent scooters, but I also enjoy just getting, you know, a little scooter and getting on somebody's back and holding on to somebody you don't know, taking a chance.
You know, it's the closest I've been to a successful relationship really was jumping on the back of a scooter and not, I don't even know if it was a man or woman in the helmet and just, you know, and just riding with them, taking a chance, man.
So, but yeah, fresh fruit, you know, just drink bottle of water, you know, that drill.
Yeah, I'm trying to think of anything else.
Like, I didn't do it.
I don't do a lot of nightlife or anything, so I was low-key, up early.
It was beautiful, man.
It was beautiful.
I don't think you could, I don't, I don't think that you could go wrong.
Let's take another call right here.
What's up, Theo?
This is Bruce from Rochester or NECTAC Country.
Rochester, that ROC, boy.
Shout out to my boy Baggins, dude, who passed away a couple years ago.
He OD'd over there by the pizza hut by the day's inn.
And, you know, he was hopped up.
I think he, you know, was on them lewds and on that garbage plate, bro.
He caught a thick garbage plate and couldn't get it down, bro.
Gang, bro.
Onward.
I just want to leave a comment on the podcast you had with Chris Lilly when you were talking about you had a dream about him.
I just wanted to mention that I actually also had a dream about you the night before.
Oh, okay.
This is wild, man, because I've never been down this territory where I'm talking to a man that had a dream about me.
And so I'm curious to see how this will go.
Let's hear more, brother.
Thank you for calling.
And I was in a comedy club and it was very crowded.
I was trying to make my way out of the club.
And you were trying to make your way through the club, trying to go through the crowd there.
There was a little break in the people.
And so we met up.
Damn, this shit is getting erotic, huh?
Or maybe not.
Maybe it's just two guys passing in a club about to find out.
In my dream.
And when I tried to pass by you, you gave me a look, kind of a little bit of an attitude, a little huff and puff.
Okay.
Then this sounds like me at the beginning of my comedy tour behind the scenes, man.
I was Hufflepuffing, man.
I was getting slithering.
And then I started to kind of really Gryffindor out towards the end.
Onward?
Now, when I went by you, as if I was in your way.
And I know it was just a dream, but I do still feel like maybe you owe me an apology.
And so I just wanted to put that out there.
Listen, I understand where you're coming from if you don't apologize, but I just felt like, you know, maybe that was the right thing to do at this point.
Gang, gang.
Huh.
You know, an apology for the subconscious behavior.
You know what, man, I will apologize.
I don't need to be right, man.
I'm sorry.
You know, I'm sorry, man.
I think that, you know, I have had some of that behavior recently.
I think I've been in a lot of fear about just things changing in my life and just not knowing how to act.
And, you know, just worried about how people are going to think of me and worried if I'm deserving of different opportunities.
And just worried, like, if the world is like tricking me, you know, worried if the world is like just tricking me and saying, oh, well, here's something you're going to be able to get to do, but then we're just tricking you.
You're going to wake up or you're going to, some harsh reality is going to show up and change things.
And I know some stuff we don't have control over, but I could see myself probably if I was in my subconscious walking past somebody and giving them kind of a little bit of a, you know, a harumph.
So I'm sorry about that.
You know, I'm sorry about that, dude.
I could have, you know, I could have made the choice to be seeing you and just giving you a smile or giving you a thumbs up or, you know, no thumbs up, which is also a new thing a lot of people are doing.
Two hands out, closed fist, thumb tucked away inside the hand, no thumbs up.
People are like, well, what in the hell is going on?
But it's cool looking.
All right, guy, no thumbs up.
And that's like a Japanese thing.
It's like a new, it's like the peace sign, but it's like newer than that.
So I'm sorry I did that, man.
And next time we see each other, yeah, keep your chakras open because I'll make sure to, you know, give you a little bit of an elbow, you know, a fist bump or something hearty, something lovable, you know.
Maybe just, you know, I'll have a little baton.
I'll do a quick little B twirl, a little baton twirl, you know, and show you a little bit of flare or something.
Put a little pendant on your lapel, maybe something.
You know, something that says vote for Jerry or something.
You know, and then another pendant that says, who the fuck is Jerry?
So that way you kind of get the full deal.
We had some Patreon questions.
We're going to get to them next time, and this jet lag is literally shutting my face down.
I don't think there's anything else to share at the moment.
I just want to apologize to anybody.
I know there's sometimes where people reach out and I try to get people tickets, and a lot of times I try to help.
And a lot of times tickets are sold out to shows.
Be careful.
There's a lot of second and third party websites that will sell tickets at extraordinary prices.
Those are not the regular ticket sites.
Those are second and third party.
You've got to look at the name.
It can be, sometimes they'll make the name just like Ticketmaster.
It'll be like Licketmaster.
And the ticket's $200 for the show.
I don't sell tickets at those high prices.
So if you see something going on like that, that's not a natural ticket.
And you want that natural choice, you know.
You don't want that breach birth ticket.
You know, you think you're coming to see me and you go to see Lyle Lovett and his mother and they doing knitting or something or doing, you know, yogoling.
Yeah, man, my brain is a little bit fried from the trip, but I'm happy to be home.
I'm in a new studio.
I have no clue what's going to happen.
You know, but this is the risk that I'm willing to take right now.
You know, because I've learned from a previous experience when we took the first risk, you know, it was good.
And maybe we're overstepping our bounds and getting more space.
I don't know.
So I'm curious to see, you know, how we'll fill this space and if we'll fill it and with what.
You know, but I feel like it's some new opportunity.
And I feel like I've been feeling a lot of inspiration recently to do some cool like giving back and outreach type of stuff.
And I don't know what that's going to be, but I can really feel it starting to gestate inside of me.
But thank you guys for your patience.
Thank you guys for being here today.
Thanks for the calls.
As always, the hotline 985-664-9503.
We have some great Patreon questions from Matthew Puccinelli, Marissa Bruno, Olivia Aber, Siara Smith, Mike Nucci, and Quinn Hassan.
And I'll get to some of those next week.
But you guys be good to yourselves, man.
on the way out let's go out with some jameson flood every night Every night, every night I live away.
Every night I feel like I think I'm sure every night you see Every night these days that you know what you still Ladies
and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Suiar.
Is it there?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
