Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ One of the most requested guests ever, Riff Raff aka Jody High Roller aka Dale Dan Tony joins invited Theo to his place in Florida for a remote episode of This Past Weeekend. Check out his new single, “Dreamland” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXAlhtdkpCY This episode brought to you by… Uncommon Apothecary https://ua-cbd.com Use code THEO for 15% off Skillshare Visit https://skillshare.com/theovon to receive 2 months of Skillshare FREE Blue Chew Visit https://bluechew.com and use promo code THEO to get your first order free with only $5 shipping Grey Block Pizza 1811 Pico Blvd. Santa Monica, CA http://bit.ly/GreyBlock Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis Music “Shine” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/MakinIt_BishopGunn Gunt Squad www.patreon.com/theovon Name Aaron Jones Aaron Rasche Aaron Wayne Anselmi Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alexa harvey Andrea Gagliani Andrew Valish Angelo Raygun Anthony Holcombe Anthony Schultz Arielle Nicole Ashley Konicki Audrey Harlan Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Bad Boi Benny Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Herron Benjamin Streit Bobby Hogan Brad Moody Brandon Hoffman Brandon Kirkman Bubba Hodge Carla Huffman Casey Roberts Charles Herbst Christian Coyne Christina Christopher Stath Cody Cummings Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh COREY ASHMORE Crystal Dakota Montano Dan Draper Dan Perdue Daniel Chase Danielle Fitzgerald Danny Crook Danny Gill David Christopher David Smith Diana Morton Dionne Enoch Donald blackwell Doug Chee Drew Munoz Dusty Baker Faye Dvorchak Felicity Black Ginger Levesque Grant Stonex Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia J.P. Jacob Rice Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter Jameson Flood Jason Price Jeffrey Lusero Jenna Sunde Jeremy Johnson Jeremy Siddens Jeremy Weiner Jim Floyd Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joel Henson Joey Piemonte John Kutch Johnathan Jensen Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan R Josh Cowger Josh Nemeyer Julie Ogden Justin Doerr Justin L justin marcoux Kaitlin Mak Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kiera Parr Kirk Cahill kristen rogers Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Laszlo Csekey Lauren Williams Lawrence Abinosa Leighton Fields Madeline Garland Marisa Bruno Matt Kaman Meaghan Lewis Meghan LaCasse Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mike Poe Mona McCune Nick Butcher Nick Lindenmayer Nick Roma Nick Rosing Nikolas Koob Noah Bissell OK Passenger Shaming PF24 Gang Gang Qie Jenkins Rachael Edwards Rachel Warburton Randal Ranger Rick Robert Mitchell Robyn Tatu Rohail Ryan Hawkins Ryan Walsh Sarah Anderson Scoot B. Scott Wilson Sean Scott Season Vaughan Secka Kauz Shane Pacheco Shannon potts Shona MacArthur Stefan Borglycke Suzanne O'Reilly Theo Wren Thomas Hunsell II Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tommy Frederick Travis Simpson Tugzy Mills Tyler Harrington (TJ) Victor Montano Victor S Johnson II Vince Gonsalves William Reid Peters Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Tonight, he will be at the Whiskey in West Hollywood, California.
And then tomorrow, May 17th, he'll be at the Monarch Theater in Phoenix, Arizona.
He has a new single out right now called Dreamland by Dale Dantoni.
He's one of a kind.
He's that watermelon water moccasin.
And he is the most requested guest that we've had for this past weekend.
Ladies and gentlemen, riffraff.
Riffraff.
Been a long time, man.
Got a heavy coat of sports clothes.
Oh, dude, you look flosy, bro.
You look like a dude that Okeechobee 1 Kenobi out here, man.
You look like a guy if somebody had a cheat coat and double dragon, bro.
And they got to use an ultimate character, man.
Dale Dantoni.
Amen, dude.
That million-dollar mullet, Mr. Riff Raff, Jody High Roller here today.
Dale D'Antoni, how are you, man?
Riff Rambo.
Oh, dude.
Who you been fighting, man?
Fighting life.
Putting it in a damn Lamborghini leg lock.
The dark arts, baby.
Dark arts after dark.
Dude, so I got turned on to you from Simon Rex, man.
He's such a nice guy.
That's what you say?
Yeah.
Okay.
You don't know him.
No, I want the other side of the cold.
Oh, you want the dark side of the colour.
I want the dark side of the dark.
You want that dark dirt.
I want that dirty soil, brother, to loot.
When I first moved to LA, before I moved, he's like, yeah, you should move out.
You should move out of here.
You should move out of here.
I'm like, I'm hyped up.
I'm like, Hollywood life.
Getting ready.
You know what I mean?
You see the glitz and the glamour.
Putting on lotion.
Tanning lotion that makes you dark while you sleep.
It gets you barricades your pores.
You see the butterscotch babes.
You're thinking the Hollywood.
You're thinking the stars are all aligned.
Oh, you got tits in your brain.
So I go, so he was all cool at first.
Once I finally went out there to live, he's like, yeah, you sure you could stay with me?
I'm like, okay, well, I mean, sure.
Well, I find a place and everything.
You're sure I'll hang out there.
You know what I mean?
So I'm like, okay, cool.
So I'm thinking like, you know, get there.
You had luggage with you or what?
I didn't even ask him how many rooms he had.
He had about seven or eight rooms because he stayed up in the hills.
I don't know anymore.
I've never been there, but I heard he had a house there.
Yeah, he had a house up there in the hills.
And I think like a few houses down was Cindy Crawford as a house.
All right.
So I'm at his house.
I'd jerk off on the street if Cindy Crawford lived by me, you know?
Yeah.
So he has me moving.
I think I'm going to stay on the couch or one of his rooms or something.
He had a downstairs, it was like a three-story house.
So you go downstairs.
Wow.
And then down there's a wine cellar.
And he's like, yeah, you can have this room, but I'm seeing these racks on the wall.
I'm like, this isn't a room.
Yeah, this is for grapes.
Yeah, this is for sun-dried grapes.
This is for aged prunes.
So I go in there, and I have a room, and I'm thinking he didn't let me, he'll throw parties.
He wouldn't let me come upstairs because there was a door in the lock.
He had the party.
I'm seeing the people come in.
Damn.
You had to stay down there.
You got to stay down there.
I'm like, damn.
You like in Notre Dame, like that guy that rings the bell.
I didn't know I'd be answering the door, and that's about it.
Yeah.
I thought I was going to get the party with the Hollywood stars.
Damn.
And so who came through there?
All types of people, huh?
Bill Cosby.
Burt Reynolds.
Burt Reynolds, wow.
Yeah, yeah.
Kevin Costner, I'd seen In N Out.
He knew everybody.
Yeah, Jim Tomei.
Damn.
You know, Jim Tomei.
Chipper Jones stopped by a couple times.
Jesus.
Yeah.
And who else?
Even I heard that they had Daffy Duck pass through.
No, no more.
Ghost Garcia Parr.
Damn.
He ghosted me a couple times on the handshake on the way out.
Uh-uh.
Yeah.
So I was trying to catch girls coming out and try to talk to them.
Popping behind the shrub.
Yeah, but he didn't have any lights down there for me on purpose, so I couldn't talk to nobody.
So I don't want to hear.
I don't want to hear.
I didn't know him then.
Yeah.
And I had to pay $2,700 a month.
Oh, damn.
I stayed there about two weeks.
He kept my deposit.
I cleaned the place and everything.
Yeah, so.
So that's the other side of science.
That's the dirty side of that.
That's the dark side.
The dark side.
Dude, we both grew up in a different time, I feel like.
Oh, yeah.
The real time.
The 80s.
The actual fun.
The 80s.
What do you love about it?
What's something that you miss about it?
I think people they saw more clearly.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
I'm sweating like a damn lasoon tight.
Oh, yeah.
A lot of sports gloss.
Oh, I'm sweating like a fucking sneeze stuck in a thick bitch.
You feel me?
I'm fucking.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm creating havoc.
I'm fucking dripping.
Yeah, we're dripping.
Dude, I'm dripping like a fucking Icelandic stripper, bro, in a fucking sunstorm, dog.
I'm fucking leaking over here.
We should tell people we were playing sports.
Yeah, okay.
So first of all, the reason we're damn sweating is because we were outside talking about building a five-acre football field sports compound to get away from the world.
I think back in the 80s, you couldn't direct message Elvis Presley.
You couldn't hit up Roseanne Barr.
You couldn't comment under Rod Stewart and say, hey, I don't want to live forever young.
You're too old to be thinking about being young.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You couldn't talk to people.
And now with the media and all the shameless.
Oh, shameless.
Now the online has turned into a national inquiry.
Remember, I'll be aligned.
My mom would be grocery shopping.
And I'd look over at Ronald Reagan pregnant with triplet aliens.
Yeah.
Ronald Reagan got a slave.
And you're like, what the fuck?
Yeah, I was back in the, we were at a place called Gerland's.
There was a store, and I'd be in line, and there would be a black and white newspaper at the National Inquiry, and they would say, it would say, like, Abraham Lincoln found 50 gold coins under, you know what I mean?
Abraham Lincoln found cave dwelling.
Yeah, Abraham Lincoln found out how to cook canned fish.
Like, yeah, that's not real.
He doesn't know how to cook.
Like, damn, yeah, aliens, they have, they would have a rumor, like aliens at the, um, they would have aliens at the fucking Lakeland Mall.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, two aliens found at Lakeland Mall.
So nowadays, anybody, you could say anything.
And if it's juicy enough, then people, you could think of you.
Right.
And then also I get, do you ever get direct message, crazy direct messages from people?
Man, you know, because they got direct message, then they have requests.
So every now and then I dabble in there and look, people say, can you post my Kickstarter?
I'm trying to be a rapper.
Hey, you inspired me to be a rapper.
Back in the day, it was, oh, you, you inspired me to get up in the morning.
You know what I mean?
So now, but now it's everything.
You inspire me to be cereal today.
And everybody is, you inspire me to be just like you.
People think that it's like, well, I take a picture with you, then I get some of your magical powers.
I'm like, it's not magical powers.
It's just, I'm like, you know what I'm saying?
But it's too accessible, you think?
It's too accessible to reach somebody that I think, I think with Instagram, just like, you know, you got a verified account, right?
I think every single human being who's on Instagram, just like how you got to be verified to make sure that you, everybody should be verified.
First of all, to be able to direct message somebody, you should have to be 18 and up.
And if you aren't, then your parents should have their credit card online.
And if you put up and leave a comment that's vulgar, then Instagram should shut your account down until the customer service can FaceTime you and talk to you and your parents and be like, if you leave another comment, first of all, you're fined 50 bucks.
Yeah, if they find your parents too.
So you're finding that credit cards immediately.
And they're finding you saying 50 bucks over there on the phone.
Or whatever.
Yeah, anything like Chase ATM.
If you're in school and you say some shit and you get in trouble, then you should get in trouble for that.
You can say, oh, I don't like this song, but then if you say Miss Conaton is fat, then you're getting in trouble.
That's $30.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Exactly.
People should be able to have to watch.
People should have to watch what they say.
Why is that?
Okay, so if the people, if Instagram is such a big thing, it's big because of what?
People want to see the inside scoop celebrities life or whoever, right?
So every single celebrity, every single verified account was be like, you know what?
I'm going to boycott Instagram.
I'm going to get out of there.
There's just all these regular people, not even regular people, but you know, people who aren't.
Unverified accounts.
Unverified accounts would just go on at each other.
That wouldn't exist.
Right.
But do you think, I mean, I mean, I know.
It's not going to be me saying it.
It's going to be somebody big.
Stephen Tyler.
It's going to have to be motherfucking.
Exactly.
Neil Armstrong.
David DeCovney would have to say some shit like what I'm saying right now for it to matter.
But you'd have to get somebody.
You should have to be able to.
Bill Cartwright.
Or I'm trying to think of something else.
John Sally would have to be.
John Sally.
Why does everybody love John Sally, man?
I think people think he's Arseno Hall's older brother.
So it's like, okay, he's the, you know.
Yeah, he's Arsenio tall, bro.
He's like the fucking long Arsenio Hall.
John Sally.
Shaq would have to say something.
Dude, I saw Shaq, man.
He's everywhere.
I saw him two weeks ago at a UFC fight.
And it blew my mind.
You ever been to UFC fights?
I don't think I've been to a live one.
Have you ever been approached about being a wrestler?
Yeah, actually, no bullshit.
Hulk Hogan, when I started, because for a time I was trying to just put on as much weight as possible.
Yeah.
Because you definitely, you look thick, man.
You look like Lyle Alzedo before the decision.
Since I've been in Florida, I've lost like almost 30 pounds.
I was like 250, but I was just trying to bulk up, right?
But now in this, I'm sweating right now.
Like it's muggy like in Houston, but you just naturally, if you're outside, you're going to just naturally just not want to, because it's so hot out, you're going to want to eat hamburgers and french fries outside.
You know what I mean?
I just, my appetite slowed down and my hunger for working out increased.
Really, since you've been here?
Been out here like six months building this studio.
Yeah, man.
This is that Magna Multiple.
You're the first, you know.
My person to be here.
Yeah, you're the first human to be in this facility.
God, no joke.
Yeah, I really do, man.
I'm such a big fan.
You're the most requested person ever of any, dude, of anybody, alive or dead, bruh.
Live, nobody, Tom Jefferson, not that many hits, bro.
Yeah.
Anybody, dude.
Everybody talks about wheels.
I think we're the only mullet-bearing municipals.
Yeah.
Marsupials.
Yeah, bro.
I mean, we definitely those fucking hair bears.
You know, we're up there.
The hair bears.
The fucking Afghanistrands, bro.
We got that fucking hair.
I got the damn Florida follicle fountain back again.
You know what I mean?
And we're here in Riffra, Afghanistan, bro.
This is your fucking shit.
Neon Nightmare Sports Studio.
It's crazy.
We're showcasing sports.
Dude, you got the ghost of Tony Gwynn, of Tony Gwynn outside.
Yeah.
I got Kirby Puckett.
Oh, you got Cecil Fielding out here, bro.
You got Cecil Fielder still working, the big one.
Oh, yeah.
Got the big unit.
I got Randy Johnson out back yard mulch.
Oh, yeah, bro.
You got that fucking mulching mullets.
You got him out there fucking killing pigeons, bro.
He's investing in some type of plannery.
Now, he had good hair.
He had a nice set backstage.
How do you feel differently now that you have the million dollar money?
Because Dale D'Antoni is the only one.
Because I'd had like a full head of just hair for like, I'd had braids for almost like 10 years.
Wow.
I just, you know what I mean?
Oh, yeah, man.
You used to have that.
And I could still grow it out if I want to, but I keep, it's just like when it's not hitting your ears and, you know what I mean?
Like the hair getting your mouth and stuff like having this front trimmed up and then the back, you know what I mean?
It's just a lot easier to wash.
It's easier to dry.
It looks better.
People see it.
They know it.
It means something.
It sounds better.
When it's in the wind, it has a certain sound to it.
It's whispering around.
It has a snap tap.
You know what I mean?
I think that's where the Rice Krispie, those Rice Krispie treats, those three, I think they had mullets.
They made them cut them when they were getting the photo shoot, but that's how they got that snap, crackle, pop.
Oh, dude.
Look, man, if you look at old pictures of them boys, all three of them, you know, and one of them had a, um, was a celiac, had celiac disease.
Was it the red-haired boy?
I think it was, because one of them couldn't even eat the treats they made.
Oh, wow.
And that really, I know that hurt a lot of, it didn't hurt people's feelings, but, you know, anyway, it was, so him even being able to be a part of it was really a miracle.
Yeah.
But yeah, they all had mullets when they were younger.
That's funny you knew that.
Yeah, I've had a feeling.
Who would be the top 10?
Let's do the top five people that should have mullets because it would change how they fucking operate.
Right now?
Yeah.
Okay.
Go ahead.
You go first.
Okay, first up, if I had to think of a good person that could get a mullet because it would help him, I think, operate a little bit better and really show who he is, I'd go with Bill Trill Clinton.
Damn.
You think he'd go back running for Prez?
Oh, dude, I think he'd fucking run through a couple more legs of puss if he fucking threw one on, to be honest with you, dude.
Because Bill, man, I've been through Arkansas and they said, you know, a lot of ladies still know him and remember him fondly.
And I think if he had a mullet, it would really take it to the next level.
He'd go all white or diet.
I don't know.
I don't know if Hillary would let him die.
I think he would have to go to the house.
Yeah, she'd probably kick him out that day.
You're back on your old shit again, ain't you?
Get out of whole Arkansas.
You're going to make me look bad in front of my peers.
He's like, you don't have any peers in my state.
Then they get into it because he got that fire back in him.
He's like, damn.
I remember, yeah.
Matter of fact, if I recall correctly, you didn't even pick me.
Yeah, yeah.
I picked you.
Yeah, you picked another man.
You picked that guy who did the Herman Kane.
You was fucking Jock and Herman Kane back in the day.
Pizza, pizza, pizza.
You really wanted Billy Mays.
Yeah, yeah.
You would pick him for four square ball.
Yeah.
Yeah, you wanted Billy Ray Cyrus.
I saw you looking at his fucking overall stripes.
I saw you over there looking at his Instagram stories.
Yeah.
I was over your shoulder.
Yeah, I saw you reading fucking cornbread recipes that his mother had written.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you cared more about him.
You don't even fucking care about me.
You don't.
Hillary.
When you were a baby, you had a Teddy Ruxman and you put a tape in the back and it was just his voice.
Just cradling you to sleep.
Damn.
Audio cradles.
Yeah, you got audio cradles from Billy Mays back there.
You had a Teddy Ruxman trying to sell you a fucking OxyClean.
Yeah.
No wonder you can't get any rest at night.
You know who I think should film more movies?
Who?
I think Adam Sanders should grow a mullet and really just get ripped and just showcase and shoot Happy Gilmore 2. Yeah.
I could see that, boy.
How happy is it?
I wonder what it would be called.
Happier now.
Yeah.
Happier than ever.
Happier now.
And I would like to even see him be in a wheelchair and jacked as fuck, bro.
Because if you, here's the thing I noticed.
I got a couple buddies that was, one guy got hit by lightning or fell into a hole or something.
And another guy, his legs never, he never had any good legs from the beginning, right?
And so he's all jacked.
When you just focus on the upper body, it's like going family guy.
It's just tight.
The lights out, bro.
This dude is so fucking jacked.
It's a different level, you know?
But I could see that Adam Sandler.
If he had a nice mullet, what kind of good movies would he make?
Different ones?
He should retake over Rambo.
Because I know they're shooting a Rambo, but what if they switched up and went like Rambo 8 and it was two Rambos.
It was me and Adam Sands.
Yeah.
I already see that.
Horatio Sands?
Or Horatio Sandler?
Norm McDonald should grow a mullet and just get ripped.
Oh, yeah.
And he's like, yeah.
And he does a Colonel Sanders movie, but it's a documentary, but it's all way off.
And it's Colonel Sanders.
It was his twin brother.
Yeah, yeah.
And him and Colonel Sanders fight, and then he beats Colonel Sanders and opens up a place called Norm McDonald's.
And it's a fucking place where you go.
Oh, there's two C's on it.
So they take over McDonald's.
Yeah, so no trademark infringement issues.
And you go in there, you think you're going to get something neat, and it's Norm McDonald in there with a fucking, just with a hatchet or just fucking you up.
Man.
Cranking cords.
Dude, how much?
I can't believe nobody's funding this shit.
We got.
Adam Sandler could do it.
You know, I can't believe we can't anybody to fund these ideas.
All right, so you got it.
We got Bill Clinton.
We got Adam Sandler.
But dude, I heard they're making Tranbo.
It's like a transgender.
Oh, for real?
Yeah, yeah.
I try Bowflex.
That makes you...
Boflex sent me a free Boflex.
Are you serious?
It's in the backyard.
Oh, wow.
I'm serious.
I thought that...
From the commercials?
Yep.
Whose sister?
Long time ago.
My friend Darren.
You don't know him.
He used to live by me when I was younger.
Dude, you know, I got a blow job from Jared from Subway's sister a long time ago in the French quarter.
Damn.
Okay, so we got Bill Clinton, Adam Sandler.
I think of somebody good who's shit.
I think Ricky Lake should come back with her own show, and she's just mulled out, and she's like, listen, I'm going to tell y'all what's cool, what's not cool.
Y'all are just, y'all ain't it.
Yeah.
This is what's going on.
This is cool.
And she just does a whole show on this is cool, this ain't.
This ain't.
And she just airs everybody out.
Puts it all out.
She's like, listen.
Because she's mixed, first of all, so she can talk about anybody.
She's just trying to talk shit about everybody.
And then she got, and then she has the side slashes, too.
She does?
She should.
That thicky lake, they used to call her because she got thick for a while.
And she's just in there with the mullet.
And she's just sitting there and she's dancing and everything.
But not regular, like Ellen dances, like just grooving.
And it's easy going.
No, she's out there getting it.
And she's telling everybody, no, this is where it's at.
Yeah.
Yeah, y'all need to quit fucking driving this Toyota Camry ain't it.
Listen, these Subaru hatchpacks.
Fucking hatch whack, bro.
What you need is to get that Ford Festival and put some fucking 38s on it.
Damn.
What the hell were them things called?
Suzuki Troopers.
Yeah.
Them little Jeeps.
Yeah, that's Suzuki Troopers.
And you got to get a real Asian laminated snap things on there.
That was like the Windbreaker of cars.
You're like, whoa, that's the Suzuki Trooper.
You're like, damn, this thing doubles as a fucking light coat.
Yeah, you wear that damn, that click, click, look them when them snaps flow.
Click, click, click, click.
Yeah, dude.
Oh, if it got cold out, man.
You gotta zip it up, turn the heat on, leave it, leave the car running about 30 minutes, let it heat up.
Hey, take the keys, go ride around the block a couple times, leave the heat cranking.
Dude, it was like a windbreaker.
Sometimes you find something in the pockets of the doors.
It was like a pocket.
It was like a stretchy.
Yeah, you find a old credit card in there or a stick of gum.
A silly straw.
Yeah.
250 ones.
That's somebody's been chewing on.
With a little Kermit the frog on the top.
I got a green one.
Man, yeah, Ricky Lake would be really good if she grew her hair out.
She needs to do that.
Because more people would respect her, too, I think.
She needs to make a comeback because she's a little bit more.
Mullets are coming back.
Oh, dude.
Mullets are coming back.
I see on you like Barstool Sports.
Anytime somebody gets a mullet, they post it.
Anytime.
And do you feel like people, I notice a lot of people come to me with it, but in other countries, and I know you know, in other countries, this is just a hockey haircut.
Or it's a in some countries, in Amsterdam, this is a woman's haircut.
This is predominantly a young woman.
And a lot of times, if it's a young white girl that dates a lot of brothers, they'll have this haircut.
You know, jewelry is jewelry, but diamonds are diamonds.
You know what I mean?
A lot of people can mistake something for one thing just because, oh, cars are cars, but Lamborghini is a Lamborghini.
And I've talked about that before.
It's like, when you have the mullet and you're doing it, the million-dollar mullet, that's a whole other, you know.
That's a whole other station for that hair.
That's a whole other station verification.
And it looks strong.
It looks like the back is on creatine.
Yeah, I mean, I hate to, I mean, I'll take this out and I'll throw it back on my damn.
I'd love to see a little more.
You know, this isn't...
This isn't no...
Yeah.
This dude.
That ain't no sipping tea, huh?
This is a real deal, Steven.
Dude, that's like that fucking Jim McMahon, huh?
Remember him?
Who was the guy that played Brian Bosworth?
Brian Bosworth, man.
You know.
Yeah.
The Xavier McDaniels with the back pan handle.
Yeah, man.
Yeah, that's that really.
That's that fucking Rapunzel, man.
Damn, I soaked this sweatband up.
That's that Broponzo.
Colors bleeding through with so much sports gloss.
Look at that.
We're outside playing sports.
That's amazing.
What you tell them about those five acres?
Dude, I want to talk about your dog.
And honestly, I was scared of the animals because I've seen them on the internet a long time ago.
I saw, I said, man, this man have a lot of animals.
Because I grew up in like a stray animal area.
Oh, okay.
Remember back in the 80s?
Remember stray animals?
Yeah, they're out there.
They're just out there.
Remember that?
You go outside, they got two animals out there, bro.
They're just walking around.
Yeah, they got a hawk.
And there was one that would linger around the neighborhood, and everybody just left them there.
Nobody called, nothing.
There was nobody to call.
No animal control.
By the time you get your, you got a house phone.
No area codes.
You get in.
Like, wait, who I call?
I can't call 911.
By the time you got back inside, you forgotten you're getting a bomb stick out of the freezer.
Oh, yeah.
He's gone.
You fucking lapsed out on a bomb pop, bro, in a couple episodes of fucking Cosby or Family Matters.
Bobby's World.
Oh, dude, Different World.
Remember Different World?
Growing Paints.
Black people started going to college.
Growing pains?
Yeah.
Oh.
Dude, I wanted that guy to be my daddy.
I wanted to.
I wanted a boner.
Oh, you can't name anybody boner on TV no more.
That's a uh-uh.
Not anymore, man.
Remember those days?
If you wanted to know what was going on, you could watch the news, but you didn't have to.
And it was on for one hour.
Yeah.
Now, it's everything is news.
People will watch TV because they had a show they wanted to watch.
Oh, seven o'clock.
I'm watching cops.
Eight o'clock, I'm watching current affairs.
Yes.
Nine o'clock.
Oh, my dad's like, everybody leave the TV.
I'm watching Mary with Children.
Yes.
You know what I mean?
She had to get hot in the back and watch it.
Or like WWF, there's like one night.
Oh, March of World.
We got to stay up at 10:30 on Saturday night to see the world.
And it was like, and then like Friday, you go, okay, they're going to blockbuster.
Everybody pick one movie.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
And now everybody has to.
Now it's just everything is news.
Like back in the day, everybody would fight for who could be the coolest.
Everybody was fighting for who could be the best.
Now it's who can be the victim fastest.
It's shameless.
and people confuse fame and talent Yeah, hey, hey, no, no, he did this.
Oh, wait, you're doing something?
Hey, well, look what he did.
Well, he also did this.
He did something else too.
Yeah.
To tarnish.
And actually, and back in the day, that didn't matter.
Like, if somebody was trying to tarnish you, it didn't matter.
But now, the person who was trying to throw dirt on your name, they can make up anything.
Hey, Theo Vaughn stole my truck last night.
He drove over to Arby's.
He got 15 Bronco Berry sauces, stepped on them, smashed them, it splattered all over my seats.
And then I'm the headline.
Man, who had 15 splattered Broncoberries?
Look off.
This is sad.
Look how sad it is.
He's so sad.
Go fund me now.
People go fund me in for new sheepskin.
Take Theo Vaughn's sweaters.
He can't wear a shirt ever again.
Man, that's so sad, man.
Yeah, now it's like, oh, who can be the best victim?
Who can be the best?
Well, fucking, I don't have shoes.
Yeah.
Oh, man, that's so sad, man.
Dude, when I was growing up, remember, shoeless Joe Jackson was a star because he did a whole sport without having shoes.
Now, it's just somebody without shoes.
They have shoes in the locker.
They leave them in there just to go out there and be like...
I forgot my shoes.
Give me a contract.
That's what people think is famous.
But now you go on, but here's where I think the line is still drawn.
So that's early fame.
That's people reaching.
That's people doing that.
But then you still have to get on stage and bring a type of magic.
Oh, yeah.
And the shoe.
Now, I remember one time I was on tour, I was actually working with Norm McDonald.
I was in Oklahoma.
And they used to have a dude on America's Got Talent or something, pants on the ground.
Remember this guy?
Pants on the ground.
Looking like a fool with your pants on the ground.
Now, this was a guy who, you know, he had issues with gravity and he fucking didn't have a belt, right?
Yeah.
So this guy, they brought him out to the show.
He opened the show up doing five minutes pants on the ground.
Then he brought his dime out there.
He had a lady and her pants had issues as well.
So he'd bring out there, do five more minutes.
You know what I'm saying?
Bra on the fucking table or something, you know?
Braw on the table.
Brawl on the table.
Can't find my pierced navel because my bra on the table.
Yeah, okay.
So yeah, so then, and they're big clothes, so they would both kind of lay on the ground and fucking take off the bra or something.
I don't know, right?
Yeah.
But that dude had two months of work.
And the rest of us who were doing comedy are still doing it.
Right.
So there is that line where once you take it to the stage, there's that line.
Yeah, definitely.
And yeah, the trends and the fads.
Right.
Those will fade.
The trends and fads will fade.
And some people evolve and they create new ones.
Yeah, that's why I say separation by elevation.
Right.
You know what I mean?
You got to, like, like, you know.
That's the one thing, but you got to get away.
There's a lot of grabbers these days.
Oh, for sure.
Yeah.
There's always something new.
Yeah.
There's always going to be a new toy in the store.
There's always going to be new snacks that come out and in the front, from the store they're trying to sell.
But them Cool Ranch Doritos.
Remember when they came out?
Those Cool Ranch Doritos.
You remember that?
Yeah, I remember the commercials for shit was just way different.
Who Bo Jackson was playing two sports?
Deion Sanders was playing two sports.
And Mike Tyson and when the double decker taco and you had the double decker taco sideways neck.
Yeah.
Remember that he got stuck eating it.
Shaq had the sideways neck.
He couldn't eat.
He couldn't play basketball.
He was shooting free throws.
Yeah.
Dude, remember how good.
Remember when Cool Ranch drew this?
Remember, because for 20 years it was just Doritos, cheese only.
Regular.
Nothing famous.
When you saw them Cool Ranch.
And then suddenly.
It wasn't just Ranch.
It was Cool Ranch.
Damn.
And it felt good on you.
Everybody wanted the Cool Ranch.
Oh, dude.
They were sold out.
They didn't have them everywhere.
I remember biking all around town.
We heard that they had them somewhere.
Dude, a friend of mine got hit by a Trans Am on his bike looking for Cool Ranch Doritos, bro.
And was in a fucking wheelchair.
Hush for that.
Hush puppy, what are they called?
Slush puppies.
Slush puppies and cool ranch Doritos.
And then you go in there.
What did you used to a regular summer day as a kid?
You go to the gas station.
Where did you get your money, first of all?
Okay.
First of all, where we got the money was my mom had a chart.
If you were good, you started out with a dollar at the beginning of the week.
Okay.
And you got checks on there when you were bad.
So everybody got checks and you ended up with about 20 cents.
My little sister, though, she was always sick.
So she got all her money because she couldn't do anything bad.
She was ill.
So then we would get her money too.
Me and my brother would take, borrow her money from her and break each other off 50 cents each.
So I'd roll out about 60 cents over to that 7-Eleven.
I'd get myself fucking two packs of garbage pale kid cards, bruh.
You know what I'm saying?
Because I had a fucking stunt around my boys.
Remember that?
Lugie Larry.
Oh, yeah, and he had just fucking coming out of him.
Snotty Scotty.
Oh, yeah.
Remember Bomb Tom and his head fucking blowing up?
Atomic Adam.
Adam McCauley.
Yeah, dude.
They had the Twisted Sisters, and they were like two snakes twirling.
Yeah, they had Flat Pat, and it was just a dude getting steamrolled.
Yeah, yeah.
Rolling up.
They had Trim Tim, and he was getting that fucking tight haircut.
Yeah, he was getting a haircut, but the scissors cut his ear off or something.
And cut his neck.
Who else did they have?
Oh, Razor Raul.
Yeah.
First Spanish.
it was back when they were slicing the yeah, and he cut his wrist or something, bro.
And then the caption was sideways, sideways for attention, horizontal to get the job done.
Like, all right, well, I didn't know what that meant when I was eight.
You're like, damn, these cards are about 11. I was like, okay.
Yeah, he got discontinued.
Yeah, some of them were a little dark, like kill yourself Randall.
And you're like, what the fuck?
Wait, those don't even rhyme.
They don't even start with the same thing.
He's just hanging in a closet, you know?
You're like, damn, this shit is dark.
Quaylud fucking Donald.
Damn.
And he just have a couple pills, and his kids are fucking crying by the cops.
Ghostly George.
He was just hanging himself.
Hangman Hank.
He was hanging himself in front of the students.
He was a substitute teacher.
Like, damn, first day.
Just got a degree.
I would get that, and they had a fireball, bro.
And that was the thing, if you wanted to flex a little bit in front of your boys or the chicks a little bit, you wanted to get that fireball show up with that red, that lusciousness kind of.
and have that heat in your mouth, man.
And they knew you could fuck if you had that piece in there.
And you get that, that thing was about a nickel and you put that thing in your jaw and show up, man.
So I would do that.
And then if I had a little bit extra money, then I would get myself maybe a chocolate for at night, get myself a Kit Kat.
And they have four pieces in there.
Sometimes I would get my mom a payday candy bar.
And that was kind of like a nice candy bar they had back then.
Right.
Now it's in Nature Zone.
They got all these fancy ones.
But back then, they had that payday, and it was for smart people.
But it was different, man.
What would you get if you think if you had to do it?
First, I had this little bronze like glass, like little jar, and I wait until I fill it up.
But I'd sell lemonade.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, me and my sister, and we'd sell it for like 10 cents, 5 cents, whatever.
Whatever you had, until it fills up the jar.
I'd just go back in and keep making it.
I just wanted to fill that jar up.
And how many you selling quartz, gallons, colour?
I'd sell it until it was gone.
I'd go back and make some more if I need to.
I wanted to fill that jar up.
Yeah.
I'd sell three cents.
Damn.
As long as it's filled up, so then you got, you know, you got that filled up.
Yeah, yeah.
That's that feeling.
Then you roll over.
Then go pull up at the, then you got to take that jar.
I just shove it in my pocket.
That's a lot of money.
Right.
Now I go up to the public pool, hang out, see what's going on over there.
Because that was on the way because then you turn and then you go down and there was a circle K. Okay.
But it wasn't on the street.
It was right at the end of the neighborhood, so I didn't have to cross the street.
Oh, no, dangerous.
Now, what was happening at the public pool?
Kids running around screaming.
There was a diving board.
The hot girl lived behind it.
She had bleached blonde hair.
Oh, yeah.
Cole Sanders.
Ooh.
Cole Sanders.
Was she Japanese or was she Caucasian?
You can't even say white these days.
Yeah, you can't.
You get hogtied and stripped of all your medals if you say color.
Yeah, so she was of Norwegian Nordic descent.
Right.
You'd have to ask her what she is.
Yeah, exactly.
I don't even know.
Well, I get sued for even mentioning a human.
I think that's how it works these days.
So, yeah, then there's the diving board, and I can just hear it now.
You know, and there's the deep end.
Yeah, there's the deep end, and then there's just whistles blowing right and left.
Yeah.
Stop breathing.
Yeah, stop breathing.
You know what I mean?
And you're breathing underwater.
Stop.
Close your eyes underwater.
Stop drowning, they would say.
Yeah, and there was the outdoor shower.
Some family would be in the corner with their little picnic set up.
Yeah, they have a setup right there.
But kind of by the lifeguard so you didn't fuck with them.
Yeah, yeah.
Then the older kids down by the diving board lining up.
And if you weren't tall enough, you couldn't even go on the diving board in the deep end.
Then there's adult swim.
Yeah.
You're like, oh, adult swim.
And then I'd wait for adult swim and I'd take off to the gas station.
Because that's when what the kids had to get out?
They had to get out and then they'd go to the playground and they'd walk around, go play the Ouija board in the bathroom.
Adults only.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They go seven minutes ahead over there by the tricycles.
Yeah, man.
That's when you had to get out.
Yeah, so I'd take off to the gas station.
They had the Jolly Rancher fire.
Remember the fire Jolly Ranchers?
They were called fire flavored.
They were cinnamon, but they were crazy hot.
And the package would be stuck to the sides, but it was molted around it.
So like there was angles, geometry angles on the thing because it had melted and it's been sitting in the sun on it.
Yeah, so you didn't know how to get into that snack.
You get some little banana laughy taffies.
They didn't even have jokes on them back in the day.
Wow.
You just had to watch it.
Think of something happening.
You had to open it and just make up a joke or something.
Hey, what do apples say on their birthday?
I don't know.
Just give me one.
No, just what do apples say on their birthday?
What?
Yeah.
Forest fires are friendly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
Yeah.
So those, and then you get those little, it was like, it looked like a barrel.
And it was a, but it tastes like a melted popsicle.
It was like a little blue juice.
Have you ever seen those?
Yeah, it was wax.
No, no, no, I'm talking about, yeah, well, the carton was.
Yes.
It's like a barrel.
And it had a little metal top on it.
Yeah.
You can peel that off.
Yeah.
Oh, that shit was good.
What was that?
It's melted popsicles.
All the melted popsicles that go in the stores, and they just put them into that.
Oh, I didn't even know that.
I didn't know it either.
Dang, man.
That's behind the scenes.
Yeah, it had a kick in the back.
Yeah, that fucking get your neck up.
I don't know what it was.
That's a free neck brace, man.
It'll fucking loosen you up.
Yeah, that and a double-decker taco.
Oh, yeah, tacos.
That's her.
No, no, I'm just saying.
Oh, yeah, with that with the cook.
You're in a fucking wheel.
You're out of there.
But, dude, people used to.
You're at the nurse's office.
Oh, yeah.
Dude, remember the nurse's office?
Yeah, I knew kids who used to go to the nurse's office just to switch clothes with the Lost and Found just to get a new pair of pants.
That pink pants are, bro.
They pinched their pants on perk.
I know, dude.
Bruh, and that's back when I remember, dude.
I remember I get a bone alright and go in to the lady and be like, hey, something wrong with my dick.
Check this out.
Yeah, check this out.
My dick keeps getting hard.
A bee stung me.
That's what I would tell her.
Yeah.
What'd the nurse say?
I think she liked me a little bit, but I was young.
How old was she?
She was probably maybe 50 or 48, but her husband had left her and she had a kid that was in our class.
Oh, she send you a note and be like, hey, I think I need to check up on Theo.
Yeah.
Is Theo sick today?
Sometimes I always get a note.
I think Theo's sick.
Yeah, he seems really sick today.
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We had some calls.
We had some questions that came in from some listeners.
We'll go through some of them.
All right.
And we'll try to answer some of them and see what's going on.
Dude, I miss those old days, though.
It's a different time.
It's a different time, man.
Different vibe.
Okay, here's a white guy right here.
Yo, Theo.
So you're doing some shit on the 80s.
I wanted to know if you guys ever played with the WWF wrestlers, the big rubber ones.
Me and my brother used to beat each other with them.
And we would have little makeshift wrestling matches that we choreographed that were pretty cool.
I also would fucking eat them, man.
I know I ate me the fucking Hillbilly Jim arm before.
I remember they had like the mean Gene Ogrelund doll and his back was completely flat.
And that was the one that you didn't want to get hit in the head with because that fucker had knockout power.
But yeah, man, I fucking enjoy the shit out of your fucking comedy, man, and just listening to you.
You fucking have really helped me.
I'm like 80 days sober right now, and you're like an inspiration to me.
So anyways, I think you're a funny motherfucker.
Gang Gang.
Later.
Gang Gang, bro.
That's nice of you to say that, man.
Well, I'm here with the fucking human highlight right here in Riff Ghanistan, dude.
And do you remember the wrestlers, Riff?
Did you do that?
Yeah, I think my favorite ones was Legion.
I had Legion of Doom.
Oh, yeah.
And they had the spiked shoulder pads and the hacksaw Jim Duggan.
Remember that?
I mean, he wanted to be handicapped.
He was a construction worker.
The one he's talking about was the foam.
I mean, it's the rubbery ones.
Those are the big ones.
You don't want those.
I didn't get those.
You wanted the action figures with the mobile arms that fucking move.
And they're about this size.
Yes.
Yes.
You know what I mean?
Those are the good size.
I hated those.
Those didn't count.
Those were like...
Those were...
Yeah, those were like deflated hot water balloons.
Yeah.
I didn't like those.
Those weren't good.
They had to switch those up fast.
What other one?
Remember, Big Boss Man?
Now he...
He was a racist.
Now I think he was racist.
But at the time, he was just a regular guy that he was trying to earn money for his family and survival.
He had to cut off sleeves.
Yeah.
He could get the word, I think, across his fucking chest that he was wild, bro.
But then he met a black girl and actually had a mixed child, I read online.
So he turned it around.
Who else?
Remember Coco Beware?
They had a black fellow with a bird?
Remember him?
Bird, yeah.
And he would show up.
Yeah, breath the hitman heart.
Ha ha ha.
Who else we got?
Snooker.
Let's talk about, you want to talk about long hairs, Jimmy Superfly Snooker, man.
That guy would jump off the thing.
He wore the cheetah pants.
Okay, yeah.
And he killed a woman.
In real life?
Yeah, he killed a woman here in Florida, actually.
But who else, man?
Man, my favorite was Macho Man Randy Savage.
Macho Man, Ultimate Warrior.
Yeah.
Ultimate Warrior was fucking good, bro.
Yeah.
Like, I know he died not too, too long ago.
Yeah, not too long ago, man.
He was a legend.
Like, I know he was even after he stopped wrestling and he moved to a ranch.
A lot of those wrestlers I learned, they move far, far away from people.
They want to, like, you know what I mean?
A lot of them move to Florida.
Yeah.
And they get four or five acres.
You know what I mean?
Why do you think that is?
They want to just, I think it comes to, they probably saw what was coming.
Like the 2000s, they're like, nah, I don't want all that.
I don't know what that is.
I don't want that.
No, no, no, not that.
I mean, to me, I need to create space to be able to create.
I need to create space to have creative space.
You know what I'm saying?
I need space between just everything.
You need that think area.
Yeah, you need to really, you need some acreage for your brain.
Yeah, but I mean, but I know he was probably like, I saw like a documentary or something where he was still talking shit.
Wow.
He cut his hair and everything, but it was just in him, that warrior spirit.
Like he was just.
He was an underdog.
A lot of underdogs vibes with him because.
He was on some shit.
Yeah, he would always come in and he always seemed like from parts unknown.
Remember, I think that's what they would say about him.
Yeah.
That he was from, he could, that way he could be anybody.
I know a lot of people say like some things like, oh, yeah, man, this persona is a character.
I don't, like, I think, I mean, when it's somebody who like mentally, like, they're like parts unknown, like, that's just what that is.
You know what I mean?
That's where they're from.
Yeah, they feel inside of themselves like they aren't from somewhere and they just are where they are.
That's where they are.
And I think that certain people have to, you know, be a get a certain amount of space to even be.
I remember now looking back at it, I'm starting to see I'm like kind of like that because in school, I couldn't think about what's on paper.
I didn't, I don't even want to be here.
Look at all these damn bright lights.
And wait, what time is it?
Yeah.
I should be asleep.
I think kids should be able to sleep until they wake up.
Like if I have kids, they're going to be homeschooled.
If school don't start, the teacher don't even get here.
I'm not calling the teacher over until you wake up.
You're growing still.
Your brain isn't even functioning fully yet.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, and we got you up at 6.30 in the morning.
And then they, who knows what they're feeding them.
I think until you're about 13, 14, until you're done growing height-wise, you should be sleep.
You can be on a sleep schedule.
You know what I mean?
But you can't force a kid to go to sleep.
You're going to be in their room playing.
You know what I mean?
Building a fortune tents.
Remember, looking for something.
I remember looking for something one time for six days.
Just prowling around.
I didn't sleep for six days.
I was looking for something, man, that I fucking needed.
What was it?
I don't know, man.
Just looking around.
Yeah, but you're going to a friend's house, stay the night, and then you stay at a friend's house, and then y'all are prowling around the garage, and the grandma come out.
Stop all that prowling around.
You prowling around in the garage.
Get back in here and play RBI baseball or something.
Let me make y'all some Coke floats.
What about root beer for Coke floats over here?
All right.
Yeah.
Let me get y'all some water floats and have fucking vanilla ice cream and water.
Yeah, let me get y'all some Dr. Thunder.
Then they have Dr. Pepper.
AC on 50. Yeah, I see on 50. But they save money on the soda.
Save 20 cents.
Cut coupons.
Yeah, what y'all doing out there?
People used to have coupons in the mail.
They don't even send coupons no more.
They don't give a fuck if you have a discount.
What the fuck is the point of having a mailbox if you don't get any damn coupon?
Give me coupons.
The only thing, the good thing is them damn, when you get those fucking little damn squares of like you peel off the thing, you put 10 CDs that you want on there.
Yeah.
And for one penny, and you mail those off that and coupons, you used to get cool shit in the mail.
Now?
Nothing.
They send you your fucking, they send you a bank statement or some shit.
Wait, why is my bank statement in my in a mailbox that I didn't even tell you to mail this shit?
Yeah.
And anybody can just walk up and walk up and get it.
Get your money.
Get your information right there.
I'm going to take my fucking mailbox out of the damn ground.
Yeah, they say that people's identity, identity theft, you can fucking go, it's sitting in a box at the end of my money.
Coupons.
Yeah.
Remember?
50% off of Pop Tarts.
You can even, I bet you there's some CDs.
There's a company, there's companies, there's got to be companies out there that are sitting on hundreds and thousands of millions of Duran, Duran CDs, Soul Asylum, porno papyros.
They're just sitting on ancient fucking CDs, tapes.
I'll buy all those for one cent a piece.
Oh, dude, right now?
Make punches out of them.
Sell them.
I'd go by a tape player.
I saw a yellow Sony Walkman fucking headset, and I'd go jogging around listening to fucking Madonna's greatest hits.
Oh, that jog wire, dude.
I could see you.
That cat is loose, bro.
With the phones.
With the biggest headphones ever, bro.
This fucking big, bro.
Press down play and record.
You put the tape in the earpiece, bro.
That's how big the fucking headphones are.
Damn.
Bro, I could see you.
Yeah, I could see you rocking that.
You should make those.
Dude, you know how many people would love those?
Put a fucking helmet on with a CD on top, tape player on the side, speakers in there.
And fresh water in the back.
AC in there.
AC Slater.
Yeah, dude.
You literally have a picture of fucking Mario Lopez on the back, dude.
And he can hear you and you tell him how cold you wanted in there.
Dude, we should start a company, man.
That's going to go along with...
Fenced around.
Well, this is your dog park.
Yeah.
$100 to get in.
Riff Raffs.
You got Rough Stop at R-U-F-F stop.
Riff Rough.
Riff Rough, yeah, where them puppies can come to play.
Riff Rough's Husky Hub.
And sports.
You can bring your, it's five, so big, you can bring your mobile home, bring your dog.
Every item that comes in there is $100 an hour.
Yep, no matter what you bring.
If you're bringing your mobile fucking, you can bring your four-wheeler, bring your barbecue pit, that's $200.
Now you have a Husky and a Chihuahua.
Okay, it's another $200.
And it's at your own risk.
Because if a Husky eats them, then they fight.
But if you have a pit bull and it attacks one of the Huskies, then you're fined a million dollars.
So that's that rule.
You entering is at your own risk of liabilities.
That's that risk item.
If you want to bring fucking Alan Iverson to the beach, you know what I'm saying?
That's that risk item.
A batting cage, but with tennis balls to shoot out at 50 miles per hour, just straight fastballs, not crazy sliders.
Right.
And then you go fucking speed fucking tester with the pitching thing.
And this dog and everything, the dogs can do it or what?
What is it like?
Dogs are running around five acres fucking mixing it up.
You can bring your four-wheeler.
You're with them that four-wheeler going to chase it.
And what do the dogs else do?
It's like an excite bike track.
Oh, yeah.
Big pool there.
What else do they have for the dogs?
Different events or something?
Yeah, I mean, they should be a, it could be a fucking, you know, at the football.
Like a dance or something at night?
It should be the light up squares.
And they run it on it and they change.
Some hologram cats they can chase around.
Foxes.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, I love that.
Dalmatian Station.
If you want to go over there and check out some stuff.
I mean, a tennis ball machine just shooting tennis balls all day.
Just launching around.
The puppies are going to fucking do backflips.
All day anywhere.
It could be lunchtime and a fucking tennis ball flies through the air.
They're going to have to decide.
Yes.
Prime rib or tennis ball.
Yeah.
They make their own choices, man.
And so this is going to be a beautiful place, and it's just in Florida.
And you're going to be there sometimes, or how does it go?
I'm going to damn near live there.
I love that.
You're the referee, bro.
You're going to fucking roll around and tell them what's going on.
I love that.
You're going to be there too.
Dude, I'll be there.
Could I work there?
So I'll play.
Two weeks out of the year, man.
I want to whistle, too, like a quiet whistle, though.
Nothing heavy.
Do whatever you want.
Dude, I would love that, man.
I want to work in the gift shop.
They're going to have a gift shop, too.
You know, like on the NFL with the cooling fans blow snow out.
That's everywhere.
Damn.
I love that, man.
Snowy sweats.
Five hours.
Yeah, damn.
Is that sweat?
That's fucking snow, man.
Sports gloss.
It's summertime.
That's sports gloss.
That lost boss.
Let's play another.
We got another question that came in here.
Let's get into another one here.
Yo, what up, Theo?
What up, Riffraff?
It's your boy Dustin coming at you from Texas.
Big fan of both of you guys.
My question is, what is your favorite sports player from the late 80s, early 90s?
I got to say mine is probably Bo Jackson.
So let me know what you guys think.
Gang Gang.
Gang Gang, man.
That's a good one, Rev. What you think?
Comes to mind.
Sports, man, there's so many.
I'd have to say probably Deion Sanders.
I remember, I think it was when he got drafted, and he had nugget gold jewelry, and he had a mullet.
Yes, he had.
I mean, he had the crate, the glasses.
He wasn't playing.
No.
He looked good.
He played good, and he could back it up.
And he was about sports and about winning.
He showed up as a champion.
He was good doing it.
He showed up as a champion.
Deion Sanders.
Yeah, Bo Jackson is another one.
I heard they put a weight bench in his house to make so when scouts would come through, they'd think he worked out, but I don't think he ever touched a weight a day in his life.
Man.
And he was a ledger, man.
He was one of a kind.
I'm trying to think of anybody else that I tried to be.
There weren't any.
I mean, Michael Jack.
Oh, he said baseball, huh?
Or did he?
He said sports.
Michael Jack.
I mean, obviously, Michael Jordan was great.
There wasn't a lot of pistol Pete Maravich was great.
Man, I watched that movie.
You ever seen his movie?
The pistol, I think?
Yeah.
Yeah.
What about him growing up?
He dribble a basketball everywhere.
I used to do that.
Dribble a tennis ball, dribble a basketball, just anything.
Wear the basketball down, wear holes in my shoes.
You remember going for a walk in the neighborhood, taking the ball with you?
You remember that?
You take it everywhere.
Yeah.
And if somebody saw you drilling basketball, oh, he's a basketball player.
Yeah.
Oh, he's going, oh, he's trying out next year.
They're going to know what I'm doing.
Yeah, you're going to see what I'm about.
They driving by.
They don't think you're not about nothing.
I'm about basketball.
Yeah, I'm about fucking hoops, bitch.
You know what I'm saying?
Everywhere.
I'll fucking hoop on your whole family.
They got a two-year-old in the back.
He's looking at you.
Flip that little motherfucker around.
I'll dribble down the damn cereal aisle and throw some Nabisco treats.
I don't want that.
I don't want no food.
I'm sports.
I'll dunking donuts on your neck, bro.
I'll fucking, I'll give your fucking, I'll give your cousin some diamond tap, dude.
I don't give a damn, bro.
I'll put band-aids on your grandmother, bro.
I don't give a fuck, man.
That was a different time, man.
Different.
You had to be about something.
Yeah, remember that?
You had to pick something and do it.
And that's what you're about.
All right.
This is like a club, right?
You got to do a little hideaway duck out club.
And everybody starts pouring in there.
Yeah.
You're like, man, I'm out.
I'm out.
Everybody now, this is, okay, what's yeah, this turning a structure.
I don't know what the hell's going on.
This turning to, yeah, this turning to S. D. Lauder.
Man, this turned into a damn.
It's a big ass Walmart.
Yeah, bro.
That's your fucking thing.
All right, y'all be here now.
I'm going to show up at 120.
Yeah, yeah.
And when y'all done, y'all done yet?
Yeah, I think there's something to that, man, showing up when everybody's gone.
Let's get one more question that came in, man.
Yo, Theo, it's your boy Ryan from Illinois.
Born and raised, baby.
What's up?
I got a question for you and the vanilla gorilla himself.
See, I've been trying to put on them games, baby.
And I'm looking for all natural solutions.
Hey, rest in peace, Billy Coforto.
I know what you and him were doing on the side of that highway, brother.
But I'm looking for that natural solution.
Gang, bro.
I used to use stairs with my buddy.
He was a bus boy, but he died.
Yeah.
So natural solution, man.
You're in way better shape than I am.
What's the right now?
What's that?
Okay, so me personally, I'm about comfort and feeling like if I gain too much weight or focus too much on just building muscle and not caring about just and you could get bigger by just eating everything, you know what I mean?
But if you want to feel good and gain muscle strength, I'm learning that stretching helps.
But food is like 80% of your, like how you're going to feel.
Okay.
You know what I mean?
So what I'm trying to do now is I'm going to eat as much vegetable.
If you eat a stir-fried pan of just broccoli, that has protein in it.
You know what I mean?
I'm eating that.
I'm eating two.
They have these new tuna fish packets.
And you tear them open and mix some, I chipe up some pickles and mayonnaise.
And if I eat like two or three packets of that tuna fish, that's me personally.
And consistently drinking water so you get that pump.
You feel good.
Water, vegetables, low carb, high protein, a lot of water.
It's like cliche because that's obvious.
But when you really, when you repeatedly just do that, do that, do that for days, you start waking up with more energy and you want to work out more.
You feel good.
So once you can get to that stage where you actually want to work out more and you realize, oh, it's like putting gas in your car.
You don't take a Snickers bar and smash it into your gas tank.
It has to be gas.
It has to be pure gas.
You know what I'm saying?
You can't fucking throw some corn nuts and stuff.
Nah, it's like, oh, well, there's wait, tear some fucking Hawaiian punch, the green kind.
Let me see what this does.
You can't do that.
It has to be gas.
So like your body is just like, it requires a certain thing.
And right now, what I'm starting to do is be like, okay, if we were 100 years ago, you know, AC just got invented recently.
You know what I mean?
Like processed food.
I think if I was a caveman, was this around?
So fruits, vegetables, you know what I mean?
Pistachios, almonds, you know what I mean, even like meat.
Like, I try not to eat meat because I'm just like, it had to be a caveman looking at like a lion tearing apart a deer and being like, I guess I'll try that.
Right.
Somebody's eating.
If they're eating it, if that lion is strong and he's eating that, then I should eat it.
And then so imagine that caveman walking up and taking a chunk out of that fly-ridden fucking deer.
You know what I mean?
Then you have to add fire.
But imagine being way back in the day and then you find a fucking kiwi.
You're like, what the fuck is this?
Tarantula butt.
Yeah.
You fucking slice it open.
You're eating that.
Imagine, and that tastes good to us today.
So imagine, like back in the day, like, damn, okay, this is, these are like, these are fucking hidden gems.
Yeah.
And they have vitamins and fruits and it's real.
You know what I'm saying?
So I'm trying to like be on like fruits.
So you're thinking of things that are real, things that somebody could find if they're high, if they're back in the day, they could find.
Yeah, and I think that's what we're supposed to eat.
I think there's hidden like fucking clues in the world and you just have to find them.
But if you're too focused on some bullshit, then you aren't going to be thinking like that.
You're putting the shit in you.
It's how you feel.
It's how you think.
It's how you see.
It's how you, you know what I mean?
Do you think your diet affects the way that you think?
Hell yeah.
If you aren't in a good mood and if you physically, like imagine you're hungover.
If you're hungover, you can't think about how your dog feels.
You can't think about how your friends feel.
If you have a girlfriend, you can't think about that.
You're like, oh, just fucking make me feel better.
I need to feel better.
You know what I mean?
You're thinking inward.
When you think clear, that's why I want to, when you work out early in the morning, blood flowing, blood gets to your brain, like, okay, I'm ready for the day.
I'm good.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
You get that blood flowing and you get thinking clearly, then you give off a whole different radiation.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that's what I'm going towards.
I'm not there yet.
I'm just, I take little bits and pieces that everybody, I see, or that everybody does.
And then I'm like, you can't do everything that somebody says.
No.
And I don't want to give advice to somebody.
But I can tell you what I'm doing right now.
Yeah.
And that's what I'm in right now.
Yeah, your experience.
Yeah, you can only share your experience.
Yeah, that's one thing I've kind of learned over time is, yeah, sometimes I try to be careful with my ego.
You know, like I try to just, because the ego can be so dangerous, you know, so I try to.
If you think, you're thinking inward, you have to outward.
Yeah.
You can't think about shit too much.
Yeah, yeah.
And then I have more fun too.
When I start really getting stuck on myself or stuck on what's going on, I find I get negative.
I get scared.
I operate from a place of fear.
You know what I mean?
You got to, and that's why I want to, if you can get yourself feeling good, then you're like, oh, this is good.
Yeah.
Hair blowing in the wind, riding a bike, you're like, okay.
Dude, this is good.
You were flipping the four-wheeler around.
That was the most fun I had.
Riding that bike, dude.
One of the neighbors looked at me like I might steal something.
I'm like, fuck you.
She didn't want to wave.
I had to wave at it.
Yeah, I saw you fucking start that wave, dude.
It changed her vibe up there.
Hey, how you doing?
She gave a little one to you.
Yeah, she had waved at the other guy in the car.
Hi.
Try to scurry off.
Nah, nah, you're going to wave around here.
Oh, you're going to wave.
Oh, yeah.
You're going to wave, baby.
Wavely estates.
Yeah, dude.
Yeah, welcome.
Welcome to the wave pool.
You know what I'm saying?
This is the deep end.
Yeah, you're going to join the wave.
Yeah, by this afternoon, you're going to be doing this in the yard.
She didn't want to.
She hated that.
She's like, yeah.
Yeah, she did.
Pesky.
He's riding a four-wheeler.
Those hater waves, man.
All right.
Dude, you keep it young.
I can't wait to see this dog park, man.
I can't wait to come and work at it.
I'm going to be the lifeguard in the puppy pool.
Whatever you want.
And if they piss in it, I don't care, but I'm going to look the other way.
Saltwater and laughy taffy.
Saltwater taffies over there.
Free saltwater taffies for everybody.
It's going to be a cooling.
A little cabana.
Some barbecue.
Because people love their pets so much they would love it.
Man, it's a whole different vibe being around animals versus animals.
They don't ask for an Instagram.
Yeah.
They don't care about none of that shit.
They're rocking fur coats, trampling around all day.
All they want is some hugs and fucking lunch meat.
Yeah.
That's beautiful hugs and ham, dude.
Them ham hawks brought us away to something's hard.
Riffrap, man, thank you so much.
I'm so grateful that Simon, you know.
He hooked us up.
He hooked us up.
Somewhere along the line, because he was the first one to show me you.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Yeah, he's always like, yeah, he is always on some new shit.
He's always on the health shit.
He always looks the same.
Yeah.
Looks great.
You know what I mean?
Same 7% body fat for the last 30 years.
Yeah.
Now he's always on the next thing.
And he's somebody else who's very influential just in real life.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, no, man.
He's the one who gave.
I remember he told me that he was a lot of people.
He deserves way more credit than he gets.
To me, he should be in so many movies.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Well, yeah, he should.
I mean, also, he stayed so busy, though.
I think he always.
He definitely is.
Don't live in another world.
Don't get me wrong.
He's not successful.
He's successful.
And he's just got that mobile home, so he travels.
He's always on some shit.
And he's on his own thing.
And I respect that.
Man, definitely, me too.
He's the one, man.
But, dude, it's an honor, and I really appreciate you letting us be here today, man.
Hey, I'm glad to have you.
You're the first human in here.
I know.
That's cool.
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
It was a pleasure to meet Mike.
Pleasure to meet Ari.
All right, I got to get your barber to give me a one-line cut.
Yeah, let's get him on the one line.
He got a...
I get one line.
Yeah.
Give him the one-line.
And then we'll not you up too next time.
Next time.
Gang, bro.
Then you can get that Versace veteran level with the three.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, that's at the dog part.
Yeah, I might need to read the handbook on that one.
He's going good four of Eclipse.
Good.
We'll get it in.
Riff, thank you so much, man.
Thank you.
I really appreciate it.
I appreciate it.
Now, I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking break and let myself on my shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my story.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song.
I will stay here just for me.
And I've been moving way too fast on a runaway train with a heavy load of mine.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
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So great.
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Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
Hi, I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
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