Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ Theo is back from shows in New York. This episode brought to you by… Manscaped Visit https://manscaped.com and use code THEO for 20% off + free shipping and a free travel bag ProFlowers Visit https://proflowers.com, click the microphone in the upper right hand corner, and enter code weekend for 1 dozen roses for only $19.99. Get double the roses and a premium vase for only $9.99 more MeUndies Visit https://meundies.com/weekend to receive 15% off your first pair plus free shipping Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 Music “Shine” by Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn Find Theo Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis Gunt Squad www.patreon.com/theovon Name Aaron Jones Aaron Rasche Aaron Wayne Anselmi Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alexa harvey Andrea Gagliani Andrew Valish Angelo Raygun Anthony Schultz Arielle Nicole Ashley Konicki Audrey Harlan Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Bad Boi Benny Baltimore Ben Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Streit Bobby Hogan Brad Moody Brandon Hoffman Brandon Kirkman Bubba Hodge Carla Huffman Casey Roberts Charles Herbst Christina Christopher Stath Cody Cummings Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh COREY ASHMORE Crystal Dan Draper Dan Perdue Danielle Fitzgerald Danny Crook Danny Gill David Christopher David Smith Donald blackwell Doug Chee Drew Munoz Dusty Baker Evan Green Faye Dvorchak Felicity Black Ginger Levesque Grant Stonex Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia J.P. Jacob Rice Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter Jameson Flood Jason Price Jeffrey Lusero Jenna Sunde Jeremy Johnson Jeremy Siddens Jeremy Weiner Jim Floyd Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joel Henson Joey Piemonte John Kutch Johnathan Jensen Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan R Josh Cowger Josh Nemeyer Julie Ogden Justin Doerr Justin L justin marcoux Kaitlin Mak Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kiera Parr Kirk Cahill kristen rogers Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Laszlo Csekey Lauren Williams Lawrence Abinosa Leighton Fields Marisa Bruno Matt Kaman Meaghan Lewis Megan Daily Meghan LaCasse Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mike Poe Mona McCune Nick Butcher Nick Lindenmayer Nick Roma Nick Rosing Nikolas Koob Noah Bissell OK Passenger Shaming PF24 Gang Gang Qie Jenkins Quinn Hassan Rachael Edwards Rachel Warburton Randal Robert Mitchell Robyn Tatu Rohail Ryan Hawkins Ryan Walsh Sarah Anderson Scoot B. Scott Wilson Sean Scott Season Vaughan Secka Kauz Shane Pacheco Shannon potts Stefan Borglycke Suzanne O'Reilly Theo Wren Thomas Hunsell II Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Travis Simpson Tugzy Mills Tyler Harrington (TJ) Victor Montano Victor S Johnson II Vince Gonsalves William Reid Peters Zach Buckman Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
And I can't figure out if I should put my hat on or hat off.
You ever have that?
And women, y'all are lucky unless it's a like a you know, kind of a woman that do tennis or a lesbian type of lady that likes to wear a man, like a hat.
Then you don't have to regularly decide hat or no hat.
Hat or no hat.
A lot of stuff goes into that when you're a fella, when you're a man, you know, when you're an adult male.
Because it's a matter like, okay, does my hair look nice enough today?
Or do I just hide that shit?
You know?
Just be a hatadactyl, you feel me?
A hat apotamus.
You know, do you, or do you say, look, I'm going to ride with the Lord's drapes today and let your hair go?
You know, I'm going to do that thing a little.
I'm going to do that dangle and let your hair go.
There are days when I feel like I'm losing hair.
Like I woke up in the morning and I'm down maybe 70 hairs or down maybe 60, 80, 100 hair or 100, 200 hairs.
And I say, dang, well, I'm doing hat today.
And there's days when I wake up and I'm feeling full.
Like my hair, like maybe my hair had other hair stay overnight and sleep at the house.
And so suddenly my head looks full of hair.
You know, like it's like a family reunion or something for follicles.
Let's get into the episode.
I'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be so far from my home And my mind is somewhere else But when I find it I'll patch up where it's been blown Now I'm just falling on the breeze And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone
I feel it's beat up I've
been singing just for you Wow, thank you.
Uh hello hello everyone.
I'm coming to you.
It is Monday May 6th in the year 20019 2019 we're calling it or 2019 for people that just do individual numbers But still keep time this is it.
This is where we are You know, this is where we are.
This is where I am.
That's what I'm realizing a little bit today.
This is where I am.
You know, sometimes, and I don't like making decisions, man, this hat thing.
I couldn't, do I go hat?
Do I go no hat?
And then I started thinking, at least men, we have that option.
You got that get out of, you got that get out of, if your hair looks, if your hair is looking a little ugly in the morning, you got that get out of ugly free card.
That hat.
You put the hat on.
A hat is just a small apartment for your head.
Once you get inside a hat, it's almost like being indoors a little bit.
And that's what I've always enjoyed the most about a hat is that you put a hat on and suddenly it's like you're indoors a little bit.
It's like you got a little, you know, like you got a little more, a little more between you and the world.
You got a little bit of, you know, I like being a little bit more comforted.
I'm that comforted cat.
Some cats, you see them out there on the power lines, walking the power lines and doing cigarettes.
And, you know, maybe they'll get their tail cornrowed.
And they're out there fucking, you know, doing dice and shit like that and hanging out, you know, out in Philadelphia or different places, you know.
But I'm that comfort cat.
I like to have a little bit of a hat on sometimes.
You know, I like to put, you know, sometimes I'll put a little bit of cotton in my shirt.
I'll empty a bag of cotton into my shirt.
So people can't see it out here, but I'm comforted.
I got that extra go-on happening.
I got that, you know, I got that, I got that, that fluff inside of me.
I need a little bit more comfort.
You know, sometime I used to have a neighbor and he was real, real big guy.
And they called him, his name was Wayne, but they called him Fat Wayne.
I didn't call him that.
His dad did, actually.
And I'd sleep over at his house sometimes.
And we'd sleep in his bed.
We lay in his bed, you know, because he lived there.
And he had, and that's where he kept his bed, obviously.
And we would lay in his bed.
And when he fell asleep, you couldn't wake him up.
You thought he was dead until he woke up.
And he may have been dead.
He may not even have actually gone to sleep at night.
He may have died and then just risen every morning, you know.
Maybe he just had those religious, you know, he just zoned out and then rezoned back in.
But when he would fall asleep, you know, you could put things on his back.
You could do, you know, you could play soldiers on his back and do little, you know, the army coming up over here, up over the, you know, the scapula and then the other, you know, you could do fighters, you know, Rambo versus, you know, She-Ra.
And you could do different stuff like that on his back.
You know, you could do whatever.
But I remember when I would go to, when I would be time for bed, I would lay down next to him and I put his arm over me.
And his arm had like a tattoo on it or something.
I don't remember what it was.
Let me think about now.
What was that?
It may have been a couple, what was that?
A snowman or something or some bacon.
And I'd put his arm over me.
I'd put his arm over me.
And then that's how I would sleep.
You know, I'm just that comfort cat.
You know, I'm just that comfort cat, man.
I like to have a little bit of extra.
I like to have a little bit.
I need a little more support.
You know, I'm the kind of guy you'll find a training wheel on my back.
Just one.
Just that one hitter.
You know, I'm the kind of guy who if I lay down next to you, I'll throw your arm over me, you know, for a little while.
Now, you know, I'll share.
I'll do you for a while too.
You know, once I get a little rest, I'll wake up and I'll throw one of my arms over you or two arms because I got lean, medium arms.
I got these medium reachers.
I can't even, if somebody with really short arms wants to shake my hand, I can't get there.
You know how there's medium arms.
But I'll put both of them on you so you feel a little bit of comfort as well because I know what it feels like.
You know, I know what it feels like.
Not only do I recognize that I need comfort, but then I have to then also do the inverse of that.
I got to recognize what it feels like if somebody else needs comfort.
Because I have to notice that.
Like if there's something that I have a, that, that, that I require, then there's going to be something that somebody else, then there's, then I should notice that same requirement or deficiency in others immediately.
You know, and that's really been something that has been brought to some of the forefront of my life over the past couple years since I started trying to get into like 12-step and learning about things is that is some of that awareness, just realizing, oh, just how common it is when I have an issue that somebody else have it, that I can notice that issue in them and not accuse them of having it.
I don't even have to say it.
But I could recognize, man, I recognize this person.
They might, I can try to just show them extra comfort.
I'll just take a gamble that they need more comfort.
But I am that, or I, whose was that water?
Oh, Jesus.
I am, I can be that comfort cat.
Thank you guys for being here today.
I did put a hat on for those of you listening over audio.
I am happy.
I'm happy to be here.
Man, I'm going to put a picture up on my Instagram.
I can't even tell you some of the nice, you know, people always bring nice things to some of the comedy shows.
Not always.
You know, for 14 years, nobody brought anything to the comedy shows.
But some people brought a couple of nice gifts this week.
And there's always like nice, no, there's not always, but there's sometimes nice cards and just really sweet messages.
And, you know, I wish I had enough time to just, I have time to read them and to enjoy them.
I wish I had time to discuss all of them.
But some really cool art and some other nice things, man, over there in New York City at the shows.
First, I want to announce, I know everybody in Europe has been hitting me up, which sounds like the craziest thing ever.
Because we might be coming back to Europe.
I want to say that.
You know, but I want to tell you these pre-sale, this is some European tour dates, and these people have been waiting for a long time.
And thank you so much.
So many, like, just nice messages from Ireland and Norway, Sweden, bruh.
From the UK, you know.
And these are the places that I'm going.
Some of these I picked.
Some of these were presented to me.
But whatever.
It doesn't matter.
They go on sale on Tuesday at 10 o'clock local time, European time.
So don't be hitting me up immediately when you hear this podcast and say, I don't see the tickets.
Well, look at your clock.
Look at your calendar, bro, if you do it like that.
I know some people wake up and guess what day it is.
If you do that, then do not bother me.
But if you wake up and look at a calendar and you got that time, the clock piece, okay, the two-hander, don't fucking roll with that one-hander.
That thing's shady.
I remember when I was like nine years old, they came out with like a one-hand clock.
So everybody just fucking a little bit early or a little bit late, man.
You know, people furious.
Oh, people were furious.
You know, I remember that they had a wig shop in our town and it didn't know exactly when to open.
And the lady ended up honestly committing suicide.
And I don't know if it was because of that, but, you know, you got to think if somebody's already wearing a wig, they just, they, they, you know, they, you know, it's touch and go for them.
So suddenly you, you know, somebody comes out with a one-handed clock and people just have to guess how many minutes are going on.
And this, it's just a lot.
But anyhow, these are the dates.
9, September, October.
September 13th in Glasgow at the O2 Academy.
September 15th in Dublin, Ireland at Vicker Street or Vakar Street.
We got two shows there.
November, oh, September 18th, Oslo, Norway at Folkeaterat.
Folketiatrat.
Oh, Folkthiater.
Folktheater.
Okay.
And then, oh, and that's 9-18.
9-17, Stockholm, Sweden at China Teatern.
China Teatern.
9-20 and 9-21 at London.
London, UK, London, UK at Shepherd's Bush over there.
And that's going to be, we got some shows over there.
I think it's four shows.
922, and that's Manchester, UK.
And that's Dance Hall Show number one.
And then 924, 2019, Amsterdam, Netherlands, at De Meerart.
I think that's how you say that.
De Meervaart.
And DeMeervaart, dude, that's when, I mean, that's an old thing.
I remember when we was young, somebody told us you could.
I guess this is a little profane.
Let me just say I'm excited.
Oh, also, the pre-sale code for those dates, the code is ONWARD, O-N-W-A-R-D.
And that's the only way you can get those tickets on pre-sale is the code ONWORD.
That way, that only TPW listeners can get them or just people that are in our world.
I'll post that on social medias as well.
And only people that are in our world can get them.
So we get first shot at it.
So that's why they have that pre-sale code.
Because I said to the man, the man said, we want to do pre-sale code.
I said, what are we going to do about that?
I said, everybody have to remember a magical word to get something?
You know, where are we?
I mean, are we in a fable?
Are we in a, you know, are we in, you know, Rompelstiltskin?
Why does somebody have to remember a magical word to get something?
Is this the bridge to Terebehia, blood?
So I'm saying that.
That's why the pre-sale code, it makes sure you can access the tickets.
And that ends on Friday at 10 a.m.
local time in Europe, European time.
And so that's it.
It starts Tuesday and goes to Friday.
And the code is onward.
And thank you guys so much for your support.
I'm really, man, I'm nervous because like, dude, there's nothing scarier to me than going on to a stage where you don't know if people are going to get the way the joke is, the jokes or the humor or whatever.
And you have to tell the jokes.
Because I tell stories, man, if you ain't on the beginning of a story, you ain't just going to pop in about seven minutes into that, bastard.
So, but I'm grateful and I'm happy to be going there.
And I'm happy that you guys will be there.
And thank you so much for everybody, the support, man.
So many people have bought tickets to the shows around the U.S. And I'm so grateful, man.
I'm going to take some time off for myself here in the next couple weeks and do some less this past weekends.
We'll have some.
And we got Trick Lung Mickey coming in.
Everybody knows him.
He's cystic fibrosis survivor.
And we, you know, I was fortunate enough to meet him.
We were fortunate enough to meet him I think maybe nine months before when he was on transplant list.
And then he got them new hitters, you know.
He got them new huff-huff nutsacks into his chest about one year ago.
So we're celebrating the one-year anniversary by having trick-along Mickey in here.
And he's got those new fucking baby bags, you know, them new whistle makers.
He's got new lungs.
Somebody died and he got the lungs, man.
You know, somebody died and now and now Nikki, you know, Mickey's playing the fucking bag, you know, Mickey's playing somebody else's bagpipes.
But that's the system.
That's how it goes.
Well, that leads me into this, man.
I'll say this, perfect timing.
Support for this past weekend comes from Manscaped, who is number one in men's below-the-belt grooming.
Manscaped offers precision-engineered tools for manscaping with the right tool for the job.
And Manscaped, and I got their package.
They got that 2.0 kit.
It features that lawnmower trimmer with that skin-safe technology.
And they got them tools where you could really jump.
You know, you could unjunk your junk and unfunk your skunk.
You feel me?
It's 100% waterproof.
They're shock-resistant.
This trimmer won't nick or snag your nuts.
Shout out to Premature Nick, our producer.
Your balls will thank you.
And you can get 20% off that manscaped.
If it's Mother's Day, but your father's kind of a little bit of a bitch, then get him this.
Happy Mother's Day, Dad.
20% off free shipping and a free travel bag with code Theo at manscaped.com.
That's 20% off with free shipping and a free travel bag at manscaped.com and use code Theo.
But Mirvart, man, we used to do, so somebody told me when I was young, you know, I remember when I was a kid, somebody told us that if you, this is a little bit grotesque, and I'm sorry to get like this.
I know it's, well, it could be morning when you're listening.
If you fought, you know, if you did body gas, if you did gas out of your body, out of your butt, then on a mirror that you could see it.
You know, that in regular, if you just, you know, did body gas out of the air, you can't see it.
You know, you could, obviously, it has a, you know, mostly violent scent.
You know, every maybe 2,000 body gases, you'll get one that's really, you're like, damn, they should, you know, make a good candle out of that one.
That's, you know, something, you know, things are going well.
But the other 1,999 attempts at body gas, you get something naughty, you know.
You get that, you know, you just get that booty ghost that's out there that's haunting people's senses.
But someone had told us, I remember when I was a kid, someone told us, maybe they just wrote it on the sidewalk with a knife, but that if you did body gas on a mirror, if you were sitting on a mirror or near a mirror, like with your butt up, you know, stood on the sink with your butt against the mirror, and you did a gas that you could see it then.
It would take a, you know, as if it was a ghost or something, I guess.
That's how we thought.
Oh, I could see it.
I could see what's, you know.
And so that was it, man.
We'd sit on these mirrors.
You know, we got a couple mirrors.
They had an old lady that lived.
I mean, everybody had this old lady that lived.
We had an old lady that lived probably about two and a half blocks away.
And her house, I think, burned down at some point.
I mean, that usually happens with a lot of those older women.
But before it happened, we'd go over there and she would give us, you know, a little couple dimes or whatever to water the plants and do this and that, you know, look for the cats.
And I'll tell you this, honestly, man.
She only had probably two cats, but she paid us to find about nine cats.
So we'd take one of the cats, bring it in there, show it to her.
She would, you know, say its name and pet it.
Then we'd let it go and say, okay, we're going to find the other one.
And then we'd go find the same, you know, they only had two.
So we'd find the other one, bring it in, and just keep going back and forth until she thought she'd seen them all.
But really, it was just two cats.
We were psych, you know, we were, you know, the old, the old cat, you know, cat switch game.
Well, so we got, you know, we, so next thing you know, we showed her all the cats.
We got these dimes or whatever.
But anyway, she had some nice mirrors.
So I know we'd be over there.
And once you got the cats out of the way, we could hang out in her house.
She didn't even know we're in there.
You know, we'd climb on the shelves and, you know, look at books or whatever, look at little trinkets and this and that.
And she had nice drawers, heavy wood.
And you pull open a heavy wood drawer and you smell wood, you know, and it was.
It just had a different experience, you know, being over there.
You know, all of her stuff felt kind of old and mysterious, bruh.
You know, it felt like you could just open up a can of peas or a can of carrots at her house and a damn spirit would pop out.
It had that kind of momentum was just built into the environment.
Well, anyway, so what am I fucking telling?
What am I talking about?
Oh, so she had these nice mirrors, big ones that we could set on the floor, take them off the wall, set them on the floor, and you do body, you sit on there with your butt out, do body gas, and look for the ghost, you know?
But we never saw anything.
You know, we never saw, I mean, people would lie and say they saw something, but nobody ever saw anything, man.
But that reminds me of that Mirvaert.
And that's at De Meervaart in Amsterdam, Netherlands.
And that's September 24th, and that's that.
But yeah, thank you everybody so much, man.
I'm overwhelmed at the amount of support of people that are going to come out and see the show.
It's just, you know, man, it just really feels like a dream come true in a lot of ways.
So thank you.
Thank you very, very much to everyone.
Everyone that came out of New York City this weekend, man, it was a wild time.
I mean, Carl Lentz popped through, the pastor, and he's going to come and be a guest at some point.
We had a father-son pair that came through that had, you know, they drove for about two hours.
We had people that drove from Vermont, people that drove from Delaware, people that drove down from Canada and came in.
We had a young man, I'll put this thing on my Instagram, give me a beautiful skateboard, like Beyoncé, you know, like that, you know.
And they had, I mean, just some really nice gifts.
Somebody gave me a Daryl Strawberry book, really cool, and then a taxi because everybody knows I do that story.
But let me get into a little bit of this episode, man, while I still have my hat on and while I'm still feeling, you know, you know, like I'm that comfort cat.
Oh, we've been a lot of cats in this episode.
Just realize that.
Yeah, man, we go to that lady's house.
And you know what?
I wonder in hindsight, maybe she knew that she only had two cats.
You know, maybe she knew.
Maybe we thought that she didn't have the awareness, but she did.
And so that way we just got to spend more time over there.
And it gave us something to do.
Maybe she knew we didn't have much to do, you know?
And she would do that.
You know, and I remember now, actually, she split a can of them Frank and Wiener.
You know, used to have these cans, bean and wieners.
They used to have these cans called bean and wieners.
And it was a can of beans and wiener.
And they cut up half a wiener in there.
And it looked like they cut the wiener with a spoon because the edges of the wiener cut, they weren't straight.
There were those convex, them convex cuts.
You get that ween.
You know, usually you get a cut of wiener.
It's the width of the wien, and then it's that where the cuts are, them chops.
But on these big weenie beaners.
On these weening beaners, they had the cuts on the wiener were, you know, convex or something, like you're trying to see the moon, you know, through glass.
But the shit, man, what I'm talking about, but she would cut open a can of those and we'd have them over there.
Me and little Daniel be over there having them, man.
And I'll tell you this about Daniel, man.
People forget about him and don't want to think about him.
Dude, Daniel was up to no good, man.
Most of the time.
But I'll say this, a lot of times they had rumors going around.
This is back when rumors was really the most popular way to know about stuff.
And these days, thanks to all the, you know, mainstream media being a bunch of dog shit, it's welcome back rumors.
So the, you know, Daniel would get in there and he he would eat the wean, he'd eat, you know, he'd always steal a chunk of my wean out of the out of my bean and wieners, you know?
And in hindsight, I remember a couple times he got sick because he stole that chunk.
See, there's just two sides.
There's two sides to everything, you know.
He stole that chunk and he got sick and I didn't get sick because I would just wait to see how he did, how he fared after that chunk of Frank.
And then I would just bean around him.
If he looked like he was getting real sweaty, halfway into his own bowl, I say, damn, I'm, you know, you know, you know, you've heard of Frank Sinatra.
Well, I'm saying cyanara franks because I'm saying bye-bye to these frank chunks, to these, you know, wean, these wean cuts.
And I wouldn't have them because little Daniel be over there sweating, dude.
And when he sweated shirt, he had this like a, I guess his shirt, he had maybe one of those constricting shirts.
So when he got real sweaty, his shirt would get even smaller.
But let's get into a couple of calls, man.
Those European dates are out.
Thank you.
You know, so much, a lot of people have called in last week.
I was talking about, you know, father-son relationship.
And man, I got so many nice responses and messages.
And just wanted to say thank you.
Just thanks for, you know, just thanks for not judging me while I think about stuff.
You know, I appreciate that.
Like, you know, that's why I don't like, sometimes it's hard to be in this world, I think, for a lot of us because we created an environment.
We didn't.
The dark arts created an environment where we can't even think or feel or share sometimes without being judged.
You know.
And I'm not saying that I don't do that sometimes.
We all do it.
But I'll be damned if some, if there's people out there making a business out of it.
Man, it makes me mad.
So, but maybe inadvertently I do, you know, like I, we never know what we do sometimes until we figure it out.
But I just want to say I get a lot of nice, just people that can relate, people that are sharing their own stories with me.
And it just makes me feel.
And then when I hear somebody else's story or they're sharing something, man, it makes me feel like a human.
Because it makes me feel, wow, you know, I have feelings.
I care about what this person's saying.
I have feelings, man.
It reminds me.
It reminds me that I have feelings.
Because the feelings, man, the sugar lizard goes for whatever.
But whatever that other animal is, that feeling animal, he's more like a sloth.
He's around the surface, man, but he gets scared to kind of peek around sometime.
Maybe he is like a cat.
Maybe that feeling line or that feel line, that feel line.
Yeah.
That's what it is, man.
So if I don't go with that sugar lizard, then I can be patient and I can have a little bit of that feel line.
Feel what choice I'm making.
Not just that sugar lizard.
Get whatever.
What is that?
A Snicker?
A titty?
Whatever.
You got to beware of that sugar lizard, that first thing.
And that's who all these advertisers and all these, you know, all those bulls, that's who they selling to?
They selling to that sugar lizard.
Oh, you got a dime?
Let me set that right over there.
What's that, a Twinkie?
What's that, a nipple?
What's that a fake, you know, fake, you know, a neck installment or whatever?
Fake titty?
They sell you all of that.
Set it right there.
That's what you need.
Get that, let that sugar lizard bites, whatever.
First thing out there.
But when you let that, when you just wait, don't sugar, don't sugar.
You can sugar, you can feel the sugar, don't lizard.
Don't let that fucking little reptile rep.
Don't let him rep you.
I wait back.
I try and wait back.
Let that feel line.
What do I feel?
What do I really need to do for me right now to be okay?
Thank you.
Thank you.
What do I really need to do right now to be okay?
To really be okay?
And that feel line, man, I notice whenever, you know, people come up and are accepting and, you know, sharing or just, you know, I'm just grateful to have an environment here where we can share stuff and not feel judged.
And maybe there are people out there that judge.
And sometimes, look, man, I'll be the first to tell you, sometimes I'm a real quasse, you know?
Sometimes I'm way too caught up in my feelings and I can't get out of it.
You know, and that's where I am right now.
But I also, you know, I mean, I try to be out there and get past some of this stuff.
And I feel a lot better than I used to.
You know, I got a lot more tools.
But every now and then, your feelings flare up.
And that's okay.
I mean, sometimes we go through episodes, we don't even talk about anything like that.
But I just want to say I'm grateful to have that sort of environment here where people don't always just sugar lizard.
Oh, look at this love pass here, talking about his feelings again.
Because I think we have a world that don't let us feel enough, that don't let us explore enough, you know, that don't let us just be brave to share and to say, you know, and we don't do that here.
You know, we don't, I mean, I hear this in a lot of different rooms, but we don't hear our, we don't, we don't, we don't kill our wounded.
This ain't Hollywood.
Whatever.
I don't know what I'm talking about now.
I'm just getting weird.
Okay, let's get into a couple of calls, man.
Thank you guys so much for the calls.
Thank you guys so much for hitting the hotline as always.
985-664-9503.
A lot of cities have new tickets that went on sale for the regular shows.
So you could check your city.
I think Vancouver has a new show now on Wednesday night up there.
Austin, we added a show.
I believe Sacramento, we added a show.
So there's other shows in the U.S. that have new ones.
So thank you so much for your support.
I also want to say if you want to support the podcast, get your crotch well and get your crotch warm.
You know, sometimes I need that extra protection, that extra softness by my junk.
You know, you spend about 90% of your life in your underwear.
That's crazy, isn't it?
Think about that.
Okay, you thought about it.
Don't you think you owe it to yourself to make sure you're wearing them softest undies in town?
Don't you want women or men, if you also have time that you do stuff with men or prefer that, that you want that woman or that man to say, damn, you know, he, he, you know, he had kind of a small wiener, but he had the softest undies in town.
That's what you want him to say.
They're so soft.
You don't even know you had them on.
Dude, the other day, I thought I was stripping.
I thought I was stripping, right?
I had a dream.
I was in a strip club.
I think I'm on the pole.
I'm butt naked.
Nobody's giving me any money because I had on me undies.
So soft, you don't notice them.
They got all kinds of different prints and styles, little, you know, doodads and this and that, jangle bell, Christmas shape, hearts, whatever.
And they got matching stuff for you and the ladies.
You know, that way maybe you guys both decide, okay, if we match tonight, we do a little bit of sexual.
And if we don't match, then we do it tomorrow night.
That way you leave it up to the gods.
Men can now try the new boxer brief with the fly in them, which is the same great cut as boxer brief, but now with an added option for guys who prefer to go through the gate versus over the fence.
It's the go-to for the softest loungewear on the planet.
Me Undies got them loungewares.
Meundies has a great offer for TPW listeners.
When you order Me Undies, you get 15% off and free shipping.
That's a no-brainer.
Get 15% off a pair of the most comfortable undies you will ever put on.
15% off your first pair, free shipping, and 100% satisfaction.
Go guarantee.
Go to meundies.com slash weekend.
And again, that's meundies.com slash weekend.
And I think if you just get individual pairs, you may get 50% off all of them.
You may.
That's not definite, but I think that you do.
But try them out.
meundies.com slash weekend.
Also, Mother's Day is coming up.
It's this week, so do something now.
Take that action now.
Get those Mother Nature hitters for your mother.
Today's episode is brought to you by Pro Flowers.
Mother's Day is coming up.
And don't be that boy that's, you know, drawing your mom something in the other room with a piece of, you know, printer paper and a black Sharpie at the last minute.
Love you, mom.
I owe you.
Don't do that.
You know, I've had a lot of special moms in my life over the years.
You know, my own mother.
You know, a woman named Belinda that I know cared about me a lot when I was real young.
She was a babysitter, but she was very motherly.
One of my kindergarten teachers, Miss Pam.
One of my first teachers, Miss Connetton.
Who else?
Mr. Alder.
He was almost like a mother to me.
He was a sawhead.
You know, he was a tender man.
Who else?
Miss Trudy, Miss Wendy, Miss Frankie, you know, Miss Linda.
You know, one of my best friends, Ryan, when I was in college, he passed away, and his mother and I have been friends since.
And she just got married, and God bless them.
Bless her heart, man.
Beautiful lady.
But anyway, those are all women that I could get something special for, and they wouldn't think anything of it.
Pro Flowers lets you choose from a variety of bouquets and unique vases that suit every mom's lifestyle.
Your mom likes to do guns and everything.
She's in the army.
Get that grenade launcher vase with a couple of little, you know, florals in it.
Then you simply select the delivery date you want.
Pick out the bouquet.
Pick out the vase.
Pro Flowers carefully packages your flowers and delivers them fresh from the farm.
These flowers ain't coming from some trap house.
They ain't going to have a little bit of coke dust on a petal.
One of the orchids ain't going to be fucking addicted to opioids.
One of them opi orchids.
You know, he's over there, you know, and he, you know, he's beautiful, but he's also fucking, you know, he's stuffing things in his own stem hole, you know, them pills, them hitters, them fentanyls.
Your mother will love it.
Right now, get one dozen assorted roses for $19.99.
And you can double the roses and get a premium vase for just $9.99 more.
Visit proflowers.com.
Click the microphone in the upper right corner and enter the code weekend.
That's proflowers.com.
Click the microphone and the code is weekend.
Mother's Day is May 12th.
So don't wait.
Order like a pro and get this amazing rose deal to thank all the moms in your life.
Wow, that's pretty cool.
And don't forget, man, don't forget to thank those mothers.
And I want to thank actually right now, you know, all our Patreoners.
Sorry, I feel like I'm talking too much.
Sometimes I just get kind of going and I feel like I'm talking too much sometimes.
You know, the people that support our Patreoners, that's how we are able to do nice things for the single moms and get that cash where we hide the, you know, we hide money in the hotel room for the cleaning ladies.
And those things are on the YouTube.
But that's what our Patreon goes to.
Our Patreon isn't really big.
A lot of people run their whole podcast off their Patreon.
We don't do that here.
And that's okay.
No shade on anybody's, but how we find things to do outreach and stuff is through our Patreon.
And I just want to say that we are going to reach out to all the single moms that we've brought out to shows over the past year, year and a half.
And we're going to send all of them some flowers.
So I just thought of that.
But we're going to do that.
So that's something our Patreon is going to do.
So if you are a Patreon supporter, just know that already this weekend, you bought flowers for about 12 different single moms around America.
And the cards, they don't say that this from me.
It says this from us.
And so I hope you feel good about that because I do.
You know, I do.
You know, I was thinking the other day that when we look at our mother, and this has been on my mind a lot, when we look at our mom, if you're raised by a single parent, as a child, you look at that parent and you hold them accountable for motherly stuff and fatherly stuff.
You don't even realize it because you need it all.
You need it all as a child.
And we hold our mom accountable for fatherly ways.
And not only that, but then the mother also has to be a father.
And it gets really jumbly, man.
For me, it did anyway.
You know, I'm sorry.
For me, it got jumbly.
And only now am I able to kind of look through some of that and start to be able to sort it out and wonder, well, why do I, why this and why that?
You know, am I holding my mother accountable for things that a father should have been there for?
Am I holding my father for things that a mother should have been there for?
And not even knowing, not even realizing it.
But Mother's Day is a great opportunity to reconnect with somebody that you care about.
So from me to all the single moms out there, we love you guys and thank you for all the hard work that you do.
And we know it's not easy sometimes.
You know, I can only imagine if your husband or something, whoever who created this child with you left you and men too.
You know, if whoever created that child with you left and left you to care about them, man, there's got to be an anger there, an angst.
You know, that, man, they didn't even care about it, enough about you to stay in this.
They didn't care enough about the child to really stay in it or to help.
And then you have to be even stronger and not tell the kid that.
You can't really bastardize that other parent.
Because it's, so I'm sure just a lot of levels going on.
I'm not in that space, but I can only imagine what it's like.
You know?
But, man, what a beautiful job.
What else?
Oh, so I got a couple of Patreon questions that came in.
So these are Victor S. Johnson II asked, in a previous episode, you mentioned you don't feel a sense of community out in Los Angeles.
Has that changed at all?
You know what?
Since podcasting, it has changed.
I've kind of built my own community a little bit.
We've built a community.
And also since I got into 12-step programs, since I got into that sort of thing, for me, I have much more of a sense of community.
I have people every day now that I can call and reach out to that are reaching out to me.
You know, I have meetings that I go to where I meet up with others.
So there has been a sense of community there.
At the comedy store, that's become a sense of community.
It's just taken a lot longer to find.
And I do think also that LA to me just feels more and more like an airport.
It feels like an international airport.
Even all the way from when you leave the airport at LAX, it still feels like an airport.
Like the whole time I'm here, whether I'm at home, at work, wherever, it all feels like a big extension of the airport.
So you know that feeling you have when you're in an airport?
You know, people are passing, you're seeing them, you're, oh yeah, let's do this, but everybody's just taking off.
Everybody's coming back or taking, that's what LA always feels like to me everywhere.
So I think within that space, it's hard to have a sense of community when there's just so much motion going on.
But I'm grateful, you know, I got guys like Brennan Schaub.
I got producer Nick.
You know, I got little Gianni, who's, you know, the, you know, the movie star Twink.
He's, you know, we just got, you know, there's a group that I have.
Yeah, so it's gotten better.
That's the short answer.
But thank you for the question.
That's from our Patreon supporter, Victor Johnson.
Let me see.
What else?
Angel Perez said, your comedy is always so creatively descriptive.
Have you ever written any short stories or things that aren't comedy?
Yeah.
Yeah, I have.
You know, I've tried to get some books published over the years.
I haven't tried in a while.
Just about growing up, you know, one fiction and one nonfiction.
One just like growing up and just how fear kind of ran a lot of my life and just how, you know, the first memories I have are just of being afraid of stuff.
You know, I remember when my father was, you know, obviously, I'm not going to say again how old my father was.
I always say it.
But one of my first memories was I remember walking, I woke up at night and I walked into this other room in our house and my sister was real sick.
You know, she was born with a rare disease and she needed a transplant and My father was like rocking her in this rocking chair, and he was crying, and he was real sad, you know.
And I knew that my sister was sick, and I saw him crying, and it just like, you know, I don't know, it just made me real scared.
It made me scared out of the beginning.
But yeah, I've written some stuff about that.
I've written some funny stories.
And I think as I get a little bit more settled, after I get done touring, next year I'm going to try to focus a little bit more on getting back to some writing, creating some fun stuff that's not touring as much.
Because this touring takes a lot out of me right now.
And then one more from Faye Divorce Shack.
What books or movies have had an impact on the way you think about things?
What was going on in your life at the time that you read or saw them, and how did they change your thinking?
Oh, wow.
I don't know about some of that.
That's deep.
What books or movies?
You know, I like that movie, Bridges of Madison County.
You know, there's just a moment of choice in there, a moment of love, a moment of comfort, you know.
It just shows how people's lives can interact and they're not really, you know, how every decision you make isn't so.
Well, it just shows that you can get love in different places and that there's different levels to love and different parts of love.
Some love you get from here and some love you get from there.
So I like that movie, Bridges of Madison County, and it's about bridges, man.
Bridges, you know?
Because think about this.
Before bridges, what?
People had to try and jump over something.
So if you wanted to get a message to somebody across the whatever, water, you know, or whatever, dragon area, you had to fucking get a buddy.
Feed him a bunch of steaks and everything.
Train him.
You know, get him a rosary, a couple rosaries.
You know, tell him he was going to make it.
And then send him out there running.
And the dragon got him.
You know what I'm saying?
So bridges are everything.
Bridges are really.
Because before that, you had to get wet or get eaten or get burnt.
I mean, bridges.
Name, you know, name 11 other things that are better than that.
Over time, maybe.
And, you know, and everybody did a bridge.
That wasn't just Benjamin Franklin hogging all the, you know, old B. Frankie hogging all the damn inventions.
Everybody did a bridge, Ben.
So sorry, I shouldn't have got upset about that, but that shit kind of, you know, a lot of times all these old people that is put, you know, you know, Einstein, fucking who else?
What's that guy's name?
Miserak, Steve Miserak.
Yeah, all these people say they invented everything.
Thomas Jefferson, TJ, oh yeah, you guys did it all.
But no, everybody did bridges.
But I'll have to get more deeper into that one another time, Faye.
But thank you for that question about, you know, what things were going on in your life at the time you read or saw them.
I don't remember.
My brain doesn't work like that.
My memory is not that strong in that sense.
But thank you for your support.
And that is definitely one of my favorite movies and books.
And that Bridge of Madison County, that's word for word book, movie for movie.
And The Patriot, as always, you know, is one of my favorite movies ever and probably always will be.
Aim small, miss small.
I can't solve a big problem, man, but I could solve this little small one.
And that'll get me to the next little small one.
Gang Gang, man.
Let's get to a couple of calls that came in because I'm about to go get lunch.
Onward.
Oh, hold on, messed up.
Okay, onward.
Gang Gang, what's up, Theo?
Gang Gang, brother.
Onward.
Man, I love you, bro.
I just went to your show in New York City.
You did a really great job.
Made my birthday really special.
You know, well, thank you, man.
I appreciate that.
Yeah, that club, I don't think that they did a good job.
They tried to hurry the VIP, you know, the meet and greets and hurry it up at the end of the show.
They were flashing the lights on us.
You know, I don't know what, and hopefully everybody's experience was great.
But, you know, the guy, it definitely wasn't, you know, it wasn't, I hope you guys' experience was good.
I'll just leave it at that.
Because, yeah, just the music, just things that, you know, are basic things.
It didn't seem like they cared that much about the people coming to the shows.
But it's a Times Square business down there in Times Square, and it's just, you know, they're just running people.
It felt like a diner where they did comedy at.
But I appreciate everybody that came.
Let's hear more, man.
Sorry, I was being a little negative.
I met you after the show.
You told me that, you know, you might have relapsed with the cigarette hitters.
But it's all right, man.
You know, there's another day, another dollar, and we're out here.
And, you know, I was good for three months, no cigarettes, and then I recently also started again.
But, you know, we'll put some hitters, you know, and you just got to try again and try again until they say the success gets better the more attempts you do and the longer days that you've been off and things.
Once again, I appreciate it.
Oh, yeah.
And then Monday's podcast.
Yeah, thanks, man.
Yeah, I got back on them cigarettes about a week ago.
And so some of it is I just get so Tired and just so exhausted, it's like I just don't have anything.
I can't sleep.
Saturday night, I couldn't even sleep.
I was up all night.
Dude, I've never been up all night since I was, I don't even know, since I probably had colic or something as a child.
Or if there was a snake in the room, I could never sleep if there was a snake in the room.
But yeah, so I've been back on them rits, man.
Gang, onward.
Remember last Monday's podcast, I wanted to ask you, you know, like you were talking a lot about your dad and stuff and your feelings, you know, relationship there.
Do you think you'd be a different comedian if you had, if you were a father yourself, you know?
That's a good question.
Would I be a different comedian if I were a father myself?
You know, it's funny, sometimes I think I'm afraid to get into a family and that sort of thing because it'll change the way that I see the world a little bit.
And I'll just want to make sure I get everything out of the way I see the world right now.
Or yeah, or would I have anything to joke about then?
Will I just be some, you know, such an emo nemo, I'll turn into a damn emo shark, you know, and then I'll just be, you know, just holding my son, just crying on like the bank of a river all the time.
Like, you know, I just, so I start to wonder, like, yeah, I just, I don't know.
It's like I'm kind of at a little bit at a place where I'm comfortable.
You know, I'm that comfort cat.
And so I don't know if, you know, it gets scary for me to think, oh, well, if I have a family, am I still going to be able to be okay?
Because I don't want to damage them either.
You know, I don't want to damage, you know, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to mess up.
You know, I don't want to mess up some little kid's life or, you know, shoot, I don't want to create single moms.
That's not the thing that we're trying to do.
So, but that's a good question, man.
I appreciate you calling, man.
As always, the hotline 985-664-9503.
Let's take another call here.
Hey, Theo, this is Chrissy from Atlanta.
Hey, Chrissy from Atlanta.
Thank you for calling.
I appreciate you calling from that ATL.
I heard your podcast about how you felt like you used to be maybe ashamed of your father.
And I wanted to say, you know, my dad was never really a fancy guy.
In Atlanta, everyone's dads go to golf clubs all the time.
Oh, yeah, they got a lot of fancy people over there.
I know who you're talking about.
I know exactly what you're talking about, the fancy.
Onward.
Everyone's dads are buying new cars, and that's just kind of how dads are here.
My dad's from Ecuador, so he has always just, he does not care at all what he looks like or anything.
But it really, for me, I felt like it made me more of a proud person and realize what happiness was much more because instead of golfing and buying cars, my dad was like building bombs and blowing them up in the backyard, making kayaks out of wood, collecting abandoned TVs and using them, like using the screens to make fires in the backyard.
Oh, wizardry.
It sounds like you're talking about some real wizardry.
But no, I know what you're talking about.
It's like you got to see more of a creative type of dad instead of, you know, a lot of times, and this does happen with a lot of tradition in different communities, I find that people just live into these streams of tradition and they don't create their own kind of canals of creativity a lot of times.
It sounds like your father was definitely doing, you know, was doing a little bit more creativity.
And in creativity, you get to see who someone is.
You get to see some of the colors of them onwards.
Doing cool stuff.
And for me, that was actually a better way to grow up.
And so I'm grateful for that, you know?
But thanks.
Well, it sounds like you got to have a unique experience with your dad.
Yeah, it's so weird, too.
It's like, you know, we just don't realize some stuff when we're young.
And sometimes we realize it later.
You know, and we don't know.
And that's life, isn't it, man?
It's like you play a lot of the game and then like years later you kind of get to watch the game back and review how it went.
It always feels like that.
It's so hard to get...
To get...
I don't know.
It's so hard to get where your where who you are and the way you feel about life matches up in real time with what's going on.
And maybe some of that just comes with time and age.
Let's take another call here.
Thank you for that call, young lady.
Hey Seo, this is Raid Matt.
And I'm from California, but I'm in the rodeo.
What's up, Reed, dude?
Rodeo.
I've been thinking about rodeo.
That's crazy that you called.
Man, I've been thinking about the rodeo, boy.
I like going to the rodeo, seeing those Wranglers, seeing that hat, seeing them buckles, seeing them, yeah, yeah, yeah, them steeds.
I ride me bucking horses, saddle bronz, bucking horses.
Hell yeah, dude.
Saddle Bronc's amazing.
It's like learning to drive, like when you first learn to drive a stick shift, but in a fucking F-15 Tomcat.
Onward.
I've been to a lot of rodeos across the country or whatnot.
I'm only about 20 years old, so I got a long lifetime of rodeo left.
But it's kind of hard to do that and going to college.
I'm a sophomore this year at the Fresno State University.
Nice, man.
Congratulations on your sophomore ship, man.
You're getting it done.
Onward.
And in between classes, man, I set up my schedule weird, so I got a lot of breaks in between my classes.
And I listen to your podcast and the King of the Sting and the Buzz and the Thing and whatnot.
King and the Sting's pretty funny, brother.
That one's such a goofy.
And we just goof around in there onward.
I listen to all them.
And man, I would be lying if I said I didn't get my hairstyle after you.
I got a little bit of a rat tail.
PG, brother, praise God.
PTL, baby, praise the Lord.
And my brother's got that rat tail too, man.
Can't be in.
I had a full moment, but I decided to go in like kind of a mohawk and leave the tail in the back.
I'm kind of upset with Chin or whoever runs the submissions department for the King of the Skin.
I sent in a video a few weeks back and freaking, I don't know if Shin filters through all the cool videos that they send in and he kicks them out or whatnot, but mine didn't get in there and I didn't watch it for a week or so, so I was kind of upset.
Wanted to see how you guys react to talking about the rodeos and whatnot.
Well, you know what?
I'll see if I can talk to them over there and see if we can't get that through because I'd love to think about the rodeos.
And I think that's a great topic, man.
And gang, gang, and I appreciate you sending that in, bro.
And you know what's so funny?
When I was in New York City, man, I met a police officer.
And his hair, his horse had a haircut same as mine.
And I said, is that your horse?
And he said, yeah, yeah, that's my horse.
I'm on it.
And so I figured, you know, probably was his.
And then I said, well, who cut his hair?
And he kind of looks around.
He's like, ah, I'll be honest.
I kind of fucked it up.
I was like, damn, bro.
I didn't think it was going to be him that was doing it, though, man.
But I appreciate that honesty.
And the horse looked a little shy, you know, like, you know, like people, you know, like he had gotten kind of a rough cut, man.
He needed, like he needed a little bit more comfort, cotton on his body.
Next week, we'll do a special Mother's Day episode.
I got to go.
And I'm sorry that we're late this week, but I'm really excited to be coming over to Europe.
I can't even believe this, man.
Like I'm saying things that are like dreams come true.
And now I'm saying them like they're just regular things.
So maybe I just need it to sign.
I just need to watch my ego.
My ego could be getting weird, you know?
The ego is so dangerous, man.
So dangerous, huh?
So I'm grateful this week.
I don't have to go anywhere.
I can just spend some time kind of trying to think about other people than myself.
You know, man, I get tired of myself.
You know, I'm grateful, but man, I get tired.
You know, I just, it's weird.
The only way that I really can feel, feel good at a core place, at like a place that, you know, like in the center, like in my aorta, you know, in my, like the core of my aortas, man, is if I'm able to do something for somebody else.
I think that's the only way that humanity work, that we work.
You know, I don't know.
What the hell do I know?
But be good to yourselves, man.
I know that you guys deserve it.
I meet so many people from this podcast and I'm out on the road.
And it's an honor.
You know, it's an honor.
And for the people that I don't get to meet, we'll meet you next time.
I know some of the VIP tickets are sold out for different places.
I'll do some just meet and greets after for everybody.
We'll figure it out.
Okay, we'll figure it out.
And thank you guys for being good to me.
I appreciate it.
And be good to yourselves.
Don't forget those flowers from Mother's Day or something, a card, anything.
I'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be so far from my home.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Suiar.
Is it there?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
Hi, I'll take a quarter powder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
