Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ Back from Kansas City. This Episode Brought to You By Bidelegance Search “Bidelegance” on Amazon Use code “10TheoVon” for 10% off plus free shipping MeUndies https://MeUndies.com/Weekend For 15% off your first pair + free shipping Capterra https://Capterra.com/Theo To find the best software solution for your business Grey Block Pizza http://greyblockpizza.com/ 1811 Pico Blvd Santa Monica, CA 90046 Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 Gunt Squad To Join: https://www.patreon.com/theovon Name Aaron Jones Aaron Rasche Aaron Wayne Anselmi Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alexa harvey Amelia Andrea Gagliani Andrew Valish Angel Perez Angelo Raygun Anthony Schultz Arielle Nicole Ashley Konicki Audrey Harlan Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Bad Boi Benny Baltimore Ben Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Streit Brad Moody Brandon Hoffman Brandon Kirkman Carla Huffman Casey Roberts Charles Herbst Christina Christopher Stath Cody Cummings Cody Hanas Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Crystal Dan Draper Dan Motti Dan Perdue Daniel Chase Danielle Fitzgerald Danny Gill David Christopher David Smith Donald blackwell Doug Chee Drew Munoz Erin Weatherford Faye Dvorchak Felicity Black Felix Theo Wren Gaz Cooper Ginger Levesque Grant Stonex J Garcia J.P. Jacob Rice Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter Jameson Flood Jason Haley Jason Price Jeffrey Lusero Jenna Sunde Jeremy Johnson Jeremy Siddens Jeremy Weiner Jerry Zhang Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joel Henson Joey Piemonte John Kutch Johnathan Jensen Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan R Joseph Wuttunee Josh Cowger Josh Nemeyer Justin L justin marcoux Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kiera Parr Kirk Cahill kristen rogers Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Laszlo Csekey Leighton Fields Luke Danton Marisa Bruno Matt Kaman Matt McKeen Matthew Azzam Megan Daily Meghan LaCasse Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mike Poe Mona McCune Nick Butcher Nick Lindenmayer Nick Roma Nick Rosing Nikolas Koob Noah Bissell Passenger Shaming Qie Jenkins Quinn Hassan Rachael Edwards Randal Ranger Rick Robert Mitchell Robyn Tatu Rohail Ryan Hawkins Ryan Walsh Sarah Anderson Scoot B. Sean Scott Season Vaughan Shane Pacheco Shona MacArthur Stefan Borglycke Suzanne O'Reilly Taylor Beall Thomas Hunsell II Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Travis Simpson Tyler Harrington (TJ) Victor Montano Victor S Johnson II Vince Gonsalves William Reid Peters Zach Buckman Zak StufflebeamSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Fantasy Painted on the wall It's never too late To come over Time slips away From you and me now So don't hesitate To
come over over why must Sweetway when we're alive, and that right there, that's Stevie Starlight.
Stevie Starlight.
And that's his hit song, Come Over.
And that music video is located on the YouTubes.
You can get on there and get you a free hit of Stevie Starlight whenever you want.
And he came in here a while back and did a music review with us.
And man, it was really enjoyable.
It was really.
You know, he's a special, he's a special, he's just something that, you know, sometimes the Lord just takes a syringe and just injects something, something unique into the universe.
And that is Stevie Starlight.
And that is who he is.
And that is his song, Come Over.
He has a new album out, too, I think, somewhere out there.
So you can go peep it.
Back, it's me.
It's me back in studio.
Or not, it's me, but it's interesting to be back in my own studio, our studio.
Because Chris Dahlia was here.
Fucking Critter Delano was here.
Fucking Crispy Damayani was here.
Okay?
And who knows what he did?
Look, I remember when I came back in after he'd been in here, it smelled like a, you know, sometimes you'll see that fancy store.
They have an airport, Johnston and Murphy's.
And a lot of people don't know the history of Johnston and Murphy's.
And Johnston and Murphy's were two men that, I mean, they had wives, but they wasn't thinking about them.
Let's say that.
And they would, you know, they were constantly trying to just dress better than each other and, you know, tie their shoes faster.
You know, I think it was a man, I think I could look at a Benjamin Johnson and Dustin Murphy and Benny and Dusty.
And they would, you know, they were always trying to have pants that could fit as good as they could and just, oh, just, oh, button my shirt as fast as I can.
And they would just, you know, everything was just perfect.
And they just looked all just so perfect.
And they kept like trying to outdo each other.
One of them would put on a bow tie and one of them would put on a little, you know, a little tight small scarf, you know, and just so tight he could only whisper.
His throat wasn't fully open.
And then one of them would wear real tight socks and just so tight that his legs would look a little plumper because the blood and the extra foot meat would kind of coagulate upward.
It would boil upward and stretch upward, you know, stress upward into his legs because of the tight socks.
And that was Johnston and Murphy.
And finally, they just fell in love with each other.
And that's really, if you notice that store, if you go in there, nobody's in there.
It's at the airport.
And it smells fancy.
It smells leathery.
It smells like somebody just took a damn cow and just beat the walls with it.
I mean, it just smells all leather.
They might even have a little bit of leather dust and they're sprinkling it around.
It might be fake.
That fake leather, you know.
Sometimes you'll see somebody with a little, I bet if you go in there around opening time, 6 a.m.
or whenever, whenever Benny and Dusty allow their little store to be open, you'll see somebody with a little can of fucking leather dust sprinkling that shit and hiding it under the different, the mediums and, you know, putting a little in the bottom of the sock just to get that smell in there.
But if you go in there, it's fancy.
And that's exactly what it smelled like when I got back here from Crust.
What is his name?
Crust de Ip shit.
Crust de Ip shit.
When I got back from when Crust de Ip shit took over the podcast.
It smelled fancy.
It smelled like that Johnson and Murphy's.
And that story, it's kind of a beautiful story.
It's kind of like the Romeo and Juliet of the fashion industry.
Because here you had two men, they had wives and they had lawnmowers.
You know, and one of them had one of them gas-powered blenders that he would, you know, he'd use it at, you know, down in Fort Lauderdale Beach or down in Destin to get the damn, to make a margarita.
You know, he had an 85 outboard motor on a damn blender.
And he mix a margarita.
God, you can make a margarita so fast, bruh, you could lose your arm.
That's how quick that blade was going.
You could lose your damn arm.
You could lose somebody else's arm.
That's how much the blade would spin.
But that's, you know, that's the smell that was in here.
It was a fancier smell, a smell I'm not used to.
And that is the type of smell you get when you have Crisp D'Antoni in here.
And Crisp D'Antoni is a male comedian.
You know who he is.
And he knows who he is.
He's a phenomenal young fellow, Christopher.
And he, he, Chrisopher, I'm not sure how he says it, but he was in here and we switched.
And happy belated April Fools because, dude, I forgot we did it.
And I knew, but I was like, what is this going to be like?
And when I saw him in the studio, when I saw Chris in this studio, it blew my mind.
I was like, what?
It felt like I've never lost my virginity with a vagina, like in my vagina, because I don't have a vagina.
But I can imagine a little bit that that was kind of what it was like, you know.
Because there was nothing happening and suddenly it was just overwhelmingly happening.
And there was this tall, sort of bearded, you know, kind of vestibule of a man.
And he was like a three or four story man.
He was so tall and he had like, you know, his voice was deeper and he had like a long stringy hair.
And he just reminded me of just, God damn, he reminded me of just everybody all wrapped in one from the second season of Lost.
And he, next thing I know, he was there and he was just invading my little space and then it was gone.
I mean, it was over.
So anyway, that's that got kind of homoerotic all of a sudden.
But what I'm saying is, I love tits.
But yeah, I'm sure I can only imagine how I wish I could have said, hey, let's see some reaction videos from people on YouTube.
Just the surprise of Drissman, what's his name?
Drissman Cornelia being in here.
But it was fun, man.
It was hard, honestly.
It was hard being on his podcast.
I didn't, there's nothing to do there.
You go to his house, and let me tell you, his house, bro, it's crazy.
They have a drawbridge.
At Chriser's house, they have a drawbridge.
And it has people, dude, it comes down and then there's people drawing on it.
It has puns built into it.
There was two guys drawing.
I'm like, what are y'all drawing?
They're like, whatever he wants.
Whatever he wants today.
And, you know, and then you go up there and you get up there and there's an old man standing there at the top of this hill.
And he's like, do you know the password, son?
And I was like, fuck you, dude.
It was actually just a homeless guy.
I had nothing to do with Chris's place.
But you get over his place, man, it's nice.
They got so many stairs.
Oh, I thought I was at damn Maku Picu.
You know, I thought I was at Maku Dam Picu.
Or a fake Maku Picu.
Remember, you know, a lot of cruises, if you go down to Mexico or if you go down to Mexico, a lot of cruises go down to somewhere where Maku Picu is.
But someone a few years ago built a fake Maku Piku and they were taking people to it, just real idiots.
And they'd put them on this boat, this vessel, and get them over there.
So you had all these people in this fake-ass Maku Piku.
You know, meanwhile, off the side, you got a couple bags of quick creek because they just built the shit.
And they're telling these people that it's an ancient burial grounds and it's an ancient pyramid.
And it wasn't.
They busted those people.
But thousands of people fell for it.
Spent a lot of money to go there and see a fake Maku Piku.
So just different times.
But yeah, I haven't talked to you guys since I came back from...
Well, this weekend I was in...
Was it San Jose?
Maybe it was.
San Jose was wonderful.
That was a blast.
This weekend, oh, last week it was Tempe.
It was Phoenix.
And it was cool, man.
My mother came out and it was the first time that she'd seen me perform in five years.
And it was cool, man.
You know, her husband passed away recently, about three weeks ago.
And, you know, it's interesting because I never had a relationship with him, Mr. Charlie, that was his name.
And I never had a relationship with that man, really.
You know, I was a kid when he came around and I was real rebellious anyway in my mind and in my heart.
And I never, you know, he would take us over there to the holiday inn, get us a little breakfast, get us a little, they had a, you know, a stack of waffle, French toast, different items.
And they put that whipped cream on it.
And I mean, that whipped cream was, that, that shit had been whipped, dude.
Dude, in Louisiana, they got some real whipped cream over there.
At that holiday inn buffet over there off Highway 190, they got the real deal whipped cream.
I mean, that cream has been beaten, bruh.
Dude, my shit had a boxing glove in it.
I remember the whipped cream that came on them hotcake.
I'm like, damn, what is this?
The shit was autographed by Buster Douglas.
You know, that cream had been whipped, dude.
I was eating, and next thing you know, a Couple brothers came out and just beat the fuck out of the cream again.
I was like, God damn, man.
I'm trying to eat, gentlemen.
They said, sorry, bud, man.
We just, man, we fucking this cream up.
Dude, that cream had been, I mean, this, so I remember that about that holiday in.
Mr. Charlie would take us over there and take my mother out on Sunday and he would take us to a brunch.
And if we'd been well-behaved and if he if he had a little bit extra money, he would get, you know, he'd let us tag along.
And we'd sit there and and then it and he would get us that whipped cream on the on the hot cakes and they put the, I mean, that shit had been whipped.
One time, some of it, you know, kind of snuck over to me, some of the cream and was like, hey, man, you know, they beating us at the house, man.
I need some help.
I need some help.
One time, some of the whipped cream was like, hey, hey, take this note, man.
Give this to somebody who cares.
And I opened the note up.
I was like, help us.
Signed cream.
I'm like, damn, man, they fucking beating this cream around here.
Shit ain't safe out in these cream streets, boy.
There's some scary dairy.
They got these scary dairy actyls around here.
But Mr. Charlie passed away, man, you know, and I know my mom was kind of, you know, it kind of broke her heart a little bit.
And, you know, at first I didn't really think about it.
I just, you know, because he didn't really mean anything to me.
But it took me an extra beat to kind of think about, well, what did this man mean to her?
You know?
And I've had, I remember a guy called a while, a year, a year and a half ago.
He called in.
He was talking about, you know, or he emailed me and he said, hey, man, you know, I have to, my mom's getting married this weekend to a man and I don't like him.
And I remember thinking, well, but does your mom like him?
You know, because it was, and I'm glad I had that moment with that guy that emailed because I used that moment the other day when I was like, you know, it doesn't matter.
Like, I didn't have a relationship with this man, Mr. Charlie, but he, but he, you know, my mother cared about him.
And so then, you know, I have the choice to just care that she cares.
And I don't know, it was just interesting, man.
It was just kind of like a lot of feelings.
And I tried to be, you know, supportive.
And, and, you know, I have a special story in my act now, you know, that I do.
And, you know, I got to tell my mom that I tell the story because, you know, it gets to keep, it keeps Mr. Charlie alive in her, in her, in the world.
It keeps him alive.
You know, and that's one of the things about stories is, you know, we, man, so many of these stories nowadays, they're not, there's no real, there's, no, nobody's giving you a story.
Nobody's given us a story.
Nobody's given us, a story used to be something where you pass something down from somewhere to somewhere else.
Here's the story.
Here's the story.
Knock, knock, who's there?
The story.
Hey, listen.
Hey, hey, did you hear?
That's how a story was.
It was something.
It was a piece that needed to go on.
Something needed to stay alive.
And now they got a lot of jackass storytellers out here.
They don't have a story.
You know, and that's one of the things I have.
You know, I get a chip on my shoulder with this industry out here.
They don't have a fucking story.
None of these cats got a story out here.
Like, oh, what's your story?
Your daddy had everything and you got everything and you never had to think about anything or deal with anything.
You went to some fancy, fancy school.
You don't even know anything?
Oh, so you guys are going to be, you guys are going to produce a story?
You're going to write a story?
Smoke a donk.
Okay, Camoon.
Anyway, I didn't mean to get angry.
I just, you know, I don't know.
But it was nice to see my mother, man, and it was nice to make her laugh.
You know, when you know one thing that I did have, I had some moments where it was like, you know, my mom is just, you know, she's tired, man.
She's been through a lot.
And a lot of people's moms have, you know, we give our, and sometimes I do anyway, over the years, I give my mom kind of a tough time, you know.
I mean, there's two places inside of me.
It's like, hold on, bro.
I got, I'm on that mucinex right now, dude.
I'm on about damn 60 grams, bro.
You know what I'm saying?
I clear my throat and fucking remember a question from a math test in fourth grade, dude.
That's how this shit is strong.
It's unlocking me, that mucinex.
But, you know, this, and this time it was just all I could do this time was just my mother.
You know, I didn't talk anything about our things we thought about our relationship.
I just tried to be loving.
That was it.
You know, I tried to be loving.
I gave my mom some extra hugs.
And, you know, and I've never really felt that great hug in my mother.
We've never been a good hug team.
Like, if there was a team of huggers, which how is hugging not a sport?
Dude, this is what I would like to do.
We should start a group that goes around at night, right?
You're all in hoodies.
We roll up on some people like 2.30 a.m.
in a scary city like New Orleans or Chicago.
And we fucking just roll up and hug the fuck out of somebody.
They'd be like, what the fuck happened?
I feel so good.
Just fucking nine people just hug, man.
You got fucking hugs, boy.
You better get, don't make me fucking hug you again.
Just hugging the fuck out of somebody.
That'd be crazy, wouldn't it?
But then that'd be wild.
But yeah, I just tried to be loving to my mother, man, and it was nice.
And my brother came out as well because he wanted to be supportive because mom had lost her husband.
And yeah, I don't know what I feel about it.
I guess, I don't know.
I'm not trying to get all into my own thoughts and feelings here.
But you know what it was nice, man, is I got to take my mom to eat a couple times.
and she didn't have to worry.
You know, there's something I think in your head somewhere, you always worry a little bit, even if we don't do it on purpose, even if it's not at the front of our head, there's always a worry in the back of our head, you know, if our mother is okay.
I think a young man thinks that.
So for me, maybe, maybe not, but for me, it was a very nice time to just, you know, just to see my mom being okay and to know that she was okay.
And she had a nice time.
And what else?
Yeah, she showed up in the van and that, you know, she got that 16-passenger van with no side or rear windows.
And she showed up and we had fun, man.
We had a good time.
And so, yeah, it was just a time to just be loving and just, you know, sometimes it's just, you just go onward, right?
We just go onward.
It wasn't about me.
And man, that was fun over there in Phoenix, dude.
So many people came out.
And I want to apologize.
Some of those shows, I was shook.
I mean, my nerves were just rattled out.
My nerves were rattled out.
And, I mean, just like the lungs on a damn fucking scarecrow in a wind tunnel.
I mean, I was rattled.
So those shows, I didn't feel like they were some of my best.
But this weekend, you know, I was over in Kansas City.
I know I'm all over the place today, guys.
My brain's a little all over the place.
I got home this morning around 11, and then I took a nap.
And here I am.
But I'm grateful to be here.
I'm grateful to be here.
I don't want you to think that.
It's just a lot to catch up on.
And it's different when a man has been in your body like this.
You know, Christopher Dawson, he came in here into my body, man.
This is our body.
And he was in here climbing up and down our rib cage, you know, and fucking whistling at our, he was doing cat calls at our liver, you know.
And that's the kind of guy he is.
And that's the kind of guy Christopher Dahlius is.
He's the kind of dude he'll stick his head in your ass and fucking cat call your liver.
You know, he's that kind of, that fellow like that.
And he's always all wearing fancy shit like Johnston and Murphy's that airport, you know, that airport haberdashery.
So that's who he is.
But it was amazing to see that he was here and that I was there.
And it was interesting.
Dude, in his place, when you walk around and his home is, it's like a castle.
And you could hear dragons somewhere.
He had a dragon.
I was like, oh, I think somebody left their car running.
And they had like a, I don't want to say a slave, but they had some dude in chains.
And he's like, oh, no, that's the dragon, man.
They got a dragon down there, brother.
I was like, oh, okay.
Are you okay?
And then he passed me a note.
He said, they whipping us.
Cream.
He said, signed by cream.
I was like, damn, what is going on?
It's a Black Mirror episode.
And that's not a racial slur.
Black mirror is not a racial slur.
So get your minds out of the racism gutter.
What else is going on?
Oh, somebody made this.
Look, if you're on the YouTube, you can see this.
A man made this out of wood.
I'm going to hold it up close to the it's me giving like a peace sign.
It's not me.
I mean, it's a bust.
It's a wooden bust of me.
And man, it was really nice of you to do that.
You know, it was really, really nice of you.
Thank you very much.
That man's name is Sean Williams.
And he has a know-how K-C.
No, that's his email.
But Sean Williams, illustrator, writer, fabricator out of Kansas City.
You can look him up, S-E-A-N-W-I-L-L-I-A-M-S.
And he sent me this little note.
It said, Theo, your open vulnerability is really inspiring.
Thanks for being you and doing what you do.
Gang, gang, Sean.
And it's just a really nice piece.
And they had an Italian restaurant, Carlazo's in Kansas City.
They came out and brought us some snacks.
Italian food.
Oh, Garazzo's.
They brought us some food over there.
So that was nice of them.
Thank you very much.
And, oh, we went and got barbecue.
So Kansas, apparently a thing in Kansas City, people want you to have meat in you.
And whether they, you know, whether it's a tender gentleman kind of trying to slip you up that fucking shank steak or that fucking, you know, he's trying to give you that 19th rib in that back jaw or whether it's, you know, them just sending you to a spot to get a slab of meat.
That's all anybody ask you there.
Have you had any barbecue?
Hey, what you doing?
Barbecuing?
All they want you to do in Kansas City is get some freaking meat in your mouth.
I went to the dentist or the doctor.
He's like, open your mouth.
I was like, ah, and he put a fucking couple of burnt ends in it.
Hit me with a damn fucking couple of damn triangles of tri-tip.
Just freaking getting geometric up on my mouth with them geometric.
You feel me?
Hit me with them triangles of meat.
And that is Kansas City.
They want you to have that BabaQ.
Dude, if they had a choice, their alphabet would be A, B, B, Q, D, E, F, G. That's all they care about the Bibiki.
You know?
They even introduced me to a baby.
They had a met a small Latino child there, and his name was Bibiki.
I'm like, what?
That's not a name.
They love barbecue there.
I mean, it is.
If you fall asleep with your mouth open, somebody will put a fucking little, you know, a little chicken quarter in there.
They love barbecue.
You know, you could do anything.
They had barbecue suppositories at the gas station.
You could pick up, you know, catch you about 2,000 milligrams of fucking pork sausage in a pill and just pop that bastard in, dude.
And still chew.
That's how good the barbecue sepastatoris are.
You put one in that BJ, bro, in that back jaw, and then you still chew.
That's how tasteful the meat is there.
And that's in the damn meat belt.
Bro, if I was a cow, I'd be damned.
That's why you don't see any cows or veals out there hitchhiking in Kansas City or in Missouri.
Some people say Missouri.
You know, but that's why you don't see any cows out there.
Just mm.
Because they fucking them up, boy.
Dude, bro, you'll see a dude with a baseball bat.
He'll dip that bitch into some fucking A1 and just beat the fuck out of an animal, bro.
They ain't playing over there.
They love barbecue.
Have you had some barbecue?
Have you been to Slappies?
Have you been to Arthur Bryant's?
Have you been to Stacks?
Have you been to Riblets?
Everything.
Have you been to, you know, Spines?
Like, Spines, that sounds.
Who's the head chef?
You know?
Bruvis of Barbara Eef guy?
But yeah, that Kansas City, they want you to have the meat, and they will not stop until you get it.
Dude, don't have a dude.
He'll fucking load a gun.
He'll load a fucking six shooter with a couple of fucking cuts of ham and just pop right off into your fucking mouth until you're full.
Like, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
Oh, that was great.
Dude, it's crazy dangerous.
Dude, they had a drive-by shooting.
Somebody fucking just filled my refrigerator up with bologna from fucking, from the street.
With a bologna gun, boy.
With that bologna gun.
Next thing you know, the meat and freezer is full of venison and balana.
But they want you to have that babacu, that meat, that Mexican baby, you know.
But man, it was great, man.
A lot of just people who came out, let me think.
They had a couple of jack chicks.
Some girl tried to sell me a little bit of Deca on some wind straw.
Never seen that.
But when the animals doing drugs, because animals do a lot of fucking steroids.
And we don't see a lot of times at night animals are in the fucking gym.
You'll see a cow in there just doing weights, you know, doing cowdle bells.
Okay, that was too much.
But these ladies, man, they, who else came out?
I mean, people, some twins, I saw some twins.
I saw, I met a young man who was taking his daughter for a walk.
Oh, we did a single mom's night, and we went go-karting with Francesca and her sister for single mom's night.
And man, I'll say this.
This was, I've gotten to go out with some fun groups or mothers and their friend.
And this was a mother and her sister.
And dude, they were hilarious.
She had, Francesca had five children, and she had four.
The fourth one ended up being twins.
So she got that hitter.
She got that bonus.
Because sometimes one of your ovaries will stutter a little.
Instead of getting one, you'll get two.
You know what I'm mean?
That was Quince.
So you got to be careful.
Make sure your ottery, get your ovary, take your ovaries to a speech pathologist and make sure that they're just flowing naturally instead of sissis stuttering.
But do we have so much fun?
We went on the go-karts and then they went out with their family and then they came to the late show.
And I'm excited to follow up with her this week, but that was fun.
So I want to thank everybody that supports our Patreon.
We're remodeling the Patreon right now, and we're refocusing it mostly on charity and trying to find a financial, trying to find, I'm looking into how to start a nonprofit so that everything can be done kind of through there, putting a mission statement together.
But thank you to everyone who supports Patreon because fund and finance or subsidize taking out the single moms and then following up with them and doing something special for them.
Also, the single mother from Kansas City, we got a little fro yo.
Those ladies were wild and that one is up on YouTube right now.
Someone I met, someone called in, I guess, and told me to tell a story.
Let me see if that's on this.
Let me see.
Somebody said, hey, Theo, will you tell the story from when you were at the Looney Bend in Wichita?
So I'll tell you this.
So I went to the Looney Bend in Wichita, Kansas, and some people came out from there this weekend and thank you.
And at the Looney Bend, they had, I hadn't been there.
And I didn't know that sometimes a comedy club, they'll put you in a little house or an apartment or comedy condo.
Or sometimes they'll fucking one place put you in a van out there in Michael Walker, Indiana.
They had you stay in a little van.
And if you don't mind a van, then you don't mind it.
But if you mind a van, then you're not really going to enjoy that style of staying.
But so they put me in this deal and fuck, what was I talking about, man?
Dude, what's in my head?
Brain, ice?
Sometimes my brain have ice or something.
I don't know what it is.
Like somebody trying to put antifreeze in my brain and dope it down like a fucking like a dog that's being bad next door.
Oh, okay.
So, and after the show, I met this gal and she had that real booty booty.
You know, she had that freaking that as the brothers and you know, as the cool people say these days, you know, that scr- or like uh who's that girl, Cardi B. She's always like, you know, and so this girl had that skirt, skirt, booty, you know.
I mean, damn, she was built like a fucking bison.
Like, dude, I wouldn't be surprised if you met her mother and her mother was eating hay somewhere, you know, because this, this bad little beaddie, this beaddie, this beadie had some beast in her, you got me?
She built like a damn bison, bruh.
You know, she the kind of girl who she just built that backsider was just built like a damn, I mean, if she shat in the yard, you'd be like, oh, whatever.
That's how they do it.
She had that real animal posterior.
So anyway, she and I started hooking up out in a van, you know, because she had a van, because she did cleaning.
She did house cleaning.
And for me, dude, some of y'all know, man, I can't, I get sexually nervous.
You know, I get sexually nervous, dude.
I can't fuck around certain stuff.
I can't be sexual.
You know, I can't be sexual around certain things.
I can't get an erection around broken glass.
I can't get an erection if the air conditioner's on.
I can't, and if there's a lot of cleaning products, you know what I'm saying?
If you got more than one thing of pine salt open within like about a 12 foot or eight foot, probably eight to six foot radius of me, you won't catch me doing sex, boy, not even, not hard sex anyway.
Maybe a real calm, you know, kind of library sex.
So, you know, she, you know, this, this gal had a van and we were outside of the comedy club in this van trying to get sexually engaged.
And she had a couple, you know, some things, a cleansers, because she worked as a, as a clean, as a cleaning agent, a cleaner.
And so she, she, I guess something had spilled or whatever.
So I'm trying to, you know, be sexual and be fully upripe.
You know, I'm trying to get ripe in my loin.
And I can't do it because there's too much cleaning fumes in the air.
You know, I just can't do it.
I just, you know, this shit, the fucking smell the fumes of those, man, it's hard for, even, I can't even do library sex because the wafts of that cleanser are getting into my damn dewy, you know, diximal system.
So I'm fucking, I'm limping out.
So I said, hey, well, let's go into the place where I'm staying.
They'd put me up in a comedy.
They had a house in a neighborhood.
The comedy club owned a house back behind it.
So they had a key and stuff.
And this is where the comedian stayed every week in this home.
So I go in there, we go down the hall, and me and this gal tried to engage somewhat.
You know, and did we engage in sex?
Who knows, man?
Nobody has left more women in America unsatisfied than you boy.
You know, so I'm that fucking, I'm that hitchhiker that you pick up and he don't even talk.
You know what I'm saying?
That's the scariest one.
Sometimes you get that hitchhiker and he, all he does is rattle off and he's just hammering away with those words.
And sometimes you get that hitchhiker and he just barely say nothing.
You know, he barely contributes.
He's that shitty whisperer.
And that's kind of how I am when it comes to sexual.
You know, I definitely come in probably about 40, maybe 40 or 60th place out of not that many people, out of probably 30 people.
So anyway, next thing I know, I hear an alarm going off, an alarm.
And so I'm like, what the fuck?
I opened the room door.
And this is a house.
The room I'm standing in is in a house.
And I thought the whole house to myself, there's a woman standing there in a nightgown.
She has an alarm clock that she plugged into the wall and has like set the alarm clock so it would go off right then.
And now it's going off.
She's standing there.
And she's like, you can't have any guests here.
And I mean, this is 2.30 in the morning.
And I'm like, who are you?
Are you like another comedian?
She goes, no, I'm the manager.
I'm the manager of the club or the assistant manager, whatever.
You know, Dolores or I think Dolores, something.
She goes, I live here.
I stay here.
And one of the rules is you can't have any guests in the house.
And I'm like, well, one of the rules should also be that you can't be fucking Stephen King's side piece, boo-boo.
Because you woke me up.
And I say woke up, even though I was having sex.
But even though when I'm having sex, it's really very similar to, you know, being at rest to being asleep, boy.
I got that Dormir say in my deck.
You feel me?
That Dwerme.
And so I was like, well, what you, you know, you could have just knocked on the door.
You could have said something.
You could have used, you know, your W's, your words.
But this lady stood there with an alarm clock.
I mean stringy hair, wearing just a nightgown.
I mean, like Stephen King's little, I mean, just like some, like just somebody that, you know, just sold dirty dishware, you know, at Stephen King's old soda shop.
She just, it was just, I don't know, very alarming.
So anyway, then I had to go back out into this van.
So now me and this girl are out in this van, dude, and whatever.
Anyway, I don't know why I told you guys all that, but that was the story in Wichita at the Looney Bend of when I got, I mean, I got woken up out of an, out of a sexual interaction and by a woman standing in a, and this lady was probably 45, 50, standing in a hall.
And I'd never been in this house before.
Imagine you're in there, you're engaged, you know, you sensually engaged, you know, seeing if the Lord wants y'all, how well the Lord cares about the two of you.
And then you open the, you hear an alarm clock outside of the bedroom door.
And you open it and there is a woman standing there in a nightgown saying you can't have any guests.
Jesus.
So that's what happens.
That's what happens.
But that story is anticlimactic.
But not as anticlimactic as a lot of the sex I've been involved in.
I'll tell you this, though, my boy.
And it's interesting to call this guy a buddy, but we've kind of become buddies over the past year and I'm proud of him.
I'm happy to know him.
And I'm so excited he's fighting out of Louisiana and out of Florida.
Dustin Poirier fights for the interim lightweight 155-pound title this Saturday in Atlanta at UFC 236.
And damn, I'm nervous, man.
I'm nervous for him.
I'm nervous for everybody.
Dude, I would be nervous to even go up there and lock the little gate, the gate, lock the gate on the cage, you know?
But man, it's going to be interesting.
What else happened?
Let's go to some calls.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, this is Renee calling from Lansing, Kansas.
Hey, Renee, thank you for calling.
I appreciate you reaching out.
Onward?
I just left your Saturday late show in Kansas City.
And I met you after, and I was so fucking nervous for me today, taking a picture, and you were so sweet while everybody coming up to you.
I just want to say you killed the show.
It was awesome.
Me and my friends had a blast.
And, you know, that lady that disrupted the fucking show, I know you probably felt like, you know, everything was thrown off, but you got back into it.
It was awesome.
It didn't change a thing for us, at least.
So it was great.
And I appreciate everything that you do.
Well, thank you.
That's very sweet of you to say.
And thank you for driving over from, was it Lansing?
Let me hear again.
Renee, calling from Lansing, Kansas.
Lanting.
Renee, thank you.
That's nice of you to say.
Yeah, you know, I have a problem that, well, yeah, that lady was drunk.
That lady was drunk.
I mean, she was just shook.
She was shook like a dang, you know, just like a sick hooker in a tornado.
Boy, she was shook down.
And yeah, you know, I just, I have this thing.
I want the show to be fun.
I just want everybody to hear what's going on.
And then I've been a little bit stressed out.
And so I don't handle some of those situations well sometimes.
And it was calm, you know, like I, you know, the lady yelled out.
I couldn't remember what she yelled.
And I tried to like embrace it.
And then she did it a couple more times.
And then they ended up just asking her to leave.
Or I might have asked her to leave.
I don't even remember.
I mean, in those moments, I just want to get back to because so many people are having fun.
And I'm having fun that I just want us to keep doing that.
But I think once I'm able to relax a little bit and take a break a little, I think I'll be able to get into more of a comfortable space where I can handle those moments better.
You know, I have this weird, well, I don't have this weird, I have this thing where it's like, I need everything, I want everything to go how I want it to go.
And that's a character defect.
It's something that's wrong.
You know, it's like, oh, I want everything to be perfect.
I want everything to be perfect, you know?
And what I need to realize is everything's going to happen however it's going to happen.
So I need to work on some of that a little bit more.
But you being saying that was very sweet of you to let me know that everything still came off smoothly because, yeah, in my mind, then everything gets rattled and things aren't going super.
But that wasn't the case.
Let's take another call here.
The hotline, as always, is 985-664-9503.
You know, and a lot of young men and, you know, a woman came out and told me that her husband just got 30 days of sobriety and that was on the stage after one of the shows.
And man, that really hit me in the heart, you know.
And they, you know, people will say, hey, man, I'm grateful to you and thank you.
And that's sweet of you to say, you know, I just, I don't, you know, these are you, you guys are doing any, you are doing things to make yourself better.
You know, and I appreciate the kind words, but I want to say congrats to you.
Congrats to you for whatever little challenge it is in your life.
You're trying to take back your willpower, take back your, you know, you're trying not to do this or trying to do this.
It could be anything from sugar to sobriety to, you know, to not tune with your mouth open.
I don't care what it is.
But anytime you're trying to challenge yourself for self-betterment, good for you.
Because they got this world around us that doesn't want us to think about it.
It wants us to just limp into the drain that it's created and just become this gelatin that just slowly goes down the drain.
But we want to make ourselves be of something.
Because there's cells, dude, there's cells inside of us that know each other, that want to do something and that want to do good when they are best serviced.
Isn't that interesting?
What makes us work is a series of cells, a teamwork.
We have a team.
We are built up of a team inside of us.
Man, it's fascinating to me.
It's fascinating to me that we are a team at our smallest level.
We are a team of molecules that has to work together for life to occur.
I don't know why I went off on that, but I don't know what I'm talking about.
But you can hit the hotline as always with, well, I just want to say, yeah, if you, you know, thank you guys.
You know, for anybody that says something to me, says like, thank you, and I'm glad to be, I'm glad to be, I'm glad that we are part of each other's lives.
You know, I said this on stage this weekend, and I don't feel, I feel like what we have here is a cool group, man.
We got a cool group.
I swear it's crazy, bro.
But I really feel like I feel like we can find some positive ways to do things in the world and we're going to do it.
And I don't feel like I'm the spearhead of that group.
I just feel like I'm one of the group members.
And I'm just excited.
But it's nice to see so many people come out, man.
It's funny.
Some people are nervous.
Some guys are joking around.
I feel bad that I'm not sometimes this at the end of the show when I'm doing this a little, I'm just a little rattled or I'm a little tired.
And so it's hard for me to sometimes to fully engage in as meaningful a way.
But I decided, I think before Australia, I'm going to take a little vacation and do that and just get some rest and not do anything.
You know, not do anything but just try and find some, just think, just try and think about gratitude and just be grateful.
Because I get to do, honestly, I get to do what I love right now.
And I want to thank you guys for that.
Let's take another call.
985-664-9503.
Here we go.
All right, before we get to that call, actually, I want to let you know that today's episode is brought to you by Captera.
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Today's episode is also brought to you by Bedella Gance.
And I'll show you right here, I got a half, you know, probably a half quart.
I got 18.6 fluid ounces of this bad booty juice right here.
And Bedella Gance is a natural cleansing foam that brings you the luxury and elegance of a bidet with the convenience of toilet paper.
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Well, you're welcome, Marissa.
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Bedelegance, get that bottom hitter.
What was I just thinking?
I was thinking about something I wanted to share.
You know what I was thinking about the other day was our fingerprint.
You know, sometimes we don't feel like individuals maybe, or we don't feel like our life has like we're not.
Sometimes, let me speak for myself.
Sometimes I'll have times where I don't feel like I'm of value in the world.
And I'm not getting into a depression hole here, but I'm just saying we all have those moments.
We feel like, well, maybe we don't mean that much.
Is there something I'm part of?
I ask myself, like, you know, you start to get a little older and you're like, well, what does life mean?
Does it mean anything that I'm an individual person?
Or does it just mean that I'm just part of something, a group, that I'm a person, one of many?
Do people mean anything?
Do we as a group of humans, do we mean something?
Do we have a purpose here?
Like, Are we able to see our bigger purpose?
Is there any value to me being an individual?
And I started thinking about fingerprints.
You know, that even twins don't have the same fingerprint.
That's fascinating, I think.
And your eyes, the only other thing I think in the human body that is unique to each person, each person in the history of time, that means there wasn't a person 4,000 years ago that has the same retina.
I was at the doctor the other day and the doctor said that, the eye man, and he said that.
He said, you know, no one has the same retinas.
I'm like, damn, well, you a fucking pervert, boy.
You know, you out here peeping timing on people's peepers, bro.
You looking right in the eyes and fucking looking for that individuality.
But isn't that fascinating that, that our fingertips, our fingerprints are unique?
The exact things we touch the world with, that we interact with others with, no one else has the same exact ones.
Now to me, that's, you know, I'm not a big religios, I'm not a big religios boy.
You know, I believe that I want there to be something bigger than me, and I believe that there is something bigger than me out there.
I know that there is for me.
You don't have to if you don't want to.
That's you.
We all get to do it our own way.
But the simple fact that there is purpose in me being me.
There's purpose in the way that I touch the world.
And even in my retinas and in my fingertips, the two things you kind of use to really interact, to really, where you could really touch someone.
Sometimes you can touch someone with your eyes, you know, and they can touch you.
Sometimes people can give you a look and you feel touched.
Or sometimes you can touch someone.
And your hands, obviously, you could touch someone.
That's primary touchers, touching areas.
But to think that you have your own print.
Everyone, no one's ever going to have yours.
To me, that is, to me, that's in my own little way that I interact with the world.
That is some hardcore proof that there's value to us as individuals.
And sometimes when I feel like there isn't for me, that brings me, because I can look at my fingers too.
That's what's interesting.
I can just look directly at my fingerprints and be like, wow.
I am important.
I don't know.
I'm kind of rambling here.
I think.
I don't even know what I'm talking about.
But I think this is just what you get.
Sometimes these episodes are all different.
You know, and I'm just, man, I can't believe that guy made this nice statue thing out of wood.
What a neat thing.
What a neat thing.
That a police officer brought me a badge this weekend from his work.
Someone brought me a nice Kansas City hat.
Some fella gave me his hat.
Another woman gave me a nice KC baseball cap.
Very sweet of her.
People brought food.
Some man brought some barbecue.
And that's, you know, Missouri is a wonderful place, man.
It's very, it's got, it's got, it's got a lot going on.
It's got a lot of history.
It's got a lot of grit.
You know, we went to see the childhood home of Jesse James and where he was buried.
And to a lot of people, it was an outlaw.
Some people said he was a Robin Hood.
He was like a Confederate sort of, he was like a con, like, you know, I think Missouri was neutral in the Civil War.
And he kind of like, he didn't support one side directly or the James gang didn't, but they kind of low-key would like fuck with the Confederate, the Union soldiers.
And they would start robbing banks and trains that were in business with the, or that were started by the Union soldiers or started by Union people from the North, Union bigwigs, fancy.
And some people said that they were the Robin Hoods, that they did things that gave money away.
And I don't know if that's true or not.
That is kind of disputed.
You know, some documentaries dispute things.
But, you know, a documentary is just the way somebody wants you to see something so much.
Sometimes it can be the way somebody wants you to see something so much that they make a perfect way for you to see it that way.
Like, I don't always just believe documentaries.
I mean, if it's something real factual, like, you know, there was a murder and this is what happened and this guy went to jail and this is that.
But if it's something like, you know, where it's like we don't really know, you know, it's just a perception.
Because there are, you know, there's documentary type of stuff where it's like, oh, Jesse James was a Robin Hood.
And then there's documentary type of stuff where Jesse Dames was just up to no good, just selfish boy.
But someone can make a documentary to really just infuse you either way.
It just reminds me to keep my eyes open.
I don't know what I'm fucking.
And I'm sorry, I'm getting kind of preachy here today.
Let's go on to another question.
Here we go.
985-664-9503 is the hotline number.
And you can call there and leave a voicemail and be a part of this hot club podcast.
Sorry, I got to take my nasal spray real quick.
And that's not cocaine.
That's licensed nasal spray from a doctor.
Let's go.
Oh, hey, Theo.
Hey, this is Don from Seattle.
And I just listen to a lot of your podcasts recently.
And my son, he said, hey, Dei, what are you learning from those podcasts?
And I thought about it.
And, you know, I think what I'm learning is I appreciate your chill attitude.
And you seem to take life as it comes.
And you take people as they come.
And that sometimes is the problem with this.
I'm kind of an upset guy.
And just because I told my daughter, she's 16 with her algebra homework.
And sometimes it gets a little tense.
I get frustrated and she gets frustrated.
But I don't know.
I was right after listening to your podcast.
I just felt very relaxed.
And I felt very accepting and just patient.
Just amazing patience.
So, yeah, I think I told my son, I think I'm learning patience.
I think I'm learning how to be relaxed.
I'm not sure if it's your southern nature or you're just your very accepting, chill attitude.
But anyways, I just want to say thank you.
You're doing good work.
I think you're blessing people and the universe also.
And anyway, onward, gang gang.
Gang gang, brother.
Oh, that's sweet, man, to think of a dad working with his daughter and doing the homework.
Thanks for the nice words, man.
That's sweet of you.
You know, I mean, I struggle.
I think I struggle with everything just like we all do.
But I'm glad that there's moments where you find some comfort from this podcast.
And a lot of times it could be from people calling in.
You know, it was interesting when you were talking, it made me think of like a moment.
There's sometimes I noticed in my life recently, there's moments for vulnerability.
And, you know, you're talking about like when you're with your daughter and you're helping her with the homework and you get frustrated and she gets frustrated.
So then in that moment, and this may not apply to your life, but if I'm in a moment where I'm frustrated at someone and they're right there and I know they're frustrated with me, and I know that I'm frustrating, I know that I am, I was built.
They got a, you know, they put that the frustration sauce on me when I was born.
And so I'm out here dripping with frustration a little bit constantly.
You know, and so in that moment where both people are frustrated, sometimes if you can find a way to say, hey, are you frustrated with me?
And they say, yeah, I am.
And you can say, yeah, I'm frustrated.
You know, I feel a little frustrated with you too.
Maybe we can really talk for a second about why, what do we think is making us frustrated with each other?
You know, sometimes I find that I get frustrated with people.
And if I'm honest, then you have to be trying to be real honest.
And it's hard sometimes.
You have to really feel.
You can't just talk.
You have to just feel.
Like, man, I'm frustrated because sometimes you don't.
And the truth for me in a moment like that is I get frustrated with the other person because they don't do things the way that I want them to do them.
And then I can ask them, so why do what frustrates you?
And it's like, and for them, it might be, well, you don't have the patience sometimes that I need.
It makes me, I feel under pressure when I'm doing something with you because I don't feel like it's a safe area to learn, a safe moment to learn in because, you know, you're expecting me to know something at a certain speed that I'm not able to.
And then once you guys can both kind of really share what your, you know, what your real kind of fear is or what your anger is, then you can kind of, then you can kind of say, for me, I can say, hey, look, well, you know, I'm real sorry that I am, you know, that I behave in a way sometimes where, you know, I make you feel like you, like I expect you to know things at my pace and not at yours.
And I want to do a better job because I love you and because I care about you.
And then they can say, you know, well, I really want to be here with you and learn and try and work together to learn something.
And I'm going to try to just let you know when I feel like you're not being patient in a more comfortable way.
And man, then you can have some real powerful moments.
And I'm not preaching at you.
I'm not telling you to do that or anything.
But I'm saying that sometimes I'll find myself doing that.
You know, with my ex-girlfriend, when we get in a moment where I'd be frustrated, sometimes it'd be really hard to just be like, you know, I would love it if you'd be real honest why you're frustrated with me.
And then I can be real honest about why I'm frustrated with myself in the situation.
I don't know.
I don't know what all that's about, man.
But it's interesting sometimes in moments of frustration that there's a real opportunity for some vulnerability and some just the ability to feel because otherwise I will run, brother.
I'll run with this senseless, just like these vultures that are like trying to get out of my throat or neck or skin that are just agitated.
And if I, you know, so I got to find a way to soothe these vultures.
And the real way to soothe them is to just tell someone that I care about that I have these vultures and that I wish I did and I want to try harder not to have them.
And anyway, I don't know what I'm talking about, man.
I fucking need some sleep probably.
But thank you for calling, man.
And it's sweet of you to be a dad that helps out your daughter with her homework.
And I bet that that's a moment that you're always going to love.
You know, it's going to be a sweet moment.
You know, because there's come times in kids' lives, I'm sure, where they don't care what your direction or angle is.
You know?
And you don't have to help her.
You get to help her.
That's one thing I remind myself someday.
You know, like, I don't have to come do this podcast.
I get to come do it.
It's a gift, you know?
It's a gift to be able to come and sell this freaking booty lotion to people that, and that's bedeligance.
But thank you for calling, man.
Let's take another call, Onward.
Hey, CEO.
It's Carter from Oregon.
What's up, Carter from Oregon, Onward?
By the way, my sister's in love with you.
She likes your arms.
Oh, your sister likes my arms?
Thank you.
I got pretty medium length, actually.
I used to think I had long arms.
And then a buddy of mine showed me his arms about, I guess, two years ago, three years ago.
Fuck.
Kind of fucked me up more.
Let's go.
The real question is, I'm looking for M-names for puppies.
Okay.
I'm leaning on Maggie and May.
Need some names.
Hook it up with some suggestions.
M-names for puppies.
Here's one: Mississippi, and you could call the puppy Missy.
Marxism, and that is a I don't know what Marxism is, but Mark Setgo.
That could be the puppy's name.
And then every time you call the puppy, some people would start racing each other.
Martin.
Name if it's a kind of like a funny dog that's kind of like a, you know, maybe African-American and it's really, really humorous and is able to make television shows.
You could call it Martin.
You could call it a Moriarty.
Call it Mori if it's a Jewish dog.
You could call it Mixtape.
Mixtape is kind of a cute name.
Let me think.
Mints meat.
That's a crazy name for a dog.
Oh, that's a little mint meat right there.
And he got some cigarettes.
M names for dogs.
I think Maggie is cute.
It's a popular name, but it's a safe name.
I think Millie is good.
Mabel, Maple, Marble, Mobile, Moxie.
You know, you want something where when you yell it, it doesn't sound like any kind of racial slurs either.
So you got to be careful with that.
Let's take one more call here.
Here we go.
And also, I got to tell you this, though, you know, that, oh, I'll be coming up soon.
I'm going to be in West Palm Beach at the end of this month, the 27th and 28th.
I believe we may add some more shows there.
They're staying busy right now with those shows, but we may add more.
I want to let you know that today's episode is also brought to you by, we got a pack of meundis right here.
God, and I needed some, dude.
Oh, I masturbated this weekend.
I forgot to tell you.
Man, I felt shame.
Oh, and I broke my pornography thing.
And I didn't even think I could on my phone.
And I started thinking about, dang, just I was feeling lonely.
Started thinking about a little bit of B-hole, you know, and stuff like that.
You know, that female BB.
And then I just did it, dude.
I just kept rubbing on my body until, you know, until just something just came out of it.
And I guess I feel kind of disappointed in myself, you know.
And then I did it.
That was on, I think, Thursday night.
And I didn't do it on Friday.
And then last night I couldn't go to sleep and I had to.
And so then I masturbated.
But the big thing is I looked at the pornography.
And we'll talk about it more next week.
I'd love to know, I know there's some guys that came out this week that have been looking at pornography and they've taken a break from it.
I'd love to know honestly, be very honest on the hotline, how that's affected you and what's going on now with you once you've had a sabbatical from pornography.
And I'm going to get into that next week about some of the changes I've been noticing in myself since I had been ceased watching pornography.
And I had probably about 107 days or something.
So, man, and I don't want to talk about it.
I'll talk about it next week because we've already gone into a, I don't even know what we've talked about this episode.
What else?
Oh, I'm going to Aerosmith.
I'm going to Aerosmith in Las Vegas this week.
So I'm so excited about that on Thursday, Thursday night.
And I'm taking producer Nick.
So it's a gift and a team building exercise from us.
And we're going to go there and watch some Aerosmith.
Dream on.
And there goes my girlfriend.
I love Aerosmith.
And I'm going to stay in Las Vegas and then I'm going to the Dustin Poirier fight in Atlanta.
And I can't wait to see that diamond.
Now, today's episode is also brought to you by Me Undies.
Look, if you want to support the podcast, there's a couple ways you can do it.
You can support through Patreon, but you can also support by getting me undies.
It's easy.
Go get a pair.
If you never had a pair, get them.
I love them.
No joke, I wear them every day.
They're in my underwear little drawer, and they look colorful when I get in there, and they're fun a little bit.
It's one moment in my day where I get to put a little bit of fun on my body.
And as a man, you know, it feels nice to just wrap something around your junk that's fucking, that feels good.
You know, that's not your wife or another man.
You probably spend about 90% of your life in underwear.
I don't know if you know that.
So don't think, don't you think you owe it to yourself to make sure you're wearing the softest undies in town?
That's why I only wear meundies.
Me undies are the softest underwear.
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If you're still going through the gate, bro, that is wild.
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And thank you guys.
And look, I will never try to sell some of this podcast that I don't believe in.
People have sent ads for things that says, hey, will you sell?
I don't, no, I ain't selling that.
I don't take every ad that comes through.
No, I'm not selling that to people.
I think that's junk.
You know, that mystery game show thing, I finally played that where you pay for it by mail.
I think I'm a piece of shit.
The Casper Mastresses, I thought them was a piece of shit, bro.
Now it took, I had to get one and try it, and that's how I felt.
And also, these are just my perceptions.
Other people's can be different.
But if I know that something is not worth what they're charging, I'm not going to sell it.
You know, you find somebody else to sell that, boy.
I'm not going to sell that, dude.
But I want to thank everybody in Missouri that supported this weekend.
I'm going to get through this right here.
And what else, man?
I know today's episode is all over the place, but I do want to talk more about, you know, one thing that was nice was when my brother and mother came out there to Phoenix.
And it was nice.
We hadn't all been together since just the three of us since we're probably maybe since I was probably two years old or three years old.
And especially without my mom didn't have to work and we have to do anything.
And I just chose to just let it be nice.
And so did my mother and so did my brother.
None of us chose to dwell on anything or to bring it up.
And sometimes it's good to bring stuff up, but this time it wasn't.
And it was nice, man.
It was nice.
It was nice to sit there and listen to my brother talk to me and share information that he knows and things about the world because he's a little bit older than me and a little bit more experienced.
And it was nice to see my mother just give my brother a hug, you know, and like and just have a moment with her son that she probably hadn't had in a long time.
It's nice to see my mother at the dinner table.
She put her hand on my brother's hand and on my hand at the same time.
Thank you.
And it was nice, man.
It's nice that fingerprints, you know.
It's nice to, it's nice just to know that even though we had, you know, had both had all lived so much lives that we'd all lived for 30, you know, between 30, 40, 70 years, that still inside of us there's the people can connect.
That human connection is, it's ageless.
It's ageless.
Isn't it fascinating to know that there is a there's like a yarn or a thread between human beings that doesn't weather.
It doesn't I mean it endures it weathers, but it doesn't it's always so quickly it can be taught.
So quickly it can be tightened.
So quickly it can be accessed.
You know, there's something amazing about that.
It's amazing how forgetful human touch is.
You know, human touch doesn't remember all of the a lot of the pain and the anger or the memories or the uncomfort.
It just lets somebody know, hey, I'm here.
You know, I'm here.
You know, I'm here.
You're here.
It's amazing.
You can just touch somebody and almost you can almost apologize with a touch, you know, or let somebody know, hey, every, you know.
I don't know.
It's just interesting.
It's interesting the powers that go on in human touch, I guess.
I got to learn more about it.
Dr. Pearl Mutter came in here last week.
And so I have, I agreed to do that man's diet.
So I am going to do that.
I want to begin.
I want to try.
Will I succeed?
I don't know.
He kind of put me on it at the end real.
And he was kind of, you know, you talk to these book guys and they're kind of smarty to me.
Sometimes they get a little, they know a little too much for me.
But maybe I'm just jealous because they know a lot or I'm envious, you know.
But he came in here, Dr. Pearl Mutter, and he's, you know, he knows about stomachs and brains and he's going to help.
You know, I want my brain and my life to be the best I can.
And it's going to take more work for the way that I eat and the things I choose to eat.
And I've been doing all week I did good.
I did the keto all week since I left, since I left to go out of town.
Or all last week for a whole week.
And then I fucking lost my mind at one moment and had three Hagen Daz ice cream bars.
And the third one, couldn't even taste it.
You ever get to that point where you're like, oh, I'm just still eating it, but I can't even taste it.
Like you're on that, on that 16th cookie, you're like, oh, I have no fucking clue what these taste like anymore.
My body is, my sugar, it's maxed out, but I'm still fucking doing it.
Whatever.
You know what?
I think maybe we've done enough.
You know, I'm thankful that Chris Dahlia came in here.
I'm thankful that we're back here in the studio.
It's interesting.
It was so crazy being at his place because it's a different energy.
It's just different.
And, you know, I'm grateful to our producer Nick and his producer, Juan Heyer.
And just, you know, we did something fun.
We did something fun.
And so many cool messages came in from people supporting the podcast.
Yep.
Again, support the podcast.
meundies.com slash weekend is that code.
Capterra.com slash theo for your business software solutions.
I'll be coming up.
I'll be at the Palm Beach, West Palm Beach Improv April 26th and 27th.
Very excited about that.
It looks like we're going to be able to interview Riff Raff, who is a kind of an estranged human performer, one of a kind.
Be able to interview him.
Who else is coming up on the podcast soon?
Jim Gaffigan is going to be coming in studio.
Big baby Glenn Davis is supposed to be coming in studio.
We have a lot of neat people.
And I'm so excited to go to my first UFC fight this week.
NC Aerosmith.
It's going to be crazy.
Sorry to brag, but I never go do anything like that.
Thank you to everybody in Kansas City that came out.
Thank you for your love and your support.
And it's never too late.
It's never too late.
We got to remember that.
You know, it's never too late to have a new experience, I guess.
But yeah, fingerprints, man, they're fascinating, aren't they?
Fascinating.
No one else has these.
No one else has them.
You don't think you're unique?
Just, I mean, literally.
We have 10 pieces of proof right there in front of you that you are.
And your toes, who even fucking knows if we have toe prints?
I mean, Jesus Christ.
Who knows?
Be good to yourselves.
You know, and we deserve it, man.
We deserve it.
Thank you guys.
I'll see you next week.
We'll be right back.
Stevie Starlight, come over.
I don't care about it.
Mountain, mountain, mountain.
Stepping free.
Just don't say goodbye.
You and me enjoy the destination.
Fantasy painted on the wall.
It's never too late to come over.
Time slips away from you and me now.
So don't hesitate to come over.
Why must we wait when we'll alive?
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweet.
Is it deal?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
