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Well, here we go about that time, baby Bout that time There you go,
baby Tonight is a nightmare Okay well I downloaded that song and I didn't I thought it was just about I thought it was just instrumental and I thought it was just gonna be about uh about
snow and apparently it's about December so you know I'm not trying to be a time traveler so I'm gonna shut it down good morning good day good evening whatever time it is for you grateful to be here today with you it is February February 11th in the year 2019 and
it's snowing dude it is snowed up over here I mean it is really snowy and I'm in Columbus Ohio and snow is wild man think about snow think about snow I mean snow what is it we don't know I mean we know that two you know two cold things you know they start doing sex
or something up way up in the sky and next thing you know they snow and they're you know they start shedding little snow you know just spraying out a little bit of snow out of them and that's beautiful man and it's really not i mean it's just hitting everywhere out here snow they got snow snow men people are building snow men snow women um they got a transgender you know they put a couple of uh you know they took the carrot
off of it and um put like just you know like a little you know somebody put over the crotch one of those um you know like a Rubik's cube so anything could happen down there in the crotch for some of the snowman and people are just enjoying the time out here and and I'm here in the middle of America in Columbus Ohio and it's snowing I didn't think it was gonna be snowing you know I was taking a nap and I was dreaming about you know
I was uh I was where was I I was at a um curt at a curtain shop you know and I was uh looking at different curtains and stuff and um and then next thing you know I wake up and I'm thinking you know I'm not thinking anything because I just woke up I thought I was looking for curtains you know but really I'm fucking in a in a hotel and then I come and look out the window and
it's snow and man it's beautiful and it's wild to think that we're just on this planet we're on a ball of dirt and water in the middle of nowhere and suddenly a bunch of cold shit falls on you I mean Kim what is it what's going on is there a greater plan I wish I'd have picked a better intro song but sometimes you don't pick the right intro music
you know I remember at my grandfather's funeral somebody the DJ accidentally played that song it was a ludicrous song what did ludicrous sing it was the one where he dresses up like in the videos with like the ludicrous you know he have the the incredible hulk hands-on anyway but
imagine you being there at the grandfather's funeral and they got the you know the DJ oh get back he played ludicrous get back get back get back you don't know me like that at my grandfather's funeral he did you know the guy messed up at the wake they had like a musical guy at the wake and next thing you know everybody's like Jesus you know they're like man that that old dude must have been into some wild shit if he's listening if they're playing ludicrous at his funeral um but but
good to be here with you guys man I had quite a weekend here I've been here in Columbus Ohio thank you to everybody that came out you know I always say that and and man it's just been great I still have shows tonight it's Sunday right now and what have I been doing you know it's Sunday I'm thinking about maybe going for a run I um indoors dude I ain't running outdoors in the snow that'd be crazy if
my legs were nicer I would do it if my legs were nicer I would do it I would get out there I think but yeah a lot of great people have come out a lot of people with blue eyes and I don't know if there's something going on you know if more I mean this one guy came out the other night with these you know these just fucking baby blue just balls of the Lord's fucking booyah bass in his face this dude had just oh
man you if you looked in his eye you didn't you didn't know where you were you could be molested or you know or anything while you were looking at you don't even know somebody steal your shirt steal your you know your 401k they take everything they'll take the stairs off your house they'll take the front stairwalk off your house you'll you'll open the door and fucking fall face first out into the shit i mean this dude had some just blue hitters in his face i don't know what i mean it looked like he'd
stolen them out of a museum like he hired nicholas cage To go out there and find him a set of eyes because this dude had some, I mean, just like, just like little pieces of Plymouth rock, somebody'd put him in his damn face, in his head.
I mean, I would have had a, dude, if I had eyes that nice, I'd have a fucking Doberman Pincher out there watching him.
You know, I'd have a damn rott waller.
Dude, I'd have a, I would have a rott waller watching my eyes at all times because I'd be worried somebody's going to show up with a sharp spoon and just scoop me out and wear my visuals around their neck, you know?
Somebody, you know, one of those people in a fancy, you know, a dictator or somebody like that, maybe somebody in Africa, one of those, you know, Sierra Leone, one of those people that are stealing, you know, whatever, doing all of that.
I want to tell you about a couple things, though, some updates.
You know, today is the day we're going to announce those Australia dates.
And I'm so excited.
Man, I can't even imagine that I'm going to go to Australia.
I mean, that's so bizarre.
To think that I'm going to go to another country and that people are going to come out to see the shows.
That's just bad.
I mean, it's, that's just beyond.
I can't even, I don't even know how it makes sense.
You know, I don't even know how it makes sense, but I'm really excited about it.
I'm going to let you know this right now.
You know, today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
And Gray Block Pizza, that's a Piri, you know, that's a pie, you know, place that make special pies over there in Los Angeles, 1811 Pico Boulevard on the way to the beach.
Gray Block, get that hitter.
I also want to let you know that today's episode is brought to you by, hold on, I'm getting this audio right, by our small business sponsor.
And this is a book, and it's called the Meathead Manifesto, and it is written by Brody McVitt.
Sorry, Brody McVitty.
And if you want to support a small business like we do, and I'll tell you it, man, I checked out the Meathead Manifesto by Brody McVitie, and this guy makes reading about fitness actually enjoyable.
It's a how-to book.
It's a how-to book for people who have no fucking clue what they're doing in the gym, okay?
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If you're a Douchebag, man, then you got to tighten up.
But one of y'all is probably a Douchebag.
The Meathead Manifesto is the only how-to guide you'll ever need.
If you're into bodybuilding and girls and nutrition, then you'll love this irreverent take on concepts like how to handle your raging jealousy and fat, like the stuff you need, not what you are.
And that's how to get good fats.
You know, it's funny, a lot of different nuts and everything have good fats in them.
And that's what I used to say.
You know, if a girl was thinking about giving me a blowjob, I said, you know, nuts really got a lot of healthy fat in them.
So there's that.
But you can head on over to Brody's website, www.brodymcvitty, M-C-V-I-T-T-I-E dot com or at BrodyDrew, B-R-O-D-Y-D-R-E-W on Instagram and click on the this past weekend section for a special discounted copy of the book today.
That's Brody McVitty, B-R-O-D-Y-M-C-V-I-T-T-I-E dot com and head to the this past weekend section for a special discounted copy of the meathead manifesto.
And I used to be a meathead, man.
I used to get, you know, I used to get straight up damn meaty out there, dude.
So you can support small businesses like we do here at this past weekend.
And that is a small business advertisement right there, an author.
And everybody's wanted to write a book and that man went and did it.
That's that meat head manifesto.
And you know, you've seen these beasties in the gym.
You know, some dude got, you know, I mean, just, you know, he's just done so many reps.
He just, you know, he does curls and all the pimples on his face pop at once.
Just, you know, shatters his fucking taste buds.
Everything just flies right out of his mouth.
You know, thing, just, you know, just creaming out of his own pores.
You know, he's all hopped up on protein powder.
One of those guys that's usually, a lot of times you'll see him like dripping liquid protein into their eyeballs.
And, you know, some of them will even take a damn Mac Nugget and, you know, do them suppositories just to get a couple extra grams in the old B-hole.
You know, they're like that.
People that just got that protein.
Some of them will fucking suck an egg right out of a chicken's booty.
You know it?
Just to get that extra six grams that's in an egg.
And you know, an egg has six grams of protein in it.
Isn't that pretty wild?
And then I guess it's not that wild, actually.
So, but let's get in.
I'm going to announce the dates in just a minute.
Let's get into a call or two real quick that came in.
Here we go.
Yo, what's up, Dio?
My name is Dylan.
I'm here with my brother Nick.
We're from upstate New York.
Gang, gang, Nick and Dylan.
And upstate New York, that is necktat country.
So if you ever wondered, you know, do I have a necktat or what does it seem like to have a neck tattoo?
Well, go to upstate New York and meet a couple ladies or a couple men.
And, you know, sometime they'll have turtlenecks if they, if they're ashamed of themselves.
And you got to peel down that turtleneck and you can see you.
So they got a picture of, you know, like a little, they'll do sometime a, you know, if it's a guy that's been to prison, he'll have like a weird mix of shit, like a gun and then like a little Mickey mouse and a mini mouse or something.
Sometime ladies will have like a soup spoon or, you know, a garbage plate or something.
If they're from Rochester, I'll have that tattoo to stack a meat and cheese on their neck.
Thank you for calling, fellas, onward.
I see you on that business and biceps podcast, bro.
I'm a big fan of Corey G and Johnny Fosco and Mo C. You know, I follow Corey G's workouts.
The dude is insane, but what he does works, all those guys, you know, they got some good shit going on there.
And I was just wondering what you take from those guys, what you learned and apply to your life.
I think it's helped a lot with my personal development and growth.
So, yeah, I was just wondering what you learned from them.
Gang, gang, homie.
Gang, Papa.
Thank you for the call.
And you know what?
This is what I did while I was here.
You know, there wasn't a lot of time.
Because here's the thing.
Like I fly into Columbus, right?
I lose three hours on the flight.
So I leave at 6 a.m.
You know, I got up at 4.45, right?
And I'm not complaining.
I'm grateful because I get to do something that I love.
I get to come and see a lot of dope people and some real questionable people as well.
But, you know, I get out there and next thing, you know, I fly here.
So you lose that three hours.
You get off the plane, you get to the hotel, you get settled, you hit the shows, you know, and you do it like that.
And you barely got a time to get a little bit of, you know, to put some freshener on your skin or get freshened up or to even really, you know, fold your clothes or something.
And I don't like to take my clothes out of my bag.
When I'm traveling, I don't, I keep my clothes in my bag, dude.
I don't even know whose furniture this is.
When I'm in the hotel room, whose fucking furniture is it?
Not mine, bruh.
You think I'm putting my furniture in your, you know, little chiffer robe or drawer set?
So what, if I leave it, you get my shit, bruh?
A lot of these furniture, these things, they're just traps.
Like, hey, why don't you forget some shit in this thing over here?
Oh, here's a nice place for you to forget some shit that you probably really want to not forget.
That's all it is, man.
Why do you think everything in a motel or hotel has drawers and stuff on it?
Because they want you to leave shit.
Oh, what is that?
You left that.
Oh, you oh, you left that.
A little bit of cash, left a wallet.
Fucking, somebody left a Bible.
I was in half these places.
You know, you left a little refrigerator somebody left in one of these, you know, I was at these, you know, them embassy suites and they had a, somebody left a fucking little, probably some damn fucking redneck.
You know it, boy.
Some beautiful coon ass brought a damn, you know, a little frigid air.
You know, somebody that, I guess, want to have cold, you know, cold cuts or whatever close to them.
And they left it in a damn, I don't know why they even put it in there.
But they fucking, you know, people like that, you know, real people, they do real shit.
Like put a refrigerator in a damn chest of drawers.
But that's all a hotel room is just a place for you to lose shit.
Drop an earring, lose a wedding ring.
You know, the bed sheets, if you lose your shit, you ever lost a sock?
Have you ever lost a sock in a motel bed sheet area?
Dude, take your socks off before you go to bed.
Leave them in the bed with you.
You'll never see those bitches again, bruh.
They just fucking straight up narn you down at the bottom.
They got 19 layers of sheets.
Them bitches is young.
I tell you, it is probably one of the people that, you know, the cleaning ladies or somebody that works at the front desk, the night manager.
He always got a, you know, probably his name is Mr. Patrick or something.
That motherfucker up there wearing your socks by morning.
You know, the sock fairy comes and just socks your shit out.
And that socks your harassment, bro.
Grade A. Hashtag feet too, baby.
Feet too.
I mean, I'll tell you, that's what I'm saying.
These rooms are built to steal your shit.
The carpet is always a special pattern.
You set something on it.
You'll never see it again.
It could be anything.
You'll set a damn four-year-old on the floor.
You'll never see him.
He blend right into the damn carpet.
So you got to be careful because motel rooms is set up to steal your shit.
But anyway, oh, you asked the business and biceps crew.
I went over there and I did an episode of their podcast.
And man, it was great.
You know, it was something that I really needed, actually.
And those guys are Maurice Clorette, John Fosco, and Corey G. And one of them is a male model, you know, which is what it is, but they're good people.
Maurice Clarette is a famed athlete and he works with people in recovery and people, you know, getting their lives on track and people getting themselves better emotionally acclimated to the world.
And Jon Fosco does the marketing.
He was marketing for UFC for a long time with Dana White, and now he does, he has some of his own businesses.
They're all businessmen, and they're based out of here in Ohio.
And they came on my pod on this, on this, this, this past weekend, about six months ago.
And I was happy, man.
We had a great time.
Drove out there.
They got a cool studio and we kicked it.
And, you know, I got a lot more from them, honestly, than I was really expecting.
Now, for Maurice, I feel he is a, I mean, he is just like a, he's like the Garden of Eden when it comes to being able to, I think, really offer clear and concise and relatable help to people that struggle.
So him, I kind of, you know, I like him, he's like this fountain of truth a little bit that you can go around.
And, you know, it's just, he has some real special gifts.
So I love listening to him.
And the other two guys, you know, it's, I didn't know what I was going to get sometimes.
I mean, I've listened to some episodes of their pod, but, but this, it was really great, man.
You know, they, they, we talked about what's going on with me, with business and just sometimes how I feel, like what keeps me from maybe achieving some of my dreams, like really just like embracing the confidence of just my dream,
you know, just like saying, this is mine, you know, this, this is my destiny, and, you know, not second guessing myself and really trying to be more of, I guess, not being afraid to be a leader of myself, really.
You know, not of others, but really just to be able to not be afraid to lead myself.
So it was interesting.
It left me with a lot of things to think about and it was great.
It was honestly a really, I thought it was a real heartfelt episode.
So, and it was nice to not have to steer the show and just to be a, to be a guest.
You know, I like being a guest, you know.
And it was funny, all my life I've liked being a guest.
I love going over to people's houses.
I love being, you know, I always get more nervous when people come into my area.
And I do better when I go into somebody else's area.
But it was, man, it was, it was great.
It was one of the, it was one of the best times I've had on a podcast.
And that's saying a lot because I've, you know, been able to be fortunate and listen to some real guys and share some time with some real different pods.
But thanks for calling, gang, gang, man.
And I just added some dates actually in New York City, and that's May, I think, third and fourth or fourth and fifth.
Let's take this call that came in right here.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo.
It's George from Melbourne, Australia.
Hello, Joe.
That's a British accent.
I'm sorry.
I'm not going to try to impersonate your accent.
Hello, George.
Thank you for calling, mate.
I'm calling because I have a whole heap of spare time on my hands, and I guess that's why I'm calling into this podcast.
Well, better than masturbating than just touching yourself, and that's what I used to do.
But I think right now I'm like 70 days off of no masturbation.
Pornography, sorry.
I fucking came recently, but off of pornography.
You know, I bust still, but I'm not watching them titty videos.
You feel me?
Let's hear more, George.
But I just don't know what to do with all this time, man.
What do you think?
If you had all this spare time, if you had heaps of free time, what would you do?
Fly a kite, learn a skill, go searching?
Who knows?
Cheers, keep up the good work, George.
George.
Dude, well, first of all, if I was in Australia and I had free time, I would try to do that, get that little bit of that fucking kanger belly.
You feel me?
Every time I leave this on, what's wrong with me?
I would try to get that kanger belly where you sneak up on a kangaroo and try to get your hand in that little freaking, you know, into that pocket.
Bam, boy, hit him with that bam.
And get one hand in there if you can.
And if you can, if you get two hands in there, bruh, you're going to heaven.
You know that.
Look, if you can approach a strangeroo, that's what I call them, a kangaroo you don't know.
Because dude, kangaroos fight, okay?
I mean, kangaroos are the damn, you know, they're the George St. Pierre's of fucking, you know, the Far East, Australia.
And they will, they fight.
Dude, you put a couple dollars down between two kangaroos, they'll beat the fuck out of each other, man.
I mean, it's like, I mean, it's wild.
You know, this is some damn, you know, they're real animals.
But if you get that one hand in there, in that pocket, if you get both hands in that kangaroo pocket, boy, you're going to heaven, dude.
And that's that KP challenge, bro, that kangaroo pocket challenge.
See if you can sneak up on a stranger Rue, one you don't know, and get both hands in his pocket.
Ooh, good luck with that shit.
But what would I do in my spare time, brother?
I will tell you right now.
I'd probably go visit.
I'd probably go see Theo Vaughn in Australia.
And the dates that I'm going to be there are Friday, every time.
Every time.
Friday, May 24th in Melbourne, Melbourne, Melbourne, Australia, at Goldfields Theater.
Saturday, May 25th at the Metro Theater in Sydney.
Sunday, May 26th in Perth at the Astor Theater, Astor Theater.
And Saturday, June 1st in Brisbane at the Plaza Auditorium.
So I'm very excited.
Melbourne, Sydney, Perth, and Brisbane.
Goldfield Theater, Metro Theater, Astor Theater, and Plaza Auditorium.
Man, that's current.
I mean, this is just wild, you know, to think that I'm going to go to Australia and do shows, man.
I'm so excited.
And, you know, I'm nervous, I guess, because I don't know if, you know, I'm just worried.
Like, what if some of the jokes don't go or people don't know what I'm talking about?
But I guess I can just try and think about it before and do my best, dude.
You know, and do my best.
So pretty cool, man.
I'm really honored and I'm really, really excited.
As well, we had New York dates just went on sale.
Those tickets at Carolines on Broadway, May 3rd and 4th.
Otherwise, West Palm Beach, Kansas City, Phoenix, San Jose, Atlantic City, and the new shows, Boston, Medford, and Medford, Massachusetts at the Chevalier Theater.
Otherwise, I'll see you in Houston, February 21st and 23rd.
So thank you so much, too, from everybody from Australia, man.
I've gotten, I bet I've gotten probably 600 DMs about people asking and, you know, and just asking me to come.
And so, you know, I feel honored to feel welcome and thank you very much.
And I'm kind of scared.
I'm excited.
You know, this is just crazy, man.
You know, it's crazy that I get to live my dreams.
And, you know, and I do I want to try and work on just being more confident and just embracing, You know, embracing my dreams and not feeling bad about, sometimes I feel bad about the opportunities that I have or that I'm getting for some reason.
It's so weird, man.
You know, I feel bad about the opportunities.
I feel like, I don't know, sometimes I just feel like ashamed of even getting good opportunities.
You know, it's just something that's in my head that, you know, that doesn't want me to feel good almost about anything sometimes.
And that's my alcoholism.
That's my, you know, that's that negative self-tape.
And that was one thing we talked about on the Business and Biceps podcast.
And I don't work for those guys or ever.
That's just, you know, I think they're a special group.
Now, John Fosco will get on your fucking nerves sometimes, but then other episodes, he will be your absolute favorite.
So he's kind of like a stepdad.
You know, sometimes you're like, this fucking guy, but other times you're like, that fucking guy.
Wow.
What else, man?
But that's your answer.
What I would do in my spare time, I would go see Theo Vaughn at one of those places in Australia.
And I'm so happy to be announcing those dates.
I can't even believe it.
I'm like really just keyed up.
Fuck, man.
I feel like buying a damn eight ball, bro.
You know?
But what else do I like to do in my spare time?
Things I would really like to do.
We're finishing the pilot shoot this week.
We got Jim Jeffries is going to be on an episode.
So wow, so excited about that.
Speaking of Australia, you know, the Australian and the British son, you know, the dual citizen, Mr. Jay Jeffries.
And sorry, this episode is a little choppy, man.
I'm by myself.
I set the camera up by myself.
You know, I'm not in the studio.
So, you know, I don't even know if this shit, if you can hear it.
So good luck.
But I want to take this call, man.
You guys will be happy to hear this.
And what a blessing.
We got a call from my boy today right here, Trick Lung Mickey.
Everybody's been asking about him.
And this was a gentleman we met about a year and a half ago that had cystic fibrosis.
You know, he had them fucking danger bags, bro.
His lungs was all shook out and beat down.
And the devil was just trying to grow fucking dirty Spanish moss up in the sides of his air cages.
And then something came up, you know, and then the Lord went looking for the boy.
And he got new lungs, baby.
He got them new fucking O2 hitters in him.
Them fucking baby fucking breastie bags, bruh.
You know, them fucking silly, silly cinch sacks that he's got.
And he's puffing on some fucking bad motor scooters right now.
And I've been asking him to call in.
And he did.
And man, listen to his voice even sounds better.
You know what?
Here you go.
Yo, what's up, Theo, man?
This is Trick Lung Nikki.
Hey, man, just giving you a call to check in and give you an update to my life and everything.
Man, my health has been, it's been crazy, dude.
It's been great.
Ever since my recovery, things have been just absolutely amazing.
I had a really amazing recovery.
It went real fast.
I got healthy real quick.
And nowadays, man, I'm just relearning how to live life again.
I'm just trying to relearn.
You know, I had a job recently, and I quit that job because I'm in suck jobs, right?
But then I also started dating again, and, you know, I'm working out, boxing here and there.
And, man, life is going good, man.
And I just want to reach out to you and tell you how things have been.
And we have talked a little bit.
And, yeah, man.
Thank you so much, dude, to everybody who has listened and gave me any messages or anything like that.
And to you very much, Steel, man.
And I love you, man.
And here we go.
Living a real life.
And I'm more than excited to be able to do so, man.
I'll catch you up later, dude.
Wow.
Isn't that cool, man?
Living a real life.
And, you know, we're going to have Mickey in studio sometime soon.
And I wish if I had the capabilities this week, I would go back and play some of his old calls, some of his old where you can, you know, he didn't know if he was going to live, man, and he really didn't.
You know, and he was, he was like, I think in the top couple on the transplant list.
And it was, you know, coming down to it.
And he was in ICU for a long time.
And then it came through.
You know, it came through and they hit him with them fucking puff wings, bro, them lungs.
And he got a set of them freaking bad fucking ribcage roller skates, you know?
Them fucking baby back chimneys, son.
And now listen to him.
He said he's dating, bro.
You know, he's out there busting nuts, boy.
And he should be.
You know, imagine how much good nut you got locked up in your body.
I mean, I can't even, you know, if you got bad lungs, you could probably barely get any seed out of your body.
It probably just, you know, kind of climbs out a little at a time, you know?
Like a couple people, you know, getting out of like, you know, if a truck turned over on its side and everybody's trying to get out one of the windows.
But now he's out there and he's got some real heat.
You know, he's got them heat sacks in him and he's flowing big, I bet.
And he's dating.
He quit a job, dude.
Fuck yeah, bruh.
That's living, baby.
Telling somebody, oh, fuck you, I'm leaving.
And then going back the next day and be like, hey, man, I really, you know, I need this job back.
That's it, man.
You're living.
That's living.
That's awesome.
That's awesome.
And I want to hear about that.
I would love to have him in, man.
Mickey's take was so clear on like what he was so honest about some of the thoughts and feelings he was having about about when he wasn't doing well and when he wasn't sure he was going to make it and he came out to my shows and he looked man he you know he looked kind of Italian but also kind of like amphibian you know he was because you get kind of jaundice you know you turn a little bit of a bit of jaundice you know the devil puts that yellow number seven in you when they take when your lungs
are bad when you got dirty lungs and he was shook out but uh man it's so good to hear his voice dude just listen to how good he sounds even call to uh to check in and give you an update to my life and everything man my health has been it's been crazy dude listen to the octaves on that boy he hitting different levels he's finished he couldn't make it through a sentence.
This dude couldn't make it through a sentence.
I mean, he was like the Ted Bundy of sentences.
He would escape or just die.
You know, he couldn't make it through a sentence, but now here he is dropping full paragraphs.
Amen, baby.
Let's take another call here.
This came in on the hotline 985-664-9503.
Thank you guys always for calling.
Onward.
What's up, Mr. Theo Vaughn?
This is Spencer from Ogden, Utah.
What's up, Spencer from Ogden, Utah?
Now, Utah is one of the states that have a lot of secret jewels in the ground and, you know, special ores, gold.
Onward.
Hey, gang.
I went to your show in Salt Lake.
It was amazing, by the way.
But I just listened to the Howie Mandale podcast.
And you talked about identical twins and that they have to fight it out because it's witchcraftery and whatnot.
But I have a twin brother myself.
Me and him are 24 years old.
But we're fraternal.
So I want to ask you, do we have to fight to the death?
Because if we do, I'm kind of fucked.
He's got a bigger dick than me, probably like six inches bigger.
He lifts.
Dude, six inches bigger?
That's then you don't have any dick.
So do you have a dick or not would be probably where to start.
Let's move onward.
I appreciate sharing, though, some of this.
Wait.
He has a girlfriend.
He's got a lot of good stuff going for him, and I'm just here listening to a podcast.
Hey, I love your podcast.
I just laugh, so I don't know if that's good.
Let me know if fraternal twins can stay alive or need to fight to the death.
Well, I'll say this, bud.
I mean, in my book, You Win, because I'd love to keep you as somebody that's part of the curious crew that absorbs these episodes.
You know, he's got a girlfriend.
People have done that.
That's not a real new deal.
You know, he's got a job, bro.
Well, that's good.
Everybody should have a job.
Everybody should work.
But yeah, man, look, if y'all look, here's the thing.
If y'all look the same, man, y'all are fucking with people.
Really, what you're doing is just long-term magic.
Oh, he's there.
Now I'm there.
You know, who's that?
Oh, yeah.
You know, your names are Randy and Landy.
Like, get the fuck out of here with all of that.
Y'all figure it out.
Just because y'all, you know, just because your mom's vagina kind of stuttered both of y'all out of there doesn't mean everybody else should have to be all confused.
So, look, man, if you're identical twins, dude, I think y'all should take shifts, but having both y'all out in the world at the same time isn't fair.
So if you want to fight it out or do it out, man, I don't blame you, bruh.
Because whatever else y'all are doing, there's no way you could live a full life if somebody over there living half your life.
Come on.
What do you think I am, man?
You think I was born in 1961, bruh?
No, sir.
But, you know, so maybe challenge him to some real shit.
You challenge him to some shit you could win, you know?
Like maybe do a staring contest.
If he's stronger, start with the eyes, bruh.
You don't know who's strong.
You know, you never know.
He probably don't do like a lot of eye exercises, you know, a lot of optical chart work.
So hit him where it fucking hurts, man.
You know, start to know some shit about him.
Do some seancing or something.
Ouija board his ass, dude.
He's half of you running around.
And you're just fucking chilling, bruh.
Tighten up, dude.
But I appreciate you calling, man.
I appreciate you calling in with that information.
And just, I can't imagine if somebody, if I look over and they got somebody just like me and they got a girl with big tits, bruh.
And I'm just over here just looking at my own meat and sometimes like drawing little nipples on my nuts and kind of squeeze them into the end of the bag so it looks like like a little set of tits, bruh.
I mean, that's that's wild.
Man, it's snowing out here.
It's beautiful.
I'm going to austra.
Dude, if you fucking double hand that fucking K-pocket, son, straight to heaven.
Let's hear this.
Onward.
Hey, Theo, it's Allie from Reno.
Just having a hard day at work, but I just wanted to call you and tell you that I just got a ferret to go to be little best friends with my other ferret named Lishu.
Oh, yeah, ferrets like having buddies.
If you see one ferret by itself, man, oh, so sad.
You see two ferrets always running all over each other and they'll urinate on each other.
If you want to watch something urinate on each other and it's not people, bruh, you know, you're not in Amsterdam or something and you got, you know, you got some time to kill or something while your wife's shopping, then you got to get two ferrets.
Because them bad cats will piss all over each other, bro.
I mean, it's like, damn.
I mean, it's just like, it's like a, you know, that's the Lord's lemonade stand, brother, a pair of ferrets.
Thank you for calling in.
And thank you for calling from Reno.
And if you also want to, I mean, Reno is just a lot of AA meetings and unemployment over there.
A lot of disability checks.
Boy, a lot of debility checks hitting mailboxes over there.
Dude, people, I was there for a whole weekend two times.
Nobody won nothing.
Let's take more onward.
And me and my boyfriend are big fans, and we named him Theo after you.
Full name Theo Vaughn.
I'm just trying to tell you that.
He's a little bit stinky.
He kind of looks like you, but that's all.
Oh, now I could see that.
I could see me looking like a ferret.
You know, I'm kind of lean, kind of long in the nose, got hair on my chinny, chin, chin.
So yeah, I could see that.
I wet the bed while I was about 28. So I think you made a good choice.
You know, I mean, you could be the damn mayor Reno as far as I'm concerned.
It sounds like you made a real solid choice there.
And thank you for blessing that animal with my name.
And I'd love to meet that animal some point.
You know, someone, someone months ago sent me a picture of a Chinese kid and they named him Theo Vaughn.
And I thought that was pretty cool.
This is like a year, actually, this is about a year and a half ago.
So now we got a Chinese, you know, a young Chinese and a ferret.
So pretty cool.
Let's take a call right here.
985-664-9503 is the hotline.
And thank you to everybody that came out in Columbus this weekend.
I don't know if I expressed that enough.
I know I always do that on these, but y'all don't realize like the people that work at these clubs constantly tell me, man, you have the best audiences.
They're like, they're just good people.
They come in, they're enjoying the show, and they're having fun.
And it's just, man, it's cool.
You know, it's really cool.
And I feel grateful just to meet everybody I get to meet.
You know, this dude said, oh, I met two twins this weekend.
And look, man, I was like, man, y'all need to, one of y'all need to just shut it down.
I mean, maybe if y'all in different hemispheres, I could see it working.
But with both y'all in the same place, it seems like cheating.
What else did we have come out?
We had, I mean, everybody, people drove in from Pittsburgh, Cleveland.
People drove in.
I met people that I'd seen before at the shows in Nashville, and then I saw them here.
You know, we had some people from recovery came out, man, some really great people.
Just a good time.
You know, I'm pretty fortunate, young man, to be able to make you guys laugh, and I hope I did that.
Let's take this hitter here.
Here we go.
Hi, Theo.
My name is Jessica, and I'm a nurse.
I live in Tucson, Arizona.
Oh, thank you for calling, Jessica.
My mother lives in Tucson, and she just put her husband in an Alzheimer's unit because he got Alzheimer's.
Let's hear more.
But I felt compelled to call because even though our occupations are very different, I feel that there's some similarities.
I felt like I needed to call and send you some love.
Well, thank you.
That's sweet of you.
You know, my sister's a nurse, and I think it's one of the most amazing jobs you can have.
Not because my sister has it, but I just, you know, a lot of nurses that I met are just amazing people.
You know, they have an ability to care about others, not just at work, but even in their regular lives.
And it's just like a, it's just like, it's like you and I breathing.
It's just like a natural thing for them.
And man, it's just, it's special.
They're special people.
They have a special gift to care for others that really I admire.
Let's hear more.
You're talking about the dream you had with helping your neighbor find their seed.
And you're talking about being tired.
But I know nurses can experience what they call caregiver burnout.
And it happens when you give of yourself consistently and forget or neglect to take care of yourself.
And I feel like you do that too.
You're always giving of yourself, of your time and your energy and making people laugh, which is a beautiful thing.
I just felt like maybe practicing some self-love and by self-love I mean for me I work out I do boxing and that is a great outlet for me and listening to podcasts like yours really helps a lot too so that's about it I just wanted to tell you I love you and thank you for what you do you're you're a bright light in this world well you are
you know you're a much brighter light than I will ever be you are a nurse you know and being by people's bedside when they're really scared man that's a real powerful and brave place to be you know they should call y'all lifeguards people by a pool gets a lifeguard no that dude ain't doing shit bro he up there trying to fuck honestly you know or it's some lady up there trying to show off her legs and put the tanning on them you know to the shine you know the oil they
y'all should be the lifeguards and y'all should get the whistle and if somebody about to die you whistle at them and they just pop right back up because nurses are the real lifeguards you know y'all ain't sitting up there and you got a here's the thing if you're a lifeguard at a pool somebody's drowning you throw them that little thing that little you know hey do it yourself cheerio badal bruh but nurse you got to figure it out you got to make choices quick
you know y'all should get a you know they should give y'all a you know a syringe of hgh or something if there's somebody's passing out just you know dexter them in the neck and just bring them back real fast and get them going but it's just i always leave my email on jesus somebody but yes for some reason it's always they get all the credit lifeguards and y'all are the real lifeguards nurses and for some reason yeah they get all the
credit but you guys are the real lifeguards you know i'll tell you this if i'm in the deep end of a disease i don't want some dude over there you know or some lady with them big tatties out there brenda or something you know and she just putting tannin oil on her body you know or this or some dude with bangs over his face he can't even see i'm fucking drowning and he's over here just looking all just quaffed out and well conditioned he got sunglasses over the
bangs and he's a lifeguard that dude i'll if Next time I'm at a pool, bro, I'm bringing a nurse, bro.
I'm bringing an RN.
And that's what I'm doing.
Real life savers.
So, sorry, I got fired up about that right there.
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Oh, I'll tell you this, man.
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That's a love day, man.
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All right.
Thank you, Nurse, for calling in.
And you know, you're right.
I'm going to try to do some maybe less Thursday episodes.
And I got to slow it down a little bit because I'm just, you know, I've been Feeling a little bit overwhelmed, and some of it's fear of messing up and fear of not doing stuff.
Some of it's wanting to, you know, I've had to go from being a comedian, just a guy screwing around, to more of a guy like running, you know, his future, I think.
And right now is a real transition period for me.
And so it's been different.
You know, I used to just be the guy, I could just show up at the club and do the sets and go home.
And now people are there.
And so I have a responsibility.
And then also, you know, people are like, oh, well, I want to get a shirt.
And so you want to have merchandise, but you want to have fair price merchandise and you want to have good merchandise.
So, you know, you try and deal with stuff like that.
And then, you know, I want to start a kids channel so that I can entertain, you know, do fun stuff for children that could be entertaining or seek out some, you know, help other friends that want to create stuff for children.
And, you know, I want to do, you know, some outreach.
I want to help others.
I don't want to be someone that gets opportunities and just takes for themselves.
So I want to, you know, try and do this kind of stuff.
And it's like, suddenly I feel like a lot of pressure to do it all at once.
And I don't know.
I guess I just feel, I think some of the truth is I just feel like if I don't constantly do something, then people aren't going to see that I'm a good person.
You know, like if I don't like, if I'm not always doing, trying to do something good, then nobody will think that I'm an okay person or maybe even an okay person.
And I think some of that goes from when I was young, I just never felt seen.
You know, I never felt seen when I was a child.
I just never felt seen.
I never had any feedback on what I was doing or who I was.
I just never felt, I just, you know, I felt like, you know, I just wasn't seen by my parents.
I wasn't seen.
You know, and when you're not seen, you don't, things aren't recognized.
So then you start running at a frantic pace because there's no one telling you, okay, hey, you know, you don't have to always be trying to do something for people to think you're somebody that does something.
You can sometimes not do something and people are still going to think that you're somebody that does something because of your history of trying to do stuff.
But when nobody tells you that, you just keep showing up and feeling like you have to do stuff.
And it's, and I don't feel like I need validation.
I don't feel like that's what I'm looking for.
And some of this is stuff I don't know.
It's just like stuff I've just been thinking about.
But I just, like, if I don't keep doing stuff, then I just, then I just feel like I don't know what I'm doing, that I'm not doing anything or something.
I don't know.
And some of that's the side effect of not being seen.
I just never felt seen as a child.
I felt alive.
I felt.
But I just never felt, I don't know.
I just started to feel like nobody knew who I was.
And I didn't even know.
And some of that is, and I'm not angry at my parents, I'm not angry at, but some of that is a parent's responsibility to connect with the child on a level where the child sees them and, you know, lets them know that they're okay and just, and they feel seen, you know.
They feel understood.
They feel, I don't know.
I just keep coming back to this word, feeling seen.
Somebody said it the other day in a meeting and they said that, you know, they never felt seen by their parents.
And it just, man, something in me just like unlocked and just, and I just was like, wow, that's something that I always felt.
I never felt seen.
You know, I just like, I just want you to see me.
You know, that's what I would think to my mother.
I just want you to see me.
You know, like, what do I have to do to make you see me?
You know, I just want to be okay.
I just, I just want you to see me, you know?
But I need to do some stuff to take better care of myself.
I'm thinking about maybe even taking a vacation over Valentine's and doing something.
But thank you for thinking of me.
That's very sweet of you.
And that just shows what kind of people nurses are.
And I love you.
Let's take this call right here.
Hey, man.
This past weekend, I, well, I got fired from job I've had for five years.
But I'm really just calling to like.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that, man.
Five years is a good run, though.
Most people don't work somewhere for five minutes, you know?
Some people, they don't work at Popeyes long enough to grill up a damn wing or something.
So congratulations, dude.
Onward.
Caller to caller.
I just want to thank all your callers because I'm doing pretty well, all things considered.
You know, you had that guy who last week who called in and he got hit by a car or a bus or something after he lost his job.
And, you know, it sucks.
It fucking sucks.
But it's.
Well, I'd rather get hit by a bus.
At least a bus, you get hit by a group of people.
You know?
So at least it's more, I think, community oriented.
A car, you get hit by one fucking dude who's reaching for a Dr. Pepper or a Diet Sprite and he ain't paying attention.
He fucking clips you out.
And I got hit by a Trans Am, a silver Trans Am when I was young.
Beautiful car, bro, but still, doesn't matter, man.
Hurt.
It's because of your show, man, that right now I got my chin up and I'm pretty optimistic.
And so, yeah, I just want to thank you and all your callers.
And because I'm optimistic about moving on to something else.
And yeah, and I really think that your podcast has played a real real part in that, in that feeling that I, that I have right now.
I feel motivated to move on to something new.
And uh, and so yeah, I just wanted to call and say thank you.
Well, thank you, man.
And I wish you good luck with that new experience.
Do you sound, yeah, if you're aware and you're staying, just stay in the pocket, you know, and just ask the world for a new, something new.
And you're gonna, you're gonna, you're gonna, you're going to get it.
You're gonna get it.
You know, it sound like you're a hard worker, you're committed.
You don't think that the world wants you in a good place with a good job that you're gonna enjoy and thrive in?
Yes, I believe that it does, man.
And you're gonna get there.
And thank you for calling in because you saying that, that lifts other people up.
It's just a circle, man.
We're just caught in a neat circle that we all, you know, are all here holding together the round edges of as a group.
But it's pretty cool.
Best of luck to you, man, with the new experience.
And I can't wait to see what you get.
I bet it's going to be awesome.
You know, somebody was going to do an episode of the Man Up pilot, the Comedy Central pilot.
And like at the last minute, they bailed.
You know, and I was like, why?
And they had like some obtuse excuses.
But in the end, it doesn't matter what their excuses were.
You know, they didn't want to do it.
And it kind of hurt my feelings.
And it was somebody I'd done some stuff for.
And it was like, why would you, you know, and the reason they didn't even, and I text them, they didn't get back to me.
But fast forward a few days, and we have an even better entertainer, two entertainers who have joined on.
And it was just what was supposed to happen.
And as angry as I was, I remember even, I wasn't that angry, actually.
I was upset at first.
I was a little bit angry at the person.
But then I was like, well, this is what's supposed to happen.
What am I going to struggle against?
What's supposed to happen for no reason?
And I kind of settled down and then something even greater came along, a greater experience.
So you just don't know what's right around that corner, man.
We just don't know.
And that corner is not going to show it to you until we're willing sometimes to say, all right, I'm going to take some faith and just stand here and wait for something to come around that corner rather than to be turning back and looking at whatever and angry at whatever just happened, whatever went away.
Because if I turn back and look down the wall of the building on the corner, of the side of the corner, the edge of the corner I'm on, then I'm going to miss whatever's coming right back, whatever's coming right around.
I'm going to miss it.
But are you staying there with some patience, some faith, some hope?
Man, I think the world wants good things for us.
It really does.
Let's take one more call right here.
Hey, Theo, this is Ben from Kentucky.
Man, I was just thinking, you're always talking about, you know, like connecting with your siblings and stuff like that.
I've been in a situation, you know, where I kind of grew up away from my sisters, and we've gotten closer, you know, over the last few years, but I'm in the situation where their lives are both just crazy.
Like they're like, they turned into like these street queens.
Oh, yeah, a lot of bad bitches out there.
Let's hear more.
Like working at Waffle House, working at strip clubs.
Gang, gang, boy, you know I get that eggs and cheese and that raisin toast, boy.
And I want two scoops of grit, son.
And I want you to take the hairnet off while you cook it, baby girl.
Or boy.
Because I like my shit real.
You know what I'm saying?
I like that wobble ham, man.
Dude, I want that fucking, I want a little bit of fucking methadone sprinkled on them fucking griots, baby.
And I want that chocolate milk.
I love Waffle House, son.
I want people fucking fist fighting in the parking lot when I get there.
That's because I know the food's going to be hot.
You know, when people fucking, you know, if people out front fist fighting, they got enough energy in their belly to fight because they've been in there eating the good hitters at Waffle House.
And I want that waffle.
I want that perfectly motherfucking shaped waffle, bruh.
And I want that thing to taste a little bit like a waffle and a little bit like just like nothing but hard air.
I want that thing to taste like it was made in dang China, brother.
You feel me?
And I want that syarrif on that thing.
I want that fucking sweet drip, drip, drip, drip, drip.
I want that thing all R. Kellett up.
Yeah, yeah, man.
And that's how I like my shit.
And I want somebody to quit.
I want one of the cooks to quit while I'm there eating, bruh.
If somebody fucking quits, my shit tastes better, bruh.
If somebody quits at the grill, my food tastes even better.
I want that Aunt Archie, bruh.
I want that Aunt Archie going on around me while I'm enjoying my WH onward.
And now the situation is one of my sisters in a bad situation where she actually filed charges against her boyfriend.
Well, we knew that was going to happen onward.
But like being kidnapped and raped and just, you know, crazy stuff.
And my other sister's saying she don't believe her and kind of blaming each other.
And I'm kind of stuck in the middle.
And I'm trying to be there for both of them because, you know, my other sister, she's actually, she's going to be like losing her house.
She's lost her job.
She's in a real bad spot right now because she's afraid to go back to that area just because people are saying she's making this up.
I was trying to see what would you do as far as trying to be there for both, you know, both halves of it without actually, you know, what would you do to make the right decision there?
I appreciate it, Theo.
Gang gang.
Gang gang, bud.
You know, you know what?
I'll offer some experience from this.
I have a sister, you know, and she's been in and out of some tough stuff.
And you know what I can do?
I can offer, I can ask, how can I help?
And I will let them say, well, you could help like this.
And then I will say, okay, that is something I can do or that is not something that I can do.
What's another way that I could help?
That way you're being of help.
You're offering to help.
And you're offering, but there's, you know, you're helping on your terms as well.
Because getting involved too much may not be getting me less help than you think.
You know, you could pray for them.
You could think, you know, you could see if you could offer them, is there a way, you know, a financial way that I could help?
Is maybe getting them into a 12-step program or something like that where then they can develop a way to manage their own lives better.
That's what 12-step programs do.
They help people manage their own lives.
People always give it these names, sex addiction and drug addiction and alcoholism.
That's just something on the outside.
That's that accoutrement.
The real deal is somebody learning a way to manage their own life better.
So you could offer to go to a meeting with them, but you can't tell them what to do.
If they ask for a suggestion, you can offer it.
Or you could offer a suggestion.
You could offer a suggestion and see if they want a suggestion.
Telling them what to do isn't going to help.
Thinking they should do something.
Nobody should do anything.
You know, even though we think it, we all think it.
I think it all the time.
Somebody should do, they should do, they should.
When I start thinking somebody should do something, something wrong with me.
Because nobody's going to do nothing.
They're going to do what they're going to do.
How am I going to react in it?
Hopefully, not at all, because it's really none of my business unless it affects me absolutely towards me.
But I feel your plight, man.
It's hard to be a loving brother as our sisters get older because there's only so much we can do.
We can't really, you know, they're not young girls that we could, you know, lift them up onto something or walk them across the street or, you know, and sometimes when we're younger, we don't make the best choices to help our sisters.
And so we feel we should, we have to make up for that as adults.
You know, I remember my sister, I remember I paid one of my sister's phone bills for a couple years, never really mentioned it.
And now I just pray for my sister all the time, you know, and I try to be loving to other women that I meet.
I'm not always successful at it, but, you know, sometimes I try to be loving to other women that I meet because that's somebody else's sister.
And even if I don't have the relationship or able to do something for my sister, if I'm able to do something for somebody else's, that's still do it's the same thing.
And I fail all the time at all of that.
But those are just some suggestions of things.
But don't be too hard on yourself.
They are adults as well.
And they are responsible for their own lives.
And you can always check in with them and just tell them you love them.
And just try and be supportive, even if what they're doing may be the wrong thing to you.
And that's hard to do.
And that's unconditional love, I think, if we can do that.
And somebody tells you they're doing something like, nah, you should be doing this.
Say, oh, wow.
You can say, how's that working out?
What's going on with that?
Oh, cool.
Good luck.
If there's anything I can do to help, let me know.
But it sounds like your heart's in the right place, man.
And I bet you'll be fine.
And this is a great way to end this episode.
I got to go be on stage in 53 minutes.
So I'm going to shut this down.
And I'm not playing that song again on the way out.
We'll just finish with a little.
I got this one.
I don't know if we covered everything at all, man.
You know, sometimes I don't know.
I don't know what we're doing.
But I had a good time.
I had a great time here in Columbus, man.
I'm going to miss some of this snow.
I wanted to be able to see more of it and play around in it or do something like that, you know?
But I guess I'm not going to have that experience.
But thank you to everybody that came out.
I feel like there's something I was going to tell you guys, but I don't know.
We'll see.
I'll see you over the rainbow with Dorothy and that little shih tzu or whatever, you know, because daddy's going to Alf Stround, yeah.
But thank you so much, man.
I feel so grateful to have people come out to my shows that genuinely I can tell care about me.
And, you know, and I care about you too, man, whoever you are.
And if nobody's told you that they love you, man, I love you.
Or woman, I love you.
And, you know, we're just out here on this ball of dirt and water and we just have these weird, just, you know, we're emotional creatures, but we're going to be okay.
One foot in front of the other.
That's all we could do.
And be brave to change, to make some changes if we can.
You know, nothing changes if nothing changes.
So, love you guys, man.
Be good to yourselves.
You deserve it.
I know you do.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Aye, Suiar.
Easy deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jermaine.
Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no!
*BEEP*
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
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