Looking for Keys in My Subconscious | This Past Weekend #171
Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_ Recovering. Talking made up stories, cigarettes, and feeling uncomfortable. This episode brought to you by… Hair Club Visit https://HairClub.com/theo for a free hair analysis and a free take home hair care kit – valued over three hundred dollars. Ridge Wallet https://www.ridgewallet.com/theo Use code “theo” for 10% off your order Music “Celebrate” - Spencer Jacob Recovering. Talking made up stories, cigarettes, and feeling uncomfortable. Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 Or upload a video question/comment to our Dropbox http://bit.ly/TPW_VideoHotline The Guntside Patreon Gunt Squad Aaron Jones Aaron Rasche Aaron Rasche Adam White Adriana Hernandez Aidan Duffy Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Hitchins Alex Person Andrea Gagliani Andrew Valish Angelo Raygun Anthony Schultz Arielle Nicole Ashley Konicki Audrey Harlan Ayako Akiyama Bad Boi Benny Baltimore Ben Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Streit Brad Moody Bryant Combs Bubba Hodge Carla Huffman Casey Roberts Chad Saltzman Christopher Becking Christopher Stath Cody Cummings Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Dan Draper Danielle Fitzgerald Danny Gill David Christopher David Smith David Wyrick Donald blackwell Doug Chee Felicity Black Felix Theo Wren Ginger Levesque Grant Stonex Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia Jacob Rice James Hunter Jameson Flood Jason Haley Jeffrey Lusero Jenna Sunde Jeremy Johnson Jeremy Siddens Jerry Zhang Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joey Piemonte John Kutch Johnathan Jensen Jon Ross Jordan R Josh Cowger Justin L justin marcoux Kennedy Kenton call Kevin Best Kevtron Kiera Parr Kirk Cahill kristen rogers Kyle Baker Lacey Briesemeister Leighton Fields Logan Yakemchuk Luke Danton Matt Kaman Matt McKeen Matthew Azzam Matthew Sizemore Megan Daily Meghan LaCasse Mike Nucci Mike Poe Mona McCune Nick Butcher Nikolas Koob Old McTronald Owen Lide Paddy jay Passenger Shaming Peter Craig Philip James Qie Jenkins Ranger Rick Renee Nicol Robert Mitchell Robyn Tatu Ryan Walsh Sarah Anderson Scoot B. Sean Scott Season Vaughan Shane Pacheco Steez Stefan Borglycke Sungmin Choe Suzanne O'Reilly Taylor Beall thatdudewiththepaperbag The Asian Hamster Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Todd Ekkebus todd vesterse Tom in Rural NC Tom Kostya Tommy From England Travis Simpson Tyler Shaver Victor Montano Victoria Adams William Morris William Reid Peters xTaCx Stretch Zech JohnsonSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Dude, when you show up late, you got to make up for it.
I think that's one of the reasons I kind of, maybe when I was young that I became like kind of, you know, gregarious or out.
God, everything's going wrong today.
I think that was one of the reasons why I became like, like you had to develop a person, you know, you had to develop like, you know, be, you know, entertaining to people or because you were late.
Like, if you're late, bro, you fucking better make people happy fast, man.
You know, like, I just, because you have to get there and be like, oh, you know, you guys got here early.
And they're like, fuck no, we didn't.
You're late, motherfucker.
And, but anyway, well, sorry I'm late, dude.
But let's see if I can make it up to you.
Thank you guys for your patience.
Let's see what's going on.
Let's go.
Celebrate dark days.
Celebrate all your pain.
All of your demons exercised.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
There you go, and that is Celebrate.
That is the Spencer Jacob Grow Band G-R-A-U.
And that's a wild last name, Growl.
You know, some people, you know, we used to have a boy boss named Danny Boom.
His last name was Boom.
Some people's names, there are sounds.
Their last names might be sounds, you know?
Or even their first name might be Pop.
We had this old dude used to coach T-Ball.
His name was Pop Yorgens.
Pop Yorgens.
And he was, his first name was a sound, you know, Pop.
Boom.
Danny Boom.
You know?
Larry Splat.
They had the Splats used to live about four blocks down from us.
Larry Splatt and his family.
And the funny thing about them was they were real, real thin.
So it almost seemed like the whole family had just fallen off of something, just landed and kind of just, you know, Larry Splat.
Like that.
But so some people have sound names, and that man who made that song for us is one of those, maybe Spencer Jacob Growl, even though it's G-R-A-U.
So that's probably Dutch, I think.
And it's not growl, you know.
We used to have this, we had a teacher when I was in seventh, sixth grade or something named Barb Growl.
And so that's an interesting last name.
Barb, you know, last name Growl.
Miss Growl.
Because it sounds, especially when you're a kid, if you hear that your teacher next year is going to be Miss Growl, you're like, growl.
That's scary.
That's scary.
That's like, you know, who's your teacher?
Miss Murder.
Miss Donitra Murder.
You're like, damn.
I got Miss Murder and Miss Growl.
I am fucked.
But yeah, some of them people can have an interesting first name or last name.
Pop, Larry Splatt, Danny Boom, Letitia Murder.
No, Donnie.
I forgot that lady's name.
Barb Growl.
Interesting names.
Man, you know, I get in some of these fits sometimes, man.
I'm came in a fit today.
I don't want to talk to anybody.
I don't want anybody fucking looking at me.
I don't want nobody touching me.
Dude, sometimes you don't, dude, I feel bad for the person that touches you when you don't want somebody touching you.
There's probably about usually 30 minutes in my week where I don't want nobody touching me.
Don't touch me.
And somebody, some fucking grabby McFucking Richardson will touch me.
And don't, I turn into fucking barb growl real quick, boy.
I start just barb growling at people.
And I'll turn into fucking Miss Dantisha murder.
Don't even do that, boy.
Or I'm going to Larry splat your ass.
Donnie boom, Danny boom.
That's when I lose it, bruh.
That's when I lose it.
And today was one of those days, man.
I came in here.
Everything was fucking, you know, the studio's all a mess.
It's just look like a damn trap house.
It's just trap.
It's just, you know, and it just, I came in and I just wasn't in a good mood, but I didn't help.
That was the problem.
I didn't try to help the scenario.
I just kind of complained at Nick.
And, you know, I just, whatever, you know, that's where I'm at.
That's where I'm at.
But I'm grateful to be here today to at least get that off my chest and just say what's going on.
And I had a long night.
You know, I had a long night, man.
I, um, you know, I like, here's one thing I look forward to at night time.
I look forward at nighttime.
Oh, just to finish my thought from earlier.
If you are late, then you have to have some semblance of communication, really.
You know, you have to develop, I think people that are late can sometimes develop the ability to be entertainers because you have to make up for your absence.
You know, you got to cut a couple of jokes or do something, you know, tickle somebody's ass a little or do something, you know?
You got to fucking, you know, lightly pin, you know, you got to whistle it on the back of somebody's neck real softly.
Just, boy.
Fucking hailing calves off the back of somebody's fucking upper lumbar, dog, on that neck.
You blow on somebody's neck, boy.
My God, boy.
Make that cartilage, make a lot of cartilage show up in my wiener suddenly.
If somebody, you blow on my neck, boing, gang, gang.
Make a lot of cartilage show up in my wiener area.
But this is what I'm saying here, is that I had a long night.
And I look forward to nighttime, bro.
Dude, look, I look forward to nighttime because I get to rest.
And I get to dream.
And I like doing those things.
So here's what happened to me.
I had a dream that my fucking neighbor.
And let's be honest, a neighbor is just somebody who bothers you that's close as fuck.
Shh.
you That's where I'm at today.
I'm just fucking...
I just want to make sounds like that.
Grrrr, grrrr, grrrr.
*sad noises*
Larry's flat.
Barb growl.
That's how I'm feeling.
So my neighbor, I had a dream, and my neighbor lost their car keys and wanted me to help look for them.
So I'm all ready to have a dream, you know, but in the dream, not in real life, in my dream.
But dude, I spent my whole dream helping them find their fucking keys.
Their car keys.
And here was the worst part at the end.
They had sold their car somehow.
You know how dreams are.
Suddenly something just fucking happened, you know?
You know how dreams are.
You'll be in a dream.
You order a glass of lemonade.
Next thing you know, you're fucking, you know, you're on Mount Rushmore.
It's like, so this whole night, my entire night, I'm helping my neighbor whose apartment smelled like liver and onions.
I'm helping them look for their car keys.
Then finally, I can't even remember if we got them or not, but they realized that they had sold their car.
So that was my whole, so that's my night's sleep.
So not, I had, and not only, you know, and I woke up probably four or five times.
So not only did I not get the rest I wanted, but the dream I'm getting, I have to work during it.
I had to work during my whole dream helping somebody look for car keys to a car they sold in a vast expanse of liver and onion smell.
And man, so I showed up today and I was just kind of chirped out.
I was kind of chirped out.
So that's where I'm at, dude.
I like to have a dream where I can relax, you know, have a pineapple pop, have a, um, you know, a couple of maybe, you know, some cheesy breads or something.
Chill out.
Go on a plane ride, but like a real slow plane.
That's calm, calm, calm, calm, calm.
A calm plane.
So that's what I like.
But if I got to stay up all night in my dream, I got to be dreaming, then I'm fucking looking for your keys and you ain't even got a fucking car, you animal.
Then that makes me mad.
I feel like I got taken advantage of a little bit.
So that's where I'm at.
I'll give you a little update on life on my side.
Oh, I saw Gerard Butler this weekend again at the comedy store.
And he was super nice, man.
He talked about, we chatted after the show for a little bit.
And I've seen him before here and there.
We have a mutual friend.
And he had lost his house.
He had lost his Malibu home in the fire, in one of the fires out here.
And he was telling me that, you know, he was upset.
It was obviously devastating.
But that, you know, suddenly he had to get a new place.
And right around the same time, he and a girlfriend, his girlfriend had split up.
And so suddenly his house is gone.
His girlfriend is gone.
And he had to rent a new house.
And, you know, obviously he's blessed to be able to have the ability to, you know, just rent a new house.
But he just said, you know, he had kind of a positive attitude.
He said, you know, it's just like he kind of got forced into like a new experience.
And he was just kind of rolling with the punches.
So I thought it was just kind of an interesting take on, you know, on a real tragedy.
But that was interesting.
I saw him at this comedy store this weekend.
I had an eye infection all weekend.
Or, you know, we're shooting the pilot last week.
And I'm going to put some clips up on Patreon today and some images from the pilot shoot.
But we're shooting this Comedy Central pilot, which is based on the podcast.
How awesome is that?
Man, I'm so grateful.
It's based on the podcast.
So the podcast, you know, it's people that have called into the podcast, you know, wanting to talk about an issue that they're dealing with or sharing something that's going on in their life or expressing concern for a friend or family member.
And now we are taking those calls and meeting with those people in real life and going out and helping find not solution because I don't know, you know, I don't really have any solution, but helping be a part of their lives and just letting those people know that I care and that somebody cares and that we care.
You know, so that's really, really cool that now, you know, this community that we started here, it could potentially be a show.
You know, it could potentially be a real show.
And there's a couple episodes, and that's called Man Up that are on YouTube.
But now we're making a few more.
And we got some good stars in.
Joey Diaz, Coco, Coxaka.
He came out and helped out.
Me and him got in a sweat lodge.
And who else?
John Lovitz.
You know, he came out.
Who else?
We might have Jim Jeffries.
We've got to do one more episode.
But anyhow, the makeup, they had a makeup lady working the first day.
And she, I mean, one thing I like about whoever does that, if I work on a project or I say project like I'm some kind of fucking actor.
If I work on one of these deals, bruh, and they, what I like is the person that does the hair or the makeup, if they have a good energy and a fun vibe, then that really starts my day off well.
Because if you, whenever you go on a set, on one of these, on a set of taping, you know, the first person you go see is hair and makeup.
You know, and hair, damn, dude, good luck with this, with this fucking, this straight up, man.
This shit is a straight up.
My shit's getting Brazilian, dude.
My shit is getting straight up Amazonian.
I mean, I'm going to be selling weed on the beach soon.
But the first thing you do, you go to the hair and makeup chair.
So, and if that person has a fun energy and a good energy and shit, then it's great.
The day is great, you know, because that lifts you off.
So anyhow, the makeup person was just, to me, was kind of dull.
But even worse than that, whenever they were putting makeup around my eyes, and look, dude, don't look at me like I'm wearing a bunch of makeup, man.
I don't wear makeup, you know?
The only thing I've ever had on my face most of my life is acne.
When I was young, acne or my big nose.
Outside of that, bruh, that's the only thing you find on my face, except maybe, you know, a little bit of chocolate around my mouth if I have like a chocolate in a hurry and I'm not being real careful.
So, so anyhow, this lady was kind of dope, but I think one of the tools she used to put the makeup on or something, they had dirty, you know, they had dirty tools, you know, like I don't know if she's out there sharing needles or something with other makeup people.
You know, she's out there in the fucking back alley in these L'Oreal back alleys.
I don't know if she's been in these, you know, these S. D. Lauder trap houses or what.
You know what I'm saying?
I don't know if she's, you know, I don't know if she's copping Grahams, you know, but, you know, in the basement of a Sephora or what's going on.
But the makeup, whatever she put, it infected my eye.
My eye got infected.
So then I'm rolling around with that bad eye.
And dude, if you have a red eye, I don't care if it's, I don't care if a bee stung you in your eye.
I don't care if like a little mouse bit you.
You know, if a little mouse bit you in your eye, dude, I don't give a fuck.
Here's what other people think.
They think you got pink eye.
That you got some of your booty in your eye.
And that's, man, it's hard to shake that.
Because you need, you got to have, when you look at people, if you only have one of your eyes open, they think you're being weird.
And they're right.
So anyway, I wore an eye patch and I had, you know, I'll try, but finally it's going away.
So it's getting better.
But so it's just been a hectic, you know, all day, all weekend I had to have an eye patch on.
And look, I like an eye patch, man.
That shit.
And dude, you'd be surprised the ladies that want to try to fucking climb up your ladder.
You know, they want to try and climb up your little balled up meat ladder when you have an eye patch.
Because an eye patch is like, hey, guess what's behind this patch?
Who fucking knows?
Maybe buried treasure, maybe a little jewel.
You know, a lot of old senior citizens or Persian people, they put a little jewel back there.
They put a ruby or an amethyst.
They pop that little bitch in that eye, where the eye used to be.
You know, and some of them, you pop that thing open.
If you could open up an eye patch on somebody while they're sleeping, you could fucking jack them.
You could steal all their, you know, all that.
They got orbital.
They got a lot of jewelry just fucking sometimes sitting in that orbital area.
And you fucking cop a couple of jewels out that bitch, earn you a wedding ring or something just because you snuck and lifted their little patch door.
So, I mean, eye patch used to be a lot more popular.
When I was young, you know, I think they probably had about 70 people had eye patches.
Now it's probably about 30 people.
So it's, you know, it's a real different time.
People's afraid to wear an eye patch because they don't have pirates and stuff anymore.
So it used to be you had an eye patch.
People are like, oh, it's kind of like a pirate.
Now it's just like, what?
You know, just get a glass eye or just cover one, you know.
Some of these people, they don't want to use eye patches because of the materials.
They say they're wasting materials by building a, um, by making an eye patch.
And people want to just, some people would even just, like real poor People, when I was young, they would paint their hand black and just put it over their eye to save money.
And I remember that.
But anyway, so I've been rocking the eye patch.
I came in here, just you know, a long night of fucking helping my neighbor find keys that don't exist in a subconscious.
And that's where I'm at.
That's where I'm at, man.
That's where I'm at with life.
So the Super Bowl happened.
You know, look, I'm happy for the Tom Brady.
I'm happy for the Tom Brady.
But also, you know, and look, I'm happy for the organization.
They won.
They won the game.
They beat, I mean, look, they beat my homes.
They beat the Rams.
They did it all.
So there's no discredit.
At a certain point, though, it's like you do want to see something different.
You want to see kind of a new experience than you've seen.
You know, I like to see a change up.
I like to see the underdog.
Now, I don't think there was an underdog in this game.
I think either one of those teams could have won that game.
But I like to see more of an underdog.
I like to see something just kind of different than we've seen of late.
But no shade to New England, man.
And no shade to Belichick.
That guy runs an organization.
You know, even if they play unfair, 10% unfair, everybody's trying to play unfair.
Everybody's trying to be sneaky.
Now, one of my favorite parts was when Goodell came out and everybody booed his ass.
I thought that that was great.
You know, that's really the part that got me.
But I only watched about probably 13 minutes of the game.
I was switching between that and an episode of Dateline called Into the Sand or something.
Dateline has the weirdest names for all their episodes, doesn't it?
You know, the missing arm of Brooklyn, you know, or Not Without My Daughters or Secrets in the Serengeti, or at the Bottom of a Lake.
It's always like a weird clue about where the body is, you know?
Oh, something's in the chimney.
It's always something like that.
You know?
Like, oh, bones in the baseball diamond.
And you're like, oh, wonder where the body is.
What else is happening, man?
I saw this wild news story.
It was about this guy, Jussie Smollett.
And all of these, and he was an empire actor who allegedly was attacked on the streets of Chicago.
And it just seems like a fake story.
And I think this guy is black and white, actually.
He is a, yeah, he's mixed.
He might be Middle Eastern.
I'm not sure what ethnicity he is.
I mean, he's at least part, I would say he has a little bit of an Arabian look, possibly, but he's either, he's like probably mixed.
But this shit just seems so fake, it's ridiculous, man.
You know, he was attacked.
They can't find any video footage.
They've looked apparently, and a lot of this is alleged.
They've looked at a lot of, you know, the police departments looked at a lot of different tapes and just from different areas.
He was at a subway.
It was below zero.
They threw bleach on him.
They threw bleach on him.
And they said that they yelled racial stuff and make America great again stuff.
It's just, and the thing that makes me most upset about this sort of deal is, look, I'm not surprised at anything that comes out of Hollywood.
You know, I don't believe half of these clans.
I don't believe half of what I hear out here.
But, you know, when you are, when there's already issues of race in America and there's already people that really are getting attacked by different ethnicities because of their ethnicity, to do something like this is just too much.
And it's not fair.
It just really minimizes, well, it's just, first of all, it's taking advantage of something that's really severe, that's really selfish if you are using those things to gain acclaim for yourself.
Because a lot of, you know, a lot of trial and error has gone into like integration and segregation and racial, you know, just like, you know, America's slowly building its way out of, you know, the tough spot that it was in from slavery.
And, you know, when you have, you know, when you have somebody who's just kind of, it just minimizes all the, the, I feel like the advancement when you use these things for your own value to try and get ahead.
Now, I think, do I think something could have happened to this guy?
Yeah.
He could have fell out.
He could have fell down.
You know, I don't know how, they said he's throwing, somebody threw a liquid on him and it was like five, it was like five degrees or something.
So I don't know who's running around with a liquid chasing this young guy.
It just all sounds crazy.
And they put a noose on his neck.
Dude, I mean, I just, I mean, come on, man.
It just, at a certain point, if something seems too unbelievable, then, you know, it's just like, that's where it lands.
And so many black, you know, DD on the news, so many black YouTubers and news people have come out and said, this is ridiculous, man.
You know, so it's nice to see that people aren't just siding with their own race anymore.
That people are starting to say, okay, well, this seems fake on this and this seems fake on this.
And it doesn't matter who you are.
Because that's a place where I think, You know, that's a great place to be at because then we're all can be moving forward.
You know, we all can be, we're all judging each other based on what's going on right now.
And it's, I think, you know, and I feel sorry for this young man as to why he feels like he needs to do this.
If he's trying to, it just seemed too much.
And then he put out a video the other day, or somebody did, of him, he called himself the gay Tupac that he fought back.
And I don't know.
It just seems like somebody really taking advantage of, you know, a lot has gone into that, man.
A lot of people have sacrificed their lives.
A lot of people have, you know, done so much to get race relations into a good place.
And in a lot of America, they are.
The only place they're not really that great a lot of times is in the news.
You know, I hate the fact that the news always just focuses on, you know, just, you know, they'll find the one, you know, idiot redneck and they'll always focus on that guy, you know, or not redneck, but yeah, just some racist, you know, real perved out dude.
He's out there jerking off on little, you know, black statues in his yard or something.
And they find that dude.
And it's like, man, that's the, there's so few of that dude left.
I wish they would sometimes focus on people who, you know, were, that they wouldn't focus on that.
But this just seems like, I don't know, it just wasn't cool, man.
It's just not a cool thing to do.
There's other ways to increase your, you know, your visibility.
And something could have happened to this man.
I think he could have, you know, an icicle could have hit him.
Maybe a hard, you know, it was snow and a couple hard snowflakes could have taken this dude down.
I mean, he just copped a subway sandwich, they said.
And I don't know if it was that meatball hitter or what it was, but, you know, I mean, it could have been a turkey ad turkey.
Now, if he's at Jimmy John's, I could see somebody jumping his ass for a Jimmy John, bro.
Those bitches are good.
But ain't nobody fucking beating your ass in the middle of the night randomly, like they tracked you there.
Nobody's tracking your ass, daddy.
Nobody's ain't nobody beating nobody's ass for a subway sandwich.
Now, Jimmy John, boy, come out, son.
Fuck, even one of those, what's that other one, that weird one that's kind of out now?
Oh, Jersey Mike's, that shit.
Tastes like your cousin fucking spit on it at the end, but, you know, and the meat's a little wet, but even that, I could see somebody coming at your boy for that.
Maybe, you know, if they're real hungry.
But here's why I don't believe Jelly, but here's why I don't believe Jussie Smollette.
Because ain't nobody, nobody whooping nobody's ass in zero degree weather for a damn subway, bro.
You know that shit.
Ain't nobody trying to get nobody Subway Samuel John.
Now that Jimmy John, boy, somebody running around with a turkey tom with extra turkey, son, I'll fucking, you know, I'll set a tripwire on the sidewall for that dude.
You know, I'll fucking tase somebody for a damn, you know, for a full-length Jimmy John, boy.
I like them Jimmy John's.
You feel me?
I like that Jimmy John with them tomatoes and them fucking pickles on the lawn, baby.
You got me?
But come on, bro.
Get right, dude.
And don't use, you know, all of you to use something that is that powerful just for your own gain.
That's just fucked up, bro.
It's real selfish.
So I think they need to investigate this guy's ego.
Ain't nobody whooping nobody's ass for a damn subway, bud.
You know?
And the good thing is, is that this guy is multiracial, so everybody should be ashamed of this man behavior.
But then at the same time, we've all done shit.
So, you know, I can understand how your ego can get out of control when you could do things, but this is a little bit much when you're using things like that that are that important.
Because what if somebody now goes on the street and they go attack somebody because you did this?
They get, you know, some crazed empire fan or something.
And I never even heard of this guy.
So, and maybe he, maybe enough people hadn't heard of him, and that's why he's doing this in the first place.
But it's just, it's not nice, man.
And it's selfish.
That's what I think.
Now, I could be wrong, but, you know, and fuck, I could be wrong.
And if I am wrong, man, I'm, you know, I mean, I don't know this guy and he don't know me, but if I'm wrong, then, yeah, I'm sorry, but it just feels real fucking fake, bro.
Nobody beat nobody's ass for a damn subway.
Anyway, today's episode, I got to tell you, and I'll say this about Jussie Smollett.
He's got nice hair.
He has very nice hair, and hair is important.
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And everybody knows I've had that hair, you know, I've had some hair care done on me.
You know, I try and, I haven't washed my hair in about two weeks, though.
What else is going on, man?
I wanted to pop into a little bit more news.
We got the Super Bowl.
We got Justice Smollett.
What else?
I think that's about it, man.
You know, I think that's about it.
In my life, what's going on?
What's going on, man?
Oh, I'm thinking about getting a PS4.
And that's not a, some people think that's an inoculation.
It's not.
It's a vaccination.
It's a video gaming system.
And PS4, dude, they got everything.
I was in the basement of the comedy store the other day and they have an area down there where you can relax and play games.
And I didn't really know that was down there as much.
But, man, I sat there and played something, you know, big gunner or some shit where you're just shooting people on damn zombies.
Dude, and I fought zombies for like an hour.
And it was one of the most relaxing things that I've done in a long time.
I'll tell you this, man.
Pre-sale tickets for Boston.
There's another show we're adding in Medford because the Boston shows on Friday night have sold out.
So on the 6th, I believe the 7th of February, which is a Thursday, no, of March.
Sorry, the 7th of March.
So the 8th of March has sold out the 7th of March.
We are adding a show in Medford.
And those pre-sale tickets, those will go on sale Wednesday, this Wednesday.
And the pre-sale code is Boston.
And I'm excited, man.
I'm excited to get there.
Hopefully some of the Patriots fever will still be in the air.
Man, I will say this, man.
Nobody throws the ball to more white dudes than Tom Brady, bruh.
I mean, that guy should get a ring.
They should give a ring at the end of the season for whoever can complete the ball to a white dude.
With that many, you know, really active black men out there.
That shit is challenging as fuck, dude.
Dude, yeah, it's very challenging.
So ain't no bones about that shit, man.
So he should get that.
He fucking completed like 13 passes to the little white guy.
That little dude, I thought that guy, you know, that dude, who knows, bruh?
Sometime if he'd have, if I was that dude, the first time I caught one ball, I'd have run right off the field and sold that bitch on eBay.
But he's out there hustling.
So, but yeah, man, I've been tired, dude.
I've been dealing really well with my own stress.
I'm thinking about taking a week off around Valentine's and going on a retreat or something.
This weekend, I'll be in Columbus, though.
I do want to let you know that.
I also have, we're going to put New York tickets on sale soon.
Australia is coming up.
February 11th, those are going on sale.
So next week, I'll let you guys know what cities and where.
We got some new Rat King and Gang Gang shirts up on the store, theovon.com slash store.
And what else, dude?
Any other good news?
Oh, I went to the urgent care, and they had a couple ladies in there.
They were nice, and they got me some eye drops so my eye can get better.
I'll be at the San Jose Improv March 22nd and 23rd.
I'll be stand-up live Phoenix, Arizona, March 29th and 30th.
April 5th in Kansas City, and April 6th, April 26th and 27th in Palm Beach, Florida.
And then May 3rd and 4th at Carolines on Broadway in New York.
And that's it, man.
That's what's going on.
I want to thank everybody for your support.
We had a couple calls that came in.
Let's get to a few of those really quick.
The number as always to reach out to is 985-664-9503.
Yeah, man, it's tough.
I've been in this weird space where it's like I'm tired, but I also know I need to be active.
So it's like I'm not getting enough rest, but at the same time, I'm not taking care of myself enough.
Like on the other end of the spectrum, like keeping my blood going and just staying active.
So, you know, I've just been feeling like a lot of stress, man.
I've just been feeling, I think a lot of it's just fear.
You know, you know, things are going busier now and like it's just scary.
You know, it's like I used to, you know, and I talk about this a lot, but it's like, yeah, it's just scary.
You know, it's cool, but it's just a little bit scary.
You know, and then just dealing with other people.
Like even just little things.
Like I sent the other day, somebody said, hey, man, will you send a video to my friend for their birthday or something?
So I sent him a video and the parent, the friend was a fan or, you know, not a fan, but, you know, I don't really like that word that much, but just somebody who was interested in my humor.
And then the next day, they like put it on their Instagram.
It was just, but it was like a personal message kind of.
So I don't know.
Just little, just things where you're like, oh, okay.
Well, that's, you know, that's, you know, now do I got to be careful if I send somebody a personal message just that they're going to, I guess I don't have to.
I still can just be myself.
But yeah, just, I don't know, just kind of scary.
It's just a lot and it just feels kind of, you know, you know, I feel just nervous a little bit.
You know, I don't have a manager right now, so I just have an agent.
And I have enough work because we have these podcasts.
And I'm grateful I have the King and the Sting podcast now, which is, you know, we're learning as we go.
Dude, that podcast, I get in there and I feel like I get mean in there.
Like we're just fucking ripping everybody up.
But it's fun, dude.
It is fun.
I mean, Brendan is fun because, you know, he had me come over to his house to watch some of the Super Bowl and really we just talked about work and hung out.
But it was really cool.
It was really cool, man.
We had, you know, somebody in his family is Mexican.
And hell, it might be him.
And they made sopapillas.
And dang, bro.
I don't know if you ever had a sopapilla or not, dude, but fucking El Dia de los desayunos, bro.
I was full.
it was so good, man.
That shit.
It was so good, bro.
It's just like somebody just punching you in the face with a bunch of fucking good shit at once.
Punching you right in the mouth with it.
Anyway, that's what's going on in my life, man.
You know what else?
Oh, I was thinking about Mother Nature.
Dude, think about Mother Nature.
Imagine this.
Imagine you're driving down the road and you see a lady, right?
And she laying there.
She got them big tatas out, you know, them fucking big, you know, milky love seats just kind of leaning off each side of her chest, you know?
And she got animals all over her.
She got a little raccoon running out of her crotch, you know, she got a little, you know, some ants.
She got like an anthill on her leg.
You know, she got, you know, trees, you know, growing out of her shoulders.
And she got, you know, raspberry bushes just right up under her chin.
That's mother nature, bruh.
She got a fucking snake around her neck.
And the snake is eating little pieces of, you know, cucumbers.
That's mother nature.
Imagine you kind of roll one of her, you know, lift one of her titties up a little bit and they got a damn, you know, a couple of oysters and mussels under there.
And they got a little fox with a little hammer trying to beat those oysters open so he could have a little lunch snack.
That's mother nature, man.
Imagine she got fresh water just flowing between her breasts, you know.
And she got salt water just, you know, and brackish around the neck.
That's mother nature, man.
Imagine her hair just made out of just long vines, you know, just getting all out of wild flying out of her head.
Imagine that.
And her eyes, they made out of quartzite and gold and fool's gold and shale.
That's Mother Nature.
I mean, imagine you pull up and see that bad bench on the side of the road.
Would you, you know, would you try to fuck you think or chill, man?
That's the question, bruh.
I would chill.
I would chill, man.
I ain't trying to be like that.
I'm not trying to be sexual with mother nature, man.
I'm not like that.
That's crazy.
That's absolutely crazy, man.
So you need to get your mind out of the gutter.
Oh, today's a wild episode, man.
I don't even know if I fully woke up.
You know, it's hard to wake up when you've been fucking looking for somebody's keys all night.
Assholes.
Okay, let's say a couple of calls.
As always, the hotline is 985-664-9503.
I'll say this, man.
So we're doing the man up, you know, the episodes now in real time out there.
And we got to really have, I mean, two great experiences with some young men this weekend or the last week.
It was awesome.
You know, it's so funny.
Like, I've just constantly reminded, and this is one thing I really should be really grateful for, is that for somehow in my life, I'm constantly reminded of the joy that comes when we spend time with others.
When we really give of our own time to just let somebody know that we care, even just by being there.
Instead of just saying, I care, or this or that, or liking their thing on Instagrams.
If we say, hey, you know, just be there.
Be there with them.
Be there to listen.
You know, I was talking to one of the young men we were working with, and he reminded me of so many things.
You know, it was a young man.
He's struggling with, you know, his father passed away when he was young.
And it really, I think, and he's, you know, he still, he lives with his mother still.
And, you know, he hasn't really kind of grown up.
He's about 30 now.
And I, and it just, you know, and my father passed away when I was young.
And so I could relate, I could understand some of that.
It reminded me of some of that.
And actually, you know, it really, it taught me about some of the, you know, moments that I'd never really, you know, I was so oblivious to the world, I think, when my dad passed away that I didn't really, I wasn't able to really get a view of how I reacted to it or what it meant to me or what was going on or how I behaved or anything.
But by talking with this young guy and seeing what was going on with him, I was able to kind of get a vision of what that can be like sometimes for a young man.
And then I was like, oh, wow, well, I started thinking, and this may not be right, but I started thinking and feeling like, oh, one of the reasons that, you know, possibly one of the reasons that this young man doesn't want to move out and doesn't want to grow up is because his dad is gone.
It's like, it's kind of like we don't want to, if the person who, you know, who we care about the most or one of the people that we want to see us grow up the most isn't there, then sometimes we just will stop evolving.
We'll stop.
We won't grow up.
And it's just that that way it's like, fuck, it's like saying, fuck you to the world.
It's like saying, oh, you're going to take my dad away.
You're not going to let the person that I care about the most be here to see me grow up.
Then fuck you.
I'm not growing up.
And it's like the only thing we can do because, you know, there's no other way to get back at time or to get back at the world than by our own actions, really.
And so we just stay where we are.
We say, okay, time, you're going to keep going on, but I'm going to stay right where I am.
You're not going to get me.
I'm not flowing in your river.
You know, I'm not flowing forward.
I'm not evolving, You know, because the person I want to be here the most, you took them away.
Well, I'm going to stay right where I fucking am.
I'll show you, you know, this kind of invisible, I'll show you to the world, to the world that took away your parent or took away somebody you cared about.
But at a certain point, you just start to hurt yourself, you know.
At a certain point, it's like, you know, you're 30 or you're getting older and you're still at home.
And now it's like, you know, it's just, it's cumbersome on the young fella's mother and she's getting older and he needs to be able to contribute.
And I'm not airing his dirty laundry out there.
Like, I'm not even, I'm not ashamed of the guy.
I mean, this is just his life.
This is what's going on.
We're all just, you know, people that are trying.
But, but yeah, at a certain point, he owes it to the adult him to try and, you know, to try and get past it.
And I understand the young, you know, him wanting to stay young forever and stay right where he is.
And nobody else is, you know, if he stays living with his mom, then there's not really space for another man to come into the home.
And like, you know, it kind of like, it just, it's him just at a core level, just holding on to everything so much, you know, to what it was like when he was a kid.
But he owes it to an adult him sometimes to move on.
You know, because then the adult him has an experience, has a chance to live in the world and have an experience.
But it just, it made me think about a lot of things.
It made me think about, you know, how it made me think about what are ways that when things happen to me that I would then like try and control, that I would like then try and control the world so that I could show the world, you know, who's boss.
You know, like, oh, okay, world, you're going to, I don't know, I can't think of some kind of, but, but I could heavily relate to what this boy went, you know, in a way, like I could see, like, wow.
Sometimes if something happens to us, then we hold a grudge against the world and we can carry it out in ways that over time aren't really helpful to us anymore.
But it's so wild to see, like, you know, you see this boy trapped in this man's body and the man's body, the adult wants to move on.
But there's this boy just like holding on to like this, you know, this grudge, honestly, against the world.
And it's a fair grudge.
You know, the world took his father, but it's an unfair grudge in the sense that he's not being fair to himself now, you know, to the adult him that wants to really feel free to challenge the world and to take on the world.
And I also maybe don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
But thank you guys so much for your care and concern, for your calls, for helping make this podcast and the hotline into a freaking, you know, we're shooting an actual episode of a TV show that's goofy and funny and engaging and helpful.
Man, it's crazy.
You know, it's just like, even if it doesn't even get picked up by Comedy Central, I mean, who knows?
I mean, they've picked up some real clunkers over the years.
But I'm hopeful that it will, and I'm hopeful that we have a great experience over there.
Because I know that we have a good audience and we got a special kind of funny, and I'd love to see it maybe get embraced over there and have an opportunity.
But if not, it's already been a really great experience just being able to meet some just listeners of the podcast and be a part of their lives, even for just a couple of days.
You can go to ridgewallet.com slash Theo and use the code T-H-E-O at checkout for 10%.
That's code T-H-E-O for 10% off at ridgewallet.com.
If you're tired of carrying things in the back of your pocket and having that booty, that little booty hump, you know, a wallet, sometimes people will look at your pants and be like, oh, what happened?
Did that guy do a real, like a strong duty or something in his pocket?
And then try to hide money in it?
No, that's a wallet.
And it needs to evolve because times change.
And I ask you to change the times and get that new front pocket carry.
The Ridge wallet is a very, I got mine right here.
That Ridge wallet.
You hear this?
That ain't ASMR, baby.
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That's that Ridge hitter.
And it's that front pocket carry.
It minimizes all the stuff you're carrying around.
If you have a wallet with your birth certificate in it, you know, some scratch and sniff pictures of some old cock or something from junior high, get rid of that shit, bruh.
Carry around the things you need most and get that Ridge wallet.
It's that front pocket carry.
Let's take a couple of calls.
As always, the hotline, 985-664-9503.
Man, I wish I had me a piece of Grey Block Pizza right now.
Let's hit the hotline.
Hey, what's up, Theo?
This is Andrew from Alabama.
Hey, Andrew, thank you for calling.
And I have a sister-in-law that lives down in Alabama, and she has two boys, and they are beautiful kids.
And she's a really, really good woman.
Her name's Holly, and she's always been a nice, she's always been a special person I've had in my life.
And her boys are really good kids.
One of them has a birthday coming up.
Anyway, don't know why I told you all that.
Let's go.
Gang, gang.
Gang, gang.
I'm calling in because I don't even know how to begin, man.
You say often in your podcast about how you feel uncomfortable for a good majority of the time.
And I experienced that.
I relate to that, man.
You talk a lot about how most of your childhood was just you being uncomfortable and just anxious and constantly worried and afraid to believe in yourself and just dealing with a lot of self-doubt.
And, you know, I relate to that, man.
I get it because everything scares me to death, man.
It's like I don't have any confidence.
I don't have any kind of self-worth.
It's like I just, somebody tells me that they care about me or they love me or I get good at something.
And I'm just like, eh.
So my question is, how do you deal with that?
Like, how do you get over the the doubt and the fear and being uncomfortable?
I mean, and I've I've I've had a lot of people tell me, well, you should go talk to somebody, go see a therapist or something.
And it just, I feel like, and there's nothing wrong with that, but for me, I feel like I should be able to rise above those problems on my own.
But I don't have the slightest clue how.
And I was just wondering if you had any advice or any suggestions or some encouragement.
I love the show.
Keep doing what you're doing.
Gang Gang.
Gang Gang, brother.
And thank you for reaching out from Alabama.
And kudos to Nick Saban, man.
And he reminds me of Bill Belichick.
And I know that all Alabama isn't University of Roll Tide fans, but you may be an Auburn fan.
You may be a USA fan.
You may be a Mobile State.
But anyway, Nick Saban is amazing.
And Belichick and him remind me of each other.
I just said that because I was trying to relate to you in some way about football in Alabama.
But yeah, man, it's so funny while you're talking some of those things.
Man, you really reminded me of myself in some ways.
You know, just the uncomfortability.
You know, just never feeling like I just never felt like I just uncomfortable, man.
Just not a comfort, not a comfort in me.
And so then I would spend more time by myself after a while.
And because I knew then I would at least be, I wouldn't be displaying that uncomfort to others.
You know, and for me, it happened.
I think someone just didn't tell me when I was young what my feelings were and what I was feeling and that it was okay.
Even if when you're young, if you feel uncomfortable, somebody says, hey, if you're uncomfortable right now, it's okay.
Then that sets a whole different narrative in your head that now if I feel uncomfortable, oh, it's okay.
It's just something that's happening and I'll be fine.
Yeah, you could go see someone if you want to.
Man, my experience with therapy one-on-one has not been as helpful as 12-step programs have been.
So, you know, and I'll say this a lot of times.
I go to, you know, I'll go to different meetings and 12-step and AA meetings and that sort of thing because for me, I need a group experience.
I need to see others learn to help me learn in real time.
I need to see it all go on.
I need a strong proof.
And so that's where I get it.
And people say, you might say, well, I'm not an alcoholic.
I'm not on drugs.
That's fine.
Dude, I don't know if I'm an alcoholic or a drug addict.
I really don't.
But the program is so great.
I don't give a fuck if I am.
The program is so great.
I stay in because it's great.
Because there's so many benefits.
But it helped me with starting to realize that it just helped me with the way I related to myself.
And it helped me, man, I just, I felt more self-worth.
I felt less uncomfortable.
I felt more confident in the space that I was in.
It gave me an environment to shine emotionally.
That's what being in 12-step program helped me do.
And people will say, well, you can't drink anymore.
You can't do that.
I don't give a fuck, bruh.
My life has been great.
My life has been great.
There's a couple moments where I've wanted to drink, you know, or to do a big booty rail, you know.
Do that fucking ride that white lightning, bruh.
You know, let that electric eel just slither up into my fucking cranial boy, you know?
Start looking for the Lord.
But for the most point, I don't.
But I think that you can have a, you know, it's almost like the 12-step programs, they give me like a wading pool where I can learn humanity at a comfortable space before being back out in the deep end of regular life.
And when I get back out there, I'm doing, you know, I can doggy paddle now.
You know, I can swim a little.
Whereas before, I was just fighting the currents constantly and just, man, I just got to feel okay or I got to seem okay to others.
That was the biggest thing.
And you mentioned something about that.
Let's go back to that, man.
And I experienced that.
I relate to that, man.
You talk a lot about how most of your childhood was just you being uncomfortable and just anxious and constantly worried and afraid to believe in yourself and just dealing with a lot of self-doubt.
You know, I don't relate to that, man.
I get it because everything scares me to death, man.
It's like, I don't have any confidence.
I don't have any time.
Yeah, things scare me to death, man.
Recently, this weekend, I got so scared about, you know, getting older.
Man, it really just scared me.
God, I hated it.
And I had that moment where you think that everybody's going to be gone and you're going to be gone and all the people you love are going to be gone.
And man, it just really scared me.
So I'm glad to be here in this moment now where I'm not there, where I'm connecting with somebody.
And, you know, I'll say this.
I didn't believe that there was a different experience in the world than the one that I was having.
And then I tried some different things.
I tried the 12-step recovery.
I tried different stuff and I had a new experience.
Dude, you're talking to somebody.
I'm not the kind of dude.
I'm not buying all the snake oil.
I don't fucking, you know, I don't watch Storm Chasers.
You know what I'm saying, Daddy?
I mean, look, I fucking love looking for the rain, but, and I might watch, you know, if they had a show called Gravity Hunters, I might watch a couple episodes.
But I, you know, you know, I don't find myself to be very emotionally gullible.
But when I came into those environments, man, in these rooms, in these 12-step rooms, shit like that, dude, there was something different.
I had a different experience with the world as I knew it.
Bro, it shocked me.
And then I started to get over some of those things because I didn't care.
You know, you're uncomfortable in the world that you're in, but maybe your perception of the world that you're in isn't accurate.
And you needed somebody maybe when you were young to tell us.
You know, we need somebody when we're young to tell us we're okay.
To just, if we're scared, to recognize it.
You know, because when it and say, hey, it's okay if you're scared.
You know, I'm here for you.
Don't be scared.
I got you.
You know, everything's okay.
You can be scared if you want for a little bit, but you don't have to be scared forever.
You know, we need somebody to tell us those things when we're little.
And if we don't get them, then that fear just stays inside of us, I think, and just kind of just vibes up and down our spine just like a little light, you know, like electricity, like that, like them big semens in a lava lamp.
So, but those are things that work.
Therapy, you know, it's definitely been helpful, but it's been a longer, slower road.
I think group therapy could be something that would be really, really cool.
I like the experience of therapy in a setting with other people because a lot of times I can only learn when I see someone else have a moment where they learn and then it makes me learn about me.
You know, when I see somebody really have an emotional moment and they, you know, really have some feelings go off inside of them and man, and then I react to that.
It shows me, wow, you know, I do care about others.
I am having a real experience.
I don't think that was super helpful, but don't be too hard on yourself either.
But all those things can be solved in AA, I think, can be a good solution.
And you get new friends.
Man, this shit is fucking dope.
Let's take another call.
Here we go.
Yeah, what's up, Dale?
My name's Andrew from Northern California.
What's up, Andrew?
Thank you for calling, man.
Northern California.
And that's a beautiful area up there.
Beautiful, man.
Great place to get some fucking weed and get some clean water.
Let's go.
Figured I'd call in this weekend because this is one of those best worst weekend situations.
Last weekend, my dad died.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that, man.
I'm sorry to hear about that.
Homeward?
Figure I have to call now or it wouldn't apply anymore.
But basically a warning to all you listeners, something that you know about already, drug addiction.
But my father died at 54, 64 lung cancer.
Addicted all his life.
Cigarettes started when he was 12, but ended with mess, you know?
So, you know, that's a big problem for a lot of people in America.
And yeah, just shouting out.
Trying to spread the warning against the mission, but I know this is what the shit's about.
I live in the year.
So, gang gang.
Gang gang, brother.
I'm so sorry to hear that your father passed away, man.
I'm sorry, man.
You know, I can't really imagine.
You know, I can't imagine what that's like in a fresh take.
And addiction is powerful.
I think it's very kind of you to reference that.
You know, to reference that, you know, he, even though some of it was his own choice to smoke or to, you know, to do drugs, he has some choice in there.
But also when it comes to addiction, there's not, the ability to choose is very, very heavily weighted against you.
The ability to really have an influence on yourself once addiction has really got its grips on you.
And I think it's very kind of you to recognize that about your father instead of just pointing the finger.
You're kind of, you know, just saying, hey, you know, I know that a lot of this was addiction.
But I'm sorry, man.
You know, I'm really sorry that that happened.
I was just talking about this yesterday with somebody that I hate sometimes when you don't, when something happens that's real tough in someone's life that you don't know what to say.
Isn't that a bummer?
You know, you don't know how to, you know, you don't know what to say.
And it's not your responsibility to make somebody feel okay, but it's like you don't, you know, words can't really express or say what I want to say, I don't think.
I mean, I want to say something that makes you feel okay.
You know, I want to say something that makes you feel loved and cared about and something that, you know, reminds you that your father cared about you.
And something that, you know, I want to say something that makes you know with 100% reality that you will see your father again sometime.
But there's nothing really to say to do all that.
But I do believe that.
And I think it's sweet of you to share it with us.
And I bet your father was very proud of you.
You know, you sound like you're a young man that's very understanding.
And what strength it must take to be understanding of addiction in a moment when it's the very thing that took your father.
Man, that's pretty powerful.
I mean, that's almost, that's really unconditional love right there.
Because a lot of people would just say, oh, you know, they would just be angry at their dad.
Oh, fuck him.
Fuck him.
You know, he didn't take care of me.
He didn't do this.
And yeah, there could be a little bit of that.
But the fact that you're understanding enough to know that the power of addiction is this whole tug of war that's going on that's constantly, you know, really, really pulling away at people's ability to choose man i bet your dad was pretty i bet he marveled a lot at your ability to be understanding and your uh just to you know to recognize that even in a moment like this that's pretty powerful man but uh my thoughts will be with
you brother and uh and just take care of yourself you know um take care of yourself man addiction is uh it is hereditary as well uh love you man let's take another call here we go and yeah the cigarettes i know about it man man it and it kills your ability to relate to others because when i need a friend or when i need a god or when i need instead of that i go to a cigarette sometimes and
then it's whatever else i needed that was going to be very real in my life i don't get that i just get this little hit onward hey what's up theo it's uh nate from indiana dirty nate from indiana and i saw a tow truck hit an owl one time in indiana and that's true over there on i think 52 or 57 53 whatever it was going from my indianapolis to um bloomington
onward um i was just listening to one of your podcasts from january 8th and again you were talking about being scared in relationships and all that i understand man but he's saying you were talking about being scared in a relationship let's hear more you made some analogy about something to do with seeing a lake and someone telling you to swim well back in the day they just tossed your ass in the lake and you'll learn to swim and you're smart boys theo i
think i think you'll learn to swim if you give it a try all right love you man bye gang bro love you man um yeah i think you're right dude i think i have all these reservations sometimes about relationship and getting married and settling down and a lot of it is just fear and if i would just put myself into it i would probably manage i would probably manage okay you're probably right man um and i just hope i find some willingness to do
that you know because i really think i do want the outcomes of a of a life with someone else or a life with a family and being able to be a father and stuff like that but i appreciate you uh even thinking enough about it to give me a buzz about it onward what's up to you this is will down in fort myers florida what's up will fort myers dude great place to get sunburn and a fucking you know and
some fucking they got some brown tits down there let's hear more sunday evening i'm on the way home from watching that super bowl right now tombrady um and all i can think about is having a heater a damn cigarette on the way home oh yeah boy you want that fucking face hit her boy you know what i'm saying you want that onward um just looking for some words of encouragement man i'm on day 10 and
no cigarettes wow wow dude well you want some encouragement dude let me take you to right here bro here we go but ended here's your encouragement addicted all his life cigarettes started when he was 12 but ended with meth you know so there you go daddy cigarettes ended when he was started with cigarettes into meth
man that's a gateway drug you know cigarettes to meth what else you might go to fucking you know i say drywall a lot of people if they start hanging drywall doing construction it could be meth then how drywall is a gateway drug brother be careful out there okay you got 10 days let's hear more i'm just looking for some words of encouragement man i'm on day 10 and no cigarettes so i've been sucking down them swirly dope hitters like crazy uh anyways
man i know you've been dealing with that if i can get some uh help any suggestions i'd appreciate that and thanks again for everything you do man onward onward brother that's amazing man well you know look i it's i think it's warming you know to the gentleman whose father passed away that you're calling trying to fight it man because look the world will put a lot of shit out there that we can't fight you know they got pornography at such high definition we can't fight that you can't your senses can't at the dopamine you get hooked cigarette
you get hooked these companies want you hooked they don't want no freemasons out there don't want no free men out there you want to talk about a modern day slavery man i'll tell you what it is it's these corporations and their ability to hold us and to own us with their medicines and their and their elixirs and their fancy you know different types of fuckery bruh that's what's happening we're getting held down by these corps and we got to stay strong
and i don't know if you're still on day 11 now but if you are good luck and if you aren't man then i'm sorry but you can start over you know i just set up an appointment with my doctor to possibly get chantics you know i'm doing good with the cigarettes but i'm not done you know i think i'm honestly man i've been thinking about it even during this this taping and i don't want to do it because i don't like the way it makes me feel it makes me agitated and it makes me agitated towards others it makes me feel uncomfortable it makes me
feel ashamed of myself and it makes me feel like i'm not going to have the future that i want because i'm not going to be alive to share it but at the same time if you're out there smoking man fucking i'm sorry bro i mean to get in all of this because i ain't trying to ruin your vibe but if you're wanting to quit i am trying to support your vibe but if you're enjoying them and you don't you know then you go enjoy them gang gang man let's take a call hey this is jay edison um i'm going to your columbus show and
um i wanted to nominate a single mom oh well thanks jay edison man i appreciate that uh yes i would love to uh to do something special with a single mom this weekend in columbus tell me more bro um off your podcast you were talking about her name's kira draback she used to live with me and my wife last year um has a two-year-old baby girl and i know she could use a night out uh Phone number for
me is five.
Okay, we'll keep your phone number out of it.
Thank you.
Bye.
All right, man.
Thank you.
We will reach out to her.
That's very nice of you.
And that's sweet that she's got a two-year-old girl.
It sounds like you and your wife try to be of service.
And, you know, I was thinking a lot about that, man, that I want to have a child and, you know, and I would like to adopt some children as well.
You know, if God blesses me, you know, or my higher power blesses me with, you know, with enough money to have a household in an environment where I have enough space to have extra children, then I really would consider it.
You know, I think I would want to take some more classes and stuff on parenting and learn about that kind of stuff more.
But, you know, I watched my brother be a parent and my sister, and I know that, you know, we have it in our genes to be able to do it.
And, you know, I just want to be able to have a, you know, have that be part of my life when I'm ready to, you know, when I'm ready to grow up fully.
And that's the funny thing that I remembered about that kid that he reminded me of, that we shot the episode with, is that, man, I want to stay sometimes too, man.
You know, I don't want to let that little kid inside of me, I don't want to let him grow up without all the things that he wanted because they're not there.
But at a certain point, that kid, that time is gone.
And the best thing I can do for that kid is let him become an adult.
Let's take one more call here.
And thank you.
We'll reach out to that single mom.
That's a great idea.
And I look forward to meeting this young lady if it works out.
Onward.
What's up, CO?
This is Blake Cretan.
I don't know if I'm supposed to say my name.
What's up, man?
I'm from Covington, Louisiana.
Oh, Covington, Louisiana.
And that's my town.
That's where I grew up in over there.
And I grew up there off of Lee Road out there, you know, and right off of McGee Street over there as well.
And so I spent some good time out there in Covington, Louisiana.
And this boy's name is Blake.
Onward?
You know, my brother, I'm not sure he'd be lying sometimes.
But look, I just want to thank you, first off, for being from my hometown and not being a piece of shit.
I think that's super cool.
Anyway, my question is, thank you.
That's nice of you to say, man.
I mean, I think I probably am a piece of shit, but it's nice that you haven't recognized it yet.
But no, I was fortunate to grow up in a place like that.
There was a lot of, you know, Covington has a lot of history and folklore and, you know, and a lot of good people, man.
I mean, there was a lot of good people.
And I enjoyed it, man.
And it was, you know, it was fun, man.
I had fun and I got to, you know, it was scary, but it was fun.
But it helped me, you know, it was where I started out, and I'm grateful.
Onward.
We've got a wife from Europe.
We're about to have a baby boy in July.
Okay, you have a wife from Europe, and you're about to have a baby boy in July.
And on the table is his foreskin.
What did you just say?
On the table?
On the table is his foreskin.
And the hot debate is chop it or not.
Oh, I thought you meant it was on the damn table, dude.
I thought you had that shit laid out on the fucking table like a damn appetizer.
Phew.
I was like, I think this about to report this young fella.
Which wouldn't surprise me short out of Covington, Louisiana, if people sitting around having a couple of, you know, a little fucking circumcision on a cracker.
Let's hear more.
So it's a hot topic of debate.
Your wife's from Europe.
I'm in favor because like father likes son.
Wondering if you could weigh in on this.
Also, tell Brendan Schwab to quit wearing tight paint.
Let's just be all right.
Yeah, I will tell Brandon Schauer's that.
And this is the deal, brother.
This is where we are with this.
Circumcision.
Get it done, man.
You can't be running around with extra dick if you ain't got the dick to back it up.
You know, you see these things, these people, they got extra dick meat at the end, or, you know, they got a little, they got that, they turtlenecking out there.
That dick look like a long sleeve, you know, like a wizard or something.
You can't do that shit.
It look like their dick is like looking for something.
You can't do that shit.
Because then you pull the thing back, you still got a regular amount of dick on the inside.
So you fronting with big dick and you showing up with mid-medium dick.
I don't want to just show up with medium dick.
Front with medium dick and show up with medium dick.
You know, people want to, they want to throw it out that long neck, you know?
But then, you know, you pull all the skin back and all you got that little critter.
Just show up with a regular critter.
So I say cut it off, man, but save it.
Dude, a lot of that shit has stem cells in it now.
Dude, you drink a couple of those, bitches, bruh?
A little bit of J-Mo and some fucking stem cells off your baby boy's fucking chirp rod?
Sing, man.
No, you'll be next level, baby.
Watch your fucking eyebrows grow in thicker, son.
I think you got a real chance to fucking meet the Lord like that.
So I said, you got a chirp.
Dude, you can't have that boy with that long neck, you know.
Somebody dick got a long neck on it.
Get the fuck out of here.
Dick looks like it's in the dang the Shriners Club or something like it's got one of them hats on it.
And them things, people, they do tricks with them and stuff.
People put coins in there.
They got a dude on the internet.
He put a whole, you know, like a roll of quarters.
He did all of that in his extra wiener skin.
Man, we're better than that, man.
So I say clip that thing out.
Feed it to a bird or something if you have to.
Give it back to Mother Nature.
But if not, man, just at least save it.
Put, you know, freeze that bad boy.
Freeze that bad boy up.
I want to thank everybody that came out and listened this week.
You know, I'm still trying to catch up on some rest.
We're shooting the rest of the pilot.
But I'm grateful for you guys.
I appreciate y'all being here and dealing with me.
And, you know, the past couple months have been a little stressful because I've been tired, but trying to manage a little bit better.
And what else, man?
Just thank you so much.
You know, I don't even know what to say right now.
And I don't have to say anything.
And I don't know what you need to hear, but, you know, to the guy you're feeling uncomfortable a lot of times, it's okay, bro.
You know, but don't, but be brave enough to try something new so you can maybe have a new experience.
That's the only thing.
And also, don't be ashamed of the way that you are.
You know, sometimes we take words and we say it's one thing, but really we're, you know, if you feel uncomfortable, you might just be more emotionally aware than other people.
And when we're more emotionally aware, we're going to notice more things going on inside of us than other people who aren't.
So some of the things that seem like burdens could really be blessings.
Because once you, you know, if there's a way to realize and put that emotional awareness to use, you know, with raising your own kids and you're going to say things to them that your parents wouldn't have said to you because you interact with the world differently.
And you're going to tell your kid, hey, everything, you are okay right now, you know, and everything's okay.
And you can feel this way, but for a little bit, but you can also feel this way and feel proud of yourself and feel, you know, nobody's judging, you know, there's things you're going to be able to tell because your awareness of the world is going to be different.
So you're going to share a different experience with your son or your daughter.
So those are cool gifts, man.
But yeah, man, it's a great time to be alive.
This is it.
This is our life.
This is our life.
And if it's not going great, it could be going better.
You know, but we have to be willing to make some adjustments.
And sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not, man.
But, you know, God bless you to the young man whose father passed away.
Gang, gang to the gentleman who's still going on.
He's got 11 days today on no cigarettes.
Yeah, sometimes you got to get in the lake and swim.
We'll see that single mom in Columbus.
I think we'll be able to work that out and clip off that wiener meat, bro.
David ain't nobody, you know.
And you'll get more pink eye too like that, I heard.
And you know I'm against that right now because I'm fucking low-key been rocking that shit.
Gang, gang, man, you guys be good to yourselves.
I hope that you deserve it.
I bet you do.
Celebrate living.
Celebrate misery.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Celebrate dark days.
Celebrate all your pain.
All of your demons exercise.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Suiar.
Is it deal?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
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