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Today's episode, I'm joined by an old friend.
He and I spent countless hours barbing each other on the Opie and Jim Norton podcast on SiriusXM over about a year and a half period.
He's one of the funniest young men that I know.
He's a father.
He's a father of a multiracial child.
And he's a beautiful man and he's doing unique things.
And I'm so happy to have him here with me today in studio.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Chris DeStefano.
Let my stuff on my eyes.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Wow.
Yeah.
Long time no see.
What up, baby?
What up, man?
Yeah, cuz.
Dude, that's crazy.
You look beautiful, though.
You got all blue on?
Do you wear blue a lot?
No, I um normally I've been wearing sweatpants a lot, but you know, I'm flying home today.
So when I go back to New York, you know, you can't come off the plane in sweats like that.
Really?
You know?
I mean, I guess you could, but I just feel like, you know, I don't know, I'm going home and then I got to go right to see my family.
Do you dress nice when you fly?
Do you dress?
Plus, I got a little penis.
You know that.
I've never seen your penis, dude.
What?
I've never sent you my dick?
I've never seen that one that when I put the team.
I got one.
I thought I sent you one.
I'm trying to stay off porn.
I'm 43 days right now.
I got one where I send it out as my dick, but it's actually just a television remote in my sweatpants, but it looks like I have a fucking hog.
And when girls ask for a dick pic, that's what I send out.
And they think I have the biggest dick ever.
And then when we finally do get to sex, I got to turn all the lights off and get them as wet as possible.
Suddenly it's the Apple TV remote.
Suddenly you got.
Yeah, because you think it's Files on Apple TV.
What is this little?
Do you want to say?
No, you're not.
Okay, all right.
Because it looks like a, I mean, it looks like a hammer.
Really?
Yeah, dude.
Like, what kind of a, you said, like, a small hammer?
It looks like a, well, it's just, it's just a thick, it's a television remote in gray sweatpants, but it looks like my dick.
Right.
It's easily put, and I've sent it around.
Do you send it to women?
I send it.
Well, if they ask me, I send it to women, and then I send it to my boys.
My boys have it, so there's a circulation.
That's my cruise dick pick.
I do not want to be one of your boys then because I'm trying to make it to 44 days of no pornography.
I'm not losing my streak because you want to send me.
Now, what's the thought process on that?
Why no porno?
I don't like it, man.
It's just too...
So some of that's my own thing.
Make me feel bad.
But then secondarily, I don't like, you know, honestly, just spraying out of my own sink.
You know, it's just at a certain age, when you're young, it's fun.
It's cool.
It's exciting.
You're like, oh, how much of this is in my body?
Yeah.
But you get older.
Yeah.
Like, oh, I'm still doing this.
I still don't have any groceries.
You know, it's like, listen, as you get older, right?
You only have a finite amount of energy each day.
I can't be using, and a lot of that energy is in your boss.
A lot of, a lot of, you know, sperm is energy.
Yeah.
So it's like, you can't, like you said, be spraying it out unnecessarily when there's shit you got to do.
Like I'm somebody's dad.
Right.
So it's like, I can't jerk off into my belly button anymore.
You know what I mean?
That's just shit I can't do anymore because I got a kid to feed.
So it's like the energy that I have has to be, you know, making sure her homework's done, watching her cartoons, getting on my career right, going to the gym.
I can't be on Pornhub, you know, just whacking off into my belly button.
Wow, that's, I never thought about that.
Yeah, if you're a dad, it must feel weird to jerk off then, does it?
Especially being a dad to a little girl, it's like, you know, I just when I'm when I'm when, you know, I mean, there's still times I'm just sitting alone and I flick around my piece a little bit and just, you know, whatever.
If, you know, if a little glue comes out, a little glue comes out.
But it's one of those things where it's like, I'm not actively looking to jerk off.
Now I only jerk off.
Like I've been out in LA for four days in a hotel room.
So it's like, that's usually, that's usually when you pound your nuts the most.
And I haven't jerked off once.
Are you serious?
Not one time, man.
And it hasn't been like, it hasn't been a proactive, I'm not doing this.
It's just been like, I've been tired.
You know, I'll FaceTime my daughter.
And it's like, you know, when you're FaceTiming a three-year-old, like, you don't jerk off for a couple of days, man.
Man, God.
You can't, bro.
Yeah.
You can't.
I should start doing that then.
I should start.
You'd be a great father, man.
Really, you think?
I think you should.
I think you should do it.
I really think you should do it.
Now, Woody, now you're out of wedlock.
You have a child out of wedlock.
I have a child out of wedlock, unfortunately.
And is that good or bad?
For me personally, I think it's good.
And the kid doesn't like you.
I've seen it on Instagram.
The kid does not like me.
My daughter does not like me.
She doesn't think I got my special.
Because I got it already.
And I played it for her.
And for 45 minutes, she stared at the TV.
She just didn't.
She didn't laugh once.
She didn't even play with her doll.
She didn't walk away.
She just looked emotionless at the TV.
I'll post that video when the special comes out.
Emotionless at the TV for about 45 minutes and then asked for some hamburger helper.
That's what it was.
She does honestly sound like my kind of lady.
She stares blankly at the TV and then devours a little bit of hamburger helper.
Yeah, she wanted.
She's like, Daddy, can we get some hamburger helper?
Definitely a date that I could do.
Yeah.
But I've seen her on your Instagram for she never likes you.
You take her to school.
I do everything.
I can't be any more involved of a father than I am.
And she's a child.
How old is she?
She's three and a half years old.
And so she's half Puerto Rican, half Italian.
And her mom is a great lady.
Her mom's a great lady.
I love and supporting.
Don't give her any matches, bro.
She fucking burned that shit.
Burn that shit out.
I love and support her mom.
It just didn't work out with us romantically.
But we're very good co-parents.
And I think, you know, when you asked me before, I think it's better to have my child raised around actual, real love and two people that really love her, as opposed to seeing two people who are like being half shells of themselves because they don't really love each other.
It's so funny you say that, man.
I was just texting.
I'd been seeing this gal and we separated.
And then we were just texting yesterday and it was like, you know, maybe sometime we would just have a child, you know?
You should do it.
Just to like, because I know that she would be a loving parent.
Like, that's the thing.
I remember years ago, I remember I made a deal, though, with a girl, and it was like, hey, if by 30, we don't have any kids, we're going to have a kid.
And then I remember like 30, like the night I turned 30, like 12.01 a.m., I get a text and she's like, what's up?
She remembered.
Yeah.
And I was like, ah, you know.
You know what I feel like having a child has done for me big time is she saves me.
My daughter saves me in many ways from like the tough things that we go through in our career.
Like if we don't, if we go out for an audition and don't get something or we have a pilot doesn't get picked up, I don't wallow in my sorrows.
I don't drink.
I don't commiserate with my boys.
I don't say, fuck them, fuck that.
It's like that energy, I'm sad for a few minutes about it, but my daughter saves me in a sense like she doesn't care.
Like when I had a pilot with CBS and it didn't get picked up, and I found it.
And I auditioned for that pilot.
Yeah, I remember.
And I didn't get in it.
And he didn't.
Well, thank God you didn't get in it because now it's in the fucking toilet.
Yeah, it's all Les Moonvez's fault.
Oh, God.
Didn't he get busted for TBS?
He got busted for myself.
Yeah, and it's like, you know what, man, if you would have picked up my show, you would have had the protection of the Stefano family in this recent troubles, but now you're out on your own, player.
Yeah, he was out there.
Yeah.
So, so, you know, when that shit happened, I remember I told her, she was two at the time, and I was like, because it was like my whole world came down.
It was like, oh, I'm sorry, you know, daddy's thing that he was doing out there didn't get picked up.
And, you know, apologizing to her, which was silly.
You know, I didn't, but all she said was, you know, at the end, she let me finish.
She was like, let's watch Mickey Mouse.
And then, so she was hearing me and, you know, didn't, she's two years old.
So like, she has nothing to respond to.
She was like, look, basically what I got from that is like, she was like, you're my dad.
I don't care what you're doing.
If you're here, I want to watch Mickey Mouse with you.
Like, that's what's important to me.
So don't apologize to me for not getting a TV show on the air.
Like, I don't care.
And I feel like biologically, my daughter saves me from that.
And it also helps me with conserving my energy.
Like, I don't give energy to stuff that's silly, like going back and forth in a text fight or an Instagram fight or, like I said, wallowing in my sorrows.
It's like, I can't, man.
I got to give my energy to raise my daughter.
So biologically, I think a child has saved me.
Because at first, my peers were like, when all the shit first happened, like, you're dumb, man.
I wouldn't have that baby.
And it's all of a sudden has enhanced my career.
Wow.
All it's done is enhance anything that I've gotten.
I own a home now.
Oh, you look nice.
You used to wear hockey jerseys.
Dude, I used to wear fucking hockey jerseys.
Bro, remember when we used to fight on Opie?
You ever seen those fights on Opie?
When he said I looked Dutch, and then I told him I looked like Eileen Wernos, the first female serial killer?
I was actually looking at the comments on the YouTube.
It was a successful female serial killer, too.
I was looking at the comments once.
Oh, my God, dude.
I was getting fucking crushed by your fans.
They hated me, bro.
Hated me.
Did they?
Oh, my God.
They were like, this fucking bum.
Bro, you literally won that fight.
That's a skinhead that's afraid to go all the way, bro.
I'm talking about, like, if you look at the first 100 comments, 80, 95 of them are like Theo Rocks.
And then five of them are like, Chris is good, but he still sounds deaf.
You said, I look like a deaf guy that goes to the gym.
Oh, dude, you look.
Hilarious, bro.
You look like a deaf leper.
Yeah, now everybody else, now Opie and Carl and Sherrod are all dead.
Oh, you look like the strongest deaf person ever.
That's what I'm saying.
Dude, if you were real, real quiet and entered a contest with the strongest deaf person, you would win.
But here's the problem.
You would fuck it up, brother.
Fuck it up.
You'd want to tell a joke.
And then your hair, I remember you didn't have a hat on.
I said, your hair looked like the Michigan State Spartan helmet.
And then I remember that.
And then you told me.
And then you know what you said to me that was so fucking funny?
You said, dude, if you could meet yourself, you would hate it.
Right there up.
Yeah.
Dude, that was epic shit.
That was a dope fight.
Damn, I do look like that.
Fuck you.
No, not anymore.
Not anymore.
You fine now, son.
You're fine, girl.
Really?
Girl.
Your whole career is fucking blown up.
You got a real career now, man.
You go out there, you sell tickets.
You're not playing bananas in New Jersey to 10 people like me.
Oh, they, yeah.
Well, I went over there and played it by the railroad track.
Yeah.
There was a fire on a train while I was on stage.
I believe you, man.
Half of the people.
What's it like now when you go to a place and the tickets are sold?
It's got to be a great feeling at this point, right?
Yeah, I guess it.
I mean, it definitely is.
It is different.
You know what's funny?
It's like you can't, you almost forget what it was like when it wasn't.
Interesting.
And you just almost forget about it quick, and you also get nervous that like, you know, I feel more pressure now to make jokes.
Right.
Whereas before I just felt a pressure to be myself.
Right.
But now it's like they want to be funny.
They pay good money to see you.
Right.
And now I feel a little bit of that all the time.
And some of it I don't like.
And so I'm trying to find ways in my own life to get back into a place where I just feel like that pressure isn't there.
You know, even in like a day, even in like a day-to-day basis, you know, like, I mean, Nick's done so much to help our podcast grow and like Instagram.
And, you know, he really championed a lot of different ideas.
And, you know, so it's been.
Everything you guys got is professional as part of the cameras, you know, the content.
It's all like, it's like podcasting is a business now.
It's almost like for our friends who don't have podcasts, like, and who still think like doing a late night set matters, it's like that shit is so 20. It's 2019.
The only way to get ahead is to like, you know, having somebody out here like a Joe Rogan, like, you know, all you guys, you know, like, that's like being on the tonight show.
Like, you guys, so like, you know, Johnny Carson was like the guy, and then like all the comedians we've ever heard of, Seinfeld, Ray Romano, all these guys who blew up and became icons did so through Carson.
And now I feel like it's Joe Rogan.
It's like now you got, you know, you, Burt Kreischer, Tom Segura, all these guys that are selling more tickets than anybody.
What's the common theme?
You know, you guys all, you know, crushed it when you came on Rogan.
You all crushed it.
And then, because it's one thing, it's like comedians could go on big podcasts and not do well, and then nothing happens.
So it's like one of those things: you guys were all great, and then you guys all went on the episodes and crushed.
So it's like now his fans become your fans, but now it's not even, now it's your fans.
So now it's like when you go, yeah, maybe the first time they heard of you was through this guy or through that.
Everybody needs a godfather.
But now it's like, yo, you've converted real fans.
And I think the only way that we can do that now in 2019 is through podcasting.
So when I came out here to promote my special, I was like, man, I want to do Bert and I want to do Theo.
I would love to have done Rogan, but it's not possible right now for me.
I get, I got to get to the next level.
But I was like, that's more important to me than doing any late night shit.
Like the late night bookers were like, oh, you know, because it's so PC now.
They're like, oh, I had jokes about my daughter being Puerto Rican.
And, you know, and they were on my Comedy Central special because one thing I'll say about Comedy Central is they're about the comedian first.
That's why it's dope.
That's why like specials that come out on Comedy Central are dope because the executives there are not scared.
They're like, no, no, no, this is the name comedy is in our network.
So if you think that shit's funny, even if it's crossing the line and whatever, then we'll stand by you and we'll protect you.
So that part of it is some of Ron Funch's clips and his just did really well.
And I've seen some of his clips where he called his son the N-word.
Yeah, man.
And I respect it.
It was just like, it was so funny.
Yeah, dude.
But for them to be willing to also put that out.
And I just saw one of yours too, actually.
They started putting clips of yours.
They started putting clips of mine up now.
I just saw one yesterday.
So I have a clip.
Actually, one of the clips I put up is me impersonating my daughter.
Can we play it or not?
Yeah, sure.
I don't care.
Will we get in trouble for playing that, Nick?
Well, where is it posted?
It's on my Instagram.
Okay, yeah, that'll be fine.
And his daughter's Puerto Rican, dude.
Yeah, my Puerto Rican.
Oh, well, actually, the clip that is on my Instagram, I'm going to post a daughter one tomorrow.
The clip that's on my.
Build that crib, you know what I'm saying?
Yeah, baby.
Let's fucking get these kids locked up.
They said I couldn't do it on late night.
Well, I could do those jokes, but I couldn't impersonate and put on a Puerto Rican accent because I'm not Puerto Rican.
Oh, my God.
That's such bullshit.
Like, it's my daughter.
You know what I mean?
It's my kid.
It's your kid.
And you know what's funny is they'll let anybody get on there and impersonate like somebody from the South or somebody from the Midwest.
Yeah.
Or somebody who they think is uneducated.
As long as the uneducated person isn't black or mixed.
But if it's like they're white and uneducated, then it's fine.
But the thing is, the people that own all these networks, they're fucking white.
Yeah.
But that's why like what you have, like the type of success you have and the way that you're selling tickets now is so powerful because you could, not that you're a scandalous dude.
Do you still finger women?
Do you still get paid to finger women?
Okay, so you're not a scandalous dude.
And it's like, even if you said something that was out of bounds unintentionally, your fans are still going to be there, man.
You're still going to go to wherever place and sell out that theater.
Where some of these dudes are comedian friends who are tied up with these on these networks, like they say one shit, their fucking career is done.
You know, everything will be taken away from them.
But you got real fans that fuck with you.
And you could say whatever you want to them because they're like, and that's what I want.
And that's what you guys have out here.
And that's what I'm going after.
Like, I got a podcast called The History Hyenas.
Yeah, and it's you and Giannis Papas.
Me and Giannis Papas.
And we go fucking wild on that podcast.
And he's, where's he from?
He's Greek, isn't he?
He's Greek, yeah.
We go wild, and our fans, you know, they're not as powerful and big as your guys' fan base is yet, but it's like, you know, we're trying to get there, man.
We just, it's unfiltered shit.
We're talking about history, but we're being honest about shit, you know?
So it's dope.
You certainly deserve it, man.
You and Andrew Schultz are two like the funniest guys that always think about all the shit.
Schultz is, Schultz's got a career that's like you, man.
Schultz, wherever he goes, he sells out and he put his shit on.
Every network's to know to Schultz.
Everybody's to know this hour special.
Every single network.
Yeah, they said he was like a male show.
I heard all kinds of whatever bullshit they said.
But he was the best comedian I saw when I was in New York.
Now he's got millions and millions and millions of views.
And what does that translate to?
Ticket sales.
So it's like, you know, you got to have this mindset where it's like the fit, we got the fans give us power.
Like we, and we have, the fans have direct access to us, and we have direct access to them.
It wasn't like that in the 90s.
It's like, you know what I mean?
Like Jerry Seinfeld could only be Seinfeld with one show on NBC.
And there was only one big show.
There was a few networks.
It's like now with this oversaturation, it's like, man, you could walk past the theater that you have sold out and people may not even recognize you because they're sold out with your specific fans.
Whereas back in the day, it's like to be like a big, you know, if a guy who's selling out theater tickets, he would not be able to get through the airport without having to take a thousand autographs.
But shit's different now.
Like John Wayne or something.
It's like.
Who else?
Fucking Marilyn Monroe.
No, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
I'm talking about an entertainer, though.
Maybe John Newton.
That's who I'm thinking of.
John Newton.
Let's play the clip real quick.
I fucking hate myself.
Not Olivia Newton.
I hate myself.
This is about my baby mama.
Is it?
Let's see.
You date a Puerto Rican girl.
You need to have the answers quick.
You need to have facts right away because they will interrogate you.
And if you don't have the answers quick, you look like a liar.
And they watch men.
They are designed to watch men.
Watching, waiting.
That's what they do.
They make excellent NFL referees.
I think if you had Puerto Rican girls refing the games, you'd have zero missed calls the whole season because they see everything.
Could you imagine they were the refs?
They would be right there like, um, you out of bounds, stupid.
No.
No.
I mean, did you just look at you out of bounds?
Yeah.
I don't need instant replay.
I instantly saw you step out of bounds.
So, no.
I mean, I don't even know the rules.
Just go home.
Bye.
You out of me.
Yeah.
And they told me I can't do that shit on late night because I'm impersonating Puerto Ricans.
How wild is that?
We live in a fucking Twilight Zone kind of world, man.
But it's just something that's eating itself.
Like that, all that stuff, it's like, dude, I remember for years, you know, they said, well, you can't do comedy because you were on a reality television show.
And then they said, well, you, you know, then they'll say, oh, well, you know, we don't need a Southern guy.
We don't need this.
And there was even no opportunities.
There's no shows even.
And I'm not even a, I mean, I'm from the South, but I don't like.
You're not like a Larry the Cable guy Southern comedian.
Yeah, I don't identify with, I mean, I identify just with like, I mean, if anything, I identify With somebody who doesn't feel like they are valued.
Right.
And that could be anyone.
That could be anyone.
There you go.
Yeah.
See, yeah.
And I feel like my comedy is for anyone who, you know, is kind of like misinterpreted, where like you would look at me and think I'm going to talk about, you know, whatever, football and sports and banging chicks, but I'm really just talking about anxiety.
Banging chicks and Nutella.
Let's be honest, banging dudes.
Yeah, shout out Grinder, man.
Well, some chicks.
No, I've had a chick or two.
That's another thing, man.
Here's what I learned about myself.
I'm the kind of dude, I fall in love with men, but I have sex with women.
Like, I could fall in love with you, dude.
Like, we could go to the beach, we could chill.
Like, I could do this all day.
I'm not trying to have sex with you, but I want to have sex with a woman.
Like, you'll get me horny, and I'll bang out a chick.
Isn't that wild?
Yeah.
That's a wild fucking kind of brain to have, right?
Like, tell your friend, hey, Amber, come over, bring Keith over for a little bit, too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I want to talk to Keith about football and stuff and about what he feels about shit.
But then I want to get in your pussy.
Yeah.
Yeah, but I don't want to talk to you.
That's fucking wild.
Oh, that's wild, man.
Yeah.
It is interesting, man.
It's.
You got good hair, bro.
I do?
Yeah, dude.
I just fucking wish I could grow my shit out like that.
I can't, though.
Bro, I wonder how you would look with long hair.
Yo, I would fucking hair.
Do you have it?
Didn't used to have a ponytail, somebody said.
Nah, never.
You used to work on one of those daytime cruise boats in Jamaica.
You're like the white dude with the ponytail.
Dude, you know what we should do?
Me and you, we should do a boxing match for charity, and the winner has to get the other guy's hair cut.
You got to come with this fucking shit.
I will never do a boxing match for charity.
It's a great way to end your career, I feel like.
It's like, hey, they always set you up against somebody who's going to beat your ass.
Nah, dude, I feel like you could catch me, man.
Catch me on the chin once.
I'd be done.
Dude, if I, I can't.
No, I couldn't do it, man.
But it's so interesting, the stuff that you're saying just about like the industry and like people doing their own thing.
I remember after Joe Rogan's podcast and I left out of there and I was like, man, he has his own thing.
Right.
Right.
Yeah.
And it really inspired me.
I was like, oh, wow, I could do my own thing.
I mean, dude, look at all the big interviews of the last year.
Like the big gets, Elon Musk, Barack, Kanye West is like, people can't wait for that interview.
That's Tyson today.
Mike Tyson.
That shit used to be Barbara Walters, man.
That was Barbara Walters 2020.
That's how the country tuned in to that.
Now you go to Joe Rogan.
So it's like one of those things where, you know, to have a dude like that as like a gatekeeper is cool.
I just wish I knew it.
If I lived out here, I hope I would get to know him better.
But that's the only issue still holding New York back is a lot of the dudes that are really popping off with podcasts.
And you guys are out here.
We have guys in New York like Ari Shafir and them, and it's awesome to do their shows.
But like popping off, popping off like you guys, we don't have that really yet in New York.
Yeah, I mean, I feel pretty fortunate.
Yeah, like even this, I get to hang around some of these guys.
Like somebody sent us this picture that a man made.
Yeah, it's fucking dope.
Yeah, I mean, I was so nervous.
Like, even when I first went on Joe Rogan's, I was so nervous.
And even this time, I was still a little bit nervous.
It's like, because you almost feel like it is the tonight show in some ways.
You can't kill on it, man.
But then it's also like trying to get to know him.
And like, the most time we ever spend together is on there.
I mean, we spend time together at the comedy store, but it's not like you're sitting down, really being able to communicate one-on-one.
And see, that's what I like about, you know, his podcast and all you guys' podcasts and every podcasting is like, if you gain fans, if I step out of here, like say today, if I step out of here and I've gained some of your fans, I didn't fool them because we'd be talking for an hour.
Like a late night set or a five-minute thing, you could fool somebody.
Like see their five minutes at the comedy store, whatever, like, oh, that dude ripped.
And then you go watch it out.
It's like, oh, it sucks.
If you're listening to me for over an hour and you're in, then you're in.
Then you get like an inkling of this coming.
I can't fool you, man.
But if after an hour, you're like, I don't fuck with this dude, then you're never going to fuck with me.
And that's okay, too.
But that's why I'm saying, like, that's what I mentioned before.
It's like, you could go on these big guys' podcasts and a lot of comedians just come and go on them.
But to be able to stick and get their fans, that means like you really move them.
And then now they're your fans.
You know what I mean?
And that's what I want with my career.
It's happening.
Well, no, I want to be one of those guys, though.
Like, people always ask me, like, oh, what's your goals and shit?
And like, my goal, number one, is sell tickets.
And number two, I know it's subjective.
And it's like, people say I don't care what people think.
And that's true to a degree, but I think it is important to have respect from your peers.
I want my peers in comedy to be like, hey, Chris would be funny in any decade.
He's not just funny because of the parameters of 2019.
He's not just funny because he's saying some politically correct charge message that is getting claps that, yes, he's getting, you know, accolades for now, but it's really only he's getting accolades because times have changed.
I want to be like, yo, that dude would have been funny in 1979 and he's funny in 2019.
And there's really no objective way to measure that.
That would just be subjectively through my peers being like, oh, you know, that's how we feel about you.
That's what my goal is.
Do you feel like most comedians feel like you're very funny, though?
There's no doubt about that.
I think, I think, you know what it is, man?
I think once I started to get in New York, like the OGs out here, like you guys, you know, like, you know, you got Joe Rogans and, you know, Mark Maron and guys that have been out here for a long time, like our OGs are like Colin Quinn, Dave Ettell, Bobby Kelly.
They do.
These are like the OGs at the comedy seller.
So those guys are, you know, I get invited to those guys' barbecues and I work with those guys and they invite me to shows like Colin Quinn is like a personal friend of mine.
So that's more validation for me than any late night shit I ever did, any TV show I ever did.
It's like the validation comes from the peers.
Like if Colin Quinn's saying, hey, I put my stamp on this guy, then that's good enough.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, man.
I mean, I feel like you have just such a great story.
Were you bummed at the, how did that feel?
obviously you were bummed and you said that the daughter kind of changed it for you but did you feel like was there a moment when the pilot that you had didn't go I mean, you know, it happened.
I was in San Francisco and they told me the flight was taking off.
Like, literally, you know, like when you turn on your phone on airplane mode, that last second as the plane starts to accelerate, that's what I was doing.
And it was like my thumb was like halfway to that airplane mode and the text, you know, came in on the top of the screen from my manager, CBS pass.
Sorry, bud.
And that's, you know what I mean?
And then so it was just like airplane mode hit it and it was just like, I got, you know, I listen, I licked my wounds.
I said, you know what?
For five hours while I'm in these guys, I'm going to have a few dranks.
I'm going to fucking let loose.
I'm going to be upset.
I'm going to go.
Who's going there?
Anybody cool on the plane?
Nah, nah, nah.
It was just me.
Do you even remember that?
No, I don't even remember.
I was business class, so I got the upgrade to business class luckily right before.
So there was some goodwill in it.
So I remember I just cried a little bit.
I just cried a little bit in the bathroom.
You really shed a tear now?
Absolutely.
Because, I mean, dude, don't forget for that when they told me.
It was 18 months of my life that was on hold.
18 months of my career where it's like, and they do a good job, these networks, of making you feel like you're the man and trust me, man, you're right here.
When the reality was, my shit.
And see, here's why it hurt a little bit more.
It's one of those things where it's like, if I'm playing a sport, like when I was playing basketball, I would rather lose by 100 than lose by one at the buzzer in overtime because it's like the heart, at least 100, you could be like, all right, it ain't going to happen.
So when they released the Friday in May, when they released, oh, you know, CBS has greenlit these four shows, you know, we called, my reps called CBS and they were like, you know, thank you for the opportunity.
You know, we just saw the deadline article.
We didn't make it.
And he said, no, no, no, no.
The CBS is like, no, no, no.
They're going to pick up a fifth show.
It's between your show and another show.
So he's not out yet.
We're negotiating right now.
Less, Moonvez, and Powers That Be at CBS are all talking about, and it took two hours, but they picked the other show.
No.
So it was the other show.
The other show was.
It wasn't that Malcolm in the Middle one.
No, no, no.
The other show was Living Biblically.
It got canceled after three episodes.
Yeah.
The other show was.
Dude, and Living Biblically is hard, bro.
Yeah.
First of all.
Are you trying to do it right now?
43 days in?
Dude, you got to buy a bunch of roads.
Yo.
You know?
Yeah, you got to hide your favorite friend behind a rock.
No matter what the temperatures, you got to go out there in sandals.
Oh, literally biblical.
That shit got canceled immediately.
Who was in it?
I don't fucking know, man.
It's just that shit got canceled immediately.
And I was just like, what are some worse shows you could have lost?
Slagger cats?
I lost out.
Slagger cats.
Jamie Kennedy was in that.
You could have lost out to Gravity Hunters.
Living Biblically fucking hurt, man.
Did you watch Living Biblically?
Yeah, I honestly watched it really with an open mind, like a true open mind.
And I was like, yo, is it just me or does this shit suck dick?
And they were like, my boys were like, yo, this is the worst TV show I've ever fucking seen.
And then I waited the next day to like, you know, like they released like, you know, they put it out, they released the ratings and, you know, like all variety.com deadline, you know, their first episode of a TV show, they were fucking hating on it.
They were like, who green, somebody, some of them on variety.
Yeah, so it was like, it said CBS takes a dump on Monday nights with new pickup of living biblically.
That's what one of the headlines was.
And I was like, shit.
That's hectic.
You know, look, I like the Bible, but I'm just saying, if you get living biblically in a city.
It's a whack title, too.
But I guess they feel like Middle America, you know, they live biblically, like Iowa lives biblically in a city.
That's another problem with Hollywood, man.
I said this.
The people that work in Hollywood are third, fourth, fifth generation.
Right.
You know, and it's predominantly Jewish.
I mean, it's a Jewish business.
It's just like, you know, and so it's like they don't have that much of a connection to what they used to.
It used to be people that had moved, you know, people that had moved to Los Angeles or New York from other parts of America.
Right.
But now it's just third, fourth generation.
So a lot of these people don't even know anyone.
Right.
They've never been to visit a family member in different parts of America.
So they have no way.
So of course it's still like living biblically to some mutant that has no idea what a half of America is like.
And it's like, oh, that sounds good.
Like Los Angeles, too, and many parts of New York now, they feel like little islands off the coast of Real America.
Like you said, it's so disconnected.
Oh, wow, they really do.
It's like little islands off the coast because the actual real America doesn't, you know, the actual real America doesn't give a fuck if there's a transgender Asian lead in a pilot.
They just want to be funny.
If the transgender Asian lead is funny, they're going to fuck with your show.
But they don't give a fuck.
So these people sit in these towers.
And, you know, first of all, some of the people making decisions on my CBS show were in the accounting department three years ago.
And I'm not saying that to be funny.
I'm talking about there was a dude who was giving me notes on my comedy who was in the accounting department of CBS three years prior and just somehow moved up.
So it was like, so the one thing that I took away from it, the lesson that I have, because I really did learn shit, you know, there's this, I feel like there's, you only learn through pain, right?
That that's really what I believe.
So so when I went through that pain, man, you know, it hurt.
And then, but what I learned was this.
I realized looking back in hindsight, so many times I overrode my own gut.
I overrode my gut in the sense that I would let a CBS person tell me, hey, it would be funnier if you did this and it would be funnier if you do that and your comedy should be about this.
And I listened to them because I said, you know what?
I'm going to listen to them and then I'm going to get my pilot on the air because it's exactly what they want.
And then my, and then I can, and then I can think of myself.
And they, the worst feel in the world was not only having my pilot not picked up, but looking at it.
And even though I was proud of it, because the guys I created with who created How I Met Your Mother were great dudes.
But when I looked at it, I said, you know what?
This was their, this was, it turned into their comedy.
Wow.
And I was like, I'll never do that again.
Like right now, I got a cartoon in development with Comedy Central about my life.
And it's like, I'm good.
I can work with teams.
I'll listen.
I'll listen.
I'll take a joke from somebody off the street because you never know.
Gold is gold.
It's out there.
But if my gut is telling me, no, this is not funny or no, this is not going to work, then I'm not going to override it anymore.
I'm going to say, nope, this is what I want because I want to at least live and die with my decisions, not somebody else's decisions that I made because I thought it would help my career.
And it didn't.
And I learned that.
I learned that the hard way.
But now, it's because I hear this a lot because we're doing a pilot right now with Comedy Central called Man Up.
And it's based on like people call into the podcast.
No, it's unscripted.
So we had three digital episodes and they're online and a lot of our fans know, or a lot of our, you know, the crew that listens know about them.
But it's like people call into the podcast and then we meet up in person and try to help them with some sort of situation that's going on in their life.
And maybe not help, but just be part of their life.
That's dope.
But yeah, there's some ideas where I'm like, oh, I know this would be super funny.
And then I've gotten other ideas from the network that are like, well, why don't we do this?
And sometimes I'm like, and then the producers will be like, well, if you do what they are saying, then they, because they're going to be some of the ones that are going to make the decision.
That ain't true, though.
Because the truth is, the truth is, well, first thing I'll say this, and I mean this, I'm not just saying this because I have a special on them and I have an overall deal with them.
I truly, from my heart, the executives I've worked with, at least in New York, at Comedy Central, and I know some LA dudes, and they're all, I put them in the same vein, they are about funny first, and they at least are very experienced in their job.
Like, you're not like almost all the executives at Comedy Central come from a comedy background.
They were in the accounting department two years ago.
So they know comedy.
But still, if its gut for you feels wrong, then you have to override them.
But I know more than any other executive I've ever worked with, Comedy Central knows what they're doing.
But, you know, I feel like, yeah, so like if, but, but if it feels wrong to you, then, yeah, I mean, there's nothing, there's nothing you can do about it.
Because they tell you, they're like, oh, well, you're going to have, you know, you're going to have, if you do this, if they like, you know, you kind of want to appease them some because you want to get what they want.
You don't want to give them something that seems so foreign to them.
Well, you know what's another thing, too?
It's like, you know, when you say...
I do, because I think when your producer said to you, oh, give, like, you know, do what they say because these are going to be the people making the decisions.
The truth of the matter is, even with the most, even with the most seasoned comedy executives, and I'm sure this is true in drama and all that, too, but I can only speak for comedy, comedy executives.
They don't know what they want.
They don't know.
They only know what they want when you show them.
So they could say, oh, how about this?
You know what, Theo?
I think you should have that plan over here.
And that would be funny.
But if you just say, you go rogue and you say, you know what?
I'm putting the fucking plant where I want to put the plant.
All of a sudden you're like, that's genius.
And then they pick up your shit.
Because a lot of times they're going in blind.
They have no idea what they want until you show it to them.
You know, and I learned that when I was casting my pilot, where I was like, because I was on the other side of the camera with CBS, I watched hundreds of audition tapes, hundreds, and dealt with hundreds of people coming in and out.
And everybody that pretty much came in, you know, to be honest with you, there was three of the parts I wanted somebody else because I was like, when they came in, I was like, no, this is the person.
This has got to be the person.
But they overrode me because they wanted big celebrities.
And I get it.
I get it's a business too.
I get everything can't be about the art.
I get show business.
But stacking things with celebrities is so limiting these days.
I feel like it's like, it's just like even with the election, it's like, you know, they just, they're like, you know, Hollywood controls so much.
And so it's like all the celebrities are like, we're going to, we all going to get on the same thing on the same train.
And it didn't work.
Because most of America knows it's fake, man.
I'm telling you, man, we just know we could, it's very easy to see the bullshit.
It's very easy to see when you're in an award show, when you're watching an award show, the Oscars or Golden Golds, whatever, and these celebrities are just going up there patting themselves on the back and just being wind-bag.
That makes me mad, man.
It's so infuri because you know it's fake because you know when they go home, they're probably using plastic straws and they don't give a fuck about the turtles.
You know what I mean?
Oh, well, 10 years ago, it was like gas-efficient cars, and now that's not even a thing anymore.
That's not trendy anymore.
Like, everybody shows up to Priuses and all of this stuff.
Yeah, man.
That makes me mad.
It's just whack.
And I think most of the country sees the bullshit.
Most of us do.
You know, but I've been punched in the face a lot.
You've been punching the face a lot.
Like, I live my life in the gray zone because, you know what it is?
It's like somebody on Twitter that wants to stand by his or her opinions.
It's like, yeah, you could stand by your opinions and start blocking people, but the truth is, the shit hasn't gotten violent for you.
Because if you're a real fucking martyr, then say what you just said to a person, to somebody who doesn't agree with you, to their face, and then see if you really stand by your opinion.
I've been hit so much that I fucking, you know, I know, man.
It's like, listen, man, I got opinions, but I'm not standing by anything.
Like, you know what I mean?
Once you put those fists up, if you want me to change my tune, the tune will be changed, Playboy.
Yeah, man.
I mean, it definitely is like the Wild West.
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Now back to me and Chris.
I mean, I feel so grateful.
I don't even know how I happened in to like, you know, I mean, I know I did a lot of work over the years.
You went stand up.
You did your thing, man.
You just, you know, and now, and now look, and it's a beautiful thing because now it's like you have an opportunity to like be out here for like long format stuff.
People get to know you that feel like they're a part of your family.
Yeah.
And then they come out to the shows, man, and you'll never lose them.
You'll never lose the fans.
You could have people like you on that I think are funny.
Dude, you could do something fucked up tomorrow, and maybe you'll lose ads on the podcast, but you ain't going to lose your fans.
What do you think I would do?
They'd be fucked up.
An honest crime you could see me doing.
Let me take the hat.
Honest, real shit that I could see you doing?
A real crime, and then I'm going to tell you a couple about you.
Yeah, okay.
So, like, a guy like you, well, first of all, you look like you're on crystal meth.
Like, you know what I mean?
Like, I know you're not, but like, you look like, like, like, it would be, it would be shocking to me that a guy that looks like you isn't using crystal meth.
Like, I'd be, I'm in shock that you're not.
Why?
Because there's not a t-shirt under the sweater?
Because it's just sweater to skin?
It's sweater to skin, yeah.
And just like the hair and the beard, it's like you just look like...
Well, whatever.
A little bit of hair.
You know, he's got like a Civil War head.
You know what I mean?
And it just looks like you use drugs to get through your pain.
You know what I mean?
So I would think, so definitely like robbing a liquor store is what you look.
You have that robbing a liquor store look.
You also look like you're a suspect.
You look like you're in any making a murderous shit.
You're on the list.
For sure, you're on the short list.
So I would say one of those, either a murder suspect or robbing a bank.
But I think like an actual crime you could actually do, like with who you are as Theo, not on drugs like LA, like as Theo Vaughn right now.
I think I could see you being a distracted driver texting and kill a mentally challenged person.
That's what I could see you doing.
And then leaving the scene of the accident.
Yeah, I could see you doing that.
But do I leave with them?
Do I put them back in my car?
Yeah, and then as an attempt to cover, and then to raise them at home.
Exactly.
Oh, that's a good movie.
But you could lose a sponsor for that.
Yeah, you may lose an ad.
But what about years later when I reintroduce him to society and he can fucking dance?
Yeah, I mean, it's like that movie Nell.
Remember that movie?
Yeah, which was just raised by Wolf?
And that's the song at the end.
If I asked you to dance, and it's me wheeling him out into a gymnasium.
Yeah, dude.
His parents haven't seen him for years and they're not even excited to see him.
And I wheel him out there and he gets up and just, would you say my soul tonight?
Talking me?
And then he fucking just pirouettes.
Pirouettett, yeah, and it's beautiful.
That's the crime I could see you do.
Yeah, dude.
What about me?
Two gay guys in the stands just hold a lighter up.
Yeah.
It's like, chill out, fellas.
You know?
This boy's mine.
What about me?
What do you think I could do?
Let me think.
I could see you being like a, obviously, you seem like a dude that works at a toll booth that fucking always tells people he's going to do something different.
Like on your lunch break, you tell all the black ladies you're going to be doing something different, but you still keep coming back.
And you always pocket a couple of quarters.
You think you have a scheme?
It's like stealing like 75 cents a day and stacking it up at home for like a big adventure.
Yeah, I live with my mother for sure.
Atlantic City.
Yeah.
So petty crime like that, 75 cents a day crime I could see you doing.
What else?
I could see you going into the Air Force.
I could see you doing some like AWOL type of shit.
Right, right, yeah.
Like going rogue, going to another country, going to Afghanistan or Saddam.
Doing some shit like that.
Hussein, yeah, or somewhere in Iraq.
And just like because like because I just want to defend freedom and defend my country, I'm killing innocent women and children.
Yeah, some of them.
In the Middle East.
Some dirty homeland type of shit.
Next thing you're over there in a fucking sweat lodge, just drinking curry through a straw.
ISIS gets me.
But I got such a big head that I just keep fucking up their beheading videos.
I got like a size eight hat head.
I could see you getting in a lawsuit with new era hats because they don't have a proper fit.
Yo, I got a big ass head, man.
But you're Dutch, aren't you?
No, I'm not Dutch.
Actually, I thought my whole life I was Italian and German, like every other white piece of shit on the East Coast, but I found that I'm like 70% German.
Wow.
Yeah, mostly German.
So you were kind of right.
Yeah, that's all.
What's the Louis C.K. situation like in New York?
Is it different than it is out here?
Well, I don't know.
I mean, he doesn't really come.
He don't really, he doesn't pop up out here, right?
No, I heard one.
You know what?
There was one night where I heard that he was at like the Lyric Theater or something, and this was about six weeks ago, but that's, I just heard it from one person, and so I don't know if that's true.
Yeah.
He pops up, you know, around like comedy seller and shows like that.
And it's just like, you know, it's one of those things.
I think the main difference that I see now is he doesn't really hang out.
He just comes, does his spot, and leaves.
Does he seem nervous?
You know.
And just vibe, you know, just by vibe.
Just a vibe.
I would say the first night I was there, the first night he came back, he was nervous, for sure.
I think even he would admit that.
How could you not be?
But now, not so much.
I mean, he's, you know, buried in his notes, kind of writing things.
Comes out, you know, he's got to deal with every time he goes up, people will walk out and leave.
You know, he's going to have to probably deal with that for as much as he comes in unannounced to a comic club.
He's going to have to deal with people being like, we want our money back.
It's just, you know, it's just what it is in society right now.
But to be honest with you, man, every time he goes up, he murders.
He rips like the people there.
Because it's like, it's good jokes.
It's like, look, Bill Cosby's in prison because what he did was a crime and he doesn't deserve a chance.
And maybe he would after he's rehabilitated in prison.
That's what these laws are.
That's why we have laws.
Then, yeah, hypothetically, he should be allowed to come back because he did his time.
Louis K never committed a crime.
For sure, what he did was outside the fringes of what's normally socially accepted situations.
That's hella vegan, too.
Jerking off on a plan is hella fucking bad.
Hella vegan, dude.
Yeah, and you're putting that net.
And look at his energy into energy.
That's a soup out here in fucking, you know.
Yeah, man.
I'd eat that.
In North Hollywood, bro.
I'd have a little.
I'm not going to have a lot.
Yeah.
But it's like, you know, what the shit, of course it was, you know, right, the media definitely got a hold of him.
He definitely.
Scott doesn't deserve to lose his life and his career.
Not even fucking.
He's a little power.
Yeah.
And he always, whenever I saw him, he seemed like he had a real hard ego.
Like, just like, but he was also the biggest comedian.
Like, real comedian.
Yeah, but think about how hard it is to be at the top like that.
Everybody asking you for shit, wanting shit from you.
So, look, man, I don't know Louis too well.
The few times I have been around him, he's been kind to me.
You know, he really has been.
But, you know, I know like the situations that he put some people in, it wasn't right, but it's not a crime.
And he doesn't deserve to lose his career over it.
I don't think so, man.
I think if you commit a crime, then yeah, like Cosby is, what happened to Cosby is right.
Hardy Weinstein, these guys, if shit's proven, you should go to jail for that.
Yeah, he got caught up in that.
You know, he definitely was in that tidal wave of stuff that was going on at the same time.
Yeah, man.
So it's like, but look, rules have changed.
I think the positive things about all these movements is I know at some point there's people that take advantage of them and then the media wants to jump on that too and people want to jump on that.
But look, things have changed, man.
I'll tell you what, I've always respected women.
You know, I grew up around all women.
But like, I certainly.
You made me think about my actions.
Exactly.
It's like made me think like, you know what?
The way I was in 2010, I still wasn't not raping anybody or assaulting anyone, but I maybe wasn't as self-aware as I am now.
So that's positive.
I think that's ultimately what they wanted.
Oh, there's definitely some positives.
Yeah, there's always, but, you know, there's always going to be people, because it's like, you know, people walk around in fear now and say, oh, a guy say I can't do anything.
It's like, well, you can't be an asshole.
You know what I mean?
Like, if some girl comes accusing me of shit, it's like, it's not going to be true.
You know, it made me think about my sit.
It made me think about, like, it made me think about a couple things.
It made me think like, wow, it did make me look at myself.
Yeah.
You know, a couple things even, some of these movements, like when the Black Lives Matter stuff was happening, it was real, you know, big, more popular.
Right.
You know, that was a time like when, you know, the, Trump was running for president and everybody was like really divided.
And that's a time when I felt like, dude, there's nobody even in, like, I came all the way to L.A. to be, you know, I felt like I grew up really a Democrat.
You know, like I grew up poor.
I grew up with opportunities.
You know, I grew up, you know, never liked the rich, really, because they, the one thing I didn't like about the rich was that if one of them got in trouble for something, they were able to get out of it.
Right.
Before, it never got to the papers the next day.
It never, in the middle of the night, there was some phone calls made and they were able to get through it.
Somebody knew somebody.
And that's the thing that always, because then there was no consequence for them.
Right.
And so that always just made me so angry.
Right.
But anyways, but then I get out to LA and then I'm suddenly I'm like, you know, looked at as like, you know, everybody just immediately is like, oh, well, this guy's just a redneck.
This guy's an idiot.
Right.
You know, just because of the way that I sound or just because of like my skin.
And it made me, and I couldn't, I was like, there's not even any roles for me here.
Like, when have they even championed a southern comedian?
And since when?
Larry the Cable had that?
Jeff Fox?
That's 25 years ago.
20 years ago.
But that's why I'm saying that's why I think what you did is so great because you just built your own way.
And that's, thank God we have the opportunity to do that in 2019 because if this was 1999, you would be fucked.
Right.
You know, now you're not.
But now it made me think, but in 99, I think you still have some opportunities.
They had like shit like the Torquilsons and fucking some other shows.
They had living biblically.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yo, that shit was a big one.
Just the 10 of us.
I mean, they're all women.
You guys make some dumb decisions.
I'm saying that publicly.
CBS.
Oh, dude.
Yo.
Should have kept your boy.
These people, I can't even imagine the number of bad shows that have been passed around these troubled rooms.
Yeah.
Like, that's a show I could have been on the dang Torkelson.
I would have definitely made that up.
Yeah.
Yeah, the kid with the blue pack.
I thought it was a group of people.
I thought it was like a cartoon of seahorses.
What station was it on?
Oh, I don't know.
ABC, NBC show.
We had two stations.
It was on one of them.
But I remember this, though.
This is what I remember.
I remember being like, man, because of how I sound or how I look, then I'm not going to have any opportunities, right?
I remember really feeling that.
And then I was like, man, this must be how black people feel sometimes.
Probably.
Or this must be how.
Latinos never complain, really.
Latinos are going to hopefully take over the world, bro.
And I would happily say, be in Benitos.
Because they deserve it.
That's why I have a Puerto Rican daughter, man.
I've fucking gotten that shit early, man.
I did it for my career, 100%.
Because, you know, I'm a straight white male.
We're very easily hateable.
And I look like a tiki torch.
You know what I mean?
I look like the problem.
I'm an undercover cop.
So my Puerto Rican daughter, man, it's like, what are you going to say to me now?
I'm like, fucking, I got my baby Puerto Rican girl.
Oh, you look like definitely like a guy that works at the church that gets busted.
Like a church pastor, but the shady one.
Yeah.
You know, I look like somebody's ex.
I look like somebody's ex-husband.
That's what I mean.
You look like definitely every ex-husband in a lifetime movie.
Like you're dating this girl, you love her, and then she's like, oh, I have a kid with this guy.
And it's a fucking letdown.
You're like, oh, fuck.
This guy's got to be a part of my life.
Yeah, you look like Jeff.
You should carry a lunch pail.
Or like I'm coming up with some fucking protein-infused vodka or some shit.
And it's a dumbass invention.
But it made me feel like that.
It brought that.
I mean, it brought into my mind and it brought it into my heart.
I was like, man, this is how somebody must feel if they don't feel like they have an opportunity.
And so that was, I never would have had that.
And now that's at a macro level.
At a micro level, yeah, some people don't take advantage of their opportunities.
You know, some people have a million opportunities.
No matter what color their skin are, they never really.
And like when you just put the product out there, when it's unfiltered, uncensored, it's like just coming from my brain, like as the artist, like I'm sure you find like my fan base at the History Hyena podcast, it's so culturally diverse.
Like it's so culturally diverse, it's crazy.
Men, women, all different races, religions.
And I'm sure you feel the same because funny is funny, man.
But these executives and these people and these so-called gatekeepers and bloggers want to say, oh, you have to talk about this group or do that.
It's like, yo, bro, funny is, funny has no race.
It's a universal language.
It's like, that's what brings shit together.
Like my pops, old school Italian guy, right?
Like nowadays in 2019, you could blog about him and you could make my father a villain.
When in reality, my dad, in 2012, when Hurricane Sandy happened and it like ravaged New York, Staten Island, where my pops lives, the coast of Staten Island got fucked up.
And most of it is like, most of it was Latino immigrants and black people.
Most of it.
But my dad's house was not touched.
So my dad rented a U-Haul truck every single day, went down there, helped out the families, and even for two weeks, let two separate families stay in his house while they, because they had nowhere else to go.
But, you know, while he was doing that, my dad's just an old school kind of guy, comes from a different world.
He was making jokes.
Like one guy's name was Jose.
He kept calling him Juan.
He kept telling him like, hey, don't steal my silverware.
You know, he'd be like, you guys want to play bait?
Like, just coining old hack jokes.
But the truth is, is like all those families, they love him like he's their dad because he saved their lives for two weeks.
So it's like everybody wants to, I feel like, I feel like as a society, we're in defense mode.
It's like somebody gets famous.
Oh, now we're waiting for that person to fuck up, dig through their tweets.
What's going to go wrong?
Like with Kevin Hart, oh, go back 10 years to find tweets.
Like, well, if you really wanted, if actions spoke, if actions truly spoke louder than words, which is that bullshit that they regurgitate, that to be honest, mostly the left regurgitates, but actions speak louder than words, then you would see Kevin Hart's actions in 10 years finding no tweets.
But all of a sudden, to make the narrative good for you, you're going to flip it and say, oh, now words are louder than actions.
So it's like, what, you know, you're playing an unwinnable game.
That's why having a podcast and having your own fan base is my goal because I can speak to my people.
I'm immune to all.
Like, you're immune to all that shit, man.
Look how nobody's digging through your tweets.
And if they do, they're your fans.
Right.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
And it's like, also, like, I just don't understand how you don't like expect that.
Like, how can you be like, everybody deserves the opportunity to change, but then, you know, you're preaching that all the time.
But then there's no empathy for people.
There's no like, well, what if somebody does change?
You know, like, how can somebody not change?
Like, you should be great.
You saw something 10 years ago.
You don't see anything now.
Yeah.
It's like, you know, even like, you know, those, you know, the Charlottesville when they had the Tiki torture guys or whatever, you know, and, but 50,000, you know, 60 years ago or something or 40 years ago, they had, in the 60s, they had like a Klan rally, I think that had 50,000 people in Madison Square Garden.
Yeah, man.
Like, what a great progress.
Like, sure, that's fucked up, but it's like, why not be like, oh, the last ditch effort of some maniac.
In 1938, the Nazis sold out Madison Square Garden.
My people's.
They sold out MSG.
How many shows do they do?
I don't know, but I'll tell you one thing.
You can say what you want about Hitler.
I'm not a fan, but my man sold tickets.
The Nazi party was deep.
He was selling out theaters in Germany, you know?
Jeff Dunham.
It's like Jeff Dunham.
Jeff Dunham.
Jeff Dunham and Hitler are the same fucking dude.
It's like John Wilkes Booth, dude.
Yeah.
He fucking that dude.
Yo, he could act, man.
He fucked.
He fucked a theater.
He packed a theater out, man.
He had bars, but you know what I mean?
He killed old Abe.
Yeah, I mean, I guess it is kind of freeing to realize, like, yeah, I guess it was like, yeah, we just have to try and make something else happen of our own.
Yeah, no, dude, what I'm telling you, man, it's the best.
It's just like self-start, and then you cannot take it away.
And it's exactly what Joe Rogan.
I mean, I know Joe Rogan did a lot of the Fear Factor and all that other stuff, but I mean, the things that people are hanging their hats on now is things they built, not that somebody else built, not that somebody else is in control of.
Like, you got, who cares?
Like, even if Louis, let's talk about, let's say, Louis C.K., right?
If he started a podcast tomorrow.
It would be the top podcast.
Well, it'd probably be a top podcast, but it's like he would monetize it instantly and still be able to make it.
You can't tell him he can't do a podcast.
You could tell him he can't be on FX anymore.
You could tell him, you know what I mean?
He's not doing these commercials.
Theaters could close their doors, but you can't.
The fucking people.
Yo, if he speaks to the people, man, it's like, nah, you can't.
You let the people decide.
Absolutely.
And then you could be like, hey, listen, if you like us Louis C.K. podcast, it's a dollar a month.
Trust me, there's thousands, hundreds of thousands of people that would do that just to hear it.
Just say, just because they're fans of his work.
And I'm not advocating for him.
I'm just using him as an example where it's like, really in 2019, like you can't be stopped.
If you put your mind and your will to it and you want to say, this is what I want to do, then you got to just go do it because there's no excuses anymore.
Yeah, that's what Donnell Rollins said.
And we were just talking about this with Kevin Ealing the other day.
But yeah, that's what Donnell Rollins said.
He said, for black people, white people, for anybody, there's no excuses.
He said that he felt like once Barack Obama was president that you can't be a black person anymore and say like, oh, I don't have this opportunity.
I still think there should be more opportunities for Latinos, though, in America.
Like, how you don't have a Latino on the fucking Los Angeles Lakers?
I know.
Well, you know what?
99% of your offense of your audience, of your fans, are Latinos.
I know.
I want to see fucking Hector out there shooting a nine-pointer, bro.
You know?
Wearing fucking dickies, dog.
Yeah.
You know?
Converses, bro.
He fucking only gets to shoot nine-pointers.
Cigarettes in his ears.
Yo.
But that shit would be beautiful.
Yeah, well, I mean, Latinos, I mean, they're going to be the majority.
I believe they're going to be the majority for the population in our country very soon.
I think in the next few years.
So, yeah, they certainly need to be more represented.
But I think, you know, everybody's like, oh, you got to have this person.
You got to have that person.
It's like, well, you got to break down society.
It's like, let's talk numbers here.
Majority of our society is this race or that.
Majority of our society is, you know, this sexual orientation and this religion.
So it's like, when you talk about television specifically, that's what it's geared towards.
It's like, yes, you know, you have to have everybody represented, but you got to understand there's different percentages of people.
I think, here's the thing.
Here's how I feel.
Everybody, everybody, you need to, you need to treat every single person fairly and with respect.
Anybody that comes into my life, I treat them fairly and with respect.
I don't care what your orientation is, race, religion, whatever.
But when we go along with this narrative, we're all created equal, it's not true.
It's not true.
It's just not a true thing.
It's something that is being pushed.
That's a fucking lie that I think it's unfortunate for like my daughter.
I'm going to be honest with her.
Be like, listen, we're not equal.
Okay.
There's not, there's, there's, and that doesn't mean you don't, you treat anyone any differently than anybody else.
You love and respect everyone.
Yeah.
And you be friends with everyone.
But to think that you have the same opportunities as other, it's, it's, it's, it's a lie.
And in America, it's a lie.
I don't want them, bro.
Like when I look at like, you know, like, you don't really want it.
Like in the end, like, it's like, you know, like in the past year, I've had opportunity to be like, you know, to kind of just be in a different space, you know, like even a year and a half ago, it's like, yeah, it's definitely different, like going and having people come out to the shows.
But it's like, I wouldn't have changed, you know, I don't think I really would have changed anything the more I think about it.
It's like the best, like that chip on your shoulder really was the most enjoyable part of my life.
Absolutely.
I mean, I don't know the, you know, the joys of having a child or having that sort of thing yet, but like just having a, having a, like Joe Rogan's was talking about they had universal income and where everybody would get a flat amount so that their basic needs were met.
So then after that, if everybody's basic needs were met, then they could focus more on their well-being, you know, and advancement and stuff like that.
You pull that up, a universal basic income?
That's a dope thing to think about.
Right.
But what is this from?
You're saying he did this?
No, it's just been something that's just been kind of discussed.
I mean, I don't know if there'd be a way to really fund it.
So what, like a socialist kind of thing socialist idea.
But then I was thinking about it more.
I was thinking about it last night and I was like, but would, where would people, would there be as much incentive?
You know, like, you don't have a comeback story then.
You don't have Rudy Rüdiger.
Yeah.
You know?
No, listen, man.
I think like America, the reason why America, everybody wants to come here and it's still the number one country in the world is because it's capitalist.
It's a capitalist society.
So it's like, yeah, you have to be, you have to be unbelievably good in this country to get ahead.
And there's positives in that.
I think, but, you know, the catch-22 is with capitalist society comes greed.
I mean, like lawyers, you know, doctors in England don't need boats.
You know what I mean?
Like a national healthcare setting, like a doctor's still a great job, but they're making $150,000 a year.
Doctors here are multi-millionaires.
So that's going to change a person.
And that's going to, the evil parts of a person's brain are going to, the ego.
You're leaving the ego unchecked.
So it's inevitable.
But I think it's hard to say, well, let's take that away because that's what makes America America's.
You can make it here.
You can make it anywhere.
And the only way that that saying remains true is by having capitalism be the thing that's governing us.
And I think greed is going to become, I just have this thing that greed, this thought that greed is going to become like the bad thing.
Right.
Right.
Yeah.
Because it is so, like, at a certain point, it's just dirty.
You know, at a certain point, it's like, what are you doing?
Like, when you raise kids that have no idea, that have never waited a table or never been a buddy bus boy or never had an experience of like, you know, being a certain, you know, like having to do anything for themselves.
It just, I don't know.
You don't get the most out of life that way either.
Like, dude, the best parts of my life have really been the shittiest.
Dude, every time I think about comedy, you know, when I'm thinking, when I'm like reminiscing about shit, it's always those first two, three years when you're like really grinding out, doing open mics, meeting people, seeing everything for the first time.
I fantasize and romanticize that part of my career because I'm like, oh, shit.
Like it was a bond there.
Now it's like sometimes, you know, you're in a city alone.
You're on state.
You're doing shit alone.
Like, you know, you see your friends popping off, but it's from afar.
It's like back in the day, it's like, hey, if somebody just got passed at a comedy club, they would throw a celebration.
But I think what's good about my daughter is things have flipped now in the sense that my daughter's number one, my career is number two.
I still give my whole, I give a lot of energy to my career and I want, you know, I'm out here right now to do things for my career.
So I, you know, the only times I step away from my daughter is if it's worth it either financially, if it's going to push the ball ahead in my career, because that enhances her life.
But I'm not, you know, some of my peers I'll notice like that have children, you know, they'll be like, oh man, I got to go on the month.
I got to go on the road for a month.
It's just a job.
It's like, no, it's not, you fucking idiot.
You don't have to do that.
You're doing that because, you know, you're putting your career first.
And what happened was when I put my career second, number one, my career is better than it's ever been.
And it's going up.
Everything's going up.
So I didn't lose any steam because I still do my work.
You know, I still work at it.
But it kind of made me realize like, yeah, the ugly parts of our career, like, you know, the loneliness of it or like, you know, the greed or like, do I really need to go after everyone on social media?
Do I need to post this thing just to have a chance to go viral?
Like, how much of myself do I want to sell?
Do I want to go out in the middle of the street and pull my dick out so it could go viral?
Do I want to do that?
And when I put my career second, the answer was no, because the truth is, yeah, I want to sell out.
I don't need to sell at arenas, but I'd like to sell out theaters.
I'm not one of those guys, like, I'll do anything to make it.
That's not true.
Yeah, that's true.
I'll do anything to make it.
I'm not going to make out that I see sometimes.
Like, yeah, I don't know.
I worry that I'm just not going to, that I'm going to run out of good ideas if I don't be a good person.
That's like my thing.
Well, I think it's caught.
I think, yeah, well, that's just positive.
I believe a lot in energy now.
You know, ever since I had my kid, like, love, the energy, like love is an energy and it's real and it's palpable.
And I feel it with my daughter.
Mail us some, dude.
We need some out here in Los Angeles.
Come here.
I'll get whatever.
You want to see that remote dick?
We're missing some.
No, I do not.
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I want some fucking home fries.
What are we talking about now?
Some breakfast potatoes.
What are we talking about today?
What's in the news today, Nick?
Let's see.
This happened a little while ago, but it kind of relates to this podcast.
Our man Chris Hansen.
And actually, more news as we record this just broke.
He's being evicted from his apartment.
Wow.
Yeah, what was he doing?
Cash in blank checks?
Yeah, he got in trouble.
He bought some merch from a vendor.
Okay.
Owed him $13,000.
Tried to write out two checks to him to pay him back.
Kept begging for more time.
Those checks bounced.
So the guy called the cops, and there's his mugshot.
That's a crime if one of your checks bounces?
Like, if I wrote a check that bounced, that's a crime?
Yeah, you should call your daughter to school right now.
Yeah, because I've had a couple of those puppies bounce.
Dude, they'd always bounce.
I remember they would come back NSF, insufficient funds.
Yeah.
And I'll say this, man.
Chris Haines was on here.
On the show?
Yeah.
Really?
He's fucking dope.
And it was cool.
It was cool.
Yeah, it was a great episode.
It was a fun episode.
It was interesting.
He seemed like a good dude, right?
Warm dude.
He did seem like a warm dude.
I mean, he probably still is.
This doesn't make him a bad dude.
No, this doesn't make him a bad dude.
But he...
A pattern of behavior.
And so he had a, you know, he had an experience at a hotel.
You know, we put him up for a night in a hotel and flew him out here.
Right.
Right.
So, and that's the only guest that we've done it for.
Right.
Big Chris Hansen fan.
Of course.
I wanted him to, you know, I just wanted to be able to sit down with him and chat.
And I don't even think I did that good of an interview, but I think that it was, you know, we learn as we go.
But then he ran up extra nights at like extra stuff at the hotel and tried to keep it onto our tab, even though it was.
Oh, like what, like dinners and drinks and shit like that?
We agreed to only one night.
He tried to do three.
Say he didn't have his credit card when he left the hotel.
Yeah, huge room service bills.
So this isn't shocking to you, is what you guys are saying.
Because it was shocking to me, but I thought it was a misunderstanding when it happened at the hotel, but then you see.
And you see this in it, Patter.
Yeah, he's like an anti-hero.
He's like catching predators, but he's a klepto behind the scenes.
This feels like it's got gambling written all over it.
Spa.
You know, he writes spa treatments.
I don't know if it's a gambling.
I think.
No, in the sense that guys who are compulsive gamblers and gamble their funds away do kind of do shit like this.
It's always I need more time.
I need more time.
I need more time.
As soon as you said that he said I need more time, that's gambling.
That feels like he's a gambler.
Oh, because of time.
Because if I get this next bet, then I'll be even.
But I could be wrong.
Yeah.
Well, the thing that makes me think, it just kind of, I don't know.
The first thing I thought was, man, I wouldn't do this to somebody.
I wouldn't, you know, have an extra $1,500 worth of hotel bill.
That's a lot of money, man.
Yeah, right, for a couple of nights at a hotel.
and not and try to be and you know like No, we got literally the, according to the girl that helps us, you know, arrange some of this, she said, like, that he was walking out of the hotel and she was on the phone with the guy, with the front desk, and the lady was literally saying, Mr. Hansen, Mr. Hansen, to have him put down his card.
So he had to.
Yeah, so he had to.
Wow.
But I don't, and the crazy thing is, he didn't seem like if I'd have tried to call him or try to reach him, like he wouldn't have, you know, kind of tried to answer, like he wouldn't have answered the phone.
It seemed like he would have answered the phone.
He would have communicated.
Yeah.
But so, yeah, it just kind of hurt my feelings a little because it was like, oh, I wouldn't do that to somebody, you know?
But you had a bit of a sour taste in your mouth for Hanson after that experience before the shit happened.
Yes.
Interesting.
That's very.
And he even texted me today.
I didn't text him back, but when he...
You make people feel bad, man.
I had two texts out to you.
Can't wait to see you.
Playboy.
I'm in LA.
Miss you, love you.
And you just wrote back.
I'll be at the studio in 15 minutes.
You know what I mean?
I was running late.
But I texted him three days ago.
That's right.
That's right.
Really, really.
Dude, there's enough of attraction between us.
I don't want you getting any wrong ideas.
But the thing was, it was like, but why would you, it must be some sort of a...
Yeah, compulsion.
That's a much better word.
Thanks, Nick.
That's what I think.
But yeah, what is it?
Like, is it to spend?
Like, I wonder what that is, you know, to the need to live at a certain means.
Because we put him up at, you know, I think it was a four seasons, somewhere nice.
Somewhere nice, yeah.
So it was, yeah, the, it, it, it's probably an adrenaline rush.
I bet you it's connected to adrenaline, man.
Yeah, or living a, that's the thing that's scary about popularity and about your ego.
It warps you, man.
It's almost like people who get extremely famous, that's a mental health issue.
Like being a big celebrity is a mental health issue that people, like, it's almost like quarterbacks, you know, got to take those tests.
You know, NFL, you know, NBA rookie camps, they have to go mandatory two-week training, mandatory about how their life's going to change.
That should be with celebrities.
You become an A-lister, deadline says you're an A-lister, a variety, whatever, you got to take a fucking course.
You got to take a course, bro.
The Wonderlick.
The Wonderlick.
Sorry.
Yeah, I was about to say the Wonderlust because I'm a fucking dumb piece of shit.
No, you're an okay guy.
I appreciate it, brother.
Well, let me watch this match.
You think I look thinner or what do you think?
Or I still look fat?
Well, the jacket definitely looks like something that a trans worker wears.
Yeah.
Or somebody that operates transit.
Try, okay, yeah.
It was like a transgender jacket.
Oh, no, it's definitely like a sexy bus driver.
Fucking business.
Yeah, something that a bus driver got their wife or husband.
That's by rate.
That's by crotch.
100%.
Yeah.
Yeah, man, I fucking...
Yeah.
And you got that rare body type.
I got it.
I'm built like a Conestogue wagon.
Yeah, bro.
Yeah, I got.
So I got that rare.
I'm a letdown for women, man.
Are you?
Yeah, because when I take my shirt off, it's a mess.
But you go to the gym all the time.
I do, but I just, you know what I mean?
I just got flubber.
So there's nothing I could do, you know?
I told you the guy told me I had leading man face, best friend, body.
Really?
You know, some casting director said, you got leading man face, best friend, body.
That's a fucked up thing to say, but it was hilarious.
Yeah.
I tweeted it.
Yeah, you got those blue eyes, though, dude.
You look like a handsome guy who kind of got like when he, like some elevator doors kind of smashed and smashed on him.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, the blue eyes, the blue eyes are a get out of jail free card.
Yeah, dude.
Well, I think women feel like I can protect them because I'm a bigger dude and whatever.
But I feel like, you know, I notice like the pattern, it's like the first month women are really into me and then it slowly starts to be like, oh, this guy wasn't what I thought he was.
Oh, wow.
You know, so, but it's all good.
Do you really notice that pattern?
I notice that pattern.
Like, girls are usually in.
They're really in the first few weeks and then they're really out, you know, after that.
Like, because, you know, biting my nails, eating my boogers, you know, like doing shit like, you know, like, you know, being too open with them.
Like, hey, I slept in the bed with my mom until I was 15. You know, having anxiety, being scared of the dark, not being able to fix shit, you know, having one titty like way bigger than the other, you know, shit like that, you know?
Yeah.
Farting, you know, like, that's the real me, you know, I'll bite my toenails.
Yeah, don't be, don't be the real you, dude, for other people.
Yeah.
You know, save the real you for you.
Yeah, yeah.
I think.
But it's so true if we were all ourselves, like, you know, if people really knew about all, I try to share as much as I can before, you know, sometimes it's like, but if people really knew, like, you know, some of our behaviors, I think now that's an interesting thing.
I think it's okay if people know your fears because that's something they can really relate to.
Right.
But some behaviors make people really sketchy.
Yeah, man.
Like, you know, and like I met a girl one time, sorry to interrupt you, but she had, I don't want to forget this and I will forget.
She had, you know, and we dated for a while and she would wear the same panties, right?
And sometimes she would wear them backwards.
Wow.
And one time they had like a little kind of dudey kind of touch on the front.
Did she have fumes?
I don't know what that is, but.
Like, you know, did the vadge smell?
Oh, I don't know.
I don't remember.
That's a big thing if a girl has fumes or not.
Oh, I don't know.
Yeah.
this girl just had switched her underwear around, you know.
Yeah, but that may give off some fumes.
Yeah.
Well, when I see them switch, I'm out, bro.
You're out.
You were just out immediately.
Yeah.
Some guy who's letting a guy.
Yo, you're fucked up, dude.
First of all, that is straight up how they make pink eye.
Okay.
That is where it's made of.
I had pink eye the other day.
It was fucking wild.
I had a big ass thigh in my eye.
Yeah, it was from farting on my phone.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
That shit was wet, right?
Yo, my fans call me Chrissy Well farts.
Do they really?
Because my shit sound like they're in a well, underwater ass crack.
Yeah.
I got a deep, deep, deep asshole, man.
That's what it is.
Really?
I had to get a colonoscopy.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, the doctor, because I was telling him, like, I played some audio on my farts, and I sent him some pictures of my shits in the office, and he was like, we need to take a look.
He said it was all good.
Jerry Nasser?
Was it that fucking gymnastics?
Larry Nasser?
Larry Nasser.
He said we got to take a look.
And then he told me, he said, everything's fine.
But in clinical terms, he said, I have a very deep, deep rectum.
Oh, wow.
So he said, that's what's causing the sounds of the farts.
It's pretty cool.
Rectum damn near killed him.
That's Chris Farley.
Did he say that line?
Rectum didn't nearly kill them?
Sounds familiar.
Nick's sister does colonoscopies.
Oh, she's a GI doctor?
No, she's never gotten.
Just running freelance, bro.
Oh, wow.
That colonoscopy is colonyx.
Oh, colonyx.
Yeah, that cleans your whole shit out.
You can pretty much just come off the street.
Yeah.
I mean, basically, the van will pull up.
You ever done one of those?
You ever got your shit cleaned out like that?
No, dude.
I'll let God do what he needs to do inside of my body.
Right, right.
Well, I'm living biblically.
Living biblically.
I'm living biblically.
What a piece of shit.
Did we have some questions that came in for Chris, Nick?
When was the last time you cried?
Like, sobbing?
Like, really cried?
First of all, that guy looks like a sexy member of ISIS.
Doesn't he just look like a handsome terrorist?
Can we pull him up?
He looks like a handsome terrorist, that fucking guy.
God.
Cry.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just a fucking hot, just model for a jihad.
Yeah, like if terrorists wanted to take you on like a weekend adventure.
Yeah.
He would be the host.
He would be the host.
Yeah.
The last time I cried, the last time I cried was actually about four days ago.
I cried because I was talking to my kid's mom about my daughter.
And we were just having a conversation.
And I was just telling her, I just got emotional.
I was just thanking her for giving me Delilah.
Oh, wow.
And then I just started to get like real, I just started to cry.
And she was like, you know, she kicked me out, but it's what it is.
You know, we're not together anymore.
That's powerful.
Yeah, but I started to cry.
Wow.
Will you guys have another kid?
You think you and her?
If I'm good, this is how wild I am and just how I feel.
If I'm going to have another child, I'd prefer to be with her.
I don't want my daughter to have different moms.
You know, I want my daughter's sibling to have a different mom.
So it's like, I'd rather, if I'm going to, even though we're not together, you know, she's not interested in that.
She just wanted every more kids.
But if I was going to have another kid, I'd prefer it to be with her.
Let's do it this way.
Even if we're not together.
I'm not saying we're getting back together.
It's like this, you know what I mean?
She's not interested in it.
Well, it's so huge because it's like, you know, and that's a sweet, it's a sweet thing, man.
I can imagine that, you know, like just, you know, feeling like, wow, I have this gift.
And even though it's my daughter, like, I wouldn't have it.
Even with this person that I may not even always get along with perfectly.
Yeah.
But I wouldn't have it.
I would not have it.
And she harbored her life.
And she's like, the mom is the most important.
So sometimes you just got to be thankful.
Even though, like, we go through our own bullshit romantically or we did.
Yeah, she just needs to be thanked.
Yeah.
You know, for, because Delilah changed my whole life.
Yeah.
My dad used to say, what would he say to us?
He would say, oh, you got to always love your mother.
That's what he said.
You got to always love your mother.
Because, yeah, I think no matter sometimes even what our moms do to us or they don't do it to us or provide or don't, they, the simple fact that they went through all that is pretty severe.
Pretty severe.
Because a woman even, like, you know, women, you know, they get a little bit, they really, a lot of their aging happens when they have a child.
Sure.
Yeah, the child takes, and that's why it's like.
Children are burglars, man.
Bro, burglars.
And that's why, like, you know, that's why I say love is powerful and I think can be measured because it's like the kid, the, you know, what it does to a woman's body and how much it changes their life.
The only way that you don't remove it from your life, because you could, all you could do is not feed it or smother it and it's gone.
Yeah.
But the only reason, like, you know, like a bug, you know, you have no attachment to you, fuck it.
But a bug's a living thing, like a child's a living thing.
But it's like the child, there's like love.
Love is the energy that keeps that, keeps, keeps it together and keeps your child alive in the beginning.
You know, of course, it's nurturing and food and all that, but it's really love.
If you don't have love, if you didn't love it, you just walk away from it and the child can do nothing.
So it's all love.
And that probably happens sometimes, too.
Oh, absolutely.
You hear about it all the time.
People leaving their babies out on doorsteps out in the cold, whatever they do.
Yeah.
And then dunking donuts.
Dunkin' donuts.
Yeah.
Dunkin' fucking donuts.
But I like that.
I wonder if they, you know, I thought about this a couple years ago, if they would have an app that would, you could find someone you wanted to start a family with.
And it was just on that, like, you know, I want to meet somebody to have a kid.
Not about the love.
It's not really about our connection.
Yeah.
But to see, like, you know, how do we live close enough?
How would we, you know, would this person be a loving enough person to have a child with?
It just seems like a safer place.
Safer place.
Yeah, I mean, I guess in some ways, you know, I mean, you're not sharing it with the person, but like you donate, I've donated my sperm and I was chose not.
I don't want to be serious.
I don't want to be notified.
But like somebody's, you know, serious, man?
Bro, yeah.
And the doctors.
What are you doing, bro?
Bro, the doctors told me in there, they said, look, they said, you know, because I got a doctorate degree.
They're like, you got a doctorate degree.
They're like, so your sperm will be.
Women are going to take the sperm because the level of education.
So you have children out there probably.
Probably, but I told them, like, I don't want to be notified.
What the fuck?
I just wanted to give that glue out.
Deadbeat, Dead.
I just wanted to give that glue out, bro.
No, but my point is, is like what you just said, it's like when you donate your sperm, like women are out there that are like, you know, maybe they're a lesbian couple or maybe they just don't want a man in their life, but they want to procreate.
So that's kind of what they do.
She looked at my profile.
If someone did pick.
They have a picture, too?
They have everything.
What kind of headshot did you give them?
Took it high school.
What was it?
No, I took a picture in the office.
Dude, I would only donate a little bit of sperm to him.
How much did you give him?
I gave him one load, man.
Give them one fucking load.
You got to shot it out.
What a cheap day, dude.
How much did they give you?
What did I get?
Maybe $125, $150?
Cash money, play.
Cash money, cuz.
Dude.
Bro, what a whore.
'Cause I'm fucking Did you really?
Yo, Applebee's in Times Square, they jacked the fucking price up.
It's bullshit.
If you're ever in New York City, do not go to Applebee's in Times Square.
Something that costs $30 for a whole meal in the Outer Boroughs will cost $30 a burger in Applebee's in Times Square.
There's a really piece of shit move that they do as a corporation.
I could see that.
Yeah, I'm not, you know.
I'm going to go there this year.
I think to New York, would you do Carolines if you could do like some good shows there?
Or would you do Gotham?
Yeah.
Oh, no, like a theater.
Oh, like me personally?
Yeah.
Well, I headline.
Usually I do Gotham.
I've been headlining Gotham.
Yeah, I've been to Gotham before.
But if I could sell enough tickets, I would do a theater.
For sure, I do a theater.
What's Caroline's like compared room-wise to Gotham?
I believe Caroline's maybe could seat a few more people, I believe.
But audience-wise, you're going to have a Times Square audience, so you'll have a lot of people there who know you, but also a lot of people who are just tourists coming in.
Where Gotham Comedy Club is located on 23rd Street and 7th, that's a part of Manhattan that's not really touristy.
It's people that live there.
You know what I mean?
You're going to have the neighborhood come out.
So it's up to you what you want.
Now, what about this, though?
Do you...
I haven't been on Caroline.
Personally, I like them both, but personally, I feel comfortable at Gotham just because I've, in the last couple of years, I've been performing there a lot more than Caroline's.
But I don't think you can go wrong either way.
Caroline's is awesome, too.
I mean, it's Caroline's is a, they're both iconic New York clubs and the only places you can go to headline in New York.
Yeah, I've never been to Caroline's.
That's why I was.
You've never even been inside it?
I mean, it's dope.
It's like right in Times Square.
It's fucking huge.
Is it?
You know, you go down these stairs and whole shit opens up.
And it's Mafia Rand, so it's kind of old school.
Is it pretty wide like Gotham or is it deep or is it what's it like?
It's deeper than Gotham, for sure deeper than Gotham.
Gotham is wide.
Carolines is deep.
Okay.
Yeah.
Just thinking about that.
Yeah.
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And now back to myself and Mr. Chris.
Yeah, I don't know about that Chris Hanson thing.
I don't know if I should, maybe I should, I don't know if I should, I don't need to reach out to him and ch you think.
What did he text you?
He just texted I don't think I don't think it's not on you anymore, man.
You know?
I mean, when did he text you?
He's probably asking for money.
A month ago.
He was asking for Luffy.
Or a month ago.
No, that would have been great, though, if he was.
As long as you're check clear from him, he was going to push the show and stuff like that.
He didn't text me this week.
Oh, I thought you said that.
Did he ever push the show out?
Did he do it?
No, he didn't.
Oh, yeah, all right.
We had a question that came in in the last hour for Chris, so I haven't even heard it.
Okay, let's fire it.
Hey, Theo.
Hey, Chris.
This is Landon from Kansas City, Missouri.
And I was calling in about a question for Chris.
But first, I just wanted to start by saying that I seen Theo on your little show there, Chris, and you were making fun of the Rat King's hair.
You better leave it alone.
You better leave him alone.
All right?
And I just wanted to say that you look Dutch, and you look like an aerodynamic Dutch person at that.
You sure do.
I've seen a four.
On another note, I just wanted to know, how old were you when you got into comedy?
And what attracted you to comedy?
Thank you.
First of all, that kid is a fucking menace.
Yeah.
And needs to be on the left.
That's a fucking boy right there, dude.
What do you mean?
It's probably your son, dude.
You've been fucking praying out every day.
Somebody needs to fucking start pumping Riddling through that dude's air conditioner vents.
He needs to calm the fuck down.
That kid looks just like him, bro.
Yo, that kid, look at his nose, man.
He's got lumped the fuck up.
Bro, it's what happens when you don't know who your dad is, dude.
It kids beat you up a lot.
I like this kid, though.
He's a good kid.
I like this.
This is my kind of kid.
I started comedy when I was 25 years old is the age I started.
And then I was still doing physical therapy.
I'm sorry, 24. I was still doing physical therapy until I was about 28. And then I started doing professionally since 28. 28 years old.
Yeah.
I was trying to think of what else I was going to say.
How old are you?
30?
I'm 38. 38. Yeah, I'm 34. We're about the same age, bro.
Yeah.
Do you ever think about leaning into the doctorate thing and being like some type of funny?
Like a Dr. Drew type cat?
Or like a Dr. Oz?
I feel like you got more qualifications than that guy.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, you know.
Oh, yeah, I could see you having some hilarious physical therapy videos online.
Yeah.
Hilarious.
I should actually do it.
Yeah, for my career, I should do that fucking shit for real.
I'll just start looking for kids that look like you and fucking.
Where do they mail the sperm to?
Give me a little bit more on the sperm before you go off on this guy's question.
It's not even any good.
You know, I just, whatever, you know, I sploooged into the tube.
And what is it like in there?
They got a tube?
Do you got different tubes?
You have two options, man.
You could either get your prostate pushed on, like a nurse will come in and profess you doing it, and you just sploge it out.
I swear to God.
It's like a technique that these nurses are just good at.
Damn.
Just get the splooge out if you don't want to masturbate.
If I've ever heard it, dude, somebody pushing and what, you got a button in your ass?
Yeah.
And then the other one is they got you go into this room and they got like nudie mags and all that, and then they give you the Wi-Fi.
My place had the Wi-Fi and you could jerk off on your phone.
Yeah.
Yeah, no problem.
Fuck, how to have.
Is it like a house or is it a doctor's office?
It was a doctor's office.
So it's like just a, you know, you know, secure.
I'm not coming in a place like that.
I would come at somebody's house if it were like a D, you know, like, if you have your own room or something.
I'm not going to just in a doctor's office.
And what, you just let them walk out of the room?
Yeah, I just can't, like, it's if you peeing in a cup, man.
I just came with my glue.
Yeah.
That's so bizarre.
Doesn't that feel crazy even though?
It felt wild.
Well, the reason why it all started is because when I got my, my kid's mom got pregnant, you know, she had taken like a plan B after it.
And I had gotten another girl pregnant like four years before that.
So it was like this, and she was on birth control.
So it was like some weird shit.
And the doctor, the OBGYN, was like, you know, you should get your sperm checked.
Like that's, that's abnormal.
So I went and got my sperm checked and I donated it.
And so they had it.
And then when I donated it, they called me into the office like three days later.
And then we said a good bet.
They had a good bet.
Well, they said to me, like, there was three doctors that came in and they said, listen, they opened up.
They said, where were you born?
And I said, Queens, St. John's Hospital, Queens, New York.
They said, are you sure?
I said, 100%.
And they're like, well, like, you verify it.
Can you verify it with your mom or dad?
And I said, yeah.
Well, they thought you were somebody else.
Well, I called my mom and I was like, where was I born?
She said, St. John's Hospital, Queens, New York.
And I said, are you sure?
You're not lying to me?
Like, I wasn't adopted?
She's like, no, I swear to God, you weren't adopted.
So I said, what's going on?
I started to get nervous.
And he said, well, I have three times the amount of sperm in every load.
I mean, he was, you know, he was, I forgot what technical term he is.
Who is the guy?
No, he's.
Say his name.
He was a Chris Hansen.
And so, so, so he told me I have three times the amount of sperm.
So he asked me if I was born in.
How do they notice by how much it weighs?
No.
So they thought maybe I was born in Russia near Chernobyl.
And then they thought that maybe I had a tumor on something.
But what they found out was, is that I have an overactive Cowper's gland, it's called.
Cowper's gland, it's like what makes your sperm.
And so my thing is, is I make a lot of sperm.
You got that hot cowper's glass.
So I got that hot cowper.
So I can get a girl pregnant.
The doctor explained to me, they said, you're the guy.
If a girl's looking to conceive a child, she wants a guy like you.
But if you're looking to have like just one night stands and have sex all night, you're not the guy.
Because when I shoot it out, it takes a long time for my cowper's gland to refuel my jiz.
And as I've gotten old.
It's a Cecil Fielder.
Exactly.
And as I've gotten older.
It's definitely, it's Cecil Fielder, but it's a little slow.
Yeah.
So as I've gotten older, it's been taken, it takes longer and longer.
So after I bust a nut, no matter what, it takes a few days for me to gatch an erection again.
So, but if I want to have children, I can get girls pregnant instantly.
You know, it's going to happen.
Wow.
Because it's a very high chance.
So you're kind of, yeah, you should do a tour India or something, dude.
Yeah, dude.
Like, you can freaking definitely start banging out, right?
Or just, I mean, for 100, you might as well go door to door and at least know what's going on and get some of the joy out of it.
Yeah.
Instead of throwing a whole batch to some dude for $125, I just can't believe you don't think more than that.
And it got taxed on that.
Yeah.
And it got taxed.
In New York, I said, dude, you're looking at $35.
You're looking at $90.
Yeah, bro.
I didn't get shit.
And did you just drive over there?
No, I took the train.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It was in Midtown Manhattan.
Where was this?
Auschwitz?
Who the fuck takes a train to fucking jerk off there for 90 bucks?
Yo, man, Louis C.K. Yeah, that's true.
That's true.
He does it on the train.
What if his closer, Louis C.K.'s closer, when he does another special?
Yeah.
He's just like, hey, I just want to let everybody know in here that I'm about to jerk off, right?
And you can stay if you want, right?
And then the lights just go off.
And he's just on the stage.
I would love it.
I would love it, man.
That'd be dope.
That'd be tackling the shit head on.
And it's called You Can Stay If You Want.
You can stay if you want.
That's what the special is called.
Would you watch it?
I would 100% watch it.
I like Lucy K's comedy.
Yeah, dude.
He's one of the greatest of all time.
Would you watch it in one of those interactive theaters like 4D?
100% with those Oculus virtual reality cognitions and just get fucking sploooged on?
100%.
No, that's not part of it.
It's just you would be able to hear it better.
You're my fault, man.
I'm hungry.
I'm looking to nibble on some shit.
I'm hungry, too.
Have you eaten?
No.
You got to go straight to the airport?
Yeah.
I'm going to fucking go.
I would have loved to have.
You see that car right there, Daryl Strawberry?
You weren't there that day when I ran into Daryl Ohio on cocaine, were you?
No, but he was coked out of his fucking mind.
Oh, you were coked out of your mind.
Yeah, I saw the pictures of it.
Yeah, let's talk about Opie real quick.
Yeah, let's do it.
When was the last time that you went?
Because the show, I was out of town and then the show just shut down.
The last time I went on Opie in Sirius was one of his last episodes.
Yeah, because we're pretty cool.
But I've done his podcast.
He has a podcast now, I do.
Well, I like Opium.
I'm grateful.
He's giving me great opportunities.
I mean, he's just had a, you know, he had a kind of a sordid ending over there.
Yeah, because it was kind of abrupt and whacked.
But I still do Jim and Sam, too.
It's all love over there.
It's like, for the most part, you know, they may have their issues, but for the comedians, like, they've kept us out of it.
And, like, we can, we're free to roam on both dude shows.
Yeah.
So it's pretty awesome.
You know what?
That is pretty cool, actually.
That both, yeah, like, yeah, like Jim and Opie seem to like not get along.
Yeah.
But that, yeah, they never seemed like, oh, you were on that guy's thing.
Nah, they don't feel that way, man.
They ain't petty.
No, they ain't petty.
They're not petty.
At least not for me.
You know, so it's dope.
That's the same, man.
Do you miss the show?
I do.
I do, because I feel like, you know, it was fun.
We would go in there in the mornings or afternoons.
You know, the vibe was dope.
You know, like we'd go on YouTube, fuck around, meet all kinds of people.
And now it's like, you know, it's a little different in New York.
Like, you know, it's like you guys feel like you have like this, you know, you have podcasting networks and you're, you know, Fighter and the Kid is right across the hall.
It's not like that in New York.
Like people are doing podcasts in their apartments or in a studio where it's just them that's sharing office space.
So it's like Sirius XM was dope and Opie Show was dope because like you would be in there doing somebody else's show and then walk past Opie and he'd call you in.
It was like this open door policy that's kind of gone now.
Oh, I felt like I'd arrived, man, when I got on that show.
Yeah, it was so nice to be able to just go in there and it was, yeah, and that's how I met you.
That's how Mark Norman and I even became buddies, even though we grew up in the, you know, in the same area.
There was so many people I met in there.
I got to talk to Danny McBride in there.
We were on the phone.
I was with you, yeah.
Have you ever met him?
I met him one time after that.
He was dope?
It was really quick.
I just got a picture with him in Montreal last year.
Oh, shit.
I wonder if he remembers that phone call.
Probably not.
That was probably the 10th phone call he did that day.
And I said something stupid, too.
Like, I was like getting a picture.
He's like, yeah.
Oh, dude.
And I kind of didn't know what to say right before.
And I was like, oh, I think I'm going to say this.
And then he's like, how's the day?
Everything going good for you?
You know, we're just taking a picture.
He's saying like small talk.
And I was like, yeah, man, a lot of ladies up here.
You know, good thing I brought my dick.
And he didn't say anything.
Yeah.
So they were sitting there smiling right after I said that.
And it was so uncomfortable.
It felt horrible.
And right when I didn't get any reaction from him, I was like, I'm never going to be in a movie with him.
I'm never going to see him.
I'm never going to get to donate sperm in his area.
Dude, the other day I was doing Doug Loves movies at UCB Franklin, and it was so fun.
Doug's a fucking man.
And I was doing UCB Franklin, which is like, you know, they're great fans over there.
But it's like, you know, they're real PC.
And I just forgot.
Because New York, you can just say shit.
It's not as PC as it is out here.
But out there, I was like telling some story about how I was at a play once and like my boys were like, look at this girl's ass.
And in New York, it's like, it gets a laugh.
But there they're like, oh, like it got real uncomfortable and I started bombing, you know, because it was like just objectifying women.
And, you know, in New York, people, even women were like, just laugh.
But out there, they were like, you fucking pig piece of shit.
Like, you're the problem.
Yeah.
And I was like, oh, boy.
But it's crazy because as you drive over to the part of town, all the billboards are objectifying women.
Of course.
Instagram, it's all bullshit.
That's the thing, the theme.
Nobody cares.
It's all bullshit.
It's like, if you're a person that you're like spilling your agenda to me, I stay away from you because I'm like, you're hiding shit.
You're just hiding shit.
Well, I just hope to be able to just be in a good place.
And just I just want to learn as I go, you know, and I just, I mean, I get stressed out.
Well, that's one thing that's different recently.
It's just been more stressed.
You stressed it.
Why, bro?
It's just a lot going on, you know?
It's stressful.
And I've never had anybody where I work together.
You know, Nick and I worked, you know, so Nick's in here.
So like, sometimes I don't communicate well with him.
And then it's like, you know, I'm stressed.
And then it's like, the only person I talk to, I mean, Nick's like pretty much my girlfriend almost, you know?
But you do, I mean, you're making money now.
You're doing like real shit.
You're doing what you want.
You can do whatever you want now.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I don't know.
So I don't know what it is sometimes.
It's like, well, what's making me?
Well, just think about, just, just, just, you know, ask 10 years ago, Theo, if he would be stressed.
If you told Theo 10 years ago, you're going to have all this.
I think he would be like, oh, my God, I'd be over the moon.
If you told me I could have that, I'd have no problems.
Well, now you're here.
So now you're just creating problems.
You don't have any problems.
You've made it in many ways.
So you should just take comfort in that and just, you know, because there's a lot of people that would do anything to have what you have.
So I think it's important for us to check ourselves every, you know, so often, every two, three months, whatever you want to do, calibrate it.
But you got to check yourself and be like, oh, how would that latest version of me feel about what this new version has?
They'd probably be happy about it.
So let's take comfort in that.
Yeah.
It's new problems, but it's all good problems.
Champagne problems, motherfucker.
That's a good...
I want to fucking kiss you on the lips.
You wear an underwear?
Huh?
Yeah, I'm wearing Miandis, dude.
They were one of our sponsors, but Tommy John deserted us.
Tommy John?
No, that's surgery.
Bro, Tommy Johnson.
I'll say this right here, but it's a good way to think about the past and think about now.
I don't feel any different.
I just feel like, yeah, I just want to be funny, you know?
But you are, though.
But I want to be, yeah.
Your fan, my point is, like, your fans are invested now.
Your fans aren't going anywhere.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
They're not going anywhere.
So they fuck with you.
Neither is Miundi's, by the way.
We're still part of Miundi's fam.
Oh, really?
Yeah, we got some coming up.
Oh, Miunti's?
Oh, thank you, Miyundi's.
Yo, you said to the same boy pair?
XL?
We might have, oh, double XL, bro.
I don't know.
308 waste.
38 waste.
Yeah, why?
So you can pull them down and just come into a cup somewhere for 90 bucks.
Dude, you should do that at the meet and greet after your show.
Just bust into a cup.
Yo, that'll go viral.
I'm going to start doing it on my podcast, just coming on the pod.
Yeah.
I haven't been on Opie's News Show.
Have you been on it?
Yes.
Yeah, I've been on.
I'm doing it next week.
It's just a podcast.
You know, one of the podcasts we did, we just walk around New York City, so it was kind of dope.
But now he's got a studio.
I think it's Westwood One Podcast Studio.
And it's doing well.
I mean, you know.
People love Opie.
Opie's all good, brother.
I mean, it's got an eight-bedroom apartment in the upper west side.
I mean, Opie's doing well.
Oh, is that where he lives at?
Yeah, OP crushed it.
New can say what you want about Opie.
I mean, he fucking crushed it in this radio game.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
Millions of dollars.
I'm not saying anything about OP.
No, no, no, I'm saying, but you know how fans are.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, people get...
Yeah.
You know, if there was no Howard Stern, you might have been all about Opie.
Yeah, I was trying to think of some things that are really like positives for him.
And I was thinking he met Carl.
Carl Ruiz, yeah.
Yeah.
And they love doing stuff together.
Absolutely.
Now Carl's divorced and lives in the woods.
So it's like, yo, you know what I mean?
Sometimes your shit just spins out.
Hey, bro.
Yo, I love Carl, man.
Oh, Carl, dude.
He's a fucking dude.
At least he can cook.
Yo, he just fucking, he does cocaine off hot dogs and then eats the hot dogs.
Yo, he's fucking wild.
Oh, dude.
And he legit got divorced and lives in a cabin in the woods.
And he's like, I'm killing it.
And I believe him.
Oh, bro.
He comes out with just sandals and socks on.
We used to do that shit, bro.
It's called a Somalian Wildfire.
You do cocaine off a hot dog and fucking eat it.
Yeah, dude.
Somalian wildfire.
It's so hard to eat it after, bro.
The last thing you want in your mouth after you've had some Coke is that fucking hot dog.
That fucking hot dog.
Yeah, you know?
For some fellas, anyway.
Yeah, I fucking deep-doed that shit right now.
Well, I'm not going to do that.
Chris DeStefano, thanks for coming, man.
Thanks for having me, brother.
Yeah, this is cool.
Yo, I got my special coming out, size 38 waist, Comedy Central.
What a great term.
Yeah, brother.
Rare size.
38 waist, bro.
Chrissy bitch hips.
I mean, you were built like a fucking Rubik's Cube.
Dude, I'm like a stepmom.
I got a stepmom ass.
You wear mom jeans.
I got that stepmother vibe.
Yeah.
Wow.
You should wear an apron.
I bet you wear an apron.
I do, bro.
Bro, most coats I wear, they have to cover my ass.
I'm rocking trench coats usually 12 months out of the year.
I got to cover that butt up.
Look at the wheelbase on that bad boy.
Yo, and then check my podcast, History Hyenas.
History Hyenas with you and Giannis Papas.
And your special is coming out on the 18th.
Friday, January 18th.
Awesome.
That's tomorrow.
That's tomorrow, baby.
Oh, shit.
When does this shit come out?
Next week.
Next week?
This actually is going to come out February 7th.
We had a bunch in the can, but we'll put it out on all your social things.
Yeah, put it on social media.
And also, you know, it came out already, but you can see it on ComedyCentral.com.
It's streaming now.
ComedyCentral.com and the Comedy Central app.
It's streaming right now, my special, size 38 ways.
Check that.
Check it out.
Yeah, size 38 Ways.
I'm excited to check it out, man.
Thanks for coming, dude.
Thanks for having me.
Bobby helped me think about stuff.
Of course, brother.
We're out here.
Now, I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking break and let myself unwind shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song out.
I was singing just for you.
And now I've been moving way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of my hands.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweet.
Is it there?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John Main.
I'll take a quarter pottle of cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
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