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June 11, 2018 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
01:45:50
Bald is Beautiful | This Past Weekend #103

Back from Oklahoma. Talking Uncle Joey and Netflix. Men with too much titty and not enough hair. And names that are actually weapons.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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What are they gonna do about us, man?
That's what I ask sometimes, you know.
I say, what are they going to do about us?
I say, what are they going to do?
I say, what are they going to do?
And that is uh, that is Brad Levine with Better Off Barefoot right now, right there.
And what are they gonna do about us?
That's what I ask myself sometimes.
You know, that used to be a driving force in me a lot when I was young.
You know, I'd ask myself, what are they gonna do about me?
You know, I'd think about that in the world, you know, and I would try to inspire myself and I'd have those M ⁇ M moments, you know, or them easy E moments when I was, you know, you know, bustling through the neighborhood by my lonesome, just out there all lonely legged, just moving one foot in front of the other, you know, just with that swaggy neck.
When you, you know, you kind of, you put your chin up, you walk chin first, you know, when you get your swag, you get your neck all swaggy, and you walk chin first.
And you think to yourself, what are they going to do about me?
You know, what's the world going to do about me?
Because I'm not going to give up.
They're going to have to do something.
They're going to have to put me down.
They're going to have to old yellow your boy.
They're going to have to hit me with that euthanasia if they're going to stop me.
Because I'm not.
I'm not going to stop by myself.
I used to think about that when I was young, you know, when I had that, you know, that wild swagger.
You know, you got that fuck the world.
Fuck the world swagger.
And that used to be the thing that would drive me.
You know, it used to be, man, every other vertebrae of my spine was just, you know, it was like Marshall Math.
It looked like just like a little picture of Marshall Mathers, then a vertebrae.
It would be like L1, Marshall Mathers.
L3, Marshall Mathers.
L5, Marshall Mathers.
S1, on up my vertebrae through that whole spinal column.
And that's who I, you know, I just had that gr.
I had that angst in me.
And that's what drove me, you know, a lot of times when I was young was that angst, that fire.
You know, me asking the world, you know, at the root of me, I was asking the world, what are y'all going to do about me?
How y'all going to stop me?
And that used to be some anger and some swagger that I used to run with.
Thank you guys for being here today.
You know, I'm happy.
I'm happy to be here with you guys.
I just got back from Oklahoma City.
Sorry, I just got back from Arklahoma up there in the corner of Arkansas and Oklahoma.
You know, it's, they got a lot of wheat up there.
They got a lot of hay.
I mean, you see a hay bale.
You driving, you driving, and suddenly you see, you know, six or seven hay bales.
You know, you see a couple people ducked off behind a hay bale, maybe, you know, you know, tugging on a pack of Winstons.
You see somebody ducked off behind a hay bale, maybe, you know, hugging their sister a little too hard.
Or you see, you know, a couple siblings back there.
You see, you know, maybe you see somebody, you know, supposed to be working, they ducked off behind a hay bale.
And they, you know, they're test driving a couple of daydreams.
But that's what you would see with these hay bales.
I mean, when you get these hay bales going, hay bale is just a place to hide.
A hay bale, especially in flat, flat terrain, a hay bale is just a soft little bitty mountain that is flammable and that horses will eat.
And you set a hay bale anyway.
You know, if you got an open field, you put a hay bale out in the middle of it, suddenly you got something to hide behind.
Anything can happen behind there.
Sorcery, wizardry, or light wizardry.
What else?
You could protect yourself from the winds behind a hay bale.
You could grow plants that need shade.
You could do it behind a hay bale.
There's a lot of things you can do when you got that hay bale.
So sometimes if you're driving past on the road and you look at a hay bale, you're like, what the fuck, dude?
That's just a bunch of grass got together in a damn gangbang.
But when you really get out there and look, you know, and you see what a hay bale is, you see, oh, this is, you know, this thing provides possibility.
Because you don't know what's going on on the other side of that hay bale.
You don't know what's going on on the other side of that HBZ.
But man, I had a good weekend out there.
I had a really good weekend out there.
And I'm happy to be home.
And I'm tired.
Dude, I'm freaking tired, dude.
I'm tired.
But we had a good show out there.
We had a good show out there.
We sold it out.
I want to thank everybody that came out out there.
And somebody hit the hotline with this right here.
What's up, Theo?
This is Brian from Arkansas, man.
I'm just calling.
I just got done watching your show.
You fucking annihilated, man.
And I stuck around for a little bit.
I didn't know where you were going to be coming out.
I wish I would have got to meet you, man.
But I just wanted to call Jay.
Thanks for the show.
It's fucking awesome, man.
And let Mr. Shao know that I'm going to be catching him next month when he comes to, man.
You got it, brother.
Thank you.
Thank you for that message, and I enjoyed it, dude.
I enjoyed it out there.
A lot of good people came out, you know, a lot of good people out there holding hands, and you know, a lot of just they had one dude had real, look like he had a bunch of ant bites on his arms.
But you know what?
I'll still, I'll let that dude hug me one time.
I said, Damn, boy, you know, I'll write, you know, wrap me up in them big bite burritos.
He had these big arms, these big, long, just like a damn, you know, I mean, it was just like being wrapped in each one of each one of his arms was probably three feet long.
So he just put me in this big, it was just like six feet of just ant-bitten burrito, just real white and just hella ant bites.
Like this dude had just been, you know, playing Sims on his arms, but with ants.
And it was, you know, they had a lot of people came out.
And I will tell Brendan Schaub that you guys will come see him as well.
I know he's going to be heading there soon for, I think, his second or third visit, the Beast Ding Daddy from the Fighter and the Kid.
But man, I'll tell you this.
I went to see Joey Diaz, surprised him up there on Monday, last Monday.
And man, it was great.
You know, because Joey has this special thing.
If you're not familiar with Joey Diaz and you need to go check him out, he's one of a kind.
You know, he's like, he's from like another, it's almost like he's like the emerging of a couple of different generations.
Because he's got this old school generation where it's, you know, he's about honor and he's about his word.
But then he's got this new school generation where he's, you know, all in the psychedelics and thinking and like and experimenting.
And then he's got the kind of the 70s kind of trapped in him where he's all about like free love and just bringing everybody into the fold.
He's just, you know, he's multi-generational.
And he's got that special gift.
And he was shooting a special for Netflix.
And Netflix is a television channel, but it's on your computer.
And now it's actually back on your television now, which is pretty bizarre, isn't it?
It's like TV came off a TV on your computer.
And then now it's like, oh, go and get, now you can get the computer over on the TV.
Remember where you used to get it?
But now it's like they took it and reshaped it and just, and now it's back over there.
And he was taping a Netflix special for them.
And it was great, man.
He didn't know I was coming up and I rolled up there.
And, you know, they have productions.
So you get there and they have an audience waiting outside.
Some white dude, some Muppet had gotten, you know, the heater had gotten him was in Vegas.
So either the heat had got him or maybe a hooker had bit him.
You know, something had happened to him and, you know, and he hit the ground.
The EMTs are out there.
But, you know, a couple of the EMTs, they're probably, you know, cooking dope on the side and shit because it's Vegas.
You know what I'm saying?
Everybody, somebody's a school teacher, but they selling a little bit of freaking warm lip out the back door.
You know, they escorting.
So it's anything is possible.
You know, they're selling a little couple slices of that.
Mama's got that sweat wallet and she's vending that thing after school.
You know, she's putting people in a detention in her crotch because that's how they make that extra money.
That's Vegas.
And that's, you know, I mean, the Vegas is basically just a buffet for the dark arts.
You get anything you want over there.
You can go rappelling off of a crack rock if you want.
And that reminds me of a story of my sister one time.
She, and I don't think I'm talking outside of school.
I mean, my sister and I, you know, she knows I love her and we share stories, but she got caught up on some of that dust or something back in the day.
You know, she was just, you know what I'm saying?
She was just, she was all about that.
She was all about that.
Give me a D, give me a U, give me a S, give me a T. On that dust.
And she had a boyfriend and that's what happened.
You know, because sometimes the man will be all, he'll be dusted up.
You know, he'll be running around and he'll have, you know, dusty ideas.
And then the lady will fall in love with the man and then she'll get caught, you know, she'll get some of that dust in her eyes.
And that's just a byproduct of the love that she expresses for the man.
And that's what happened with my sister.
And so she fell in with some man and they was getting dusted up or something.
And he took her rock climbing.
And look, dude, I think it's crazy to be, first of all, you introducing somebody to rock, you know, to some type of dust or methamphetamines.
And then secondarily to then physically take them rock climbing.
I mean, that's, I mean, what is that?
What would Freud say about that?
You know, when you introducing somebody to a couple of grams and then you introducing somebody to a couple of, you know, stalagtites of granite, from grams to granite, baby, you know what I'm saying?
We getting dusted and we and we going spelunking.
And so that's what happened.
But anyway, my sister went rock climbing and they ended up climbing up to a, what's it called?
When people are eating, whatever you can see their vagina nudist colony.
She got taken up to a nudist colony and they were having a, they were grilling out.
They were doing barbecue.
Because even the naked, the naked like to eat.
I mean, and you got to think about that, boy.
If you take your clothes off, the first thing I want, boy, I feel embarrassed for about 30 seconds after that.
Give me a fucking McRib, baby.
Give me a, uh, me a round.
Because, boy, I swear, dude, if I don't have to worry about getting some on my shirt, that's the beauty about eating naked.
Boy, a sloppy Joe.
And now, if I, if I got on a nice, uh, you know, if I got on a nice 700, you know, count, you know, or if I got on a nice like 80, 80 count threadbare shirt or something, you know, or a multifaceted, you know, collared shirt, shirt that has a couple of levels, you know, got that business top piece, that collar.
Yeah, then I might not enjoy a chili dog the right way.
Or I might stick my neck out and eat it away from my body.
But boy, you get me naked, motherfucker, I want a sloppy Joe.
You know what I'm saying?
dude.
I'll let you throw handfuls of fucking warm meat into my mouth from about two feet away.
You know what I'm saying?
I'll take that prime rib from close range because I don't care about getting it on my clothes at that point.
You know, and that's the crazy thing.
We buy these clothes and then, you know, because we want to look nice and then we have to eat all uncomfortably to keep the spillage off of our clothes.
Because look, I don't trust somebody that don't put a little bit of condiments on their meat.
If you ain't putting fucking, if you don't put condiments on your meat or condiments on your, you know, vegetables or salads, if you eat dry, you eating dry salad?
Oh, was your stepdaddy a rabbit?
Huh?
Do your mother live at, I don't know, Mr. McGregor's Garden, Unit 704?
No, you need to put condiments on anything you're having.
You got to juice things up.
But so when you don't have that, when you're naked, you'll eat something full throttle.
Boy, I'll take that shit straight to my face because I don't care if I get a little bit of meat on my neck.
You don't care if I get a little bit of sloppy Joe, you know, coagulated up in my navel.
Because I'll just, dude, I'll scoop a fucking hit of, dude, I'll scoop a small baby hit of warm yams out of my navel and take that shit into my jaw.
Because that's who I am, baby.
What they gonna do about it?
How they gonna stop me?
How they gonna stop me?
But my sister, you know, they got out there and this was a nudist colony and they cooking, they out there grilling.
And she said they were grilling fresh franks, you know, hot dogs, winers.
And they out there, you know, they got a fresh batch of, you know, polished sausages and winers, and everybody's out there eating them.
And I'll be dang, dude.
Her boyfriend, this dude, you know, and he was busted up on them boulders, on them baby boulders, you know, heating them up with a lighter and taking them into his brain.
You know, that baby boulder smoke just and letting the squirrels run through his fucking cerebralities.
And this dude's out there and he's taking my sister to a nudist colony weenie grill out.
And honestly, it sounds like a fun ass date.
It sounds like something you'd pay extra to go to at one of these raves.
You know, for an extra $150, you can get that special nudist colony wristband.
Well, we'll take you guys behind the gymnasium.
They got about 50 naked people hopped up on Molly, you know, grilling up a package of them Johnston brats.
And my stepdad used to grill up Johnston Brats for us all the time.
And he drove an old cop car, dude.
And everybody in the neighborhood thought he was a cop, but he wasn't.
He just got that shit at auction.
And so, you know, he got a discount on that car, but I'll be damned if we didn't get off frisked.
Everywhere we went, people frisking me thought I had a wire on.
Saying that's my daddy.
I barely know him, dude.
He owns a car wash, and he's been making love to my mother.
That's our only connection.
So why are you frisking me?
And also, why are you a 40?
Why is this 40-year-old man frisking me?
Saying he thinks I'm a narc.
A narc for what, bitch?
I'm nine years old.
I'm 11 player.
I ain't narking.
So anyway, man, but my sister, yeah, you know, what was I talking about?
I don't know.
But yeah, dude, they took, you know, like my sister, she got caught up out there on a little bit of that, you know, on a little bit of that, you know, that face fire, on a little bit of that and dust.
And she ended up going, she went up, she went rock climbing up to a nudist colony and ended up having lunch out there with them.
And in hindsight, look, at least the guy took her to do things.
You know?
And you can say that's messed up, but also, I bet there's a lot of people sitting around out there jealous right now that your man or your woman's never took you out there for anything special like that.
Never took you out there for anything brave and did a little bit of bravery.
But yeah, my sister was brave like that, man.
One of my sisters is brave like that.
She likes to get out there and be out there like that.
But yeah, thanks for calling and thanks for coming out there to Oklahoma.
You know, they had a lot of good people came out.
Dude had ant bites on his arms.
You know, we had a couple of beautiful multiracial couples.
You know, and I like seeing that beige power.
That's where I'm at.
Because the future, bro, that shit is of the future is mauve.
You know, the future is a little bit, is mildly copper.
You know, the future's got that, you know, it's multifaceted.
You know, the future is multifaceted because they got a lot of people out there trying to get theirs.
And those people are all different colors.
You know, all different shades.
And those people are the ones that that's the team I'm on right there.
People are out there trying to get theirs.
You know, and you ain't got to cripple nobody in your wake.
You know, you don't have to run around with a, with a, um, with a wheelbarrow of plaster of Paris and, you know, and just be crippling people in your wake and then putting them into casts, you know, and patching people up after you fucking them up to get yours.
You don't have to do that.
You know, you can make your way.
You can make your way with others.
And that's what I realized, dude, because, you know, I get in some of these places and it's, you know, I just, you know, I notice the things that get me are there's a lot of people out there that don't want to try.
You know, and it's unfortunate if they can't try, if they, you know, if there's something preventing them from making an effort, if they have fear.
But some people, they just, they don't want to.
They want to stay where they are.
And you can stay where you are physically.
That's fine.
But you can't stay where you are everywhere.
I don't think that that's, I don't think that that's using the gift that we have here, this time here.
I don't think it is.
You know, if you're not trying to make a move even emotionally, you're not trying to stay in motion intellectually, you know, you're not trying to challenge yourself in some type of way.
That's my thing, man.
You know, I can't, I can't, you know, I'm just realizing I don't have the I don't have the time, I don't have the effort to just mill around, you know.
We got to be moving.
We have to be trying to grow, you know, we have to, we got to, because if not, what are we doing?
You know, it's interesting.
They say that the universe expands constantly.
So I'm going to sit here and do nothing, huh?
Or I'm going to get out there and I'm going to go spelunk until I find a dang nudist colony that's grilling up a bag of Johnson rats.
And you can see everybody's crotch at the same time.
Gang, gang.
I mean, if that ain't beauty, I don't know what is.
But it's about, I think that universe thing is just a clue for us.
You have to expand.
You got to grow.
You know, you got to grow.
There's too much opportunity these days to just completely stay stagnant.
And sometimes it's tough.
Look, it's easier said than done.
But the thing is, is just take one little step, one little move in front of the other.
You know, because even old Aunt Arms, even old Aunt Arms came out to the show and got his laughter and got that Calamine lotion of love in his ears.
And that's what laughter is.
You know?
And that's what we got to do.
We got to stay.
We got to stay healing.
We got to stay moving forward.
You know, we can do it.
We can do it, man.
But I had a great time and I appreciate that call.
But I went up there and I surprised Joey Diaz.
I know I'm in and out of things here, but that's how I am.
And especially, look, I'm trying to get settled, dude.
I've been all over the place.
Last week I went to, I don't even know where.
And then Monday I came and went to went over to Vegas and then we got Oklahoma.
And then this coming weekend, I'll be in Calgary.
And that's Canada.
So, dude, I'm straight up jumping continents, baby.
Yeah, I'll be in Calgary.
And then I'll be at Timbler Brewing in Bakersfield next weekend.
And that is sold out, but they added a second show.
And so that's what's up.
What else?
But I went and saw Joey Diaz.
And man, he just, you know, he's that special level of human.
He's so multifaceted.
And we got to watch him tape his Netflix special.
And that was cool.
You know, because especially after all that hard work, there's that thing where you want that.
You know, you never know what's going to make a comedian or a person or a father or a businessman or a banker or a delivery boy.
You never know what they're, you know, what's the thing that's going to make them feel complete.
You never know.
You never know what's going to make them feel, you know, complete.
What's going to make them feel that little thing is out there that's going to make them feel like, oh, I do my job well.
You know, it might be that you're, you know, you might be somebody that, you know, you might be somebody that paints.
And everybody's trying to get you to paint this and paint that.
You know, oh, won't you paint this picture of these apples?
Paint this bowl of fruit.
I'm shocked at the level of people that fucking paint fruit.
I mean, that's crazy when you think about it.
Think how many pictures of fruit are out there.
And every now and then, somebody pick up some paints and some poster board and thinks they're going to do it different or better.
Hello?
There's about 11 million pictures of fruit.
You fuck.
And Muppet?
Are you a Muppet?
Do you have Jim Henson's hand up your ass?
Because they already have 11 million pictures of fruit and you're going to get out there and you're going to do that banana different?
I doubt that.
And so it's, you know, sometimes like, but you don't know when that painter, people tell him to paint this, paint that.
And you don't know for him, he might want to paint a house.
He might want to spray paint his stepmother.
You know, he might want to wake old Janet up with a couple of, with that can of, remember that spray paint?
It used to have a marble in it.
So you knew when somebody about to light you up, boy.
And then, that shit, boy, dude, you could spray paint somebody's eyes shut.
They had this boy in our neighborhood growing up.
They called him Dark Benjamin.
And it wasn't a black kid.
It was a boy and somebody spray painted.
They'd lacquered his fucking eyes shut so bad, dude.
They were closed for about six weeks because his dad got pissed.
He didn't want anybody touching his son after that.
And he said, don't anybody touch him.
And the mom was like, well, you know, they shut it.
They, you know, they spray painted his eyes shut.
And the dad's like, I don't give a damn what they did.
Don't touch him.
And so then freaking Dark Benjamin had to just chill out, bruh.
You know, and I remember his mom even, he was probably eight years old.
His mom put him in a damn baby stroller and took him around for safety.
And then he hit a growth spurt, even while his dad was out of town just for about six weeks, he hit a growth spurt.
And they put him on a little dolly, like one of those little hand truck, one of those little dollies you use to move a bunch of boxes at once where you set them and you lean that metal thing back and it kind of props them.
It's got two wheels.
And dude, Dark Benjamin, his mom and his aunt, who was, you know, honestly fully lesbian, they were pushing on, you know, they'd be pushing, just wheeling Dark Benjamin around because they had his eyes all caulked shut.
You know, from, because they spray painted over his eyes with one of those hard cans of lacquer.
Hold on, I got to turn the lights on in here.
All right, I'm back.
Anyhow, what was I saying?
So, so yeah, you just never, but you never know what somebody's, you know, what their, What's their magnum opus?
What's the thing that makes them feel, oh, okay, I did it?
You know, it might be if you're a pizza delivery boy, for you, it might be, okay, if I get to deliver pizza and then I get invited into a threesome or something, you know?
Or maybe somebody lets me, you know, maybe somebody lady's going to lay there naked and let me look at her junk while she have a couple slices.
You know, it might be something like that.
You never know.
For the painter person, it might be, okay, yeah, they paint somebody's eyes shut.
Or maybe they paint, you know, they paint a whole street in their neighborhood.
They paint it yellow with a can of house paint.
So next thing you know, you got that eggshell yellow street out there.
You just never know.
For them, that might be like, oh, the thing that makes them feel complete.
And so for, yeah, for comedians, you don't know what it is.
For some comedians, it's going on tour.
Once they get to be out on tour, it's, you know, that's their, you know, they had that Kerouac in them, and they just wanted to be on tour and be free and, you know, had that feeling of walking through the airport with their bag in their hand and showing up into a new place to do comedy.
And, you know, that's their thing that makes them feel full.
And to other people, it may be that they have to be on Madison Square Gardens, you know, and they got to be out there on Madison Square Gardens doing it.
For some people, it may be that, you know, they just need to perform for the local garden club and they'll feel complete.
It's just, you don't know what somebody's, you know, what somebody's top gear is, what makes them feel complete.
What answers that question, you know, or acknowledges that fire in them.
You know, what feeds that, how they going to stop me?
What they going to do about me?
You know, until we get to certain parts in our life and that gets fed a little bit.
But I could imagine, I don't know, but I could imagine that Joey Diaz doing a Netflix special, that that was something for him.
You know, and I and for me, and I could be wrong, and I'm happy to be wrong, dude.
Been wrong most of my life.
But I think I felt that a little, that he was, you know, he just felt like it didn't complete him, but just like that it was a stamp of approval, you know, and not from his, look, everybody, everybody, so many people know he's one of the greats, just this industry.
Because this industry isn't, it's not about who's good anymore, who's the best.
This industry is on a something else.
They're doing something else.
And I don't think it's working as effectively because now they're coming across the track because they want to talk to these real boys over here and these real girls over here.
And they want to talk to people who actually have a real story to tell.
They want to talk to people who have a chip on their shoulder because that's where it comes from, man.
For me, that humor, it comes out of it, it's a necessity.
You know, it's just, it's a dandruff.
It's a dandruff of my spirit.
It's something that has to come off of me and has to come out of me just for me to feel okay.
So there it is, man.
But that's a little bit, I guess, of what's been happening this week.
And I just had a great time, man.
I just had such a great time over there in Oklahoma.
We went over to University of Arkansas.
I got to see Bill and Hillary's old fuck pad.
You know, they had the house where Bill and Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton, I guess, I mean, had sex at least once for Chelsea, you know.
But dude, you could tell, boy, when you're riding around that town, you could feel that old Billy was definitely, because they have a lot of hills in that area.
And they got a lot of hay bales.
And I bet they called them hay bills because you could see old Billy, old Billy Kleasy, William Clinton, slipping off behind a hay bale.
You know what I'm saying?
And establishing some real jurisdiction back there.
But it was beautiful, man.
Look, I'll tell you this, beautiful school.
University of Arkansas thought it was going to be like this.
Look, I had my drothers about it.
I had my, you know, I was like, oh, this place is going to be like this or like this.
I mean, you're talking to a, you know, I went to Louisiana State University for a while.
And so certainly even we're a rival.
But man, I was, I was thoroughly impressed.
Beautiful school.
A lot of construction going on.
A lot of different gradients of land.
So you got, you know, a hill will just pop up out of nowhere.
So it just adds some different levels.
You know, and hills, I mean, you know, you got hills.
The good thing about a hill is something can happen behind it.
When you're out there on the flat, flat land, dude, you don't, you know what I'm saying?
You ain't going to have that much fun.
But you got a hill, boy.
Even if you just got a, like I said, if you even just got a hay bale, boy, if you got that little makeshift freaking land pimple, then damn, anything could happen right behind that thing, boy.
But it was nice to see, man.
Look, I'll say this.
Bill and Hillary had a nice little home over there.
You know, they had a nice little home.
And I bet if you get up in there, they probably got some dirt.
I bet they got some dirty drawings and, you know, hidden under the floorboards, a little bit of, you know, some different pictures of Cooter and all of that.
Because I'll say this.
I remember when I was young, they had a man who, and I've told this on Joe Rogan's before, they had this dude named Nick.
And Nick, for $4, would draw you a picture of some, you know, some sweet crotch for the weekend.
So on Thursday night, you give Nick your money.
On Friday, he shows up, you know, with that little hitter, with that baby sketch, you know, that sketch that'll, I mean, this sketch will just, dude, even when you saw him pull the papers out of his pocket, you'd get a little bit erect, you know, and so that was kind of scary because you wanted to get your little picture and go look at it.
And this dude could draw some serious, You know, it was general, it was general labia, you know, I'm not trying to be crass, but it was general labia, general whatever, you know, Huasse.
And he would draw it up, but man, if you got that little, you got one of Nick's little $4 hitters, man, you'd use that thing all weekend.
At 13, 14 years old, dude, I'd rent out the bathroom at my house and just stay in that thing all weekend, just learning about my body.
And so I bet Sweet Billy Clinton had a few of those hidden in the walls over there.
Because there's no denying that that man, you know, prefers female genitalia to his own.
And I think that that's okay, too.
I think that that's okay.
I think it's obviously that he's in an arranged marriage where he's allowed to do that sort of thing.
Or was allowed anyway.
I think it, you know, these days it's these guys are getting a little bit older.
What else, man?
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Let's take this call.
Hey, Theo.
Just want to get your thoughts on something.
I've listened to a lot of your podcasts, and I've noticed that you always talk about how out in Hollywood and LA and it's hard for somebody from the South to kind of get accepted and get jobs.
And also the media kind of knocks on people from the South.
But I wanted to know your thoughts that here in Georgia that Hollywood films a ton of movies in Georgia, and they have studios in Atlanta.
Marvel's done some stuff here.
I know Tyler Perry's got a huge studio here.
And I just wanted to hear your thoughts on that.
They knocked the South so much, but they got no problems coming here and filming all their movies.
No, look, this is a great question.
This is a great comment.
I appreciate you calling about this.
You know, when I was growing up, an escape for me, I didn't like my life when I was growing up, you know, and I didn't feel comfortable.
You know, I grew up in an area that was a lot of poverty, and I'm not, you know, I'm not looking for any sympathy here or empathy.
I don't know which one, actually.
I don't know the difference between them.
But, you know, I grew up scared.
You know, they had a lot of dangerous white kids around me, you know, and they had a lot of dangerous black kids around me.
You know, because when you're in a poor area and there's, you know, extreme poverty, I don't care if those kids are black or white.
A lot of them can be some real assholes.
And it was scary.
It was scary, dude.
I'm not afraid to say that shit now as an adult, man.
It wasn't cool.
You know, it was like staying at a Ramada.
So yeah, it was alarming, man.
And I used television and, you know, things I would see that Hollywood created as like, oh, that's, you know, that's my life.
That's what I could have.
You know, I love storytelling.
I loved all of that.
And so, you know, eventually I, you know, I ended up in Hollywood and I ended up out here.
And I ended up thinking, oh, well, this is a place I can come to all this time.
I could go there and, you know, it always seems like this place where you can go there and make your dreams become a reality.
And, you know, everybody's welcome and this and that.
And then I get there and, you know, it's been tough.
I mean, there's no southern accent.
You cannot find a southern accent on television, I don't feel like.
I mean, especially on network TV.
Name one actor with a southern accent on network television.
In the past 20 years, I can't even name one.
And I'm totally happy to be wrong.
There may be one or two.
I mean, Blake Shelton, you know, he's not an actor, but it's like Reba.
You had Reba, which is one of the best shows ever.
But it's just, you know, it doesn't feel super welcome.
And then you have a lot of, you know, a lot of celebrities make fun of people from other areas of the country that don't live in LA or don't live in New York or don't have a lot of money.
You know, they make fun of people like where I'm from.
You know, and that's, and it just, I don't know, it has left a sore taste in my mouth.
You know, but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop, you know, trying to achieve some of my dreams or achieve some of my goals.
But at the same time, you're right, brother, that Hollywood at the same time, because, you know, California lets so many, you know, they're so open to everyone and so open to this or that or whatever, that they don't get the tax breaks.
It's too expensive to shoot here anymore because the state's, you know, the budget's so bad.
I mean, they're probably, who knows what they spent all the money doing?
I don't know.
Probably cleaning up all the shit in San Francisco off the street.
Dude, have you been to San Francisco?
Well, I don't even recommend it.
It's just people, just judgment and shit on the street.
But I'll say this, man.
But then, so then they'll go to our southern cities and get the tax breaks happily.
Oh, they'll happily come over to Atlanta and get those tax breaks.
They'll happily go shoot in Wilmington, New Orleans.
You know, it's like they just use you.
That's the thing.
It just, so I don't know.
I guess I just feel a little bit, I don't know, I don't feel taken advantage of, but I feel like once you get to Hollywood and you see what's really going on, you see sometimes the hypocrisy of it.
And it's a little bit sad.
You know, and I don't like sometimes how it's the same way how the news always makes fun of, you know, the South.
They always say these people are so racist.
These people are this or that.
But, you know, but, and I've said this before, but a lot of black people had to beg to be on the Academy Awards two years ago.
There's tons of Latino people in America who aren't included in shit.
But they don't even raise that big of a deal about it because they're usually just having a great time.
But man, it's just like, I don't know.
I just wish, you know, we would just look at it the way it really is.
That none of us are perfect and a lot of shit's messed up, and that this is a dirty business out here, you know.
So it's just a matter of how I conduct my own business.
That's all I try and worry about.
But it is, I think it is messed up.
You know, a lot of these, a lot of a lot of Hollywood, you know, elites will make fun of places where we are from, but then they'll come there and get those tax breaks, won't they?
And that's one thing I've realized, man, that money isn't loyal.
And so I'm just going to keep doing me, and I'm going to keep doing my thing, you know.
And, you know, and sometimes I realize I got to take back a little bit of that childhood angst that I had.
You know, I got to keep a little bit of that edge.
What are they going to do about me?
Because to be honest, I don't think they expected a kid like me to get out here.
I really don't.
I don't think they expected a kid off of McGee Street to get out here and be on the top stages coming in after some of these big cats and these big dogs and perform before and after some of the greats.
I don't think they expected it.
And I'm not saying that I'm anything special, but I'm saying that I'm here to be here.
And I know a lot of great people in this town.
And I know a lot of great people that work hard and want to do good stuff.
But I don't like that thing where they look at me or they hear my southern accent.
I mean, you want to talk about people not being welcome.
If there's one group on television or two, I'd say it seems to me Vietnamese people and southern, anyone with a southern accent.
I mean, you don't see a lot of them on television.
So it just seems, seem pretty much, you know, like is this for everybody?
Nah.
Is it?
Nah, nah.
But it's just crazy to get all the way this far and then to look around and be like, damn, I'm not, am I even allowed here?
Shit ain't for everybody.
So, but you got to make your own way.
You got to make your whole.
You got to make your fold.
You know, and I think some of the ways you do it, you know, and that's one thing I got to keep that.
I can't, you know, you can have a chip on your shoulder, but you can't really because it, you know, you have to want, you have to want the best for everybody.
And you can't work always the best from a place of anger.
And that's one thing I've learned over the time is that I think I used to be a little too angry.
So now most of the time I try and look more at the positive, you know, and I try to think more about the possibility.
You know, and I don't try to think as much they don't want me.
I try to think that this is going to be a little bit harder for me.
But thankfully, you know, the life that my higher power has put me through has been a little tricky here and there.
You know, and I think that's one thing that I'm grateful for because then I can relate to other people who their life has been tricky.
You know, and even if it's been different tricky.
You know, I'm talking to a buddy of mine the other day through AA, a black friend of mine, and that's all I'll say, you know, because you're not supposed to share a lot about him.
But while he's talking, man, I'm looking in his eyes, dude, and I could feel like just this connect, like just like a crazy connection, man.
And I'm not saying nobody was trying to get their nuts out or anything like that or put softener on each other's bodies or anything like that.
You know, or sometimes they used to have these two gay men bust and we'd catch them.
Sometimes they'd be doing a little bit of dust or burning, you know, a couple packets of glass and a little pipe outside.
And they would get some of that downy freshener.
And you'd see them out there in the backyard at night.
They'd put a couple towels on the ground and put downy freshener on each other's bodies, boy.
And look, I only reason I watched this because that shit smelled good.
Remember when you were a kid?
Dude, if you grew up my neighbor, you didn't have parents, dude, you had the smell of downy freshener.
I mean, if I smelled that downy freshener, man, it made me feel like everything was okay.
You know, I get that hit of downy freshener and I felt like everything was okay.
Man, I remember, you know, my father wasn't, you know, and I get sometimes a little bit into this kind of stuff and I don't want anything to be, you know, talk about family stuff sometimes.
I don't know if I could talk about some of this emo stuff too much, but, you know, my father, one of the best memories that I have are, you know, thinking about smells and how they take care of us at times, you know, and we'd see those man, bruh, double Ricky, bruh, because both these dudes were named Ricky, these gay men.
And they were lovers, I think, or something, you know.
And they were both real, real lean because they were out there.
You know, these were rest area.
These were a couple of rest area bad boys.
You'd see them out there by the interstate being bad boys, you know, and they was smoking glass.
And one of them worked up actually at a, you know, one of them just rode a bicycle all the time.
I don't know if that was a job, but he did it.
And the other one worked at Auto Body, you know, beating rust off of catalytic converters and shit like that, making recyclables, you know, trying to get things enough rust off of them for them to be considered recyclable.
So I don't know if that's also a job either.
But anyhow, you know, we would, I was going to say, oh, but another smell.
I remember, you know, I mean, I've said this before, the hardest working man I've ever known was my mom and she had she had this cow skin, this cow skin rug in her room.
And this is before animal rights.
It's when animals didn't care.
A lot of animals believed that they were here to sacrifice their lives so the rest of us could eat and stay warm and stuff like that.
And a lot of animals still do.
There are some animals that don't think that and they, you know, are raised in hell, but there are some that are still okay with that.
Because you know, animals believe in reincarnation.
Do you know that?
Yeah, that's one thing that's pretty cool about animals.
They believe that when they die, they come right back as another animal and even a cuter animal.
So, I mean, if I were, you know, if I were an armadillo, I'd straight up, I'd take my own life, boy, you know, and come back as a damn beautiful little koala.
But my mom had this cowskin rug in her room.
And I remember sometimes I'd lay in there and my mom would, you know, my mom worked so much, the only time I get to spend a lot of time with her was at night.
I would watch her get ready, brush her teeth and floss her teeth.
And, you know, she'd, you know, have her nightgown on it.
She'd put on, you know, lotion and just be like a lady, you know, do lady type of stuff.
Nothing wild or anything perverted, you know.
But I would lay there on that rug and I put my face up next to that cow skin, next to that hide.
And I'd inhale that smell.
And there was just that leather smell, you know, that's that manly, that leather, you know, just that, you know, the embodiment of Clint, you know, like a Clint Eastwood or the Ponderosa or, you know, Montana, anything that seemed manly or virile, it came into my senses through that hide.
And it almost, it filled my brain almost with like a father figure type of smell.
And I remember at those moments were some of the moments that I felt most like familial, if that makes any sense, most okay, you know, most part of, you know, like I had two moons, you know, like I had, you know, like pain, like it was just the most time where I felt like both my parents were very present.
And that was when, you know, in the evenings when I would see my mother, you know, in a very womanly way, you know, you know, she'd have put her hair up or, you know, and, you know, women would put power, you know, nothing perverted, but just, you know, she'd be in her nightrobe and, you know, you'd smell like, you know, lotion, arm lotion and all of that.
And then I'd have that same smell of the hide from the cow.
And it would make me feel parented, if that means anything.
And I know that's bizarre, but, you know, you just don't know where a smell is going to come into you and how it's going to resonate inside of you and make you feel.
But yes, you know, but I got to live these days out here and not come from a place of anger because I don't want to come from that place anyway.
But every now and then, dude, I would be lying if I say that I didn't feel unwelcome here sometimes.
But I'm not going to give up.
And because you know why?
Because I don't want there to be, here's what I don't think.
I don't think that you teach anybody anything by making them feel unwelcome.
You know, I don't think you, man, I remember, especially whenever the election was going on and stuff, dude.
I mean, people looked at me like I was, you know, like I, like I was, like I, you know, just people that had never even been to the towns I'm from or the places I've lived or the places you might have lived.
People that have never even been there.
Look, just say, acting like people that are from these places are shit or aren't as good as them or aren't worth, you know, being around them because they might have some different thoughts or different beliefs or they might just live in a different world.
You know, it's, you know, it, and I don't want that.
That's what I don't want.
I want there to be, because that doesn't help anybody.
Because now if there's a kid sitting at home where I was sitting and he's watching and he's listening to, you know, one of his favorite celebrities and they're telling him that the people from his town or his parents, just because they voted a certain way or they behave a certain way, or not behave, but, because I don't mean behavior, but because they're from an area where, you know, that is more conservative or has more, I don't know, fucking owns an animal that lives outdoors.
What about that?
Has a dog that sleeps on the porch?
That suddenly that they're bad people?
Because that doesn't help that kid.
You know, that doesn't help the next me that's somewhere.
That doesn't help him.
It doesn't help him.
In fact, it just makes him angry.
It just makes him angry.
And if he already has a lot of like questions in his mind, then not only does it make him angry at the celebrity that he cared about, but then it also makes him angry.
It could even make him angry at his parents.
And so then where does he have?
You know, because or what if he used Hollywood as an escape, you know, some of these shows and now his favorite, his favorite celebrities are judging him.
It just, it doesn't do anything.
There's no solution there.
There's no solution.
I don't think anyway.
And I'm okay to be wrong with that.
So, you know, I want a kid, if they see me or they hear me talking about it, they're like, oh, this kid can do it.
You know, this kid sounds a little bit like me.
You know, because look, I get it.
People live in different Americas, dude.
They are different.
You know, and I, and I even go, it's like, you know, people talk about, remember when they had the statues in Louisiana and they were taking the statues down in New Orleans?
And I can totally see it.
I see it, you know, like if there's a statue and it represents a, you know, if the general was a slave owner or something like that, and, you know, and half the city's population is black and that makes, I get that.
I understand it.
It doesn't make a ton of sense.
But that's also, I remember growing up in that area and we would go meet at this, at the Robert E. Lee statue, and everybody would meet up and have fun together, black or white.
And it was at the statue.
Nobody there gave a fuck.
So then it's just this outside judgment comes in.
And look, sometimes, you know, and then maybe sometimes it's an evolution of time and, you know, different, another generation starts to have a Different perspective, and that's fine.
I get it.
You know, and since the statues have been taken down, I don't think most people give a dang.
But I just don't like some of that judgment when people who don't live somewhere start saying, oh, this isn't how it needs to be over there.
You know, just because those people live by the water, as Bill Burr says, just because you think, just because you live by the water, you think you know it all.
It's just not fair.
It's not, because you don't.
You don't know what it's like there.
You don't live there.
You live where you live.
And if you just, you're bored because your life's so comfortable.
Lucky you.
You know, and I live here now.
So it's, I mean, it's been interesting, man.
I didn't mean to go so deep on this, but, you know, things happen, man.
Let's take a call right here on the hotline.
Dude, I got some, we have the best calls ever, I believe, have come in on this episode.
I'm so grateful for anybody that has hit the hotline.
You can always hit the hotline if you have any thoughts or suggestions or commentary on anything that's being discussed on this podcast.
Don't feel like you don't have a voice.
The number is 985-664-9503.
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All right, let's get into a call right now.
Here we go.
What's up, P.O.?
This is Kelby out here in Kentucky, man, in southern Kentucky.
Wow, Kelby in southern Kentucky.
I didn't know there was a southern Kentucky, really.
That's a double entendre.
Thank you for calling Kelby onward.
And I just had a question on what you might be thinking.
I am 23 years old, and I have, you know, developed a little bit of baldness on the top.
Okay, boy, you got that baby's ass on the top, huh?
That's beautiful, dude.
Dude, in some countries, that's a sign of hope.
I think in Japan, that's a sign of hope.
If you don't have any hair on your head, people, you know, people think, oh, man, I hope he's okay with that.
Maybe.
Onward.
And I decided to shave my head about a year ago, and I've been doing it ever since.
Now, since then, people who once knew me have asked me questions such as, am I racist now?
I don't mean to laugh, bro.
That is hilarious.
Yeah, look, this is, bro, this goes perfectly into what we're talking about.
Just because you have a southern accent now and because you want to have a haircut, suddenly you're racist.
You know?
That's like people, just because they see my haircut, they ask, am I a lesbian?
Totally messed up.
Let's hear more.
Or me jumps that I'm a skinhead.
And I think, you know, maybe they're involved a little bit in the dark arts because who's to be judging me after I just changed my appearance a little?
It's so true, man.
It's so true.
You know, just because you got how many options you got?
You bowed headed.
You bowed headed.
How many options you got?
Kirby?
Sorry, it's not Kirby.
What is it?
Damn, I don't want to go back and check.
Let me think.
Kirby.
Nope.
It's I'm sorry.
I'm not trying to butcher your name here, but sometimes I like to guess things instead of just check what they are.
Hey, Theo, this is Kirby Berkey.
It's not Berkey.
Berkey.
Nuh-uh.
But yeah, dude, sorry, I can't guess it.
But yeah, it's fucked up, right?
Just because you have a certain style of cut, now suddenly, you know, you're a white supremacist or, you know, you're going to start a gang in prison just because you can't fucking grow any hair.
Just because God don't want you to have hair doesn't mean he then wants you to be part of some vile group.
Let's hear more.
And, you know, my accent doesn't help, and I know that, but I just wanted your opinion on young guys who maybe have to make a big change in their appearance that wasn't their choice, but just something that Old Mother Nature had planned for them.
And look, man, I'll say this.
I think it's probably, A, I bet at a certain point it's relaxing to have that hair, to have no hair.
You know, because it's in a way, it's kind of, it's almost just like letting your hair grow and just go anyway.
It's like the opposite of that, but it's the same thing.
You know, you don't have to worry about it.
Dude, I used to worry so much, Brother Kirby.
I'm going to call you Brother Kirby now because I don't, you know, I don't want to go back and listen because I don't want to, I'll go listen.
All right.
What is it?
What's up, T.O.?
This is Kelby out here in Kentucky, man.
Kelby.
Thank you, Kelby.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, Kelby, it's, you know, it's not, it's messed up.
You know, that's just how you're going to be.
But I bet it is relaxing because I noticed when I start, I used to have a regular haircut, man, clean cut.
And I was always trying.
I always felt like I had to look a certain way.
And I was thinking, oh, I wish, you know, I mean, I wish my neck was longer.
And I still wish that my neck was just a, you know, just a little bit longer, not much.
And I've actually even kind of figured it out.
I think I almost pretty much just wish about three eighths of an inch.
But, but, you know, I had all these little things and it was just so stressful, you know, and always I'm always, you know, I got a big nose and I got big ears and I got, you know, my eyes look like I don't know a lot.
If you look, if you look in my eyes, you know, it just, I got all these things that made me feel inferior.
You know, and I just, and I was always just standing in a way to kind of, oh, let me stand up straight and just put your chin out a little so you have a little more chin.
And don't, don't look at anything like in the center of your face because you'll look cross-eyed.
Just all these things, just so I could try and appear normal.
And then one day, man, that all got lifted off of me.
And I just said, I don't give a damn.
Come on.
Come on.
Get in there.
And I just let this shit roll out of my head.
I just let my hair grow out, man.
And I just made sure that I was brushing my teeth.
And that's when I started feeling okay.
But yeah, sometimes we have to change our appearance, you know, and sometimes, you know, God changes our appearance or the world around us changes our appearance or, you know, our life just changes our appearance.
And we got to adapt.
And, you know, you might lose a leg and suddenly you got to tie off a lot of your pants, you know, or you got to, you know, go to that pants, you know, that website that's just one side of pants.
But then you can get pants, you know, you can cut or you could cut your original pants into, you know, you can cut them into half and just kind of have, you know, and have two pairs of pants out of one pair of pants, almost.
You can't really, though, because you don't have the top part.
But, but, you know, it's like when we got to make those adjustments, man, you got to do it.
And in the end, it's about you feeling okay with it.
You know, when you go bald, when you go that full natural, dude, there's a lot of fun things you can do.
You could do a scented lotion.
You could do a mural.
You could do some art.
You could do a tattoo.
And then, you know, over the parts where the hair is going to grow back.
So then you got that tattoo, but you also, you know, your hair is going to grow back over some of it.
So you could do something fancy like that.
You could do Christmas earrings.
You can do some, you know, if you have ears pierced, you could do beautiful Christmas earrings and do that and be that party boy with them bells off his lobes.
So there's different options.
There's different specialty.
There's different specialty options that you can do.
And I hope you find some peace around there.
Let's hear a little bit more of your call here.
But yeah, if you can give me any insight on that, I'd appreciate it, man.
And I really appreciate your podcast.
I recently found it, and it's did a lot of good for me in trying to understand some of these things I've been thinking about.
And you know what you're saying right there, man, that I love to hear is thinking about.
Because that's what we got to be doing, Kelby.
We have to be thinking about stuff.
You know, one thing I will notice, as much as there's so much like judgment about places that aren't, you know, I notice there's a lot of judgment, man.
I noticed it in San Francisco last week.
Dude, San Francisco, that place is, dude, for, I never felt as much judgment in my life walking around there.
LA has this kind of like, you're not, you're too rich.
People are too rich.
They make you feel less than.
But this other thing was happening in San Francisco where it felt, and not everywhere in the bay.
I'm not saying that.
I was out in Alameda and people seemed down, you know, and people seemed a little bit more normal.
I'm saying in San Francisco, you know, you had, first of all, it's so expensive there that even if you, fuck, if you get locked out of your house for an hour, you might not be able to afford to get back in.
If you lock, if you lose your keys.
So there's an element of that going on where it's definitely, you know, it's way too expensive.
So they, you know, for as welcoming as it is, you, you're only welcome if you got money.
Look, if you don't have money, you ain't welcome.
You know what I'm saying?
That's like I was in Hawaii two weeks ago, four or seven weeks ago, and they had a tartaris there.
And they had an endangered tartoise.
And I went right up to it.
Some lady's like, back up, back up.
She said, if you touch it, it's a $5,000 fine if you touch that tartarise.
And I'm like, damn, so only rich people can touch it.
That's all that is.
You know?
And I don't mean that in a, I'm just saying, that's the facts.
You know, people price themselves out so much that then you have a bunch of people having to spend all this money to live somewhere and they just seemed angry.
They just seemed angry.
I never felt as much kind of anger in the air.
But just as much as they look at places that don't want to seem progressive, like places where I'm from, there's a thing that I don't like about places.
Some of the places where I'm from is people that don't want to be progressive in their thoughts.
We have to continue to think.
We have to continue to think about different ways and not just get set where we are.
And do I have an answer on how to do that?
Nah, man.
I don't.
I don't really.
But a lot of times, if we can't think for ourselves or we can't find a different way, sometimes just listening to somebody else that's different from us, you know, that can help us a little bit.
We might not agree with it, but we might get, if we get a little piece of something from them, you know, but that's what I liked about this call, Kelby, is that you're thinking, you know, you're not just sitting there thinking, fuck, you know, I'm a bald-headed wildcat.
I'm going to go join, you know, Some type of damn, you know, I'm going to go to prison now.
Some people, they lose all their hair.
They're like, fuck, I need to go to prison now and join a cult or something or be a man's lover just because, so it fits with my bald head.
You know, or I need to be, you know, what other job is somebody that's often kind of bald?
Oh, there's always that bald guy that works on the airlines.
He's a male flight attendant.
Some bald men will be like, oh, you know, I lost all my hair.
Now I need to, you know, suddenly start dating men and work for an airline.
But you're not doing that.
You're just saying, hey, I lost all my hair.
Now let me think.
Let me think about when that, you know, I don't like that people judge me just because I have a southern accent.
Man, it's the same type of shit where they, so many people saying, don't judge, don't judge.
But then the second use of it, they take the low-hanging fruit.
Like it's easy to be poor and white.
Man, it makes me upset sometimes, but that's okay.
You know, that's part of our journey, man.
That's part of our journey.
And we all have it.
And that's where I try to relate with people on, is on their journey, man.
You know.
But let's get another call right here.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo.
I had a self-esteem question for you, man.
Okay, thanks for calling.
And in middle school, I gained a whole bunch of weight.
I was a heavy boy.
I'm from the South as well.
When I gained...
Thank you for calling.
You gained some weight in middle school.
Let's go.
A lot of weight.
I developed breasts.
Oh, boy.
Dude, I'll tell you this story.
You're making me think about this right now.
And I'm not trying to interrupt you, but I'm going to interrupt you for a second.
Man, they had this big boy when I was growing up.
And dude, he got them first.
He got them toats first, you know.
And they had one girl in our school that had them, but she was, you know, her family was, you know, heavily with the Lord.
And their dad locked, you know, they kept all the kids locked up in the yard.
And about a year and a half later, I ended up feeling her breath through the through a barbed wire fence, you know, catching that tet, you know, catching that tetai with my palm, just palming down that freaking young, I don't even know if it was a tit yet, but it was going to be a tit, you know, it was on a girl.
So, and that still counts.
And she let me touch that warm lump.
And we were both children.
So that's totally legal.
But I remember I used to go sleep at my buddy's house because he got tits kind of first, you know, and he was a bigger boy.
But man, I'd sleep over there, dude.
And my, dude, I swear, man, my penis would get so hard, bro.
Not at him, but at the tits.
And I would even put my hands like this.
Because I wouldn't see the rest of his body.
I would just see the breasts, you know, because I wasn't thinking about men.
I was just thinking about tits, you know?
And so I would just see it, you know, I would just make a little kind of squint area where I could see them big, beautiful, you know, them just flash bulbs of straight up, you know, them straight up leche duffles, you know, them beautiful bags.
And that's, and I would love that, man.
And that's, man, I would just get so key up and fired up.
And I remember I'd get so erect sometimes as a child, I'd pass out.
I'd be unconscious.
Because I would get, you know, because I'm thick and that, you know, I got that, I'm that, I got that strong, you know, I got, I got, it's not really a baby arm.
I got, it's like two babies' arms and his legs.
And he's standing straight up with his arms and legs like that, you know, just in a straight line.
I got that, I got that capacity.
I got that cop pacity.
And so when that thing takes on the blood, when it doesn't all call for that blood and that hemoglobin do, when everything rushes into daddy's, you know, into that big, into that ballast tank, the rest of me kind of sometimes will just faint.
I used to get erect and faint a lot as a child, but I remember first breasts I ever saw on a beautiful, thick boy in my neighborhood and a friend of mine he was.
And I'll say this, man, that there's nothing wrong with that.
Let's hear more.
Man titty.
They've been there ever since.
No, man titty.
Okay, you got the man titty.
They've been there ever since.
I'm 27 now.
I've lost a lot of weight.
Even in the past year, I've lost 40 pounds.
Wow, congratulations, man.
I can't even imagine that.
I can't even imagine the stick-to-iveness it's taken to do that.
So I hope you feel a lot of pride in yourself, man.
I hope that, you know, people say to me a lot, Theo, you should take a moment and think of, you know, where you were before in certain aspects of your life.
It can even be a couple weeks ago with an attitude and where you are now.
But I hope you recognize that, man.
It's a huge thing to lose 40 pounds, and you must feel a lot of pride.
Let's hear more.
So the thing, what's tough, man, is the self-esteem is low, man.
I'm going to the beach next weekend with my family.
The idea of taking my shirt off and being around the beach is terrible.
I've been to the beach before, man, and I've tried to make light of the situation.
I've kind of told jokes about how it's okay for me to take my shirt off because I'm a male, even though I have titties bigger than half the females on the beach.
Ah, yeah, man.
Well, I'm kind of feeling a little bit sorry that I was, you know, I wasn't making fun earlier, but I was telling you a story that kind of, I guess, correlated to maybe some of these, those things might have, you know, kind of, I don't know if I hope I hope that didn't bum you out at all because I really enjoyed seeing that on my friend.
But, you know, I can imagine what it was like for him, and now I'm kind of learning that perspective.
Let's hear some more.
Just trying to figure out, man, like, how can I embrace it?
You know, and surgery is an option, but it's about, you know.
Yeah, that surgery, I know it's about $5,000 to $7,500.
And then you also have to wear special shirts and stuff after that.
$5,000.
And then you have to take about two weeks off of work.
All right, man.
You know, I appreciate that call, man.
It's brave to call about that.
You know, I mean, if you're nervous, you know, I'll say a couple of things.
One, if you're nervous about the surgery, you know, obviously, I'm sure you've probably researched it and talked to people and you can find other people that have had it.
I have a friend, actually, a comedian friend, who was just telling me the other day that he had this same issue and that he ended up having the surgery.
And that finally, after years, a lot of that inferiority and I don't know if that's shame, but you know, just that nervousness has gone away from him because obviously he's, you know, his body looks different now, but that that ran real heavily with him for a while.
Yeah, man, that's that's tough because you want to just have your shirt off and just be at the beach and feel free.
You know, you want to maybe even get fully naked and have a damn, you know, a turkey burger or a little baby Julius burger.
What is that thing called?
A sloppy Joe.
Not baby Julius.
What am I thinking of?
What?
And so you want to have, you almost want to get fully naked and have a sloppy Joe.
I'm trying to think of, I wish there was a special shirt that was for a dope ass man that had some kind of little bit of a light, you know, kind of thicker in that, you know, than breasticles.
You know, I wish they had a man like, you know, that could kind of, you know, like a man's ear, you know, just kind of something, you know, even if Under Armor made one or something.
You know, so I don't know.
I mean, I guess, oh, it's tough, dude, because I know that probably is tough for you.
Yeah, I mean, if I, for me personally, what would I do?
I would probably wear some type of underarmor type of thing where I could still be athletic a little bit and get some sun, but I would still be able to take care of that part of me where I didn't, you know, if it's going to make you so self-conscious that you're not going to be able to enjoy yourself at all, then maybe for now I would still, you know, maybe wear a shirt because here's the thing, you're going to the beach.
You want to have fun.
You don't want to not be able to enjoy yourself.
So, you know, for now, I would do what's, you know, what's going to make you feel okay and bring you the most joy.
Now, say you go full throttle, you know, and you got them A coups out there.
You know, you got them, you know, them lowercase A's out there.
Then I think have some fun.
You know, have some fun.
I mean, accept the fact that you're probably going to get some looks.
Know that in advance.
And then maybe have some fun with it.
Now, here's a fun thing you could do.
You could get one of those Tahitian type of things with the coconut bra things, you know, like Fred Flintstone wears, because that's something that's fun and it would still kind of, you know, cover up some of your nervousness.
So maybe that's something fun that you could do, you know, but, you know, if it continues to bother you, I don't think there's any shame in getting a surgical procedure if you can afford it.
I don't know how that works with insurance or anything like that.
But you know what, man?
Let me, I want to know how that beach goes.
And even if it doesn't go well, I want to know that if you wouldn't mind, you know, I'd love to circle back with you and find out just kind of the truth if you can take me through some more of that.
You know, because I know that that kind of stuff is tough, man, when we feel our bodies are a certain way.
Man, I've always hated like the slope of my shoulders.
Dude, I've had, dude, ever since I was young, it's a little better, a little different now, but I had a real DS booty.
I had the same butt, butt tox, and hips that a lot of Down syndrome men and women had.
And a lot of black girls, we had the same butt.
And so I'd always get all these wild jokes and, you know, I'd feel nervous.
Everybody wanted me to twerk all the time and shit.
And I'm like, fuck, you know?
So I feel you, man.
It's tough.
It's tough when we live in this world that puts so much on how we look.
And we're so self-aware, too.
And then we have this, you know, something that really stands out.
I mean, dude, I wish I could wear a Brazier over my nose sometimes.
You know, I got a, you know, I got a my nose is kind of a C cup.
So I got that C cup whiffer.
But thanks for calling, man, and for just for not thinking and not feeling that stuff alone.
If you go out to the beach, I hope you have a blast.
No matter how you play it, I hope you have a blast, man.
All right, let's get into another call here.
Hey, this is Stevie from Rock in West Virginia.
I had a question for you.
What is the biggest misconception that you've come across, being from the South, personally, out of that of Six Flags?
And somebody was actually surprised to see that I owned a pair of shoes.
So I was wondering, like, what kind of weird stereotypes or misconceptions you've come across during the years?
Well, that's a good one.
Yeah, that somebody thought you didn't have shoes, and that's wild.
The biggest misconception maybe that I've had from the South, I think, is just that people think that you are just going to be racist.
You know, because there's definitely a lot more race, there's a lot more racial environment growing up in the South.
And I find that there was a lot of just, I found it was more hatred when I was young, just going both ways.
You know, there was a lot of, and it was a, it was, you know, there was a lot of black kids that were extremely mean to white kids and there was a lot of people and vice versa.
You know, and it, and I don't know when it started, you know, I mean, I mean, I know historically when things started between those two races, but I think it was probably, you know, it's probably just the assumption that everybody's going to be racist.
You know, or that like people will come to me and refer to me as redneck kind of stuff sometimes.
And that makes me mad.
It makes me a little bit upset.
I don't mind being rural.
The other day, a girl referred to me as white trash.
And that kind of made me mad.
You know, kind of to me, like, you know, I've never dealt with the, you know, the N-word situation, but it felt like that's kind of, you know, so I don't know what that feels like, but it felt like kind of a dagger like that to me.
You know, like them saying something that put me in a place that I couldn't escape from as far as they were concerned.
So that it made them feel like they were better than me.
And that, that shit made me mad.
And I also say this, though, that, yeah, growing up in the South, there's a lot more racial shit you grew up around.
Dude, there's a lot more people saying all kinds of stuff.
Everybody, dude, and even out in LA, you hear low-key people saying racist stuff all the time on both sides of the tracks, both sides of the net, both sides of the Roy G. Biv, of that, of the color palette.
But that's one probably that I'm ignorant.
You know, I felt for years, as sad as it is, that I had to hide the fact that I wasn't ignorant.
You know, I tried to pretend like I was.
You can even, you know, I had to use satire because I was afraid to even share any of my real feelings sometimes.
So a lot of times I have to disguise or hide my thoughts and my ideas sometimes through satire because I'm afraid that they're not going to be accepted.
You know, or that I'm not going to be heard.
You know, I don't know, man.
I'm still learning a lot about this.
But that's a wild question.
I appreciate you calling in, young lady.
Let's take another call here.
Here we go.
What's up, dear, man?
This is Adam from North Carolina.
Man, I just want to tell you that I really enjoyed that episode with Stevie Starlight.
Thanks, Adam.
Appreciate that.
Yeah, Stevie Starlight was wild.
He came in.
He was 45 minutes late.
I'll say that.
I didn't say that, but he came in.
He wanted to go have a cigarette break.
I'm like, break from what, bruh?
You just got here 45 minutes late, Daddy.
Yo, let's go.
You know, I'm paying a crew.
What you think, Daddy?
You know, I know you've been out in orbit, Stevie Starlight, but look, we need you here in the galaxy.
But we had a great time, man.
You know, he had this, I mean, it's never too late to come over.
That's a beautiful song.
And so I was so grateful that he came in and we had fun, man.
His girlfriend came and sat in here on the couch.
And it was neat to just talk to somebody who come out here to, you know, who come to Los Angeles with a dream and to hear what they thought and what he thought.
All right, let's take another call right here.
Oh, let's finish that call up.
You guys did a phenomenal job, and he's a great guest, man.
I'd really love to have him back if you can.
And also, I look forward to seeing you in Raleigh, North Carolina, man.
I got my tickets and everything.
Can't wait.
See you, bro.
Be good.
Gang, gang, man.
Yeah, I'll see you.
I'll definitely see you in Raleigh.
And I'll see everyone this weekend at June 15th and 16th in Calgary, Alberta, Canada at Yuck Yucks.
Then I'll be in Bakersfield, California the following weekend.
Then the following weekend, I'll be in Stark County, Illinois, a fundraiser in my mother's hometown at the Paramount Theater.
Then July 6th through 8th the following weekend, I'll be at Levity Live in Oxnard, California.
And then July 20th through 22nd, Charlie Goodnights in Raleigh, North Carolina.
Some new dates added on Toronto Just for Laughs Festival.
And that is September 20th through the 24th.
Go get the pass.
You got to go onto the Just for Laughs website, go get the pass, and pick the shows that I am on so you can come and see me perform.
I promise I'm going to do my best while I'm there.
I promise you I'm going to do my best.
Also, we have Washington, D.C. has been added.
That's November 30th through December 1st at the Comedy Loft.
November 9th and 10th, Salt Lake City.
We're going to get over there.
I'm really excited.
And we're going to do some magic there at Wise Guys in Salt Lake City.
Other dates, there's some other cities.
Go to theovon.com slash tour T-O-U-R.
What else, man?
We'll go to a couple more calls here, man, and then we'll probably, you know, we might try to get through this.
But we have so many great calls.
Let's go.
Hey, what's up, Theo?
This is Jay from Texas, man.
What's up, Jay?
Thank you for calling, brother.
Man, I'm wanting to get your thoughts on some things.
I'm actually this past weekend, you know, my dad passed away.
Oh, man.
I'm sorry to hear that, man.
You know, I don't know you or your father, but I know that that's a very real moment in somebody's life.
This is a moment.
This is a moment that is very thick and that will be a real hinge or can be a real hinge in your life for a long time on a lot of levels.
I'm sorry to hear that, brother.
Homeward.
It was pretty much unexpected.
He was 58 years old.
He didn't take the best care of himself, but, you know, I expect him to die of a massive heart attack at that age.
I just don't know really where to go from here.
You know, I'm the oldest in my family, so I'm the leader of the family.
So I feel like I can't really fuck off and do whatever I want to do.
Therapeutic for me, I feel like I gotta, you know, move to where my family is and kind of take care of them.
My dad was the only person that supported me saying I didn't want to have a normal job and those type of things.
Now that he's gone, it seems like the whole world depends on me to take care of.
Okay.
Thank you for sharing this stuff, this information here.
I'm gathering you're saying that your father, he was one of the few people who kind of sided with you on you kind of living this more freedom type of lifestyle, doing what you wanted to do.
And that now, just because you're the oldest and that you have to be the leader, you're feeling… Or is that a pressure that people are putting on you to be the leader?
Because look, just because you're the oldest, you would think, you know, that the oldest is going to be the leader.
But if people aren't asking you to, then that's a role that you can assume if you want to.
But that's going to come with, you know, the leader.
That's short for leadership.
So that's going to take a lot of effort.
And, you know, if it sounds like you in your life right now, just look, man, and I don't know.
And I'm not telling you anything, but I'm just trying to gather things here that I'm hearing you say that you like to have a little bit more of a freedom lifestyle, that your dad kind of supported that, then yeah, you would probably, I don't know what that means to you, but you would probably have to make some adjustments and some changes.
But if people aren't beating down your door to be the leader or to say, you know, to take the reins or just because you're the oldest, then don't put that pressure on yourself if it's not a pressure that, you know, if it's just a pressure that you're putting on yourself only to have a reaction to his passing.
You know, sometimes people, you know, something tragic happens or something goes on and we will take anything almost as a blanket or as a shield or, you know, we'll create a new shell.
And sometimes, you know, I'd hate to see you create a shell like, oh, I need to be the leader now, but it's too much, but I'm not going to do it.
You know, and then you end up in this spiral of not taking care of yourself, you know, fighting against this definition, this new definition of you that no one even asked you to define yourself as.
You know, I just hate to see you get in a wild circle there.
But it sounds like you are starting to think about some stuff.
And I commend you there because that's probably going to be uncomfortable.
You know, it's going to be uncomfortable.
You know, there's something about when our parents are alive where we feel like that we still have this mulligan out in the world.
You know, and that we still have this ability to error because they're still alive.
You know, and then when that cloud is gone, then suddenly you're the one that's getting hit by the sun.
The light is shining on you.
You know, when that cover of our parents is gone.
And so this is a big moment where, yeah, you're probably going to have more light shine on you and you're going to be the one looking at yourself.
You know, it sounds like these are things that you might be asking yourself onward.
If you had any advice, man, I'd appreciate it.
But it sounds like I'm smoking.
I am smoking a big fat one.
So, you know, sometimes you just got to do it.
Anyway, people, boy, you hitting that heater, boy.
You hitting that six feet thunder, huh?
Gang, gang, man.
Well, look, you know, if your father just passed, you don't have to answer every question right away.
So maybe hit that blunt and take a week off and take it easy.
But there's going to be a lot of emotions going on.
And if you check out all the time and you just get high every time or you just do that, you might be escaping a great opportunity to really feel some feelings.
You know, it's rare in life that things really create huge feelings inside of us.
And bro, that can be a fucking, you want to get high, dude?
Or you want to get, you want to take a ride, bruh?
Let your feelings get you, son.
Let your feelings, dog.
You know, blaze up a couple of grams of your own feelings and feel that hitter, son.
Get that hitter.
All right, let's take another call here.
Here we go.
What's up, Theo?
What's up?
I woke up this morning and my parents told me that they were going out with another couple to see an oldies band.
And I'm in Atlanta and they said the name of the band is the Swinging Medallions.
So I just wanted to know if you had anything to say about that.
All right.
Bye.
Okay, wow.
So, bro, obviously, I mean, obviously, your parents are the swinging medallions.
You woke up.
Your parents said they're going out of town.
They're going to see a band.
Dude, your parents are swingers, bro.
How many clues do you need, Cat Daddy?
Cat Daddy, Cat Deddy.
How many clues do you need?
Your parents are swingers, dude.
They're going to meet up with another couple, the swinging medallions.
They probably can't fuck at the house with their buddies.
They can't do that buddy fucking because you're at the house.
Dude, you moved in.
You're ruining the party, boy.
Get a job, daddy.
Are you working at the library, son?
Well, check yourself out of there and go get that job.
Work for a bigger company.
Go work for, you know, Chevrolet, Enron, Nabisco.
Get out there.
So your parents can do that straight up play Twister.
They can bring a couple of spare DX over to the house and play Twister, dude.
Come in.
Your parents trying to live a little.
And you over there in the morning sharing off the same jug of milk as them.
Come on, man.
Get out there.
And get that hitter of your own life.
Here we go.
Hello there, Theo.
My name's Chadlin.
I was one of the...
Javelin?
Okay, dude, that's a weapon.
That's your name?
That's a weapon, brother.
But thank you for calling.
You're from another country, man, and I appreciate that.
And onward.
Hello there, Theo.
My name's Javelin.
I was wanting to just call you.
A big fan of the show.
And I was just wanting to throw out a topic out there.
Throw out?
That's hilarious.
And your name's Javelin, dude.
That's like, because you have to, look, man, no offense, it's not, but that's like somebody saying, hey, my name is Baseball Bat.
You know?
My name is Nunchuk.
You're like, Chuck?
You're like, no, nunchuck.
Bro, that is a weapon, dude.
You got that crazy name.
I bet you, you know, a lot of ladies like that.
They like that fierce man.
Onward Javelin.
I was just wanting to throw out a topic out there for you to discuss.
I was just curious if you have ever put any thought towards reincarnation.
Do you think there's a possibility for it?
Would you like that?
Found out that that were true?
Yeah, just various things In that area.
Just sort of what your thoughts on the concept of there being reincarnation.
Yep, I appreciate you asking about reincarnation or reincarn as a lot of people call it for short.
And I'll say this: reincarnation makes a lot of sense to me, and here's why.
Because the only thing I know for a fact is that I exist here.
I know that.
I know I exist here.
If you don't get into all the theories about, you know, simulation and all of that, you know, whatever it is called, whatever it's singularity, if you don't get in all of that stuff, the only thing I know for sure is that I exist here, that I showed up on a ball of dirt and water in the middle of a vast expanse of darkness and that I exist here.
So that's proof.
I am living proof of that.
So reincarnation, to me, makes a lot of sense because all you're saying is that that would happen again.
That when I die and zone out from here and disappear, that I would come back here or a place similar, I guess.
That seems very possible because it's already happened to me one time.
This time right now.
So reincarnation, yeah.
So you're telling me what just happened to me could happen to me again?
That is very believable because it just happened to me.
That's like saying, hey, if I burn my hand on the stove, somebody's saying, hey, you know what?
When you die, you could burn your hand on the stove again.
I'll be like, you know what?
That sounds feasible.
So reincarnation, man, gang, gang.
I feel that all day.
All right, let's get into this.
We still have to assign a best or worst weekend for last month, and we do have our winner.
Every month, you can hit the hotline 985-664-9503 and tell us about your best weekend or your worst weekend.
Try to keep it to 90 seconds or less.
If you go over 90 seconds, you're going to disqualify yourself.
And this is our winner for May.
Let's hear it one more time.
Here we go.
Hey, what's up, CO?
I'm a college student.
I'm studying biology, and I've been supporting myself by working a third shift at a gas station, kind of in the ghetto of the city my college is in.
G-Unit!
And it's usually all right, but last night, about six guys came in, and they just bought a gas can and put like two gallons of gasoline in it, and they seemed really calm, real chilled, nice guys when they left.
Oh, yeah, dude.
Six guys, one gallon of gas, bro.
That sounds like a gay camp out about to go down.
You know what I'm saying?
That sounds like a real barn burner.
And Barn is this dude that we met a couple towns over, and he's down up onward.
They came back like two hours later, just high as fuck.
Probably on methane or free.
Probably on gas, bro.
Six dudes, one gallon.
That ain't much.
If you play in Huffs, can't you?
Trying to return the gas can because it was like $12.
But the store policy is you can't return gas cans once there's been gas in them.
Hey, that's a blanket policy, baby.
That's my policy, too.
If you borrow a cup from me, you put gas in it.
Nastyo cup.
So they were like yelling at me and talking all at once, saying they were going to stab me if I didn't and cut my head off and shit.
And that's scary when six dudes all with gas on their breath are telling you they're about to ISI you up over a little bit of petrol.
Can't do it.
You know, I was a Marine out of high school, so I'm not afraid of any man, but, you know, six make me really concerned.
They ended up yelling at me for the gas can for a little bit more, and they bought like $400 of random gas station food shit, and like a lot of lottery tickets.
Fucked ton of them.
They ended up leaving on their own.
Spended like $400, $500 on them.
They left, told me I was a fuck, and that was my weekend.
Man, you know what?
Thanks for your service, bro.
Thanks for your service station as well.
Because, you know, it's crazy.
You've been through the Marines and you still got to go through the boot camp of bullshit when six ignorant people show up.
Man, I'll be night.
People that bask in their own ignorance, sometimes it's too much.
But thanks for calling, man.
And guess what?
You got that May hitter.
So we will have our producer Chris will reach out to you and take care of you and send you this past weekend prize pack.
We got that Correctional Center blue t-shirt, that TPW.
The only way you can get it is by winning this monthly contest.
So thank you so much.
And thank you again for your service, man.
And be safe out there.
And when I come to your city, man, I'm going to make sure that I get you some tickets to the show, dude.
You and one friend who don't drink gas, bro.
Unless y'all ride on 91 Octane.
You know, I won't hang out with anybody.
If y'all sipping on 89, stays away from Daddy.
But if y'all on that 981, zip zip, let's get.
But thank you for calling, man.
Thank you so much.
And we have a submission for this month.
Somebody hit the hotline, 985-664-9503 for June.
And here is that submission for this past weekend for this month.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, what's up?
This is Josh from Wisconsin.
I was calling about this past weekend.
I had a really good weekend.
Started out on Friday.
I took the day off, smoked ribs for the first time, which was an interesting experiment.
It kind of dried them out a little bit, but I was kind of happy with that.
Then Saturday, I got to go to the shooting range with my brother and my wife and his girlfriend.
And then after that, got to go fishing with both my brothers and two of my nephews and my wife.
And then also sang karaoke for the first time.
So the main song I wanted to sing, my buddy already sang, so didn't want to do that and bite his shit.
And then defaulted to another one that I know really well and they didn't have it.
So I was really drunk and I ended up picking a song by Mariah Carey called Touch My Body.
And I was just, it did not go well at all.
But it was a fun experience, man.
Thank you for calling.
That's a great submission for this past weekend.
You went fishing, you went to a shooting range with your brother and your wife, and didn't kill either one of them.
And these days, that's a rarity, and that is to be applauded.
You know, a lot of times, if you get tickets for a cruise or a shooting range or something, and you're married or have a spouse or you have a brother that you guys are in business together, and the LLC wasn't formed correctly, and shit like that, you know what I'm saying?
Sometimes you're riding home with an empty passenger seat, but it's nice to know that that's not occurring.
And then you went out and got that karaoke.
You know, you got that Japanese music stylings.
And you got out there and you guys did it all.
And you did the Mariah Carey, Touch My Body.
And a man that goes shooting with his wife and can then finish off the evening singing, Touch My Body.
I mean, that sounds like a beautiful weekend to me.
And you threw in the nieces and nephews there.
You had fun as well.
So that's a great submission for this month, for June, for this past weekend.
So thank you very much.
We'll keep that in.
At the end of the month, we'll pick a winner.
We also have on the website theovon.com slash tour.
You can get tickets, theovon.com slash store.
You can get merch, a lot of great new get that hitter shirts.
We got all the new hitters, man.
We got that ThoughtWilder shirt.
A lot of stuff's out there.
So get out there and get involved.
Thank you guys so much.
I'll be seeing you in Calgary this weekend as well on the website, on the podcast link, you can submit video questions.
So you can go there as well.
And next week we'll start incorporating those.
We've gotten a few and we'll incorporate those starting next week.
I want to thank everybody again that came out there in Oklahoma.
Man, I had, you know, just good people.
Good people came out and made me really feel a part of the environment there.
And we had our first single mom.
We had our first single mom's night out and man, we treated her well.
And her name is Julie.
And I'm going to do a follow-up with her this week and we'll put that out.
But man, her and her friend came out and they picked out their own table and we did a couple of nice things for them.
And so I want to thank you guys so much and thank Patreon so much for just that support and making that happen.
And we want to make that a reality.
We'll do it again in probably another two weeks and see if we can't just do another trial run of getting that to become something that's going to be a regular part of being out on the road.
And so I want to thank the people over at Patreon for helping make that special night a reality.
Man, it was cool.
And we'll put a video up this week and some photos and some actual video footage that we got meeting Julie as well.
Thank you guys.
You know, we just got to stay at it.
You know, we might have a chip on our shoulder, but, you know, sometimes we got to keep at a certain point, man, that chip doesn't always serve us well.
So we got to, you know, you got to put a little bit of sauce on that chip.
You know, you got to fancy that thing up with the new things you learn and the new places we find ourselves.
Because, man, that old anger chip, that thing doesn't serve me anymore.
You know, and sometimes I use it.
Sometimes I use it when I'm by myself and I need to straighten my spine, you know, or I need to get out of bed or I need to stand up for myself.
Sometimes I got to go back to that, to that, you know, that Rottweiler boy that was inside of me.
You know, sometimes I got to go back to that kid, you know, that felt alone or felt unwanted or felt scared or felt disrespected or felt left behind or felt less than or felt poor or felt unappreciated or felt like he wasn't part of something or felt unloved or felt whatever it was that you felt or that I felt, sometimes you go back and you can draw from that.
But if that's not our truth right now, then we got to, we get, you know, you got to put that on your back.
That ain't a front pack.
That's a backpack now.
And you can use it to power you where you can, but, you know, we got to get out there and keep our mind open.
You know, and keep our mind open.
And keep thinking and keep moving forward.
And we'll find good things, man, that'll, that'll keep, you know, you'll find good things that'll pull you further along.
You won't always have to use that, you know, that raw energy, that raw, that gritty, you know, that gritty gunpowder that's in your system from, you know, from whatever wronged you.
You won't always have to use that to power yourself.
Because there's a lot of good people out there, and you're going to see that look in their eyes, and you're going to know, okay, this is safe.
This is another safe few feet or another safe relationship for me to go into or another safe friendship or another, and you're going to keep going, you're going to keep learning.
And that's going to become your fuel.
You know, each other.
The good ones out there.
And I'm not saying I'm a good one, but I'm not saying I'm not.
So love you guys, bro.
Be good to yourself.
probably deserve it.
Oh, and happy gay pride, man.
I know it's gay pride week.
It has been.
I don't know how many of what percent, we don't know.
Fuck who's gay, who might be gay one day.
You might be a gay grandparent.
You don't know.
Don't shun it now.
You know what I'm saying?
You might have a family, and then you might meet a man or a lady down the road, you know?
You might have late-onset homosexuality.
You never know.
I'm saying I might fall in love with a man when I'm 60 or 70. You never know, baby.
I mean, I'm just saying, you don't know what God has planned for you, boy.
You just don't know.
Oh, okay.
You know what?
We almost went into Spencer Jacob Growl on the way out, and I'm going to let us do that because I didn't plan for that, that just happened.
gang.
Celebrate living, celebrate misery.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Aye, Sui.
Easy deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
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