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What's up guys upcoming dates I'll be at Cherokee Casino this coming weekend in West Siloam Springs, Oklahoma and that's already sold out then I'll be at Yuck Yucks in Calgary June 15th and 16th Canada June 23rd Timbler Brewing Bakersfield June 29th the Paramount Theater and that's in rural Stark County,
Illinois June 6th through 8th in Oxnard, California at Levity Live July 20th through 22nd Charlie Goodnights in Raleigh August 16th through the 18th the Laugh Factory in Chicago September 14th and 15th Zaney's in Nashville just added Toronto the Just for Laughs Festival September 27th through the 30th you have to buy the pass and then you have to choose me as one of your artists I would appreciate any support we can get there after that I'll be
in Appleton Wisconsin and Buffalo New York I'll give you those dates soon but they're on the website alltickets at theova.com slash tour T-O-U-R do you have a cold sore or let's be frank with each other do you have herpes or herpes herps well it's much more common than you think people have it who has it people animals might have it i don't know if animals you know if they get down like we do but
it is treatable many people don't realize that for the treatment to be effective you got to start taking medication within the first 12 hours of experiencing symptoms well they got a new thing out there and it's called herpalert and herp alert is the first telehealth application that offers diagnosis and treatment for the herpes simplex virus that's right it's 100 secure confidential and encrypted it's herp alert it connects patients with physicians to address
their cold sore and herpes needs here's how it works you complete an online questionnaire upload pictures send your send your select your pharmacy and pay a one-time fee that's right go to herpalert.com h-e-r-p alert.com all right let's see what we can do here all
right let's have some fun while we all die i know that's a little bit of a dark tune right there but that is the spencer jacob
grow band and that is their song celebrate and uh spencer gave us that song to use right when the podcast started and um well i want to thank everybody for the support you know we've been doing people have been listening and tuning in i'm coming to you live if this sounds weird or this is you know sounds different than usual i am dude i got this ramshackle set up here at this hotel in san francisco i'm here this weekend and
i've been performing at cluster fest and cluster fest speaking of cluster that sound like something you might want to get checked out on herp alert but herp alert is a real thing if you got to get that you know if you find you got a lot of you looking splotchy or your cousin all of a sudden looks like a leopard he's got that leopard neck because he's been out you know test driving locals with his tongue and you know putting things in his mouth and being wild and being frisky and
letting the springtime fever just just just tempt him and tempt him to be naughty or her to be naughty because everybody can get it if you get in that splotchy ochi then you can go on a herp alert and check it out and you can get it diagnosed i'm not going to know nobody's going to know that's between you and your doctor but sometimes you get that itch you're like what is that you know i got a group of moles that showed up that seems extensive but that could be herp alert that could be herp that herpa
herpa herp uh they had a dude lived by me growing up named herbie and when you think about herbie is it's about as close to herpie as you can get and herbie there was this dude i remember he wanted to be he wanted to be tall so bad and he couldn't be tall because god didn't want him to be tall and whoever you know his grandparents or whatever whoever you know did sex and made him they were small and when small people fuck let's be honest
it's not there's nothing wrong with it everybody everybody can fuck no matter you know i think as long as you're like three feet tall you can fuck but you're not gonna you're not the odds of you getting something real long out of small sex are limited you know the odds of that are kind of limited and then this boy herb uh this boy herbie always wanted to be taller but he was just you know a basic heighted man and he would comb his hair up real high and
he would wear these tall tall shoes and the shoes were probably three inch heels but they were full you know flats they were three inch flats and i mean he he never looked tall he looked like a he looked like a short person stuck between some heels and really combed high hair that's what he looked like somebody that was like he had bookends the heels and the hair and he never made it real tall and that boy that man's name was herbie and
he played with us in the neighborhood sometimes and he was natural he didn't do anything wild even though sometimes people want to be wild um he didn't do anything like that but thank you guys for being here with me today uh you know i just got a limited setup out here and i've been out here in at clusterfest in san francisco and this city is man this is the most diverse place maybe i've ever been outside of san jose california you can't
even if you wanted to be racist you couldn't you can't tell what anybody is you couldn't be racist really if you really wanted to because you couldn't narrow man you could not narrow it down you know if you want to get unraced this is a place to come because it's just so and everybody's gender neutral and then gender fluid and double gender and you know people got you know people have they might have a penis, but they got vaginas tattooed all around their penis.
And they got every, it's, you know, it's a real, I mean, it's, it's full throttle.
It's full throttle up here when it comes to when it comes to diversity.
But thank you guys for tuning in.
Man, I had a, you know, I had a lot that happened this week.
And I want to thank everybody too for, you know, we hit 100 episodes last week.
And I don't know if I want to get into it because the voicemails and stuff, you know, I'm running off of just my own laptop and I don't have my producers here.
You know, not that I need my producers to help, but I don't want to electrocute myself because some of this equipment looks pretty randy.
This shit seems pretty, you know, just a little bit randy to me.
So can you guys hear me better?
Is that better?
Sorry.
You know, I had, I'll tell you this.
Listen to what happened to me last night.
So last night, you know, I'm feeling like I'm feeling.
It's late at night.
And sometimes at night for me, my crotch starts to think.
And it starts thinking about, you know, other crotch, the other kind of crotch.
And so that's kind of happening to me a little bit, just natural because I'm here by myself.
And, you know, I had a smoothie.
And so I tried to drink that because that's not like, you know, a smoothie is not like a vagina, but it's like pouring a vagina down your throat a little bit.
So I had a smoothie, hoping that would take the edge off of my, you know, my wiener trying to be, you know, trying to be fancy and trying to look out the window.
Like, cause I got that kind of dick.
I'll be laying in bed and I'll see my dick over there looking out the blinds.
Like, dang, my dick trying to be around, trying to be around town.
And so anyhow, I was feeling kind of depressed, actually.
And I'll tell you what happened next.
I'll tell you what happened next.
But first, yeah, I'm feeling kind of depressed.
I woke up, fell asleep.
I woke up, it's like 3.30 in the morning, and I went downstairs to smoke a cigarette.
And I hadn't been having any cigarettes, man, because I didn't want any.
And I hadn't had any for three days.
Man, I was feeling so proud of myself because that's the hardest thing to do.
I don't care, you know, I know some people have been prisoners of war and stuff like that.
And that shit, I'm sure, I'm sure it's tricky.
You know, being locked up for months or years even and stuff like that.
But also, what is tricky is quitting cigarettes and getting that nicotine just expunged from your body.
And I'll do anything, man.
You know, I was doing all kinds of stuff to not be around it.
I was doing deep breathing, like kind of La Maz.
If you do like Lamaz, people don't realize this, it's for pregnant ladies to help them get a baby out of their, you know, their front booty, that puss.
But it also will help you if you are having a craving for a cigarette.
You know, Lamaz is powerful.
People don't use Lamaz as much as they should.
I mean, you could be in traffic and do some fucking and it will help you.
Lamaz underestimated.
But anyhow, I wake up at 3.30.
I went downstairs to have a cigarette.
And when I left out of my room, out of my hotel room, they had a girl in the hallway bouncing around, some little Muppet, this tattooed, you know, I mean, she was like a damn Neanderthal or Neanderthal or Thalus.
A Neanderthalstress.
She was just bouncing around like a ping-pong ball in the hallway.
And I saw her, and I walked by her, and I said, are you okay, ma'am?
And she just kind of mumbled something.
And then I thought, oh, she might be drunk.
But then I also thought she might be sleepwalking.
Because people do all kinds of stuff in their sleep.
People don't realize that.
You know, I had an uncle used to jerk off in his sleep.
And they made him wear these jingle bells on his wrists to shut him down.
You know, and some nights we'd hear him in the other room, you know what I'm saying, dashing through the snow.
And that was, and it wasn't even a seasonal thing.
And it's kind of scary when you're thinking about, you know, you wake up out of a cold sleep and you hear jingle bells and you think it's Christmas, but then it's just, you know, it's somebody in the family yagging out, you know, spraying out in their sleep.
So it's hard to hold that against them, you know, because it's kind of pedophili behavior to be masturbating and knowing that there's children in the next room.
But if you're doing it in your sleep, then who's to blame there?
You know, your subconscious, you know, I mean, that is, that's really second-level dark arts there.
So anyhow, anyhow, I got up.
The girl's in the hallway.
She was bouncing around.
I thought she was maybe just walking around in her sleep in the hallways.
And they say don't wake somebody up if they're sleepwalking or whatever, because they might, I don't know why they say that, actually.
Yeah, why do they say that?
Don't wake them up.
You might scare them.
Yeah, well, you know what?
Also might scare them that they're fucking walking around in the middle of nowhere.
That's scary.
That's kind of the dumbest rule.
Don't wake somebody up if they're walking around in their sleep.
Here's my new rule.
Fucking wake them up and tell them, hey, jackass, shut it down.
Or I will get a damn, you know, one of those blow dark guns or whatever they used to, you know, when monkeys get out on television and some man shows up and shoots it and it falls off the power lines, but it's going to wake up later and be in like a safety cage.
I'll get one of those weapons.
Anyhow, I go downstairs and I have this cigarette.
And they got to, you know, San Francisco, this place has mastered the art of homelessness.
I mean, they have, and I think part of it is too expensive to live here.
You could be a regular person here with a regular job And you're fucking, you are homeless, you know.
You are Sans Casa.
So I go down there, I have my cigarette, I come back up.
This girl is walking the same way down the hallway that I am when I'm walking back to my room.
It's 4 a.m.
She's right up on me, and I said, 'Ma'am, are you okay?' She's like, 'Yeah, she was kind of a bitch, to be honest.
And I'm not saying she was a bitch as a woman.
I'm not calling a woman a bitch.' I'm saying this bitch was acting like one.
And I put my key in the door.
She comes right in my room, like B-lines kind of right in, like a really fast sleepwalker, like somebody that's sleep running now, like running in their sleep, bruh, like the nocturnal Carl Lewis, you know, what the fuck?
That's dangerous.
But, you know, they say you're still not supposed to wake them up because they, you know, they might, you might scare them.
So, and she doesn't have shoes on, and she wasn't homeless looking.
This lady looked, you know, she was a bit of kind of a Frompkin.
You know, she was that, she looked kind of like a eye, like kind of a, like a little bit of a marshmallow meatball.
And she rolls in, she had a couple tats and shit.
She gets straight into my bed and lays down, puts the covers on her.
And I'm like, damn, this Nismeanch is Goldilocking.
She's out here Goldilocking, man.
So I get alarmed, right?
Because this is, dude, this is Me Too Central here.
This is San Francisco.
They're waiting for some dude to jerk off off of a balcony or something.
It lands on a lady's shoulder.
Next thing you know, she's suing.
So it's, you know, everybody's busted up around here.
Everybody's upset and fired up and looking to, you know, they're hanging libidos from every street lamp, male libidos.
So I prop my door open now because I don't want my door closed.
I don't want there to be any, you know, miscommunication.
I don't know this woman.
She's laying in my bed.
So I said, ma'am.
And I'm saying ma'am because I don't want there to be any, if somebody overhears something, I don't want anybody hearing girl or anything that sounds wild.
Anything that's going to get daddy locked up or get my dick or nuts locked up.
So I start saying, you got to go.
You got to go.
And she looks up and she's like, don't be mean.
And then lays back down.
Don't be mean.
I'm not being mean.
This is my room.
You know, you're squatting.
So she keeps being mean.
She keeps saying stuff.
And I'm like, you need to go.
She's like, peh.
Phew.
Phew.
You know, like, I'm not good.
Like, pee.
Like, leave me alone.
So I'm thinking, well, man, I'm going to call the front desk.
And here's the thing, like, but if I call the front desk, then I'm thinking they come upstairs.
Are they going to believe just me?
Are they going to believe some man that there's a girl in his room?
He doesn't know who she is.
What if she wakes up and says, I did something?
That's all she has to do is wake up and say, he did, he tried.
And then I'm in trouble.
Man, I was like, I was scared.
And then I was going to make a video.
And I'm like, but then I'm thinking, well, if I put this video up, what if she doesn't like the video?
You know, what if she sees it?
She gets upset at it.
Then she could accuse me of something just to make herself feel better.
So finally, I went over there and shook him.
I know you're not supposed to wake these people up if they're sleepwalking, but I don't give a fuck.
At this point, this lady is sleep trespassing.
You know, I don't even know who she's working for.
She's working for, you know, the devil.
I don't know what she's doing.
You know, she has narcolepsy.
When I was in junior high, we had a librarian, and he was a beautiful kind of mixed gentleman.
He said he was French, and he might have been.
Who fucking knows, dude?
Nobody listened to the librarian.
But he, this man, Pierre Fabra, and Pierre Fabra would fall asleep, and he would like be teaching us about the Dewey Dance.
And he'd fall asleep with his mouth open.
And he looked like a little sugar donut.
You know, he was, you know, he had that beautiful French color, kind of a, you know, a beige.
And I said, you know, I'm all about beige power.
He had that beige, that beige tint, you know, that black and white kind of that rond de jam, that mix going on side of him.
And he would just, he would be like, oh, you guys need to read.
And he would fall asleep with his mouth open.
So then us kids, we would try to shoot spitballs into his mouth while he was asleep.
Anyhow, finally, I get this girl up and I walk her out into the, I tell her she has to leave.
I kind of walk her out into the hallway, close the door, and she's gone.
And I lay down, say a little prayer because I don't want to get in any trouble.
And I didn't do anything.
And then like 30 seconds later, I hear her arguing with somebody, like two doors over.
I'm sure she just went to the next door and tried to get in there.
But I'm guessing she didn't have any shoes on and she didn't have dirty feet.
So I'm thinking that she probably, if I had to guess, she was sleeping in a room.
She got up to urinate and that's normal or natural.
You should never feel ashamed about that.
And then she got stuck.
She went out the door of the hotel room into the hall instead of going to the bathroom.
And then she got lost and confused.
But man, that had me, you know, first of all, if I was a straight pervert, dude, I could have, you know, there are some guys that would have acted out, you know, that would have ruffled them feathers, that would have tried to fuck that goose.
You feel me?
So I was thankful at that moment that I wasn't just a straight pervert or a straight, you know, I was just, because you don't know sometimes until you get in a position.
Let's be honest.
I can tell you right now, I would never do this.
I would never do that.
I would never do that.
But you don't know.
You say you don't steal.
But what if there's a million dollars suddenly just sitting somewhere next to you?
You know, it's like you just don't know sometimes what you're going to do until you're there.
But I was glad that I didn't have that dark artist inside of me that sponged, you know, that flared up and popped, you know, popped some, you know, popped Cock or something went at this girl, or tried to, you know, even just touch a titty or something like that.
And she, you know, she was kind of, she didn't really take care of herself.
Like, I don't, like, I don't mind, you know, some strong, I don't mind some gristle, but she had that just, she was real floppy disc.
And I like a little bit more of a hard drive.
I don't mind that gristle.
You know, I don't mind that, you know, I don't mind, you know, these skinny gals sometimes like making love to a can of pickup sticks.
You know, it's like kind of putting your penis in a pillowcase full of deer antlers.
You know, I like a girl that's got a little bit of that, that, you know, a little harumph to her.
So that was something wild that happened.
What else?
Outside of that, I just had kind of a crazy weekend here, man.
I had a couple of sets I got to open up for Jim Jeffries, and that was magical with him and Forrest Shaw, who's one of the writers on the Jim Jeffries show, and I got to work with them, and there's 5,000 people in this venue.
And so, man, you walk out and dude, it feels, what did it feel like?
And it felt, I didn't feel special, you know, because I feel a responsibility.
I feel, you know, my responsibility is to entertain, is to make these people feel some kind of joy or make them laugh or make them, you know, make them feel something good.
So I felt, you know, here's what I felt.
I didn't feel super nervous, so I felt like I could do my job.
And so then I felt, I felt grateful.
I felt good.
I felt good that, man, I'm so glad I don't feel nervous right now so that I can do my job well.
Because, you know, seven years ago or something, I get a, you know, I do a big theater or get out, I would have been way more nervous.
And so it's nice.
It's nice to not have those nerves just, you know, just nerves, for me, nerves are like these little bitty reminders all over.
Like it's like these little reminders just hanging off of your soul and your brain.
And they just remind you that maybe you can't.
That's what my nerves are like.
And that's, I don't like feeling that.
Maybe you can't.
They're like these little just ornaments if my soul was a tree and they were little ornaments, but they're mean ornaments.
And they just all just have maybe you can't written on the ornament.
And that's what it feels like a lot of times when I get nerves, but I was happy to not have them.
Then fast forward, I did a show outside, and I won't do this again.
Dude, it was outside.
It's in front of like the Capitol or something in San Francisco.
I don't know.
And I had to go first.
And I told my manager, I don't do well going first because the first person has to warm the crowd up.
And that's not my strong suit.
You know, some things people are good at.
Like if you play baseball, you might, you know, some people are good at batting.
Some people are good at second base, pitcher.
Some people are good at outfield.
Some people are good at coaching.
Some people are good at just standing off to the side of third base, scratching their crotch when other people run by.
But one thing that I'm not good at is one thing I'm not good at is starting out the show because it's like you got to get everybody warmed up and excited.
I'm more of a little bit more, I feel like a relief pitcher.
I'm not a close.
I'm a close.
I'll fucking close.
But I can't work that first inning.
I don't do it very well.
And man, I had to get out there and dude, it was, it's like 9,000 people and they were not feeling me.
And it was just one of those sets.
Sometimes you have a set and it ain't, man, it just, dude, it's like, it's almost like your brain wants to leave so bad.
It's almost really gone.
But your body is still out there.
You almost feel like a mime because you're still doing all this stuff, getting no reaction from 9,000 people.
I heard, or this might have been my imagination, but I thought I could hear somebody sneeze about 200 yards away.
That's how bad I felt like it was going.
And, you know, people had warned me, they're like, look, you can't hear laughter outside, you know, especially in these environments because it just goes up into the air.
There's nothing to keep things around.
But man, I felt just shattered.
And that's kind of this business.
It's like you can have a high and then a low.
I mean, I was coming off the high of being in this theater.
There's 5,000 people in there and everybody had fun.
And they were, you know, it's almost as if I was talking to one person and I was feeling that joy.
And then you get up there and that joy just, you know, just like two, you know, two MS-13ers show up and just treat that joy like a dog.
Then the worst part for me, I got off stage and they had like this, there's nobody back there suddenly when I got off stage.
When I got on, a bunch of people were back there mingling, people having cocktails, you know, somebody got a new dress, you know, people are chatting, everything.
And then I get off and nobody, suddenly nobody's back there.
It looked like all the real estate was like for lease suddenly.
Oh, and then I'm standing by myself.
And do you ever see one of those?
You ever see one of those little whirling dervish things, those little...
Like in the middle and like you'll just be walking down the street and suddenly a bunch of trash will start hanging out with each other in a circle.
Like it's a big gangbang for like trash and dirt.
Like it's all just fucking real fast in the air before anybody catches it?
Suddenly one of those kicked up right on me.
Like around my feet and around like I was pigpinned from like I was like I was pigpinned from that show.
So that that was that was just so then anybody that looked over not only could you tell I was dejected but then I have this magical little dirt NATO rolling around my feet so it was a trying, it was just a trying time, but we had some special voicemails that were set up too.
Spring is here.
We had some voicemails that were set up just to be, you know, to show some gratitude that people have sent in about the 100th episode.
But I'm not in the studio, so I don't know if I'm going to play a bunch of those.
I'm going to try to play a few voicemails and hit some callers that came in.
But this episode is going to be a little bit ad-libbed.
And sometimes that's how it is, man.
What else is going on?
Oh, I got some good news.
So Ridge Wallet, they're one of our sponsors.
And if you don't have a Ridge Wallet, man, you should get one.
They're dope.
And it's a pricey item.
I'm not going to lie to you.
That's a pricey item they got.
And it's at ridgewallet.com slash Theo.
But it's like a front pocket wallet.
So especially like here in San Fran, I notice if you have a wallet in the back of your pocket, one of your butt cheeks is kind of up in the air a little bit.
And if you sit down like that, I notice when I have that big butt wallet that sometimes a lot of men will think that I am trying to be, you know, get extremely natural with them or, you know, get extremely fancy or, you know, sensual.
Because you're sitting at like a, you know, you're kind of propped up a little bit and you got that, you know, one of your, everything, like one of your tits is a little higher than the other one.
One of your shoulders is a little higher because, you know, you got that regular wallet under your butt.
And I noticed that a lot of men will be like, oh, who's that little, you know, who's that little prudent little flamingo over there?
But it's like, it's like, nah, nah, buckaroo.
You know, I'm trying to just, you know, I'm Vulva only for daddy.
But, but they don't see that because you propped up because one of your butt cheeks is higher than the other and it gives you that flair.
And a lot of men will take that flare as like a flirt action.
So the Ridge Wallet is you put it in your front pocket.
But we got a really dope thing.
Ridge wallet has said that, you know, everybody knows, you know, we've been supportive of this young gentleman named Mickey.
He just got them new duffles.
He got them new lungs in his body.
And the lungs he inherited actually came from a drug addict, a man that was on crack cocaine.
Probably a man here in San Francisco, statistically speaking.
Dude, it was sunny this week, but also this weekend, it was also probably a 70% chance of crack outside.
But Ridge has said that they want to bring Mickey down, and they want to take him and me skydiving together.
So he doesn't even know it yet.
He may hear this episode and learn about that.
But I thought that that was pretty magical that they reached out and did that.
So we're grateful to them.
And so that's something that's going to happen.
That'll happen.
We'll put that out on regular YouTube.
I was going to say we'll put it on Patreon, but that's a real thing.
You know, I don't know if Mickey can take them crack lungs up in the atmosphere.
You know, I don't want him finding a new addiction.
Because that's another thing I'm worried about for Trick Long Mickey is that if he has lungs that were addicted to crack, okay?
And that man died, but those lungs are still alive.
You know, them crack sacks.
And if now if Mickey has them, you're telling me he might not start smoking crack someday?
That's kind of wild to think.
It's really, really kind of wild to think.
You know, in the future, you know, who knows what happens in the future.
I thought about this the other day.
Wouldn't it be cool if you had a pair of pants, right?
And if you urinated in them, the pants were just like one color, like white.
But when you urinated in them, the urine, the moisture, revealed a design in the pants.
So instead of people being like, dang, boy, you know, Sherman pissed his knickers.
Instead, they'd be like, damn, Sherman got them Picasso pants.
Or it makes like a, you know, a cool style.
So you could piss your pants, but suddenly, you know, you got these maybe pine trees or something that show up on them.
So that way it would, you know, it would diffuse.
Because, you know, we don't do much as adults when you're young and you urinate yourself.
That shit's just, it's just one clump of urine in the front.
It would be neat if they had a pant that could prevent that and, you know, create art at the same time.
But yeah, anyway, my mind's all over the place, man.
It's just, you know, I'm out of my element.
I'm in here.
I'm caged up in the corner.
I can't even tell if this audio is working good.
This shit may all be blown out.
But sometimes this is how it is.
You're out here on the road.
You know, and I was a little intimidated this weekend, man.
I've never really performed in San Francisco.
And, you know, sometimes I just get intimidated.
Like, this place is, you know, it has that vibe of being super liberal.
And I'm, you know, I feel like I fall all around in the middle.
I don't know where I fall.
You know, I'm just trying to fucking be realistic about things.
But, you know, I just get, there were certainly some moments where I was nervous about doing some of my material.
And that's wild.
It's wild to think that, because you can't, you know, in some places you can't be sarcastic, especially in a big environment, when the environment's smaller, then you could sarcasm, you could do sarcasm anytime because people can get it.
But when people are, you know, 600 yards away sitting there listening to you, oh, that sarcasm just doesn't play.
But I had another set tonight.
I got to work with Burt Kreiser, and that was magical.
And, you know, I noticed this as a comedian, you never have two bad sets in a row.
And I believe that.
You never have two bad sets in a row.
And I knew after that second set didn't go to my liking, I was like, I know I'll have a good one next time.
And thankfully I did.
Let's check it.
We'll try some voicemails here, man.
Let's see what we can do.
It is, it's almost summer, really.
It's June.
It's June.
Let's hear this.
Hey, what's up, Theo?
This is Eric from Baton Rouge.
What's up, Eric, from Baton Rouge down there in the red stick, and my brother lives down there, and he has three children down there, and they're all his children and his wife's.
Let's hear it.
Louisiana, and it's June 1st, and I just saw a June bug.
So, just wanted to comment on the punctuality of the InstaC community.
Oh, thank you for that call, Eric.
You know, and I'll say this, Eric.
You think Mother Nature is not going to be on time?
Yeah, it's June.
You saw a June bug.
Dude, that's Mother Nature.
Bro, whatever clock we have, this wallet, this Timex or whatever, this iPhone, that shit is, that don't matter.
Mother Nature's got the clock.
She's the one with the butt.
She knows when this is all going to end.
Mother Nature has that clock.
So she might send out a June bug or a December viper.
Whatever.
That bitch has got these animals on time.
I mean, she's the real Barnum and Bailey.
You know, people want to talk about feminism and, you know, female empowerment.
Could there be any greater powers in the world than the feminine wilds?
Mother nature.
They don't say Daniel nature.
They don't say Richard nature.
They don't say Loveltris nature or Ying Sun.
Mother nature.
It's a woman.
And she's cracking that whip, dude.
Only a woman could keep all this so organized.
All the gardening of the universe.
Pushing the waves up and down, up and down.
Doing volcanoes.
I mean, that's...
Besides maybe Kim Jong?
Kim Jong Ken.
No.
You know who the fuck I'm talking about?
Little Korea.
That little Korean, you know, that little dude.
He looks like a pizza chef kind of buddy from Korea.
Yeah, he would maybe do volcanoes outside of that Mother Nature.
But yeah, she's sending June bugs, man.
She'll do whatever.
The bison, she's got them ready to rock when they need to run across the Serengeti.
She knows that 90 of them are going to get hit by lions.
She knows what's up.
Mother Nature ain't playing games.
So I'm not surprised, man, but I appreciate that call.
Let's get another one here.
We'll rock in and out of a few calls, man, if this appears to be working.
Thank you guys for joining us this week.
We'll get back to a regular episode.
We might do it on Thursday, a full episode, instead of have a guest.
We might do, we'll do something.
I do want to celebrate a little bit more the fact that we made it through 100 episodes.
Dude, I remember there were nights I was doing this and I did not want to, honestly.
You know, there would be nights where, you know, especially when I first started, I was real heavy into, you know, and a lot of y'all know this, into the dark arts and into doing, you know, self-pleasure and self-skeet, you know, and just skeeting out and pleasuring myself.
And I remember one day I had just abused myself really to exhaustion sensually.
You know, looking at just, you know, different types of labbyas and everything on the internet.
And, you know, I was just caught up.
And I just, you know, my body, there was nothing coming out.
There was like even a 0% chance of any coom really flying out of my body.
And I'm not trying to be vulgar, but I am trying to be honest with you right now.
And I would still, you know, have to put the, you know, I'd still put the podcast up.
And that was crazy.
You know, just not wanting to, but still setting the cameras up and getting it set up and getting the audio.
And then the editing.
Dude, in the beginning, we didn't have it set up where you could play a voicemail or a song and have it all be in the same audio track.
So we had to take the separate audio tracks and lay them all in and sync them up.
Man, I remember it being noon the next day.
I'd been up all night and I wasn't even doing cocaine anymore.
So I was up all night on just, you know, just on the Lord's cocaine, just air, oxygen.
And having to just get that thing up.
I remember being in Illinois last year and I had to drive to somebody's yard, get close enough to their house and steal their internet because it's middle of nowhere and use their internet to upload at five megabytes per second or something.
You know, that lady came out in the morning.
She's all fucking pissed, trying to get me to leave.
I said, I can't leave for 11 minutes.
I said, I've been uploading this thing for two and a half hours.
And if I pull off even six feet away from your house right now, this thing's going to stop and I'm going to have to start over.
Man, just, you know, a lot of different times.
But, you know, the beauty in this has been for me is just that you guys showed up and that I had to get it up and that we did it.
You know, that's my favorite pronoun a lot of times is we.
You know, sometimes people will be like, oh man, when are you coming to perform?
And I'll be like, oh, we are coming at this time.
I use we a lot.
Somebody like, what'd you do this weekend?
I'll be like, oh, we went to, because I don't like to feel alone, I think.
You know, I'd rather just somebody assume that I'm not alone.
And maybe I'd rather me assume that I'm not.
I think by saying we a lot makes me feel that way.
But yeah, man, and I'm trying to think of some of the other times, but I do feel a little out of my element here in this hotel.
So, but yeah, a lot of times we put this thing up.
One camera, I did an episode in a car one night just by the light of the little light in the front.
Oh, we have some cool guests coming up.
Dr. Drew is going to come in.
Just locked him down to come in.
So that Chris Ryan episode was really interesting, I thought.
You know, I want to talk to him more.
We just talked really About, you know, one of the things I felt like we talked about was, you know, if you want to be in a more open sexual environment.
But I would love to hear his thoughts more on, you know, what it's like, because a lot of people, that's not what they, that's not going to help them.
You know, a lot of people, that's not fitting for their life.
You know, talking to my brother and he was saying that, you know, there's something special when you have a connection with somebody and you come home and, you know, and you both of you guys have been, or, you know, have been good to each other and you guys are in a marriage that's connected,
that there's nothing like that feeling, you know, of having that person and having that nest, that, you know, even that sensual, where it all comes together kind of in some of those moments of even just laying next to each other.
You know, and there's something, there's a real, as much as there is a bravery for men and women that are open to try open relationships and be able to communicate honestly, there's a bravery and there's something amazing about the stick-to-itiveness of people to say, this is the choice I've made and this is the choice I'm going to make the most of.
And I wish we'd have gotten in a little bit more that I wanted to pick his brain a little, but I'm still learning how to interview.
You know, I'm still learning, you know, how to listen.
But it's just been great, man.
This whole experience has just been super, and I'm so excited to be able to reach out to new guests.
And if you have a guest that you want on, let us know who they are and let them know.
Say, hey, you would be great.
Send them a DM.
Send them a message.
And say, hey, you would be great on this guy's podcast.
You should go on there.
Let's take this call here.
Theo, what's up, man?
It's Chuck.
Listen, I just realized I think I may be in a little bit of the dark arts business myself.
Oh, big Chucky's out there DAing, huh?
You sleepwalking?
You sleepwalking in motels, huh?
You sleepwalk at a Ramada.
Somebody will fucking pull out a pistol, bro.
Okay, Hombert.
You see, I'm in that taxidermy game.
Ooh.
Really?
Now, that might be a dark art, boy.
You hiding cotton in the bodies of animals?
Dang, are you making stuffed animals out of real animals?
Dude, the reason why we came out with stuffed animals is because we didn't want people like you doing all of that.
That's crazy to me, man.
Think about that.
You know, think about this, though.
What if they started doing taxidermy for people?
You know, you could have your grandfather just have both of his arms up in the air and you could make him in like a coat rack.
Put his tongue coming out of his mouth.
You could hang your hat right there.
Two coats on him or maybe six coats if he's a strong grandparent, if he, you know, still didn't have much osteoporosis.
And you could have him just right by the door just all taxidermied up.
You know, don't forget your jacket.
Pop Pop has it.
Let's hear more.
Thanks for calling, Chuck.
You know, where, like, people go out and find an animal that's not quite ready to be dead, but they make it dead and then bring it to me in hopes that I can make it look alive again.
Ooh, I didn't think about that.
Because I bet that's starting to happen.
There's so many people that are, I think it's wonderful to be an animal lover.
And because if you can love an animal, it just shows, I mean, that's just practice for loving humans.
And that's a beautiful thing.
I mean, you know, there's so many creatures out there.
You know, and Mother Nature knows what she's doing with all of them.
And even a June bug, you know, probably have feelings.
You know, and it probably has feelings all year round.
But to think that there's probably people that are starting to overly love animals, like to the point where I think it's not healthy.
I think there are animal addicts.
And I could see, now that you mentioned this, Chuck, I could see someone wanting to keep an animal in its prime.
And so then they exterminate their animal, their own loved animal, just to have it taxidermy to keep it how they want it.
And that's, I mean, that is, I mean, that's real, that's pretty much sorcery.
When you look at that, that is, that's probably grade A sorcery.
More, Chuck?
And sometimes people just bring delicious animals that they've eaten, and they want them to look like they did before they were eaten.
So it's just a lot of different reasons.
What?
Wait, hold on.
People bring delicious animals that they've eaten, they want it to look like, oh, oh.
So you're saying maybe somebody get that Thanksgiving turkey, you know, that prize bird, that prize seasonal partridge, and they eat it, but then they want it to look like they didn't eat it.
That's a new diet, more.
But I just got to thinking about it and I'm afraid that the taxidermy might be in a dark art.
It's not that I'm getting out, but it's definitely borderline at least.
Oh, well, I mean, you're definitely perverse.
It's definitely perverse.
If you're stuffing cotton or textiles into the deceased body of an animal, dude, that's Slytherin.
There's no, man, you ain't Gryffindor, Daddy.
That's Slytherin.
And if you can sleep at night, then that's very interesting to me.
All right, let's take another call here.
Here we go.
Onward.
What's up, Theo?
This is Rico, and I'm a driver out there delivering to restaurants.
What's up, Rico?
Thank you for being a driver, and thank you for delivering to restaurants, man.
You know, my mother delivers newspapers, and she delivers different items too.
And when I was young, she used to deliver cookies.
They had a company called Vortman, V-O-O-R-T-M-A-N.
And she would get these huge cases of cookies.
I mean, one of them boxes probably had 400 cookies.
Ginger snaps, and you could smell, I was a kid, So you could smell that fucking ginger, dude.
And I know she would have all these boxes.
She had this Volkswagen rabbit.
And my mother would have that thing stacked to the fucking brim, boy, about 600 pounds of sweet rounds in that thing of cookies.
And man, I would get it.
Sometimes I would sneak her keys out of her purse and I would go in there at night in that car and I would open the door and I would lay on top of all those cookies, man.
And I would just sleep right there on top of those cookies.
And man, there was nothing more.
There was nothing more wonderful for me than that.
I mean, it was just imagine the smell.
At that point, I'm laying on top of, no joke, probably 2,500 individual cookies all grouped together in boxes.
I mean, that's like an army of cookies.
And I could just smell them all, man, coming into my body and coming into my fucking system.
And this is before I start.
I'm glad I wasn't masturbating or anything at that point because you're going to tell me, you're telling me that you wouldn't.
You laying in a bed of 2,500 sweet traits and you ain't going to just make your own frosting?
Yeah, man.
Yeah, man.
Let's hear more.
Anyway, I just got a suggestor for you, bro.
You know, I'm a recovering drug addict.
Oh, man.
Well, I appreciate you calling and congratulations.
You're in recovery.
That's a brave thing.
You know, one thing about being here in San Francisco, it is, I mean, you walk down the street, I saw two people shooting up here, shooting up.
And in Los Angeles, you can see that by Skid Row and stuff like that, but I'd never seen that just out in the wild, you know, in normal areas.
You know, like you're looking in a window and they got a gap or something, and then you look over and they got a dude putting a needle into one of his gaps.
So it's definitely different here.
So congratulations on being a recovering drug addict.
Oh, this reminds me really quick.
Let's listen to your call and then I'll go into my story onward.
I actually read this book by Russell Brand, the comedian called Recovery, and I think maybe you could see if you could have him on as a guest and you could interview him.
He was on Joe Rogan's podcast.
It was a real good interview, but they didn't really talk too much about the drug addiction, the drug addiction stuff.
Excuse me.
And, you know, just check it out.
See what can happen and keep it up, man.
Even if you can't get him or whatever.
But just a suggestion, bro.
I appreciate the suggestion there, Rico.
Thank you.
Thank you for calling in, man.
And best of luck to you in your recovery, dude.
That's brave of you.
That's brave, man.
And you're doing brave stuff for yourself.
And that's inspiring.
I'll remember this.
It reminded me of the first time I ever came to San Francisco.
And I came here.
I was working as a tour manager for a musician.
And I came here, and we got into town, we got into the hotel, and next thing you know, we go outside and it's dark out.
It's late.
And we were in an area there wasn't a lot of food opportunities.
There wasn't a lot of places where you could really satiate your stomach and fill your body with food.
And I walked outside and they had a homeless guy.
I don't know if he was homeless, but he definitely, it looked like if he had a home, that he hadn't been there in maybe two or three years.
So at least a dude that had lost his keys and his address.
And he, and I was like, what is that guy doing?
He was looking at, this was in Gap, that store Gap was really popular, and they had models in the windows.
And a picture of a beautiful brunette girl, kind of Rubinesque a little bit, you know, a little, you know, natural looking, a regular lady.
But she was very beautiful.
She had freckled skin and she had red hair.
And I like red hair.
And I like other colors too, but I also, I do like red hair.
And because that's the fire.
You know what I'm saying?
When you got fucking straight fire coming out of your body via your hair.
So, but this man, he ran across the street.
They had a plug-in, an outdoor plug-in.
He had a radio, like a plug-in radio where you find a radio station, transistor radio.
He runs across the street, plugs it in, and he tunes it, and he put it on Nora Jones.
This was a musician that was popular.
And she had a song called, Come Away With Me.
Then this man ran across the street back to the Gap Ad.
Now with Nora Jones just filling this street up and there was nobody else around.
It was just a dead area.
It was like an area where people, I guess, would shop a lot during the day.
So at night, those areas are generally pretty dead because that's more of a commercial district.
And this man started masturbating and touching himself outdoors and touching his own body and touching his dick outdoors.
And it, you know, it made me feel like, wow, like even at the lowest, you know, and I don't want to say the lowest levels of humanity, but even at a very visceral level of humanity, like being homeless or having been not home in a long time and being dirty and being, that there was still some romance in this man.
There was still, you know, he wasn't just going to jerk off to this woman he didn't know in the window.
You know, he had chosen to put on some music and make it a moment.
And that was just, I don't know, I don't know what that did to me in the rest of my life or what it continues to do or how that will come into play in my future.
But it was very interesting to see that even at such a, you know, what we consider a low level of existence, that that man had chosen to make a moment.
You know, and I guess we can do that.
No matter how tough things are, you know, if we can make that little extra step, you know, we can maybe take ourselves out of the exactness of what something is.
You know, because this man was just jerking off outside of a gap, outside of business hours.
But when he put the music on, it filled the streets, and this woman's voice was beautiful.
And you didn't, I didn't, I don't know.
It was almost like a ballet, you know, like a ballet with a dick in it.
Kind of, I don't know, I'm out of my mind, dude.
It's been a crazy weekend.
Anyway, let's hear more.
Thank you for calling about that recommendation.
Now, there's a good example.
Go tell Russell Brand to come on this podcast.
And I'll tell him, too.
I will ask him.
Let's take another call here.
Here we go.
Theo, it's Jay again in Denver.
How you doing, man?
Thanks for calling, Jay, in Denver.
And what did I just see in Denver?
Oh, they had a man who worked for the FBI.
He was dancing at a party, did a backflip.
His gun flew out of his belt and landed on the ground.
When he picked it up, he accidentally shot somebody in the crowd.
So there you go.
Let's hear more.
You're killing it, as always.
Of course, I'm still supporting Theo Vaughn.
It was such an honor to be on the show, man.
It was great to talk to you in that way.
And, of course, a callback to talk about Roseanne.
But I want your perspective, man.
I know you're planning to talk on it if you haven't already, but in the spirit of the Theo, I think the best thing that could come of this is if Roseanne and Valerie Jarrett talk to each other, maybe for the people, for the people to see.
I appreciate you asking what my thoughts are on it.
And if you guys have thoughts on, you don't want to know my thoughts on something, you're always welcome to call and ask me.
And you can hit the hotline for any questions or any issues you have, 985-664-9503.
You know what?
I love that idea.
Because in that idea, you're going to get, you know, we're in this time where nobody wants the full, nobody wants to know why people do something anymore.
But I believe that people do want to know.
I believe that, I don't think that Twitter is a great source for anything.
Twitter is just, I mean, Twitter is like, it's like junior, it's like middle school.
But I think that on the Roseanne topic, I mean, first of all, Roseanne is from a different, you know, she's going to say edgy wild shit.
She's Roseanne.
Who do you think she is?
You think she's not Roseanne?
You think she's Dakota Fanning?
You think she's Debbie Schultz-Wasserman?
Or you think she's Buster Rhymes?
No, she's Roseanne Barr.
She grabbed her Vulva one time and spit during the national anthem.
She is Roseanne.
So is somebody surprised that she made disparaging comments or even racial comments at somebody on Twitter?
You know, I think it's wild how we ever, anything that even could be racist now is definitely racist.
But it's like, what do you expect out of Roseanne?
That's what you're going to get.
And it's also, what do you expect when you give a 65-year-old or whatever she is, 63 or something, a Twitter account?
It's like, that's what you're going to get.
So I'm not surprised by it at all.
It also seemed like some stuff was going on over there with that show.
Maybe people didn't like working there with her or didn't like the environment.
You know, I know Whitney Cummings had been working there and then quit the show or this was a few weeks ago.
This was a few weeks before the debacle happened with Roseanne and how she was tweeting and how she gets into the politics of it all.
And it's just, I mean, it is a time where if you have a conservative voice or you're angry at, I mean, Hollywood is devoutly liberal and you can't speak on it.
You can't, and it's almost better for you really not to get into it.
Because these days we are being like performers, everyone is being held, it seems like, to, you know, they're being held.
Everything you do can affect everything you do.
You know, you're being held.
Your character, your human, your character as a human can affect your character on a show, if you play on a show.
And it's just a different time.
Do I think that that's great?
Do I wish we didn't have that?
I wish we didn't know what anybody's political views were.
You know, I really wish that a lot of times.
And I think if you meet somebody in person, then a lot of times you don't know.
You know, it used to be the thing was a couple things you don't talk about, politics and your sex life.
Because, you know, those things would cause controversy and those things would, you know, anger people.
Or those things would start arguments.
But I do think that the best thing, I don't know if ABC made the best move by canceling the show because then everyone is affected by her choice.
I mean, that gives her in a weird way, it gave her a lot of power.
And it gave her a lot of, you know, she made that mistake.
She did that.
You know, of course, look, some people say, look, she fucking tweeted what she wants.
Who gives a fuck?
Yeah, kind of.
She's a comedian.
I can understand if she's running a school and she says that.
But she's a comedian.
She wants to be edgy.
She wants to say something ridiculous.
I'm not surprised by that.
She's a fucking comedian.
She's not a chef.
So, you know, it's weird.
It's like, don't let somebody be a comedian anymore.
Let's quit calling it comedy.
And I don't know.
Maybe she wasn't trying to be funny.
Maybe she was just being mean.
You know, I don't know some of the gist of all of it.
But it didn't seem like, you know, she didn't.
I don't know.
She didn't use the N-word, but she definitely...
It was just dumb by her because she knows.
She knows that.
She knows better.
And maybe she was on Ambient.
Maybe she's 65. I mean, look, there's a real possibilities.
But yeah, I would have loved to have seen those two women be able to sit and talk about it.
You know, We have this weird thing where once we can actually learn something from a situation, especially with Hollywood, they shut it down.
You know, I've said this before with the 18 kids encountering or whatever at that TV show.
Remember that?
And they had one of the kids had touched another one's titty or kid titty, whatever it's called when you're a kid.
I don't think it's like a just a kid titty.
And then they shut the whole show down because some, you know, allegations that come out that when one of the kids was 11 and one of the kids was 15, that one of the kids had touched one of the, one of the, the boy had touched one of the girls.
There's 17 or 18 kids in the house had touched one of them's vagina or titty.
And first of all, I've said this before, but when you have 18 kids in a house, you can't even reach for the light switch probably without touching somebody's ass.
There's just too many body parts in the environment.
But also, I thought, well, this is a great time for people to have a conversation about what happens when you're kids and if something kind of weird happens at the house.
Like, if they, if, and I could be getting the ages wrong, but I think they were both children.
They were both, you know, they weren't adults.
So, and look, we've all looked, I had some weird stuff happen when I was a kid.
You know, they used to have a man in our neighborhood would give us 20 bucks and he'd go and spread his ass cheeks about 40 feet away from us and just pay us to look at his freaking browser hole, you know, just to stare over at that, you know, that little, that deal he had.
You know, and sometimes he'd play that song Brown Eyed Girl too on his car stereo while he did it.
You know, that was weird.
I remember being really young and hugging my sister, like, extremely hard and pressing her against my body because I got some sort of, you know, feeling of, I don't know if it was sexual.
At the time, I didn't know it was sexual feelings.
I just, I got some different feeling.
And I wasn't, you know, doing anything, you know, overtly dirty.
But it just seemed like it would have been a good, sometimes there's a good time for, and that same guy was now older on that 18 Kids and County show, and he had gotten busted on those adult friend finder, Ashley Brown, whatever that website is called, Ashley Brown, where people log on and try to find other people's genitalia within like a 25-mile radius or whatever to go over and smell and touch and be around.
And I thought, well, this is also a great time to find out about adultery and why this man does it.
Now more than ever, I wanted to see that show.
I'd never seen it.
But now I wanted to see it when we can learn.
But so many times we shut things down right when it's a great opportunity for us to really actually learn and really share.
Because man, it's like we're just in such a desperate time to really connect.
And some of these powers that control a lot of stuff, they don't do it.
They don't let us do it.
I'd have love to have a conversation because we need to have some more conversations.
We need to have them.
Because otherwise, we're just, we're in this word fight.
And it's just, I don't know.
It's kind of scary.
But I appreciate you calling.
I didn't mean to go off on that, guys.
I don't want to, you know, if people are tired of hearing about that, then that's just wasting people's listening time.
Let's take another call.
Here we go.
Theo, man.
This is Alex from Baltimore, Maryland.
Theodo, I just want to let you know.
Baltimore, man, a great place to join the Navy and also to get onto opiates.
I've seen people walking down the street in Baltimore, both eyes closed, walk seven, eight blocks.
And that's brave shit, man.
Onward.
Man, absolutely love your comedy.
Recently found out about your podcast.
It's really been helping me get through kind of a tough time.
Ended a relationship with somebody, been together with this girl for about six and a half years.
Wow.
That's a commitment, man.
That's a marriage.
That's two marriages these days.
That's a commitment, man.
I'm sorry to hear that more.
We're all set to get engaged, and she called it off, and also involved a house.
So there's that.
Ooh.
So you had the marriage.
She called it off, and that must have been tough on her, too.
Oh, just that pressure, that last minute.
And let's hear more.
Onward.
So yeah, I lost a girlfriend and a house.
And happened about four months ago.
You know, pretty tough time getting through it.
But man, I've been listening to your podcast just about every day.
And it cracks me up.
And it's nice to hear that everybody's got their struggle.
And yeah, I just want to say I appreciate it.
Thank you, Alex.
You're welcome.
We're happy that we're here, too.
Yeah.
And people calling and talking about their struggles, man, it's like, that's who we are.
That's who I am for me.
I am my struggles, man.
I am my struggles.
Because the struggle is when I, the more I see it, like, I've never reached a goal in my life and been like, or reached a time in my life and been like, oh, man, finally everything's perfect.
Nah.
It's the struggles.
That's where the why, that's where the, you know, it's when you're, it's when you're in the trenches.
It's when you're having to make choices.
It's when you're having to lay there with your eyes open.
It's when you're having to show up for yourself.
It's when you're having to tell somebody how you feel, even though it hurts.
It's when you have, it's when you, you're on your way home and you get a call from a friend or something and they need something.
You're like, fuck.
But you go.
You know, it's the fucking struggles, man.
That's who we are.
That's who, I mean, that's what, that's where I learn who I am.
You know, I don't get to a, you know, it's not like you win a game and, yeah, that it feels good to win, but the part that was, it was the moments where you made the plays that felt that that was the meat.
That was the meat.
But, you know, I can only imagine how tough that is, but I know there's better things on the horizon for you or different things.
You know, you never know, man.
That girl might have, she might get hit by lightning.
And I'm not hoping that for her.
She sounded like a nice lady.
But you never know.
And guess what?
Guess what about lightning, dude?
It could kill a couple people at once.
So, and maybe that house, maybe that whole fucking thing is burning down.
You know, it's just a, you know, you don't know.
That's another thing, boy.
Mother Nature, boy, when she wants to crack that lightning whip, you never know who's going to get it.
But thanks for calling, Alex.
Let's take a call here.
This is a response.
We got a couple of responses to last week's episode.
Here we go.
Yo, Theo, this is Rio from South Georgia.
I'm a mechanic down here.
I'm just calling to fill y'all in on what you can do as far as, you know, getting good prices out of shop.
Okay, yeah, we had a call last week, and maybe the week before, I think the gentleman's name was Michael.
I'm not sure, but about how to get treated.
He was worried about how to get treated fairly.
This was a gentleman in the military.
He's worried about how to get treated fairly by a mechanic.
And here we have a mechanic calling in from South Georgia.
And I know they got vehicles breaking down over there in South Georgia.
More.
That shit gets expensive.
But what you need to do is you need to find your good shop, and you need to be loyal to them.
You need to make friends with a mechanic there.
Having a mechanic as a friend will definitely help you out.
You can call him.
He'll tell you if the price is right.
There you go.
And that's kind of a, you know, but that's a simple and that's a straightforward answer is go in there.
I think, you know, and one thing like I mentioned that can, you know, that I suggested that could create friendship is just being earnest with them.
Because, you know, if a dude fuck, here's the thing.
If you want to fuck me, go on and fuck me.
But if I'm earnest with you and you fuck me, man, I know you don't sleep that strong at night.
I know you don't.
I know you don't because when I give you that earnestness and I give you that honesty and say, hey, look, I don't know how to do this and I have some nerves.
When you're vulnerable in that moment and that man fucks you, that hangs on him.
That's a dirty ornament hanging on his inner tree.
And that ornament might even have a jingle bell in it.
So he hears that thing flare up.
And that's his.
That's his dirty ornament that he's hanging inside of himself when you show up with that vulnerability.
But thank you for calling very much there.
Here we go.
We got a call that came in for the woman from Saudi Arabia had called in.
And I actually took the call onto the Dr. Drew and Adam Corolla podcast the other day.
And we had it answered on there by Dr. Drew.
And we're going to try to package that up and we'll put that out this week, a series, the answer that happened there and the answer that came in here on this past weekend from Chris Ryan.
But here's some suggestions that you guys offered.
Here we go.
Hi, Theovon.
It is Laura from Philadelphia Garden again.
I was calling because of the brave woman from Saudi Arabia that called your podcast to talk to you about suffering with depression and suicidal thoughts and anxiety and everything.
First off, I just wanted to say that it kicks ass that she actually asked somebody for help.
I agree with you.
You know, it takes something to do that.
It takes something to ask for help.
And man, you know, I got to start putting some notes up around my house or my apartment because I don't really actually have a house.
But that remind me that, you know, I have to be brave enough to ask for help.
You know, because I need it.
Let's hear more, though.
Second, thank you for creating a place where she could call to do that.
Third, I had a couple suggestions for her because I also deal with the same, and it is a lot.
It's very difficult in this world to feel like you actually have a purpose and you're contributing.
Oh, that's such a big statement.
Yeah, we want that.
That's what we really want.
We want to feel like we have a purpose.
You know, we really want to feel purposeful.
The main way I've found to combat that is to think about the things I get to do while I'm here, things that I actually like.
And whatever those things are, I try to do them as often as I can because they make me feel good.
And that way, if you plan ahead for something that you really enjoy, you always have something to look forward to.
So that's one thing that she can do.
Another is writing all of that stuff down.
Whatever you have going on in your head or whatever you feel like in that moment, if you're upset, if you're sad, if you're happy, it's really good to sit and write those things down on paper because otherwise your brain turns into an echo chamber for the dark arts.
That's no bueno.
Oh, and that's Spanish at the end.
She hit us with that flare at the end, with that violo.
Thank you for that.
That's true.
You know, the brain is a dirty echo chamber, isn't it?
Man, my thing, it echoes into my brain.
It'll go down into my heart.
It'll come back through.
It'll go up and down and just cavernous, man.
I got these caverns in me.
Let's hear another suggestion that came in.
Thank you for that call, Laurel.
Let's hear another suggestion for the Saudi Arabia caller.
Onward.
Hey, Steve, this is Lawrence from Miami.
Just listen to the podcast.
Love the podcast.
Uh-oh, Miami Lawrence, boy.
Papa, papa.
Hey.
Oh, daddy.
More?
As much as you have me dying laughing all the time when I heard Amy's from Saudi Arabia call in, it just absolutely broke my heart.
I read a book a while back that helped change my life.
I'm not sure if it'll work for her.
It's called The Power of Now.
Hopefully you can recommend this book to her.
Hopefully it'll work for her.
And also just want her to know that down here in Miami, we appreciate her courage, for having the strength to call in.
And I want her to know that she needs to be good to herself because she definitely deserves it.
I love you, man.
Oh, thanks for that message, Lauren.
Lawrence.
Sorry, Lawrence.
Thank you, man.
Yeah.
You know, it's true.
It's, man, we're out here.
We're out here.
We.
We are out here.
That's why I say we right there.
Because, man, you know, things, shit can happen when people try to do stuff.
Gang.
And that's a great suggestion.
And I hope she hears this.
And I know that on the hotline, there's a number where the call came from.
And we'll make sure that she gets a link to this episode so that she can hear people's suggestions.
We're going to package it all up for her with Dr. Drew Pinsky's advice and also with Dr. Christopher Ryan's suggestions for whenever we played that call for him the other day.
Let's get into another call here.
This one, let's go.
Question for you about a, let's say I'm about eight, nine years old.
I go to this summer camp.
Okay, you're eight or nine.
You're at summer camp.
Go on.
They do a lot of funny, fun activities.
One of the activities that a camp counselor put on was a wrestling match.
But it wasn't just any wrestling match.
It was a bathing suit, soap and water, like real slippery type on like a slip and slide type mat.
Okay, well that sounds fun.
You guys are playing slip and slide and they got soap and water.
Wrestling though, more?
Wrestling match.
It wasn't between the kids, but it was mostly between kids trying to take down the camp counselor.
This is a big dude.
I'm talking like a bear, big old hairy guy.
Here I am, eight years old, and I'm thinking like WrestleMania, the WWE type shit.
So I'm trying to bring him down.
I'm wrestling to the ground.
And as a kid, it seemed like a wrestling match.
But the older I get, the more I'm starting to think that something funny might have been going on there.
What's your opinion on that?
Oh, it seemed like y'all got soaped up.
I mean, if a man has six or seven soaped up children climbing all over his body.
Yeah, dude.
I mean, I would just be grateful you didn't get molested, honestly.
You know?
Because you didn't get molested.
You definitely, I think you probably fulfilled some erotic thoughts of his.
You know, he's probably just feeling all those, you know, those energetic, soapy, just knee nubs going over his skin and just, you know, just having, you know, 12, you know, kids' legs wrapped around his neck at the same time.
And he probably was feeling something wild.
But I'm grateful that y'all didn't get molested.
That's where I would just keep it right there and just find some gratitude in that.
Thank you for calling.
Let's go.
Here we go.
Hi, Fia.
My name is Raj.
I'm a comic, and I saw that you're looking to have nominations sent in for a single mom to come check out your show Saturday at Cherokee Casino.
Hey, Raj, I certainly am.
A fellow comedian, Raj.
Yes, we are at Cherokee Casino there in West Silo.
And we want to do something.
We want to get a single mom out.
More?
So my nomination is a lady by the name of Kristen Switzer.
Ooh, Switzerland.
She's the office admin at my day job.
She works super hard.
She has a little daughter, and just one of the most positive people I know.
She does a ton for her community and does a ton of fundraising for animal shelters and stuff like that.
So Kristen is my nomination.
Awesome.
Well, thank you so much for that.
Yeah, man, I'll reach out to you tomorrow, and we'll get in touch and see what we can't do for her.
You may have already mentioned it to her.
If you haven't, don't mention it to her yet.
Let you and I discuss it first.
But thank you for calling.
And yeah, that's awesome, man.
You know, it makes me feel, and some people might be wondering why, you know, what our plan is with that.
And I think it's just, you know, I remember when I was a kid, you know, I didn't get, well, actually, really, I guess it's more like when I'm an adult.
You know, my mother and I have never laughed together.
And I don't know why that is.
And that's okay.
At this point in my life, we may not.
That's okay.
But that still doesn't mean that I don't want to not.
When I think even in my mother's life, I don't know if she ever has laughed in her life, really.
I mean, I know there's some moments where I have seen her laugh, but has she ever just been somewhere and just laughed and felt taken care of at the same time?
Because there's a different type of laugh you can have when you feel taken care of.
You know, when that stress of every moment isn't sitting on your skin, isn't hanging on your tree.
You can feel more intensely and you can be more open to joy.
And so I would just love to, I wish there was a moment I could remember when I was young that I knew that my mom and one of her friends or something went out to a place and just laughed.
She didn't go somewhere and just get wasted and, you know, maybe some man be rude to her or something like that or, you know, or she, you know, came home and, you know, was alone and just, you know, back in our apartment, which was sinking in the mud and, you know, felt depressed.
Or, you know, it'd be nice just to know, because I don't have that memory.
But man, to think that, you know, some higher power gave me a gift to tell jokes, you know, to make people laugh or to make them, to make them feel okay.
That's what I want to do.
You know, and I don't even think, man, I know this sounds crazy, but I don't feel like I write a lot of my jokes and stuff.
I feel like if I take care of myself that I am, this isn't my doing.
And I'm not saying it's God.
I'm not getting on some hokey level there.
But I do feel like I'm a conduit for whatever.
And if I can take care of myself, then I can best be utilized.
And if my little gift happens to be, look, tons of shit I'm not good at, dude, you know.
But one thing I can do is, you know, I can, if I'm in a good place, I can make people laugh.
And if I could, you know, if I knew there was a moment in my life where I remembered, oh, remember when mom went out and my mother honestly didn't even have any friends.
Because I think, you know, she was just, you know, my mother's, man, and I'm not talking ill about my mother.
I love my mother.
And I wouldn't exist if it wasn't for her.
And my mother, you know, I know she loves me.
Sometimes I wish that she, there were other parts of her heart maybe that could be unlocked more so that she could love to levels that I don't know if she knows exist or not.
But that's just my perception.
I don't know if that's true for her.
She may love me so immensely.
But if I could think back and know there was a time where somebody took care of me and just made her feel joy and didn't ask anything in return.
You know, that a man, and also to know that a man did that for my mother and didn't leave her with any burden.
My mother had to work all the time, dude.
My mother's always worked.
Always.
I can't think of a time when even I've asked her to want to do something, just pending work.
You know?
And maybe sometimes I think I might have gone out and laid in that car just to even be around her for a little bit, even though she wasn't in there.
You know, it was a place I knew she was so much running around driving that car that if I could just be in there for a little while by myself.
You know, maybe it was the smell of my mother, honestly.
I don't know.
You know, we're such creatures as children.
We're such animals.
We're such June bugs, aren't we?
But yeah, so that's our goal.
And will we service it?
I don't know.
This shit might fucking be ridiculous.
You know, we might have the first mother and her friend go out and they get in a fucking fist fight in the front row of the show.
Who knows?
But man, I would love to have that memory that my mother got to go out and not have had to and just know that everything was okay and be able to laugh and have some joy.
And so that's our goal.
And thank you for calling in, Raj, because you're helping right now.
Let's hear more.
Onward.
Theo, it's your girl Ashlyn.
I'm in Osaka, Japan.
Oh, Hajimi Maste.
Hajimi maste.
And that means our friendship begins in Japanese.
That's the only thing that I know.
Thanks for calling.
I just want to say fucking thank you.
And I was so happy to see Chris Ryan on your podcast, on your show.
That made me so happy.
Oh, that's cool.
Yeah, me too.
He's an interesting man.
I look forward to talking to him more.
I want to know what it's like, you know, trying to help people.
Because it seems like you devote a lot of your energy to answering other people's questions.
But I wonder, you know, maybe talking to people like Chris Ryan helps you.
Do you feel some kind of deep responsibility, the kind of calls that you get, man?
How do you balance that with just a real recognition of your own humanness and faults?
Sorry, an email came in.
Let's hear the end of that again.
Real recognition of your own humanness and faults.
And it's a lot of responsibility.
How do you handle that?
You know, this is a good question.
And maybe this is a moment where I, you know, need to say, you know, talk about needing help.
Man, we get a lot of calls.
Like, I would be lying to you if I tell you if we didn't have 600 calls come in this week.
That's a lot.
And it's a lot of, and some of it's fun stuff.
And look, I haven't even gotten to listen to all of them yet.
You know, and I don't know if this is a codependency or something to Timmy, but I feel, you know, I just feel, it makes me sad, like, if people are hurting.
You know, I don't know if that sounds fucking crazy, bro.
I'm not trying to be like a weirdo or anything.
But it just makes me sad.
You know, and I think it's easier for me probably to relate to young men that are feeling certain types of ways because I'm a young man.
But it just makes me sad.
You know, and it makes me, you know, I'm a late bloomer.
I've been a late bloomer a lot of things in my life.
You know, and a lot of my life I lived in fear.
And I feel like I'm starting to get out of that now.
And so I'm learning.
I'm in a moment.
I'm going through a lot of phases in my life where I'm learning a lot about myself.
And I'm on, I find myself even being more on a quest to learn and to learn why I feel.
Because for the first time in the past years, I've started to have feelings.
Since I got into sobriety, I just started to have more feelings.
Dude, I never had them.
So I think I'm addicted to it in a way.
But I just want to, you know, I try to keep it healthy.
And I don't know, this show has just kind of morphed into a place where people can offer suggestions to try and help other people through their experience and their strength and hope.
And I have the idea that sometimes people can call in and if they don't feel alone, then that's the first great step.
And sometimes that's, you know, what can we really do?
I don't know.
But, you know, sometimes, yeah, I wish there was more ways to help people, but maybe we'll learn more as this show goes on and we can figure more out.
But I don't know, you know, I just, I'm glad to know that people are out there feeling.
I'm glad to know that.
It's important.
And I think it's the most real thing about ourself.
You know, is what are we feeling, man?
What's going on?
You know, there's just so much shit out here these days.
It's just so not real.
And our time here is so limited.
It's like, let's fucking, let's, I don't know.
You know, I don't know.
I don't know, but I appreciate that call.
And Hajime Masha, our friendship begins.
This thing came in from a dude named Benjamin Dust Bear.
Here we go.
Hey, this is Benjamin Dust Bear again from Florida.
Again, I do not remember you the first time, but that DBZ boy, that dank gank, that Dust Bow.
So we're doing a little song for Dio.
And he's got a song for us.
Let's hear it.
The Ovon's got the drugs in his mind.
The Ovon don't even have to do a line.
Cause the drugs in his mind.
In his mind.
The Ovon's got the drugs in his mind.
He don't even have to smoke a joint.
He don't even have to pop a hand.
The Ovon's got the drugs in his mind.
The Ovon's got the drugs in his mind.
He don't even have to pop a squad.
All right, man.
The song got out of line there, but I appreciate it.
Thanks for calling in there, Benjamin.
Yeah, you know, I'm grateful to everybody that's called this week.
There are a lot more calls.
We'll get into a regular episode.
Maybe we'll do like a more regular episode on Thursday instead of having a guest in on that episode.
You know, it's just tough for me and I still have to edit this and put it up here because we don't have any producers, producer help here.
But thank you guys.
You know, thank you.
And yeah, I don't know sometimes exactly what we're doing.
You know, fuck, I don't know if we're fucking doing anything, dude.
You know?
I mean, but we're here.
We're here on earth.
You know, and we have a lot of templates in our lives that we have to live by.
You know, we have to have jobs and we have to do this and we have to eat and we have to.
But we also, we got to, you know, we got to do whatever we want.
And we can feel.
You know, and I'm trying to feel all the fucking feelings, man.
You know, and I feel like there's, we can mix like humor and feelings.
Because for me, the best humor comes out of those moments.
You know, is one thing I think for me that happened when my dad was so old growing up.
And I know I say that a lot, but, you know, having like a man, watching like a 70-year-old man, 75-year-old man chase you around the house with a belt.
You know, and I remember my brother and I would hide under my mother's bed and dude, it would take my dad 30 seconds to get kneel down onto the floor to swing the belt under the bed at us.
And it came by at like the slowest belt ever.
But we would scream like it hit us.
And we would make, you know, we would, we had to sur, you know, we had to, so it was so funny.
My brother and I are laughing so hard at this man that we love, our father, and at the same time screaming as if we're getting hit to make him and my mother believe that we were getting spanked.
You know, and then my mother never, you know, my father was never allowed to sleep in their room.
So he slept on the couch every night.
And so there was just all these weird feelings where there was just like so much real shit and so much humor going on at the same time.
You know, because we were just goofy kids.
You know, and we would always think my dad wasn't alive.
And he was just asleep.
But, you know, every time a senior citizen goes to sleep, bro, you got that, you know, you got that 9% chance that they're just going to sleepwalk on up to heaven.
So I don't know.
I don't know if I live in this weird world, but I think part of that weird world is inside of me where there's some humor and some reality, and they're just friends.
I don't know.
Maybe some of the dark arts are good.
But thank you guys so much for getting in touch and for reaching out.
The hotline, 985-664-9503.
HERPALERT.
Remember, if you got that, check it out.
H-E-R-P-A-L-E-R-T.com and you can really just get it solved and get yourself taken care of.
So that way you don't infect nobody else.
And if you got a baby or you got a, you know, a skinless animal, or not skinless, that's a fucking, I bet that taxidermy dude flared up.
That was a slip.
If you have a hairless animal and they want to, you know, they probably could get herpes easy from you if y'all hugging and fucking kind of, you're not kissing, but letting them lick on your face and everything.
Some people do that with their animals, and that's pretty crazy to me.
But anyway, be good to yourselves.
You probably deserve it.
Thank you guys for the calls.
We made it through this cluster, this cluster fest.
I had all the feelings this week, man.
The high, the low.
I don't know.
I don't know.
But, man, can you believe fucking Mickey gets to go skydiving?
Dude, I haven't even told him yet.
So I don't know if anybody's even told him.
Go to his Instagrams.
Tell him.
If y'all want.
But yeah, that was a nice thing.
And this man, Sean from Ridge, suggested it.
And they just love that story.
And that's crazy.
He's got them crack addict airbags in his body, boy.
Next thing you know, trick lung Mickey will be out here in the tenderloin blowing dudes or even blowing ladies out here.
You know, they got all of it's all of it's natural out here.
All of it's natural.
You guys be good to yourselves, man.
probably deserved it.
Celebrate Maybe Celebrate Miss Baby.
You know that's overblight.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Celebrate dark days.
Celebrate all your pains.
All of your demons exercise.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweet.
Easy to you.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John.
I'll take a quarter bottle of cheese out of the glory.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
