Talking the many minds of Joe Rogan. The magic of mushrooms and Joey Diaz. And uncovering family secrets. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- JK News https://www.youtube.com/user/JustKiddingNews ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Support Our Sponsors Ridge Wallet https://www.ridgewallet.com/theo Use code “theo” for 10% off your order My West Coast Buds podcast hosted by Joel Dimeo & Ben Ferguson http://www.mywestcoastbuds.com/ Greyblock Pizza https://www.greyblockpizza.com http://bit.ly/Modrats ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Music Intro Shine by Bishop Gunn YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_c... iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/shi... Outro: Thomas Sciple ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man Up - Comedy Central Pilot based off the Podcast Episode 1 YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_F2Au... Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ComedyCentra... Episode 2 YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGwxl... Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ComedyCentra... Episode 3 YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTxLc... Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ComedyCentra... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Theo Von/This Past Weekend Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/theovon Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theovon/ https://www.instagram.com/thispastweekend_/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheoVon Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theo.von Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend/ Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/TheoVon/ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gunt Fiction Patreon Gunt Squad: Alaskan Rock Vodka Angelo Raygun Renee Nicol Matthew Snow Megan Andersen-Hall Stephanie Claire Ryan Wolfe Carla Huffman Austin Kehler Jeremy West Kenton call Steve Corlew Nick Butcher Megan Daily Joe Tromm Ken Melvin Troy Cosmas Matt Kaman Tom Kostya Mike Vo Micky Maddux Sam Illgen Ben Liimes Alexis Caniglia Stepfan Jefferies David Smith Logan Yakemchuk Aidan Duffy MEDICATED VETERAN Ken Comstock Dan Ray Audrey Harlan Matthew Popov kristen rogers Josh Cowger Kelly Elliott Mark Glassy Dwehji Majd Jason Haley Jameson Flood Jason Bragg Cory Alvarez Christopher Christensen Scott Lucy Benv Deignan Cody Cummings Shannon Schulte Aaron Stein Lorell “Loretta†Ray Stacy Blessing Andy Mac Campbell Hile John Kutch Adriana Hernandez Jeffrey Lusero Alex Hitchins Joe Dunn Kennedy Joey Piemonte Robyn Tatu Beau Adams Yoga Shawn-Leigh henry Laura Williams Alex Person Mona McCune Suzanne O'Reilly Rashelle Raymond Chad Saltzman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Arielle Nicole Greg H Dave Engelman Calvin Doyle Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Qie Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Ned Arick J Garcia Lauren Cribb Ty Oliver Tom in Rural NC Christian from Bakersfield Matt Holland Charley Dunham Casey RobertsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Hey there, I will be the dark arts tour coming to West Siloam Springs, Oklahoma at Cherokee Casino.
That's June 9th.
June 15th and 16th, Yuck Yucks, Calgary, Calgary, Alberta.
And that's in Canada, our friends, our northern friends.
23rd of June, Timbler Brewing, Bakersfield, California.
And Bakersfield, boy, anything can happen out there.
You might go missing.
You might start a family.
You might find gold, baby.
That's Bakersfield.
July 6th through 8th, Levity Live, and that's in Oxnard, California.
July 20th through 22nd, Charlie Goodnights, Raleigh, North Carolina.
August 16th through 18th, The Laugh Factory in Chicago, Illinois.
You've been asking, and I'm excited to come back there to the state that my mother was born in.
August 23rd to August 25th, Helium Comedy Club in Buffalo, New York.
And if they don't have the tickets up for sale, then hit them up and ask them why.
September 14th and 15th, that's Zaney's in Nashville, Tennessee.
Some more dates will be added.
And I'm just grateful to be getting out there and having people come, man.
It's going to be fun.
And we're going to do some cool stuff.
We're also going to start doing some outreach where we're going to do some things for single moms in some of these cities.
So whenever we go into a city and do a show or a weekend of shows, we're going to have people in advance, listeners can submit single mothers that they know.
And we're going to get the mother a babysitter, her babysitter, you know, so she has somebody that she trusts.
And we're going to take care of her and a friend, take them out to dinner, and then get them a nice setup at the show, a nice second or third row seat, and just make it so a nice single mom can come out and enjoy an evening and know that her children are being taken care of.
I think that's going to be really, really cool.
And I want to thank our Patreon supporters because that's what our Patreon money is going to start going towards is paying for things like that.
So really excited about that.
And just, man, it's going to be cool.
This is so cool.
It's like a fun, this is going to be a fun fall.
We're also going to do one other show in rural Illinois.
And it's a fundraiser for the Paramount Theater, and that's in Wyoming, Illinois.
Those dates will be up this week as well.
And that's going to be June 29th of Friday, 6 p.m.
and 8 p.m.
That's in Stark County, Illinois, and that's middle of nowhere, boy.
And that's where I'm from.
Not there originally, but I'm from middle of nowhere.
Just a different one down in Louisiana.
This episode, as always, is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
Gray Block, 1811 Pico Boulevard in Los Angeles.
They got that food and they got that feeling.
And all you need is your face.
Gray Block Pizza.
Get that hitter.
Dude, I hate to use this music again to start off our show, but I also love to use it again.
And this is Shine by Bishop Gunn.
I just needed this today.
Come on now.
I'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be so far from my home And my mind is somewhere else But when I find it I'll patch up where it's been blown Now I'm just floating on the breeze And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone
Must be cornerstone.
I can feel it, baby.
Can you feel that?
It's gonna take a little time For me to set that pocket break and let myself come on now Shine that light on me Come on now I'll sit and tell you a story Shine on me If I were you to find a song I would
sing it just for you And that is Shine by Bishop Gunn off of the new album Natchez and that's out of Natchez Mississippi and I used to work my a lot of you guys already know it I'll say it one more time one of my one of my good friends who passed away he died of addiction and and he used to he employed me to work on his farm for a few years and I became good friends with his family right after college and one of his sons is now the drummer
in that beautiful band called Bishop Gun and that's their single that's hitting the airwaves man it's called shine and and yeah that just you know it makes me feel good when I hear that song and so I had to start off with that thank you thank thank thanks for coming in and welcome to you whoever you are whoever you're if you're listening you got your ears open and you're sharing a moment of your time with me man I you know I what's going on
a lot of stuff is going on you know we had you know I got to go on Joe Rogan this week we we went on Joe Rogan and Joe Rogan's you know it's I was nervous first of all you know I was nervous because I look up to Joe so much you know and for some reason with me I think when I look up to somebody it for some reason it makes me kind of nervous you
know I guess well you want to I don't know it's like when you're hanging out you know what it feels like to me a little bit it's like you're hanging out with your big brother and his friends and you're like you want to you know you're just I don't know I was just nervous but it was it was wild man and right off the bat Joe Joe starts talking to me and I love Joe you know I'm extremely grateful to him You know, he's done a lot of nice things, small things that were really nice for me.
Like, out of like he would just see me do comedy, and I've said this before, but he would just drop me a text a couple days later the next day and just say, Hey, man, you had a really good set.
You know, and that kind of stuff, like you don't realize sometimes, like somebody that you admire, like, you know, telling you something, sharing something positive, supporting what you do, you don't realize how much that means to that person.
And he doesn't, you know, I don't think he, you know, he doesn't probably realize it.
But it's like I would get those texts and I'd be like, wow, man.
You know, it's like your big bro.
It's like, I don't know.
It's just like you're all, it's like impressing your brother, impressing, I don't know.
You know, and that kind of stuff really just has resonated with me over the years.
He's done that.
And Joey Diaz does that as well.
He'll call you.
But Joe would do that sometimes and just hit me up and say, hey, man, you were really funny last night.
And, you know, coming from, you know, my life when all I wanted to do probably was, you know, make people I admired, you know, make them feel like, or make them feel like I was part of, like I was okay.
You know, and maybe some of that goes back to like father and brother, you know, not being present growing up and all of that.
But, you know, just when you have a, you know, when you have a male figure and, you know, just that support, support.
That's really what it is.
Joe's been so supportive.
And so, you know, anyway, but I, you know, I was excited to be in there and I was excited to get to hang out with him because he thinks like wild.
You know, he's like, he thinks like he's got, you know, it's like, I think he has more than one brain in his head.
You know, Joe Rogan might have five or six brains in there.
And one of the brains is probably a wretch, you know, and then he might have other brains orbiting around brains.
You know, he might have one brains that's, you know, he might have brains in the distance, you know, cooking elk.
I mean, he's got, you know, he just, he continues to kind of like expand his way of thinking.
And so right in the beginning, he was talking about infinite, an infinite, if there were infinite universes and if there were more than just one of you.
And I couldn't even, I was so nervous, kind of, I was just, couldn't even think really that good.
But then now I'm thinking after that, I texted him the next day and I was like, man, I'm obsessed now with wondering if there are infinite universes, so many so, this is what he was saying, if so many infinite universes that if you, there would be a possibility for you to meet your exact self.
Like, you know, say the two universes get close enough to each other somehow in orbits or whatever, and then you, you know, there's, you know, programs, you're both astronauts or something, you meet, like if you were able to meet your exact self, think about that.
If you were able to meet your exact self and I was just like, I left there thinking, would I like myself?
Like if I had to, if like if I met me, like would I like me?
What would I like?
What would I do?
What would I think?
Would I think I was neat?
You know, would I think I was tall?
Would I think that I was handsome?
You know, would I think that I, I mean, would I know if I were able to look into my own eyes, would I be able to like see my truths at like another, like another dimension?
You know, especially since most of my life, you know, especially growing up, like I didn't have any a lot of self-worth.
So I was, most of my self-worth would come from what other people thought of me.
You know, there was no, you know, there was nothing inside of me.
So everything that I knew, I had to get from the outside.
And so I was so hyper-aware of what other people were constantly thinking because I needed to be, because I needed that next second and that next minute and that next, you know, just to know I need, I was monitoring how I was and if I was okay through moment to moment interaction with others and what they would give me back, that's how I feel about myself.
I was thinking like if I based my feelings off of what other people thought of me and I saw myself, would I then like looking into my own eyes, would I be able to, you know, just come full circle with what self-worth means and what it, you know, and just like get to another plateau in thinking about that.
But it just fascinated me.
I left out of there thinking like, what the fuck?
I ain't never thought about running into myself.
Would I think I had bad breath?
You know, would I think I had like a long neck or a regular neck or a, you know, a kind of a, you know, a four out of 10, kind of a mid-range, lower, you know, lower, mid-range neck, medium rare?
Because I've all, you know, I've had, you know, I don't have a super long neck.
And I don't think a lot of people in my family, we're not real look arounders.
Some people have a long neck.
You know, when you see those people, they're looking for stuff and they can, you know, look behind the sofa easier and they don't lose their wallet probably as much because they, you know, they got that extra two inches to look and to gaze.
You know, they could see fruit easier if they're reaching, if they're looking for fruits.
But when you have that limited neck, man, you kind of, you know, you're stuck on your own little bitty.
You know, it's not really a hilltop.
You just kind of stuck on, you know, you kind of just hanging out on your own cliffside.
You can't do a lot when you got that limited, kind of that limited neck.
And I come from a long line of people with limited necks.
But yeah, I was just wondering if you saw yourself and you looked in your own eyes, would you, I don't know, what would, I mean, would your just whole world explode?
Like, would you just know everything?
Would I like myself?
Would I like, it just blew my mind if there were infinite universes and it just blew my mind, man.
So I left out of there, I think, with a little bit more thinking, you know, and I think that that's kind of what Joe Rogan does for me is he makes me think a little bit more, and he makes me think sometimes of uncomfortable things.
You know, he makes me think outside of like the confines of the comfortable confines of things that, you know, these templates that I was raised in or raised around or just that I saw.
You know, it's kind of like when you see, remember when you got them colors when you were a child and your mother took you to the color shop and you got that eight box.
You got that box of eight hitters, you know, that, you know, just that little fucking, that Roy GBIF fiasco.
You know, you got that little eight pack, that eight ball.
You know, you got that eight ball.
And suddenly, some dude shows up with that 64 box and your fucking dick blew out of your ears.
Remember that?
Dude, I remember my nuts traveled up my body and looked out of my eye holes because I was just, I was just shook by the fact that some man suddenly had 56 more colors than I had.
Some boy, I mean, not a man.
They didn't have any men in our class, you know, in disguise or anything.
But that some boy, and it blew my mind.
And suddenly you were doing different pictures and you were thinking different things and you were like, fuck, magenta?
I'm out here on magenta.
And then, and then, and then everything changed because then I would see a, you know, maybe I would see somebody's shirt or hat or a, you know, I would see a woman's hat at church and be like, oh, that's a magenta hat.
And suddenly, you know, you have more elements to put out into your template, to put out into your world.
And that's kind of, I think, you know, that's kind of what I left out of Joe Rogan's podcast thinking.
I left out of there actually just thinking.
You know, he makes me think.
And I think he makes a lot of, you know, young men and women think.
You know, he's kind of this dope ass outer space male, you know, marine kind of not, he's just everything.
I don't know what he is, man.
It's almost like if you took a whole timeline of existence and just took it like that and put it all into one person.
It's like the past and, you know, in the future and everything.
And he's probably got moons.
I bet, dude, I bet he has moons going around him.
I bet there's a moon way off in the distance that we don't even know about.
That's just that, you know, just that Rogan, that Rogan moon.
But it was an honor, man.
It's an honor to go in there.
You know, it's just an honor.
You know, like, I don't know.
And it made me feel, you know, I just felt like accepted.
You know, like he made me feel accepted, which for me is like a really big thing.
You know, like, you know, like, I think a lot of my life, I don't feel that way.
And so to go in and, and I don't, I don't even think these are things that he's, you know, outwardly doing like on purpose.
I think some of it's just his nature.
You know, I think in some ways he's like a little bit of like that big brother that like, you know, you know, I had my brother, but my brother, you know, didn't live with us.
And like, you know, and he, you know, and he's had some, you know, he's had some tough times, even though, you know, I really love my brother and I'm, you know, I don't think I've ever been prouder of anybody in my whole life than him.
But anyway, damn, boy, this shit got me gleeking out my eyeballs, dude.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm fucking making salt water, dude.
I'm a damn, I'm like a sixth grade science experiment, zip.
But yeah, I don't know.
He just made me feel accepted and just, you know, I don't know.
But I'm just grateful, man.
You know, I'm just grateful to be in an environment where I feel inspired.
You know, I get to go on some of these other podcasts, Fighter and the Kid, and those guys make me laugh, man.
You know, and they make you laugh.
I know it because I get out on the road and I see these, you know, I see Fighter and the Kid listeners and I'm a Fighter and the Kid listener.
So I know it's like there's just this wild, we're part of their party.
You know, we're part of their party.
And I guess I'm just grateful to just be, you know, just to, I guess, I don't know.
I'm just grateful, I guess, to feel accepted some.
And maybe, you know, that shouldn't matter to me.
And I don't know if it matters.
It's not a thing like it, like I walk around thinking like those guys didn't accept me ever, but I don't know.
I just, and it's, it's just something that I feel.
So anyway, man, I mean, there was a lot more to spending time over at Rogan's.
And, you know, the conversation was kind of all over.
And he thinks so fast.
And it's hard for me to, you know, he's got that, he's got Lance Armstrong in his blood.
So that dude's out there.
He's in outer space.
He's walking on the moon.
You know, he's juggling.
He's playing saxophone.
I mean, he's got all kinds of things going on inside of him.
But it was fun, man.
It was exciting and it was fun.
And so if you wonder what it's like to kind of go in, because I get a lot of messages like, Theo, what's it like to go to Joe Rogan's?
And, you know, is it like, is it underground?
Somebody asked me if it's underground, like it's a bunker.
And that made me laugh so hard, man.
No, actually, it's in a blimp.
It is, we leave the earth and we go out there and Eddie Bravo's the driver and we just travel around.
And so that way you get a first-hand look at some of the things that, you know, some of the, you know, some of the things that Joe is talking about.
But yeah, man, I just had a blast.
And I know that a lot of, you know, people that are, you know, fans of mine and friends of mine and just being able to listen to me talk to somebody that we all admire like Joe, I just know it was fun for a lot of us.
So I was just glad to be, I was just glad to be there.
What else?
What else is going on?
Sorry, dude.
I got on these, you know, I started dripping out the face, you know.
So this happens, whatever.
That's life, dude.
That's life.
Well, whatever was inside me, I'm glad it's not in me anymore, bruh.
Get out.
You know, get out of me.
If you got to come out my eyes, you must be something wild.
That's what I think about, you know, emotions and stuff.
Because there's a lot of ways to get out of my body.
You know, you come out my ass, come out my mouth, ears.
But if you, there must be something.
There must be something special about emotions.
If the way that they have to get out of your body is they have to crawl out of your eyes via water and salt.
Which are the two, which I think, look, bottom line, water, salt, sunlight, that's what it all is out here.
That's what we all, that's the bottom line.
If you crack me open with a baseball bat or if a couple of Vietnamese dudes kick me open, I bet at the end of it all, you break me all the way down and I'm just water and salt and sunlight.
I bet we all are.
But that must be something, there must be something special about emotion.
If the way that it gets out of you, think about it.
Dude, you have pores all over your body.
Whatever those feelings are, when you feel something and it emotes out of your eyeballs via salt water.
I mean, that's the dark arts right there.
It's a beautiful dark art, but dang, that is a dark art.
It has to cry, dude.
It could come out of any of your pores, ears, eyes, butt, wiener.
What if you cried out of your wiener?
Imagine that, dude.
Imagine, dude, some kid is just all pissed and his dad's about to come whoop him because he stole something.
You know, maybe he stole a couple of, you know, extra, you know, cuts of cabbage or something.
They were doing cabbage soup and he snuck up by the cutting board and just grabbed two little cuts of cabbage and ran off to his room and just fucking, you know, rabbit-faced those bitches into his belly.
And now his daddy's pissed and he knows his daddy's about to whoop him.
And he's just sitting there and he's got to cry.
But how would he do it?
He just breaks his wiener out and just straight up, just tears up right out into a beautiful stream, just a beautiful stream of sadness flying out of his wiener right out the window.
I mean, could you imagine?
But that's not how it works.
You don't feel sad and then, you know, and then tears come out of your butt.
That's not how it works.
There's something that happens inside of you when you feel something emotional where it climbs up out of your chest through your throat and comes out your fucking the potholes to your soul, baby.
It's pretty powerful, man.
It's powerful stuff.
So, and I know I get into my feelings sometimes, dude.
I just didn't have them a lot growing up, and I think I'm just kind of grateful to have some of them now.
But thank you guys so much for being here with me, man.
And thanks for anybody that checked out the, you know, being on there with Joe Rogan.
Man, I just can't, you know, it's just fun.
I just, you know, I just, man, it just was fun, dude.
It's fun.
You go in there and they got this scary, they got like a mountain cat.
I don't know what they killed, dude, but he kills everything.
You know, he could kill, I mean, dude, I wouldn't be surprised.
Honestly, dude, I looked him in the eyes at one point and I asked him, you know, I don't know if I asked him if he'd been outer space or if he, you know, what, if he knows, oh, if the government tried to get to him.
And he said no to me.
And I believe him, but I, you know, I wouldn't be surprised if he has like a shuttle or something.
Dude, he could be out there hunting fucking space bears.
Would you be shocked?
Would you be shocked if Rogan showed up in a damn space bear fur coat?
I wouldn't be.
I wouldn't be, man.
I wouldn't be at all.
And if we got to send anybody in the space to do it, I'd send him.
I'd send him 100%.
You know, he's kind of like the leader.
But anyhow, man, yeah, I just, I don't know why I'm just kind of rambling on that.
I guess it's just on my mind and heart.
And then a lot of people were asking me.
Yeah, and it's like, but the best was, is it underground?
That was the best.
That was the best thing I've heard.
So thank you to whoever sent that in to me.
Today's episode is brought to you by Ridge Wallet.
And Ridge Wallet is, you know, a lot of times you see a man and you see their butt, you know, and a woman too.
And sometimes a hearty lesbian, they want to roll like this.
And you see their butt, but you also see something on their butt.
You're like, what is that on their butt?
You know, it's like their butt has just like something on it.
And that's a wallet that's in their pants.
But it's, it's, it's weird, you know?
And so now you got the new Ridge wallet, and that's that front pocket carry.
And this is that beautiful hitter.
And the thing is, is you put your stuff in here and you carry it with you.
You don't have this big old Galapagos turtle living on your ass cheek like you used to with that old wallet.
And dude, think about what's in your wallet.
You know, you got that picture your girl used to, you know, bust down on back in the day, eighth grade.
You got headshots.
You know, you got Olin Mills picture.
What the fuck are you doing?
You got them condoms you ain't never used, bruh.
And you're married now.
You've been married for a decade.
Get rid of that junk.
Get rid of that old specimen, that old petri dish you're carrying around.
That thing smells.
Smell your wallet.
Come on.
So now you got that new front pocket carry.
That's ridgewallet.com slash Theo.
It's 10% off.
Look, man, go check it out.
And I didn't like mine at first.
I'll be honest with you.
First three days, I was like, since then, all 58 days since then.
Complete savagery, bruh.
Enjoying my life being in my front pocket carry, bruh.
What's in your carry?
I want to remind you to check out My West Coast Buds.
That's a new podcast, and that's by Joe DeMayo.
And Joe is a, he's kind of a connoisseur.
He's like an everyday man sort of connoisseur.
He likes cannabis, coffee, he likes comedy, and he likes spirits.
And I'm not talking ghosts, you know, I'm talking about alcohol.
You know, he likes, unless a fucking Grim Reaper shows up with a shot of gin, then maybe he likes it all.
And he is a unique character, and he owns a dispensary in Tigard, Oregon, called Coral Cove.
And Joe will talk to you about everything that he goes through up there and what it's like making whiskey, making jokes, a lot of how-to.
It's kind of an inside baseball look at those industries, selling dope, doing all of that.
So check it out.
We'll have the link below.
And that's my West Coast Buds.
What else is going on, man?
Let's get into some other things.
I'll tell you about something.
Oh, they had that school shooting.
I know people are like thinking about it.
But I was thinking about more like, you know, and God bless everybody.
And, you know, that, you know, if you have a family member or anything that's, you know, how to deal with that or any of these.
It's becoming such a commonplace thing.
And I was talking to one of our producers, Nick, earlier.
And he, and Nick's a beautiful young man.
He might have been a premature baby, but, you know, that's, you know, he could, and I don't, honestly, I don't know if you ever shake being a premature baby, but I think he's mastered as well as any man could.
He's a, you know, handsome young fella.
Anyhow, what happened, I was talking to him and he was saying, well, you know, once something happened, because it's like, why does this keep happening?
Why does this keep happening?
And one of the things is once something happens the first time, then it happens more.
Like, and the more I think about it, like, yes, I think it has a great deal to do with mental health.
You know, yes, I think that these high-profile, fast-action assault rifles and shit, I think that I can't, I don't know if we need those.
I've never seen a hunter have like 1,100 deer running at him, you know, with pistols on their hoofs.
You know, like, you know, you don't have 70 raccoons, you know, coming down on parachutes.
You know, you don't have any, you know, on them raccoona chutes just dropping down and you got to mow them all out.
We don't have that.
So it's like, do we need that?
You know, I go back to the old days.
So you got to load, you got to load and show.
And that seems more, you know, that seems more fair.
But, you know, he was, but anyway, our producer, Nick, I was talking to him.
He was saying, you know, I think it's because once it happens once, then other people see it.
And kids know, do what, what they, what, what cause the most harm, I guess.
A sick child, a sick anyone will think that way.
You know, I think it didn't have, you didn't see it a lot in the past because it wasn't, it hadn't been done yet.
You know, you don't see somebody learn to juggle or try juggling until somebody else, you know, been working with magic balls in the air.
And once it's done that first time, then you see more of it.
And so that's the, I think that that has a lot to do with it.
Why does this keep happening?
Because it's happened once.
And people see the effect and they see, you know, you have a kid that's probably somewhere inside of himself is mentally broken or so broken and he just, you know, and the devil gets him.
And he wants to do bad.
And he wants to, you know, he doesn't see any difference in making other people outside of him feel the pain that he feels inside of himself.
He can't differentiate between if that's okay or if that's not okay.
Or maybe he just thinks it is okay.
You know, maybe he thinks I hurt so bad that everyone should hurt.
And so he busts down like that.
But yeah, you know, do we, I don't think we need these high-powered weapons.
What?
Or also, how about that little liaison period from when you want the weapon to when you get the weapon?
How about that?
Let's give a little more time.
Look, there's no reason that I need, look, I need a passport sometimes immediately.
I get that.
You need that passport within three days.
You got a surprise trip.
You leaving.
But I can't think of a super good reason that I need an AR-15 by Thursday.
Can't think of one.
And if I do have a reason, there's nothing logical as to why that couldn't wait another week.
So it's just, I mean, it's just horrific and it's tragic.
And, you know, young people are mimics and they do what they see.
You know, they little monkeys.
Young people are little monkeys and they do what they see.
And so I didn't mean to bring it down by talking about that stuff, but I know down there in Texas, we have a lot of listeners in Texas.
And, you know, and Texas is one of my favorite states.
I mean, Texas is the kind of state where you show up and you do your work and you live your life.
And you show respect and other people show respect.
And that's how life is.
And I've always loved Texas.
And it's just a tragedy to see some of this kind of stuff just continue to happen.
But I've said before, we should have classes.
There should be a class.
I don't give a fuck about social studies.
I don't give a shit about spelling.
There should be classes in school where you learn to express your feelings and let other people express their feelings and how you work together on that.
And how you can just know if you are talking to a friend, if they're okay or not.
Or how if you're not okay, you could try to share some of that shit, man.
I know some of this stuff might sound like weakness and everything, but I don't think it is.
I think it's the toughest thing you can do is teach young people how to be vulnerable and help them learn.
Because fuck, dude, I got to do this.
Dude, I'm in these programs now and I'm doing this shit now and I'm 38, bro.
I'm a straight up adult.
You know, you want to catch Me in 40, 40 years, bro.
You can catch me in the G-yard, son.
I'll be six feet down, a couple brothers throwing dirt on me, shoveling out.
You know, I'll be trying to crawl through the dirt, just bones only, trying to catch a little bit of, you know, a little bit of marrow out of some maybe sweet gal that's about you know a couple plots over because you know I'm gonna be that dark artist when I'm in the dirt and I'm saying just because I'm in the grave doesn't mean I'm not gonna be um you know trying to get out there and get a little bit of uh Cossacks or a little bit of um you know tailbone or not tailbone but
um is there any bones in the vagina you know what I'm saying um I don't think vagina bone what is it damn I don't know dude I think I felt a bone down there or something before not like a but you know I think there's what's holding the vagina up some kind of bone whatever that is boy you know I'll be you know I'll be you know peeking out of ant farms and stuff once I'm buried I'm not done and I'm not gonna be a ghost boy
I'm gonna be that underground rattler you know I'm gonna be down there just sifting through sand face first can you believe that's the most gangster thing about snakes dude they go face fucking first through the dirt what dude I lose my shit if I walk into a cobweb snake a snake do face first forever wherever they go can you imagine
they do not have that fear in them they they are the devil's phalanges and you know that and i know some people like them and stuff like that but every now and then a snake chakes out choked a snake chokes out an old lady in tucson you know that's once a month a snake will put a senior citizen into a hard scarf a snake will just drop that hard scarf on a senior citizen and next thing you know they wake up in heaven so a snake is a very dangerous animal what
else what else is going on man i'm still on paleos diet and dude it's getting easier it's getting easier and i feel better and you know i talked about it last week but i don't have any body gas dude i dude i could count on two fingers the number of times that i've had body gas and that's been truly beautiful because look dude i've been you know i've had i had gas for years to be honest with you probably most of my life and it's fun i get it sometimes you know changing the whole environment
of a room with a secret weapon is exciting i'm not gonna say that shit isn't exciting dude it's like having david blain fucking pop up out of your butt suddenly everybody doesn't know what the hell stinks or who did it it's like agatha christie is straight up living in your asshole bro that's straight up that that's that is i mean that's that's beautiful making mysteries like that just making air mysteries but
but it's uh it's nice to not have that it's nice to not be chatting with somebody and you can't even think because dude at a certain point of and this is i know this is probably a little grotesque and below some people's education level and if it is then fucking take a hike because i'm smart too but maybe i'm just not talking about uh you know um you know um uh glacier melt right now maybe
i'm not talking about you know birds how long birds beaks are or the nasdaq maybe i'm just talking about regular life but it's crazy dude i noticed this for me if i when i used to have body gas a lot if i had a your a in your stomach a fart we'll call it a fart because i don't know if they have a better term for it yet but uh a fart will it almost starts to develop a brain a little bit because you're like damn this thing it's
like thinking because you got it you got it nobody knows you got it and it starts to know it got you at some point when it gets close to that cliff it starts to know that it's in control and you start to feel it think a little bit does anybody know what i'm talking about i'm talking about fart think and i think that's a real condition i think that's a real condition for the future what else is happening man what else can we talk
about oh look man a lot of things a lot of things have happened we had a lot of beautiful voicemails that came in um and i'm going to get to those uh some of those we'll go through them we'll keep talking about other stuff you know it's uh it was just a crazy week you know getting to go in and talk with joe and just um you know just be around somebody that i just look up to and that i watch on stage and that you know he inspires me sometimes to be fearless and to say what i think um especially
in hollywood you know this place doesn't want you saying what you think you know i mean it's like you know sometimes i mean i'm happy to be here and i want to work in this industry but it's you know it's crazy to me i mean i just even look at like how hollywood is suddenly like you know and i um suddenly it's like so it's all about diversity you know but two years ago black people had to beg to be on the academy awards you know and that's not the kind of they're just i don't
know i just don't trust this industry sometimes and maybe that's just business and i need to ball up a little bit and that's fine look i'm out here to learn i don't know i'm out here to learn let's take this call that came in about uh their weekend you know every every week you can call and leave a voicemail on the hotline the hotline is 985-664-9503 and that hotline mostly has all types of things people calling and look there's there i can't even tell you how many calls we get a lot and
that doesn't mean that we don't care it's just hard to sometimes get back to all of them some of them are people you know jurying off and you know there's a couple of voicemails people fucking couples and men only and everything happening people some lady is training uh i don't want to say parakeets but it sounds like parakeets or she has a you know twins with like real high-pitched voices or something that are i don't know if they're eating seed or something it sounds hella sketchy bruh but um but yeah,
there's a lot of stuff on there.
It's just not even real stuff, but we go through it all, you know, and some things we can get to, and some things we can't.
If you call them left to voicemail, I don't feel bad.
It's not a rejection.
It's just, you know, right now it didn't fit into the episode or maybe we'll do it in the future or maybe call back at some other time.
But thank you for everybody that's called or texted.
What do I want to do?
Oh, I want to play.
Every week you can call and let me know if you want to, if you had a great weekend or a bad weekend, let us know how it was.
And we'll play some every week and we'll put a contest winner at the end of each month for this past week and how it was, great, bad, whatever.
Here's a weekend story that came in right here.
Hey, what's up, CO?
I'm a college student.
I'm studying biology, and I've been supporting myself by working a third shift at a gas station, kind of in the ghetto of the city my college is in.
Dang, dude.
Good luck, man.
That sounds like a place where people get murdered a lot.
No offense.
And I hope you, you know, and I hope everything's good with you, especially since you're still in college.
Biology, man, that biology was crazy, dude.
Remember biology?
You didn't know anything.
Next thing you know, you're cutting into a frog.
You know what I'm saying?
Next thing you're running around with a frog heart on your fingertips and showing it to the ladies.
Every answer in biology, mitochondria.
That was the answer on every test.
It was all mitochondria.
Sometimes it was cytoplasm.
Boom.
If you are in seventh grade and you are still looking for answers, that's the answer to everyone.
Thank you for calling Young Brother Onward.
And it's usually all right, but last night about six guys came in and they just bought a gas can and put like two gallons of gasoline in it and they seem really calm, real chill.
Oh, and that's sketchy.
I mean, when you show up and you just get that gas can gas only, that means you're out of gas or that's arson.
And a lot of times when arson happens, you know, that's either insurance money or somebody has like a sleeping family member or something and they're about to change the game.
And they're about to, you know, really just change it all and maybe end up on dateline.
Let's hear more.
Nice guys when they left, but they came back like two hours later, just high as fuck.
Probably on meth.
They were freaking out.
Probably on meth or probably on gas, dude.
I remember on Halloween one time, we ate some mushrooms, you know, some of them beautiful little fucking land creatures.
And we, one of my buddies, Todd, tried to drink some gasoline and had to go actually to the, I guess he went to the emergency room.
But let's hear more.
They were trying to return the gas can because it was like 12 bucks.
But the store policy is you can't return gas cans once there's been gas in them.
So they were like yelling at me and talking all at once saying they were going to stab me if I didn't and cut my head off and shit.
Damn, cut your head off, bro.
That's a Greyhound bus move, bro.
That's a finishing move on the Greyhound Bus version of Mortal Kombat.
And I don't know what the cheat code is to open that up, but let's hear more.
You know, I was a Marine out of high school, so I'm not afraid of any man, but, you know, six make me really concerned.
Semper five, do you hear that confidence in that man's voice right there?
Dude, that's the kind of stuff that I wish I had, man.
Just hearing you say that I'm a Marine, so I'm not worried about any man.
But six of them make me concerned.
That's gangster, dude.
That's awesome, man.
Thanks for your service.
I got to, you know, I was fortunate enough to get to go do some tours of just as a comedian.
And we went to, you know, I think I maybe did five or six, you know, trips overseas.
And you go on those bases, boy, and look, Navy does their thing, Air Force does their thing, Army does their thing.
But when the Marines show up, they go first.
Marines go first, man.
And it's just, you know, impressive group.
Let's hear more, bro.
This sounds like it's not going well, bro.
Those dudes want that $12 back.
I mean, you got that policy.
Let's hear more.
No gas.
Once you got gas in the can, that's your can.
They ended up yelling at the gas can for a little bit more, and they bought like $400 of random gas station food shit and like a lot of lottery tickets.
Fucked up.
They ended up leaving on their own.
Oh, lottery tickets.
I mean, yeah.
If you're huffing gas, bro, you'll definitely, you know, you'll take a chance to win half a meal, dude, by just scratching on something.
Because if you're huffing gas, you used to scratching your skin.
You'll scratch your own chest hair off.
You know, you'll have just a little, you know, kind of bloody ball of fur and hair and skin.
But so, yeah, lottery tickets, I mean, that's a methamphetamine.
I mean, that's, you know, that's that's that's everything.
That's a full-time job for a methamphetamine addict because they got the itch in them naturally, and now they're putting it to work for that chance at, you know, $50,000 paid over 100 weeks.
Let's hear more.
Spent like 400, 500 bucks on them, and then they left, told me I was a fuck, and that was my weekend.
They left and told you you were a fuck.
That's hilarious, bro.
Well, look, man, I commend you, dude, working in the, you know, in a tough neighborhood in the get.
I mean, I don't know if it's a get or you said it's a shady neighborhood, but I commend you, dude, because that's a tough area a lot of times.
People out there, you know, eating honey buns and drinking fucking diesel.
You know, you get a couple of, you know, young soldiers hopped up on some 91 octane, you know, and next thing you know, they want a fucking fist fight and you're just trying to mop.
You know, you're just trying to fucking, you know, you could just have a, you have a, you know, you got a brain, you just had a brain freeze because you're on your ninth slushy and you back there brain freezing trying to fucking push that hot mop around.
And these Muppets are straight up.
They come in all jawed up.
You know, one of them just lit a cigarette, forgot he's drinking gas, and now he's, you know, now he's one of the flaming lips and shit gets fiasco time and everybody wants Fritos.
Dude, it's savage out there, man.
And I commend you for working on the front lines.
That's the front lines of American war right there.
The man that's working overnight, trying to make it through school, trying to learn about biology, and just fending off straight fucking night Muppets, trying to get that $12 back.
Gang, gang, baby.
Take care of yourself out there.
Thanks for calling.
I appreciate that, man.
I remember, did I ever work at a gas station?
No, one time my buddy got sick and he worked at a gas station and he's like, dude, I need you to take my shift.
And I'd never worked there.
And I went and I did it, man.
You know, I think I stole about $30, dude.
And I stole almost so many Otis Spunkmire cookies, dude, I fucking was sick.
In the morning, dude, come sunrise, I was sick to my stomach.
But that was fun.
You know, those are the good old days.
Let's take another call, man.
What do we got here?
Onward?
Hi, this is Ellen Cullen in from Virginia Beach.
And this is some advice for Nicole, who's dealing with an alcoholic boyfriend.
Oh, yeah.
We got a response from last week's call.
This is for Nicole dealing with an alcoholic boyfriend.
She called at the end of last week's episode.
Let's hear more.
Thanks for calling, Ellen.
Nicole, you're in a life or death situation right now.
And this is what you need to do.
You need to get on the phone, and you need to find a place where you can take your boyfriend, where he can go through a medical detox.
If he tries to do it by himself, he can have seizures.
He can die from alcohol poisoning.
He cannot do this alone.
He needs a medical professional.
And with that being said, he also needs to get to an AA meeting as soon as possible.
There are inner group numbers all over the country that you can call.
And there are also apps where you can find the closest meeting to you.
Have him get a sponsor.
Have him get the big book.
Have him do 90 meetings in 90 days.
And get serious, get committed about your future, your future with him if you still think that there is one.
And let me tell you something.
I speak from experience.
I was living in Las Vegas for almost three years.
Ooh, that sounds hellish right there, boy.
Las Vegas, dude, anything could happen out there.
You know, you put it all on the table.
You know, they got women wearing those hats with the feathers on them.
You can get fucking, you know, you like peacocks trying to fuck you because they think, you know, it's false advertising you're running around with on your dome.
They got escorts, cocaine, bruh.
And the cocaine's good because there's no humidity in the air.
Cocaine will keep.
Let me tell you that.
That shit will keep out on a counter as long as the humidity is down and you keep the air conditioner off and no ceiling fans, boy.
Great way to end the cocaine party is somebody just fucking flipping on the fan switch.
But let's hear a little more advice.
Thank you for calling in about this, Ellen.
Three years with a fighter pilot and he was also a cocoa professional.
And I had to leave.
I left the relationship.
It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
To this day, I still cry about it.
But I look back on it now and I just think about where would I have been if I'd have stayed with him.
And that's the truth.
You know, you got to think about yourself long term there.
You know, she's calling with Laura had some issues last week.
And look, you know, Ellen, I know you're telling her you need to get this, you know, your man to a meeting and you need to get him to a professional.
He needs to get himself.
You know, and I'm not discrediting what you're saying.
These are all great suggestions, Ellen, you know, especially from a woman that's been there.
But yeah, he needs to get himself and she needs to get herself some help.
You know, she needs to get to some Al-Anon meetings or she needs to get in a better place where, you know, there's codependency meetings.
And these are suggestions.
Look, I'm not a lady.
You know, I never had a man that, you know, loved me and would just also maybe took advantage of my love because he wanted to do dope and not take care of himself.
I never had that.
But, you know, but I know that you can't, you know, people will have to want to help themselves and that you can only help so much.
And when Nicole called in, she sounded really at her wit's end.
So, but look, you heard it from another lady.
Nicole, you got to start taking care of yourself and get that man in a detox and he needs to take care of himself.
Because if one of y'all ain't taking care of yourselves, then what's y'all going to do?
Neither one of y'all is taking care of yourselves?
You both going to figure it out?
Fuck that.
Fuck that.
I'll be honest with you.
Because look, I'll tell you what happened.
I saw two mentally challenged people making out one time at a stoplight outdoors, not in a vehicle.
And I, and I called the police.
And I feel, I regret it sometimes, but I could tell, man, I've spent time, dude.
You know, one of my best friends growing up had Down syndrome.
I've spent time around, you know, I've spent people that are mentally lit, you know, some of God's favorites.
I've been around.
And they will, some of them will fuck.
Some of them want to party.
They're just like us.
You know, they got that limbic system just like us.
They got, you know, the dirty dark arts just dangling off the, you know, the base of their spine and the base of their brain, that, you know, that little brain stem.
That thing's lit up with just, you know, eggplant emojis and, you know, little umbrellas with semen emojis hitting the top of them.
And so they want to party just like us.
And I knew I could tell that these two at the stoplight were going to, they were going to, they were thinking about sex.
And so I called the police.
And the lady said, well, why?
What is this about?
And I said, well, if those two people make a child, that child, the chances of that child being comfortable and well in its own skin, probably not super great.
And I know that's me jumping to conclusions.
That might be me playing a little bit of, you know, moderator in the universe.
But it's just like, if they can't help themselves, if they're not in a place where they can be super well themselves, then they can only do so much together, those two people at that stoplight.
And they can kiss and hug and pleasure each other and that kind of thing.
But when it comes to we're going to start something new together, we're going to start a small business or we're going to make a child, I don't know.
I don't know if that's the best move.
And that's just kind of where I see you at a little bit, Laura.
And thank you, Ellen, for calling in and giving some suggestions to her.
We also, this is the first time we've ever had it.
We have a video call that came in.
And this is on LiveRays.
And the link will be in our information below.
And this is via their fan line.
And Saturday, I did a chat on LiveRays.
And the cool thing about LiveRaise is you can submit questions, video questions.
So you can submit a question on there.
When I'm on live, you can submit a question.
It goes to the fan line.
It's a video question where you can ask whatever you want.
And then we can take those questions and we can put them onto the show.
So I'll be going on next Saturday again.
And you'll be able to get on there and submit video questions and get them onto the show.
And we have our first one ever.
And let's get to it right here.
Here we go.
You'll be able to hear it on the audio and you'll be able to see it on YouTube.
This is our first ever LiveRaise video question via their fan line.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, longtime fan.
Wow.
And look, some of you guys heard that voice.
You might think this man is a beautiful urban gentleman.
You know, that beautiful mahogany superhero.
It's not.
This boy, man, he looks like Chef Boy R.D.'s kind of grandson a little bit that, you know, used to sell grams, but also makes a mean fucking ratatouille.
You know what I'm saying?
This boy looks like he's looks like the real deal.
Let's hear it.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, longtime fan, first time caller.
God, what did he eat Detroit, man?
Dude, he has so much sultry soul in his voice.
Man.
Yeah, let's hear more.
I'm just wondering, what's the right amount of shrooms to take when you go and see Joey Coco Diaz?
I just saw him.
I dropped an eighth.
Wow.
Man, I'll say this.
Joey Coco Diaz is a...
It's like getting to be in the middle of a tornado, but the tornado is made out of joy and laughter and fun.
And you know that Joey's heart is so good that no matter what he says, that it's edgy and fun and whatever.
And you know it's real to him, but you know that his heart is good.
So you know that he's joking.
And it just hits you at a core of what's wrong with a lot of our world today is that everybody just goes on what people say or their, but nobody's at all looking at where people's hearts are at.
And you can tell it immediately.
You could tell where people's hearts are.
It's the easiest thing to tell.
You know, and Coco Diaz's heart is, it's in the right spot, baby.
I mean, it's almost like, you know, you know, who's that John Wilkes Booth or something?
Who's that famous designer?
Or, you know, guy that does buildings, who draws buildings?
Frank Lloyd Weber.
It's almost like Frank Lloyd Weber designed exactly where to put Coco Diaz's heart.
So you know everything in there is fun because you know he's coming from a place of good.
And so no matter what he says, it's fun and it's fun for everybody.
And man, taking shrooms on it?
I don't know.
But you said, bro, you had fun, man.
You guys got to see this guy.
If you look at him on the YouTube, man, he's a beautiful guy.
This guy's beautiful.
And he went in there, shroomed up.
This sultry gentleman right here, he went in there, shroomed up, and got it done.
I couldn't take any, but I'm glad you did, man.
I'm glad you went there.
I bet it's a beautiful way to see Diaz.
Because it's almost like, you know, when you're on mushrooms, you want to see something natural.
You want to see something real that came out of the universe.
You want to see something special.
And Joey Diaz is the only comedian ever.
I was talking with Joe Rogan about this the other day.
The only comedian ever where I found myself, found myself standing out of my seat, cheering and laughing at the same time.
Like it's fucking 1910 and a warship with my dad just came back to the shore in San Diego.
Like, you know what I'm saying?
Like, I'd never done anything like that in my life.
Out of my seat, cheering.
What?
And I was doing that and I was living like that because he has a special gift.
And Joe Rogan says this a lot.
It's like, what is people's intention?
That's what the, that's what, that's what matters.
What is somebody's intention?
Because that's what's killing comedy.
And the truth is, I don't think things are killing it anymore.
I think you have guys like guys who are funny with good hearts, who are out there fighting every day for comedy to be based on intention.
And I think that it's coming back around.
And that's why I follow, you know, guys that I follow.
And that's why I look up to guys that I look up to, because they're pioneers.
This old shit of being offended by everything, that shit is done, bro.
You want to live there, then you choose to live there.
That's a choice.
Oh, somebody can't say this.
People can say whatever they want.
What's their intention?
Look, you want to use a racial slur?
Go use it, but go use it around that race.
See how that works out for you.
Dude, I grew up in the South, man.
You want to drop an N-bomb around somebody that might have a different skin tone than you?
You're going to learn really fast that that's not a comfortable choice.
Because people know people's intention.
You know, intention, man, and that's where I'm trying to live.
And that's where these guys live, man.
So Coco Diaz, you know, I don't care if you saw him and you were on your last leg.
I don't care if you out there, you know, drinking bone marrow out of a can because you're, you know, you might not make it.
Any condition you see him in, that's a beautiful condition.
But that one-eighth, boy.
Woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo!
That sounds good, bruh.
That's what I like about them mushrooms, boy.
You know, when I used to eat them mushrooms, dude, you start fucking looking for yourself.
And that's crazy because you are yourself.
And that's, man, that's a beautiful treat.
Let's go to another call that came in.
Thank you guys for calling.
And thank you for that live raise fanline question.
You can do those now.
And so we just want to add another element to the YouTube where people can see what's going on.
And that's live raise.
You can check out their app.
Check them out through Instagram.
And we'll have the link below.
And that way on Saturday when I go live, I'll let you know when I'm doing that.
I'll put it in my Instagram story.
You can jump on there and submit a question.
And I won't answer it then, but I will answer it on next Monday's episode.
Here we go.
Another follow-up call from last week's episode of This Past Weekend.
Yeah, this is Kevin from New Jersey calling about the dude who, his sister, 19-year-olds, banging the 39-year-old dude.
Yep.
We had that call last week.
The gentleman called.
His sister was 19 and dating a 39-year-old onward.
I think for sure he needed to beat his ass.
He needed to put a stop to that.
That's definitely the dark arts.
And just the fact that he's got to call the hotline and ask for a suggestion is kind of questionable.
I mean, yeah.
You would think for most people it is questionable, you know?
Let's hear more, Kevin.
Anyway, that's it.
Thanks, man.
You bet, man.
Thanks for calling, bro.
And that's how they handle it over there in New Jersey.
That dude's doing that.
You got to tighten that ass up on that dude.
39-year-old.
You know, and he's staying up at night and just licking the freckles off your 19-year-old sister's neck.
Dude, I'd beat those freckles out of that man.
I think I would, but then look.
But then look.
I look at my own life and I'm like, well, shit.
My mother was 32 when I was born.
My father was 70. So what is that?
What is that?
Nope.
Somebody should have probably whooped somebody's ass there, but then I don't even exist.
You know, there's different sides to it.
There's different worlds.
And look, I don't think it was right, probably what my parents did, you know.
I mean, I think my father was probably looking to, you know, create just more of a legacy, anything to keep him living, to feel like he was living more.
And being virile as a senior, you know, when you spraying out and that spray is growing up and going to kindergarten, you know, that's got to make you feel, you know, voracious and you can keep moving forward.
But thank you for calling, Kevin.
And a shout out to everybody in Jersey, dude.
People always look down on New Jersey for different types of shit, man.
Fuck that.
Jersey's the realest, bruh.
You can't even get real in Manhattan anymore.
You can't get mugged in Manhattan.
Go on.
Even the pigeons, bro, all the dopest pigeons are the ones that'll shit on you.
They're all out in Queens now.
They've been evicted.
All the best pigeons that, you know, them carrier pigeons, every now and then you see a pigeon with a fucking gram of blow in its mouth.
You know, one of them little freaking short baggies.
You can't even see that in Manhattan anymore.
That shit, so, it's all, it's the elites, elites only.
That's what they should call Manhattan.
You can't find a fucking regular, you can't find a poor person in Manhattan.
That's for the, that's for rich only, bruh.
You can come visit.
You know, you could ride the big bus through the middle, that double decker.
But if you want to, you can't get shit on by a real bird anymore.
You can't even get stabbed in Manhattan.
Dude, when I was growing, when I was, the first time I went to New York, dude, I dropped a dildo in a damn bodega.
And, you know, and shit got weird after that or whatever, before that.
But that was, that was Manhattan.
You know, I saw it, they had a dude jumped off a building back in the day when I was there.
And they had a senior citizen lady out there with this skirt on.
And she goes, did you see it?
And I'm like, did I see the guy?
She goes, did you see it?
I'm like, did I see what?
The guy jump off the building?
And then she straight up showed me that freaking, that bird holster, bro.
This lady just showed me her crotch out of the blue.
And I was like, what?
And that was New York.
That was Manhattan.
Now you want to get real?
You better go into the boroughs.
You better go into Brooklyn.
It's real, but it's, is it?
You can't find any newsies out there.
Where are the newsies at?
They're all out in Queens now.
Bronx.
Fat Joe Country.
They're all out in Hasbrook Heights.
They're out there.
They're out there in New Jersey.
That's where they're at.
All them real boys moving out.
It's for the elites, bruh.
Is it?
Maybe I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Have you thought about that?
Think about that as well.
All right, let's get to another call here.
Here we go.
Hey, what's going on, Tio?
This is Rico here from Downey, California.
What's up, Rico, out there in Downey?
And I've been out there by Downey before.
I ran out of gas out there one time.
And a man, this is, you know, I think it could have honestly was one of those people at a service station.
You know, it could have been a man, could have been a woman.
They were real, you know, they had a lot of dirt and, you know, smog had really heavily affected by the smog in their hair and everything and pores.
So anyhow, a man or woman tried to climb in my sunroof, dude.
And I was fending them out.
And then all they wanted was a hit of my big gulp.
So I fucking gave this person a hit of that big gulp.
And then they gave it back to me.
And then I'm like, well, what the fuck?
I don't want it anymore.
So, you know, I rolled down the window and gave it to them full.
And so that's, I think, a lot of time a trick sometimes of, you know, of these, I guess these are just kind of soda pop spies, really, because they spy and they see somebody hitting a big gulp and they come in through the sunroof.
And then they get that sip and then they know you're not going to want the rest of it.
But anyhow, I got taken advantage of.
Thank you for calling, Rico onward.
Just listening, I wanted to call in about our old boy who has a 19-year-old sister.
Fuck, dating that, whatever, 39, 35-year-old man.
I tell you what, man, I tell you what.
I got a sister.
She's about, she's almost 17 years old.
And if I found out, you know, she was dating some guy that was 39, I'd call them up.
Hey, man, I need to see you, and we need to have a face-to-face, a man-to-man conversation.
There you go, right there.
Now, that's a good point.
That's a really good point.
And this makes me think, too, even back to my own existence.
My mother was 32, so that's different.
This is a 19-year-old.
My mother was 32, making at least 32-year-old female choices.
Let's hear more.
And when he met me to have that conversation, look, I'm 23 years old.
I meet him up, I tell him, hey, man, I'm trying my best.
Everything in my body tells me to whip your ass right here, right now.
Everything in my body wants to put a little jiu-jitsu on your neck and snap that shit, brother.
Damn, boy.
They changed, man.
They switching up vertebraes, dude.
Rico's about to play Django with somebody's vertebrae over there.
Let's hear more.
Tell him, look, man, she's not even out of her teens yet, bro.
Not even out of her teens yet.
And you got some fucking old, saggy, bald, wrinkly fucking body, no hair, because he's losing it all, motherfucker hollering at your little sister.
No way.
Tell him he'd never be welcoming to the family.
He never even, tell him never to be comfortable around me.
Don't ever be comfortable around me.
And it's got to end.
And you can't control her and you can't control him.
But let him know he will never be welcome in that family.
In that family.
Wow.
There you go.
And I love that line that you said, never be comfortable around me.
Oh, that's a savage line right there.
You know, and that's a respect to a level of respect.
And, you know, it's also showing up and it's showing respect.
You're not whipping the dude's ass, but you're letting him know point blank, you do not ever be comfortable around me.
You know, and that brings me back.
You know, my sister and my brother used to live together for a little while.
And my sister dated all kind of wild cats.
And I think that just in our family, we've dated, you know, we don't date well.
And one time a man showed up and honked a horn.
You know, this man, my sister was dating.
And boy, my brother ran out there and he told that man to get the fuck out of there.
He said, you're going to come and pick my sister up for a date?
You're going to come in and you're going to come to the door and you're going to knock.
And that was, you know, that's the kind of thing that needs to happen.
That's the kind of thing that needs to be done.
You know, as men, we have to, you know, we have to embrace our sisters and we have to hold them up.
You know, we have to get out of our own lives sometimes, out of what's going on with us, and hold men that they spend time with accountable.
You know, because I mean, my sister got a, you know, she got really, you know, abused and stuff like this by men that she dated.
And I don't know.
Man, I don't know if I'm putting her, I'm not trying to put her story out there or anything like that.
Maybe she'll come on one day.
You know, but she got, you know, and this happens to a lot of women out there.
And I didn't know my sister then.
We weren't close.
But, you know, as men, we have to do that.
You know, sometimes we want to not get along with our sister.
And that shit's fine.
You cannot get along with our sister.
This is what I'm learning.
But at the same time, I can still be a brother.
I can still be a brother.
You know, I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and he was saying that his father wasn't good to him.
He goes, but just because my father wasn't good to me doesn't mean that I couldn't be a good son to him.
Because I still have my own responsibilities.
Because then years later, my father might leave the earth or whatever.
And I'm sitting there thinking, wow, he was never good to me.
And also I'm thinking, wow, I was never good to him.
And sure, you could be like, oh, well, you know, you weren't good to him because he wasn't good to you.
But that's where we all fuck up.
Or that's where I fuck up anyway.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said we all because I don't know.
I don't know other people's lives, but I know that's where I fuck up.
When I think that because somebody did something to me, then I should do it to them.
But no, what I do is who I am.
And sometimes you show somebody enough love.
You know, you show them what's real and they can, and that's how they learn it.
You think if somebody's a dick to you, you're a dick back to them.
they're going to fucking learn anything else than being a dick.
Sure, you got to be the bigger person, but that's...
I don't know, man.
I don't mean to go, fuck, I don't know.
I'm just like, I think about that shit with the president a lot, with Trump.
You know, like, I think, I've never been a political man.
You know, I think I've never trusted any of these politics.
I think we have some of the same problems, and I think the problems are us.
I think the problems are humans.
I think we're getting this world right now where there's a lot of humans that don't want to even really be, they're not even doing anything.
Some people ain't doing nothing.
And you got other people that want to do something, that want to move, that want to do stuff.
And I think sometimes it's like, but you have these networks and these people that just hate Donald Trump so much.
I'm like, what are you teaching this man?
What are you teaching him?
And I don't hate him.
You know, I don't think, I think he's an egomaniac.
I think all politicians are.
There's no way you get into that.
I don't think with having, first of all, you have to have a big ego.
And that can be okay, but that can also be extremely fucking dangerous, bro.
The ego, it reminds me of that volcano in Hawaii.
That thing's always trying to sneak live out the side.
You know, you think you're, you know, there's nothing that scares me more than ego.
Scares me every day I wake up scared that my brain is going to trick me into thinking certain things about myself that are not going to be good for me.
But I think that about, you know, it's just like, so much hatred, like, what do you, who's solving anything with all that shit?
All of that shit, man.
You know?
It's just like, does anybody really hate somebody as much as all these news are?
It's just like, really?
Hey.
Go to fucking work.
None of these politicians have ever affected my life.
Ever.
Ever.
I never even seen any of them.
I don't think.
I thought I saw one of them one time at the airport.
I don't know who it was.
Onward.
What else, man?
Thanks for calling, Rico.
Let's hear a little, let's take another call here.
This is Dalton.
Hey, Theo.
It's Dalton from Virginia.
Wow, that's a wild name, Dalton, bro.
I never heard of it before.
And that's a risky name, too, if somebody call you Dalt, you know, because I don't mean, you know, that means not super, you know, keen to what's happening.
But whatever, bro.
Fuck yeah.
That's a great name, dude, because now you're changing that shit.
You know?
That's like, you know, saying my name's Skimpy.
And people are like, are you Skimpy?
You're like, no, baby, I'm fucking thick.
You're like, oh, okay.
So Skimpy's doing something different with it all.
Let's hear more, adult.
This is in response to The Secret, the gentleman who wrote in.
But on to that, I just wanted to share a little quick personal thing that happened, part of my family.
Not real close to my family, but I just know the story.
My dad's brother, married kids, married 20, 30, some years, several, three, four kids.
One day got a knock at their door, and it was a lady, about 28 years old.
He was like, you know, I think you might be my father.
And so she showed up out of nowhere.
They sat down and kind of went through the timeline.
And, you know, sure enough, we had been traveling at some point, you know, however, 28-some years ago, and had gotten a lady pregnant over, I guess, in Japan or something like that.
Damn.
That's wild, man.
And look, I'll be honest, it would be hard to go to Japan and probably not try to bust a nut somewhere.
Think about that.
I mean, you know, I remember being young and I was traveling around a good bit and I would want to bust nuts on all these continents, you know?
And I remember one night falling asleep thinking, I'm going to bust a nut on all 40 fucking continents.
And then I get up in the morning and there's only seven continents or nine.
And I'm like, wow.
I was just going to be jerking off in like 31 other places for no reason.
You know?
I mean, that would have been crazy.
You know, you're out in fucking Guam beating off and people are like, what are you doing?
You know, you're like, I'm settling this land.
You know, I got a score to settle with Earth.
So, but that, you know, that's something impressive, man.
That's something impressive, you know, that she just showed up.
That had to be a long fucking lunch, boy.
What if your dad had just settled down to a sandwich?
He made himself his favorite sandwich.
The game is on, his fucking favorite game.
And then he gets that doorbell ring.
He opens it, and it's somebody that in his eyes and in his soul, he knows immediately, man, I know her from somewhere, even if he's never met her.
And bam, bruh.
You got a bonus child.
That's crazy.
That's crazy.
You know, I had a girl reach out to me on Facebook a few years ago, two years ago, and she said that we could be half siblings.
And we talked on the phone once, and I might try to look her back up and I've never met her.
And maybe she would actually come on here.
That'd be a neat guest to have.
That would be a super neat guest.
But Dalton, let's hear a little bit more.
Here we go.
You know, I was 28-something years ago and had gotten a lady pregnant over, I guess, in Japan or something like that.
But it messed things up for a little bit.
People were a little weird for maybe a day or two.
But that's not that long if you think about it.
She's a great part of the family now.
I know they have her over all the time.
She has a kid too that they treat just like one of the grandkids from the beginning.
It's a fantastic thing now.
I know that's a little bit different of a situation, but maybe that experience helps you guys out.
I guess you really just never know until you do something about it.
Yeah, that's a great point, man.
Look, and people, I think, yeah, there's that hiccup in the beginning, usually with most things, but then most people want to love.
Most people want other people in their life.
You know, I think about sometimes I would give anything to have a brother or a sister that was really young, you know, like a nine-year-old, you know, that was a nine-year-old right now.
Just to see them be alive and just for me to have that experience and watch them be a human and become a human.
And, you know, I see it some with my nieces and nephews, and that's fine, but it would be really neat to have it as like a brother or a sister, you know, a younger child where, where I could be a sibling to them in some facet, you know, and a part of their life in some way.
Man, that would be, you know, there's just such a blessing, I think, in having children and creating that thing.
You know, and you don't even realize, I think when you create a family, you don't even realize probably a lot of the gifts that you, you're going to create moments that those siblings are going to have between each other that you can't even fathom.
You won't even Be there to witness, but there'll be beautiful moments, and that's awesome that you know somebody showed up at the door.
That's that long knock, and you think it's a pizza delivery, and damn, that's that DNA delivery.
You know, is that uh, that's DNA Jorno, bruh?
That's at the door, bro, and that's forever, and that's family, bruh.
You got an extra large trade-up family, dude.
Gang, bruh, where them two-liter colas at.
Remember that?
They used to get you on that shit.
Uh, pizza hut.
No, dominoes would be like, we got that two-liter soda, bro.
I remember this one dude one time, we ordered a bunch of pizza to this party, and he came out.
He'd been drinking, delivering pizzas, and he skirted off the road because the road was fucking super dangerous.
It wasn't even a road.
It was just like a place where people would try to drive down it and basically just mostly almost die and sometimes really die.
And he fucking, this dude slipped off into the woods.
Next thing you know, he's at the door and he's bleeding and stuff like that.
And a couple people kept talking to him at the front door and calling 911 and stuff.
And then some other people went around to his car and got the pizzas out.
He had like nine pizzas because this dude was, you know, back in the day, you would leave once and you would just, you might be out there delivering for four hours.
And he also had a bunch of two-liter sodas that were just spraying everywhere because they'd been in the car accident.
And so they were spraying everywhere.
So that's one thing that was kind of a beautiful treat about them sodas is that you could shake them up and you had a little party right there.
And you could spray half of it and drink half of it.
And that's kind of nice.
Let's hear another call.
Here we go.
Hey, GEO, it's Alex from Kentucky.
I'm just calling to comment on the guy who wrote in last week saying that he was a secret.
And I want him to know that he ain't alone out there, that I myself was also a secret.
My mother and the guy hooked up whenever they were young, had me.
And then the guy, you know, like I said, they were just kids.
And the guy kind of ran away or whatever.
She moved back to Kentucky with me and met up with my, who I always thought was my dad, my real dad.
I had a little sister.
He was five years younger than me.
I never thought anything other until I got to the age of about 13. And of course, small town gossip.
The man who raised me wasn't my real father.
Wow.
And that's a wild rumor to hear around town.
Because, you know, I remember hearing shit like, you know, there's a man that sleeps outdoors at night without a tent.
And I remember hearing shit that, you know, somebody was cross-breeding animals.
And you would hear stuff like, you know, there's a woman that had a woman that kept a rare coin.
She had a wig and she would keep a rare coin under it.
And so we would always be plotting on ways to like, you know, get that wig off and, you know, get that treasure.
But to hear that, you know, that you got a different family, that's a unique rumor.
Let's hear more.
And then right at about that same time, he passed away, wrecked a semi-truck and died.
Damn.
Semi, that's sad, man.
That semi-truck, bro.
Those things are fucking dangerous.
You get hit by that shit or anything, man.
You fucked up.
And they're square in the front.
You know, mostly.
Remember the old ones were just straight up square.
They didn't have a nose on them.
What the fuck, man?
But sorry to hear that, bud.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I finally reached out.
I have three sisters, others than the one I was raised with, and two brothers.
And I'm the oldest of all of them.
They're great people.
I finally went up there, met them, got to hang out with them and everything.
I never met the dad or whatever.
Mike's his name.
Yeah, man.
Yeah, man.
Well, look, there you go.
You never know.
You never know when, you know.
And that's a gift.
It's a gift.
So your family gets bigger and your heart gets bigger and it's a little more unique.
It's the same thing with thinking.
It's the same thing when, you know, you had an eight box and now you got that 64 hitter.
Somebody showed up.
And you got fucking new family.
You got new senior citizens.
They got pets.
You know, look at little Marco, the fucking Chichen Itzas.
You know, you got it all.
And everything changes.
And that's it, man.
Sometimes we just, we get so stuck, we don't want to change.
And that's one thing, man.
I swear to God, dude, I've been thinking about the past couple days.
I'd never thought, you know, just even just going on to Joe Rogan's podcast and thinking about, and I'm not trying to keep name-dropping that.
I'm just, it shook me.
You know, I just woke up the next day thinking, wow, what if there's different universes?
And what if you met yourself?
Would you like yourself?
And just my mind was a little more open.
And your heart's a little more open when you get that kind of thing, when you get that new family member.
Thank you for calling in, man.
Let's hear a little, let's hear this, dude.
All right, we got this write-in that came in.
And this is a text that came into the hotline.
Hey, Theo, my name is Zach from Houston.
Shout out H-Town.
I'm 20. I'm texting from the hotline because I'm having brain surgery on Monday, the 21st.
I probably should have said procedure because surgery sounds aggressive, but it's not major brain surgery.
They ain't cracking my skull open or anything.
They're going through my artery to shoot some glue to make this thing stop growing.
Damn, I don't know what's growing in your head, bruh, but you know, if it ain't ideas or hope, then it's probably pretty painful.
And I'm sorry to hear that, dude.
You know, and I appreciate you telling me about this.
I don't understand it, but the doctors do, so I'm going to trust them.
That's huge.
That's huge.
To trust others, that's big, man.
That's a huge, that's in a very adult move, man.
You say you're 20. That's a very adult move.
Because you're sitting there just so scared and concerned because you don't trust them.
I can only imagine how painful that would be.
And so if you put trust into them, that's very huge, man.
I'm going to trust them.
The thing is I'm nervous about is forgetting things or having a stroke, which could happen.
It's rare, but it happens.
I'm not afraid to die.
So I kind of hope I die instead of have a stroke or be disabled.
Man, that's brave of you, dude.
You know, and I, you know, yeah, sometimes, yeah.
Because look, you might come right back.
God might need you right back.
You know, right back Zach.
You might be that dude right back Zach that you lived for 20 years and you pop right back.
And they need you somewhere else.
We need Zach over here.
We need him in Wisconsin.
We need him in Houston again.
You know, we need Zach and Zaire.
Like, people are like, damn, Zach's in Zaire.
You know, you might have, that might be for you.
That might be God's plan for you, bro, or the higher power is planned for you, whatever you want to think, whatever you want to call it, that's fine.
People get skirtish on the God thing.
That's three letters, baby.
That's just the quickest way to say you know what I'm saying.
It's something else out there.
Pushing the pieces, playing the chessboard.
But yeah, man, let me read a little bit more.
So in case I forget something, I can read this and jog my memory.
You really funny.
Keep up the podcast and stand up and hope that show gets picked up on Comedy Central.
Man, that's so nice of you, dude.
You know, here you are, you know, and he sent this.
This came in yesterday.
And here you are, you know, you might be on your way out and you're thinking about me, man.
Thank you.
You know, when you're thinking about us, you're not just, I know you're thinking about a lot of people, but, you know, you wanted to say you're funny and keep up the podcast and stand up.
And I will, man.
And look, and I'll be looking out for you.
If you go to heaven, man, we'll be looking out for you on the flip side.
That's right back, Zach.
And if you don't go, then when I come to Houston, man, come out and be my guest, please.
And look, I might make you laugh, sorry.
You might have a stroke then, bro.
How crazy would that be, dude?
Oh, this is so fucked up.
I shouldn't be thinking about this.
But we love you, bro.
Thanks for reaching out, dude.
You have a lot of people thinking about you.
You're going to be okay.
You're going to be okay either way.
You're going to be okay either way, man.
You sound like you got a huge heart.
Okay, and all these calls come out of the hotline, and that's 985-664-9503.
Anybody can hit the hotline with responses, suggestions for people, or issues that you're dealing with.
If there's anything you're trying to, you know, you're struggling with, you know, or anything you want to think about.
But yeah, if there's something you're struggling with, man, you got something in your heart, you got something in your feelings, man, get it out there.
You know, don't keep that inside of you by yourself, you know, because that's what's fucking us, is that we're just afraid to feel, man, we're afraid to be vulnerable.
And I am too, you know, and we do it here together.
So let's take this next hit here.
Bang.
Hey, Theo, you know, longtime listener, first time caller here.
I heard you say on the Joe Rogan podcast that where you lived in Louisiana, there was a lot of magic mushrooms growing naturally.
Oh, yeah, boy.
Oh, yeah.
I was just wondering if you could, you know, maybe follow up on that.
How do you identify those mushrooms?
Is there like a taste process where maybe it's not like a psilocybin mushroom?
So maybe you eat a little bit of shit on accident to try and test it to see if you get those effects.
Damn, bro.
This sounds like you calling like a 1-900 number.
Like this is like some kind of sex line or something about mushrooms.
Like you want me to just like, oh yeah, baby.
So what happened was I would take my shoes off, you see, and run out into there, into that damp grass.
And right there on the soil, you'd see a big old areola of cow dung.
Man, that thing was shining and glistening.
And right off the top of it, you would see a beautiful Majico muhramo.
And that is Latino, brother, for magic mushroom.
You know what I'm saying?
That David copper feel that's going to give you them floppy feels, bruh.
Man, you had them magic mushrooms.
What do you mean?
I ain't out there eating shit, bruh.
This ain't a Japanese game show, daddy.
This was young bucks out there.
And dude, it looks like a magic mushroom.
Google that bitch before you just run around a field with your mouth open.
Because 96.7% of mushrooms are killers.
Okay, that's why when you get that special 3%, it's magic.
If you just getting them killers and you snacking on killers, you're going to fall apart.
So get out there and get that hitter, man.
Get the real thing.
And it's beautiful white stem and it's so just succulent looking.
I mean, it looks like somebody just poured a tall glass of milk.
That's how white the stem is.
And then it's got this dirty little skirt, but the skirt doesn't even go down.
It just goes straight out on the side around the stem.
It's just this beautiful little purple skirt.
And that's where the fucking magic is, boy.
And that's where you feel the fucking Lord just licking the back of your neck when you get those hitters, bro.
We ain't out there eating shit, dude.
You being wild, boy.
You being wild.
But thank you for calling, man.
Thank you for calling.
You want that one?
Yeah, and then we put them into our mouths and everything changed.
And the world just started and just the clouds just started dripping out of the sky.
And we were catching the drops in our mouths and spitting them onto each other's backs.
What you want to hear, man?
What do you want to hear?
Okay, let's take another call or two.
Here we go.
Hey, what's up, Theo?
This is Jesse.
I live out here in Silver Lake.
I'm a storyboard artist on Bob's Burgers.
So I was at LA Fitness a couple weeks back.
Got in there pretty early before work started.
Get in there!
Moore?
So I was finishing up my workout and I go and get in the shower.
Damn, you took a shower at LA Fitness, dude?
Man, that's hectic, baby.
Moore?
They have those soap dispensers that are up on the wall about four feet or so off the ground, and they're clear so you can see inside to the soap.
And what was in it, dude?
Seeming?
I go and put my hand up underneath it because I'm about to get a couple couple squirts and lather up.
Damn, dude.
You might want to talk to the mushroom, dude.
I feel like both of you guys are trying to meet each other more.
And I see something's in there, so I look a little closer, and lo and behold, there is a 14-inch fully intact turd.
Ooh!
Ooh!
Wow, I didn't expect that, man.
Somebody put a turd in the straight-up hand soap dispenser?
Ooh.
That is an archaic move, bro.
That's old school, man.
That's back in the, I mean, that's like something you would do.
Like, that's like that old Trojan horse, bro.
You think you're getting soap and then, badam, boy?
That's just, you got that, you know, you got that feces.
You know, you think you getting, you think you're getting soap and then bam, boy, you got them fecal paws, bruh.
And that's just, that's pink eye waiting to happen.
That's pink eye country you're flirting with, more?
Sitting in the soap dispenser and it was pretty shocking.
I didn't put the soap on my body.
You lie, bruh.
You are lying.
And look, I love you, man.
I appreciate you calling, Jesse, but you have to say that.
You can't sit here and tell us the truth, man.
Dude, we know what happened.
There's no way you went the first time and then put it all.
It's the second time you went back when you saw that fucking hitter.
When you saw some dude drop that booty hitter into that soap dispenser.
My God, I've never heard of this.
Bro, where is the FBI?
Where's the FDA?
More?
I went out there, told the maintenance man that there was shit in the soap dispenser, and he basically stopped me mid-sentence and told me that it's been happening often and that they have a serial shitter.
So figured I'd run that one by you and see if you've ever come across any dumps in any weird locations or taken a dump yourself.
Oh, that's a good question, man.
Have you ever taken a dump yourself in a weird locale?
Well, a lot of people know this.
You know, I used to talk about this, or I've told this story.
When I was growing up, they had a boy in my neighborhood, and he, you know, named Mario.
And he was Italian, bruh.
Or he said he was anyway, or his parents just pretended he was and named him Mario.
And he was even named, I remember, after Super Mario, I think.
The video game.
So that's fucking, that's bizarre.
But anyhow, he would, you know, make poops in his yard and make me bury them so I could hang out with him.
Because that was the only way he let me hang out with him.
If when he did feces in the yard, I had to, you know, I had this little shovel, little beach shovel and little pail, and I had to bury him in there for him.
And so I did it.
You know, I didn't know any better.
I was a child and I had, you know, I had, I was just, I was wearing overall.
My mother always had me in overalls and shit.
So I looked, I probably, you know, in these little like, what are those hippie kind of sandals?
Not hippie, but they're like, fucking, I don't know, man.
They're like these, they're leather and they look like, you know, they look like almost like indentured servants would wear them.
They are Cumberland or something, Hilbert, sandals.
Fuck, I don't know.
They're fucking sandals, bruh.
And then, so I would wear these wild little sandals with these overalls.
I'll probably look like I should be burying shit.
So that if somebody drove by and saw me out there, you know, hiding these fucking little body bats, they weren't thinking that I was a bat.
You know, they probably like, oh, yeah, you dress like that.
You deserve to be fucking burying dukes.
And this kid, Mario, would make me bury all his shits around this dude.
And so he got repetitive.
He was shitting all the time.
So I've never had anything like that.
I've never had anybody poop in a soap dispenser, but I have had people, you know, shit for fun in different places.
And, you know, I was kind of, you know, had a service commitment, you know, at that boy's yard.
But then years later, he died.
He drove a bass boat into an embankment on, you know, allegedly on drugs and, you know, rest in peace.
And I actually wrote his parents a letter and told them about that, you know, and told them what had happened back in the day.
And I miss, you know, and he was a wild boy.
He had the wildness in him.
You know, sometimes he had something extra going on in him.
He was, he just had like a special energy.
You know, he had a special energy.
And he was into some of the dark arts, I think.
But anyhow, they buried him, I'm guessing, and they didn't let me be a pallbearer.
And that kind of pissed me off, you know, and a little bit somewhere in my head, I had a resentment.
Because I'm like, man, these people fucking put that boy in the ground and they didn't let me do it.
Because nobody's put more of that boy in the ground than this boy right here.
You know, and God rest his soul, man.
But yeah, sorry that that's happening, dude.
There's people shitting in soap dispensers, dude.
That's what happens, bro.
That's what happens when you don't trust the government anymore.
You know, that's what happens when the Democratic Party railroads their own candidates.
That's what happens when a 70-year-old man, Bernie Sanders, who gave his whole life to politics, gets fucked out of his own fucking nomination.
That's what happens in this world, bro.
Onward.
Let's hear more.
Great job on the Joe Rogan podcast.
The royal wedding was the other, was today.
It was this morning, early this morning.
It's late.
I'm getting out of work.
I'm a bartender in Santa Monica.
You can come anytime you want.
I'm also sober like you, but bartender, because I make money.
Thanks for calling in, Noah.
Yeah, the royal wedding was this weekend.
More?
Listen, about the royal wedding.
It's a big deal.
My wife was telling me all about it.
You got the black girl.
She's half white, half black.
You know, she's going to be in the royal family.
It's a big deal.
She's American.
It's all these first times for everything.
But I want to say, like, if you really want to be different and you're Prince Harry and he looks like a ginger, Marry another ginger.
Like, I got a buddy.
He's a black guy.
He's in all these commercials with a white wife and the mixed kid.
The mixed kid, the mixed thing is like, that's in right now.
If you really want to be like a trailblazer and you're a rat and you're a ginger, marry us another ginger.
Keep the gingers going.
That's what I'm saying, man.
That's true.
Keep the gingers going, dude.
That's a great point.
Yeah, it's like you want to be wild, do something that's out of the norm, that's not being seen.
You know, marry somebody of your own style, even.
I'm not saying that don't marry, don't interracial marriage.
I'm not saying any of that.
But I'd love to see a big sister and a Japanese boy.
Where's that at?
You know, I'd love to see a blonde-haired blue-eyed gal and a thick and a Rubinesque Korean fella.
You know, I'd love to see that mix.
But I'd also like to see that ginger on ginger.
Would they even allow that?
If you saw two gingers kissing at a stoplight, would you call the cops?
Yeah, it's like, I agree.
It's like, you know, we want different always changes.
What's different always changes.
And yeah, now it's like you see so many commercials where the family is also mixed.
And I think it's good for advertising because you want everybody to feel, you know, you want everybody to feel, you know, you don't want a kid to watch a Disney World commercial or Disneyland commercial.
I've talked about this before and see only white people at Disneyland or only what, you know, certain types of people or only wealthy people at Disneyland or only Asian people at SeaWorld or only, you know, black people at, you know, where, you know, I'm trying to think of, or at Essence Fest.
You know, you want to see, you want everybody to feel welcome, especially via advertising.
But yeah, you want to do something wild.
Do something really brave.
You know what I'm saying?
You only got one eye?
Marry somebody with only with two eyes.
Or you got two eyes, marry somebody with fucking three eyes.
Or half a dick.
You know, do something different.
You're not gay, marry somebody with a dick.
That's different.
Do some unique stuff.
Yeah, because yeah, sometimes the same old stuff is the same old stuff.
Make that, you got a, you got an eight box?
Let's get that 64. You know what I'm saying?
Somebody got one titty, fucking find somebody that's magenta.
Let's make a real wild family.
But ginger on ginger, dude, would they even allow it?
These are the questions we're asking, man.
These are the hard hitters.
What else, man?
I feel like, man, I feel like we've done a pretty good job this week, man.
Okay, yep.
All right, we're going to take one more question here.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo.
This is Rob in Georgia, man.
What's up, Rob in Georgia?
Thank you for calling, man.
Beautiful state you have there.
I'm just listening to this Nicole Arbor podcast.
It's always excited to see a new episode up.
Anyway, I'm only 20 minutes in, and I can't help but notice you seem kind of hostile, man.
Were you having a bad day when you interviewed her?
Do you genuinely not like this woman?
I just want to get your thoughts on that.
Wonder why you were feeling like that.
Thanks for calling, Rob.
You know, it was interesting having Nicole R. Brand.
I think that she's a funny lady.
I think she's an entertainer.
I think, you know, I'm not not going to have somebody on the podcast because, you know, there's this general thing in the air where people don't like them.
You know, I mean, would I have Satan on?
Yeah, because you know why?
I got question for Satan.
You think I'm sitting around with zero questions for Satan?
You're wrong.
And I'm not comparing Nicole to Satan or anything.
Like, look, I think Nicole's attractive.
You know, I think that she's funny.
I just didn't.
The thing was, man, honestly, and this took me an extra day or two to think about, and this is the last that I'll talk about this, is that I didn't, I don't know if she's genuine.
And that's what I didn't, that's what made me feel uncomfortable.
I don't believe that she is genuine.
And I could be wrong and I'm happy to be wrong, but I just don't, I didn't feel it.
And it made, I felt uncomfortable.
And so it was tough.
You know, it was tough.
And yeah, I try to make it an interesting conversation.
But, you know, I feel like she's constantly kind of in this PR world.
And I don't like that world that much.
You know, I like something that's really real.
If I can get real.
And some days it's hard, man.
Some days we don't fucking feel real.
You know, but there's times we can if we can, if we can be, if we, you know, those are special times these days.
I feel like that.
But yeah, I have that on that, man.
Man, so yeah, we've had a lot of great calls.
I appreciate that call.
We've had a lot of great ones this week.
And I just appreciate you guys just being in here with me, you know, and just helping me.
You know, I'm just happy to be here.
And I'm happy that you're here.
And yeah, we got some cool dates coming up on the road.
You know, I'm going to try to keep my brain thinking this week.
I'm going to try to not stay in my small cage sometimes.
You know, I'm going to try to maybe think, you know, if I talk to somebody that I don't know if I agree with or if it's only going to help me, it's only going to help me.
But if I stay too close to my template in my brain, then that's, you can be kind of limited.
You know, you can be kind of limited.
You're going to be limited to your yard.
You're going to be in your fishbowl.
Sometimes you got to fucking hop out and land in another tank.
And that's okay.
Because you can always get back into your bowl.
You know, but that's one of the things that I took away from being on Joe's show.
And that's one of, you know, and I, and, you know, and he makes me feel welcome.
And you're welcome.
Anybody is welcome here.
Anybody is welcome here.
And if we can't figure out why you're not, man, we'll figure it out.
You know, we're here to fucking figure shit out.
You think I'm going to fucking live on this ball of dirt in the middle of nowhere and not try and figure some of this shit out?
Not anymore.
I'm not.
Thank you guys for being here with me, man.
Okay, we're going to close out here.
And this is called, this was sent in through theovan.com, where you can send in, you can be a part of the podcast, merchandise, all kinds of stuff.
And this is by Thomas Seiple, and this is called Gentilly Philly.
And thank you guys for being here with me.
And you guys, be good to yourselves.
You probably deserve it.
Get in there!
Man, that's good, huh?
Thank you, Thomas.
A lot of talent out in this world, isn't there?
*music*
We're gonna be okay.
You know that, guys, right?
They got this.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweet.
Easy to you.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
What do you mean?
Hi, I'll take a quarter pot of cheese at a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
