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May 24, 2018 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
01:21:10
Jamie Kennedy | This Past Weekend #98

Jamie Kennedy joins Theo for a conversation about possible peediofile's in their respective childhoods, the incredible comedy scene in LA at the moment, and Jamie's future plans. Jamie Kennedy Tour: http://www.jamiekennedy.com/ Instagram: www.instagram.com/thejamiekennedy Twitter: www.twitter.com/jamiekennedy ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Support Our Sponsors Ridge Wallet https://www.ridgewallet.com/theo Use code “theo” for 10% off your order Pranks Anonymous https://www.pranksanonymous.com Use code “theo” for 10% off your order Greyblock Pizza https://www.greyblockpizza.com http://bit.ly/Modrats ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Music Shine by Bishop Gunn YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/shine/1367188677?i=1367188711 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man Up - Comedy Central Pilot based off the Podcast Episode 1 YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_F2AuyEbCI0 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ComedyCentral/videos/540480146346331/ Episode 2 YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGwxlvzpFdI Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ComedyCentralCentral/videos/539377409789938/ Episode 3 YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTxLcmKlA4Q& Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ComedyCentralCentral/videos/539380113123001/ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Theo Von/This Past Weekend Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/theovon Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theovon/ https://www.instagram.com/thispastweekend_/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheoVon Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theo.von Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend/ Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/TheoVon/ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Other Gunts Patreon Gunt Squad: Alaskan Rock Vodka Angelo Raygun Renee Nicol Matthew Snow Megan Andersen-Hall Stephanie Claire Ryan Wolfe Carla Huffman Austin Kehler Jeremy West Kenton call Steve Corlew Nick Butcher Megan Daily Joe Tromm Ken Melvin Troy Cosmas Matt Kaman Tom Kostya Mike Vo Micky Maddux Sam Illgen Ben Liimes Alexis Caniglia Stepfan Jefferies David Smith Logan Yakemchuk Aidan Duffy MEDICATED VETERAN Ken Comstock Dan Ray Audrey Harlan Matthew Popov kristen rogers Josh Cowger Kelly Elliott Mark Glassy Dwehji Majd Jason Haley Jameson Flood Jason Bragg Cory Alvarez Christopher Christensen Scott Lucy Benv Deignan Cody Cummings Shannon Schulte Aaron Stein Lorell “Loretta†Ray Stacy Blessing Andy Mac Campbell Hile John Kutch Adriana Hernandez Jeffrey Lusero Alex Hitchins Joe Dunn Kennedy Joey Piemonte Robyn Tatu Beau Adams Yoga Shawn-Leigh henry Laura Williams Alex Person Mona McCune Suzanne O'Reilly Rashelle Raymond Chad Saltzman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Arielle Nicole Greg H Dave Engelman Calvin Doyle Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Qie Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Ned Arick J Garcia Lauren Cribb Ty Oliver Tom in Rural NC Christian from Bakersfield Matt Holland Charley Dunham Casey RobertsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time Text
Okay, today's episode we'll get to in just a second.
We have a beautiful guest in, and this man has been through it all.
You know, he's had the highs and lows of a career.
And not the lows, but when you have highs, you have the alternate side of those.
You know, he's had the peaks and valleys.
We'll say that.
And he's a special guy, and I'm happy to be in here talking about him and talking with him.
And this episode today is brought to you by Pranks Anonymous.
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You can do it all, man.
Change somebody's day.
Get edgy.
Ever seen somebody try to get glitter out of their scalp?
That's a month-long adventure, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
That's just gay lice living up in your dome, baby.
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I'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be bro, you're right under Marin, dude.
I'm looking at the charts.
Holy shit.
Congrats, homes.
I know you're recording right now.
Sorry.
405, bro.
I'm like, Boss Lawson.
It's close.
It's fucking helicopter on the freeway or some shit.
Bro, it's a fucking parking lot, dude.
I left before Google told me.
Bear with me, man.
But, dude, I think people would listen to you, Jamie.
I really do.
I would listen to you.
You're just kind of this fascinating creature, I think.
Thank you.
Are we on that?
You know?
Yeah, you're like a lot mess monster, but you're not hidden.
It's like your pumps are out.
Humps are out.
Jamie Kennedy's here with me today, and I'm super excited, man.
Yeah.
Dude, you've been working so hard.
I mean, I see you in the comedy clubs all the time.
I know.
I've been doing it, but it's let me ask you this.
Because it's like I was like on the road forever, right?
And then I did a thing with Melissa McQueen.
And she's like, you got to come to the store and do a show.
And then I did.
And then I was like, you know, talking to people, I'm like, well, if you're on the road all the time, you're doing five or six shows, why do you do, you know, in town?
Because you're dead.
And Bobby Lee, man, really hit me to it.
He's like, dude, you got to perform in town, in front of your peers, with your peers, because being on the road is completely different.
Yeah.
And then ever since he said that about two years ago, I've just been like, but also I feel comedy has gotten super hot.
And would you say the last three years?
Yeah.
In town?
Because I've been doing comedy for a long time.
Oh, and you tell me.
I mean, you might even know better.
Yeah, to me, it has, but my breadth of perspective isn't as large as yours.
Well, stop using big phrases.
Dude, those would be the only ones.
Big one.
The only ones.
Well, I feel like, you know, like the last two years, I almost about to, I've been hitting the town hard because, you know, Netflix has been doing the specials.
You know, Hulu's opening up in Amazon.
Everybody, I mean, you know, it used to be like a special.
You would drive down Sunset Boulevard and you would see, you know, one person and it'd be like, you know, bigger and black.
Like, damn, that's like, and now it's like, yo, you see one building, you see a bench, you see, I mean, there's specials.
There's a lot of specials.
There's so many specials.
So it's like, I was like, I want to, you know, work on that and try to work towards doing a new special.
Yeah.
And that's why I've been doing it.
But I have never, in my history, I started in the late, late, early 90s, almost late, but 1990 was when I did my first set.
I've never seen town this hot.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, dude, you go to the OR, you'll see 16 comedy superstars.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You being one of them.
Yeah.
And just like, bam, bam, bam.
And it's like, people are so spoiled.
And you go on the road and you sell 400 tickets and you're like, I'm the man.
And then you're like doing 15 minutes and they're like, ooh, that was a tough set.
And you realize because you're everyone, you're playing for the Yankees.
Yeah.
And so I was, I'm glad to be in town doing it because it makes me better.
But it's like, it is intense.
It's five.
Yeah, it definitely seems hot.
Are we good on the levels, Nick?
Okay.
Everybody is in it.
And now I'm not, because you were saying that before, like, man, you're hitting it hard.
And now I don't want to stop because I don't feel like I don't want to miss a step.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Well, that's what it seemed like.
It just seemed like you've been picking it up.
It's like, you know, I mean, half the shows I'm on, I feel like you're on most of the time.
And has comedy always been with you in your career?
Because when I first got hip to you, you know, you were mostly acting.
And has comedy, but you were a comedian before that.
Yeah.
So most people don't know that I started as a comic.
So my heroes were, you know, I had a few heroes, but Eddie Murphy, number one, Mike Myers, number two.
Oh, wow.
And, you know, I was kind of really into SNL.
You know, that was my role.
So I moved to LA.
It was an extra.
It's a long story.
But then I started auditioning for improv groups In 1990, and I got in a couple improv groups, and I would go to improv groups and do like they would have these groups at the schools, and we do these shows, and we get like 20 bucks a show.
It's just like, you know, good, you're making a living, right?
Then a lot of them shut down, and there was why, what was it?
Like, there wasn't like crimes or anything going on, huh?
No, it was just like, you know, how long, how profitable is an improv if the school board isn't paying you to do a show about, you know, better nutrition, but make it funny or, you know, fire drills or whatever, right?
So nuclear warnings, hurricane warnings, dude, everything.
Yeah, so I, I, exactly.
So now you couldn't even do that.
If you went to schools now, you'd have to, they wouldn't let five comedians into a school.
No.
No way.
In the afternoon, like one o'clock, it's like kids are tired and they put a hat on and it's like, you don't know what character that hat's going to be.
And it's like, I need a location, the Playboy Mansion, you know, or whatever.
Everybody's a pedophile.
You're like, man, crazy.
Say that.
Dude, well, there's just so many pedophiles out there now, man.
I quit.
I got rid of the app, the Stranger Danger app or whatever.
What is that?
We can see how many pedophiles are in your area.
Is that a real thing?
Yeah, it's like Stranger Danger, it's called.
And you can see how many pedophiles in your area.
Dude, there's so many, I won't even jerk off because I'm afraid somebody's going to molest my semen.
Like, there's so many pedophiles.
It's baffling, bro.
Wait, where does the semen go?
Oh, so you're saying your semen turns into a human?
No, what I'm saying is there are so many.
If you were to get on this app now and see it, I don't even know if we can pull up the site or something, but there's Stranger Danger.
It's where you can see how many pedophiles registered.
You know, people in the union, I guess, is unionized.
But registered sex offenders who are within your area.
But dude, it's everybody.
Like, I think everybody.
So then what I was saying, I won't even masturbate because I'm afraid somebody will come over and just touch that.
Yeah, oh, I got it.
Just because it's so young.
So that's where I was going.
That was okay.
But see how smart he is?
Thanks for laughing, man.
It makes me happy.
I have a question.
Yeah.
So did you ever notice there's I'll go back to what we're talking about, but the teachers.
Oh, look at this.
Oh, God.
Is that real?
Is that real?
Are you kidding?
That's just off of Culver Boulevard.
That is, brother.
Damn, all the red dots are touchers?
Yeah, that's a shake shack, baby.
Everywhere is a shake shack.
Oh, my God.
I'm going to say shake shack, shake shack, because I really do like that.
I like the hamburgers.
Have you ever seen so many hot teachers touching?
I know.
Is it a story every couple of days?
Am I right?
Well, yeah, what is that?
What is it, you think?
Because something is, do you think something is going on or do you think that it's just now it's a popular story?
Always been.
And I think the internet has made everything transparent.
And I think it's always been happening, but now everything, you can see everything.
Was there a teacher that ever tried anything with you or did something?
Because you were tall.
You're a tall guy.
So you probably had that.
You had an opportunity.
So that height helps, right?
Adam's out.
You know what I'm saying?
So I don't want to name names.
First of all, you know, I used to do this joke, which is true, which I was on Ultra Boy, and I was never even touched, which made me feel like I wasn't cute.
Yeah.
So, you know, I had to join the Boy Scouts.
But here's the thing is that we did have a teacher who was a nice guy.
And he would take me and my buddies out to Burger King like once a week.
You know, we get to remember those like.
Was he handicapped?
No, he was normal.
Oh, because I knew a handicapped guy that would do that.
He would do that in the Philly area.
But that's a good observation.
So he would take us out, three of us, and we would just, you know, eat those whoppers and we get fries.
And he would really let us order.
Yeah.
And then I didn't think anything was weird until, because we're from Philly.
So Philly, we kind of like turn the tables on the touchers.
We like touch the touchers.
Yeah, yeah.
And so he, we used to eat jawbreakers.
That was a big thing in eighth grade, seventh grade.
Beautiful candies, too.
Yeah.
And they were hard to deal with, but good.
Yeah.
And they were big, and they would, these things would puff up your cheeks.
So when we would eat them in school, we would get in trouble.
So in an order not to get in trouble, we would make him eat it.
And the game was how many jawbreakers could you fit in your mouth?
And so we had him put about three and three in each cheek.
I mean, this old guy?
He was middle-aged, nice guy who took us to Burger King.
And he's like, I can fit seven.
And he had that accent.
And I wasn't knowing what he was.
And he goes, I can put eight.
And so like three?
You know what I'm saying?
I can fit seven.
But you know, that area of the world, whatever that is.
Salt facts.
You know what I mean?
Soft Texas, whatever it is.
Cotton throat.
Cotton throat.
And we jammed him in there to the point where we're putting him in at the Burger King, jawbreakers in his mouth.
He goes, I can hit more.
And this stuff was like, you know, Charlie Chipmunk.
And it wasn't until I was probably like, you know, 23 and I'm sitting on my couch, you know, like, you know, just after a Taco Bell audition.
I'm like, damn, maybe that guy had ill intentions.
But nothing happened, ever weird.
But the more, I'll just say, the more we jammed in his mouth, the happier he was.
That's beautiful.
So whatever that was, that was my...
Oh, that's like a fourth world country, man.
The more you put in their mouths, the happier they are.
Yeah.
And I'll say this, man.
That reminded me of a story of this boy.
I used to know this boy named Michael.
I don't know if I can say his name or not, but he's.
Oh, don't put him on blast.
Oh, I don't think he'll.
I don't even think he could hear.
Okay.
But this boy named Michael Rutch was his last name, right?
Rutch.
Yeah, rut.
Not a very...
Well, here's the thing.
So what happened with Michael Rutch was he had, he was, you know, kind of, he had extra salivary glands, you know, and he was always just leaking out of the sides of his mouth, you know?
He was real damp up just up in that fucking face hole, you know?
He was just sweating out of his lips all the time, bro.
You know, like it would be easy to get DNA off of him.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, you just swab it.
You could take some on your finger, put it in a, okay.
Yeah, you could save it.
He just had, he gave it all.
So he was a drooler.
Yeah, he was a drooler.
Gotcha.
Well, they had this man.
His mother used to date one of her students who was a substitute teacher.
And she dated this boy that was in her class, who was 16 years old.
His name was Clint, like Clint, but with an N in it.
And so she dated him.
So he would come over to the house and they would hook up inside, the substitute teachers, who's probably 30, and this boy Clint.
And meanwhile, me and her son, Michael Rutch, would sit outside in Clint's car.
And Clint had a ham radio, one of those CB radios you get on there, you know, breaker, breaker, you know?
Jawbreaker, jawbreaker.
How many can you fit?
Jawbreaker, jawbreaker.
How many can you fit?
So we'd sit out there.
One time we get talking to some man on the interstate.
He drives off the interstate.
No, this is before Catching Predators.
Yeah, this is way before MSNBC.
This when they weren't catching anybody.
No, this is like a live.
Yeah, it's a live version.
I got you.
It's a live version.
I got you.
This man shows up, and then he's got me and Rutch sitting in his truck, right?
And he is having us put Tootsie rolls in each other's mouths.
You guys are doing that to each other.
Yeah, he's like, you guys should see who could have the most Tootsie rolls in their mouths.
So it's like similar.
So this jawbreaking thing was probably happening at the same time.
Okay, so this is jamming stuff.
This is happening.
Yeah, where's that on the map?
Where's the stuff a mouth at?
So wait, so how much did you can, because those things can get stuffed?
Oh, this boy could get Michael Ruff.
I mean, that's the thing.
He had the slick doors on his face.
You know what I'm saying?
So he was hiding 14, 16, 17 in there.
Wait, the long or the minis?
Oh, the minis.
16 minis, but how old is he?
What a pervert, dude.
The long ones.
I'm saying, because, well, there was a better bargain.
You got like four of those for like half the price of that long one.
I'm just saying.
Got weird.
That guy checked that out.
So, yeah, no, the minis.
But thank God he could hold so many because at one point that guy, Clint, came out of the house, saw this dude, and beat that man's ass.
Wow.
I saw it ended good.
Yeah.
No diddling there.
No diddling.
No, nothing wild.
But yeah, it was popular in my neighborhood.
If you got molested or we had a school teacher that took us to a Maryland Manson and dropped us off in there when we were 16, you know, and he was, you know, he went to jail for pedophiling.
And it was more popular.
But what's going on now?
Because now it's women with boys.
What's going on?
Ah, well, they're living the dream, these young students.
Yeah.
I mean, tell me, if some teacher hit on you when you're 16, are you reporting?
And then if your mom catches and says, this is terrible, you go, mom, don't cock block.
Are you saying that?
Yes or no?
Am I wrong?
Stop me when I lie.
Oh, I bet there's so many students.
Students are like, mom!
Dude, these girls stay with me, bro.
They're not just sleeping with them.
They're taking them down in the Priuses behind the damn basketball court.
But dude, they're not only doing that, they're running trains.
They're bringing intramural sport athletes, doing two, three at a time.
All aboard, they're running drills, dude.
Dude, straight up tip drills, London Bridges, and they're getting report, and then they're documenting.
The teachers are documenting it.
Drawing.
One lady had a sketch artist come and draw pictures of them fucking.
How crazy is that?
Is that real?
Yeah, it's like.
And then the husbands will find out.
And the one dude, I'll never forget, this girl had four.
She had four.
And it was like two at a time, two at a time with toys, three at a time, four, you know, Dell Taco Break, you know, and they're in high school, so you know they can go a couple rounds.
And so she went, and the husband says, for easy serve in high school.
Yeah, the husband said, I know that she's sick, and we're going to work through it.
Wow.
Which is, I just think, a cuck.
Oh, you think he was watching it?
No, I just think he was.
He liked it.
He was a cuck.
I call it, you know, right now it's all that's going on with men.
You know, it's good that the women are cleaning out the creeps, but, you know, being a man is a little hard in certain areas right now.
Like the alpha male is getting a little bit, you know, it's a little.
Oh, yeah, it's risky to be an alpha male, dude.
I thought about cutting off my hands.
Yeah.
Yeah, so it's beta.
I call it, you know, the betas are coming in.
I call them the beta broom boys.
Oh, them soft boys.
Yeah, which one, you know, which a woman really like.
It's like, you know, they want somebody, some women, not all women.
I'm not saying don't get mad, but it's like they want a guy that, if you're, if you're a strong woman, you want a guy that you can take care of.
Take care care of.
But those guys that signed up in the corner, you know, some of these guys, while the woman is getting done, why did they, they would like a broom.
Yeah.
So they can sweep up.
Oh, yeah.
They want the full activity.
Yeah, right?
And it's like, I'm sorry, mistress.
That's a known thing.
Is it?
You could Google that.
That cavity search.
No, I've heard about that.
There's a lot of men who are searching their own cavities with all kinds of accoutrements, broomsticks and shovel handles, everything.
There are.
You don't think there are?
Oh, for sure.
Well, you know, you learn stuff.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I mean, I didn't learn until you could jerk off when I was 28. I learned that you could jerk off like that.
I didn't took me that long.
Oh, the other way?
Yeah, it's still like a reverse twisty.
It took me that long.
Dude, I used to do this thing where I would tape both my hands together with duct tape, right?
And have my brother tape them, and I would say it was for like school for science.
That's what I would tell him.
And then I would tape like a hole in my hands like this.
And I don't know what I thought the tape was for.
And then I would go masturbate with both hands at the same time.
Wow.
And it was stupid.
Wow.
Yeah.
But then the crazy part was you had all this tape, you know, and you had like semen on the floor or wherever or something.
Yeah.
And you had this tape on your hand.
So then it was like this real whodunit, like this kind of hairy Houdini, you know, goes to the bunny ranch kind of fucking scenario.
And you're, you know, and somebody's beating on the door and you've been saying you're in there, you know, shit.
And like, I must have taken so many shits when I was 14 years old.
Wait, how do we get the shit?
Just because I was always having an excuse while I was in the bathroom.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
I mean, I was in the bathroom in my office an hour a day when I get home from school.
Wow.
Whole hour.
Oh, I'd masturbate till I was weak in the legs, dude.
I remember, dude, the first time I ever masturbated, I climbed up a shelving unit, right, and found some pornography.
They had pornography magazines and a fifth of Alizé just swamp water.
It's just like colored liqueur, you know, just a real big brother sipper.
It was orange-flavored or something.
And I took a swig off of that and I was jerking off from the shelves, just up on the shelves, just couldn't even get down.
That's how enamored I was by masturbation and addiction, addicted to that.
Wow, you were doing it.
Oh, I fucking just fell off the shelves after I came.
I couldn't even keep myself up.
I couldn't even handle myself.
You were like drunk, but also euphoric.
Yeah.
But that's how much it meant to me, like to go and masturbate, to go have that.
I remember I would bike five miles across town.
My buddy's dad had some pornography magazines in their bathroom.
Yeah.
And I'd bike five miles to get there just to jerk off and then bike back.
Yeah.
Do you know what you told me before we started the podcast?
You got a lot of DMs from those lonely men.
Oh, yeah, man.
I think that's going to help this cause this story right now.
You're going to have another thousand.
I love jerking off and driving five miles for a beaver shot.
Yeah.
Your DMs blown the fuck like yours ain't gave us.
Put another shot.
I'll break around my mile.
I was the victim.
I was trying to get B's, bro.
I'm trying to get B's and C's.
You know, 72. But how do we get...
It's hot ladies.
Yeah, and it's good.
All right, where are we going?
It's hot ladies now with these young men.
But do you think that there's something else going on there?
Because this is what I start to wonder.
Is there something else going on in the ether?
Yeah, in the ether.
Like men haven't been, you know, women are feeling like they, that older men are too, you know, that they're affected too much or that they missed out at a young age.
Like, do you think there's any, and that's why they're going for these young, you know, these boys in their classrooms?
Do you think there's any of that or do you think that's crazy?
I'll say this.
I don't get how teachers, if you're a teacher, you're supposed to have a level of intelligence.
If you're going to do something, which is clearly illegal and, you know, immoral, not only are you doing it, but you're doing it and documenting it and having a digital footprint, which is psychotic.
Why do I think they're doing it?
I think because if you do that job, the little bit I've been reading about, I mean, there's a story every three days.
I think something about you, you like to be, you know, center of attention.
Look at our job.
Control.
You know, maybe some of these guys are 16, but they look 20. I don't know.
Fantasy.
I don't know.
There's a lot of fantasies, man, but I just think people get caught up in the moment.
I don't know.
I think some of them probably have issues.
Obviously, it's all type.
No, I like that.
I mean, the fact that they're documenting it too, that tells me something else because if anything, like back in the day, you would maybe a creepy dude would do something like that.
They would hook up with the young girl.
They would document it.
That was like something you would see on an early season of Criminal Minds, you know, like that was enough of a plot.
Like that was real stuff.
But now it's like if these women are documenting it, that shows to me that they want to keep it for some reason, that they want that, you know, that treasure trove of little artifacts they can go back and look at.
But they're going to go back for the bank.
Right.
They're going back to, you know, to, that's a spank bank, maybe.
Yeah.
But the bottom line is it's crazy and it's happening more and more.
But if I was in high school and I was 16 and my teacher was flirting with me, I would think that was a good thing.
But it is illegal.
I think Jamie just hit it.
I think these kids, these guys are hearing about these stories happening.
So they're getting more emboldened and they're making a little pass of the teacher more than they would.
I know, I had this teacher, senior Spanish teacher when I was in freshman year, and I loved her, but I just never thought it was a possibility.
Later, I found out she was messing around with a senior.
I could have had a chance the whole time, but I didn't think it was a possibility.
Now these kids know it's real.
Bro, no, some of these teachers are coming hard at the guys, number one.
And number two, yeah, what's number two?
I forgot my point.
I know.
I always do that, bro.
I fucking forgot my point.
But wait.
Okay, so what number one was what?
That I forgot number one then.
Number one was that the teachers are coming hard.
Yeah, they're coming hard.
Yeah, the teachers are coming hard now, but I agree.
That's a great point.
Yeah, because I was just jawbreaking it.
Yeah.
But that was not.
You were just hanging out with the fucking free whopper.
Yeah.
Jaw breaking it.
You know what's the big deal with me?
Tickling.
These guys, you like to tickle.
They like to be tickled.
Just a little coochie coochie, you know, tickle them.
That type of stuff.
But I wasn't doing anything and I wasn't getting it.
No hot teachers.
I had nothing.
I had jawbreaker.
That's all I had.
But I could see you, you know, if I'm a hot teacher, I'm not going.
I mean, I think a tall guy would have more.
But were you like tall and lanky?
Were you tall and you were lanky?
Yeah.
Nobody's fucked.
A teacher's not fucking that dude.
A teacher's fucking like the jacked kind of like backup quarterback type of dude.
Really?
You know?
Yeah, no offense, but the tall, lanky dude ain't getting fucked by the teacher like that.
You know what I'm saying?
That dude might.
Why?
He's, you know.
Just because you don't know what's going on with him.
Like, one day his head's real long or his chin's real long.
Oh, his growth spurt.
Yeah, those growth spurts, I think, are scary to people around that age.
Yeah.
Like, you meet a kid and he look, you know, one day one of his arms is going longer and the next day that's just too much sprouting.
You know?
Like, you're really, you're doing too much.
Like, one day your friend would have a fucking, the longest neck in the world.
You're like, what the fuck, Terrence?
We get in trouble.
We talk about this stuff.
The world is scary right now.
No, this is a world that we live in.
We can't hope that we live here, dude.
We didn't even put ourselves on this planet.
I know.
But do you ever find, like, as we do comedy, it's like, I do jokes about it, man.
It's the most intense time to do comedy in terms of political crack, right?
Right.
I think it's getting better, though.
I think it's on the way back.
Okay, good.
Pendulum swinging back.
I do notice that 100%.
I've had three different times at three shows in town.
Two times and then one time out of town.
People have approached me and asked me why I did a certain jokes.
Oh, yeah?
And was it always a certain topic?
Was it joking about molestation?
Was it joking about...
So it's a rape joke.
So it has rape in it.
It has the word rape in it.
But there's no rape happening.
It's an imaginary.
It was written about me as a block.
And those would be your parents if that did happen.
Exactly.
They're not bad-looking parents.
Yeah.
And you can't make fun of your own parents?
No.
And so people went off and said, Why are you endorsing rape culture?
I'm like, I'm not.
It was written about me, and I had a whole dissertation.
Wow.
So I just listened, man.
I just listened.
Yeah.
Well, the heckler, I feel like, I mean, you did that documentary, The Heckler.
Yeah.
And The Heckler these days is, was that with Michael Addis?
Who was that with?
Yeah, it was Michael.
Nice.
I just saw Michael the other day.
Yeah.
But if that documentary, I feel like the heckler now is the media, kind of.
Well, what we did when we did that was I was just working on my first hour when I did that.
I was in clubs and I would get heckles, not so much crazy heckles.
I was getting heckles, but it was more like drunken, emboldened people.
And they were hilarious.
And my comebacks were pretty damn good too.
And we started documenting it, which was filming me to get my bits down.
And it ended up becoming, I'm like, dude, this is something here.
And he agreed.
And that's what Heckler started, how the Heckler was a live action person, right?
So it was somebody in the audience, no matter what the event, hey, you suck.
Then I was around 05, 06 when it happened and there was blogs or the rage.
And that's when people, not the New York Times or LA Times were reviewing your movie.
That's when, you know, this is a wafflemovie.com.
This is a real site.
How many waffles, zero out of five waffles, did your movie get?
And I was getting, you know, not a lot of waffles.
Yeah, two waffles.
Yeah, I got a waffle and a half.
Damn.
And I'm like, waffle house.
You know, you know, I got to have two, right?
So, and I'm like, who the fuck is this guy?
And then that shit started springing up.
It's like, you know, eggplant.com, three eggplants.
And so everybody started having this voice.
And I realized heckling wasn't just the people.
It was now bloggers.
Now it's the media.
But it's gotten even crazier, bro, which is, which is, you're right.
And, you know, I'm not going to suck my own D, but the movie was a little early ahead of its time.
But now there's something what I call cannibalism where, I mean, artists are straight up heckling each other.
Only like comics are, you know, heckling each other or, you know, music, people are fucking having Twitter wars.
That's crazy to me.
Really?
100%.
Well, what's crazy to you about that?
Well, oh, okay, good.
Because this business is insanely difficult.
It's so fucking hard.
And the fact that you're in this business means that you're not exactly well adjusted.
So it's painful.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Okay, I didn't come here for, you know, because, you know, my life is happy.
Right.
You didn't stay here because you might have come here with your dream, but it does start to change.
Yeah.
And it's hurtful.
It's hurtful here.
And it's, it's, it's, and it's, but it's a, but it's beautiful.
You know, those 10, 15 minutes I have on stage or that five, you know, 20 seconds to say my line before they sell cut, that's where I'm happiest.
I love it.
You know, people's reaction, I love it.
But it's, it's, we're in a fraternity, a brotherhood.
And I feel like people, when I, I don't fuck with anybody because I know how hard this journey is.
That's my opinion.
And I grew up where my heroes were like, you know, 50, you know, 50s, you know, 60s.
I understood what Hollywood, you ought to read Marlon Brando's book.
And he would say that there would be a premiere at Man's Chinese, and it would go from Man's Chinese down past the gower.
You know how long that is?
That line, that's like a mile for a premiere.
And Hollywood was beyond, beyond special.
And to get in was insanely difficult.
You know, you had to be past the gates.
Now what's beautiful is all the tools to do it yourself, you can get in.
But it's no barrier to entry and there's issues there.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, I mean, you know, there's a couple different topics in there.
I mean, for one, it's like, yeah, it's like anybody can get in here now for sure.
And I think you almost have to create your own way in these days.
100%.
I don't think it's as prevalent.
You know, there's so much nepotism now.
The business has been going on a couple more generations, you know, or another generation.
It's like, it's just, it's really hard to get into this business unless you.
It's easier now.
Right.
But unless you create, it's hard to get into this old business.
But if you create your own way, then it's easier.
And then it's your own business.
You know, I think like, you know, it used to be the big three networks and Fox, you know, and are trying to get into a movie.
But now all of that business is so like, it's so cutthroat and jaded over there.
If you just try and wait on these casting directors to meet a producer at a coffee shop, that shit's not happening anymore.
So you have to create your own shit so that they come to you now.
Yeah, 100%.
But wait, you were surprised that I said, I don't heckle other artists.
Why are you surprised that?
I wasn't surprised at that.
What I'm saying is that the media is the heckler now.
That was my thought.
Like now the heckler used to be that man sitting in the front row.
I can deal with that now.
Now the heckler is like, I mean, well, the comedy is kind of divided.
And I feel like there's real comedians and then there's also like joke writers who are on stage.
And I feel like this, the industry caters a lot more towards writers.
Wow.
When it's like, what do you mean?
I could listen to that offstage.
People are going to hate that you said that, but boy.
I could listen to that offstage.
What makes this person interesting?
Just that they got up there and they're just writing and then reading it on stage?
Wow.
Is that entertaining?
I'm not saying it's not entertainment.
Damn.
But I would watch a guy like Sebastian Maniscalco till my ball skin falls off my balls.
100%.
He's an entertainer.
Because he's an entertainer.
Entertainer of Chris DeLeah.
I watch him.
Entertainer.
Yeah, you go write down Maniscalco stuff or DeLeah's stuff on paper.
It's whatever, maybe.
But you watch them do it, and it's electricity.
Electricity.
Totally agree.
Entertainers.
That is an amazing note.
And I think they don't have them anymore.
It's like where, like, half these people, like, it's just like, is this entertainment?
Even if it's not even great, I'd rather it be like Mike Epps, like one of his specials that came out two years ago got a bunch of bad reviews and stuff.
But I thought it was, at least it was entertaining.
Yeah.
You know, he's not a writer.
Mike Epps is a performer.
Bro, I'm the same way.
I feel like I'm a performer.
Yeah, you're a performer.
Sometimes we'll go out there and go blah.
And people be like, oh, he's big.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
But it's like, yeah, he's got energy.
But it's like, but there's times when I'll be low energy.
But it is like, I agree.
My performing is much stronger than my writing.
But I, dude, you're saying some fucking gold.
Now, people are probably going to hate that, but I so agree with you.
And you know what that has to do with?
Charisma.
Yeah.
Charisma.
Yeah.
Charisma is what you're saying.
Well, then why doesn't the industry, why doesn't the industry go after charisma anymore?
It's like you could sit in the comedy store for one night and see so much fucking charisma.
It's just like, how everybody in this place doesn't have some, isn't, you know.
Well, there's a lot.
A lot of success.
Right.
There's a lot of successful people in there.
It's a good point.
But yeah, it just seems sometimes like we've gotten away from entertainment and they've just tried to.
Here's what I want to say on that point.
And we're talking about what I said I don't talk about, so I'm a hypocrite.
Yeah, no, look, we're all hypocrites, man.
We're just trying our best.
But what I do say is this is, though, is that...
I lost my point again.
Is that I do feel this when like you put yourself there's something that happens sometimes in comedy, not all the time, and maybe entertainment, where people are being cool.
And cool is the death of entertainment.
The coolest people I know are fucking real.
Yeah.
And they're not cool.
You know what I'm saying?
So I feel sometimes what you're saying is like when I go on stage, I can bomb.
Shit, I had some tough sets last week.
But I try to be vulnerable.
And I feel that sometimes people don't want to do that because they don't want to seem like, ooh, I can, you know, go fail.
Right.
It's more people just saying that they're vulnerable than it is actually being vulnerable.
No, like straight up vulnerable.
Yeah.
And I do agree with that.
And that's what there's, I think Hollywood sometimes looks vulnerability as weak.
Yeah.
You know, like my dad used to say, just because I'm nice doesn't mean, you know, I'm weak, you know.
Right.
Yeah, just because I'm nice doesn't mean that I'm weak.
Yeah.
So it's like, I do feel like, I think, and I do feel like the town feels like, oh, he, you know, there's snark, man.
The town feels like that.
No, it's a snark town.
The town got real snarky.
And that's why I think that's, you know, I think there's going to be a new Hollywood.
This is a perception of mine.
I think in the next 10, 12 years, you're going to have a brand new Hollywood that's going to form maybe 15, 20 years, or a separate Hollywood that's going to perform.
And I think it's going to be based out of Nashville.
And I strongly believe that.
There's a ton of artists there.
There's a lot of money there.
Tons of people moving there.
And it's a place where people, it's not as infected.
I mean, I think a lot of Hollywood, there's just so many ages, so many writers now, it's like the sons of writers and grandsons of writers.
It's just all the same people.
It's like they've never even lived anywhere outside of...
I think it is.
Well, you can't.
If you're not good, Theo, they're not going to last.
For acting and stuff, you can, though.
I think you can get away in that industry a little bit more.
I think you can, yeah.
These days, they don't even let you really do that much on screen these days.
It's like it's all like this cut to that cut.
It just seems like a lot more.
That's what I feel like No, it's like, hey, what are you talking about?
I feel like a lot of times on screen, they don't let it breathe.
Oh, for sure.
Yeah, you're saying, get to the shit.
And that's how, yes, now it's more get to the shit where you used to be able to kind of, you fell in love with the character more a little bit because you got to see a little bit of them.
Well, dude, you're talking about like Chinatown.
You're talking about, you know, Cuckoo's Nest.
That shit.
That's all Netflix.
I mean, what movies have you seen where you're like, this is an adult thriller movie?
Yeah.
When have you seen that?
There's not that many.
Dunkirk is the only good movie I've seen in about three years.
And it was good.
Well, you don't like, there's other types of movies.
You don't like any superhero movies?
Oh, I saw Ant-Man.
Have you seen that?
About that man that's an ant?
It's like about Paul Riser, and he gets Paul Rudd.
And he gets in some issues with house cleaning products or something and ends up being I don't know, he ends up getting infected as infected with antism.
Yeah.
And he's an ant.
Yeah, and an ant.
But he's powerful because you know they're 100,000 times their own strength.
Which also, who fucking knows how strong that is?
Like, they're fucking ants, dude.
They lose every battle I've ever seen.
A fucking ants lose it.
I know.
So what the fuck you're right?
I don't know.
They're always like, they're 100,000 times their own strength.
Well, who gives a fuck, dude?
I'll fuck a thousand of them up right now.
That's right.
Yeah.
That's right.
They got good PR, but they have bad.
There's no talent there.
You know, great PR.
Speaking of PR.
Yeah.
I feel like STDs have got a new publicist.
Really?
Damn, you drive down Santa Monica Boulevard, Melrose.
You see that ad for syphilis?
Oh, yeah.
And it's all these...
I don't want to see that shit.
I just came out of egg slut.
I'm already having a slutty egg.
Syphilis, they got sores.
7 a.m.
I'm got a coffee.
Egg slut.
Syphilis.
Gonorrhea.net.
You see this shit?
They're fucking blowing up.
I mean, they're vague baby.
Bro, there come their fifth lead in a fucking Marvel movie.
Dude, Gonoriphilus.
The new one is Gonoriphilis.
Oh, they hybrid this shit?
Dude.
Gonoriphilus, bro.
Bro, I mean, it burns when you piss.
Herps is getting in on the game.
Oh, Herps is the big old.
I'm waiting for crabs.
But don't, for real.
What is it?
Why are they promoting this shit?
Hard.
I don't know, man.
I think they don't want people having it.
I saw a truck, an HIV truck the other day, and it's, I guess it looked like a food truck, but it was also like curing HIV.
I'm like, dang, they're doing everything now.
A food agent.
You know?
Yeah.
It was like HIVAWY or something.com.
HIVAWAY.com.
Okay.
Like, I don't think that's going to cure it.
You know, that basic suggestion.
Yeah.
But, um, But yeah, all right, I want to give Jamie a gift from us today, and this is the Ridge wallet, brother.
Oh, dude!
So, you got that hitter now.
That's that front pocket carry.
A lot of people have been carrying their wallet in their back pocket, and those people are slowly becoming extinct.
Oh, okay, it's got a little metal around it.
Oh, that's that a couple of accoutrements you can use to tap into that sucker, bro.
Wait, is this, what's this do?
Oh, that does whatever you want it to do, dude.
Give that to your cousin.
But look at the wallet, though.
That's that real hitter.
Okay, but where's the money go?
Dude, you can ply, uh, yeah, with that, you can ply Tootsie Rolls out of your cousin's fucking grill, bro.
I can also use this as just like, you know, quick stick.
Oh, definitely.
When I'm in New Orleans, it has that money clip.
You put the cash in the side, you put your cards in there, and you carry it in the front of your pocket.
And you got that little hitter.
Okay, I got you.
So you could change somebody, the fabric of somebody's life.
You could remodel somebody's whole aortas.
I thought that was a different hitter, but okay, but I still.
Oh, you could do that?
Okay, yeah.
Well, you could chop it up.
You get a tool for everybody.
Are you guys watching or are we just listening?
No, we're watching endless.
This is like government-issue steel.
That's steel, brother.
Yeah.
That'll stop a bullet, dude.
Teutonic, right?
So you put that there, but then you got this where you can also change your glasses.
Yeah, whatever you want.
Chop up stuff, anything, vegetables, anything you want.
You could do remodel a small auto.
You could do whatever you want.
And that's special alloy metal from space, that's space metal.
Wow.
So other people that own these, Buzz Aldrin.
I'm taking it.
Yeah, Space Jam.
Anybody that was in Space Jam.
So you got one that's from Ridge Wallet, ridgewallet.com slash Theo.
Get 10% off that beautiful hitter.
And look, it took me five days to love mine, and I love mine now.
Use it every day.
I think I'm loving mine after an hour.
You're going to love it, dude.
Get rid of that rear carry and get that front pocket carry.
Thank you.
And it still smelled like food.
I'm like, I can't even, I'm giving blood in this thing or whatever.
You know what I'm saying?
It smells like fucking chicken sausage back here.
And I'm supposed to fucking be shedding pints back here or whatever.
Chicken apple.
Just seedy.
Yeah, they shouldn't let some vehicles go from one thing to another thing.
The government should have better hold on that.
Yeah.
Damn.
That's interesting.
So, but yeah, ma'am, it's getting wild out there.
And if I could go back in time, dude, I'll be straight up.
I know I have some people from my hometown that listen to this cast.
And dude, they had a couple of teachers, man.
They had one named Miss Barnes, and she was ice cold, boy.
But I try to warm her heart the long way, you know?
And then they had a couple of other teachers, I think.
One of them, Miss Bresterson, I think her name was.
Stop lying.
Stop lying.
You made that up.
You made that up.
It's like Usain Bolt.
Oh, yeah.
I know, right?
Just appropriate.
I don't know if that's an automatic or not, but Miss Bresterson was, dude, I couldn't even, I never saw her head or stomach or legs.
All you saw?
All I ever saw was her breast, bro.
And there was a nice line.
I don't remember.
It was just this big, huge chunk of warmth that would just be in front of your face, dude.
Great way to describe it.
It was just get in there.
Oh.
Nest.
Get in there.
You just want to blouse up, you know.
It was, I mean, I think she was in a blouse or a fucking tourniquet.
I don't even know what she was in, dude.
Tourniquet.
That would mean she'd be on the other truck or the food.
Oh, she would have been.
Yeah, not a tourniquet then, man.
And it just looked like one big wide tit, you know, and it just was.
Oh, she one titted it.
I don't know if she did or not, but when I would get close to her, there was so much heat coming out of it that I couldn't even barely fucking see.
And my eyes would fog up.
And I would think I had glasses on, but I didn't even have glasses on, dude.
My fucking eyes would fog up.
She lensed you?
Bro, that's how bad her titties were, man.
She had lenses without lenses.
Wow.
Your retinas would fog up.
Yeah, my retinas would fog up.
What grade?
Are we fourth or fifth?
I don't remember.
I don't even remember learning after that.
You nine?
You single or double digits?
Oh, I was single.
No, I was double digits, bro.
Okay.
Because I remember all the blood would run in my body, like my lower extremities, and I would faint, dude.
Because I had this thing when I was young, if you, that my blood would go not only to my wiener, but it would also go to the rest of my extremities, my legs, my lower body.
Yeah.
And so I had to wear these compression pants.
You ever seen those people wearing them?
I see them at the commercials.
Yeah.
I had to wear those in middle school because my blood would fill up all of my legs whenever I would get sexually aroused and I would fucking pass out.
So they could always, the worst part was people could tell when I was sexually aroused.
Because you'd be on the floor.
Oh, I'd just be like, oh, fuck, dude.
He was erecting.
It was just me and my buddies playing hoops or something.
Like, damn, bro.
Yeah, wow.
That means what do you, you got to be working with something.
You might, you got to have a door flame.
I mean, you got to have a little bit of a damage.
Yeah, I got some width, but it's real.
The height is questionable.
No, but you know, they call you tuna can.
You know what I mean?
There's a lot.
You know, it doesn't hit the back, but the sides get taken care of.
Oh, the sides, yeah.
You know what I mean?
Tear off the wall.
But so that means you're filling up.
You know what I mean?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, okay.
And I couldn't even breathe.
Yeah, I just remember my eyes would just kind of go empty and then I would go down.
But how's your cap game?
You know what I mean?
You got a good cap on there?
Oh, no-uh.
Oh.
Small penis head.
Really?
Big body.
Oh, okay.
So it's like one of those trucks that the caboose gets wider when they add extra wheels on it.
Oh, yeah.
What is that?
And those pickup trucks and they double wide.
Yeah, yeah.
Just at the back, it's got big hips.
Yeah, so you're kind of like a stealth bomb.
Yes.
Okay, I got you.
My dick's got big hips on it.
That's basically what we're doing.
Yo, this shit is going all over the place.
Dude, we are.
We're just who we are.
That's what I like that.
Yeah, man.
Ask whatever you want.
So your aim is to shoot it.
You want to shoot another special soon?
Yeah, I did my first special, and it was on Comedy Central, and then my second one was on Showtime.
And I have to say, I've never had anything, I think, air more than anything.
Showtime put it on Showtime, then Showtime 2, then Showtime 3, then Showtime 3A, then Showtime Spanish, and Showtime Redbox.
I mean, it was on like 17 Showtimes.
It must have felt good, huh?
It was awesome.
And I can't thank them enough.
And it was like for two years straight.
But I mean, my ticket sales went up like 8% or something.
Like, I felt like, wow.
And it didn't help as much.
No.
And now it's on the Spanish network and it's on a lot.
And I appreciate that.
Nuvo.
And so I don't know.
I don't know who watches what.
So now I feel like I get more hits off of podcasts and people will quote stuff I did on a podcast.
And so now I just want to do one to just do it because I have all this new stuff.
And, you know, I don't even, you know, I just want to make it and just get it on the platform.
Yeah.
And they don't even have to, they don't have to make it because, you know, I think my audience will find it.
Yeah.
You know, it's just another avenue.
You used to have one job, two jobs, you know, I don't know.
Now you do 15 jobs.
Everybody's running secrets.
Yeah.
It's pretty wild.
Do you think it's because that the networks and that the production companies don't do what they used to do?
Or do you think, because it does seem like a transition of responsibility a little bit, or is that just, or is there just so many people in the game now?
It's, it's, it's so much coming at us every second.
Like if you do, I do this podcast at two o'clock, you know, if I don't do another one at four, I'm out of the business.
Yeah.
I'm irrelevant.
I mean, it's like, it used to be like this.
Like you do things and you go to the next level.
You do stand-up comedy, you blow up in that.
Then you do TV, you blow up in that.
And then you do movies and you blow up in that.
And then you kind of stay there.
And now you do everything because everything feeds everything.
And there's so much content that you can have different avenues that are very successful.
And I just think that also there's just so much stuff that you have to just be out there.
Am I wrong?
I mean, yeah, it's weird.
You got to stay.
Yeah.
It's like you have to stay out there to advertise.
It's not so much doing it as much as just being relevant.
Like I want to say you got to be good, which you do, but I almost feel like being out there is the new talent in a way.
Does that sound interesting?
Yeah.
I mean, it definitely seems interesting.
You know, I never thought about it like that.
Think about it, though.
Yeah.
I mean.
Yeah, it's like you want to be out there.
But if you want to...
And it's like, is the town forgetting about them?
Yeah.
But it's like you see some of these guys that are doing everything.
I mean, The Rock is arguably the biggest movie star in the world.
You agree with that?
He just got $21 million, which is the topest I've ever heard of up front.
And then a million dollars to promote the movie on his social media.
That's $22 million.
That's the biggest I've ever heard.
And he has a YouTube channel that he actively works on.
That's incredible.
That he doesn't have to do that.
He knows that he's just going to hit every corner.
I mean, that is incredible.
He's going to do it all.
And he's, I would believe, is the master.
Do you, well, I mean, it's so hard for also anyone, especially I feel like more and more these days to stay, you can't really stay at the height of comedy like you used to be able to.
It doesn't seem like.
You know, and I almost think in a strange way that like Dane Cook was the last guy I feel like that because he really hit whatever people want to say about Dane, you know, and I think he's okay.
He's kind of, you know, he's never really engaged with me much.
He always just seems like he does his own thing.
But he hit like Steve Martin levels of popularity.
Oh, yeah.
And then you can't stay.
He's an icon.
Right.
He was an icon.
And you can't stay there, really.
There's no, like very few comedians have stayed at a level that's, I mean, maybe Chappelle, Chris Rock.
They're still there.
Yeah.
Like, but there's so few.
There's so few.
I mean, even, I mean, Bill Burr is like, he's not a celebrity because I think he chooses not to be.
I think he likes being, I mean, he's the best comedian, I think, to me.
I agree.
But there's only, it's hard to, it's almost an impossible level to maintain.
You know?
I think you hit, you know, I've never hit those heights.
You know, I've done well, but it's like you hit those heights.
I think it is.
It's like, yeah, man, you have, it is hard to stay there.
And I. Do you think that you have something to do with that?
Because you've had some good heights in your career.
You know, like, I mean, you've been a movie star.
Do you feel like, um, What did you say?
No, that you, but do you feel like when you're at that level, is there something tangible that you feel like, okay, I can maintain this?
Or do you still feel like things are kind of up in the air?
It's moves, man.
It's really moves.
It's like it's chess, right?
You like, you know, get a part and then you get another part and another part.
And one part feeds another part.
And it's literally like, ooh, what about this guy?
I just saw him in this.
It's even this, see him in this, right?
So it's like momentum, inertia.
And then you start moving up and then you get a leading part.
And then if that works, then you get another leading part.
Was that scary when you started to get those?
Was that scary?
No, man.
I always wanted that.
That was exciting.
Yeah.
But, and it's basically like you feel, I'll tell you this, you feel that it's, it will last forever.
Yeah.
You definitely feel like I felt like that because stuff was coming so easy to me.
And I mean, it doesn't mean I don't work hard.
It doesn't mean I did a lot of stuff.
But I mean, once I was on that grind, I'm doing every talk show.
I'm taking every studio pitch meeting.
I'm getting, you know, I'm selling every script and it was like that.
But then once, you know, something doesn't work or it's like if something doesn't work critically, but it works commercially, you're good.
Reluctantly good, I would say.
Like, all right, we got to deal with them because we can't turn down money.
It is against Hollywood's, you know, DNA to turn down money.
Right.
You know that.
And it's business.
Yes.
But if something critically doesn't work box office, but it's a critic darling, you're also good.
So if something doesn't work critically and doesn't work commercially, and then, you know, that turnover rate, because you think about it, people got to make the lights.
They got to keep the lights on.
So it's like, boom, you're not working.
It's, let's go to next.
Let's go to next.
And then if someone else, because there's always somebody right there in that dugout.
Right.
And bam, if they step in and they get a hit, boom, it's on.
And then you kind of kind of, you know, you go down the farm leagues.
Yeah.
Shit.
I mean, I've been in the Ecuador leagues.
I've been doing time in Turkey.
But, you know, I'm slowly, I'm coming back.
You know what I mean?
I'm like in double A ball right now.
You know, I'm triple A. I'm playing for the like, you know, the Tampa Bay, you know, Grizzlies, one of those leagues.
Did you get Craw Daddies?
Oh, yeah.
You know, I think Louisiana, yeah, Louisiana.
Well, what do we have?
We have New Orleans has the baby cakes.
Baby cakes.
I'm like that team.
Yeah.
And they're a good team.
They have some good fan support.
They got Wednesday night.
They got those free franks.
Free frank night.
Free frank night.
Do you like do what about like ego and stuff where you're at that level?
Do you notice your ego changes?
Like, I think ego is such this strange thing.
It's like out of our control sometimes almost.
Did you notice yourself get an ego or did you always feel like kind of the same?
Or did you, like, what was that, some of that like?
Not in a bad way.
I'm not judging you.
I think.
Whatever you want.
Go ahead.
Ask what you want and I'm going to answer it.
Was my ego like?
Yeah.
No, I'm not.
Dude, I love you, man.
I think the first thing that came to my mind when you said that was, I was right.
I was right.
Like, because you struggle, you know, and you try to come up and you're coming up and you're like, yeah, I am on the right path.
Yeah, I'm supposed to do this.
I can see that.
Yeah, this is working.
I mean, I will tell you this.
I mean, I guess yeah, my ego is large.
I've eaten so much humble pie.
I was talking to Bobby Lee about this.
And now I'm like, I want to, I don't, I mean, I still got an ego, but I really can, I've been checked.
I've been chin checked.
You know what I mean?
And it's really good for me because now I feel like, boom, I'm not, I don't want to say this, people take it the wrong way, but I like hit my bottom.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
And there's nothing you can do to grow.
I've seen so much and seen so little.
Yeah.
And so the only thing I can think of, the only what you're saying there is patience at times because you're doing so much.
You're doing a movie.
You're doing a TV show.
You're playing, you know, 3,000 people out of college.
And you're like, yo, I got to go.
I got to go.
And you're, you know, flying on a private jet.
And you're like, so it's like you're doing stuff.
Yeah, and you're seeing it around you.
And you're just like, let's go, let's go, let's go.
So sometimes you can be curt, you can be short and people get butt hurt.
And then, but I've always made sure, hey, I'm sorry, blah, blah, blah.
Yeah.
But I've always, I think I've maintained simple things, but definitely your ego.
Hollywood doesn't make you more.
It just exposes who you are.
And generally, I'm a good guy, but I definitely have, you know, crazy moments.
I'm definitely living.
And I do think, though, that you have creativity, though, I don't care.
This is what annoys me where people get, the role is difficult.
And I think there's times I've had some creative fights with people and other times it's gone swimmingly, but it's creative, man.
And this is the sandbox.
And that's what I don't like about our business now.
People ratting out what's going on and set.
Oh, this person did this.
This person did that.
There's a difference between somebody being really difficult for unnecessary reasons and people that are trying to create something great.
And when that happens, you know what I mean?
Because we're not there to make friends.
We're there to make something great.
And then if we haven't become friends after it, God bless it.
That's what I feel.
And there's people like that.
But some people get difficult.
But then there's other people that are difficult that's super successful.
They don't get difficult because they're successful.
Yeah, like Picasso or Van Gogh.
Van Gogh was difficult as fuck.
Dude cut off his own fucking ear.
Yeah.
But he also did great work.
Picasso fucked the 20-year-old had a baby when he was 91. Yeah.
I mean, see, this is a deeper conversation.
I don't want to go off the rails down the rabbit hole.
No.
But it's like people want everybody has a choice.
No, you don't.
Everybody's special.
No, you're not.
Yeah.
Okay.
People are like, people want everybody to be all clean and normal and everybody well-behaved.
No.
Kurt Cobain fucking blew his brains out when he's 24. But guess what?
You got bleach.
Yeah.
You got in utero.
Okay.
Sid Vishes fucking gave you the sex pistols.
He wasn't great at taxes.
You know what I'm saying?
Amy Winehouse, she died at 27. Yeah, but you got rehab.
You got this, like, so everybody wants everything to be perfect.
And to me, amazing artists, if they're a well-put-together person too, God bless it.
The ones I know, most of them I love, aren't.
Yeah, it's not the way it happens.
And that's who they are.
But guess what?
You get a fucking painting.
Yeah.
You get just the 10 of us.
Remember that show?
Yeah.
That was a good one.
Remember that TV show?
Who was that?
Dude had 10 daughters, bro.
But I don't just saying, yeah, you get William Wallace.
Like, sure, Mel Gibson might be, he might have some fucking racial issues, right?
Or some, you know, judicial issues, not religious issues.
Yeah, I do.
But you get fucking William Wallace.
Yeah.
But he's good on horseback.
You know what I'm saying?
Great on horseback.
It's like, I'm not justifying it, but am I?
I don't know.
You tell me.
No, look, here's what you want.
If people punch me in the face, but they're amazing at it.
Amazing comedian or a singer.
Go for it.
Like, Joan Rivers said she didn't like Rodney Dangerfield.
I read something.
But she would never miss his set.
And that's how I am, man.
Somebody can hate me, call me names, bit my eyeball.
If they're great at what they do, I'll still be there.
Yeah.
Because, you know, right?
Am I wrong?
Is that I separate that shit.
Dude, I feel like you've always been one of the nicer people that I've ever met, man.
Thank you, buddy.
For sure.
Everybody says that, I feel like.
Really?
Yeah, and you're so funny.
Thank you, buddy.
Yeah, I just love seeing you, like, you know, just from my little perspective, just dig into it.
Like, I'm like, damn, this dude's coming back at, you know, or not coming back, but he's, you know, he's fighting back.
But you're not wrong.
And I feel like a lot of people think I'm an, I don't know if they do.
Like, do people think I'm an actor doing comedy?
Because I am an actor, but I got famous as an actor.
And you were young.
But I did start as a comedian.
Yeah.
Chris Spencer did something.
He said something to me so funny a couple months ago.
He's like, yeah, man.
He's like, it happened quick for you.
He's like, I think you did eight sets, which is true.
But I was doing a lot of open mic.
And then like my club back then was, you know, I would do the store, but only like in the potluck.
Yeah.
You know, and hang out there in the back, you know, with that one trainee and all, you know, you're always trying to get on.
And, but the improv would have showcase nights and the factory was.
And I'm telling you, once I waited in line like 12 times in the factory and then Jamie started like, but my first showcase, like, I did get a commercial agent.
Wow.
So I was lucky.
And then the improv, my third like showcase, I did like get an agent.
So getting on these little showcases.
That helped.
Yeah.
So I didn't really work up.
And then once I got a fast rise, I mean, you did.
But no, I was on open mics for a long time.
Not in the clubs.
I didn't really get in.
But then once I started getting successful, then I was able to do that more.
But then I went right to colleges.
Yeah.
So I literally started with like 30 minutes in colleges and I had to work on that.
And then like guys like Saga would let me overperform and Craig Shoemaker and, you know, Rick Overton and they taught me a lot because OGs.
But I did start as a comic and then I just got successful.
But now I feel like, you know, there's like, oh, this guy's doing that.
It used to be, well, you're an actor doing comedy.
But now everybody's trying it, you know, which is, yeah, good, man.
Express yourself.
Yeah, everybody's trying.
I mean, yeah, I think the ones that stick with it are the ones that are, you know, can do it, stay in it.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
And just like anything.
I go on the road and like, thanks to Bobby Lee and saying, you gotta like just do town.
And town is hotter than it's ever been that I know of.
I think for three years, I mean, the clubs are booming.
And every star you see doing 10 minutes.
And I feel that it's good for me.
And I just makes me better on the road.
But I did realize this weekend I was doing killer shows sold out in Tacoma, which was bomb.
It's awesome up there.
It's amazing.
Did you go to Spokane as well?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
They're best run clubs, man.
They really are.
They do a great job up there.
They keep that drawer, those things, the Pac-Man machine, little now and laters, those big Tootsies.
But as much as I was having a great time there, I still was like, I got to get back to town.
Yeah.
Because I got to be in the mix.
Right?
And that's what I learned.
Dude, Harry Basil, he opened up for Rodney Dangerfield for a long time.
And he told me one time, he goes, look, man, he said the road will always be there.
He goes, get out there and make your rent where you got to, make your little money here and there.
He goes, but if you want to be in it, you got to be in it.
Yeah.
And I think there's still some truth to that.
You know, it's like you have a set.
You just don't know who's going to be in there sometimes.
I know.
You just don't know.
I mean, I walked in the comedy store one night and Jim Carrey was sitting there watching the comedians who were going up.
And that's how he cast the show Dying Up Here.
Wow.
And I performed and I was nervous as fuck, dude.
And it wasn't for them.
And that's, you know, and that was that.
And I felt dejected.
I felt.
Wait, did you know he was there?
Yeah.
So it was a special night?
Yeah.
I pull up and the parking lot guy's like, Jim's here.
Was it packed?
I'm like, Jim, who?
And he's like, Jim Carrey.
And I'm like, well, fucking say Jim Carrey.
Yeah, I know.
Are you tight with Jim?
We've never seen him here before.
I hate that when people do that.
It's like, somebody did that to me in the day.
Well, she's like, you know, Rhonda.
And I'm like, who's Rhonda?
It's like my niece.
I'm like, I don't know fucking Rhonda.
Fucking give a, yeah, okay.
Somebody's like, Jesus.
And I'm like, Jesus Christ?
Like, yeah.
No, the valet.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So wait.
So, but yeah, it's like you never, you just, you don't know.
So you want to be in town.
That's, I mean, I get nervous all the time when I have to leave town.
I'm like, fuck, what if I miss that set?
That's, you know, I guess maybe you do think somebody could still see you on stage and things could change for you.
Dude, fucking, for me, shit.
I mean, Quentin Tarantino's at the store.
Yeah.
I mean, he's one of the greatest movies about to make, you know, so I agree with you, but it's, and it's also becoming so much like, you know, improv going up late, you know, you get to work, you know, you get to do more than, you know, you're 15, maybe do 30. Yeah.
The lab or, you know, the OR.
Yeah.
It's just, it feels like comedy where it is, where it's like, I love going up 1231.
Yeah.
You know, and just working it, jazzing it.
Yeah, you can have a little more free time.
Man, well, I love seeing you at the clubs, man.
And I appreciate you're always, you're always supportive and say nice things, man.
And I just really appreciate that.
Well, I appreciate you, man.
Yeah.
I think people appreciate that about you, man.
Well, it's a beautiful time.
And I just want to do, you know, I want to respect the art.
And just, it's awesome.
I mean, for people out there watching and listening, it's like, I don't know, I probably equate it to Seattle 92. Yeah.
I mean, I thought you're going to say Seattle, bro.
See Alice.
He started off on that word, dude.
Early Seattle was very fucking.
Yeah.
God, I'm glad they remixed it.
Yeah, right?
It was too strong.
It was strong, yeah.
Is that where you were?
Seattle 92?
No, I'm saying all the grunge bands.
For the grunge, man.
You walk here, Austin James was here, Nirvana was here, Eddie Vett is over there.
Shit, even Silverchair, I think, did a bit.
I know they're Australian, you know.
Yeah, but they stopped by.
Yeah, right?
They had that song, Anna.
Who else?
Alien Ant Farm?
Alien Ant Farm.
But you go to local coffee shop.
Paul Riser.
Paul Riser was there.
So I just lucky to, you know, I do.
That's one thing where I get grateful just to go on these stages.
You seem grateful.
Super grateful.
But was there a period where you weren't?
Was there a period where you got in the dumps or anything?
No, I was just like, fuck yeah, of course I'm going to be on this stage.
You're lucky to have me.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Because it's like if you're in a movie or in a TV show, it's like, yeah, I'll come down.
And it's like, whoa.
And then, you know, somebody kick you in the dick.
And then you're doing, you know, a half an hour in a bowling alley in Toledo, which I've done.
Yeah.
You know, and people get pissed off and fucking throw a chair or somebody in the audience.
And you're like, whoa, wait a minute.
I got to readjust.
I'm not exactly where I thought I was.
So then you see, you know, you go back and you're like, oh, I'm so happy to be where I am.
Yeah, because in here.
Yeah.
I'm not, it's, it's, everything has time, you know, where clubs are hot and they're cold and artists are hot and cold.
I mean, because all, you know, clubs get hot and cold.
Oh, yeah.
And now it's just everything is gelling and it's the podcast is so hot.
Netflix is so hot.
Streaming is so hot.
More comedians are great.
And it's just possible.
Yeah.
I'm just lucky to be in the stream.
Yeah, man.
And that's what it is now.
And there's a great, fuck, I don't want to go too down the rabbit hole, but I mean, there's a great talk.
You know what the sharing economy is, right?
So the sharing economy is where we were, it's basically what's going on right now.
It's Uber, it's, you know, Airbnb.
Okay.
It's like owning is out.
Yeah.
No, millennials are going to disrupt credit cards.
They're disrupting Captain Crunch.
You know, you read all the stuff that millennials, they're disrupting.
Yeah, he's a first mate now, I heard.
Yeah, he is string cheese.
They're not eating string cheese, and they're fucking it up, right?
Because they don't want to have any debt.
They want to be cash, boom, postmates, blah, blah, blah.
Venmo.
So you share.
So there's this video.
Damn, I wish I could find it.
I'll tell it to you.
But it talks about two generations.
And the old generation was like, who's get what you could, right?
And kind of like, I don't want to say step on your fellow man, but yo.
Get yours.
Limited resources.
Get this hat.
Get four hats.
Yeah.
Get nine hats.
You got one head.
You need nine hats.
Yeah.
And it's out of that recession era, right?
And then my generation is like, gets that, but it's also half.
I got my first computer like 23 and I'm 47. So it's like half my life.
So now half of me is like understands the tech.
And so I'm like, get that, but also like, ooh, share.
The old generation, the new generation is all like, yo, a little bit here, a little bit there.
So if you notice, it's I've the sense of community to me is bigger than it's ever been in terms of things I see.
I see more artists collaborating in music, right?
I see comedian.
Teamwork.
Yes.
And look at the Avengers.
Everyone in those people are movie stars in their own right, but the 12 people are starring in a movie together.
And that model of Marvel is a model for, I think, art in Hollywood.
Yeah, it's like, look, let's put our minds together instead of just ride one.
Yeah, and it's beautiful.
And I'm in the middle now, but I'm really going to this generation of like, yo, man, jump on.
Yeah.
It's not, you know, the Jamie Kennedy train.
Right.
It's, you know, be a Polar Express.
Yeah.
And we're all fucking chili bears.
Hang on.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
You will go to this cart.
Yeah Shit Yo, you got to cut out that one part.
Dude, we're not cutting out anything.
I thought this was a fun conversation.
Did you?
I'm not sure which part he was talking about, but I thought it's all fair game.
Yeah.
I thought everything was chill.
What did you suppose?
What time were we at, Nick?
We were at 3.30 exactly.
Oh, damn.
Take some Instagram questions?
Yeah.
Yeah, let's take a couple Instagram questions, man.
So you mentioned earlier Eddie Murphy was one of your heroes.
Someone asked about working in Bofinger with him and Steve Martin.
What was that like?
Who was funniest out of the two of them?
Oh, come on.
Who the fuck?
Well, how about this?
Who was funniest on set?
That's a total different thing.
That's from Ad.
Infinitely interesting.
Okay, Ed.
So, first of all, you're talking about Icon and Icon.
I mean, he's talking about, you know, the heights.
I mean, this is Steve Martin is the first arena comedian.
Eddie was the second.
Dice was the third.
And Dane was like the fifth.
Yeah.
You know, so it's incredible.
Here's what's great about it.
They're both do what they do in front of the camera amazingly well and hilarious.
And off-camera, chill.
And that's, I totally get it.
I got it then, but I really get it now.
Who had more, do you think they had more, like, who you think got more hot chicks, you think, out of those two?
I think, I mean, Steve Morris said this great quote to me once, and, you know, he said that at the height of his fame, he was a rock star without the girls.
Because I think he was so big, what he meant by that, and so many people were throwing themselves at him and women, and he just would go to his hotel room because it was mania.
I couldn't even get an erection of if that, if you know somebody's banging on the door while you're trying to, I could, you know what I'm saying?
That would be the worst, my worst nightmare.
I think that people chasing me to fuck.
Yeah, I think that both did well, but I think that I didn't really ask Eddie, but I didn't really ask Steve either, but he told me that.
I just remember that was amazing.
He was so huge that he had to be isolated.
Yeah.
Which is incredible.
Which is what I'm talking about, how it's changed.
Yes.
He couldn't walk down sunset.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
Because less avenues, one thing gets it.
It's like we're all going for oil.
You strike.
But now.
Now you got to have dinosaur bones.
You got to have time.
You got to have soil.
Yeah.
You got to have piping.
And then you get oil.
Solar, but wait.
Yeah.
You got to have all of that.
But you hit one, it's a big spout.
But now I feel like people are hitting.
And there's some good size spouts, but there's littler spouts.
Do you agree with that?
He's xylophoning.
Pipeline is fucking.
It's dispersed.
Yeah, dispersed.
Paul Reiser.
Yeah, dispersed by Paul Reiser.
It sounds like a point right, doesn't it?
Wasn't he in My Two Dads?
My Two Dads, yeah.
And that was good, dude.
That was the 80s.
One of the greatest, and also one of the only, that would be like a Me Too warning video now.
Two men living with a girl, and one of them is allegedly related to her or something.
Yeah.
She always had the young boyfriends over.
Yeah.
That was a tricky deal.
Let's take another one, Nick.
What do we got?
All right.
At J Hustle37, he wants to know some basketball takes and you, who's the GOAT, Kobe, MJ, or LeBron?
Again, that's a fun thing.
Yeah, dude, didn't you play in like a celebrity all-star guy?
Hell yeah, no.
Because I remember watching that on television.
Nah.
Yeah.
I was not bad from the three.
I had a couple of garbage points.
Who was the MVP that game?
Do you remember?
I was before Hart.
Hart was getting a lot.
He was racking.
He racked up like four.
Yeah, but people were holding him up by the hoop.
Wasn't Shaq holding him up?
Yeah, he got help.
And then I think Beaver got one.
I think this was around 07. I want maybe Mark Blucas.
Mark Blucas, look him up.
He's a legit baller.
He's an actor, but he's on Wake Forest.
Who's the better?
I mean, what is the coach?
Dude, that's the hardest question in the world.
But to me, there's only one.
Jordan.
Yeah.
100%.
And here's why.
I hope, you know, I don't want to piss people off, but whatever.
Piss them off.
If they don't agree with it, it's mean that they get pissed and fucking pulled their truck over.
Don't pull your truck over.
Yeah.
But last night, LeBron, they got beat.
He did everything in his power.
Here's why I think LeBron is just a little off, and he's an amazing superhuman.
Yeah, he's good.
He lost last night.
His team lost, and he goes, it's not going to affect my life.
You know, I'm going to go home.
We're going to figure out the next game.
It's not going to affect my life.
No.
That's what I don't want to see.
I want to see, god damn it.
Yeah.
These fucking, I dropped 40 fucking two points.
These guys, I fucking, I'm on the weak side.
I'm on the left side.
These guys are good, man.
I'm so fucking pissed.
Yeah.
I got to go in there and I got to just jam on motherfuckers.
That's what I want to see.
I wish he did that.
Yeah.
And that's not the whole he is.
But that's, but MJ, that's the one thing for me.
He will eat your aorta, bro.
Yeah.
I heard that motherfucker didn't like to lose in penny tossing.
Like he didn't, you know, you know, Twizzler, he didn't quick.
I mean, he would bet.
This is, I heard you at a house.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He will eat your soul.
And that's why he is the best ever because he refuses to lose.
That to me is the most exciting.
Yeah.
I agree.
I think his mindset was just different.
I think it was a different time.
I think LeBron is just one of those guys.
He'd be great at any sport.
He's just amazing.
Yeah.
He'd be great at the violin if he did it.
He's just one of those people that could be good at almost anything.
He chose basketball.
Yeah, he's a savant.
But Jordan, I think, I think it was basketball only.
I mean, he was shitty at baseball.
You know, he played for the White Sox.
People try to act like he wasn't any good.
Yeah.
He was fucking bad, actually.
He had a couple.
Didn't he have a homemade?
Yeah, maybe, bro.
He owned the team for three years.
He got every ad bat.
One game to let him pitch to himself.
Bro, if he sees this, he ain't gonna like that.
Well, let him watch it then.
If he's watching, we're doing good.
Jamie Kennedy, where can people see you at coming up?
This weekend right now, whatever the date it is, I'm at Rochester at the Carlson.
You are?
Yeah.
I can look on it.
You want to look on his site and just rattle off his dates, Nick, so we'll have them.
And then next weekend, I'm at the rec room in Huntington Beach.
Ooh.
And then in the early June, I'm in Ontario, Improv.
Nice.
You want to get those?
We'll put those dates too.
We'll put them on the screen.
Yeah.
Right below in the link, and we'll put the dates up on the screen, too.
Dude, I appreciate it.
So that people will know them.
If you haven't seen Jamie in a Wild Man, go check him out.
Or if you have seen him in a while, go check him out again.
Dude, your IMDB is so long.
It's crazy, bro.
You could almost put two words together and you were fucking in it, bro.
Slacker cats.
You know what I'm saying?
Fucking must.
Yeah, it's daytime jugglers.
Like, you were in every fucking.
King of the Millionaires 2. This is fucking crazy, man.
You've been in.
Bentley Bottom.
What?
You were in.
Gang, gang.
Gang, gang number nine.
Yo, man.
You were in Sugar Walkers.
I'm like, what the fuck?
Yo, Slacker Cat should have worked.
It should have worked, man.
Well, so many cats are lazy.
We were seven and out.
Oh, man.
I think I watched one.
Nice one.
I watched one, bro, the first one.
Were you eating Tootsie, bro?
Look.
That was around Tootsie time.
Me and Mikey Rutch, boy.
Yo, Ruts.
Oh, fucking slick jaw rutch.
Dude, I'd love to see him and your little priest go toe-to-toe in a fucking.
Oh, mouth stuffing?
Dude, how is mouth stuffing online not a thing?
Let's make it.
Yeah.
Yo, millennials.
Not even millennials now?
No, just people that are home a lot.
There's the new generation.
I think I'm X. Then there's Y. I think I might be X. No, I think you're Y. I'm Y then.
And then there's Millennials.
Millennials.
And now the new one, whatever that is, under Millennials.
You know, they're eating ramen out of toilets.
Are they really?
Yeah, 100%.
And the challenge with the Tai Pod and all that stuff, it's like the challenge is, can you do?
But they're eating ramen, cooking it, and eating out of toilet.
That hot batch, boy.
Yeah.
Get what you want.
I remember that a couple of brothers in my neighborhood always cooking dove outside of our apartment complex, right?
And so I'd go out there, dove meat.
And so I'd go out there and for years he'd just be like, you want some dove?
And I said, no, yeah.
And then finally I had some.
And that shit was soft?
It was, it was.
Let me think.
Let me close my eyes and think about what it tasted like.
It was overcooked.
Oh.
They bread it?
No, they didn't bread it.
It was straight dove.
Black and dove?
Yeah, it's black and dove, boy.
Double blackened because these are a couple brothers serving it, dude.
But it was, I think it was kind of Jamaican, I think, honestly.
You know, it was Jamaican like jerk dove.
It was jerk dove.
I want to believe that.
Oh, dude, you better believe it.
You're straight in New Orleans?
I'm Covington, Louisiana, man.
No, but people eat.
Fourth Ward.
Oh, New Orleans, they'll eat whatever, bro.
You know what I'm saying?
New Orleans is a great place.
I eat what?
And I'm going to make a chart, too.
Crime and food, how they merge.
Better crime, better food.
Baltimore, fucking crabs and cutthroats, son.
You know what I'm saying?
New Orleans, oysters and fucking body slugs.
Catch a dozen of the fucking tongue and fucking two to the chest, baby.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah.
That's true.
Better food, better, better food comes with murder.
Yeah.
Because they cook like it might be your last meal.
And no offense to the cops, because they've been good to me down there, but they only move on, you know, if they figured out what's in it for them.
Oh, yeah, they got some shaky cops down there.
4 a.m.
Some of those cops are like, what's in it for me?
I've seen some yelling.
That cop is like, that beignet, you know, that spot.
You know, they've got to pay in cash.
What's it called?
Cafe Dumont.
Dumont, they got it.
That one bite in.
That's a thing to run, right?
Oh, a lot of cops will hide a gun in a couple of beignets.
Just be eating.
For everybody that doesn't know, I'm going down there in a month.
Are you?
Yeah, I think I'm shooting something.
I can't say yet.
Naise.
And the thing is, you pay cash.
Yeah.
The waiters.
So when you go to Dumont's open all night, like, what you want, man?
Yeah, you pay cash, dude.
Cash to the waiters?
Yeah.
Because the waiters got to pay cash to the owners.
There's two owners.
So people don't know, all right?
There's two guys that own this joint, and they're scared of each other fucking each other over.
So they each have their own cash register.
So they fucking hit each waiter.
Go, go, go, get them, right?
They take cash and they go, that guy ordered donut.
You owe me three fucking bucks.
The waiters got to pay.
So if the waiters don't collect, they fucked.
That's America, dude.
That's fucking Binier Nawas.
Bigne for Shinye.
Yeah.
Jamie, thanks so much, man.
You got to come back.
You got to start your own cast, man.
I think people would love listening to you.
I would love to, man.
I'd listen.
I would love it.
You're welcome to use this too if you need to every now and then, you know?
Okay, cool.
If you need to take them, you know, to get that kickoff.
But I think you have, I mean, if, you know, just saying.
I'd like to.
I got to see.
People should hit me up.
And if they like me, I'll do it.
I think people would, huh?
It'd be interesting.
Do a 12-episode one and see how you feel about it.
Yeah.
But I want to like, you know, I want to talk different than what I am, though.
I'm just sitting on your front porch wondering, how could I be so far from my home?
And my mind is somewhere else.
But when I find it, I'll patch up where it's been blown.
Now I'm just floating on the breeze.
And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones.
But it's gonna take a little time.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
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So great.
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Easy to do.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John Maine.
I'll take a quarter bottle of cheese out of the quarry.
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