Fear. New Age Rocky Anthem. I dont always know what im talking about. But im just trying to talk. Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 https://www.greyblockpizza.com Tickets: https://www.theovon.com/tour https://www.patreon.com/theovon Intro Music: Stevie Starlight https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbfQri3Nv3M Ladies and Guntlemen! Thanks Gunt Renee Nicol Matthew Snow Ryan Wolfe Angelo Raygun Carla Huffman John Kutch Tyler Zub Adriana Hern Jeffrey Lusero Alex Hitchins Joe Dunn Kennedy Joey Piemonte Robyn Tatu Beau Adams Yoga Max Bowden Shawn-Leigh henry Roar Hanasand Laura Williams Not Even Wrong Xela Person Deanna Smith Mona McCune Suzanne O'Reilly Rashelle Raymond Chad Saltzman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Arielle Nicole Greg H Dave Engelman Dylan Clune Calvin Doyle Robert Doucette Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Qie Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Ned Arick J Garcia Lauren Cribb Ty Oliver Tom in Rural NC Christian from Bakersfield Brian Martinez Matthew Holland Charley Dunham Casey RobertsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Somebody's wearing a dirty scarf around their neck.
Who is it?
It's you.
It's never too late to come over.
Time slips away from you and me now.
Wow.
It's never too late to come over right there.
And that is Stevie Starlight.
And some people think like, well, who's Stevie Starlight?
You know, it sounds like somebody, you know, that, you know, roller skates around and just, you know, puts dirty peppermints into the mouths of adolescents or, you know, middle-aged children.
You know, who's Stevie Starlight?
And the answer is, I don't fucking know who it is because that's the way the world works now.
Somebody sends me an email.
They said, hey, I'm Stevie Starlight.
And this is my life's work.
This is the magnum opus of my existence.
This is this dirty, naughty hit.
And that's Stevie Starlight right there.
And that is called, Come Over.
Come Over.
And that's the kind of song you hear if you're like, you know, if you broke into somebody's house and you're trying on their clothes, you know, that's what I feel like, you know.
It's never too late to come over.
That's that Stevie Starlight.
And Stevie Starlight sounds like the kind of dude you would never let babysit a kid.
Obviously, yeah, he might, you know, have an ad on the internet to be a babysitter, might also have ulterior motives.
And that's just my, that's just my, you know, I'm just basing this solely on the name Stevie Starlight.
Or he could be the fucking awesomest airplane pilot you ever get on a plane with.
Imagine you get on an airplane, you get on, the guy has a fucking no shirt on, the pilot.
Zero shirts.
You think he has a shirt on?
Well, apparently you're not getting a good look at him because he does not.
He's got on chest hair.
He's got on a southwest.
It says southwest tattooed across his chest.
Pierced nipples, both of them pierced.
And each piercing has like a half of a heart hanging off of it.
One half says B-E-F-R-I.
The other half hanging off the other nipple says S-T-E-N-D-S.
He has a best friend's heart hanging half and half off each, you know, slippery little, you know, little nerve-ending little dirty little brown baby titty nipple.
And that's Stevie Starlight.
Imagine you get on that airplane and there he is.
You're like, where are we going, Captain?
And he just cranks it up.
And he just cranks it up.
And you know you're going.
You're going to fucking heaven.
That's where you're going, dude.
That's the only place this jet goes.
Newark to heaven.
Newark to heaven.
But you know what this is, guys?
This is that comeback music.
This will make you stomp your foot, dude.
This will make you fucking just put both your fingers into a baby's mouth and just take that little, whatever you gave them, some cream peaches or whatever you just fed them.
it'll make you take it right back out of their mouth and just eat it right in front of them.
You can see right now you can feel somebody just...
Yeah, baby, that's what happens in this universe.
Welcome to the world.
Because sometimes people will take the food right out of your mouth.
And I'm just fired up today because I'm back, man.
That's what I felt like.
When I saw this hit from Stevie Starlight, this come over, that's what I just...
It's like that rocky music, but for like a guy who sometimes questions his sexuality.
And that's what I felt.
I mean, it's just like, man, that's that Stevie Starlight.
And I want to thank you guys for being here with me.
Welcome to this past Thursday.
And this is that comeback.
You know, last on Monday, I just felt rattled, man.
I just didn't feel, I didn't feel good.
You know, I just felt, you know, I was thinking about how I felt.
And I guess I just felt a lot of fear, man.
I just felt, I felt like the episode or just, I just, I don't know.
I just didn't feel good.
You know, I didn't feel that good.
And I just didn't, I just felt disconnected.
You know, I just felt disconnected.
And I've been doing everything that I kind of need to do to stay connected.
Because for me, I have to follow, I have to try to follow a, you know, organized set of, you know, things each day to try and stay connected.
And I've been doing that, and I just, and I was feeling not connected.
And that was, you know, it was just getting a little bit scary to me.
But I want to thank some of you guys that reached out and just said, hey, man, you know, keep your head up.
Everything's okay.
You know, and sometimes we just have to hear that.
Sometimes we have to hear somebody say that to us.
And so I appreciate it.
That was some of you guys that did that.
And I just was just afraid.
I was thinking about it.
I guess I was just afraid.
You know, I had some fear that we've been getting more listeners to the show.
And we have some exciting plans coming up for this year and for the coming months.
We're going to do a state-of-the-podcast address on Monday's upcoming episode where we're just going to kind of, you know, we have some things that are going to happen that we want to start to unravel out into the universe.
And I guess I was just feeling like a lot of pressure.
You know, and I was just, I just kind of lost my, you ever seen a baby deer?
Sometimes if a baby deer gets born, they come out of their mom.
First of all, a baby deer walks out backwards into the world.
Do you know that?
Some animals come out frontwards, humans, you know?
Figures, dude.
Idiot humans coming out frontwards.
What an idiot.
Because somebody can attack your head immediately.
Say you're being born and there's a damn war going on or there's a fire and you stick your head out first.
What an idiot.
You're an idiot.
And when I say you, I mean all of us because that's how we do it.
And that should show us right there that humans, we're not, it's, you know, it's not, we're not really pro, we're not, we're kind of just dumb a little.
We go headfirst into the world.
I mean, it's brave, you know, it's adventurous.
It's, it's that pioneer spirit.
But to imagine, think about this.
It's a place you've never been because you've never been anywhere.
Because you're brand new into the universe as far as we know.
And you're going to stick your head out there first?
What a damn Muppet.
What a greased up, damn snicker-sniffing muppet.
It's crazy.
And that's why breach birthers, I trust a breach birther more often.
And I wish that if we should all have to wear a little name tag that says if we were breach or head first.
Because while head first, it's brave and everything, also, way idiot.
Yeah, never been to the universe before.
I'm just going to stick my head out first.
Well, that's nuts.
So breach birthers, at least they're like, I'm going to put a toe into the universe and see how it feels.
Maybe I'll put two feet into the universe.
Way more.
And if a breach birth, if it's a fire, if it's a war, or if somebody lops their legs off, you still got the rest of your body.
You can still get born and go live out in the world in a wheelchair or on a skateboard.
If you don't have any legs, sometimes when people don't have legs, you know, you can see them on the internet.
It's a lot of some men and some men in India, even they duct tape them to a skateboard and that's their body is the skateboard, you know.
They still have their chest and their genitalian hips.
But anyhow, you know, that's that's kind of, I was just fearful.
You know, I was just fearful.
I was just scared, you know, I think just some fear that there was a lot going on and that, you know, and I was, that I was just going to mess up.
You know, that I just lost my confidence.
I lost my footing for a second.
And going back to what I was talking about, and going back to what I was talking about, a baby deer, they come in, they back into the universe.
Sometimes I'll stay up at night watching animals be born on the internet.
You know, and I was to watching funerals for a while, but my therapist said I should quit watching funerals because it's depressing.
And I'll say this, dude, honestly, a lot of the funerals on the internet, extremely long.
Like most of them are Middle Eastern.
I'm talking, you can watch it.
There's funerals on the internet that are six hours long and not very bizarre, exciting, but also bizarre.
But you can watch babies be born, but baby deers, they back into the universe.
But when they get here, their legs are so shaky.
You know, their legs are just like, just long, they're almost just like marshmallow with hoofs on the end.
Imagine trying to stand up on marshmallow.
I mean, it's tough.
It's almost, you know, it's, and sometimes if you do a lot of drugs or something, you, you can have that similar experience.
But that's how baby deers are and their legs shake.
And that's how I felt.
I just felt shaky.
I felt like my legs and my neck and everything was just marshmallow.
And I just got, I just, you know, I just felt like I didn't want to, I don't know.
I just wanted, I don't know.
I just didn't feel okay.
And sometimes you're going to have days like that.
And so that's just kind of what was going on.
And I'm not apologizing.
I'm not complaining.
I'm not, I just was trying to, you know, the past few days, I was just trying to think about what was going on.
You know, and sometimes fucking, you know, the universe is going to be, you know, it's going to be this, it's going to be this cool little crystal ball that I'm going to play with and look at.
And sometimes the universe is going to be a damn cannonball that's going to rip right by and just rip my sister's tits off, you know?
Or it's going to just come steaming fast right through my stepdaddy's legs and just blast his nuts into the next nutosphere.
Sometimes That kind of stuff's going to happen.
And that's what was going on.
So I just had some fear, man.
You know, I had some fear of just failure, I guess.
I had some fear of, you know, I don't know, just everything.
I had some fear.
So that's what was going on with me.
And today, and today I'm feeling better.
You know, I've done some things.
I've went for a run.
I'm just staying confident.
I'm coming back, man.
I'm Stevie fucking Starlight, dude.
I'm not Billy Black Hole.
I'm not Billy Black Hole, dude.
Or I'm just falling into my own gravity and I'm just going to go hide in my shirt like a punk satani Phil that's lazy and don't want to get out there and do his work and see what his fucking shadow's gonna do.
I'm not gonna be like that.
I'm gonna be like Stevie Starlight.
And I'm going to fucking, when my mom's at work, I'm going to go in her room.
And I'm going to get her nightgown out of the fucking closet.
And I'm going to get in front of the mirror.
And I'm going to...
I'm going to get in front of the mirror.
I'm gonna be human.
That's what I'm gonna do.
Thank you guys for joining me, man.
It's Thursday.
What's going on?
What's going on in the universe?
I'm here.
You know that.
You're here.
I appreciate you guys for joining me.
And I want to thank everybody for listening.
I want to thank everybody on YouTube for subscribing.
We're up to 25,000 subscribers.
When we get to 30,000, I'm going to put out some new comedy content for you guys.
We have the studio is, we got some updates coming up.
And I'll announce all that stuff next week, some cool stuff.
But thank you guys for being here.
What's been going on with me, man?
What's been going on in the world?
They had the State of the Union address.
Yeah, I think what gets me in watching this and watching the State of the Union address and just about a lot of the politics these days is that it seems like I don't think Trump is a neat guy.
I don't think he's a great leader.
I don't think he embodies, I don't think he gets people.
I think he is a shy businessman.
But with all those things said, I don't want America to fail just it seems like there's a lot of people out there that want Trump to fail and want America to suffer so that they can prove their point or so that they can be right.
And that to me, that's where I don't understand what's going on.
That doesn't seem right to me.
Like, I hope that he succeeds.
I hope that there's success for everyone.
I hope that there's, you know, I hope that they are able to figure things out and they get it right and that things change.
You know, and I'm not even a politico.
I'm not even a fan of politics.
But if I don't think that, if I'm not hopeful, then who am I?
Like, then what am I doing here?
Then how do I even call myself an American if I'm not hopeful for better things in our country?
You know, because it's like even if good news comes out, if something positive happens, nobody, it's like there's so much, it's still negative stuff on the news.
You know, it's still like, there's always like a negative connotation with it.
Like, why can't we just be excited about something?
You know, like black unemployment, they said, and there's caveats to this, I guess, but that black unemployment was at an all-time low.
And you know what?
I don't know.
I don't even, I didn't look into the stats of that.
You know, I didn't look into it.
But I'll say this, in my life, I've never even seen that on a ticker.
I've never even heard that in the zeitgeist of what's going on.
I've never even heard that uttered in the world.
And so to have that be something that's said, that's amazing.
I mean, when I was growing up, the only black people that had money were the Dallas Cowboys and people on that movie Coming to America.
Those are the only wealthy black people that you would see.
And I don't mean that as a shun or anything like that.
I'm talking, that is the facts.
And those are the facts from my eyes.
So those are just my facts.
You know, when I was growing up, you didn't, I didn't, there wasn't a rich black man in my town.
You know, I remember my mother for a while dated a man who was black and Jewish.
And he was, and I guess one of his parents might have been white.
Or one of his parents, I guess, was Jewish and white.
And then one of his parents was black.
And he was the only, he was the closest thing I'd seen to a wealthy black man.
And he was from New Orleans.
But I didn't, you know, there just, it wasn't something that was going on.
But now, dude, you go to Atlanta 25 years ago when you go to Atlanta now?
Dude, you go walk through the Lenox Mall in Atlanta and you're white.
You will, well, anyway, I felt like the poorest person in town.
There's a lot of black wealth.
You know, there's a lot of black opportunity.
And I'm not saying like I've had nothing to do with this, but I'm not saying that this isn't something that I've seen in my lifetime.
And so this isn't, you know, it's something that is exciting.
You know, it's something that is cool to see.
It's something where you can see that change can happen.
You know, so if you, so if I hear a stat like that, or if I hear something that's positive, you know, I'm still going to be hopeful for America.
Whereas I feel like there's people out there that even if, say if, you know, the current political regime solved all the, say if they cured cancer, that there's people out there that would be like, nah.
Like, like, you know, like they're just, and at that point it makes me wonder, if I'm thinking that way, is it more about me?
Like, what's wrong with me if I'm stuck on that?
That, oh, it's, yeah, I don't, because then it's not like, it's not like I really am interested in the world being a certain way.
It's in, I'm interested in the world becoming a certain way the way that I want it to become that way.
Or, or something like, you know what I'm saying?
I don't know.
It's just, I just don't understand.
You know, there's so many people that just don't even seem hopeful.
You know, they're like, love, you know, love, love, love, love.
But then, you know, everything on television is just, there's just so much hate.
It's like, how are you going to get to love if all you're doing is hating all the time?
You know, it's the same thing that I, you know, that makes you, like, I don't, like, people that hate so much and so many, you know, there's, you know, you see, read so many articles and so much anti-USA, anti-American, anti-Trump sentiment.
And I get it.
Like, Trump is not easily likable at all.
But if you're sitting there hating him and then also hating and not wanting any success for the next few years that he's in office or whatever, then what does that mean about you?
Or what does that mean, if that's me, what does that mean about me?
Like, is it more about what I want or is it more about what's, you know, that people, that things could actually get better?
You know, and how do I get to, and, and if all I do is hate something, where's my love?
You know, I mean, there was, dude, growing up, there was so many, like it was, you know, it was tough.
I remember there was, you know, it was tough growing up in a community where there was so much poverty in the black community where they had just generations of lack of education, generations of lack of desire, generations of lack of opportunity.
And then it got to the point where, you know, the kids that some of the, some of the kids that I would grow up with, they just had nothing.
They didn't have anything inside of them.
You know, and I'm not saying this to make fun of them or to point fingers at them.
I'm saying this because like there would be instances where, you know, I would get jumped by black kids or I would get, you know, threatened or I had a girlfriend that used to get, you know, molested, if you will, by, you know, a tougher black guy on the school bus.
And at the time, like, you know, I didn't understand a lot of that stuff.
I didn't understand a lot of, you know, where some of these kids were in the history of time and in their lives.
You know, but I, but I would, but I had to, but I could still, even though I was angry, you know, over time, I understood, I could understand what was going on.
You know, I could understand that, sure, even though, you know, some of this behavior is out there and some of it, of course, is whoever's fault it is, the actual person doing the behavior, it's their fault.
There's also an element over time that is built into their world or a lack of elements that are built into some of these kids' lives that makes them be able to function and be comfortable in the society, in society.
And therefore, you know, that's why sometimes they would act out and behave the way they did.
And I had to understand that.
And I would still have to, and I was still hopeful for these kids and for these communities.
You know, because even though maybe some of my life wasn't as bad, we were still right there, you know, in the same neighborhoods and the same school bus and the same circle.
And even though I hated, I mean, I hated some of their behavior.
I hated being threatened.
And, you know, I hated, I hated sometimes how mean some of these kids were.
You know, and there were white kids that were too.
I'm not saying that it was just one way, but some of these kids, you know, there were some black kids that were so just angry, you know, and so mean.
But I was still hopeful, even if I didn't like them.
I still tried to be, you know, I think understanding where I could and hopeful that things would get better.
And I'm not comparing that to what's going on now.
I'm just trying to find a correlation in my life where even if I don't like something, For me to then not want that, you know, or like a person or a group, for me to not want them to succeed just to prove my point or to prove or to justify my angst or my anger, that that is something is wrong with me then.
That that is because that's that's selfish.
You know, that's selfish.
And it doesn't take away maybe some of the, you know, the anger that I have towards some of the kids that were, you know, violent towards me when I was young or that beat me up or that made me feel less than or threatened me or, you know, did some things that were vile that I had to be around.
But it does, you know, but those are instances that I would then take up with, you know, with those with those, I guess with those specific people.
You know.
But it's, I don't know, man.
I just, my brain's just getting a little bit lost.
But sometimes, yeah, I just don't like some of the energy that's out there where it's not about getting better as a group.
And there's not even a look towards that horizon.
There's just a, I want to see some failure so that I can be right.
Because we just, it's not for the betterment of everyone then.
We're not going to, you can't, we can't get better like that as a group, I don't think.
You know, and I could be wrong and I'm not trying to offend anybody.
I'm just trying to think and be alive at the same time and trying to feel and talk at the same time, which most of my life has been really tough for me to do.
Just because sometimes I, over the years, I just don't even know how I was feeling.
You know, and I think I was also just been afraid sometimes to talk.
You know, I always did humor or told jokes and stuff like that and that sort of behavior because it was the only language that I really, I don't know.
It's the only language really that I knew.
You know, and sometimes I get scared, I think, and that's where I think a lot of my fear came in on the last episode.
And it probably will again, where I just get scared.
I just get scared, you know, being brave enough to say what is okay for me and what my life is and what's going on with me and being brave enough to tell my story.
You know, and nothing, honestly, dude, nothing has made me feel like I moved out here to Los Angeles to be more free.
You know, I mean, I love Louisiana.
I love my home state.
I love, I love, you know, that small town vibe.
I love a sense of community.
That a sense of community saved me from who knows what.
Saved me from a lot of stuff.
There's a lot of people that lended their heart and their, you know, their concern and their home even to make me feel okay.
But I get out here to Los Angeles and I sometimes I can't even tell, I feel like my story doesn't even exist.
You know, because suddenly there's this, there's just this, you know, ghost in the air.
There's this thing where people want to, they don't want to look at the big picture.
They want to be right.
And some guy out here who, you know, who, you know, some, you know, white kid who is, you know, is trying not to be racist and trying not to be a fucking, you know, you know, trying not to be a pervert for sure.
I'm always trying that.
I mean, everybody knows I'm trying not to jerk off locally or even when I'm out of town.
But, you know, it's like just because I don't sound and look just like everybody who's just on this, you know, this cookie cutter plate that I'm not accepted, you know, or that I'm, you know, immediately people just look and judge.
Even though Hollywood's always about like, oh, oh, love, love, you know, love, acceptance.
Yeah, well, try walking into a conversation out here with a gender neutral haircut and a southern accent and see how much people are just like, oh, immediately don't say this guy's this way or this guy's that way.
You know, I've never honestly felt more oppressed in my life.
And I grew up in apparently one of the most racist environments of the world.
But the oppression I felt heaviest in my life here in Los Angeles.
You know, they just try to beat it.
You know, you just frustrating.
Anyway, I don't want to take us down that path, man.
This isn't about me.
But they had the State of the Union address.
People watch that.
There's been a lot of talk recently, you know, a lot of people asking me on social media about Tom Segura.
And he is a fellow comedian.
And he's a very unique man.
And he has a great podcast called Your Mom's House.
And he made fun of Louisiana.
He was making fun of Louisiana in one of his comedic sets.
And he was talking about Louisiana and build a wall around it.
And he talks about, he used the word retarded.
And there's just been an uproar about it.
And a lot of people asking me how I feel.
And, you know, what's funny is before I even knew that this was on television where people could watch it or on Netflix where people could watch it, I heard Tom do that bit.
I heard Tom do that set at the comedy store a couple of months ago.
And I'm sitting in the back.
And dude, my first feeling was that I was offended.
I'm like, man, what the fuck, dude?
You're going to make fun of Louisiana?
You know, why don't you make fun of one of these show-offs, one of these know-it-all places?
You know, why don't you make fun of a Los Angeles or a New York or a California or New York?
Make fun of a know-it-all kind of place.
I'm like, you're picking the lowest-hanging fruit there, Tom, Tom Cat.
And then I'm watching, I'm like, you know, and then I realized I have a part in my Netflix special, there's a bit where I make fun of Mississippi, which is an even easier place to make fun of.
So that's when I realized, you know what, like, this is just jokes.
Even though it might first hit me a little bit uncomfortable because that's my home state, you know, that these are just jokes.
I mean, I could go, you know, I could raise rebuttal up forever.
Louisiana purchased, one of the greatest deals ever in the universe.
We did that.
You're welcome.
Okay.
Bought most of America for 10 cents an acre.
Boomtown.
You know, I could say that.
You know, I could say that, you know, one of the pseudo-birthplaces of jazz.
You know, I could say that we've had, you know, a lot of amazing people come out of Louisiana.
You know, I could say, you know, some of the greatest recipes.
Dude, come on.
They got some trout.
They have some trout down there that if you eat it, that one of your deceased grandparents could probably get that taste in their mouth, even in their skeleton, wherever they're laying.
They could get that taste in their mouth.
And so that's when I realized, you know what?
Sure, I could rebuttal, but the thing is, is that it's jokes.
And that's Tom's take on it.
And he said, build a wall around Louisiana.
And so that's his take.
And that's it.
And I just have to, you know, I got to realize some things are just jokes, especially because if I start to question, you know, what, you know, I can say if it's, if I think it's funny or not, but if I start to question what he should be able to joke about, it's like, come on.
And especially in the South, we should be able to take a joke.
You know, there's a lot of places that cannot take jokes, but I don't think that the South is one of them.
And, you know, and Tom has to go down there and perform.
And I'm not going to, people are asking if I'm going to be his security guard down there, if I'm going to be down there opening up.
Not that I know of.
And I wish Tom the best down there.
I wish him the best.
You know, a lot of famous people have been killed.
And even if, you know, if somebody shoots him up, a lot of famous people have been killed in Louisiana.
A lot, man.
Huey P. Long, Pistol Pete Maravich, Steven Seagal, Jim Croce, or Crochie.
Larry Sweeney.
There you go.
So, you know, it's anybody's ballgame down there, Tomcat.
Good luck.
You know, good luck.
But I'm not, I can't be offended.
So I have to, I think we're almost getting in living out in Los Angeles and even just being in this world today, it's that offensive, it's becoming that culture.
It even infects me because I wouldn't usually get offended.
But my first thought was to be offended.
And I think my reasoning was I just feel like that the South and that the Midwest, these places have been picked on enough.
You know, but then when I look at my own work, even though I'm from one of these places, here I am picking on it.
So it just, you know, at that point, I just got to realize that Tom's just telling jokes.
And then it made me think, well, maybe I should find a, you know, a braver place to make fun of.
I mean, at least you picked Louisiana, I picked Mississippi, which is even, you know, which is a, which, you know, usually it's like you go down, like every state makes fun of another state.
Like, oh, yeah, well, you know, North Carolina's like, oh, well, you think we're shitty?
What about South Carolina?
And South Carolina's like, oh, well, you think we're shitty?
What about Kentucky?
And Kentucky's like, oh, well, you think we're shitty?
What about Alabama?
And it keeps going.
But then you get to Mississippi and Mississippi's like, oh, you think we're shitty?
Well, and they don't know because there's no other states left.
But then also you go to Mississippi, man, and you find some people that are, you got a lot more, wait, you go to some of these, you know, you go to some of these southern and midwestern states, man, you have so much more good-heartedness.
You have so much more people actually living their lives and getting to know each other.
You know, I mean, Los Angeles, we sit in traffic.
Everybody acts like it's so diverse out here.
Like, yeah, there's a lot of different types of people, but it's not like they interact all the time.
Everybody's, for the most part, seems to be in traffic, driving to their own little insular universe.
Like, there's a lot of, like, you know, there's little neighborhoods where everybody's kind of very similar.
You know, it's just like then we go into our homes and talk about how, and people talk about how diverse and how loving they are.
But I've known my neighbors way less when I've lived in Los Angeles than I have any other place that I've lived in America.
And that's true.
I've known my neighbors more in other places, including New York City, South Carolina, New Orleans, Arizona.
I knew my neighbors more in those places than I have living here the entire, and I've been here for probably about 13 or 14 years.
Now, I'm not saying there's not great things about California.
You know, I'm not saying there's not great things about Los Angeles.
But as a place where there's a strong sense of community, anybody who tells you that there is, I think is not realistic.
I think that that's, there's very, there's not, it's very me.
Everything is very me out here.
And I don't even know why sometimes.
I don't even know why I feel that way or why it is that way.
You know, I actually met a man on the street earlier, and this was like the first time I said, I said, yeah, hey, man, I live right down the street at this address.
And if you ever need anything, you know, if you and your wife ever need anything or whatever, you know, I'm down the street.
And I just realized this was just tonight when I went on this run.
I was like, man, I've never even said that shit to anybody before.
So I don't know.
I mean, the only time I knew, I had a neighbor at one of my old places, and he and he and he had husbands or men.
He, you know, preferred the pleasure of men.
And they used to get up there, and sometimes I'd be laying in bed at night listening to these men make love kind of in the distance.
And damn, sometimes it was, you know, it didn't make me erect or anything like that, but it was probably the most I ever even knew my neighbors, really, in a weird way.
You know, it was probably the closest that I got to knowing any of my neighbors was sometimes listening to this man who used to make soap.
He also made soap.
He was a soap soapsman or a Sudsman.
I don't even know.
I could look it up on my internet.
It's having trouble.
And I would listen to him.
And he had a couple of different partners, I think.
But that's his shit, dude.
That's his life.
But that's weird that that was kind of the closest thing I felt to neighborly association was listening to a couple fellas moving furniture, if you will.
A couple of lunch hunters, people hunting, just getting into the dark arts out there.
All right, let's get into a little more stuff here.
Let's get into a follow-up from some of the stuff that happened last week.
You guys hit some calls, and I really appreciate it.
I'm not going to let you know a bunch of dates, but I will let you know if you look on YouTube, A, I'll ask you to subscribe, please.
And B, I'll let you know I got this Onward t-shirt, and they got these Onward shirts now at theovon.com slash store, S-T-O-R-E, where you can support the podcast.
And that is what is going on.
I'll let you know I'll be in Portland next weekend at Harvey's, and we're going to go meet up with the hamster rancher.
So they had a man that called in a while back, and he ranches hamps.
And this gentleman, I had a conversation with him the other night on the phone, on the telephone, and he's still out there working with him, and he was feeding a couple of them, you know, by bottle, not breast.
And that's, you know, and that's the way to do it, I guess, if you're feeding a big group, and especially if you're not related to them, if you're a man.
But he was doing that, and he was being out there and being regular with these animals.
And so we're going to go meet up with him and get out and see a lot of these beautiful hamsters.
And so I'm very excited about that.
So I'm looking forward to that next week.
But we had some calls that came in from you guys in response to some stuff that was going on last week.
And I want to get into some of that right now.
And these are going to be bought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
And Gray Block Pizza that's over there at 1811 Pico Boulevard in Los Angeles.
And I'm going to read you one of the different type of pizza they have right now.
And this pizza called the Neve Bianco.
The Neve Bianco.
And that's red onion, fresh sliced tomato, Mazzarella, ricotta, ricotta cheese with garlic basil on a garlic pesto sauce.
And that's that Neve Bianco.
1811 Pico Boulevard, Los Angeles.
Go to Gray Block, get that hit up.
And we're so grateful to them and happy to just the support that they've given.
Also, grateful to you guys over at the Patreon.
And links to Gray Block and Patreon are going to be in the comments.
You can grab those and check them out and see what they're doing.
We had a guy call in last week, and his wife had been drinking, and she'd been getting that liquor.
You know, and when a woman gets a liquor in her, and look, I'm a feminist as they come.
You want to see a lady out there doing something wild?
Let's see it.
You want to see a lady?
I mean, look, I think ladies were doing just fine.
They got the Statue of Liberty.
What else, dude?
They got, okay, so maybe we do need a little bit more.
You know, we might need, you know, if you want to put a couple ladies in the NFL, then do it.
But I don't see that as equality.
I just see that as forcing women into the NFL.
You know, but they had, you know, a lady that called, a man called in and said his wife was out there drinking, doing liquor and having liquor inside of her.
She just started drinking, and she had recently hooked up with his brother's wife.
It was this gentleman that called.
I just got a little problem going on.
My wife recently started drinking like a couple weeks ago.
Her first real night of getting hammered drunk, she wasn't with me.
She's with her cousin, and she ended up texting the boy that she used to hook up with.
Yeah, and that's the caller.
And then he goes on to say that his wife hooked up with his sister-in-law.
And look, I mean, I've seen some things on the internet, you know, and I've been out there on some of them, you know, crazy websites where you hear them blowjobs going on.
And some of them sites have good blowjobs on them.
You know, something like somebody's washing a car, you know, or putting a sponge in a bucket.
One of them real hardy blowjobs, you know.
Seemed like somebody been, you know, working their neck out before they even show up to, you know, do some work on that cock.
But this guy have family, this family getting involved now.
And he said that that was going on.
His wife out there, you know, being wild and being sentimental.
And they'd been at his brother's house and the wife had snuck out and made woman love, which I still don't know how they do it really, because I've even drawn some pictures and it doesn't, you know, some parts of it don't add up.
And made some beautiful woman love though.
But I do enjoy watching it.
But I'm trying not to right now.
But had made some woman love.
And so here's some of you guys' responses.
Let's get into it.
Hey, this is Ryan from PA.
I'm just calling in response to the guy who, his wife was doing some finangling with his sister-in-law.
And I have a similar Experience.
My ex, she hooked up with a local lesbian once behind my back.
Quite frankly, that enraged me because not only it just seems like a breach of trust, and I'm not really into lesbians and stuff like that, so it didn't really excite me.
So I think it's normal to be upset by that.
But basically, you should just ask her if it'd be okay if you did something with someone else, even another guy, if that'd be all right with her.
And if it's not, then obviously the scales are a little off, and that's probably unhealthy for your relationship.
Wow.
Okay, and I appreciate that call, Ryan.
Thank you for calling in.
You know, there was a lot right there in Ryan's call because he's saying that this happened to him, and you could tell a little bit in his voice that there was still a little, you know, probably still a little bit of resentment there towards his wife.
And I'm guesstimating, Ryan.
I could be wrong, and I'm sorry if I'm not trying to judge you.
I appreciate your call, man.
It's, you know, you're trying to help out this other gentleman, you know, and that, and that's, you know, we're grateful for that.
But, you know, yeah, your wife hooked up with a local lesbian.
Now, that's the thing.
Now, sometimes a lot of, like, some lesbian women will even seek out a small community where there are not a lot of lesbian women, you know, because then they become that maverick.
You know, they become that sweet treat in the distance.
Because they have, you know, they probably have a, you know, a lot of lesbians, they got that, you know, they have, you know, nice etiquette, nice things going on.
They got, you know, they're active in the community, you know, and so then they're meeting women.
And then if a woman has trouble with her man, next thing you know, who can she go talk to?
Who's always available?
Ooh, that lesbian, that local lesbian.
And so next thing you know, you're over by that local lesbian's house, and that's a beautiful little trap they got going on.
Now, men, as a man, I'm envious of lesbians.
You know, because they can set up the same old little trap to meet ladies that we used to set up, but our trap's been figured out.
You know, I can't just talk to a guy's wife and have it seem like I'm not up to no good.
Or a man can't do that, but a local lesbian can do that.
You know, they can be like, oh, come over, you know, let's do some, you know, you know, I got this new full-body crossword or, you know, or I got, you know, I got, you know, I got this, you know, new juggling kit.
Let's learn how to juggle her.
Let's do something.
Let's bake.
You know, let's bake these, you know, I'm with her cookies.
And next thing you know, they're falling in love, these two women.
And so obviously, you know, Ryan said that his wife, you know, had made out with a local lesbian and that, even though it was a woman, that that challenged his comfort.
And he thinks that that compromised his confidence in the relationship, in his relationship.
And so he is recommending to you that you ask her if you can do the same thing.
But now here's the problem.
If a man goes and does the same thing, then the man is out there and he's involved with other men.
And that's fine, but for some reason, there's still this thing where it's not as what is that?
Excuse me.
What is that thing?
Because yeah, if a woman goes out and about and is a, you know, a lick, I don't know if they call that a lipstick lesbian, but if your wife goes out and about and makes out with another woman, it doesn't seem as taboo as if your husband goes out and just makes out with another man.
You know, is it because that, you know, that trying or a woman being a lesbian is more, it's just, it's, is it because, is it looked at easier?
Is it just different?
Is it because the sexual act, if a man goes out with a, if your husband, if a woman's husband were to go out and be with another man, that that sexual act is more, it's more aggressive?
Is that what makes it seem more taboo?
Because Ryan here is telling, is telling this man, well, ask your wife if you can go be with another man, if you can go do the same thing.
And if she says no, then hold her accountable because what she's doing isn't fair.
But I'm going to say, you know, Ryan, I think that's, you know, that's good advice.
But then if he goes out and does that, you know, he has to go, what if she says yes?
Now he has to go be with another man just to get even with his wife.
So now he's out there blowing dudes, you know, and just frisking out and some dudes, you know, in, you know, in some fella's kitchen or whatever, or by candlelight, you know, watching old episodes of Magnum P.I. or, you know, who knows, you know, and he doesn't even want to be.
He's just trying to get even with his wife.
That can be a little bit scary.
So that's another option.
You can get out there and philander with other men locally in order to make things even with your wife, see how she feels.
And maybe that's not a bad idea.
You know, bring home a beautiful little, you know, a beautiful little FauntleRoy gentleman.
You know, next time you and your wife are about to sit down to dinner, there's a little at the door.
And who's that?
Oh, that's just my buddy Randall.
Spelled R-A-N-D-L-E.
And next thing you know, Randall comes in, you know, and he's being wild and he's got a new necklace or something.
And next thing you know, all of you guys are, you know, it's Taco Tuesday.
But Randall's over there snacking on some Taquitos and trying to send your wife a message.
Snacking on some thick Taquitos and trying to send your wife a message.
Maybe that's how you do it.
Maybe that's how you show her, you know, how it would feel if the pages were turned.
Let's take another call here.
Here we go.
What's up, brother?
My name is Joe.
I got some advice for this fella that his wife is getting into the dark arts via the way of the alcohol.
I guess this is the first time she started drinking.
She was straight lace before this happened and then just took a few drinks of alcohol.
Now, this behavior has come about.
I would suggest that she probably stop, man, because that's a slippery slope, man.
I can see her in six months down in Tijuana getting double dicked by two dudes while snorting Coke out of a hooker's ass or something.
You know what I mean?
Woo!
And that's Singin' Joe right there.
And Singin' Joe, that's a deep, I mean, that's a long, so you're saying if she has a little bit of liquor, and next thing you know, she's texting ex-boyfriends.
That's the part that gets me even more is that she's texting a high school boyfriend.
You know, you guys are married.
She's texting a high school boyfriend.
Dude, I did a comedy show one night, and a gal that I dated in high school came, and she was with her husband, and she got drunk, and when she was leaving, when they were leaving, she was like reaching for me.
And I'm no catch.
First of all, that was my first thought.
But my second thought was, ah, this is awkward.
Because I felt awkward for the guy.
And it was only because of the alcohol.
So yeah, alcohol can have a wild effect.
It can be a slippery slope.
Yeah, it's like, where does this end?
If first she's texting other, her exes, and then next thing you know, she's, you know, gallivant with local, you know, local lesbians, then what?
What's the next level?
You know, she's out there, she's, you know, doing buying kilos or she's drug muling for, you know, hardcore lesbians.
You know, she's doing skateboarding.
I don't know.
Who knows, man?
A lot of possibilities.
But yeah, I don't know if she could go that far where she can end up down in Tijuana.
That seems a bit much, Joe.
So I'm no cartographer, but I think that, you know, there's other more local things could occur before she ends up down there caught up like that.
You know, you made it sound like she's really, really caught up, and I must play one more time what you said.
Slippery slope, man.
I can see her in six months down in Tijuana getting double dicked by two dudes while snorting Coke out of a hooker's ass or something.
Yeah, Joe, and that is really, I don't think that that's not what I see.
And I'm no crystal baller, but that's not what I see.
Let's get another call.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, this is Nathan in Anchorage, Alaska.
Say, I'm calling about the gentleman whose wife has just started drinking.
He said he was confused if he's supposed to like girl-on-girl action.
Most guys do.
Well, first off, guys like girl-on-girl action when they are involved.
That's true.
Because then all you're thinking about is being left out.
It's like looking at pictures of your friends at the beach.
You know, being at the beach is cool.
Looking at pictures of your friends at the beach, not as cool.
But thanks for calling from Alaska, man.
I like Alaska, and I like callers from Alaska because Alaskans have time to think.
You know?
And Nathan from Alaska, he probably, I mean, you know, sometimes it's nighttime up there.
It's nighttime up there for like four months.
That's crazy.
If you don't think you have a boogeyman under your bed, you're dead.
You have to.
Four months, there's no way that the dark arts don't really creep in, creep up over the horizon.
Nighttime.
Four months?
That's got the devil signature all over the bottom of it.
Let's hear more, Nathan.
If he's sitting on the sidelines watching his wife hook up with other chicks, maybe it's not quite as fun.
Sounds like her drinking has really escalated.
She just started drinking.
Maybe shower the ropes a little bit.
You know, you don't want to do 15 Jaeger bombs in 15 minutes.
Yeah, that could be it.
You know, that's a way to do it is to try drinking together.
I am concerned with why she just started drinking.
You know, maybe she's just getting a little bit of her college out, you know, of her, you know, maybe did she miss that experience?
And that's what she's getting into?
You know, and there's also, there's like some adult fun camps that you guys could go to.
I know it's like a crazy idea, maybe, but there's like these summer camps you can find online for adults.
It's like three or four days you fly in, and it's like a big party where everybody gets to have fun.
There might be some swinging, you know, swingers going on.
I'm not sure.
But I've seen some photos and some of the people on there look a little bit like they'd be in the swinging.
But that could be it.
You know, that's an option.
You know, but if she's getting involved in, you know, if already she's reaching out, you know, like, I mean, dating your brother's wife, it's just what's next?
You know?
You know, she's snuggling, you know, she's sneaking into your grandmother's bed.
Like, what is next, man?
You know, she's doing, you know, hospice care for your grandmother, but taking things to another level?
Like, what's next?
So that's, you might want to look into that.
You might want to look into that.
But yeah, I'd stay cognizant of what's going on.
You know, because that's pretty, that's a lot.
You got a lot going on right there.
You know, but I would communicate with her how you feel so that if she, you know, if certain behaviors occur or continue to occur and she knows how you feel, then at least you're going to have in the court of emotion, when you guys discuss stuff, you're going to, your case is going to have, a lot of your case will already have been presented along the way.
You know, so trying to communicate I think could be helpful there.
But I don't know.
Yeah, but she started, you know, she found that local lesbianism.
And I remember they had a couple ladies in our town, furniture movers.
And these were some early lesbians.
Back in the day, a lot of lesbians were in the furniture moving business and antiques, antiquing.
And they moved it.
I remember ordering a love seat off the internet, and they brought it and they, or not the internet, off the phone.
That's when you called a number on the television and they brought it over and they ended up moving in our neighborhood.
They bought some drugs and moved into our Neighborhood, and they made love to a couple people's mothers over about the next decade, probably six to eight people's mothers.
All right, but that's all the responses to the calls from last week.
If you have a question, a concern, something that's going on in your life, you can hit the hotline 985-664-9503.
We're going to get into just a couple more calls that came in that were not related to that wife fiasco that's going on up there.
Let's get into one of those right now.
Here we go.
Theo Vaughn, this is Kenneth from Las Vegas, Nevada.
What's up, Kenneth, calling in from Las Vegas?
That's a Sen City.
And you sound young, and who knows how old you'll actually be able to get growing up there in Sin.
Let's go more.
I'm in the United States Air Force.
Thank you for your service.
I just wanted to know your thoughts on gambling.
I'm down a couple hundred.
I want to know, should I keep doing it?
Is it something bad that I'm in?
But man, let me tell you, I think I should.
I want to hit the big money.
I want to hit it not just for me, but for everybody.
I want to get your opinion on the dark arts of gambling.
Well, first of all, Kenneth, thanks.
Second of all, you said should I, you're down a couple hundred, should I?
And then I love the fact that you immediately think you should.
That's obvious.
You're obviously at the casino right now and have ducked off to the side to make the call.
And look, man, gambling's fun.
Dude, gambling is fun.
I remember I was at the casino playing craps one time in New Orleans, and I won, I think, probably about $1,100, and I bought bathing suits for everybody at the craps table.
Everybody got a bathing suit.
You know, and a buddy of mine another time bought an iron, bought a clothing iron for everybody.
Everybody at the table got an iron.
So there's a lot of good opportunities in casinos.
But you said, this is my favorite part of your call right here.
Let's hear it.
Something bad that I'm in?
But man, let me tell you, I think I should.
I want to hit the big money.
I want to hit it not just for me, but for everybody.
Yeah, that's a cool excuse.
I want to hit the big money not just for me, but for everybody.
For who?
For America?
For who?
Who are you talking about?
Everybody?
Most people are probably asleep.
It sounds like this is at the middle of the night.
You know, gambling, look, if you can have fun with it, that's fine.
If you wake up tomorrow morning and you have to go gamble again, that might be an issue.
You know, I think you just have to look at your own track record.
Only you know if you got a problem.
But gambling can be risky, man.
I'll tell you this.
I'll tell you this gambling story.
I saw a dude one time at a party, right?
And he bet this hot girl, this hot chick.
He bet her.
He said, if I let your friend, the hot chick's friend was a man and he was a gay male.
He said, if I let your friend give me a blow job, will you have sex with me?
And the girl said, yes.
If you let my friend give you a blowjob, I'll have sex with you.
So then the dude lets the gay guy give him a blowjob.
Then the girl bails out of the fucking deal.
So, I mean, that's what you get for gambling, you know?
What are you going to do?
You know, you placed your bet, and I'm not going to say you lost.
I mean, you got a blowjob out of it.
That's what the guy got, but not from who he wanted.
So it's just risky.
Gambling's risky, man.
So if you want to gamble, you go on, but you be careful.
That's all I'm saying.
We got another call that came in here, and this is from Ben.
He wants to know, it's about a stalker.
Let's hear it.
Yo, Theo, what's up, man?
My name is Ben, and I got a little bit of a situation here.
This girl, I've been seeing her for a while now.
And she's cool.
We got this thing going on.
We're doing our thing.
It's not like exclusive or nothing, but we get down and all that.
Okay, gang, gang, man.
You got that.
Let's hear more.
We've been going out for probably eight months now, something like that.
That's pretty crispy, dude.
Eight months, bro.
You know what I'm saying?
That's real stuff.
Dude, in some places, that's a marriage.
If you guys die in a month, that's, you know, that's what doesn't really pertain to it, but still, eight months is a long time.
Let's hear more.
And she recently told me that she's got a little bit of a stalking situation.
And not exactly a little bit, because the dude is literally like outside her door every day.
She wakes up and he is just there.
Hmm.
She wakes up and he's just there.
And he's not a roommate, huh?
Let's hear more.
It's kind of awkward because we all kind of go to the same school and he's in one of her classes and it's been going.
Apparently, this has been going on for like nine months or so.
And she said she tried to switch up her roots last year and all that.
And he still somehow found a way to find her.
This is the first time I'm hearing about it.
Hey, stalker's going to stalk, you know?
I mean, if he's obviously good at what he does, you have to respect that a little bit.
You don't want one of these weak-ass stalkers that's kind of, you know, well, maybe you do want a weak-ass stalker.
Let's hear more.
About it.
And I guess she thought she could handle it on her own.
And then she finally came to me, you know, should I fuck this dude up?
Or, you know, I don't really want to start a fight because I don't want to get in trouble with this.
Right.
You don't want to get in trouble with the school.
And I'm just, I'm cutting that call there.
But look, you got a stalker.
A couple ways to go about it.
You know, if you fight a stalker, I mean, it's just going to, you know, he's obviously a sick guy.
There's something wrong there.
So maybe even having a conversation with him.
You know, maybe saying, look, guy, what's going on?
You know, like, I'm not angry at you.
I don't think you're a bad person, but this is what's going on.
It makes me, This is how it plays to us, and it makes us feel uncomfortable.
You know, like, you know, I'm trying to have a relationship with this girl, and you're trying to fucking, you know, hang out in the garden and looking through the windows, and it's not, we're not working conducively together.
So maybe just being real with him about it.
You know, talking about it like that.
Now, if he continues to escalate, now you said your girl might want to fight him.
That's probably a better way to go than by you slipping in and fighting him.
So at least that way, you know, it's her, because these days, if, you know, a woman can beat up a stalker and that's nothing.
I mean, that's like nothing's going to happen to anybody, you know, not to her.
You know, I mean, it's carte blanche on stalkers right now.
Every stalker is getting their ass whipped by, you know, a lot of women are kickboxing and everything just to beat up stalkers.
So if you even used to stalk and don't anymore and have moved on from it and even started your own family, women are going to track you down probably and beat your ass now because they can.
It's that time.
Time's up for stalkers.
So I would, you know, I would talk to the guy, and then if it still escalates, I would have your chick fight him.
That's what I would do.
Appreciate you calling, though.
Let's hit this call right here.
Here we go.
Hey, yo, CEO, man.
This is Mickey calling from Seattle.
So here's my situation, man.
I'm 30 years old.
Thanks for calling in, Mickey from Seattle.
And I will actually be up in Seattle or Tacoma in a couple of weeks, next month, I think, onward.
And I'm currently at the end stage of a lung disease.
Now, my current lungs don't have very long left.
Probably about two and a half years.
Hopefully, we can stretch them out.
But the silver lining is that I'm going to be soon on the lung transplant list.
I'm hoping.
I'm going to get listed.
Wow, man.
Congratulations on that.
So you got two and a half years left on these ballast tanks you got in you now.
And then you're going to get on the transplant list.
That's beautiful.
When I was young, my sister was born with a rare disease called biliaria treesia, and she got a liver transplant when I was 14. But I remember being young, and we spent a lot of time filling out these envelopes and mailing them off to strangers to get them to donate money to get that liver, you know, because you got to get that liver.
And I remember getting pissed even because, you know, there'd be shit I didn't get shit for Christmas or whatever.
And I'd be pissed if my sister was going to get a liver and I wasn't getting, you know, some fucking new BK nights or some, you know, some type of bullshit or some socks or whatever.
Onward.
Which will give me a few more years to figure this whole thing out.
And it's been a really difficult time, and I've been single through it.
My question to you, man, is during this difficult time that's really ruined my confidence, I wanted to ask you and the viewers what they think, what are some good steps that I can take to start boosting my confidence and my self-worth to be able to start getting back out there and start talking to girls again.
Damn, boy.
Freaking no-lung Mickey out there in the universe.
You know, he got that last, he got a couple years left on them lungs and he trying to inhale a little bit of love into his life, it sounds like.
Man, that's brave, you know?
That's ballsy.
You know, because a lot of people, they got a couple years left.
And it's obviously, it sounds to me, it's obvious you're looking for a little bit of love, a little bit of that aorta pump, you know?
You're trying to get that hitter up in your systole and diastole.
Because if you're looking for sex, you can get sex.
You go to backpage.com.
You go to eros.net.
You go to freesalmon.net and get sex if you want it.
But obviously you're looking for love.
So that's it.
You know what?
Maybe we leave.
Look, guys, if you have advice for Tom, this dude's got two and a half years left on his lungs.
And I'm guessing if you don't get new lungs, you know, it's a breather's ball game out here in the universe.
And I'm not trying to be cold to you, but you probably know it better than anybody, Tom Cat.
Or Mickey.
Sorry, I don't know why I called you Tom Cat.
Because I wasn't paying attention to my own thoughts.
But Mickey, it's a breather's game out here.
And if you ain't breathing, you out.
And I hope that doesn't happen for you, man.
And what I would like to do is, yeah, I'd like to ask our colleagues if you have advice.
Mickey's got a couple years left.
You know, he's got them terminal lungs.
Dude, he's got, you know, he got them light.
He's coming in light in the lungs.
And what do you suggest for him?
You know, how do you meet a lady?
Some girls might think it's cool.
You're not even going to be around for a long time.
You know, like, I mean, damn, that's dark.
I'm sorry.
I guess I'm feeling kind of maybe a little bit dark, but that might be a good pickup strategy, you know?
Hey, guess what?
You know, you only got to date me for a couple years.
You know, like maybe lay down some money on your life insurance and, you know, hit a lady up that way.
It's a dark take, but I think these days, if a woman has a sense of humor, she'll like that.
You know, because women want that rescue.
And you got that rescue right now.
You have that rescue that's all over you.
You know, women want that, you know, that they want that man on that transplant list.
They want that man who's, you know, maybe is, you know, having a kidney issue or something, you know, has been in a, you know, a fire or something.
Women are intrigued by that.
They want that rescue.
It's in their blood to want to help.
So I think you're going to have that going for you.
But how do you boost that confidence?
Yeah, that's wild.
You know, that's really, really wild.
But I think it probably comes back to how do we all boost our confidence?
And part of it is just, you know, I don't know if maybe some women have let you down or made you feel bad because of this issue.
But if they have, man, you got to get back on there and just keep trying.
You know?
It's just like last week when I didn't even know if I wanted to, you know, I couldn't do it, but I just, you know, came back this week.
You know, I had to freaking strap my lungs back in, get back into the studio.
But I can say this, man, I'm going to be up in Seattle, up in your area, in Tacoma.
Let me look and see when I am.
Maybe we can find you a date.
What about that?
That's a good idea.
I'll be up there in March 15th and 16th.
I'll be in Tacoma at the comedy club.
So ladies, if there's anybody that lives in Seattle, or if you're a man and you have a friend that live out there that might be interested in meeting a guy like Tom, you know, that ticking Tom bomb, because that dude only got so much time.
Oh, it's not even Tom.
His name's fucking Mickey.
Damn.
Fuck, dude.
Sorry, bro.
Well, look, bro.
Who cares what your name is, dude?
You know what I'm saying?
It's not about your name.
It's about, you know, that you have bad lungs and that this is, you know, what are you going to do?
And I'm going to try to boost your confidence a little bit by saying, let's catch up when I'm out there in Tacoma and let's get you a date.
That's fucking tricky Mickey, dude.
You know?
He's got them tricky airbags inside of him.
You know, he's got two and a half years left on his lungs.
He got them leased.
He's got them leased lungs.
You know, and I had a bad lease on a car a couple years back.
And it's not the same thing, but I only got so many miles.
I can only drive, I got 4,000 miles a year on a lease.
And Jesus, it was miserable.
I remember pushing.
Sometimes I would have to push my car to get to where I was going to not have that odometer back up.
And because it's expensive.
But yeah, let's see if you have any ideas for Tom for boosting his confidence when he's under the gun of physical impairments.
I know we got a boy down there in Alabama who doesn't have a leg and he stays confident.
And I'd love to see maybe what his thoughts are if he doesn't mind hitting the hotline again.
If you have an impairment and you deal with the confidence, but you got some ideas for my boy, why don't you hit us up and let us know?
And we'll see if we can't help him out.
That's exactly what I'm thinking right there.
Let's take this one last call right here.
And this is from Tom.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, it's your boy Tom from rural North Carolina.
I've been kind of dabbling in the dark arts recently.
And this dark artist, Tom, from rural North Carolina, and I do remember you, Tom, early caller from the beginning of the show.
Thank you.
I've been talking to this chick online, super cool, but she's got a boyfriend.
And I'm a single guy, so there's nothing wrong with me.
But the amount of time she spends texting me and talking to me and Snapchatting me, and it's nothing like, it's a little flurry, but it's nothing like sexual.
It's nothing super promiscuous.
I think if her boyfriend saw the stuff on me, he'd be thrilled.
I don't know what I'm doing is right.
Like, I really like the girl a lot.
I think she really likes me a lot, a little bit more than just casual friends.
She's not happy with her current boyfriend, but she's not necessarily looking to leave.
And am I doing the right thing with doing this?
And if she's doing it to this guy, you know, will she turn around and do it to me later?
Or I kind of feel shitty doing this to this dude.
Okay, so you're texting a guy's girlfriend.
You know, I'm going to tell you, here's what I'll say.
If you get murdered by this guy, a lot of people aren't going to feel that sorry for you.
You know, it's risky.
You know, you're fulfilling a need, but you're not, you know, you're not standing up for yourself.
If it's just, it's just risky, man.
You don't know that dude.
You don't know what he's into.
You don't know how much he, you know, he might have anger towards his, he might have anger towards her.
He'll take that out on you if he finds out.
You know, it's risky.
It's risky, dude.
So I don't know what to tell you.
But I think you probably know what to tell yourself.
You know, if you're texting some man's girlfriend, just even saying that, sound it out.
I'm texting some man's girlfriend.
If that dude shows up and wants to bake me a brisket made out of my own ass, I can't be surprised, dude, when that dude warms my ass up with his fists.
When that dude beats my ass.
So be safe out there, Tom.
That's all I can tell you, bro.
Because it's dangerous.
This ain't no game.
That's like little Kenneth out there gambling out there down 200 wanting to win money for America.
You know?
When people's out here having it doing, you know, getting blowjobs from, you know, people of the same sex when that's not what they planned on.
The dark arts abound, Tom.
And if you don't believe that, then I don't know what to tell you.
But if you guys got some advice for Mickey, then hit us up on that.
And, oh, how ironic that I kept messing up the name Tom.
And then Tom actually was our last caller today.
But thank you guys for supporting the podcast.
You can find all the dates at theovon.com slash tour.
You can find links below.
And we'll be back on Monday with a little bit of the state of the podcast address.
And that's it, man.
I want to thank Stevie Starlight for hitting us up with that hitter out the gate today.
Let's take it away again.
We're back.
Look, if last week didn't go great for you, come back.
Make that bounce back.
Know what I'm saying?
Onward.
We back.
We back.
It's for all the dudes out there.
Accidentally getting blowjobs from other dudes.
just to try to meet a woman.
I make her beat higher than a mountain For all the gents out there.
Who don't even have any lungs.
And they're just trying to meet a woman.
Just trying to get one more hit of love.
Enjoy the destination.
Fantasy.
You want that love?
You just gotta open your window sometimes, baby.
You just gotta, you gotta say never too late to come over.
Time slips away from you and me now.
Let that love into the universe, baby.
So don't hesitate to come over.
It's never too late to let love come over.
To let forgiveness come over.
It's never too late to turn your anger into hope.
It's on us, man.
All right, man.
You guys be good to yourselves.
I'll see you on Monday's episode.
Thank you guys for all the nice support this past week, man.
I needed it.
And I'm back.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.
Longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweetheart.
Please do.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Charmaine.
Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no!
Oh.
I think Tom Hanks just buttiled me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is.
Tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is.
Tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule.
Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube.
