Rambling. Whooping cough. No idea quilt. Suggestions for Jose. Sister-in-Love Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 https://www.ziprecruiter.com/tpw https://www.greyblockpizza.com Tickets: https://www.theovon.com/tour https://www.patreon.com/theovon Intro Music: Jameson Flood https://www.soundcloud.com/jameson-flood Beggars Gunt Be Choosers: Thanks Gunt Renee Nicol Matthew Snow Ryan Wolfe Angelo Raygun Carla Huffman John Kutch Tyler Zub Adriana Hernandez Jeffrey Lusero Alex Hitchins Joe Dunn Kennedy Joey Piemonte Robyn Tatu Beau Adams Yoga Max Bowden Shawn-Leigh henry Roar Hanasand Laura Williams Not Even Wrong Xela Person Deanna Smith Mona McCune Suzanne O'Reilly Rashelle Raymond Chad Saltzman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Arielle Nicole Greg H Dave Engelman Dylan Clune Calvin Doyle Robert Doucette Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Ned Arick J Garcia Lauren Cribb Ty Oliver Tom in Rural NC Christian from Bakersfield Brian Martinez Matthew Holland Charley Dunham Casey RobertsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Every night I lie away every night I feel like a fake I put on a show.
Knowing nobody will go there, you go.
You hear that?
That is Every Night by Jameson, Jameson Flood is the man's name, and he sent that in.
And I appreciate that music submission there.
That's beautiful music there.
You know, that sounds like somebody's getting, you know, somebody getting, you know, molested by a stream or something, maybe in Montana.
You know, that sounds like somebody's trying to, somebody's hitting on your mother at a bar while you're, you know, nine years old and you're just, you know, waiting over by the cigarette machine, you know, beating on it like it's a video game and trying to find something to do.
Thank you.
A lot of mustaches.
A lot of mustaches back behind that music.
And that's Jameson Flood.
That's what that is.
And I appreciate that sound right there.
Thank you guys for joining us on this past weekend.
It is Monday, January 29 in the year 20018.
And we are in the realm of the universe as far as we know.
And they say, I was hearing somewhere the other day that we might be figments of our own imagination.
We might be somebody else's plan.
We might be somebody else's video game.
And I'm like, damn, bruh.
You know, if that's the case, man, get that mushroom and let daddy sprout, you know?
If that's the case, then get that flashy flower.
Because I'm ready to throw some fireballs, you know?
I'm ready to wing a couple of flaming pop-pops at fucking locals.
You know, that's what I'm ready to do.
I mean, sometimes we just, man, I wish you had fireballs.
Wouldn't it be awesome?
Somebody's talking or something and they won't shut it down and you've been listening and you've been a patient listener probably for maybe already, probably a minute and 10 seconds.
And that's about my listen spam where they need to give a break for somebody else to kind of pop in, that 70-second mark.
And if they just keep running past over two minutes, oh, I just wing a damn, just a little, just a flaming little fuck nugget right at them.
Take one of their earlobes off.
Show them who's boss.
Show them who's boss in this talk and listen and fight, in this talk and listen association.
Sorry, man.
I'm just a little frustrated.
You know, and sometimes you are.
Sometimes you are just a little frustrated, and that's okay.
What's going on?
Welcome.
Thank you guys for joining me.
Thank you guys for being here.
Thank you for being alive.
You know, I had a pretty wild weekend.
I'll get into that first.
I got a new bed.
You know, I got a new bed.
You know, the old bed, not that good of luck.
You know, I had this bed probably for maybe three years.
Not a lot of sex in it.
Not a lot of good sex, that's for sure.
Definitely a lot of awkward kind of laying there.
You know, talking about why, you know, the sex wasn't good or why, you know, had that PTI, that PTE, that part-time erection.
You know, because my erection, boy, that thing will file for unemployment like a motherhood.
You know, my erection liked to get that disability check.
So, you know, this bed hadn't really seen it.
And also this bed, it kind of looked like a, like a, I don't want to say a lady's bed, bro, because that is a gutter.
You know, for a man to be in a lady's bed that's not, and he don't have a lady, and he's just laying in a woman's bed at night, that is just something that is wild.
You know, that's something that is not for, that's for outdoors.
That's for another realm.
That's not what's supposed to be happening in my life.
And I got this bed, it was like one of those, it was like a wrought iron kind of, you know, had that kind of cagey sort of, kind of a British, it looked kind of British, you know.
Kind of like two really skinny people that were in Britain, like a man and a woman, or two men, you know, that are, that are married.
This isn't a kind of a bed where like two men that just are getting together to do sex meet up.
This isn't a bed like that.
This is a two men that have been married and have a couple of, you know, armois and maybe, you know, a lot of fancy books in another room, a rug.
You know, it's something more like that.
Or where two real thin women would meet up and be with each other, you know, and be around each other like that.
So, yeah, anyway, I got rid of that and I got me more of a wooden bed.
And this thing is a damn Noah's Ark.
It could weigh 700 pounds.
I don't even know.
I mean, it just, I don't know.
I mean, it took Egyptians to get it into the house.
That's how heavy this thing was.
So I got a new bed.
You know, and it was a pretty good, I think it was this company called Blake Avenue.
You know, and I don't work with them.
Or, yeah, BlakeAvenue.com.
They got cool wooden beds.
Because I started seeing this.
Every bed I would Look for it's all the same bed or the same five or six beds, they're all sold by the same three or four companies, overstock or wayfair or fucking you know, sleep fucker or whatever.
You know, and I wanted something that was a little more unique, you know, a genuine bed, you know, because I've slept in some unique spots before.
You know, I slept under a man's bed when I first moved out here to Los Angeles, and that was a nonsensual relationship that was friendship only.
And for $150 a month, I slept under his bed, and I had whooping cough too during that time, and I had to hold my cough in one time while he was making love to a woman, or he may have actually just been masturbating, but also doing impressions of a woman at the same time.
So I don't know what was going on, but one of those things was going on, and I had a whooping cough.
If you don't know whooping cough, sometimes you feel like you have to cough.
Sometimes a cough feels like it has to you, and that's whooping cough.
Whooping cough is like that, it's that brother that shows up or that rednecky dude that shows up and don't ask you any questions and just punches you in the fucking face.
And that's whooping cough.
And that thing beat me down, beat me up, and beat me up and down.
And that's what happened to me.
But I got a new bed.
What else?
I get up Saturday morning.
I was going to do some volunteering at the Special Olympics, you know.
I met this girl, you know, I met a plus-size model a while back, you know, and, you know, a plus-size modelist, a girl that likes to eat and, you know, eat and, you know, and look fancy.
And I like that because I like to do those things sometimes.
I like to eat and be a little bit fancy.
And so she told me that you got to do this.
She said she had a family member.
I think that was in the Special Olympics.
I was like, you know what?
I want to go and check it out.
And she said that she volunteered all the time.
So I checked it out.
So I went down there Saturday morning.
I get there, 8 a.m.
Turns out the thing was on Friday.
So I'm down there asking people, just dude, and I hadn't been down there this before.
This is at a high school down near Long Beach.
You know, about a 40-minute drive.
I get there.
I'm asking people, you know, have you seen the Special Olympics?
And people looking at me like I'm, you know, should be a coach in it, you know, or should be a damn, you know, should be running the fourth leg of the relay because I'm running around this school and this track and everything looking for Special Olympians and asking people.
And it turns out, finally, I go back and look at the documentation they'd sent me and the thing was on Friday.
The thing was on Friday.
And how about this?
Who does a Special Olympics on Friday?
Huh?
Special Olympics is a weekend event.
You don't put a Special Olympics on a Friday?
So these young warriors and battlers and javeliners, who have some afflictions, some of God's favorites, and they got to be out there in traffic on a Friday and mucking around and people can't go watch them.
So now I'm sitting down in Long Beach at 8.30.
I'm so, I'm furious.
You know, I'm furious because, you know, I wanted to go.
I was excited.
I had a late night the night before at work.
I got up early.
I got in the car.
I got down there.
And I mean, I was bummed that I'd missed it because I wanted to be there.
I wanted to do it.
You know, I was working registration.
It was going to be fun.
It was going to be something I'd never been to before.
Because I'd never even been to a regular Olympics.
You know, I met Peekaboo Street one time in Utah.
And honestly, bro, she seemed down to, you know?
Peekaboo Street seemed like she wouldn't have mind if I'd have done a couple of U-turns in the cul-de-sac.
You know?
But, and I remember one time I got to, they had this skeleton course out there at the Olympic.
I was in Utah.
I didn't go to the Olympics, but I got to go to the training facility.
And they had the skeleton, and that's where you lay face first on this little bitty.
It's almost like just a window.
Like somebody took a window out of a building and set it on the ground on an ice track, and you just go as fast as you can.
And your face is just three inches from the ice.
Man, that shit was hardy.
That shit was scary.
But anyhow, so now I'm furious.
I'm furious.
I guess I'm angry that my time is, you know, I feel like I've wasted my time, even though it's just, it's not even, you know, the time wasn't even about me.
It was about being there for, you know, the program, what was going on.
And next thing you know, I'm just, I had to go park by the water.
I had to go park by the water in my car and just take some deep breaths.
Because then I was angry, because I was also angry, why you do Special Olympics on a Friday?
Because you don't know what Friday is like in Los Angeles.
Sorry.
Friday in Los Angeles, and that's Jameson Flood right there, who sent in his music.
And he just emailed me back and said it is not copywritten.
And so we can use that.
So thank you there.
We'll put a link to his SoundCloud in the YouTube.
And that was this song earlier, which sounds like somebody's taking off your stepmother's shirt and is basically just spinning a disco ball around between her tits and blowing cigarette smoke around her neck and maybe up around her thighs and stuff.
There you go.
*music*
And that's what that is right there.
So, all right, I'm sorry.
My audio was low.
I didn't even realize that, guys.
And now I'm coming in.
Now I'm flexing a little bit.
I had the wrong audio.
Jam.
Man, I just feel like you ever had those times, nothing's going your way.
Nothing's going your way.
I wish Somebody would pull up with a damn van full of your way and just fucking dump that shit all over my body.
Because sometimes I want things to go my way.
So, yeah, that's where I was.
I was out there.
So now I'm parked by the water because I'm pissed.
I'm pissed for one that I'm up, that I'm down there, that it's not going on, that I missed it.
I'm pissed that I didn't read the documentation properly.
And then I'm also angry that they do Special Olympics on a Friday.
And I'm not even in them.
You know, here I am angry about something that has nothing to even do with me.
So that was pretty much kind of the highlight of my weekend.
You know, I hit a couple of men's meetings, a couple of, you know, of the sobriety kind and did a little bit of that.
What else?
I try to watch a little bit of that bee movie.
It's about bees with Jerry Seinfeld.
And I actually met a beekeeper one time off of casual encounters.
And this is back when casual encounters was pretty popular.
And that was a place where people that didn't know each other could meet up with each other blindly for sex or just for friendship or even to fucking see some beehives.
And I was out in, where was I?
I don't know, somewhere, maybe, oh, Missouri.
And this gal, and I got invited to, I met this gal off casual encounters.
Because I used to be out in the, I mean, that's the dark arts.
When you're out there in the depths of the web, you know, meeting up with strangers just to, you know, to have some sort of a connection.
And I wouldn't, you know, and I, and it wasn't always you were trying to meet up for some type of a sensuality.
Sometimes you were just meeting up to see somebody.
You know, because you're out in these cities, sometimes you're by yourself.
And so I met up with this lady and she was a dang beekeeper.
And she drove a truck.
She drove a man's truck.
And so, you know, it made me a little nervous when a woman drives a man's truck because you know what sometimes comes along with a man's truck?
A man.
So I didn't want to get involved with that.
But she took me out to the beekeeping range where she kept bees and I got to put on the suit and do a little bit of that, you know, that smoke work, you know, blowing that smoke.
You know, blowing that smoke all around and getting those bees chill, calming them bees down.
Because bees are just like us.
They obviously want the legalization of marijuana.
No, bees want to, you know, if that smoke hits them, they chill out.
You know, it's like a, I mean, basically, what you do for bees is you create a little hookah lounge and then they're so chill and calm, you steal all their honey.
You steal all of that fucking butt sweet that they make.
Because that's what they do, dude.
They spinning honey right out of their butt.
And that is damn remarkable.
Imagine that.
Imagine if we could do that.
You find a baby who's got a full diaper and then you just damn sweeten a cake batter with it.
I mean, that would be God's plan right there.
What are we even talking about?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Sometimes I don't know.
What else happened this weekend?
Yeah, I guess just, I don't know.
I've just been thinking a lot about my own ego and trying not to, trying to do anything I could think of that would help keep my ego down.
You know, having an ego is scary.
Having this thing inside of you that just wants for yourself.
That's scary.
I mean, it's, you know, at a certain point in our lives and as human beings, I'm sure our ego probably, you know, we needed it more when we had to survive more.
I mean, now it's like you have to really mess up.
I mean, you have to get to some low levels to not survive, especially in America.
You know, other countries, they'll leave you out there on the road.
You know, you'll turn into a, in India, you'll be a fucking speed bump in a week and a half, dude.
You'll be, people will be driving over you and no excuses.
That's it.
You know, it's over.
Your life will end like that.
Some of these other countries.
But in America, man, you can keep going.
You can keep cruising in the US of A, you know, and they'll keep giving you programs and assistance, assistance, and welfare and double welfare and triple welfare and no whammies, no whammies, no whammies.
Welfare vacation.
You know, they'll just keep giving it.
In some places, people need it and sometimes people don't.
You know, but we'll get, you know, I don't know, man.
I don't know.
What else?
You know, I was thinking about this weekend.
I was thinking about when I was young, they had, you know, I'm pretty gullible.
And when I was young, they had a time where I didn't talk to my mother for probably about a year and a half.
And we had, they had a man called my school and ended up sending me an email.
And this is when they had email.
And a man sent me an email, and it was my, it turned out to be my great uncle.
You know, and I don't even know how many great, you know, like, I mean, my father was 70 years old when I was born.
A lot of you guys know that.
And so my dad was born in 1910.
So the great uncle, you know, I'm key up.
I mean, I'm intrigued to see what's going on, you know.
And who knows how, I mean, he wasn't like 100 and something years old, but he was an older man.
So I met up with him.
He was nice.
And then my girlfriend, I had a girlfriend at the time.
So we'd go over there and spend some time with him.
Hang out, you know, have some snacks or something or maybe listen to some music, some adult music.
And then he one time started getting us a little bit cooked up on buying us some marijuana and liquor, apple cider liquor.
And we, you know, we'd have a good little time hanging out.
And then one time we got real high and he melt, what they called him, Uncle Melt, like, you know, something that was frozen one time and now it's not, like that, melt.
And he would, he tried to hook up with my girlfriend.
And at first I thought, oh man, I'm just high, dude.
I'm so fucking high that I think that this, that my uncle or great uncle is trying to bang my chick.
And I don't even know if we were banging.
So, I mean, that's pretty ballsy of him.
You know, I mean, it's nice of him to assume that I'm making, that I'm getting sex, but it's also kind of fucked up of him, if I'm not, to think I'm going to let him bang my girlfriend first before I get to bang her.
You know, I'm young.
I'm working towards those sexual goals, you know, as a child.
And so, anyway, I thought I was like, damn, I'm so fucking high, dude.
I think this old dude's trying to fuck my girlfriend.
And I'm like, this shit is some killer weed.
You know, because I've been around, I mean, I was high on some weed one time where I couldn't bend my legs one time.
And it wouldn't have been bad, but I was standing up when I started smoking.
If I'd have been sitting down, no issue, you know.
But when I'm standing up already and then I can't bend my legs, that's, you know, it was just hell, dude.
I'd have a friend of mine pick me up and lay me down.
And I've been high, you know, where you can't, you don't know what's going on, right?
But I hadn't been high where I'm like, holy shit, dude, this old dude's trying to bang my lady.
And that's some killer shit.
But turns out anyway, anyway, fast forward, my mom and I kind of reconciled.
And I didn't go back over there much after that.
And then my mom and I were talking one time.
And, you know, I'm just telling her, we're talking about family and stuff.
And I'm telling her about Uncle Melt.
And she says, she's like, who?
And I'm like, Uncle Melt, you know, Melton, I guess.
I assumed it was, you know, short for Melton.
If that's even, if that's even a name now, I don't even know.
It doesn't sound like a name now that I'm saying it, Melton.
Have I met anybody in Melton?
I don't know.
But she's like, you don't have, you don't, she's like, what Uncle Melt?
And I'm describing her.
She's like, you don't even have an Uncle Melt.
You don't have an Uncle Melton.
And I'm like, holy shit, dude.
And that was it, man.
So some dude I don't even know found me somehow through the school system, hung out with me and my girlfriend, got us fucked up, tried to bang my girlfriend like a senior citizen dude that I don't even know.
So you want to talk about the Special Olympics?
We've all been out there in some damn Special Olympics.
You know, we've all had some hurdles and some, you know, some things, some shot put, something we've had to get off our chest.
You know, we've all done some, you know, we've, I mean, I remember the first time I ever did cocaine, man, I was running.
Somebody told me it was a performance-enhancing drug.
So next thing you know, I'm out there on a couple of grams of that white, you know, or that fluffiduphalus, bruh.
Or that, ooh, you know?
And next thing you know, I ran seven miles, dude, in a pair of orange umbros out there in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, near the railroad tracks.
How on cocaine, dude, I'd stop every mile and cup up on that dust and keep cruising.
And that's where I was at, you know.
So we've all been through some Olympics, you know, we've all been through, and I'm not knocking the Special Olympics, man, because here's the thing, I'll tell you this.
If I know, if I had a heavy affliction, you know, if I had a syndrome or something that was real strong like that, I don't know that I would, that I would be brave enough to then compete.
I mean, I'm afraid to compete if my hair is a little off.
You know, I get nervous and self-conscious.
If my DNA is a little bit wrangled, who even knows?
You know, if I got split ends on my TGAC cells or whatever, you know, who knows?
Who knows if I'd be out there competing like a lot of these brave women and men and children.
Hold on, this cord just came out.
I got to put it back in.
All right.
What else, man?
I know this, that Gray Block Pizza is our charter sponsor.
And if you're in Los Angeles, you go over to 1811 Pico Boulevard, stop in, and get that hit.
They got all that magic, boy.
They got them Bella Goat.
They got that Picante Pollo.
They got the deep cheese.
How deep?
So deep.
So go over there, Gray Block Pizza.
The link will be in the comments.
And we're grateful to them.
As well, man, I'm letting you guys know I'll be at Harvey's in Portland next weekend, Portland, Oregon, February 8th through 11th.
February 16th through 18th, I'll be in La Jolla at the comedy store.
22nd through the 24th, February in Indio, California, Fantasy Springs Casino.
March 15th and 16th, Tacoma Comedy Club.
March 17th, Spokane Comedy Club.
And April 6th and 7th, Tampa, Florida at Rock Brothers Brewing.
And everything is available.
Those are all available on the website, theovon.com slash tour, T-O-U-R.
Dude, I get this email.
You know what?
You want to know some kind of shit I'm tired of, man?
I get this email the other day.
It says, sign a petition for people to stop taking selfies with tigers.
And this is in India, I'm thinking, you know, because that's tiger country, Bali, you know, Malaysia, somewhere where there's a jungle.
Because you ain't just going to find a tie, you know, you don't find a tiger out there, you know, on a basketball court.
You find a tiger on a jungle.
And this email is like, you got to sign this petition.
We already have like $150,000.
And I'm like, what the?
What is this shit?
These are tigers, dude.
Okay.
And this is, it might be a little bit of a messy exchange over there, whatever second or third or maybe fourth world country this is, where some brave person is next to a tiger and trying to get the tiger to take a selfie with a tourist.
But that's a huge business probably there for them.
And we don't have to have that business here because we're pretty fortunate.
But that dude or that lady has to have that business.
You don't know how many people are eating because that tiger is out there doing work.
You know, it's like a stripper in America.
And I'll tell you, you want to know when that tiger, when that tiger is ready to stop taking selfies, that tiger will let you know.
People out here signing a fucking petition.
What are you doing?
You want to go save a tiger?
Go to your local strip club and pull one of them pretty kittens off stage.
Because that's the same exact thing.
And you can say, well, it's not, well, it's this, well, it's that.
It's not.
That's the same thing.
Somebody using something to make money out there.
And you think you're taking advantage?
Drive over to strip club.
Let the bouncer, let Big Henry, you know, who's probably a big African-American man or a big white guy with a neck tattoo.
Let Big Henry, let Big Henry see how he feels about letting you take that tiger off stage, about getting that pretty poison down off the stage.
Man, I don't even know, dude.
It's just one of those, is it one of those weeks?
I don't even know.
I don't even know.
But how is that an issue?
Who's laying it?
That's your issue?
Then go over there.
Wrestle it out.
Go free that tiger, dude.
You seen that movie where that boy ends up in a boat with the tiger?
Go take your chances.
Go take your chances with that cat.
Because that cat, dude, a tiger will lick your skull open.
A tiger could, I bet, open your skull just with the friction of his tongue against your bone.
So you're out here being like, and you're out here being like a dang jackass.
Speaking of a jackass, man, I'll tell you this little news story.
The great donkey escape, a lone donkey was found leading a herd of goats and sheep through residential streets of West Covina, California after escaping from a property in a neighboring city on Thursday.
Officers responded to the area of Francisquito and Valinda around 12.30 a.m.
after receiving a call of a group of animals roaming a neighborhood, according to a post on the West Covina Police Department's Facebook page.
Police discovered the donkey, goats, and sheep slipped through an unsecured gate from a property.
Is this a script to Madagascar?
I feel like I just read the script to Madagascar.
But I would guess, honestly, let's think about this, that that donkey was probably down there doing some of those sex shows.
And everybody thinks about the lady, you know.
But you want to go rescue something instead of people signing up to take a, you know, go down to Mexico.
Just look in the donkey's eyes and see if they are okay with making love to these women.
You'll know.
The animal will give you a look.
But obviously they're not.
If this one's heading north, you know, this donkey probably running out of there.
They should have checked if he had a couple condoms in his pocket, you know?
Maybe it was that donkey.
But things are going haywire right now, I guess.
This episode's haywire.
I don't even know what this episode's about.
But I don't know what anything's about.
Man.
Man, I've just been feeling, for some reason, I've just been feeling testy.
I've been feeling testy.
And I don't know why.
You know, I don't know why.
I've been trying to stay calm and stay chill.
I got that new bed.
That's a place I can rest.
You know, I just, I guess I'm just nervous.
I guess I'm just nervous about, you know, some stuff going on.
I tried out for the tonight show.
I sent in a tape and I didn't get it.
So that kind of, you know, it just made me feel, I guess, I don't know if it made me feel like I'm not good enough as a comedian, but it just made me feel, you know what it made me feel?
It made me feel that somebody should start a Hollywood that creates entertainment and not one that is just in the business of Hollywood's just gotten so political, I feel like.
You know?
And not one that's just in the business of entertaining advertisers.
You know, and a lot of people will say, well, look, you're not going to have the business if you don't have the advertisers.
True.
But I think that there's a great opportunity out there right now for somebody to make good entertainment, to bring it along, and people will get on board.
Because some of the shit that's out there now, man, there's some good stuff, but damn, dude.
I don't know if I've ever seen as many bad movies as I saw recently.
Everyone.
It just, come on.
So anyway, I guess, yeah, it just made me feel, you know, it just made me mad because I know the people that do get on there.
And no discredit to them, but I know that I'm as good as some of those comedians.
And it's just hard.
They don't, you know, it seems like you have a southern accent or you're from a certain place and a lot of these Hollywood channels don't want to embrace you or give you an opportunity because you don't, just the sound of your voice makes them think that you are not part of their world or not good enough to be in their world or just your accent or, you know, even, and Hollywood pisses me off, man.
You know, Hollywood's all about like, you know, diversity and this and that now.
Two years ago, black people had to beg and boycott Hollywood to even get awards.
Do you remember that?
Two years ago.
Two years ago.
You know what I'm going to do right now then?
If I'm not feeling good, I'm going to quit thinking about myself and I'm going to start checking on some of these calls.
You guys had some calls that came in and I appreciate them.
I appreciate you guys putting up with me today on this episode.
It's just kind of, I guess it's got a lot on the brain.
You know, as always, if you have an issue, you can hit the hotline 985-664-9503 and talk to us.
Leave us a voicemail if you're struggling with something and you believe that myself or someone else can offer some basic life suggestions, then we'd love to hear what's going on.
Again, that number is 985-664-9503.
All right, let's listen to this call came in.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo.
You brought up the government shutdown.
It was real quick.
You sort of said, good.
You're happy that the government shut down.
He's saying last week, on last week's episode, I brought up the government shutdown.
Yes, I did.
Yep, and I said it was good.
I was glad the government shut down.
Now, if we could just get the news media to shut down, we might be able to get a little bit of peace.
Um, I was kind of joking onward.
You'll be fine.
You got a job.
There's nothing really wrong with that, I guess.
It's just that I think you're you just didn't know sort of a big point about it.
The reality is that the people that shut it down, you know, the senators, the house, those people, they still get paid.
They're still working that whole time.
Their pay is actually permanently authorized by the U.S. Constitution, so it never stops.
Wow.
I didn't know that.
So government shutdown, the big dogs still get that feed.
They still get that kibble in Benjamin's onward.
The people it does affect, you know, those are people like me.
It does stop for people like us, and we do stop getting paid.
You know, like a little about me and how it affected me was I got a lot of bills, you know, and basically out of nowhere, I get put on what's called furlough, and I'm basically told, hey, you're not getting the paycheck.
You're not working.
You're going to have a job when it's over, but who knows when that's going to be.
You know, in 2013, it was like three weeks, I think, two, two weeks.
For the DOD, it was a little less because the work I do is considered mission critical.
Okay, wow.
So you're saying that as more of an boots on the ground employee, that you don't get paid?
Yeah, you're right.
I didn't know that.
I didn't know that.
I didn't know that when governments shut down, like what really occurs?
I didn't think that a lot of people don't get paid.
And I bet there was probably a moment for you when you're not getting paid where you're starting to, I bet it really, that's when you start feeling, I bet, like, what the fuck is going on?
What's going on in my country?
Who's making these choices?
I bet it's, you know, like, not judging you.
I mean, I'm sorry to hear that.
And I think that's bullshit.
You know, I don't think that people that serve in our military or who are teachers, I don't think those people get paid enough at all.
And I'm not grouping those together because, you know, teachers can't throw grenades, but I'm just saying, I've always thought that.
But I bet there was a moment where once you realize that you're not getting paid, I bet that makes you perk up.
You know, it makes you perk up.
When somebody cuts those lifelines off, you know, we know what we need to survive, that money, when we need to, you know, take care of ourselves, to pay our bills like you're talking about, makes you perk up.
It makes you see, well, who's doing what?
Who's not helping?
Who's not passing the laws or signing the bills or, you know.
And it seems these days that a lot of it is ego with these political parties, that they're at the point where it's just ego.
You know, one of them doesn't want to help just because they don't want to, they personally don't want to seem helpful.
And I think it's long been that way, but now it's just getting more and more evident.
But I bet that you, you know what, and I'm not trying to find a silver lining in this for you, but I'm, you know, like, I bet it's, I bet that that's when you get alive, that you get awakened to the fact that what the fuck's really going on here?
Because it's not until we're affected, really, that we, that we spruce up.
You know, it's not until we're affected that we, you know, it makes you turn, it makes you see what's going on.
You know, that's when you get alert.
And so we probably all need that.
We probably all need a couple days where somebody cut, you know, where our supply is cut and we got to look around.
Because we get, you know, we get we get comfortable on the tit in America.
And that's even just the tit if we're just working or what we're doing.
You know, no matter what we're doing, we get comfortable on the tit.
But I didn't know that.
And I didn't know that our congressmen and our senators still get paid.
But I thank you for your service, man.
You're braver than I am.
That's for sure.
I've always thought that you guys should get, your vote should count for a vote and a quarter or a vote and a half if you served in our country.
I think you put more on the line.
Onward.
Let's get into some calls here.
We had a call here.
Oh, right.
And last episode, we had a young man call in, Jose Ochoa, who was calling asking about advice and questions as to if he was going to, he wanted to drop out of college against one of his parents' wishes, his stepfather, I believe, or his father.
And he wanted some suggestions from us on that.
And I gave him a couple of ideas, and you guys also hit the hotline with some.
So, Jose, here are a few for you, and just a few thoughts in general on that.
He was worried about disappointing his father, who is first generation here in New America.
And just a lot of what goes on with that and what his life would look like.
He wanted to start his own business.
And here were some calls.
Onward.
What's up, Dioban?
This is Jose from Las Vegas, Nevada.
Okay, and this is not the same Jose.
This is a different Jose.
And I could easily make a no-way Jose joke here, but I'm not going to.
But I just sort of inversely did right there.
But this is not the same Jose who called in with the problem.
Onward?
And this is for Jose Ochoa from Phoenix, Arizona.
Okay, thank you, Jose, for calling in about Jose.
Jose on first.
Nope.
Okay, more?
So I got a little story to tell.
Man, I got to say, college wasn't for me, man.
I was honestly tired of school, sitting down at a damn desk.
But I took to the crack of college.
I went for a full semester back in 2016.
I enjoyed it.
I enjoyed learning, being around like 90 people, talking to the fine ass girls.
But I realized I was going to spend a lot of time, money, and effort there.
And honestly, I just wasn't up for it at the time back in 2016.
So I said, fuck it.
I didn't go back.
A few months later, I did the Unmanageable, and I enrolled myself in massage therapy school to be a liking massage therapist.
Okay, so he was in college.
He didn't like it that much.
He liked the fine-ass girls, which, yeah, I feel you, bro.
You know, I don't, there's something about college where women go there because they, you know, they want to learn.
And that's how you, you know, that's how you get a woman with some facts.
You got to lay some facts out on the street.
And when they show up, you get out there and by law, drop that by la mos on them.
But here we go right here.
So, but now he's in massage therapy.
So you got in massage therapy.
Still catching with them ladies.
Beautiful.
Homework.
I kept in mind that this is going to be backup.
Anything else is shit in my life.
And it's unsafe.
Well, paying job.
Point is, if you haven't done a show you like, bro, don't worry about it.
I said finish your degree for a backup if anything goes a shit.
You know, a good degree.
And with time and life experience, you'll find your likes, dislikes, and talents.
By risking it, being able to not be lazy.
And there you go, right there.
He's saying right there, take your time.
He's saying, get the degree, take your time, you know, because you always have it as a backup.
You know, you can try something different.
Take your time.
You have time.
You're going to slowly figure out your likes, dislikes, and talents.
Just don't be lazy.
I like that.
Let's hear another one came in for you, Jose.
Here we go.
Call for Mr. Ochoa, the 21 and a half.
Okay, man, just get her done, finish college.
I dropped out when I was 19, and I've regretted it for the past nine years.
And you just got to get in there and get her done, man.
Otherwise, you're going to end up finding some other things to do with your time.
You could hit the bottle or get into drugs, but just focus on a goal and just get her done.
All right.
Good luck to you, Ochoa.
Hope all is well.
Boom.
There you go.
And that's some sound advice right there.
If you're, you know, because there is one thing, man, if I go back in time, you know, if somebody showed up right now and they had a big, you know, an empty sack, an empty burlap sack, and I said, hey, hey, mister, what's in that sack there?
And they said, oh, they said, this is a porthole back to time.
You know, that's the only time probably that I would crawl up in a man's sack right there.
So there you go.
You know, finishing it up, there's something to be said for it.
Getting it done because you have idle time.
That's the devil's diving board, Daddy.
And the devil will jump right off anything and land in the back of your fucking ball bag.
So there you go, right there.
Let's take one more that came in.
Here we go.
Yes, Theo.
Yeah, Dude, Justin.
I'm calling from California.
Thanks for calling, Justin.
Onward.
And I'm just responding to that shower fellow about his decision about going to college, you know.
And I just want to say, like, I'm going to a change struggle right now.
I'm trying to finish up.
I'm almost done.
You know, man, it's tough, you know, because, you know, these classes and stuff, there's a lot of bureaucracy and shit.
You got to take these stupid classes you don't want to take.
But, man, it's not really about the classes at the end of the day.
It's just about meeting people, getting hanging out with people.
I meet so many people, man.
I never want to hang out with the same people.
Always hang out with different people.
Expose myself, man.
Because you never know who you meet.
You know, the connections are real.
People you meet are real.
Good luck to you.
But man, you may be missing an opportunity of a lifetime, man.
And, you know, and that's a good point.
Because you ask anybody if they could go back to college, who went to college, most people would say yes.
Most people are going to say yes.
I mean, college is a fun time.
You don't get that freedom.
You don't get to be that free as you do in college.
You know, and I think that is something special that's, you know, about being in like a four-year university and getting that experience of going and living on campus.
You just don't get it again.
You don't even get that time in your life when, because as you creep up in age, people just think there's more of expectations on you from society.
And you might start to feel that, Mr. Ochoa.
But that's, you know, there's some great outlooks right there.
You know, go ahead, get it done while you're there.
If you already started, finish it up.
I dropped out and regretted it.
You know, it's not even about the college.
It's about the connections.
You know, if you have a business plan idea, now you might meet somebody in college who's got the other side of it.
Who's got the other side of your business plan?
Because if there's anything that's tough to do is everything by yourself.
You know, teamwork makes the dream work always.
You know, you want to meet up with people who are like-minded and like to get things done because you can't do it all.
You know, you need somebody to help with everything.
This podcast, I need people to help with Patreon, the support.
We have our new camera being started up on Thursday's episode coming up this week.
We got new lights.
We're going to be able to have a guest in soon.
You know, I need an editor.
I got an editor that's going to come tonight and take off with this footage.
And we'll be up to midnight on the phone or on Skype discussing it.
But he has to have that skill set.
I can't do it all.
It's like there's a lot of teamwork.
And you're going to need that, man, in a business idea a lot of times.
Maybe you won't.
But yeah, college is about the connections, the opportunity.
And also, dude, you get that.
I mean, they got a straight-up buffet of breaths or wiener out there if you want it.
I mean, college is that time to cut up.
I mean, out here in the real world, you can't even do, you can't do anything anymore.
So if you're going to catch some extra, you know, if you're going to, you know, get into some straight up Special Olympics, you know what I'm saying?
If you're going to just be skeeting over somebody's, you know, over that titty bar, you know, if you're just going to be, you know, you're going to be triple jumping some cock on up and down some lady's, you know, leg or something, then you're going to want to do something.
You're going to want to be in that college.
Because you can't just recreate college somewhere.
You can't walk into like a, you know, a CVS or a Walgreen and just, you know, say, let's turn the fuck up and start drinking and, you know, doing shots out of people's asses.
You can't do all that.
You're going to need a real environment.
And college, you know provides that.
Last week, we asked on the episode, I asked if any Boston fans get tired of winning.
You know, the Patriots are going to be in this final again.
And it's, you know, I think everything loses its allure.
And even victory probably does.
And this young lady called in with some thoughts on that.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo.
My name is Jen.
You were saying on this past podcast, you were saying that people are getting tired of Boston winning.
And you said you heard a Patriots fan say that they are tired of seeing the Patriots win.
Do we feel greedy?
Yeah, it sometimes feels like that, I guess you could say.
Okay.
Thank you for calling, Jen.
Onward.
It doesn't, I bet it wouldn't feel as good if, say, if you saw the Franks win.
You know, I'm 26, and the first time I saw Tom Brady win a Super Bowl, I was 11 years old or something like that.
We were going through some tough times as a family.
Mm-hmm.
And Tom Brady's that man.
And, you know, he is 6'6.
That's tall.
I mean, that is tall.
That's like two eight-year-olds long ways onward.
And we're all living in this Super 8 motel, in this crappy Brockton motel, some ghetto, for like two months.
And we saw them when that 2002 supervisor, I saw my dad cry his eyes out.
And like at that moment, I realized like how important this was for him at this point in our lives, how important it was for football to bring us all together.
You know, it did.
It held our family together for such tough times.
And I respect that, and I appreciate that call, Jen.
You know, that is a beautiful moment.
I mean, there's nothing, you know, I mean, there's also nothing more Boston fan than, you know, a dad crying in a Super 8 motel with his children as Tom Brady wins the Super Bowl.
That's like the most, you know, that's so real Boston, you know, not fancy Boston.
I mean, that's fucking unbelievable.
You know, leaving the room to hit the ice machine by himself to have a few moments and come back in and celebrate, you know, crack open a thing of grape, you know, maybe grape soda or something for the kids or do something special.
You know, and yeah, I mean, that's Jesus Christ.
A super eight, too, man.
I don't think they went out.
Those, they were not doing well the last I checked.
They were down to like a super six and then people were getting murdered at some of them.
But I appreciate the call.
And there is something, you know, and I'm, there is something beautiful about, there's something beautiful about that.
There's something beautiful about fanhood and how it does, it carries generations.
I mean, one thing I remember about my own father was watching Saints games, and he got me into them.
And sometimes you're a fan because someone else in your family was.
It gives you a bridge there.
It gives you some sort of a connection.
You know, especially with fathers and sons, a lot of times there's not a ton, since men don't really relate to each other very emotionally, there's not a lot of opportunities for that emotional webbing between men and their sons.
So the fact that they can share a sports team together is huge.
And it really does, you know, there was nothing more that my grandfather wanted to see than the Cubs win.
You know, and he used to blow cigarette smoke in my face and cheat at cards when we were children.
He'd take a big hit off that Marlborough Red, or, you know, he'd be back there just blowing them Winstons, and he'd hit me with a big.
And when I couldn't see, or my eyes were burning, he would cheat at cards.
But he loved the Chicago Cubs.
And for most of my life, I've loved them.
You know, and when they won, I cried.
I cried because I didn't really cry.
You know, I cried some for me, but really, I cried for him probably.
You know, it just welled up in me that a lot of his life, this had been something he loved.
And that's one thing that's kind of beautiful about humanity is sometimes, you know, sometimes we carry out the dreams or the moments of those who went before us.
You know, and I guess that's kind of a neat thing where, I mean, that's kind of a neat rivet in who we are.
That's kind of an escape from our ego when we have moments like that.
You know, when something special happens and it's, yeah, we're there, we're happy there to see it, but really, you know, I'm the eyes of my grandfather at that point.
Or there's a little bit of him in my heart where I see, you know, I'm emoting, feeling emotion because he would be if he could be alive.
And there's a moment where there is you for you as a child in that super eight, you know, where you, you know, you see your father have feelings.
And sports will do that.
I guess it's, you know, it is, it's a unique, it's a unique, I don't want to say it's a conduit for our feelings, but it's a unique quilt, you know, that we find our space in and that connects a lot of people.
And fuck, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, dude.
Jesus Christ, bro.
I don't know if I'm retarded or not.
Oh!
Oh!
*Gunshot*
Man, my brain is just shitting the bed today.
It's just shitting the bed.
But sports does that sometimes.
It's the catalyst for behavior.
You know, it's a catalyst for connectivity.
It's a catalyst for, you know, it gives us a chance to compete against someone else or even to cheer our favorite competitors on.
You know, it's that it's such a conduit for a lot of our emotions.
You know, it really, really is.
But I appreciate that call, Jen.
I appreciate that call.
What else is going on?
Oh, I got this call that came in to me, and this is a question directed at me, and I'm going to get to this one.
I know I'm just kind of jumping through calls here, guys.
I don't know what's going on.
I'm just feeling weird today or what?
You know, I don't know.
It's Sunday.
I just, I don't know.
I don't feel that.
I don't know.
I mean, I feel like physically fine.
I just not, you know, just feeling whatever.
So let's keep this going.
Here we go.
What's going on, Theo?
This is Andre calling from Boston.
We had a question to ask you.
And this is Andre out of Boston hitting that hotline.
Here we go, Dre.
I noticed on your last podcast, you said you had a Latin fella doing your technical work or whatever.
Yeah, and that's Chris Perez out there.
And we got a Latino gentleman here doing that.
And he's a unique specimen.
He's pretty shy, but we might have him on soon.
Let's see.
Onward.
Do you consider yourself a Latin fella considering you're half Nicaraguan?
Because, I mean, I was born in America, and I'm Cuban and Chile.
My mother's from Chile.
My dad's from Cuba.
Damn, you that Chilean Cuban, huh?
Woo, boy.
Damn, you sound like a fancy order of fish at one of those nice restaurants, man.
That Chilean Cuban, dude.
Man, it sounds like I'd have, if I owned you, I'd have you in a tank, you know?
And that reminds me, actually, my sister and her husband have a bass in a tank at their house, right?
And it can't even turn around.
It's just in there, moving a little bit, because it's gotten so big it can't barely, you know, turn around in the tank, but it is in the tank.
Onward, Andre?
Onward?
Say your father's from Nicaragua, so do you consider yourself Latin American?
Because, I mean, you kind of come up with some stereotypical shit sometimes, and that's it's kind of ridiculous, bro.
I don't know.
Not that it matters, but I'm just curious.
Gang, gang, bro.
By law.
You know what I'm saying?
Do I consider myself Latin American?
I'll tell you this, man.
I'm going to tell you this.
My father was straight up about that Nicaragua.
And where are my NICARs at?
Where are my real NICAs?
And he, you know, he lived there till he was 14 and he came over to New Orleans or to America, United States of America.
And he used to talk a lot in Spanish, man.
I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about because I was a child, you know, and he was also, he was 70 when I was born.
So by the time we got to really talking, he's about 80. You know, so he coming in kind of with that 80-year-old perspective, you know, slanging that Espanol around the house.
And I didn't really get to feel him that much, you know, and feel that vibe of him.
You know, he took me one time to, I think, Puerto Vallarto.
One time he took me there to do something.
And he might have been involved in some shady activity, actually, because he used to go back and forth between Central America and America, Estados Unidros.
And I think he might have been involved in a little bit of shady shit.
And I don't know what an 80-year-old man can get involved in that shady.
You know, probably not drug muling or anything like that.
Maybe running a little bit of small bags of Coke or something.
I don't know.
But he was caught up in a little bit of the dark arts right there.
And I knew even as a child that something was, you know, a little bit wild going on.
But did I feel it?
No, because I didn't feel much from my father.
You know, I remember him, he told me, obviously, you know, he told me that I was a survivor.
He told me that I had the heart of a lesbian.
He always told me that since I was young, because I had that vibrant heart, you know, when I got hit by that trans am and survived it.
And he told me, you know, he told me that I'd be okay.
You know, I think he kind of started to kind of prepare me for the fact that he wasn't going to be around forever.
He got me into doing stand-up comedy, really.
When I think about it, my father used to be that guy.
He used to go to, you know, he was involved in some crazy shit.
And he, you know, he bought a Cutlass 88 off a couple of brothers and it had speakers in the back.
But he didn't mind the speakers because he was hard of hearing.
So he'd be rolling through the, you know, through the town and through our neighborhood and stuff, you know, with a couple of 12s in the back.
Just you know, just killing them.
There was some, whatever they were, 16s, I don't know what they were.
But he couldn't hear it.
But he had that bass.
So he'd be listening to like NPR or all these political talk shows, Rush Limbaugh or something, and just Paul Harvey.
You know, he had that.
And one of the speakers, I remember, was blown out and some Chinese food got stuck in it.
And he used to rattle, bro.
It sounded like a huge fucking rattlesnake in the back of that trunk.
And my dad had that, you know, and he had, you know, and he was still trying to make some money because him and my mother were always fighting.
He had to make some money to survive.
But did he, did I feel, you know, I remember kids in our neighborhood would call me a spick all the time because, you know, my brother and I and my sisters had, you know, kind of a little bit of tan skin.
And for our neighborhood, for our town, we had very tan skin.
You know, it was very, I mean, you almost, after us was just black.
You know, there wasn't a lot of middle grade going on.
So, and you didn't have a lot of mixed people back then.
You didn't have a lot of mulatto people.
You didn't have a lot of black-white people.
And some people get upset at these kind of terms.
Whatever, man.
You know what I'm talking about.
We didn't have a lot of people that were mixed.
It wasn't as popular then.
You know, you didn't have people with a black and a white parent or a black and a, you know, and those were, we only had a couple of ethnicities, you know.
So, you know, I didn't feel it.
You know, my father would tell me stories a lot about growing up.
You know, and he talked about they didn't have a lot of money growing up.
He talked about the poverty that was in the country.
You know, his family was down there.
They worked in a church and they were building a church.
And it might still be there.
I'm not sure.
I plan to go back sometimes.
But I think what it did do, it inspired me to do A couple of things.
You know, it's inspired me to try and learn Spanish.
It's inspired me to, I'd like to do a special in Spanish one day to be able to perform, you know, for people that catch that Latino vibe, you know, for anybody that's ever been Latino or anybody that's ever, you know, been kidnapped in, you know, Bolivia or somewhere or, you know, one of those drug countries or something like that or any, you know, a little bit of homage.
So it makes me think like that.
But, you know, I guess I've always felt maybe just a little bit obscure, a little bit different.
I know that when I speak Spanish, that it really comes out of me naturally.
You know, it comes out of me like it's supposed to be in me.
You know, it's like when you open up a tube of toothpaste and you see toothpaste in the tube and it makes sense to you.
That's how I feel about that Latin culture, that vibe, you know.
But I remember my father doing some shady shit, man, when I was young.
He'd be cooking fucking bananas in the front yard and shit like that.
You know, and some of it, you don't know how much of it was a Latino and how much of it was just the fact that he was in his 80s and he was starting to lose his mind and he had a griddle.
So it's a lot of mixed stuff going on.
But he, you know, he wrote for some newspapers down there.
And, you know, I guess so it's in my blood, I feel like it's in my nature.
And it's in my nurture.
I think it's in both of those things.
So that's what's up, man.
Yeah, I mean, I guess I do stay a little bit on the surface maybe on some stereotypical stuff.
But I would do some stuff for, you know, for another country, man.
I'd do something for my fellow Nicaraguans.
You know, I mean, I don't think I'd drug mule or anything.
You know, I mean, honestly, I'd probably, if I put a couple grams up my bum, I'd probably hope they bust so I'd get that free hit and it wouldn't count as relapsing, you know, or as, you know, as not being sober.
So I might, you know, poke the bag with a needle or something before I put that, you know, that sweet white unicorn up my butt ox.
But anyhow, it's a good question, man, and I appreciate it.
It's a good question.
I appreciate it.
What else, dude?
We got another couple of good calls that came in.
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All right, let's get into a little bit of stuff, man.
Here we go.
We got another call right here that came in, and I want to get to that now.
Here we go.
I just got a little problem going on.
My wife recently started drinking, like a couple weeks ago.
Okay, this gentleman called in, and I didn't get a name there, but his wife recently started drinking a couple weeks ago.
Moore?
Her first real night of getting hammered drunk, she wasn't with me.
She's with her cousin, and she ended up texting a boy that she used to hook up with.
Hmm.
So she just started drinking, and her first night of getting really drunk, she texted a boy she used to hook up with.
Moore?
I kind of just thought, whatever, whatever.
We'll just move on from here.
She was drunk.
But then last night on New Year's Eve, she got pretty drunk again at my brother's house.
We ended up having sex in the house, like, whatever.
Oh, you had sex at your brother's house, dude?
That's wild.
That's so tricky.
That's so goofy, dude, and silly.
Okay, more.
That's what husbands and wives do.
Then later, she ended up hooking up with my sister-in-law.
Wait, what is a sister-in-law?
That is your brother's wife?
No!
Dude, if you and your brother end up banging or dating, dude, or touching each other aggressively, that is crazy, bro.
And some places it's illegal.
Sometimes it's not illegal.
I think if you go on a boat and go off the coast a little bit, I think you have to be at least, you know, 300 yards out or something.
Moore?
After my brother went to bed, she just went downstairs with my sister-in-law.
Literally, she did.
Boom.
Had to put that one in there.
Moore?
They ended up cooking up, filling each other's private parts, you know.
Oh, yeah, dude.
Touching that little thermostat, bruh.
I know what you're talking about.
You know what I'm saying?
That kuda.
What's kind of bugging me is, isn't that something that every guy wants?
Like, his wife to be into chicks too, Anton?
But also, I feel like a little betrayed.
I'm just wondering what everyone thinks I should do about the situation or your thoughts on it?
Like, should I be bugged?
Should I just let it go?
How do I handle this situation?
That's a good question.
How would I handle the situation if my wife hooked up with my brother's wife?
Well, dude, I'll be out.
Look, here's how this is going to end up.
And this isn't advice, but this is just what's going to happen is it's going to end up that you guys are going to start expecting it.
And you guys are going to end up probably having sex with each other's wives or jerking off while they're hooking up somewhere.
And if you think there's a safe, and some people, it's not just going to end up where y'all are going to end up giggling about this during a game of UNO, you know, or playing four square together and laughing about it.
That's not going to happen.
What's going to happen is this is going to escalate.
And you're going to see these people a lot because it's your brother and his wife.
Unless something happens to them or something happens to you guys.
You know, unless there's a crime and you guys are victims of a crime or they are, you're going to continue to see them a lot.
And this stuff's going to escalate.
And next thing you know, dude, y'all are going to be buying toys and it's going to get, fuck, it's going to get exciting, honestly.
You know, and I wish, you know, my brother and his wife, they got a lot going on and I don't have a wife and it's, you know, and I don't know if I want, I don't want that for myself.
My family couldn't handle that.
But for you, it sounds like you're getting out there.
You know, and I don't know.
I mean, if people have thoughts, yeah, you guys can hit the hotline, 985-664-9503, and we'll get to it.
If you have thoughts for this gentleman, his wife has hooked up with his sister-in-law.
That's wild, brother.
That is wild.
Let's take one more call here, and this is from Andrea, I see right here.
Onward.
Hey, Theo.
This is Andrea from Arizona.
My question for you is...
More?
At your age, not seeing you're old or anything.
But at your age, do you feel like you need to be married and have kids?
Like, do you feel that type of pressure?
And do you even want that?
Just curious.
Oh, it's a good question.
You know, I do want, most of the time, I want children.
You know, most of the time.
I do worry that I wouldn't be able to handle it.
You know, I do worry that I would not be able to be faithful to my spouse.
I do worry that I would be caught in a situation where I am, you know, I have a family and things don't work out with the wife and then I have to let my kid down because his parents aren't married anymore.
So I think those are a lot of things that, you know, and that's fear.
A lot of that's just, you know, things that I fear.
That really scares me.
Some of those things.
I love children.
You know, I talked to my niece today and she auditioned to be in the school play in Louisiana.
And just hearing the excitement in her voice and what her life is like and how everything sounds like so big and how the little things are so important to her.
And just hearing a little person talk to you, you know, there's a lot of like little joys there.
You know, I want to be able to make sure that I'm healthy enough to make sure my kids have an emotionally stable environment.
And some people had called in a few weeks ago about some of that kind of stuff, about things you could instill in your son if you had a son for a woman that was about to have her second kid.
A lot of people called in and had some suggestions for her.
But yeah, I would like it.
You know, I would like it.
I think I just have some fears.
You know, and sometimes I still don't want to grow up.
That's the hard part.
You know, and I don't know how much of that, of me not wanting to grow up is just my fear like reshaping itself and representing itself to me as that.
You know, my fear of commitment.
Like, I don't know.
All of that could just be the same thing.
It just keeps reshaping and showing up again.
But it's tough, you know, it's tough.
It's tough.
You know, I live in an environment here in Los Angeles.
There's not a lot of examples of that.
So to go and do that and get healthy in that way in a healthy relationship and healthy marriage, it's obtuse for what's happening out here.
So you just, I'm not saying that that's wrong or anything, but you have a lot of examples of that's not what's happening.
But I think there's an ideal inside of me that I would love to have a, you know, a loving wife that I am able to love and support.
I'd like to have some children, you know, that feel connected to me.
Not that just, you know, that it seems like I'm connected, but really that I can connect with and that they know that I care.
And, you know, and I'd like to be able to have a home where, you know, maybe do some foster family.
I mean, I think about a lot of stuff like that.
You know, and I know that I have enough love inside of me for that kind of stuff.
I just don't know.
Sometimes if I can fend off my own dark arts, you know, and my own, you know, hold myself together enough to get through it.
But I'm hopeful.
You know, I'm hopeful and I hope that if I stay in a, you know, in environments where I'm learning from other men and thinking about this kind of stuff and answering questions like this, that, you know, I will, that my brain and heart will, you know, continue to get to know each other better and find a comfortable ground where they are sure and confident that they'll be able to get me through not just me, but my family through those times.
You know, a lot of it's ego.
I just, you know, my ego is dangerous.
My ego can be dangerous.
And I got to get my self-worth a little bit better.
You know, I mean, that's one of my problems sometimes, I feel like, you know, is that some of the both of those things.
And it's crazy to have one at the same time as the other.
You know, to have like a to have like a, you know, bit of egomania and an inferiority complex at the same time.
You know, but that's sometimes where my brain is, man.
It'll, you know, it's just, it's a little mixed up, but it's evening out.
But I appreciate that question and I appreciate the episode.
I appreciate you guys being here.
Everything.
I felt like this episode was all over the place, but sometimes they are.
What's going on with me?
Not much else.
Anything else I got to do?
Just tell you guys thank you.
And just let you guys know that I'll see you this Thursday.
And also subscribe on YouTube.
If you haven't subscribed, go ahead and subscribe.
When we get to 30,000 subscribers, I'm going to put out a new comedy clip that you guys haven't seen.
And I'll probably also put it out one day if we don't get there, but I'd like to get there.
Continue to hit the hotline if you have any thoughts about this episode.
985-664-9503.
You guys be good to yourselves.
You probably deserve it.
Oh, am I tired?
What am I?
You would know what I am, I'll just...
Celebrate living.
Celebrate misery.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
But thank you guys for being here with me today.
I think I needed to be a ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweet.
Easy to you.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Charmaine.
Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no!
Oh.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
