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Bang bang You know it It's that old familiar thing It's that screen door on that front porch You know where you are brother You
know where you are sister your home Celebrate dark days oh man, thank you guys for being here with me today.
Happy Monday morning to you and it is Monday and it is February 5 in the year 2018 and we are here in the in outer space Can you believe that?
We're in outer space right now and everybody's always talking about you know meet me at the mall or you know GPS dude We are in outer space We are astronauts You realize that we are astronauts right now So if you meet somebody and they seem like they might be a little bit foreign They might be an alien and
I'm not talking about an illegal alien or illegal I'm not talking about anything like that.
I'm talking about if you meet somebody and they got this crazy look in their eyes and they seem like something wild is going on like they're picking their nose but from the inside of their body without even using their fingers if they seem geeked up like the universe is just you know just just just just tickling a feather against the back of their brain stem then maybe they're an alien I
mean it's not that far-fetched to think that there could be aliens amongst us why because we live in outer space guys that's why and if you were an alien and you came here would you tell everybody would you tell everybody you're an alien probably not you know you probably wouldn't that's the first you know right there I caught it you probably wouldn't tell anybody you're an alien
or at least in the past you wouldn't I think these days now now you might tell people oh yeah I am an alien because now it's like it's like the me generation you know now you'd be at a party and you'd have you know a couple gin and tonics and next thing you know you're over in the you know you're over in the corner showing you know showing a one of your neighbors your freaking tentacle dick or whatever you know or showing your you know how your nipples can light up you know you'd be so
there's now I think if we're going to know if there are aliens amongst us we will know it soon because I don't think that people can keep secrets as well as they used to and maybe that's just me being you know a little bit outlandish but I believe that I don't I don't think we can keep secrets as well as we used to there's not a lot of sacredity anymore you know things aren't as sacred and I know secret doesn't then go to sacred I know that's not how it goes you know I know that those two words aren't connected but
in a way they they are it's you know there's not a lot of secrets anymore everything's out there you know all the information it's all out there you know and they say knowledge is power and I think it is but I also think some of it's just you can go on with them facts Jack why don't you put your facts back in a bag and go on back down this mountain because we don't want all that around here and I'm not saying that I don't want to be informed but
I just want to say at a certain point for me where information starts to beat down on my imagination you know where I can't even you know where imagining isn't even as fun adios amigos or adios migos if you're listening to them rap boys because that's where I'm at Super Bowl is on I ran into if I met Gerard Butler got to talk to him the other night at the comedy store so you know sometimes things are planned
sometimes God have plans or a higher power have plans for you and that's what happened because I know in the past I'd planned on meeting on meeting Gerard Butler and then I didn't get to meet him and here he was bam him and his buddy his boy Freddie and they popped out and said what's up to you boy and we chatted for a while and it was a good conversation we're gonna talk about the super bowl i here's what here's what I'm doing I just watched the first quarter and then I decided I'm gonna start podcasting and for
me man out the gate this bowl wasn't as I wasn't feeling as into this Super Bowl I don't know if anybody else felt that way it didn't feel it didn't feel like the Super Bowl to me you know I'm sitting there and I'm like man this is a Super Bowl this is it just didn't feel super it felt like a regular bowl and that's kind of the vibe that I got it felt like a regular bowl to me I was like oh is this this it felt like a regular game and
and I don't know first I wondered well maybe we're so used to things happening so fast now that the two-week delay between the championship NFC and AFC championship and the actual Super Bowl that that's gotten to the point where it's too long that was one of my first thoughts like you know because there comes a time like there's a lot there's a there's a point where everything jumps a shark you know like those beats by dre headphones remember those three years ago
with the big the wide headphones they're similar to the one there's they're similar they're similar to the ones that i have on on the youtube they're similar to the ones that i have on the youtube if you can see the youtube you know these beats by dre um but they were the big headphones right they were the coolest thing and then about three or four months ago i looked at somebody with them on and i was like that those are done that's those are over you start seeing things like that like uh those are that's not a thing anymore those are over
and that and that's just part of what the the how culture is it evolves you know and suddenly it's something's over and i I just felt like that.
Like, maybe that's the thing.
Like, maybe this two weeks is just too long.
You got too many other things that can happen.
And our attention spans have gotten so short that that two weeks is just not.
Now, also, I could have still been butt hurt because my Saints, my New Orleans Saints, gave up one of the greatest plays in American history and probably in world history to the Minnesota Vikings.
And that's what happened.
But I stopped it at the first quarter, and I decided to come and podcast.
So I got to change the batteries in my headphones right now.
But we got a good cast, man.
We had that gentleman called in last week, Mickey.
On Thursday's episode, we had sweet Mickey called in, and he's terminally ill.
You know, he have two bad lungs in his body.
And the Lord or the devil or somebody gave him some bad lungs.
And that's not up to us.
We didn't do it.
But he's got them, you know.
He's got them.
And so we had a lot of callers call in and have suggestions for him.
And so we're going to get into some of that in a little bit.
Not yet.
Not yet, man.
I want to tell you guys about meeting Sweet Gerard.
So I met Sweet Gerard Butler.
And man, I'll say this, you know, I'm a heterosexual adult.
You know, and I would say if you chop me open and divided up and divided me up into 100 pieces, I would say probably 97 of those pieces would be heterosexual.
And 3% of those pieces might be getting wild, you know, being naughty.
You know what I'm saying?
Peeking around the roller rink.
Seeing who might have a little bit of bulge in their forefront and their trousers.
But that doesn't mean I would try anything wild.
That just means I might have that double vision.
That doesn't mean I want to do anything sexual.
It just might see, it might be that I see a man's tricep, you know, in the distance and say, dang, oh, he armed up, you know?
You know what I'm saying?
He armed up.
And so that's just all it is, you know.
He could get out of a pool easy without using the ladder.
You know what I'm saying?
Because that boy tried up.
He got them T Seps, them triceraceps.
And he out the pool like that without even using the ladder.
Just like a damn seal.
You know, just like a damn, just like an otter that's trying to get risque and get out of the pool and take his chances sipping on air.
You know, and I don't even know if otters just, if they sip on water or not or breathe water.
Some animals breathe water.
Breathe water.
But anyhow, but I'm just saying, so that's where I'm at inside of myself, you know.
Now, who knows?
You know, when I get older, 70, 80, I might be out there.
You know what I'm saying?
I might be out there gumming down on some straight up street wiener or whatever or local.
It doesn't matter.
What I'm saying is it doesn't matter, okay?
But I'm saying I saw Gerard Butler and the man have beautiful eyes, okay?
He has, first of all, he could have one eye and be, and you wouldn't even notice.
That's how handsome the dude is.
He could have, because every time you see a one-eyed dude, you're like, damn.
You know?
You try to pretend like they don't have one eye, but they have one eye.
And it's hard.
You're like, do I look like, because it's not the normal.
Usually when you look into somebody's eyes, your eyes kind of zoom in with theirs and y'all are eyed up.
Eye to eye, they call it.
It's an old saying.
But now, when you catch somebody and they got that patch and they patched up, your eyes don't know what to do.
And then your eyes start getting all crazy.
And you're like, do I look at there?
Do I look there?
It's kind of like no whammies, no whammies.
And it's, but Gerard Butler, I'm just saying this, the man have two beautiful eyes.
Beautiful eyes, dude.
And you're thinking, yeah, whatever, I've seen blue eyes.
Dude, his eyes, I'm telling you this, man.
I'm telling you this.
From a straight man for the most part until I'm 70 or 80 when I might get out there and meet a man.
But I don't know that.
And you don't know that.
And it's okay if I do or if you do, if you get out there and meet a man when you're older, after you've already had a wife and had a family.
You know what I'm saying?
You've done your due diligence.
You've done your job as a father and as a husband.
And if you get out and about, you know, and you out there skeeting out with some, you know, fella at the senior center or whatever.
That's whatever you want.
But what I'm saying is this, that Gerard Butler, he could have an eye patch on you wouldn't even notice.
That's how handsome the dude is, right?
He probably is, the dude is 100% handsome.
100% handsome.
And he was cool as could be, man.
He came out.
His buddy came out.
We started chatting.
We swapped information.
He said he was a fan.
He'd seen me about six weeks ago or whatever.
Right before I was on the Fighter and the Kid podcast, I went in, and that's when I saw Gerard Butler at the comedy store.
And they're like, Gerard Butler's in the back of the room.
And I was a little bit nervous, but then I just, you know what I'm saying, I let out.
Because on stage, I'm trying not to be about my nerves anymore.
It's time to shine.
You know, it's time to shine.
But then he came out, man.
We chatted on the front porch for a while.
It was cool.
And then it was Pauli Shore's birthday last week.
It was the same night.
And Pauli Shore, man, he turned 50. You know, beautiful man, Pauli Shore.
And they had a lot of deviant, just they had a lot of wild human animals out at this party.
And they had a lot of porn stars and, you know, people with them fancy crotches and, you know, vulvas that can juggle and all of that.
They had all them girls out there with them juggling vulvas and all of that.
And everybody was out there.
And that was at the comedy store and they had a band and some girls on stage singing horrible karaoke.
This girl was so bad.
And people were like, oh my God, what's this girl doing up there?
And then I heard some other girl say, oh, it's probably Just some gal that blew Paulie for some stage time, and that made me laugh because the truth is, it probably was.
And it was a great time, man.
And it was nice to see.
I mean, Paulie Shore grew up in the comedy store.
Can you imagine, dude?
If I'm there for three or four hours, man, you could get anything you want at the comedy store.
You could get joy.
You could get pain.
You could start a family.
You could buy, you know what I'm saying?
You could gram up if you need a couple grams of this or that.
And I'm not naming chemicals.
So if you're thinking of something, then you can think about what you want.
But it's that kind of place, you know?
It's that forbidden kitten.
And you go there and you put both your hands out and you pet that poisé.
You feel me?
Because that's the kind of place it is.
It's that forbidden kitten.
And whatever your forbidden kitten is, you can get out there at the comedy store and you can catch that cat.
Because that's the kind of place it is.
But good to be here, man.
I made myself some coffee.
Dude, I went to the, you know, right by my place over here.
I live in Los Angeles.
And right by my place over here in Los Angeles, they have a graveyard where Marilyn Monroe is buried.
And now Hugh Hefner is finally in the wall next to her.
And that had been like, I think he bought her a grave site a long time ago or something.
They'd planned to be buried right next to each other.
And I've been there a bunch, you know, probably about 10 times over my existence here in Los Angeles.
And finally, I get over there and both of them are, they were both, you know, shelved in the wall.
It's that mausoleum style.
And both of them are shelved up in the wall.
And it's pretty cool.
Yeah, I wonder if in the future, like whenever they have graves, like if you go to a cemetery, if they'll just have like a thing where you rub your phone over it and it shows you who it is and a video maybe even that they get to leave.
That'd be wild, huh?
I think about that kind of stuff sometimes, you know, about the future or, you know, I used to think a lot about, I used to have a lot of visions and stuff about things that could happen.
Like when I was young, I used to think that at one point they would have a disc or something you would put in your car, but the band, they would have a hologram of the actual artist, whatever musician it was, and the artist would perform on your dashboard.
So while you were driving, they would have these holograms performing.
You know, it could be anybody.
It could be damn, you know, Chris Cross.
It could be, you know, Gerald Lavert, Holland Oates, Lyle Lovett.
It could be anything.
Sting, Steven Seagal.
It could be anybody performing on your dashboard.
And I used to have ideas of that and visions of that.
But yeah, man, I met Gerard Butler.
He was beautiful and he was cool, man, you know.
And I'm not saying I'm trying to wind up on Gerard.
I'm not trying to be like that.
And they call him Jerry.
One of his buddies called him Jerry.
I'm like, damn, bro, that's Jerry.
That's fucking two-eyed Jerry right there.
I mean, this guy had portals to the nether sphere.
He could be an alien.
Gerard Butler could be an alien.
You know, when it's like, are there aliens out there?
A lot of questions already in the air, guys.
Are there aliens out there?
You know?
Do Gerard Butler need two eyes?
Dude, I'm just telling you, man, I'm not trying to be wild.
You know, when I was growing up, I had a friend that he had nice blue eyes and I always was jealous.
Because look, let's be honest.
Blue-eyed people are doing well.
You don't see a fucking homeless dude with blue eyes.
You know what I'm saying?
You don't see some out there, dude out there, you know, jaying out behind the Shonis, you know.
Some guy self-skeeting in a van out there by himself out there outside of a widespread panic concert.
You know, all hopped up on ecstasy or something and fucking a damn grilled cheese sandwich in a van.
One of those vans with a ladder on it.
Where's the ladder go?
What the fuck?
Talk about hooking a ridiculous accoutrement to something.
Hey, here's a van.
How can we make it look cooler?
Let's put a fucking ladder on the side of it.
Guess what?
You go up the ladder?
You're on top of a van, you idiot.
Why don't we hook a water purifier on the side?
That's cool.
You know what I'm saying?
Why don't we put a paper towel machine on the side?
Right?
In case you're having one of those crazy days where you got wet hands and you're standing outside of a van.
You know, some of the shit they put on there.
We don't need all of this.
Let's put a soap dispenser on the side of the van.
Actually, that's kind of cool.
Because if you milling around a van a little bit too much, dude, you can, you know what I'm saying?
You wouldn't be surprised if you came in a little bit dirty.
We tried something a little different this week, man.
I decided to not have, you know, usually I got Shy Chris Perez, and that's the, you know, my Latino sidekick who's here affiliating and helping out.
And I got Corey Kaz, who does the editing.
And I got Bud Galloway, who came to fix the studio up this week and make it bigger, which he did.
Also, he didn't clean up anything, and he hit all the cables.
So basically took me fucking two hours to set this shit up.
But what am I going to do?
Try and be grateful.
That's it.
Be happy that at least anybody wants to come and help out and be a part of things.
That's it.
You know, because I'm not going to be an alien to myself.
I'm not going to be an alien in my own life.
You know, when I start getting just holding too much regret or too much judgment, oh, that's when I feel my inner alien key up.
You know?
And that's when I want to climb up that van ladder.
Maybe there is a good point, you know, when you're just standing outside of a van and you're just, you're like, fuck, man.
I can't take it just, you know, being outside of this van anymore.
I'll see you motherfuckers later.
And then it's just like.
And you're just on top of the van.
Whatever, man.
That's what's been going on.
But I met Gerard Butler, beautiful two-eyed Jerry.
They called him two-eyed Jerry.
They had a train hit another train in Amtrak.
And I'll say this, man.
That's the risk you take on the track, baby.
And I hate to say that, you know, but that's the risk you take on the track.
And I've been on Amtrak, man.
And they had a dude on there one time I remember could something was in his eye socket.
He could take a, he could put a cigarette, a lit cigarette, you know, in that, in between his eye and that eye meet that's right under your eye.
And he could inhale it that way.
And that was wild.
And we would watch him do that at night.
Me and my brother, we used to take that train from Hammond, Louisiana, all the way up to Chicago, Champaign, Urbana.
And my grandfather would pick us up up there.
And then he would drive us over to my grandparents' house where we would spend some time.
And then my grandparents didn't want me to come anymore, and they just wanted my brother to come.
And so, but that's life.
You know, sometimes your grandparents don't want you.
You know, what are we going to do, bro?
We're going to move onward.
That's it.
But that game is rocking right now.
That game is rocking.
So I think here's what I'm thinking.
I'm going to do it.
I'm going to think I'm going to check in with the game real quick.
You're not going to notice because I'm going to be right back and I'm going to watch a little bit more.
Now, when I folded out of the game, it was 9 to 3. Somebody had missed an extra point, and that was Philadelphia.
And Philadelphia is that city of brotherly love, you know, and it's very much like New Orleans.
They got that vibe.
You know, they got that African-American culture.
They got that black vibe.
They got that, you know, real things are happening.
People's out on the streets living life.
You know, they got some good food.
They got some gunplay.
You know, you got a lot of whites hiding in the distance.
You know, it's similar, similar, similar city work.
Now, it doesn't have, Philadelphia is more like that, you know, they got that historical kind of aspect.
I think Thomas Jefferson up there.
Who else from Philadelphia?
Probably damn.
Who else would be from Philadelphia?
Fuck, I don't know, man.
Somebody else.
Other people, you know.
But it's a wild city, and I know they're excited, dude.
I went to this party one time in Philadelphia at night, and it was a bar, but it was like in a house.
It was pretty bizarre.
And they would stop the music, not joking, between every song and do the Eagles fight song, whatever it was.
And Lord knows if somebody did see an Eagle up there in Philadelphia, they'd shoot that bitch down and eat it.
I mean, and that's, I mean, you know, I'm amazed that that's still their mascot.
You know, I'm sure, I'm surprised it's not the TV dinner.
You know what I'm saying?
But they said up in Philly, man, they had these dudes was like trying to get me to hook up with one of their friends, you know, this girl.
And they're like, yeah, man, take home, whatever.
I don't know what her name was, Sheila or something, or Shayla.
Take home Shayla.
You know, she's a real slam pig.
And that, I guess, meant somebody who was sexually active.
Somebody that's a slam pig.
And I never thought about, I never even heard of that.
You know, somebody being a slam pig and somebody being sexually active like that.
But here's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to check in on that game.
You're not going to notice.
I'm going to be right back in just a second, and I'll be able to update on how I felt so far in the game.
But so far, here's what I felt.
I felt like it didn't feel like the Super Bowl to me.
This is after the first quarter.
I'm excited to see Tom Brady out there.
That feels exciting.
I thought that long shot that Philadelphia took into the end zone out the gate, that was exciting because you see some of these young quarterbacks, even though Foles isn't brand new, but you see these guys get in there and they get nervous.
And you see Tom Brady out there and they just had a video of him kissing his son, which I think is fine.
I think you don't see enough of that.
I mean, it might have been a little wild because Tom was laying down.
That's the part that made it wild.
But I think if you want to kiss your son a little bit, that shit was a little bit Roman, really.
That shit got a little bit ancient Rome on me.
You know, it had that Targerian.
They was looking a little Targerian there suddenly when his son leaned down and kissed him.
And it looked a little bit like the father was in a, like Tom Brady had died.
There was a lot of things going on there for me when I saw that video.
And if you haven't seen that video, it's Tom Brady kisses his son.
His son comes over and kisses him, and he said, it's not enough.
He said, that's not enough.
I want that championship kiss.
And look, dude, if my dad, I'll be honest with you, my father never won shit, dude.
And actually, he borrowed, I remember about 70 bucks off of me when he died, right before he died.
And when you, 70 bucks off of a damn 16-year-old or 14-year-old or whatever, that's, I mean, hell, that was probably 70% of my retirement.
You know, and he and he borrowed that money off of me.
And look, I'm just saying, if my, like, I'm just saying this.
If Tom Brady's my dad, dude, I would kiss him.
Man, I would have kissed that dude, bro.
I might even kiss him on the neck a little bit, you know, and not even sexually, just like, fuck, this is my dad, you know?
Just like Russell, it's like, you know, when you got them hitters out there, there's something different about them.
I mean, that's like Russell Crowe.
If I were him, I'd wear sunglasses because somebody would steal one of that dude's fucking eyeballs.
Like, that's the thing.
If I ran up on Russell Crowe, man, and I had a piece on me or something, you know, man, I ain't taking a damn, I ain't taking his wallet.
I fucking pull that piece out, put it up by his dome, and say, give me that eyeball.
You know what I'm saying?
Fucking spit that bitch into a cup, Jerry.
You know?
What did I call him?
Russell Crawley, Jerry Butler, man, Gerard.
Spit that, you know what I'm saying?
I don't know if your eye socket can spit something out, but spit that eyeball into a cup, Jerry.
Because I'm auctioning this bitch off the internet.
And then fast forward years later, I'm on a train on an Amtrak and I see a guy in the corner smoking a cigarette out of his eye socket, empty eye socket, and it's Gerard Butler showing out, showing his new skills.
Because when you're a man like that, I don't think you fade fast.
I think some heroes have hero built into them.
You know, and that reminds me, I saw John Mayer the other night at the comedy store.
And I know I'm name-dropping in this episode, but it's just crazy.
I got into a conversation with him.
We talked For about eight minutes, and I'm not bragging, I'm not fucking whatever.
You know, John Mayer's a wildcat.
I mean, I'm envious of probably some parts of his life, I'm certainly envious of his brain, I'm envious of his music style, probably most of his life.
Dude, is also tall, you know.
But I have a funny story about John Mayer.
So this was about, let me see, 12 years ago I was working as a tour manager.
And that's basically where you just, you carry the guitar and drive around a musician.
And it just so happened that the musician was a friend of mine.
This actually might have been about 14 years ago.
And the musician was a friend of mine.
His name was Josh Kelly.
And so next thing you know, you know, I'm driving Josh all around the country.
And he hired me as his tour manager because I was his friend.
And we had a great mutual friend.
Anyway, so next thing I mean, on that tour, we met John Mayer because John's music was coming out the same time as Josh's was.
They were just both breaking as artists.
And then we met John Mayer, and a lot of my friends, I was at a party, and that's where I met John Mayer at.
And I had been listening to John Mayer's music because I was listening to all these breaking artists at the time.
So I see him at this party.
I know who he is.
A lot of my friends who were at the party did not know.
He wasn't the John Mayer that people know about now, you know, as popular.
And so I was like, and I met him there.
Anyway, fast forward, 11, 12 years, I'm at the comedy store one night, and John Mayer and Jeff Ross are friends.
And he comes walking around the corner, and I just like bump kind of chest to chest with him.
And I was like, hey, John, I was like, I met you.
And before I could finish, he goes, I met you on Lafayette Street.
He said, yeah, and that's where I'd met him at.
I'd met him about 12 years earlier on Lafayette Street.
And here he just remembered it.
You know, he got that wild brain.
Some people have that.
They got that hero circuit board.
He could be an alien.
Now, I wouldn't put it past John Mayer to be an alien.
And I don't mean that in like a negative, you know, a negative alien or something.
You know, I just mean that as a basic regular alien.
Because he, I mean, the man has a lot of skills.
You know, I've seen him do stand-up comedies.
Pretty, you know, he does a good job with that.
But he just has that brain, you know.
He has that, he's got that, you know, he's got that brain that's on that next level.
You know, he's like, we're all using a push mower and he's running on a weed whacker.
He's just got one of those wild brains.
And I think if there were aliens amongst us, that's probably what they would have.
You know, because that would go under the radar.
You know, if you see something out in the distance, you know, with four arms, I mean, we already shoot things with antlers.
So even if something shows up with an antler, it's fucking clocklock, you know?
It's taking a fucking couple slugs to the dome, you know what I'm saying?
It's all of a sudden, for every, you know, buck or wildebeest out there, it's, you know, every night is Detroit.
Every night is Detroit.
Or every night is Chicago or New Orleans for them, for those animals, because they could get pop-popped all the time.
But anyhow, he has that brain.
He just remembered, you know.
And then we talked the other night for a little bit, and we just talked about dating and relationships and that kind of thing.
But anyhow, just a crazy week, man.
That's just, you know, and that was this weekend.
That was Thursday and Friday night.
And that was this weekend.
But I'm going to check in on the game.
I'll be back in a second.
You won't notice.
And I'm back.
Wow.
So that was that halftime show.
That's what I saw up until.
And some good offense out there, man.
The game's looking pretty tight.
You know, Philadelphia just looks fearless out there.
Like, they don't look like there's a lot of intimidation, you know, that these are the Patriots.
You can see the Patriots age a little bit showing.
I mean, Brady still is, I mean, the guy is 6'700.
You know, so he's throwing from, you know, it's like throwing from the second floor of a building.
So he have that, you know, that ability.
Even when he's throwing downfield, it's like he's throwing, it's like he's throwing downhill all day.
You know, he can throw a 30-yard pass and it's downhill.
You know, he just has that, you know, he's got that ability.
You know, and that's what happened when you suck, when you get that little lip lock from your son, you get that extra ability, I bet.
He got that son love in him.
He's got that vibe, you know.
And I saw the halftime show and it was good, man.
I thought it was good.
I thought that Timberlake just really, you know, he's like the closest thing we got to a black guy, I think, as white people.
You know, I used to think it was Michael Rappaport, but he's, it's not him.
I think Timberlake's the closest, you know, when I was young, it was Rappaport was kind of that guy.
You remember he was in a lot of, you know, he always played the black-white guy, or the white guy in a lot of black shows.
But Timberlake's, you know, he's the closest thing that we got.
I think he's the closest thing that we got.
I thought he did a great job of just entertaining, and I thought he heated up as it went on.
You know, he started off.
He seemed a little bit, he looked, you know, he seemed however old he was.
And by the time he got to the end, I'm like, damn, this boy, he might be about 14 now.
You know, dude, if he keeps, if he performs for another five minutes, he's going to end up back on the Mickey Mouse Club.
You know, because he was just, he was running on a lot of good cylinders there.
So that's it, man.
That's all I got, really, about that.
You know, the game's still going on.
Hold on.
A little bit of our intro music popping in.
The game's still going on, and I'll check back in in a little bit.
But Philadelphia was up by, I think, 8 or 10. Yeah, so let's get back into it, man.
We're going to crack into some of these calls in just a minute, but I wanted to give you guys a state of the podcast address.
And that's just basically kind of like what's going on with the podcast, where we're at, and what's cracking.
Overall, things are going really good, you know.
I want to say that 100%.
You know, the listenership is up.
We're getting, you know, we're up to like a decent number.
We'd love to get to try to get to, you know, more subscribers on YouTube.
But I wanted to talk to you about some of the stuff that's kind of going on and some of the stuff that's going to be happening, you know.
And really, it's just trying to get back to the simplicity of when the show started.
And that's something I wanted to do this week was just kind of, you know, just be here by myself doing it because that's really what it's all about.
And I wanted to thank you guys for your support and for, you know, just for, you know, a lot of calls, a lot of guys calling in about some real things that are going on.
And it helps me stay grounded and helps me think about, you know, people's lives outside of my own.
Because that's when I'm the best as a person I find when I'm not thinking about myself.
Because, you know, I have that infection.
I have that infection of ego.
And it's built into us.
And that infection makes me think about myself a lot of times.
You know, so I just want to let you guys know that this is going to continue to be a safe place.
I'm going to get back in and check in the voicemails again so that I know exactly who's calling in and what's going on.
It's a buddy of mine's brother.
Sorry, my phone's hooked up.
You know, and we're going to keep, you know, a lot of guys were here whenever we started.
You know, a lot of those OGs, you know, Tom from North Carolina, one-legged pat, JP, animal guy.
You know, he's going to be calling back in.
I just got a picture.
He sent me a picture yesterday of his stepdaddy kind of, you know, getting into an argument with an alligator, a small alligator or a fucking strong lizard, one or the other.
Rico from New Hampshire, you know, everybody.
Jimmy Diamora, who sent in, who sent in a lot of audio for us to check out.
Anybody that submitted music, Jesse Lucero.
You know, Starlight Stevie, who sent that stuff in last week, who sent that hitter in last week.
You know, the YouTubers, Johnson 543, Johnson 543.
Anybody, just anybody.
I'm just saying people who've been apart, we're going to keep, you know, we want to keep that localized vibe.
So that's some of the goal.
Trying to get to 50,000 subscribers.
You know, we have some goals in the big picture.
You know, what out?
And then to continue to try to do new stuff.
You know, I had the studio is a little bit bigger.
You guys can't see it, but we're going to try to have a guest on and just see how that feels.
You know, I mean, I still get nervous sometimes just talking to somebody.
So to talk to somebody and do it in front of other people, you know, it's baby steps for me, some of this stuff.
But, you know, to try to continue to do this past Thursday every week to do a follow-up because there's been some cool stuff, you know.
Some cool men and women out there calling in with stuff that's going on in their lives and us being able to discuss it as a group.
So I just want to let you guys know that that's kind of what's going on.
And really, all that it is is not much.
You know, just trying to stick with the same thing.
By the end of the year, I'd love to have all my own equipment that we own.
And I want to thank everybody on Patreon who helps out and supports there.
You know, that money, I mean, you know, as soon as this freaking lens comes in, because some assholes who are selling lenses out there aren't doing shit on the up and up.
Because I've gotten, you know, I've ordered these lenses and they haven't come in, so we can't activate the second camera yet.
But, you know, it's trial and error.
And I want to thank Gray Block Pizza because they've been there, you know, and they've been supportive all year.
And I'm just really grateful because it's things like that that are helping us.
And by the end of the year, maybe be in a studio, being in an actual, you know, an on-site location, an on-site location somewhere where we can do some real gang gang type stuff, you know, 420 Gucci gang all day.
So you know that.
So that's some things that are going on.
And that's just the state of the podcast address.
And really, it's just a thank you for you guys' support.
Thank you, Gray Block.
Thank you, everybody.
Here we go.
So let's get into it, man.
You know, I already told you guys what happened this past weekend, man.
I ran across a lot of straight-up superstars who could be aliens, who have that ability.
You know, like, what if somebody came?
What if some, you know, you got a message one day in your inbox and it said that you were an alien?
Could you handle it?
Seriously, man.
Some of y'all are like, what the fuck's Theo talking about?
I'll tell you what the fuck I'm talking about, dude.
I'm talking about real shit.
I'm talking about things that could be possible, man.
You don't think, I mean, look at us.
We're in space, Brosy.
And chick and ladies, we're in space.
You don't think somebody out here could be milling around as a fucking alien?
Walking around at night by themselves?
Fucking drinking gasoline and chocolate milk?
And they could probably do crazy stuff, hide inside their own ass.
Who knows?
I've seen crazier shit, man.
You know?
I've seen crazy shit.
Dude, I knew a blind kid that could fucking jump high.
And I used to fight him.
And so until you've been through shit like that, when you go through stuff like that, you start to believe what's possible out there.
You go fight a blind kid that could jump high, dude.
He's got the aggression of a bullverine.
And that's a bull and a wolverine, you ass.
And I'm sorry to get heated, man, but I think the one thing that if we did have aliens now, they would admit it.
They would say, I'm an alien.
Aliens in the past, no.
There would be hunt.
People would hunt them, pitchfork them.
You know, people, I mean, fucking some people can't even, you know, talk to somebody who drinks Pepsi if they're a Coke drinker.
So, you know, 20 years ago, people couldn't have handled somebody, you know, slipping them off to the side and saying, guess what?
Daddy's on that alien tip, you know.
You know, daddy's out there at night fucking snorting stardust, dude.
And eating fucking pieces of glass in the garage, you know, because, you know, because the orb in the distance says he has to.
We couldn't handle it.
But now, if an alien were here, I think not only would we handle it, you know, he'd be like, I mean, he would just probably, he'd be like The Rock.
He'd be like Dwayne The Rock Johnson, but he would have, you know, he'd have millions of Twitter followers and Instagram followers and everything.
He would just have fans now.
And if he was an alien now, he would admit it.
He'd be like, look, I'm an alien, you know, so give me all the free shit.
I'm awesome, you know?
But let's get into the rest of the podcast, man.
Let's get into the rest of it.
We had Mickey call in, dude.
So many great calls came in from my boy Mickey.
Sweet Mickey, boy.
And Mickey's out there running down.
His lungs are run down.
And so we're going to listen a little bit of Mickey right here.
Take a hit off of Mickey.
Hey, yo, Theo, man.
This is Mickey calling from Seattle.
So here's my situation, man.
I'm 30 years old, and I'm currently at the end stage of a lung disease.
Now, my current lungs don't have very long left.
Probably about two and a half years.
Hopefully, we can stretch them out.
So like, you know, and this came in on Thursday's episode.
I'm just playing it against case some of you guys didn't hear it.
Mickey got them empty hitters, man.
You ever had a gallon of milk and it gets to the end and you're shaking it like that, just see how much milk is still in there?
And that's where Mickey's at.
You know, onward?
The silver lining is that I'm going to be soon on the lung transplant list.
I'm hoping.
I'm going to get listed, which will give me a few more years to figure this whole thing out.
That's what I'm saying.
So Mickey's trying to get that time.
And I texted with Mickey the other day, you know, and he said he appreciated, you know, how we discussed it last week on the cast and that we had a good time.
And we, you know, we just talked openly about what's going on, you know, about what's going on with his life and he's on the, you know, that he's running light on air.
Because we've all been somewhere.
We've all been running a little bit light on something, you know.
But Mickey's got them ticking, he's got them tickers in him.
And those things are just tick-tocking the whole time.
And so he's hoping to get on that transplant list.
And I know that that's a special moment, man, when that happens, that you get on that list and you have that hope.
And we're certainly going to wish that for you.
And I even texted Mickey.
I said, look, man, we'll try to find you a lung through the podcast, you know?
Because there's been some callers out there.
Fucking my boy JP down in Alabama, he's only have one leg.
So he probably wouldn't, you know, I'm not putting words in his mouth, you know, but he probably wouldn't mind, you know, coming in on fucking, you know, one fucking, you know, air tit.
You know what I'm saying?
That lung.
Let's hear a little more, Mickey.
And it's been a really difficult time, and I've been single through it.
My question to you, man, is during this difficult time that's really ruined my confidence, I wanted to ask you and the viewers what they think, what are some good steps that I can take to start boosting my confidence and my self-worth.
There you go.
Man, and you know what this makes me think, man, honestly, is that it's just, it's so wild that we are in a time where men are struggling so much with their self-confidence and self-worth.
That even it's like no matter what is going on.
I mean, here is Mickey with a real ailment, you know.
I mean, this is something that is probably very rare.
You know, I remember when my sister needed a liver, it was, I mean, one in like a million children was born with the issue that she had.
And I don't even know what Mickey did.
You know, I don't know.
Some people blow through their own stuff.
You know, you might have, I mean, if he's out there fucking huffing gas or something or doing that kind of shit and blowing through his lungs, then that's different.
But if this is something that, you know, that came into him by nature, then that's, you know, then that's, that's another different, you know, and that's more real.
But, you know, here you are, you know, you have this thing going on, man, and you are, you're dealing with the same stuff still.
You know, it's just wild.
It's wild that, you know, that it's like no matter who we are, that sometimes there's so many problems that are, you know, that just connect us all, right?
I mean, you could have somebody out there with no head and no arms and legs.
And they would, you know, they would, they would still be worrying about self-confidence and these sorts of things, man.
And it just, I don't know how it may, it makes me feel, man, it makes me feel, I guess, a little bit, I don't know if I want to say not ungrateful, but it makes me feel a little disappointed maybe in myself.
You know, that here I am and I'm healthy, you know, I'm healthier than Mickey is right now.
And that I'm, you know, maybe I'm not taking all the steps I could take all the time to try and boost my own self-confidence and stuff like that.
Even though I know it's not one of those things that's, you know, that's always easily fixable.
But, you know, it's like here I am just, you know, here I am.
I don't have a ticking time.
You know, I don't have two ticking time bombs in my body.
You know, I'm not on that, on the clock.
And so since that's the case, I'm not worried about as much about, you know, always getting myself to wellness.
Whereas here's Mickey's out there, he's on the clock.
And one of the things he wants to do, he wants to man up in case he doesn't have the opportunity to stick around.
He wants to defeat that self-confidence.
You know?
And, you know, man, it's just, I can't imagine what you've been through, but some of our listeners have some thoughts for you and some suggestions.
And we're going to crack in a little bit that right now.
Here we go, Mickey.
You know, it's Ricky Dickey from Pittsburgh.
Oh, and this is Ricky Dickey from Pittsburgh.
And I've never even, I don't know, I guess that's your real name.
I'm not even sure, brother.
I've never, I don't think I ever called anybody Ricky Dickey.
Onward?
I'm calling in to talk about our boy Mickey and the lungs.
And I think his best bet might be to find someone with, you know, another ailment.
Someone that needs a kidney or a liver or they need lungs and they can breathe life into each other.
No pun intended.
Well, I mean, it seems like obvious pun intended right there, but you know what, man?
You might be right.
You know, it is funny how if you have somebody that has some of the same issues, that it brings you together.
And that's one thing that sharing issues does, man, we're able to share like what is what is what makes us hurt.
You know, when you're able to share that with somebody, it's crazy how it brings you together.
You know, I've noticed that in brief moments with dating and stuff like that, when I'm actually able to try and voice what is going on, what scares me, that it ends up, instead of thinking, fuck, I'm going to say this and this person is going to hate me or this person is not going to care about me anymore.
Instead, it just makes them understand me.
And so much care usually comes out of understanding that it's fascinating.
So you may be onto something there.
You know, that, you know, sometimes you can see what you know the feeling of and you see it in somebody else.
And if you're able to be a good partner for that person because you can understand them the best.
Because you're saddling up on those feelings and riding that similar vibe, whatever it is every day.
Now, if you're talking about just mixing and matching people, that's Frankenstinian.
You know what I'm saying?
If you're talking about finding somebody with a one leg and somebody with a different leg and matching them up, then that's wild.
I mean, it makes sense if you're charting, if you're doing a drawing and if you're trying to pee, you know, if you're doing a human puzzle, a puzzle made out of humans.
But it doesn't make sense realistically, I don't think.
But I don't know if you had somebody that, you know, their heart didn't work and yet somebody's brain didn't work and you put them together.
Could make beauty.
But that's Ricky Dickey out of Pittsburgh, man.
Mickey, that's a little bit of some suggestions from Mickey.
And also, I know I'm going to be in Tacoma.
And I'm going to be in Tacoma and I'm announcing it right now, the 15th and 16th.
That's Thursday and Friday.
And that's outside of Seattle.
And Tacoma, and we're going to try to get a date for Mickey.
Because, you know, in the rest of his call, if you listened last week, he talks about he wants to have more confidence.
You know, he'd like to meet, he'd like to, you know, fall in love.
You know, he'd like to meet a lady.
And he wasn't talking about sex.
He wasn't talking about, you know, just reaching down into some moist, you know, touching that moist.
He was talking about being out there and maybe looking for some love.
You know, look, he was out there trying to get up in that, you know, that baritone maker in between those ribs.
And that's the heart.
So just a lot going on in this, man.
Let's listen to another call that came in right here.
But we're going to try to set Mickey up there in Tacoma.
So if you have somebody out there in Tacoma who's a lady, you know, you know, and she's got, you know what I'm saying?
She don't mind a little guy who's, you know, maybe who might, you know, have to take an early break during sex, you know, then maybe you could set us up and get my boy Mickey out there and let's, you know, maybe him will go and me and him and I'll bring a lady or something and we'll take some ladies out on a double date or something.
Or we'll just set them up and let him and this girl go out there and have a good time, you know?
But no matter what, Mickey's going to be my guest there up there in Tacoma, man, and I'm looking forward to it.
We texted about it.
He said he's going to keep his schedule open.
Let's hear some other calls you guys had for him.
Here we go.
Hey Theo, this is Jason Colleen from California.
In regards to Juicy's guy who's waiting for a lung transplant.
Yeah, that guy's Mickey, brother.
Okay.
Thanks for calling, Jason.
Onward.
He's asking how he could be more confident.
There's absolutely, totally a way that he can be confident just as much as the rest of us.
Because I think at the end of the day, the person who has the most integrity, who is the most true to their soul, that is like the most real man that you can be.
And if you're ever in the presence of a person who is just authentically empowered with no guilt, with total integrity, total devotion to just doing the right thing for all who are involved, there is a sense of energy that person carries that even a very large, confident bodybuilder would have to kind of recognize that.
Wow.
Wow, man.
I think you might have just put everybody on blast right there.
Like in our hearts, you know?
I mean, that's crazy.
I mean, that was awesome, Jason.
I appreciate that.
Let's listen to the end of this and then I'll.
And respect it.
Lack of confidence, I would start to really build up personal integrity, start helping people, start making people feel better, and start being the one person who is brave enough to be nice and do the righteous thing, especially if you only have a few years left.
That could be your gift.
Wow.
Man, I don't even know what to say, really.
I mean, that's, you know, that's why I'm the middleman here.
Because I don't have that.
I don't have those words inside of me like that man did right there.
But for some reason when he said that, I know that that's the truth.
When you have that, when you are the truest, man, it's like you're surfing your own.
It's like surfing your own.
It's like surfing on your own semen, bruh.
And I don't mean to be crass, but I bet that's how it feels.
When you are guilt-free and you are living and you are living in the place where you are just going to be righteous.
You're going to try your best.
Now the problem is when you do that, that's when that ego.
That ego starts taking hits off of your righteous after you doing the right things and starts telling it, oh, I do the right things.
And that's where the ego comes in.
But man, to live clean and free like that, and maybe I'm talking because I've never done that.
I mean, I've never lived completely out of debt emotionally or out of debt spiritually.
You know, I'm in spiritual debt.
You know, and I'm not coming at you in like a religious way or anything, but I just know in my heart that there's, you know, I got a couple of outsiders living in my heart.
You know what I'm saying?
But I know that that's the right answer.
That if you build up that integrity, man, you build up that 100% that people can smell that on you.
Thank you for that call.
Let's take one more.
Here we go.
Yo, what's good, bruh?
This is Pennsylvania, Pete.
Pennsylvania, Pete.
I've never called anybody that.
Let's hear more.
I'm calling in response to your boy, Trick Lung Mickey.
TLM, baby.
And if you want to see the call specifically from Mickey and my thoughts on it, that's on YouTubes out there.
Onward.
I'm not in his personal situation, so I can't say how it would be to overcome the fear of death in such a short time span and then how to talk to women.
But I feel like the best, best for him to do would be to accept it as quick as he can.
Start joking about it, right?
And then once you start joking about it, I don't know if you'll ever be able to really accept it because I think that's the thing that everyone has troubles dealing with, the fear of dying.
It's so, so scary.
But yeah, the best thing maybe to just, you know, come to terms with it.
And then.
Well, I mean, look, I think Mickey's called up confident as fuck, dude.
You know?
Pennsylvania Pete.
And I will call you that now.
I think Mickey called up 100 about his activity, you know.
I mean, this guy's out there.
I mean, you know, he's being brave.
He could just lay on the internet and jerk off, dude.
You know, and get exhausted quick and just, you know, rest a little and then jerk off again.
But he's not doing that.
You know, he's saying he wants to, he wants more.
He wants more than his present lungs can hold.
You know what I'm saying?
He wants to double down on his own life.
That's what he wants to do.
He's willing to take that risk.
He's asking the universe, I want love because I'm going to get on that transplant list.
I'm going to get that second.
I'm going to get four lungs.
Fucking tricky Mickey's going to be a damn amphibian come 2022.
That boy's going to be out there fucking backstroking in your lake and banging your sister and stepmom at the same time.
So freaking, you know, I mean, Pennsylvania Pete accepted and moved.
I mean, like, I feel you.
It sounds like he's accepted it, though.
It sounds like he's accepted it.
You know, maybe you got to accept Big Petey.
Maybe you got to accept.
Maybe you sitting around your room looking you got three or four sisters or siblings in the house, female siblings, you know, and you thinking, oh, damn.
Maybe you scared that somebody with as much integrity as sweet Mickey has out there, that when he gets sucroasted up with them new airbags, that he's going to come to your house.
And he's going to give you a bunch of nieces and nephews, you know?
Because that is a lover boy.
So you might be living in fear, Pete.
Anyway, I didn't mean to get fired up, though.
I do appreciate everybody's call, and I always do.
Let's take one more.
Let's hit another call here, man.
Here we go.
What's up, Theo?
This is TJ.
I'm calling in about that Mickey was running on them fuming on them low tanks for gas.
Yeah, I feel you, TJ.
Thanks for calling, dude.
You honestly sound like you have less time to be alive than Mickey, bro, to be honest with you, bro.
No shame, no shame, you know?
And look, and Mickey and I texted the other day about joking around, and he was cool, man.
He said it was, you know, he laughed and he'd been having a laugh and he'd been sharing this experience with his friends.
And look, that's where I'm from.
So sometimes if somebody's like, man, you joke about shit that's too real, well, guess what?
You know, I didn't choose that for myself always.
And I do know that it is a problem that I have.
Sometimes I do joke when things shouldn't be joked about.
You know?
But I mean, I grew up, man.
My dad was 70 when I was born.
You know that?
My sister had a liver, was not on the liver list.
You know?
I mean, she laid in the crib, dude.
She was green and yellow and different colors for five, six years.
You know, had so many scars on her body, looked like a damn, you know, looked like a, I mean, looked like a scarecrow.
Look like the child of a scarecrow.
You know, so my first thoughts growing up was that everybody's dying.
You know, I'm not trying to glum anybody out, but I'm trying to let you know where some of my sense of humor comes from.
You know, so you don't think I'm just out here, that's where my sense of humor got made, that if I didn't have a, if I wasn't able to find some joy in that, you know, in going up to my dad and not knowing each time if he's alive or just, you know, resting, he'd have friends come over, both of them fall asleep on the couch.
And I'm thinking we got a carbon monoxide leak in the house.
But the truth is, both of them are just in their late 70s.
And they just were having a conversation.
And one of them didn't talk for a little bit and both of them dozed off.
But TJ, man, you sound like you might need a spare lung, but let's hear more.
Thank you for calling, TJ.
My best advice would be maybe if he can go on one of these dating sites, you know, these online dating sites, he's kind of explain his situation.
Like, so, you know, whoever knows his situation right off the bat.
Because the worst thing you can do is get, you know, attached to a girl and get really serious with her, you know, and she wants to spend the rest of her life with you.
And then two down, you know, two years down the road, and you're dead.
I hope that doesn't happen, you know what I'm saying?
But I think that would be the best thing to just explain your situation.
You're going through a hard time.
You want some companionship.
And yeah, man.
Anyway, that's my advice.
Let me podcast, bro.
Thank you, TJ, man.
And I love you, bud.
I'm sorry.
I've been a little fired up this episode, you know.
but, you know, and look, here's the thing: TJ brings up a good point because, look, Mickey, I'll tell you this, brother.
We're all on dating apps.
Everybody's out there on them.
You know, so that's not like, you know, I don't want you to think that, and look, man, I'm not trying to, I mean, I can't imagine what you're having to deal with, Mickey.
You know, here you are sharing something that's, that's, I mean, that's the realest thing.
You know, somebody turns on the egg timer that, you know, turns an egg timer on inside of your body.
You know, and here you are sharing that with us and letting us talk about that and think about that, you know, and even joke about it.
And so I want to say thank you for letting us do that.
But the thing is also, I don't want you to think you're missing out on some magical universe where, you know, air capable people, you know, people that are fully air capable are out here just dating and, you know, and everything's easy peasy.
Part of the problem is things have changed now.
And so we're all out here on these electronics.
We're all kind of becoming alien to each other.
You know, speaking of aliens, we're all kind of becoming alien to each other.
So, you know, it is tough.
It's tough out here for a lot of people.
But, you know, I'll say this, man, a lot of women, and this might be a weird way to look at it, but women love a project.
Women love a man they can rescue.
Women love, you know, and women also, this is a dark way to put it, kind of a women love fucking death and murder and stuff.
Every woman I know has seen every episode of Dateline ever.
I mean, I secretly think that women want to get murdered.
And I don't mean that in like a, you know, a Me Too or any of that time's up.
I'm not talking about anything like that.
But I think that women secretly have this fascination with, you know, getting almost murdered.
Let's say that.
Because they're all watching it all the time.
And so you know what I'm saying?
You have that mysterious element.
If I want to be mysterious, I got to fucking put on like a, you know, a dark bonnet or get a hammer or something.
But if you want to be mysterious, Mickey, you just roll up.
You know what I'm saying?
In your freaking lungs, I mean, you know, roll up with a picture of your lungs.
Fucking show her that picture.
Like, look, baby girl, these things, a couple of A-cups right here I'm running on, you know, a couple of fucking bat wings left in your boy.
So why don't you and me, you know, why don't we see at least how deep my heart is?
I mean, you got a pickup, you can make a pickup line that could be deeper than anything.
Like, hey, honey, my lungs don't work, so I'm going to have to smell you with my heart.
You know, so I'm going to have to hold your scent in my heart.
And that's that third lung, man, that heart.
You know, that's that lung that holds, that holds a, you know, that holds, you know, the air that holds our most important air.
And you sound like you got a big one of those.
But man, you know, you've just had me thinking all week, man.
You've had me thinking, and I appreciate it, Mickey.
And I look forward to seeing you at Tacoma.
And if you guys have somebody you think it would be good to set up for Mickey, email me, you know?
And that's just T-H-E-O-V-O-N-K at m-ac.com.
And they got to live up in Tacoma, Seattle.
Don't send me somebody from fucking Indiana.
We ain't busting in some Muppet from Indiana.
You know what I'm saying?
Some chick that's just, you know, just got out the system or something.
Or some brought out them halfway houses.
We're not doing all of that shit.
You know, this ain't a fucking, you know, we ain't trying to, you know, bring somebody's clout up.
We ain't trying to greyhound some bitch out from Evansville.
You know what I'm saying?
We're talking about, let's find him a decent woman who may be interested in a man that is a man.
He ain't coming in light in any, in any loafers.
He's coming in heavy in the heart and maybe a little light in the lungs.
All right, guys, let's take this call right here.
Here we go.
This is a separate call that came in.
Hey, Theo, what's going on, man?
Love the show.
This is Cooper.
I'm wondering if you can maybe help me out with a personal problem.
All right, Cooper, thank you for calling.
Onward.
You know, just speaking from your life experience, have you ever been dating a, you know, a real fiery, spicy Latina, maybe a Caribbean girl, like a real exotic girl?
Maybe she's got like a pet parrot at home?
I'm just wondering, how do you deal with the bird when it's heckling you during sex?
All right.
So I think that's obviously joking around a coop.
Cooper, sorry, calling about a bird.
So that's irony, irony.
Cooper, bird coop.
And I'll say this, dude.
A Latina, a spicy Latina or Caribbean woman, okay?
Probably different things, dude.
Go down to the Caribbean, bruh.
I'd love to see you go down there, sweet coop.
Let me tell you what happened to me one time down in the Caribbean or in Jamaica or somewhere.
Okay?
I go into a Starbucks, dude.
They had a sign outside.
It says Starbucks.
I walk in.
There's a lady back in there.
It looks kind of weird in there.
There's a lady.
She's like, welcome to the Starbucks Lounge.
Can I get y'all a smoothie?
It wasn't even a Starbucks, dude.
Somebody'd stolen a Starbucks sign, put it up outside of a fucking smoothie center.
I don't know what the fuck it was, dude.
And then I ordered it, gave a lady some money.
She fucking went out the back.
Rap.
Never saw it.
Waited 20 minutes.
Went out in the street.
And there was about a block away, there was literally a knife fight right in front of me.
Two dudes fighting with knives, which very fun to watch.
Watching dudes fight with knives, bro, it is damn, I mean, it's, you know, it's that fucking killer capoeira right there.
You know, and it was pretty fun.
And then one of them chased yellow and down the street.
But I like to see you out there doing all of that, Mr. Coop.
and also, I made love to a girl in Denver years ago, this blonde girl, and she lived at a high altitude, and she had a gray parrotlet.
And a lot of parrotlets, I believe, are from South America.
And it would actually be on my shoulder once in a while.
We were making love.
But that's not hard to be because I'm not good at making love.
So, you know, easy place for a bird to roost.
But anyhow, let's go.
Onward.
Let's take another call, man, here.
What do we got here?
All right.
Let's get this one last call in.
And I want to let you guys know some dates that I'm going to be performing.
I will be in Portland, Oregon, and that is this weekend at Harvey's Comedy Club.
And you can find that tickets to that on theova.com slash tour, T-O-U-R.
As well, next weekend I'll be in La Jolla at the comedy store.
After that, the 23rd and 24th of February, I'll be in Fantasy Springs Casino.
And then the 15th and 16th, I'll be in Tacoma there in Washington.
The 17th, I'll be in Spokane, and those are of March, March 15th through 17th.
March 23rd and through 25th, I'll be in Oxnard, California at Levity Live.
And then in April, I'll be at Bananas Comedy, and that's in New Jersey somewhere.
I'm not sure where.
And then also, I got this little announcement.
I guess it's an announcement.
I'm going to be shooting a movie, a film.
It's a small, it's a million-dollar budget.
And I'm going to be shooting with Thomas Ian Nicholson.
Let me see.
Thomas Ian Nicholas.
Sorry.
Thomas Ian Nicholas.
And you can check him out.
And you'll remember him from a lot of films.
He was in that movie where they have the pitcher that breaks his arm.
And then he throws the arm in from the outfield.
And he throws it really fast.
And he gets a job working for the Los Angeles Dodgers.
So I'm going to be shooting a movie with him called Bitcoin.
And yeah, Thomas Ian Nicholas.
And I went to his film premiere the other night.
It was really, really great.
Super nice guy.
And I'm looking forward to that.
And he is the same age as me, and we'll be shooting that in Albuquerque in May.
So that's pretty cool, man.
I'm excited about that opportunity to work with him.
You know, he was in that movie, and I can't remember the name of that.
He's been in so many films, and I'm not trying to pigeonhole him.
He was also in American Pie and the American Pie series.
But I don't watch a ton of films, and that's what I remember him from.
But so, yeah, it should be cool.
You know, it should be cool to do that.
I'm looking forward to it.
Now, with movies in Hollywood, you know, shit don't always come to fruition.
But as of right now, it's all contracted out, and we are ready to rock.
So looking forward to that.
All right, man, let's take one more call here.
And this is a good, this call, I already know what it's about.
And I just want to get some advice.
Let's see what he says.
Here we go.
Onward.
Hey, Theo.
This is James from Omaha, Nebraska.
And I'm calling because I've got a little bit of dark arts on my mind.
And I appreciate you calling, James.
And I've been in Omaha, dude.
And I've honestly masturbated outside of that city a couple times.
And I've actually, and I'll do an update real quick.
I've been struggling still with the adult masturbation, touching myself, not others.
And it's been, you know, I've been doing well, and then last night I fell off.
You know, I fell off that jerk wagon.
But I'm trying to get back on it.
I'm not giving up.
And I just wanted to update and kind of come clean about that, you know, and be out here where I am.
You know, but I appreciate you calling in here, James, with your dark arts issue.
Here we go.
Onward.
So I'm 21 years old.
I have a girlfriend who I've been dating for about three years now.
Oh, wow.
So that's that young love.
And that's beautiful, man.
If you're in young love, sometimes it's almost that's the love that's dangerous.
People get murdered at that age in love, you know?
Onward.
It's a pretty serious relationship.
I just see myself being with her the rest of my life.
Wow.
And you know what?
Good for you, man.
Because that's brave, dude.
You know, that's bravery, bro.
Onward?
You know, there's this thing on my mind where, you see, I lost my virginity to her.
I've never been sexually with another woman before.
Okay.
So this is your lady, that's your girl.
And that's called a golden, I think it's called a golden Oreo when you've only had sex with one person and you guys are together.
You know, and you guys are going to, when you're married to somebody, you only have had sex with one person, I'm pretty sure it's called a golden Oreo.
Onward?
The same is not, it's not the same for her.
She did not lose her virginity to me.
She hooked up with several guys before she met me.
Okay.
So she's a little bit more of a nut or butter, you know?
And that's okay, man.
That's okay.
Onward.
And so basically, you know, I don't know how I feel about potentially spending the rest of my life with this woman and, you know, not ever having sex with anybody else.
Part of me thinks I should be okay with this.
You know, that perfect one-and-0 record is probably something a lot of guys wish they had.
But for me, it's just like, man, there's so much out there sexually, so many sexual experiences that I feel like, man, I might be missing out on.
Missing out on, you know?
And that's the end of the call.
Wow.
That's a big, that's a big issue.
A big question.
Not an issue.
Sorry.
That's a big question.
It's a big call, James, and I appreciate you calling.
You know, I was in your position when I was young, man.
When I went off to college, I was dating a girl, and she and I'd lost my virginity to her outside of a bowling alley, actually.
You know, people were throwing rocks at us and all kinds of shit.
And it was a different time back then, and it was more of a rural time, you know, and there was more gravel.
But, you know, and I was jealous, and I couldn't get over the jealousy.
And it really had nothing to do with her.
That just had to do with me, you know?
And here's the thing.
Yeah, you can get out there and experience more dating, more sexualness.
There's that opportunity, man.
That is out there.
That's out there for you if you want it.
But there's something nice if you love someone that is hard to find again.
It's hard to find.
You know, and I believe that.
I believe that that is hard to find.
You can't just always fall in love.
You can date somebody and make a relationship, but you can't always fall in love.
Like, that's really the tough thing.
So I think you have to look at what you have.
Is the grass greener out there?
I don't know.
Now, I hope you're comparing things to pornography.
If you're doing that, you got to hold that line, Bucko.
Because the things that happen in pornography are not happening in regular people's sexual activity.
You know, you see pornography and it's, you know, it's all that action.
And they got elbows and titties and, you know, people with, you know, freelance buttholes and all kinds of activity.
But in real life, dude, it's fucking awkward.
And, you know, somebody just had dinner and they had capers and they got a belch and it's fucking, you know, you had a Pepsi and there's dog shit in the corner of the room.
And, you know, there's a lot of other, there's the reality.
But you know what I think that I, and I honestly do think that this is a question that other guys might have more experience with.
You know, if there's guys out there that have only ever, you know, been with their spouse, if there's guys out there that, you know, were in love and had a love and left it and had an experience and do they regret it?
You know, I mean, I've made a lot of bad decisions in my life when it comes to sex.
I have not had a healthy sexual relationship with myself.
I haven't carried myself with a ton of integrity.
You know, to go back to one of our callers earlier talking about integrity, what Jason was talking about.
You know, this one's a tough one for me, man.
So I'm going to put this one out to our callers and I'll chime in on this one next week because that's a real deal.
You know, that is a real deal when you're out there.
And, you know, I had a girl that I was in love with in high school.
And, you know, and I lost my virginity to her.
And I lost my virginity behind, you know, a bowling alley standing up.
And people were throwing rocks and all kinds of shit at us.
Very Gaza strip, if you will.
And but I remember being jealous that this woman had had more partners than I had.
But it didn't have anything to do with her.
That was all on me.
So the jealousy, if you have jealousy, it's your thing.
Now, how do you handle that and deal with that at your age?
Who knows?
You know, I don't know.
I didn't handle it well.
I was angry at her.
I resented her.
But I had no tools for solving any emotional or relationship problems.
I had zero tools.
I was flight or fight or fuck.
I think maybe might be the third one.
Or just fiddle.
And I would just kind of fiddle with my fingers and just be, you know, kind of loitering and be awkward and shit.
And I also hit outside of a girl's place one time and petted a cat out there in South Carolina doing some light stalking.
You know, and I will apologize for that.
But let's put that one out to the callers, man.
We'll put that one out to the callers.
If you have some suggestions for James, 985-664-9503.
That is the hotline.
I want to thank everybody that's been a part of the podcast, that's been helping.
We do have exciting stuff happening for the next year.
Things are slowly going on.
And I'm just grateful to be here with you guys.
I'm going to go watch the end of the Super Bowl.
You know, I was going to watch and come back and talk to you guys again, but I feel like we've had a good episode.
There's been a lot of information.
I feel like maybe coming full circle about aliens, I feel like maybe we're becoming aliens.
You know, maybe we're becoming aliens.
And I think that's why part of me wants to tell James just to stay in there and work it out with your lady.
You know, that's why part of me wants to say, you know, like, let's find a couple of options there.
Let's find a girl, at least a date for my boy Mickey.
You know, because, man, we're letting love go.
We're giving up on it easy.
You know, we're giving up on it easy.
And it's not fair for me to tell you that, James, really, because I haven't done that in my life.
But it doesn't mean always that because I haven't, it doesn't mean that I can't now.
You know, because it's tough.
I know it's tough for a lot of men out there, you know, to stay in love and to commit to love.
But damn, maybe that's our battle these days.
Because we are becoming aliens and alien to the things that make us human.
Connection.
And I feel it.
I'm not accusing anybody of it.
I mean, I am guilty.
As guilty as the rest, man.
We out there in these emo streets, man.
We out there in these love streets.
But we're not alone, bro.
Gang, gang.
You feel me?
All right, man.
I'll see you guys in Portland this week.
I'll have an episode up.
Ooh, Thursday, I'm going out of town.
I'll have an episode up Thursday.
We'll follow up and put these calls out to James.
And you guys, be good to yourselves.
You know what I'm saying?
You know, you probably deserve it.
And if you don't, we'll start asking ourselves, how can I deserve more?
And how can I have a little bit more integrity?
Because that's something that we can all gain.
And thank you guys for the calls.
Thank everybody.
You guys, be good to yourselves, man.
talk to you soon.
Celebrate living.
Celebrate misery.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Celebrate dark days.
Celebrate all your pains.
All of your demons exercise.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweetheart.
Easy deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John.
Hi, I'll take a quarter pot of cheese out of McClure.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
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