Jacksonville visit. Cormier. Talking through fear about the Women's March. College question. Hit the Hotline 985-664-9503 https://www.ziprecruiter.com/tpw https://www.greyblockpizza.com (get that hittah) https://www.patreon.com/theovon Submit Dark Arts Tour artwork: theovonk@mac.com Thanks Sherb. Thanks Shy Chris. Thanks YOU. Thank You, Cat on a Hot Tin Gunt Squad: Renee Nicol Matthew Snow Ryan Wolfe Angelo Raygun Carla Huffman John Kutch Tyler Zub Adriana Hernandez Jeffrey Lusero Alex Hitchins Joe Dunn Kennedy Joey Piemonte Robyn Tatu Beau Adams Yoga Max Bowden Shawn-Leigh henry Roar Hanasand Laura Williams Not Even Wrong Xela Person Deanna Smith Mona McCune Suzanne O'Reilly Rashelle Raymond Chad Saltzman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Arielle Nicole Greg H Dave Engelman Dylan Clune Calvin Doyle Robert Doucette Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Qie Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Ned Arick J Garcia Lauren Cribb Ty Oliver Tom in Rural NC Christian from Bakersfield Brian Martinez Matthew Holland Charley Dunham Casey RobertsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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And that's the name of that, of the musician, Brad Levine.
Could be Jewish.
Could be Hebrew, maybe.
I don't know if Israeli is the term.
Levine, one of my best friends, Levie is Jewish.
And I know that could be a similar name.
Could be one of my brews.
You got your bros.
You got your brews.
That is Brad Levine, aka better off barefoot.
Let's take in one more little kick of that.
He'll kick you in the fucking...
Kicking me in the gimel right there, boy.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
Little funk this morning.
Thank you, Brad Levine.
Better off barefoot for submitting that and helping us all get on board on this Monday morning.
And I had a little bit of funk.
You know, I had a little bit of funk in my life this week, and I was in Jacksonville.
I was in Jacksonville, Florida.
And if you haven't been to Jacksonville, it's like the Bermuda triangle of it's basically like a raw, it's kind of like a Ross dress for less, but it's alive, if you could imagine that.
Everybody seems a little, it's like everybody's, it seemed like, first of all, it seemed like the whole place is the witness protection program.
You are in, and people are going to think that I'm ripping on Jacksonville.
I actually had a great time.
I had a great time.
But Jacksonville, I mean, it's a Bermuda Triangle.
If you lost a friend in Jacksonville, nobody would be like, oh, that's crazy.
They'd be like, yeah, yeah, you probably did.
You probably misplaced a couple family members over there in Jayville.
Duval.
That's what they say when you're there.
They say Duval County.
And if you listen to Jacksonville Jaguars games, you can hear that in the background.
Duval.
They say that, and that's Duval County, because that's a wild county.
And because Jacksonville, I mean, it's just, everybody seemed like they're in the witness protection program.
And I was even talking about this on stage.
It's like, nobody's giving out any information.
Everybody's kind of got a court case pending a little bit.
And it's diverse as can be.
You meet a white person, but they are black.
You meet a black person, but they are Jamaican.
You meet a Jamaican person, but they are Hispanic.
You don't know what's going on.
You almost need an attorney even just to introduce yourself.
I mean, you need like a, not an attorney, like a word attorney, a translator.
You almost need a translator just to meet people.
Because I don't know.
I did not know what was going on.
But we did it down there in Jacksonville.
And it's basically, it's like, it's kind of like the Sacramento of Florida.
Because Florida is a wild place.
First of all, you have like, you know, you have a lot of money down at the bottom of Florida and along the coast.
You know, you got a lot of good old boys and a lot of black community or African American.
And you also have a lot of African American.
I mean, you have like American black and you also have African American, like people that are straight up from Africa.
You also have a lot of, you know, Jamaica.
I mean, you got that.
I mean, it's just a damn buffet.
And that's what you get over there.
And we were in Jacksonville and I was performing at the Comedy Club.
And at first I walked in, man, and I had some, you know, not, I didn't have any prejudices.
I had, just against the place, it was like a huge comedy club.
This comedy club, it was like they, it was almost like in a gymnasium, but they had made a comedy club in there.
So it's huge.
You know, you could, I mean, your friend could go to their bathroom, never come back.
You never see your friend again.
You never hear from them.
Maybe like a couple years later, you get invited to their wedding.
Like that kind of shit.
Like, I mean, the comedy club was probably 30,000 square feet.
So you got to, like, I remember when I walked in, I was like, what the fuck, son?
This has, it's wild.
And my boy Dean down there runs it.
And Dean used to play football down there, and now he runs his business.
And man, we had a blast.
You know, and it just had, it also had like this kind of black business vibe.
And if you want to say that I mean that in a racist way, then you can say that.
But I grew up in an environment where you had black businesses.
And a black business, man, they got everything.
Anything could happen in a black business.
You know, you walk the show, you know, the show is supposed to start at 10.30.
It's going to start at 11. That we're going to have a fashion show right before.
You know what I'm saying?
Like just a surprise, motherfucker.
We having a chilly cook-off.
You're like, what?
It's 1.15 in the morning.
And then they got a couple of bad bitches up there with bathtubs full of beans and meat.
And it's just that kind of vibe, man.
You just don't know what's going to happen sometimes.
Like they could raffle off a Buick in the middle of the show and you wouldn't even be shocked.
So it just kind of has that wild vibe, you know.
But it was awesome to see, man.
But at first, you know, I was just, I guess I was humbled a little because I get used to being in maybe like sometimes fancier clubs.
And you don't realize that you need to be humbled until you are humbled.
You know, and I'm so grateful for that kind of stuff because the last thing I want to get infected by is my ego.
Because that, my ego will be the death of me and it will be the death of my joy.
But man, we were in there and dude, this guy, so the MC is this guy Antoine.
And I don't know if I've ever been around a guy that was more entertaining to be around.
So he, you know, he's a black gentleman.
And he starts telling me that his favorite television, that he'd been watching 90210 reruns.
And man, for some reason, that just, I mean, it just, I don't know.
It's the last thing I ever thought to hear this dude say.
And we had, we just had a mixed group.
It was like three black comedians, three white comedians.
And everybody was having a blast.
Everybody was having a blast, man.
And, you know, we were sitting backstage and people were, everybody was joking.
Nobody was a better jokester.
Nobody was, you know, because somebody had only been doing comedy for 10 months, they weren't allowed to joke or they didn't feel like they could put their two cents in.
Everybody in the green room, all of us had the worst haircuts.
I mean, they had this one dude, one of the openers.
He looked like every character from Roseanne, all in one person, this Russian fellow named Andre.
And we had this other dude, man.
Man, I'm still having fun.
That's how much fun I had.
This other guy.
What was his name?
I feel so bad right now.
But all he kept asking me, he had to have these new sex robots that are out.
And it's like a $1,700 investment, these sex robots.
And now they got some of the urban ones, you know, but I'm one of the ones that like a lot of rappers and that sort of, you know, that vibe that are going around in that vibe.
You know, the big asses, like all of a sudden these robots are out here, you know, they got big tittis and, you know, and these, you know, bata-tot-tots, boy, these, these fucking batats, you know, and they got these battery-operated cooters and everything.
And they got these ass cheeks and you can make them pop and, you know, sprout or whatever they call it.
I don't know what they call whenever you shake your ass and somebody, you know, just, I think it's called sprouting.
But they can, all the robots can do all this shit now.
So this dude, man, this other comedian guy, and I don't, I just don't remember his name.
And he wanted me to put a down payment, right?
On the, because he thought I had some money.
He wanted me to put a down payment on one of these fuck robots for him.
And man, to listen to him pitch this idea to me that, you know, if you're going to buy a fuck robot, you got to have a brother try it out first.
And it's kind of fucked up not to share, you know, you know, you don't want to be racially insensitive and not share your fuck robot with a black man.
And I mean, dude, we were laughing so hard.
So I don't know.
You know what?
It made me feel good?
It made me feel good to be in an environment because there's so much out there these days where, you know, there's so much black and white that that's the race problem in America.
You know, because when you really, when you look at those other, other races seem to get along okay, you know, where we seem to kind of evolve in to each other some or try to, I feel like, if you're not trying to do that, it might not be happening in your life because it might not even be your fault, but if you're not trying, you know, then that's probably not super solid.
But I feel like, you know, but black and white seems to be that big issue, black and white.
And so it was just, it was nice to not be on the computer or not be on social media or on Twitter, which has turned into just a bunch of people just trying to fuck farts.
I mean, it is just a fart fuck on there.
And I'm sorry to use that kind of language.
And I really am.
You know, but it is, I mean, there's some people still having a good time on Twitter.
And then there's just a bunch of furious people about politics and just a bunch of fucking Muppets out there.
A bunch of button Muppets.
But it was nice to be in a real environment with regular people talking about stuff and just having a good time.
People who were not the same as me.
You know, and some of you might think, well, Theo, you talk a lot about black and white stuff a lot.
And I guess I do because it's pretty near to my heart, I guess.
Because I see it as something that makes a lot of uncomfort in our country.
And I think just in my own heart, you know, because it was tough growing up in an environment where it was pretty mixed.
And being a child, you want to help people, you know, or want to help people that have less than you or it feels like they have less than you.
And then getting to adulthood and being made to feel like you're not a good person because you're white.
You know, in most of your life, you feel like you've tried to make every effort not to be white, but to be a person.
So yeah, so man, we had so much fun that it just melted.
By the end, man, I was having a blast.
By the end, I was doing comedy in a warehouse.
Dude, you should have seen the sign house.
I wasn't even lit up.
There was a picture of it on my Instagram, not a picture, but on the video.
Dude, the sign, like people, they said two weeks ago a homeless dude rolled into the club, right?
He rolled into the children's clothing or the automotive section or wherever he came into this.
I mean, dude, this place is a warehouse.
And then they have like a little stage against one wall, and then there's a ton of tables.
And you can hear everything.
Dude, if somebody has a bad idea 200 feet away from you, you can hear it go off in their head.
I mean, the acoustics were just not good.
But we had a blast, you know, and we had so much fun backstage that we couldn't help but have fun on stage.
And when I go back and do Florida again, I'm going to have some of those same guys come and work with me again because I just had so much fun.
And it was nice to be in an environment, you know, when you hear all of this stuff, oh, you know, race relations are so bad and people are, you know, and fuck this and no equality and this and that.
And then you get into a place where we all have one common goal to make some people feel some laughter and have fun.
And, well, one dude's goal was to try to get, you know, me to put $1,700 down on a robot he's going to fuck in Florida.
You know, it was almost like back to that Debo thing, you know, with like, it'll be Beaufort's, but I'll just keep it at my house.
You know, with Debo trying to steal that boy's bike in Friday.
But it was, man, we had a blast.
We had a blast, dude.
And Jacksonville is, I mean, it's, you want to go to a place that's diverse and you don't even know what's going on.
And look, man, people have, shirts are optional.
You see people walking across the street, maybe a shirt, maybe not.
I mean, a dude will come walking out of a restaurant, no shirt with a dog in his arms.
And I'm not talking about a guy that works for the SP, you know, the pet rescue.
I'm talking about just a regular dude, a regular playboy trying to get a snack, you know?
And man, they were so excited about the Jaguars, about the Jacksonville Jaguars playing that game.
And I think that team played its heart out, and I think that they'll be in the AFC Championship for the next couple years.
They have a really good chance.
But man, we had so much fun.
You know, I had a good time.
And I went in there a little bit, you know, I guess because it reminded me, sorry, oh, somebody just pledged on Patreon.
And I appreciate that.
I want to thank the Patreon supporters.
This week, we got that new camera coming in.
So we're going to be getting to some new levels.
I can't thank you enough, really.
But I want to, yes.
So, but man, we just had a good time.
And we did it, you know, and we got the shows done.
And the audiences were mixed and everybody was laughing.
You know, we were laughing, man.
It just, dude, it was ridiculous.
But you see a dude, man, they have people in wheelchairs, people in high chairs, people on crutches, people on stilts.
Jacksonville, you don't even know.
They had one dude had a, he said he got some new bracelets.
He was in shackles.
This dude was obviously had escaped from prison.
He said he got these new bracelets.
Like, dude, nobody's believing that shit, but why don't you sit right up here by the front of the stage so we can keep an eye on you, cat daddy?
But they had neck tats.
Oh, a lot of beautiful neck artwork.
You know, nothing to make you really appreciate artwork like that, like an aorta running right behind it.
And the fans that came out, you know, I had a special moment.
This group had come out a while back.
This man, I think his name was Nolan, and his wife had come out a while back and they were pregnant.
And then they came this time and he's like, do you notice anything different?
And I remembered them.
But he's like, you notice anything different?
And he's like kind of pointing at his wife.
And I'm like, you know, and the pervert in me jumps to the front of my head.
And I'm like, you know, you know, I'm thinking she got, you know, jumped up a couple of cup sizes or something.
I don't know.
And I'm trying not to look at his wife when we're right there.
And then he showed me the picture, you know, that last time they had had a baby or were pregnant.
And then this time they'd had a baby.
And just, you know, it was just cool, man.
They had come back out in like a special moment and their life had gone on.
And it just made, I don't know, it made me feel good to like, you know, I was like a little bit a part of their life.
And they were a little bit a part of mine.
You know, and last time they'd seen me, maybe I didn't have as bad as a haircut, you know?
And last time I'd seen them, they didn't have a new baby in their life.
And next thing you know, bam, here we are again.
And they cared enough to bring it up to show me, you know, because that was the difference that last time his wife had this bump.
You know, she had that gestation rocking.
You know, she's rocking those mesters, man, those trimesters.
You know, because you catch a strong hit of seed, ladies, and you start egging it up.
And next thing you know, you with child.
And so it was just cool, man.
It was nice that then they took a special moment to come to obviously get a sitter or to have one, you know, a parent or a step parent to watch the baby.
And they came out to my show to spend some time with me.
And then cared enough to show me that, you know, say, hey, look, this is what was going on in my life last time I saw you.
And then here we are again.
And it was cool, man.
They had a guy who was tweeting with me or DMing me before the show saying he was nervous to meet me.
And that made me feel, I said, well, dude, I'm fucking, I said, well, now I'm nervous to meet you.
You know, because now you may, you know, like, now, fuck, I feel like I'm on a blind date.
But yeah, man, a lot of special people came out.
You know, it was fun, man.
A lot of people that came out that were fans of this podcast, that were listeners of this thing, you know, that we're doing.
And it was, I'm trying to think of who else came out that was special, man.
They had a young fella drove in with his mother, and that was nice to see, you know, because I've never been to a, I mean, I've been to my mother's comedy, my own comedy show before, but just to go do something with my mother, man.
We hadn't really done that yet, you know.
But anyhow, it was fun, man.
So thank you, Jacksonville, for having me.
And I will be back.
And I just had a blast.
I had a blast just being, you know, just a worker among workers.
And I got to this club, man.
You can't have a big ego in a club like this because we need all hands on deck in that kind of a place.
You know, and you need everybody needs to show up with a good attitude.
And that's what gets it going.
Because if you told me right now, okay, we're going to hollow out this Walmart and put a small comedy club in one corner of it, I'd have been like, that's a horrible idea.
But if you told me today that we couldn't do that, I'd say, well, we just did it this weekend and we had a blast.
So thank you guys for coming out to that show.
I watched that Cormier fight.
That Cormier and Odesmere.
I think it's Odesmere.
And I don't know if you know about this Daniel Cormier, but he's a Louisiana guy.
And at first you think he's a chef.
Oh, Daniel Cormier?
He makes those expensive TV dinners?
No.
Daniel Cormier is a cage fighter, prize fighter.
And he was out there, and he's a national champion.
He has one of the title belts, and he's out there.
And I don't know if you've seen his bomb.
I mean, this guy, you can't tell from watching if he's 6'4 ⁇ or 5'1.
He has like a very unique body style.
Like, I mean, like the thigh bones connected to the neck bone.
You know, you're like, what?
Like, he almost looked like a like a, he looks like a really strong caramel that somebody taught to fight.
And he's out there and he kind of fights with both arms.
Like he just has this, it's almost like he's dance.
It's a bit of a dance in a way.
And look, I'm not, this man would beat my ass.
This man would, this man would finish me off like a drumette.
You know, this man would suck me down like a meat drumette.
But he was out there, Daniel Cormier, and he's, and he, he kind of, he kind of, he'll like punch with both of his arms at the same time.
So it's almost like this, this wave of aggression that was coming at Odzemir.
And Odzemir is a, I mean, this guy, he could have been nine, he could have been, he could have been 11 feet tall, dude.
I don't know what ratio I had my screen on.
It might have been 16 by 9 or something, so I don't know.
But Odzemir looked like a damn, he looked like the youngest son of a polar bear.
He looked like a lean polar bear, like somebody just beat, just like some, like a polar bear just worked out so hard all his fur fell off, and he just got real lean.
And he had the long legs, white legs, just like damn, you know, like you don't even, and he got that name, Odzemir.
Let me see what it's how it even, Ozdemmer.
Ozdemmer.
Ozdemmer.
So dude, and you're sitting there trying to figure out his name.
You're trying to buy a vowel and then damn, he hits you.
His arms, one of his arms looked like it was probably four and a half feet long.
And he just hit you with one of those polar pops.
Just pad aw.
You know, he just hit you with that polar pop.
And next thing you know, you ice cold.
Next thing you know, you waking up in the frozen food section out there out east of the city.
And you're ringing the bell for help over at the bakery section because nobody's paying attention to anything in the grocery store and it's late night hours.
And you just got polar popped by Mr. Odesmere and you woke up out there in the frozen food section.
But Cormier, you know, you could see how, I mean, that first round, and when you looked at him, the confidence that Cormier moves with is what got me.
And look, I don't know a ton about fighting.
I don't claim to know.
I used to not even like to watch these fights.
Watching them made me feel a little bit scared.
Like, that's how much of a puss I am sometimes when it comes to, you know, being out in these streets is watching a real tough fight.
I mean, I would put on knee pads or something even if I was just watching at the house.
You know, I'd check my PPO if I was even just watching at the house.
But you had Cormier out there and they're, you know, like, and at first, the first like two minutes, three minutes, it was all punches.
I mean, and I loved it.
It was like watching two men that could do other stuff choosing to punch, choosing to box.
I mean, it looked like gladiator style stuff.
You know, a couple of lights, some, you know, a couple of like placement kicks and trying to keep each other this way and that way.
You know, look like a little bit of Polish dancing here and there, but a lot of punches being thrown.
And I mean, just man shit.
Where you standing up there and still punching even though you getting punched.
And then they went down to the ground, and I thought it was going to be over.
Because Odesmere, one of his legs just popped straight out like a white flag.
I thought he was trying to surrender with his foot.
I thought he was trying to wave that foot out there.
And then the bell saved the gentleman.
And so they came back out for that second start, that second round.
And it was almost like the first round, it was like somebody pressed fast forward on the first round.
And before you know it, Cormier had him down on the ground.
And just a series of punches.
We were like, man, it was just a, I mean, I almost likened Cormier to like, I don't know if you ever heard that story of John Henry, the steel-driving man, but it was a long time ago.
They have this, you know, they have this old story.
I'm going to look it up right now.
It was when it was a long time ago.
It's a folk hero, and he worked as a steel-driving man.
His name was John Henry.
And he was the best.
If you put that man in the cave with the hammer, he was the best.
And he would just beat up the rock and he would get all through the rock and do whatever he had to do.
And then one day they came along with a machine.
And they said, well, this machine can do this job.
We don't need you to work anymore, John Henry.
And John Henry said, I can beat that machine.
And I don't remember if he beats the machine or not, but I know he dies trying.
And that's what reminded me of Cormier.
Man, he just started putting this kind of punch, and it was a slow, organized, systematic punch.
It was like when you are knocking, say your girlfriend's cheating on you and you know she's in there with a man.
And you already took a few deep breaths in the car because you're not really into her anymore.
You're past her, but you're still going to go in there and deal with that man.
So you take a few deep breaths, maybe do some light meditation, maybe get the Headspace app or something and use that for a minute before you head up to the door and you're going to knock on that door.
And you knock on that door just because that knock is going to resonate different with your old lady and that man back there plugging at each other's parts, you know, and hide and cock inside of your wife or whatever.
If he's doing, you know, back there freaking cock hiding.
Because a bang, bang, bang, that's erratic.
They're going to jump up.
You know, somebody might try to get out a window.
You know, somebody might try to hide under a pile of dirty clothes.
I did that one time.
Try to hide under a pile of dirty clothes, dude.
Oh.
First of all, I think some of the clothes was like a baby's dirty blanket or something.
You ever had a man beat your ass in a pile of dirty clothes?
Then you haven't really, really lived, probably.
And that actually happened over near Tallahassee in Florida.
That was a long time ago.
But I've had my ass beat in a pile of dirty clothes, man, and you, and that will humble you.
That will humble you right there, boy, when a fucking, when a big boy puts you on a fucking, you know, introduces you to that two-arm spin cycle.
And suddenly, you know, he's beating the dirt off of y'all.
He's beating the dirt off of y'all, man.
He's doing that laundry on you.
But that's how this was.
It was almost like going up to the door of your ex when you know she's in there, your girl, you know she's in there with a man and just that slow knock.
Because you know that you're going to be in, you are in control of this situation.
You know, you're going to get in there, you're going to whoop some ass.
You're not going to do it erratically, though, because you don't need the relationship anymore.
You're past it.
But you're still going to get in there and beat some ass.
And that's how Cormier just rocked him with this hand.
It was just this slow, planned thing.
He just knew his execution was, it was so efficient.
And it was uniquely efficient because he's an awkwardly built man.
And I don't say that to judge him.
I mean, dude, I'm fucking built.
Dude, I built a little bit like a beat down syndrome.
If you catch me, you know I, you know, in the realms beyond when the Lord was forming me, I mean, I was like a Plinko chip and almost went in that, could have fallen into that DS hole at the bottom.
But instead, I got barely regular.
But Cormier's just a unique guy, you know?
I mean, his thumb joints connected to his, you know, to his calf.
I mean, he's just this, I mean, he's just this nasty, he's this nasty caramel out there that's going to stick you to the mat.
It's going to gum up your teeth and stick you to the mat.
And I liked watching them after.
I liked watching their press conferences after, too.
Because you could tell Cormier, he said, you know, by 40 years old, I'll be done fighting.
He's 38 years old now.
And look, when I watch these men fight, I watch them do something that I could never do.
I do not have the spinal column or the balls to do that.
I could fight somebody for charity.
You know what I'm saying?
I could probably beat up a ginger.
I could probably beat up a real lean ginger for charity.
And I'm not talking about ginger or a woman's name.
I'm talking about a red-headed fella.
You know, or a strong woman.
I fight a strong woman if we got the contracts and everything.
And everybody's clean on, you know, all the gender stuff.
But man, Cormier after he said, you know, I'm 38 now, and by 40, I won't be doing this.
So you could, he said, you know, when you, when he prepared so much exactly and to see his preparation go exactly as planned.
And you believe that with him.
You just believed it.
You believed he knew his plan.
He came in and he just did exactly what his plan was.
And it was going to work or it wasn't going to work.
But you saw a man who had been in his craft and been in his realm for a long time.
You know?
And that he knew he wasn't going to waste time.
He needed this opportunity.
He wanted to win.
He wanted to defend his title.
And he wanted to get the most out of his career while he still could.
So he'd worked hard and planned ahead and made the most of his opportunity.
That's what I gathered from listening to it.
Now, I'm also no expert.
I'm no expert at all.
And if you want to be like, Theo, you are a you're a fuck Muppet.
You don't know, you would probably, you'd probably be right.
But I'll say this about Daniel Cormier.
That man is built like a damn shifer robe with a bad attitude.
That man is built like a like a shiffer robe and a fucking grizzly bear had a baby.
And he will, and he will just, I mean, I thought he could smother somebody.
I wouldn't be surprised.
He could put two kids to sleep just by putting one under each arm.
These children don't want to rest.
Fuck giving them a hit of dime a tap or that tussin.
Just pop that fucking, put them up under daddy's chest meat and they'd be out.
I mean, dude, I bet he could damn, he could panini, he could press a sandwich, dude.
He could make a panini right there up against his rib cage with his own wing.
And he seemed like that kind of man.
But also, it was cool to listen to this Odesmere kid.
And I say kid, who's probably 11 feet tall.
And he looks at a ladder and he's like, yeah, whatever, guy.
I'm not taking it easy today.
This man could be his, he could do his own work.
And he said, he was so young.
He said he'd been fighting for a year or so, and suddenly he was at the title.
And he thought that he would be back at the title.
And he also seemed, one thing that was really interesting to me that was cool about him that made him seem very human was that he said, well, I'm in Boston, and tomorrow I'm going to try to get out and go see the city.
And I thought that that was, you know, I wish I could have that kind of attitude sometimes.
You know, when something rough has happened to me or something that didn't go, I mean, this guy just had a chance to win a belt, a gold belt.
I mean, you don't get a chance to win a gold belt unless you are in, you know, unless you, you know, fist fighting a bitch up there on Beverly Hills Boulevard at one of these fancy belt shops, or unless you're in the WWE or the UFC, or unless you're in ancient Egypt.
Those only, you don't get to fist fight nobody for a gold belt.
And he said, you know, and he lost, he didn't win.
But he was like, well, I'm here in Boston.
I'm going to go see the city tomorrow.
I'm going to put on some sunglasses and I'm going to go see some of the city.
And I thought that that was pretty cool that he was going to take something away.
Because look, man, one thing that I'm slowly learning is that if I'm going to lose, I'm going to learn.
I'm going to learn something.
I'm taking something out of this, out of this swamp.
I'm taking something out of this swamp.
You know, you might get me in here and it might be nasty and dirty.
I might almost drown.
I might take an L, but I'm leaving out of here with a beautiful piece of birch.
I'm gonna learn something.
But that was some cool stuff that went on, man.
That fight, being in Jacksonville.
Sorry if I'm rambling, guys.
I got real coffee today.
You know, trying to stealth them Keurig pods.
And I've talked about that, and I got that real coffee coming back in.
I'm excited to tell you, too, that I want to thank the Patreon supporters.
We got a new website that's being put together so we can get more interactive here.
So I'm, man, I'm just grateful.
I'm so grateful.
You know, we got a lot of cool stuff happening.
Yeah, it's just going to be fun, and we're going to do some fun stuff.
I've got some fun dates coming up.
I'll be at Harvey's in Portland February 8th through the 11th, and those tickets are on sale now.
Also, we're trying to set up a video to go do, we got a hamster rancher that reached out.
And a lot of you guys know that I grew up in the game.
You know, I was in, you know, selling hamps, G-Pigs out there off of Lee Road over there in St. Tammany Parish.
And this man does it.
He's caught up in that.
And so we're going to try to do a special video where we go out and meet this hamster rancher and see what the life's like out there when he out there.
If they still using these little baby bottles or, you know, we had these like kind of drip rails where we put some cold milk and water all in these drip rails.
And then it would just hold the drop onto the bottom of the rail.
And then all these little offspring could come up and just drink right off the rail.
That's how we used to feed them.
February 16th through 18th, I'll be at La Jolla in California at the comedy store, La Jolla.
22nd through the 24th, I'll be in Indio at Fantasy Springs Casino.
If you want to gamble and lose your money, but also still laugh for a little bit, Fantasy Springs is a fun place to do that.
March 15th and 16th, I'll be in Tacoma at the Comedy Club, and that's in Washington.
March 17th in Spokane.
April 6th and 7th, Tampa, Florida at Rock Brothers Brewing.
That's two nights.
And we're also getting Chicago on the books.
So I'm trying to figure out where to do that.
If you know a neat theater or something in Chicago that's not too big, you know what I'm saying?
We ain't selling out the world.
So we need an intimate experience.
So it could be a theater or a place where they have comedy shows that's kind of medium size, maybe seats 100, 150 or to 200 maybe.
Let me know and we'll see what we can do.
We're trying to do something cool there.
Also, take it, if you want to email me in some, trying to put together some art for a dark arts tour and some dark arts shirts.
And, you know, kind of, that's sort of become the vibe.
You know, people have been reaching out about the dark arts and trying to stay in them and trying to stay out of them.
You know, and I mean, I got caught up this weekend in this motel.
And it was a hotel, actually.
But I forgot to say hotel when I started talking about it a second ago.
And, dude, something about a hotel, I don't know what they, if they put like a something in the carpet that just makes you masturbate.
But damn, if they, you know, some of the patterns in the carpet, I feel like, you know, you're walking down the hall, and the next thing you know, you get hypnotized by the carpet pattern.
Next thing you know, you jerking off and ordering stromboli or something from a local Italian eatery.
And next thing you know, it's two days later.
And it's just something about, you know, I do not do well, man.
I don't do well when I get into some of those hotels and motels.
And I just get to, you know, I get the depression that gets in me.
And I get caught up and I just get in a bad cycle.
You know, my day would be a lot better if I could just get off to that strong start.
And that's where I need to really try and do some work.
And I don't know if that means investing in a trainer, you know, or what it means, but I got to do something because if I can get good, when I get going, I'm going.
I'm going onward.
And I don't do bad, but I just need a stronger start.
But when I look at my life, I've always been a late bloomer.
And so it doesn't surprise me that that strikes me often daily.
But those are some dates we have coming up.
And you can always go to theovon.com slash store if you want to grab this past weekend onward shirt or we got some other ones on there.
You ain't got the balls to grow the falls.
The hair is growing out.
And I'm going to get it actually cut up and tightened up this weekend for my boy John, who's a long-distance bicyclist, non-homosexual guy.
And he's a long-distance bicyclist.
And I'm going to go over there and get caught up by him get trimmed up and tightened up.
What else, man?
I want to get into some other things.
Oh, I want to talk.
I do want to talk about the football games.
I know, you know, it's going to be brief here.
You know, I'm sorry to those Jacksonville fans.
It's tough.
Man, it's tough to see that.
But you got a beautiful community over there of, you know, people that were kind of brought together.
You know, they had a dude last night who was supposed to be in a wheelchair, but I guess the family hadn't have a lot of money, and they put him in a souped up high chair, you know, like a baby's high chair.
But they had it rocked out with some, you know, some fours on there, some fives, you know, five-inch wheels.
And I, you know, at first I was like, damn, what the fuck?
But then it brought me back to this is the kind of environment that I grew up in.
You know, people out here, dude, we had this group by us, Hoovers, and one of the brothers is Physically handicapped, and he couldn't walk or nothing.
You know, he wasn't doing any walking, or they never taught him how to walk, maybe.
Because it looked like he could walk now that I really think about it, but maybe they never taught him how to walk because he lived in that kind of household.
Because at certain levels of poverty and certain levels of trickle-down, lack of trickle-down economics, your family, you know, the most basic things are going to be tough for you.
And they had one brother, and the older boy would just put him on his back, wear him on his back like a backpack.
Because the older boy was one of the strongest kids I've ever seen.
You know, one of his teeth was like four teeth in one.
Like that kind of dude.
Like, fuck.
Like, super strong.
Probably didn't even sleep.
Probably just stayed awake forever until if he's dead, then he's gone now.
But probably always stayed awake.
That kind of person.
You know?
Tattoos.
He had a bunch of tattoos.
Didn't even know where he got them.
Tattoos that had nothing to do with him.
You know, R.I.P.
Angela.
And you're like, who's Angela?
He's like, I don't know.
You're like, well, fuck.
You know, somebody knew long enough to hold you down and write it on you.
You know, you'd think you'd have got more intel whenever it's going on.
But he used to wear his brother on his back, his brother that couldn't walk.
So I've been around that type.
He'd wear him on his back like a backpack.
Just hold both of his arms on his chest and just be rocking his brother.
You know, his brother had that limp.
He was limp from the waist down, kind of.
Dude, they had this one brother by me, this black guy, and his legs, he had something, real lean legs, you know, not a lot of muscular bone in there.
He might have had zero bone.
He might have had that fucking mermaidism or something.
Zero bone in his legs.
And he got them.
I remember one time for graduation, dude, he got his legs fucking braided.
He had his hair braided, cornrowed, and he had his fucking legs braided around each other.
I was like, damn, man, that's gangster as fuck.
When you braiding your appendages just to look nice for something?
So, you know, it just, that was another thing about Jacksonville.
This took me back to just being in regular times.
And I saw this man who was in this, you know, kind of cooped out high chair, you know, this baby eatery.
And him and his buddy was sitting there and they talking about the game.
And they were so excited.
And you could tell, I don't know if you could tell that they hadn't had a lot of excitement in their life, but there is something about a team doing well that brings people together.
And that, you know, when you see somebody, they're wearing the same emblem as you, even if it's a trademark, it's a national football team, whatever.
Sports does that for people.
It brings people together.
And I was sorry to see Jacksonville lose.
Because America, I think people are tired of seeing Boston win.
You know, I even had a Boston fan.
And if there's a Boston fan out there who can tell me more about this, that they're tired of seeing the Patriots win.
Because I bet at some point it does have to get a little...
And I'm not saying you are, like you're taking the victory every year, but you're achieving it.
Does it still at a certain point feel like it's...
Maybe greed isn't the word, but what does that feel like?
I'm curious about that.
If you feel like, you know what, let's let somebody else do it.
You know, it'd be nice to see somebody else do it.
And then Minnesota, they lost that game, and they got they ass whooped by the Philadelphia Eagles.
And I apologize.
I don't think there's a nicer stretch of people in America, kinder people than in Minnesota.
I really don't.
And I think there's a lot of kind people out there.
But they even have a thing called Minnesota Nice, where people are just so nice that they don't even know what's going on.
Some guy died a couple years ago there because he had just been so nice to people.
And they're like, what happened to him?
They're like, he fucking, he just niced out.
You know, they found him and he'd just been nice to death.
Just too nice.
Like, damn.
But I was talking to Shy Chris, who is the assistant who's helping out here on the pod here.
And he's a Latino gentleman.
And he was saying, he said, well, you know what the thing about Minnesota was, they didn't get a team win last week.
They won the game, but it was just a player beat a player at that last minute, that last second.
And it didn't feel like a team win.
So you had a team in there in the NFC Championship that had accidentally gotten there, it seemed like.
And I'm not trying to discredit Minnesota, but that made sense to me.
It was like, yeah, it felt like their team didn't win that game, but that they slipped by.
So then you have to think about it.
Then you have a team that worked their way into there, Philadelphia, and you have a team that it seemed like kind of slipped in.
And so it's really tough for that team that slipped in, you know, because of, you know, the miracle in Minnesota.
If it took a miracle to get you there, then what's it going to take to get you past through that next game?
You know, a team miracle?
You know, what's it going to take?
Philadelphia got to be in a plane crash?
Like, what would it have taken for them to get to that next game?
But my team's out.
So obviously I'm sour.
You know, the Saints ate it.
And their coach is out there, I think, on them perks.
And he's out there dancing and doing all of this and that.
And I don't know.
I'm just, I guess, pissed at my team's out.
But that's your Super Bowl.
It's going to be Boston versus Philadelphia.
Bad accent.
Bad accents, boy.
Man, that's going to be fun.
I am excited.
I'm excited for that game.
I think it's going to be good.
I also think that what else is good is that Gray Block Pizza.
And Gray Block Pizza is our charter sponsor, and I couldn't be more grateful to have a group come on board and help us and get us and feed the need in all of us to have that HIDA.
gray block pizza their link will be in the information the woman's march came in that thing came in hot and uh and we had a call that came in and i'm gonna get start slowly start to get to some of these and uh here was one of them right here that kind of came in talking about um aziz and sorry and i haven't listened to any of the calls i do look through because they are trans they're transposed on um on the voicemail service but so
i can see sometimes vaguely what they say or if it's somebody that i recognize it is called or if it's somebody that needs some you know direct you know friendship but uh but i don't know um but i'm trying not to listen to them so i can hear them firsthand here we go hey theo this is jessica from salt lake city hey jessica in salt lake and i've had a lot of people reach out from salt lake to say come to town and the owner of that club there wise guys this man keith stubbs he uh he sent me a direct message
yesterday after i've tagged him in about 20 tweets over the past two years and he said hey man let's see about getting you in for a weekend so um we're gonna try to make that happen there and i'm grateful about that let's hear more calling in about aziz ansari and his allegations yep aziz ansari had the big sexual allegations last week and he seems to have you know he got off the hook on them i don't know how heavy the allegations were it seemed like a woman had um just recounted what
to some people would just call a bad date uh or a sexual experience that she decided afterwards that she didn't really like and maybe during she decided she didn't like but he didn't get that same impression and whether that's because he isn't keen to getting impressions from people which I wouldn't be surprised or whether he it was just whatever it was just a regular date and he didn't think anything of it
let's hear more and I just want to say maybe instead of bringing up things that we may or may not know to be true maybe don't bring them up and I'm saying this because you guys already feel isolated enough we don't need to be addressing things that we know to not be an issue or and or be true okay so I'm thinking you're saying that you know if we're not sure the truth then let's don't talk about
it but that's you know and look I feel you it's a little bit scary to talk about stuff when you don't know the factuality on it yet you don't know when there's no real jurisdiction on it but then part of that is what what we do in the world we we talk about stuff we communicate about it you know we're afraid I mean the first time I talked about Aziz thing on the show I was afraid to say that I felt like whenever I met him a couple times that I met him he
was a dick that he wasn't friendly that he was one of the only people that ever shook my hand and didn't look at me when he did it while he was being introduced to me you know that made me feel kind of less than you know it made me but then some of that could just be my own shit maybe that's just hollywood maybe that's just the way it is but i was afraid to kind of say that because sometimes i get afraid to to say shit to say what you know i guess i get worry about the repercussions in my business well
you know this guy's talking bad about comedians talking bad about this or that um yeah but i think sometimes we just we try and talk about stuff but yeah maybe bringing it up wasn't wasn't that good i'm curious to hear if you tell me more about why you think that onward perhaps maybe we should think about things that are going on with the me too movement that aren't being addressed like people not being charged for these outrageous crimes that they've committed and i'm awlessly bringing this up
because this has created a divide in between me and my spouse where he feels isolated and i feel neglected in regards to these types of issues that are finally being brought to light but we're looking over here saying well what about this guy what did he do it's just another distraction ah and that could be another distraction look i'll say this and i'm working in hollywood i'm trying to make a career for myself here i would not
put anything past hollywood i wouldn't put it past them because it's too big of a money machine for hollywood not to you know push and pull punches the way that they need them to be pushed and pulled yeah i wouldn't be surprised if i'm sure i would well i'm not sure i would bet that somebody said oh aziz is way too big of a money maker you know it's way there's way too many wagons hooked to this pony
for him to go down if he goes down man he's you know he's in me i think he's emmy winner you know he's got a hit series he sold out madison square garden that is a lot of money if he goes down we are fucked some people are sitting there looking say we're fucked financially we're not fucked or we're just not going to make that extra loot so of course then you reach out to a writer you know of you know some a PR person and you say look this allegation came out what's a neat way that we
could frame this or what's another angle we can show of this to put out there to get people to think bigger or get people to think differently or get people to at least see both sides of it and now I'm not saying that Aziz was guilty of anything he may not have been when I read back on it I look at just the elements that we know about it seems like he was a dude that was trying to fuck that was trying to get laid she seemed like a young lady who probably who
statistically just based on their the lengths of time they've been alive wasn't able to hook up with a lot of dudes probably so you know maybe hadn't been in this type of environment that seemed like the first celebrity kind of guy she'd been around or been with and he you know did he use his power I don't know I don't think so it doesn't Seem like he like it, doesn't seem like he was like, I'm Aziz and sorry, fuck me.
It just seems like he was being a dude trying to bang or trying to catch a nin, trying to catch some nut magic.
And she was a young girl who didn't really know what was going on.
And then I think a lot of girls are confused now as to even, well, if I just had a bad date, do I suppose not complain, but am I supposed to say that?
What if I just had a bad date four years ago?
Dude, I remember being young, this girl, first time I got a hand job, jerked me off into this river.
And the fish all came and ate a bunch of my damn semen.
You know, and I'm sorry for being dirty here and talking about like this, but I remember busting out, first time I ever busted out in front of a woman.
And the fish come right up there, have it all.
And I remember thinking I was going to go to hell, dude.
But do I come out now and say that this girl beat me off into a river and tried to, you know, demoralize me by making me feel that I was feeding fish with my body make?
I don't know.
I don't think so.
So it's just, but if, you know, but if I was under this, but if I was a girl and the roles were switched and there was this Me Too movement, I might think that.
I might think, well, shit, I had a weird experience.
I got to share mine.
I think it's just vague.
And when things get vague and things are vague, that's when there's a lot of wiggle room.
And unfortunately, in this type of environment, there's a lot of wiggle room where people can get, careers can get damaged.
But yeah, they could easily, you know, maybe they push that envelope a little bit with somebody big to take the onus off of more important celebrities and more important issues.
Let's hear more.
I'm sorry to, you know, talk on your time here, Jessica.
I really am onward.
Maybe let's talk about how Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, and all of them have yet to even be charged instead of giving coverage to some shit that who gives a shit what she's talking about.
Okay, and that's a good point.
Yeah, it's like we're talking about this weird date maybe that this guy went on or a bad date.
But then you have these, you know, you have real men over here who are not being charged with real crimes.
And I think the thing there is that those are real crimes and there's nothing slower in America than justice or the, you know, the legal system.
And I think you could see a while before, I think those charges are probably being packaged, if you will.
You know, and they're crossing, you know, probably legally, they're crossing all their T's and I's dotting their I's or crossing their I's if they're fucking idiots.
And they're probably putting those packages together to make those charges.
Yeah, because those are bigger things.
You know, those are bigger things.
But yeah, you had the woman's march this weekend.
And I look, you know, I mean, I've said this before.
You know, I grew up a single mom.
I remember my mom got fired.
My mother had a decent job at one point where she was making some money.
And her boss was mean to her, mistreated her, you know, really talked down to her.
And my mother complained to above her boss.
She complained to her boss's boss, both of whom were men.
And my mom got fired.
She got fired.
And then after that, we did go into some tougher times because it was right after she had her fourth child.
And I just think it was a lot on her.
I think it broke her spirit some.
And that's when my parents got divorced and stuff.
And I just think that, you know, so I'll stand behind any woman that is trying to make their lives better.
There's nothing that's, you know, strained me personally in my life more than seeing, you know, women not be allowed to feel comfortable and be themselves.
But this March, to me, this weekend, it seemed like a cute sign festival, if I'm honest.
If I'm looking on Instagram this time, all of it seemed kind of vague.
I still think it's a good idea.
Get together.
But it also seemed like a cute sign festival.
Who can make the cutest sign?
Also, sometimes in a lot of this stuff, when it's vague to me, there's a lot of room for anybody can get in there.
You know, a lot of people just trying to make money.
A lot of celebrities show up to those things.
Oh, they got to get their women's march thing in because that's their avenue to make cash.
You know, that's, I mean, feminism, the feminism movement and some, I mean, there's some feminists that it's just a, this is a cash game to them.
And that's unfortunate.
But I think that smart women can see that, and smart men can see that.
And so I think if those are some of the outliers of things that happen, that you have these people taking advantage of the system for there to be, for young women to feel empowered and feel stronger to have a voice, then I think that that's good.
But I think it's unhealthy when you raise, when I feel like there's a lot of women out there who are being just young women who are being told that men are bad.
That men are bad.
And I just feel that, I see that as being not healthy long term.
Because a lot of just angry women out there.
You also have a lot of lesbians out there who are like out there being like, fuck men, you know?
Well, like, yeah, you're going to say that.
You're a lesbian.
You have no interest in men.
Like, where are there any lesbians that are like, yeah, men are okay?
No, because they're trying to catch that split.
A lot of lesbians are just undercover men.
And you know a lot of them are out there in these streets, in these DC hotel rooms, catching these wild plastic parties and doing All of that after these marches.
It's like I'll bring your sweaty legs up into 319, you know, and I'll wash your legs off in the tub with some Avion water and use one of these big electric-powered wieners on you and doing things like that.
So just be, I mean, look, you just got to be wise and everything, but I think a lot of people see what's going on.
You know, I think there's a lot of people, you know, if there's a woman out there who got a sitter for her kids, you know, or had made her husband watch me and said, I want to go out there and walk and feel some empowerment.
Man, that's awesome.
You know, I want to go and see what it feels like to be around a bunch of women and feel good.
But it also seemed like a lot of stuff out there, people didn't know what it was for.
Some people out there just hating Trump.
Some people out there posting 50 Instagrams trying to get their cutest sign that they could.
You know, and so I think it's just, it was just mixed.
But then maybe that's what it's supposed to be.
Maybe the women are just marching.
But a lot of women arguing, too, I saw on social media about what the whole cause was.
And that shit was hilarious.
Because you just have a bunch of women arguing in the street about what they're there even to discuss or what they're there even to talk about.
But it was interesting.
I appreciate you calling, Jessica.
Let's go to another call here, man.
Let's do that.
We're here.
Let's do it.
Hey, Theo.
There's a new app out.
Now, it's similar to those apps similar to Uber.
They have this other app, I believe it's called Sooth, and it's for massages.
So you enter your location and a certified masseuse, massage therapist, will come to your house and give you a massage that you had ordered through the app.
Oh, wow.
I appreciate this call.
She's saying you can get a massage off an app.
So you can get a pizza and somebody to fucking, you know, come over and touch your trapeziuses all in a couple of clicks of a button.
Let me hear more about this, man.
Sounds questionable to me.
I brought this up with my girlfriend.
Anyway, she didn't think it was a good idea.
She actually thought it was quite dirty.
She thought the app would be used for sexual pleasures and whatnot.
And we got into a little bit of an argument over, I said it's for working professionals and busy people.
And she thinks it's just another outlet or excuse for creeps to have dirty massages come to their door.
I think it could be.
I think it could be, but it could be what we're headed to.
You know, if you have to have documentation, you have to have people sign off on a release to touch each other anymore.
It could be what we're headed to.
You know, there's probably going to be a special, you know, some guy pedaling around a special bathtub or something you got to even jerk off in.
Watch it.
Watch, two years from now, there's going to be like a meter on your drain and no jerk off can go down there.
And if you jerk off, you got to do it into a special tub and they got a, you know, a couple of men bicycling these tubs around.
And some of these men might be Latino men and I'm not judging them, but let's be honest, that Latino, the Latino population keeps America afloat.
Dude, this country is red, white, and beige.
Let's be honest.
And so that'd be probably pretty wild.
It might be pretty cool, you know?
Your boy Javier pulls up and you tip him five bucks to look the other way and he, you know, it's mono-y mono.
He respects the fact that this is the way it is now.
That you're not allowed to, you know, sexually, you know, feel any desires anymore as a man.
So you have to just, you know, and he's just running that seed tub.
And it's just, you know, and there's a lot of respect there.
I could almost see in that being that, that being a beautiful film.
You know, where maybe there's somebody that lives out in the, you know, in a field or something, somewhere on the edge of town, you know, out in the country.
And he's at a, you know, but Javier still bikes that tub out there and cycles that, you know, that septicle.
He just, he still cycles that septicle out there so the man, you know, can, you know, jerk off a couple more times, you know, and still feel like a man a little bit.
And they talk about manhood shit real low-key.
And then, you know, and then Javier cycles back in.
And that's it.
It's almost like a kind of like a new age kind of dances with wolves, you know?
I don't know what's going to happen.
But yeah, I don't know.
Look, I think, yeah, a lot of women will be using that to sell sex.
But that's what's happening now.
I mean, look, if you don't think that the sex selling trade is going on, it's going on.
I mean, you go to backpage.com and find you an escort any day of the week.
Now, I will tell you that the ladies on there that you see in the pictures are not the ladies that are going to come to your door.
It's going to be a different lady.
Okay?
That's going to be a different lady.
What they're going to show you on the website is going to be Johnston and Murphy.
And what's going to show up at your door is going to be more like Totinos.
You see what I'm saying?
You're going to get a different product.
So just beware.
But what I do think is neat about, I was just chiming back in on that women's march for a second.
If you're a young girl and you see a lot of women getting together and doing something and feeling empowered as a young, I think that would be neat, you know, if my sisters or whatever saw that when we were kids.
You know, say we're, you know, and it's fun and it looks neat.
But I don't know if it looks neat when it's a bunch of women out there, you know, just yelling, blaming everything in the world on, blaming all the sexism and everything in the world on Donald Trump and blaming it on white people.
I mean, there's a lot of racist shit going on out there.
You know, a lot of white people blaming white people for shit.
Dude, don't do that shit.
I'm so sick of that.
I'm so sick of, and it's mostly entitled white people.
They're now going to try to flip the script and blame, they're blaming poor white people.
Everything's redneck white people's fault are the most racist people in the world.
That's bullshit, dude.
You know what I'm saying?
I grew up around those people.
And nobody, a lot of times, helped more people in our town and in our neighborhood that had different color in their skin than the people that you're saying are pieces of shit.
So sometimes I just get so sick of that, man.
Because there's nothing more racist than saying that.
Oh, just because someone's poor and white and they live off of a highway or they are in the 4-H club, suddenly they're a racist.
You're a fucking idiot if you think that.
That's narrow-minded.
That's just as narrow-minded as me thinking that a whole group is one way.
It's the same thing.
It's the same thing.
If there's something different, I'd love to hear a different note on that because maybe, and you can tell I'm agitated by it.
I can feel it in my chest.
I can feel my neck starting to think, you know, my neck is starting to think a little bit.
You ever get that when you feel agitated?
You can feel your neck start thinking.
Your neck's like, damn, man, what the fuck is up?
But some of this stuff, you know, some of these women are just out there trying to take all the blame off of them.
Oh, you're a white woman.
You have never done any.
You never, you know, see a lot of white privilege running around out there, trying to pretend behind different signs that they're not involved in it, you know?
And everybody claiming, you know, just, I don't know.
And I'm off the handle here, but you know what?
I don't know if I've ever been on the handle.
Oh.
Pretty fun news story right here, I'll tell you.
Surgeon caught tagging people's liver during surgery.
And that is some straight-up G shit right there.
Simon Bramhall was caught signing his name onto livers that he was performing surgery on.
He was supposed to be stopping the liver from bleeding, but couldn't help but leave his mark after a job well done.
Simon claims no bodily harm was done to patient, but the court didn't see it that way.
And he was charged with assault causing actual bodily harm and was fined 10,000 British pounds.
Come on.
I mean, if somebody died, yes.
Lock him up.
But if he's just out there tagging up a couple of organs, dude, it sounds like he grew up in Tucson, Arizona.
And I remember when I went to school in Tucson for a semester over at Santa Rita High School out there in Tucson.
And half of our class, dude, these young, you know, and this, it was a lot of, it was mostly Hispanic, and it was mostly Mexican.
A lot of, dude, half of our class would be outside.
Fucking spray painting their homework onto the side of the building.
Oh, they'd be like, oh, I did fucking lesson four right here, miss.
And just be just tagging up the whole side of the building.
I mean, some dude wrote a whole term paper on the side of a car wash next door.
And so maybe that's what this dude was doing, you know?
I think it's kind of innovative.
I think it's kind of neat.
If they could do it, though, like, what's he writing it with?
If he's writing with a scapula, you know, or something sharp, that's probably dangerous.
But hey, man, whatever you got to do.
Was he putting it on Instagram?
If he's not putting it on Instagram, it don't even count.
So, yeah, man.
What else, dude?
Oh, the government shut down.
Good.
Let it shut down for a little bit.
I'm going to be fine.
You know why?
Because I'm able to take care of myself.
I have a job.
That's it.
I don't need the government, man.
If we shut down some of these news media outlets, I think maybe we can finally find some peace in our day.
I don't know who has more blood on their hands sometimes.
You know, this inefficient.
To me, this government's been inefficient for 40 years, man.
Rich getting richer.
Poor aren't really being helped.
Aren't really being inspired.
But I do feel like there's a little more inspiration out there these days.
So that is good.
You know, and also, I don't fucking know.
I don't know.
And also, I didn't get much sleep last night.
I got up in Jacksonville this morning, 5 a.m., caught that flight here to Los Angeles.
One more news story.
Ultra runner wins marathon by hiding in a bathroom.
Kelly Agnew, a record holder for the White Rim Trail and runner-up at the 2013 Pony Express Trail 100, found guilty of hiding inside of a port-a-potty during the race, and then when everybody went by cutting corners, Hitting that end of the race.
Popping out that shitter.
And catching that medallion.
And that's...
Oh.
Sorry, I just had to clear my throat and caught a whole oyster of just snot.
Ooh.
That thing could have had a pearl in it, boy.
Dude, I could have put that thing on a cracker, put a little bit of lemon on it, a little bit of horseradish, a little bit of pony sauce, that white sauce.
Fucking lit my eyeballs up.
Make my dick think about me.
That's how I like to have my oysters like that.
But this dude, he was hiding, man, hiding in a shitter, popped out, caught that medallion, tried to win the race.
And that's, you know, you get busted.
You get busted doing that.
You cutting corners.
You're hiding in shitters, dude.
That's what you get.
But I just want to let you know that that's what's going on out there.
That's what's going on out there.
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I had this email come in and I want to read it right now.
This is an email.
Said, hey Theo, I'd like to call in, but I'm a little too nervous and quite frankly embarrassed.
I'm a young man, 20 and a half, 20 and a half.
You know you're young when you start still counting, when you're still counting halves.
Remember that?
You're like, yeah, I'm seven and a half.
Well, I'm nine and three quarters.
Man, that was fun.
Now I'll try to fucking hide a year anyway I can.
But he said, I'm 20 and a half and I'm from Phoenix, Arizona.
Long story short, I'm not happy with my life situation at the moment.
I'm thinking about dropping out of school, but I'm not sure how my parents will feel about me doing so.
I feel like school just isn't for me.
I love to learn and have discussions in class, and I don't think of myself as an idiot.
I've always gotten mediocre grades, which has always either disappointed or shocked my teachers.
Anyway, I just feel lost.
I've changed my majors a few times already, and I just find myself staring at back all over again every semester.
Starting back all over again every semester.
Sorry.
He didn't spell it right and I didn't read it right.
So we both had kind of a part in that.
I'm scared of how my friends and peers from high school will think about me when I see them at parties.
Most importantly, I'm scared of what my parents would think of me.
The last thing I want to do is disappoint them.
My dad came to this country from Mexico and opened his own business, and of course he expects us to be successful in life.
And of course, that means school.
What I truly want to do at this point is drop out and start working and save up to open my own business soon.
I would really appreciate your feedback, and I'm also curious if you've ever encountered these kinds of things when you were in school.
I appreciate you emailing in, man.
And his name, I believe, is Jose Ochoa.
This was on the email.
I'm not sure if that's right or not.
But I appreciate you writing in.
I know it is Ochoa is his last name.
Mr. Ochoa, I appreciate you writing in.
Have I encountered this?
Yeah, it took me about 10 years to finish college.
I went to a bunch of different colleges.
And I didn't know, for a while, I didn't think it was for me.
I almost took that.
For me, I took an angry sense of pride in like, man, college isn't for everyone, you know.
And that's true.
It's not.
But for me, I didn't think I was going to finish.
And so I used that angle to make me feel better about it.
If I'm thinking I'm not going to finish, like, fuck, I don't know if I'm ever going to finish college.
Then for me to be like, oh, man, not everybody needs college, then that's easier.
It's an easier way for me to digest it and to hold on to what might be happening, that I might not be graduating.
And eventually I did.
And I was glad that I did because it just took it out of my life.
It took it out of my life.
And, you know, my mother was a very educated woman.
She graduated from Duke University, second in her class.
She was a smart lady.
You know, she made some, you know, some tough choices and she had some tough choices to face.
So I at least had that influence of college.
But what made me want to really go to college and get a degree and why I decided to finish was a basketball coach from when I was 11 and 12 years old, this man, Mr. Steve, coached Steve, and actually broke into his house a couple years later, just, you know, just being a dumb kid and being ungrateful.
But he told me, he said, you know why he goes, you got to get your diploma.
And I said, why?
And he said, because they can't take it away from you.
That's what he said.
He said, they can't take it away from you.
And I didn't know who they were.
And I still don't know who they are.
But more, and so I got my diploma.
And that was the reason.
It was him saying that.
It was a man in my life that took a moment to tell me something.
And for some reason, from that man, I could hear it.
You know, my basketball coach was one of the, you know, I'd never even gotten to play basketball until I was 11. And so he put me on that team.
You know, and I made the little all-star team in our town.
And it gave me like one of the first senses of pride that I ever felt as a child, probably, you know, of like, you know, because he was a man that cared enough.
He would come to pick me up.
Damn, y'all got me fucking emotional, man.
What the hell?
But he would come to pick me up and take me to practice, you know.
And, you know, I'd never had a man come and pick me up and take me anywhere.
You know, I'd never had it.
And I just remember feeling like just a lot of, you know, just a lot of gratitude towards him.
You know, maybe at the time I didn't, now I do looking back.
But I did, I don't know, at the time, I just, I don't know, it made me feel good.
It made me feel a part of something.
You know, it made me feel a part of something.
You know, he would pick me up over in my neighborhood, which is kind of a shitty neighborhood.
He would take me over there to the nice gym where we would practice.
And we won a city championship, our team.
And, you know, it was, and it was just like things that made me feel, you know, they made me feel like every other kid.
You know, they made me feel okay.
They made me feel a little bit of pride.
You know, I remember taking a hammer and a nail and, you know, hammering up.
They gave us a certificate that says city champs on it.
And I remember just nailing it into my wall, you know, right next to this Jim McMahon poster.
But anyway, not to get too far off base here, but He said, you get your diploma, he goes, because they can't take it away from me.
And I didn't know who they were.
But now when I look back, I realize that they, for me, they were me.
The thing in my head that tells me I never got it done.
That's what it was.
It was, they can't take it away from you.
And also, it's people, no one can ever say, oh, he didn't get a diploma.
And so this would be my suggestion for you.
And college is not for everyone.
I just don't want you to be quitting because not because you don't.
Here's what I would say.
I think if you got time to get it, maybe try and get it at your pace.
You know, put a class on the docket.
Look, man, and that's what I did.
It took, dude, I went to six or seven different universities.
You know, I was taking, I finally got my stuff through University of New Orleans online.
You know, I finished up with a degree in damn urban planning, dude.
I'm a fucking neighborhood designer.
You know, but I mean, it's, you get what you get, you know, but they can't take it away from you if you get it.
So my suggestion to you would be to map out a small plan, even if it's a 10-year plan, and do that and get that done.
Because I think that you can, I think you can do it.
And over 10 years, you can make it happen, man.
Now, if at five years in or whatever, or fucking, in another two years, you're like, fuck that, that's ridiculous, it doesn't work for me, then okay, that's it.
You're done.
You don't need to, you know, maybe it's not for you.
Maybe you come back later and you do it.
And you mentioned a small business, but I would have a plan as to what that business is.
Whatever you're doing, I would have some semblance of a plan.
But at 20 years old, man, you have time to get that or get your associates or get something.
And you could still go join the military for a term or two.
I mean, you still have a lot of time to do a lot of things.
So whatever you do, I would try to have a little bit of a plan.
I know it's hard at your age.
And it might be tough to be honest with your family and your friends, but just tell them.
You know, have that same message you wrote to me.
Just talk to your dad.
Look, I respect you more than anything, dad.
You know, I mean, my father was first generation from Nicaragua.
You know, when he came here and, you know, and he worked hard, and he made a lot of friends.
He didn't make any money.
But I know that he found joy in a new country.
And I didn't know him that much because he was so much older.
So we don't have a lot of, you know, we're not on a lot of the same page there.
But I would just, you know, here, I'm just rambling a little bit, but I would have a plan.
Whatever you're going to do, at 20, I think I would try and have a plan.
And that's going to be hard probably at 20. But if you can start to have a plan now, man, sky's a limit for you, Mr. Ochoa.
The sky is a limit for you.
But I commend you, man.
It's something, you know, you got a neat story.
And I think that that's, I always wanted to go live in another country.
You know, I was always envious of people that, just that, I cannot even imagine what your father went through.
You know, and my father for that point.
But, you know, we're talking about your father right now and just coming to a new place and being so, you know, probably so scared, but also so inspired by the ability that just knowing that if they had, that if he worked hard, that he had a chance.
Because that's what's missing in a lot of other countries.
You know, we sit here and a lot of times people are marching and throwing up all this shit on social media saying, well, this is going on in this country and we need to help it.
We need to solve it.
Well, go help it.
Go help it.
There's a woman getting rocks thrown at her in Iran.
Go hold a shield up in front of her.
Go do something.
You know, because how we can help is by people here achieving their dreams.
You know, and we're doing that.
You know, like a lot of the help, a lot of the help that America does is what's going on right here.
You know, and I know that's kind of a vague segue right there, but you get out there, man.
I cheer you on, dude.
Those are some thoughts that I have.
And also, bro, if you don't like what I said, take it for a grain of salt.
I would ask five other people that you trust, and then I would just get a look at some of their thoughts, and then I'd make your own decision.
But they can't take it away from you if you get it.
They can't take it away.
You always have it.
And they, for me, were those questions, were those people in the back of my head, were my own negative thoughts that would say, oh, you didn't get your diploma.
Well, I got that thing.
I got that hitter.
Let's see if we do one more call, man, because we're going on long here, and I actually, I got a practice tonight.
I'm actually going to have to run.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, man.
I'm actually going to have to run, I think.
Chris, you in here?
Is there one we want to finish out on, brother?
I'm sorry.
I don't think we have time before we're about out.
Okay.
Yeah, but that was interesting, man.
I appreciate you guys' calls.
We had some other things we wanted to talk about and stuff.
We didn't get to them.
We might do a Thursday episode this week.
And I guess if you have some suggestions for Mr. Ochoa, was that his name, Chris?
I don't remember how to pronounce his name.
Okay.
Damn, Chris, you're Latino.
You don't even know, dog.
Come on, bro.
Damn, bro.
I'm just messing with you, man.
Yeah, but if you have some suggestions for him, maybe that's what we'll do, if you have some.
I might make a Thursday episode this week.
Have some other stuff we're trying to do.
You know, we just got to get some other things going on in here.
We're trying to get the studio made so we can have a guest in sometimes.
And then we just have the rest of our lives to get to this week.
But I appreciate you guys coming and being here this week.
Man, I'm constantly amazed at the little moments that I have being here with you guys.
And I'm amazed that a kid that I don't even know, who's 20 and a half from Phoenix, Arizona, can send an email in that, you know, makes me feel emotional and brings me back to a time in my life when, you know, when a man gave me advice that I could hear.
And sometimes that's the toughest thing, man.
Sometimes it's like, it's crazy.
You can get advice a million times or suggestions a million times, but it's just, it's that one time when you can hear them.
It's that one time when there's just a connection when you can hear them.
And that's what's rare.
That's what's, that's one thing that I'll miss about life when I die, you know, and I'm not planning on dying.
Sorry, I don't mean to get dark there, but, you know, I think about that sometimes when, you know, things that I'll miss.
And it's those moments when you can hear somebody.
And when you look back in your life, you're like, oh, wow, that man took a moment to influence me.
And that doesn't mean preaching at every kid you see and telling them what's right and what's wrong, but I think there's things you can say sometimes that can help.
You know, that can help young men that need it.
So I don't know if we're at all able to be helpful, Mr. Ochoa, but if guys want to hit the hotline, 985-664-9503, you know, this is what he says.
He said, I'm not happy with my life situation at the moment.
I'm thinking of dropping out of school.
I feel like school just isn't for me.
I love to learn and have discussions.
I don't think of myself as an idiot.
I've always gotten mediocre grades.
I just feel lost.
I'm scared of how my friends and peers from high school will think about me when I see them at parties.
And now that I can relate to too, man, scared of what my friends would think.
And, you know, I'm still scared about that a lot.
So I wish I had some suggestion for you in that area, but I still, I don't even know how to tackle it sometimes.
It's not as bad as it was when I was your age, but man, I still worry a lot about what people think.
But look, man, I think that I appreciate you guys being here today.
Happy January 22nd.
If you need something, hit the hotline 985-664-9503.
We're going to leave out the same way that we came in with Mr. Brad Levine, aka better off barefoot.
Be good to yourselves, man.
Thank you to everybody that came out there out in Jacksonville.
Who else?
Max, cool cat.
Costanza, crazy lady that we had fun.
Got nine pitches together, but she was wild.
Everybody.
Dude, Jared came out.
And I'm not trying to single people out.
I'm just names that are popping into my head.
A lot of neat ladies and gentlemen came through, and I appreciate it.
Oh, yeah, Suzanne and my crew.
My girl Loretta from over there in Tampa.
Oh, yeah.
We had fun.
Be good to yourselves, man.
Bet you deserve it.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweetheart.
Easy to.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Charmaine.
Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
I scared my cheese broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
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