Greek Art. AA meetings. Yuletime. Canary Nutmeg tint. A few callers. Extended episode at https://www.patreon.com/theovon The new way to produce entertainment is https://www.livetree.com Gunt Squad Stay Guntin! Gunt yaself, show me what ya workin with! Matthew Snow Renee Nicol Ryan Wolfe Angelo Raygun Carla Huffman Max Bowden Shawn-Leigh henry Roar Hanasand Laura Williams Not Even Wrong Xela Person Open Mind 101 Deanna Smith Mona McCune Suzanne O'Reilly Rashelle Raymond Chad Saltzman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Monica Hynes Matt Eckenrode Arielle Nicole Greg H Dave Engelman Dylan Clune Calvin Doyle Robert Doucette Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Qie Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Matthew Snow Renee Nicol Ryan Wolfe Angelo Raygun Carla Huffman Max Bowden Shawn-Leigh henry Roar Hanasand Laura Williams Not Even WrongSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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A little bit of audio, a little bit of touch, touch.
Let's get that hit up.
Hello, December.
Where have you been?
Celebrate living.
Celebrate Missouri.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
All right, happy December, guys.
Happy December.
And that is Spencer Jacob Grow.
Beautiful, beautiful man.
Pretty decent looking guy, you know.
Kind of looked like a...
He sent me that song on the internet through the magical web of electricity, you know, through that straight up just, you know, that electronic tunnel that the devil built.
And he sent me that song one time and it just, it became that hitter, you know, it became that hitter.
You want to catch another hitter?
You can grab that gray block pizza.
It's on Pico Boulevard in Los Angeles.
And they got them stylish pies, man.
If you're ever feeling empty, go fill yourself.
Gray block pizza.
They got that Picante pollo, that Zengaro, huh?
That Grecian.
They got the Grecian, huh?
Used to have a Grecian came to our town once a year trying to sell oil paintings.
You know, olive oil, though.
You know, and homemade oils and shit.
Horrible artwork.
And the thing is about a bad artist, man, sometimes you'll buy that shit just to get that bastard away from you.
So everybody in our, not everybody in our town, but a lot of people had these shitty paintings because the dude was such a good salesman.
You know?
So everybody got this horrible fucking artwork, but the guy was just such a good, you know, oh, you need, hey, hey, you know, you need the artwork, you know?
Don't you want this, you know, this peanuts?
Worst drawings, drawings and paintings of peanuts.
Shit smelled like, I mean, dude, I think he was using condiments sometimes to paint with.
I don't know what the fuck that dude's deal was.
But that's life, man.
That's life in a small town.
I remember they had another boy live by me named Bubby Jenkins.
And his daddy, and he was adopted, you know, he was picked up out of the ether at a governmental center, you know, and that's adoption.
And, I mean, and it's a game show.
When you're in foster care, your life is a straight-up game show.
Every time a parent comes in the room, it's just like, because that's your chance.
That's your chance to be that hitter, you know?
And he got picked.
He got scooped up.
He's probably about a, I don't remember how old he was when he got key.
You know, he got, you know, picked up.
But he got picked up by some parents.
And that's, you know, and it was like, I think he was like 11. So at that point, you're like a, I mean, you're a sixth or seventh round draft pick.
You know, you getting late.
You know, you are late.
You are a late round pick.
And he got picked up.
Anyway, he, what was this story about, dude?
I was talking about they had an artwork.
Jenkins.
Oh, his daddy used to drive me to school.
And his dad was Italian.
I think he was Italian.
I don't know.
He was kind of sunburnt and had dark hair.
And at that young age in my life, I thought that that was Italian, you know?
And he was sunburnt and had dark hair.
And he used to smoke cigarettes inside of his car.
And his wife wouldn't let him smoke inside.
And so he would go smoke outside in the car.
He would sit in there and just hotbox his car with them with them Winstons out there blowing Winstons and huffing down, you know.
I mean, this dude was probably 900% Muppet, dressed like Johnny Cash, and he'd sit out there and smoke them cigarettes, them cigarillos.
And he used to, when I would miss the school bus, he would give me a ride to school and he would quiz me on my spelling words.
And the whole time he'd blow that cigarette and smoke in my face.
Catch me with that hit of smoke.
You know, just light me up with that backee, that tobacco backy cloud, you know.
He'd be like, all right, spell inconvenience.
And I'd be like, I, N, C, and then he'd hit me with that, that baky backy cloud, you know?
And then I'm like, oh, and, man, it's hard to smell.
I mean, it's hard to spell.
It's hard to do either one in a cloud of smoke.
And that is a God's honest truth, man.
That's the gospel, according to your boy right here.
But it's hard to spell when an adult man is blowing that backee smoke into your face.
And that was just another unique man that lived in my town growing up.
But good to see you guys today.
It is Monday, December 4th in the year 2017.
And look, they had a beautiful moon.
I don't know if you guys got to get a peek at it.
And it might still be out there even tonight or whenever you're listening to this.
But they got that beautiful moon.
And that moon, man, that thing is just like a damn, like one of God's nuts just fell out of his ball bag and landed in the sky.
I mean, that is that beautiful.
I mean, it's like somebody just washed the chocolate off of a damn almond joy.
And all that's there is that big coconut with that nut in it.
You know, and that's what the moon is a lot of times.
It's just that big sweet ball of sucrose floating up there.
You know, and that's just a damn, I mean, that's just one of Mother Nature's fucking, you know, that's just one of Mother Nature's marbles.
And that thing's beautiful.
But if you didn't get to see it, go check that moon.
Because sometimes we forget to look at the sky.
I don't know if that's happened to you recently, but I'll forget to look up at the sky and remember I get caught down here in little things on my phone, you know, looking at papers, you know, seeing what my neighbor's cat is doing.
You know, because a lot of times he'll get out.
If I'm, I have a very strange relationship with my neighbor's cat, and some of you guys know that, you know, and he'll get out there sometimes, he can tell.
This is going to sound crazy, dude, but if I am in my house, you know, pleasuring myself, he can tell it, you know, and he will wait by the door sometimes or he will, you know, do make meow noises and meow sounds and do meowing.
And then he can tell when I am spending time by myself or trying to be, you know, lightly emotional with myself.
But yeah, that is a really wild cat.
So anyhow, it's Monday.
And what's going on in our lives today?
You know, it's December.
So we're starting to narrow down what's happening in our existences for this year.
This year is going to be in the books.
And you can start to feel it in the air.
You know, people are a little more friendly.
You know, look, I got the damn, I have the Christmas carols going on full blast in my automobile.
Man, I love the Christmas carols.
Bill be ringing.
The ones I don't like, Mariah Carey.
Dude, I wish a fucking missile would hit that, you know, I wish it would just hit her right in there in that dark cinnamon cont of hers.
I do not.
Mariah Carey's a straight Muppet.
She's what's wrong with this country, man.
Mariah Carey.
You heard it here.
But what else?
I was in Canada.
I got to play cards with Bill Burr.
I'll start there.
So I'll tell you this.
They have this podcast network called All Things Comedy, and they've been very gracious over time to allow us, me to have my other podcast called Allegedly on there with my friend Matthew Cole Weiss.
And on that same network, there's a new show where comedians sit and play poker together.
So, you know, I get an email, come play, and it was a great group.
Burt Kreischer, Burt Kreischer, Bill Burr, Steve Ranazisi, who died in 9-11 but didn't die in 9-11.
And John Reap, who's one of the first comedians that I ever featured for down in Louisiana.
And John Reap, you know, he's the Hemi guy.
He's like, I ain't got a hemi.
He's from Hickory, North Carolina.
And it was just great, man.
We got to sit in a warehouse, have pizza.
People was drinking alcohol and just play some cards, play some poker together, joke around.
You know, we were just joking about how hard it is to be a man today.
But it was interesting to just be around Bill Burr.
I'm obviously a huge fan.
There's no one, no one more confident on stage than Bill Burr.
I can listen to that man forever.
And he's always like, you know what you're going to get.
He doesn't seem too affected by ego.
You know, he doesn't seem, he was super nice.
And I spent time around him before I got a little vibe for being around him, but I never really just sat next to him for two hours and we're all playing in a poker game.
But it was, but just a nice guy.
You know, some of these, you know, comedians that are at these, you know, that are superstars, like Hollywood superstars, they get, there's an ego that goes along with it.
And I think Bill Burr is a superstar comedian, but I don't think he has that celebrity side as much as others do, if that makes any sense.
Because the celebrity side is kind of, that's the ego.
The side of the talent, that's the comedian side.
And, man, he's just one of a kind.
But that was great for me, man.
I'm sitting there.
I'm fucking like kind of nervous.
I can like feel Bill like sitting right there next to me, you know, we're just sitting at this half table all playing cards.
And there's like about 15 people there shooting this show.
And like, yeah, I'm nervous.
You know, I'm a little bit nervous.
I know Burt Chrysler really well.
I know the other three guys at the table well.
You know, Burt Chrysler, the machine.
And I've known Burt for a long time and John for a long time.
So I feel more comfortable around them.
But to be sitting there, you know, next to a guy who's just, man, I just felt inspired.
I felt really, really inspired.
So that was a great moment for me just to be able to be, you know, in those guys's presence with an activity that we all are doing together.
So it's, you know, it's just poker.
We're just playing around.
And I'm trying to think of some.
I mean, Bill made me laugh a few times.
Everybody made me laugh.
You know, I tried to be a little more quiet and just listen instead of, you know, trying to, you know, put my two cents into it a lot.
But it was great, man.
We had a great time.
That was a real joy.
And then I was up in Canada in Calgary.
Let me tell you this.
If you haven't been to Calgary, I'm thinking like Calgary, what is it?
You know, I didn't even know Canada was a real place for a long time.
I thought it was just a place where America practiced safety and practiced safety equipment.
Because when you think about Canada, you think, well, what is it?
What is Canada?
It's America's hat.
It's this cold hat that America wears.
If you look at a map, it's like this big cold hat.
And I'll tell you this, there's people up there.
There's people up there, and they're as friendly.
I don't feel any stress when I'm in Canada.
You get there, and you don't feel like nobody's judgmentally looking around.
There's so much less judgment.
Like people keep to themselves, but not in a way where they're doing it to keep away from you.
Like in America, there's this weird, and maybe I feel it more in Los Angeles, and that's definitely so.
Like you go into some smaller towns and to some real communities here in this fine country and you don't feel it as much, but in Los Angeles, you feel everybody, you know, looking over like, oh, who's this, mother?
You know, who's it?
Who's this?
Oh, look at that.
Big Daniel, you know, with his, you know, full body cast, you know, or who's this bitch over here, you know, wearing electricity around her neck with them Louis Vuittons or whatever, you know.
Who's this?
Oh, this kid's got, you know, this, you know, this kid's a gender-neutral sea bass, and he thinks he's a shit because he's got a fin out of his back and, you know, four different types of genitalia between his legs.
Oh.
You know, people think that they're fancy out here, but you don't feel that in Canada.
In Canada, everybody's just Canadian.
You know, some people may have a little more than others here and there, but you know, in the end that everybody, it seems like everybody kind of has each other's back.
And now look, I've been to maybe five cities in Canada.
But Canada, you could lay down in the street, middle of the street, in a city, in a city, in a downtown, fall asleep, and when you woke up in the morning, someone would have put a blanket on you.
And cars that were driving down the street would have probably shut their engines off when they got close to you, gotten out of the car, and pushed their car past you as to not wake you up.
Like, that's the kind of people are just way considerate of others.
And it's not like they're trying to be, it's just, it's in their nature.
It kind of reminds me, if I had to guess what America was like maybe, you know, 50 years ago.
And maybe not for everybody, you know, I mean, but, you know, it would probably be, I mean, Canada is very white.
So it probably would have, you know, what America was like for most people.
I mean, I know there was a lot of racial tension and struggle, but for regular white people, I bet it was similar to probably something that Canada is.
Canada's diverse, too, man.
They have, I mean, it's pretty white, but everybody's, I mean, they have a lot of Indian, a lot of Pakistani.
I mean, it's, I don't know.
I had a blast, man, up in Calgary.
I didn't know this about Calgary either.
It's like the second richest city in the world because of oil.
They got that drip drip.
They got that drip droppity drop.
You know, damn, boy.
That oil.
That oil.
And what else happened to me, man?
That was it.
We flew up there.
We had four guys.
Pancreatic cancer.
It was like a charity function.
You know, we went, we did it.
What else?
We saw, had some fans come out.
I had this gentleman named Chris came out.
I think he drove six hours or something.
He made this beautiful art for me that he drew about the Hampin Ain't Easy, you know, about the tour from this year.
He drew that up for me.
It was phenomenal, man.
I just want to thank him for driving in and just bringing that to me.
It really touched me because it's just nice of somebody to do that, you know, to go out of their way to do something special for somebody else.
What else I got back last night?
I went and spoke at an AA meeting.
You know, you go to these meetings sometimes and, you know, you sit in there and you talk at like some of these centers.
And these centers, they have, you know, it's guys that are in like these treatment facilities.
And you go in there and, you know, they got eight or nine guys in the room.
And some of them you can tell like, you know, they're down on their luck.
You know, you can feel it.
And it's tough because, you know, I go in there and I'm just, you know, I'm clean.
I just got out of a shower at my apartment, you know, and, you know, I drove over there in my, you know, my clean car, you know, and it's comfortable.
And I walk in there and I have clean clothes.
And, you know, I have somewhere to be when I leave.
I have something to do the next day.
And I walk in and I sit in some of these rooms with these men.
And this was a men's only meeting.
So that's why it was just men.
And I sit in there and I'm just start listening to these guys, you know, just saying hello.
You could feel some of them like when they shake your hand, like their hands shaking kind of.
And it just brings me back down to like the reality of life, of my life, you know, of the world that I'm in.
You know, because I can easily get caught up running around thinking, what do I need to do next?
What does my money look like for the year?
You know, how am I going to best turn this next deal thing that's going on?
What's my next move to propel myself, you know, to think about me?
And then I go to these meetings, and this is one of the main reasons I go to these meetings, you know.
And I don't talk about this kind of stuff that much on here because, you know, part of the AA stuff is you're not supposed to talk about it.
But, you know what?
I don't, whatever.
You know, this is part of my life sometimes.
And more often than not, it's part of my life.
But I go sit in there and these guys and you just, and you go around the room and you share.
It's called a panel.
And there's like three or four guys.
And we sit and we share our story.
You know, we share like what our story is.
You know, it's just kind of wild because, you know, I went from this crazy weekend where I was out and, you know, I'm up in a different country and I'm doing a show and there's five, six hundred people and it's, you know, a sold-out venue.
And we're, I mean, you know, we got to be, you know, we got to be the hit.
You know, we got to be that hitter.
You know, we got to be that backing smoke.
We were that backing smoke that was getting all in people's faces and veins and eyes.
And then, you know, I get off that plane and I get back into, you know, just into a reality that sets me down and sets my spirit at a level where I'm just not thinking about myself.
And you just share and you share your story.
You know, when I talk to these men about, you know, that I'm not there to preach to them.
I'm just there to share what's going on in my life and just how I grew up feeling inferior and just never feeling okay.
And just always feeling like I was looking, always feeling like I had everything, always feeling like I had to, like things had to be changed.
But no matter how many little ways I changed them, I was never reaching a desired effect.
I was never feeling a comfortability.
And things would be great.
Things would be great or bad.
I was never able to find a comfort.
And that's just what I started sharing with these guys.
And then I come into these rooms now, and I go to these meetings.
And suddenly I'm in a group of people and we all have something in common.
And that commonality is it's a problem.
We all have some type of a problem, an addiction or a discomfort or a uneasiness or a loneliness.
That's why we all come to these meetings.
And when I sit in there, there's just something special when it makes me feel, when I'm part of a group, when I don't feel alone.
Even if it's something fucked up that brought us all together.
It's like, I don't even care.
Dude, I don't care if we have no, all of us have no arms or legs and no head.
And we all crawl to just this body, pile up, meet up, just like a bunch of boulders, and we all just, you know, just roll around each other like rocks.
I would probably feel joy in that just because of the fact that I'm in a group.
I think because most of my life I felt so, for some reason on the inside, I just felt so separate.
You know, I just felt like I just never felt like a part of something.
You know, and I just never felt okay.
And I sit in these groups and, you know, and I'm talking to these guys and that just makes me feel okay for some reason.
And I think a lot of it's just the connection, the connectivity, because we can get separate.
We can get separate pretty quick out here.
So anyhow, man, that was my weekend.
I didn't mean to get all wild or weird on you there.
I'm just trying to share some of what it's like when, you know, being in this AA program, I've been in here for about 16 months now.
I don't know if I'll always be in this program.
You know, I don't know if I'll always be a part of it, but for now I am.
And I'm grateful because I get to have moments where I go into rooms and I don't feel alone.
And the people that I'm there to share my story with, they don't feel alone.
And it's crazy that by sharing our problems, you know, or coming together because we have an issue, that is how we don't feel alone anymore.
That's how we solve our problem.
You know, because forever you're out here trying to solve your problem all these different ways when all you really needed was to fill up that void that makes you feel like you have a problem in the first place.
So I don't even know if that makes any sense, but something just propelled it right out of my body.
I'll tell you what does make a little bit of sense to me is that television shows have gotten horrible.
It's so bad a lot of times your own dog will leave the room if you have a dog.
Or if you have mice in the walls, you can sometimes hear them scurry off when you put on a certain program.
It's because TV and film aren't about entertainment anymore.
They're about advertisement.
That's what you have to understand.
What you're watching is an advertisement cloaked in light entertainment.
Entertainment is the secondary goal of the programming you're watching.
Well, that's changing now because we're putting things back in the hands of the people.
And when I say we, it's an organization called Livetree.
Livetree.com, you can go there.
It's changing the entertainment industry by creating a new platform called Adept.
The public will be able to fund what they want to watch, own what they help produce, decide who's in it, what goes on through the process of content creation, funding, and distribution.
It's basically like suddenly entertainment is going to become almost like, I don't want to say fantasy football because this is a reality, but you're going to be able to invest and then have a say-so in who is in something.
And if the project does well, have a return on your investment.
How crazy is that?
That is what is going on at Livetree.
You can go to livetree.com and check it out.
See what is happening.
The revolution is now.
I'm definitely going to be over there checking it out myself.
All right, let's get into the news.
We'll go with big news first, and then we'll get into some smaller stuff.
North Korea firing missiles.
Oh, well.
Shoot them off, bro.
Shoot them off, dude.
That's nothing.
I used to know a guy who could spit high, high up in the air and catch it in his mouth, dude, every time.
And that's all you remind me of, North Korea.
If you want to shoot something, shoot it up, pop, pop.
Because y'all ain't doing nothing.
You're over there, Wizard of Ozen, you know, beating people for chewing gum.
God forbid somebody learns to blow a bubble.
And you're out there beating them with sticks or whatever you guys are doing.
Making people juggle eggs and stuff and teaching babies how to juggle and dance and shit like that.
I've seen it on the internet with those electronic dancing babies and all of that.
And I've seen what you guys are doing over there.
You got infants over there riding, you know, riding on gators and doing all kinds of shit and wearing neck braces and stuff.
And I don't know what you guys are up to.
But shoot your little missiles, guy.
You're never going to do anything.
Here's why.
Because you love your existence over there.
Yet Yam Say, whatever that guy's name is, Yam Chom.
Yao.
Shit.
I was going to say Dow Sang.
That's not it.
Something.
Whoever.
Fuck.
I almost said Obi Wan Kenobi, dude.
I don't remember.
Whoever you are, bro, you're not doing shit, dude.
Shoot your missiles, dude.
What else?
A Navy pilot drew giant dicks in the sky with a fighter jet.
How about this?
Awesome.
Sounds awesome, dude.
Easy, though, to draw a dick, I think.
I'd love to see the guy get a little bit more intimate.
Draw some Vaginine out there in the clouds, you know?
Wouldn't it be cool to see a big cloud going by with a nice hoo-ha on it?
With that little bit of a spoiled cookie out there?
Because I've seen some spoiled cookies out there, especially down near Tampa.
And when you get down near That Gulf of Mexico.
They got some spoiled cookies down there.
A lot of them ladies ain't taking care of their bakeries.
You feel me?
I'm having coffee.
What else?
A grandmother accidentally invites a stranger to Thanksgiving.
I love how that's news now.
Back in the old days, that was just called being nice.
Grandmother accidentally invites a stranger to Thanksgiving.
Ah, lucky, lucky guy.
Here's another one.
Undercover Detroit cops trying to arrest each other and then fight.
Fuck yes.
Ah, that might be the best headline I ever even read.
Detroit cops trying to arrest undercover cops trying to arrest each other and then when it's not working out for some reason, they fight each other.
That's so Detroit.
I love that.
I love.
You know what?
I always wonder why they only have undercover cops.
Why is that the only job where you're undercover?
Like, I would love it, like an undercover stripper.
You know, you're at the baker, you're buying a couple of donuts, maybe.
The lady's like, oh, do you want these?
You want these Krellers?
Or you want these tits?
And suddenly she's an undercover stripper.
You didn't have any idea.
You know?
How great would that be, huh?
Oh, you want that bear claw?
Or you want that fox foot?
And she just spreads them gams open, you know?
You want that bear claw?
Or you want that eagle's underbite, you know?
And she just shows you that cooter.
Good times, though.
Navy pilots drawing dicks in the sky.
Undercover cops fighting each other.
It's like the 80s all over again.
I love it.
I love it.
People say the world's falling apart.
Are you doing okay?
Here's how to know if your world is falling apart.
Look at your world.
Talk to your family.
See what's going on.
Take care of your home.
Take care of the people around you.
You're good.
The world isn't falling apart.
We're going to be fine.
We're going to be F-I-N-E.
I'm just amazed people have so much time online all day to fight about all this bullshit.
If you have time to fight about it, then you're probably doing okay.
You're probably doing okay.
You know, what else?
Let's see.
In my hometown, a Mexican restaurant opened up in downtown Covington, Louisiana.
And that's beautiful to see.
And I want to say a belated congratulations to the Covington High School Lions from my hometown.
They made it to the quarterfinals and they lost last week.
But I know that was huge for them down there and everybody just bringing the community together and having some local excitement.
And I watched that game on the YouTube and it was beautiful to watch and just see, you know, and hear people down there.
You could hear, I mean, it's a good community.
You got all types down there.
You got people that can't read and you got people that can read.
But it's a good time and it's a, you know, and I'm just happy for that environment down there to see your hometown do something big.
But they got a new Mexican restaurant downtown.
I remember the first Mexican kid we ever got in my town.
And I've told that story before about Mexican Nicholas when he came to town.
Beautiful boy.
And he had that kind of canary nutmeg tint on his skin, you know.
And he had that mustache, you know, that word curtain.
You know, a lot of Latino boys, they just, they strain their whole childhood just to sprout that word curtain, you know.
And he came into class.
He came into Sex Ed.
We just started learning about Sex Ed at school, you know.
And I thought it was going to be this dude named Ed was going to run in the room, spray out.
Because I'd seen this fellow working freelance by the train tracks.
So I'm thinking, hell yeah, finally Ed is getting his money.
You know, finally Ed is coming up.
Ed is getting work.
But it's a synonym, sexual education.
It's a synonym.
But he came into class.
I remember our principal opened the door to our classroom in science.
Science, boy, you could hold an animal at your desk.
You'd be sitting at your desk.
Mr. Blackwell was our teacher.
He's sitting at your desk holding a baby squirrel, holding a hamster, G-Pig, oyster, lizard.
One kid in our class had, he'd been in a fire.
He couldn't hold anything.
It would scratch his skin.
So he'd get the oyster every time.
You know, he's sitting in class.
Little Sherman get that oyster because he got them fire hands, you know.
He got them paper-mâché hands.
You know, you can't put anything real heavy or real spicy on them because he's already been in a fire.
And you don't spice up somebody that's been in a fire.
You don't surprise them with any, you know, turmeric or any salsa or anything like that.
Boy, that shit will eat right through their skin.
Very, very little skin on a fire person.
So little Sherman, he'd get that oyster every time they set that soft oyster in his hand, you know, because it wasn't going to move or try to scratch him.
But everybody's sitting in class, you got an animal, you know, got a little pet, because we're learning about science, you know, usually.
So you got a piece of science in your hand, a living piece, one of the Lord's little, you know, one of the Lord's little dirt puppets.
You know, you have one of them, one of the Lord's little Voltrons, an animal, a piece of science on legs, a damn animal.
Something that can fuck, dude, when you're not around.
Think about that.
You ever think about that?
You ever close your eyes and think to yourself how many animals are fucking right now?
If you ever got an ego and you want to take yourself out of ego, put yourself into reality, you do that.
You close your eyes.
Think that in the distance right now, there are animals just fucking each other.
There are all types of animals.
Cats, moose, devil.
Not devil worshipers.
Yeah, devil worshipers, dude.
They're not animals, but they're not doing well as people.
And all types of animals.
Forest is just, the forest is a fuck fest, dude.
It's an orgy.
we always think the animals are just kind of milling around eating?
These animals are fucking each other.
That's what they're up to.
Dude, you can, there's a lot of videos online.
I've been online watching a lot of funerals, a lot of funerals online recently.
I've been watching funerals online.
And it's kind of crazy, I guess.
I guess it makes me feel like a part of something.
And I like to have feelings.
So I like a funeral will give you a feeling.
If you're sitting there watching a service and people sharing their feelings and stuff, you can comment, you know.
Dale seemed nice, you know.
Some people have rude comments, you know.
You know, there's some rude, rude comments, you know.
Let's see some titties up in this motherfucker.
Some dude in all caps.
Like, damn, bro.
You know, Dale worked for the post office.
I don't think, you know, I don't think that's kind of, you know, that's the kind of severance package he was talking about.
But anyway, Nicholas came in our classroom, Mexican Nicholas.
He'd been in class, you know.
Our principal opens the door.
She said, students, it's y'all's new student.
And it was him, his first Mexican.
Sat in class, raised his hand.
Been in class four minutes, dude, and sex ed.
He raised his hand and he said, hey, Mr. Blackwell, what does pop that cherry mean, Holmes?
What does pop that cherry mean, Holmes?
And he became a legend.
He became a legend.
And that was the first Mexican ever.
But now it's great to see that small towns are evolving.
You know, people want to look at small towns and say these people aren't diverse.
We had one shot at diversity.
And we made that kid a legend.
Just so sick of people saying, oh, well, you know, you don't have diversity.
You don't have this.
You know, you're not diverse because you don't have something.
You don't know something until you have it.
You can't force something on somebody.
Diversity is a blessing.
If you get to live in a diverse place, then that's a blessing.
And if you aren't experiencing it, if you have neighbors that are different and you're not getting some sort of an experience with them, then you're missing out.
You are missing out.
And that's the truth.
That is the truth, man.
A little bit more news here.
Man accidentally burns down three buildings and damages 20 others trying to make a sword in his backyard.
Well, fuck yeah, he did.
I mean, that's obvious right there.
A man, questionable there, obviously, burns down three buildings and damages 20 other buildings trying to make a sword in his backyard.
On December 1st, a man was in his backyard.
First of all, some of these backyards, what's going on back there?
How much space, how much room you need back there?
What are you doing?
What are you doing back there?
In your yard?
With your fucking equipment and saws?
What are you doing?
You building swords?
We'll get it together, guy.
On December 1st, a man was in his backyard.
A man.
What a piece of shit.
It was probably a white man, too, you know.
They fuck everything up.
Sorry for my language, guys.
You know what?
I'm not in a bad mood today, but I'm just fired up.
I'm feisty, you know?
A man was in his backyard playing Game of Thrones.
Dude.
By trying to make his own sword, he got the furnace up and running to melt the steel.
What, bro?
Use wood, bro.
The only problem was that there was 30 mile per hour winds going that day and the embers hit nearby buildings, burning down three and damaging 20 others.
Still waiting on the update of how the sword turned out.
Well, that's what you get from making swords right there.
You lose all your friends.
Literally, you lose all your friends.
You cost their friends their place to live.
Amazon contractor decides to deliver his own package by taking a dump in someone's driveway.
Well, that's what happens when Amazon's trying to, you know, same-day delivery.
Guy don't have time to shit.
A guy doesn't have time to shit because he's got to get a new pair of sandals to your stepmother.
What the hell is going on?
Do you need it that fast?
Same day delivery.
Guy probably gets fired or docked pay if he, you know, if he, there's probably an access code on the shitter.
If he presses his code in there to go to use the actual, you know, room day digestion, then he's going to get fined.
So now the man got a shit local, you know, when he's out and about.
This week, an Amazon contractor got caught taking a shit in someone's driveway.
Well, that's for driving, dude.
It says it in the word.
After he placed their package on the front porch, he was caught on film.
You can watch that online.
So if you want to watch a little bit of local shitting going on, you can check that out online.
But it's just, you know, they don't have these guys.
I'm sure they probably get fined if they cough, if they sneeze.
They get docked pay.
They're not getting their package there quick enough.
Guy breaks a sweat.
That's probably, you know, costs him $2.
Man can't even shit anymore.
You can have men wearing diapers running around.
Men and strong women and some lesbians running around wearing diapers.
You know?
Just so your freaking uncle Marty can get a, you know, a rare pack of Oreo cookies.
It just came out.
The hell is going on?
Other news, magnitude 4.4 earthquake strikes off the coast of Dover, Delaware.
Well, finally, Delaware is in the news.
I forgot about Delaware.
Didn't you?
You did too.
I know you forgot about Delaware.
Delaware.
What is it?
It's Britain, basically.
It's our Britain.
And if we had any balls, we'd fight them again.
You know, because they're screwing around.
Britain did a lot of shit that they don't take any responsibility for.
We got James Corden on the air out here, you know, as a host of late night television when his grandparents enslaved half the universe.
What's going on, people?
What else?
Ranch dressing is finally available in kegs.
Good.
And I'm sure that'll help run up the bill of insurance costs.
That's got to be healthy for somebody.
Give your freaking little nephew a thermos of ranch dressing.
Kids in fourth grade sitting there sucking down a couple of pints of thousand island during recess.
Unbelievable.
Just in time for the holiday season, Hidden Valley unveiled their brand new ranch dressing keg.
They say it comes with a one-year supply of ranch in each keg.
Hidden Valley.
That's what they call your healthy aortas.
Hidden Valleys.
You can't even see them anymore because you've had so much damn ranch.
But you know what?
I say that's a good way to go to heaven if you're going to die.
I've always been ashamed that the only ways that we have to get to heaven are after if you go, if you, you know, or to deal with the body are embalming or burning, I think is the second one.
You're going to burn me, guy?
Oh, that's brave.
You know?
You seem like a smart guy.
You're burning up people that are dead.
What an asshole.
Why don't you go make a sword and burn down your neighborhood?
You freaking sword maker.
Because here's the thing.
How about this?
Fill me with fucking ranch, baby.
Huh?
Embalm this little Bob Cat with that R-A-N-C-H, boo-boo.
You telling me that formaldehyde and that being, what's it called, when you're burnt to a crisp?
You know?
Whatever it is, decapitated or something, are the only things that can happen to you after you die?
No, way more options.
I want to fill daddy's body with ranch.
I want to be embalmed with ranch.
Take my eyeballs out, leave my mouth open, put me in the funeral casket, all my orifices open.
Bunch of little things, chips, ooh, broccoli.
Get them, pop, pop, get them into my faces.
You know, hit them orifices.
Hit that mouth, eye, eye.
Get that triple dip.
Make me a little bit of a snack hole.
That way people are actually enjoying their time at my funeral, at my showing.
You know, what about bacon wrap?
How about you put a huge slab of that freaking thick, thin ham around daddy's neck?
Damn, boy, have all the dogs barking outside of that funeral house.
Boy, you'll have birds at the windows ready to get in there and just take a little bit of a nip-nip off daddy's freaking head vase, off that neck, off that ham.
But there's way other things you could do.
Black and dipped, baby-backed.
What if you went to somebody's funeral and their ribs had all been cooked and ready to eat?
And if you wouldn't have a human rib, you're a lying.
You're a liar.
And I tell that, I'm not saying that to make fun of anybody, but if you wouldn't eat a human rib that had been perfected, cooked, maybe over there at Arthur's Barbecue or whatever in Kansas City or in Wichita, wherever that place is, you wouldn't get that hit, huh?
You can lie to yourself.
Just don't lie to me because I'm not listening to it anymore.
That's the news right there, really.
That's the news.
Let's keep it cruising here.
We had a couple of calls.
I'm going to hit them.
I want to thank you guys for being here with me.
I'm in a little bit of a weird mood, man.
I'm just feisty.
You know, I haven't smoked in a whole week.
I haven't smoked in a whole week, man.
And I would blow, man, if you showed me a newborn baby made out of nicotine right now, I would probably blow it.
That's where I'm at.
But that only lasts for like about 10, 10 seconds, and then I get past that, you know?
You know?
If you told me right now that a young Viette was hiding a couple cigarettes in his, you know, had a little bit of that backey smoke in his bloodstream, I'd sharpen my incisors and vamp down on that boy.
Catch that hitter right out of that boy's young, right out of that, that Dang Tran or whatever, you know, that Zang T, that river, right out of that Delta, that Mekong Delta.
Just latch onto that boy's neck and just get that hitter.
Just fucking rocking hemoglobin right out of that young Viet stream so I could get that hitter that Backy.
But I'm a weak, man, I don't even know how.
I got to the point where I just was tired of smoking.
But then here's what always happens to me.
Once I tell people I'm quitting, I'm done, that's when I start again.
It's like if I keep it to myself, then it builds up and it actually works, you know, and I'll do it.
I'll stick to it.
But once I start to, you know, like I'll go do something for one day.
I'll go do some, you know, curls at the gym or I'll brush my hair for one day.
And then I'll tell people, oh, you know, I'm brushing my hair now.
You know, I'm doing curls at the gym now.
Once I tell people, it doesn't, I can't, I don't continue it.
I don't know what that is.
I don't know why that is.
I don't know a lot, man.
Maybe that's where I'm at.
All I know is that it's December.
You know, I do know that.
I know that it's December.
And I know that I got a call for you guys right here.
Let's get to it.
Here we go.
Just a couple.
Just a couple.
Yo, Theon, this is your boy, Tater.
What's up, Tater?
Savannah, Georgia.
Savannah, Georgia.
That's artistic country.
That's artism.
And that's where it's paints and clay onward.
I wanted to call and say what's up.
I'm a machinist.
We make parts to go on airplanes.
I just want to let you know that's what we're doing out here.
I put you on the radio playing over the whole plant.
We listen to y'all.
Y'all, about eight of us, on those skeleton crew.
But I just wanted to let you know that's what's going on over here in Savannah, Georgia.
You got fans?
I appreciate that, man.
You guys make parts for airplanes.
Well, guess what?
I'm going to say this.
First, I'm going to say thank you very much.
You know, I asked last week who listens to this show, and that's why I wanted to play this.
So we have a group of machinists over there in Savannah, and they listen to it at their plant.
They got a skeleton crew.
And thank you for that, man.
I do appreciate it.
I would like to say this.
Your parts are always running about 30 minutes late when I'm trying to fly.
So we just got word from the cockpit that we need to get a new part.
And we're going to be delayed for 30 minutes.
So if you guys could step it up after your lunch break, because I know you're over there in Savannah, you guys out in there having pineapple upside down cake and wedding cake for dessert.
Y'all having catfish and, you know, baked cauliflower.
Doing all of that.
Sweet potato jambalaya.
Casserole.
I'm on fire.
Y'all having that sook it sook it now.
Y'all having beer with lunch.
Having wedding cake for dessert.
Who the fuck is having wedding cake for dessert on a Tuesday?
That's the problem sometimes with some of these southern places, man.
People having seven course lunch.
Bitch, it's Wednesday.
You having a seven-course lunch?
This isn't a Bangladeshi wedding.
Okay?
Lunch is one course.
Get it and get back to work.
The second course of lunch is getting back to work.
But I used to go to college at Charleston, man, and I love that area.
Got some beautiful beaches over there not far from you guys.
And I do appreciate you guys calling.
Let's listen a little bit more here.
I want to say what's up?
And comment for your boy that's wanting to bring other guys to the bedroom with his old lady.
Oh, yeah, that was a call that came in last week.
That was what the follow-up was about.
They had a gentleman named Adam who was talking about doing that cuck holding where you have other people come in and play your video game system.
You know, because sometimes you got that PS4, you know, that's why you only get one controller with it.
Because they don't really want you having friends on it.
You know, that's why your wife only has one vagina hole because that's for you.
That's for you.
But this fellow want to, Adam wanted to have people come over and, you know, he want to do Ninja Turtles where he having three or four guys jump down in that sewer hole.
But let's hear a little more.
All I can say is fuck that.
That's my pussy.
Dang, gang, gang.
When these people do that, it's just going to cause problems and bring unwanted issues into the marriage.
They might seem like they're cool about it at first, but y'all get in a fight later on, you know, that's going to be throwing in your face.
Yeah, you heard it, man.
And that's a hard-working man.
That man out there making airline parts.
Well, look, I'll say this also.
I hope y'all ain't smoking weed out there, bruh.
Because I fly a lot.
And if y'all out there, you know, catching that cannabis to the brain, shut it down.
Because I don't want a wing part that, you know, next thing you know, one of these wings is made out of feathers.
And I'm like, what the fuck are they making over there in Savannah?
But I love you guys.
Thank you for the support.
Let's hear a little bit more.
We had one more caller that called in about that Adam's response from last week.
Let's hear a little more on that.
Hey, Theo, this is Brent in Colorado.
Just listening to your Thursday update, man.
I love the podcast.
Thanks for calling, Brent.
Onward.
Just wanted to drop some science on the podcast, maybe.
About the guy who was in the cuck situation or a situation where he wanted to watch another man bang his wife.
A little bit of science for you.
They ran an experiment with the likelihood of impregnation with a sperm count, how high a person's sperm count was.
And when they collected the samples, they would send the man home with a bit of pornography to, you know, masturbate to.
Okay, interesting.
So this is an experiment where men were, where they did sperm collection, and they sent the men home with pornography, different types of pornography, when they were running this experiment.
Onward?
Oh, so he could provide a sample.
Turns out that the men who were given pornography that pictured gangbang, like multiple dudes with one woman.
Oh, yeah, dude.
You're talking about that buffet style.
You're talking about that family style, like when you're at that Bloomin' Onion.
You know, that thing when people eating from all sides of it.
But yes, onward, when men got the gangbang pornography, what happened?
The sperm count or the sperm productivity was much higher in those samples than if the porno watched only have one man and one woman.
Wow.
Hmm.
A little bit of science there, more.
So there is some biological evidence to support the fact that sometimes you need to know your woman could be taken by another man.
I mean, supposedly, I'm not saying it's true or not.
I'm just saying science says you've got to compete a little bit for that nut, that your nut is going to compete a little bit harder.
That's a nut.
Yeah, that's called a nut off.
When two people are trying to, you know, out-nut each other, that's a nut off, you know.
And they used to have, I remember being in elementary school and this man, Mr. Larry, it wasn't elementary, it was middle school.
And back when I went to middle school, if you were in there for long enough, and I've spoken about this gentleman before, but if you were in middle school for long enough, then they eventually they couldn't have you take the classes anymore because you couldn't get it.
They would just make you a custodian.
And we had a black gentleman at our school, probably been in fifth or sixth grade, maybe seven times, Mr. Larry.
Finally, he got a job custodian.
But he was still friends with a lot of the kids because we all knew each other.
You know, we'd been in class with him for a couple years.
So, but Mr. Larry would come in and urinate in the bathroom and piss over our shoulders, you know, because he had that hit on him, you know.
He had that club, you know, he had that neighborhood sword that's burning down buildings.
You feel me?
He had that sword.
You know, he had, you know, he had that backyard sword.
And so he would come in and we'd be standing there urinating, and you'd see that stream just come over you, you know, come over your shoulder.
And he had a perfect shot.
I mean, he was just, you know, just pistol peating.
You know, he was like Sam Perkins down there, the sleepy Sam, just, you know, hitting you, just three-pointing over you.
And he would drop that over your shoulder, Mr. Larry, and piss into that urinal, and he would hit it.
And it was just, it was pretty cool.
But that was like where you got kind of out, out-pissed.
You know, you were doing urine, but he came in and said, well, I'm going to up your urine and I'm going to raise you.
You know, I'm going to see your stream and raise you, you know, this beautiful geyser that I'm working with.
And he did that, Mr. Larry.
And that's kind of the same thing, I think, with what this caller is saying, that, you know, if there's some competition, that there's competition in the works, and that you get that better sperm count, your body just knows intrinsically, oh, okay, you know, there's other, you know, there's other oysters here trying to pearl out.
You know, so I'm going to have to put a little more sand up under my lip.
You know?
You know, they just, your nuts know that it's trying to, it's, it's time to, it's time to full moon.
You know, you can't be showing up with no crescent.
You know, on Halloween, you can't be showing up with no crescent.
You know?
And on Halloween, you got to show up at that full moon.
You got to fire off decent sperm count, and that's what's happening.
So thank you.
That's interesting.
I didn't know about that at all.
I didn't know about that at all, but that makes sense, you know?
And that's what I'm saying, man.
It's all the fucking people are fucking out there.
People have this thing inside of them that wants to dive out of their body.
Everybody got that Greg Lou Gainus just hiding at the base of their wainers, trying to dive out of them.
And that's a little bit of the devil, man.
And that's a little bit of the Lord.
And that's where your job is.
You have to be your own referee.
You know, what's going to pass through these gates right now?
Am I sitting here in this next spray?
Is this for me or who is this for?
Is this something that's proper?
You know?
Or is this just something that's just a bad habit?
You know?
Are you creating something beautiful?
Are you just nipping into the neck of another Viette?
You got to ask yourself this stuff, man.
Because everybody, it's your own journey.
Everybody, it's your own journey.
So let's take another call right here, man.
We just got a few.
We're not taking a very long episode today.
I also want to tell you, you can go to theovawn.com.
We got some shirts on there you can grab.
We'll have a new onward shirt that will be going up this week.
It won't be till later in the week.
And we got a guest producer that's been helping out today, Chris.
So I'm very grateful to him.
I want to express gratitude to him.
Thank you.
I want to express gratitude to my boy Sherb, who, I don't know if I read Sherb's text the other day, man, but it just, it was like the craziest thing that ever happened, man.
You know, he didn't know he was getting paid this whole time.
And here he'd been helping me out the whole time.
If I didn't read those, I'll read them next week.
But you can check it out.
You can grab the two albums that are out there, 30 Pound Bag of Hamster Bones and Musket Fire.
You can grab that album as well.
That's early satire.
As well, you can check out the special on Netflix, Netflix.com.
Give it a thumbs up or whatever you have to give it.
Let's get that thing back into the rotation.
You know, you got to support stuff that you like and you have to do it online.
And I know it sounds cheesy, but that's how guys get other opportunities.
That's how they do it.
I want you to support other podcasts as well.
I want you to know that I appreciate you guys' support as well.
A lot of great calls that came in this week.
We had some calls, too, about the Oregon thing.
You know, they had the guy that called in from Oregon.
And I might address that again in the future.
Some of you guys know what I'm talking about.
Some of you guys don't.
But I just haven't gotten around to kind of putting it together right.
And I'm still kind of thinking about some of my own thoughts on it.
Let's hear another call right here.
Yo, what up, Theo?
This is your boy, Luke from California.
What's up, Luke?
Onward?
I just wanted to get your opinion on some things that have been going on in my life.
I've been the victim of the dark arts these last couple years.
I'm married.
I have a kid, you know, and I love my wife.
I love my kids.
But I always really had trouble being monogamous, you know, in my relationships.
And it's not for any, you know, it's not because I don't love them or nothing.
I don't know.
I just, there's just something in me, bro, like, that I just can't, you know, like, I always have to be trying to have sex with other girls and shit.
Man, well, I appreciate you sending this call in, man.
Let's hear a little bit more, and then I'll see if I can share anything from my own life experience.
Thank you for calling.
I don't know.
I stopped beating myself up about it.
You know, I tried looking into the biology of like fucking, you know, like human biology and shit and, you know, other animals.
See if this shit's natural or what.
Like, are we supposed to be monogamous as human beings?
Am I going against my instincts and shit?
You know, I don't know, but just wanted to get your opinion on it.
Well, I appreciate you calling, man.
I can certainly relate, you know.
I'm just hoping these cameras aren't running out of video in here, but I can certainly relate.
I can certainly relate to that, you know, having, you know, I don't have a wife and a child, you know, so that's intense because then you're really, at that point you're locking in, you know, but I know that struggle of I've been in significant relationships before and not been able to and not been able to be committed at all, you know.
And I don't even know why.
You know, I loved, you know, I love the woman that I was with, but there was just something wrong with me where nothing was enough.
That's what I know now, is that nothing was enough.
And that women or the affection of women was this weird addiction that I just had to have.
You know, and it sounds like you say communicating with other women, you say, you know, having, you know, sexual experiences with other women, that sort of thing.
But, you know, you did say communicating.
Let me go back and listen one more time right here.
But like, I always really had trouble being monogamous, you know, in my relationships.
And it's not for any, you know, it's not because I don't love them or nothing.
I don't know.
I just, there's just something in me, bro, like, that I just can't, you know, like, I always have to be trying to have sex with other girls and shit.
Yeah.
Yeah, you always have to be.
And that, you know what it sounds like, man?
It sounds like, because you could take out, you could change sex with women with anything.
You know, I always have to be drinking.
You know, I always have to be thinking negatively about myself.
You know, I always have to be feeling like I'm less than.
You could change it with anything.
You could replace it with anything.
And at some points, I think that that's an addictive behavior.
You know, sometimes we can have these isms inside of us, these behaviors inside of us that just come out.
And for me, mine would be drug use or flirting with other women.
I mean, I just told you that I've been through similar experiences with that for sure.
And it's just like, it's just a, you know, you say you don't even want to do it, but you just can't even help it.
And at that point, that's when for myself, I notice, well, this is a sickness that I have.
This is an affliction.
This isn't always a choice that I'm making.
It's like something, it's like something that I can't control.
And when you can't control it, when you're trying to, when you don't want to be doing something and you are still doing it, for me, that's when I notice that it's something that's out of my control.
It's something that I need help with.
And how you can get help with it, you know, from experiences of my own, you can go to SAA meetings.
That's a Sex Addicts Anonymous.
SLAA, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.
You can just go to AA meetings.
Because in the end, it's not even about, you know, your alcohol, your drug could be the need to get attention, intimate, and just even verbal from other women.
Because that's a sickness, man.
That's a sickness.
You know, it's good.
It's fine if you're not, of course, look, if you're not in a relationship, it's fine.
You're out there living.
You out there sowing seeds, you know.
You out there John Deering, you know, digging holes in that dirt.
You know what I'm saying?
And hoping something sprouts out.
That's natural.
You know, you laying soil, you laying cotton.
You laying Milo.
You got that corn.
You got them beets.
You're putting it all in the ground.
But if you have a family, like you're saying, then something's heavier.
And for me, it's just that it goes back to, for me, that type of behavior goes back to, I believe, anyway, some emptiness that I felt just that women rejected me or didn't want me.
And it could go back to when I was very young, something that happened that I don't even remember.
You know, it could go back to just something that could have been happening in junior high when I was really young, elementary school and junior high.
You know, I was not attractive to women.
You know, my friends always got the girls or had interest from the girls.
I was always a dude carrying the love letter from the girl, like to my buddy, you know.
And, you know, sometimes that stuff just does something to our insides where we can't fix it by ourselves.
So you're not alone, man.
You know, you're not alone.
And if you can't beat it yourself, then that's when maybe it's not a bad idea to see if there's other ways to try and fix it.
You know, because in the end, though, you're going to have to make some decisions and just say, I can't do this type of behavior.
You know, that doesn't mean you can't still flirt.
You know, it doesn't mean you can't still be a man in ways.
But when it comes to that line where you're feeling demoralized after, because you're hooking up or you're doing this or that, that's the line where you have to try and shut it down.
You know, and look, I've done some wild behaviors, man.
You know, I've definitely done some things that I'm not proud of.
I'll actually put a call on next week.
We had a caller that called in taking me to task on a behavior of mine, and I'll put that up next week.
I'm looking forward to just sharing a little bit of that with you guys and trying to walk through that a little bit.
I meant to do it this week, but we're getting late in the episode.
But thanks for calling, man.
Good luck.
You know, at least you're not being hard on yourself about it, but not being hard on yourself, that's one thing.
But not taking action to repair it, you know, the problem might not go away, and it doesn't sound like it is.
So, you know, I don't want to tell you what to do, but, you know, if I have a problem and it doesn't go away, then I have to do something to help it remedy.
For me, what I do is I go to a therapist on Monday and I go to meetings, and those things help me.
Good luck to you, man.
Love you.
All right, let's take one more call here.
Yo, what's up, Theo?
I was just listening to your most recent podcast, you were talking about that dude who, you know, is pornography cheating and he wanted to get, you know, some other guy to come drill his wife and all that.
You know, as far as pornography being cheating at all, I don't really think so.
But as far as pornography as like a dark art, I really think there's something there, especially with how easy it is to watch.
Now, I'm really talking about like with young kids, like with young men.
Oh, 100%, Cad Deddy.
100%.
That pornography is easy.
Think about it.
You could be looking for a box of cereal, and next thing you know, you watching gangbangs.
Never has there been something as insanely accessible as pornography.
It's crazy.
It's crazy how accessible it is.
No wonder there aren't any more 12-year-old kids playing in the front yard anymore.
They are jerking off everywhere.
There's no way.
If I were 12, dude, I remember being 12 years old or 11, going to the library, you know, and they had this author or something, Peter Paul Rubens, I think was his name.
He was a paint warlord, artist.
He was an artist.
And he had these artists, he'd draw these Rubinesque women laying in the bushes.
This is in like the 1816, 1700s or something.
And dude, I would crack those books open, and I would catch that bone.
You know, I'd catch that bone down between me.
And I would put that bone between the books on the pictures of these ladies, you know, these voluptuous ladies.
And I would just kind of close the book against my boner until I, you know, until my boner just gave up the ghost, you know.
Just threw that liquid casper up into the air.
And that's when I was out, you know.
And I must have, I mean, I was tormenting, I was tormenting the 16 and 1700 art encyclopedias in the library there.
But I was just young, and that's the first look I got at that crotch.
You know, and then we had later you had to pay this boy in junior high school to draft, he is the only one that could draw you some kuder.
He had the best drawings.
So if you wanted to have some cuder for the weekend, you'd have him draw you a picture of it, you know, dropping $2, you know, $275, and he'd sketch up an art of some nice cooter.
But now these kids dealing with pornography, I can't even imagine.
I can't even, dude, there's no way I would just be driving to school, not watching sex on my phone if I were 13, 14 years old.
There's no way.
So I don't see how these kids are navigating it.
And maybe they're doing it fine.
Maybe it's just like in Europe where it's like, you know, just because you can drink doesn't mean you do, you know?
Doesn't mean there's a million car accidents.
I was in Canada this week and they can drink at 18. You know, I didn't notice a ton of kids just, you know, crashing cars in a building, you know, constantly ruining their lives.
They might have a problem, but I didn't hear anything about it.
Maybe it's one of those things where, you know, kids are taking care of it better, where they're a little bit more conscientious.
I don't know.
You know, I got to look into that and see what some of the effects are of this pornography on young people.
But where do I even find accurate information about it?
I mean, how dare I read a news article?
That shit is, come on.
It's crazy.
I just have no idea what's going on anymore.
But it's also kind of freeing.
Knowing the news is just juggling bullshit.
It's kind of freeing, isn't it?
Oh, we don't know what's happening?
No one is going to tell the truth anymore?
Thank God.
Good.
Because I think you've got to get to the bottom of something before you can see what's there.
You know, you got to get to the bottom of something before you can see what's there because you can't see what you can't see.
But I appreciate you guys calling, man.
This has been, you know, I didn't know what tonight's episode was.
Sometimes I don't even know what to talk about or what to get into.
But I feel blessed that I have the ability to come here and share some time with you guys.
Let's take this one last call.
Hey, brother, how you doing, man?
It's Christian here calling in from Dublin.
Just wanted to call and say, you know, again, thank you for sharing your thoughts and your issues with relationships.
And, you know, I kind of relate to it, man.
It's kind of fucked up, but I find what I do a lot of the time is I end up going for these girls that I know I'm not going to have a meaningful connection with because it's safer.
I don't have to deal with actually connecting with them and ultimately dealing with loss or dealing with rejection or...
I appreciate you calling, man.
And I actually put the call in because I want to hear that accent, man.
Something just takes you back where you want to just damn turn into Sean William Scott or who is it?
No, not Sean William Scott.
That's the guy from Dudes, Words of My Cars.
This is William Wallace.
You know, are you not with your country?
William Wallace.
And he, but yeah, you're right, man.
You know, yeah, you don't want to jump.
You don't want to jump in.
You don't want to, there's, I think there's a lot going on.
One is, you know, there's so much access these days to, you know, to other women.
Two is, yeah, you don't want to, we don't want to grow up.
You know, maybe we have weird relationships with our mothers who don't even know how to how to treat women.
You know?
And four is I think some of us, you know, we just want to live, we have this thing like we want to live forever.
And if we do things that make us grow up, or that seem like that grown-ups do, or that, you know, getting married, starting to have a family, those types of things, being committed, promising your affections, loving someone, if we do those types of things and really do them, then it feels like we're giving up a piece of our immortality.
If that makes any sense.
And then I'm not trying to sound egomaniacal with that, but I'm just trying to sound like some stuff I'm thinking about.
Those are the things I'm thinking about, man.
Lay off the rance dressing, huh?
How about that?
If somebody gets you a keg of rance dressing, question who they are, you know, or fuck it, paint your house with the shit, you know?
Damn, I love being over here.
What color is that, huh?
Remolade?
What color is that?
Italian?
I love it.
I love you guys, man.
Be good.
Take care of yourselves.
I will see you guys next week.
We may do a Thursday episode.
We may not.
I'm going to throw some stuff up on Patreon for the Patreoners.
Thank you guys.
And happy holidays.
Start the season now.
Start the season now.
Get in your car.
Turn on the fucking Christmas carols.
No one's going to be mad with the Christmas carols going.
Nobody.
Promise you.
You can't be furious with rocking around silver.
Figure it out.
I'm going to try to.
Thanks for helping me get through it.
You guys be good.
Happy whatever it is to you today.
Birthday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, nothing.
Funeral.
I'm going to go watch funerals on the internet.
Love you.
Be good to yourselves because you probably deserve it.
Music playing Celebrate Marvin.
Celebrate Missouri.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Suiar.
Easy to you.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
I'll take a quarter powder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
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