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All right, boom, beep beep, boom, beep beep, boom.
Alright, let's get that hit'em.
*music*
I'm sorry.
You hear that?
Oh, it's a refreshing Christmas sound right there.
That is Friedrich Thalberg.
Friedrich Thalberg with Christmas morning number two right there, bringing us in here on this beautiful, and I mean beautiful December 11th.
That music, you've heard that music right there before.
That's kind of like when, on that Home Alone movie when Kevin finds the, you know, when it's finally Christmas morning and everything is at peace, you know?
You hear it?
Listen.
With the freshly fallen snow.
And he comes outside of his door.
And there's his mom.
Or the world is okay.
The world is okay.
You know, that's that beautiful moment music.
And that's Friedrich Thahlberg.
And he's coming at you somewhere, probably from Germany or Hungary.
Out there in the wild, in the wild of Europe.
Friedrich, you can almost picture an old man with a candle.
You know, dog laying next to him.
Dog's probably been dead for two years.
Friedrich has no idea, though.
He's just there writing that music.
Old Friedrich Talberg.
This is kind of like if you've ever seen, if you've ever been at work at a hospital and they, you know, sometimes they have a gay man or even just a kind of a wild straight man comes in and he got something crazy he's been put into his butt.
You know, and it could be an animal or a, you know, a wild vase or something, you know, kind of a small vase or anything like that.
And this is that music when they finally pull it out, you know.
You know what I'm talking about?
Let's hear it one more time.
They're trying to pull a dove out of some fella's buttocks right here.
Uh-oh.
Looks like they might get it.
A little more morphine.
Praise God.
Praise the Lord.
I got a dove.
I got a dove out of my buttocks.
And that happens, man.
It's that time of year.
And it is that time of year.
Merry Christmas.
Happy holidays.
Happy Hanukkah.
Happy Kwanzaa.
You know, they always throw Kwanza in there for like the black community, but you never hear anybody that celebrates it.
You know, it's like, you know, let's, I mean, I guess it's good, but I think there's a few other holidays out there.
And on Thursday's episode, we're going to delve into a little bit more of the, you know, that, some of the holiday attractions and Christmas vibe from around the world.
Just a couple, though, in advance.
You know, in South Africa, they eat fried caterpillars this time of year.
And that's a delicacy.
And I've actually had those in South Africa.
I've been there, and I've had those treats over there, them crawling treats.
And over there, something, you know, here, I mean, in America, we don't, animals get more rights because we don't need them as much, you know?
Animals get extra rights here.
You know, you might see two gay dogs getting married here in New Hampshire or in, you know, over in Albuquerque.
You might see a couple of gay Dobermans out there, you know, doing sex and looking for ring shopping.
You know, you might see a here in Beverly Hills, you'll see, you know, last year they had a famous Bichon that a lady tried to get a nose job for it, for a Bichon, just because, you know, it wasn't, you know, it wasn't appeasing some of the selfies and stuff she was taking.
For her, it wasn't good enough.
You know, and you'll see, you know, you'll see someone out here with like a, you'll see like sometimes like a tender man, like a, with like a veal, but like a baby goat that he rescued or something.
Now he's walking it over there on Santa Monica Boulevard or in West Hollywood.
But that's just because you don't have necessity for the animals here.
You know, you get up into Montana, you get up into Mississippi, they got people, they see a deer, they're going to gun it down.
You know, but they're going to eat it.
They're not just, you know, they're not just drive-by shooting animals.
You know, they use them.
The animals are of necessity.
And when you get out there to Africa, you get out there to the big black continent, you know, the big, that big mysterious, that mother earth, and that thing is just the damn womb of the world.
If you haven't been to Africa and looked into an African man's eyes, that's where they got the idea for Lion King.
If you haven't, look, I've been to, I think I've been to Africa maybe six, seven times, and you look into a Kenyan man's eyes, you can see the beginning of humanity.
And I know that might sound wild to you, but their eyes just go so much deeper than a lot of the eyes here in America.
Because we got new eyes here.
You know, this country's only been around for so long.
You know, but you get into the depth, into those, you know, visual swimming pools, you know, those wading waters that are sitting in an African man's skull, you can really, and I'm serious here, you can see back into almost the beginning of time.
You know, a lot of people out there are looking in space, Elon Musk out there Hunting around in space, how to travel through time.
Well, I'll say this: if you shoot, you fire me good and hard and concise, and you organize me enough, and you shoot me right into a real black African man's eye sockets, I bet you I'll show up a million years in the past.
And I'll be back there just bareback riding a damn Valerasisoptiscus.
You know, I'll be back there.
I'll be back there on one of them snackodactyls, you know.
And those are beautiful animals that only eat snacks.
Imagine that.
No meals.
Lunch, dinner, breakfast, brunch.
Fuck all that.
Snackodactyl eats when it wants to.
It doesn't live by these codes.
A snack-dacty will eat when it wants to.
Other people sitting down for dessert, a snack-dacty will break out a bowl of fucking cereal at 4 a.m.
Because that's how they behave.
But anyway, Africa, they're eating caterpillars over there.
It's a tradition.
And that's real.
In Sweden, they got that Yule goat.
In Sweden, notorious for the Yule goat, oleboke.
And I met a couple of Swedish girls when I was in Europe one time.
And a buddy of mine, a Dominican fellow, tried to get me to sleep with him.
And they may have been, by American standards, we were young.
They were young.
I'm going to leave it right there.
Everybody was of, you know, kind of just, you know, fresh ages.
But I told my buddy, I said, I don't know, man.
This seemed like a reach, you know?
It seemed like a reach if this girl don't know who the black crows are.
That's where, you know, they're like, what age is too young to make love to a woman?
I'm like, if she don't know who the black crows are, you know, that's where I at least going to reconsider.
I'm going to phone a friend, you know, before I dick down into some young territory.
But that girl told me when I met her that oleboke, oleboke, I believe was the Swedish term for Santa Claus.
But Santa have the Yule goat.
Sweden, I'm sorry, Sweden has that Yule goat.
And the Yule goat isn't a real animal.
That's what it says here.
It's typically made almost entirely of straw in the Swedish tongue.
The Christmas goat is known as the Yulebok.
The Yulebok origins are rooted in mythology, but it's been warmly adopted by the Swedes as part of modern Christian tradition.
Perhaps too warmly.
The Swedish town of Gał has erected a giant version of the Yule goat since 1966.
And every year since, people have tried to torch it, kidnap it, and even gut it, even though it's just made of straw.
At least 28 of the 45 Yule goats have been torched.
So they're burning goats out there in Sweden.
They're burning goats.
And in Los Angeles, you probably couldn't even have a straw goat.
You couldn't even have a straw goat out here.
You couldn't even have it without some limp yellow Muppet telling you that it's inhumane.
Without some damn amoeba of a human with no spinal column, who's never done anything except lived off the internet, never made any choices for themselves, never even thought a tool belt was something they made tools on.
Without some damn cinnamon licorice cranberry jelly cranberry sauce eaten just tadpole telling you you can't own a straw goat.
It ain't right, you know.
It's a straw goat.
It should be free.
It's never going to find its straw parents.
Shut up.
Hush it up, guy.
That's not a real thing.
So those are some things that go on in the world, and I'm going to get into more of those on Thursday's episode, just examining kind of Christmas around the world and just what it means to some people, you know, and what it is.
And I've just been fucking stressed, man.
I've been stressed out.
And to be honest, a lot of my stress is coming from I've just been being lazy.
I've been feeling depressed, honestly.
And how that shows up for me is, you know, I will stay up kind of screwing around on the internet, looking at stuff, watching videos and this and that.
And then I won't get to sleep at a proper time.
And then I'll stay up, you know, and then I want to get sleep regular amounts.
The next thing you know, I'm not up till 11. And the next thing you know, I'm just succumbed with all the things that I want to do, you know, because my brain has a to-do list that never ends.
So then I get depressed because I'm not getting all my stuff done.
You know, so I just, sometimes I get in this cycle where I'm just not, you know, I'm not choosing to take care of myself and to do the things that I need to do to feel healthy, you know, and to feel, you know, it's just like I make my own stress.
It's so bizarre to me because I don't want to be doing that.
You know, I want to be being productive and it's that time of year where it's like just a good time to help others and to not think about myself.
But then here I find this, just this depression sneaking in.
So it's been kind of frustrating, you know, and some of it is just getting up and going.
You know, I did some yoga at the house.
You know, but it's like I'll get into bed and I'll just feel, I don't know, I'll just feel depressed.
I'll feel angry.
Then I start, if I look at social media, of course, that makes you, I mean, Twitter will make you choke out a cousin.
You know?
So it's just been hectic.
It's been hectic, man, a little bit.
I switched medications.
You know, I take antidepressants.
And so I switched from one of those because it was making me sleepy.
So I think that could be part of it.
And I switched back to an old one I used to take.
But they say there's that transition zone in there, a couple weeks.
And the antidepressants, when you get off demressants, when you get off demressants, somebody fly a plane into a, you know, into a senior citizen cafeteria.
You know, that's those type of people.
You know, people burn down a library.
You know, that's what that's when people aren't making good choices, when they're switching gears.
And so that's where I feel like maybe I'm just going through a little bit of a switching gears.
So I am grateful that you guys are here with me today because this was something that I have to do.
You know, and this gave me something to do today.
And if you want to know how depression works for me, man, not trying to debbie down or nothing, but, you know, I'll tell you.
You know, it's like I get like my life is cool.
My life is cool today when I really look at it from an outsider's perspective.
You know, tonight I'm performing.
I got a show, a late show at the comedy store.
They have their holiday party.
You know, some of my favorite comedians and friends will be there.
The staff of the comedy store, the booker, the managers.
You know, some of these people are real friends of mine, like people that I just really care about in my heart.
And they're going to be there.
I'm going to see my buddy Simon Rex is coming over.
We're going to go see our buddy James Blake, who's a musician, who's also one of the just a novel young thinker.
And I've gotten to spend some time with the man, and he's just emotionally aware and curious, a neat fella.
And Simon is a new friend of mine from this year.
You know, when I look back, I'm just so grateful to have new friends.
You know, so there's a lot of things that just are obvious in front of me that I get to do that are fun, you know.
But still, I wake up this morning with this feeling like I just don't have any purpose.
You know, like sometimes it's just like my, I wish my heart or my brain could remember the truth instead of just immediately wander into the non-reality,
you know, into the lies, you know, the lies that are like, well, I'm a bad person or the lies that like I don't care about other people or the lies, you know, I'm just thinking about myself.
But my brain will go there.
My brain will just, you know, it's just, it's unfortunate that we're, I don't want to say gifted, but we are in infected with this, that I'm infected with this brain, you know, this depress, it's a depressive brain sometimes.
And I didn't want to talk about it today a little bit because, you know, I wanted to just boost everybody's spirits and be alive and just show gratitude.
But that's okay.
You know, I can still show gratitude and be excited about certain things, but at the same time, be honest about, you know, what's going on.
So, you know, thankfully today I finally got up and out of bed around 1. I didn't get to bed until about 3. But I got up in bed around 1. And a lot of it was because, you know, I had to do the podcast.
You know, I had to prepare.
I had to get ready.
You know, I got a producer came to help today, Chris Perez, Latino fella.
You know, and he coming in here with these Latin ideas and stuff like that, you know.
Them piñata junkies, they out there, you know, sipping limonada.
So, and I'm pulling I'm coming in half Nicaraguan, you know, so we got that root.
We got that Spanish root a little bit.
So I had to get up and, you know, show some excitement for that.
So I guess I'm really grateful.
Today I'm grateful to you guys for being here for me because this is something that I've committed to and it's a commitment that I'm not giving up on.
So I got up.
I made a gratitude list.
That's one thing I've been good about doing.
You know, I just list off 10 things that I'm grateful for.
And it can be anything, you know, from just getting some rest or, you know, having teeth.
You know, because you see some dudes that are just missing grill work, you know.
Some dude that's, he got the, you know, his grill, it's look like it's took on some strong propane a couple times because he blew a couple of pieces out, you know?
And I get going.
And now already I'm kind of feeling better, honestly, since I just kind of said that to you guys, really.
In my chest, I can just feel a little bit more excited, a little bit more, you know, a little bit more free.
Because it's just like this prison that sometimes just, I don't know, I can't even explain it.
It's like, because I don't, I mean, I haven't really been that depressed this year.
And this is one of the first years that I haven't when I really look back at my life.
And I think a lot of that is probably due to this podcast and keeping me, you know, giving me something to look forward to do.
And a lot of you guys calling in and sharing your thoughts and feelings and stuff that's going on with you and your lives.
It makes me feel like, you know, like I don't want to let you guys down either by not showing up and being here.
So thank you for, you know, a little bit of teamwork, I guess.
Because I just didn't feel good, you know?
And sometimes there's not even a reason for it.
You know, people are like, why don't you feel good?
I'll be like, because I'm probably used to not feeling good for a lot of my life.
And sometimes my brain goes back there because I guess it's comfortable.
I don't know why.
I don't know why.
I don't even have to have an answer, actually.
Sometimes I just don't feel good.
So that's it.
I didn't do anything bad.
You know, I didn't do anything wrong.
I mean, I probably could have got out of bed and got active.
That's what I should have done.
I started thinking too much.
And so, you know, I started thinking.
And instead, I took an action.
I got out and I got cruising.
And I'm here today with you guys.
So I'm thankful for that 100%.
And I ain't burning no Yule goats, boy.
They about to be hunting straw goats out there.
But back to my original thought now.
So in some places they kill animals.
They need them.
It's a necessity.
And when you get to Africa, okay, when you get to that big A, you know, where Indiana Jones went a couple times looking for treasure, when you get there, you see a couple caterpillars go by.
That's like bison.
Okay?
That is moving lunch right there in places where people are starving.
And that's real stuff.
So you get over there, that's a real deal.
You know, people are like, you hear that in the middle of the night.
They're like, I think I hear something.
And somebody look outside and it's just a caterpillar.
But that don't mean anything.
It means you get the spears out because that's lunch.
You know, that could be dinner.
And I'll tell you this story.
I was in Vietnam.
I might have told this story before.
I have very short-term, long-term memory loss.
And I was in Vietnam and, you know, you can go to the markets there and they kill an animal right there for you in the market.
You know what I'm saying?
You want an owl.
You want a little bit of owl meat?
Chop, chop.
Get it.
And next thing you know, they got a, you know, they got the owl right there.
They got a, you know, I'm no birth certificate.
This ain't no cabbage patch fucking cutlery place.
This is the real deal.
They got an owl.
You know, chop, chop.
You know, they got an Aardvark.
You want a little bit of Aardvark?
Next thing you know, they crack, crack, cracked open a spine of Aardvark.
You know, and they got it, you know, they pouring a marrow into a cup and they dibbing you out.
A couple of Vark medallions, you know.
Next thing you know, you're rolling out of there with eight little cuts of, you know, Vark.
So people, you know, you go into these Vietnamese markets, anything is a meat.
What do you want?
You want a little bit of, I mean, look, dude, if some visitors went missing, dude, I guarantee you they show up on a menu in a market.
You want two pounds of caffeine?
Huh?
You want a couple grams of Andy?
We got him.
So I went in there and I was thinking, you know, with these American thoughts, you know, I went in there like, oh, they had a couple of pigeons in there, you know, or might have been, what is it, some of God's canaries, you know, a couple partridges.
They had a couple partridges in there in a cage.
You could buy them, you know.
Dollar a partridge.
So I'm thinking, I'll get me a partridge.
I'm going to set it free.
I'm going to change the game.
You know, I'm going to be this big, you know, fancy fella here.
I'm going to come in here and show these Viettes how to change the game by setting animals free.
Dude, I bought one.
Dollar for a partridge, right?
Get that partridge.
I run outside with it, you know.
I mean, this is my moment in the sun, you know.
This is my, I let that partridge loose.
Man, I tell you, immediately, eight different Vietnamese people jumped on this partridge.
They had a, one dude pulled a sword out of his belt and went right at the partridge, dude.
Another dude came rolling off of a tree branch, dropped down on a rope and tried to snatch for it.
I mean, people came, it was like it was choreographed by the Lord.
It was just not, just eight different levels of partridge attackers.
And one guy got to it first, right?
Grabbed it right out there in the wild, in the open, in a parking lot by a Vietnamese market, snapped its neck, did a neck snap on that partridge, you know?
I'm not talking L5S1, dude.
I'm talking L9.
I'm talking about up top.
Snapped its neck and just put it right on his shoulder.
Because Vietnamese have small little shoulders, you know, barely could hold a book on them.
Barely could really hold a small book or a notepad.
You kind of probably comfortably set a notepad, but they got very, very small shoulders.
And he walked off.
And that's when I realized, wow.
Yeah, animal rights, definitely.
But these people aren't killing these partridges over here because for fun.
That man was going home.
That man was going to have Thanksgiving dinner or whatever.
You know, Vietnamese holiday supported a meal.
That man was going to feed his family.
So I guess if you got a meal, man, get your meal.
You know, I know I'm going to go over to Mississippi this year for Christmas Eve.
I spend my Christmas Eve in Mississippi, and you know that somebody is going to be sharing up a rare meat over there.
You know?
And I will find a way to get a little bit of dove or some venison.
Or hell, if they had Vark, I'd have a slice of that.
You know, I don't know what they'll have.
You know, turtle, you know, a little bit of horse or something.
Whatever.
All right.
Let me get into this.
As always, thank our charter sponsor, Gray Block Pizza.
Gray Block Pizza, you know where it is.
It's on Pico Boulevard, heading towards the beach in Los Angeles.
And if you want a slice, you want something treaty, go to Gray Block Pizza.
I'll name a pizza they have right now, the Deep Cheese.
And I got deep and cheesy on that read.
Also, if you want to know why movies aren't good anymore, and this is, if you don't believe it, then you're wrong, I think anyway.
Actually, I don't even know.
Some people maybe, if you like Marvel and all that movies, and that's just what you like, that's fine.
But I like a little bit of more.
I like a little Shawshank, you know?
I like a little bit of, what other movie do I like?
Castlevania.
That was a video game, but I still like something a little bit more.
I got the dark arts pending.
I like Bridges of Madison County.
I like Field of Dreams.
I like a movie that's got a little bit of touch.
I like a movie that reaches down your throat and just kind of plays with your heart a little.
That's what I like.
And I find that a lot of the films aren't entertaining anymore.
And it's because there's only a couple of studios making films these days.
It's so limited.
It's so specific.
You got to go through.
Why are Seth Rogan and James Franco doing a movie every six months?
Because it's a formula.
And the studio just worked with these guys.
They know we put in $100 million, we're going to make 20 million.
We're fine with this model.
We don't care.
That's why we have to care as consumers.
And now we can with Livetree Adept.
Go to livetree.com because Livetree is changing the entertainment industry by creating a new platform called Adept.
The public, us, will be able to fund what they want to watch, own what they help produce, decide who's in it and what goes on through the processes of content creation, funding, and distribution.
That's like imagine fan duel, but for the entertainment industry.
And I know that's just my own description, but that's what I'm telling you is that you can own what is being created and you can have a say-so in who creates it.
Go to livetree, L-I-V-E-T-R-E-E dot org.
Actually, go to livetree.com.
L-I-V-E-T-R-E-E dot com.
And we got a couple new shirts up.
People have been asking for them.
We got this past weekend onward shirts up on theova.com slash store.
And a lot of people have been respecting this hair.
It's been coming in this year.
You know, it's the one thing sometimes that makes me feel a little bit different or a little bit unique.
And we got a shirt up special on that.
And it says, you ain't got the balls to grow the falls.
That's what it says.
And it's got a picture of that sweet gender neutral hairstyle that's flowing off the back of my own head right now.
And this is gender neutral because you want a job today?
You want equality?
Well, I'm going to be a living example of equality because I'm gender neutral out here.
All right?
I'll do it.
I'll fold my nuts into something if you want to contest it.
I will fold my nuts into a, you know, do some or a vajami.
I'll do some or a vajami and fold my nuts into something because I'll come across.
I'm coming across.
You know, because we got to stick together.
If you got to be a lady at some points, you be a lady.
You know?
Sometimes I want to be, you don't think I want to be a big beautiful woman sometimes?
You know?
Get a cutlass and straight up chill?
Eat some lemon cookies?
And breastfeed something?
Then you're dead wrong.
Dude, I'll breastfeed a damn adult, boy, with a lemon cookie in my jaw.
Gang, gang, call me Rosemary.
You know, so sometimes we all go through some things.
Sometimes I want to lay in bed, you know.
Sometimes I want to lay in bed and watch little women, you know, or watch, you know, Care Bears or something and have girl snacks.
Sometimes I want to.
And that's okay.
It doesn't make me a bad person.
It doesn't make women a wrong person or a wrong gender.
Teamwork, man.
What's going on out here this past weekend?
A lot of fires.
A lot of fires.
They setting it off.
You know, Chelsea Handler had to escape from her home.
Kind of a bummer.
I wouldn't have mind if she'd have caught a couple of flames to the jaw, you know?
I'm not a Chelsea Handler fan.
I am not a Chelsea Handler fan.
I have trouble with the elitists just speaking down to other people because I don't think it solves anything, you know?
And I'm not saying that maybe I don't do it at times, you know, when I think I'm better than someone that I speak down to them.
But if I do do it, I want to find ways so that I don't.
I just don't like it.
I don't know.
That bitch just burns my balls open sometimes.
But you know what I do?
I pray for.
Swear, dude, praying.
Just because I need to get that.
If I got that hate, I have that anger in me.
I got to let that go.
That's not going to do anything for me.
That's my issue if I got it.
You know?
But I swear, some of these disconnected people, I'm just like, what is, are you serious?
Do you know what it's like to be a human?
Do you know what it's like to have any sort of struggle in the world?
Just sitting up in your billion-dollar perch telling people.
The California Wildfires, they got a video of a man chasing a rabbit out there.
And dude, if you ask me, the rabbit's trying to get away from this man.
You know, that dude seemed like a straight lurker.
He's out there catching bunny.
That dude is out there catching bunny, dude.
Dude, that rabbit tried three times to get away from that guy.
You know, and both of them, one of them seemed like they might have been a little bit tender.
You know, coming in a little bit soft in the thighs.
One of them seemed like they might have been a little bit, you know, like they might have just, you know what I'm saying, man.
One of them seemed like they might have been, you know, you might be able to find them on Grinder later.
You know, little Larry or little Lance or little, even the rabbit, maybe.
The rabbit looked like he was trying to maybe hop into some things.
But there was a lot of fires, man.
I woke up to that video.
I know everybody saw it, the one where the guy's just driving and there's the three road markers or the green sign.
You just see the hills just roasting in the difference, like in the distance, like just like a little baby Mordor happening.
And that's no joke, that is probably three miles from my house.
So it's close, man.
You know, a lot going on, a little bit of smoke in the air.
People wearing masks, though.
Come on.
I see a lady at the supermarket, got a mask on.
Some just air muppet.
You can't handle a hit of air?
Take a swig off of some air.
Dude, I remember when I was growing up, they burned everything in the ditch.
Dude, if you didn't want it or you didn't want somebody else to have it, burn it in the ditch.
Ditch fires?
Man, ditch fires, everything.
You run and jump over them.
Feel that heat on your crock, you know.
You had to open your legs to get across that ditch and you feel that freaking feel a little bit of stream hit you.
You know, you feel that hit.
It was fun, man.
The smell of a little bit of burning in the air.
I missed that.
It was like a camp, a little bit of a camp.
It had that campfire vibe.
But yeah, people's burning out here, and they got rich people just riding down the hills on, basically on the backs of their workers.
You know, I wouldn't be surprised to see, you know, Rosie O'Donnell just surfing down the hill on the back of a Latino yard worker.
You know, Esteban.
Plank.
Because I got to get down this hill.
But yeah, it was taking out some of the rich.
So fire is hunting the rich.
You know, what's going on?
What's going on?
But that man trying to get that rabbit, that seems very questionable to me.
Seemed like they either knew each other or one of them had ulterior motives.
Did y'all just happen to meet up on the side of the road?
Whatever.
What else?
Small town in Ireland proves that not all air pollution is bad.
The luck of the Irish strikes again as a small town in Ireland is getting a little second-hand high off a nearby Viagra factory whose fumes are polluting the airs.
That's true.
Local bartender Debbie O'Grady describes the air as one whiff and yo stiff.
Well, thanks, Deb.
But yeah, man, I get that hit, boy.
Because I'm no stranger to that dick game, man.
You know what I'm saying?
If I feel like it might even just be a crazy night, hell, I'll throw a five milli of sialis into my system just going to lunch.
If I'm going to go to the mall.
I mean, dude, I've been out there where you go on a date.
You think things are going well.
You know, you pop five, six, seven, eight millis.
You know, so you're running a little bit with a little bit of lift, you know.
And then the date goes sour.
So now you're running on about, you know, $22 worth of uppers, worth of cock uppers, and you're out in the wild.
So I don't want to say like, you don't turn into like a rapist, of course, but you definitely turn into somebody who's trying to get their value out of their medication.
And I don't know what that makes you, really.
I don't know what that makes me, really.
But yeah, man, I've been out there, dude, just lifted, you know, out there just diving boarding at the mall.
Or after a dinner, you dropped the date off.
She wasn't interested.
You thought it was going one way.
Next thing you know, you just wheeling around town with that, you know, caught up with that third femur.
You know?
You got that gift, boy.
You got that blood gift in your cat.
And that's wild.
And that makes you feel you're not a superhero, but you definitely looking to show off your special powers if you can find a lady that's interested.
So I wonder, is there any, you know, it doesn't say that on the box, really.
It doesn't say if the date you're planning on, they just got two people on a mountaintop in a bathtub.
And it doesn't say if you're planning on being wild and it doesn't work out, what do you do with that boner then?
You know, because it's out there.
What else?
We got the 25th anniversary of the first ever text message is coming up.
Do you realize that?
The 25th anniversary of the first ever text message.
That's this week.
And the first ever text message was Merry Christmas.
Pretty beautiful, huh?
That's nice.
The first thing anyone ever sent anybody over text was Merry Christmas.
That's a nice thought.
Now, 25 years later, more than 780 billion text messages are sent every year in the United States alone.
And some of them probably is D-picks, you know.
And I don't use my own dick pic.
If I sent a dick, it's my buddy Jason Tebow.
And he got a decent cock on him over there, and he's a comedian.
And he sold me two dick pics actually this year.
And so I might up my game and buy another two next year, depending on, you know, what's happening and stuff.
Oh, but we're going to get into a couple of calls here, man.
You know, I didn't have a big plan for this episode.
I guess I don't really have to.
You know, I start feeling some pressure.
Like, I got to have a plan sometimes with the podcast as we go on.
But, I mean, my main goal every week just needs to be, you know, just to keep it going and to show up.
And I appreciate you guys showing up.
Listenership is growing and people are part of this community.
It's good.
And we've had a good year.
And we did some cool stuff.
You know, we've helped some people.
We've shared some topics.
We've got some voice out there, some people's voices.
I got two beautiful thank you notes this week.
I had somebody drop off a gift at the comedy club for me.
I haven't even opened it yet.
I'm waiting until Christmas.
This young lady, Lauren, thank you so much.
It's just been good, man.
I've had my buddy Kevin Best has helped me make the shirts, you know, the Onward shirts that are now available in the store.
You can check them out.
It's been a good year, and I owe a lot of that to you guys for showing up and being a part of my life this year.
And, you know, I'm thankful.
You know, this has been, when I look back on my life, you know, sometimes I don't really know, you know, what I've done.
And I don't really feel, you know, I have to feel, I have to feel like I have to be constantly reminded, you know, I need constant proof that I'm okay or that I am doing things or doing my job.
I mean, some people would look and be like, oh, man, you're so lucky.
I'm talking to my buddy Brian yesterday.
He's like, you're so lucky.
You know, your life, like, you seem like you have it all and this and that.
And then here I am, you know, and I don't even want to get out of bed, even though I have a great day ahead of me full of people that love me and people that I love.
And, you know, so that's maybe some of what we're doing here for each other, you know.
And I think we're going to try to get back to, you know, I'm going to listen over the holidays and listen to the different episodes from the year and see what worked and what didn't.
And I'm always open to you guys' constructive criticism.
Always.
You know, we're trying to do this shit together, whatever it is.
So make sure to, you know, hit up in the YouTube comments or whatever, and thank you guys.
Now, I will say this.
We had a call last week from two weeks ago from Adam.
I'm going to replay Adam's call because Adam called in this week and was not happy about the responses that we gave him.
Let's hear Adam's, some of the replay from Adam's original call about pornography and gangbanging in-house.
More.
Hey, what's up, Theo?
My name is Adam.
And got a little question for you.
Maybe get your thoughts on a little something, something in the dark arts that I've been.
My wife at about year two informed me that watching pornography was akin to cheating.
Okay, so Adam's calling up to get thoughts.
His wife thinks, informed him in year two, watching pornography is akin to cheating.
Let's hear more.
She requested that I stop watching that pornography.
She wants you off that porn.
Okay?
And so I did.
But what she did for me was she allowed me to start filming us doing the nasty.
So she doesn't want you watching it, but she's now okay with you directing and producing it in-house with her onward.
Us making that sweet love.
Oh, yeah, dick tricks and all of it, man.
I've seen it all on the web.
That's got me through.
You know, it got me, it gets me through those, you know, those dry spells you run into.
So anyway, the dark arts part of this comes in with me, I kind of want to film her banging somebody else.
Okay, so you want that assassin, boy, you know?
You want that gunner.
You want that hitter swinging off the, you know, jumping off the bookshelf.
You want that brother, you know, with that erection jumping off the bookshelf and just swanning up into your wife's trap, you know, into that pH balance trap, you know, hopefully.
Let's hear more.
Anyway, man, I'd like to know your thoughts on that.
You know, if asking her to do that or eventually maybe even getting her to do that, what you think kind of an effect it might have on the old marriage.
Okay, there you go.
That was Adam's original call, right?
So we had callers call in last week on the Thursday episode, I believe it was, and give Adam their thoughts.
Because I put that out to everyone, Mr. Adam, because I didn't have experience, you know?
I mean, I made love to a couple girls that were, you know, were cousins, I guess, in Indiana one time.
You know, definitely at the end, by the end of it all, they were at least closer than they were before, that's for sure.
But then another time in Missouri, I had a woman, you know, a hottie, and this other lady was kind of this sort of, you know, kind of Polish or Baltic sort of barbell lifting looking young lady, you know, want to get into something wild before we hit the airport.
And then I had to hitch a ride from them to the airport, and the one that had to drive didn't get as much, you know, wiener treatment as much as the first one.
So the one that had to drive, she was feeling left out, you know, and dude, the irony, I kid you not, I remember, you know, the barbellish, the one that was on them barbells, you know, you ever see the barbells that have like 100, 100 written on the side or 1,000?
She looked like one of them ladies, you know, wearing a unitard kind of, you know, she was jacked up, you know, neck bone connected to the, connected to the calf muscle, you know what I'm saying?
She was bowed up.
She had that Emmett Smith kind of, you know, backstrap.
But she, she had to drive me and the, and then the hot one sitting up in the air, you know, in a shotgun, feeling all pleasured out, you know, feeling empty a little bit, feeling like somebody just, you know, poured a cup of, you know, room temperature tea right between her legs, you know, feeling really kept up and satisfied.
And then the, you know, that Wrangler, that hit her, she's having to drive us to the airport, and she had a stick shift, dude.
And I could tell that every time she touched that stick shift, it just reminded her of some of that C that she, you know, some of that extra, you know, that mahogany wiener, that strength that she didn't get.
And I feel bad about it a little bit.
I should have, you know, done 50-50, and you should do that in a threesome kind of deal.
But anyhow, so those were my only things I could offer to you, Mr. Adam.
But then you came in.
But other callers had other thoughts.
They gave you thoughts on what was pornography cheating.
And they were all over the place, I felt like.
And they were, you know, some people say, well, whatever your wife says is cheating, that's what's cheating.
Somewhere it's definitely not cheating.
Somewhere it is cheating if your wife says so.
One caller said that you, well, let's hear what Adam said because then Adam called back after hearing that episode.
This was Adam's call.
Hey, Theo, what's up?
This is Adam.
I am your caller that apparently you had a whole show about my call and I just got done watching it and kind of off-put by the callers you put through.
Bunch of haters, bunch of jealous haters.
Dang.
Adam coming in.
His oven's already preheated before he got on the phone, huh?
He already baking bread.
Let's go.
Calling in to condemn me for what I want to do in the privacy of my own bedroom with my wife.
And just to dispel a few fictions that were made up about me by your callers and some by you.
Okay, he throwing stones.
But no, I appreciate your call.
Adam, I do appreciate this call.
I appreciate the response.
I am intrigued.
Let's hear more.
Pornography was never a problem with me.
I'd watch it occasionally.
The reason my wife said it was akin to cheating is because she saw it on my phone one time when she got in my phone.
Okay, we didn't know that.
Let's hear more.
I wasn't a regular watcher of it, but like I said, it got me through a few dry spells here and there.
But you had all these callers calling in, condemning me, telling me I was crazy, telling me I had sick issues and all this stuff.
And first off, let me clarify some things for some people.
I have a happy marriage.
I have a secure marriage.
Swag.
Marriage.
My wife and I are freaks together.
So it wouldn't be something that she would completely freak out about.
Gang, gang.
But, you know, you call this a safe space, and then I listen to your show, and it's nothing but just haterade pouring out your lines with all these bitter women calling.
It's just pathetic, man.
Bitter women.
I mean, I felt like, and there were some ladies that called, and I thought that they had a female perspective for you.
You know, I don't think that just, I didn't find them to be bitter.
I felt like they were genuinely concerned.
Let's hear some more, Adam.
After hearing all your calls, I decided not to talk to my wife about the whole bringing somebody else in.
Maybe it's not a good idea.
I heard one caller say that, you know, it's a murder waiting to happen or some crazy shit.
So you're saying you decide you then went with their advice.
Even though all these people crazy, you went with their advice.
Hear more?
Anyway, disappointed at the show and disappointed in you for kind of piling on with all your other retard callers.
Dang, now he's counting chromosomes.
Now you counting psalms on people.
Wow.
I'll still listen to you.
You're still my favorite comedian.
I love what you do, but your callers can suck a dick.
And he's still trying to get more sex at the end there.
You hear that?
Offering his own cock out at the end.
Adam, I appreciate your call, man.
And I'm going to tell you, first of all, I thought about this, man.
I even took a couple of notes.
First of all, there was some misinformation, okay, because we didn't know that your wife was a freak.
You know, we didn't know that you was dating a wild cat.
You know, we thought you had a smitten kitten at the house.
You know, you said your wife didn't want you to, you know, or had called you out for watching pornography after two years of marriage.
So that makes, we're picturing, you know, we're picturing a little Freudline in the kitchen.
She got the apron, you know, you know, says save it for marriage on it, you know, knitted into it by her grandmother.
She's, you know, we're picturing a smitten kitten.
You know, she's at the home, you know, you know, welding homemade jingle bells maybe will be the craziest thing she ever does is welding homemade jingle bells in the in the garage, you know, one year when she's feeling wild, you know, instead of, you know, going into lesbianism after you guys have been married for 15 years or whatever, she gets that out of her system by welding homemade jingle bells, heavy bells, you know, some D-noters in the garage one year, and that's how she gets it out of her system.
We pictured that.
You know, we pictured that sort of a vibe of a woman, I believe.
And then also, we didn't know that she was, you know, that she had that Cruella de Ville in her, you know.
We didn't know she had 101 Dalmatians trying to get up in that A, you know?
We didn't know she was like that.
So for one, there was misinformation, and that's okay.
Look, I like a freak, you know?
I like somebody that don't mind doing some things or showing out some things, you know?
Somebody that, you know, let you get in the car port every now and then, even though you already, you know, in the garage.
But I think when the audience heard you ask me for thoughts or suggestions about jerking off, about cheating, and I didn't have them, then I put it over to them.
You know, and that's the thing.
It's like maybe I should have said, hey, I don't have, maybe I should say on the hotline, and this is for anybody hitting the hotline from now on, that this call, a call could be put out to other people.
You know, and I'm sorry.
So I do apologize for that, man.
If you didn't want it put out to the masses like that for other people's thoughts, then I am sorry because I didn't really let that know, be known.
And I'll make that clear from now on.
And I hope listeners understand that.
And the hotline is 985-664-9503.
And all you guys knew that I was going to drop that hotline number right there, too.
All y'all are sitting like, I bet he going to drop this hotline number.
But I was crowdsourcing.
I put it out to the audience.
And I thought they did a good job.
I thought most people had your care or concern.
I thought, you know, I thought it was pretty supportive.
You know, except the one lady did say you might get murdered, but the more I thought about it, you're talking to an avid Dateline watcher.
Okay?
But what about that can opener?
You know, my buddy Jeff Richards, he does a good impersonation of the old white guy from one of the Dateline episodes.
And I'm paraphrasing, but he's like, but what about that can opener?
It was usually in the drawer.
So summer came and summer turned to winter and winter turned to fall and fall turned to box day.
But you got to check him out.
But anyhow, so we did that, man.
I feel like we did.
But I want to apologize if I let it be crowdsourced and you didn't want it.
But you called out that lady, say you thought you might get murdered.
I'm going to play a part of her call really, really quick because I thought that her call was really accurate.
And you'll probably like in six months be dead because like this is the beginning of like how murder mysteries start bro like it all started when Adam said hey I want you to you know have sex with my friend like Steve then Steve and Adam's wife had a thing on the side where she was like oh no I don't like Steve but she did like Steve and then like oh Adam's got like life insurance and
now bro you just cut yourself out of the equation that's it and if you don't think that's a recipe for disaster then I don't think you would have agreed with them at the end Adam so I'm gonna take you to task on that but it's been a journey man you know you wanted it and I believe that our audience gave you some really good suggestions and good thoughts you know but I do appreciate you calling in about it and I appreciate your call back in and I'm sorry that you felt you know if you got misled a little bit and I didn't mean that you know I'm no misleader you know I try to lay breadcrumbs and
that's for both of us to get home you know I'm not here I'm not out here you know hanceling by myself you know you're my gretle brother you know but Adam boy you know that's how it goes I mean even even in the Bible if you go back to Adam you know you wanted to get that fruit what happened you want to get that fruit you want to taste that pear you want to get that lily lily and put it in your mouth you know you want to pick a pig's foot off the branch and next thing you know you want to
have a barbecue in the back of your throat but you don't want to face the consequences well that young lady that called up said you might get murdered she she's a woman that's a woman's perspective you know and i can't give you that woman's perspective you know even if i do my vajamagami and you know and even if i try and you know put on a skirt or some type of a cotton something or
some polyester breast arm fucking uh um tankini or something i'm not gonna i can't offer you that so that's why we outsourced it but oh what do we do i don't even you know i i don't even know sometimes i don't even know sometimes man i'm thinking about the holidays i'm thinking about some of the food i want to see some more food
man that's what i want damn i want some damn whipped cream i bought a bunch of pears and i've been eating pears for the past two days and i'm i'm tired of eating pears man i really am so we got one more call that we had a caller that called in uh earlier this year and it was a call that i've been i guess afraid to play for you and i'm not going to play it now but i'm going to play it uh later this i'm going to play it on the next episode on next sundays i think and uh and i should have got to it before it was about um
something that happened between me and them on the road and i'll get to it next episode and uh but first i got one more call came in right here and i'm going to put this through here we go yeah jared from boston here again waiting on that snow to do some snow plowing i know you got hit down there your family got hit down there in louisiana yeah that's true they got that snow down there you know they got that snow down there in louisiana and my niece they sent me a picture of my niece was down there on a on a quad on a four-wheeler out there
just doing donuts out in her yard and she's only eight or nine years old so you know she's pretty brave little lady out there to be quadding out there like that but that was uh she's a ballsy little lady um if any of you ladies out there have good uh advice on what to get like kind of a country girl uh who are children these are children um nine and or eight eight and maybe six i think my nieces are nine and seven and i'm trying to think of some cute kind of stuff that they're really smart
they um you know they just like they're kind of country girls if anybody has a good gift or suggestion for them uh maybe email it to me if you can and that's just uh theo vaughan th e o v o n at mac.com m-a-c.com.
And let's finish up this guy's call.
Here we go.
Got that little dodge blanket coming at you, keeping y'all nice and cozy.
And I'm going to be doing some plowing and I'm going to be doing some listening.
So just want to say, God damn, you're a handsome young man.
Thinking about dressing you up in a little dress and a little wig.
Oh man, he's trying to get me feeling special.
You hear him?
He's trying to rearrange the fridge and take me off that busy shelf and put me in that CRISPR drawer.
You know what I'm talking about.
Taking you on a walk through the woods.
Yeah, but I ain't going to show you grandma's house.
I'm going to show you something else, Steel.
You know what I'm saying, kids?
You know, we're doing some plowing.
We're doing some snow plowing.
We're doing some plowing.
You know what I'm saying?
On that little boot hat.
Damn, he got France there at the end of that part, huh?
Moore?
But I ain't really gay, bro.
But if I was gay, I'd be all up in that ass, deal.
You a damn handsome man.
Dang, dude.
Look, if you gay or not, man, it's okay.
And if that's what you got to do to get it out of your system sometime, call another man and leave a voicemail telling you going to sneak him off into the woods.
I mean, you really describe the evening, Mr. Boston.
You really describe the evening, Mr. Boston, about being sex and doing sex and doing it.
And, you know, getting out of there and trying to skeet between my cheeks like that, you know, and being dark.
You know, and trying to get all browny-browned out, you know.
That's that, but he talking about the booty time, you know.
And yeah, I don't know if you ever knew this, but that song, Brown-Eyed Girl, that's always about doing, you know, backdoor sex.
If you don't realize that, hey, where did we go?
Days when the rains came, down in the hollow, playing a new game.
Come on.
Laughing and a running, skipping and a jumping.
You're my brown-eyed girl.
Come on, man.
Playing a new game.
Y'all know that.
You know what's going on out there.
But look, buddy, we all have to do something to get it out of our system every now and then.
You know?
Sometimes I used to go to Quiznose and eat a big sandwich.
And when you open your mouth on that toasty bread, and I've talked about this before, and you lock eyes with another man there, you can feel the squirrels run.
You can feel that homosexuality just kind of temper through your shoulders and shake out.
Shake down straight, man.
You can feel your neck swirl a little.
And that's okay.
You know, that quiz knows gives you that.
You got to let the squirrels run a little bit.
Sometimes you got to do something.
You got to touch your buddy's neck while he's sleeping, you know?
And hold on to your nuts with the other hand at the same time.
Sometimes you got to get that, whatever it is, to get that out of you.
You know, or to let it thrive.
I'm speaking from a straight male's perspective.
You know, I might do gay when I'm 70 or 80, right?
But for now, I'm doing straight.
And I'm going to have a family and I'm going to do all of it.
You know, but I'll look at gayness when I'm later.
I'm in no hurry.
A lot of these gay dudes trying to get you to be gay right now.
Back up, buddy.
Not interested.
You know, they say it's a choice.
It's not a choice, you know.
Gay dudes are always like, it's not a choice, man.
It's nature.
I believe it's nature as well.
So then quit trying to get me to choose it, bro.
You know, my gay friend's sneaky, dude.
You know, you get home, take off your pants after a night out, and you find your gay buddy be in your pants.
Like, damn.
What you doing in there, Sidney?
So you got to have some time to watch for that sneak, man.
But you can't blame them.
They're men.
But that's that.
You guys hit the hotline.
We're going to do a Thursday episode talking about Christmases around the world.
If you have a special Christmas story or something, a unique tradition that happens at your house on Christmas, why don't you give that to us?
Ladies, I'd love to hear from some of you ladies too about what's going on out there.
What do you think about this, about the show?
Are we too male?
What can we do to, you know, I love having a female perspective, you know, because a lot of times in my life growing up, I didn't have one.
And even if I did have one, I couldn't hear it.
I just couldn't.
I couldn't absorb a female perspective like I wanted to.
So if we got some women out there that want to drop some stuff into us, if anyone wants to hit the hotline, it's 985-664-9503.
Please hit it up.
Anybody out there struggling, anything, anything you think if I can share any of my experience, you know, any of my strength, any of my hope, I'm happy to do it.
And thank you guys so much for being here with me today, man.
I feel better.
Not joking.
100%.
If you're on the YouTube right now, you can see me.
I got on a Christmas shirt.
I wore a Christmas shirt just for you.
And I honestly, I feel better.
And I am very, I want to say thank you because, you know, if you don't show up for me this year, then I wouldn't be showing up for myself.
I wouldn't be showing up for you right now to get this done.
And that's teamwork, man.
Constantly amazed at what happens when we show up for ourselves or when we show up for other people.
And I'm constantly amazed at what happens when, you know, just when we connect.
You know, when we connect, it just more things happen.
And I'm happy.
I appreciate it.
I'm happy here.
I'm going to go.
My buddy's going to be here in about 10 minutes.
We've got a little squad, beautiful crew.
And we're going to head over and see Mr. James Blake.
He's a really soulful musician.
And how they packed all this, you know, how they packed so much urbanness into a white gentleman, man, it's baffling.
So if he ever breaks open, I have a feeling they're going to have a whole sweet family of sisters.
They're going to come just rolling out of his ribcage.
But I'm happy.
I appreciate you guys being here.
I'm going to take you out.
One of our callers said to let the music play, so I'm going to let this play.
Here's my Kevin wakes up in the morning for Christmas on Home Alone.
Here's somebody pulling a big bird out of your ass if you've been lodged or something like that.
And you at the Ready Med or you at the emergency care.
Here we go.
Be good to yourselves, guys.
I hope you deserve it.
I bet you do.
Thank you very much.
Happy holidays.
I'll see y'all on Thursday.
Love you, creeps.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends, sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Suiar.
Is it there?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
