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Nov. 30, 2017 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
49:11
This Past Thursday: 11-30-17 | This Past Weekend #56

Follow up to Monday's Episode. Callers respond to Adam's issues. https://www.livetree.com https://www.patreon.com/theovonSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time Text
All right, man, let's be young criminals, man.
Let's be some young criminals, alright.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.
Thursday, you hear that something that kind of song before you masturbate at a junkyard or at like a recycling center, boy.
Yeah, let's go.
Yeah, I want to thank that's Jesse Lucero.
Dropped that inbox to me and that hit.
And that's a nameless hit.
That hit doesn't even have a name to it, but that's probably a classic hit.
And I appreciate it.
Thank you guys for being here today on Thursday.
And it is November 30th.
It might be the last day of November.
You realize that?
It might be the last day of November 2017.
I'm too lazy to look at the damn calendar, I think.
But I want you to appreciate you guys for being here with me on the follow-up.
We got the follow-up this week.
I'm going to get right into it because I'm not playing.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm not playing today.
I got my weekend ahead of me.
I'm headed to Calgary.
I'm headed to Calgary, Canada tomorrow on a flight with three other comedians.
We're going to go to Calgary.
We're going to do a show at a place called Cowboys.
And I have never been to Calgary.
I've been to Canada and I've had some unique experiences up there.
Got some severe food poisoning up there one time and had to lay by a fireplace for a long time and get well.
Very Native American experience up there.
And sometimes I wonder what happened with the Native Americans that were in Canada.
Because you always hear about how Native Americans got treated here in the U.S. And not well, might I add if you miss those chapters in school?
But the answer is not well there.
And then I start thinking, well, how did they get treated over there in Canada?
You know, those kind of frost, they call them frostbacks.
I think a lot of people up there.
And I think, I don't know if that's a racial term or not.
I hope it's not.
But anyhow, man, thank you guys for joining me.
I just got out of some yoga.
So I'm feeling my spirit.
I'm feeling my spirit kind of living in the ends of my arms and legs.
And look, I'll tell you this about yoga, man.
I used to be anti-yoga.
You know, I used to be anti-yoga.
I'd go in there.
People are sweating.
You know, you can hear some ladies, they got their hoo-has dangling out.
You know, people, some people's in the corner just kind of, you know, laying on the thing with like a little blanket over them.
And, you know, they freaking tugging out.
You know, you know, they freaking petting that whistle, bruh.
But then you also have people that are in there that are really getting it done and getting their bones and joints in better condition.
And that's the kind of people that I was dealing with in there today, man.
It's good, dude.
Yoga, I'm starting to get into it.
They have that Diamond Dallas page yoga.
I've never done it, but I hear that it's pretty cavalier.
But I'm happy, man.
I'm feeling good.
I'm feeling lively.
You know, I might have to go hit that gray block pizza over on Pico Boulevard.
Roll up in there.
You know, peaceful.
Roll up in there.
And I'm going to stay.
Let me get that hitter, huh?
Let me get that gray block pizza.
Fill my mouth.
What's inside of your mouth right now?
Probably air.
Maybe gum.
Maybe your tongue.
Imagine, dude, if your tongue was pizza.
That's what can happen to you if you go to gray block pizza.
So you check it out when you're in Los Angeles.
G-R-E-Y-B-L-O-C-K-P-I-Z-Z-A.com.
We're doing the follow-up.
I want to get you guys immediately into the call that led to a lot of calls.
We had a lot of people hit the hotline.
985-664-9503.
We're going to get into, I want to play that call for you right now so you can hear what a lot of the calls were about.
Here we go.
Hey, what's up, Theo?
My name is Adam.
And got a little question for you.
Maybe get your thoughts on a little.
My wife at about year two informed me that watching pornography was akin to cheating.
Year two, first of all, this dude, I mean, that's a wild way to put it, I guess, Adam, year two.
But yeah, so 700 days into the deal, you know, after having the cake and the big party with everyone and friends you know and love and family and getting those gifts and getting that money, your wife says that porn is akin to cheating.
Let's go.
And so she requested that I stop watching that pornography.
And so I did.
But what she did for me was she allowed me to start filming us doing the nasty.
That nasty bye.
And you know what's interesting to me, Adam, is that nobody ever, it's never, I love how the nickname it is the nasty, you know?
It's not that beautiful dance, you know?
It's, you know, it used to be called humping.
Sometime they call it humping.
You know, if you, if just a woman is just, you know, I guess kind of on her knees and you're just back there behind her.
You know, that's humping.
You know, but the nasty.
And if you've ever watched two people have sex, dude, it's kind of pretty ridiculous.
Like not on pornography.
Like on pornography, you're talking to the all-stars, you know?
These are the Shaquille O'Neills of fucking on pornography, on sexual, you know, these are, you know, these are your, your, your, you know, these are your Neil Armstrongs of sex and, you know, you know, tits and butthole work and all of that, everything they're doing.
These are connoisseurs, you know, these are, this is, this is your salt bay of sexuality, these people on pornography.
Somebody rolling into your bedroom or my bedroom, seeing, you know, our hairy, you know, Derrilliers, that hairy air, boy, seeing our hairy Deriers or our, you know, our, you know, maybe if I have an ink stain on my leg because a pen broke in my pocket at work and it's been there for seven months, you know, and I mean, we're not showing off the best case.
You know, we're not showing off the best, you know, elements and the best limbs and, you know, and everything.
So you're going to be, your trade-off, I mean, that's a beautiful trade-off.
You know, at least your wife gave you an option.
She said, well, if you can't do this, I don't want you doing this.
But you're allowed to film you and me being nasty.
Let's hear more.
So anyway, the dark arts part of this comes in with me.
I kind of want to try something else, and I'm not sure on how she's going to take it, but I kind of want to film her banging somebody else.
That may sound weird to some people.
It may sound, you know, them jealous types, you know, they wouldn't get into something like that, but I've been thinking about it a lot, man.
And, you know, even sometimes when my wife is doing nasty things to me, I kind of, in my head, start thinking like I'm somebody else.
There you go.
So he really, in Adam's head, it feels like he is.
Well, let's see what some of you guys thought, man.
Because his wife is saying, I don't want you watching the pornography.
That's akin to cheating.
But you can feel must having sex.
And now he wants to bring some other people into the bedroom.
And if you're going to bring a, you know, somebody going to come in there with a big instrument, you over, you know, you in there with your little synthesizer and a brother shows up with a big bass drum, you know, I mean, maybe that's what you want to see, though.
You know, or if you get, I mean, you could get 11 or nine Asian dudes rolling up on your lady, you know, hanging off over like one of those bicycles in the Guinness Book of World Records, you know.
You might have 11 or nine, you know, 11 or nine Asian dudes, you know, some Viettes or some Laotians, you know, popping off, giving her that, you know, that, what's it called when they prick your skin with all those needles at one time?
I don't know what it's called, man.
Needle, needle work, you know?
If they knitting, they doing all that knitting, boy, they, you know, those little bitty, you know, crazy hammers, you know, the specific hammers.
A lot of Asians, they come with that specific hammer.
You know, almost like they got a, like they're sewing.
You know, they got that sewing machine, wiener.
But you get 11 of those, boy.
You know, you could call some arrhythmia or something on your old lady.
But so that was Adam's call.
And you guys got some great calls that came in.
So let's pop into one of those right here.
Hi, Theo.
This is Ashley.
I'm calling from Tampa.
Hey, Ashley, thank you for calling for Tampa.
Tampa, bad zoning down there.
You know, a lot of, I got accosted by a gay gangbanger down there one time.
Dude, tried to get me, honestly, to masturbate in and give him my wallet.
So that's, you know, it is what it is, but they got some unique zoning down there.
You know, strip club right next to a place where you could get a boat or, you know, get an animal euthanized, all types of stuff.
Spanish moss, everything.
Let's hear more.
Thank you for calling, Ashley.
I saw you for the first time a while back, and I think that was the first time I ever laughed, cried at a comedy show.
Well, I appreciate that.
Thank you for the compliment.
One dude, one night at a show, he laughed so hard, he came out of the closet.
You know, he was just like, I'm gay.
And his buddies are like, what the fuck, Gerald?
You know, calm down, bro.
Have another beer.
Get it together, Bucko.
Onward.
I've become a big fan.
I'm actually calling in response to your is porn cheating question.
And my short answer is no.
However, I think that it can definitely be a huge issue in a relationship if the person has some sort of addiction, which I think that one of my ex-boyfriends had an addiction.
Yes.
I mean, I don't know if one of your ex-boyfriends did have that, but I certainly have been there.
You know, that is a bad habit.
And it's a dark, that's the dark arts.
And that's where a lot of the dark arts even started for me, was getting caught up in that, you know, and just feeling around.
You know, sometimes I used to blindfold myself and pretend I didn't know where my penis was and then find my penis and then masturbate.
So, you know, just, because you got to spice it up, even when you're just masturbating, you got to spice it up, you know.
But yeah, for some people, it's a bad habit.
So you're saying no, Ashley, and it's nice to hear a woman's voice on this.
I'll say that.
There's something immediately, you know, takes it to another level when you got a woman talking about sexuality and that, you know, right here in this conversation in this, you know, in this vile little cauldron that we've created here to discuss this dirt topic, you know, onward.
It was to the point where he would rather lock himself in the bathroom and jerk off than have sex with me.
Ooh, that's a little silence of the lambsy, you know?
He's in there petting that black sheep and you outside looking for some wool, you know?
So, yeah, that's wild.
I've never, you know, I mean, honestly, I'll tell you this.
I did have times where, man, I would master, when I was seeing a gal, I would masturbate.
Even when she and I were not having good sex, the sex was not, we were not even having sex at a time.
And I would still be pleasuring myself.
You know, so at that point, there is something going on because, you know, this was a girl that I loved, you know, that I was in love with.
And I don't know why I wouldn't, you know, exercise that sensuality with her.
And instead, you know, I'm out, you know, beating that thing like it's a bad schoolboy, you know, like it just failed the third grade.
You know, I don't know why I do that, why I did that, or why someone does that.
You know, you really got me thinking here now, Ashley.
I think some of the reason was just, I almost wonder if some of it was out of a selfishness.
Like, if I don't, like, the more I connect with this girl, the more in love, maybe I'll fall more in love and maybe I'll get my feelings hurt.
You know, whereas if I just pleasure myself, then I know I'm in control of everything.
I'm in control of the situation.
Nobody can hurt me.
I don't know.
Interesting, though.
Let's hear more.
Thank you for calling, Ashley.
So I feel like if that's where you're at and he's not willing to admit that it's an issue, then I think that's fair to say that, you know, he should obviously stop.
But is it cheating?
No.
There you go.
It's not cheating, she said, unless it's a bad habit.
But I'm assuming his wife must have thought it was a bad habit if she said that if she told him to shut it down.
We got some of the great calls that came in.
Let's get right into it.
This is Rico calling from that New Hampshire.
Rico, that hamp.
That Hamp City.
Hamp, Hamp.
Calling about the porn cheating.
Hadn't considered it until Adam brought it up on the call where his wife called him out, but after thinking about it, I do think porn is cheating.
I believe that I have been cheating on my girlfriend.
There are times where I will masturbate before seeing her because I don't want to engage in sexual activities with her.
Wow.
I mean, this is kind of part of what we were just talking about.
Like, let's hear more.
I'm interrupting you.
Go ahead, Adam.
Sorry.
That's cheating.
That's cheating with your hand.
Okay, so you're saying that you even feel like that that's cheating.
That if you're masturbating, you know, you dropping that ounce, you know what I'm saying?
You know, you work in that water pole and you're keeping that away from your girlfriend, then that is cheating.
I mean, that makes sense, you know, in a way, like, yeah, I'm keeping this for me.
This isn't for you.
I mean, that's the same thing cheating is.
I'm putting this somewhere else.
I'm keeping this from you.
I mean, there's definitely, you know, there's some synonymity there.
Synonymity.
Let's hear more.
Like you said, if it's only a once-in-a-while thing, but if you're doing it instead of giving love to your lady, then yeah, I would consider cheating.
If you're doing it instead of giving love to your lady.
And yeah, I mean, I wish, you know, and a caller hit this on the hotline.
They said, well, why don't you have a therapist call in sometime or come in sometime and discuss some of these things with you?
And that's something that I hope we'll be able to get into here in the new year.
A couple more months here.
We're going to try to, you know, maybe even get into a bigger studio where we can have more applicable space for a guest.
Those are pipe dreams, but those are real dreams.
And some of that support comes from people supporting on Patreon, from our charter sponsor, stuff like that.
But that would be great to have a real therapist sitting in there, and then we can try to gun down some of these issues, you know, and walk through some of them whenever we're on a day like this where this is the kind of stuff that we're talking about.
But if you're keeping it from your lady on purpose, there's something going on there, you know, because why wouldn't you engage in that sex with somebody else?
You know, there's also a thing with a man.
Like, once you get close, it's like sometimes whenever you get, like a lot of my buddies are in, they're in relationships, marriages, but they have no sexual attraction to their partner.
You know, it's real stuff out there, man.
People are really out in these skeet streets and dealing with this stuff.
Next caller.
Hey, Theo.
This is Josh from Wisconsin.
Oh, and thank you, Rico, for that call.
Appreciate it.
Josh from Wisconsin.
Wisconsin is where they had the making of a murderer man.
And that Brendan Dassey, dude.
Come on.
Let that boy out.
The best he's going to do is maybe get a job rake and leave somewhere.
Let that boy out, dude.
Hadn't he been through enough?
He had adult acne as a child.
Let him out.
Onward.
Love the podcast, man.
I like everything you're doing with the dark arts and being that avenue for us.
Well, I'm just out here in these, I'm just a crossing guard, man.
I'm a crossing guard who's jerking off on his launch break.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm out here with you in these dark arts, bud.
Onward.
Heathens out here.
In response to Adam, the caller about porn, I don't think porn is cheating.
I think as long as it's not something you do on a daily basis and that's the only thing you lust for, I don't think it should be a problem.
But I think you can definitely watch too much of it to where, like you said, you lose that desire for your lady and putting up with all the normal relationship stuff doesn't seem worth it if you're not after that lust, after that nut.
Yeah, and he here talking, this young man talking about that nut.
And that's the thing.
Because here's the thing.
If you ain't doing pleasure and you ain't old faithful and you ain't being a human geyser and you just constantly treating yourself to free orgasms, you know, like you're the only person playing Monopoly and you're just going around the board as many times as you want like a damn cheating dirtball.
You know, if you're not doing that, I mean, if you are doing that, then, yeah, it's self-I mean, first of all, you're doing your own thing.
So how do a marriage is where you're supposed to put it together?
You know, you're supposed to put them body parts together.
You know, you're supposed to put the love together.
You're supposed to see a woman in the kitchen and want to, you know, treat her to some of that DNA glue.
You know what I'm saying?
That maker.
That baby maker.
You know?
And how semen is not on the periodic table of elements, I will never understand.
I will never understand.
Salt is on there, sodium chloride, dude.
Salt is going to spruce up a steak, maybe, and tighten up some broccoli.
But you want to start a family, you need semen, dude.
Salt ain't going to get you anything.
You throw salt in a woman's vagina, dude, they're going to get pissed.
And that's no children, just anger.
And that's the truth.
But let's hear a little bit more.
But yeah, if you're spraying that, if you're giving that away all the time to whatever, to a screen on your computer, to the sink, to whatever, to the shower drain, then you're not saving that feed.
That attraction is not going to be there.
Your chi is going to be dissolved for your spouse.
Let's hear more.
So there's that.
Interesting thought here, though.
Do you think his lack of watching porn now and not having that avenue to express his sexuality, do you think that that led to his desire to share his woman?
Also, I couldn't do it.
I'm way too jealous for that.
Wow, that's a really interesting thought.
So the fact that he couldn't watch porn anymore, but he had been watching a lot of it.
Now he needs to see porn.
I mean, his wife said she was okay with him filming them, but that's like watching the same porn over and over again.
Now he wants to see somebody else on the screen, you know.
Now he don't want to just be at butterthighs.com.
He want to go to, you know, silver foxes and silver crotches.
You know, he want to go to blacksuperstars.net, you know.
He want to see some brothers throwing that javelin with the sneakers on, a couple brothers in New Balance going to town, you know, on Little Red Riding Cot.
You know, he wants to see that.
You know, he wants to see them aerialists.
You know, sometimes you can get on some of those websites and they'll have a Chinese man or a Vietnamese fella or just a small Italian and they'll come whipping off those aerialist things that they have, the trapeze, and land in a crotch like that and try to do no splash, you know, or no, you know, try not to wake the lady who's sleeping there with her legs open or whatever the gist is of the pornography.
But so this caller's saying that.
Do you think that by stopping one, but already being fused with it in his brain, that Adam now still wants to see porn, but the only way he can see it is by making it on his own?
Wow, this is almost like a script for like a murder or something.
It could be.
You know, our psyche is a, our psyche, it's like a chef that don't want to go to the grocery sometimes.
Our psyche will just use what's in the cupboard.
Oh, if I got this already and I got this.
That's why sometimes you have to go to therapy and you have to go to some of these things.
You have to talk to people.
You have to let it out.
You know, you have to let these ghosts out of your soul, you know, out of your soul cave.
Because if you don't, then the chef, your psyche will just use the same ingredients.
It'll repackage them.
So now, and look, man, it can make a nastier recipe.
Before you're just watching other people have sex on the screen, next thing you know, you're spending $2,000 on cameras and lights, and your wife's getting, you know, chirped up by some bad birds that are flying in.
You know, people flying in on Southwest to bang your wife.
Man, what is going on?
All right.
You know what movie I watched the other night?
It was Horseman on Netflix, and Dennis Quaid is in the movie.
And I like Dennis Quaid because I interviewed him one time on our allegedly podcast, and he brought some tequila to myself and my co-host, and he got in a fight with a parking attendant afterwards downstairs.
And I thought that was pretty interesting.
You know, I didn't get the statement from the parking attendant, but Dennis Quay was just kind of TO'd and whatever.
Who knows?
But I thought it was just pretty cool.
And while we were talking, I told him that my favorite Dennis Quay movie ever was this movie called Frequency.
And he told me that his favorite movie he ever did was called Frequency.
So I always respected that.
But I watched Horseman the other night on Netflix.
If you haven't seen it, don't.
It's horrible.
It's a bad movie.
It's about like, I don't know.
It's supposed to be about serial killers.
It got four stars on Netflix, which means nothing.
And we have no clue how they give him these stars or whatever.
But it was absolutely bad.
And the problem is with a lot of films you go see, they're bad.
Murder on the Orient Express.
Beautiful looking, nice train.
But you know what?
I'm not paying $25 to go see a train.
You know?
Like, I'll go on an actual train.
I'll get on Amtrak and see a real murder for probably the same price, but at least I get to travel across the country halfway.
And the problem is with the film industry these days, it's that it's just built in such a way that it stifles creativity.
You know, they deliver bad content.
You know, there's just a few actors and a few people that keep getting the same jobs over and over again because they've monopolized the industry.
You know, there's only three or four studios that are even making anything.
You have to go through Seth Rogan.
You have to have The Rock in any movie.
You know, these companies know that if they make a movie that costs $100 million and that The Rock is in it, they're going to make $120 million after.
So they make $20 million profit, and that's enough for them.
They know that they can just use that cookie cutter format every time.
But the problem is we get bad content until now.
Now there's a new program.
It's called Livetree.
Livetree.com, you can go to it right now, and it's basically a network that's going to allow us, the consumer, to invest in projects and we will own part of the project.
So we get to kind of pick what will be created.
Imagine like fantasy football, basically, where you get to put the players in, right?
You will help choose the actors.
You will help fund the projects, but you will have an ownership.
You will have a stake.
You will have a share.
Imagine that.
It's basically like create your own pizza, but it's for film and television.
And that's what's going on now.
And it's amazing.
It's a way that the industry can change.
Go to livetree.com.
Check out how you can get involved.
This is the time to get involved.
It's like, say, if I told you five years ago you can invest in Netflix now.
That's what's going on.
Livetree.com.
You want to check that out, I promise.
All right, let's go to our next caller here.
This caller is from Huntsville, Alabama, where I was just a few weeks ago.
And I appreciate you calling.
Here we go.
What's up, Dale?
This is me calling about if pornography and viewing is cheating or not.
Thank you for calling, young bucko.
Let's hear more of your words.
I think you said it best, man.
If it's a habit that you're setting aside time for on a regular basis, then yeah, I believe it's cheating.
I've been with my wife for about five years, and anytime I got into the habit of watching porn, it always took the excitement of having sex with my wife away.
100%.
You know, if you got that gusto headed towards your lady and you sprang in that gusto out in the yard or pulling up there by the Wind-Dixie and masturbating or whatever, then, of course, you're not going to bring that same gusto into the household.
You know, and I feel you, man, you know, and it's wild out there.
If you have it in your planner, first of all, if you have it in your planner, you know, breakfast, gym, Yurik off, you know, that kind of stuff, then you got to, then that's definitely not good.
So I feel you there.
Let's hear some more.
Thank you for calling.
And I wonder if Adam's fantasy of watching his wife getting nailed by another man actually stems from watching porn.
I don't have any experience with the whole cucking situation, but I would.
And cooking, he's talking about cooking, and that's the thing where you, you know, you have, you know, it's basically tag team where you tag in somebody else and they come in and, you know, put your wife's vagina into a figure four leg lock onward.
But I would think that being married for only five years, that it may be a little too early to start making those kind of requests in the bedroom.
And if it was my wife, I know it would kind of freak her out.
She'd feel like she didn't know who I was.
Like, I wasn't the man she married.
And that's a good point.
You know, if all of, yeah, you can't surprise, you can't be like, hey, you know, I got a new sex toy to your wife.
And then you crack, you know, she's like, well, what is it?
And she's looking in the drawers.
And then you next thing you know, you know, she's looking in the bedside table.
And next thing you open the closet door and it's big Ralph, you know, or it's thick Hank, you know, rocking out.
You know, you can't, you know, all of a sudden you're a conductor.
You're not even a participant in y'all's relationship.
You're more of a conductor at that point.
You know, and you're just fueling up that, you know, you fueling up Ralph or Hank if you getting them Gatorades or anything while they're doing activity.
You know, so you got to think about some of that.
And yeah, maybe you've evolved into some other type of deal, brother.
You know, Adam, our original caller.
Maybe you've evolved or devolved, however you want to look at it.
You know, your tastes have changed.
But that might not be what your wife signed up for.
You know?
I mean, these are his thoughts, brother.
Let's hear some more.
Another caller.
Here we go.
Hey, Theos, Bob, longtime listener.
Big Bob.
Dude, I'll tell you this, man.
They had a guy in my town named Big Bobby Bobbertson, right?
Bobby Bobbertson.
And this boy was big.
He might be deceased now.
Bless him.
Beautiful guy, but he was so big that you didn't want him to fall on anything sharp because he would just pop.
You know what I'm saying?
You don't want him to fall on a nail or anything.
He would just explode.
He was that big.
Just pressure.
You could see his insides were just pressed up against his skin.
There was just nothing.
There was no room for anything.
His eyes, he looked like he was just trapped.
His eyes looked like they were just two balls that were trapped in his head.
But he used to, he eventually actually kidnapped somebody and got busted for pistol whipping some young fella.
But before that, he was a attendant at a gas station, 24-hour gas station, where you could get gas and different delectables.
Mostly fatty delectables like, you know, rotisserie hot dogs and cheese dips and, you know, chips, slim gems, gobstoppers, ices, freezies, snack cakes, different things like that.
Sometimes milk, but the milk would only last for a few days or maybe 24 hours.
You know what I'm talking about?
Gas station milk.
A gas station.
You know what I'm talking about.
Well, he worked there, and he used to let us go sit in there during high school.
We put lawn chairs in there by the liquor, by the beer cooler, and just drink beers back there and just sit in there, like have a little powwow right back by the beer coolers there in the beautifully lit gas station.
I think it was called an AMPM.
But anyhow, Big Bobby Bobertson.
But nice to hear you, Bob.
Let's go.
This is that question about Adam was raising his porn is cheating.
You know, I just got, I mean, I've been married for quite a while now, almost 15 years.
Whoo, that big kink say more.
And, you know, man, I've been beating my meat for, again, since the day I can't remember.
And, you know, ain't nothing wrong with, you know, getting your hands on yourself and staying in touch with yourself.
And, you know, just being one with yourself.
Oh, yeah.
G and up.
Sometimes you got to drink a Red Bull and just jerk off, you know, and get out there, be an outdoorsman.
Let's hear more.
You know, men have beaten off forever.
They're going to continue beating off.
I don't know about that.
300 years from now, will men still be masturbating?
Who knows, brother?
That's a big speculation.
Onward.
You know, porn is just a way to, you know, get that energy out, you know.
And, I mean, I feel like if you take that away from a man, then, you know, who knows where that energy is going to be directed to?
You know, for all I know, you take away my porn.
You're taking away my biscuits and gravy, my freedom.
You know, you're taking away everything.
Yeah, you heard it.
You're taking away everything.
If you take away that man's pornography, then what's next?
You're going to take away his guns?
You're going to take away his pudding pops?
You're going to take away his ability to Buy gasoline, you know, where does it stop?
So, yeah, I mean, you're saying men need it, that it's okay.
And look, for most men, it is, but this lady don't want this man having it in the household, he doesn't want it to be a part of their relationship because it affects it, you know.
But for you, it doesn't.
Some men, I think it's an unhealthy scenario, and in his situation right there, it's not.
So, Bob right there is not affected.
Bob is, that's what's referred to by many, Bob, as being unaffected.
You're unaffected by it.
Let's hear a little bit more here.
How's it going, Theo?
It's Mason from Boston, Massachusetts.
Boston.
Yep.
And I'm calling in regards to that fella who was talking about filming his wife and another man having sex.
I got to say to him, I don't think that's right at all.
She says that him watching porn is cheating, but then he wants her to fuck another guy, and that's okay.
I don't know, brother.
I don't know about that.
That seems like the dark arts to me, one of the things.
Oh, yeah.
Well, it's definitely the dark arts.
That's why we're discussing it here.
There's no doubt about it.
You know, the man, you know, she said no to that.
He's thinking about introducing it.
You know, I mean, he's got an infection.
He's got that itch to see that visual.
You know, he's got that itch.
That's what I think.
But these are you guys' thoughts.
And that's why we have this follow-up episode.
Let's check in a little more.
Here we go.
Hi, Theo.
I'm calling from Miami, Florida.
Oh, mommy from Miami.
This is in response to the guy that wanted to bring another guy in to be with his wife.
Yes.
I can film it.
As somebody who's married, I don't think that porn's cheating, even though I did think that at first, I'm totally over that, and I just, I don't find it cheating.
Okay, so you don't find it cheating?
And this is from a lady who is married here, Gas.
She giving her throwing in her four cents.
Let's hear more.
However, I would say that about the whole bringing the guy into the bedroom, I think he should maybe reconsider that or really analyze whether he really wants to bring another guy in or if he's just tired of watching himself in the videos that he's making at home.
Because if that's the case, then maybe he should just talk to his wife about the whole porn situation.
I don't know.
I just feel like.
Yeah, look, and I'm just going to cut you off there, but that's a great point.
Maybe you're just tired of watching yourself, Adam.
Maybe you need to spruce yourself up.
Instead of bringing another man in, why don't you maybe do a disguise?
Maybe paint your legs dark.
I know people don't want to do blackfacing and stuff like that.
Some people think it's ridiculous to do it if you're, especially if you're being racially insensitive.
Of course, anything is.
But, you know, if you paint your body full body or put some skin toner on to darken up a little bit, maybe do that.
And then be in the videos.
Then you can be that kind of, you know, you can be that urban gentleman.
You know, or put some, get a tattoo, or wear some wings or something.
You can be that nightingale.
You know, or if you wear a Mexican hat, you know, there's different stuff you can do.
You know, you can grow some of your body hair out and be Russian or be Italian.
You know, you can, you know, you can get Yiddish.
You know, do something, get Yiddish, man.
Eat some bad food and then bang a little or something, you know.
I mean, there's definitely different things you can do.
So I think maybe that's another thing you might want to spruce up.
Or just hire a better editor.
Maybe that'll make the, you know, the stuff you guys are filming more exciting.
But I appreciate your call, young lady.
That's a good idea.
Let's hear some more.
Here we go.
Yo, what up, Theo?
This is your boy, Luke from California.
Big Luke.
I've been in on some things that have been going on in my life.
I've been the victim of the dark arts.
We all have been, sir.
These last couple years.
I'm married.
I have a kid.
You know, and I love my wife.
I love my kids.
They're my kid.
I'm going to save that call, actually.
I'm going to save that call for Sunday.
I'm going to save that call for the Monday episode, Luke, if you don't mind, man.
I think it just I'd like to get into that a little bit more, and it seems like it fits a little bit better for them.
So we'll check in on that Monday.
But here's, let's check one more caller here that we had come in talking about this pornography.
Is it cheating?
Is it not cheating?
And what it looks like bringing somebody else in your own homestead there, you know, for sensual play and for, you know, body joy.
Hey, Theo, this is Punk Ash from Baltimore.
Punk Ash from Baltimore.
And Baltimore is a place where if you have some spare dope and you don't feel like doing it where you live, you can drive to Baltimore and do it.
Nobody probably will notice.
Baltimore, good place to get crab and murdered.
Let's hear more.
Calling in about is porn cheating?
Hell no, porn is not cheating.
Now, this fella sounded like somebody that, you know, familiar with his own body.
You know what I'm talking about.
And I get the other side.
I've been to church meetings and things trying to convince me and show me that porn's cheating.
And I get it.
Oh, indeed.
The Lord will try to keep you off your own meat.
He didn't build you and make you into this special creature for you to be, you know, fucking your own hand out there in the yard.
I probably do agree that if you're living in a fantasy world, that can't be good for the intimacy of a marriage.
But I just think calling it cheating is just not a good way to help.
It's just labeling people something that they're not, that the rest of the world hates, just to try and be more dramatic.
And that's a good point.
If you call it cheating, then it's this whole other thing.
Yeah, is it cheating?
Great point.
Is it cheating?
Or is it just, this is how he's getting his jollies?
You know?
He don't want to eat sugar at the house.
He's popping these little jelly beans on the side.
You know?
That's what's going on really here.
You know, so let's hear that one more time.
That's a really good point.
if you're living in a fantasy world, that can't be good for the intimacy of a marriage.
That's true.
If your relationship is there with that screen, then how realistic is your relationship in physical form with your spouse?
But I just think calling it cheating is just not a good way to help.
It's just labeling people something that they're not, that the rest of the world hates, just to try and be more dramatic.
It really...
Like, it reminds me when I'm watching the news.
Yeah, that's true.
There should be another word for it.
You know?
You know, yeah.
What's that another word?
You know, if you doing, if you're being like that, you know, if you're patty caking, you know, but only using one hand and your other hand is a wiener and it's your own wiener.
That's a lot of questions there.
But yeah, by calling it cheating, do we just label it?
Are we making it scarier?
You know, then you're in a whole different situation instead of just being, you know, hey, my husband's behaving like this.
He's doing this.
He's doing these activities.
He's doing that one-handed patty cake.
Other hand, weena.
So let's hear the rest of this.
And there's a fire in the background.
I started a fire.
Like a safe fire.
Like a safe fire for joy.
Reminds me when I'm watching the news.
When I'm watching the news, and there's a story about a little girl who's been kidnapped, and then you sit down and watch for 10 minutes, and the kidnapper is her father, and we're not even sure if he's dangerous.
It just seems like just a way to get attention to something you don't like by trying to make a big deal about it.
I know the kidnapping thing is much more serious, but I've always thought that there should be another word for that.
Yeah, no, and I get your point.
A lot of times, yeah, you get all these amber alerts six, seven times a night, and it's just some child's real father trying to spend some time with them, you know, because there's some bullshit going on with the courts, or it's a real mother just trying to, you know, finally get their kid back from an evil grandparent.
I agree.
It's a lot of clickbait out there.
And that makes me wonder, too, maybe even with Adam's call, was he framing it up?
Is he just trying to, you know, how realistic is he being with us?
You know, is he just taking us on a wild goose chase, making him think that he's caught up in this wild universe?
You know, with these, you know, does his wife really think it's cheating?
But then he's bringing this in.
It sounds like he not, I think, you know, if we had to come to some overall conclusion, it sounds like Adam's just not making some good choices.
You know, he's choosing this and he's going to get caught up.
And what happens after that?
You know, where does that end?
I mean, that's one of my biggest things, really, is where does that end, you know?
All right, let's get to one more here.
Hey, Theo.
My name is Gina, and I'm a first-time caller.
Thanks for calling Gina.
That's my mother's name.
You know, and that's a beautiful name.
I don't know.
I'm going to look up right now what it means.
I feel kind of sad that I don't even know what Gina means.
Meaning of Gina.
It's an English name, a baby name.
Eugena, Regina, Gina, Gina Lolobrigata.
That was a famous Italian, I guess.
Ginas make great actors or singers.
My mother could not do either of those.
And some of them just can be good writers, it says.
It's an English baby name.
That's all it says.
So anyhow, we learned that, that your name doesn't really mean much, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't mean that you don't mean something to us.
Let's hear a little bit more from you, Gina.
Thanks for calling.
I want to comment on Adam's cuck holding issue.
Well, be like that, boo-boo, and get that comment out.
Adam, your cuck holding situation, man, I'm nervous for that conversation.
I just don't see it going well.
I don't see your wife being open to that.
I can't imagine it.
But I do wish you luck with that.
And Theo, I do want to say how much we appreciate you, man.
I do love listening to you.
You make me laugh so hard.
And when you say at the end of most of your episodes, too, be good to yourself because we probably deserve it, man.
That's some of the nicest shit anybody says to me all week.
And I hope you're good to yourself, too, because I know you deserve it because we appreciate getting to laugh.
Oh, that's nice of you to say, Gina.
I appreciate that.
Man, that really resonates with me more than hearing my own mother talk to me some.
You know, I don't know why.
It's crazy sometimes how we can hear a stranger's voice better than we can hear some of the voices that are closest to us.
I don't know what that is.
I don't know what that is.
But thanks, Gina.
Yeah.
What's he getting into?
How deep's it going to go?
You know, Adam, these women are worried for you.
It sounds like everybody's a little bit worried for you, you know.
How does this end?
Are you getting caught up in these dark arts?
How deep you going to go, Cat Daddy?
All right, let's take one more call here and see what we can get.
Caller.
Hey, Vio, it's Becca from Southern California.
Becca, thank you for calling.
I'm calling as a divorced woman of eight years in response to Adam's call.
Dude, I had to pause your little video because that comment, that call was so creepy that I just had to take a breath and find my cell phone and be like, dude, I got to call that hotline.
I don't make these calls.
You got to hit that hotline when things get squirrely.
You know, when suddenly you feel like an oak tree because you've got squirrels running through your body.
That's when you need to hit the hotline.
985-664-9503.
Gimme more, Becca.
Let me get that hit up.
Anyway, so Adam, you are embarking on a very dangerous path.
And you'll probably, like, in six months be dead because, like, this is the beginning of, like, how murder mysteries Start, bro.
Like, it all started when Adam said, Hey, I want you to, you know, have sex with my friend, like, Steve.
It's always Steve, isn't it?
It's all even in hypothetical scenarios, Steve being nasty.
Yes, more.
Then Steve and Adam's wife had a thing on the side where she was like, oh, no, I don't like Steve, but she did like Steve.
And then, like, oh, Adam's got like life insurance.
And now, bro, you just cut yourself out of the equation.
Yep, right there.
You hear you on your, Adam, you might be on your way to a dateline episode.
A-D-A-M-D-E-A-D.
Adam Hardy has two of the same letters as dead.
Two of the same letters.
So you're close.
Let's hear more.
So, I don't know what is wrong with you.
Maybe you should just be happy with it.
You're getting laid.
I don't know.
And there you go.
That might be the general consensus right there.
That might be the general consensus from all of us.
All right.
I want to thank you guys for calling in.
I'm tired.
It's late.
I'm going to get out of here, but I'll be back on Monday.
And we already had some really good callers with some really good stuff to go over on Monday.
I'll update you guys.
I'm headed to Calgary, Canada tomorrow.
So I'm keyed up, you know.
Get up there, visit them Canadians and look them in the eye and just let them know that we're doing okay down here, that we're down here battling these dark arts.
Thank you to our lovely female listeners that called in.
And I'll see you guys next time.
Be good to yourselves because you know why.
You probably deserve it.
���� Celebrate living.
Celebrate misery.
Good luck, Adam.
You're gonna need it, dude.
Fucking with fire, boy.
You know what they say?
If you fuck with fire, boy, you lose your eyebrows, son.
You might even lose a family member.
Praise God, baby.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
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Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
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So great.
Hi, Sui.
Is it there?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
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