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Nov. 13, 2017 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
01:14:56
11-13-17 | This Past Weekend #51

Im in Laughlin. Hotel Wifi took 3 hrs to upload. Wtf. Hit the Hotline. New Thursday episode drops.... Thursday. 985-664-9503 www.patreon.com/theovonSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time Text
go You know it.
You know it.
Oh.
Ah.
Happy Monday, November 13th.
And that is a recording done by the one and only Tiny Sand Who.
Tiny Sand Who dropped us another recording through the email.
And I want to thank you, Tiny Sandhu, whatever you are.
You know, I thought about this the other day.
I'm thinking to myself, well, dude, what is a Tiny Sand Who?
You know, have you ever been around one?
Do you know a Tiny Sandhu?
What is it?
You know, what is it?
It's an animal.
You know, it's a sapling.
You know, it's a, you know, it's a, it's a, you know, it's something that's, you know, like a small wiener.
What is it?
It's something you can pet.
It's something you can't pet?
What is a tiny sandwo?
And I have no idea.
I have no idea.
But if you don't know, if you want to think about what a tiny sandhoo is, you go ahead and think about it as well.
Because anybody can think about anything.
That's one thing I know for sure.
You know what I'm saying?
Boy, I'll be thinking about things.
People could say, you can't do this, you can't do that, but when you look inside of my head, if you could see the picture shows that's going on, because I'll be thinking about it all.
But there he is, whatever that beautiful animal is, Tiny Sandhu playing a little bit of Guns N' Roses Paradise City underwater.
And it had me thinking, where's my Paradise City?
You know, am I always going to live in, you know, in turmoil?
Am I always going to live, you know, in uncertainty?
Or am I going to choose the next time that I, you know, step out of my truck or step off of my bed in the morning?
You know, am I going to choose that, okay, today, wherever my feet are, this is my paradise sitté, you know?
Because it can be your promised land if you make it your promised land, you know?
And sometimes it just starts with a promise to yourself that your perception and the way you look at things is going to be a little bit brighter.
Because trust me, I drug around a dirty, dirty sack of bad attitudes for at least 15 years.
More, maybe even more.
If I could remember more years of my life, I would say definitely more.
And so I know what it's like to carry that negative attitude and that negative energy around, and I don't recommend it.
I don't recommend it to anyone.
I honestly do not.
Thank you guys for joining me, man.
I'm so happy to be here.
It is Monday, November 13th.
Thank you guys for joining me on this past weekend.
Man, I had a wild one.
Man, I had a wild one.
I have to let you know that I will be in Huntsville, Alabama this Thursday the 16th through Sunday the 19th.
Friday night, I'm just featuring for a local gentleman.
They have a special show going on, but I will be on stage.
But if you're going to come out just to see me, I recommend Thursday, Saturday, Sunday.
As well, I want to let you know and thank you, Gray Block Pizza.
That's Gray Block Pizza in Santa Monica.
Ooh, Los Angeles, they say you don't got pizza?
Guess what?
You do.
Gray block pizza.
Good as it gets.
Tastes like you've had it before.
It'll make your mouth wish that it was a stomach.
Because after you swallow it, your mouth gets greedy that it only had it for such a short time and that your stomach's going to be holding on to it for a while.
That's gray block pizza.
But I'm here.
I'm coming to you from Laughlin, Nevada.
Do you even know that?
Don't assume where I'm at.
Okay?
I'm coming to you from Laughlin, Nevada or Nevada.
Drove up here yesterday to do a show at a church.
And it was at St. John.
I believe it was at St. John Church.
Dude, I thought it was going to go swimmingly and it went off the rails.
I mean, I thought it was going to be in like a side room of a church, right?
You think you're getting a gig at a church.
And look, I can handle it.
People, you know, think my material is super edgy sometimes, but a lot of it's not.
You know, I got a lot of great, you know, I can tell the stories and, you know, and share stuff from my childhood and I can keep people, you know, intertwined like that and intertuned into what's going on.
But man, I got in there and it was in the actual church, dude, where like the reverend and the preacher, the pastor where he preaches, you know, it was in his, it was in his doghouse right there at the front.
And next thing, you know, I get up, I'm telling a few jokes and I use the word erect.
Erect.
And erect is when your penis starts looking around for something, you know, for some other crotch, you know, or even, hell, if it's been a long time, could be your own crotch.
You know, even if it's like your penis heard something in the distance, you know, sometime even if your penis, it'll, you know, that's what it is, though.
And I said erect and some people walked out.
And I mean, look, I don't blame them.
You know, I'm saying erect.
I'm in a church.
But man, it didn't go swimmingly.
So then I had to stop telling jokes, right?
So suddenly one of the parishioners in the crowd just raises their hand and asks a question.
So now we started it into a conversation, right?
And then I get people laughing.
They're asking questions.
I'm sharing things from my live, just experience from my own life.
We get it going.
And I really feel a lot of gratitude because those people saved the day.
Instead of sitting there and being miserable about what was going on, you know, about, well, this guy's up here, you know, you know, dropping erection words into the air, they decided to be like, well, let's get involved and let's, you know, let's change the vibe.
And I was able to be, you know, open enough to change the vibe.
And we kept the energy going.
And for about 30 minutes, we did a Q ⁇ A that was full of laughter and joy.
A lot of the people were senior citizens.
And, you know, I grew up with a senior citizen.
My father was a senior citizen when I was born.
My father born in 1910.
And so suddenly I had this ground to really relate to them on.
And we were all just sharing stories.
and it turned out to be a pretty good experience.
But at first, it was a really bad experience.
I mean, I was sweating, sweating in front of about 100 people in this small church that asked me to come and perform.
And, well, you know, sometimes you get gigs like that.
That's the thing.
You know, I've had gigs where I flew into, you know, Guantanamo Bay and I got to do some shows there one time.
It was, you know, amazing.
And then sometimes you have gigs where you are sweating in front of people at a church and they're coming to your aid.
You know, man.
So that just happened this evening here in Laughlin, Nevada.
Good people.
And one of them started talking about rheumatism during the show.
You know, we're talking to each other because at the end it was cute.
Like I could not tell any more jokes.
I was so afraid to tell any jokes that I was going to really offend someone.
So, and one of the seniors mentioned rheumatism.
And I don't know what rheumatism is.
And I was like, well, is it like when you're in a room and you're really scared?
You know, you're like scared of being in that room.
And they were laughing.
And then I was like, because if it is, that's what I have right now.
I have rheumatism.
Because, man, it was one of the toughest moments I've had in a show.
That's for sure.
What else, man?
Oh, I went to Repticon this weekend.
And Repticon, that's reptiles.
And con men, which are really people, it's not con men.
It's people that sell reptiles, you know, but they're definitely trying to two for one, three for one, you know, throw in a salamander, you know, throw in a swirly frog, you know, throw in a, you know, one of these little Buster Douglas geckos, you know.
I'm like, is that it's real?
Is that a scientific name?
He's like, it's all black.
You know, it's a little bit blue around the eyes.
It's a Buster Douglas gecko.
And I'm like, well, I guess Buster Douglas might have had some different, you know, his unique skin tints, but that seemed like a wild name.
But I got to watch some tarantulas have sex.
And that, that's alarming, dude.
That's alarming.
When you see tarantulas, first thing I noticed about a tarantula was they, if you hold onto a tarantula, you can barely feel it in your hand.
You can barely feel a tarantula.
And it can be sneaking around on your skin and you don't even know.
It can be just kind of bouncing around on your skin and you don't even know.
Like it's looking for Easter candy.
I mean, and dude, there's something about them where you, I mean, it felt like this motherfucker knew me and knew that I had cheated on some of my taxes before.
That's exactly what this thing, the second they kept putting it on me, it would go straight up, try to go straight at my arm like it was going from my heart.
You know, like it was trying to, like it was going to go inside of me or something and see what was going on inside of me.
Very scary.
Very, very scary for me.
You know, them tarantulas or ranches, you know, or chulas.
Some people call them chulas, but I think that that might even be racially offensive to Latinos.
I don't know if it is, but it felt like it was when I was saying it, you know.
Let me get them chulas, you know, and look at these chulas fucking.
Because we got to watch them have sex.
I was down there working for the chive.
I was doing stuff for the chive.
And the chive is a vegetable, you know, that's ditch onions.
But it's also a website where you can look at breasts and pictures of cats and animals and fun stuff like that.
And I was down there doing some work for them.
And we went to Repticon.
And dude, the people that work at these conventions, I don't know if anybody ever been involved in a convention, but the people that work at conventions, dude, is wild.
You know, a lot of them are on, they're drinking, they're on uppers, you know.
You know, they're in the back hitting, you know, balming up their insides with that dust, you know, getting funny on that puff puff.
You know, they're doing it all.
You know, a lot of them are back there just re-spackling their innards with that freaking Kool-Aid powder.
You know what I'm saying?
And that's that shit that'll make you, that'll make a juggernaut that'll make a jug of sugar water, you know, come crashing through your wall, you know?
Kool-Aid Man.
Remember that commercial?
Kool-Aid Man can.
Well, a lot of these people that work at these shows and these, you know, these things are like that.
They do a lot of them on uppers.
So you'd be in the bathroom and these people out there, you know, they're popping little uppers and, you know, quailudes and, you know, buzz saws and freaking whisper bears or whatever they need to get it in their system to stay awake.
You know, that cocaine, you know, that orange juice powder, whatever they're doing.
You know what I'm saying?
That freaking, they're back there snorting, you know, snorting fucking dried up starburst crust and all kinds of shit like that just to make themselves feel get that high.
But then they're out there slanging snakes and reptiles.
Dude, one guy had this little bin, this little rubber made bin, had about 200 baby tarantulas in it.
Think about that.
Dude, they were so little.
Man, look, I was scared.
Like in the beginning, we got there and they had a, you know, had to hold a snake.
And look, I've been around snakes, you know.
When I was growing up, one of my best friends, he was a best friend for a little while, and he was also a real angry boy in our town.
And he used to always go catch snakes because he couldn't say S. So he used to go catch snakes.
And he'd make you go catch snake with him.
And he would get pithed if you didn't go catch snake.
So, dude, he'd be like, come on, man, we're going to get some snakes.
And I did not want to go with this dude, but I did not want to get beaten by him either.
So the fear that I felt as a child having to hunt snakes when I didn't want to be hunting snakes because I didn't even like snakes, okay?
But also the fear was if I didn't hunt for snakes, that I was going to get my ass beat.
And that was scary.
That was scary for me.
That was scary for me.
So I think some of this brought back feelings of that, you know, of hunting faith and all of that.
And just a lot.
It was a lot going on.
But it was a wild weekend for me.
I went and saw Morrissey.
I saw Billy Idol.
I hadn't been to a concert in Los Angeles in a long time, like at the Hollywood Bowl.
They have a huge place you can see a concert.
And I know this show is all over the place right now.
Look, it's just some it's sometimes it's going to be like that.
You know, that's the week.
That's the weekend.
It's midnight right now.
I'm in Laughlin.
You know, and that was the weekend that I had.
But it was a lot of joy too, man.
And you guys hit me with a lot of calls.
I didn't post up the Ari thing this week because there wasn't a lot of interest in it.
And so I don't think we're going to have Ari on anymore.
And that's not a knock to Ari.
I love Ari.
There may be a reason in the future.
But at the time, I think we're just going to keep things kind of like it is.
And I hope to get into some call-ins.
We've got a new producer that's going to be helping me out on Wednesday.
We're going to put out a Thursday episode this week as well.
So I'm really excited about that.
And that's just some of the new stuff that's going on that I wanted to fill you guys in on.
Also, last week we were talking about what's real, right?
And I didn't get to, there was a voicemail that I put up on the Patreon because I'll do after content on the Patreon.
And you can be a part of Patreon if you want, patreon.com slash Theo Von, T-H-E-O-V-O-N.
Every little bit helps, man.
So grateful to the donors, man.
The Gunt Squad, people contributing $10 a month to help out.
It does mean a lot.
We're going to be putting a lot of good stuff on there.
So thank you.
But last week we were talking about what's real, you know, and a caller dropped this call into me, and I always want to play it for you guys so you guys have an idea of, it just kind of put me on a good note.
And I should have played it at the end last week, but I didn't.
Here we go.
Hey, what's up, Theo?
It's Michael from California.
Hey, man, I just asked my girlfriend's father for his permission to ask her to marry me, and he gave me his blessing.
Felt really good, man.
It was one of those times in your life where it's just, you know, asking a father to marry his daughter, that's, wow, man, I'm still thinking about it.
It's like an honor, you know.
It's an honor.
So, man, I'm pumped.
Just got to go find a ring, man.
There you go.
So, yeah, I just wanted to play a little bit of that coffee.
I know we were talking about things that are real.
We talked about friends and family and how that's something that's real.
But just hearing that Michael right there, you know, he went the old-fashioned route.
Hit up the daddy cat, you know?
Because sometimes you got to scratch daddy's back if you want to play with his daughter's breasts, you know?
And we all know that.
And nothing any different from Michael there making that move.
Congratulations, Michael.
You know, that you got the dad's permission.
Now you're halfway there.
You know?
It's like you made the first, you know, you hit the warp zone.
Now you just got to get up in the castle and beat Big Bowser.
You know, you got to get that lady to be on time with you.
And you're going to get that ring for her.
And that's beautiful, man.
That's beautiful.
Congratulations.
It's been a good week.
It's been a good week for me.
Everything's still cruising along.
What else did I do this weekend?
I went, let me see, I went to Repticon.
I went to the Morrissey.
Did some shows.
Had a nice conversation with Kevin Nealon.
Kevin Nealon at the comedy store.
You remember him from SNL?
Sweetest man.
I mean, just a nice guy to be around.
A gentle soul.
That was good.
And what else, man?
Been struggling with the, you know, the masty, personally, dude.
I thought things was going to be swelling.
Usually, my masturbation flares up in the winter.
You know, my masturbation flares up in the winter.
And I don't know why.
I don't know if it's just, I don't know if there's more full moons in the winter or if there's more, you know, stray animals.
A lot of animals that run away from home run away from home in the winter time.
And I know that's, you know, everybody pretty much knows that, but I think there's something innate in a man, you know, when these animals are out and about and you're still, you know, that makes us growl.
That makes us want to just puff out our chest and just touch ourselves.
You know, and I guess that's something that was going on for me, man.
I've just been struggling with it.
And, you know, I know for some people it's not a struggle, but for me, it is, man.
When I get home and I got zero plans to masturbate, you know, to touch myself or to pleasure myself.
And then, you know, three minutes and 40 seconds later, I find myself just waddling towards the restroom with my pants at my ankles, you know?
And I got the Lord's, you know, I got the Lord's, you know, cinnamon drippings on the outside of my hands, you know, from doing dirty works to myself.
It just makes me, you know, it's just not something that I want to be doing regularly.
I mean, I'm trying to do, to be honest, I'm trying to not do it for a while.
That's the thing.
You know, I'd be okay with masturbating or doing touchy if I hadn't, if I could take a break from doing it.
But it's hard to quit, dude.
It's hard to quit touching yourself.
You know, I don't know.
I mean, what are they, I feel like sometimes I feel like my dick has cigarettes in it.
You know, because I don't know.
I mean, there's nothing that's harder.
I don't know anything harder to quit.
You know, or to just take a break from.
And I don't want to have to get a sponsor or somebody that, you know, watches me at night.
That's crazy.
But I'm thinking about it.
I'd be lying to you if I didn't say I was thinking about paying someone to watch me at night for two hours, pay them 50 bucks an hour just for, you know, 20 days or something to, and I know you're like, well, that's a thousand bucks.
Yeah, it is.
But it also will be 20 days of assurance where daddy, you know, ain't being all naughty with himself, you know, and ain't just, you know, and ain't just making that firewater fly out of himself, you know, for no real reason.
I mean, it's just, I don't know.
I'm going to quit talking about it because I don't want to think down about myself and have too much shame, but that's where I'm at, man.
That's what's been going on.
I got a lot of response from the Fighter and the Kid podcast.
I did it.
If you didn't get a chance to hear it, go check it out.
That's with myself and Brian Callan and Brendan Schaub.
I had a good time on there.
And then I had a caller that gave a response to that, to my appearance on there and a discussion that happened on there.
And I want to check that in right now.
Here we go.
Sir, what's going on, man?
It's Pat from Mobile, Alabama.
That's my boy Pat from Mobile.
And Pat only has one leg.
You know?
He only has one leg, dude.
Think about something that only has one leg.
You know?
Think about something.
That's Pat.
Onward.
You know, still fucking hating the hair, bro.
But, you know, you just got to be better, man.
look in the mirror and say, I'm going to be better.
But I wanted to say, though, you...
People with one legs shouldn't throw stones, dude.
You ever heard that?
You know?
Yeah, I got bad hair, dude.
You know, I know it.
It's humbling.
You know, and if anybody should know about humbling, it's you, my brother.
And I respect what you do.
You know, I know you got, you know, you ain't all limbed up like a lot of people.
And a lot of people are taking the easy way out.
I know it.
I know sometimes when I'm standing up on both of my fucking legs that I'm kind of a pussy.
You know, I think about that sometimes.
Sometimes when I'm standing on my legs, I'm thinking, well, damn, Pat's out there on one leg doing the same thing I'm doing.
You know, aren't I taking the easy way out?
And I recognize that, man.
You know, we all have our things, you know, and I got the hair.
It's humbling.
So I respect your humble game by showing up, you know, with three limbs.
So just respect mine, man.
I know it's nasty.
Dude, I know I look like somebody that sells fucking indoor waterfalls in Tennessee, you know.
I know I look like somebody that models land.
You know, I look like a supermodel at a fucking swap meet.
I know I look bad, dude.
You know?
I know I look like the dude that always farted.
You know?
That's what this haircut does, brother.
When you show up with this haircut, you are the dude that farted.
Doesn't matter.
But onward, Patrick, I do appreciate your call, man, and I love you, and I appreciate you calling down there from Mobile, Alabama.
I got a beautiful half-sister and her family live over there near Spanish Fort.
Onward.
You said you never been around a black man who's been nervous on the fighter and the kid.
That's true.
Well, we had a discussion on the fighter and the kid the other day, and I actually had the same discussion with my buddy James the other day, where do black people get nervous?
You know?
And that's an I mean, I know we all have nerves in our body, but when I think back in my life, I can't ever think of a black friend of mine telling me he's nervous.
You know?
I'm like, Jesus, Christmas.
Like, that must be awesome.
Imagine not getting nervous.
Like, it makes me think maybe that could be one of the reasons why a lot of black guys are better at basketball.
Because every time I got the ball, I'm nervous as fuck.
Imagine having no nerves and just being able to rely on your abilities.
You know, in any case, approaching women, my black buddies always better at approaching women.
Or I would say 90% of the time better at approaching women.
And I just can, I can't think of a, do black guys get nervous?
You know, and that's a call-in.
We can put that at a call in for this coming week.
And this isn't a, I'm not thinking, if you're taking this as a racial, I'm not making fun.
This isn't, it'd be just like asking, you know, trying to think up an idea about any ethnicity or any type of gender, you know, whatever.
You know, do black people get nervous?
And I'm going to talk to some black friends of mine as well and have them comment on this because I want to know.
I want to get to the bottom of this.
But that's what the conversation was on the fighter and the kid.
And that's what Pat is calling about here.
Pat, let's hear a little bit more.
And I got to tell you, man, there's two things that black gentlemen get nervous about, man.
One are court sentences.
You look at a black man's face during a court sentence, motherfucker, they're sweating goddamn bullets.
That's a good point, dude.
That might be true.
Wow, that's true, huh?
That's pretty true, dude.
Unless it's like, you know, somebody who's like thugging or fronting, which no matter what color or ethnicity you are, then those dudes are always kind of like just being hard.
But otherwise, I guess maybe that isn't.
That's an example of when black guys get nervous, okay?
Onward.
Okay.
I'm telling you, man, don't go to Judge Judy.
Go to the fucking C-SPAN type television.
Like, you know what I mean?
Like, the real boring shit where he's got an old-ass judge.
So that's one thing they get fucking nervous about.
Court sentences.
Number two, fucking paternity tests.
Man, I had so many shit people I know sweating fucking over hoping that DNA, man, I know dudes who tried to fucking put bleach in like the little swab joint.
You know, you got a swab for the DNA and shit.
Man, they tried to put bleach on that bitch just so that that DNA test comes out all types of fucked up.
Wow.
So Pat knows some guys down there in South Alabama who are trying to bleach their way off of children's birth certificates, you know, by disenfranchising the test that women take.
That vaginal swab factor that lets us know if there's even a baby, I guess.
Damn, that's gangsta.
But that's two good examples.
That's two good examples, Pat.
I appreciate that.
And if you guys have an example out there, if you think, that's a good question.
You know, there's just some innate differences between people, you know, in ethnicities and genders, of course.
But I remember the first time I noticed a real like intrinsic, or I don't know if intrinsic's the word, but a difference one time between me and a black gentleman.
They had this boy in our town named Boo Boo Tyson, and his brother had set his leg on fire, and They used to call him Ashy because his leg was ashed up.
And Boo Boo had the nicest smile in town, man.
We played basketball together for a few years.
We went to school together for a few years.
Kind of like the town mascot.
I don't think there was a person in town that didn't love Boo Boo Tyson.
And Boo Boo Tyson, you know, he had that leg was a little bit crisped up.
So one of his legs was a little bit leaner than his other leg because it had been crisped.
It had been crisped in a fire.
And so Boo-Boo was constantly carrying, you know, different type of lotion, you know, or things you would put on horses, stuff like that, heavy lotion, intense lotion.
You know, stuff you would pack that they packed ball bearings in on a car tire, like really, real ass lubricants, you know.
I mean, this dude would crack open a Ziploc bag full of, you know, shit that they used on the damn NASA space jet, you know, you know, things that could really, I mean, you could slick your hair back for the, you know, for probably about half a decade with some of this pomade, some of this heavy, heavy, heavy grip and heavy softener this boy carried.
And he would polish that up into his leg.
You know, and this reminds me actually of, you know, my step-grandfather D'Artagnan.
And I talked about it last week when he would let us, you know, put lotion into his legs.
But anyhow, Boo-Boo Tyson had that magic leg by us, and he used to ash that thing up, and he used to put special, you know, special salves and softeners on his leg to, you know, keep the fire, you know, the afflictions of that fire out of his leg and away from everybody.
I can't remember what I was talking about there.
What were we talking about?
Well, I know Patty called in and said that he had, you know, that people had different issues.
What else happened?
Man, my brain's a little slow tonight, guys.
It's midnight.
Usually I try to get in a little record a little earlier, but I had to drive here to Laughlin today.
What were we talking about?
Boo-boo Tyson.
Oh, well, here's the time that I noticed when Boo-Boo Tyson and Boo-Boo Tyson introduced me to one of the most unique moments that I ever had with a young black man.
One of the first most unique moments I ever had with a young black man was we were riding in the back of the truck.
You know, our basketball coach, Coach Steve, who, you know, he was a unique man.
And he was driving us out somewhere to do some work down.
You know, we're both in the back of the truck and he drove us about 60 miles an hour, probably about 15 minutes.
And he comes to a stop sign out in the country.
And we stop.
And Boo-Boo and I just couldn't even be able to talk because the wind had been going by so fast.
We're just sitting in the back of an open truck.
And Boo Boo looks over at me and he said, man, what's it like to have your hair blow in the wind?
And that for me was one of the first times that I was ever like, wow, you know, Boo-Boo, he's never going to probably know what that's like.
You know, like not the same way I will.
And so I just said, you know, I said, well, what's it like to not have your hair blow in the wind?
You know, that was my, you know, my answer, really, and also just a question to kind of, you know, to keep the conversation or just to make it, I don't know, just a retort that I had.
That was my retort.
But it was interesting because I'd never thought about that before.
And that was one of the first times that I was like, oh, wow, you know, there's just some people, some people will have different experiences.
As simple as something to have your hair blow in the wind that Boo Boo Tyson would never know about it.
And at the time, I couldn't think of any of my black friends that would, you know, or any black kids even in my town that had long hair.
Because at this time, the only person that I knew that had a Jerry Carol type haircut was Raleigh Coleman, who was the vice principal at my school, at my junior high school, and who also used to sleep in the trunk of his car around lunchtime.
And that was wild why he did that.
And that could have been issues from birth or maybe he got, you know, he didn't want to be, you know, he missed the womb or something.
I don't know.
But anyhow, so that was an interesting experience I had early on.
But do black guys get nervous?
Do black guys get nervous?
If they don't, teach me how, because most of my life is anxiety.
But when I really think about it, I personally cannot think of a time that a black friend of mine ever, ever said to me, man, I'm nervous.
Can you?
If you can, tell me, man, hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
And we don't need anything, you know, nothing racial or jarring like that.
I'm not looking for anything like that, but I am looking for just some unique experiences.
Or if you had a unique experience that showed you a difference between you and another ethnicity, something that was like unique, you know, that really gave you a perspective, you know, that adjusted your perspective or gave you a perspective a little bit.
I'd love to know more.
All right, let's move into another call that came in.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, this is Fausta speaking from Brazil.
Fausta from Brazil, man.
And, you know, it's amazing.
I've had a young lady call from Saudi Arabia.
I've had people from Ireland call from Britain.
And the British, we beat the British.
And here we are, Fausta from Brazil.
Onward.
I just want to say that I'm a big fan.
I first saw you on Joe Rogan podcast, and ever since I watch every past weekend show.
Thanks, Fausta.
I appreciate that, man.
Dude, I saw Joe the other night in the hallway at the comedy store, and I got a little bit nervous around him.
Sometimes I just get nervous around people, if I know him or not.
And he had so many, like a lot of fans were going up to him, and people love him.
It's almost like for some people getting to meet, it's almost for some people, it seems like they're getting to see a, I don't know, it's obviously like a celebrity to some people, but there's something else more than that.
It's like they get to see a little bit of a guru or a family member that they haven't met or something.
I don't know.
There's something unique about it, the way that his fans like him.
And I got kind of touched by it just watching that.
it's nice to see people not enamored.
I mean, there's that aspect, but there was something else.
It's like they get to meet a little bit of a teacher that they, you know, it's like as if somebody dug up Aristotle and was bringing his, you know, and they, you know, attached some muscles and tendons and blood and everything to his bones and got him clicking again.
And then people showed up and like, you know, we're meeting him.
There was some excitement in the air.
So, but yeah, some of my, you know, anyway, I don't know what I'm talking about.
Let's hear a little bit more.
Fausta from Brazil.
And I think it's awesome.
He seems to be a pretty cool guy.
And I'm just calling to say that it's a beautiful day here in Brazil today.
It's Sunday noon, and I'm watching your podcast.
And I'm just thought about calling.
I'm 38 years old, single photographer here in Sao Paulo, big city.
And I'm just about to do some mushrooms today because it's a beautiful day.
I do that every once in a while.
Cool, Fausta.
Well, look, man, I appreciate it.
You know, I just want to play that call because it was from abroad, just to let you guys know that we got other people who are tuning into all of us and that that's pretty cool.
Thank you, Fausta.
Get them shrooms in you, bruh.
Get your vision cracked out.
You know?
Oh, man, I missed that.
That's one thing I miss, bruh.
It's sprinkling those indecencies, bruh.
You know, just man, when you took on shrooms, you know, life was like an eight box of crayons, but when you had them shrooms in your dome, suddenly, boy, you was running on that big kit, that big 64. You know, and that's one thing I miss and love about them mushrooms, bruh.
Just treating yourself with that fungus, you know, getting that fungi ungie up in your jungie jungie, bruh.
Up in your brain jungle, you know, up in your thought penitentiary.
Dude, man, there was nothing better than watching your eyes drip out of your skull in a bathroom mirror at a stranger's apartment.
And then coming out of the bathroom and realizing it wasn't a stranger's apartment.
It was your apartment.
Man, that's one thing I miss about mushrooms, dude.
Going out in the field and picking them.
You know, I saw one kid eat something one time in a field.
It wasn't even a mushroom.
It was something that had a pig had coughed up and he got fucking sick and had to go to the hospital for about three weeks.
But you know what?
Fuck him, man.
You know, if you're out eating mushrooms and you're eating other shit off the ground, dude, you're an idiot.
You know, sometimes people are just an idiot.
You know?
What else is going on, man?
There's a lot of stuff happening with...
With...
Let me take one more call here that came in.
Here we go.
What's going on, CO, Master Ty?
Ryan from Pittsburgh here.
Ryan from Pittsburgh, man.
I got Pink Eye one time up there in the Monongahela.
And I got a blowjob up there behind the Giant Eagle, behind a chain grocer.
And all a giant eagle is, it's just a Kroger in disguise.
That's all that is.
But I got a beautiful blowjob up there one time.
And I got Pink Eye.
And onward.
Fucking take this job, man.
I up and quit in the beginning of the week at my old job.
So I started with no money.
So, I mean, it's been a week at this new place.
I'm paying for gas with change.
I don't know if you know anything about paying for gas with change, but it's an embarrassing act that I've been forced to have to do almost every day.
But I'm listening to you talk about lotion on this fucking old dude's leg and thick water.
And I just, you know, it immediately pulled me out of my bunk, dude.
Thank you, man.
I appreciate it.
Yeah, there's no better way to get to know a grandparent than by putting, or even a step-grandparent than by putting lotion on their body in a non-perverse way.
And if you think I'm crazy, go do that.
You know, you may have an association with your grandparent now.
Go put lotion on their arms or legs.
You know?
Show them some tender love and some tender care that's nonsensual.
And let's see how much better you know them.
But I appreciate it, man.
I appreciate it.
I'm glad that we can make you laugh and not be thinking about paying for gas with change.
I've been there.
I'm not there today.
Thank God.
I might be there again, but I'm not there today.
But I have been there.
And I commend you for getting up, getting your gas, and getting where you need to go, getting to work.
It sounds like that's what you're doing.
So I appreciate that call.
Let's hear another call here.
Here we go, and then we're going to get into some of this other conversation.
The Louis C.K. issue is hot right now in Los Angeles.
You know, it's hot.
And, you know, Louie's been stripped apparently of a lot of his, you know, a lot of his opportunity.
He came out with a statement.
You know, Louis C.K., a famous comedian, was accused of, you know, I think there's five instances in the article that I've read so far.
There may be new stuff.
I don't know.
There are five instances of sexual indecency.
And that's just a, you know, I don't know the exact term.
That's a term I'm using.
But, you know, there's five instances where he asked people if he could jerk off in front of them.
One of them said no, and he didn't.
And then other people were like, or didn't say anything or laughed and he kept going.
And that's a wild thing, man.
You know, to be jerking off in front of somebody is brave.
You know, it's brave.
But also, to be sitting watching somebody jerk off is, I mean, you know, to jerk off somebody in front of in front of somebody is, you know, it's messed up.
It's ballsy.
It's fucked up.
If they don't want it, if you're looking at them and you can tell they do not want that and you're continuing to do that, that's messed up.
You know, that's messed up.
Also, to sit there and watch somebody jerk Off when you don't want to be is kind of messed up, you know.
Like, leave the fucking room, you know, like leave the room.
Somebody's jerking off, dude.
I'm out.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, knock, knock, who's there?
Not me.
You know, I'm leaving.
And I can, you know, I know there's some traumatizing instances and stuff.
But if somebody's not blocking the door, adios, bro.
And that's Spanish for, I'm not watching you jerk off.
You know, I'm out of here.
But that's big out here in Los Angeles right now.
And a lot of men are afraid to, you know, to speak anything right now.
A lot of men are, you know, just scared.
It definitely feels like a witch hunt in Los Angeles.
It feels, I mean, any instances of, there's instances of like, you know, of just a man looked at me this way or a man, you know, a few years ago, a man said something kind of, you know, rude or, I mean, it's just, it's baffling.
It's baffling and it's scary.
And I think a lot of the country probably is like, you know, you know, this is fucked up, whatever.
A lot of people probably read the Louis story in the Louis article and were like, eh, you know, yeah, it's fucked up, but it just seems like a, you know, kind of a fucked up dude, kind of a pervy dude.
I'm not surprised.
I mean, you know, dudes can be pervy, you know?
And I'm not making excuses.
I'm just, I'm just, I guess I'm just, you know, I'm just like, some of it feels, well, here's what I think is going to happen.
I think in three years, Louis is going to have one of the biggest comedy tours ever.
I was at the comedy store last night, and Neil Brennan is on stage, and he asked the crowd, you know, if Louis was performing in the next room right now, would you guys pay to go see him?
And 95% of the crowd clapped, like cheered.
I mean, I think one unique thing about Louis being involved in this scenario is that he's such a he's so good at figuring out his own thoughts and making them into relatable conversation or even conversation.
Maybe the conversation isn't always relatable, but the humor and the conversation that he uses is revealing.
And I think that it's going to be, I think that at least by him being involved in this, you'll be able to get, I mean, he's going to come back with one of the best hours of comedy ever.
And of course, the industry has to distance themselves from him, the Hollywood industry and stuff like that, because they're all tied to advertisers and that sort of deal.
But it's just gotten, I think it's gotten to the point, some stuff, where some of this is just like, when does, you know, how, I don't know.
You know, I guess I don't know what some of my thoughts are, man.
But it just seems, it's just, I mean, it's definitely scary.
It's scary in L.A. right now because there's, I mean, accusations just fly up on Facebook every other day.
And you have no, if you didn't do anything as a man and you get accused, that can be your ass.
That can be your ass.
It doesn't even matter.
You know, there's a governor in Alabama or some man that's running, and there's accusations against him of pedophilia.
And obviously, not good, not cool.
But with this day and age, who knows if somebody didn't just make someone say something or have, you know, find some person to say something to ruin a presidential election.
It's like, you just don't know.
I mean, we can't just go on accusations.
And I'm not specifying on the, you know, the guy from Alabama or whatever, Roy Moore, but we just can't go on accusations.
If we do, it's just like we're turning in, it's just going to turn into a witch hunt.
And I guess it's scary for me because I'm a man, you know, and we seem to be what's most popularly being hunted right now.
And I don't think that's everywhere, but I do think that it's certainly like in a lot of liberal circles, you know?
And it's scary.
And it's certainly by like a lot.
It's just, it's scary, bro.
It's scary.
Let me take this call right here.
Here we go.
Dio, what's going on, Pimpin?
It's your boy Aaron.
I'm from the greater Toronto area out there in Ontario, Canada.
I just wanted to get your thoughts on a little situation.
So basically, a girl from my past reached out to me.
I used to talk to her in high school.
So she always had a boyfriend, so I never had a shot.
Okay, so a girl from high school, she always had a boyfriend.
You never had a shot onward?
And she recently just reconnected with me.
She reached out.
She messaged me on some social media outlet.
And we've been talking and hanging out, and things are getting kind of close.
And she tells me she has a boyfriend.
She's been seeing him for five years, but that there are relationships on the rocks.
So I don't know what to do here.
I don't know how to handle this situation because I really care about this.
Okay.
So, I mean, just even listening to your own call right there, man, you're saying that there's this girl.
She's always had a boyfriend, so she wasn't available.
And then, you know, and I appreciate your call, man.
And then you go on to say, and now she still has a boyfriend, and it seems like she's still not available.
Here's what I would do.
I would put your hat in the ring.
I would say, look, this is what I would like.
And if she can do that, then do that and move on, you know, and move forward with her.
You know, I'd say, look, I'd like to date you, you know.
But I think getting involved in this, but, you know, if she's got both boyfriends, she got, it just, it's not going to be good.
It's not going to end well for anybody, you know, and that could ruin your chance of being with her.
But you're saying she had a boyfriend, she wasn't available, and now she still has a boyfriend.
So she's still really not available, you know?
And if you start off in that environment, you know, you could, and then one day she leaves you for some other dude.
You couldn't be that shocked, you know, if that's how it started this way.
But I put your put your thoughts in.
Say, hey, look, this is how I feel.
You know, this is what I want.
If you're really into her.
Now, if you're just trying to get a little bit of a Zoom Zoom, then, you know, take her to some coffee and keep feeling that out.
See where you guys are.
But if you really want to ride the open road and get that long-term vroom going with her, then maybe you just let her know how you feel and then take a step back.
Let her figure it out.
But look, it depends on how much of your time you want to waste.
That's what I think.
For me, that's what it would.
But I appreciate your call, man.
Let's take another call right here.
And this was a little bit more about what's going on with kind of men and some of their thoughts and stuff these days.
Onward.
Howdy, Theo.
This is your buddy Dylan Green from up in the Pacific Northwest, Bellingham, Washington.
Dirty Dylan Green from Billingham.
Onward, Dylan.
Called a couple times.
Love your podcast.
Love listening to what you've got to say.
You've been promoting this thing that you're doing that has to do with things concerning men and masculinity and how your listeners may feel as men and how we're treated and communicated with in America.
Well, yeah, I mean, we're in a tough time.
I mean, we're certainly in a tough time, dude.
Especially, I mean, like in Los Angeles, it is hell.
It's hell, man.
I mean, I'm afraid to even jerk off with my cat in the room, you know, and I don't even have a cat.
You know, I do not even have a cat.
But if I did, I'd be afraid.
You know, it's just a scary time out here.
Now, I think in a lot of America, it's not like that.
A lot of America, people are still, like, actually living and things are making sense.
You know, I mean, you know, people are hunting Louis C.K. from 2005.
He wasn't even a celebrity then.
I mean, he was, you know, he was a good comedian, but he wasn't the Louis C.K. that we have today.
You know?
So, I mean, people are witch hunting for sure.
You know, some busted comedians, you know, but I'm not saying we've made him right, but it's like people are looking through things to witch hunt, you know?
And maybe the guy's a twisted dude.
Maybe he's sick.
I mean, I think if you were asking people to jerk off and you're, you know, I mean, that's fucking just bizarre.
I don't know, man.
I mean, when I was young, my uncle would show everybody his dick sometimes, dude.
We thought he was our uncle.
We didn't think he was a fuck.
We thought he was a little bit pervy.
But we didn't think he was a sick human.
We thought he was our uncle.
You know?
But these people act like they've never seen a fucking dick in the universe.
You know, like, you know, like Louis broke out of a sack of kryptonite.
You know?
I mean, leave the fucking room as well.
You know?
I mean, I just don't like to the point where sometimes people are, you know, so it just like you're so affected because of what?
Like, have you ever been around in the world where there's dicks around?
Leave.
You know, some of it's just bizarre to me.
But let's hear more what you have to say, man.
And I'm in a little bit of a rough mood.
It's midnight tonight, guys, and I know I should have gotten this done earlier, but I had to be on the road.
But I am happy to be here with you guys.
I'm just a little bit tired.
Let's hear more.
So up here in the Pacific Northwest, man, we've got a lot of pretty heavy liberal politics, which a lot of that I can get down with.
But, man, I've been around a lot of these women, and I used to work in an office of nine women.
I was the only male.
And just hearing these things from them of saying that the world just hates women, that the world is always out to get down to women.
And when they say the world, it's kind of like their way of saying, well, men are just out to get us.
And the world is setting these precedents for beauty and how we're supposed to look.
And meanwhile, I'm sitting back and thinking to myself, me and my buddies, we love women.
Yeah, look, I appreciate it.
And the world is set.
Yeah, and they're like, the world is setting this precedent for how women are supposed to look.
Men aren't setting that precedent.
Whoever owns the media is who's setting the precedent.
These magazines, you know, they're not hiring.
Look, I'll tell you this, dude.
Attractive people are still getting most of the work in Los Angeles, you know?
Like, you know, they'll be like, oh, well, you know, Hollywood and the magazine industry, stuff like that, you know, like media, they can be like, well, you know, everybody should look however they want and everyone's beautiful and this and that.
But then they're only taking mostly the prettiest, you know?
They ain't picking up the ugliest people and giving them work.
98% of the time, that's not what they're doing.
You know, so I mean, I agree.
It's bizarre.
It's like, you know, the people that are making that message are the same people that are then coming back and saying, who's making this message?
You know, it's the same people.
Most normal people who aren't involved in that bullshit circle don't give a fuck.
You know, if you have a wife or a sister, you want them to feel good about the way that they look, no matter how they look.
You know, most of us in the world are eights or sevens.
You know, that's how we look.
You know, and we're okay and we fucking deal with it.
You know, it's easy for some beautiful person to be like, people, everyone's beautiful.
No, everyone's not.
Most of us are eights and sevens.
You're fucking beautiful.
You know, won't you come down here to eight or sevenville?
You know, and then see, see what's cracker jacking onward.
Each and every one of us, we respect them.
We enjoy their company.
We're all seeking, for myself and my buddies who are single guys, we're seeking quality, authentic relationships with women.
And none of us are telling these chicks what to wear or what to dress or how to dress.
It's an interesting concept.
And I sometimes wonder if some of these standards are really actually not created by men at all, but created by the expectations that women put on themselves and the way that they communicate with each other.
You know, it's interesting, man.
It's a really good point.
And it's really well said, too.
I mean, I wish sometimes that I was able to as clearly articulate some of my thoughts and feelings as you just did there.
Yeah, a lot of times it's, you know, it's not men that are making these demands or demanding anything.
I mean, if anything, we just want to be able to fucking be alive these days.
You know, there's certainly this witch hunt in the mainstream media where men are bad, you know, and especially white men, you know, even though most of us didn't do shit, you know, it's a tough time, man.
It's a tough time to be a man, and it's a tough time to speak up about being a man, you know, in a world where you're supposed to be able to say, oh, you know, be free, speak your mind, say your truth.
Bullshit, you know, bullshit.
Some dude tweeted earlier today.
I cannot even believe this, right?
My buddy sent me this on a text chain, right?
This was a tweet by a guy, okay?
I'm not even sure who tweeted it, but this was the tweet.
Things I love to do to women, listen to them, believe them, support them, hire them, be their friend if they want, share their perspective, tweet nice things about them, amplify their voices, thank them, love them, in parentheses, how they want to be loved.
Yeah, bro.
You know?
Yeah, that's true.
Those are all things that we want to do for women, but that just sounds like such fucking pandering.
Like, that's what you're doing every day?
Well, you know, what the fuck, dude?
You know, are you doing anything for yourself?
You sound like a butler.
You know, that's a thing these days.
It's tough.
It's weird.
It's interesting, though.
But it's also interesting.
You know, it's interesting.
Because, I mean, women have been, you know, they have been looked down upon and thought of as a lesser sex for a long time.
And I think that there needs to be some adjustment there.
And I think this could be that correction period.
You know, and I hope that it is.
But I don't hope that comedy gets ruined because of this.
And my hopes are that we can still joke, you know, and know what is a joke and know what isn't.
That's one thing that I hope.
But I appreciate that call, man.
That's a lot of thoughts.
And if some of you guys have thoughts on that as well, hit me up.
I'd love to hear a little bit more on that.
Or do you feel scared to be a man right now?
Do you feel like a lot of these issues that are created out there and a lot of these views of women are created more by women and then they are actually by men?
It's like women are just fighting these, are playing both sides of the net.
Do you?
What do you think?
Or have men just been, you know, because it's tough.
The tough thing is if you're not a bad dude, if you're not a bad dude, then this doesn't apply to you.
But the problem is some of these things are so blanket, they make it feel like it applies to everyone.
And I know I'm all over the place tonight, man.
I don't even think I'm being fucking funny, dude.
Sorry.
We're going to take one more call here and then we're going to shut it down.
My name is Chris.
I'm from North Carolina.
I really relate to your comedy.
I'd like to think of myself as a bit of a southern gentleman, not quite with an exquisite accent as yours, but I do love listening to you speak.
Well, you got a nice accent there too, brother.
You got a real handsome tongue in your head.
Onward?
I have some problems with things, drugs and whatnot.
I use marijuana as an agent to combat these things, and I was just kind of wondering how you feel.
In North Carolina, it's illegal to use marijuana, but in California, it's medicine.
How do you feel about that being something to help you get off alcohol and other things that aren't good for you?
Well, for me, I don't use marijuana.
I don't use anything.
Does it suck?
Yeah.
I want to crack my brain open sometimes, dude, and eat the rib meat off of my fucking thought spheres.
For sure.
I want to bust open my damn fucking brain stem, you know, and lick that rib meat off them thought sickles that are hanging out from the inside of my cranium.
But I don't, you know, when I have a, you know, so when I'm stressed or whatever, I just have to deal with it.
I got to deal with my own thoughts.
I have to deal with my own feelings.
You know, and for me, that's what I need.
Because the easiest thing for me to do is to hide from my issues.
Man, my brain, whatever is inside of me, the problem that is inside of me, whatever it is, it is lazy and it is manipulative.
It will manipulate me.
And if I have a problem, instead of dealing with it or thinking through it or feeling through it, my brain will be like, oh, yeah, whatever, have a beer, you know, have a, go do this, go do that, go to bed, take a nap, jerk off, look at porn, watch sport, do something.
You know, don't, don't solve whatever this little thing is.
Don't try and figure it out.
Don't try to get help for yourself.
You know, so for me, I don't use marijuana.
You know, I'm not saying I never will.
I'm not saying I'll always be this way.
But for now, you know, I'm trying to live life on life's terms, man.
I'm trying to look life straight in the eye when I have an issue.
Now, you can't use it in North Carolina legally.
People can in California legally.
And I think it'll be legal everywhere in a couple of years.
So if you want it, you're going to have it.
But I think that this is a time when a lot of men, when it's, this is a critical time, I believe, that when it comes to, you know, instead of grabbing a beer or grabbing a joint or a whip of coat, you know, hitting one of them sheep tails, you know, putting that fluffer nutter up your fucking face hole, I think it's time to sit and think, sit and feel, sit there.
Why am I pit?
What's going on?
What's got me, you know, and figure it out.
Get to the other side of it, you know, so that that way, you know, if you are having a drink, having a joy, it's not reactionary.
And it's something you just want to do because you want to do it.
Because that was my problem.
I get reactionary.
So I'm not a big proponent of that.
I don't think there's anything wrong with it.
If you're high as fuck right now, I don't give a fuck.
I was over at Coco Diaz's podcast the other day.
He's smoking weed in there.
I don't care.
I'll love that man to the end of the earth.
You know, I don't care what anybody else does, but I'm just saying for me, that's what I do for now.
But it's up to you, man.
You know, it's up to you.
You know, but for me, I'll find too many excuses.
If I use other stuff right now, I'll find too many excuses.
And right now, I need to make less excuses for myself, and I need to at least work towards having a little bit more knowledge about what's going on inside of my thoughts and feelings and why I behave the way that I do so that I can be on top of my behaviors and be a step ahead of them at times.
Because a lot of times my behaviors are reactionary.
And they're not my first behaviors.
Sometimes the first choice that whatever's wrong inside of me wants to make isn't always the best choice for me.
So I need to be aware and be there.
I'm going to take one more call here from this guy.
He called in a couple weeks ago, and I really related to this call.
And then we're going to get out of here.
I just want to I want to get his thoughts out here.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, this is Chris.
I emailed you earlier, said that I'm dealing with some stuff.
So I'm going to do my best to explain what's going on.
So basically, I'm kind of like you, you know, like real similar upbringing, didn't really have like a dad around, kind of had like a mean mom.
Thanks for calling, Chris.
Thanks for sharing.
Let's hear more.
So about like my feelings or whatever, how to talk to girls, basically how to express my feelings towards girls.
Man, that was the bane of my existence.
I didn't realize it until recently that that was what caused a lot of my issues, but is that I couldn't, I just couldn't rely.
I couldn't, I was afraid to talk to women.
And that fear just resonated inside of me.
Let's hear more.
I always kind of had like a nice.
She was running around with my friends after that.
Okay, so you had a girlfriend.
She was too nice, but then she you were too nice.
And she started running around with your friends.
Let's hear more.
And that kind of like made me want to change myself.
So I started to try to be a little bit more edgy, started drinking, started smoking, started partying.
And that worked.
You know, I got a little bit more popular, but it didn't really help with girls.
I mean, you know, most of the time I would end up like sleeping in the bushes or something like that instead of, you know, getting a girl.
Yeah, so you weren't getting the girls, so you started being a certain way.
Oh, I need to drink more.
I need to, you know, use drugs or do something, but to get the girls.
Yep, that's most dudes.
So that's okay.
But yeah, I was exactly that way, man.
I didn't know who I was.
So I just knew that whatever I was wasn't okay because women didn't like me.
And the main reason that I felt that way was because probably, in hindsight, I felt like somewhere inside of me, I felt like my mother didn't really like me, probably.
And I know that's a big jump for some people listening to this, but that's, you know, as I learned more about myself, I realized that I never, you know, that if I thought my mother didn't like me, you know, and I didn't feel that relationship with her, then I didn't really know how to relate to women.
Because that's your first relationship for a young man.
And if my relationship with her was kind of damaged, then, you know, my relationship with all women was probably going to be at least, you know, off to a rocky start because I didn't know even how to begin one.
So once women weren't recognizing me well or wasn't working, then, yeah, of course you adjusted yourself.
You party.
Now you smoke and you laying in the bushes.
You live in life.
Let's hear more.
To come home with me.
And that just kept escalating.
And my mother wasn't having it.
She ended up kicking me out the house.
After that, I ended up living in a shed for about six months.
And that's when things really got dark.
And this is kind of a tough call to hear, I'm sure, on a Monday or whatever.
Some of you guys are still, if you guys are listening to the episode.
But this is life, man.
And this is what's going on.
And Chris called about 10 days ago.
And this call really meant a lot to me because I could relate to this a lot, Chris.
I could relate to a lot of the things you're sharing because I felt a lot of these same ways.
You know, I didn't, all I wanted to do was feel the affections of a woman somehow.
And not even sexual.
I just wanted a woman to think that I was okay.
Because for some reason, when I was a kid, something, I don't know what happened.
I don't know.
It was before I was even able to know what was going on.
I felt like my mother, our connection was not good.
And I felt somewhere like I was not okay.
She didn't think I was okay.
Something was not okay.
She did not accept me.
I felt unaccepted by her.
So immediately then every other woman I immediately meet, I already feel unaccepted by them.
So then I change myself.
I start being different ways, acting outlandish, acting this way, being loud, being goofy, whatever, something, something to alter that interaction.
Something to try any code I could to crack this comfortability with women and make it feel more comfortable.
And then, yeah, and my mom and I's relationship, of course, was never really getting strong.
I got emancipated.
I went out and was living with friends.
Thankfully, I didn't have to live in a shed.
You know, I was pretty blessed that I had some good friends and different families that took me in.
But let's hear more about your story.
I'm just saying it's right alongside.
Let's go.
You know, I had always kind of been like a little bit depressed because, you know, I didn't really have like a person in my life.
Like, I was alone, basically.
So when I was in that shed, things got real dark.
You know, I would just stay up all night doing drugs and porn probably four times a day, maybe more than that.
Jeepers, dude.
If I have to watch porn twice in a day, I feel horrible.
I don't even do it.
But I'm a one-trick pony anyway when it comes to sensuality, whether I'm doing self-pleasure or actual sex.
If I'm doing sex, let's hear more.
And that went on for like six months.
And this was a year ago.
But yeah, man, so I got like some dysfunction going on with me.
And the crazy thing is is that like in order to heal myself and to get better, to do is to get out there and meet somebody and get into a relationship and start getting out there.
Um but it's hard because like I said, I don't have that drive.
I don't have the libido.
I don't wake up in the morning and just have that fire inside of me.
Cool, man.
Well look Chris, I appreciate you calling, man.
I really do like a million percent.
I appreciate you calling.
Like a million percent dude.
And you know, you're not alone.
A lot of guys have a lot of similar feelings and a lot of similar issues, man.
Let's hear the end of your call because I just feel bad about cutting you off.
And plus, I'm like really, you know, I have low self-confidence just from, you know, I still kind of see myself as like that homeless dude jerking off in the shed.
Yes, you have a low, your view of yourself probably isn't always good.
It sounds like.
Man, I'm sorry, dude.
You know, I appreciate you telling, you know, sharing this.
I really do.
You know, and I hope that by hearing this back and listening to some of this, you're able to kind of get a little bit, you know, maybe just a little more perspective on yourself.
Here, I got to plug this thing in really quick.
Hold on one second.
Oh, wait.
Never mind.
The plug-ins right here.
Hold on.
Sorry, my computer's on like 1%.
Okay.
Yeah, look, man, I can relate to this 100%.
You know, I really can.
Self-worth is low.
And a lot of that probably, you know, and look, I got to tell you, I'm not, look, I'm not any therapist.
I have no idea the shit I'm talking about.
You know, I don't have any medical background.
I have no idea.
The only thing I know is that I can, when you tell me your story right there, Chris, that I have heard your story or parts of it inside of myself.
You know, and I've lived through some of your story before.
Maybe not exactly, but I have not had anyone call where I could relate as much to someone call.
And the thing that helped me, I'll be honest with you, was getting into a program, dude.
It really did.
It helped me.
It really helped me.
I don't know if you need a program, you know, if you need an AA or an NA or a CA.
I have no idea.
You know, I don't know if I'll be involved in that program forever.
But for now, I know that that program has helped me get a better look at myself to know who I really am.
And it's hard, man.
I've had to learn slowly to be vulnerable in relationships so that I can even build a connection with a woman.
And this is slow stuff, dude.
It's slow.
And it takes work.
But you can feel better.
I promise.
And that's all I can tell you, man, is that you can feel better.
And relationships that haven't been good or whatever will get better.
And that somebody can love you and you can love somebody else.
And, you know, and I can't tell you what, you know, I can't, you know, you can't tell somebody to go get in a program, but you can just, I can tell you that for me, it's changed my life.
You know, and sometimes that's hard for me to even admit because sometimes I'm so like self-centered or so, you know, afraid to admit that anything other than me has changed my life because I'm so used to doing everything for myself.
You know, but when I'm really honest, yeah, man, that program has changed my life.
I have a constant base of men and other people that I can go to every day to learn how to live in any moment.
If I don't know something to do, there's somebody I can call.
There's 40 people I can call.
Say, hey, what do I do right now?
And they're like, this is what you do.
And these are people that I trust and know and love.
And I know that they love me.
And bam, I do that.
Because those are the things you don't get when you don't have like that relationship with a mother, relationship with a father.
You don't get those.
You don't have.
You don't know.
No one ever teaches you anything.
You know?
And it's hard to teach yourself anything because you just, you're so busy just trying to survive.
You know?
So sometimes it's hard to learn.
But I love you, man.
Keep your head up.
You know?
Keep your head up, dude.
You'll get to your Paradise City, man.
We're all going to get there.
Whether it's somebody that wants marijuana out there in North Carolina, whether it's the guy in the Pacific Northwest that just wants to be able to share all his feelings with a woman, but it's afraid even if you can't even talk to a woman anymore about getting shut down.
But I don't think that's going to be forever, man.
We just got to just hold the line.
Hold the line.
It's okay.
We're going to be okay.
The man that's out there paying for gas with change.
Dude, you're going to be paying for gas with dollars soon, brother.
But hey, dude, it's funny.
You called in, man, and you made me remind me of when I used to pay for gas, man, roll in there with a hot sock full of nickels.
Fucking drop them on the counter, walk out.
That's their issue then.
You brought the change, but they're going to have to count that shit, you know?
But yeah, it can be funny, man.
Laugh at that shit next time you paying.
Your Paradise City can be wherever.
They got a fella, just think about it, dude.
They got a fella out in Brazil, one of us, eating shrooms, dude.
A 38-year-old single man.
Dropping a voicemail like this is a Dayton website, but at the same time letting us know that he's about to blast off.
He's about to let his inner Buzz Aldrin hit the stratosphere.
And that's beautiful.
Tiny Sand Who is still hitting the email box.
I don't even know the motherfucker.
If you have any idea what Tiny Sand Who may look like or just guessing, what is a Tiny Sand Who?
Drop me an email.
Theo Von at MacMAC.com.
Hit me with that sketch.
That artist rendition of some Tiny Sand Who.
And I'll see if I can't incorporate some of them into the episode on Thursday.
Maybe I'll put the pictures in at the end of the video or something on the YouTube.
You can find us here.
Subscribe, please.
Tell your friends.
This episode, honestly, wasn't one of my favorites in a lot of ways because my energy is a little bit low.
But, but, it meant a lot to Me that you guys called in and hit the hotline this week, 985-664-9503.
And I'm going to keep coming back.
You know, I'm going to keep coming back and doing this because you guys keep showing up for me.
And I promise you, it means a lot.
We stick together in this shit.
You know, we stick together.
You know, fuck it.
The world's going to do what it's going to do.
This shit's all, you know, if you stay off the news, a lot of the shit's more chill, dude.
I laugh.
Trump does crazy stuff.
I think Trump's fucking hilarious.
Trump is hilarious, dude.
You know?
Politicians never did anything for me anyway growing up.
I think all these politicians are shit.
They're buying out Bernie.
They fuck Bernie over.
Everybody's all of these politics.
They just rich, man.
They rich.
They doing rich shit.
Ain't thinking about us.
They doing rich shit, dude.
We take care of ourselves.
We take care of our kind.
We take care of each other.
And I appreciate you being here for me, man, on this past weekend.
I'll see you guys.
We got a Thursday edition coming out this week.
We got a producer coming in, a new producer Wednesday night, this boy.
So we're going to see how that works.
And thank you to everybody that called in and offered producership.
I'm still emailing some people out.
Going to do some trial runs here and there.
See if, you know, maybe we need somebody on a Sunday.
Maybe we need somebody on a Wednesday.
I still have to get back to a few emails.
It's just been kind of a crazy week.
You know, I saw some tarantulas.
Fucking though, bruh.
And that's something I always wanted to see.
Hit the hotline with some of the thoughts.
If you ever had a black friend get nervous, hit the hotline if you're a scared man out there.
You know?
Fuck, I'm a white man.
I'm feeling like they're trying to kill me right now.
It's tough, man.
But hold on to yourselves.
Hold on to your loved ones.
Keep them close.
I'll talk to you guys soon.
thank you Celebrate living.
Celebrate misery.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweet.
Is it deal?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
I'll take a quarter potter of cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
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