Halloween. Bingewatching. Foursomes. People eatin snacks. Takes callers. Mankind Men’s Group: http://mankindproject.org/mens-groups/ www.patreon.com/theovon www.DollarShaveClub.com/weekend https://www.mosessumney.com/ Special Thanks to Sherb (@mixedxsherb) for the Audio. Special Thanks to the Gunt Squad! Gunters mounting up. Renee Nicol Angelo Raygun Carla Huffman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Monica Hynes Matt Eckenrode Arielle Nicole The Gremlin Cafe Greg H Dave Engelman Dylan Clune Calvin Doyle Robert Doucette Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Qie Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Ned Arick Milo J Garcia Lauren Cribb christian prado Ty Oliver Tom in Rural NC Christian from Bakersfield Brian Giovanni Martinez Matthew Holland Charley Dunham Casey RobertsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Sound like somebody drowning and playing a guitar at the same time to me.
But that's just me being judgmental.
And that is music sent in from a man named Tiny Sandhu.
And this gentleman hit me in the email.
He hit me where it hurts.
You know what I'm saying?
The email.
And he hit me in the email, Tiny Sandhu.
I get an email yesterday.
And first I see the name in the name space.
It says Tiny Sand Who.
And I'm thinking, Tiny Sandhu?
You know, well, what is it?
Turns out it's a man.
Tiny Sandhu sent in music.
And that was it right there.
And that's Voodoo Child that he played himself.
And that's Voodoo Chow.
And that's a cover of Jimi Hendrix.
And he sent an email.
It's a cover of Voodoo Child by Jimi Hendrix.
Yet another magic man from the South.
Home of the Blues.
Thank you, Tiny.
Thank you, Tiny.
I appreciate that.
And I know they had a boy named Small Allen growing up in my neighborhood and who could do, who could hang off of his daddy's scrotum and wiener.
And some people know that.
And not in a sexual way.
That's not a sexual thing.
You know, sometimes people, you know, his daddy was in the Eastern European vaudeville in the circus, you know, and whatever that was.
I'm sure a real rot gut establishment.
You know, and his, but Small could hang off of his daddy's, when his daddy would drink, his daddy would drop drawer and Small could grip onto his daddy's wiener and balls, you know.
Both of them, not at the bottom like a fucking, you know, like a fucking, you know, midget on a punching bag.
I'm talking up at the top, you know, where the where the rubber meets the road.
He could grip them at the top and just hang there, hang off of his daddy's, you know, fertile accomplishment pieces.
And that was pretty wild that small could do that.
And the small Allen, fellow that grew up in my neighborhood.
But anyhow, Tiny Sandwoo, I'm sure that's probably the small Allen of India, maybe, of West India.
I'm not sure.
But thank you for that music, man.
We appreciate it.
I've gotten a lot of music sent in.
And one of these days I'm just going to play you some of the, you know what, next week, I'm right now, next week I'm going to play you that.
But some of the ones that have been sent in, man.
And some of them are great.
Some of them are really not even great.
Or just not fit for this show.
But I'm going to send you the type of stuff that people have sent in that they felt was a complimentary to the show.
And to me, some of it's just, it's striking and it's interesting and it's great, man.
It's something else, dude.
Some of it's sheer shit as well.
Some of it is sheer shit.
Like somebody just, you know, I mean, it's something else, man.
But anyhow, welcome to this past weekend, October 23rd, okay?
And I know Halloween is right around the corner.
And also, I want to welcome you to this past weekend because we have our new first charter sponsor.
And that is Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard, Santa Monica, California.
On your way to the beach, if you like pie in your face, go get that hitter at Gray Block.
They got it, G-R-E-Y-B-L-O-C-K.
They got the Frenchie, the quad, the Bella Goat.
Meet yourself up.
You know what I'm saying?
Get that beef in your teeth or go for the famous salad pizza if you leaning out for the beach or for prom or for a second marriage.
If you're trying to cut some gut, hit that salad pizza if you're trying to cut some gut.
If you're Italian or if you're not, it's the place, Gray Block Pizza.
Order online.
It's in Los Angeles on Pico Boulevard.
Gray Block Pizza.
G-R-E-Y.
GrayblockPizza.com.
We're happy to have them on board as our first charter sponsor.
I'm very excited.
And I'm excited for you guys to be here with me on this past weekend.
What's going on?
What did I do?
You know what I did this weekend, man?
I did what I wanted to.
I did what I wanted to.
And you know what it really was?
A lot of it was nothing.
A lot of it was nothing, dude.
I got trapped watching that show Mindhunter.
Have you seen this?
Have you seen Mindhunter?
You know, it's on Netflix and it's about serial killers.
You know, people that wanted, they kill somebody and then also want to kill somebody again.
Because apparently if you kill someone, it's enjoyable.
Who knew that?
Honestly, sometimes, I think sometime in the dark recesses of my mind, I probably knew that.
You know, that if I just wrap my, you know, meek little palms, I mean, I got the fingers of a talented cat.
You know, I got real meek.
I got the fingers of like somebody who makes pasta or, you know, makes pasta in a cave.
You know, I got real just, I mean, if you set my, if you painted my fingers brown and just hung them out the window, a bird would land on them.
You know, I got them lean little branch, just little branch giblets, you know, almost could easily be made out of wood and not a nice wood either, you know?
Maybe teak, something not very sturdy, but those are the kind of hands that I have.
You know, I mean, I'm just probably, I'm a half hour away from carpal tunnel, I bet.
You know, I do a Rubik's Cube and I hit I get hit with that, with that carpal tunnel.
You know what I'm saying?
I got meek fingers, dude.
If I started to fall off a cliff and I grabbed for a rock, dude, I would definitely still fall off a cliff.
I don't have that kind of, you know, that hand strength.
You know, I could maybe throw a pool ball, like a billiard ball.
I could throw a billiard ball about 45 feet.
I got these meek fingers.
But I'm girthy in the shoulders.
I'm girthy in that up, and that, I got that uproar.
I got that uproar, you know.
Like I took a deep breath and it just got stuck inside of me forever.
That's what happened.
I'm thick up top.
You know, I'm thick up in that chesty.
I probably have 50 or 60 ribs, I bet.
If they crack me open, you'd have a bunch of damn, I bet you'd have a bunch of brothers and sisters showing up at the park because it's time to barbecue if they crack me open and you know that.
But yeah, I got caught in.
Well, first I want to thank Tiny again for the music.
And look, Tiny, I'll tell you this, Tiny.
I don't know about music.
You know, I've never been a big music man.
You know, you're talking to a guy who's seen Goo-Goo dolls four times.
You know, you're talking to a guy who would probably go to a Miley Cyrus concert.
You know, if I had a box seat, I'm not staying down in the bottom with the, you know, with the children and PDOs that are down there.
Because that's PDO country.
And Miley Cyrus is a place where I bet a lot of people that are, you know, PDO and they're even out there just to have a good time and not even to meet children.
Because it's kind of that kind of fun music where everybody enjoys it.
But, you know, you're talking to a guy who, you know, I've been, have also been to see that widespread panic.
You know, I've caught maybe six or seven of their shows.
You know, I've slept out in a van in a parking lot with a bunch of people that's, you know, men and women smell the same and have the same haircut.
And, you know, they got different, you know, they're eating grilled cheeses out of each other's, you know, crotch.
It's just wild stuff.
You know, people that are, you know, selling homemade biscuits out of a van and laying next to dogs or wolves at night, you know, and eating spider webs and, you know, who knows what else, ginger snaps.
I've been around those types of people that, you know, go to string cheese incidents and do the other stuff and listen to fish, you know, and ride around and learn to juggle and shit, even though they're in their early 40s.
I've been around some of those damn fucking, you know, architects, whatever they are, shit architects.
But, you know, so I don't have much of a music, but Tiny Sand, who sent the music in and I'm grateful for it.
But yeah, I watch that Mindhunter.
If you haven't seen this, now, first of all, the thing is about Mind Hunter, it's about people learning that serial killers think differently.
And I've always been obsessed with, you know, with serial killing a little bit.
I've always liked those shows.
For some reason, my mother had us watching America's Most Wanted as a Child.
That was the show that our family got together and watched.
And man, that was, I just remember being so scared.
And I don't know if my mother probably should not have let us watch it.
But my mother, we were adults early because we, there weren't a lot of, you know, she kind of let us make our own choices really in a lot of ways.
And, you know, of course, as a kid, you're like, oh, I can handle whatever.
But I remember hiding behind the sofa sometimes at some of the stories.
But I got into that stuff, dude.
And some of these shows, it's addictive.
You know, you won't see a friend for three or four days.
You're like, man, are you okay?
Would you have the flu?
And they're like, nah, man.
I, you know, I didn't have the flu, dude.
I had Ozark.
You know, I had a heavy case of the Ozark.
I came down with it and then my lady came down with it.
You know, and then spouses start fighting because you're on different episodes.
You've seen these episode fights?
Oh, well, he fucking frank, you know.
He thought he'd be cute.
Come in drunk and watch two episodes of Ozark without me.
Fuck you, Teresa.
You know, you always doing, you watch six date lines without me.
So what are you even talking about?
But you got couples getting into episode fights, you know, and it's ruining bedroom stuff.
You know, because they don't want to be in that, you know, people on different episodes and they feel like that that's how they relate anymore.
Play some scrabble with your wife or play some damn cards.
Take a night off, sit in front of each other, look into each other's eyes.
But with that said, man, I love some damn serial killing and I've never had a strong taste or knowledge base for music.
Because you know what happened to me?
For years, I drove around, I wouldn't even listen to music in my car.
Maybe I could be a SK serial colour because that's the kind of serial killer things, things serial killers do.
You know, and I think I just got addicted to listening to my own thoughts.
I was so trapped in my own head, I would just drive around and listen to my own fucking thoughts that were on repeat, dude.
It was like five tracks.
All of them were shit.
So, you know, at least whatever you sent me, Tiny Sand, who, was better than me listening to my own thoughts for a little bit.
But we got a lot going on.
We got a lot going on this week.
People are getting fired up because Halloween is coming up.
Halloween.
And I got the hands for Halloween, dude.
Oh, I couldn't.
The only person I could probably strangle about a, I bet I could strangle about a 13-month-old.
Anything over than that, I would need assistance.
That's how my, I got weak fingers, man.
I got weak fingers, dude.
I got fingers that are just, you know, like I have trouble sometime with a Ziploc.
You know, for me, red and, you know, yellow and blue, most of the time still just make yellow and blue.
I got to call somebody in because I'm just, I don't have that, I don't have heavy pressure in my fingers.
And I think I get that from my mother.
You know, she has, but she's strong, but she got them lean fingers, I think.
Or maybe my father, I don't know.
Maybe my father.
I mean, my father, by the time I got to look at his fingers, my father was, you know, 80 years old when I was 10. So I think anything I get that's not working good, I think it's maybe it's safe to assume that I got it from my father.
You know, the genetics on there probably, you know, I might have these senior citizen fingers.
But yeah, that mind hunter, I got trapped.
And you can get trapped in these episodes, man.
You're watching.
You wake up in the middle of the night.
You go to Piss.
Next thing you know, you're four episodes deep in the, you know, breaking bag because you never started it.
You know, it's just, it's intense out there.
And Stranger Things is coming back in a week and a half.
It's just a lot going on.
But I got caught watching that show, that Mindhunter.
And it's about serial killers, man.
And I have always had a fascination.
I remember when I was young, I used To collect those, remember they used to have these blue and white cards, they were white, but with blue, it was missing person.
And I think the number was 1-800, the missing.
And they would send them to you in the mail every week or every other week.
And they'd have pictures, two pictures of children.
And one was when they went missing, and one was what they assumed they looked like now.
And I collected those.
And I remember I would look at them all the time.
And some people are thinking, well, that's a serial killer typey thing to do.
But I did it because I remember I just, I don't know.
I felt sometimes like, I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe I wondered maybe if I had been a missing person or something.
I think I felt so out of place in my own life sometimes that maybe I thought one of those cards would come and be like, oh, this is, you know, this is where I've been or what's been going on.
You know, I think I just felt missing, you know.
I don't know why, man.
I just, but I sympathize with those kids.
I really, I sympathize with those kids.
For some reason, I would collect them and I would look at them all the time.
And I remember one time I thought I saw one of the children.
So that's a little bit of a dark thing to think about this morning.
But also at the same time, it's not.
You know, I was looking for these children.
You know, I was keeping tabs on some of the different kids that were coming across that were missing or allegedly missing, you know.
But I always had a fascination with that.
And America does right now.
America has a fascination with that.
There's a new podcast as well out that's called Dirty John that you might want to listen to.
I just listened to the first episode today.
It's pretty good.
But I think that that's something you might enjoy.
But that's what I did this weekend, man.
I went to some music.
This guy, Moses Sumny.
I don't know if you've heard of this gentleman or not.
But he's good, man.
I hadn't listened to, I haven't been to a music show in a while, but Moses Sumny, S-U-M-N-E-Y.
It's a tall gentleman, originally from Ghana, grew up in California.
And, man, I've never seen music like this.
This dude has, he's playing the guitar some, and he's playing the piano, and he's got these pedals that are looping everything, and there's these lights going on, and he's doing this kind of interpretive dance.
But it was next level, man.
Like I went to a warp zone.
It was like somebody, you know, took a big bat and knocked my head right off of my body.
And my head was just flying through space.
And I wasn't in any pain.
And my eyes were open, and my ears were open.
And I was just traveling through the galaxy.
That's what this man created with this music.
So if you get a chance to check him out, Moses Sumney is this guy's name.
M-O-S-E-S, S-U-M-N-E-Y.
I haven't met the gentleman in person, but it was pretty cool.
But yeah, I've been to some shit music, man.
I remember, you know, well, when I was a child, we would eat drugs and go in there.
You know, the first concert I ever went to was Marilyn Manson.
You know, speaking of spooky stuff, and me and my buddy Scotty, who was really fancy, I mean a real faunt Leroy of a boy, you know, kind of nice looking.
You know, look like his whole body, like it just was made out of conditioner.
Because I didn't know they had conditioner.
You know what I'm saying?
Tell probably, you know, maybe 19 or 21 or something.
You know, but I, but he, he looked like he just, you know, like just damn baby goats came at night and just licked his body while he was sleeping, you know, and did his hair with their tongues.
Because he looked soft like that.
He looked not soft in a bad way, but he just looked, you know, fully manicured by God, like just natural.
You know, he looked like them baby goats was taking care of him at night.
You know, he looked clean.
He looked real clean, you know.
He looked like he could go a couple days without brushing his teeth if he wanted to.
It looked like he could brush his teeth with his hands and they would have still come out really clean.
He just looked that clean, you know.
And I remember me and him went to Maryland Manson and we met this dude, Big Richard, and I've told some of this story before.
He ended up getting busted.
He got busted actually for P-filing out there, you know, allegedly, but he went to jail for it.
And he was a senior citizen.
And he took us, dropped us off at Maryland Manson, bro, before they were huge when they were just popping off.
Just popping off.
They were playing at this probably 250-person venue called the Rendon Inn in New Orleans.
And me and Scott are there underage, 14 years old, listening to Marilyn Manson.
And I remember being in the bathroom urinating, and some man walked in, and he's like, what are these fucking kids doing in here, right?
And these people are all dressed up.
This was when Marilyn Manson was like, when they were, you know, he would cut his drummer open on stage with a bottle and the drummer would go to the hospital and like really go to the hospital, you know, like not like we're just going to get some pictures of him at a ReadyMed or at a 24-hour, you know, you know, saloon or something, medical saloon.
This one they would really go to the hospital.
And I remember being in the bathroom urinating and some guy's like, what are these fucking kids doing in here?
And me and my buddy was in there urinating separately, you know, because I don't do joint urination.
And I never have, even when I was a child, you know, shoulder to shoulder.
Dude, give me at least a half inch, bro.
We don't even fucking know each other.
You know what I'm saying?
Unless we're in the military, dude, we're not touching each other's bodies and holding onto our wieners at the same time, dude.
You know what I'm saying?
Now, if you want to go off at a game of gay chicken, we can play that all day.
But as, you know, as young adults standing here shoulder to shoulder, come on now.
So I'm in there.
My buddy's in there.
We're like, the guy's like, what are these fucking kids doing in here?
And some other dude goes, I don't know, but I'm sure somebody will fuck them up.
And when you're a kid, dude, and you hear that kind of shit, you're just like, Jesus, man.
The world is not a safe zone, you know?
And I think it was right around Halloween time when that happened, too, man.
And so I remember that got us in the mood to be spooked out for sure, dude.
For sure.
Fun Halloween, man, coming up, the kids.
Just talking to my buddy on the phone.
He said he got his son.
They got a Batman outfit, but the muscles already built in.
And I'm asking, well, what is that shit?
When I was young, dude, if you got that Batman, that thing was a piece of shit, dude.
Remember, it was just like, it had the cape.
It had that mask, dude.
They had this girl in our neighborhood, Big Melissa.
Even though she was young, they called her Big Melissa.
And I mean, you could guess why they called her big melissa but i mean she had the biggest head i've ever seen dude wider than it was tall i mean that head was probably i would guess it was i don't know it was probably eight and a half by 11 like a sheet of paper maybe but sideways you know long ways and i remember she would put that uh that the mask on for that halloween costume but when i was young it had the side of the mask it would cut into your
face dude and that band on her head was so tight dude she had this huge cut it would push her whole head up into the mask almost like a cookie right it would just be cut out around the sides man just i mean just chirped out around the sides that thing would just cut into her skin so after she took it off her whole face for a couple days it had been molded into whatever she was you know like a little gummy bear or a uh what else did they have gummy bears or
winnie the poo or a you know a cat it would just mold her face like a cookie that thing would stick to her face and she had to have help getting it off that mask but those things were dangerous and the batman costume when i was young was a piece of shit you know my buddy's telling me that his son has the muscles built in dude when i was young you had to damn hit the gym even if i don't care if he was nine years old dude you better hit the gym dude you know i'm saying you better get on some high quality breast milk dude you better skip a baby in the tit line and catch a little bit of
breast milk and put on some weight if you want to fill out a batman costume you had to make your own you had to you had to grow you had to get ready for it you know if you wanted to be something you had to be it you know if you wanted to be a you know an army war veteran you know you might find you know you might uh break your arm a couple weeks before and be in a cast you know or you know hobble yourself you know and tie your legs together you know for a couple days before so you're practicing that hobble so you look really hobbled you
know we went into halloween with purpose now these kids get in costumes with the muscles built in hit the fucking gym young buck or young lady why don't you hit the gym for six weeks before october 31st and fill out that costume naturally quit cutting corners you know that's a problem sometime with america you know these kids want to cut corners but i just remember it being different man you know i remember it being different i remember one kid wanted to be uh oscar
the grouch right but he didn't have like a can or anything he just duct taped this huge a bag of trash to his back dude he looked like a i mean he looked like a homeless ninja turtle really he just i mean he had just a huge bag of just garbage and the garbage was leaked just a garbage he found on the street you know out by the street and he just duct taped it like 40 different ways around his back and the bag was so heavy it kept weighing him down so sometimes he'd fall back on his back and
we have to you know push him up by the shoulders and get him back upright but he was supposed to be a damn oscar the grouch but no can you know i guess kind of like a naked oscar the grouch you know a little bit mildly naked because he didn't have that can on him but yeah i remember halloween man and i remember it being fun but i've been getting into these tv shows and i'm just saying that some of them are addictive you know they're addictive man you get into these shows and they're just addictive they're just addictive you know and it's it's almost i don't want to say
it's it's too addictive but it's almost i feel like dangerous sometimes when this binge watching comes out because it's just it makes it harder if you're not in control like i'm not in control sometimes you know and i have an addictive personality and i will quickly get into it and then i can't get out you know so that's tough tv watching for people that aren't able to get in and out of things very easily and that happens to me man that's exactly what happens to me what else is going on this weekend
i did some comedy sets um had a good time i saw brendan shaub i saw rogan i saw uh bobby lee guys that i love we got the new i'm doing this pilot for comedy central if you live in the california area and are a man who has been going through something or you are a woman who has a husband or boyfriend who's been going through something wild you know that's kind of manhood type stuff you know maybe he's afraid to pop the marriage question or maybe you're afraid to pop the whatever it is
i need men who are dealing with men stuff you know men who are dealing with men stuff hit me up on the hotline 985-664-9503 we're putting together this pilot and it's going to be pretty neat just want to hear some stories and see if we can possibly incorporate one of them into the pilot project and that project actually is based on this podcast so pretty cool man if we didn't start this and get this going then that opportunity doesn't prevent it present itself so that's pretty awesome man we're doing some really really neat stuff it
seems like what else is happening man i um i uh i remember other costumes that i had as a kid you know i remember being a firefighter and i didn't really have a costume dude and my brother had this little wagon right so we filled that wagon with a little bit of kerosene and he um he would pull the wagon and had uh and we lit the kerosene he'd pull the wagon that's the fire
right and then i had like a bat and like a fake gun and i was running behind the wagon of fire shooting it like a fighter you know so it's kind of a i mean i guess even at that time it was kind of a play on words and it was a little bit i mean it was a little damn ridiculous in hindsight you know but um but i remember remember being a firefighter when i was a kid uh i remember being where's waldo i remember being a um i
remember being i was on a on a boat one time and people were using each other's pubic hair to make um you know mustaches and beards because we didn't have any spare hair as a child i was raggedy ann a couple times on accident and i was raggedy andy what else what else was i as a kid i don't remember maybe when i was a baby i might have been a damn pumpkin everybody dresses a baby up like a pumpkin um i saw i saw my little nephew got a costume and he's going to be a a uh a Native American,
you know, and he's going to do it honorably, I think, you know.
So I'm sure I hope he honors them as he gets out and does some trick-or-treating.
But that's it, man.
Halloween's coming up.
I saw some people out in costume this weekend, and guess what?
Fuck those people, because that's too early to be out in costume.
You're out 12, 13 days before Halloween.
You're out there running around.
Come on, man.
Come on, man.
Bit much, isn't it?
For adults?
For adults.
And also, ladies, be careful if you invest something in your child.
If you got a child out there and you're just going to buy your child a $13 costume, but you're going to go spend $300, $400 on yourself, you know, looking like a, you know, if you're going to dress up like a slutty snail or something, you know, maybe even it out.
Maybe, you know, get you something else, like, you know, a conservative, maybe be a conservative, you know, a conservative calamari and get your son, maybe or daughter, maybe a $100 outfit.
But get something good, you know.
But happy Halloween, everybody.
I mean, I think we'll have one more episode before Halloween, so I'll maybe get into a little bit more then.
But I just wanted to wish everybody a happy Halloween.
What else is going on?
Not much.
The news, I haven't really watched much of it, you know.
Trump's, you know, always, you know, tweeting at everybody.
And they're fighting.
The whole thing is so much ego.
I know that Hillary's going to run again.
Hillary's going to fucking run again.
And I bet she would lose.
I bet she would lose, man.
This whole thing is this twisted ego universe, man.
You know, it's so crazy how egos and bruised egos, all these politicians, man.
I would vote a waffle iron into the White House if I could.
Because I hope this whole thing, that's why I think Trump's hilarious a lot of times because he doesn't give a fuck.
And that's bad.
At some point, it's a bad example, you know, because you want somebody to give, you know, but he's just like this crazy kind of business guy who has, who's complete empath.
You know, it's like, but then sometimes that's what a lot of America is.
I think sometimes we don't want to be realistic about Trump because it's like, I think he embodies some of exactly what we are.
You know, exactly what a lot of America as a cunt, as a, you know, as a cloth sometimes it feels like has become just this, you know, it's about making money.
It's about business.
You know, it's about cutting corners.
You know, I don't know, man.
But it's just funny because Obama made fun of Trump years ago at that speech, at that dinner, and then Trump wants to show him back.
He's like, oh, you know what?
I could have your job.
And he does, and he gets his job.
And then Hillary loses, and she's so butthurt.
And then she's going to, and I can just tell she wants to run again, man.
It's just like the WWE.
It really is.
It's just like professional wrestling, bro.
And that's why for me, it's exciting because it makes people are fired up.
People are angry.
Good.
Or people are good, whatever.
You know, I've never depended on politics to have ever had, I didn't feel like an effect on my life.
Like they were going to bring, I don't need that, you know, for my comfort.
Now, it would get super scary if, you know, there's a war, something crazy like that breaks out, you know.
But at the same time, you know, is that what we, I mean, we're at a point where it's like something's going to happen.
Mother Nature is about to whoop everybody's ass.
She's already doing it.
You know, I don't think we're, I don't think as humans, sometimes we're being, we're behaving, we are, I don't know if it's behaving, but are we best serving ourselves, you know, as humans?
I don't know.
You know, I don't know.
But I ask myself that question and I look around and base that on my own eyes, you know.
I mean, the news has gone to a level.
That shit's, the news will get people killed, dude.
If you follow the news, getting people killed, dude.
Oh, everything's a problem.
Dude, Yahoo has changed so much.
I used to go to Yahoo to get stuff.
Dude, go read the lines on Yahoo.
They're headlines.
It's so bizarre.
You're like, what is this?
Smut.
You got to keep your face out of the smut, dude.
That's what you got to keep up.
Anyhow, that's enough of my politics.
I just think it's just, everything has become the WWE.
The rock.
I've heard real rumors in Hollywood.
This is real, real stuff, that The Rock is going to run next time.
The Rock.
You know?
And the crazy thing is that Hollywood create, they helped create Trump.
There's no, that's the funniest thing to me sometimes.
You had all these people in Hollywood are so angry about Trump, but Hollywood helped create him.
You know, that platform, somebody in Hollywood made millions and maybe millions and millions and millions of dollars off the apprentice.
You know, I'm sure, I don't know, I don't even know what network it is or what producer, whoever's attached, but no accountability there.
There's no way that he wins if he doesn't have that format, that platform, that show, that show.
You know, I just, there's just so many, and I just think it's funny because I love seeing politicians just yell at each other and fight.
It's just like professional wrestling.
But when it comes to the reality of things, what do I do?
I get up in the morning.
I get out of bed.
You know, I try to be of service to my friends and family.
I try to be of service to others.
I don't do it all the time.
I don't do it every day perfectly, but I try.
I keep making an effort.
I take care of my side of the street.
Mother Teresa said, you want to change the world?
Go home.
Love your family.
I'm not out here fiercely bitching all day about this, you know, these people are ruining this.
These people are ruining that.
Politics never, these people, these politicians never did anything for me.
And that's why I think you have it.
It's like a lot of people are shocked that, oh, Hollywood or that, you know, it's now the biggest thing is that, like, oh, it's opioided America.
That's who voted Trump in office.
Dude, most of America is just poor people.
You realize that?
You realize that?
And guess what poor people like, dude?
We like professional fucking wrestling, bro.
That's it.
We want to be entertained.
Oh, I get to be poor while the rich keep getting richer and the disparity of wealth in America gets greater and greater.
And while politicians seem the second they get elect, you can tell this, the whole thing, you can see in their eyes that most of them are already thinking about the wealth they're going to make on these speaking tours afterwards.
Well, the least that can happen is it can be an entertaining fucking four years.
And you might think, Theo, that's crazy.
That's not how poor people think.
I grew up these people.
I know how they think.
I get it.
I'm not trying to like shove it down anymore, but I'm telling you that that's how poor people think, man.
That's how a lot of people think.
People are just tired of fucking watching the same show.
It's the same show.
All right, enough about me, man.
I'm sorry to go off on those deep ends sometimes, but you know, I just, what?
I'm just, I'm just such a mortal, you know?
I'm so mortal, God.
And I'm just trying to stay alive, I think.
You know?
But I just, I'm fascinated that I'm just fascinated what everything's kind of turning into.
And I think change is good, man.
I think change is always good.
It's the hardest thing sometimes to go through and to recognize while it's happening.
But change is always, it has to occur.
And I think the end, the outcome is always greater than what was the energies or whatever that was happening before, you know?
Except for dying.
Dying, probably not a cool change, you know?
Like, hey, won't be seeing you guys for a while.
You know, that's probably not a good one.
But enough about me, man.
We had some great calls this weekend.
First, I want to tell you guys, though, that November 14th through, no, November 16th through 19th, I will be in Huntsville, Alabama at Stand Up Live, Huntsville.
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Support the podcast.
You can also go to patreon.com, p-a-t-r-e-on-com slash theo von, t-h-e-o-v-o-n.
There will be exclusive footage, extended footage from today's episode there.
And I want to thank all my Patreoners, that gun squad, you know, for supporting, and all of my Patreon, those bumpers, everybody for being a part of things.
All right, guys, let's get into some of your calls.
You had some this weekend, and I appreciate it, man, what was going on in your lives.
Here we go.
Theo, hey, this is Tommy Judson, your buddy from Ohio.
My wife and I saw you in Baltimore and met you last year.
Maybe this year.
Dirty Tommy, man, or clean Tommy.
I'm not sure I didn't get a good look at you.
But Tommy Judson, good to see you.
Good to hear your voice, man.
I'm glad your wife.
It sounds like y'all still together.
Let's hear a little bit more.
And I did get offered a threesome.
I got offered into a mixed bag over there, threesome in, and that was in Baltimore.
Onward.
Anyway, I was an EMT for a lot of years, and you reminded me of the time when I went into a some dude literally in Ohio.
Some dude literally fell off his bar stool and died.
We went in there to try to revive him.
He had a cardiac arrest, and we were doing CPR and jamming him with needles.
And as I was giving him CPR, literally looking into his dead eyes, really wild.
Yeah, dead eyes are wild, dude.
Dead eyes, I mean, it's crazy.
We go from being that human to having a little bit of fish in us really quick.
You know, having a little bit of fish in us really, really quick.
Let's hear more.
The people in the bar were still sitting there eating their French fries and sipping their chicken wings in the blue cheese.
So, yeah, people are weird around this death genre.
Yeah, people are weird around death.
And I know you're referencing, Tommy, as well.
I spoke last week about how I was around that choking incident.
You know, I saw a woman was choking to death and her husband just kind of massaging her shoulders and kind of rubbing her neck a little bit like she had a fucking, you know, like she had a knot, you know, like she'd had a tough, you know, a tough job, you know, a tough afternoon doing, you know, tries and traps or whatever.
But, you know, this man was just, you know, his wife was choking and other people sitting around and just almost don't know what to do.
Don't, it's a, it's this, this pause that comes over everyone.
So yeah, I mean, that's pretty fascinating that people are still eating snacks.
That's very Roman, I feel like.
That's one of the things you see back in Rome, you know, when they got a, you know, they got a vulture or, you know, seven or eight vultures fighting a, you know, a pickpocket, you know, and they put him out there in the ring and they're, you know, you know, and they're chasing him and, you know, you know, biting his kneecaps off and all of that shit, you know, ripping moles off his back.
All these vultures are, you know, just, you know, pecking moles off his back and stuff.
And the whole time, the crowd is just sitting there cheering and eating snacks and everything.
That's very Roman.
And it's amazing how sometimes we get so Roman when somebody's dying.
You know, I remember being at a buffet as a child.
My mother had a boyfriend.
He sometimes would take us to the holiday inn buffet up there on Saturday.
And they had a waffle man.
They had a man up there in a fancy hat that made waffles, dude.
And he looked kind of, I guess, Italian.
But he made these waffles.
You know, we can go get that waffle.
Man, we did not get along, my stepdad.
But we would be nice with my mom's boyfriend.
But we would be nice, though, sometimes to get that waffle, get that hitter in our mouth.
You know, get that bake, that fucking big hot, you know, that big hot fucking French cookie, man, or whatever it is.
I don't know if waffles are French.
They sound kind of French to me.
You know, A-F-F-L-E, waivel, waivel, waffle.
I'm not sure.
Could be French.
But anyhow, but yeah, I feel you, man.
When people, when somebody dying, some people still want to eat.
And I think some of that's guttural, too, because you see somebody else is dying.
So you think, okay, I better sustain.
And the first thing you do, boy, I mean, hell, if somebody's breastfeeding next to me, I'll take a hit off that, off that fucking, that nippled bag, you know what I'm saying?
Because the first thing you want to do is sustain, you know, and sustaining is the number one thing.
I mean, it's like at the end of Grapes of Wrath, that lady, they got a lady with breasts, and she's breastfeeding her own family.
You know, people take, or strangers or something, take a hit off a woman's breast for survival.
So I think if you see somebody dying, you know, fucking, you might just crack open a bag of Frito-Lays or some snow peas or something and put them in your mouth to keep sustaining.
But I appreciate you calling, and thanks for your service out there as an EMT, dude.
You know, you guys are out there on the front lines of fucking overdosers and all of that shit, and that's got to be pretty heady, dude.
So thank you for calling.
If you have a good story, actually, if you're buzz me in sometime and let me know on the hotline what some of the stories you have are.
I'd love to hear them.
And that hotline number is 985-664-9503 as well.
So if you want to get involved in it and you're not involved in it, hit the hotline.
Let us know what's going on.
Okay, let's keep cruising.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, this is your boy, Cece, from Ohio.
Cece.
Thank you for calling.
Here we go.
Buckeye Nation.
Here's the situation.
I have a manager at work.
She is married to another woman, female lesbian.
Oh, yeah, that's female lesbianism.
Omar?
I have the same haircut as a lot of those women, and I see a lot of them checking my shit out, too, online.
I see y'all on Instagrams trying to hawk my shit, gender-neutral style, boy.
Word up.
Let's hear more, brother.
They've been hitting on me, and they're both like solid eights, Ohio eights.
Hey, dude, an Ohio eight.
It's an Indiana nine, baby.
That's what they say.
Let's hear more.
And hitting on me and my wife, actually.
I wanted to know if that would make things weird at work if I dabbled a little bit in those dark arts.
And also, do you think that if I partook in any of this, it would make me feel, you know, emasculated in any way to have, you know, maybe my wife enjoying this a little bit?
Also wanted to know, maybe.
Wow.
Okay, that's a lot right there.
So you have this option.
That's called a bass trap, too.
They call it a bass trap, dude, when they got two, when two lesbians are hitting on you.
You know, they're trying to get you in that bass trap.
And yeah, look, man, I mean, I feel like that's intimidating.
If both of them are eights, I have a feeling one of them's an eight and one of them's a six.
I'm just going to be honest.
That's what I have a feeling.
You know, because sometimes it's hard to get, you know, two real hitters at an eight that are lesbians.
In the Midwest, I'm guessing one's an eight and one's a six.
I'm just guessing, bro.
And that's okay.
You know, that's me being a little bit judgmental there.
But that's safe, you know, because I'm saying is, you know, one of my buddies one night came up to me at a bar and he's like, man, I got these five girls that want to hook up with me.
And I looked at him and he's like, they were all twos, you know?
And he's like, dude, five twos make a 10, right?
We've all heard a reference like that before.
But I'm like, dude, that's, you know, at a certain point, you're not even, what type of sex is it?
If there's five, you know, and these women were all the same height, all little women, five little women, one penis.
It sounds like a it sounds like a Japanese game show more that he was getting involved in, you know?
But it can be intimidating, you know, if you get in that environment with the two ladies.
And that, now, a bass trap is when two lesbians get you into, you know, they get you into the bed, but then one of them, that killer, you know what I'm saying?
Because one of them is always at Sugar Ray Leonard, the sweet one.
And then one of them comes in and she's at George Foreman, you know, that gorilla.
One of them comes in, that gorilla boy, and the gorilla be laying down the law.
And that gorilla sometimes will show you who's boss.
And that's where it can be a little bit weird, dude.
That's where it can be a little bit weird where the gorilla shows up and, you know, that George Foreman shows up and she just starts putting it on her lady in front of you after you already got in there, you know, or when you're about to be next.
You know what I'm saying?
She's swinging away, dude.
She's, you know, batting practice and you still over there in a batter's box.
You know, and you start getting nervous and, you know, and she's bringing in fake instruments to the game.
She got some fake pecker tied to her, you know, to her rib cage or something.
And that's how, you know, they're getting into it.
And that's okay.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with any of this.
You know, I mean, hell, I got a lesbian's haircut.
You know, I've taken this haircut.
I've styled it after different lesbian cuts that I've seen.
You know, always, my father told me I had the heart of a lesbian when I was a child.
And I've always tried to live up to his, you know, things that I guess we all try to live up to things that our father wants out of us and the things that our father tells us about us, you know, that always reflects in us most of our lives.
But yeah, that could be intimidating, man.
You know, and that's, dude, I'd love to know more if you navigate those waters, dude.
If you out there, Huck Finnin and Black Jimming out there, baby, I'd love to know what that mighty Tristasippi, if you get into that Trist, baby.
If you get into that Trist, man, with those ladies.
Now, if you bring your wife in, dude, this is a damn movie you're living in.
So you got two Ohio 8s.
You're out there gunning with one man penis.
You got man penis running on natural battery power, natural blood flow.
So I'd pop a five milli of sialis for you to get out there.
You know what I'm saying?
Put your dancing shoes on your dick.
Because you don't want to show up to the ballpark wearing sandals.
You know what I'm saying?
So I'd pop a five milli just to stay in the, you know, state, just to keep balls in the field of play.
That way, if you fade out once, you could chill in the back, you know, have you a small snack or something, a couple orange slices, and then get back out there and be hitting that, you know, gunning down on that crotch.
Because at that point, those ladies are going to be tag teaming your wife.
You know, you're going to be sitting in the distance.
They're going to be out there tag teaming.
You know, one of them is going to be having her a headlock, and one of them is going to be flying off the top ropes, you know, and putting her grill into the mat and all of that, you know, and doing different things, you know, doing, you know, leg locks, doggy style leg locks and all of that.
You know, it's going to be, I don't know.
And then also, will it be weird if your wife sees you not perform super well?
Like, you don't want to be, you know, you don't want them to be going out there at it.
You know, one of them's got a bunch of, you know, some yarn tied around her waist and with that, you know, one of them plastic Johnsons, you know, hanging off her rib cage.
And she's, you know, she's straight up R-buckling that clam on the, you know, with her lady, with her lesbian lover, and you're sitting on the sidelines, you know, and your wife's toweling off your forehead and shit, and you only was at it three or four minutes.
That could be scary, bro.
Wow, man.
This is interesting because I can't even imagine being in that situation.
All the things, if it could happen or would happen.
Man, dude, that's brave, man.
That's really, really brave.
You know, if you get in there, I'd love to know a little bit more about it if it does occur.
And if you get in there, man, and things do get weird and you do start to feel a certain way, just, you know, be honest, I would say.
Just say, look, ladies, I'm going to let you guys enjoy each other's company.
I'm going to sit over here and relax.
You know, because part of my problem is I would get in there and think I had to be this type of man.
You know, that can be started.
Then suddenly I'm fighting my own self.
You know, now I'm thinking, my dick's thinking.
You don't want your dick thinking, dude.
That's what you don't want.
And that's what happens a lot of times these days.
All of our men's dick are thinking.
And that's why we're not able to achieve sexually as much as we used to.
You know, because there's not as much natural, you know, everything's thinking nowadays.
It's not as much nature.
You know, we're not riding our limbic system as much as we used to.
And so we're riding our thoughts.
And our thoughts, thoughts, your dick don't run on thoughts.
You know what I'm saying?
Your dick runs on that fortitude.
You know, on that one drop of freaking, on that one drop of booty LSD that the Lord just dripped into your spine when he made you.
And that just, that formulates your whole universe and keeps you out there in them streets, you know, and keeps you out there being able to have sex and do sex naturally.
Because that's that, those natural causes you have inside of you.
But man, if you get out there, dude, wow.
Well, if you need help, man, hit up our first caller, that EMT, man.
He might be able to get out there and help you out as well.
Or maybe that was you that called us EMT.
I can't even remember now, man.
My brain gets a little bit bad.
Because, hell, it's Sunday evening, you know.
But my saints won, so that's truly beautiful.
But yeah, man, I appreciate it.
And have I ever been in an instance like that?
I'll tell you this, dude.
I got in this three-way activity one time, and I forgot about this.
I got in this three-way activity out there in Missouri, and that's swinger country.
And these are probably young swingers that hadn't grown up yet and gotten married.
And so they were just, and one of these girls, real sexy, you know, real, real sexy.
You know, like if you saw her at a bus stop and it wasn't your stop, you might get off the bus, just have a shot to talk with her, and then walk to your stop.
You know, as long as it wasn't raining, you might do that if you saw this girl.
But, and her friend looked kind of, she was a little bit Baltic Avenue, if you know what I'm saying, man.
She wasn't, I mean, this first baby was damn Marvin Gardens, you know what I'm saying?
She was already around that third corner, you know, she was that kind of looker.
But this first baby, you know, this little baby cat was, she was a little more Baltic.
And that's fine, man.
She was a sweet girl, both sweet girls.
And I went into it just saying, look, I'm going to do what I can.
But that Baltic baby, she had, she kind of, you ever seen like those old like weightlifting videos or from like the 1700s or whatever, where the guy has the dumbbells and it's the big round dumbbells and it says like 1,000 on each side and he's like holding it up and he's wearing like a unitard, you know?
She looked like that.
You know, she had that Bulgarian swagger in her, you know.
She had that, you know, that Russian.
She looked like she's about 90% Russian, you know.
And then, and so she was like, you know, so I was trying to really make love to the more, you know, the one that I felt, you know, the one that was more of a looker, you know, the one that I wouldn't mind, you know, seeing again.
And then her friend was more, she was that wrestler, you know, she kept rapping her legs.
She would do crazy shit too.
I remember, like, I remember I was doing a little bit of doggy style activity, that rear entry position with the woman on her knees and me, the man, back behind her.
And then the lady, that little, you know, that little, she was kind of like a damn like a you know like a like a um like a fast sloth she kind of was on my back kind of right almost jockeying me you know so like she's on my back jockeying me and i'm trying to be you know i was almost that middle man you know a little bit it's almost like she was like this this fucking fast rushing backpack i was wearing you know and she had her crotch out and she was doing all kinds of she
was almost doing stunts and shit around us while while me and this other girl were making love and then you know one of them was both of them was sitting on top of me and um it was it was wild dude it was wild man but it was pretty enjoyable um but there's also just a lot going on so you don't know it's hard to know when to you know where you're supposed to be that's it you almost need like somebody to do the blocking and do some okay you be here okay you know when the music stops everybody get in
a chair you know you almost need you know you need a lot going on you know you almost need a referee or somebody like a wedding planner if you want a real successful threesome i think but um outside of that you know a different time in indiana um i was with two indiana sixes and those are mississippi nines and um and they and that that's actually i think missipped half is in beautiful women actually that's not even true and
the uh and they were cousins man and we did some really short quick um sexuality full-time sex but at part-time you know at part-time uh full-time it was full-time sex but more at part-time um you know part-time interest because I wasn't super fired up but those were you know those were different days all right man but thank you for calling you good luck out there I'd love to know a little bit more about it if you if you get into it man I want to hear
a little bit more about this next call right here here we go hey see you it's Brock University of Central Missouri oh Missouri a swinger country that's where that threesome I was just talking about in with that Bulgarian you know with that backpack Bulgarian I don't remember what her she had like a Japanese name too what was it oh man um maybe sensei or something sensei her name could have been sense sensei uh here we go onward
uh so got a question for you how to handle something um so i'm uh i'm kind of short i don't really uh got a lot of confidence in myself when i uh at the bars with other people because you know i don't really know how to talk to a girl or do anything like that so uh yeah man i don't know uh i don't know how to handle it man i just get in my head i don't know how to
overcome that seems like you could have some good advice on this one let me know thanks man well brock i appreciate you calling man i appreciate this uh i appreciate you sharing will it being willing to share you know what your um what your thoughts are and what you see as a problem for yourself and what you feel as a problem for yourself or a difficulty you know let's don't label it a problem you know it's a difficulty that you're having um you know you're lacking some confidence there you you feel like it's associated with your height and
you have trouble then you know you know at the bars you know or probably more i'm thinking in the i'm assuming more i'm going to assume more in the vein of meeting women you know and you know and i know you're talking about that so you know i'm kind of like an average heighted dude i'm kind of stumpy you know but i'm kind of an average heighted dude i think so i'm going to ask some of our listeners if you guys will hit the hotline for brock 985-664-9503 do it now do
it after you listen if you are you know a man of a shorter height or a woman of a or not shorter but of a height that you know would have been popular in like the late 1800s or whatever or if you are a woman who is you know your perception of a man who is you know of a smaller stature you know what uh give us some thoughts on that you know give some insight to brock you know um he sounds like kind of a younger dude so give him you know some thoughts
let's let's let's uh let's open up our our brains to him because this is something i can't associate on i cannot you know and i'll share some thoughts but i'm gonna let you know brock that i'm gonna do a follow-up i'm gonna take a couple of the listeners calls and i'm gonna put them together on a follow-up for you this week and we'll post that up um and that'll be just for you so you can listen i mean everybody can check it out but that'll be just for you to to uh to get other people's insights what my insights are when it comes to lack of confidence is you know sometimes you you can gain confidence from other people
you know and i don't know if you have a group of of other men you know that make you feel kind of confident with who you are no matter what uh i've made some i did some weird shit in my life over the years dude man i'm gonna tell you this i never told anybody this bro when i was in high school um you know because my eyes kind of go down i got that polish mindset you know and polish people look a little bit dead from like the middle of their from the bottom of their forehead to like the top of their nose our eyes died something happened
to us it's almost like somebody just you know like um like they cut off the power you know when they were making our our eyes and stuff we just look a little dead in the eyes you have to lighten you have to you know spark up sometimes to look interested and when i was young i felt just super inferior about my eyes for some reason and so dude i wore i didn't wear but i put eye drops in my eyes 40 times a day man there wasn't a day brock that i didn't have an
eyedropper on me all day dude and i don't even know why like what did i i just in my weird mind i had you know no one had ever said anything about my eyes you know one kid had called me chinese one time you know and that's fine whatever you know the chinese they're plentiful and they're you know they have great spices and everything i've learned now but you know but one kid had just made fun of me for that or said that you know but i just had this in my head that i was my eyes were weird and everything.
And then next thing you know, I'm doing eye drops.
And then I was living with a family when I was in high school.
And one of the girls had an eyelash curler, dude.
And we had picture day at school.
And I just felt, you know, I'd never seen an eyelash curler.
And then I saw her using it.
And then I was like, man, I want to have better eyes.
You know, I want to have better eyes.
So I used a woman's eyelash curler, you know.
And it's not a hot iron where you're like fucking, you know, getting a damn heated wand close to your face.
It's just a, you know, one you, just a little one you use.
It's a little metal one.
But I curled my damn eyelashes, dude.
You know, went to school.
And man, I'm, oh, I remember.
And I had this jacket on, right?
And then at recess or whatever, I took the jacket off.
It's Louisiana.
You know, you wear a jacket for nine minutes in the morning.
And I had it off and somebody put their hand in my jacket pocket, was like sitting, and I moved chairs so it was on the back of my chair.
Somebody took my chair at lunch or whatever, put their hands in, pulled this eyelash curler out, dude.
And somebody's like, dude, what the fuck is this, right?
And literally, bro, I'm sitting there with these curled eyelashes on picture day, dude.
All because I felt inferior about the way that I looked, man.
But I'll tell you this, bro, that I noticed, here's my perspective.
Guys that are of smaller stature or not horizontally gifted or whatever, you know, little, you know, sweet little gentlemen, they look better.
They can get muscle on them, you know.
So you do curls for two weeks, you're going to be jacked, you know.
But longer people, they got to do longer work to get the muscle.
I think that's a gift.
I think smaller guys do better at stuff like wrestling, you know, looking for things that are on the ground.
Dude, if you're tall, that's a fucking, come on, dude.
You could put your back out.
But a small friend, they help you find anything that could be on the ground.
You know, that's easy for them.
That's natural.
You know, so I think there's a lot of advantages to being of a smaller stature.
But I think helping to find a group of people that support you, how you feel no matter what, will probably increase some of that confidence.
But I'll say this about bars as well.
I never felt confident in a bar.
Especially not at a nightclub, you know?
But I never felt super confident at a bar.
It's a weird environment where there's a lot of alcohol, you know, rowdy people are being rowdy.
You know, sometimes it's not always my vibe, you know?
Especially a nightclub.
And actually bars, I wasn't as bad, but a nightclub, you know, I felt inferior a lot of times, man.
I felt inferior.
There's always something wrong with me.
So, yeah, we got to increase your confidence, Brock.
And I don't know exactly how to do it, but I know you're not the only person who thinks about those things about themselves.
We all have something wrong with ourselves, you know?
So, I mean, if you're a smaller stature, you get to be that fucking mighty mouse.
You could be shit for Halloween.
I could never be, dude.
You know what I'm saying?
You could be a gerbil.
You know, you could be a, you know, you could be Danny DeVito.
You know, you could be, what else could you be?
Oh, Sonic the Hedgehog.
You know, you got access to kind of smaller scale costumes, you know, and that's pretty, you know, that's a rarity, you know.
And I know some of these ideas maybe aren't helpful, but I'm thinking some of our other people can give you helpful ideas.
So if you guys hit the hotline for Brock, if you're smaller, shorter stature, how we can increase some of his confidence, I'll share those in a separate video.
We'll put that up on Wednesday or Thursday.
I'm going to say Thursday so that'll give me a little more time to get it done.
All right, let's hear a little bit more.
Next caller.
Hey, Theo, it's Dave from Texas.
Just got, you know, listen to the podcast and stuff, talking about relationships and all that.
I just got out of a thing with this girl.
She was kind of like a long distance thing.
And, you know, she kind of said she wanted to break things off, but take a break for a while while she figures stuff out because we're both busy people.
We have children.
We have, you know, one child each.
You know what I mean?
Okay, so you're in a long distance relationship.
You got one child each.
And you're already in a long distance relationship.
And now you want to take a break, okay, onward?
I have a daughter.
She has a son.
Yeah, y'all both got one child each.
Okay?
Stuff like that.
You know, just the stuff like that.
I mean, we're talking about children here, but yeah, that's just children, man.
That's not stuff like that.
Stuff like that is some books or something, you know, or some, you know, a box of hats.
But I feel you, though, onward.
Distance and all that stuff's kind of like not making sense right now.
So I guess taking a little break.
But I was just wondering if you had any advice for people who are like, you know, kind of depressed about that situation.
You know, you can't be with somebody that you want, even though you want to.
Or, you know, sometimes you just don't want to get out of bed and go to work just because you're thinking about all that.
Yeah, man.
I appreciate this call.
Yeah, I can relate to this, man.
I had a girlfriend that was long distance and I, you know, I loved her as much as I knew about love at the time.
You know, I loved her.
She was worth love.
You know, she was worth me loving.
She was worth me caring about.
She was a good person.
And I wasn't a good dude.
You know, I was running around.
I was, you know, cheating.
And, you know, I made some poor choices, you know, snacking on some, you know, distant crotch out in the distance and doing that kind of deal.
But she was, and she made some poor choices.
We both, you know, we both tried our best because it was long distance.
That was the correlation with yours or the parallel is that it was long distance, you know.
But when she finally shut me off, and it was really the best thing to do because I was just volatile, man.
I wouldn't show her as much affection and stuff, but then once she shut me off, I was like all over.
You know, I was, you know, then everything was so severe and we were so In love, you know, I was just like deep in that shit, like that.
You know, I was in there like that.
And part of that ended up just being a problem in hindsight that I had, you know, I had this issue of my own.
That was my own issue.
You know, it wasn't, I mean, there was some stuff about her, you know, I missed her and stuff like that.
But, but I didn't have any, I think I looked to her for more than a relationship.
I was looking to her to fulfill some role that was impossible for her to fulfill.
Like I was looking for her to be my happiness.
That's what I was looking for, man.
I know that may sound crazy, but I was looking for her to be my happiness.
And that's not realistic.
You know, you can't put that pressure on somebody because they'll never live up to it.
You know, they're never going to be able to be that.
You know, they can help.
You know, it'll be part-time happiness for you, but they're never going to be able to fully fulfill that.
And so I didn't realize I'd put that pressure on her, but once we split up, dude, I was just like, my whole life is over, you know, even though my life had been kind of, you know, we were long distance and we were, you know, my life had been kind of okay.
You know, so I found for me, I put like this invisible pressure.
And in the end, it was more about, you know, me figuring out, well, why do I feel, you know, why do I feel alone?
You know, why do I feel this alone?
Because it wasn't really her filling me up that much, making me feel unalone.
You know, and whenever she left, it sparked this thing in me because that's how I got, bro.
I got depressed.
I'm chilling at the house.
You know, I'm eating cereals.
I'm eating a box of cereal a day, dude.
You know what I'm saying?
Like a damn, like a mentally challenged person or like a, you know, like a second wife that's not, you know, pulling their weight.
You know, I'm just at home eating a box of cereal a day.
You know, and I was started doing menthol cigarettes in the backyard and I was just so depressed and I was putting it all on her.
But the truth was for me that I was alone, that I was feeling empty no matter.
And whatever happened with her just sparked.
It was a spark that set off that empty dynamite inside of me that made me, you know, just made me realize how empty I was.
You know, so I think maybe just, I know it's a lot.
It sounds like you have a child there.
So I'd focus on that if you can.
You know, honor some of those feelings when you're missing her, but don't let that feeling, if you can help it, try and, what is that feeling?
Oh, man, I miss her so much.
You know, I'm going to go, you know, I'm going to be depressed.
I'm going to, you know, not want to get out of bed.
I'm going to do those types of things.
Because then there's more to it.
You know, there's more to it.
What else?
Is there something else?
Are you missing?
You know, are you lacking a relationship with your mother?
You know, are you missing, you know, other outlets that make you feel like you?
You know, find some shit to do, I think.
You know, pick up a new hobby.
You know, just create more of you so that there's not so much space in there for someone else to that if they leave, that there's so much haunting, there's so much space for that haunting feeling.
Because it maybe seemed like maybe she's gone and now those haunting feelings are just bouncing off the walls inside you and there's so much emptiness inside of you because you're not filled up with some of yourself or more of yourself.
And those are just some thoughts, man, because that's what my problem was.
In the end, there wasn't enough of me inside of me, you know, to hold me up.
You know, no matter who came along, you know, and filled in that other space, I needed to give them less space inside of me, you know, so that if they came or went, I was still had enough fortitude to hold myself up, no matter who that was that came along.
So, and I don't know what some of those things are.
It could be, you know, finding a local group.
You know, there's a group online called Mankind, I know, that helps men get there, you know, just be men, you know, and fill ourselves up, you know, with whatever we need to be better men in a relationship or out of a relationship.
And those are just thoughts, man, you know.
But I do feel some of your pain, man, and just know you're not alone in that game, bruh.
I'm saying I've been out on those fucking pain streets, dude.
Laying at my stepparents' house, fucking eating snacks, dude.
Dude, I remember one time laying on the ground and just pouring a full fucking can of planter's nuts into my mouth, dude.
And just wishing the devil would take me or that the Lord would send me on.
That's what I remember, dude.
And that shit ain't, some woman didn't really do that to me in hindsight.
Something was empty inside of me.
And I was trying to fill it with these canned nuts, you know, and asking for the devil.
So, but I appreciate your call, man.
That's a good bit of calls.
We have some other cool ones, man.
We got a call about a sperm center that I wanted to get to, but I'm not going to get to it today because, you know, I just feel like I don't like taking up too much of y'all's time.
But actually, you know what, man?
I'll put some, I got to do some extra stuff for the Patreon.
I want to thank my Patreon supporters.
And I want to thank all of my listeners, man.
And I want to thank the callers, 985-664-9503, hit the hotline, you know.
And that's it.
You know, it's, you know, we're all battling something.
You know, and that's something to remember, whether you feeling short in stature, you know, whether you feeling, you know, if you get into a threesome, how will I hold up?
You know, will I still be able to, you know, take my man, you know, be a man?
Talk to your wife before you go in.
You guys are on the same team in that thing.
You know, it's like the old school.
It's like, you know, it's like Sean Michaels and Marty Jannetti, the rockers, versus Hawk and Animal.
You know, it's like an old wrestling.
You know, that's like wrestling.
You know, a force and that's like wrestling.
Go in there with a teammate.
You know, have a referee.
Hire a referee even to make sure that everything runs smoothly if you need to in that instance.
But we all have questions.
You know, we all have questions every day that we're asking ourselves and that we're asking each other.
You know, and sometimes get somebody else's perception.
And try not to make things too heavy if you can.
You know, you might be a little shorter this time, man.
Maybe you five this time.
But maybe next time you 6'4, and you're a brother and you dunking on people, you know, in the mean streets of Chicago.
So you don't know what you're going to get next time, you know, and this is all part-time.
But just don't be alone out there.
Ask somebody for help if you need help, if you need assistance, if you need just somebody else to shoulder your burden, man.
Because once you tell somebody else your problem, instead of sitting on two shoulders, now it's riding on four, baby, a little bit lighter, isn't it?
But I appreciate you guys hitting me up, man.
I'm going to fucking try to keep my shit together, dude.
Jeepers.
You know, I just, I sometimes just get selfish, man.
That's what I find.
I just want to, you know, I don't want to do things sometimes for other people, and I want to just think about myself.
That's something that I've been, you know, I just got to, we got to get free of ourselves, man.
We got to.
We got to.
I appreciate you guys.
Be well, man.
Take care of yourselves.
Let's hit this original on the way out.
This is Spencer Jacob Growl Band.
celebrate Celebrate it, man.
Celebrate Missouri.
You know that's so good.
Celebrate it.
Don't take things too seriously, you know.
If somebody's dying, finish your fries.
You know what I'm saying?
Celebrate dark days.
Celebrate all your pain.
Life's serious enough, dude.
Go home.
Love your family.
yourself.
*music*
That'll help, man.
Thank you guys for being here for me today.
This week.
This past weekend.
You guys take care.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweetheart.
Easy to you.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is.
Tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
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