Goblins. Knee Jerk Reactions. Callers Callers Callers. Next week back to the old format. See how things are going. Happy October. **This was recorded Sunday evening before the Vegas tragedy. Thoughts and prayers with that city and the lives affected and lost. ** www.patreon.com/theovon October 10th Hollywood Improv- http://bit.ly/2hGAbaW New 2016 Tour Shirts w/ dates avail Mon evening at theovon.com/store Thank you for the support and please subscribeSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Okay.
I know some of you guys are tired of the intrim music.
Well, if you are, just listen to it again.
Celebrate living.
Celebrate misery.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Sorry, that's a little bit muerto.
That's a little bit muerto in that Spanish for death.
Because you die in other countries too, in Spain, Portugal, Africa.
Everywhere you go, you die, brother.
And that's the crazy part.
And I'm sorry to start us off like that, but that's not what's happening right now.
Right now, we are in the live category.
We're checking that live box.
If somebody passed you a note right now and it said, do you live, yes or no, you would check yes because you're alive.
Sorry.
I know some of you guys, it's a sentence almost that you have to deal with.
While some people seem to just be able to embrace it and just have joy just jumping out of their dang skin, you know?
Just like joy is just repelling out of their armpits and just spelunking out of their nose, you know, constantly.
And some people have that natural joy.
That's what I call that.
That natural joy.
T-N-J.
Not to be confused with T-M-J, which is lockjaw.
And lockjaw is something you could get.
It was Rabies' little brother.
Because I grew up, you know, a lot of people know in the Rabies belt.
A lot of rabies, a lot of lice, body bugs, you know.
We had one fella was always scratching his neck and they would have to, you know, put these, almost make him like a mummy because he was scratching his neck so much.
Because he got the body bugs.
And people get different types of stuff, you know, and that's one thing that he got.
But TMJ was also, it was, I think, something like lock jaw where you couldn't eat for a while.
It was like a diet, but one that basically your central nervous system enforced a diet on you and you couldn't open your mouth.
And that was something I remember my mother told me, be careful out there because you could get locked jaw.
And especially around this time of year, you know, I find that October, do you realize it's October?
Do you realize you can eat candy all month long and nobody will judge you?
You could be at a funeral and break out a snicker, you know, a baby snicker, and nobody's going to judge you heavily because that's natural.
Because it's that time, you know.
I mean, you could just, you know, you could crack open a pixie stick and bust a couple of rails right up your snout, you know, like, like freaking like coca luffagus, you know, like snortolufagus, bruh.
You could do a couple grams of grape pixie powder and nobody's heavily going to judge you.
And that's because it's Halloween time.
And Halloween always feels, I mean, it's the best.
I mean, you could dress up like a fucking ghost and go to Burger King tomorrow and people will just think that, you know, you're just trying to get a head start on the year.
I mean, we had a girl in our neighborhood that would go trick-or-treating year-round.
And some people thought she was mentally challenged, you know, maybe had a little speck of the tism on her.
Because I grew up in the tism belt as well.
And that's basically a lot of the South and Midwest.
Tism is heavy out there.
You know, tism drips heavy.
It drips heavy in the genetic caverns out there.
You know, it just drips off the ceiling.
And every now and then a drop catches somebody.
And they get caught up.
Their feelings and emotions and the way that they live.
Their life gets caught up.
And that's autism.
And everybody's got a little bit of it.
And I'm sure I had a splash hit me on the back when I was going through the genetic caverns into the universe.
And I got a touch.
Because I'll see a lot of times Autistic Kids and they flare up kind of when I come by a little.
It's almost like if a dog hears something in the distance.
And I'm not referring to Autistic Children as animals or Autistic Humans.
I'm not doing that at all.
But I'm saying that they'll have that same, you ever see like a dog, like if a dog is far away and you make a sound and the dog looks.
That's a lot of time what happened with me when I get around people that have mental disabilities because they know that the thread in me is recently removed from the quilt that they're made of, that I'm partisan, that I'm partisan to whatever they got.
And I've always thought that.
I've always felt a little bit on the, people say on the spectrum, but I say on the, I don't want to say on the rainbow, but I say on the water slide of autism because it's a wild ride.
But happy October, guys.
Happy October 1st.
Oh, wait, it's October 2nd.
It's October 2nd.
I'm recording this on October 1st.
I hope you had a good weekend.
I hope people got into the football.
We got some people that called in about that, about some of the different kneeling, a lot of the unique perspectives on it.
And so we're going to rifle through some of those in a little bit.
We got Ari Manis coming back in.
I know people hate him.
Some people love him.
So we're just going to figure out, we're going to try it again, a little bit of a flow.
We can see how that goes.
And what else is going on in my world?
I mean, recently I've been, I'll give you a sensual update.
I'm in seven days of no masturbation.
And for me, that's good.
And so I'm feeling pretty hopeful about that.
One of my problems is a lot of times once I tell people I'm doing something, I screw it up.
You know, like the second, like, you know, I'll say that to you guys and I'll get excited.
I'll get caught up in my own hope.
And then it just, you know, it's like that creates a bad recipe inside of me that then somehow I end up, you know, looking at masturbation or touching myself.
And I don't want to be doing that anymore.
I don't want to be touching myself.
Why?
Because I'm an adult.
You know, and I've been touched.
Trust me, I've been touched enough by myself.
I've given myself enough easy access to my wiener and to my body.
And so I think it's time sometimes to start to cage myself up from myself and have a little bit more respect for my seed.
What else, dude?
Oh, I watched this show, Last Chance You.
I don't know if you've seen this, but I used to work over in Mississippi.
I worked on a farm over there for a couple of summers in a row, two, three summers.
They're right on the, actually right on the Louisiana-Mississippi border.
And this show on Netflix, Last Chance You, is about mostly African-American, black boys that play football at a school called Eastern Mississippi Community College.
And it really kind of captures a little bit of that slow vibe that goes on in a lot of small towns.
If you get a chance, man, I heavily recommend that.
It's a pretty good show.
This past weekend.
Yeah, that October, I remember when I was young, doing Halloween was always a special time, you know?
I remember in high school eating mushrooms, you know, psychedelic mushrooms, little trip snacks, brain mentos, basically mentos for your soul.
I mean, you pop a couple.
I mean, the first time we went to get some mushrooms, I went with some kids who'd already gotten them before, and so they were fired up.
And we went there, and I'd never seen as many mushrooms in my entire life, not even at a grocery.
And we got, literally, we got probably half of a black, big black garbage bag full of mushrooms.
And we took them to a party.
And at the party, people ate them.
We went inside the party, people ate them.
And about an hour later, there was probably maybe 40 people at the party.
An hour later, nobody was in the house, but everybody was still at the party.
People were lost in the woods.
People were trapped.
Some people were trapped behind the swimming pool, even though there was no way to get trapped behind it because it was just a round pool.
People were playing hide and go seek with themselves.
Two kids were in the bathroom and didn't know each other was in the bathroom.
I mean, people were, I mean, you could just hear people's souls just jerking off in the distance.
You know, it was like, I mean, it was just like bison were just roaming through people's souls for the first time.
And then Indians were showing up and hunting them.
And that's what was going on.
You could feel people shifting.
You could feel people shifting gears mentally and emotionally at the same time when people were bent out on them mushrooms on that Halloween.
And then, now we had a lot of mushrooms.
So those went on for a few days and children were eating them.
And they, I remember dressing up like, Where's Waldo?
And I got in a powdered sugar fight with a couple of people who I didn't know, which is fun at first, but anytime you're fighting with condiments, fun at first, violent at the end.
You know what I'm saying?
Crack open a packet of mustard on somebody.
It's cute for about 40 seconds.
And then shit escalates.
You know, and next thing you know, you're trying to fucking hide chunks of relish in people's tear ducts and shit.
And that's when shit escalates.
But I remember a buddy of mine, this kid Todd, drank some gasoline, high on mushrooms.
He was jacked up on something, you know, and he fucked up at the service station.
Time Saver.
The service station bias used to be called Time Saver because I guess they assumed that if you stopped there, you were going to save you a couple extra seconds.
But old Todd, he really earned himself a couple of extra seconds in the hospital, days even from drinking the gasoline.
But yeah, I had good times on Halloween.
I was Where's Waldo one time.
I was Peppermint Pat.
Another time I got jacked up on some type of uppers, and I was Peppermint Pat for Halloween.
And it's really basically you take some Long John's that are the pants and you take the Long John shirts, which is just kind of the same material as the pants, but it's a shirt.
And you sew peppermints to it.
Just tie the peppermints, you know, all over it.
Get you a little hat, a little, excuse me, like a little beanie hat.
Hook a few peppermints onto that.
And suddenly you get a cane, like a cane for a grandparent, and you paint it red and white stripes.
And suddenly you fucking peppermint pet, you know?
And it's not even a character, but it is a character.
And people are like, who are you?
And it's like, I'm Peppermint Pet.
You know what I'm saying?
Let me hide a little bit of this mint up in that ass, you feel me?
Let me breath fresh in that crotch, you feel me?
So that was another costume that I had.
I remember this story, man.
This is the first time that I knew when I was young, my father lived with us, and my father was really old, you know.
And so we would go trick-or-treating, and my mother would take us.
And my mother had worked all day, you know, and so she got home and she was a lot of time frustrated.
And my dad would stay home.
Excuse me, I have to clear my throat.
A lot of times you hear me clear my throat.
You hear me, I make that sound because I got a big lip.
You know, I got that, I got that, uh, that, what is it?
I got that, uh, that sashimi, that tuna sashimi for the bottom lip.
And so, a lot of water and a lot of coagulates bunch up down there in the bottom of my lip.
You know, I'm kind of bubble-gumping down there.
And so, you know, a lot of time water build up right there.
And I'd probably make a pearl if you gave me enough time.
I'd probably make a pearl in my mouth.
I bet when I die, if the last person who comes by my body just pulls my lip down, they might find them a beautiful, a beautiful, you know, geological treat right there.
And that's going to be a pearl because I got them coagulates.
You know, my mouth kind of flows into this place where there's no way for the water to escape.
So anyway, that's what I'm going on.
If you hear me making sounds, that's the sounds I'm making.
Because people sometimes will call in or email.
Some guy emailed one time, I can't listen to the podcast anymore.
You know, he's always drinking your own spit.
That's what he accused me of doing, drinking my own spit.
What are you talking about, dude?
Like I'm an orphan in the Sahara?
What do you mean, drinking my own spit, dude?
I'm not going to drown, bruh.
I'm not going to drown so you can have an easyly listening atmosphere.
You know?
So every time you hear me making that sound, know I'm surviving.
Okay?
That I want to be at other stages of my life.
You know, I'm not going to have my brother be at my funeral and say, oh, my brother drowned out because he didn't want to swallow his spit because he had shame about it.
I'm sorry.
You know, different people make different sounds.
Go put your ear up to your stepmother.
I bet she sounds like a piece of shit.
Maybe.
Some people's stepmoms are decent.
Anyhow, onward.
So I remember we had Halloween and my father would stay home and my father was old.
That time he was 76 years old, maybe 75. And my mother would take us trick-or-treating.
And I didn't realize at that time yet that my father was old.
I didn't, I mean, I knew that he was like physically slower, but I guess I didn't realize, I didn't really realize how he saw me.
You know, I didn't realize how he envisioned me or looked at me or if he did any differently because of his age.
And I remember we went trick-or-treating with my mom, and my brother and I had got in a fight.
So we were Raggedy Ann and Andy.
And both of us, we both started out as Andy, and then my brother beat my ass enough where I kind of looked more like a Raggedy Ann.
And now, you know, just my eye paint had gone out, my hair was sprayed out, and my Raggedy Ann outfit was all busted up, looked more like a dress.
So at that time, you know, I was showing up back at my door like a real biatch.
You feel me?
And so we get back to our house.
We'd go on trick-or-treating.
We'd had a pretty decent time.
And it was my mother with the four children, my sister and a stroller.
And we get back there and my brother and I run up to the door.
And my father came to the door and he looked at us.
And he went, he got the candy bowl and just said, you know, take what you want, you know.
And that's when he didn't realize it was us.
He didn't realize it was his own children.
And that was like the first moment that like, I guess I realized that maybe my dad just couldn't relate to me that well, even just because of his age.
Like he just didn't, you know, maybe dads forget.
I mean, my dad had just seen me, you know, an hour earlier when I left, you know, my brother and I wearing our costumes and stuff.
But I remember getting back to the door and he didn't know it was us.
And I just remember feeling this disconnect immediately.
This like this, it wasn't like a feeling of pain, but it was this feeling immediately where I understood where we were in relation to each other.
Like I knew immediately there was this divide where he just didn't, there may be, like he could confuse me with other kids that, you know, he didn't remember things that well, that there was just this, immediately there was this element that, and probably at that age too, that, you know, he didn't recognize me.
You know, there was probably a lot of fear that set in like internally then, you know, this feeling that, you know, maybe he couldn't protect me or something if he didn't know I was his own.
There might have been some, you know, nocturnal animalistic vibes going on.
But that was one moment that it really shook me.
And I was like, wow, you know, you know, my dad is old.
You know, he doesn't know that my brother and I standing here, you know, who don't have masks on, who have, you know, like headbands that have like yarn and stuff and are looking a certain way that he doesn't realize that we're his sons.
And that was kind of a wild moment for me, not to bring down the town.
You know, I'm not trying to drown the town here in inner saltwater.
You know, I'm not trying to, you know, put the saline in your eye holes.
But yeah, just reminding me of that, that was another thing that happened at Halloween.
Let me think of some other Halloweens that I went to.
They had this, my mother had a station wagon.
And a station wagon was something that, it was like a van, but for straight up real ass moms, it was like a SUV.
It was like the original SUV.
Like now they got these SUVs with all this room and this and that.
The station wagon, that thing was like 50 feet long.
Like your mom could be driving, and you could be so far in the back that you were a couple minutes behind her in time.
Like, if you'd have asked your mother what time it was, she would have said 11:44.
And if somebody would have asked you what time it was, you'd have said 1141 because you were living in the past.
That back seat was so far.
And man, it was fun in that station wagon, you know.
You could talk all the smackers.
Your mother could never reach you.
These SUVs, they got reachable children in them.
You could catch an ass whooping if your mother got long arms, if your mother's Nigerian, you know.
If your mother's from Kenya, you might get your ass beat, even if you're just sitting into the back.
But with that do, with that, with the station wagon, man, your mother could put you in there.
You could be back there so long, you could start a family.
You know, she opened the door.
Next time she opens the door, you pop out with a husband and just freshly back a tan because you just got back from your honeymoon.
It was that kind of thing, man.
You could feel like you were back there forever in your own universe.
And I loved my mother's station wagon.
But on Halloween, she would put the tailgate down and we'd get a couple of local kids and we would stand on the back of the tailgate and hold on to this bar.
The tailgate was down.
We'd stand on that and hold on to this bar that was at the top of the station wagon.
And my mother would drive.
She'd take us to the nice neighborhoods so you could get that candy, you know?
Because rich people had the candy.
I mean, you showed up at some poor people's house.
People, you know, I remember this one dude, what was that guy's name?
Cutman, Mr. Cutman, he would blow weed smoke in your face and blow drug smoke at you.
And that was his big Halloween thing.
So when we were young, we didn't get into that much.
But as we got a little bit older, it was fun to hit his door because he'd crack that door and just blow you a hit of that dope smoke at you.
You know, trick or treat, boy.
That shit was trick-or-trauma, dude.
One year, that shit hit me right in the nostrils, dude, and I was bent out.
You know, I was bent out.
Boy, I was ghosting, dude.
I had goonies in my head, bruh.
Thoughts.
I had goonies in my head, man.
But that was a good time, I remember.
And so anyway, we'd be on the station wagon, and that tailgate would be down.
My mother would be cruising.
And the fun thing to do when you saw that open yard coming up was to run and jump off like we were in the Air Force, you know, 101st Airborne Division.
And no offense if I'm getting that wrong.
I don't want to offend anybody in that sense, but you get what I'm saying.
We'd run and jump right off that tailgate and, all right, all right, all right, all right, you know, throw my, somebody throw my sister off, you know, and everybody just hitting the grass and then everybody would get up and make sure they had all their candy, half the candy roll out into the yard, but it was dark, you didn't know, you'd get your bag and run to the door, then you'd hit a string of houses and then get back on the tailgate and off around to the next street, you know, mother would go around and we'd jump off, you know.
So this one boy, man, one time we're going, man, and my buddy, my buddy Danny, and I've talked about him before, and he, you know, very slender neck.
I mean, his neck, if it was made out of anything, it was turkey bacon.
And so he was long, you know, and long people, you're more likely to catch a cold.
My dad always told me you're more likely to catch a cold when you're long because there's more of you.
You know, if I'm only 20 inches tall, there's only 20 inches of me where a cold can land.
But if I'm 27 inches tall, I'm a little longer, then those molecules or those, you know, those viral antibodies or bodies that are floating around, they can land.
There's more room for them to land, you know?
Like I'm telling you, it's easier to land on Saturn than it is on Pluto because there's more space.
That's what I'm saying.
So my boy Danny was long and he went running off and we were one, two, were jumping off that tailgate, hitting the yard, rolling over, running up.
And Danny goes running, dude, jumped and literally landed right onto a fire hydrant that was in somebody's yard, man.
And I heard a sound come out of that boy.
It didn't come out of his voice box.
It didn't come out of, it was almost like his bone marrow just let out a fucking shriek.
Like his bone marrow let out a shriek.
And that's when I knew that nighttime was dangerous, man, and that the devil lurked sometimes on Halloween.
He was never the same.
He was never the same before that.
But he was definitely, he was double never the same after he just jumped sheer darkness and just caught that fire hydrant just to the whole neck and body.
You know, and the crazy thing is you could pop that hydrant open and run water across him forever and he would never get back to normal.
But it is fall.
It is autumn.
And happy Halloween to you guys.
We're going to be right back.
Just a second.
I got Ari Madison's studio.
I got just a new way we're going to use him.
I got a plan.
Bear with me.
We got a few calls that came in about the NFL.
We got a guy who's got some pubic hair reconfiguration something.
And we got a couple more things.
We'll be right back.
Just give me one second because somebody just rang the doorbell.
I got to see who it is.
All right.
But yeah, it's that time of year.
It's the time of year where things are fresh.
October, I think, is a great month to rattle off the things you want to get done that have been plaguing you all year.
Set a few goals.
Knock them out before turkey time and before Christmas.
Because if you put your ear, Stick your neck out a little.
Now stick it out a little bit further.
What do you hear?
I'll tell you what you fucking hear, boy and girl.
You hear a turkey with a jingle bell around his neck.
And that's holidays coming fast, dude.
And if you don't think the holidays are coming fast, go outside.
Bend over.
And I'll tell you this, before you know what's going on, you will have a damn pilgrim with a fucking sack full of new toys hiding in your ass.
Because that's what I'm telling you.
The holidays are coming quick.
And we got a great episode for you guys, man.
I'm excited.
I didn't have that crazy of a weekend, so I'm just going to kind of leave that right there.
You know, I spent some time.
I go to therapy on Monday, so I'm ready to spend some time with my therapist.
I'm trying to get, you know, through tonight's episode so that I can get some rest and be prepared.
Sometimes I go to this therapy session.
I'm not prepared, you know, but I go to adult therapy for males because I ain't no wuss.
And if you're having problems, if you're having problems, you're feeling some emasculation issues, I want you to hit the hotline.
985-664-9503.
I want you to hit the hotline with some of the ways that you're feeling as a man.
If you're having a tough time being a man, it could be in any facet.
Hit the hotline.
You don't even need to leave your name if you don't want to.
But just make sure your story's real.
We got some great calls that came in.
We got a couple people calling about taking a knee, the NFL.
We got a couple of amazing perspectives on that.
We're talking about why we don't have camels in America.
We're talking about a follow-up call from a gentleman who, you know, we talked about it last week about what would the price be that you would let your loved one get out there and do sex with a stranger, an expensive stranger, a stranger that's got some money.
You know, the rich.
How much would you just let the rich just plow into your loved one?
And we got a call that came in about that.
We got some great calls.
A man got hair transplants from a place you probably wouldn't even expect.
And you heard the doorbell a little bit ago.
That's going to be Ari Manis is going to be back here and he's going to be in studio.
But the time when he's not in here, he's not in here.
This is our time.
And this isn't a time that I share with him.
This is our time.
And the time when I tell you he's not in here, he's not in here.
So I just want that to be known.
A couple of other things before we move on in the program.
I want to let you know that I am headlining the Hollywood Improv October 10th at 8 p.m.
I got about, we're going to do about 45 minutes.
Hot new material, cool stuff.
You're going to love it.
You can find those tickets on my website, theovon.com.
As well, I got the Hampen Ain't Easy.
The tour shirts are available now at Theovon.com slash store.
And those have all the tour dates on it from this past year.
It's kind of a neat shirt.
It's a few dollars price here because I had to get a couple extra colors put on it.
But it's a cool shirt, man.
And I think it's nice to have.
If you want to get that, you can go get it.
It has every city that I performed in this past year.
And what else?
Oh, I got a new series that we're working on a pilot for for Comedy Central, so I'm excited about that.
There's no money in it yet, but it's going to be a neat opportunity.
And it's all a little bit based on this podcast, so that's kind of exciting.
But I just want to thank you guys for being here with me today.
Happy Monday or whatever day it is this week you're listening and we're going to be right back we're going to have Ari Manis in studio we're going to check on him briefly hit a couple of news topics and then you and I are going to get back to some of your calls I'll be right back this past weekend all right and that is everything that you need to know also if you want to support the Patreon you can go to patreon.com slash theo von t-h-e-o-v-o-n
options on there to donate thank you so much to our patreon supporters i really appreciate it allowing me to get a new camera and eventually the goal is to come out with a thursday episode that better reflects uh responses from uh monday's uh monday's episode but with that said uh here's a couple of thoughts about um ari i'd say keep him on he seems like a good dude the one thing i would say though is just maybe have him be a little bit funnier hey
theo this is ivan love your show uh as far as ari is concerned for someone that you want to have with you all the time just pick someone that you enjoy being around and someone who's professional and someone who's professional be a little bit funnier and someone who's professional be a little bit funnier i don't know why they did that you did that i did edit that i would never do that you did do that you're lying now you're lying to me and you're lying to all your fans there's a glitch i think there
was not a glitch okay fine there wasn't a glitch man uh those are two comments that just kind of those are a couple calls that i got in you know and i didn't you said we weren't gonna bring up comments again you said we were just gonna skip past that and just go into the podcast you said we're not gonna talk about it anymore we weren't but then you just played it yeah it's on the play sheet yeah but you said to me before i said hey are we gonna keep going over the negative comments or are we just gonna move on you said oh yeah no we're past that we are past it and then you just brought it up
again but i wanted to make sure you're past it i was until you just brought it up again now i'm back in it now i'm back in i mean the funnier thing fine he doesn't you know comedy subjective yeah that guy didn't think i was funny some guys some people did some people didn't the professional thing first off i feel like i'm a professional and then secondly you making that little mixtape i was i don't know that's a mixtape you made an ari hate mixtape you my
friend kiovan made an ari hate and mixtape it's a hit it's a remix of a couple of albums okay a remix you made an ari hate remix okay which makes me think that you think i'm unprofessional no you think i'm unprofessional not at all that's why i was gonna actually if you to let me gather my thoughts a little bit i was gonna contradict what some of these guys were saying i don't think you were really no what do you think i was gonna let you just drown out there in the dirty water just letting me out here to drown that's okay i guess that's that i guess that's
what people want these days for entertainment no i mean look it's very roam it's very roam these days in the podcast world you know They want to see you get killed by a lion or fight a thousand squirrels.
You know, there were some men that if they didn't have a lion, they would get thousands of squirrels to fight men.
Did you know that?
I did not know that.
Is that true?
Yeah, it's crazy, too.
You're not pulling that out of something you think might be true?
No, no, no, no, not at all.
It's a real thing.
All right.
Cool.
Well, here he is, guys.
Ari Manis right here.
And what I want to say is what's going on in Ari's world.
I just want to do a check-in with Ari.
You know, life's good.
Me and my girlfriend, we made up.
Yeah.
Last we checked, you guys had just made love after the Grand Canyon.
Yeah, we had gotten back together at the Grand Canyon.
Things were a little shaky.
I think we're on good terms.
We went to San Diego together.
Oh, that's cool.
What was the occasion?
It was my younger brother, Jonah's birthday, and I lined up some shows as well.
So I was doing some comedy and was going to visit my 17-year-old, 18 now.
He just turned 18. And so we celebrated by going to the whorehouse in Tijuana, Mexico.
Really?
Yeah, the Hong Kong.
You ever been there?
I've never been there.
Did you take Jonah?
No.
Jonah stayed behind.
Even though he is allowed to go now, he's 18. In Mexico, 18, you're allowed to fuck whores.
Oh, you're allowed to get murdered at seven or eight.
You're allowed to do anything.
Yeah.
But no, this was just me, my girlfriend, and one of my buddies, another comedian who was on the show.
Okay.
And yeah, so we went, and I've been there four or five times now.
I love the place.
You just go there, $80.
You could just, you know, have your way with a woman of your choice.
Wow.
And now, do you feel any like emotional repercussions from that?
Do you walk out of there feeling like, you know, this isn't good for me or this isn't good for my psyche or something like that?
Or do you just feel...
It was like, I can't believe this place exists.
Yeah.
Because, I mean, prostitution here exists, but it's this really shady internet, secret, grimy, dangerous, maybe.
Yeah, it's like you got to like feel hide in a recycling bin and just wait till some kind of, you know.
Yeah, there's all, you tiptoe around.
They're not called prostitutes.
They're called escorts.
There's all these rules.
And they do a background check here.
It's this legal establishment.
Nice establishment, in fact.
Now, when you walk in, what is it like?
Is it like a CVS?
Is it like a ready med?
Is it like a 24-hour medical center?
Like, what vibe is it?
It's kind of just like the nicest strip club I've ever been to.
I've only been to a couple strip clubs in the U.S. And is it well lit?
How's the lighting in there?
It's lit kind of like a bar.
So it's not super bright, but it's not dark.
You could definitely see around.
There's $4 beers.
There's three stories.
There's jacuzzis.
There's stripper polls.
There's women.
There's people drinking.
There's parties, bachelor parties, friends hanging out at tables, drinking beers.
And so you walk in there and there's just all these women lined up up and down the place.
Probably, I'd say over 100.
Can you smell crotch in the air when you walk in there?
Honestly, be honest.
You don't have to.
Don't smell crotch.
What you smell is...
Cleaner.
Yeah, cleaning products.
And it's, I forget the name of it, but there's...
I think it's basic Mexican government cleaning products.
Okay, it smells a little different than the cleaning products here.
It smells like 99 cent store cleaning products.
So it smells like you're just...
Right.
Maybe the cleaning products aren't as good, but the people who are doing the cleaning work harder.
Yeah, they work good.
It felt clean.
Right.
And yeah, there was no part of me while I was there that was thinking this place is gross.
Because in America, yeah, you get a $3 Windex or Shinex or whatever.
It's $3.
But the person doing the work is putting in $1's worth of effort.
That's right.
But down in Mexico, you get $1's worth of product.
Yeah.
But you get $3 worth of effort.
So you go in there and you do it, and I've been there three or four times.
Now, were you nervous when you walk in?
Because I would be extremely nervous in there.
I was only nervous this time because I'm with my girlfriend.
Okay.
And she says she's cool with it.
She's like, I don't care.
They're just prostitutes.
They're not cheating on me.
If we go here, she was thinking she would get into it.
She goes, I'd be down to watch you have sex with a prostitute.
Wow.
And I think that could be, you know, kind of hot and fun.
Yeah.
So we go.
It's very Lake of the Ozarks, Missouri.
And that's swinger country if you never spent time in Lake of the Ozarks.
Oh, yeah.
There's a good, I wandered into a swingers weekend up there one time on accident.
Yeah.
Did you partake?
No, I couldn't do anything.
I could watch the bingo that they played, and then I wasn't supposed to get in the elevator from like 11 to 1 a.m.
because it was basically just like a fuck trolley just going up and down the building.
But I did press the button one time and the doors open and there was just a brother in there just putting down the hammer on some older white women.
But anyway, go on.
So we go in there.
She's drinking a little bit more than me.
Okay.
She gets husted up, which made me think she's uncomfortable.
Yeah.
And that made me a little uncomfortable.
And I kind of just got this vibe that she was just pretending to be into this whole experience.
Your girlfriend?
To be cool, yeah, to be the cool girlfriend that is letting me have sex with the prostitute.
So I didn't end up doing it.
I ended up not partaking.
Did it feel like a gang?
Because at that point, when you say that, the cool girlfriend that's letting me have sex with the prostitute, that makes me think like gang.
Like somebody that's in a gang.
Like she's in a gang?
No, like this is all some type of gang type of, that seems like something that happens in gangs, you know, like I'm going to bang your friend, you know, you stay here, you have this snack or something, and I'm going to bang your friend, you know?
It sounds like you know more about gangs than I do.
But there's like initiation type stuff, and the girls probably play along with stuff to seem cool and comfortable, you know?
Yeah, it just felt like maybe because we were on weird terms from our last fight and she wanted to be like who takes her girlfriend to the grand gets in a fight at the Grand Canyon and to make up for it, takes them down to a hooker house in Tijuana.
Yeah, it was just one of those things we I've I've talk about hookers on stage.
Sometimes she knows I had been there.
I'm open about my life.
And did anybody there know you when you got there?
No, but I did actually see one of the prostitutes I had prior experiences with, but she did not remember me at all or seem to notice me.
And did your girlfriend, did you tell your girlfriend you've been with that woman?
I did.
Wow.
I got that one last time.
And she was like, oh, cool.
And so, and I don't think that bothered her.
We're fine from this whole experience.
Nothing affected our relationship from this.
I think mainly, though, because I was keen enough and I picked up on the fact that she didn't really want me to do it.
And she didn't really want to see that.
And I felt that.
So because I'm a gentleman and because I care about her, I decided, hey, I don't want to.
I said, I don't really want to do this.
I said, you're prettier than all these girls.
You're much more beautiful.
Which is true.
She is prettier than all those girls.
Yeah, she's a pretty lady.
And I said, we don't need to do this.
We got some delicious street tacos right outside, a Mexican taco truck there.
Right outside?
Yeah, right outside the whorehouse.
There's this taco truck.
We got a whole plate of tacos for four bucks.
Together?
Together, we picked out.
It was delicious.
Wow.
And then we got back to my parents' house 4 a.m., crashed out on the air mattress, woke up, drove back here.
Unbelievable, dude.
Yeah.
It's almost like a modern-day Romeo and Juliet.
You know?
Yeah, except better.
Interesting.
Ari Manis.
Well, I appreciate that check-in, man.
I appreciate you letting us know what's going on.
Why don't you lead us into a couple of news categories?
First category, speaking of, you know, sex, semen-contaminated flutes might have been given to children.
So the California school officials warn that several school districts in Southern California, they were flute donation, musical donation from this man, I guess, started an organization called Flutes Across the World.
And now they think that the flutes he donated in, he also jerked off onto and then gave them to kids.
Wow.
Hmm.
I mean, that's...
It said in the story, they don't know how this came, how they found out, but someone found out.
But there's semen everywhere.
Like, it's like when you walk into a motel or a hotel or an abandoned building, you know, when you find a stray dog, you know, like you could go look on the YouTube, man.
There's people out there spending way inaccurate time with animals, you know?
It's like there's semen on everything.
We're made out of semen.
When you think about it, we're from it.
Everybody wants to walk around and act like, you know, it's this taboo product.
You know, like it's something that people are, you know, secretly bussing in from China or something or from Korea.
We're semen.
You are semen, dude.
I agree with what you're saying, 100%.
So a little on a flute from some kid who's even more recently of seed than us.
I just...
I'm sure they'll probably say Trump did it.
No, they're saying the guy who donated the flutes did it, but also doing the seed.
Well, you know what?
That doesn't surprise me.
A guy that has a bunch of flutes?
Yeah.
Seems like a guy that probably is jerking off on the stuff.
First of all, if you know anybody that has more than one flute, I'd phone them in right now, bro.
And the number to call for that is 911.
I say you get what you pay for.
They took these free flutes?
Yeah.
They're free flutes.
You can't be complaining about if you don't want semen on your flutes, then buy brand new flutes on Amazon.
But if you're going to take these donated flutes, yeah, you get what you pay for.
Yeah, that's the thing.
You want a handful of free marbles, dude?
They smell like the inside of my ass?
You know what?
That's life, dude, and that's God's plan for us right now.
All right.
That's the news, man.
Speaking of that, that's the news.
Let's get into one call right here while we got R.A. Manis in the studio.
Here we go.
And the number is 985-664-9503.
You can always hit the hotline with any thoughts, comments, concerns, or questions.
Let's tap into this right here.
What up, dude?
The name's Jeff Toy.
Jeff Toy.
Asian?
Chep Toy?
You're thinking of Joe Coi.
From Kentucky.
Louisville, Kentucky.
I just wanted to let you know that I, too, had a hair removal procedure.
This is in response to the hair transplant that I got almost 14 days ago.
I kid you not, man, but it wasn't on my dome.
It was on my face.
So, you know, I have a hard time growing a beard.
I got that engine in me.
And that means Native American.
I don't think he's talking about Hemi.
But he, and I know what he's talking about, actually, there's part on my throat.
It's almost like a choke mark where I swear my mother choked me when I was young that will not grow hair.
Yeah, I can't grow a full beard.
Yeah.
Yeah, that thing is way shoddy, dude.
Okay, well, no, that's actually.
It's bringing me down.
My bad, dude.
You know what?
It doesn't look that bad.
It looks like scruff.
Some chicks like that.
Yeah, it looks like you've been kind of living in New York, but outdoors.
Yeah.
In my family.
And so I can't grow a lot of facial hair.
Okay, guy.
Well, let's get to it.
So, you know, if you grow like a chin beard or a neck beard, you know, the hairs are a little greasy.
Chin beard and neck beard look a lot like pubes.
They do.
And so I'm actually going through the procedure right now of getting some pubes, because I got plenty of those transported to my face.
I'm a little worried, though, and I asked for your prayer request.
I just want to let you know, let you know that you're not alone in this.
And God bless you.
Wow.
He took it to the Lord at the end.
And I've been at Halloween before where we, you know, we needed beards and stuff and we would cut off pubes and each other's pubes because some people had better stock and use that to make our beards and mustaches for Halloween outfits.
What do you think about this, guy?
What do you think about this, Ari about getting that transplant?
If this is real, to me, that sounds like a prank phone call.
Really?
I thought about it.
I don't think it does.
You say you think it's real.
So if he's really getting his pubes to his neck, he's transplanting his pubes and moving them to his neck, I think there's a bigger issue.
Why is he so insecure about not being able to grow a beard?
Right.
Just shave your face.
Just don't be a beard guy.
Just be a shaven man.
You know?
I mean, it's just an old prison trick.
Like, in prison, a lot of times, if you read a lot of these old, like, prison diaries and stuff, and you can get a lot of these on the deep web, which is just like they've digitized prison diaries.
And you can read about the things they did at Halloween.
And a lot of the things they did was used different types of body stuff that they had, even dandruff that they would collect all year to make different types of costumes and stuff like that, you know.
So it's pretty interesting to hear, you know.
Like a guy would be like, you know, Tony Montana, but it would be like, you know, four or five, six people's dandruff that he would use to make the cocaine stream coming out of his face.
You know, and it's almost, it's almost spookier that way.
You know, when you leave the house with four people's dandruff glued to your cheek, you know, and your cousin and a pubic mustache made out of your, that your cousin grew for you.
You know, that's Rochester, New York right there.
Be a little bit funnier.
Oh, this is broken again.
No, it's not broken.
Be a little bit funnier.
I guess I forgive you.
Thanks for having me on, buddy.
You bet.
Ari Manus, ladies and gentlemen.
And I'll be right back in just a second with, we're going to get into the rest of these calls.
We've got some great ones.
This past weekend.
Okay, and we are back with Ari Manus is out of here.
You know, I think we're just going to continue to try this for another week at least, see how it fits with Ari.
I liked him.
You know, I like checking in with his life to see what's going on.
And I like having a couple of news segments that I don't have to think about and prepare so it can be kind of fresh to me.
But let's get into some of your calls.
We had a lot of great calls about the NFL and a lot of great calls about the sitting, taking a knee, the national anthem issues.
And I thought a little bit more about it over this past week, and I think everybody did because it's something that's, you know, that's in the air.
And certainly in the past few years, I find myself thinking a lot more like, what are my thoughts innately and feelings innately towards people that are different than me?
You know, where do I stand?
What do I think?
What do I feel?
I find myself doing that more.
And I think that that's great.
Awareness is eventually key in every aspect of your life.
But what I'm also noticing is and hearing about that the take and knee thing was very vague.
It was like, okay, well, we're upset at racial injustice.
Then we're upset at Trump.
And then we're like, it's a police brutality.
It was like, well, what's it for?
You know, I understand it's for different things, but it was just, this is the first year that I really felt like it was, you know, it just seemed, because if you, it almost started to make it so that the awareness stuff is starting to lose some of its effect.
That's what I felt like.
Because every week and every day, if you keep saying, oh, this is about awareness, this batch of cupcakes is about Black Lives Matter.
This casserole is for DACA repeal.
It gets to be overwhelming so that nothing is for anything.
Because if you're saying that everything is something, then nothing is for anything.
You know, it's like it just wears it out.
And I think people are starting to get worn out.
And I've noticed from different friends of mine that there seems to be this vibe that people are just tired of hearing constantly about blame.
You know, if you want to blame white people forever about the issues of the world, then you can start in Britain.
You know?
The civilization, humanity, civilization apparently began in Africa and Egypt, I think.
So if you want to go all the way back to there, keep on going.
We can keep cruising through the history books.
And you want to blame it on two organisms in a desert that got hit by lightning?
Or you want to blame it on two monkeys that met in the woods?
Or you want to blame it on Adam and Eve?
I mean, at a certain point, you're just going to keep, like, at a certain point, we just have to look at where we are.
And we have to look at what role we are also currently playing in our own problems.
Because that's some of the issue that I start to have personally is, well, yeah, I know that there's issues in America where there are racial injustices.
I know that some people don't have as good of opportunities as other people.
I know those things.
I think that most people want to fix them and are happy to find ways to do that.
But if someone just constantly just yells, everything is wrong, everything is wrong, at a certain point, they're not helping, I don't feel like.
They're not helping to be part of the solution.
So I guess I'm just trying to be a little bit more solution-oriented.
You know, and also, what role do you play in your own problems?
You know, like, yes, there's tons of problems in the black community, but there's also, some of those problems are problems that the black community needs to help solve, needs to at least work together with other people to solve for themselves.
You know, like, not everything is white people's fault.
You know, if you are, you know, and I hate to use black and white just as the only example, but that's just like the biggest example that's going on right now.
You know, but I just hate to see activism get diluted by being overused.
And maybe that's naive of me to think that that's not even possible.
And I'm open if that's if that's the case, then I'm open to be corrected there.
But I just hate to see, it's not like the boy who cried wolf, it's just like the wolf keeps crying boy.
It's like the wolf just says, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy.
You know, and there's no, there's never any real communication between the boy and the wolf.
It's just the wolf keeps yelling boy.
And at a certain point, it's like you can't hear the wolf yelling boy anymore because they just won't stop yelling it.
And you think that the wolf may have autism.
And that's how we came back full circle on autism.
And people say, well, Theo, you can't talk about autism.
Guess what?
If I show up on the spectrum, then I can.
And if you want to put me to a test, I'll take it any day of the week, dude.
You can blindfold me and put both my hands under a baby's ass and put a number two pencil in my mouth and I'll fucking take that test on my tongue.
And you'll be like, well, I don't know if you have autism.
Well, only an autistic person could do that.
So check yourself.
Let's get to some of your thoughts and feelings right here.
Here we go on the NFL take a knee.
You were talking about taking a knee for the Ansom during football games.
Now, I don't really see what taking a knee during a football game has anything to do with police brutality.
So I don't really see the connection of the protest.
However, as far as what my opinion is on them actually taking a knee, I think as a country, we shouldn't demand patriotism from people.
It's interesting.
Interesting thought.
Like, yeah, patriotism, you can't demand that out of somebody that they care about America.
That's true.
To me, that feels unfortunate that they don't, but it feels true that we shouldn't be able to demand it onward.
Demanding patriotism from people is the sort of thing that the Nazis and the Soviets used to do.
Now, if somebody feels a general dissatisfaction with their nation and doesn't think that their nation deserves patriotism from them, then I kind of support their right to do that.
However, at the same time, I kind of think the whole Elon for the Anthems thing doesn't really send the message of a protest against police brutality.
And I love the podcast.
Yeah, it just seemed a little vague.
It seemed a little vague as to what was going on and what was happening.
But yeah, you can't demand patriotism.
I mean, he's right.
That's how a lot of evility gets started in the world.
You would hope that people have it.
But I guess we're just in such a diverse and different and time now where people, some people have it and some people don't.
Maybe America is such a melting pot now where a lot of places you don't see that much patriotism.
You know, I mean, I'll be honest here in Los Angeles, I don't see it very much.
I can go seek it out.
You know, on Veterans Day, I can go to the cemetery or on the 4th of July, I can go to an event.
But otherwise, you don't see a lot of American flags here in Los Angeles.
You know, I think maybe some places are just so diverse where some people, it's not, they don't care about America first even.
I mean, I think some people do, but there's also a vibe in some places where they don't.
And that's okay.
You know, some people look at America almost as like an airport, it seems like, for the rest of the world, where you can come here and you can live here and you can shop here and you can get a hotel here and stay here and then you can go back on to wherever, you know, you care about more.
You know, I think that's a vibe in some places.
But I think you just have to find a place then that reflects a little bit more of what you desire.
Because then you can live in a reality that is a little more comfortable for you.
I think you still should recognize that there are these other realities out there, though.
But I don't think there's anything wrong with living in one where you think you're best suited for.
All right, let's go on to another call here.
See ya.
Hey, it's Logan doing some weird stuff down here.
Okay, Logan, thank you for calling.
Doing some weird stuff down here.
I don't know what that is, but I appreciate you checking in with us onward.
So you were asking about comments about the Nealan, and I thought I might try it at a different angle.
See what you had to say.
So a lot of times people want to seems America is mostly about convenience.
About convenience, he's saying.
Go ahead.
So like you don't see people standing up at the bar when the national anthem comes on.
You don't see people standing up at home when the national anthem comes on.
I'm not necessarily going to comment on the exact needling aside from I don't really disagree with it.
I'm kind of in the neutral zone.
Can't really do much harm.
It's up to the owners.
I mean, it's up to the owners and the advertisers.
It's not my fight.
They're using their field.
Okay, so he's saying that these players, you know, if their owners are allowing them, the team owners are allowing them to do that, then, you know, and that's where they want to use their stance to show uniformity and take a knee, then that's where they can do it.
You know, that is up to the owners.
And in the end, that's really true.
I think if a lot of those owners started saying, you're not going to get a paycheck, you know, I wonder how those people would adjust.
You know, because there's a lot of people in Los Angeles who, you know, were probably afraid to say that they were Trump supporters or were voting for Trump because afraid they would lose their jobs, you know, or in most of America or in different places and vice versa.
I'm sure there were a lot of people, you know, in other places that were afraid to say that they were Hillary supporters or they would lose their jobs.
You know, and that's unfortunate, I think, that we're at a point where people, you know, don't want to or can't, that we can't even be open to other people's perspectives and ideas.
You know, I think if it's a dangerous perspective or idea, we can totally not accept it.
But I think you still have to find ways to be able to hear it and to be open to it.
You know, because you might learn, you might change your mind.
You know, and change, I think, is always good.
Even if you just change your mind a little bit and take a little piece of what they know or their perspective.
You know, I mean, I'm grateful right here because I'm thinking about some different perspectives because you guys are calling in with them.
But that's true.
He's also saying, like, how big of an, like, people at bars aren't standing up and doing the Pledge of Allegiance.
You know, could you imagine that if everybody in a bar?
Now, in some countries, they may.
You know, I feel like if you get to some of these other countries, you're at an Irish bar or something and it's a soccer game that they might really get down and put that hand on the chest.
But I don't think that they're doing that here in America.
You know, it's so it's, but then it's, that's part of the being at the game.
It's like when you're at the event, that's where people do it.
But I'm also thinking, like, I'm feeling that even after a week or so of this going on, that people are starting to lose.
They almost just don't care what these players do.
You know, and not because they're black or not because they're white or because they're Latino.
And it's only a few Asian players, I believe.
But just because they're just, it's getting hack.
It's getting old.
It's getting old without us having more of a direction for solution.
And I think that it's getting old just pointing fingers and not pointing the finger also at oneself to figure out how can we better, you know, how can we better achieve the successes that we want in America.
All right, let's grab another call on Take a Knee.
Here we go.
Hey Theo, this is Brant from Tacoma, Washington.
Hey, Brant, I appreciate you calling, brother.
Tacoma.
Now, that is outside of Seattle, probably about maybe 15 miles, and that is a little bit of cowboy country.
And if you like pine trees and evergreens and cowboys at the same time, you can get that in Tacoma.
Now, sometimes people think of Seattle, that's fish country.
You know, and that's up there.
People, you know, they got men even breastfeeding children and people shaving their chest hair and making wallets out of them and all that kind of stuff.
You know, a bunch of dreamcatcher addicts and people, you know, eating homemade cinnamon made out of their own, you know, skin flakes and flavors out of nature.
But if you get outside of Seattle, not even far, Tacoma is a little more cowboy country.
So they might have fish out there, but they call it water cattle.
That's what they call fish over there in Tacoma.
They call it water cattle because that's the livestock of that salty H2O.
All right, onward.
I have a comment about the NFL players kneeling before the game for the anthem.
I think it's definitely another issue where the media is having another tool to exploit the vision in America.
I think there's a lot of that going on right now.
You can see it in the local news.
You'll get some polls of people that are going to boycott teams, and half of them are saying they're going to boycott the season and the team, and half of them say that they aren't.
And that's a good point.
Like the media doesn't even, if you notice with these polls now, it's half and half.
A lot of the polls, oh, it's always half and half, really?
That's striking.
Because if they can keep it half and half, then they can keep it, then they can make it seem divided.
And that's just interesting, man.
It used to be a poll was a real poll.
You know, and not since the election have I trusted any polls.
I don't care who the poll is from.
Because the problem is the people taking the polls and the people running the polling companies, the friends or whoever they're even polling, they don't even, those people are just like people.
You know, a buddy of mine runs a network here in Los Angeles, and he's telling me that, you know, well, the first thing we do when we want to see if a show is good, we take it downstairs and we ask everybody who works in our company.
Yeah, but 98% of the people who work in your company have gone through the same schools or, you know, friends who are already in the company got them the job.
It's just, it's like just asking the same person.
You know, that's why I feel like taking polls where you don't have an accurate group to take them from just doesn't end well.
But yeah, it's kind of fascinating that polls are always 50-50 now and that that behooves the media the most because it keeps people arguing.
And that's not every case.
I understand that.
Onward.
It says 50-50 divide, similar to what you're seeing with bipartisan affiliation and what people are doing there.
You have the Charlottesville issue and just a lot of division in America right now, in the U.S. And the media is highlighting it.
You know, the media is supposed to be a tool that helps inform us, but it's certainly changing something different to where it's entertainment and it's ruining people and it's giving us all false impressions of what's actually going on.
That's true.
It's a good point.
You know, and I feel most bad.
I appreciate you calling.
And these are some good points.
And I feel most bad, and that's not the right term, but I can't think of it right now.
I feel most bad for seniors who are older, who are in hospice, who are, you know, maybe their spouse has passed away, left for heaven or wherever.
And they've always thought that the world was a good, you know, a good enough place.
And they thought that maybe they're leaving the world better for their children or that they, you know, they raised their kids right their whole life or did the best they could, we'll say that.
And then now here you have, and they don't realize that the news has turned into this, that the media has turned into this element that's not reliable, that's not just sharing information.
And that's sad.
You know, that's sad because they think that then, you know, I bet that causes a lot of depression in them.
You know, a lot of new senior depression because suddenly the world that they thought was a better place that they were leaving behind, it probably isn't as bad, but it looks that bad, and they don't know the difference.
Maybe because of senility, because they're not as in touch with the vibe these days.
They don't realize that, you know, some of what the media is doing is not healthy.
But I agree.
The polls are 50. Let's keep them 50-50.
That way things are dividing.
You know, and I think that we are better than the media makes us out to be, than the news makes us out to be.
I really do.
And I think that these are good times.
You know, I mentioned this a couple weeks ago.
I had lunch with Howie Mandel a month or so ago.
And, you know, he's been a friend of me for a few years now.
And he said, this was right when the Charlottesville stuff happened.
And he said, you know, I'm happy that this kind of thing is happening.
And Howie's Jewish, I think at least half Jewish, if you can even just be half.
But he said, I'm glad this kind of stuff is happening because now at least you know who people are.
You know, before, maybe you didn't know where the guy across the street stood.
You know, what his thoughts were, what his real feelings were.
But at least now there's at least a vibe where you do know.
You know, some people are coming, feelings that have been hidden under people's brains are coming to the surface and making people think and making people act.
But I appreciate that call.
Let's keep it cruising here.
Here we go.
Thanks, EO.
Talking about the NFL players kneeling.
Now, I'm coming from a place of white privilege.
I'm a white dude.
So obviously I had white privilege growing up.
My dad was the tenth of 10 children.
Whoo, 10 out of 10. Dang, boy.
That's that postmaker's dozen, boy.
10 children onward.
Postmakers?
Postman's dozen.
Onward?
Lived in a two-bedroom house on a clay road in Alabama.
Oh, y'all got to get asphalt, man.
If you don't have any asphalt, hit up some gypsies.
If you've got any gypsy friends that live out there in the Midwest or whatever, they'll sell you some bad to probably decent asphalt.
Onward?
When I was born, he was making minimum wage.
And he was supporting my mom and two other kids.
He suffered from depression and anxiety.
He died in his early 60s from drinking and drugging.
But you know what my wife's privilege was?
Is when my dad told me, son, I don't care if you grow up to be a ditch digger.
If you do grow up to be a ditch digger, you'd be the best damn ditch digger there is.
And that's my privilege.
My dad told me to work hard.
What I'm afraid is happening with these NFL players.
We got these young, impressionable kids looking up to these guys.
They're kneeling on the field and the message they're taking home, the message these kids are taking home, is someone's eyes and get me.
I can't do it.
Why even try?
There's a whole system against me.
Why should I even try?
I appreciate your call.
That's an interesting take.
You know, if you're a child at home, if you're a black child, maybe even if you're a mixed child, I don't know.
I mean, I'm not these children.
You know, I don't have these children.
But could that affect a way if you see even your heroes saying that they don't have, that maybe your race doesn't have a chance?
Or if you catch that vibe from some of this, could that be negative for them?
Could that make them not want to work as hard?
It could be.
You know, it could be.
I appreciate your call, and I appreciate that thought.
Let's move on to another one.
And look, I'm just, I'm happy to have you guys' calls and thoughts here, man.
You know, this is a big topic that a lot of people had thoughts on.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo.
My name's Shay from Indiana.
Thank you for calling, Shay.
Indiana.
And actually, I just got a call recently said that Indiana was not the home of the Ku Klux Klan, that it was actually somewhere in Tennessee.
So I'm going to have to look that up.
Wherever it was, bummer.
Onward.
I served 12 years in the Army Infantry.
Thank you for your service.
Onward.
I understand protesting, and I'm not unaware of the strife that African Americans go through with police officers in certain areas.
And I agree there needs to be something done.
Police officers need to be vetted better, trained better.
You know, sometimes they're just putting crazy people on the streets with a gun.
Yeah, that's true, man.
You know, sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't.
You know, you wish that these guys got paid more.
You know, you wish that teachers and police officers and public service, those people got paid more.
You know, you also have, you know, decades of police going into neighborhoods that are extremely scary, going into extreme high crime areas.
So probably a lot of PTSD from past experiences.
I can't even imagine.
In addition to racist cops, in addition to the fact that racism exists.
And yeah, I mean, there's a lot of thoughts on it.
Onward.
But for me, when I see people kneeling at the anthem like that, you got to think about why we do the national anthem to begin with.
Is it just an unknown ceremony?
No.
We're doing it to raise, you know, to understand where you come from and the liberties and the freedoms that you have because people did die.
They lost limbs.
They lost lives.
They sacrificed their minds so you could live in a place like this.
Hmm, that's a powerful line.
They sacrificed their minds.
It's a good line.
Onward.
And I completely agree.
I think we need to fix things.
Things do need to be fixed.
But if you're going to use your platform, use it for good, use it for positivity, and let's figure something out.
And let's make people aware.
Doing a senseless act by just kneeling, it just causes division and hate.
But that's my high horse or my stand.
Thanks, Theo.
Thank you.
Appreciate it.
Yeah, it makes you, yeah, I mean, are we helping?
Is this helping?
Are we finding solution?
Because here's, I don't think the media doesn't care if we find solution.
You know, if we solve the problems in the world, let me tell you who doesn't benefit.
Probably the news networks.
Can you imagine if the world were good and comfortable, would we even turn the news on if we knew that everyone was doing okay?
You know, it makes you start to ask yourself, well, why do I even watch news?
Am I addicted to the hatred?
Am I addicted to the, you know, to the negativity?
Am I supporting it by the things I watch and the things that I, you know, click on?
I don't know.
I do not know.
All right, let's hear a little bit more.
Let's take another call right here.
Hey, man.
Why we don't have camels here in North America.
Seems like they can live in the rest of the regular world in sand and hot sun and just the sun burning the sand on their feet and they can get all that water in them.
I think they would do a lot better here.
Dang, bro.
I appreciate the call.
Yeah.
Why we don't have camels?
Why we don't have camels here in America?
That's a great question.
You know, it is because you go to some of these other countries and they have camels.
You go to India.
Oh, you'll see a camel.
Look out in the woods.
You'll see a distant camel.
You go to, where else?
You go to Africa.
Oh, they got camels out there.
If you got a hat made out of reeds, made out of reed pieces of greenery, a camel will eat your hat.
First thing you stand in there and you got a little bit of shade on your head.
Next thing you know, the sun is hitting you and you hear something chewing nearby.
And that's a camel just ate your hat.
So they have camels out there.
But in America, you know, you get around here and it's not like that.
You know, and I think part of it is because we're not as natural.
I mean, dude, you go to Africa, you get a rental car, they might have a fucking sloth in the trunk.
You know?
You go to Nairobi and you get a pair of pants and you put them on.
And they might have a couple of they might have a, you know, a lizard or something in the crotch of them.
An exotic lizard.
So you get a lot of these different countries, you're going to see some animals.
In America, you might just get a couple of pesky raccoons out there, you know, throwing dice and fucking talking shit, you know, and just fucking around in the garbage, making love by the garbage.
You know, we don't get like, we don't get as many wild animals.
Now, you get up into different parts out there to Montana.
You know, you might get some tigers.
You know, if you get a, you might get some mountain cats, even some aggressive lesbians if you hanging out by the gas station at night.
Because I got accosted by a lesbian out there one time.
I think it was pretty much a lesbian.
Aggressive lesbians.
Now, I'm not saying anything about all lesbian.
This was an aggressive, an aggressive lesbian.
Had a Dockin t-shirt on, this old band, Dockin.
But they have, you know, we don't have that natural, we don't have those camels running around.
And I don't know why.
I do not know why at all.
But that's a great question, man.
Why we don't have camels in the United States of America?
Let's get them.
Talk to Trump, dude.
Trump will get you some fucking camels, bro.
All right, let's hit another question here.
Oh, and this question had to do with last week.
It was if your girlfriend wanted to sleep with somebody else, if you got that offer, because someone on Snapchat last week called in with the offer they got.
Let's hear this.
Yo, what's up, baby?
Calling from, I'm going to keep my name out.
I'm calling from Toronto, Canadia.
Toronto.
Almost made love to an Indian woman up there one time, or pretty much a woman of age, but just outside of that.
And I went to Halloween.
I celebrated Halloween up there one time with the Shamwell guy, my buddy Vince Offer.
He went to a party, and he ended up meeting a white girl that I think he ended up making love to.
Onward.
Canada.
Just wanted to talk about last week, if you've let somebody else sleep with your girl or vice versa.
Maybe your girl's letting you sleep with other chicks, whatever.
Yep, you can find that on our 925 episode.
Onward.
I don't know if I'm I've practiced the dark arts, as you put it.
You've put the dark arts.
I'm a proponent of the dark arts.
I might be an elder.
I don't know.
Okay, see you out there, man.
You had your Allen Go, boy.
Onward.
Yeah, me and my girlfriend, you know, it started off totally healthy, as most relationships do.
Everything's fun, everything's new and exciting, whatever.
And as time went, you know, you learned something about your girl.
She's a freak.
My girl is a freak.
She's crazy.
She was into crazy shit, and so was I. And you kind of awaken the dark arts in each other.
So, okay, now you want to do threesomes.
And then it turns to, well, why don't we just have an open relationship?
Okay, so now you open relationship.
And that's when anybody can come through and shoot your dough.
You know, that's open season.
That's hunting season.
And that's when you're sharing your crops with the neighbors.
And that's when it can get a little ornery when you look across that fence and see somebody else eating your vegetables onward.
Okay, so now we're shaking our heads like, oh, is this normal?
Like, can we do this?
How do we do this?
And it practically ruined our relationship.
In the end of it, I was letting her.
Oh, man.
I was almost hopeful for a second that you figured this out.
That you had this.
Let's keep going.
Sleep with other dudes.
She got jealous and didn't want me to sleep with other girls.
And then eventually, because of something, some deep-seated, weird, dark art that I had in a part of me, I started to like that she was sleeping with other guys.
And she would film it, and we would watch it.
And it was like a part of our relationship.
Wow.
Wow, boy.
That's crazy, man.
I mean, you're in there then.
You know, if you have, you're watching videos of other men with your lady, you know, that's very, I want to say Roman, but that's even past that.
You past Roman.
Wow.
Let's hear more.
Man, that's not healthy, and I knew that, but I just couldn't help it.
You know, things progress.
You just get bored with the regular shit.
So, I don't know.
It kind of ruined our relationship, I think, in the end.
She won't admit to it, but I think that's what it was.
But yeah, let me know what you think about that.
Oh, man, I think, I mean, look, I'd be lying if I didn't say some of it sounded fun.
You know, if it doesn't sound fun to be just, you know, crawling down that dirty staircase on your hands and knees, you know, and you know that each step below you, and you're going face first down that staircase, because when you get naughty like that, you face first.
You know, as a man, you're going face first.
You're taking all your feelings and your, you know, all your senses.
Your senses are all in your head and in your fingertips.
So you're taking all those face first down the stairs into the darkness.
And you know that the devil built that next step.
You know, each step built by, you know, carpenter Satan or Carpenter Lucifer.
You know, you know that each one of them steps getting warmer and naughtier, slipperier.
But you keep going hand first on your knees down that staircase and your nostrils and your brain filling up with the scents.
Filling up with the scent of musky women.
You know, in best westerns and, you know, in private account credit cards.
You know, in cheap things of cocaine and, you know, and people wearing fucking little outfits on their dick and all kinds of stuff like that.
And you getting into some wildness, man.
But you keep going because that's a temptation.
That's temptation, man.
That's what that is.
And look, I feel you.
That can be fun, but that doesn't end well.
That's the thing.
That doesn't end well.
Or we would all probably be there.
So now here you are.
You know, you're a little bit burnt out.
You sound like you got some issues from it.
But I just say keep climbing, man.
Turn around.
Keep walking up.
I'm not going to say you don't have to always be good.
I'm not saying any of that.
I'm not saying God's going to save you.
I'm not saying any of that.
All I'm saying is that it doesn't sound like the safest environment.
And that's why the struggle is where it is.
That's why the struggle is to stay in the healthy relationship or even if it's, you know, to try and make a relationship healthy.
That's why we're battling it out with your spouse.
That's why, because you fighting that front lines, you ain't out there eating buttholes off the internets, you know, of random strangers off the internets with their buttholes.
You're not doing all of that, you know?
And that's hard.
It's hard not to do.
It's hard not to do.
All right, let's keep it cruising.
Yeah, hi, Theo.
Hey, I just got done watching the 925 episode.
Thank you for checking that out.
As far as the kneeling at the national anthem, it just needs to stop.
Entertainers have opinions.
Football players need to play football.
The NFL needs to play football and stay out of the political realm.
Trump needs to shut his mouth and become a real president and stop talking a bunch of shit to people to get him stirred up.
It's not helping anyone move forward.
I agree.
I mean, just as much as the media does it, Trump does it as well.
I mean, it's just almost baffling where that comes from for him.
I mean, it's just like a baby.
You know, it's like watching a tall baby with Twitter onward.
So this needs to quit.
It needs to end.
People need to come together and fucking stand up at the anthem and move on.
You know, we play football.
That's what that's about, entertainment.
So I just wanted to pass that along.
I appreciate that.
Wanted to pass that along.
And as far as sleeping for payment, I'll tell you what, I was married 21 years.
And at the end of my marriage, I would have paid someone $100 to sleep with my wife just to get her out of the fucking house.
So keep up the good work.
There you go.
That's love right there.
And that's love, and that's divorce, and that's what happens there.
You'd tip somebody who'd come in and take your wife out for a night on the town.
All right.
What else, ma'am?
I got some more stuff about girls and dating.
We're going to get into that next week.
I feel like we've already been into a really long episode so far.
We've got a bunch of great calls, and more of them will be on next week.
I'm probably going to get into some stuff about dating.
I've been dealing with some stuff in this therapy I've been going to.
I've been dealing with some stuff about my issues lie when I'm unable to connect in a relationship.
You know, I even get caught up with I got intimate issues.
You know, when it comes to being in love and getting, you know, a comfortable, consistent level of intimacy, that stuff, whoo, that's hard.
It's hard for me.
It's hard for a lot of people.
Dude, I'm telling you this.
I'm sitting in a doctor's office the other day and I'm talking to him about something, something that's okay.
And I mentioned this, you know, just in passing, just about I was going to a therapist.
And out of the blue, this man closed the door and then he started telling me the problems he was having at home.
And this is a doctor.
This is a doctor talking to me about the problems he've been having, you know, issues he having in his bedroom.
And so, man, it's just they got people out there dealing with that.
People out there dealing.
We afflicted, man.
We're all afflicted.
And that's okay.
We've all got a problem, man.
You know, but you going to be out there hiding it?
You know?
Are you going to be out there just saying what the problem is and how do you think we can solve it?
Because you could wear the disguise if you want.
You could put on the disguise.
Everything's fine.
You know?
Everything's fine.
Everything's fine.
That's the disguise, man.
That's your Halloween, bro.
That's your Michael Myers outfit you wear every day.
Or you could take off the mask, man.
You know?
You know, you could take off your mask and see if daddy recognizes you.
You know?
You could take off that mask and show up.
Show up with no mask on, no outfit, no costume.
Show up to whomever, to your boss, to your spouse, and let them know what's going on.
Let them know what's popping off inside of you.
You know, be vulnerable.
Sometimes you got to show up and be vulnerable, man.
So, and that's a tough thing to do.
It's a tough thing for men to do, you know, and it's a tough thing, I think, for ladies, too.
Ladies getting confused.
Ladies used to be our maps, you know, I think at times for vulnerability.
We would watch them and we would marvel at who they were.
And now sometimes we've been led in directions where we don't know, you know, we don't know where we stand.
We don't know who's who anymore.
It's a little bit confusing.
That's okay.
We just got to keep navigating, you know?
So if you, Lewis, finds your clerk, you know, get you a clerk.
It can be a buddy.
It can be a loved one.
You know, get vulnerable with a friend, man.
Share.
We just fucking out here, dude.
We out here.
We out here in space.
I don't have any shame, man.
You want shame?
You keep shame.
I'm not holding on to that shit anymore.
I appreciate you guys calling, man.
I'm going to take us out right here.
This is Spencer Jacob Growl Band with a song that I love from them, man.
Celebrate Living.
Celebrate Living Celebrate Living Celebrate Misery You know that soon we're gonna die Thank you guys very much.
You guys be good to yourselves.
I bet you deserve it.
Someone while we all die.
Celebrate Dark Day.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Aye, Suiar.
Easy deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jermaine.
Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no!
*BEEP*
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
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