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Sept. 25, 2017 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
01:21:47
9-25-17 | This Past Weekend #43

Theo gets into hair pyramid scheme. Thoughts, questions, ideas, soul issues, and constructive criticisms, hit the hotline —> 985-664-9503 Working on not making so many 'mouth sounds' on the mic. Back to original format next week, i think. Two ways to support: www.patreon.com/theovon www.dollarshaveclub.com/weekendSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time Text
This past weekend.
All right, check, check.
Got me.
There we go.
Happy Monday.
Celebrate living.
Celebrate Ms. Ary.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Let's have some fun while we're dying.
All right.
All right.
It's Monday, September 25th of the year 2017.
And some people want to say that it's not autumn.
Okay, but it's autumn.
It's fall.
You know, this is winter's little mixed baby.
You know, this is winter's little mixed baby.
And this thing is nibbling at our nipples.
I went outside yesterday and I could feel Mother Nature being naughty.
I could feel her licking at the ends of my limbs, at my elbows and my lips.
I could feel that naughty little bouch tickling my whiskers.
You know what I'm talking about?
And that is autumn coming.
That is Mother Nature showing off her fanciness.
You know, she's hanging all her clothes out to dry.
You know, the party's over, the skinny dipping and the, you know, the swimming and the drinking lemonade and the summertime activities are over.
And Mother Nature's about to shake them leaves off.
And you could even hear birds being like, and you see little birds that could be, that might not even make it through the winter.
You see them trying to couple up with bigger birds, bigger birds that are going to be able to take care of them.
You know, you'll see a sparrow trying to fuck a goose.
Or you will see a, you know, you will see even a hummingbird, you know, trying to, you know, get in a little bit of trying to get into some doggy style with a raven.
You will see things like that because some of these smaller animals know that winter's coming.
And that's all that's going on.
Thank you guys for joining me.
Oh, man, I'm excited.
I'm excited about this show today.
We had a lot of, we had, look, I had a sidekick on last week, right?
A lot of you listeners weren't happy about it.
I understand.
And he'll be back.
He's going to pop back in later on today.
We're going to try it in a little bit of a new facet.
He's not here now.
So that's going to be good.
We have we're going to get into some other stuff.
Oh, I got to tell you what happened to me.
I got hair rejuvenation surgery.
Hair rejuvenation surgery in my head with my own hair.
And what it is, is they take part of your hair out of the back of your head.
And look, I got enough hair for everybody.
If you got a bald child out there or something, you know, dude, I could, dude, I could put, I could make wigs for half of a St. Jude's commercial.
I got enough hair coming off the back.
And so a buddy of mine introduced me to this dude a while back, this doctor out here.
And next thing you know, you know, I'm in there talking to him.
And he's like, look, you should get the surgery.
You should get the procedure.
And I love surgery.
I've always loved surgery since I was young.
When I was young, I had a very small wiener, basically a wiener hole, the hole in your wiener, urethra or urethra.
It's one of them.
One of them is also a singer.
I don't know who it is.
One of them is a, I think an African-American meso-sopranist.
But the urethra or the urethra, my hole basically on my wiener was too small.
So when I would pee, I was peeing, I mean, I could pee at, dude, I could pee almost maybe 45 feet.
It was dumbfounding the distance that I could urinate.
And so when I urinated, I would piss big on apple juice too.
If I had apple juice, dude, I was basically a water gun.
You know, I remember my brother would carry, I'd drink a bunch of apple juice and my brother would carry me around and I would basically just piss at my sisters.
You know, because I was just like a weapon.
But it became a strain on my body.
It became like painful.
And so they had to take me into the surgery area and they had to cut, you know, recavernate, I guess, recavernate my penis hole.
And so, and I don't know what the exact procedure is on that.
I would look it up, but I don't want to get into my computer.
I want to stay in my brain.
So that's what I would do, man.
I got that, you know, I got that done when I was young.
And then I swallowed all them quarters.
They had to get the quarters out of me.
I had a spine surgery a while back.
May or may not have needed, you know.
But something about surgery and something about procedures, I think it's just the care or something when you're in there.
You know, when you wake up and suddenly there's people around and they want to know if you need anything.
And I think when I was young, I just wanted that care.
I wanted somebody to feel, you know, local, you know, and they come in.
It just seems like, you know, there's a couple people in the room you feel cared for.
And that's what I liked about it.
And so I went in, man, and people are like, dude, you don't need hair surgery.
You don't need any hair transplantation.
You're right.
You're right.
I don't need it.
But, you know, I don't know if that's part of my, you know, I don't feel like I have an addiction to surgeries.
I don't.
I like them.
I like Percy.
I like the, you know, the rigmarole, the signing in, and then you're waiting, and then everybody's wearing the same outfits because or same uniforms because of, you know, you're in a medical facility.
Everybody has on the, you know, the little shoe.
They put these little shower caps on your shoes, and everybody wears the, You know, same color stuff because they're doing a procedure.
And next thing you know, I'm getting the hair taken out of the back of my head, put it in the front of my head.
So that's what happened, man.
I'm going to take you through that.
I'm going to take you through that.
I'll just take you through it right now.
We're going to talk about the kneeling in the NFL a little bit.
And then I'm going to have Ari Manis is going to be back here.
And we are going to have him read some of the comments that people had to say about him.
And I just want to kind of feel that out with him.
You know, I did commit to giving things a shot with him for a little bit.
But I do realize that listeners want it to be just me and them as well.
So I'm not bailing on having REN, but I'm not committing to it yet fully either.
So we're just going to feel it out.
And that's life.
Sometimes you just have to feel things out.
So anyhow, let me tell you about this hair procedure.
So I had a friend that got hair.
And I'd never even met this friend before.
This was a new friend.
So this was an inaugural friend.
And I said to him, I said, man, you got good hair.
And he goes, well, I'll tell you this.
He said, you see the hair on the front of my head?
I said, yep.
He goes, usually you can't see that hair unless you're standing behind me.
And I'm thinking that, I don't know what I'm thinking.
Maybe this kid was raised in a fun house.
His daddy's a magician.
You know, I don't know what I'm thinking.
You know, maybe he thinks he's got, maybe he's on acid.
I don't know.
But he ended up telling me that he got hair taken out of the back of his head, put into the front of his head.
And it just blew my mind.
Because it looked normal.
You couldn't tell anything.
So anyway, fast forward two years.
I'm in the guy's office the other day and he's like, let's get it.
And I'm like, all right, let's do it.
So I got the hair.
And you sit down, you go in there, and first they run like a little bit of a woman's vibrator along your scalp.
And it looks like a little vibrator almost for a, and this, I'm not trying to be profane, but like a baby.
If a baby was being sensual, a female baby by themselves and was using like a little vibrator thing, this is maybe the thing that they would use.
And I'm not envisioning that while I'm saying it.
If you're envisioning that, I don't recommend that, but I'm just telling you kind of what this little thing looked like.
And he injects this stuff into the front of your head.
And then he does a vibrator right over it so that it kind of like just alleviates a little bit of the pain.
So they shoot you up in that forehead, dude.
So my head was doused up.
You know, I'm sober, but my freaking boy, my hairline was straight up drunk driving, son.
You know, I'm surprised I didn't wake up in a, you know, in another hairline's bed, you feel me?
Between the sheets with another stranger hairline.
So I got that, they put the injections in, and then next thing you know, oh, they make you take two Xanaxes.
You're taking Xanax in the beginning.
I've never been into pills.
I've never been into prescription pills or anything like that.
And people used to eat Xanaxes, and then their faces would get real skinny, and then they would have to leave town and get better.
I remember that from growing up.
But next thing you know, I'm a little bit woozy, and they turn me over.
Oh, no.
First, the doctor comes with this little tool, and he starts just pushing it into your head, right?
And they start pushing it in your head.
And literally, you can hear your head crunching, but you can't feel it.
It's, is it awesome?
It sounds like your brain is eating special K or frosted flakes, like something like that.
It sounds like your brain is eating cereal, you know, and just the first few bites because it's crunchy.
You just keep hearing this crunch, right?
This crunch.
So this guy just keeps crunching me up, crunching me up, crunching me up.
So I'm getting straight crunched up by another man.
And I've never really been involved in anything heavily homoerotic.
But when you've had a man, and this was a beautiful man, I think maybe from Egypt or another country, when you've had a beautiful man like that just put 500, 600 little bitty holes in your scalp, I don't, I mean, that must count for beyond sex.
That's after, I mean, that's, because sex is one time.
You know, that's one hole fill, you're in, you're out, you know, you know, you're swapping numbers.
Who knows?
You're behind the Shonis.
Who knows what's going on?
But with this man with his little tool, you know, he was getting full bore inside of me.
So I got all these little holes, then they turn you over, they flip you over, bro.
It's like you're an egg.
You know, it's like you're a piece of breakfast.
And this goes back to that care and stuff that I like.
You know, this is what I like about all of that, is that you get cared for.
And that's it, man.
They flip you over.
And then they got two shorties in there, right?
A couple of straight up, just follicle jockeys, right?
And these ladies show up with this little clipper, you know, and they just shave a little part into the back of your head.
You cannot even, like if you're standing behind me right now, you have no idea.
So they shave a little part in there, and then I don't know what happens because the Xanax took over.
So I passed out.
I wake up.
They'd ordered everybody Chinese food.
No clue how long I've been out.
But next thing you know, I'm jacked up on sweet and sour chicken.
I'm feeling fired up.
Everybody's friends.
You know, kind of flirting with the lady, the girl that worked at the front a little bit.
You know, I think she was, you know, she had a kid, but she was, you know, doing her best.
She was trying to go back to school, I think.
I don't know.
And next thing you know, they got me flipped back over.
My body's digesting Chinese food.
Everybody has Chinese food in their systems.
And they're putting these two hair babies are putting the follicles in.
They're replanting me.
So suddenly I'm a sharecropper.
I'm sharecropping for my, basically got my mullet put into the front.
And so people can say anything about this certain styles of hair, you know?
And people say, Theo, why do you have the haircut you have?
And I say, well, for me, this is the underdog cut.
You know, I look like shit.
And I know that.
And that's fine.
So let's take my looks out of the equation.
Okay.
So let's be what else are we?
Who else are we?
But when I got a little bit of that mullet now in the front, you know, I'm coming something fierce.
I'm coming out of the jungle.
If I commit a crime, they're like, who did it?
Oh, I don't know a man that had magic growing out the fucking front of his head.
That's who.
Man, if you saw a police artist sketch of me, it better look like a dang, just like a thundercat, like a lion.
You know, it better look like something that just leapt out of a damn birch and bit your stepdaddy in the neck.
Because that's how I'm living now.
So I got some of the back of my hair and the front of my hair, and it makes me feel good, honestly.
It makes me feel even more like a damn, just like a damn pleasure cat.
And you can't even notice.
So here's the thing.
You got these little hairs.
They just put them all in these holes, right?
So then you don't have anything.
You still have the same hair you started out with that day.
So nothing's new in that world.
You got the same hair you started out with that day.
So that's it.
So I'll keep you guys posted.
You know, I'm sure some guys have had this procedure.
Some guys haven't had it.
You know, I mean, I definitely worry some that I'm going to lose my hair in the future.
So a lot of that is anxiety.
And people can say, well, that's, you know, it's cosmetic surgery.
It is.
It's a cosmetic surgery.
You know, but yeah, I guess, you know, I'm out here.
I get nervous.
I get scared.
I don't want to, you know, if I can keep my hair for another, you know, if I can keep that front line fighting and I know I got them, you know, them soldiers in the back that are legit, then I'm going to tag team, you know?
I mean, this is WWE out here, you know, out here in these hair streets.
And I just tag teamed into the back of my head and I'm bringing around to the front.
And so I still got the same amount of back, maybe minus 600 hairs you'd never notice.
And now I'm keying up the front, dude.
So we're coming in full throttle, double dragging.
Remember double dragging that video game?
People fucking double dragging, dude.
Whatever.
I don't even know.
So I went out.
Look, I leave that night.
So, you know, I get all bandaged up.
I got to still go do my comedy, right?
I got this hair tourniquet on my head.
I can't touch the front of my head for three days.
And that part I didn't like.
That part brought me down off the high clouds.
I'm like, oh, this isn't even cool.
You know, it made me feel like I wish I had never done this.
And almost a week now, it was last Tuesday that this happened.
I feel a little bit like, you know, I guess, do I feel any ashamed that I did it?
I guess I feel like, you know, maybe, I feel a little bit like maybe my higher power or something had a certain way that they want me to look in my life.
So I guess I feel a little bit, I don't know if I feel like a cheater, but I feel maybe a little bit of shame there.
I also feel a little bit like, you know, like I liked being in the place.
I liked being in there with the people and having the Chinese food and getting the hair and feeling, you know, even feeling the vibrator on my scalp.
You know, I know that's kind of maybe homoerotic or something.
I don't know, but it was exciting for everybody, I felt like.
And then, so then, so then I'm back out at the comedy clubs.
I'm wearing this bandage.
Here was the shit part.
Nobody even asked me about it.
I got my head wrapped up in bandages.
Nobody's asking me shit.
Nobody's asking me anything.
I go on stage.
People thought it was a tennis band.
That's what my buddy tells me after.
Oh, people thought it was a tennis headband.
Dude, it's gauze.
Who you playing tennis with, huh?
Martina not gonna live?
Huh?
Because if I see somebody with a bandage on their head, I'm gonna check in with them.
I'm gonna see what's going on with them because that's a severe thing.
That's their head.
You only get one head.
And people are out here.
I got this bandage and that made me feel, honestly, it started a little bit of depression for me for the week.
And that was hectic, man.
I didn't like that feeling.
Nobody asked.
You got a buddy wrapped up, their cranium is all balled up in cotton and swaddling cotton.
And you're not even going to check in with them.
Some dudes didn't even look up from their phone, buddies of mine, just on the, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, nothing.
So I don't know.
That's L.A., man.
You know, that's L.A. for you.
Everybody talking shit on all social media about how it's the most loving.
You got a love one and this and that.
And then everybody's just on their phone screaming at the rest of the universe about how we got to all take care of each other.
But then you got a buddy that shows up in your visual streets out here in zone one.
In zone one, I say that's from 10 a.m.
to 2 a.m.
That's your primary zone.
You know, some people, my buddy Danny growing up, he had that bad neck.
So every couple seconds, the Lord would just involuntarily swoop him out of zone one over into zone two.
And he's looking a different direction.
But I'm talking about zone one, natural, when you have that natural forward looking.
Where are you looking?
Straight ahead, a little bit to the right, a little bit to the left.
That's zone one.
And I'm showing up in people's zone one, and nobody cares.
You know, I guarantee I'll walk down the street, you know, in middle America out there and somebody will be saying, hey, man, at least they'll say, don't bleed over here, you know.
Or somebody maybe give me a can of peaches or do something nice.
But nobody, nobody asked to think, man.
And that's as close as you can get to dying.
If I show up missing a leg, yeah, that's bad, you know.
You're down to one.
You still got one.
If I show up and, you know, my hands are burned in a fire.
And I got to, you know, I have to carry my wallet around in my hands because I won't be able to get it out of my pocket anymore.
So I'm just carrying around my own wallet like that.
You know, that's bad.
But that person is still probably going to live.
But you see somebody showed up their cranium all balled Up, you know, like a re-gifted Christmas, you know, vase or vase, and you're not even asking what's going on.
Yeah, of course.
So, you know what?
Maybe that got me to feeling bad.
I don't know what that got me to feeling, but it didn't get me to feeling very good.
And then the rest of the week, I've been in a little bit of pain, you know, dealing with that, dealing with the head pressure.
But everything's going okay.
And then we get to, you know, I've been, and I'll answer more questions.
If anybody has questions about the call-in, about the hair stuff, you can answer.
You can ask, and I will answer them.
You know, and I'm not a, I don't know a ton about the hair stuff.
I started to watch videos on the internet, but then I got away from that because I don't want to get into the whole hair universe.
You know, I love, I just like being cared for, man.
And you get in those facilities and they care for you.
And here's the thing.
If I get a certain number of people to get the hair transplant within the next year, then mine is free.
So I am, I'm involved basically in a pyramid scheme, a hairamid scheme, if you will.
And I love those, dude.
I love pyramid schemes.
You know, I don't think they're fair.
I don't think it's funny when people get trapped in them.
I got stuck in one as a child.
Me and a buddy of mine each put $1,000 into this one.
And this is back when somebody had come through our town and done a bunch of, sold a bunch of glitter mining acreage and shit, you know, when they were trying to trick people into thinking glitter mining was big and all of that.
And me and my buddy each lost $1,000.
And we'd each saved up all our money and we lost $1,000.
And actually, that might have been, was that in college?
Might have been maybe in the first year of college.
I don't know.
But that was all the money that I had.
Another time I lost all my money fell out of my pant leg.
I had it rolled up, and that was at a gas station in East Texas.
And that was not in any sort of pyramid scheme.
That was just natural gravity and poor choices, pretty much.
But yeah, so if I get a certain number of people to do that hair up, you know, so now I'm on that hair hunt.
So suddenly my life's interesting, you know?
I'm doing, you know, I might sprout a fucking eyebrow off a shoulder, you know?
I might, you know, I might spring an eyebrow off a deltoid, you feel me?
So that's where I'm at.
That's where I'm at right now.
And I'm on that hair hunt and I'm in that hair game.
What else?
I'm trying to go to the Impractical Jokers tonight.
My buddy Sal Volcano, if you haven't seen that show, they're four amazing men and they put on a great program.
So I'm excited.
I'm trying to get over there.
So we're going to get through this.
The other thing I wanted to talk about was the kneeling during the national anthem.
Take a knee, I think was the hashtag, right?
And I get it.
I get that you want to create awareness.
I get it.
And I think do the knee thing.
Do it for a game.
I mean, this isn't the first time this has happened.
Let's don't, you can look back.
Go Google 2016 athletes taking a knee, 2015.
Keep going back through the years.
Every year, somebody or a group of people, and there's been a stance.
And look, it's a good ground.
This happens every year for a few games.
This is the largest we've seen it to this magnitude.
You know, I think the media blows it out of proportion.
If some guys want to take a knee, let them take a knee.
You know, that's their choice.
You know, for a few weeks, I'm not going to really feel anything about them.
I think that there's better ways to get your point across.
I think that taking a knee thing is a little outdone.
You know, I think it's always a player that starts it that's kind of not that good.
Colin Kaepernick was okay.
He was good in his first year.
In the next two years, he was not good in the NFL.
I'm not saying he's not a good player, but he didn't do very well.
You know, so I wonder how much of that is just him, like if there's some energy in there that it's also him being disgruntled.
With that said, I think awareness that racial indiscretion and racial issues, always good.
Everybody needs to be reminded.
You know, I try and remind people that poor white people have had a fucking tough time in America and that poor people overall have a tough time in America.
I'd rather see somebody take a knee for the financial disparity in America that continues to grow.
I'd love to see that.
I'd love to see somebody take a knee for how gas stations are allowed to sell sour milk.
You ever gotten this shit?
You go get some milk for your children.
And next thing, you have 90 minutes, dude.
You have 90 minutes to use that milk.
That is the Jack Bauer of milk.
That is 90-minute Jack Bauer sauce.
That's that Jack Bauer bottle, dude.
In 90 minutes, gas station milk is going to be sour.
So you better get it into your kid's mouth, get it wherever you need to get it.
But I get taking the knee, you know, I get it.
But I think take it against some other stuff.
Take it against laziness, you know?
Take it against third and fourth and fifth generation people in America just sucking off the system.
You know, I just feel like there are, it just, sometimes the causes just get, it gets like I've heard it before.
You know, I'd like to just see a new novel way overall for almost any cause.
And for me, I stand for, I stand for the Pledge of Allegiance.
For me, it's not about me at all.
It's about the fact that I am blessed to live in America.
That's it.
That's what it's about for me.
Now, for other people, it might be about something else.
But I stand as long as I'm, you know, know that it's going on.
I stand.
I honor.
It's about the fact that millions of people lost their lives so that I could have this freedom right here, freedom of speech.
So it's crazy to, and that to me is something that's a little crazy.
It's like you're expressing your freedom of speech, but in a way that kind of to me seems like you are putting shade or casting a downward light on the people that sacrifice their lives for it.
So to me, that's kind of how it seems.
So I'd just like to see some taking a need for other stuff.
I'd like to see taking a need for racial violence in all directions and the racial inequalities that everybody faces.
Sure, do it for a game or two.
But let's also play football.
Let's make it about what it is.
These guys are playing sports.
You work at an office.
This is an office.
And it also is weird, though, that at the beginning of your office, they happen to say the Pledge of Allegiance.
But I think it's just because it's an event that gets so many people together, so many diverse groups of Americans together, that that's when they want to do it.
Maybe the NFL shouldn't have ever put it in, but I don't know.
The National Anthem is a thing that they put in at the beginning of everything.
There's a neat video of one of the Pittsburgh Steelers, and their team chose not to come out of the tunnel and be involved during the National Anthem at all, which I thought was interesting.
At least they're saying we might all stand for it, but we're going to stand for it in our locker room.
But they had one player who had served a few military tours, Villanueva was his last name, and he came out, and there's a cool video of him out there by himself saluting the pledge, saluting the flag and standing up for the Pledge of Allegiance.
I live here.
I'm happy to live here.
I'm happy to be here.
I'll always stand for the pledge.
It's not about me.
It's not about me.
And that's just my thoughts, man.
You can have totally different thoughts.
And if you do, call me, let me know.
I want to know more about them.
I'm happy to have my mind opened up as well.
All right, we're going to have Ari Manis in studio in just a second.
We're going to read to him and have him read some of the things that people said about him being in last time.
I'm excited.
I want to thank everybody who's been supporting through Patreon, and that's patreon.com slash Theo Vaughn.
You can donate any amount from $2 to $10.
And I want to thank you to everybody.
We are almost to 50 donors.
So I'm really, really happy about that.
And I genuinely appreciate that.
I'm excited.
The money's going right back into the podcast.
We're going to do some neat things.
Okay, we'll be right back with Ari Manus back in studio reading some of the comments that people made about him.
And this isn't to shame anyone that made them.
This is just to kind of get into that space of what that's like.
All right.
This past weekend.
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Ari Manis is back here, guys.
Ari, how are you?
I'm good.
You know, I've had a week to recover and do my own thing and fun weekend.
Have you?
What about this, man?
I'm going to play this for you right now.
All right.
Just listen up.
One of the reasons that I love your show and probably a lot of the other people that love your show is it feels like you're talking to us.
You know, it feels like it's just you and us in the room or in the car or whatever, wherever people are listening.
Hey, CEO, constructive criticism.
Constructive being the keyword.
I love your work.
If you're going to have a sidekick, just make sure the sidekick knows he's a sidekick and not a co-host.
It's the old 80-20 rule, right?
I mean, 80% Theo, 20% sidekick.
People come to your channel to see you.
Again, nothing wrong with Ari.
Okay.
A couple of call-ins right there that I got?
Those were fine.
Those are, like they said, constructive criticism.
Those guys didn't sound like they hate me.
Nope.
One guy was just like, we are here for Theo.
And the next guy was like, nothing against Ari.
So I appreciate that.
And I think there's some truth to that.
Maybe I talked a little too much.
I don't know.
I haven't actually gone back and re-listened.
The ones that got to me were the YouTube comments.
Okay.
YouTubers.
Do you got any of those?
Yeah, I have one right here.
Here, why don't you read it?
It's the top one on this one from a guy, Aura Glasswork.
Sounds Jewish, actually.
So let's see what he has to say.
He said, oh, okay.
Dude is a wacky piece of shit who gives a fuck if your girl buys a lamp, grow the fuck up, douche hat.
Yeah, and by dude, he meant you, I'm guessing.
Yeah, I think he meant me as well.
Yeah.
You know, and I think that was one of the more popular comments on the video, too.
That hurt as well.
Some of these video comments, you know, you're always going to get the haters.
But when the number one comment is a negative thing about myself, that makes me go, wow, the whole world just doesn't like me.
Well, do you feel like the whole world doesn't?
Do you feel like it's just this whole world?
Okay.
So you felt like it was when that dude said, read it one more time?
Dude is a wacky piece of shit.
Who gives a fuck if your girl buys a lamp?
Grow the fuck up, douche hat.
And then there was a little hat symbol after that.
I think I did have a good bit of pluses on the thing.
Yeah.
And that one, you know, you know what?
That one was funny.
He said the word douche hat.
Douche hat was pretty good at the end.
And I remember there was an emoji on it.
He had a point behind it.
Yeah.
So that, and that's the other thing that hurts a little bit, too, is it's not haters.
It's they have a little truth behind them.
I see.
Each one, you know what I mean?
It's not just someone saying, you suck.
Right.
Because they feel like a douche.
Did you feel like a douche when you were here?
How long did you feel?
While I was here, it was just me and you.
I was being me.
Yeah.
You were being you.
Yeah.
And I felt fine.
I wasn't trying to be funny.
I didn't walk away feeling like I was this funny guy.
But I didn't feel obstructive.
And so, yeah, that morning when it came out and I'm reading the comments, it stung a little bit.
Yeah, because I spoke with you that evening for a few minutes on the phone.
I just said, I said, look, I called you.
I said, man, don't let your feelings get hurt.
Just keep your head up.
We'll think about it.
Yeah.
And if I'm patting myself on the back, if I'm cheering myself up, I got to think you did 40-something episodes by yourself.
Yeah.
And then I come in.
They don't even see me.
Yeah, and it's weird.
And I didn't really tell them.
I just talked about it.
Well, I had a lot of fans that have said, look, let's get somebody in here.
Let's try and, you know, they want to try something new.
And so that's what I'm trying.
Yeah, exactly.
So it was a lot of change.
And I don't take it too personally.
And I realize, you know, when you put yourself out on this public forum like this on YouTube, you have to be ready for this kind of thing.
You got to be ready for the hate to come in sometimes.
This went together like a mayonnaise and jelly sandwich.
You need to look for your peanut butter.
And that's from Chucky Duncan.
I didn't see that one.
And I used to actually push buggies with a dude named Chucky.
And this was down at a Winn-Dixie or an AMP store.
Could it be that guy?
No, this kid name was Chucky, dude.
And his big trick was some of the parking lot was kind of downhill, right?
So he would get at the high end and he would get in one of the, he would get in like the back buggy.
He'd get a big line of buggies and he'd get in the back one, right?
So at the back, like almost the, you know, the caboose.
Yeah.
And he'd light himself a cigarette and he would just, he'd get the whole line going, I mean, pretty quickly, kind of going downhill in this parking lot.
And then he'd just smoke the cigarette the whole way down like a train, pretending he was like a train.
And then he would just kind of coast them all into the grass.
He had dreams.
He wanted to be a, what's the word called?
Train.
Train.
But it's anticlimactic a little bit.
But anyhow, I like the setup with the sidekick.
It gives a little bit of a different flow.
That was no lucky strike sent that in.
Yeah, there was a few positive ones.
I got a few tweets saying we liked you.
I got a few messages on my Instagram.
So it wasn't all negative.
It was just mostly negative.
No more co-host.
No real opinions, just trying to impress Theo.
Was I trying to?
I didn't feel like I was trying to impress you too much.
Only one person knows, dude.
Yeah.
Me.
Yeah.
Yeah, I wasn't trying to impress you.
No, I think there's an element where, like, we want to, you know, you want to, you know, best be of service to the podcast.
And that's one reason why I wanted to, like, you know, I've had other people that I've thought about, oh, maybe it'd be neat to try them out, sidekick, see how it goes.
Yeah, and that's really what I was trying to do, just be of service.
And I think the one thing I did do of service, besides the technical aspects of things, is I set it up great for the next guy.
Yeah.
You know, they're going to be like, not worse than ours.
It was like, yeah, I think whoever's on next is going to have it a lot easier for sure, no matter who it is.
But yeah, look, we talked about it and we said we're going to try this out.
Yeah, we're trying it out.
We don't know how it's going to be.
Yeah, you know, I don't expect this to be an every single week type of deal.
This is your show.
You have to get rid of that dude.
That was another one.
That was the whole thing?
Yeah.
See, that one, there's nothing behind it.
See, those are the ones that are like, oh, come on, at least give me something.
At least give me a chance.
Yeah.
Or give me some notes.
Can this fucking sidekick guy interrupt you anymore?
And I also, I put my own intonations on that sentence.
But that's what was written by Brandon Gray.
The concept could work if the side piece knows their place and doesn't get too damn frisky with the mic.
Huh.
I guess, it's weird, too.
When I left, I didn't think, oh, I was talking the whole time.
I guess I talked a lot for a psychic.
I don't know.
But I didn't feel like I was interrupting you and taking over the show.
But I guess maybe I did.
Well, we didn't know.
We didn't know what it was going to be.
And we still don't know.
But I do know that this time we decided we're going to have Ari come in.
We were going to address this.
We're going to talk about some of these topics.
We're talking about it.
Yeah.
See how you felt.
And then we're going to have Ari take over the news.
And that's what we're going to get into right now.
Ari's going to throw up some topics.
We're going to get into them.
Let's get into that, Ari.
This is the first story I got.
Virginia woman bitten by copperhead snake inside a Longhorn steakhouse.
Ooh, man.
Is it okay that I am a little bit fucking turned on right now?
Yeah.
She's cute, actually.
A lot of hotties work at Longhorn usually, dude.
Yeah.
The manager's a good dude.
He hires hot chicks and puts them in there.
Boots, and they come and they beat this saddle.
They have this thing where when it's somebody's birthday, they drag.
My sister, my sister used to work there, dude.
Your sister working at this exact, the Longhorn steakhouse?
Not the one in Virginia, but she used to work there, and so they would drag this saddle out of the back, dude.
It is so bizarre.
It's like, you know, some of those places have the birthday song.
You know, it's like, you know, happy birthday to you, you know?
Yeah.
And then at Longhorn, they drag this old saddle out of the back, right?
And it's got like mayonnaise stains on it and stuff.
It's a straight bust, right?
You know, like the manager's been just plowing chicks on it after work, right?
It's a real just, it's basically kind of like it's so like handicapped kids, I think, can like pretend that they can go on a horse kind of thing, you know?
So I don't know, I guess they get like a whole bunch of these.
The company does Longhorn, and then they give one to each place from, like, you know, maybe one of those handicapped camps or something, summer camps that went out of business.
So then they get these, they drag out of the back, and they sit you on it, whoever's birthday it is, and they put like streamers and shit on you.
They put a cowboy hat on you, put like a lasso on you, and then they sing happy birthday to you.
And that's what happens at those kind of places.
So I just want to give you some context.
And my sister worked there for a while, and then she said she wanted to get into acting because she thought she was good at that.
Because that job made her feel good about acting?
Yeah.
Like she thought just because she put on these shows, she's like, well, I'm doing, this is her, she's like, I'm doing shows at work.
So I'm thinking about maybe getting some headshots taken.
And I'm like, and that's where I realized that my sister and I have this divide that we'll never be able to mentally get on the same page, you know?
Because I'm not denouncing her, but I'm just saying you don't spend the $250, $300 on headshots because you're singing happy birthday to people at a Longhorn Steakhouse.
That's not show work.
Maybe sign up for an acting class.
Maybe it made you realize you enjoy that kind of thing.
Yeah, you take a smaller step.
Yeah.
Okay, so what happened there?
I'm going to read that headline again.
Do you mind one more time?
Yeah, sure.
Virginia woman bitten by copperhead snake inside a Longhorn steakhouse.
And what happened was she was going there to eat.
She felt something bite her foot.
She reaches down, and it's a baby copperhead snake.
And luckily, her boyfriend used to breed reptiles.
So he knew exactly what to do.
He took the snake out.
He knew what kind it was.
He killed the snake.
He called the paramedics.
He said, my girl just got bitten by a baby copperhead.
You got to get her.
They come pick her up.
They take her to the hospital.
They give her some anti-venom.
Is that hazing?
I feel like this is hazing because they're shutting fraternities down for this same type of shit.
You know?
Yeah.
I mean, in a way, they're biting their animals out there.
They have raccoons or something bit some kids in the nuts down there in University of South Carolina or something a couple years ago.
And they're, you know, I don't know.
I mean, I guess it's wild when you mix animals with humanity.
It's wild.
Anything could happen.
And is this the kind of place that says that they have any sort of petting in there or any animals in there regularly or no?
That's the thing.
It's just a regular Longhorn steakhouse.
There was no animals supposed to be in there.
And they just got this.
I wonder if they're liable for any sort of thing.
Cool little reptile story.
Yeah, it is, man.
I mean, it definitely makes you a little more excited to be at a Longhorn Steakhouse.
Yeah.
Because I feel like the environment in there is kind of mundane.
Well, for sure, it makes you wear clothes-toed shoes.
Yeah.
You don't go into a Longhorn Steakhouse after reading the story with sandals on.
Fucking hell.
And you look down.
You should look down and watch where you're walking.
Dude, I don't eat in sandals, bro.
And to me, that's a little bit homoerotic.
That's like wearing shorts to church.
When I see a guy's knees in church, dude, I'm out, bro.
All right.
Next story.
A cafe is giving its customers water soakers to shoot pigeons because it's fed up of being besaged.
I don't know if I read that last word right.
I just want to get the animals so that's why I'm saying besieged.
I guess animals pooping are out there eating.
And that's the thing amazing that's about pigeons, that they have the capacity to shit and eat.
It's almost like one way or the other.
It's like they're either taking something in their mouth or they're shitting.
There's no downtime.
Yeah, there's not a whole lot of downtime.
I mean, I've seen videos of people putting alkyl seltzer and feeding that to pigeons and watching the birds explode.
Yeah.
So, I mean, this is pretty...
Yeah, my father, when I was growing up, he used to pay this black man named Stoop, and he stood, well, his nickname was Stoop.
He stood, he had one of his legs a little shorter than the other.
So he would stand on this stoop, you know, on a little bit of a stoop, and he would stand there all day to make him look even.
So if you're just driving by, he looks even.
Now, if you know him and you get up there and talk to him close, you realize that he's uneven.
But my father used to pay him to take us to lunch.
My dad used to work at this little shop, and when my dad had to watch us, he'd pay this man to take us to lunch, get hot dogs.
And pigeons would always attack him in the park.
Because there was a period in Louisiana, I feel like, where honestly, I don't think pigeons, I don't know if somebody's racially training these pigeons or not, but they were attacking a lot of black people.
Really?
Yeah.
Or if black people were being mean to them, you know, at night and that you weren't seeing that part of it.
And then it's during the day the pigeons were striking back.
I think whatever, you have to realize pigeons are smarter than we think because I didn't know pigeons could do that, could be racist.
Yeah, I mean, I think it's just enough.
It's like that cause and effect thing.
You know, it's like, and I think it's, you know, I guess it was happening a lot.
I don't know.
I don't know exactly what was happening.
But I could see somebody who's either training pigeons to be racist or there's the only two things I could think that would be occurring is somebody's training them to be racist because you can train birds.
Yeah.
They have birds doing all kinds of stuff.
Think about something that birds do.
They deliver messages.
Boom.
That's pretty smart.
Yeah, birds deliver messages.
Birds, they're using bird organs and transplants, a bird tissue into people.
They made somebody something out of part of a bird recently.
It makes sense.
They have great eyesight.
They could scout little rodents from up in the sky.
That's fat.
And some of their eyes are so small.
Think about how acute their eyes must be.
They must be, yeah, they have great eyes.
So that would make sense that they could easily distinguish colors of people.
Bird's eye view?
How strong is a bird's eye?
That's a great question.
Oh, it depends on the bird.
Bird vision.
Here it says right here, man, and I'll use Wikipedia, dude, as my source.
Most of the time, it's right.
Sometimes it's right.
Vision is the most important sense for birds, since good eyesight is essential for safe flight.
And this group has a number of adaptations which give visual actual superiority to that of other vertebrae groups.
A pigeon has been described as two eyes with wings.
So that right there tells you pigeons are in that, you know, they're about that life.
And I could, so anyway, but yeah, these pigeons would attack this man when he would take us to lunch a lot of times.
And it got to the point where he couldn't take us to lunch anymore than in the French quarter, because in the French quarter, there's a lot of pigeons down there.
Yeah, it's not even worth going to lunch with a guy if you're just going to get shat on by pigeons the whole time.
At some point, you're just like, I'm going to go get lunch by myself.
Yeah, all right, I think that takes care of our news.
It's the news, baby.
Ari, I want you to stay for this first caller, man.
Okay, I'm excited about this, and I want you to stay for this first caller.
Sounds like a plan.
Yeah, let's get to it right now.
Can you hear all the calls too on your audio?
I think so.
Okay, great, man.
All right, let's take this one in.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo, got a caller from Albuquerque, New Mexico.
I'll leave my name out.
So my girlfriend's friend, a couple months ago, I'd say.
Now, Albuquerque, New Mexico, that's Dreamcatcher Country.
You've been over there?
I went to high school in Roswell, New Mexico, a couple hours away.
Did you really?
By the aliens?
Yeah, I went to a military high school over there.
Did you really?
So I spent a lot of time in Albuquerque, yeah.
My parents and I didn't get along, so they sent me away to a bad boy school.
Bro, that adds a way creepy level to you.
I didn't know that.
She was out there by the aliens.
Yeah, I was over in the alien country a couple years.
All right, let's get into this call.
So this guy's calling from Albuquerque.
I'll leave my name out.
So my girlfriend's friend, a couple months ago, I'd say, out of nowhere, she's posting pictures on her Facebook with a whole bunch of money.
So my girl decides to message her and ask her, you know, hey, how'd you come up on all this?
She got a new car.
She got a new purse.
And the girl tells her.
How'd you come up in that loot, huh?
Stripping.
Yeah, that's my first thought.
Yeah.
It's tripping.
And I hate to think that about girls, but that's an okay thing to think.
There's this dude on Snapchat giving money away.
He's having a little contest.
If you guess how fat his friend is on the dock, you get $10,000.
I mean, come on.
That's a cool contest.
I'd give it a shot.
It is a great contest.
It's like when they used to do those, you count the jelly beans in the bin.
Yeah.
It's kind of like that.
But now you got to count the eternal jelly beans in a human's physical system.
How fat my friend is, you get $10,000 onward.
So she adds him.
We try a few times.
We almost win a couple times.
I want to know what his guesses were.
I want to see a picture of this, too.
Yes.
I'm going to have to text this guy, and I'm going to see if I can add this in on YouTube.
I'll get a picture of the fat friend onward.
Dude notices that my girl's a licker.
And he slides into her DMs asking if she wants to really make some money that she could, you know, give him a night of her time for, wait for it, 100 G's.
Ooh.
And what about the fat friend?
I guess he's out at this point.
I guess.
Yeah.
I wonder what his involvement is.
Does he know what's going on?
Oh, that's called the fat and switch, dude.
When you put your fat friend out there and then you wheel him in the back and you offer up that 100 grand.
So now the guy's offering 100 grand to be with the guy's girlfriend.
Wow.
Yeah, they made a movie about this in the 80s.
100K, one night of her time.
You know, at first we laugh, start researching this dude.
He's having dinners with Diddy, all kinds of big names.
And not gonna lie, we considered it.
You know, but I decided that's the definition of selling your soul, you know?
So, you know, we declined.
But I told her, you know, let's see how much you could really get out of this guy.
Flirting a little bit.
Yeah.
Let's see, huh?
So a couple weeks go by after we kind of squashed that, had some fun with it, and then we kind of just forgot about it.
About a month later, he hits her up, tells her he's going to be in Albuquerque.
Aha!
Oh, I just happened to be passing through Albuquerque.
Yeah, like that's a real common thing.
I'm just rolling through the kirk.
Does that ever happen?
I don't think, not that I know of.
I know I would have never gone there if it wasn't for military school.
Yeah, dude.
They had to build a military school to even get people to come and check the joint out.
Mark Marin's from Albuquerque.
Is he really?
Yeah, side note.
That actually doesn't even surprise me.
He seems like a desolate kid from Albuquerque.
All right.
Let's hear the end of this here.
P. Up to his offer of $300,000.
And, you know, we're kind of solid on our stance of not taking the money, but damn, Theo, I just want your opinion on this type of situation.
We both got a lot of student loans.
Yeah, man.
Let me know.
Love the podcast.
Wow.
And I didn't mean to cut you off there, bud.
I appreciate you calling.
Yeah, there was a movie, Indecent Proposal, and that was A Billionaire Offers a Million Dollars to a Young Married Couple for One Night with the Wife.
So this guy, I mean, that's, so I guess that's happening.
Talking about, this sounds very Saudi Arabian to me.
Yeah, like a prince.
Did you feel that?
Not till you just said it.
Yeah.
But yeah, totally.
And that might be racism by me, but when I first heard this, I was like, oh, I know who's the kind of guy that's doing this.
Like, I see it out here a lot.
Yeah, it's like a Middle Eastern prince.
Yes.
Because, I mean, that's a lot of money, too.
$300,000?
They message Instagram models.
I met an Instagram model, and she's like, yeah, I get messages from princes all the time trying to fly me out there.
Really?
Yeah.
But, I mean, 300,000, that's a lot.
I give him props for turning that down.
That'd be hard to turn down, especially, like he said, he didn't have a lot of money.
He has student debt.
Yeah.
He must really love that girl, so I hope they're still together and doing good.
That's cool.
Well, look, I appreciate you calling in, bud.
I want to say it's cool.
I mean, it's a story.
It's a real thing.
I mean, I was at the comedy store last night, and there's this guy I could see at the end.
The guy wanted to take a photo with me as I'm leaving, right?
Just, you know, it doesn't happen to me all the time.
It happens to me sometimes there.
I've just been on stage, blah, blah, blah.
So I'm doing that, and I can tell that the girl he's with, like, they don't know each other that well.
There's just this vibe.
Like, what's kind of the situation here, you know?
And then I could see it's one of these sugar models or, you know, these websites where you pay a couple hundred bucks, you take the girl out for the night.
Sex isn't guaranteed.
It could happen.
There might be more to it.
And man, there's a lot of girls out here caught up in that business.
Yeah.
It's a tough town, man.
It's a tough town, but also like, I mean, I could be out there sucking dick, you know?
I'm an eight.
I'm an eight with a decent, you know, you know, future possible.
It's getting better each week.
I got the mullet.
I got the, my mullet is about to be in the front of my head.
People don't realize the magic.
I'm going to look like a lion.
You already do, man.
Even if the middle falls out, I'm still going to have this beautiful front row right here.
But, you know, these are people's daughters out here doing this.
I don't know what it is that causes.
These girls are, I think, mostly broken girls, broken women.
They're coming to LA, maybe pursuing modeling or acting.
They want the easy ride.
Yeah, they're lazy.
Yeah, they're lazy.
And until that easy jackpot hits, they're kind of selling themselves on the internet a little bit.
And, you know, it's tough.
It's tough to judge them for it, but I don't, you know, it's hard to respect someone fully when they do that sort of business.
I worry about some women getting confused by empowerment, you know?
They're like, okay, I'm supposed to be empowered.
I'm supposed to control my body and own it.
So therefore, if I'm selling my own body, then that's just me being in control.
It's like the same thing a guy would do.
Yeah.
You know, a guy would go bang women for money.
Of course, I'm just wondering, like, what the psyche is behind some of this.
Yeah, it's tough.
But I couldn't.
For me, I thought about that.
I was thinking about that.
I was like, if someone offered me a thousand bucks to have sex with her, I don't even think I could do it unless she was hot.
But if she was hot, she wouldn't be offering me that kind of money.
The type of person, the type of guys that are on that site are not good-looking guys.
they're gross guys.
So it's like...
It depends on how much you love the girl, I guess.
You know, if it's a new relationship, $150,000, if you could walk away with that, that's saying they split at $50-50.
I don't know what their arrangement would have been when they discussed it.
Would she get more than 50?
Because she's doing most of the work.
That's a good question.
I don't know.
But let's say it's $50-50.
For $150,000, I would have to really love the girl not to want to do that.
I think I'd have to really care about her.
And it sounds like he did.
It sounds like that was a serious relationship.
So I give him props for being able to say no to that kind of money.
Yeah.
Because you could do a lot with $150,000 or $300,000.
But yeah, me personally, I would take the money.
Yeah, I don't know.
It's a wild call, man.
Yeah, it is.
That's a wild call.
We're going to get into a few of the rest of them in just a second.
We're going to say bye to Ari Manis.
See you guys.
Thanks for having me on, Dio.
Yeah, man.
Will you come back next week maybe and help with the news?
Let's see what people think.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's see what happens after this week.
You know, and I appreciate you putting it out there a little bit.
I know it's, you know, I appreciate you coming kind of on not enemy territory, but, you know.
Yeah, you know.
I appreciate you coming on unfamiliar territory.
I appreciate it.
And yeah, it's a little scary, but I think you got to overcome your fears and keep grinding.
That's what I'm doing.
Yeah, look, we're trying.
That's life.
We're trying.
All right.
Ari was here, and now he's gone.
Let's continue with the rest of this past weekend onward.
Hey, Theo.
This is JJ calling from SacTown, MACTON.
JJ calling from Sacramento.
I appreciate your call, man.
Sacramento, where everybody looks like a missing person.
I don't know if you ever spent time up in Sacramento, but everybody looks like they're missing.
Onward.
Anyways, bro, I love your podcast, man.
Justin Todd, like my favorite comedian at the moment.
But I had a question, man.
Thanks, man.
I appreciate that.
I'm coming off of a pretty long heroin stretch.
So I'm a detoxing, you know.
Just trying to live that clean life, you know what I mean?
But I know part of recovery, you got to keep your mind occupied and all that.
So my question to you is, what are your favorite hobbies to do?
What's something cool that you can do by yourself with some friends or something like that, man?
I mean, I was kind of trying to find something new, you know, me.
Yeah, well, I appreciate your calling, man.
And I appreciate your aim to battle your addictions.
That's awesome.
That's really awesome, man.
It's brave.
You know, that's brave stuff, son.
And you out there in them bravery streets, JJ, and I respect that more than you know.
You know, I just watched a movie the other day called Bill W, and it's the older one.
There's an older one.
It's like a documentary.
If you get a chance, it's on Amazon.
It's only $3 to rent it.
And I bet you would like it, JJ.
It's about the AA program and just everything that, how it all started and stuff.
It's interesting.
It's inspiring to me.
Brought a tear to my eye a few times.
But let me tell you this, man.
Things that I do, I thought about this, and this may sound, you know, gay or not gay or chill or whatever.
I don't know, dude.
But right now, I'm kind of on a little bit of a kick of trying to learn why I feel like I do.
You know?
Because a lot of my life, I start finding I just get in habits.
My life's the same.
It's mundane.
It's the same thing a lot.
Even my life, even though it might seem interesting to some people, it's a lot of the same stuff.
So I start to try and read about why I behave the way I do.
Or if there's something wrong with me, or there's something I'm not doing well at.
I want to learn how can I do better.
And why do I feel the way I do?
That's what I'm trying to figure out.
I mean, I've spent so long detached from my feelings that, you know, feelings for me are brand new.
So right now, I'm really trying to figure out when I feel anything, like a real feeling, not just like something short or quick or anger or happiness.
Those sometimes can be real fleeting.
But other feelings, I try and really feel them and figure out what they are.
Outside of that, man, my hobbies, taking a walk, doing yoga, getting little surgeries, bruh.
You know, I got that new, that lion mane coming in the front.
But not sometimes my hobbies are just like not laying in bed.
I'll wake up in the morning And I'll be in bed, and my head will start going.
And before I know it, I've been in bed five minutes, just worrying, or pondering, or angry.
And I haven't even done anything.
I don't even know what my day's like.
So, my thing is now, I do not lay in bed.
If I'm up and I know I'm not going back to sleep, I'm up because good things are going to happen when I'm happening.
You know, you can't think your way into positive actions, but you can act your way into positive thinking.
So, the second I get moving, good things happen.
But other small things I see friends do, man, reading.
If you get back to reading, it has a lot of peace in your life.
Taking a walk, like taking a walk with your eyes open, not on your phone, really just, you know, we're such creatures that are supposed to move and we forget about that, especially this society today.
You know, we're all caught up.
But yeah, little things like that, trying to be there for others, reaching out to other people.
I know these are weird hobbies, dude, but I'm on this, that's the kick I'm on right now, JJ.
So those are some of my hobbies, you know.
What else?
But yoga, I really like.
The first three times you go to yoga, you're going to fucking hate it, dude.
You're going to want to saw somebody in half, bro.
Not even with a saw, dude.
With something that's not a saw.
But that fourth time, you're going to start feeling that.
You're going to start feeling free a little bit in your body.
Your body's going to feel in control.
So, but yeah, small surgeries, spending time with other people.
What else?
I enjoy talking to my brother.
These are weirdest hobbies, dude, but I'm a weird dude.
You know, so those are some of my hobbies, I guess.
But I don't do too much outside of work and do comedy.
And I feel like my job is a hobby.
So it's tough sometimes when, you know, when work is a hobby.
But that's what I do, man.
And I applaud you, dude.
And I love you.
And I appreciate you calling in, man, and even thinking about what else, you know, other people are doing.
You know, because by asking other people questions and learning from other people and just taking suggestions or even just listening, man, it's going to help you so much in your detox and in the next levels of dealing with whatever little demons you got.
And those demons might be big, man, but don't let them be big.
Keep your demons small, dude.
You got a big life ahead of you.
All right, let's move on to this next call.
Here we go.
KT.
I'm calling because I don't have anybody to talk to, and it feels pretty bad.
I got a question, though.
Everybody, they go through things like relationship.
And, you know, I went through one of those, and I'm out of it, and I just feel really sad.
I just don't know how to get back to me again.
I remember being fun and single, me, and now all I have is loneliness.
And, you know, he's not a good person to hang out with.
I don't like him very much.
Okay, so you don't like being with yourself when you're lonely.
You notice a difference onwards?
You know, and I know everyone's gone through that.
You probably have.
What did you do, or what would you say to somebody who has lost their way, as it were?
Thank you, Peter.
I appreciate, you know, you being here for me.
Oh, man.
Look, you know, I'm not, I mean, you know, I'm being here for you, but, you know, this, I don't have advice.
You know, I just, but I'm happy to share with you how I felt, man, when I was, you know, dude, when I got broken up with, you want me to be really honest with you guys, man?
I turned into a baby, bro.
When I got broken up with in the past, dude, when I wasn't in control of my feelings, when I didn't know who I was, you know, when I was just, you know, I was obsessed with my girlfriends, but not really in love with them.
I thought I was in love with them, but I couldn't even tell the difference between love and obsession and just desire, sexual desire.
I couldn't even tell the difference between some of that.
Man, one time my girlfriend broke up with me, I put Nair in her shampoo, and she had a roommate that lost a sideburn from it, you know, and that girl was a little bit turnt at the time.
So whatever, you know, and that's out of legal.
That's been eight years, so no legalities.
Everybody, you know, good, good.
What else?
After that, what else happened after that when I got out of a relationship?
One time, dude, the girl I was seeing, she took French class.
I started learning French, dude.
I spent a whole summer learning fucking French, dude.
I got to her place, and that's the girl I met in South Carolina.
And I was petting her neighbor's cat or somebody's cat.
I turned into a stalker.
I was over at her place in the middle of the night petting somebody's cat, and I just hitchhiked to get to South Carolina.
I'd never been in the state before.
I got there at midnight, and I'm petting a cat on the address where I know she'd been getting mail.
So that's not healthy.
And practicing my French in my head for how I was going to romance her in French.
Dude, can you imagine if she'd opened her door?
Here's a boyfriend that she hasn't seen in three months who's probably been, you know, sent her like six and seven page love letters.
Suddenly this dude is on her porch petting a cat that she may or may not even know because I don't think she owned a cat.
So it's going to be somebody else's cat that I would be holding when she opened the door and that I'm going to be trying to just probably stutter in French how much I loved her.
That's going to jail.
That is going to jail.
This GTJ behavior right there.
That's going to jail.
So that's how I behave.
So I'll tell you this, man.
Don't be a pussy.
You know, and I hate to say that word on people like hearing about it.
Don't be it.
You know, if that relationship's over, I mean, sometimes we romanticize the old you, the fun you.
Really?
Was that who you were?
You know, what was the, you know, maybe you were.
I'm not saying you weren't, but just don't romanticize things.
You know, that relationship didn't work out because it wasn't supposed to work out.
I hate to tell you that.
It might work out in the future.
It's not working out now.
So what are you going to do?
That's the facts, man.
You know?
But if you're really struggling with your feelings and you're not feeling great, you know, pick up a hobby.
You know, get you a box of popsicles, dog.
You know?
Go to an Al-Anon meeting.
Listen to other people share about their feelings, how they're feeling.
Al-Anon's a great place.
If you don't have, you're not an alcoholic or something, but you got, you lost in your feelings, go there.
People sharing, and you'll learn a little bit about feelings in there.
But I mean, I wish you weren't going through this pain, but that's what I did.
I smoked menthol cigarettes and laid on a swing set for a summer.
Wasted a whole summer of my life.
Another time, my ex-girlfriend broke up with me.
I drove across country, showed up at her place in the middle of the night to win her back.
You know, and I wasn't tripping.
I mean, I was a little bit in hindsight, but I mean, I thought I really loved her, you know, and I probably, and I did and maybe still do in some ways, but, you know, what did I do?
I freaked out when I felt bad, when I felt sad.
I put in errors.
I mean, look, man, I wasn't making good choices.
What do I do now?
You know, I've been, you know, spending time with the girl and we have some tough times because of situations that I'm dealing with.
And, you know, what do I do now?
I just, I don't lay in bed.
I don't lay in bed and think about it, man.
You know, I keep moving.
And when she pops into my head, you know, I'll get through the feelings.
I breathe.
I meditate.
I get through the feelings.
You know, if that's what's going on, you know?
But just do grown-up stuff.
Don't let stuff just happen to you.
Do stuff.
If you sit there and let stuff happen, your feelings are going to take over.
You're going to feel bad, man.
You know?
But if you do stuff, you take action, you can feel not as bad.
And you probably don't deserve to feel as bad, man.
You sound like a good dude.
You deserve somebody that loves them.
You'll get that.
I promise you, bruh.
You know, you got big lovers out there coming at you.
You know, you might have a dude hit you up on Snapchat for a couple hundred G just to visit that ass, you know?
So keep your options open, man.
You know, but stay up, man.
Don't stay down.
Don't stay down.
I know that's vague and shit, but you know what I'm saying, man.
You're better than that.
You'll be okay, bro.
Love you, alright?
Be good to yourself, son.
Fucking hug yourself and go jerk off somewhere.
You know, if you got to jerk off one time, don't get addicted to it, but, you know, sneak out in the woods or something.
Jerk off.
Connect with your manhood.
Bring a whip out there.
Tell your friend to beat you with a whip.
You know, buddy of mine, when he would get feeling kind of squirrely and girly, sometimes his buddy would beat him with a fucking whip in their basement.
And he's a straight-up G, man.
So you'll be okay, bud.
Sorry, I'm in a weird mood.
All right, let's go to the next call.
Mmm, soaking in the sunshine here in Indiana, Theo.
This is Bobby.
Indiana, home of the Ku Klux Klan.
Just bringing that up.
Just don't want that blamed on the South anymore.
Onward.
And we've got a little issue.
I'm calling from Muncie, Indiana.
The situation is...
degree about about four months ago and these fuckers have had a continuous yard sale that spans their entire property which is probably oh that's balmart dude that's people that straight up ball mart people that just straight up ball out in their yard dude we had somebody like that that's balmart everything's for sale always anything something gets thrown in the yard out of a fucking window that's for
sale too everything let's hear more probably uh half an acre or something so they've got this uh they've got this yard sale this perpetual yard sale going on and i'm i'm not really sure how to approach it um they're not violating any policies or laws that i know of um and i i have walked over a time or two and i've actually bought a few items one of which was a a motorcycle helmet i also picked up a
fur coat and a football jersey so um damn dude i love it i love the whole scenario what do you do there i mean i think here's what i would do i'd make a deal with them um for 500 bucks i'd buy everything in that fucking yard right and then i'd put it all over in a corner and i'd burn it all but the deal was contingent upon the fact that they don't sell anything else ever uh if not then you guys got to get a neighborhood group together like an hoa type of thing and
see if you can shut them down or just embrace it you know embrace it next time you got neighbors coming over take them over there to shop first thing you know sometimes it's like things aren't that bad if we just embrace them but sometimes neighbors need to act a little more neighborly my stepparents live next door to this family dude they got 11 or 12 13 fucking children you know half of them is running around like damn frankensteins some of them have children they're running
in and out of the house they always have a million cars parked in the yard they're not bad people you know i don't think the dad works and i i mean but they don't they're not good neighbors that's for damn sure you know and they had one time they had a a kid a three-year-old my my stepdad somebody's by the door he sees somebody out by the front door he opens the door they got a three-year-old out there standing out in it like by the yard like by right by the front door like by the
walkway and my stepdad's like what's going on it's three years old this kid he goes i'm just i'm just gonna go walk to the dollar general and get me something do you know which way it is to the dollar general my stepdad just took him back to his house kid's three years old you know and that's the type of family that's over there and he was making signs and shit for a little while he'd stay up at night just hammering on signs like he was damn living in santa's workshop or something the daddy or something i don't know people are out of their minds people need to learn how to be good neighbors though
that's for sure and you can write them a note you can start straight up war with them if you want you know but if but if you're not willing to go there and you want to live in that contention if not it if you don't if you don't if you don't want to go there and live in that contention and be at war with them which could be fun too that could be fun but if not then you need to find come to some peace with it you know see if you know you could buy everything one time and they never do it again.
Or see what, you know, ask them when does the yard sale end.
Or when you have guests over, take them shopping first.
You know, just embrace it.
Those are things I would recommend, dude.
That's fucking gangster.
You got a fur coat out of a neighbor's yard, bruh?
Dude, we had this fur coat and these other dogs in the neighborhood would come by and fuck it sometimes, man.
And some of them would double team it too, dude.
These two, honestly, bruh.
These two black dogs.
I think they were Rottweilers.
Anyhow, onward, I'm taking one more call, man, and then I'll see what's going on.
Let's hear it.
Hey, Theo, what's up?
My name is Vince.
Calling from Tampa.
Big V and Big T. Vince in Tampa, man, you sound like somebody that could have worked at a strip club onward.
But then, of course, everybody in Tampa does.
I just had a little bit of a story for you based on an experience I had when I was 16 years old with my first blowjob.
Ooh.
This is always enticing, man.
I love to hear about people's first experiences.
So let's go, Vince.
I was bowling with my buddies at the bowling alley.
And I knocked some pins down.
Turns out I have the old 710 split.
That 710 split, man.
That's what they used to call this dude in our neighborhood who only had, he had one tooth right there and one tooth right there.
He had that Michael Strahan.
He had that 710 onward.
And I was phone with one of the hottest girls in high school.
She comes up to me and she says, hey, man, if you hit this 710 split, I'll give you a blowjob in the car afterwards.
Really?
I don't find this impossible to believe, but what kind of girl does that if you hit this?
What girl even knows what a 710 split is in high school, Vince?
I mean, think about that.
Some girl, like, if you come up and hit this, I'll give you a blowjob.
Dude, I'm going to listen to this a little bit more, but this sound I'm uncertain about you here, Vince.
Onward.
Hey, Theo.
Hey, Theo.
I was born with one of the hottest girls in high school.
She comes up to me and split.
I'll give you a blowjob in the car afterwards.
Onward?
Bro, I never hit a 7-10 split in my life.
And I'll be damned if my little penis tip didn't twinkle and I hit that 710 split.
I never hit a 7-10 split in my life, bro.
Anyways, man, she ended up hooking me up in the car, and that was my first blowjob ever.
I remember I felt like I went into a little bit of shock, dude.
It was like my hands and my arms and everything went a little bit numb.
Oh, that's blowjob atrophy, dude.
We had a buddy like that in junior high.
He got himself some early blowjobs.
And if you get early blowjobs, a lot of times your body's not used to it.
You can have adverse reactions even to sexual activity.
And he couldn't even move after you get a blowjob.
So literally, you could tell if he'd gotten some, his buddies would be carrying him around.
Or they would be, you know, they'd even have, I remember one time after prime, they had him in a wheelchair.
And that's, you know, that happens sometimes.
People can't handle the sexual activity they're getting at young ages.
And they will, you know, and this dude, they put him in a, you know, his two buddies would carry him because he's kind of a little bit of a strong in the legs.
You know, he had some, he had some rings in his woodwork, if you know what I'm saying.
He had some, he was, his legs had a lot of atoms in them.
He was, you know, a lot of neutrons and protons.
Anyway, he was thick.
That's what I'm saying.
He had volume.
He had mass.
He had all of those.
And so he would get that blowjob and he couldn't move very well.
He'd get that atrophy in his muscles and stuff and his buddies have to carry him around.
And that happens too.
Sometimes you take these Viagras, these salises.
I'll take that Canadian Viagra.
It makes my legs sweat.
And I have a buddy that used to take it.
He couldn't bend his legs if he was on Viagra.
So he could do some sex, but he had to just lay down, you know, or just lean in one time really good.
And so everybody has different things that happened to him with sex, man.
But the 7-10 split story, I find it hard to believe, but I love a new, you know, I love a first-time story, so I appreciate you calling in.
And also, I think you were a first-time caller, so I respect that.
We had a lot of great calls.
I'm going to get to some more of them.
I don't know if I'm going to get to them tonight.
I don't know when I'm going to get to them.
But if you have a call, if you have a response to something we've talked about on the episode today, if you have a thought on the take a knee, if you had a thought on the take a knee, man, I would love to hear more about it.
You can hit the hotline and drop that call off.
If you have had an experience where your girlfriend or significant other has, you guys have agreed that they could sleep with somebody else for money or not for money, just for recreational purposes, and how that played out.
I'd love to know more about that.
So you can hit the hotline for anything.
985-664-9503.
But those are two things that I would love specifically to know about.
If you have experience with those, to call in about them.
If you've had a spouse spend time or a girlfriend or boyfriend spend time with somebody else that you agreed on for money or for not and how that played out afterwards.
And also, what you think on the take a knee.
You think that's legit?
That's cool.
That's whatever.
You think, you know, how many times is this going to happen?
What's the racial solution?
Or whatever your thoughts are.
Whatever your thoughts are, I'd love to know them.
And I'm going to take us out of here.
Thank you guys again for supporting the podcast.
You can hit up the Patreon.
We've got the Dollar Shave Club out there.
Everything's going okay.
I appreciate the support.
I want to thank Ari Manus for being here.
You can follow him on Twitter and on Instagram at Ari Manus.
If there's no hard feelings between me and Ari as we figure this out, I appreciate you guys calling in and giving voice in your thoughts and your opinions.
They are always welcome here.
Always welcome here.
And, you know, we're trying to heed them.
I'm trying to figure things out.
You know, I don't want to just kick Ari by the wayside because we agreed that we would try it for a few weeks and see how it goes.
So, you know, we'll figure it out after this week and see if it's worth trying for another week or not.
We tried to reframe it a little, or I tried to reframe it a little bit.
But thank you for checking out this past weekend.
Subscribe.
Tell your friends.
I love you.
I will be in Huntsville, Alabama, November 14th through the 16th at the Stand Up Live.
Ari will be in La Jolla at the La Jolla Comedy Store.
And that is the first weekend, I believe, in November.
It's either the first or second weekend.
So you can check out when he'll be there, the third and fourth or the 10th and 11th.
Thank you guys so much for your support.
I'll talk to you soon.
Let's go out.
Spencer Jacob Growl Band with Celebrate.
And if you have some ideas for new music or intro theme or something and you want to let me know, you can hit me up at theovaughn at Mac.com.
I'm always interested in having a variety.
Celebrate me.
Celebrate.
And go out there and stand on what you believe in, man.
You know, if you're tired of certain things, people get tired and speak up about it.
You know, everybody has a voice, and we got to use them.
You know, if you're tired of companies, you know, making shitty stuff, quit supporting shitty stuff.
You know, when you change where your money goes, that's when things change.
So put your money towards things that you care about.
Research the companies.
Research who's doing what.
Know who you're giving your money to because that's how things change.
And poor people got to stick together, man.
I tell you.
I tell you.
Onward.
Onward.
You guys be good to yourselves, man.
I bet you deserve it, man.
I'm going to try.
Bye.
you you Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Aye, Sweet.
Easy deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John.
Hi, I'll take a quarter pot of his cheese at a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
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