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Aug. 28, 2017 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
01:04:03
8-28-17 | This Past Weekend #39

Waterworks, Fight Night, Vancouver. Takes calls on male and female issues. Onward.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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This past weekend Let's connect that boom boom All right, oh yeah Thank you guys Happy Monday Happy Monday August 28th the year 2017 a lot of years huh Lot of
years in the books This one's coming in hot It's coming in hot boy It was coming in wet It's coming in wet We're celebrating dark days right now.
That's what we're trying to do I just want to send some some love and some light and some thoughts and prayers out to everybody that's affected by Hurricane Harvey You know and they make it sound so nice Harvey you know what's Harvey gonna do you know oh Harvey don't ever do nothing You know they make it sound like a like a you know a fella in the neighborhood that you know still lives with his parents oh Harvey you know collecting bottle caps and
doing that you know Harvey opened up his own window washing business and they went out of business you know friggin' Harvey stealing all the Christmas candies but then that's not what it is you know and it shows up and it's more violent a lot of times than its name and my thoughts and feelings and everything go out to those people in Texas that are struggling or if you have family members down there in Houston you can make a donation you can text Harvey H-A-R-V-E-Y to 9099
and that'll make a $10 donation you can also I believe to the Red Cross you can also look online JJ Watt who is a I mean a just a volatile beautiful you know capable caveman from the NFL from the National Football League has started a fundraising program you can look it up online you can donate there as well but I'm happy to be here with you guys today you know that rain that rain comes in and it's heavy that rain comes in
and it's heavy and if you're dry today and you're able to drive down your street or get out of your home you know for you that's probably you know you're probably doing better than a lot of people you know a lot of people down there struggling and I'm gonna find some other ways that I can donate but thank you guys for being here with me today I remember when I was young I was a heavy sleeper I was a heavy sleeper man I mean I would dream that I was sleeping and that's when you're dreaming that you are asleep you
know that's that's heavy that's double sleep you know you're you know you're under two realms of of brain peace and so that's where I was at and I remember one time I fell asleep and a lot of rains came because I grew up in Louisiana and a lot of rains would come and and one time the baseboards or whatever the thing was rotting at our place and and the water came in while I was resting and I remember it getting all on the floor an inch
or two and I'd been resting in my mother's room and she had a package of I guess you know I don't know how to say this appropriately but feminine care sticks you know those feminine care sticks that women use and that some men might even use I don't even know what's going on these days but you know these feminine care sticks and that were still in the packages and they had gotten you know a box of them had gotten caught in the water or whatever and they were floating all around the room and they had a bunch of a sack of marshmallows
because I'd sometimes I'd have me a little bit of marshmallows you know before I'd go to bed or or just I'd keep a sack by my by my bed sometimes and they had a sack of marshmallows that had you know the water had opened up and there was just all these feminine care sticks and marshmallows kind of floating around the room and they had uh they had uh the neighbor's cat was over and was kind of kicking these feminine care sticks around the water and um and it was it was wild because I was so scared but
here this cat was finding so much joy you know snacking on these marshmallows and kicking around these feminine care products around the around this little lake that had formed in our home so you know what I'm just saying is sometimes you just even though it's tough you know find those bright moments you know even when the rains when the water gets deep I had a friend I texted a friend in Houston to check on him see how he was doing and he sent me back a picture of this Cajun Navy and that's people that have these airboats that
are able to get out in the neighborhoods and help people out and you see a lot of it I mean it's just a I mean it's that's a neighborhood Dunkirk right there that's neighborhood Dunkirk flaring up you know when you got a fella just showing up at your doorstep you know bringing you pizza or you know cold water or phone charging whatever I mean then that's it's beautiful to see people helping each other out but he sent me a video of in his own neighborhood you know of a boat going by it's pretty just interesting to see you know something
you normally wouldn't see in a neighborhood you know you don't see a lot of boats on streets so that was interesting man and I appreciate him sending that in but my thoughts and prayers and well wishes go out to all those people struggling down there in Texas and I'm looking forward to making more donations as those opportunities arise but Harvey you know they name it Harvey and that's what I don't like about some of these storms you know because if you as a senior citizen you sitting there and you hear oh Harvey's coming you know what's Harvey he's
harmless you know Harvey sounds like that boy in the neighborhood that never really got it together you know that maybe that boy that had a you know he had a flick of the tism in his brain or something light you know he still lived with his parents and he was always you know doing small businesses pressure washing or you know painting people in the neighborhood would hire him to paint stuff that didn't need to be painted just so Harvey could get him a little bit of pocket money you know or Harvey would always be you know that you know Harvey
never got it together you know he's still living in his parents basement in his 30s you know and he you don't invite him to the Christmas party because he steals all the Christmas candy and they give it A name like that, Harvey, that sounds like it could be a miscreant or a door-to-door salesman, but then it shows up and it's violent.
And sometimes I wish they would start giving these storms names that showed who they were.
You know, here comes Manson.
You know, here comes Ray Lewis.
You know, what about that?
Here comes Ron Artest is coming out.
You know, see who we got.
You know, this Timothy McVeigh, this storm.
You know, give them something that Elise is going to put.
If you're a senior and you hear Harvey's coming, you might not be as aware.
You might not hide the cat on top of the cupboard.
But if you hear that, you know, that Lee Harvey Oswald is showing up, you know, you might make some different adjustments in your home.
So it's just alarming, you know, and it's sad.
And I'm not trying to make light of the scenario that people are dealing with, but I've been through some water times and they're really tough.
But it's amazing to see if you can find them and you can find the joy to see, you know, what people are doing to help each other out.
And when we're far away, instead of pointing fingers and thinking about this or that, what we can do is to donate.
You know, because money helps.
Money helps it all.
Thank you guys for joining me on this Monday, August 28th, 2017.
You know, it's crazy to see winter is coming.
You know, winter is coming.
And Mother Nature, you know, she lifting her dress up and she got a cold crotch.
And we're about to see some of that wrath show up.
You know, and people talk about these, you know, the climate change and the warming and this and that.
And who knows, you know, how much that's affecting us at this point exactly in certain areas.
You know, I was in Canada in Vancouver this weekend and there were some drunk girls who were all fired up about global warming, saying, we want beaches, you know.
We sick of the winners.
We want beaches out here.
And it's like, well, look, you can't have beaches just so everybody else can suffer in the world.
But outside of that, I was in Canada this weekend.
I had a good time.
I went up to Vancouver.
We had a fantasy football draft, a destination draft.
So every year, my fantasy football league, one of them, we do a destination draft.
We pick a city and we all fly in and we meet up and we do our draft.
We've done some, you know, we've done Austin.
We've done Chicago, New York, where else?
New Orleans, Los Angeles, San Diego, some other places, Miami.
And we hit up Vancouver.
And Vancouver is a kind of city, it's a small city.
I mean, you can almost walk everywhere.
And you kind of feel like you're just waiting for the city to get going.
That's what I kind of felt like.
You know, it's a small city, very friendly as people.
I mean, friendly men and women.
If he's talking to men or women, it just, there's a nice vibe in there.
You don't feel like anybody's putting on airs or trying to be too cool for school.
You don't feel as much pomp and circumstance as you do here, specifically in Los Angeles, you know, where you go to a bar, to a night event, and everybody's trying to be that fancy cat.
You know, everybody trying to get you to, you know, smell their breath to let you know that they had the best tuna that night.
You know, they're trying to get you to take a hit off that albacore off their tongue.
But you don't feel that up in Vancouver.
It just felt like a good vibe, friendly people, kindness.
Everywhere.
You know, you stop and ask somebody for directions, they take you there.
I mean, you know, we asked for directions to this beach and somebody just took us there.
I mean, it was a couple of miles.
It was 15 minutes.
You know, but it was captivating little city.
You're just kind of waiting for the city to get going.
You keep feeling like, oh, there should be more of an energy or a bustle, but people there are just more at peace.
You know, and I've always thought Canada was a very peaceful place, but I was, you know, like, and New York's kind of gotten that way.
New York, it's gotten so, I don't want to say gentrified because I don't know if gentrified just means white, but whatever the financial version of gentrified would be, it's gotten so greenified, moneyfied, that in New York, you don't even get mugged anymore.
You know, you got to go up to, you know, north of Harlem to even get mugged.
You know, in New York, it's like you walk around these days and it's just everybody's, it's just a bunch of business people, people with money.
You know, you almost have to ask somebody to, you know, fuck you up a little, you know, stab me a little or something or just, you know, call me a pervert and, you know, hit me in the back of the knees with a broomstick.
If you want to get that vibe, that, you know, that New York-y, you know, mug me, you know, I want to feel something.
I want to feel like I'm in the city.
And you can't get that in New York proper anymore.
In Vancouver, you're always, you're just kind of waiting for it to pick up, but it's just a peaceful city.
There's just peace going on.
We had a nice time, though.
We had a great fantasy draft there.
We went out to this place called Kitts Beach.
They have a beach, and it's like right on the edge of the city, and there's people out there just enjoying themselves.
It almost looks like you're in heaven.
I mean, it's extremely multicultural, and you're out there, and everybody's just enjoying themselves.
Everybody seems to be having a good time.
It definitely seems like they, like kind of the heaven you would picture in your brain.
You know, there's like, there's mountains in the background, and there's, there's city, there's skyscrapers.
And, you know, even the homeless people seem to be on the uptick.
You know, like they can still at least remember the homes they had.
You know, they can at least still remember maybe a two-bedroom, two-bath that they used to spend time in.
You see the homeless people in America, it's just like they've just been, you know, boiling soup in their own eye sockets.
You know, half of them don't, you know, like they've been gargling their own bile.
You know, the homeless people here, there's tattered.
They've been through the ringer.
They've been through the, you know, they've been caught up in the dark arts for too long.
They don't even remember how to use a faucet.
You know, a lot of them, you take them by a sink and they just, you know, they'll urinate or just jerk off into it.
But you don't see that up in Canada.
You see people, even the homeless people, they're ready for homes again.
You know, they know they're not going to be homeless forever.
You know, hell, half of them probably just camping.
I mean, these people love the outdoors and it's summertime.
But if you get a chance to go to Vancouver, you want a nice getaway for you and your lady.
The nightlife was pretty chill.
It was chill nightlife, which for me these days is good.
I'm not out there trying to find erroneous female tits and doing cocaine out of people's buttocks and all that.
I'm trying to be more relaxed.
and so we had a nice time, but a good fantasy draft.
I got a good team.
One of my buddies lost his mind, and I hadn't seen this in a while.
One of my buddies, the uh, the three guys went and they got themselves a chocolate bar from one of these marijuana outlets.
You know, in the marijuana these days, when I was young, that marijuana was just that brown, that dirt, you know.
I mean, hell, this shit, half of it had was pine.
You know, that was one of the flavors.
It was pine, you know, I mean, this shit, somebody could have just cut it in their front yard earlier that day, the stuff you were buying when I was a kid.
And you'd smoke it in the dark, you had no clue what it was, and half the time you didn't even get fucked up, you just acted fucked up.
And that was the, that was that marijuana back then.
But now these kids, you know, these young buckaroos, they're hitting on this stuff, you know, it's like it's like Lion the Witch in the wardrobe.
This stuff will take you to Narnia.
You know, this stuff will have you fall out of the back of your own, out of your own brain closet into the next realm.
And they had a guy in our league who had never, or who said he had smoked weed a long time ago.
I think he was still trying to live a little and catch that vibe.
And he ate a little bit of chocolate, dude.
He started geeking.
He started getting lifted.
You know, you could almost hear his brainstem just detaching from his spine.
This dude was just a human balloon just floating around the room.
He had to start marching.
He started marching, took his shirt off.
Dude, fucked up.
People like to take their shirts off, huh?
Because they got to get out that cage, boy.
Let me out this cotton cage.
I'm fucked up.
This polyester.
This polyester can't hold me.
This dude was lifted and gifted.
You know, he was feeling that vibe, dude.
He could feel the vultures just start to play in tug of war with his cerebellum.
And he was getting lifted, dude.
And he's not like that kind of guy.
You know, he even texted, even sent the group text.
We're all sitting there in the room.
He sends the group text, a text saying, I am having severe adverse reactions from marijuana at this moment.
And he said he did that just so he would have documentation of it.
Like this dude's like a research kind of guy.
You know, he likes that documentation.
But man, he had his shirt off.
He had us call him the place where he bought the chocolate bar.
He only had one square.
And he got bent.
He got bent out, boy.
He got bent out.
He was catching, he was catching, he was catching levels.
You know, he was on that third, fourth level, dude.
He was hitting warp zones.
He was fighting Bowser in his brain.
He started marching around the room in a circle.
The room made a full circle.
We could go into the bedroom and then come out through the bathroom back into the living room, in this hotel room.
And he hit that circle.
I mean, he was out there like Usain Bolton on that voltage, boy, on that plantography, you know, on that garden that was just growing up through his soul, that weed.
And that shit was powerful to watch, dude.
We had to pray with him.
We had to do a prayer circle.
This dude, we bought him a bunch of orange juice.
We had him in the shower.
He was marching in the shower.
So anyway, we got to dinner late.
We got to dinner late that night.
We did our fantasy draft.
We had a good time in Vancouver.
I would recommend Vancouver.
It's not as crazy nightlife as you would think, but some great hiking.
Extremely wonderful people.
I met a lot of fans just being out and about.
Had some great seafood.
And just a fun, safe place.
If you want to get out to a vibe, I mean, I feel like I could have slept on the concrete out front, and I would have woke up and somebody would have probably put a couple of blankets over me and maybe even put eardrums in my ears to make sure that something didn't wake me up.
It was that kind of environment where people just seem like they were helping each other out.
But we watched the fight.
Man, I don't know if you watched the fight or not.
Man, it was good, huh?
It was interesting.
I mean, right out of the gate, I was thinking, did you see the referee?
The referee looked like, first of all, it looked like he was just talking to Connor.
But I guess maybe the rules need to be readdressed to him because it's, you know, boxing, straight boxing is in his deal.
But the referee looked like every Greyhound bus driver I've ever had.
I don't know if you saw that gentleman or not, that beautiful.
And he had that booty, like that DS booty.
You know, he had that Down syndrome booty.
And a lot of, you know, some of you guys know one of my better friends growing up, Derry, had DS and Down syndrome, popular disease.
And he had it, and he was, you know, we used to eat sandwiches and stuff and do a little bit of, you know, light ghost hunting and stuff like that by the Ramada when I was growing up.
But, but man, this referee looked like every Greyhound bus driver.
So out of the gate, I was like, I'm into this thing.
You know, this fight feels already familiar.
It was exciting, man.
It was exciting.
The ring girl's looking lovely.
And at first, I felt so nervous.
I don't know if anybody else felt that, but for the first, like, I mean, the first two rounds, I was so nervous.
And I can't even feel why.
You know, when I think back, like, why do I feel this way?
I think I was just nervous because, you know, McGregor seemed so out of his element.
You know, even his stance and everything, it was just, he looked so vulnerable to me.
You know, and I don't know a ton about boxing.
I don't know a ton about fighting.
I know that both these guys are masters in their universes.
But it made me nervous, man.
I was nervous for him, you know, the first two rounds.
And then after a while, I just felt like you could see the flaws were just, they were natural flaws in Connor's.
He didn't have any finishing moves.
You know, he didn't have that Hayuk and he didn't have that power.
He didn't have that power play.
You know, he had just a lot of these straight punches.
And, you know, I was just like, where's that finishing move?
At one point, I'm just like, just, you know, throw a kick, Daddy.
You know, throw a knee burst.
But he didn't have a finishing move.
And that kind of, I feel like, made it a little bit tough.
And I wish that, I know at the end of the fight, he said, you know, I wish they would have let us go to the mat where one of us fell, one of us hit the dirt.
And I think at the time he probably thought that, but this morning, I bet that he was probably glad that it didn't happen that way.
You know, that it didn't go down like that, that it ended how it did.
I mean, it was really interesting to see.
I hope, you know, I want him to fight somebody else next.
Andy Dick, you know, who else could he fight?
A-Rod, I'd love to see him take on A-Rod.
I'd love to probably see him.
I'd love to see him honestly beat Chris Paul's ass.
If he go in against Chris Paul, I'd love to see, you know, or Martina Navratilova, you know, some of these people that want to be young gunners and get in there.
But we'll see, man.
It was exciting.
I wonder if maybe in the original agreement, if he would have asked for an MMA referee.
That was something I was thinking, like, would he have rathered like an MMA referee who maybe, you know, might have at least been able to judge and referee the fight a little bit more, you know, not to his liking, but in a comfortable manner.
I feel like it would have made it a little bit more fair.
I mean, it was heavily favored to Floyd whenever you were looking at it.
Like, even when I first came on, I was like, wow, okay, this is boxing.
You know, this isn't MMA at all.
I mean, this is boxing.
And you really saw somebody step outside of their comfort zone.
I mean, it was really inspiring.
You know, you saw, they had a lot of videos and stuff of these guys doing the after party and really having a good time, man.
But yeah, I mean, I was, look, I was nervous.
It was exciting to watch.
You know, but it was inspiring.
I was like, man, I want to work out hard.
You know, I want to do something.
I want to step outside of my comfort zone.
You know, I want to be a baker.
You know what I'm saying?
I want to challenge, you know, I want to challenge a motherfucker on some donut level.
You know, maybe I want to step outside of my comfort zone.
You know, I want to wake up and, you know, and in four months, I want to go, you know, toe-to-toe with an archaeologist.
You know, bitch, where are these bones?
I'm out here.
Oh, you digging, I'm digging.
You could shovel, I could shovel.
It made me want to kind of change up and feel inspired.
And then this morning, I just, you know, pretty much a little bit of that left me.
Because, you know, inspiration, man, that stuff you have to be reminded, man, I wish you could have inspiration like an IV, a drip bag of inspiration.
That's what I need a lot of times.
Because I will feel inspired and then it will go away.
It will go away.
But good to be here with you guys.
Hope you guys had a happy weekend.
I was in Vancouver.
I flew back this morning.
Had a couple of sets tonight at the comedy store and at the Hollywood Improv.
And I'm so happy to be here on this past weekend.
I have an announcement to make, too.
A couple of them.
One, we got a new set.
We got a new set.
It's coming along.
You can go to YouTube whenever the podcast comes out on YouTube, which is Monday evening or Tuesday morning, and you can check it out.
You can let me know what you think.
Also, this week we're going to launch our Patreon account.
That's P-A-T-R-E-O-N slash Theo Von, T-H-E-O-V-O-N.
And it's just to support the podcast directly.
You know, we've had some advertisers come on and people have reached out and said, look, man, I just would love to support the podcast directly.
And personally, I want to continue improving the show.
You know, I love doing this show.
I'm so grateful for this experience.
I want you guys to know that.
You know, I was nervous when I started out, you know, and I'm still nervous.
You know, I'm nervous a little bit every time I get on here and start sharing and I don't know what I'm doing sometimes, if I'm sharing too much or not sharing enough.
But I do feel like together that we're doing something good.
We're on to something good.
And I want to take it to the top, you know.
And I want to include some options online where people can, you know, become more involved and that we can work more together.
And so that's what the Patreon will be.
And we hope to have that launched on Wednesday so you guys can check that out if you so choose.
No pressure.
No matter what, you will always have this past weekend on your Monday mornings.
All right, and I want to let you guys know some dates.
We have September 6th through 9th, that's next weekend.
I'll be at Cap City in Austin.
If you have friends or family in Austin, tell them to come on out.
September 14th through 17th, I'll be at Hilarities in Cleveland.
And then November 17th through 19th, I'll be at Stand-Up Live in Huntsville, Alabama.
I'm excited about all those things.
Feeling pretty excited, man.
You know, I felt a little bit nervous tonight before I started.
Sometimes I guess I get a little nervous.
You know, I get a little bit nervous of what the vibe is and what you guys want to hear, what I want to talk about.
And I just appreciate you guys being supportive and sticking with me.
We've got a lot of great calls that came in, and I want to just get right into them, man.
Some of them are really, really interesting.
So let's crack in to the hotline calls right now.
The number is 985-664-9503.
If you're down in Texas and you had an experience from the rain, you know, where you saw something go on that you thought was pretty remarkable, I'd love to hear a little bit about that.
You know, that's one of the things you can hit the hotline with.
As well, if you're just going through something and you want to share it, you can hit the hotline with that.
Anything that if I've been through it as well, I'm happy to share.
You know, I don't have advice, but I do have suggestions and I do have my own experiences so that we don't have to feel alone.
All right, let's check in with this first call right here.
Hey, what's up, Theo?
This is Tim from Tennessee.
All right, Tim from Tennessee.
I can hear that.
I can hear that jingle in your jungle, man.
In your neck instrument, you know, that V-box, baby.
I can hear you spouting off that sweet southern.
You know, you got that molasses in your sound canal.
Let's hear more.
I'm calling about an issue I have.
So I have this cousin who's trying to be a rapper.
A Christian rapper, actually.
He's got a cousin trying to be a Christian rapper, man.
That's wild, baby.
You know?
You know, it's whatever.
I don't really like Christian raps.
It's all pretty much terrible, but if that's what, you know, people get a hold of that and it helps them, you know, go for it.
But the problem is that he's terrible, you know.
Wow.
The problem is that he's terrible, man.
He dropping hymns and spinning rims, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
He's caught up in that CR, son, that Christian rap.
Having babies with virgin ladies.
Parting C's and Negro please.
Y'all turning up out there in that Bible belt.
He's dropping it off, huh?
And you think he's terrible?
Well, look, I feel You man, I have friends that have thought that I think are terrible at stuff that do things, you know.
And I'm going to stop you right there, but I'm guessing that you're just wondering how to handle it.
And here's what I say: What do you lose by him giving it a shot?
You know, he's going to go as far as he's going to go with it.
You know, he could be great.
There were times for years when I was not good at comedy.
And if somebody would have really said that to me, I may not have kept going.
And I'm not saying that I'm great today, but I'm saying today that I can do my job.
And I can say that I do my job well.
But, you know, you just can't take away his hope.
So I think if you can offer, you know, if you have constructive suggestions, fire him at him.
Because, dude, I mean, this guy is getting into a crazy game.
I mean, I know there are some Christian rappers that are popular.
I think most of them are black, so it'd probably be good to see some, you know, some diversity in the market.
Could be good.
I'd love it if actually you could hit the hotline and drop one of his tracks in.
Maybe we could even start one of the podcasts off with it next week.
So if you have the ability to do that, or you can email it to me at Theo Vaughn, T-H-E-O-V-O-N, at MACM-A-C.com.
But I appreciate you calling and saying this, you know.
And you got to think that Jesus bawled out.
You know, I mean, he was a rapper in a way.
If you want to think, whether you think about him as the savior, you think about him just as a human being.
I mean, that dude was, you know, spitting in the desert.
Jesus was dropping lyrics in the desert.
It's hard to even keep moisture in your mouth in the desert.
So at the very least, boy, he was a Hem and M, if you feel me.
It's hard to even keep your tongue wet in the desert.
And he was roaming around dropping tracks, dude.
You know, so I mean, there's some respect there, you know.
I mean, that's real stuff.
So I just support his ability to try something different.
Try not to be too hard on him.
Buy him some gold teeth.
You know, maybe make it something that you enjoy.
You know, buy him some gold teeth, like, you know, five gold teeth and spell out, you know, H-Y-M-N-S and put that hymns in his grin.
You know, or get him a gold necklace with three nails on it.
You know, it's hard sometimes with family, you know, to support them.
Because for some reason, family, when they do some shit, it will drive you way more crazy than when friends do.
You know, I mean, my sister used to, she did one of those things on Facebook one time where it's like, I'm going to say something I'm thankful for for the next 700 days.
And man, I wanted to speak up.
I wanted to say, I feel like that's crazy, but it doesn't matter what I feel.
You know?
So I'd find a way to embrace it.
You know, maybe get a tattoo on your back of him fucking dropping mad tracks.
You know?
The lamb, boy.
The lamb of Jeezy, boy.
You know, he's spitting straight fire wool.
You know?
So see what you can do there, man, to support him.
Just don't take away his hope.
I think you can offer him some suggestions if you feel like it, or ask him if you want suggestions, but don't fire him off and take away his hope.
Maybe see if you could be a background singer.
That shit would be hilarious.
Because then you're embracing it.
You're part of it.
So I'd find a way to embrace it.
Dude, if my brother came to me and said he wanted to be a Christian rapper, dude, I would gain about 150 pounds and put on a core, a dress that them thick girls, them girls that got them, you know, them, you know, they got them, them bassists.
You know, they got that deep throat, you know, where they can gargle different sounds down there.
You know, and I would put on a big robe and I would support my brother.
I'd be hitting them back round.
Jesus.
We out in this motherhood desert.
Dang, dang, dang, dang, dang.
Three days, three days later, I'm back, back, back, back.
Easter, Easter.
Play that backup, baby.
You can help him out.
Good luck with it.
Thanks for calling.
Onward, next caller.
Hey, what's up, Theo?
This is Josh.
I'm out here in Charlotte, North Calac.
Josh in Charlotte, North Cakalaca.
That's North Carolina, for those of you guys who don't know.
Josh, thank you for calling.
I'd like to see you come down to the Comedy Zone here in Charlotte.
That'd be cool to see you, man.
I've been there before to Charlotte, and the only time I was there, I was there at the Comedy Zone.
I had a good time.
I'll be back next year.
I don't know the dates, but I saw Cam Newton.
I was there for 40 minutes.
I've been in town.
I'm sitting on the outdoor patio of a McCormick and Schmick's having me a little salad.
And Cam Newton went by with a baby carriage, pushing his son.
He had a newborn, or he had been a few months old, and he's pushing this son in a baby carriage.
And at first I thought it was a homeless guy because he was, you know, you don't see a lot of adult men at all just pushing a baby carriage by themselves down the street.
And you also don't see a lot of adult black men, at least I'm not used to seeing that, pushing a baby carriage down the street.
And he had on this, you know, kind of a Gucci hat and a scarf.
And I'm like, dang, this dude might be homeless.
But then he got close to me.
I was like, holy shit, this dude is Cam Newton.
So you never know, man.
You never know when a homeless person might be Cam Newton.
You never know when you might be surprised.
Onward.
Seem to get some advice from me if you could help me with something.
Started dating this girl, and she's a bit of a squirter.
Oh, okay.
So you hitting them waterworks, baby.
You passing, I don't know if it's Baltic Avenue or Marvin Gardens, and you hitting them waterworks with the ladies.
Okay.
You know, this is kind of an edgy topic, but we're going to try to field it here.
Thank you for calling Onward.
I always thought that that was cool at first, you know, especially when I see it like in some pornography or something.
Yeah, them sprayers, you know, them gunners, you know, reminds you going to the fair when you play that game.
You're trying to shoot that thing and get that animal from that old man.
And that dude usually probably looks like he has some kind of a skin cancer or lung cancer.
But Onward, I know what you're talking about.
Man, after a while, it's just getting, I don't know, man, have to change the seats all the time and going to the store to get detergent.
these people are probably like, This dude's got a lot of clothes or something, you know.
Yeah, with detergent, and also buying detergent, a lot of people think you might be cooking it down and doing some kind of new dope.
And that's one of the issues I run because I, you know, I've at times in the past had me a little bit of an affrin habit.
You know, I get that afrin and I use the suggested dose.
Now, I'm not riding outside of my suggested dose circles, but man, sometime coming around 11 o'clock, dude, you know, my hands start feeling for a hit off that affrin for a hit to, you know, get my nasal passages sedated.
But yeah, I can feel you, man.
So you're dealing with a lot of extra laundry, a lot of extra laundry, because you got old faithful in the bedroom onward.
But I don't know if you'd give me some any advice on that, man.
It's just a mess, man.
And I really like the girl, too.
But, all right, man.
Have a deal.
You know, it's interesting, man, because I met a girl years ago who had, she'd moved to town.
She dated one of the Jonas brothers.
I don't know which one.
There's three of them.
I think they all damn look the same.
Beautiful young men.
From what I remember, I never looked at them very closely.
But this gal, you know, she was really, you know, she had that extra plumbing.
And some girls, they just got that wild piping where they be spraying out a little.
And yeah, at first you're like, oh, this is a party.
You know, daddy's here, you know, I'll do it.
I'll wash dishes down between this gal's legs, you know.
But then after a while, that ain't no joke.
You know, it's a liability, you know, and unless they're, you know, putting extra use to some of that activity, like they're watering plants or, you know, refilling the fishbowl, it can be a bit overwhelming at times.
You know, so I don't know what you do because you don't want to make her feel bad because this is a natural thing.
And look, we all have things naturally about us that our love one or our spouse doesn't like.
You know, it could be that you clear your throat or you pick your nose while you drive or that you have a lot of body gas.
And sometimes if I don't sleep well, I'll get a little extra body gas.
So, you know, I know that I can be, you know, I have things about myself.
But maybe find some other ways you guys can be sensual without hitting that gasm, you know, without, you know, Hurricane Harvey stopping by y'all's bedroom every night.
Because that can be wild.
You know, so maybe talk to her about it.
See how she feels.
Because, yeah, otherwise you got to keep a stack of towels there in the bedroom and you got to really sound off.
Otherwise, other than that, I'd say make it fun.
You know, put a couple of barrels.
They used to have this thing, little buckets.
They used to have this show called the Bozo Show or something, where if you got a thing in a, you threw these balls, if you got it in a bucket, you got you a Subway sandwich.
And they'd have children on there.
And this might have just been locally, but they had this guy, Bozo the Clown or somebody.
The grand prize game.
You throw these ping pong balls at these buckets.
If you got it out to the five bucket, then you got you maybe a Subway sandwich for your whole classroom of children.
So maybe do that.
Maybe make something fun or cute about it.
You know, or just make two nights a week where y'all do sex, and that's the activity night.
You know, and this, you know, show up prepared.
Put floaties on.
You know, be a baller.
You know what I'm saying?
Do get that Michael Phelps neck piece.
Do something, you know, but I think instead of, you know, if you want to keep her and you do care about her, then you're going to have to find a way to make it comfortable for you and then not talk to her about it in a way that makes it uncomfortable for her.
Man, it's a tough one.
That is a tough one, man.
And if somebody out there has good advice for this gentleman, you know, about his damp damsel, if we will, then hit the hotline and let them know.
And I'll try to do a follow-up episode this week where other people can give you some return advice about that damp damsel and how to handle that.
But yeah, it's interesting because the things you see in pornography, man, you get those things in real life, dude.
It's not the same thing.
You know, if like you got a girl out there, they had this one thing, you know, years ago, some girl was eating, she could eat donut holes with her hoo-ha.
And yeah, that's great.
You know, that's cool on a, you know, on a brunch, maybe a Sunday brunch, you know, you partying with your new girlfriend, you know, and you having you a little bit of fruit or some, you know, a yogurt, and she's doing, she hiding donuts, you know, she calorieing up.
But dude, come, you know, a couple months of that, you having to run to the store all the time and get donuts and shit, that shit's crazy.
And what if her hoo-ha starts to upscale, and that thing wants a butterfinger or a payday, you know, or a hundred grand or a thousand grand.
That thing starts hiding whatchamacallits and almond joys in its cheeks.
Dude, then you're talking, I mean, then you're talking the dark arts.
So the things you see in pornography, sometimes they can escalate when you get them in real life.
But I would approach it in a way, if you do talk about it with her, in a way that's comfortable for her.
You know, because you just don't want to make her feel bad because once she starts feeling bad about her body, that's going to be uncomfortable for everybody, man.
But good luck, man.
I appreciate you calling in about it, brother.
Woo!
You partying out there, dude.
Wherever you are, North Kakalaka, they partying.
All right, next caller.
Onward.
What's up, buddy?
This is Nathan from Kansas City.
This is Nathan from Kansas City.
I just picked your defense in my fantasy football league.
I hope they do well.
Onward, Nathan.
I just had a quick question for you, man.
I grew up with two real good friends of mine, and they're kind of slowly drifting apart.
And I believe that they're actually pretty upset with me.
Now, I'm not sure what it is that they're upset about, but I would like to sit down man-to-man and kind of talk it out.
Okay, so you grew up with two good friends, and they're really upset at you, but you're not sure what they're upset about, and you'd like to sit down man-to-man and talk it out.
That's what we got so far onwards.
And they don't answer the phone, they don't respond with text messages.
So I'm kind of at a loss at what to do, and I'm hoping maybe you could help me out with some advice on this subject here, man.
I love the show.
All right, thanks for calling, man.
Love the show, man.
I appreciate you enjoying it.
Love you, brother.
You know, I want you to feel good about this, dude, but it sounds Like you know, they're upset, they're calling you.
You know, they're upset, but you don't know about what, you know.
And I don't want to say, I don't believe you, man, but you got to have some inkling.
You know, if you know they're upset, you know, but you're not sure about what, you probably got to have some inkling, you know, and if they don't want to respond to you right now, then, you know, obviously if it's two of them, you know, they must be really upset about it.
So, I mean, I think there's two things here.
One, I would just give them some space.
You know, maybe they're moving along.
Maybe you guys don't even need each other.
Maybe, you know, maybe this friendship has run its course.
Or two, it sounds like there's a little more to the story.
I would own up to whatever happened and go see them face to face and own up 100%.
And I wouldn't own up with a butt.
You know, look, man, you know, this happened, but I felt this way.
I'd leave the butt off of it.
I would show up, own up to whatever you did personally, and don't ask for like, you know, if you want continued friendship, then say, look, bud, you know, I want to still be friends.
I want to still be buddies.
You know, I want to still split Kit Kats together.
You know, I want to still, you know, sit around and hide dip in our mouths together and do friendship.
You know, I want to still sit in a room and have your body heat be in the distance.
If you still want those things, then let them know that.
But you're also going to have to probably, if there was something you did, you're going to have to apologize to it.
I'd do it man-to-man.
I wouldn't hit the phone lines.
I would do it man-to-man.
And I wouldn't say any buts.
I would just apologize and let them know, look, I'd still like to be friends.
You know, adult friendship, dude, this shit's tricky out here.
Because adults, they get busy.
Sometimes their wives don't want them hanging out with other adults.
You know, people start getting jealousy happens.
You know, you get a new house, but your buddy don't have a house yet.
And he's still out there in an apartment.
Jealousy happens, you know.
Your buddy loses his leg and you still got two legs.
And next thing you know, he don't want to talk to you because he think you showing off by having two legs.
That's crazy.
You know, but adulthood friendship is hard.
That's one thing that was fascinating about young friendship.
To be friends when you were young, all it was was proximity usually.
It's like your best friends, still to this day even, were just usually people that lived near you.
That was it.
You know, it's not like there was this big friend search where you interviewed thousands of other children when you were a child.
It was just who's nearby?
Oh, they are?
Boom, boom.
Friendship.
You know, it's like a lot of it's just proximity based.
So, you know, if you value their friendship, then I would make it a man-to-man apology.
I wouldn't try it on the phone.
I appreciate you for, I appreciate you calling up.
Let's hit another call here.
We're cruising through some calls, man.
And I appreciate you guys calling and hitting the hotline.
985-664-9503.
I'm feeling good.
I'm trying to get through this.
It's 12.45 a.m.
here on the Pacific Coast time.
I got a cool week coming up.
We have David Allen Greer coming in on our podcast for allegedly.
Spencer Pratt as well.
That episode will be airing this week, I believe, on allegedly.
That's my Hollywood podcast.
You can check it out with my wonderful co-host, Matthew Cole Weiss.
And we have who else is coming in?
It's rumored, it's rumored that Chris Hansen is supposed to be coming on.
So that could be really, really exciting.
All right, let's take another call.
Here we go.
All right, let's take another call.
Here we go.
Hey, TO, this is Cody calling from Boulder, Colorado again.
This is Cody from Boulder, Colorado.
You up there in the country up there where everybody's eating drugs and stuff up there in the mountains.
Thank you for calling.
First off, I want to thank you for taking my last call about texting and phone Culture.
I really enjoyed your Pooh in the Meat Taco Bell story.
Yeah, it's a true story.
And everybody uses the that there was feces in the meat and their Taco Bell in their town, but this really happened in my hometown when I was growing up.
It really, really happened, and it was alarming.
But we made it through it as a community.
And it's amazing sometimes what community can overcome together.
Let's hear more.
And when you said, I don't know if we can go back related to texting, that really kind of made me think about some shit.
The reason I'm calling this time is about love.
I feel like you don't really talk about that other than guys trying to blow you.
That's really the only thing we've heard.
Specifically, I want to talk about monogamy and polygamy.
We're a man in Boulder, and I know in San Francisco, polygamy is real big.
Okay, so from Boulder, he's saying that he wants to talk about love.
He's asking me, you know, I don't talk about love that much except for if fellas is trying to blow me or run my pole.
You know, if they're trying to run my pole with the inside of their face.
And that is probably in reference to when Andy Dick tried to blow me a few times over there in Streetport, Louisiana.
But onward, I'll hear the rest of this.
We're a man in Boulder, and I know in San Francisco, polygamy is real big.
Personally, I'm just not sure that I can marry the same person for 40 plus years or whatever.
So yeah, scare us your thoughts on that.
Thanks again for doing what you do, man.
You're a freaking legend.
Peace.
I appreciate your call, man.
I appreciate your previous call, and I appreciate this one.
I really do.
I appreciate everybody that takes time to call in and help because this show goes.
It goes because you guys call.
You know, my brain, I'm short.
I've always had a kind of a short brain.
You know, I remember they did a CAT scan on me, and the man said, you got a short brain.
I was like, what the fuck does that mean?
And I got angry with him, even though I was just wearing just that one piece in the hospital where the back is open, where anybody could fuck you, which is really, I think, very scary to put on somebody when they're already alarmed and they're in a hospital.
I mean, I say put them in a full damn ski outfit, but they want to put you in that thing to scary you even more.
And the man said, you got a short brain.
He goes, the width of your brain from the bottom to the top is not very tall.
He goes, you got a short brain.
But that doesn't surprise me.
You know, I've always had, you know, a lot of medical deficiencies or abnormalities.
You know, my father told me when I was young that I had the heart of a lesbian.
You know, and the man told me, one of the doctors told me when I was a child that I had the rib cage of a large, large cat.
Probably, I'm thinking, mountain, some sort of a mountain cat.
Probably something you would see up in Boulder, maybe.
But anyhow, we're talking monogamy and polygamy or monogamy.
And can you do it?
What's it like these days?
You know, I think I wouldn't be surprised if we get more towards a culture where, you know, where marriage isn't as necessary.
You know, and I hate to say it because I want to see, you know, I love the family unit.
And it's statistically proven across the board that children survive and thrive better when they have two parents in the home.
And that's a statistic for every ethnicity.
Go look it up.
Every ethnicity.
You know, and so it's, it's, but it's like, is that what's popular right now?
You know, is that what's going on?
And, you know, I don't know.
It scares me too to think, you know.
I mean, I've been talking to a gal and I was just talking to her about, you know, how that makes me feel very nervous.
And I think part of the nervous thing about being with somebody forever is just the propensity for you to be able to mess up, you know, to cheat or to lie or to not be a good husband.
You know, and that's the scary part, I think, of monogamy these days.
You know, is man built to be able to withstand all this constant barrage with the pornography and the Instagram and the titties wandering by?
You know, I mean, you open your eyes.
If you even open your eyes outside, it's like everything has titties on it now.
You know, when you start to see them, and it's just, there's just a lot of breastwork out there that there wasn't, I think, years ago.
Our grandfather, only time he saw some other breasts, maybe if he went to the store, you know, or if he even held a soft melon back in the day, you know, if you probably in the 1930s, if he even held a soft melon, that's the only time he really thought of somebody outside of his marriage.
When he was checking melons, you know, when he was considering buying fruit, I mean, he probably, that used to be the old playboy, probably pulling up to a fruit stand and feeling the different, you know, the plums and the different, you know, honeydews out there and just feeling their softness.
I mean, God damn, you put a C-cup avocado in each one of my hands and I'll, I mean, I will, my penis will mount up on top of my nuts and it will be erect.
So it's wild to think that back in the day that that's all, that's the only stimulation that they had.
You know, when I was young, you had the pornography magazines, but you also, a lot of people, I think, in our neighborhood were drawing pictures of vaginas in the dirt.
And I don't know if it was just in our neighborhood, even around town, there was a group or maybe just one person, an artist, I guess you could even call them an artist, you know, or somebody that was trying to do graffiti but didn't have any paint.
And they would just be drawing pictures of vaginas in the dirt, and you'd be wandering around town and just see a vagina in the dirt.
And that would always be a little bit crazy, you know, to see that, and that would make you feel erect and stuff.
And you never knew when you were going to see that.
But nowadays, yeah, it's like, you know, it's hard to just conserve your sexual energy for one person because there's so many things trying to take it from you nowadays.
Polygamy, I don't know.
I mean, it sounds like it'd be great, of course, you know, to maybe have a change of pace in your life.
You know, but you got to be a great multitasker.
Would it be good for the kids?
You know, I don't know enough about it, what the effect of polygamy has on children, you know, when, you know, when you get dad two or three nights a week, you know, when you got your different types of wives.
And I mean, I feel sometimes like I have enough love inside of me to, You know, to be able to maybe live in that environment, but is that practical?
I don't know.
You know, I don't know, man.
And I don't talk a lot about my past endeavors, man.
I mean, I've had a lot of sexuality over the years.
You know, some good and some bad.
And I don't really even like sex that much.
I'm not real keen on it.
You know, people banging their bodies into each other.
You know, it's just sometimes it just gets old a little bit.
And maybe that's a dour look at sex.
And maybe I need to, you know, have to have my chi, you know, reconfigured.
You know, I need to take my chi into the chi shop, you know, and remodel my chi.
But that's just how I feel sometimes, you know.
That after a certain point, also, it's just got to be about more than that to have that connection.
But it's a great, you know, I don't think there's a man, you know, every man thinks about it for sure about polygamy.
You know, I think it's natural.
They say it's natural to want to mount up and do love and do sex on others.
They say it's natural, so it's a fight you're in.
If you're staying monogamous and you're in a one-on-one relationship, if you've been in a long-term relationship and you've stayed true in it, I'd love to hear some of what that feels like.
What some of those values are.
What are the prizes there that you get emotionally for yourself?
What does that feel like, man, if you're out there?
You know, we're ladies.
A lot of these ladies be running around these days, slanging that canal.
It's wild out there.
It's definitely wild.
How are we getting on time here, man?
I think we're getting a little bit along.
I'm actually going to, let's take away, let's take one more call here and see what's happening, man.
I want to say this.
We got a caller right here.
What's up, T.O.?
Hello, Louisiana boy calling in here from Shreveport, L.A. Shreveport, Louisiana.
That's where Andy Dick tried to break me off with them tongue and jowls, you know, on my beddles.
Onward.
Just calling.
I'm calling with the problems that I'm currently having.
I graduated high school two years ago.
Congratulations.
If you graduated high school in Louisiana, congratulations, brother.
Not easy for a lot of people, and I appreciate you calling tonight, man.
Thank you.
Onward.
Currently 20 years old.
I have some problems with excessive pornography.
Lack of motivation to go out and get girls.
I had a few girlfriends in high school.
And every time I get the opportunity to go hang out with girls or whatever, I always talk myself out of it.
Whether it's, you know, kind of insecurity or lack of confidence.
All right, I appreciate this, man.
I mean, you know, this is an issue that I've struggled with over the years.
You know, you're having some issues with pornography, and you were dating in high school, but now you're not dating that much, and you're feeling like you might have, you know, a lack of motivation to do that.
But it sounds like you are interested in women, so onward.
Because I have in the past, you know, had girls, and I could talk to girls, and I'm a complete loser, but just kind of going through some shit right now with that.
I was just, you know, calling to see what your thoughts are on that and how I can kind of pull myself out of this funk.
Dude, you can pull yourself right out of that funk.
I'm going to tell you that, how to unfunk.
Dude, how to ungunk your funk.
How to ungunk your funk?
This is how.
You got to stop the masturbation.
You got to stop the pornography.
If you feel like it's gotten out of control, people that are just watching it and enjoying it and not everybody's calling and saying they feel like it's gotten out of control.
So if you feel that way, that's probably based on something real.
You know, that it's become a bad habit.
It can probably be a healthy habit for you again one day, but for now, you might want to address it.
You know, and some people think I'm crazy.
Well, dude, he can jerk off.
What is it?
This fella just trying to jerk off.
But if now he's reaching out and he's not comfortable for him anymore, then it's not a fun game for him.
You know, yeah, I get it, dude.
It's fun.
You know, I remember cruising on the interstate and, you know, blasting one out the side of an open van door.
You know?
And that was a blast, dude.
But those days are over.
And now when you're just doing it at home and you're not going out and meeting people, so what you got to do is you got to cut it off.
Not your wiener, bruh.
But you just have to stop it.
You got to find some ways to stop it.
You got to find habits.
Notice what your habits are whenever you do it and shut it down at night.
No electronics late at night.
Shut it down.
And as you get away from it, you get 30 days away from it.
I promise you, you'll just start to feel better in your body.
You'll feel more motivated.
You'll feel more confident.
And I'll even tell you this, man.
They got SAA meetings.
And that's sexual addiction stuff.
And that can be anything, man.
It doesn't mean you're out there perverting.
You know, it doesn't mean you out there peeping timing or, you know, being a weirdo.
They got them.
I'm looking here right here online.
They have them on Monday, Thursday, and Friday in Shreveport, Louisiana.
So you can check them out.
Nobody's going to know that you heard it on here and went.
Nobody's going to know anything like that.
But go check it out, man.
You can hear about it.
You can hear other people share what's going on with them.
It's recovery, bro.
You can get in that and make yourself feel better, dude.
You know what I'm saying?
Get off that seed gun.
Because you're just getting handy with the seed gun, baby.
You wired Earp.
When you come to your crotch, bro, you are wired ERP.
And that's okay, man.
You just got to settle that Wild West down.
You got to settle that.
You got to take the wild out of the West for a while.
And I promise you, you'll feel invigorated.
You'll feel more confident.
You got to let that Chi built up.
You got to let that Chi build up.
And I'm telling you that because I know that.
You know, I'm telling you that because I know it.
And you ain't alone, baby.
I've been out in them skeet streets.
And I know some people say that I beat this topic to death, play on words, of course.
But look, if you're calling about it and I can share about it, man, then I'm happy to do that.
And I appreciate you guys all hitting the hotline.
We got one more call right here.
But good luck, man.
And if you even want to just hit me on the hotline again, I won't put the call on, but just to let me know what's going on or if you want to talk about it in the future, man, I'm happy to discuss it.
But yeah, it's a battle out there, dude.
It's a battle out there.
If you want to be a man that's not caught up in the dark arts, you know, that's not out there, you know, hiding in the living room while your wife is laying in the other room, and she's wondering why your sex life is bad, and you're out there spraying out, laying down in the tub, trying to be quiet, jacked up on some porn hub.
You know, it's tough, guys.
I'm not saying you're not wrong for doing it, but it's tough.
And we're battling that shit.
We're better than that.
You know, they create these things to weaken us, to beat us down.
You think George Washington was jerking off at night, dude?
Hell no.
That dude was sharpening his wooden teeth and being ready for the next day.
And they say he just chopped down one cherry tree.
I bet that motherfucker chopped down all of them because he showed up.
You know, he battled his tough times.
Imagine having termites in your teeth and you still got to wake up and smile.
It's tough to be a man these days.
They don't want us to be a man.
But we're not going to fall down, baby.
We're not.
We're going to toe the line, man.
Good luck to you out there.
But you can check out where those meetings are at, at saa.recovery.org.
And it doesn't mean you're a creeper or a weirdo, dude.
Trust me, the most amazing people you'll meet are in some of these meetings, dude.
Businessmen, professionals.
Heroes, bruh.
Heroes.
All right, let's hit one more call here on this hot line.
Y'all got me feeling fired up.
You know what I'm saying?
Fired up.
I'm about to swim down to Houston and use my body as a sandbag.
Again, you can donate.
You can text H-A-R-V-E-Y to 90999.
If you can't find a way to help, help like that.
Take $10 out of your pocket, put it into somebody else's that can help.
JJ Watt has a great charity that's online.
You can hit them up online.
Just Google JJ Watt Charity and see what they're doing to help out.
Let's do one more call.
This call came in from a gentleman.
Hey, Theo.
I just wanted to thank you for the fresh perspective that this past weekend continually reminds me to stay positive and celebrate living.
And just got a little baby girl born three days ago.
Healthy and happy and gorgeous as ever.
I appreciate you doing the Lord's work on the back of that skullet.
Brendan Charles right here about to take the comedy game to a whole new level.
Love you, brother.
Take care.
Love you too, man.
Congratulations, dude.
You got that three-day-old baby girl, huh?
Look at us, man.
That's a supportive.
You want to support feminists?
That's how we do it.
We're bringing daughters into the world.
You know, we're raising them to be good women, you know, to be confident, to be able to become good mothers.
You know, we're trying to lead by example.
We might fail at times, but we get back up.
And I appreciate that call, man.
You know, I really appreciate that call.
I appreciate the thank you.
Because, yeah, it's tough out here, man.
It's tough out here for me.
You know, and it's nice when I get to get these calls because, you know, I wish a lot of times that, you know, I'd left out here to Los Angeles and moved home and had myself a family by now, you know, and had that.
You know, and I get, you know, a little bit, you know, a little jealous.
So I appreciate you sharing that with me.
It makes me feel like I'm a part of something.
But yeah, man, girls, little girls are the cutest, dude.
My family was never very close.
And then my sister had a baby.
When she first had it, I was like, man, I was so angry at her.
I'm like, what are you doing?
You don't even know about life.
I was just so judgmental.
And then, man, once I got to know this kid, you know, and she's just the light of my life.
And now she has two daughters.
And, you know, anything they do just brings joy to me.
And they brought so much joy to me over the years just by being alive.
You know, and little girls are so sweet, man.
And so that's, I appreciate you sharing that blessing with us.
You know, that's what it's about.
You know, that's what it's about, dude.
We're out here trying to help each other out to remind each other what we can be, boy.
We taking this thing.
So thank you.
I appreciate that call, man.
You know, we're trying.
We're in this together, dude.
We celebrate and living.
So hit the hotline.
Check out YouTube and check out the new set, man.
I'm so thankful to Ken Hyland, one of my producers who helped put this set together for me, man.
I am, dude, this is cool.
We're doing some cool stuff.
We got the Patreon.
You can check that out.
That should be up by Wednesday.
And that is P-A-T-R-E-O-N.com slash Theo Vaughn.
And you can support the podcast directly.
We're just going to have some small ways you can support.
And hopefully some other neat ways that people can get involved and become a part of this.
But by hitting the hotline, you can become involved.
I had a couple more calls on the call list, but I'm not going to get to them because it's 1 a.m.
here.
And I still got to edit this thing and put it up.
But again, my heart goes out to everybody in Texas.
And, you know, if you have somebody that's down there, even if they're not in Houston, text them.
Just let them know you're thinking about them.
You know, let them know that just for a minute that we're not thinking about ourselves.
That's what we're trying to do.
So we're going to celebrate living, man.
Happy birthday to that three-year-old.
And thank you for the callers.
And I'll talk to you guys soon, man.
Finish my coffee.
And this is the Spencer Jacob Growl G-R-A-U band.
and that link will be in the YouTube as well.
Celebrate living, celebrate misery You know that soon we're gonna die And as well, if anybody has a topic that they'd like to have us address on the podcast, call in and say, hey, this is a topic suggestion.
I'd love to know whatever.
I mean, that hotline is open.
If you call and mess up or whatever, call back.
You know, there's no judgment on that.
There's no judgment.
And thank you for everybody that called and shared some of their thoughts and feelings.
I really appreciate it, man.
I really, really do.
I'm excited today, man.
excited.
Celebrate our days.
Celebrate all your ways.
All of your demons exercise.
Close this out right here, man.
You guys be good to yourselves.
I bet you deserve it.
I'm going to try.
I'm going to try, man.
I'm going to try.
No promises, but I'm going to try, man.
You guys be good, thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sui.
Here's a deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John Main.
I'll take a quarter pot of his cheese at a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
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