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Aug. 21, 2017 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
01:01:44
8-21-17 | This Past Weekend #38

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This past weekend Okay, we got the audio going cutting this on Just took my affrin so Hopefully that's gonna help me breathe Happy to be here a little frustrating I'm
trying to quit smoking Thank you for joining me man and I haven't been a smoker but I just kind of started you know really just kind of farting around with the habit and and cigarettes are crazy.
I don't know what they put in cigarettes cocaine maybe but they are an enticing little treat you know and you start thinking you they become the first thing you think of sometimes cigarettes you know they become the first thing that you think of if you're having a moment of difficulty or a moment of triumph instead of thinking oh man how do I solve this how do I feel about this how do I do anything instead you have a cigarette you know you just smoke that feeling out of your brain
and out of your bloodstream with that cigarette smoke you know and this is an age-old tradition and I don't think it's bad long term if you can use it in severe moderation the problem is doing that that's the hard thing so I've done great with it over the years flared up probably in the past year the past few months I've been great and then now it's really I've fallen just in the past three or
four days just fell back down that stairs you know that carcinogen staircase you know when you just just banging your head and on each stair as you bounce down you know emphysema asthma the black lung pop you know getting your toes cut off and the next thing you know you're lying at the bottom of the staircase you know you breathing through one of those you know those gangster ass throat holes you know I mean some of those throat holes get big you know I've seen somebody had I mean I'm surprised a couple ninja turtles didn't pop out of it you know this fella had a real he
had a real um he had a real you know a real little almost like a big third nostril you know he could take a hit off the whole world through his neck but it's not healthy you know when you have that that kind of stuff isn't healthy but but so today I've gone all day I've had some cravings you know I mean if you'd have told me there was a hit of nicotine in my bloodstream I would have I would have dressed up like a vampire and damn bit myself okay that's where I was at but welcome guys I appreciate you being here with me this morning
I really do appreciate your time this is Monday August 21st 2017 and as far as we know and for most of us this will be the only Monday August 21st 2017 that we ever have you know unless there are some time travelers out there you know I like to start thinking about time travel and I'm gonna look into it I'm gonna do some Google research and then some real research you know and just talk to friends and see maybe what they think about time travel are there time travelers
here how does that work what's going on you know what do they eat what do they do what do they do in their spare time you know a lot of times you see these time traveling shows and people travel to time they travel through time with a poignant purpose you know they got something on their mind you know they got a little bit of beef they got a you know that they got a that they have to you know grill but in a different time period so you got them straight up people traveling just trying to you know cure cure meats
you know and by meats I mean different issues that are going on you know maybe they got to travel back 100 years to because they they they're helping with prohibition or they got to travel back 70 years because they're helping you know somebody took a gunshot wound and they got to step in the way of it or something you know there's always a specific meat that they're heading back to grill if you will that's all metaphorical that's hypothetical there's a specific reason that they're traveling back in time right well I wonder
what do time travelers do when they're not being specific you know what do they do when they're just kind of milling around do they you know you know is it hard if you travel back in time because you don't have the the the the customs and the probably the dope future shit the DFS that they have down the road I don't know but anyhow you might be able to time travel today because it's eclipse day people have been talking about it right it is a solar
eclipse and one of the one of the things that's apparently amazing about this one is that it's the this one is the the the the best one since 1918 that you can see here in the United States it's basically diagonal across the United States from Portland down I want to say to Florida but that's you know just me taking the easiest way out of of this question or out of this thought but it's diagonal across the U.S. There's a lot of people apparently have
descended upon Portland to see stuff go dark, you know.
And it's interesting, man, since 1918, you know, and my father actually, so some of you guys know my father was born in 1910.
So my father was eight years old.
I don't know if he saw the eclipse or not, if it was as big of a thing to them.
But it's just interesting to think sometimes, like, what your parents were doing when they were children.
You know, I always put my parents or I always put adults, especially as you grow up on this odd pedestal, on this special place.
I mean, surely they have more knowledge.
So most of the time you'll accept that.
But then you also put them in this other sort of realm of humanity and of experience.
But then as you get older, it's interesting to try and think back what they were like as children.
I mean, I think about my father in 1918, maybe standing out there looking at the eclipse down in Nicaragua.
I don't know if they got it.
I don't think he came to America actually until he was 12 years old, but I do remember my dad telling me one time that two of his buddies or two children in his neighborhood got into a gunfight.
Children, okay?
Children got into a gunfight.
And they went and, and it wasn't like gangbangers type of stuff.
This was some kids said, I'm going to get my gun.
Some kids said, I'm going to get my daddy's gun.
And they both went and got guns, six shooters.
Then they came outside and they both shot at each other six times each, 12 times, and didn't hit each other, dude.
I mean, that's, when you think about it, that is remarkable that two kids, somewhere around the age of 10 or 11 years old or 12 years old, went and got six shooters, shot them off at each other, and didn't hit each other, man.
I mean, that's truly beautiful when you think about it.
You know, I mean, but those were different times, man.
That's maybe when you settled things like that, you know.
But it's the longest visible eclipse in America since 1918.
You know, I wonder if animals and plants, are they concerned?
Like when the sun goes out, you know, are dogs gonna, will cats give a fuck?
You know, will ferns kind of start creeping on people or, you know, getting irregular?
You know, I'm just kind of wondering what else the rest of nature is doing.
You know, because we have 50,000 people flying to Oregon to go witness this.
You know, I think I'm fine witnessing it from here.
It'll hit us at 10.28 a.m.
Pacific Standard Time.
So that's, you know, noon 28 a.m., noon 28 p.m.
Central Standard Time.
So if you want to get out there and check it out, man.
But yeah, I think about that sometimes, what our parents were like, like what they did when they were young, because they just did regular dumb kid shit like we did, you know?
Like they weren't our parents back then.
They were just children when they were young.
So they were just doing dumb shit, you know.
And my father probably lived in a time, I'm thinking, you know, when over the summer or whatever, your buddies just died, you know?
And even a lot of times, like the 30s and stuff, the Dust Bowl, 20. I mean, people just died.
You're like, I mean, people only lived to maybe, what, 40 years old, 41?
People died all the time, you know?
You'd be walking to church or something, somebody gets bit by a snake, dies, dude, before brunch.
I mean, that's crazy.
You know, it's crazy to think that.
How people just died all the time.
Fever, snakes, you know, spiders, attack animals, you know, strangling.
Strangling?
Dude, come on.
Can you even imagine the amount of strangling that was going on back then?
You know, I mean, you could leave for a school year, come back, half your class is missing.
You know, two people died of tetanus.
One kid bitten by a wolf.
You know, where's Lawrence?
I don't know.
You know, he went to get some water.
Nobody ever saw him again.
You know, do you want some of his old pants?
I don't know.
Let's play marbles before we probably die.
You know, let's get a game of marbles in before the Lord comes and gets us.
You know, that's what I'm thinking.
It probably should have been a wild universe back then, you know?
But the eclipse is here, man.
It's a great time probably to steal some shit if you're thinking about stealing some shit.
Great time to show somebody your dick or something, you know, if you're into that kind of stuff, if you're into the dark arts.
But it's a great time to kind of act out, I think.
And I think it's nice also because we've been needing something in America that, especially in America, maybe in the world that just shows us that Mother Nature is the boss.
You know, we're kind of hooked on us being the boss.
We control it all.
You know, we're one fancy tidal wave from everybody, you know, being out on the street, you know, shanking each other out for cans of albacore fish.
You know, we are one long, you know, thunderous earthquake away from people, you know, setting traps in the park to try and get a pair of new shorts.
You know, I mean, that's where we're at.
You know, people don't realize that.
I think we've gotten so caught up in ourselves, we're almost bored in America, you know, in the way that we don't, we're starting to forget that we're humans in a way.
I don't know if that makes sense to anybody, but we're starting to forget that we're humans.
You know, like being human doesn't seem as important as like being right or being wrong or being selfish.
Those things seem to have taken utmost importance.
But I don't know, man.
It's just wild, dude.
So I'm glad that Mother Nature's coming just to do a little bit of aerial work, you know, a little bit of cirque de solar, you know, get out there and show her nuts off.
Because you know Mother Nature's transgender, don't you know?
Don't you know that?
You know Mother Nature's transgender, dude.
I mean, you know she's getting out there with them solar balls, you know, and going to make them work, make them do a little bit of sky work.
So I'm excited to see that.
Because we need something.
We need something just to show us that, you know, that we as people are more important.
We need to have some empathy.
There's not a lot of empathy these days.
Everybody wants to be right.
You know?
Why do we have to be right?
That's so crazy.
You know, I can understand us wanting to be right, but having to be right is just kind of a reach.
But anyhow, what else is going on, man?
Yeah, I was just thinking about that.
You know, what it was like when my father was young.
He told me kids were real starving out in Nicaragua, and they would eat dirt.
He said they had children that would eat dirt in this village where his family was doing some missionary work over there or where they were doing some church work.
And he'd see children eating dirt, you know, making, but they would mold the dirt into food and then eat it.
And that's pretty, it's interesting.
You know, it's kind of ball.
That's pretty gangster, you know?
It's like, yeah, anybody could just eat dirt, dude.
But what about this dirt brulee I'm about to have?
I respect people like that, people that have an imagination even in the toughest of times.
Yeah, I hate to say that, but I mean, maybe that's wild, but I feel like we need something in Mother Nature or in the world.
And I don't want to, you know, I've thought about a war even, to be honest, you know?
I mean, I don't want to see loss of life and that sort of thing, but we need something that helps us all realize that we are on the same page, you know, that we are humans here together.
I mean, it's crazy to think that we are this speck in the middle of nowhere and we're fighting.
I mean, are we, you know, what's wrong with us?
You know, that we're a speck in the middle of nowhere.
We could be doing anything and we're fighting, man.
And we're not all fighting, but these days in America, there's a lot of, there's a lot of boiling, a lot of boiling going on.
A lot of people boiling.
A lot of people, you know, thinking, feeling.
And I'll say one thing that's interesting, man.
It's great almost.
You know, I like the fact that even though it's frustrating when I wake up or when I hear, I feel, I have a, I care.
I have a point of view.
Because for a long time, my generation, I'm 37 years, I'm an adult male.
And for my generation, there was a 20-year span there where there was no, you got up, you didn't really care.
Everybody just kind of went on with everything.
There was no sides.
There was no purpose.
There was no vigor.
You almost didn't even need your nut sack.
I remember at the time, I was remember thinking, do I need, you know, I wish my nuts were detachable.
I'd leave them here at the house.
I'd hang them by that one winter hat that I wear once a year.
You know, or that whistle.
Everybody has a freaking whistle on their dang coat rack.
What are you doing with a stupid whistle?
That creeps me out.
When I go to your place and you got, if you got a hat rack, I'll look at it.
I love, I've always been a kind of an aficionado of hat racks and C-Racks, coat racks.
And I will, if you got a whistle hanging there, dude, but you're not really, you're not a referee or something, shut it down.
Shut it down, baby bear.
You know?
But I'm excited.
You know, I am hopeful because now people are feeling.
There's purpose.
People are going to, people want to say something.
People want to feel something.
You know, I get up out of bed and I feel.
Might be anger, but at least I'm feeling.
At least I'm being reminded that I'm alive, you know?
Because we're quickly, in other ways, turning into zombies.
And I feel like maybe that, you know, I don't want it to be, well, I love a natural disaster of some crazy sort.
It might sound, you know, it sounds a little crazy saying it.
But if not, do we just taper off into oblivion with losing our feelings and becoming, you know, just, we're going to be the worst robots.
We'll be eliminated and real robots will take over.
You know, I remember talking to my niece the other day.
I'm talking about imagination.
I say, use your imagination.
And she goes, I don't think I have that on my phone.
Like, what?
I say, your imagination.
It's an app that's in your head.
You know, but it's like, man, so I just would love to be, because if you're in the trenches, if there's something on the line, if there's a war, there's a natural disaster, if the aliens coming, you know, then you're going to have to team up with something.
It's not going to matter.
You know, because then we're all going to be on the same side.
We're going to realize that we're all humans.
We're not just weirdos hiding behind Twitter, threatening each other and fighting.
And I use Twitter, but GD, man, let's shut it down.
That thing is ruining humanity.
It's ruining it.
It's just fury.
I open Instagram, I'm kind of okay on Instagram.
I feel, you know, it's fun.
You can see things, funny stuff.
Twitter ruins.
It ruins, doesn't it?
It's pretty interesting how different apps have almost become where we go to express certain feelings, you know?
But yeah, my niece thought Imagination was an app.
I don't think I have that on this phone.
You know, using her mother's phone, my sister.
What else?
Jerry Lewis died.
Rest in peace, Mr. Lewis.
If you're not familiar with Jerry Lewis, which a lot of people aren't, a lot of younger people are not familiar with Jerry Lewis, you know, and that's okay.
You know, he was older.
I mean, the guy was in his 90s.
I think he's, I'm going to say 91 years old.
And that's old, man.
When you're 91, I mean, you, you know, you probably have a lot of, you'll take your shirt off, and I bet there's kind of a dust or something in it.
You know, that's part of you.
But visible always on you.
You know, whatever, like you have no, you see old people with their ears a lot of times, just overgrown ears, you know?
Like a family used to live in their ears and then their ears became haunted and now they're not taking care of the yard anymore because the family moved out, you know?
I mean, sometimes you see old people have hair.
I remember this one dude had a hair coming right off his nose, man.
And it was probably four inches long.
I mean, it was almost like a fishing, like a cane pole, like it just was trying to catch fish out of his mouth.
I mean, this man had the longest nose hair I'd ever seen, you know.
And part of me often wonders if at night, you know, after he brushed his teeth, he might pull that fine sucker down and floss his little beautiful, his beautiful little chest pieces in his mouth, you know?
Floss his beautiful enamel pawns he's got.
But yeah, when you get older, sometimes you don't know what's going on.
You know, they had a man in our neighborhood.
He had a big hump on his back, you know?
This man named Big Dan, but they called him Moby Dan because of the hump.
You know, he real pale.
It kept him out of the sun.
And then his cousin would walk around usually.
And his cousin was probably maybe 20 years younger, but his cousin would kind of put, they didn't have an umbrella, but he'd put like a tarp over him if he had to Be outside, you know.
And Moby Dan, that's just what the kids kind of joked and called him, but he had this big old hump and it just kept growing.
And it got almost higher than his head, dude.
I mean, if a bunch of pirates would have seen him, they probably would have damn thrown harpoons in him.
You know, he's big, too, fat, blubbery, Rubin-esque, they called it at the time, you know.
Pretty happy man, though, overall.
I remember that.
But I know that if it was real bright out and he had to be outdoors, or if he was at a picnic, whatever, his cousin would kind of throw a tarp over him to keep the sun off of him.
And I always thought that that was pretty sentimental, you know, when somebody in your family cared enough to cover you up with a tarp or to, you know, hold something over your head so that the sun or the elements didn't get you.
You know, I wish people in our neighborhood would have done that with their cars and stuff.
A lot of rust.
And I grew up really, not in the rust belt, in the tetanus belt, where you needed a shot if you were planning on getting out and about into the world.
You know that.
But Jerry Lewis died, man.
If you want to go back and watch some of his work, I'll watch the Original Nutty Professor.
And you can see at the time, I mean, Jerry Lewis was, they don't have artists like him anymore.
They don't really allow you to function at that level of confidence.
Very rarely.
Like, you'll see like a Neil Patrick Harris can do that when he's hosting like the Tony Awards or something where he's singing, he's dancing, he's telling jokes, it's one to the next.
But Jerry Lewis was like that constantly.
And I think directors and programming on television used to allow the actors to move and breathe.
It wasn't, every shot wasn't just such a close-up and, okay, this line and now this line and this line and this line.
And the actors had chances to be more whimsical.
Even on late-night shows, the talent had chances, I feel like, to be more whimsical.
And he was as whimsical as they came, Jerry Lewis.
I mean, you can watch him almost at any age, and it was extremely impressive.
You know, and I just wish that talent these days had that freedom.
You know, these days, it's almost like the art caters, we've got to get the episode moving so that it can get to the commercial break so that, you know, we'll keep the commercials happy.
Whereas if you look at older stuff and older pictures, it looked like it was more just like the whole, whatever the production was, the show, the film, it could breathe a little bit.
And maybe that was just Jerry Lee Lewis.
Sorry, not Jerry Lee Lewis, Jerry Lewis.
Maybe it was just Jerry Lewis who they let him breathe because they could rely on him that much.
He had that much talent.
But a very special man.
Go check him out.
What else happened this weekend, man?
I went to the beach.
Went to the beach out here in Santa Monica.
I took a nap in the sunshine.
Have you ever done that?
Feels great when you start.
Feels insane when you wake up.
When you get home.
Part of your face, part of your body, one, you know, half of your neck, half of your cheek.
And I was out there at Santa Monica where I was at the beach by the pier.
And I'll tell you this, man, you get out in the water out there.
I went out for a swim.
Not the best idea.
Swimming by the pier.
I didn't know that a lot of sewage runoff goes out there, right?
First of all.
So I kept thinking, this water's sandy, right?
There was sand in it for sure.
Who knows what else was in it, man?
And you're out there and that's a violin ocean.
They call it the Pacific, but I'll tell you this.
That's a bait and switch on you.
Because you get out there in that Pacific and that thing is doing anything but acting pacified.
All right, I'll say that.
I was right by the pier and I remember I got pushed out a little.
You know, I'm out there kind of surviving because I don't swim as much as I kind of survive in the water.
That's more how I operate in the ocean.
Not in pools.
In pools, I can kind of handle myself.
Shallow end, I'm a master of the shallow end.
I'm Daniel Day Lewis in the shallow end.
My left foot, my right foot, I will drink your milkshake.
You know what I'm saying?
I'll do it all in the shallow end.
I'm a fucking, you know, I'm damn, you know, Tanya Harding, you know, damn Giro Baldi or whoever, somebody that can dance, you know, Jillian Huff.
But I'll, you know, I'll handle the shallow end.
But when I get into the deep end, that's when things get squirrely for me and in the ocean.
So I'm out there.
I'm kind of starting to drift a little bit.
It's getting violent.
The water's getting violent, you know.
And there's a lot of alcoholics out there, and there's two fellas pissing off the dock.
Because that Santa Monica Pier is right there, the one you see in all the movies with the Ferris wheel and kids are all geeked up and fired up.
So I start drifting off into this area where you're not even allowed to swim in for some reason.
I don't know why.
I mean, I'm guessing because the ocean can push you up against the wooden parts of the pier, you know, the things that are holding you up.
They're just like big brown chopsticks.
I don't know what they are.
They're pieces of wood.
You know what they are.
You know, quit making me describe them.
But yeah, I got pushed in.
These two dudes are pissing right off of it.
Alcoholics, you know.
I'm guessing alcoholics because everybody else is hanging out with their children and tending, you know, to their kids and keeping sun out of each other's eyes.
And these men are out there urinating, you know, firing off things that they drinking previously the day before today and dripping that out of their wieners out into the water.
And I'm getting spooked because I'm like getting pushed in that general direction, right?
And then it gets closer and closer and it's like, you know, sometimes the ocean, you don't realize how powerful it is.
So I literally have to like go underwater and swim under this, you know, this urine that these boys are doing.
And that's one of those moments, too, where you just realize that, you know, that Mother Nature is in control, that life isn't always going to go how you want it, you know?
So that was kind of like, if I don't see the solar eclipse tomorrow, having to hold my breath and swim under water that had other men's urine in it coming straight down.
Just, I mean, just straight down, you know?
I mean, it was probably, the water I was hitting was probably at that point 4%, 4% urine.
But when you know it's coming in hot like that, it's alarming.
But anyway, swam under that.
That was my eclipse.
You know, swimming from regular water and then Having to swim past in front of two adult men doing urine.
So, but yeah, the beach was fun, man.
You know, I realized I don't mind the beach.
Once I get there, I'm good.
You know, half my face is really red today, part of my back's a little squirreled up.
But what I don't like is getting to the beach, parking.
I don't like, you know, some guy comes by my window, some Frenchman, he tells me I can have his parking spot.
Then he goes and gets in his car for, I'm not joking, 12 minutes, dude.
Sits there.
I'm waiting, right?
Other cars are passing me, getting other spots.
It's an extremely small lot right there on Santa Monica.
Finally, man, I look over there, dude.
I go get a peep at the dude, right?
Dude's resting, bro.
Eyes closed, resting in his car.
The fucking French, man.
The fucking French, you know?
French me once.
Shame on me.
You won't French me again.
I'm not falling for this French shit.
So, yeah, so that, that, you know, Jerry Lee Lewis, we got the eclipse.
Dealt with the French.
Yeah, I don't like just, you know, I don't like, I don't think that I really so much like dealing with the French.
And then God has put a French taste in my mouth, man, and I don't like it.
But what else occurred, man, this weekend?
Not much, you know.
Trying not to stuff them cigarettes, you know.
And I probably only had yesterday, I think I had three or four cigarettes, probably four.
Because, you know, a lot of times we'll say something, and it's usually the amount that we don't want to admit to, so we'll try and cheat it.
But I probably had four cigarettes yesterday, but man, they just make me feel squirreled up.
You know, they make me feel like, I don't know, they make me feel like there's just little mites in my body that aren't happy.
That's what they make me feel.
They make me feel like something's in me that's unhappy.
And that's the drugs that's in them.
They put drugs in cigarettes.
What else?
That's kind of it, man.
You know, I'm going to Vancouver next weekend, but not for comedy.
I've got my fantasy football league coming up.
I'm so happy for fantasy football, man.
I remember last year when feminism was at a crazy height, you know, when there were, you know, where men were disappearing off the streets and showing back up months later in wigs and, you know, no, just a dead look in their eyes.
You know, women were ripping men off the streets and probably castrating them in basements or doing whatever they were doing, you know.
And football season showed up and it was like the greatest thing that ever happened just to have a little bit of manhood loose in the world.
Like something, it was, it was something it was okay to talk about when you were a man, you know?
Just because, I mean, and I understand, you know, you got to have some waves where, you know, you have to have ebbs and flows of things.
But I remember it got so insane that you felt like you couldn't even admit you were a man in the morning.
You almost had to be like, hey, you know, happy to be here.
I might be a woman.
I don't know.
We'll see.
You know, it's almost like you had to like, you know, pledge like that.
You don't know.
I might be a woman in a few years considering it just to even walk around.
And that's here in Los Angeles I'm talking about.
But let's get to some dates, man.
I got to some calls.
But yeah, I'm going to Vancouver this weekend.
I'm excited about getting into Canada.
You know, I was just there in Montreal, but I'm excited about getting back.
I will be at the Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, and that's September 7th, 8th, and 9th.
I will be at Hilarities in Cleveland, September 14th through 17th.
And then October, I'll be out here in Los Angeles.
November, I'll be in Huntsville, and that is November 16th through the 19th.
That's Huntsville, Alabama.
So I'm stoked about that.
You can check out tickets, everything at theova.com slash tour.
I have a bunch of new stand-up comedy bits that I'm going to be putting up.
And enjoy the eclipse.
You know, I will say enjoy it.
Even if you go outside to peek on what it is, I think this is one thing that's going to bring people together, even if it's just for a minute.
I mean, I think here in LA, we can only see it for a minute and a half.
And we only get about 63% of the sun will be eclipsed.
I don't think it's going to be like nighttime, but if it is, dude, pull out some nighttime antics.
You know what I'm saying?
Touch somebody's nuts, dude.
Live a little bit.
Touch your own nuts.
You know, what am I saying?
Somebody else's.
That could be illegal if you don't know these people.
Touch your own nuts, dude.
You know what I'm saying?
Sneak your hand in your pants.
Do something squirrely.
Break a rule.
You can't break a rule anymore.
Break a rule.
You know what I'm saying?
Scratch your ass a little.
You know?
Call somebody a cocksucker.
You know, walk outside with somebody from your company that you don't know.
Stare at the sun.
You don't need glasses.
If your boss lets you out to watch the eclipse and they don't require you to have glasses or give you glasses, we're talking about one of the potential greatest class action lawsuits of all time.
Look, we live in a lawsuit universe.
I hate to say it.
I don't like it, but that's what it is.
All right?
So get out there.
If your boss says it's okay, get your eyes open.
Tape your eyes open.
You know what I'm saying?
Get that money.
Get that eclipse cash.
Stacks on stacks on stacks.
Solar stacks.
Lunar stacks.
Stachydacalus, boy.
You know, I'm a straight up Stachosaurus Ricks.
Get that money.
All right, so let's get into some calls.
I appreciate all the love and support.
You can hit the hotline 985-664-9503.
Talk about anything, something you heard today.
The new studio is still coming along.
You know, I got my assistant on Monday, my boy Ken.
He's a producer, too.
We do some projects together.
Comes over, starts building the studio, leaves.
Leaves his tools, everything.
Like, okay.
Did you get kidnapped?
Do you got kidnapped?
You gone?
What happened?
So couldn't even really navigate it, but going to try to this week.
You know, going to try to finish it up.
But we're coming along.
The dining room is turning into a studio.
So I'm excited.
Thank you guys for your support.
Listenership's increasing.
I'm excited about that.
Hit the hotline.
Let's talk about some things.
Let me know how you feel.
You know, do you feel like a war or a natural disaster would help humanity?
I know it's extreme.
I know it's an extreme thought, but let's think about it.
And also, if you hear me talk about something on this podcast and you don't like it, I got a lot of emails last week, right?
A lot of emails.
It's fine if you don't like it.
You know, I probably wouldn't like everything that you shared, but call me and let me know why you don't like it.
I'm okay with learning a new perspective.
I'm okay with not being right.
You know, I'm not here to be right, you know, but I am here to be able to share how I feel.
You know, I am here.
I'm here all day.
I'm going to be eating feel flakes, baby.
I open up a big bag of feel flakes because you're going to know how I feel.
But I don't have to be right.
I'm okay with being wrong.
You know, if you want to help me be, if you want to help show me that I'm wrong, I'm perfectly fine with that.
Hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
Let's get into a call or two here.
One of the things we asked was how you felt about if the world were ending.
What would your thoughts be?
What would you do with your time?
What would happen last day?
Let's check in with some of that.
What up, Phil?
This is JJ calling from the Northwest area.
Okay, we got JJ from the Northwest area.
All right, thank you for calling today.
I hope you're okay.
You sound a little bit like something you're hurt or something.
I hope you're not hurt, you know, my buddy.
And I don't know where the Northwest area sounds super vague, but we're going to keep listening.
God bless you.
Hussain, what would you do if the world was coming to an end, as you know, it didn't have one day left?
Honestly, bro, what I would do is I would just want to be around all of my family.
Don't want to worry crazy or do anything crazy.
I think, you know, maybe just have a big barbecue with all your family.
Ooh, a big barbecue with all your family.
That'd be interesting.
I appreciate you calling, brother.
Yeah, a big barbecue would be interesting.
But then you're going to have to invite everybody over for this.
Are they all going to, you know, I guess I should have just let, you know, we should have decided on how long in advance you knew the world was ending.
But let's say, yeah, you got the end of the world barbecue.
Wow, that'd be pretty cool.
What kind of music would you play?
You know, you'd probably have to drop a little bit of Tupac in there.
I'd go with some, probably some, I want to say Kenny Chesney, but I'd even go with some, you need some heartfelt Americana country in there, too, I think.
I would go with maybe some not Travis Tritt, who am I thinking of?
Maybe, shit, I might throw some Shania in there, you know, turn that thing up, get the ladies pumping a little bit.
You know, I'd throw a little Cupid shuffle in there because it's family.
So you know you're going to want to have grandma out there hitting that Cupid shuffle.
You know, that love movement.
That's beautiful, man.
I love watching an old woman dance, dude.
There's something beautiful about it.
Watching a baby and an old woman dance.
There's something beautiful about it, isn't there?
You know, I remember I used to stay up at night on the internet looking at videos of seniors dancing and people in community college.
I used to watch a lot of community college beauty contests on YouTube.
And there's some really good ones on there.
You think it's wild, but there are some good ones.
But the videos that would get me the most would be senior citizens dancing with children.
There's something special about it.
Something bringing us all together.
But yeah, barbecue.
But then you got like, what if the food is bad?
What if you got the shitty potato salad?
You sound like you're taking along a lot of responsibility.
And I'm going to judge a little bit by how you sound here.
I don't know if you're stoned, but you sound, you know.
If you call into the hotline, stand up or sit up when you call and talk.
This is a conversation.
Just respect it a little bit in that sense, unless you are on a machine or something, brother.
And if that's the case, then, you know, God be good to you.
And I hope that if you need a lung or something, hit me up.
You know, because I think I don't know.
I don't have good lungs.
I got a small esophagus.
You know, I got the heart of a lesbian and I got the esophagus of a cat.
That's what they told me when I was young, when I first went to the doctor.
He said, you got the windpipe of a very large cat, the man said there at Oxner Hospital in New Orleans.
Mr. Bob Ahrensman told me that.
That I had the windpipe of a large, large cat.
But yeah, I like an idea, barbecue, but then you're thinking, what is that potato salad?
You know, people are going to get scared then towards the end of the barbecue.
I think the first two hours are going to be a hit.
You know, you're probably going to want to have liquor on hand.
People are definitely going to want to drink on the way out.
How does it end, though?
When you really think about it, think about it.
You're at the family barbecue, the world's ending, the sun's going down.
It's your last sunset.
What happens then?
Do people get territorial?
People get sad?
Is the whole family huddled up?
What about that pervy uncle?
Is he reaching around the huddle?
You know?
Is he trying to touch a young ass cheek of somebody that's a distant cousin?
First cousin is illegal.
Second cousin, not illegal.
And you can look it up.
You can say it's creepy or whatever.
Yes, it's creepy.
It's creepy out here when I got a million days to live, but when you're on that last day, how creepy is it if you have, I'm not talking fully sexual, but I'm talking if you wanted to kiss, you know, kiss somebody and just see what the feeling was like one last time.
You know, you know around 11 o'clock, people will be jumping over into the neighbor's yard, probably looking for sex.
Do you think that?
Or do you think you'd all just sit there and be harmonious?
You know, it's really interesting.
And you can judge me and say, well, Theo, this is grotesque to think about.
That's fine.
That's fine if it is a little bit Grotesque.
But to think about it isn't.
You know, to think about, you're right there.
You know, people are, it's the end of the day.
It's the party.
Some things have gone okay.
The potato salad was rancid.
Somebody's sick.
It's the end of the world.
Some of the kids went to bed early.
What the fuck?
You know, nine-year-old Lawrence, he fell asleep early.
What?
He doesn't even care.
Maybe one of your, somebody got too fucked up, passed out.
They're missing the end.
But you know, you can have somebody that's deviant in the family.
They're going to want to jump across and maybe be swingers or do something, reach out to the neighbors.
I'm just saying, I appreciate your call, man.
It's interesting to think about what it would really be like at the end of the world.
You know, what it would really, really, really, really be like.
I don't know.
Let's take another call.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo.
It's your boy Tom from rural North Carolina.
Just calling for basically if the world were to end today and we knew it, how would I handle that?
All right.
This is Tom from rural North Carolina.
Tom's called before.
He's a frequent caller now.
And Tom, I like the way that you call, man, and that's one of the reasons.
You know, I know I'm a little bit testy tonight, guys, but, you know, I'm trying not to have a damn cigarette, dude.
You know?
I mean, I, dude, I would suck a tobacco farmer's cack right now just to see, you know, just to maybe catch a drag.
I'm going through that moment.
I know it'll only last about 30 seconds, but that's what happens, you know?
That's what happens sometimes.
And I'm not even a regular, I can't even imagine what this is like for severe smokers.
I cannot even imagine.
Wow.
But if you also, if you smoke and like it, go enjoy a cigarette.
I'm not trying to rein on anybody's parade.
But thank you for calling, Tom, from rural North Carolina.
That's tobacco country.
I can smell it through the speakers here.
But thank you for calling about the topic.
What would you do, Tom?
It's the end of the world.
It's your last day.
Let's hear it.
So what I would do is I would do what I would do.
I would go to work, just like any other day, go home, see my girl.
Wait, you go to work, dude?
That's a company man, bro.
You would go to work.
Tom, we're talking about the end of the world.
You're going to go spend seven.
You're going to be the only person at FedEx who's bringing their shit in.
Overnight is the best service.
There's no overnight.
Nobody's coming in, Tom.
Nobody's coming in to get their radio fixed or to, you know, or to, you know, buy some new software or something.
I don't even know where you work.
You know?
Nobody's coming in to, I mean, maybe if you ran like a horse place, somebody would come in to get a couple of horses, you know, because it's the last day of their lives and they've never done horseback riding.
Or if you ran like a roller skating thing, you know, people want to probably come and maybe spend a little bit of time in the rink.
But Tom, you're talking about going to work.
I don't even know where you work at.
It's fascinating, though.
You're a lifeguard.
You're the only fucking dude there.
But you're a company man.
You're an organized man.
You stick with the schedule.
That's interesting, Tom.
I never thought about that.
I think most people would call in.
They would be the one day they would be able to call their boss and be like, I'm never, I quit.
Everybody would quit.
That would have to be the first thing you would do in the morning.
Wake up, quit work.
I think by 1 p.m., I think half of the world would be naked.
By 1 p.m.
I remember an experience I had.
I went on this thing called Semester at Sea, and it's like a floating university.
It was a gift.
Somebody gifted this to me.
I would not have been able to have this experience on my own regard.
Just financially, it was interesting.
But I remember, so you go around the world on this cruise ship, and you're at sea for 100 days.
It's a floating university, right?
It's a floating university.
And you get to the, and the further you get along, I noticed people started losing clothes.
You know, by about day 60, you could go to class without a shirt and the women would wear bikini tops.
And by day 90, I remember being in class in a speed-oh, and it was totally okay.
It wasn't just like there were a couple of kids that would do it.
And the rest of the boys, if they felt, you know, just comfortable enough, they would have no shirt on.
And people had wild hairdos.
And you just start to develop, you start to get freer and freer.
That's what I noticed.
Over time, we got freer and freer.
And I think if it's the end of the world, that you're going to have that whole experience kind of, you know, just expedited in a day or in the days leading up to it.
But I think by 1 p.m., that last day, that most of the world would be probably naked.
Just to have that feeling of what does this feel like?
You know, have I been caged up in my clothes?
You know, what kind of existence have I been living that I was kind of forced to live into just by the bumper lanes that were put on the society around me?
I don't know.
Just interesting thought.
But I do remember on that cruise, by the last 10 days, we were in class, you know, just out in some ocean somewhere, and we were in Speedos, and it was totally okay.
Everybody was comfortable with it.
It was really interesting just how we got almost, you know, just got back to being comfortable in our skin.
All right, onward.
I'm sorry, Tom.
Onward with the rest of your call.
Now that your day at work is over, what would you do?
I would do what makes me happy every day.
Lift the weight makes me happy.
Being with her makes me happy.
Just trying to be as happy as possible with the last moments we have.
And I would definitely, as sappy and as sentimental as it sounds, I would definitely just sit there and I'd hold her hand as we die.
Wow.
Let me think about that.
So Tom said he would spend, he would go to work, he would go to the gym.
That's pretty dope, actually.
That's commitment.
I like that.
That part I definitely get.
You know, going to the gym, I just get my life.
I'm going.
I am taking my spirit to the end of the line and sticking to my commitments.
I like that.
And then you'd sit There with your girl, and you would hold her hand.
I think that's sweet, man.
You know?
I think you would have people like outside of the deviant uncles and the swingers and the people who, you know, put more of their balls into the sexual court.
I think you'd have a lot of people who are lovers.
You seem like a lover, Tom, who would probably do that too, you know?
Maybe just sit there with their whole family and hold hands.
You know, maybe play a game or just go around in a circle and tell stories about how you really felt about each other.
Because you'd have to get everything off your chest, you know.
You'd have to get rid of all the pain and the hurt and all of the love and the affection and the hope and the you'd have to get it all out.
I mean, I bet a lot of people would be calling people like around 11 a.m.
that they always were in love with and afraid to tell them.
You'd have a lot of crazy stuff.
A lot of phone lines would be down.
A lot of crazy memes.
Young kids, the millennials would all just be doing memes.
The youngest, though, the young, young millennials, I mean, you know, like 11 years old, they would all just be sending dirt memes to each other, not knowing what to do.
But that's interesting.
It's interesting you'd sit there.
Because there's something very manly about that, even though you say that that's sappy.
There's something manly about, you know, that you're going to be there with this lady that you love and not let her go into oblivion alone.
Or at least not let her think that she is.
And I think there's something, there's something still.
Chivalry's not dead, even though the world is, huh?
Even though the world would be.
This is all hypothetical, guys.
And I think we're keeping it pretty lighthearted, so this is good.
I think these are neat thoughts.
All right, let's move onward.
We get another call.
This one came in from Canada, our neighbors to the north.
Hey, CEO.
Jim here.
Hey, Jim.
Calling from Canada.
Got a more serious issue here.
I think my dog's been sexually abused.
What happened was I let someone look after him, and when I got him back, he was acting funny.
He wouldn't eat his food no more.
Okay.
So this is, you know, this is an interesting call.
This is Jim, and he believes that his dog may have been sexually abused.
May have been.
This isn't a stunt call.
I just want to let you guys know that all these calls are real.
Onward, he's not eating his food anymore.
I can't tell if this is a joke or not.
Let's go onward.
He didn't want anyone to touch him.
And the thing is, the person who's looking after him is I've known them to be a sexual behavior in the past.
So what should I do?
Should I call the police?
Like, where do I go from here?
Because I don't want my dog being, like, emotionally scarred from this.
So what do you recommend I do?
Thanks.
I don't know if you call the police.
I don't know.
You know, honestly, I don't know.
I don't have any suggestions.
I've never owned a dog.
I got attacked by a bunch of dogs twice.
My birthday growing up.
Another time I got attacked by some cats.
I got attacked by a lot of animals.
So I never had a dog, you know.
I didn't even know you could pet a dog until I was probably about 11 years old.
I didn't know that people had them as pets and kept them in their homes.
So what do you do?
I mean, I don't know if I would let someone watch my dog if I believe that they have...
I mean, if you think they're that deviant, I think you need to think before lending them anything.
You know, I don't even think I'd lend that guy a screwdriver.
You know, he'd probably try to hide it in his butt.
So, you know, letting him watch a dog that you love or whatever, that's crazy to me.
And I'm sorry that you, I guess I'm sorry you did that.
You know, but I mean, dogs are resilient animals.
You know, I'd read about this or call a veterinarian.
You know, I think I'm the wrong person to call for this, man.
You know, but best of luck to you.
Okay, let's take another call here.
Thank you very much for hitting the hotline.
Again, the hotline number is 985-664-9503.
Here we go.
Hi, Theode.
My name is Kiani Rosario.
Love the podcast.
Just wanted to ask, how do you deal with feeling trapped?
Okay.
This is Mr. Osario, and she's asking, how do you deal with feeling trapped?
Like, it could be in anything, in life, work.
Just been feeling trapped lately.
Okay, she's been feeling trapped lately.
I know her call is kind of low.
She said, Theo, how do you deal with feeling trapped, you know, by life, work?
Wanted to know if you had any advice for that.
Wanted to know if I had any advice for that.
Thank you for calling, young lady.
Our female listenership has been growing, so that's been exciting, and I appreciate the call.
Well, I'll just say this, because you said, how do you deal with feeling trapped?
And I want to say that, you know, it's a feeling.
You know, you're feeling trapped.
And is that the actuality?
You know, because I'm starting to learn in my life that my feelings aren't reality.
You know, my feelings, and sometimes even my feelings are, you know, they usually will tell me that I don't feel good.
But the reality is that that's not the case.
You know, the reality is that things are better than they feel.
You know, the reality is that if I suffer from depression, that sometimes my feelings will just feel bad, even if my life is not that way.
So if you're feeling trapped, is that the reality?
First, I would just look at that, you know, and this is just a suggestion based on some of my experiences.
You know, I would just look at the reality, you know, because your actions are going to be what's real.
You know, if you're going to work and you have people around you that care about you and you're taking care of yourself and all of These things, then those actions sound really good.
Those actions sound promising, and those actions sound like you're doing a good job of living for you or for anyone.
But if you're feeling trapped, it could just be the feeling.
And sometimes what helps get rid of bad feelings is just by noticing the actions that you're taking.
You know, it sounds like you're going to work.
I don't know what's going on in your life, but if it's good things, then the trappedness could just be a feeling.
With that said, have I felt trapped before?
Yeah, I feel trapped sometimes by like when it comes to dating and stuff like that, I feel really trapped when it comes to relationships.
And I don't know why.
You know, I don't know why, really.
I'm actually seeing a therapist now.
I'll see her today, actually, right after the eclipse.
I'll walk into her office.
And she is like a sex and love sort of therapist, but basically she just helps you think.
She's a regular therapist, but she kind of specifies in those sorts of worlds.
And she can help you think about why you behave or feel the way you do in certain relationships.
So maybe if you're really feeling bad, you know, maybe see a therapist if you think that that could help.
What else?
If you're feeling trapped, you know, by life, you could always try changing some things up.
And you could also always try just like a lot of times I remember for years I would wake up and think, man, I know what my life's going to be like today.
I've got to go to work.
I got to do this.
And then I'll have to come home.
And then I'll have to go to the gym.
Or then I got to go get groceries.
And then I got to remember to, you know, empty the DVR or whatever.
And before I even walked out of the front door, I'd already lived my entire day in my head.
And I'd already decided that it was mundane and that it was repetitive and that it wasn't going to be enjoyable.
And so then that's how my day went.
And all day I just felt trapped in this day that I already knew how it was going to go.
And things never changed for me because I didn't allow them room to change.
I know that sounds bizarre, but in my mind, I didn't.
Whereas if I would have got up in the morning and said, hey, today I get to go to work.
Today, then I get to come home and I get to go to the gym or I get to hug my, you know, kid or bird or whatever you have or, you know, or I get to meet the exterminator.
He's coming to get the spiders.
You know, I get to do these things.
I get to live.
I get to eat lunch.
Oh, instead of, man, I got to eat lunch again at the same place across the street.
No, man, I get to eat lunch today.
Holy shit.
Almost make yourself ignorant in a way so that everything can be a surprise in a way.
It's just really about possibility.
Because then if you walk out of the door and say, wow, I get to go to work.
It just feels different.
And then I get to go to the gym.
Wow, anything could happen at the gym.
Instead of thinking, man, at the gym, I'm going to have to do this weights and this weights and this weights.
It's already ruined your workout.
It's not exciting.
But if you go to the gym and be like, man, I could do anything I want.
I get to do whatever.
Even if you're just going to do the same shit you always do at the gym, the way you approach it, if you leave possibility there, you know, anything could happen at the gym, you know.
I might win a new shirt if there's a raffle or somebody might buy me a milkshake or I might get a milkshake after.
Who knows?
Anything is possible, you know?
I might fall in love.
Somebody might jerk me off somewhere behind a machine.
I might jerk off behind a machine.
I mean, those are crazy ideas, but if you leave possibility, then you're walking around with possibility.
The world suddenly that you've lived in a million days in a row, suddenly it's full of mystery and intrigue and possibility.
But those are some thoughts that I have, but if you're really feeling trapped, honey, or I don't mean honey, because that's sometimes belittling, even though I don't think it's belittling.
I think it just means like sweet girl, you know, sweet young lady.
If you're really feeling trapped, you know, and it continues to feel, it could be some psychological stuff, I don't know.
So you might want to maybe talk to a therapist about it.
But if not, those are just some things that I do sometimes that help me when I'm not feeling good.
You know, and just keep talking to people.
You know, just don't feel trapped by yourself.
You know, just don't feel trapped by yourself.
And you're not now.
Since you told me, now we're trapped.
Whoa, we're in an avalanche.
You know, what's going to happen in here?
You know, who's going to be the first one to fart in the avalanche?
You know, stupid things, but when you open it up to possibility, even if it's ridiculous, it makes it better than be like, fuck dang, we're stuck in an avalanche.
This is going to suck.
You know, we'll probably be dead in 17 days.
You know, one of us will have to eat the other one.
You know, boo.
So I think just keep some possibility.
Maybe that could help you feel better.
But I do hope that you feel better, and I appreciate you calling.
I appreciate everybody calling.
I appreciate the calls.
Continue to hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
I have to leave, actually.
I got to go do a set at the comedy store, the world famous comedy store.
I'll be in Vancouver this weekend coming up.
If you know anything fun there to do, let me know.
I do a destination fantasy football draft every year, and this year we're going to go to Vancouver, so I'm very excited about that.
You can hit the store, theovon.com slash store, to get both of my albums that are out, to grab a t-shirt.
Or also we have these beautiful prints that are right behind me.
You can see them on the YouTube.
And they say, keeping my squad hydrated.
And that's a line from one of the albums.
I want to thank Sherb, my editor.
I want to thank Ken, the videographer.
And that's it, man.
That's it.
And I want to thank you guys for listening to me this week and for joining me.
And if you have ideas, things you want to talk about or you want to hear about or discussions you want to start, hit the hotline, 985-664-9503.
And let's talk about things together, man.
I want to talk about what you want to talk about.
I don't want this to be just about my ideas.
I want to know some of yours.
And I'm grateful.
And yeah.
you guys helped me get through that craving for a cigarette.
Wow, thank you.
That really helped, man.
I don't feel it anymore.
So I'm going to celebrate living, man.
You know, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to celebrate living.
I'm going to celebrate living.
Hope you have a good eclipse, huh?
You going to see it?
Will it be cool?
What if it's a dud?
Ah, I don't think it will be.
What if aliens show up, dude?
And what if, honestly, all they want to do?
Suck people's cakes, bro?
Wow.
Imagine spending, you know, the next couple months playing hide our cocks from aliens.
And women, the women will be pissed because the aliens won't be interested in them, you know?
They'll probably blame it on us, some of them, you know, some of the ones who write articles, you know.
They'll be like, oh, these guys are hogging all the aliens.
We're not hogging them, okay?
They're trying to suck our dicks, lady.
You know, cut us some slack.
We didn't tell them to come here and do it.
They're doing it.
You can't be left out because just because aliens aren't interested in you right now.
You know, gosh, can't we have anything?
Can we have aliens?
Can't poor white people have aliens?
You know?
That'd be the coolest if aliens only wanted to blow poor white dudes.
You know?
Because even though people say, oh, dang, bummer, people would feel left out if aliens weren't chasing them.
They would, 100%.
It's just how we're built.
Celebrate living, man.
I'd be naked by 1 p.m., probably jumping over the neighbor's fence, but then I'd come back and hold hands and do the powwow, I think.
That's what I would do.
But be good to yourselves, man.
Take care of yourselves.
Be good to yourselves, you know.
I bet you deserve it.
I'll see you guys next week.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sui.
Easy deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Charmaine.
Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
Oh, no!
Oh.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
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