All Episodes
Previous Next
July 17, 2017 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
57:39
7-17-17: Disneyworld, Nationalism, Infidelity, & Cat recipes | This Past Weekend #33

Theo visits the most happiest place on Earth. Callers on Nationalism and infidelity. Cat recipes.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
This past weekend.
All right, all right.
Check, check.
Are we cruising?
Okay, we're cruising right there.
Let's get going right here.
It is Monday, July 17th, and welcome to this past weekend.
I'm Dio Vaughn.
I appreciate you guys joining me.
I'm in Orlando.
I'm in Orlando, Florida.
I know the audio is kind of bad in here.
I had to set up shop next to this sink and one of those loud refrigerators.
You know, I think a lot of these like mid-level hotels they put in, the refrigerator in the room, it never keeps anything cold.
It basically is just something loud in the corner.
It's almost like a pet.
It's like having a grandparent, you know, that has dementia, but that has like adult asthma, you know, or that kind of snores a little while they sleep and that is always, you know, those, those, they're always just, it's just too much, man.
It's always just, it's like a rattle.
Like the thing always just sort of rattles a little bit.
Like, it'll just kind of click on.
Even though it's on all the time every now and then, the refrigerator just sounds like it just cuts like, ha ha, like somebody startled it or something, you know?
Like somebody just tried to shove something up its freezer section.
I don't know.
I'm in Orlando, man.
It's late.
I had a long day.
I'm about to get into it.
But I want to thank you guys for joining me.
I hope you had a good weekend.
You know, I think a lot of people are still enjoying some of that 4th of July-ness and, you know, a little bit of that aftermath of Labor Day and vacation time.
And I went to Disney World, man.
I went to Disney World this weekend.
That's probably the biggest thing that I did.
I was down here at the Orlando Improv and I went to Disney World.
And I don't know if you've been down to Disney, but I have before.
I went twice.
I went once as a child.
My mother saved up some money, I'm sure, and took my brother and I to Disney World.
My father didn't go.
He was probably 75 at the time, and he stayed at home, and our mom took us.
And I only have a few maybe vague recollections from that, just still images in my head.
But I went to Disney World when I was in high school, and we took acid.
We took some LSD.
Now, this was a time when people were experimenting with drugs, which is all the time in America.
You know, if you've ever been around or opened your eyes in America, you'll see people on drugs.
And we went there.
We took a bus from Louisiana over to Orlando, Florida, here where I am right now.
And we stayed in some shit motel.
And it was a school-organized trip.
And they brought us down.
And I remember on the bus, I'd been seeing a gal at the time in high school.
And I remember we're making love on the bus.
I remember that.
You know, getting in the middle of the night.
I remember, you know, her, you know, just escalating her body on top of me and making love.
And really making that joy, adding more joy to that bus ride than usual bus rides because I've been on some other bus rides and I'm happy to talk about those.
And I would like to just, while I'm thinking about it, let's make that the topic for next week.
If you have been on a wild bus ride, I'm talking Greyhound or a bus adventure of some sort, Peter Pan, you know, one of those troubled bus lines.
And if you've had a wild experience, you can hit the hotline and let me know about that.
And we'll try to drop some of those in for next week.
That number is 985-664-9503.
Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
So we got down to Orlando and somebody had some acid.
And so we took some acid, you know, a little bit of LSD.
And I remember if something was in this LSD, it made everybody look Asian.
You know, if I don't know if we, you know, if the guy who'd gotten it had copped it off of a, you know, an Asian guy or a Viet or a Cambo, a Cambodian.
They call them Cambos, a lot of people.
But we had that Vietnamese acid or whatever it was, a Cambo acid.
And I remember everybody I looked at looked Asian, you know, and I got thin eyes, so game recognized game.
But when I'm on that acid and everybody's, it just made everybody look Asian.
So we came there and it was like graduation night and all of my high school buddies, probably about eight or nine people on acid and didn't tell the rest of the class.
And we're just running around.
It's a small world.
We probably went on that about nine times.
Some kid kept drinking the water out of Pirates of the Caribbean and he got sick.
He drank probably about two gallons of it and he got pretty sick.
But we just spent the whole night on acid running around and doing the different rides and being scared of each other and being scared of ourselves and hiding in the bathroom.
And like six of us tried to split a hamburger.
That's how geeked out we were and couldn't even do it.
Couldn't even eat it.
But that was a good time and that was part of high school, you know.
But that was the last time I'd been to Disney World.
And that was only one of two senior trips.
Now we'd taken another senior trip to Mexico, Mexico, you know, one of the larger countries, South of America.
And we got down there and everybody, I remember, bought a bunch of prescription pills and was doing, was stealing each other's stuff.
I mean, it wasn't but a couple of probably nine hours we were down there in Cancun and half the class, and this was a senior trip in high school, half the class was, you know, hopped up on prescription pills and stealing each other's luggage and selling each other's shit on the streets and, you know, getting, stealing each other's, whatever it was at the time.
We didn't have cell phones.
We had those calculators, TI-85s, those fancy, you know, Eulators.
and we were you know those number crunchers you know that do the they do algebra and we were stealing those and selling them and buying more pills and I mean for a group of 17 or 18 19 year olds it only took us about about 12 hours to go completely AWOL and half of us be addicted to painkillers and out there selling each other's goods and and different type of textiles and wares so that got that got bad and then everybody's fighting and it's and
half of us were sharing a room and I remember we were stealing stuff from each other and hiding it in the same room we were in so that right there will tell you what some prescription pills will do to you you know so that's one thing you need to stay off of but anyhow that was um and a lot more happened on that trip but that was some of those high school trips and one of those was to Disney Disneytown Florida and I'm here this weekend in Orlando Florida and and
some lovely ladies miss Suzanne and Megan they just hit me up actually on the hotline and they said Theo we would love to take you to Disney World and I said I would love to go and Jiggy he's a comedian as well his name is Jiggy and he's a white guy because you think Jiggy you know you think it's more of a urban hip-hop name you know Jiggy but it's not it's a white jiggy and uh and he's a very funny comedian he tours
with the impractical jokers and he's a great guy no ego on this young man really great guy but he came along with us as well and he met some little bird the night before she came so we got a motley crew out there at the um out there at the and his friend Giovanna came as well so we had a we had a great little crew out there at Disney World we got there early out of the gate I was up at 8 a.m.
did not want to be awake did not want to go see the mouse but we got there and it was a great time man we we got a little bit of sun um you get there and you park and then you get on the tram and it seemed a lot more like a theme park than it did like a magical kingdom that's where we went we went to magic kingdom but when i was young i remember even in high school it seemed like wow disney world you know but as an adult now it seemed a little
bit more just like a theme park you know like okay it's you know you get you go on the rides you wait in the lines it's not as more the magic uh was for the youth i found but it was very picturesque um you know they had the castle i mean there's a hundred degrees you got the little gerbils out there chipmunks you know alvin and simon and the or whoever they are and they're out there you know just sweating i mean you could just see their fur just drenching up at the paws and at the elbows from the sweat
and they didn't even have a lot of you know alice in wonderland was out there but she looked man she looked like she'd been through some things you know like she'd been living in reno for a little bit but we got there and you get on the tram and they take you first of all they take you right past where the little baby got eaten by the alligator we fought the alligator and i used to have dreams a lot of times when i was younger where babies would be fighting animals and so it's hard for me to not say it's hard for
me to say i haven't seen animals and babies fight each other because i have you know i haven't seen it live you know i don't even think i don't even know if you can see that even in mexico or in maybe russia i bet you probably still see some of that uh that type of you know gambling activity and such but but um but in my dreams i've seen it often i remember they had a tournament one time over about a week and a half and i was sleeping um not consecutive sleeping but in the evenings you know resting
catching rest and i would have these different dreams of different babies and animals in this big tournament and uh fighting each other and fighting each other off and um and uh and then you know it kept narrowing down and narrowing down until you had one animal that won and that animal was a i want to say it was a lynx i believe large cat dark kind of looking black cat but
a not a black cat like you see just on your street or on a side street um a black cat you have to really get into the woods to see you know kind of like the evil black cat in jungle book something like that but it uh it beat a pretty strong baby in the last um kind of dream that i'd had but anyhow i'm getting tangential here but let me tell you this so you drive right past the place where that baby fought that alligator and lost and so that's a little crazy out of the gate because you haven't even gotten to the magic
and then they have this i mean you literally go right over the beach we've all seen the pictures of the beach and the you know the roped-off area where you know the alligator just snatched up that baby and uh so that's wild because that you've just seen that and you get there and uh and then you get to to the park and you go in and you see the magic castle and uh a friend of mine one of the friends that went with us this young lady geo she was telling us that
they there's a whole underground city there at disney and i'm like wow you know this is very much like vietnam you know when you think about it because um you know the vietnamese they would really they had these um the kuchi tunnels and if you're not familiar you can look that up and that's spelled cu C H I I think separate words but the coo chi tunnels where the Vietnamese would hide in the ground and
then just poke you out with with you know bamboo spikes up through the ground and surprise you and kill you and uh but Disney's not like that you know they're trying to show you joy but they have a whole underground city apparently where the you know the Disney etnemes if you will are down there just subbing out chipmunks and subbing out you know dancing raccoons and wild animals or you know Winnie the Pooh whoever their
characters are that are on the lot that day that are you know up there rocking You know, regular ground, they got it where you're where they're subbing each other out and kind of piping each other in and out.
So it's pretty, it was just crazy to just even hear that.
And then you'd see some of the activity.
You'd see like somebody, you know, you'd see like, oh, oh, this crazy walrus from, you know, from the walrus movie.
He'll disappear around a building, and then you'd see another walrus come out, and he'd be like maybe just a two inches taller.
You know, he'd be like, oh, look at that walrus, you know.
I know he didn't just grow behind that building.
So, you know, it's just interesting to start to see some of the inner workings of it.
You know, if you really, as an adult, you're able to take a, you know, you're not as mesmerized by the childhood enamorations of it all.
And you're able to actually see some other stuff that's going on.
So I thought that was really, really captivating to me, just to be able to have that experience of seeing Disney from a more adult standpoint.
What else do we do there?
Saw a lot of male ponytails, and I know that's a Florida thing.
And I don't like it.
You know, they have the man bun, and honestly, I think the man bun looks kind of handsome.
You know, you see some fellas with it.
But that male, the male ponytail, that's that, it's just gutter, you know.
It is gutter.
And it really, a lot of men, if they have that, they got issues, you know.
This is actually Jiggy calling on my puck.
He's calling right now.
I got to take it because I got to see if he's going to bring me some food.
Hey, bud.
Hey, are you back at the hotel?
Yeah, I'm back at the hotel, man.
I'm just doing my podcast right now.
Oh, my bad.
I was just going to bring you something to eat.
You want like a salad or a sandwich or something?
I'll take a sandwich.
Just anything you run across over there will be good.
All right, man.
I'll take you to your mask.
What's your room number?
My room number is 523.
523.
I'll take you in the next one.
Where are you at?
I'm on the back.
Okay, cool, man.
I'll see you in a little bit.
Bye.
All right.
Sorry about that, man.
Got me a little sandwich coming.
It's midnight here, and we're catching a 7 a.m.
flight, but we're going to leave at 5.15.
So it's going to be that kind of night.
What else?
So, yeah, Disney was wild, man.
We had a great time.
Went on a few of the rides.
And the rides aren't to scare you.
The rides are to make you feel joy.
And it did take me back some of it to being a kid, the haunted mansion and just seeing like, I wasn't really looking at the rides as thinking, well, what does this look like to me, this experience?
I was more as an adult, I was trying to think back.
I found myself trying to feel like a child.
I found myself trying to like look out at the rides and be like, wow, I wonder what this was like when I was a kid.
Or I wonder what a kid would be thinking right now if they saw this.
So it's interesting.
It's a great place to be a kid, man.
It's a great place to kind of reconnect with some of that or to connect with some of that at all because it's just built so much, I believe, around the mindset of, you know, of wowing children.
So anyway, that was fascinating, man.
We really had a great time.
And I just want to thank the young ladies that took us.
One of them's husband is a fireman, and he got us some passes.
So thank you, Ryan.
I know that's the man's name.
He didn't even come.
So he actually, he lent us his wife for the afternoon.
And that was kind of him.
So thank you very much.
We had a good time.
We had a really good time.
It was a blast, man.
And they had some fast passes.
So some of the rides we could get in the quicker line.
And we had a blast.
So thank you very much.
Outside of that, I went and saw an old friend.
I had a friend that I hadn't seen in 20 years that lived here in Orlando.
And I went and saw him.
And it's interesting to see an old friend because they have pieces of your life that you forgot.
You know, they have different pieces of the story.
They have different elements.
And we really shared some stories.
And I'm going to get into some of those.
I'll get into some of those next week.
Just some more stories from home and stuff.
But that was interesting, just to rekindle, just kind of that vibe and that environment.
And he had a buddy over.
They were making a brisket, right?
He had a buddy from, I think his friend was from Israel or England.
So he had a buddy over making a brisket.
And so I get over there.
I'm thinking, you know, we'll eat in a little while.
You know, I got over there at probably 1. I'm thinking we'll eat probably 2.30.
Well, about 3.45, I'm like, damn, dude, I'm hungry.
If you invite somebody over for some brisket, you probably need to have some brisket at some point.
And I don't mean to get angry, but you need to do what you say you're going to do when it comes to feeding people because people are hungry.
And if they don't eat, they'll die.
It's different if I say, come over, I'll lend you a pair of shoes, and I don't.
That's fine.
You got other shoes.
You got skin on your feet.
You know, your body's not going to just fall out of the bottom of your legs.
You have skin on your feet that is going to hold your body together.
But if you tell somebody to eat, they're going to eat and they're not.
And this guy, nice guy, but he kept trying to be a fancy chef.
You know, he's like, oh, well, I'm going to, you know, I got the meat and I'm going to sweat it.
I'm going to sweat the meat.
You know, I'm going to take it off the grill and put it into an ice thing.
And then I'm going to, I'm just going to stare at it.
You know, I'm going to get in a staring contest with this meat and see who, you know, show it who's boss.
And I'm like, dude, I don't give a fuck who's boss.
You know, I don't care about this meat's work history.
You know, I don't need to see a resume.
I want to eat, bro.
And finally, after all this shit of just flipping it in the air and fucking, you know, dusting it with, you know, cumin and damn dust powder and smoke.
And this guy's like, you know, he Kept pulling the fat off of it and injecting it back into it and like recycled and reused and refurbished.
And Jesus Christ, reborn, born again, brisket.
I'm like, what the fuck is going on, dude?
I'm about to, the only place you need to baptize this fucking piece of meat is in my mouth, brother Bear.
And so, man, some of this chefing, though, is just going too far.
You know, and you got these friends, it's like, dude, we're here to eat.
Like, we've been swimming in a pool, you know, hanging out with the children.
Everybody's having a nice time.
We got sunburned.
Just fucking eat.
You know, we're not saving the world out here.
You know, so finally, I had to get a little fiery, you know?
Not with the guy, really, but just with the overall idea of what was going on.
Because you invited me here to eat.
Guess what, Buddy Bear?
I'm hungry.
So let's do it.
But nonetheless, we had a good time.
My friend came out to the show with his wife last night.
It was good to catch up with an old friend, man.
Pretty good anyway.
Sometimes you invite friends and they end up, like kind of, they end up being the loudest one at the show.
And I actually had a girl that came out this weekend and she brought some friend or something.
And, you know, this is a gal I've done from years ago.
She brought her best friend and that lady's husband.
And they sat and talked in the audience the whole time.
And I'm like, are you kidding me?
Like, and it always happens.
Every time you bring your friends, there's this thing that friends just feel like they're part of the show, you know?
And it's not bad sometimes, but sometimes it was, sometimes it's bad.
But we made the most of it.
We made it through.
Thank you, Orlando.
I had a great weekend, man.
I really did.
I really, really did.
We got some cool calls that hit the hotline.
I'm trying to think if there's anything else I wanted to go with you guys.
I'm going to drop some quick dates on you right now.
And those dates are, I will be in San Diego this Thursday, July 20th.
And that is with Sal from Impractical Jokers and Roy Wood Jr. from the Daily Show.
And that is at the House of Blues.
Then I'll be in Montreal, Canada.
Montreal.
And that is July 27th through the 30th.
I'll be in Texas, Dallas, Texas at the Addison Improv, August 10th through the 13th.
Let's get out to that one.
Let's show some love.
That's my favorite club.
Very excited about that.
And then September 6th through the 9th, I will be in Addison, Texas.
That's where we are right now.
I might add a date in Vancouver.
I'm just not sure if people would come out to it.
If so, I'll do that next week.
We'll see.
I'm looking into that right now.
But thank you guys for your love and support.
You can get the albums right now, 30 Pound Bag of Hamster Bones and Musket Fire.
Those are both available on iTunes.
And please subscribe to the podcast.
We got some new shirts that'll be going up at the end of the week on theovon.com slash store.
And that's it, man.
I love you guys.
We had some calls that came in, man.
Some neat stuff I wanted to get to.
So let's get into it, man.
And this is a follow-up.
This guy called in.
It was a couple weeks late, but I'm guessing he just heard the episode.
And he called in talking about America.
And then we'll move on to some different stuff.
Here we go.
All right.
Hold on.
Jeep.
Hey, Theo.
It's Trevor from California.
Just heard of your last this past weekend and wanted to give you a quick call.
Thank you for calling, Trevor.
Happy to have you calling in from California.
Let's hear it.
You were talking about what it means to be an American, and I thought all the callers had great points, and as always, you provided some good feedback, too.
But on kind of a, I guess, more of like a philosophical side.
And Trevor's talking about, you know, we talked about what it meant to be an American.
If it's the first time you've heard this podcast, we talked about it.
We had some callers call in, just what it meant after 4th of July, what they felt like it meant onward.
I wonder, what do you think about the point, the counterpoint I should say, that really nationalism and any sense of I'm an American or I'm a Canadian are names for our separation as humans.
It's a different way to label ourselves as something separate from one another.
And I can kind of tell, you know, from listening to you all this time that you're more of kind of a, and maybe I'm wrong, but you seem to be more of like a brotherhood, you know, universal brotherhood, you know, all one type of thinking.
So how do you square the fact that, yes, it's good to be proud to be an American, but at the same time, the more you believe, and especially psychologically and philosophically, if you really believe you are an American, that creates a them and us or us and them sort of dynamic, which then really is the root cause of all war and conflict.
Yeah, and I'll just pause you right there, Trevor.
I appreciate the call, man.
And you know what's funny is I've been thinking about this.
I've been thinking about this since some of the calls and since we went over that topic some.
And this is kind of the other side of that coin.
You know, some of our calls and stuff were a little bit not one-sided, but it was, those are the people that called.
So those are the things that we talked about.
But this is another view, and it's a great point that Trevor makes that if we say that, okay, I'm an American and you're a Canadian and you're an Ethiopian and you're from Siam and you're from Mexico, then by having like pride in our country, are we separating ourselves?
Are we not looking at the fact to just say, hey, we're all people and we're all here in this world, but instead we're saying, I'm this and you're that.
So is having, and I'm not trying to juxtapose your point, Trevor, and I appreciate it.
And you said it real clearly, but it's like, is that bad?
And it's interesting, man.
It's a great point.
You know, it's like, I mean, right when I heard your call, Trevor, it really made me think.
Because I'm like, wow, yeah.
Like, if I'm thinking just, you know, America, America, then am I like immediately I'm separating myself from other places.
You know, it's just, is it all about people, one love, you know, one everyone.
And I do, I believe in the idea of brotherhood.
I believe that it would be great if we could all live in conjunction that way.
I worry, though, that we, first of all, I think that if we're going to be able to do that in the world, that America is going to have to probably lead the way.
I don't know if that's true.
Maybe everyone just has to lead the way.
But I think that we seem to be looked at as a leader a lot of times.
And if we don't take care.
All right, hold on one second, guys.
I got Jiggy coming in with a snack.
What's up, man?
You good?
What's up, Sarah?
Ooh, really?
Woo!
Beautiful.
All right, brother, be good.
Y'all be good.
Man, beautiful there.
Sorry.
Boy, Jiggy, his lady is still with him.
His lady.
This little Betty Ruxman that he met yesterday.
And a sweet girl, too, really cute named Sarah, really nice.
And they met and they started holding hands right at the theme park at Disney World today, right out of the gate.
And they met yesterday.
I don't know when they met.
I'm not assuming they slept together or anything like that, but you know, they probably slept close to each other in a, maybe in the same room.
I don't know.
And I guess I'm putting them on blast now, but it just, but anyhow, they're still together and they were holding hands at the theme park.
That's a wild move.
Early, like at 9 a.m.
We got there at 8.30.
So if you start holding hands early in the day, dude, what?
Then it's like every time your hands get near each other, you have to hold again because you started that train already.
So he's really been caught up.
But she's a sweet girl and he's a great dude.
Anyhow, so look, but yeah, that's wild.
Trevor's wild to think about, you know?
Like by having American pride, are we separating ourselves?
And I think that if we don't, that a company that does, a business that doesn't take inventory usually doesn't last long.
And that's kind of where I think we are in America.
I think we have the ability to set that example and to be that example and even to lead the world, hopefully, into that one love, universal, everyone environment.
But I think it's got to be done steps at a time.
Like, I think we need a serious roll call in America of who's here because you don't take inventory, you know, you're not going to be in business long.
And then what?
I mean, if we just opened the borders right now, everyone would come here.
We're already really destined for an overpopulation problem in America.
I think a lot of people would come here.
And I think it would, violence would start to happen pretty quick.
You know?
I mean, I like to think that, yes, there's all good in people and that that's the way it would end up, you know, that we would all share.
Maybe that is the way it would go.
But are we going to do that?
You know, I don't know if we are.
I don't know if we're just going to open and just let everybody in the whole, whoever wants to come in, come into America.
And I know it's like you're saying, well, it's not our America.
We're just living here.
We're just passing through time and this is our land.
Yes, I agree with that.
We are.
But we have to, if we want the best to continue to be possible, then I think, or to be possible, then I think we have to, you know, monitor the situation where we're at.
And I think where we're at right now is that America needs a roll call.
You know, I wish they had a day where they made everybody go out in the street and see who your neighbor is.
See who's here.
We don't even know who is in America.
You know, and I just feel like it's just kind of a scary place to be.
You know, I would do some things different to start bringing people back together.
You know, we could use a bit of closeness in America, getting people back together before we start inviting everybody into this, you know, greed, money-driven society that we kind of have created.
You know, I wish that on Sunday nights, I wish they shut the power out.
I remember when the power was out, my family used to spend time together.
It was one of the only times that we would spend time together was when the power was out.
And there was just something about it.
It was just peaceful.
You know, somebody had to light a candle and we had to just be around each other and we couldn't fight or anything because everybody was a little bit scared and you get this feeling like you need each other.
And I kind of, I thought that, I think that'd be interesting.
If we did that in America, if on Sunday nights, you know, after 5 p.m., no more power.
Shut it down.
So what?
You can't do business.
You can't do whatever.
Oh, well, you can be with each other still.
You know, you can spend time.
You can create some of that love.
Because I don't know if we're really, you know, I think if you just let everybody in, I think in a matter of a month, you'd have severe civil unrest.
You'd have the rich all hiding and be able to hide.
And you just have straight up anarchy in the streets, Game of Thrones style.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe I'm wrong.
But I mean, look what happens in when there's just a, you know, when there's, I was going to say, like, look what happens in like a Katrina type environment when people don't have what they need.
You know, things escalate pretty quick.
It's not a level of let's be peaceful and figure this out.
Things escalate pretty quick, you know?
But I love this thought, though.
It's so true.
That's the other side of the coin.
It's like, is this our country?
Not really.
You know, we were just born here.
How do we manage that?
And that's an infective thought that I wish that I'd like to think about more because I feel like it's good for me to think about that.
So, Trevor, I appreciate you calling in and bringing that to my brain, man, bringing it to the forefront of my brain.
A little bit more from Trevor.
Let's hear a little more.
So just wanted to hear what you had thought about that.
To make a huge jump, too, and sorry for the long message, but I also do have a couple of odd sauna interaction stories.
You mentioned you were looking.
He said sauna interaction.
Now, we had people last week I asked listeners if they wanted to call and share about if they'd ever been hit on by men or women in a sauna, if they'd had some sauna activities or even actually here, well, let's just listen to Trevor.
were looking for where basically guys will kind of hit on you.
I think you mentioned when they were sleeping, though, which is kind of a different thing.
But I could certainly give you some...
Yeah, because some men be hitting on other men while they're sleeping, you know.
And I remember falling asleep at this older man's house one time, and I wake up and he trying to be by me, you know, and I didn't really know this man that well, and that was kind of wild.
And sometimes if you're in a sauna, you know, somebody is so foggy in there, next thing you know, you turn your head and there is somebody else's right there, or somebody's hip or thigh, or, you know, that soft area behind their knee or the small of their back is right up under your nose, you know, and things can get surprising.
So that kind of stuff happens in saunas.
Give me some of that detail if that was useful.
But I wanted to focus on the nationalism piece.
And I appreciate it, Trevor.
I appreciate you calling in the nationalism thought.
It's great, man.
It's a great thought.
You know, what if we were just able to look at the world as this is our nation instead of like, oh, America, you know, the world, humanity?
And I think it's a beautiful idea.
I don't know if we're in a place right now where we can feasibly rely, like, how do we trust that that's going to occur if we're able to, you know, if you open up the borders, how do you assure people that everybody's just, you know, that if it's a free-for-all, that everybody's just going to be good to one another?
You know, I don't know how that ends.
I mean, I remember if you look at even like the story in the Bible, and even if you don't believe in the Bible, which is fine if you don't, but if you just look at it as a fable, as a, you know, as a example, you know, they had Cain and Abel, they had Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, four people on earth, and one of the brothers killed the other one.
You know, Cain killed Abel, I believe.
So at one point, you had four people, and one of them killed another person.
That's four people.
So at one point, you only have four people.
One of them's a murderer.
You know, like, it's risky, bro.
That's risky.
And that's a buddy of mine, Matt Knudsen, has a great joke about that.
And that idea is his premise.
You can look that up, though.
Matt Knudsen talks about how one point in time, 25% of the population were murderers, if you believe in the Bible.
All right, let's keep it cruising here.
What do we have?
All right, here we go.
Hey, Theo, it's Ethan.
Love the podcast.
Hey, Ethan.
I like that name.
Ethan Onward.
Thank you, Ethan.
Yeah, I'm calling because I'm married for about four years to this woman who doesn't really have sex with me anymore.
Wow.
That is, it sounds like most marriages, probably.
My thoughts, though, honestly, luck you, dude.
Sex sometimes, overrated, bro.
Onward.
I recently got into really good shape, super healthy, getting a lot of attention from other girls.
And my sex drive has gone up.
But my wife isn't really into it, like maybe once every three months.
And it's really kind of over and done with fast.
Okay, so his wife only wants him to be said about once every three months.
Okay, so I can imagine that that's probably got to not make you feel very good, you know?
Or at least it's got to really diminish the returns on you guys's love there, probably, if she doesn't even feel attracted to you.
Onward.
So I kind of was lacking, so I resorted to trying to find someone outside of the relationship to fulfill that need.
Anyways, I met this girl, we started talking, and like right from the get-go, it was fucking amazing.
She's incredible.
Every message was perfect.
There was so much momentum.
It was effortless.
It was awesome.
So that's been going on for like five weeks now.
Okay, so you got your dinner at the house and you've been looking at the candy.
That's what that sounds like.
Let's hear a little bit more.
I met this girl twice.
We never had sex, but that's kind of the whole intent behind it.
But now I like this girl means so much to me that I don't know what to do.
Okay, so I'm just going to stop you there for just a second or pause you.
So you met this girl twice.
You've been texting a lot.
You met her twice.
There's the intent for sex.
It hasn't happened yet.
And you're saying you care about her so much.
And that sounds confusing to me.
I mean, I understand that it can feel real to you, but it sounds from an outsider's perspective, which you're trying to get here, I assume, that it can't be that you care about her so much.
Because care, I would feel like, takes more time to actually establish itself.
So there's probably a strong bit of infatuation, unless you feel so uncared for by your wife that any care at all here is really fulfilling that so much that it just feels like a ton of care, or it actually feels like care and not infatuation onwards.
And I know it's probably common that a dude just finds another girl and falls in love with her for whatever reason because of what's lacking in his life.
But I actually addressed the whole sex thing with my wife recently, and she confirmed that she's just not really into it.
Had a panic attack a couple nights ago thinking about it.
Again, woke up in the middle of the night vomiting from anxiety.
Just because I feel like I'm floating in an emptiness between two people who want me for different reasons and no one actually wants me for who I am as a whole.
Wow.
I mean, we just went through like an emotional Star Wars right there.
So you got anxiety from what's going on here.
You talk to your wife about it.
I'm assuming you talked to her about the sex part and not about the part that you have, you know, this little kitty on the side, you're trying to pet this side kitty.
You know, and I've been out there.
Look, man, you know, I've had trouble in relationships in the past if I don't get in them.
Commitment issues.
And, you know, you start getting confused in your feelings.
You want to touch that side kitty.
You know, and you want to, you know, you might be even sitting in the living room with your family, but you reaching your hand out back the window and you petting yard animals.
You feel me?
You're reaching for them soft, wet yard animals.
And that can happen, man.
And it sounds like you're starting to look for that.
Because if you have this in this woman, then you're starting to feel that.
You've talked to your wife.
Now you're having anxiety.
You're vomiting in the night.
I mean, that could be, I mean, you know what they, if you eat a lot of times peanut butter and jelly, having that before you go to bed can really make you vomit.
But especially if it's on raisin bread, because a lot of raisins and raisin bread can be rotten.
I don't know if you guys knew that.
A friend of mine just told me that recently.
Anyhow, dude, it sounds like you...
Onward.
And this other girl kind of saw for me really hard, and I did for her.
And I think it threatened our own situations.
So we're figuring that out, but I'm just really afraid she's going to pitch me.
I just want to keep her in my life in some way, even if we're not having sex.
Just wondering if you had any advice on how I can handle this.
I have no idea.
Tried everything.
Don't know what to do.
Okay, man.
I appreciate you calling.
I do want to say that, man.
First and foremost, I appreciate you calling.
You like this girl.
It sounds like the side kitty, you found some love or excitement, you know, and maybe that's missing from your relationship, and that's why it feels so grandiose.
I think you got to ask yourself, do you love your wife and do you want to be with your wife?
You know, if not, and to me from this call, I'm not trying to give you advice, but it sounds like you're not getting what you need there.
And at a certain point, there's a couple solutions or a couple of directions.
You can try to get some therapy for you and her together.
You can try to get some therapy for yourself, you know, because are you trying to solve the problem with your wife or are you trying to cure the issue with your wife by reaching outside of your marriage?
That's kind of the deal, you know.
And I would think about it in the way, try and treat your wife the way that you would want to be treated.
So say the roles are reversed and your wife has the same, you know, you're not sexually attracted to her and she's having these thoughts and feelings and she's talking to somebody else.
How would you best like it and be understanding for her to deal with you?
And then that's the way I would go ahead and deal with her.
Because you're not going to be able to keep somebody around.
You asked, how do I keep this woman around on the side?
You're not going to be able to do that just as a friend, you know, because you'll end up banging them.
You know, you will end up banging them or, you know, laying next to them and jerking off or something or doing something, you know.
You know, just letting, you know, your inner start to really express themselves, you know, let your dick stand up.
You know, so you got to keep that in your head, man.
You know, if you hang out with wool, you're going to lay your head on it.
That's what they say.
You know?
That's what they say.
They said the man that sleeps with sheeps skeets with sheeps.
So remember that, man.
Keep that in your head.
If you hang out with the wool, you're going to lay your head on it.
Rarely do you see a man walking around with a pillow, and then come nighttime, he just set the pillow in a briefcase or something.
No.
But it sounds like infatuation, man.
It sounds like you should either try to work things out with your wife or just leave her, man.
Maybe, you know, realistically, you probably are not in love with your wife.
It doesn't sound like you are in love with your wife.
It sounds like you were at one time, but I don't know if that is that time anymore.
You know?
And, you know, you talked for a second about taking care of your body, but are you taking care only of the outside?
That's what I'm a little bit worried about.
So I'd look inside and really ask yourself some questions.
And that anxiety, that vomit, like the only thing that can be coming from is your actions are probably, you know, stirring up inside of you and making your body and your spirit all squirrely.
Because if you're just talking to your wife about the sex part, but then you're using that conversation to go then and justify your actions, you know, it's not, that's probably, you know, it's probably not the coolest way to go about shit.
You know, I mean, you can cheat on your wife.
You can go out and sleep around and see if that works.
See if that, maybe that's the thing you need to do that's going to help you figure out what do you need to do.
You know, if you need to stay with your wife or if you need to go on or, but it sounds like you need to figure out some, this doesn't have anything to do with your wife.
I think this has to do with you.
So I would start there, decide what you want and then take the actions to make the changes.
You can do it, bro.
If you need to, you can do it, you know?
But yeah, it's hard, man.
It's hard.
It's hard to be in a relationship these days.
And I think a lot of men, honestly, are not even looking really for lovers in relationships these days.
I think a lot of men are looking for mothers.
And I base that on the fact that I base it on the fact that I think we, like a recent generation of men has grown up in a time when they didn't have mothers.
A lot of their mothers were working.
And so they didn't have the same mothership that our grandparents had or that our parents had.
So whereas our parents might have been looking for a sexual mate, you know, that I think the men now are looking for something a little bit more along the motherly lines.
And maybe you're not One of those men, you know, maybe you're a man that's just looking for that.
You know, you have to have that sex, and you have to have the sex in your relationship.
I know you have to have it.
And some people, it might only be a few months, you know, because as you stay married, some people just become really good friends, and sex isn't that important to them.
But if you're probably, you know, getting back into your body and taking care of yourself, then yeah, you might be, you know, revving up that sex dragon.
You know, you might be feeding matches to that sex dragon, and then he's going to spray out, and he's going to start talking fire, and that's how your libido is getting lit up.
You know, and you switching from an 87 to a 91 octane, you know?
So you starting to run on diesel, boy, and that's what it is, I think, is that you're invigorated and you want that action again.
And maybe your wife is just not full circle there.
So, I mean, the options are you go out and cheat or you let your wife know what's really going on.
And then that way you can go out and at least be with another woman, but have a clean heart about it.
But good luck, man.
Let us know how it goes, if you will.
Once you hit the hotline back and let us know how it goes.
And Trevor, too, that called in a little bit ago, I'd love you to call back and let us know about what happened in those saunas when those men was being wild.
Because I've been in there, boy, and it's gorillas in the mist in there, you know?
I mean, you think it's your towel and it's another man.
Well, sometimes if he has long hair, he'll put his hair right by your hand.
And you reach over to get, you think it's your towel, but it's his hair that he's laid out flat on the stone in there in the sauna.
And then you grab his hair and next thing you know, you pull him over by you.
And you think you're just trying to get a towel to just wipe off.
So a lot of trickery and miscreancy going on out there.
The Disney at Names.
I like that.
All right, let's keep it moving here, man.
Let's hit another question right here.
Let's hear it.
Hey, Theo, this is Derek.
I'm from Hilo, Hawaii.
Ooh, Derek from Hilo, Hawaii, pineapple country, huh?
What's up, you little napple?
They call them Napples out there, people that live in Hawaii onward.
And I was just listening to your last podcast, and you got talking about how you might just cut off your balls.
You might cut off your dick, and you feel like you get nothing done because of that.
And I had to stop the podcast right there and call you because that is crazy, man.
You can't think you would do nothing.
Now, he's referring, you know, I thought many times that my penis and my junk, nuts, and whatever else is in your nutsack.
They say nuts, but it feels like, honestly, there's more in there.
And I've thought for a long time that if I didn't have that, if I didn't have my penis and nuts, that I could function better, that I would get more work done, you know, because I think we're starting to become, and I believe that, Richard.
I said that I would mail them, or Derek, sorry, I said that I would mail them to Africa or to, you know, a different country, not Africa, or Africa or a different country.
And because that would be a meal.
You know, you can easily feed a family of three or four with the meat that is inside of your, you know, your cock and your scrotum.
And I'm not trying to be disgusting, but that's real.
You know, in America, we cut off body parts like it's nothing.
You know, somebody gets a little bit of gangrene, they lop their leg off.
But whereas you don't realize is that in India, that'll feed a fucking farmer.
That'll feed a farmer's family.
You know, that'll feed a farmer's family for filling their falafels.
This is starting to sound like a falafels.
This is starting to sound like a tongue twister.
That'll feed a farmer's family for filling their falafels.
That'll feed a farmer's family for filling their falafels.
Yeah, it's pretty fun.
And then the easy one, I think you could look kind of a starter tongue twister.
But yeah, I think you could cut it off and mail it, Derek.
And I don't see a problem with that.
I don't see a problem with providing some light food or light fare to some others who are in need.
And if I don't want my penis and I don't want my nuts anymore.
But let's hear the rest.
You would get nothing done without your balls and dick.
Your motivating factor for life would be over.
What would be the reason to live?
What would be the reason to live?
Okay.
You know, I'll answer that for you.
The reason to live then would be, I think we're starting to metastasize as humans.
We're starting to morph some.
Where, yes, it used to be that to procreate was our main necessity.
But is it still?
You know, we have a lot of people in the world.
We are at a level, especially in America, of pretty high comfort.
You know, we are pretty comfortable.
Even if we are, I feel like wealthy or poor, we are at least, you can be just lazy and, you know, collect money or get your money and you can still be comfortable.
You can still have a bed and air conditioning and a phone and cable and you can have food and you can be comfortable.
So at that point, are we really looking appropriate as much as we are just looking to enjoy our comforts?
I almost feel like sadly in this country that that's one of the infestations that we have is that we're just too comfortable.
And we're starting to, as humans in America, we're starting to metastasize or we're starting to evolve into creatures that it's just like, what's the best way we can enjoy our comfort or the best way that we can work harder or the best way that we can, but not work harder like in the sense that I need to be in the wild hunting boars or hunting, you know, violent squirrels or flocks of squirrels or gangs of squirrels.
But in the sense that I need to be doing, you know, computer work or podcasting or, you know, stuff that I don't even need my dick and nuts for.
You know, stuff that I need just my brain and just my ideas for.
So I feel like that's where we're at a little bit.
So if I didn't have this hindrance of meat between my legs, this meal, and I say meal because I got a decent dick, you know, I got some swell cock for a man.
And if you and if you if I'm just carrying it around, and somebody else in another country could, this could be a feast for them, a small feast, but a feast for maybe at least a beautiful Valentine's dinner or something if somebody wants to enjoy themselves with their friend or lover.
But, you know, then that's me being greedy.
And if I, and if it didn't, if my penis wasn't always taking my thoughts, because I'll start getting some good ideas and doing work, and my penis is like, hey, don't you want to, you know, go see if there's some kuder across the street?
Oh, what if there's some kuder downstairs?
Huh?
Have you thought about that recently?
Yeah, my penis starts telling me all that.
You know, it's kuder hungry.
And it would be nice sometimes to stop that hunger, you know, to satisfy it and just to eliminate it.
So then I could just stay in my realm of work.
And what I feel like would be to do my best work and to focus more on the things that help me feel good about myself, like caring about others, you know, loving my friends and family, and trying to be of service.
You know, those things are what really make me feel good.
So I don't know, man.
It's interesting.
It's interesting, but I feel like getting rid of it, that's what it would do, man.
It would really lift me up as a man, as a person.
I really do.
What else do we have here?
You know what?
I got a couple of other good calls, but I'm going to hit them next week, man.
Just because it's getting late.
It's 1245 here.
And I know some of you guys are like, well, dude, we listening.
What?
Well, I'm sorry, man.
You know, I love you.
I'm doing the best that I can.
I am actually looking forward to hopefully getting some new studio environment in Los Angeles this week.
So hopefully that will come to fruition.
But I'm really excited about it.
But I appreciate the calls, man.
And I thank you for the calls.
And again, I really thank you.
I appreciate people that are calling in and sharing what's going on in their lives.
And I don't have any answers.
All I have are some suggestions and what I can share with you.
But that's it, man.
Coming to you from Orlando.
I didn't have any intro or outro music this week.
I'll get back to it, I promise.
But you can hit the hotline.
And if you have any other thoughts on anything that we talked about or brought up, please share them.
My number is 985-664-9503.
And it's up to three minutes.
You can talk on there.
And if you don't get it all in, then call back.
But try to get it all in in three minutes.
You know what I'm saying?
But I did get some other great calls.
I'm going to use them.
I'm just not going to be able to use them on this episode.
But thank you guys so much.
Have a great week.
It's July, you know?
It's summer.
It's hot as hell, dude.
It's hot as hell.
So get in the pool, you know, spray some water on your friend.
Bring a water bottle.
Squirt somebody.
You know what I'm saying?
Brush your teeth, though.
Brush your teeth.
Hug somebody.
Won't you do that?
Won't you surprise somebody today and hug them?
Hug them, motherfuck.
You feel me?
Hug them, motherfucker.
That's what I would love to see these gangs.
I get tired.
I watch the news in New Orleans and I see these people showing up, just beating each other.
And I would love to see some, you know, two gangbangers just show up and just hug the fuck out of somebody.
Like, damn, motherfucker, you just got hugged.
You know?
Damn, you feel that joy?
Motherfucker.
But sorry about the profanity.
Be good to yourselves, man.
I bet you deserve it.
And if you need me, reach out.
I love you.
Talk to you guys next week.
This has been this past weekend.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweet.
Is it there?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
▲
Export Selection