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April 24, 2017 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
48:17
4-24-17 This Past Weekend #19

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What's going on, you little gentrified brain wiggers?
I got allergies, bruh, and one of my eyes is a little bit shorter than the other one.
Fuck it, dude.
Welcome to this past weekend.
This past weekend.
You hear that?
You hear that?
That is army of angels.
That is army of angels from epidemic sounds.
And that is that type of music where you, you know, something crazy is happening in a film, you know, like they got the art and they're running out of the museum or somebody's running through a tunnel wearing like a, you know, like a helmet and they're looking for a bad guy or something like that.
You know, that's where the action is.
And that is called Army of Angels.
And that is action music.
That's a sound that plays in your head when you are late for work and you're still trying to make a smoothie really fast in the blender.
You know, when you're throwing a bunch of shit in there and, you know, getting all fucking jazzed up.
And, you know, you got the banana in there and you're trying to put some peanut butter in there and some milk and you don't have any milk.
So you're fucking putting water in there.
And you're eating a jacked up fucking rural New York smoothie.
You know, probably has four grams of protein, 70 grams of sugar.
And that's what you're having.
And that's the kind of music that's playing in your head when those types of things are occurring.
Or at least that's how I feel, man.
That's exactly how I feel.
It is Monday.
And if it sounds like it's April 24th, 2017, that's because it is.
It is that date.
That is where we are in time.
And I have allergies, bruh.
I'll admit it, dude.
You know, I'm not the kind of guy who, you know, just stands around red-eyed, you know, with snot kind of hanging out of his nose like, you know, like, you know, like a couple of Asian fellas or kids hanging off, you know, the side of a bicycle or something.
I got allergies, dude.
I'll admit it.
I got them.
I fall victim.
You know, I can be a tough guy, but also I can fall victim to pollen.
You know, really puts you in your place.
It really puts you in your place when you think you're a badass and then you have to sit down and really gather yourself before you sneeze because you got issues with pollen.
So that's where I am.
I'm in Sacramento, California.
I'm actually in the kitchen of a residence in a motel hotelery.
And if you've never been to a residence in, it's a very basic but comfortable type of place.
You know, it's your middle of the road type of motel hotel.
And I've been here this weekend in Sacramento.
Sacramento, good place, I feel like, to get socks, to get new socks, and maybe to get murdered or not murdered, but attacked.
I could see somebody just hitting you for no reason in Sacramento.
It kind of seems like the kind of place where karma is prevalent.
It seems karma heavy.
Like at any point, you could get jacked or hit by somebody or a bird.
A bird wouldn't shit on you in Sacramento, but it might come down and bite your fucking neck.
You know, maybe a couple of black birds or mixed birds might fucking come down and, you know, just fucking just slap you with their wing, you know, or fucking rip a mole off your back with their talons.
You know, it's got that kind of, it's got that kind of edge to it.
It's got like a hillbilly edgely.
You know, it's got that hillbilly edge, but also kind of a thug.
Everybody looks like kind of like a mixed baby that grew up.
But it's good, man.
It's real people, and I love real people, man.
And I think it may be the city where I ran into the most like fans and friends where I felt like a real connection.
I mean, I just really, really relate to the people around this type of environment, man.
So I had a great weekend, except for these allergies, got daddy down.
You know, I'd rather be snotting out of my nose than out of my pecker, though.
That's the old saying, you know, I'd rather have allergies than sexually transmitted diseases than that, you know, and no offense if somebody has those, you know.
Some of that's part of nature.
Excuse me.
But yeah, if you can see on the YouTubes, I'm in the kitchen right now of a Marriott residence in, and I've got some new dates for you.
I'm coming to Phoenix, Arizona in two weeks.
You can come and get a look at my straight-up D. Not really, but you can come and be a part of the show, man.
I'd love to have you come out.
That's May 5th and 6th at Stand Up Alive in Phoenix, Arizona.
I'm really excited about that.
May 25th through 28th, I'll be in Tampa, Florida at Side Splitters.
June 1st through 4th, I'll be in Pittsburgh at the Pittsburgh Improv.
June 23rd and 24th, New York City.
I hope to catch up on jump on the Opie show there as well.
And then June 30th, we are doing a fundraiser show in Wyoming, Illinois.
It's a small town.
The tickets will go online this week for that.
It's about an hour from Peoria, not too far from the Quad Cities.
So if you're in Illinois and you want to come check that out or you're in Iowa, come on over.
It's going to be a really good time.
Small town show.
I'm excited about that.
All right, man.
Let's get into the weekend, man.
It's been a chill one.
You know, I'm at this residence in.
I got into a little bit of a fracas at the pool here.
They got some guys, I guess, been staying here for about a month.
You know, some dude who's real, like, tall, like beer belly, like almost amazing amount of beer belly for his height.
And he just talks.
He knows everything.
And he was grilling, bro.
He's been grilling all weekend at the pool.
Who uses the grill at a fucking Marriott residence in?
I didn't even know they had a grill.
And this dude's out there, he's inviting friends over.
He's got fucking, they got some lady, like an older lady out there twerking, maybe about 48 years old.
You know, blonde hair, party, you know, just kind of shaking her, just like not really shaking her, just kind of bending over and holding onto a table and then just shaking everything.
You know, it's one thing to kind of shake your ass and do that fancy ass work, you know, and to really get yourself, you know, gyrating.
But it's another thing just to kind of bend over and just fucking move your whole body at once.
Like it's not the same.
It almost looks like somebody's hurt or something, you know, like they got like their whole body is itching, but they're not allowed to scratch it or something.
Like they've been, you know, they've been told they can't scratch themselves.
So they're just trying to scratch their body against the air by moving their body around.
So that's kind of what this lady was doing out by the pool.
And of course, you got all these fellas drinking and this dude's fucking grilling potatoes, you know, like I don't know, man.
I mean, I've been in some pretty gutter shit, but this dude's out there like this.
Fucking know-it-all, grilling patats, you know.
So I'm trying to go in there and talk to him.
Just, I mean, they were just kind of ruling the pool.
I guess I got a little mouthy.
But things calmed down.
And it was just awkward.
It's awkward to see somebody, you know, grilling out a residence in.
But here I am, man.
Here I am.
I'm in Sacramento.
A lot of people here look like missing persons.
You know, I put this on Twitter yesterday.
And I just, everybody here, I kind of, you know, I love those shows where people are missing.
I've always been a fan of missing people, of buried treasure.
You know, I can't even sleep at night, really, unless I've seen a new episode of a show where somebody is missing or where there's a treasure that hasn't been found.
I just have an obsession with that.
You know, I found some fingers in the woods when I was young.
And so maybe that spurned some of that, some of that behavior.
But that's always been a part of my life.
I love the missing.
So if you are missing, you know, or you know somebody that's missing, dude, I'd love to hear about that.
Or if you know somebody that went missing, we can talk about that next week.
I'd love to know if you've ever been missing as well.
If you are someone who went into hiding, you know, or who decided to skip out on, you know, a prison sentence or hide from their family or something like that.
I'd love to get to, you know, I'd love to have you call in, hit the hotline so that I could get into that and learn more about what your life has been like.
We're getting close to having some guests, guys.
I hope next week to have a guest.
So I know I bring things up on the show that I want to do.
I appreciate you guys bearing with me.
It's a struggle because some of these weeks on the road keep popping up.
And I'm in a fucking kitchenette.
Okay.
If you're on YouTube, you can see me.
I'm taping this shit.
I don't even have my mic stand.
I have the top of it, but not the bottom.
I have this thing propped up in a coffee pot that I took the top off of.
So we're doing what we can.
I got allergies.
I just want to shoot myself in the fucking head with an EpiPen.
Anyhow, 985-664-9503.
If you are missing or if you know someone who has been missing, I'd love for you to call in.
I remember when I was young, we were playing hide-and-go-seek and a boy went and hid and they never found him.
No one ever found him or heard from him.
So I sometimes wonder what happened to that boy.
What else, man?
I read this, dude, that they had some conjoined twins.
I believe they're from Mexico and now living in Connecticut.
That's a real juxtaposition, I think.
I don't know what that is, but that is, and they don't want to be separated.
Conjoined twins refusing to be separated.
And you know what?
That makes me feel, it made me feel good when I heard that.
Because I'm tired sometimes of us doing whatever science kind of says we should do.
You know, the doctors tell them, well, you know, you have a better chance of living if you separate.
But, you know, but do, but what's their life going to be like, you know?
I mean, I look at, you know, I'm not in this scenario, but I just, you know, I think it's kind of beautiful to stay in it, to stick it out.
You're conjoined.
You got your fucking, you can high five yourself, but somebody else at the same time.
There's something beautiful about that.
And to know that you're in this together through thick or thin, there's something beautiful about that.
That, you know what, don't separate us.
We're going to see what we can do.
We're going to make it through this together.
I think that's pretty beautiful, man.
So that story really resonated with me.
I hope They stay conjoined.
I hope they stick it out.
And you know what?
If they go to heaven, they go to heaven together.
And I think there's something beautiful about that, man.
It's like when somebody gets, you know, it's like if you had a little person that was hooked on to you and you didn't, and you got them cut off, you know, I wouldn't do that.
I'd say, we'll ride or die, you know.
This is my friend's shotgun, and we fucking, we're going in, and we're going into life together.
I thought that was interesting.
Another thing in the news, I saw the Confederate monuments in New Orleans, and I know this has been happening in other cities, are being taken down.
There's been a lot of issue back and forth there about these Confederate monuments, Robert E. Lee, other Confederate statues and soldiers, that it's a racist, you know, that people feel, and predominantly black people, but also black and white people feel that it's not, you know, that you see this leader of a Southern army and that it's racist.
And I can understand the rebel flag.
Like, I get that, you know, because there are people that really associate that heavily with racism.
But I'm just not a proponent of bringing down the Confederate statues because if you're going to do that, then there's statues in New Orleans where there are like slaves.
There's slaves, and it talks about like, you know, when indentured servants and slaves came to New Orleans.
There's some, I believe, in the Mahalia Jackson Park right there in Armstrong Park.
Then I'd like to see those statues gone because I don't want to remember that.
I didn't have anything to do with slavery.
You know, like, I'm sorry.
I think it's horrible.
You know, I wouldn't probably want to be a slave, I don't think.
I mean, maybe in some instances, but not overall.
But it's like, when do we just like do we just take everything away that bugs somebody?
You know, and I know that, you know, remembering slavery isn't bugging somebody.
It's bigger than that.
But, you know, I don't want to see, I don't want to see things that remind me of negative stuff.
You know, like, I just feel like we're headed down this road where we're never going to get to a place where everybody's happy, you know?
Like, I never walked down the street and am totally fired up.
You know, if that, if we're doing that, then get rid of all my ex-girlfriends.
You know, get rid of get rid of the dude that used to make me bury his poops in the yard when I was growing up.
He actually, he passed away, so that's already, that's, that's a mute point.
But like, at what point do we stop, you know, getting rid of just anything that bugs us?
So I don't know.
You know, I just, I don't agree with that.
I agree with taking down things that really are surefire of racism.
But, you know, the South had its own army.
I just, I feel like having some tradition is okay.
I just feel like because at a certain point we're headed down a road that you can't, you're never going to be able to do it all.
Let's completely erase history then because history has always pissed somebody off.
You know, something pisses somebody off everywhere.
What else, dude?
I've been thinking about the future, man.
And I want people to call in too if they have some thoughts about this.
The future, dude.
And you know what I'm talking about.
You know, what's next?
And it kind of spooks me out, bro.
You know, I feel like we are so...
And I like flipped.
I like felt my whole body like kind of seizure up.
And I was like, wow, like I don't really get that feeling unless it's my phone, you know?
Like if I saw like a friend fall in the pool, I'd be like, they'll probably be okay.
Not knowing if they could swim or whatever, they'll probably be all right.
But when you see a phone about to go in, you're like, oh my God, it's going to die.
Like, that's what I felt like.
It's going to die.
It.
I mean, it, as if it were more than a machine.
That's, that's what concerned me.
I was like, this, that I thought of it as more than a machine.
Anyhow, so I'm just a little bit worried about the future, man.
When do we stop technology?
At what point do we shut it down when it's not like when it's not helping us anymore?
You know, like when is that?
Like, I can understand in some fields, you know, in some of the medical fields and stuff like that.
But when do we, like, self-driving cars, you know, the trucking industry, they say, will be gone, like cross-country truckers, you know, a lot of stepdads, probably a lot of stepdads doing that work.
When does that end?
Because if we allow self-driving cars, then you just have thousands and tens and hundreds of thousands of men and women that are going to be out of work.
Like, I don't see the benefit there.
Like, at what point is it not helping us to be human?
I feel like we're there right now.
I'd love to know some of you guys' thoughts on that.
I feel like we're at a spot in time where technology isn't helping us as humans anymore.
It's just helping us to create basically machines and a future that has us not as really a big part of the picture.
So that's where I'm at with it, man.
I have a lot of concern there.
You know, I also think that TVs are too clear.
I'm watching this the other day.
I'm trying to watch something, Dances with Wolves.
You know, the movie about, it's about a warrior whenever he goes to, he meets a woman and there, somebody has fucking wolves, I think.
I can't even remember.
Guys, it's sorry, it's 3 a.m.
I'm a little bit out of it.
But, bro, the movie was so clear.
I felt like I was watching home videos from Oklahoma, you know, of like a Civil War reenactment.
I'm like, this is, it just, it didn't hold, it wasn't the same.
So I just wonder if anybody else feels that way.
Like, am I the only person who, I just think televisions are too clear.
Like, I want to know that it's a story.
I don't want to feel like I'm looking into like a weird window where it doesn't seem like a story.
So, those are just some of my thoughts on the future, man.
That's where I'm at.
I know I'm rambling a little bit today, guys.
I'm going to get through this.
And I want to apologize too, man.
I know that, you know, I've said again that there's some things I want to do with this podcast.
I want to get to some other levels.
I want to get some guests.
And I haven't gotten to those things yet for you guys.
And I want to.
I had a guy this weekend at one of the shows, and he was really nice.
After the shows, we were talking.
I met a lot of great people here in Sacramento.
Went downtown, beautiful downtown.
But I met a guy, and I was like, he's saying he likes the podcast.
And I said, well, thank you for listening.
You know, I'm trying to figure it out and, you know, trying to figure out what I'm doing sometimes.
And he goes, just do what you say you're going to do.
That's what he said.
And at first, it kind of struck me a little bit like in a strong thing to say.
But then I was like, he's right, man.
You know, if I'm going to connect with people and I'm going to want to share and have, you know, listeners share with me, you know, I got to do the things that I say I'm going to do.
So I do want you to know that I'm making an effort, that I'm trying to get it done, that I'm trying to create, you know, good, legit content for you guys where we can, you know, move forward and learn some shit together.
It's been a rocky year for me, you know, with the Native American child that could have been that kind of sent my feelings into a whirlwind with the electrocution, you know, with just the belittlement out there in Los Angeles being a southern guy, you know, they don't want us.
They don't want us, man.
They want to take down the statues.
They want to take down the humans, I feel like a lot of times.
But I'm going to try to do the things that I say I'm going to do.
I've had a lot of amazing calls from you guys, and I'm going to try to get to most of them that are relevant.
You know, there's one where it's a guy and his kid just talking in the car for two and a half minutes.
There's nothing there, you know.
There's some where guys are making up stories.
There's a couple where men are jerking off in the distance or women that sound like men that make male jerk off sounds.
There's a lot of stuff going on.
But I got allergies right now.
I got a lot going on today.
I want to get this out to you guys.
I want to get to a few questions.
You can support the podcast if you want.
You can go and grab the album 30 Pound Bag of Hamster Bones.
It's still out there.
And what else?
There's some other cool stuff on the website, theovon.com slash store.
All right, man, let's jump into a couple of calls right here.
Let's go.
Hey, what's up, Theo?
This is Chase.
I'm calling from actually right outside New Orleans at 985.
You heard me?
That 985, boy, I do hear you, Chase, man.
That's my neck of the woods, brother.
Come across 10-4.
I was calling in reference.
You asked about if anybody's having trouble about masturbation or stories about bad jobs or something like that.
Well, I had this job.
I actually really liked it.
It was one of my favorite jobs.
I was driving school bus for the parish.
Oh, nice, dude.
Now, the parish, most states have counties.
Louisiana, we have parishes.
That's what they call it there.
So it's the same thing.
Damn, this dude's pretty gangster, bro.
If you driving bus, bro, go on.
It was basically awesome.
I saw the sunrise every morning, off every weekends.
But there was this one aspect where the high school kids, you know, like public school in, you know, South Louisiana, you could kind of paint the picture in your head.
Yeah.
Really, all the kids were great except for this one.
And I really kind of liked him and hated him because he was like a really smart, sharp dude.
Like, but he was zinging.
Ah, you got zinged by the children, huh?
I can relate to that, man.
I can relate to school bus activities, that's for sure.
Chase, when I was young, bruh, they, well, we had, I'll tell you this story.
We had a boy on our school bus who his daddy made him a wooden shirt.
And I talk about this sometime in my stand-up, but his daddy had made him a wooden shirt, a shirt out of wood.
And not even teak or balsam.
You know, those are malleable woods.
This boy's shirt was made out of ply, ply wood.
And the daddy was an Elvis impersonator.
And he, the daddy was an Elvis impersonator because, well, first of all, he was an alcoholic, you know, because we only had, you know, maybe a few hundred people in our area.
We didn't need a fucking Elvis, dude.
You know, we need, you know, we need gas money and we need ideas.
You know, those are the top two things we need.
Nobody's hiring an Elvis, you know.
And fucking half of everybody's uncle looks a little bit like Elvis anyway.
So nobody's going to go just get another uncle for, you know, whatever price he was charging.
But anyway, this man had broke his leg and they set his leg in cement to fix it cheaper on the cheap, you know.
But when it when it and it healed up well, everybody assumed, but when they but when they broke the cement cast off, they broke it with a hammer, ball peen hammer.
And it re-broke his leg in a hip in about two or three different spots, maybe at least.
So then he was really effed up.
They had to set most of his lower body in the cement, except for where he could urinate out of.
But after that, he healed up.
He kind of had like this wobble in his hips, almost ironically like Elvis Presley.
But anyhow, he had Three or four children, and one of them was a boy.
And the boy used to vomit on the bus all the time because the family didn't have a refrigerator, they only had a freezer.
And he would eat ice cream, and he would, the bus ride would shake and make him sick, and he would vomit up on the bus doing bus vomit.
And anyhow, one week I was coming home from church practice, and the dad was in the garage, and he was making his son a wooden shirt, a shirt out of wood.
And I went over and I didn't know what he was doing.
I thought he was building the fucking biggest birdhouse I've ever seen.
I'm thinking like, damn, this dude, this dude's trying to meet a pelican, you know.
So I go over and I see this activity going on.
And I'm looking at him and the daddy's, he's like, you want to help me out?
And I'm like, I don't know what's going on.
He's like, I'm making my boy a shirt, you know?
And so I want to be helpful.
You know, I'm a young man, but I'm, you know, I'm, you know, fired up to try and be helpful.
So I try and help, but I don't know how to make a shirt.
But anyhow, I came back two days later, and that was Christmas time.
I came back on Christmas and we, and I held the side of this when he nailed his son into the shirt and he made his son a, excuse me, a beautiful, I mean, pretty, pretty, pretty beautiful wooden shirt out of plywood.
So it's not, it almost looked kind of camouflage, you know, because of the ply, because of the different, you know, wood particles that are in there.
But he wore it for a while.
Some people spray painted swastikas on it on the school bus as well.
And nobody had anything against Jews.
People had just seen that on pamphlets, you know, had seen had seen the swastikas on pamphlets and stuff.
And so somebody drew that, you know.
And we didn't even have any Jewish people in our area.
Even though my mother dated a Jewish man for a while.
It was the first Jewish man I ever met, actually.
This man, Zali, was his name.
Still one of the neatest names I've ever heard.
But anyhow, that boy had that shirt for a while, and then some people stole it from him with crowbars and made, allegedly made a baby crib out of the wood.
So that has kind of a sweet ending.
But what I was answering there, sorry to go into that, but what I was answering was this gentleman's question here on the school bus.
Let's go back to that story.
I don't know how I got away from the school bus so far, but that was a strange kid that rode my bus was that boy in the wooden shirt who used to do a lot of bus vomiting.
But anyway, go on, Chase.
Let's get back to you.
Every fucking day.
And it started the very first day I ever picked him up.
He didn't skip a beat, you know, of course smelling of weed.
Steps right onto the bus.
I'm a big fat dude.
You got to understand this.
And he looks right at me.
That's cool, man.
I have some friends that are pretty fat or different types of sizes in their body.
Go on.
So you got the kid getting on the bus making fun of you a lot.
Oh, shit.
It's Peter Griffin driving the bus.
So that pretty much set the tone for the rest of that whole entire school year.
Wow, man.
So you got the kid on the bus.
He's raising hell.
So I was calling to see how would you deal with a situation like that?
Are you just roll with the punches and enjoy getting zinged by a professional?
All right, man.
Well, you know what?
I mean, I'll say this.
If he's quick like that, you might not want to go at him, you know.
Sometimes you just can't compete if somebody's zinging you.
And sometimes you just need to not try and compete and just enjoy the fact that they're zinging you, bruh.
You know?
I mean, if he gets really mean with it, you could ask him, take him aside and be like, look, man, I think you're a funny, funny dude.
You know, respect that in him because he probably takes a lot of pride in being funny.
You know, it might be the only thing he has.
He might not be real smart.
He might just be funny.
Like, you know, when you're a funny kid, I think you take a lot of pride in that.
But just ask him not to be mean.
Say, look, you can make fun of whatever you want.
Just, you know, if he's really gripping at you something that's really hurting your feelings or getting into your feelings, you know, because you got to drive a bus, dude.
You can't be getting bent out of shape because fucking, you know, little Terry is zinging you.
And next thing you know, you're, you know, you're fishtailing, you know, 50 kids around.
You know, you got to keep it together.
So yeah, that's what I would do, man.
You know, just let him have his fun, dude.
Laugh with him.
If you think you got a good one, maybe go back at him.
You know, maybe you could ask some of the other bus drivers, what are some popular terms that they use to make fun of children.
We had a man that drove us to school shirtless one time, this man named Milford.
And he had a mixed boy.
He had a boy that was mixed, but they tried to pretend like the boy was not mixed.
So he had a boy that was half black, half white, a son, but they tried to pretend like the boy had two white parents.
And I always thought that that was interesting.
And I also thought my vision was bad for a while because I would see him and be like, damn, my eyes aren't seeing colors correctly.
I used to think that.
But Chase, thanks for calling in there, dude.
Sorry, I went off on my own tangent.
I'm at my wit's end right now, and I'm high on Claritin.
I've been putting down some Claritin recently this weekend here in Sacramento.
It's Claritin Country.
Let's get into another question right here, man.
Hey, Theo, I got a unique one for you, man.
We got a lot in common in the fatherhood department.
My dad was 66 when I was born.
Okay, wow.
His father was 66 when he was born.
My father was 70 when I was born, so very similar.
And he died when I was 16. Same here.
And right after that, a year after that, I joined the Marine Corps, got deployed, came home.
Thank you for your service, brother.
Came home, and had a hard time readjusting, so I kind of went down a shitty road.
I got a couple questions for you because I think you might be the only person I've ever heard of that's got an old-ass dad like mine.
But how do you handle with not having that father figure to go to?
And do you feel any resentment?
Because I find myself having resentment towards him.
Okay, I'm going to stop it there because that's a lot right there.
How did I handle not having a dad?
And did I feel any resentment?
You know, the resentment, it's hard to have for me because for me, my father just wasn't really there enough to resent him.
So I can resent kind of him not being there.
But he just, at a certain age, there's not a lot that they can even do.
So like he couldn't even be there in a physical capacity.
I mean, my parents also got divorced when I was seven, and then I only saw my father on the weekends, but you know, he could only be there so much in a physical capacity.
So to have a resentment towards him is really tough.
Like I do resent the situation.
I resent his choice to have children when he was that old.
But also, if he doesn't have kids, I don't exist.
So I have to be grateful for that.
I have to be grateful for my own life.
Because if I'm not grateful for my own life, then I'm not, you know, I'm not even taking any stock in myself.
So I am, I do have resentment towards him just for not being there, but I don't have resentment, like small resentments towards him.
Because once he wasn't there, there's nothing really that he could do.
And because of his age, he really couldn't be there.
So I guess there's some resentment there, but not like in every moment.
Like, I wish my dad was here for this.
I wish I don't, I don't hold those resentments.
Now, unfortunately, what I do is I put a lot of pressure on my mother.
You know, I took a lot of things out of my mother that should have been probably a father's responsibilities.
But suddenly all those male responsibilities switch to my mother.
And I think the same thing happens with a lot of kids that just have a mother or just have one parent.
You put the pressures or you put your desires or your expectations that you'd have of both parents onto one.
So I did that a lot.
And I feel bad about some of that, you know, but I was a child and I was trying to survive and I didn't know.
Also was blessed a lot, man.
I had, you know, I found fatherhood in the littlest of things, man.
Any adult that would even talk to me that was a male, like I would remember things that they said because I was just such a sponge for any older man to spend time with me or to talk to me.
You know, I had a friend, one of my best friends when I was younger was this boy, this man Billy.
And he was a homosexual gentleman and he was a fighter.
He used to do some prize fighting down there in southern Louisiana.
Very fancy fella too.
And I used to run him around to buy weed and drugs and this and that.
Really neat man.
He used to cut his own hair as well.
And so did I. We had that in common.
And he kind of became a role model for me.
He was tough, but he was gentle at the same time because he had that romantic interest in men's and in pleasure with men's.
So I would see him and he kind of kind of, he was older than me by about 10 years.
So there was, he had a lot or 15 years maybe.
I mean, hell, he might have been nearly mildly pedophilic in some of his behaviors, but I just embraced being able to be around him because he almost had some father-like abilities.
He was tough.
He cared about me because he probably might have had a light romantic interest, but he also was in touch with his feelings.
So he was sentimental.
So I'll say that.
He was tough, but he was sentimental.
It's kind of what I think a lot of men desire or young men desire in their father.
So I got a little bit of that from my buddy Billy before he actually got pilled up and drove into an embankment.
And he died, I think, in a cutlass.
But I had another man who's still kind of like a stepfather to me today.
I became friends with a kid.
He invited me into his home.
And then me and his stepfather became friends.
And he's still a really good friend of mine today.
And I value him.
I mean, I love him.
He took care of me for years, man, and showed me, even though I wasn't ready to take a lot of his advice and guidance, he was an example.
And that's one thing that was really special to me and still is.
Another man, an older man one time told me, my basketball coach told me to get my high school diploma, get my college diploma.
He was the only man that ever said that to me outright.
And that stuck with me.
And he said, the reason you got to get it is because they can never take it away from you.
That's what he said.
And it was just a man who said that to me, but it stuck with me.
So I would get inspiration from some of the strangest of places, man.
And, you know, and that's the thing.
I think when you are young, if you don't have a father figure, you'll pull it out of anywhere.
It can be a movie.
It can be a song lyric.
It can be a dream, you know, but you are really just thirsty for that guidance or whatever you think a father would give you.
And so you covet it and you'll chase it down anywhere.
And in any male authority figures, or I did anyway, if a man showed interest in me, even though I was still like a corny kid and I was, you know, full of ego and thought I was cool and stuff or pretended like I thought I was cool.
I still probably really valued the fact that somebody cared about me.
So I would just get it here and there, man.
I'd get it door to door almost if I had to.
Let's get one more question here, man.
Then we're going to pop off because I'm tired and I'll get into some other good stuff and try to honor my commitments to you guys.
Thank you guys so much for your support.
Here we go.
What's up, Theo?
Hey, man, this is Luke.
I just wanted to encourage you to continue to work on trying to start a family, man.
I think you're a great person.
You're a good human being.
You have a great heart.
And I don't think there's any reason on the planet that you should feel like any type of apprehension or afraid to do it, man, because I'll tell you what, I was 25. Well, thanks for the nice words, man.
I appreciate you saying some of those things, Luke.
I appreciate that, man.
It's nice of you to say.
Onward.
About three years ago, and I met a girl who had a daughter, and that little girl's dad had left her and didn't want to be a part of her life.
And now, you know, I'm her dad, and she's seven years old now and thriving and living a beautiful life, man.
But, you know, I wanted to give you this advice, Theo.
The commitment you make, it's not a 100-year commitment, Theo.
You just make a commitment, a new commitment, one day at a time.
So every morning I wake up, I commit to be the best dad I can be.
I commit to be the best boyfriend I can be.
And that's all you can do, man.
Don't look at it as a 50-year race because that'll overwhelm you, man.
Just take it a day at a time, Theo.
And I thank you for this podcast, man.
I love it.
It encourages me to be a better person.
And God bless you, Theo.
Thank you, man.
Thanks, man.
I didn't mean to cut you off there, but I really do appreciate the nice words, dude.
That's a great way to think about it, you know?
Because, yeah, if I think of something in a big chunk, I can't handle it.
You know, it's the same way that I deal with staying in sobriety.
So it's interesting that you say that.
That if I try to think, oh, I'm going to stay sober forever, or I'm not going to have another beer, I can't handle it.
That's really tough to stomach.
But if I just think, okay, today I'm not drinking today, or I'm not going to party today, then that's easier to handle, you know?
So that's really great.
That's really great advice that you're offering to me, man, and I appreciate that.
And I appreciate I do get some good calls where you guys are offering me guidance and thoughts and advice, and I really appreciate it.
You know, it makes me feel good that you care because I care, man.
You know, we're out here fucking fighting, dude.
Like, it is, for me, it is hard to be a man, dude.
It's hard.
Because I want to fucking still be a boy.
I want to still screw around.
And there's an environment and a society that caters to that.
It's like, oh yeah, be a, you know, sex is everywhere.
And this is drug party and this and that.
And you can do it all.
But you can't.
You know, you can't do it all.
At certain ages, you can and certain times in your life.
But if you're ready to, if you're trying to grow up and move on or evolve, then you can't.
You know, and it's tough, dude.
It is tough.
It's tough to, you know, to not want to just be a kid forever.
And it's tough to realize you might have the confidence to be a parent to somebody when you still don't know if you've been parented enough as a human.
You know, if I still don't know if I've found enough father figures, you know, to get back to that previous call.
I don't know if I've still, you know, it's tough to decide when you feel like you're you've you're the child that you were and whatever damages were there have been healed or taken care of so that you can evolve and move past that.
So I think that's some of my issues sometimes.
Luke, to get back to your call, I believe it was Luke.
Let me check and see here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
If, you know, it's tough.
It's just tough sometimes, dude.
But I appreciate that, man.
I appreciate that vote of confidence.
And that's a good way to look at it.
And that's a good way to look at any addiction or any concern.
Like, I don't have to do this for 50 years.
I just have to do it for today.
So I'm going to leave us with that, man.
That's a great thought.
You know, that if you're worried about something, you know, if you think, oh, I'm never going to talk to my girlfriend again or I'm never, or my ex-girlfriend, or I'm never going to be able to stop drinking or stop smoking.
It's too big of a task.
You know, our brains will do that sometimes.
They'll make the task so big, so unimaginably big, you know.
But it's not true.
You know, we just don't, we just, it's just today.
Just today you don't have to do it for.
So I'm sharing Luke's words there.
And you know what's funny is, man, I wish there were times in my life when if I'd have had a father figure that had come along and told me some of those things, things like that, simple things, I think I wouldn't have spent years, years, maybe even decade spinning my wheels, not being able to figure out, not being able to figure out things or get past things because I didn't have good advice.
But I would gravitate to it wherever I could get it.
And I think that's what we're all doing these days.
If you're a young man trying to evolve, that's what I'm trying to fucking do, dude.
You know, I'm having to deal with these rap scallions out here trying to use the grill at a damn residence inn.
And I can barely keep my shit together.
But I'm hopeful.
I'm hopeful, man.
I want to thank everybody in Sacramento for coming out.
I'm going to sign off for tonight, man.
And I'm going to try to honor my commitments to you guys, dude.
And I appreciate you guys being supportive and hitting the hotline.
I'll see you guys next Sunday night.
And I'll see you guys in Phoenix in person in two weeks.
You guys be good to yourselves, man.
Try that.
I'm going to try it.
I'm going to try and take some of You guys' wisdom this week.
So, thank you very much.
I'll talk to you later on, man.
Let's get out of here with a little bit of this.
It is called Green Sleeves Epidemic Sound.
Oh, that's a little romancer right there.
That is a little romancer, boy.
The End Yeah, it's tough to decide, you know, when you gotta be, you know, it's tough to decide when you gotta be a leader and when you just gotta listen and be a learner.
My first thought all the time is to try and be a leader, but really, if I'd go back in time, I'd have been better off just being a learner a lot of times.
I'd have been much better off doing it like that.
But I didn't know.
Sometimes you lead because you don't know what else to do.
You lead out of survival, you know?
But hopefully we get to a place in our lives where we can take that breath and let go of the, and just be patient with ourselves and let go of the controls and learn a little bit, you know?
And we learn from each other.
So that's what I'm trying to do, man.
You guys be good to yourselves, man.
Take care of yourself.
You know, be good to yourself.
You probably deserve it.
I'll talk to you later.
Have a good one.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Aye, Suiar.
Easy deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John Main.
I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
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