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May 15, 2017 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
01:18:44
5-15-17 This Past Weekend #22

Mother's Day Extravaganza. Finished editing at 6:15am pst. Have no clue what its about. Good luck. Nap time.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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What's up you little hamster wrangling scoliosis crab apple eaters you guys ready?
Huh?
You ready to play a little bit of junk bump with daddy?
You ready for some powdered sugar up in your butt?
Oh diabetes We got one of the oldest wiggers in the game coming in studio.
We got a wonderful episode.
We got some first-time callers talking about crotch touch their first experience and it's the Mother's Day aftermath.
So thank you for joining me.
Welcome to this past weekend.
this past weekend.
hear that?
Beautiful music, huh?
That is the Dragon Challenge by Epidemic Sound.
Makes me feel like a queen has just passed by, you know, like, oh, Her Majesty, you know?
Like a beautiful queen has just gone by on a boat, like a nice boat made out of pearl or something like that, or something that looks like pearl that would float, you know?
Oh, there's the queen.
There's the queen.
I say that because Mother's Day, Mother's Day has come and gone, and everybody's, you know, hopefully gotten to spend some time with their mother, talk to them, had a nice conversation, or listen to them.
I find as I get older, it's about just listening to my mother.
You know, I just want to make sure that she's okay and that she's trying, you know, she's not worrying.
I think those are things that start to help me the most.
I spoke to my mother today.
I sent her some flowers, actually, from Bloom That.
You might have heard that we'd been advertising for them.
I sent some flowers to her from there.
And she has a husband who has Alzheimer's.
And so he don't do much.
He was in the war.
He was in maybe a couple wars.
I think maybe I want to say possibly the Korean War.
He's got some issues with some Asians.
I do know that.
It doesn't make him a bad person.
They had issues with him as well, I'm sure, during the war.
But he don't do much.
He likes to put on mittens or gloves, and he likes to take them off.
So that's one of his hobbies these days.
A couple times he would break out of the house and go get himself a little can of liquor or can of beer.
And he would have that somewhere being sneaky, and my mother would have to go find him.
So that's kind of what he's up to.
You know, and he have Alzheimer's.
So it was nice to speak to my mother and just make sure she was okay.
She enjoyed her flowers.
And the flowers came with some caramels, different, you know, fancy brown candies, but nice ones that melt in your mouth and make you feel, you know, make your face, make your whole mouth feel kind of almost naughty a little bit, salty and sweet and kind of just nasty a little, but also good and beautiful.
So she enjoyed those, I'm pretty sure.
And we had a nice time, man.
You know, I'm at the age now where I can't, it's not about holding any grudges against my mother.
It's about finding solutions if I do have issues.
We're more and more a little bit able to talk about things.
And it's just about kind of just letting her know that I love her.
You know, I feel like when I think about it.
And I'm sorry.
Welcome to this past weekend, man.
I'm just talking out of the blue out here.
I want to thank you guys for joining me.
I hope your mother's days were beautiful.
I hope I saw a lot of pictures on Instagram of people's mothers.
I liked as many as I could.
But I spoke to my mom and I just want her to be happy.
That's all I want.
When I was young, I thought I was a daddy's boy, you know, or a dad's boy, whatever it's called.
I can't remember.
Daddy's boy sounds almost like, you know, somebody that's being hired as like a male escort or something, maybe out in Scottsdale or in Palm Springs.
So I'm not that.
I just thought I was, my dad wasn't around, so I thought I was a father, you know, I just wanted to be that, you know, because when you're young, you want to be whatever you're not kind of.
You know, you want to be the, you know, you just, you want to raise hell.
You want to cause ruckus.
So that's, I thought I was a daddy's boy.
But I wasn't, man.
As I get older, I realize that I'm just, you know, I just want my mother to be happy.
And I just, you know, I'm like my mother in a lot of ways.
Some good and some bad.
But I'm more of a mama's boy.
And it took me a long time to realize that.
But I'm realizing it now.
But yeah, at a certain point, you can't hold grudges anymore.
If I'm still holding grudges against my mother, I'm 37 years old.
And something's wrong.
Then it's my issue.
It's not our issue anymore.
It's my issue.
So I have to figure out what's going on.
If I am, come to terms with it and get out of it.
Because life is short.
And our lives are short.
And I just want my mother to be happy, you know, when I think about it.
We had a little bit of a tough spell over growing up.
And I was pretty blessed, man.
I found a bunch of different mothers that took me in into their families and into their homes and made me feel just like a regular kid, you know, and loved me and helped me out as much as possible.
You know, I got emancipated at 14 and I spent time living with friends and families.
And I've just been eternally, when I really think about it, blessed by the grace that people showed me.
I mean, I have been shown more joy than more grace and more, just, I've just, I've been helped.
I've been helped.
So it's amazing to me that a mother, that they can extend beyond their own children when they have a lot of those qualities.
And it's just, it's pretty fascinating.
But these days, you know, I talk to my mother and I just want her to be happy.
You know, and she sometimes she just talks and talks and I don't know what she's talking about.
I just try to listen and be a quiet listener, try to be supportive.
But she got some tulips.
That's what I sent, and I hope she enjoyed them.
I'm going to jump off that conversation right now.
Or actually, I guess when I think about my mother even more, you know, I didn't always treat my mother very good.
That's one thing I realize as I get older.
I wasn't a good son.
You know, I have some responsibilities as a son.
You know, I've talked about this before, but, you know, I rejected my mother a lot of times.
You know, I wasn't like a proud son a lot of times.
I was, you know, I was just uncomfortable and I was just selfish.
And I know I was a child, and you have a right to be selfish as a child because you have to have your needs met when you're a young child.
But as you get older, you can just be being selfish.
You know, if all you're concerned about is getting your needs met, then at a certain point, there's a lot of selfishness there.
And I was that a lot of times.
And I rejected my mother because we didn't have any money sometimes.
And I rejected her maybe because she didn't.
My mother was a hard worker, still is, and she didn't take care of herself that much.
Or she didn't care about beauty.
She didn't care about looking fancy or putting on makeup or anything.
But that made me feel like she just didn't care about putting on airs for anyone.
She was a very real woman.
And at the time when I was young, I just, I guess I wanted her to put on airs.
I wanted, you know, that idea of a mom that you see.
Like on the televisions, you know, on Leave It to Beavers and stuff like that, different shows, you know, regular shows, Roseanne, but more of a thin Roseanne.
So, you know, I rejected my mother a lot and I feel bad about some of those things.
But I'm old, you know, but now one of the blessings I still have my mom is that I'm able to discuss those things with her and get into them.
And, you know, it's never too late to apologize.
It doesn't have to be a special phone call that you make to your mom.
It doesn't have to be on Mother's Day.
It can be on any Monday like today.
If you've got something to say, just get it out of your heart and get it out of your soul and get it into your mother's ears.
You know, there's no place better for a son's concerns, I don't think, than their mother's ears.
Even if she's not going to give you the response you want, I think there's just something about a son or a daughter saying something to their mother, you know, and just putting it on them that is innately comforting to us.
And I put a lot of pressure on my mom growing up.
You know, it was just her.
And when you're a child like that, you know, and it's just your mother, you naturally look to your mother for whatever your father is supposed to give you as well.
And so it can give you a, it can put, you know, ridiculous, unachievable desires and expectations on your mother because you are looking for a complete circle of parenting and there's no way your mother can give it all to you because she can't be a man.
She can't be two parents.
So I have a lot of, you know, I probably have some resentments or some amends to make in that category too once I figure out what expectations I put on my mother that I probably was supposed to put on a father, but they weren't there.
Because that's not my mother's responsibility.
You know, that's my father's responsibility who wasn't around.
But anyway, I'm not trying to bring everybody down.
I started shit off bad.
What the fuck, Dio?
I don't know.
I don't know, man.
We got a good episode, dude.
I got the oldest Wigga in the game coming in, Mr. Raja Rod.
I've been a fan of this man for a long time, and I've seen him here and there.
And you guys are going to be excited.
We've got some great calls that came in from some listeners.
I want to do a special episode this week, I think, hopefully.
Just about, I think it's going to be about manhood and what that means.
We've had a lot of calls about it.
And thank you so much for calling and hitting the hotline.
That number is 985-664-9503.
We got people calling in about the first time they touched some crotch and sharing those experiences.
And I'm going to, I mean, I know it's a weird thing on a Mother's After Day special to get into that, but we're going to get into that, some of those crotch calls and take some crotch callers.
So want to be a baller, crotch caller.
So I was fascinated by that.
I think, because crotch and touch, boy, touch and crotch.
When you're young, it just, I mean, it is like a damn.
I mean, it's like somebody just, it's like the first time you ever see one of those babies that could hear for the first time on those videos.
It's like, this magic baby, they put, you know, they put headphones on this magic baby.
And, you know, baby could see for the first time.
Baby gets retinas repaired for the first time.
When I see that, that's what it is like.
For a man, it is.
Anyway, the first time you down there touching some, we'll say kuder, you know, to keep things comfortable here on this Mother's Day special.
We'll say kuder.
The first time you're seeing some kuder, you really are touching some.
It's like that first time.
It's just like one of those videos on Facebook where, you know, like dog hears its owner.
You know, dog hears its owner for the first time.
Dog sees its cousin for the first time.
You know, it's like one of those, you know, it's one of those, man.
It's that magical moment where it's like this area that you can, and there's so much heat.
That's what I remember about that crotch heat, bro.
It was, I mean, God, it was like somebody had just put a furnace inside of, you know, a woman's pants.
I mean, it was just like, you ever get those mitten packets that keep your hands warm if you do skiing or you do outdoor work in the Kodiak or in the cold weather, you know, or if your freezer doesn't have a door, your refrigerator doesn't have a door and your kitchen gets really cold because they don't have ways to close them up and you have to use those freezer packets, you know.
And I'm sure that's probably erroneous.
A lot of people don't have that.
I had a friend who didn't have any freezer door or refrigerator door.
Someone had stolen the doors to their appliance, many of their appliances, actually.
And so the cold would always be coming out.
And so they'd have to wear extra shirts and stuff.
But they have these hand warmers you can get.
And man, it was like the first time you put your hand down by a girl's crotch.
That's kind of what occurred, I felt like.
But we're going to get into some of those calls.
And we're going to get to our guest.
We're going to get to it.
I'm going to tell you what else.
This past weekend, not much, man.
You know, to be honest with you, I probably had like, I think, 16 comedy sets at the different clubs.
I hung out with Howie Mandel for a little bit, and it was nice, actually.
Howie's always been really nice to me.
He's a charming man.
And we had a good time.
I got to see him and his wife.
She's a lovely lady.
We had a nice time, man.
Howie's funny, and he's got a great heart.
If you ever see celebrities on TV and you don't know what some of them are like, that's fine.
But you can know this about Howie Mandel.
He may seem bizarre, you know, and maybe his humor is for you or isn't for you.
That's not to be judged.
I mean, you can judge it.
That's fine.
But don't doubt that he's a nice man.
He's a very nice man.
He's just a good guy.
What else happened, dude?
I felt better.
I appreciate it.
I got a lot of calls from people this week seeing how I was feeling, and I feel a little bit better.
Some of that was just being off the road and being able to be at home and just enjoy my environment, man.
My plants were dying.
I got two plants, and they were dying.
So it just felt a little bit better.
I took a walk today.
So I'm going to drop these dates on you guys right now, and then we're going to get into our guest.
He's going to be here in studio, and then we're going to get some calls, man.
These are some of my favorite calls.
I'm really, really excited about this.
Next weekend, the 25th through 28th, I'll be at Tampa at the Side Splitters Comedy Club.
And then I'll be in Pittsburgh, June 1st through June 4th, okay?
And then I will be at Gotham in New York City, June 23rd through June 24th in New York City, New York.
They call it the same thing to piss you off right there.
And then I'm in Wyoming, Illinois.
And that's about an hour from the Quad Cities in Iowa.
It's a small town at the Paramount Theater.
And those tickets are available on TheoVon.com.
I also have a new album that came out.
It's of my early stuff.
Now, if you picked up an album at my show, it might be the same material.
So I'm just letting you know that if you want to check the material before you purchase it.
But it's Musket Fire, The Early Years of Satire.
And that's available now on iTunes.
It's a lot of the stuff from the Netflix special.
So it's not material that is similar.
It's not the same material from the Netflix special, but it's similar material.
And it's on sale now.
Then I'll be, where else?
I'll be at the Improv in Orlando.
I think we moved those dates to July 13th through 16th.
Also, you can grab 30-pound bag of hamster bones, which is still on sale.
And theovon.com slash store is where you can get most things, t-shirts as well.
All right.
We got a guest in.
I'm excited for him.
It's late here, guys.
Honestly, it's 1 a.m.
here on Pacific Standard Coast Time, Coastal Time.
This past weekend.
All right.
Happy to have him here today, man.
Thank you so much for joining me.
What I want to say, one of the realest and oldest wiggers in the game, Mr. Roger Rodd.
Appreciate that, and it's really a pleasure to work at the Theo.
You have a tremendous reputation, and I can see why.
I appreciate that, man.
What do you feel like when I say the term wigger?
Actually, from what I understand of your background, you wouldn't qualify because you actually did assimilate and were accepted with the black culture because they were in your neighborhood.
It was about a half and half, as you said.
Yeah, I mean, you were half black, half white.
We'd been discussing this before we jumped on the air.
Absolutely.
And to me, a wigger is the white kid that lives in Beverly Hills with his bad.
Mom and dad bought him the Hummer.
He has the gold chains and he sings Living in the Projects and it's Get Back to Bel Air, Josh.
Right.
That's pretty much the way I see it.
Okay.
So that is more of an accurate description of a Wigger where you're from.
From the perception of the way I hear blacks use that term wigger.
And of course, I've used the joke many times around them.
Listen, okay, Wigger, that's for us.
All right.
We like Wigga.
Now, Wigga is okay, but Wigger, we put the UR on the N. Now we're going to fight.
Right.
Now that's an issue.
So do you feel like that's a term that's accepted in the black community, Wigga?
It's very derogatory, really.
They look at it like you're trying to bite our style.
Oh, really?
You're stealing from us, and we don't accept you, so don't act like we do.
Wow.
It's just, you listen to the music, you wear the clothes, but you're not one of us, so stop trying to act like you are.
I see.
Which is where you don't fit because you actually were.
Right.
Yeah, I mean, I grew up in an environment where, I mean, I was in a group called Niggas for Life for a while when I was young.
And I'm not saying that that made me black or it was just a group of friends that I felt comfortable around.
You know, we all had single, it was all single-parent families.
We're all poor.
We're all Out on our bikes screwing around every day.
And I didn't feel really accepted by a lot of the redneck culture.
And that was a lot around me.
So the only other poor culture around me was black culture.
So, you know, you had to kind of fit in somewhere.
So I tried to fit in there.
And a lot of times I felt like I did, you know.
And then a lot of times I felt like I didn't.
There really isn't any way you can ever cross over into that line to total acceptance.
There is a lot more of a line between tolerance and acceptance.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what I would say.
And it's very understandable because they really, I think we all have a certain preconceived notion and acceptance when we see the same skin color we have.
Yeah.
That there's a we identify with this because we live the same life with this color all the time.
It's not that we socialize and interact with this is who we are all the time and we can't change it.
Right.
And that's what I do on stage particularly.
I'm not going to plug my act, but I make fun of everybody else's culture because that's really what makes this difference.
That and what you always mention is the big equalizer, which is money.
Yeah.
If you're poor, it doesn't matter where you are.
There's a really brilliant comic that I run into that makes the point of poverty is really what has everybody sectioned off the way they do.
Like everyone has the ability to live on some kind of government assistance, but if you're black, you live in the hood with other black people.
You could live with the same money in a trailer park, but you're thinking, I may be poor, but I ain't that fucking poor that I'm living with those guys.
And the trailer park people the same way.
Hey, look, I may be on section 8 here, but I ain't living in there with them people, and that's how it goes.
Yeah, I'm not going to make that poor choice then to also live outside of my culture.
Like if I'm destitute or if I'm very poor, I'm not going to live outside of my culture.
You're going to still congregate with the people that share your skin color.
Right.
That's interesting, man.
I got to ask, what happened in your life that made you realize you were so popular with the black community?
Because I don't know another comedian.
I'll say this.
I don't know another comedian that's your age.
I don't even know your age, but I know you're older than me.
That's kind, thank you.
And I don't even know many that are my age that are able to perform for black audiences and fit in with black audiences like you do.
What made you realize that that was an audience that was for you?
There were a few things.
Some of them were based upon the business here in Los Angeles.
Some of them were largely associated with football because I played on a lot of all-black teams.
Okay.
And I very much was comfortable with them and had a whole different idea than most white people do about when you really go to war with these guys, you see who they really are.
And all of the things you hear about how bad they are just disappear.
They're your brothers.
You'll die for them.
And then there's the other thing when I first started dabbling in black clubs, I saw like a 60-minute show.
And the guy that was talking said something about white people are terrified to talk about race.
And with black people, race is everything.
And the first thing I thought of is, well, I'm not afraid to talk about race.
And there's some kind of a vibe about me that I'm not trying to make myself out to be something mystical, but there's some kind of a vibe in the way I carry myself that black people look at me and they say, he doesn't hate us.
He isn't afraid of us.
He just seems like he's comfortable here.
And they pick up on that.
And I've always felt that way because I give that off because that is the way I feel.
I'm not afraid of them.
I don't hate them.
And I'm comfortable there.
Yeah.
All right.
So, Roger, I got to ask, are you black or white?
I would have to say I'm white on the outside and multicolored inside.
Okay.
Multicolored.
And what colors are we going to see in there if we were to crack you open?
Crack me open.
I'd probably bleed red, but a lot of me still identifies with black a lot.
I do.
I don't think I'm black.
I don't try to act black, but I very much appreciate that culture.
There's parts of it I don't like, but the major portion of it.
What I love most about it is the indomitable spirit.
They refuse to be unhappy no matter how many times or ways they get fucked culturally.
They always see the upside.
You know, it's interesting because I sometimes feel like sometimes I'm like, do black people even feel bad?
Like, do they even feel sad?
You know, like, because black people are always pretty upbeat or level.
And sometimes I've, and maybe I've mistooken it as that black people just, do they not have those feelings?
I would say without even knowing what the statistics are, I bet if you looked at them, they've probably got the lowest suicide rate.
I have to think so.
They always find a reason to keep trying, keep fighting, something to be happy about.
Wow.
Something to see an upside with.
Most positive culture.
I remember when I first started playing black clubs, it was at a really low point in my life.
I'd gone through a bad romance.
I was more poverty stricken than I'd ever been.
My career didn't seem to be going anywhere.
And I'm playing in black clubs.
And I'm in these really low, low, low-income neighborhoods.
And I'm being as kind as I can and seeing comics that I knew were living in cars and living in very poor conditions.
And they would get on stage and say something like, I woke up today, the sun hit my face.
It's a beautiful thing to be alive.
And I'm thinking, what the fuck is wrong with me?
That if this guy can see life that way, where did I go wrong?
What's so bad about my life?
Wow.
Real positivity.
Yeah.
And you play football with them and you really get it.
They're your brothers.
And the other thing I noticed on the football scene is that you would get on these 14-hour bus drives we sometimes had to take and the white guys would all be sitting around bored shitless, maybe reading a book, but most of the time just staring at the front seat.
And the blacks are in back playing dominoes and playing spades and cards, yucking it up, laughing it up, high-five.
They always were fucking having more fun than we were.
And I started hanging around with them.
Yeah.
Yeah, why do black people have more fun than white people?
Because I, yeah, like the most fun, sometimes white people, it seemed like, like white people would be like, you know, like, ooh, ooh, you know, like, I'm having a good time, you know, but like black people will really, like, you know if they're having a good time.
And they usually are.
They can get a big kick out of a very small thing.
Yeah.
And that's, what, what's really funny culturally is some of the times something that you and I would say to each other if we were just kind of exchanging insults in a friendly way, that it wouldn't be anything particularly funny, but it's something their culture's never heard.
Like I called this guy, you snot-nosed little bitch, and that just killed him.
You snot-nosed little bitch.
They'd never heard a man call another man a snot-nosed little bitch.
But now some of the names that they come up with that you and I never heard it, you're all on the floor.
It's like, Where the fuck did you put that combination of words together?
Now, a lot of white guys are afraid to make love to black women because I feel like, because black women, they fuck back, I feel like, you know.
Like, white women, if it's like you kind of fuck them, you know.
But black women, it really seems like they fuck back, you know?
Like, they got that real attack pussy at times.
Do you ever feel like that?
Well, you've been with black girls growing up where you did, I'm sure.
No, I was with one black girl who had like some crazy mirrors on her ceiling and stuff out here.
And that may have been the only one I can't remember at this moment.
The culture in general is very aggressive in the way that they do the flirting and the dating game.
It's very different than ours.
Very, very different.
I mean, they're just very aggressive, male and female.
If they want you, they'll let you know, and they'll make it very clear you're stepping over the line, or you're very welcome.
Come on board.
Right.
It's a very demonstrative thing, once again.
That's the way they are.
Yeah.
Culture.
When I say they, I hate to say that like them, all them people.
No, but look, we're talking about black and white culture.
We're talking about a culture.
Yeah, exactly.
That's been my experience that when a sister wants to get with you, there's no guesswork.
She'll let you know.
Wow.
She'll definitely let you know.
And do you have any tips for like a white guy who's trying to get with some sisters out there or really trying to test some of the black women and see if they have a chance with some?
Do you have any guidance there?
It depends on what you're trying to get with.
If you're just trying to get laid, all you need is a lot of money.
That will probably work and spend a lot of money.
Because that's for any women.
That's for any woman.
That's the ultimate equalizer.
If you're looking to kind of fit in, the first thing that you want to do is just be real.
Be you.
That's going to work best.
Be real.
If you try to act black, there couldn't be a bigger turnoff.
Yeah.
Why is it that I feel like a lot of the younger black comics now couldn't make it in a black room?
Younger black comics, you mean such as the ones you see in a mainstream club?
Yeah.
Because they've geared their act towards a white audience.
They've geared their act to cross over to a white audience and done material that is very different from the culture that they come from most of the time.
Or there's suburb blacks that are more comfortable in the white culture because they're not familiar with the hood.
That's often the case as well.
A suburb black has almost as much disconnect to the black culture as you and I do.
Why is it hard even like, I mean, I grew up in like a white hood, you know, I mean, it was, you know, we were right on, we shared, you know, we're right next to the poor black neighborhood was the poor white neighborhood.
I mean, there wasn't, we all rode the same school buses together.
Why is it that it's hard to let go of the hood for people?
Do you feel like even if they transcend class or environment, why does like the hood like stick to you?
Do you know what I'm talking about at all?
I surely do.
And it is a phenomenon that's very difficult for us to understand.
It's something that I think there's a part of it that they like the idea that this is something I rose up from and the friends that I have left behind are now my entourage and my fan club and the people that I know that I can trust to have the most connection towards.
Like Biggie, when he was at his apex, a lot of times he said he found himself daydreaming about what was going on in the hood.
And here's a guy living in penthouse private jet level wealth.
And he was wondering, what are the homies doing on the streets?
And that's just something that is a very difficult thing to disconnect from.
Yeah, and I guess because maybe life's so real out there.
Like, you know, I felt like even in our neighborhood, life was very real for us because we all spent time together outdoors.
You know, like there wasn't anything going on indoors except like fighting.
You know, the air, we couldn't run the air conditioner.
So it was like, it wasn't even comfortable to be indoors.
So everybody was outdoors.
And that's where, you know, you just got acclimated in your environment.
You were really in your environment.
Right.
You know, you didn't just meet up for like play dates like kids do now and stuff like that.
I mean, we spent our lives outdoors.
And we got, yeah, that's one thing you don't see that much of anymore, particularly in white culture.
Yeah.
I mean, could you imagine probably in the home you grew up in that on a nice, bright, sunshiny day, you're sitting on the couch playing with your Xbox.
My mom and dad would have said, get the fuck outside and go play.
You're not sitting around on that thing all day.
Yeah, yeah.
No, yeah, would have been, or given us a set amount of time, but then it's time to go.
Then it's time to go, exactly.
Yeah, you guys need to get outside.
And didn't even really keep tabs.
I think now everybody's just scared of like kidnappers, you know, like I was talking about and pedophiles of attacking children, you know, and stuff like that.
But to not even enjoy years of playing outside because of maybe one pedophile, that seems intense to me, you know?
And it really is a sad thing that we have come to that, such as now we're living in a culture that has swung once again with that pendulum too far in one direction, where you'll see a parent smack their kid in the ass in the grocery market and then 15 minutes later, child protective services hit their front door and they're child abusers.
That was not part of our lives growing up.
And the kind of thing about walking to and from school at the age of, say, six years old, a six-year-old kid walking to and from school by himself right now, the police are going to show up and they're probably going to harass the parents.
That's some kind of child endangerment.
And Christ, we did it all the time.
That was just part of it.
Now, I notice sometimes my tone of voice will change when I'm around black people.
You know, if I'm around certain black people, some black people, it won't.
And maybe that's just nature of just acclimating to an environment.
What do you think about that?
Because I know this happens a lot with white people and black people.
As long as it's not overdone, it's something that I look at it that I get a little jargony because when I'm around Latinos, I speak a little bit of Spanish.
Yeah, I'll even pull on a Latino accent, a Mexican accent.
When I'm around, when anyone that you're around, if you're around a bunch of blue bloods, you're going to change your whole style.
All you have to really do to change your entire personality is put on a fucking suit sometime and walk out the door and immediately have a different attitude and a whole different demeanor about you.
Yeah, you feel like shit, dude.
You might have a job.
We're all things to all people.
There's nothing wrong with that as long as you don't overdo it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And is there like a kind of a, like a, like, what's a good starter kit for a kid these days who wants to kind of, you know, wig up a little and get into black culture?
what's a good starter kit, kind of?
Like, what does he need to know?
First thing is: remember he's white and don't try to act black.
There couldn't be a bigger turnoff.
Right.
Remember you're white and don't try to act black.
And don't try to act black.
Don't try to come with the jargon.
Don't try to, what's up, we all, what's up, son?
You know what I'm saying?
Stop all that shit.
They can see right through it.
They can see it right through it.
That's Seth Green.
That's like something Seth Green would do.
It's like a bad, bad impersonation of Seth Green.
And what else?
Like when it comes to attire or anything like that, cologne, like is there any sort of, you know, any, what else do you need to know?
You know, like, what else do you have to, you know, do you have to have?
Attitude.
What about an attitude?
Be real.
Be real, don't be afraid.
Be real, don't be afraid.
And that's the one thing that look a brother right in the face and say, what's up?
That'll get your miles.
Because they're expecting you to stare at the ground.
They're expecting you to kiss their ass.
They're expecting you to giggle at everything they say.
Just what's up?
Talk to them.
Be a people.
Be a person.
Just be real.
Yeah, just be real.
Just be you.
That always works.
Blacks love real.
They love real.
You know what else they respect?
Balls.
Balls.
I have said some things on stage I cannot believe I said.
And it was one of those, I don't believe you said that, but it was funny type of laughs.
And I got out of there alive just fine.
But I've said some incredibly racy, edgy things.
But again, one more of the thing is, and believe me, I'm not trying to come off like I'm the great knee, but I am known to the other white comics when they come into the club and they see what I do and they're newer and they're trying to cross over and they see what I do and they think, oh, that's it.
All you have to do is be really edgy and be really over the, uh-uh.
You got to know where the lines are.
And I found them out the hard way just like anybody else has to.
That's the urban update right there from the white side.
From the white guy, yes.
The bridge to Terra, the bridge to black obethia.
That's kind of what you are a little bit for us, man.
You know, because you've been out there.
You're learning, man.
Learning is the best way to put it.
Part of the culture, absolutely not.
I always say the same thing to the newer white comics when they come into the club.
This is what you need to remember.
Act like you're a guest in somebody's home because you are.
Because when these black comics go to the mainstream clubs, they get treated like shit.
So don't act like you have some entitlement to be on the stage.
Act like you're a guest in someone's home.
That's interesting.
I think that's a great thing to remember for almost no matter where we are, you know?
But especially, yeah, culturally, you know.
We still have to remember that there's, you know, even though we're all Americans, that there's a lot of like, there's a lot of cultural differences, you know?
Gigantic.
Gigantic at all.
And to say the other thing is that we all don't, we all, when people say the term that we're all racist, I don't believe in that because again, I've said for the umpteenth time, there's one race, the human race.
But I think we all are guilty of prejudice, those of us that are going to be honest.
Prejudice, the root of which is prejudge.
We all see somebody of a different culture and prejudge them in some way or another, consciously or unconsciously.
For example, you're on a plane, somebody walks in with a turban.
What do you think?
A turban of what?
Meaning that they walk in with a burqa.
They walk in with a scarf.
Oh, a headpiece.
Yeah, you're walking over there.
I'm thinking of a...
Yeah, but you see somebody that's clearly from the Middle East.
What's the first thing you're thinking?
Oh, yeah, they're probably hiding jewels or something.
Or they got a bomb, or this guy is hagi that's going to hijack the plume with a razor blade or who knows what.
But you're not thinking.
And I certainly have prejudgings towards people that aren't necessarily non-white skinned.
I prejudge the Russian culture quite a bit.
I do that now.
Oh, yeah, I do everyone.
I stereotype everyone for sure.
I stereotype.
I'm a stereotypist.
I mean, I'd be a stenographer.
I mean, I do.
And some of the stereotypes are good and accurate because it gives you healthy ways to approach people.
But yeah, when you, I guess going to a place of judgment sometimes can be, you know, it can be dangerous because you might not get you might not get the full opportunity out of an opportunity.
What it does is it'll make you a better person, just like I think we've discussed anything, I won't say anything out of school, but we're at least both familiar with 12-step groups.
And the first chance anybody has to ever beat an addiction is they must be able to look to a crowd and say, hi, my name is Blank.
I am an alcoholic.
And once you recognize, hi, my name is Roger, and I have prejudice towards other people.
And that's your first chance to give yourself at least a fighting opportunity to overcome it and recognize when you're doing it.
And the first thing that I can think of is I had a Corvette back in, because it was in 98. I had a Corvette that literally caught fire with me inside of it in a pouring down rainstorm.
I barely got to the freeway exit, barely got out of the car alive with the thing almost in bursting flames.
And it was pouring down rain.
It was in the middle of Oakland.
I ran two blocks and I looked like a wet-soaked rat into this liquor store.
I didn't have a dime in my pocket.
Everything was still in the car.
And two Middle Eastern guys that I would have been writing jokes about treated me like I was a long law.
Here, have a cup of coffee.
Use our phone blanket.
Don't worry, my friend.
You can always buy another car.
Here it's live.
And I felt like a piece of shit because of the way I often speak about that culture.
Wow.
So, you know, we all have to keep our minds open and recognize, yeah, I've got this in me.
Yeah, because you never know when you're going to need someone of another culture.
You never know when you're going to need anyone else.
You never know when you're going to need to have a better opinion of yourself.
Yeah.
That's a good way to look at it.
Yeah.
That's a great way to look at it.
Well, that's it.
Roger Rodd.
I appreciate you coming in.
And people can find you if they want to support the tour.
Blue Lives Matter.
Blue Lives Matter Comedy Tour.
Blue Lives Matter Comedy Tour.
Yes, and that's.com.
And at Roger Rodd on Twitter and on Instagram and Facebook, same thing.
R-O-G-E-R-R-O-D-D-D.
R-O-G-E-R-R-O-D-D, all one word.
Yeah.
So you guys check him out.
The oldest Wigga in the game here with us today and one of my favorite comedians to watch, man.
Dude, I appreciate what you do, man, because I really do feel like, you know, you're helping people realize that we can learn, man.
Well, as much as I appreciate you for having me on this show, you're a very accomplished, certainly a lot further along in this game than I am.
And for you to have brought me on board is a big honor.
Thank you.
Well, I hope I'm able to sit there one day and be able to rehash so many good stories and have such a good attitude about my career and just about myself and about what's going on and to be able to inspire other people to, you know, to think.
They don't have to think differently, but at least inspire them to start by thinking.
I think you do that already.
Thanks, man.
I appreciate it.
Appreciate you.
All right, we'll be right back.
We're going to get some of you guys' questions.
We got some great ones on this Mother's Day episode this past weekend.
This past weekend.
All right, let's get to some callers.
Guys, I'm so thankful for the calls.
Just the questions, I'm going to try to do another episode this week for Wednesday or Thursday.
It's just a lot, but I'm going to try.
And it's just a lot because, you know, I got to pay somebody to edit it and just to piece it together.
There's just a lot of stuff that goes into it.
I've got to rent studio if I need the studio.
So there's just a lot of little things that go into it.
But I'm overwhelmed with the amount of calls and questions and inquiries.
And I just want to say you're welcome.
A lot of people have said thank you.
I don't feel like I'm doing anything.
I feel like I'm kind of a conduit of just trying to make an effort.
I think a lot of my life I feel like I don't know if I feel like I haven't been a good person, but I feel like I've just thought about myself.
And I don't want to be that way always.
You know, sometimes selfishness is a disease a little bit.
You know, because it's sometimes you're selfish.
You know, I think I was selfish growing up because I was just worried that if I didn't think about myself, that nobody was going to be.
And I may have said this before, but it's just kind of resonating with me right now.
Like, I think I was, you know, I was selfish because I was worried.
I was afraid.
Like, if I don't think about me, then nobody is going to be thinking about me in the world.
And when you're a kid, that's a scary, that's the scariest thing in the world.
You know, to think that no one's going to be thinking about you.
That just, you know, I don't know anything more hurtful to a child probably than to feel, than to feel that no one is going to be thinking about them, that they're unthought of.
And so I think I definitely developed some selfishness there as a child.
You know, I was just worried that if I wasn't thinking about me, that no one was.
And then you get addicted to that.
You just get used to it.
It becomes a habit.
I have to think about me, you know, as a child.
But then as an adult, you're just still stranded with this habit that's not serving you anymore.
And to get out of that, I have to do things for other people.
And I'm still learning that.
And I've got to try harder.
But it is nice to know that some of you guys think that this podcast is helping to do that because it makes me feel a little less selfish or it makes me feel like I'm battling that leftover bad habit of just being self-serving.
You know, and especially I live in a self-serving city.
You know, I have a self-serving job.
I feel like people say my job brings laughter to people, but it's hard not to feel like that it's just for me sometimes.
I don't know.
But I love you and I appreciate the calls.
And I'm grateful, man.
There's so many nice messages and stuff.
I wish I could play every one for you.
And I'm going to try to slowly incorporate them.
I'll save them all.
So when they'll fit in, they'll fit in.
But let's get to some calls.
We do have some female listeners out there, and they're growing.
Our female listener population is growing.
And I'm excited about that.
And we had some callers call in about the first time they touched a little bit of crotch.
And when you touch crotch as a child, you know, that is, it's like, I mean, I can't, it's like, it's just like somebody have, you ever see have like a friend, you know, you ever have to see those mitten packets that keep your hands warm?
It's like a special packet that you buy that you put into a mitten or a, if you have a bag or something, you want to put your hands in a bag, but it's cold in the bag.
They got these little heat warmer packets that you can break kind of or bend and it cracks something inside of them and it makes heat, free heat, small, small amount of heat.
And people put those in their mittens or their socks or whatever.
And those things warm.
They just, it's this intense warm.
It's almost like this atomic little slice of rock.
Well, that's what it's like for a boy, I felt like the first time you get near that crotch area on a female, you know, the first time you get your hand up near that little female water spout, you know, you just, you know, that flat water spout, really, I should say.
It just, you're fired up.
I mean, because that's just, I mean, it's really, it's the first time, I mean, you came out of a vagina as a child, and then as a teenager, or whenever you get to touch some crotch, it's the first time you get back there.
So you've really just been wandering around for a long time away from your, you know, your shuttle bus, you know, the shuttle bus that brought you into existence, the female crotch.
And this is almost oddly kind of fitting for Mother's Day because we all came out of a mother, you know, most of us anyway, unless somebody made you somewhere.
But let's get to the call right now.
We got Robin in Atlanta calling us.
And you are on the line, Robin.
Ooh, I'm nervous.
Sia Vaughn.
My name's Robin.
I'm from Atlanta.
Ooh, she's got a nice voice, huh?
You like that?
They used to have these phone sex lines.
They might have them.
We could call up at night and spend a bunch of your parents' money and listen to people talk about dirtiness on the air.
Does she have a nice voice like those ladies?
Orator onward.
And I want to comment about everything that you say, but I wanted to comment specifically about the crotch touching.
My first experience with having my crotch touched was...
I'm just like, wow, this is exciting, dude, because I want to know what girls are thinking onward.
Touched was in the sixth grade.
Ooh, naughty Robin Young.
Okay, sorry for interrupting a bunch.
Let's go on.
In the sixth grade in my parents' backyard in a refrigerator box with my boyfriend.
Wow, refrigerator box.
Well, this is already awesome.
Let me just say this is already awesome.
I will never, next time I see some kids making a space shuttle out of one of those boxes, I'll never, you know, I will never second guess that maybe they're up to more than that.
That's for sure.
Onward.
And I wasn't concerned about it being bad or nasty.
It seemed pretty natural.
But I was concerned because I knew his hands were dirty and that they might be salty and that.
Salty hands?
Yeah, I mean, that's a concern.
I mean, it is a concern.
It's your concern, and I appreciate you sharing it with us.
I mean, this is an intimate story.
But yeah, I guess you could worry if they got salt, something gets up there.
You know, you don't want a bunch of, you know, you don't want things to start to pearl inside of your vagina.
And I don't know if that can occur or not.
But yeah, I guess if you get a little bit of salt in there, it could start to purl up over by the time you're about, you know, I mean, that's probably about 12th grade.
I think it takes about six years for something to pearlize.
Anyway, onward.
That concerned me a little bit, but it didn't end up stinging or anything.
It did make me feel funny for about a week.
You know, just funny mentally.
I felt like I had crossed some threshold.
And there's a question for you.
What's the definition of fingering?
Huh.
Wow.
So, well, first of all, it made her feel funny for like a week, she said.
That's interesting.
I do remember feeling like I crossed some sort of threshold because you don't have, all you have is a million mental images and ideas and gifs, I guess, or GIFs, those little like video images that they have now.
But back in the time, we used to call them memories.
It was like a, or ideas.
It was like a quick idea you had in your head of something.
And those are kind of like the GIFs that we have now, I feel like.
You know, you'd have like this quick idea of maybe what a crotch was like or what, you know.
But the fact that it was salty and that, and then, and, but then once you found out, once you found out what a crotch was like, I lost my train of thought.
Once you found out what a crotch was like, you, yeah, you knew.
You had this knowledge then.
You had this, you know, you'd opened up this universe.
You know, it's like you'd gotten like a special warp zone or a special sword on Zelda or something.
Anyway, let's go back to Robin's call.
Thank you for the call, Robin.
Fingering.
Is fingering when you put your finger in the vagina, is that technically the definition?
Is that also third base?
Or is fingering just touching and feeling around on the vagina?
Huh.
You know, fingering is, I think fingering is the, yes, you got to go fingers in.
You know, you've got to be checking levels there.
You got to be mark Twaining for anybody that knows anything about sea depth or river depth.
You got to be, you know, you got to be really digiting, getting a little bit of a stenographer's practice, if you will.
Yeah, I think it's got to be fingers in.
And does it have to be one finger or two fingers?
I guess it just has to be one.
You know, two fingers is always crazy, too.
Like, I remember there were times, you know, personally, I'd put two fingers in a woman's vagina and be like, is this okay or am I being crazy?
Like, am I a crazy guy?
You know, but I do remember, Robin, that that was a thing for guys.
It was like, how many fingers, bro?
It was like if you touch, it wasn't enough then that you had touched a vagina, that you had put a finger into a local vagina.
It was that you then had to do more fingers.
It was, oh, well, what about, oh, she could take three fingers?
Like, it became this weird, you know, other thing, this bigger thing then.
It was just, it's like everything.
It's like once it happens, something happens.
More has to happen.
You know, you get, you need a bigger fix.
But I feel like, yeah, that's third base was fingering.
And then as you grow more adult, you realize that there's more action outs, there's, there's more action for the female outside of the vagina.
You know, inside, you're basically just looking for something that's outside.
You know, it's like whenever you bring your keys out to the car and you have them in there, but you don't realize you have them in there and you think you left them inside.
Then you go back inside looking for your keys.
It's just like that.
It's like you go back inside.
It's like you're inside a woman feeling around trying to get her that pleasure, but really the pleasure is already outside.
You passed the pleasure.
You had the pleasure.
You just didn't realize you had it.
So that's either a great analogy or a horrible analogy.
I can't even tell.
It's 1.30 in the morning.
But let's listen to the rest of Robbins question or call.
And is that considered Thursday?
So what's your opinion about it?
Love your show.
I don't think you need any guests.
I really like to listen to you ramble on whatever state you're in.
You are a great philosopher.
And, you know, dude, sometimes really funny people are just dark.
I hope she doesn't mean black.
She could be a Mike Epps fan.
I am a Mike Epps fan.
I will say that.
I appreciate the nice words, Robin.
You know, I don't know.
I mean, I appreciate you saying I'm really funny.
I appreciate all the nice things you said.
I appreciate your call.
It was a cool call.
Very real.
You know, you shared some real thoughts there.
Yeah, I don't know if comedians are just dark.
People ask me that a lot.
Are you just dark?
I don't know.
I don't know if comedians are that way.
But I do know that I have some type of affliction in me where I get depressed.
And I battle it much better these days.
You know, like this week, I did make some choices.
I went out.
I didn't want to go to yoga.
And I went.
And I didn't want to go to the gym.
And I went.
And it made me feel better.
Whereas there were times before, and I'd be like, I'm just going to lay down.
I'm just going to rest.
I'm just going to sleep it off.
And maybe I would take some naps, but I would just set my alarm and I'd get back up.
And I made some better choices.
And it was hard.
It was hard.
There were times where I did not want to make that choice.
But yeah, I think back to your question, Robin, or back to your inquiry, it's third base.
That's touch and crotch.
But the weird thing is for guys, it's just the third base only goes one way.
It's not like it doesn't matter what the girl does to you.
You know, the third base just only goes one way.
And I remember, and I'll tell you, the first time that I touched a gal's crotch, my buddy and I had a sleepover over here out in north, like Franklinton, Louisiana.
I mean, small town.
I don't even know where it was.
It's really just a bunch of people that are lost, and there's so many of them that they called it a town.
Like it's that rural.
And we were out there on a double date, and some gal had a trailer out there, and her mother, stepmother, I don't know if she had a mother or father, but she might have had a stepmother was out of town.
Somebody was out of town.
And we were over there, and everybody was touching crotch, you know.
And the girl I was with, though, was doing, she had her menstrual activities going on, so I couldn't be a part of it.
I could just be the outside, just around her legs and crotch, just touching that heat.
But even that was huge, just even feeling on that area of a body and realizing that there was no cock right there, you know?
Because I was just used to my own area, where if I put my hands between my legs, cock.
I find cock right there.
But if it's a girl, no cock.
And that alone was a big enough change.
I mean, I was just erect as a damn, I mean, just as a bird beak.
I was hard as a damn cement bird beak.
And that was exciting.
I remember that.
And then I remember we went to a dance.
I think I've told this story before, and this is a little profane, but I'm going to be real.
Robin called in and she was real.
And we'd had a school dance, and a buddy of mine had touched some crotch.
He'd finally, you know, gotten a third base.
You know, he was damn Ricky Henderson that night.
And he slid in a third base, and the gal left, and we were all fired up, you know, because one of us had finally gotten, you know, he was damn Neil Armstrong to us.
One of us had finally gotten to the moon, you know.
And so he's got his, you know, he's out there.
He's got his fingers out.
And my buddy's dad came out.
We're sitting around the fire.
And me, being an instigator, I told my buddy's dad what had happened.
You know, I just wanted everybody to be a part of what was going on.
And my buddy's dad started smelling my buddy's fingers.
We're in seventh or eighth grade, no older.
And my buddy's dad just started smelling my buddy's fingers over and over again.
And that was pretty baffling.
And he really kind of smelled them all up.
Like, I remember at a certain point later, we tried to smell them and there was no smell left on them.
And I know that's dirty and I know that's profane, but we are, you know, we're animals in a lot of ways.
We are fancy, fancy animals.
And I don't really believe that, I don't think, but I do believe that, you know, we have some of the same likenesses as animals.
And so that's why we want them to smell, you know, just one of the things.
You want to get that scent.
You want to know what's going on.
You're so curious.
You know, you're so curious.
But then later, I remember sleeping at my buddy's house and I looked out the window and his dad was out there still by that fire and his dad was masturbating out into that fire.
So that was pretty, that was pretty intense.
But onward, let's take another call here.
And we got another call.
This man calling in with some crotch from Texas.
Hey, Theo, it's Michael from Patterson, California.
If you don't know where that is, it's centrally located.
Okay, not Texas.
Onward.
In the state, but anyway, just calling in to tell you about my first time I touched a lady part.
I was 18. I guess that's a late bloomer, you could say.
I don't know if it's a late bloomer.
I don't know if it's a late bloomer.
It isn't.
It's when you bloom, brother.
I'm still late blooming on stuff.
I can barely use a calculator.
So onward.
Anyway, it was this girl I knew from high school.
She was a year younger than me.
And we went to a party one night, not together.
She was there.
And, well.
Dude, I miss high school parties, dude.
Dude, if I could go back to high school now and obviously not be an adult because I don't want to be some kind of pedophile, but be like a high school kid.
It was so easy to hook up with chicks.
You just had no idea.
That was a problem.
You had no idea.
You just couldn't see that the look in most girls' eyes were that they were curious.
We were just so scared as young boys, I felt like.
Anyway, onward.
Long story short, I left the party a little early.
Well, after dropping my buddy off, I was on my way back to my parents' house, almost there.
And I get a text message, and she says, why did you leave so early?
I was looking forward to hanging out with you.
Well, I don't really remember.
This was over 10 years ago, so I don't really remember what we said, but she wanted you to come back to the party.
Okay, onward?
Parked out by the road.
This was out in the country, out in the boonies.
And she met me out by the road.
And, well, one thing led to another.
I popped down the tailgate to my 94 Chevy Silverado.
Oh, God, this is beautiful, dude.
Onward.
Put her on the back and started making out.
And I went for it.
I can't get too fired up because they're only 18. You know, I guess they're legal.
I can listen.
Go on.
Without getting too graphic, I mean, I unbuttoned her pants, zipped them down, didn't take her pants all the way off.
Yeah, you don't take her pants all the way off if you're going to finger her, bro, because that's creepy as fuck, dude.
Okay?
You ever seen that boy when you were growing up?
They had always some creepy fucking pale-ass kid or some big black kid would have their pants all the way down to their to their feet and they're just peeing?
What the fuck?
Anyway, let's hear more.
But I put my hand down there and slipped a finger in her and the first thing.
Ooh, slipped a finger in her.
You heard him?
Ooh, ooh, woo, woo, woo.
Onward.
So the first time slipping a finger in a girl, first thing I thought was, god damn, this is the wettest thing.
I wasn't expecting it to be so wet.
I mean, it was like a slip and slide.
I couldn't believe how wet it was.
I mean, that was the only thing that was going through my mind the whole time.
Damn, bro.
Wow, you grew up in a, you must have grown up in a really dry county then.
Anyway, onward, dude, that humidity, bro.
Ah!
But anyway, so.
I'm going to say, it was damp, bro.
I remember being like, whoa, whoa.
This thing has had its thirst quenched.
I do remember that just being shocked.
Like, what is going on?
They're hiding water around here, you know?
Yeah, I do remember that, dude.
I do remember that.
And you still catch it occasionally with some older gals, but some of them now, it's like some of it's like kind of shuffling a little bit of a deck of cards here on the outside.
It can get a little, what do I want to say?
It can get a little velvety on the outside.
Anyway, onward.
I mean, do you, the first time you did it, were you surprised about how wet it was?
I mean, it was unbelievable.
It was unbelievable.
Damn, unbelievable.
You know what?
I think I was, man.
I think I was, you know.
I think I was just...
I've remembered as being so erect, I thought I was going to faint.
Like, so much blood.
So that's like an issue that I've had.
Kind of like one of those, you ever see those goats that faint when they get scared?
Kind of like that.
I feel like I'm kind of like that sometimes with sex onward.
But anyway, that ended up leading to my first blowjob.
Same gal, but that's a different story for another time.
But anyway, and one last thing, one thing I didn't like heading back home was, you know, they, you know, some people call it stink finger.
My fingers didn't really smell.
And I was kind of bummed out.
That was the only thing I was bummed out about.
They didn't smell.
And to be honest, I wanted to smell my fingers and go home and jerk off.
Damn, bro.
You know what?
I got to say this, man.
Thank you for calling.
You know, because you know what?
People could say, oh, that's gross.
That's nasty.
You could say anything you want about this fella's call right here.
But the truth is, is that this is what a lot of guys thought.
This are thoughts that a lot of guys have.
And Robin's call was unique because it was something that girls have.
It's that side of the story from them.
I don't get that side of the story.
I don't know.
Fascinated, fascinated by both of these calls.
Fascinated by the nostalgia of this second call.
And let me get his name again right here so I don't forget.
Hey, Theo, it's Michael from Patterson, California.
Michael.
Yeah, Michael.
Just fascinating because, yeah, I mean, you got a, I think that's called like a golden warlord or something if you don't get a cent on your finger from a woman or a woman that doesn't have a cent in her crotch.
It's called like a golden warlord or like a, I don't know what it's called.
Just like a damn, I mean, it's definitely, that's more bottled water than sometimes you get the gals a little tap.
You know, you get more tap water out of them.
But that's beautiful, man.
You know, it's a beautiful story.
And it just, I mean, I just love the fact that you pulled her pants down, dude.
That's fucking what?
Crazy, bro.
Love it.
Michael, you're my hero this week, dude.
You just reminded me of what, you know, of a time in my life, you know, of being just around that cooter and just being unaware of what another person's crotch was like, you know, and just having just uncertainty and just that magic that was out in the universe.
And that's one thing that happens as we get older.
Like, we forget that we get used to things, you know?
It's crazy.
When you think about how insane you were about touching a crotch of somebody else, and then how now that's not real, I mean, it's still an issue, but it's not as much as it used to be.
Baffling.
Baffling amount of difference.
Thank you so much for that call, man.
It's to take me down memory lane.
I can't even remember if you had a question for me.
I don't even know if that was in there.
I'll listen back later, if so, and get back to you.
But just fascinating, man.
Just fascinating to go back to those days and just that heat.
It was like just that body heat coming off just that area of a woman was just fascinating.
And I remember one time getting down there, and I couldn't tell what was going on.
I thought this one girl didn't even have a vagina.
I thought she just had a bunch of crazy, you know, skin activity.
God, I remember that.
Just like, what?
What is going on?
Where is this?
Very scary and very exciting.
Very fun being young, man.
Let's take one more call.
Man, we're going to switch gears here.
And this one is from Walnut Creek, California.
Let's go.
Hey, what's up, Dio?
My name's Miles.
And I was just kind of wondering on, like, how you stay sobered.
And man, actually, I know, like, I have some other calls I want to get to more, but I'll try to do some this week.
I had a call coming in about sobriety that I do want to answer.
But this is already going to be a long episode.
And so I just want to take a moment just to say thank you guys so much for being a part of the show, for calling in.
We'll feel whatever calls this week.
I might put into the Thursday episode some ideas for coming up for other calls we can get.
I already have people that have left some voicemails about the future and questions.
And eventually we'll get it to call in where people can call in and we can talk live.
Even though I don't even know if I could have dealt live today with these calls today about the crotches.
Very fascinating, man.
Very fascinating.
And I just want to thank you guys so much, man.
I love you, and I appreciate you.
And yeah.
And I just, man, I got some really nice calls and voicemails, and I really, really appreciate it.
And I'm going to get to some of these questions.
You know, this one kid called about some sobriety stuff, and I really want to get to it, and I will.
I will get to it.
So hold on, buddy.
You know, I promise that I'll get to it and get it out this week because I want to share with you whatever I can.
You know, fuck, do I need to get to it right now?
Let me get to it right now because I'm going to feel bad if I don't if I let this go.
Let's get it.
This is this call.
I mean, it's changing the scope.
You know, we've had like, you know, it's been, whatever.
Let's get to it.
Here we go.
This is from Walnut Creek, California.
Hey, what's up, Theo?
My name's Miles.
And I was just kind of wondering on like how you stay sober.
Because I've been taking some pills here and there.
And it's really fun, but I feel like it's sort of time to quit.
So I was just sort of wondering advice on how to deal, I guess, with being sober.
Because to be honest, it's really boring.
Oh, my God, it's been in whole days.
The day seems like two days in one now, now that I've been sober for a week.
That's funny, man.
He said being sober is boring.
I mean, it's sad.
That's sad and perfect in everything.
Because it is.
It is kind of boring, man.
It's boring until you're able to start dealing with some of your feelings and what's going on and whatever made you start to overtreat yourself with medication.
Then it gets interesting, dude.
It gets interesting, man, when feelings start coming back and you start having feelings, man.
Like when I'm talking about my mom earlier and I get like teared up, you know, like that's, that didn't used to happen to me, man.
You know, like, I wasn't able to access those feelings, dude.
When I, you know, when I see like, you know, one of my friends posted a picture of her and her baby.
She has a new baby.
And I remember like a couple years ago, like, telling her, like, I almost was going to, like, we were almost deciding that we were going to have a baby together, even though, like, we weren't in love or anything.
We just were maybe going to have a baby just because she's getting a little older and we've always been friends.
And we both wanted just, I thought she'd make a great mother because she's always been like a great friend.
And she has a baby now, dude.
And I looked at it, saw a picture of her, you know, her first Mother's Day or something today.
Shit teared me up, dude.
So you'll have real feelings, man.
That's one thing.
That can be exciting, bro.
I know it sounds crazy and probably gay ass, you know, but it's exciting, bro.
But what was your question?
How do I stay sober?
I was just wondering, like, you know, I guess how you deal with it.
And I don't know if you've ever, you know, taken pills or anything like that.
But, you know, yeah, I was just wondering your address.
I like the show, and I actually just got your album, so keep it up, man.
Wow, man, thank you for the support.
Let me catch your name again.
I'm sorry.
Hey, what's up, Theo?
My name's Miles.
Miles.
Thanks for the support, Miles.
I do appreciate it.
How do I stay sober, dude?
Well, I just decided that I'm not going to drink or use, you know?
And I didn't decide that I'm going to do it for the rest of my life because that's a huge undertaking.
And I can't do anything for the rest of my life.
I can't.
First of all, I don't know what the rest of my life is going to be.
But I know that I cannot drink or use for today.
I know that.
And look, a lot of you guys out there are like, well, dude, I drink, that's fine.
Look, I have no issue.
If you can drink and you can party and you can have a good time and you can live your life and your life's fun and comfortable, that's great.
You know, I might be able to do that one day.
I don't know.
But I do know that for right now, I'm not in that position.
So how do I stay sober, man?
I listen to people that are more sober than I am.
And I try and figure out what my feelings are, you know, because I didn't Want to have any feelings.
I'm sure that's why you take pills, dude.
Pills, bro.
I remember one time I took a pill, next thing I knew, it was Thursday, bro.
And I think when I started, it was Friday.
So it was like a long pill, dude.
Yeah, I remember one time some dude gave me some Somas.
This fellow that was homosexual, and he ended up dying.
He drove a, I think, a Chevy Cavalier into a semen embankment.
And he was a boxer.
He was a homosexual prize fighter.
But he might have even tried to blow me one time when I was on Somas.
I don't even remember.
So are pills fun?
I don't know.
I mean, it was definitely fun not having any feelings and like just spitting up on my shirt all night.
It was kind of cool.
It was like being in the hospital, but I was just in the back of a Chevrolet Blazer.
But overall, long term, is it fun?
You know, I just don't think it's good.
Because I just would love for you to take a chance and see what you're really like if you don't use.
If you don't use pills, you know, just take a chance.
Look, dude, if you don't like who you are when you don't use pills, go back.
Go back to them, bro.
But at least give yourself a shot to see who you are.
You're out here.
You know, if you got issues, man, look, clean them up.
You'll be able to clean them up when you're sober, I promise you.
It's going to take some time.
It's going to be a pain in the ass.
You have to sit and think and write and listen to other people.
Probably have to cry and listen to some fucking dudes talk in group settings and stuff where you're like, dude, shut the fuck up.
But you'll get better.
It gets better.
I promise you that.
And it's fascinating.
And it's the ballsiest thing you could do.
You want to take a pill?
Take a pill of fucking sobriety, bro.
Take a pill of, you know what?
Whatever life throws at me today, I'm going to look it in the fucking face.
You know?
Take that pill.
That's a pill, bro.
You want a pill?
You want to ride?
You want to ride?
Try feeling everything.
Try having conversations with people when shit's uncomfortable and you can't resort to anything else.
And you have to just tell them how you really feel.
Try that.
That's a pill, bro.
That's a pill, man.
But I'm here for you, Miles.
If you need me, you can leave another voicemail, a private one on here that I won't use on the episode.
But I don't know how I stay sober, man.
I invite a higher power into my life, even though I struggle with that every day.
And I don't try to stay sober forever.
I'm just trying to stay sober for tomorrow.
But it's amazing.
I started this podcast in sobriety.
Dude, if I was still partying, I don't think I would have been able to do it.
I don't know, but I don't think so.
And I also don't want to pigeonhole myself.
And I don't want to tell you that you need it forever.
I don't want to tell you any of those things.
I don't want to tell you that AA is a be-all, cure-all, end-all.
Because if I'm not sober forever, then people are going to be like, well, it didn't work for him.
I don't want to tell you any of that, man.
I just want to tell you that I think it's worth a try.
And I think it's worth the same amount of effort you put into getting pills or using pills.
Just at least give it that same amount of effort.
See how it works.
It might work well.
But I love you, Miles, man.
And, you know, it sounds like you want to at least try to get, I don't know, better, but you want to try to get different.
So just try to get different, man.
See how different works.
Thank you for calling, bro.
I really do appreciate it.
And happy Mother's Day to all the mothers, man.
I'm going to take us out of here, man.
It's getting late.
God, it's so late.
This is going to be up late, guys.
It's going to be up late because it's already 2 a.m.
here.
It's 5 a.m.
East Coast.
It's not going to be there for people on their drive to work.
So I'm sorry about that.
It's just, it's going to take a couple hours to edit.
All right, man.
But I'm going to take you out here, man.
It's been a beautiful time, chatting.
I hope so.
Thank you to our callers.
Hit the hotline.
You know what it is.
Check out my tour dates at theovon.com slash tour.
And just tell somebody you love them today.
Call your mother again today and tell her that you love her.
How about that, huh?
How about just calling your mother again today and just letting her know you love her?
Just let her, you know, hey, mom, you know, I love you just as much today.
I just want to let you know that.
You know, I know Mother's Day was yesterday, but there's going to come a day when I might not be able to tell you how much I love you.
So today's not that day, and today I'm going to let you know how much I care.
You know?
Man, we get so caught up, dude.
Man, we get so caught up talking to other people.
You know, it's hard.
It's hard to listen to our mothers, but I don't know, man.
I don't know.
And maybe some of you guys don't have the best relationship with your mother, and I'm not trying to make you feel bad or, you know.
But I don't either.
You know, sometimes it's hard when my mother says stuff.
I don't feel it.
But we ought to keep trying, man.
You know, we keep trying.
So that's all we can do.
Just keep trying, man.
And love yourself today.
You know?
And if you don't have a mother, bro, I'll put on a wig and I'll hug you, dude.
How about that, dude?
We just got to keep it all about, you know, first base only, and that's only on the cheek, you know?
That's my motherhood for you.
But thank you guys for listening to this past week, and I'll see you guys next time.
Be good to yourselves, man.
You probably deserve it.
You probably deserve it.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Suiar.
Easy deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
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