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April 17, 2017 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
51:44
4-17-17 This Past Weekend #18

Talking Happy Easter. Family fun. Drug running. Takes Calls. Background sounds by local g pig.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Time Text
What's up, you little Christmas criminals, bruh?
Huh?
You little pancake Neanderthals?
You guys ready, bruh?
Are you ready, man?
Jesus back.
You feel him?
JC in the building.
Hallelujah.
Man, look at that hair coming in hot today, boy.
Damn, I'm feeling a warm front on my scalp, daddy.
I got that freaking cake goslin bangs with that caramel apple back slap on the neck.
I'm feeling fired up, man.
Happy Easter to everybody.
You guys ready?
I'm ready.
Welcome to this past weekend.
this past weekend.
In a word and embraced by the state of a song to write us on the wall.
Born and embraced.
Came upon a story an old-time magazine.
Came upon a story in an old-time magazine that is born and graced, man.
That is born and graced.
And that is music.
And that is, that's two things that I feel like I am, dude.
You know, you don't have to be religious to have faith, I don't think.
And I don't think you have to be religious to feel born.
Because, I mean, you're obviously born, dude.
Prove you weren't born.
Okay?
Show me pictures of, let's say, your baby crib with nobody in it.
Doubtful.
And also graced, man.
If I look around in my life enough, man, I feel that I've been graced.
I feel that I've been graced, man.
I mean, I know I've made a lot of poor choices that haven't ruined me, that I've been able to bounce back from.
I've had a lot of experiences that weren't good, that I've been able to bounce back from.
I've been forgiven by people for wrongs that I've started, that I've created, that I've done.
And I feel graced, man.
I'm offered grace daily.
Daily, I'm offered grace.
I'm graced with the ability to be out here on Earth, dude.
Think about that.
Okay?
Try existing on another planet.
Okay?
People are always saying, well, life isn't a miracle and it's science.
Bitch.
Okay?
Mars, dude.
We can't find a motherfucker on Mars.
They're always out there taking footprints from 70 miles away and telling us it's something.
Dude, you can eat a can of fucking Russian piss with all that.
I don't believe that, dude.
You know, until they find a young buck or somebody out there doing sex on another planet.
Man, I'm just saying, we're graced, bro.
We're graced with the opportunity to be here on Earth.
And that's what I'm feeling, man.
Happy Easter.
Happy Easter to you guys.
It is, let me see the date here.
It's Monday now, April 17th.
And it is 2017 is the year.
And we're still here.
We're still here.
You know, there's been a lot of things that they say could get rid of us.
I think people were a little worried.
North Korea could be one of them, but them dudes can't get it up.
Okay?
Huh?
Them North Koreans can't get it up.
They can't get erect.
They just basically doing a little bit of light Easter fireworks.
You know, when y'all shouting out at the mouth, but y'all can't pop off.
You know?
And I've had experience with that.
You know, definitely some times in my life where I couldn't get physically erect, you know, erectile in the, you know, in the dick and the lower penis.
And one time I remember feeling very embarrassed with this young gal, I don't remember her name, kind of taller, big shoulders, had kind of the shoulders of a man, really, and the rest of a, more of a woman's body elsewhere.
And I was really struggling with some erection.
And she's like, well, I have a friend that can definitely get you erect.
And I was, you know, weary about it because I'm already 0 for 1 sitting there with this, you know, a little bit of a blondzilla, you know, a little bit of a, you know, a little bit of a blonde squatch.
You know, she was definitely, she could play tight end for maybe a 10 and 11 year old boys team.
And she, but she was of age, you know, she was over 18, but I'm just saying with her, you know, size and kind of, you know, upper, she had a lot of might, a lot of might, upper might around the collarbone.
And she could have really set it off, I think, there in a, for a, for a boys team around the 10, 11-year-old age range.
But anyhow, so she phoned a friend, dude.
You know, she got all game show on me.
She phoned a friend, this red-headed gal who was kind of tatted up.
And she came over, and both of them tried to really get me erect for a while, and that didn't pan out.
So that was just double the disappointment, some shame really I felt.
And, you know, I mean, I didn't want to let the second girl down.
That was really, I felt like she was letting the second girl down via my erection or lack of.
But that was kind of a trying time.
But anyway, man, happy Easter, dude.
I'm coming to you guys from Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
I hope that you guys had some opportunity to spend time with family or friends.
If this audio isn't really solid, well, guess what, dude?
You can eat a fucking small bag of cat cocks because I'm doing the best I can.
I literally have my microphone set up on a cookie tray and I'm doing the best I can here From my brother's home in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
I am, we'll get into some personal stuff here.
I'm going to come in at nine months sober when you hear this.
And I know some of you guys party and do acid and doing types, I know some kids are doing butt acid now, where they're doing LSD in their suppository type of deal.
What else?
Boofing.
That's blowing cocaine into your butt.
And you can watch that on YouTube if you want to see some of that, what the kids are doing.
I know that some people are doing other types of things, blindfolding themselves and getting high and jogging and shit like that.
But I'm not doing that right now.
I'm just, you know, I decided I'm going to stay drug-free for a while.
So that's where I'm at in my life.
I don't judge anybody that can still party at this moment.
Hell, I've done some poor.
I'm in Baton Rouge right now.
First time I ever tried some cocaine was over here in beautiful Baton Rouge, Louisiana, I think.
And I went for a run.
I thought it was a, you know, a performance enhancer.
I'd heard that.
And I guess at the time I was training for a half marathon.
And so I caught me a couple of grams of, you know, that white donkey dust, you know, a little bit of brain kick.
And I went for the longest run I've ever ran.
I ran for 11 miles because I never ended up doing the half marathon because I got into cocaine.
Nothing will keep you out of a marathon like a little bit of, you know, that white, you know, a little bit of Saturn sugar, you know.
So I remember just running along the railroad tracks and I would stop and do a couple bumps.
And, you know, I did a couple grams and ran 11 miles.
And then I jumped in over a fence into some people's backyard and they were doing marshmallows.
It was kind of a, I don't know if it was a, it was maybe a family event, but they were older.
This was the older people were still awake drinking beer and doing marshmallows on a fire.
And I hung out with them.
I didn't have a shirt on.
I was sweating from the run and from the drugs.
And I sat there and ate a good deal of marshmallows, Highland cocaine, and spent some time with them.
And they were LSU Tigers fans, LSU Tigers, and so was I. So we had some common ground there.
But anyhow, I've had some experiences here in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
I'm down here spending time.
My family is here.
I've been in Louisiana all weekend.
I flew into New Orleans.
A friend of mine was disc jockeying, playing sounds, hitting, you know, doing the hits at a bar where the people didn't give a fuck.
I'll say that.
My friend is a good DJ, but the people didn't care.
And that was interesting to watch.
You know, a man really putting his all into the wheels up there and seeing people not really wanting to back that ass up.
You know, so I was trying to be supportive of him.
And I feel like I was.
I had some good times with my friends.
Then I went to my family's house.
We did a crawfish.
I had two crawfish boils this weekend.
If you're not familiar with crawfish boiling, it is crawfish are basically, they're like the Stephen Avery of shrimp.
You know, they real gutter.
They seem like they, you know, kind of got their GED.
You know, they kind of dirt.
A lot of them carry a little extra dirt around the neck.
You know, they're kind of the Scottish of sea life.
They're basically the Scottish of sea life.
And they are a little bit nasty, but you boil them up, you put some good seasoning on them, and man, it's a real treat.
And people get together, and it's more about the conversation you have while you're eating them.
You know, people sit there and you're making sounds around each other, and your eyes are really, you catch a strong hit of a, you know, a peppercorn to the back of the throat, and that'll light your eyes up.
And so we did some of that, man.
And just, you know, seeing each other be in pain and share their feelings at the same time, that's really what it's about.
And that's what brings people together.
So I enjoyed that, man.
Spent some time with my family.
My brother has a really nice family here in Baton Rouge, dude.
And that's, to me, has been really inspiring in my life.
I didn't grow up with a family connection.
We grew up together.
You know, we had four children total and my mother.
My mother worked a lot.
You know, she delivered newspapers and baked goods regionally, newspapers locally and VGs regionally.
You know, dropping cookies and things like that out in the area, you know, out to people in different close states and that.
But so us kids were around each other, but we didn't have a lot of connection.
And I didn't really have a sense of a family.
I didn't think a family meant anything, you know.
But that whole perception has changed a lot as my brother, you know, has three children now.
And watching him create a family, you know, has really kind of inspired me to maybe one day be able to do it.
I have a lot of fear surrounding that.
It just feels like a ton of responsibility already, even though I'm not even near there.
But it just makes me a little nervous, man.
Just to know if I can, you know, show up every day for my family.
You got to wake up, not just for yourself.
And I can be, I have been in most of my life, I've been just selfish.
You know, I think about myself, I thought about myself mostly.
Most of my life, I've spent thinking about me.
And I think a lot of that reason is when I think back on my life, I've been selfish because I was scared, man.
To be honest with you, I was scared that nobody else was thinking about me.
So one of the reasons I really believe that I did think about only me was because in my heart, I've just, I thought if I wasn't thinking about me, that nobody was.
You know, and it's, it is, you know, thinking and realizing that now, and I'm not in that place now, I don't feel like, you know, I've been, you know, trying to, you know, get help and get past some of those childhood ideas and thought processes so I can grow up.
But that's a tough one to realize, you know, when I start to really realize that, you know, I was just, I was selfish out of the fear that if I wasn't thinking about me, that nobody was.
It's kind of sad.
You know, it's kind of sad to think that I went through a lot of my childhood that way and my young adulthood that way.
But I'm happy to feel that I'm not in that place anymore.
And I'm happy to share that, you know, to share just some of those thoughts now and let you guys know what I went through, man.
But my brother has three beautiful children.
One of them just learning to walk.
And this little baby is, she's a tall baby.
I don't know how old that is.
You know, I haven't spent a lot of time around babies because I'm not a pervert or a, you know, I'm not a pediophile.
I babysat overnight.
I have two nieces that are older, nine and seven, and I babysat them overnight multiple times, zero instances, or desires.
But this baby is a tall baby.
I can't even, maybe two and a half feet tall.
I don't know how tall that is, really.
But anyway, and she's just learning to walk, and she got big legs on her.
She got real hardy in the ass and in the glutes and front leg ass, whatever that area is, that's kind of the top of your legs, but not your ass yet.
Basically, your leg ass.
But watching her walk, it's kind of like a, I don't know if you've ever seen a, I don't know if you've ever seen a big girl eat a snow cone in the rain, but that's kind of sexy.
No, I don't know if you've ever seen a kind of a, you know, a hardier girl, you know, maybe, yeah, I don't know if you've ever seen kind of a thicker girl get off of a tilt-to-whirl or a Gravitron at the fair.
And these are some rides that I referenced last week, but I don't know if you've ever seen a big girl get off of a fair, a dizzy whirler or one of those tilt-to-whirl rides and, you know, not have her senses about her and kind of wobble and, you know, kind of lean with it, rock with it on accident.
But that's what it's like watching this baby learn to walk.
It's like a big girl that just got off of a tilt-a-whirl.
And it's funny.
It's cute.
And it's funny.
It's funny to watch.
And it's interesting, too, when a baby's learning to walk or when they take their first steps, everybody cares.
Everybody's like, oh, you know, she's walking.
She's walking.
This bitch is out trotting.
This bitch is trotting.
But it's crazy that the rest of your life you walk and nobody gives a fuck, dude.
You know?
Like, nobody, it's not like my mom texts me again 15 or 30 years later and is like, are you still walking?
How's it going?
You know, or your grandmother calls like, I, you know, good to see you.
I was there for your first couple ones.
Are you still using your legs?
Nobody gives a fuck the more you walk.
But it's just interesting how everybody gives a fuck when you first start walking.
But the more you walk, people give less fucks for your ability to do legwork.
Anyhow, man, it's been a joy to be around my family and to be inspired by my own brother to be able to create a family of my own one day.
I have a lot of apprehensions surrounding that.
But I'm hopeful.
I'm hopeful to be able to continually surprise myself with who I can be.
And that's one thing that I think is neat about Easter, man.
It's about a rebirth, dude.
You know, Jesus struck back, bruh.
You know, whether you think he was a savior, whether you think he was just a early hippie, or whether you think he was just a straight-up magician.
I mean, he could have been a David Blaine, bruh, you know.
But either way, the dude inspired people.
And either way, he struck back.
A lot of people thought he ghosted, and then he literally ghosted him, bro.
Showed back up, you know.
And I like ghosts, dude.
And matter of fact, I love ghosts, bro.
I love ghosts.
I've always loved ghosts.
And I mean, they busted a man in our town trying to be a ghost.
I've told you guys about that before.
They busted a man running a motel hotel, and he was trying to be a ghost.
And they busted him.
And I was infatuated with ghosts since I was a child.
Love ghosts.
Always love ghosts.
I love ghosts pretty much.
And that's like Jesus struck back, man.
And that's what a lot of stories in life are about.
Are about everybody thinking you're down and out.
And then you roll a rock.
You roll away to rock in front of the cave like Jaycee hit them and you pop back out.
And I hope that I continue in my life to be kind of reborn into new ideas.
Things that I'm afraid of at one point that I'm amazed at how I get reborn into a new mindset that I'm not afraid anymore.
And that's one cool thing about getting older.
I know some of you guys have dropped some calls onto the hotline about, you know, being scared and being in your early 20s and not knowing direction and stuff like that.
Bro, just find a little bit of faith.
It doesn't have to be in a specific religion, but it can be in a higher power, of any higher power you create.
And Just have some faith that things will be revealed to you.
You know, a new mindset can be revealed to you, and you can strike back, dude.
You know, you can Jesus a little, bruh.
You know what I'm saying?
Lean with it, rock with it, bruh.
You know, sometimes you don't got your legs, but then that, you know, that tilt-to-whirl, you know, that tilt-to-wear fever, that tilt-to-whirl fever wears off of a big girl, and she out trotting now.
You know, now she's out with her girls, you know, and they out there trotting and drinking liquor.
So I'm just happy to continually be amazed and have new, new, new ideas reborn into my mind, man.
And happy Easter on that note, dude, to everybody.
You know, I watched some kids look for eggs and do all of that, and they were fighting over the eggs, and, you know, some people got very totalitarian.
I was at an Easter egg hunt on Saturday, and this was interesting.
We hit all the eggs for the kids, for the children.
And then we go back out there a little while later.
One of the neighbors, I guess, who was probably an alcoholic, had come over, opened up half the eggs in the yard, dude, eaten some candies, leave wrappers about, and just jetted, bruh.
just germinessem.
Who wanders into a children's Easter egg hunt, liquored up, snacks out on half them huevos, and jets, bruh?
Knowing that this shit is for children?
Dude, man.
You know, if I got one request for the Jesus Christ hotline, it is to fire some lightning at that little devil, okay?
Because that's no way to behave, dude.
I mean, I've made some poor choices, but that is just straight up gutter.
Eating just out the air.
It's just, that's dark.
That's the dark arts.
Let's crack into some news, man.
Did you know that Emma Morano has left the earth?
She was alive for 117 years old.
She was the last human that was born in the 1800s that was still alive, and she's gone.
She just passed away, I believe this past weekend, and she accredits her longevity on this planet to raw eggs and cookies and to getting out of an abusive marriage.
And that's, you know, we can all be in some abusive relationships, you know.
I mean, I've been probably in emotional, I've been emotionally abusive relationships that I've been in, you know, and I feel lucky that some of them gals ain't in the relationship with me anymore.
So that's, you know, I can associate with that.
But that's what she accredits her 117 years to.
So if you're cooking your eggs, dude, you might want to change that up.
If you vegan and or if you're non-cookitarian, you might want to cookie up.
And if you're in an abusive relationship, dude, you might want to take those boxing gloves off and step outside of it, bro.
You could live to 117.
I don't know if I want to live that old, bruh.
You know, at that point, because here's the thing.
Even your own kids have probably died.
So you're sitting there talking to people who you fucking don't, there's no way you could know any of them or what they're talking about.
I mean, every moment of your life must feel like you're at the DMV.
You know, you're just kind of waiting for shit and you don't really know who else is fucking around and you're a hundred and something years old.
But kudos to her, man.
Emma Murano, an Italian lady, 117 years old.
I'm going to drop some dates on you guys.
I'm going to get into a few calls.
I'm not making this a long cast tonight because it's Easter and I want to get some rest and I got to fly back to Los Angeles in the morning.
I'm going to let you guys know I'll be at the punchline in Sacramento this weekend.
That's April 21st through 23rd.
I will be in Tampa.
That's May 25th through 28th at Side Splitters.
I'll be in Pittsburgh at the Pittsburgh Improv June 1st through June 4th.
I will be at Gotham Comedy Club in New York City June 23rd through 24th.
And then we got a new show that we're announcing where tickets will go on sale, I believe, next week or in a week.
And that's going to be in a small town of Wyoming, Illinois.
And that's going to be July 30th.
Actually, no, that's going to be June 30th.
I'm sorry, June 30th.
That's going to be a fundraiser that we're doing in that town.
So I'm excited.
But that's what's going on, man.
And I'm happy you guys are here with me.
I hope your Easter was great.
And we're going to get into a couple of calls so I can go to bed, honestly, man.
All right, man.
I'm tired as a damn Amish birth canal, guys.
So let's crack into these questions.
Here we go.
This is from Montana, America.
fellow right here.
"Hey yo, this is Brandon from Billings, Montana.
I am calling because I wanted to get some advice." Billings, Montana.
I actually semi-witnessed a man jump out of a window, die to his death.
He landed on a Starbucks, actually, in Billings.
And you know what?
I think the Starbucks even stayed open.
But anyway, thank you for calling, Brandon.
onward?
How to get my wife to start giving me some more head.
I mean, I do things in return from her or return to her.
I go down on her.
I even eat that little apple.
Okay, wow, buddy.
If you're eating that little beehole, man, if you're snacking on that balloon knot back there, I think you got to use a washcloth first.
I'm just going to throw that out there.
You want some more head from the lady.
All right, onwards.
I did a little half-assed blowjob.
She complains about her job.
You know, those kind of things.
Give me some advice.
Love to come back.
All right, man.
All right.
Appreciate you calling.
Blowjob ailment.
You got issues here.
well, first, you know, this reminds me, actually, I met a gal one time at a casino, and we kept in touch, and then she came to visit.
And before she came in town, she'd had some type of surgery and she'd broken her jaw right before she came to visit me.
And she couldn't open her mouth all the way.
So if we tried to do some moral sex, I kind of had to really kind of feed my penis in there a little bit and go from there.
So I guess I have had some experience.
You know, I can share that, that I've had some experience with some issues there.
Kind of had to baby bird it in there a little bit.
And this gal's mouth, this Canadian gal.
And that was really pretty wild.
She also had some, she had fake hair that was kind of cheaply made, could have been made in China, and it kind of fell out around the house a bit, and that was alarming.
But if you got an issue with the wife not doing it, man, first of all, in some places, it's not even allowed.
So you can find some gratitude there that even bad blowjobs are allowed, apparently where you live.
So that's good.
You could leave, maybe leave some things around the house.
You could hide a couple cucumbers around the house or maybe get a sign, you know, says blowjobs are welcome.
Or you really want to do something, dude, be brave.
Why don't you get her maybe a strap on or external penis attachment, you know, and you give her one, you know, fire up on a little piece of rubber candy coming off of a belt that's around her waist and maybe show her exactly what you want.
Because if you're doing down there, if you're down there really doing some carnal work, then it does seem like you might, you'd probably, you don't deserve it, but it seemed like you want to be rewarded.
So maybe that's something you could do, man.
You know, I think a blowjob is nicer as you get older because it just kind of, it's a different type of touch, you know, and it's, it's exciting to a man to see that and to be a part of it.
You know, part of the blowjob is just seeing it occur.
And that's really maybe what you're wanting to see.
But I commend you for sticking it out with your wife and, you know, wanting to figure it out and not resorting to getting external blowjobs or, you know, or jerking off into fake mouths.
You can buy a lot of these fake mouths on the internet.
And I don't recommend that.
I like the way you're keeping it there within the family unit.
I mean, if you're, you know, I'm talking about family this evening and blowjob being to get you a family, that's for sure.
You know, you're going to have to go guts on that.
You're going to have to get up in the guts if you want to family up.
But if you're just looking to get a little more ahead, I would suggest, you know, leaving some longevity type vegetables, cucumbers, you know, some eggplants.
You know, that's the new emoji there.
So maybe hide an eggplant in the bed and see how that, you know, what that starts as.
You know, get a sign, maybe.
Maybe graffiti your house, dude.
Hire a couple of, you know, dark artists to maybe, you know, maybe write they ain't sucking dick around here or something on your garage one morning.
You know, maybe just even start the conversation.
You can start it externally by having some local ne'er-do-wells help out.
Now, Montana, you want to keep her hydrated because that also is a kind of country where you can get dehydrated pretty quickly.
But once you call us back maybe in a couple weeks and see, you know, let us know how that's going and if any of these suggestions are helping out.
But you want to create the conversation.
You know, you want to make it a comfortable conversation that you guys can have together.
And just let her know you enjoy it.
You know, let her know you enjoy it.
I would maybe send her a card that says, thank you for the blowjobs you give.
And maybe that'll just inspire her to want to do more.
Get her one of those blowjob classes.
There's probably videos on the internet, YouTube links you could send her, but sending a lady a link is pretty, it's not very classy.
I'd get her an actual instructional course.
You know, they got some ladies that do lectures and stuff, and even gay men, you know, that do lectures.
You know, or maybe introduce her to some gay men.
I mean, they do blow jobs, and maybe they could help inspire her.
So I'm going to say good luck with that right there.
Moving on.
What's up, Theo, man?
My name's John.
Big fan of the podcast, dude.
Thank you, John.
Thank you for listening, man.
I do appreciate it.
Continue.
And I had a question for you.
You've mentioned, I think, in your act and in several of your podcasts, that your brother tried to, you know, have sex with you when you're a kid.
Yes, I'm going to say yes to that.
My brother, you know, developed this heavy desire to do sex with me when we were children.
It was kind of, you know, he realized I kind of had a hole in my butt and he was really, he got early on set erections.
I've discussed that before onward.
You also mentioned, I think, a couple months ago in your podcast that you were out visiting him and his family.
I am.
I'm actually at their home now.
I'm actually recording this at midnight right under he and his wife's room.
So I guess that is, this is interesting.
Let's hear more.
I'm just thinking, is that something that is addressed?
Do you guys ever talk about that?
What does his wife think about that?
I just find it pretty strange that he tried to do that to you as a kid, and it seems like that would create issue for later on in life.
But it seems that you guys are pretty close, so I'm just wondering how you guys go about that.
Well, I'll stop it there and just say that.
I mean, I think we had tougher things to deal with.
You know, there was, you know, we were, it was a tough neighborhood.
And in hindsight, it was one of the few things that kind of brought us together as children.
It's sadly, it's one of the few memories we have as young children where we spent time together.
Me really hiding my butt from him.
You know, and it is very strange.
I agree.
Do we discuss it now?
Here, you're almost done.
Let me finish up this question.
All right, man.
Keep up the good work.
Love the podcast.
I'm going to come see you out in Sacramento.
Oh, good.
April 23rd, I believe.
Looking forward to it.
Yes, you are, man.
That's this weekend.
I'm excited about that.
Do we address it?
We have.
We've discussed it.
You know, there's been forgiveness offered and forgiveness accepted on both sides.
You know, I didn't.
And also just an understanding that we were children.
You know, I have some nephews from a different family, you know, from kind of a surrogate family.
And I walked in on two of those young fellas nude in the bed one time, you know, just laying on top of each other's bodies, you know.
And they weren't gay children.
They were just, you know, young children.
And they had a lot of feelings in their skin at the moment, you know, and their bodies just feel fancy to each other when you're young and you don't know anything, you know.
We had a boy in our town used to kind of put his dick in the ground.
And that was bizarre, you know, and you'd see him a lot outside, always just laying on the ground.
And you knew what he was doing.
You know, he was doing, just doing, kind of dicking down in the earth a little.
And that was just him being young.
And so my brother and I have discussed that.
It is funny.
Sometimes I'll see, you know, his kids kind of fighting or slapping each other on the butt.
And I'll kind of nudge him a little.
And that'll take us back to those times.
A lot of that was because we shared bath time together.
You know, a lot of families will do group baths when you're young with the children.
And my brother was just weird, man.
He got early on set erections and it's hard to, I can't penalize him for that.
And I really can't penalize myself for being kind of a hot piece of ass when I really, you know, if I want to think about it like that.
I mean, I had another time where one of my good friends and I were under a blanket, kind of feeling each other's rib cages and feeling erotic.
You know, and now that's weird when I see him because he doesn't wish to discuss it.
And he doesn't want to admit that, you know, we were both sitting under these blankets being erect and just kind of feeling each other's ribs kind of like a, you know, like a blind man at an instrument.
But that occurred.
And some of that's just childhood stuff.
Does his wife know about it?
That's a good question.
She's heard some of my comedy where I do talk about it.
I don't know if she's heard that bit yet or not.
And if he comes to me and says that she wants to discuss it with me, I am open to discuss it.
It's not some stuff sometimes that I want to relive because I just realize that we can't go back in time and undo some of that young attraction.
And in a way, I kind of, you know, I'm not grateful for it because it was hectic, dude.
You know, knowing that, you know, it was just, it was like a game of freeze tag that was going to cost you really some, you know, whatever joy you currently kind of held in your ass as a child, you know, or comfort, whatever, you know, I was worried it was going to cost me some comfort because my brother really, he came at me with that, with that erection.
And it was, it just was what it was, man.
We've kind of moved past it.
I appreciate you asking about it because, you know, I do think it is interesting.
And I think a lot of children, a lot of people now, when they were children, had some things like that occur.
You know, one of my sisters used to kind of do little strip teases and we were waiting in the car.
When my dad would go inside, usually he would go get us a sack of pies, a sack of sliced pie slices from the Burger King.
And one of my sisters would kind of do some light erotic dancing sometimes in the back of his car.
And that shit was, you know, I don't know what the hell it was, but in hindsight, it was kind of weird and alarming, I guess.
But at the time, it was just children.
And, you know, it was, I just look at it as something that kind of, you know, we did and we were kids and we didn't know.
If he tried it now, that'd be very much, it'd be a bigger discussion, you know?
And I don't think we'll resort to that unless, you know, the damn world's about to end or unless, you know, he's married now and we don't have really a lot of those feelings for each other, you know, anything like that.
You know, our feelings now are just platonic, familial.
And I'm grateful that we went through that in a way so that if he sees that with his kids, he kind of knows how to navigate it.
So we kind of took that bullet for our family, I think.
But I appreciate you asking about it, man.
We got one more question here.
Hey, what's up, Theo?
My name is Zane.
I live not too far from you.
I live up here in Ontario, California.
Ontario, California.
They have a comedy club out there, Ontario Improv, where I don't perform at much, Zane, but maybe in the future.
Thanks for calling, bud onward.
And I just got done listening to this latest episode.
You said you were going to take some calls on family life.
Yes, sir.
Me and my lady who've been together for 11 years.
She's going to be two this May.
Okay, you might not have been able to heard that there.
It cut out.
He has a child now that's going to be two this May.
He and his wife who have been together for 11 years.
Onward, Zane.
I mean, I just want to tell you, man, having a child and working for a family, I mean, kids aren't easy, but they're not as hard as everybody makes it seem.
And, you know, I work hard.
You know, I've worked harder now since she's been born than I've ever worked.
But, you know, it's all worth it.
And, you know, you seem like a good dude.
And I wish you nothing but the best.
I hope you find what you're looking for.
And if you're thinking of starting a family, I think you'd be great at it.
You know, all they need is a little bit of love and some diapers and food.
You know what I mean?
And take care and good luck, man.
Later.
Man, thank you for that call, dude.
And I know that wasn't a question that he was asking, really.
It was just a statement.
But I wanted to share that because I thought that was just a nice call.
It was a call of encouragement.
And I need those.
I'm not saying call and encourage me or, you know, but I do get some calls that are just supportive.
And I want to say I appreciate that, man.
And this call kind of touched me a little bit because you can just hear in his voice, you know, that he cares, you know, that he, that he, you could hear some pride when he talks about showing up.
He's got a two-year-old little girl.
I mean, that's beautiful.
You know, I don't know if you've ever, you know, just spent time around a two-year-old little girl, but I mean, it's about the sweetest thing when they're behaving, about the sweetest thing you can imagine.
And just to hear this man, I'm married for 11 years, and he's got a two-year-old girl, and it inspires him to work hard and to keep going.
And that's cool, man.
It's cool to hear.
I think partially because, you know, I didn't, I don't know how my dad felt about me.
You know, my dad was 70 when I was born, and he was 86 when he died.
And I never, you know, we just never got to have those conversations.
By the time I was old enough to ask him what it was like to be a dad or some of the joys that he had when he was around me as a child, he was gone.
So it's just nice to hear just a man excited about his family.
You know, we see all this stuff about how families don't work and how marriages don't work.
But what we don't hear about sometimes is just we don't hear a man say that he enjoys it and that it's hard work, but that it brings him some of the greatest joys of his life.
And I think about it, you know, and I think about starting a family now.
I never thought about it before, dude.
And that's been one of the gifts of me over the past nine months of not drinking and partying for me has been having time to reflect and having time to listen to other people and really hear other people and hear some of the joy and hear some of the trouble that they go through and to kind of learn from it or see how some of those experiences would feel in my own life.
And starting a family is something that I've thought a lot about.
You know, it's scary to me.
It's scary to me to not think about myself sometimes.
You know, to think about that, to imagine that the part of my life where just me and my joy is over, you know, and that it's selfish to think that I don't want to provide or create a world for someone else because I'm not done creating my own world.
And that's okay, but at some point I have to start to let that teeter-totter start to tip, you know, if I want to have a family.
And this year I've started to feel like I would like to, you know, and it's scary.
It's scary to think about what kind of dad I would be.
You know, after, would I be able to even be married for 11 years?
Dude, that sounds, I mean, I haven't been in a relationship in 10 years, you know, because of commitment issues that I have and stuff.
And so just to hear, you know, that there's somebody out there that's doing it and that is, you can hear the joy in his voice, it's inspiring to me, man, you know, because I think families are important.
You know, if I could go back in time and have anything, and my life's been filled with a lot of unique experiences, man.
I've been really, really blessed.
I've been really graced.
I've had a lot of grace in my life.
But if I could have almost anything when I really think about it, it would be to go back and have just a childhood where I felt loved, you know, because I didn't have that.
I had a lot of supplementary love that came from families that took me in.
And I love my mother and I love my father.
And I think they both did what they could for sure.
And no one will ever replace my mother or father, you know.
But for some reason as a child, I just did not feel loved.
And it's just really nice to hear somebody, you know, that's doing that for their child and to know that that child has a chance to grow up in that environment.
So I guess I just wanted to kind of play that and share that and just let that thought be out there.
And to inspire anybody else that's thinking about it, you know, if you're struggling or if you feel like somebody else needs inspiration in that realm, fucking share it with them, man.
You know, don't be afraid to drop your joy on other people.
A lot of my life, for some reason, I've even felt scared to feel joy.
You know, I think because I felt so much misery or pain as a child, and I felt so insecure and so just low self-worth that when joy came around, the possibility of even telling somebody else that I felt good, that was scary to me.
And sometimes it still is, man.
Sometimes it's still scary to let people know that I feel good, you know, when I do.
And that's a new thing for me, is learning to let people know that I feel okay.
Because for a lot of my life, the only thing that I knew how to feel and to navigate was that I didn't feel okay.
You know, so that's another thing, man, where I'm kind of being a little bit reborn right there in that space where if you'd asked me a year ago, dude, do you think, you know, you'll have, you know, would you be in a year from now, do you think you'll be in a space where you, you know, will have days where you feel okay all day?
I probably would have said no, you know, but the last year of my life's been kind of monumental.
And the fact that I'm feeling some opportunities to have some of my feelings be reborn and have some just new ideas of happiness revealed to me.
And a lot of that's happening through other people.
Other people just sharing their joy and me being able to actually hear it and feel it.
So anyhow, thanks for calling in.
We got some other calls.
I'll get to them next week, man.
You know, but thank you, Zane.
Thank you, Blowjob and Billings.
And thanks for asking about the sexuality with my brother.
And, you know, part of it's, you know, it's funny to think about the times we had.
I mean, that was, you want to talk about hide and seek, dude?
That was about a year and a half of hide and seek that went.
That was full throttle, dude.
That's fast and furious.
That's the Tokyo drift of hide and seek when your brother's trying to do sex to you in the house.
I'm going to take us out this evening on a song here.
This is Victory Theme.
That's all I know about this.
I want to thank you guys for joining me on this past weekend.
Continue to hit the hotline.
I'll post a number at the bottom of the YouTubes.
This will be on iTunes and then on YouTube later in the day on Monday.
Happy Easter.
I hope it was a good one for everybody.
I really do.
And I appreciate you guys so much for just kind of going on this journey with me and learning as we go.
You know, damn, boy, I'll say this, dude.
Nobody could run 11 miles on a couple grams of cocaine like your boy right here.
All right.
Let's take us out, man.
That's like a little bit of rocky music right there.
You feel that?
I said, victory theme, bruh.
I said, victory theme.
Because anything can happen, man.
You got to sometimes embrace the idea of possibility.
That's what I'm learning.
You know, and maybe next week I want to kill myself, but this week I don't.
And this week I'm going to take on my day and think that anything is possible.
Because a lot of times I would take my days like, oh, I know what today's going to be like.
This is going to suck, you know?
Somebody's going to shit in my car, you know, or, you know, somebody's going to kill a bird, you know, and leave it on my yard.
But if I wake up thinking, I don't know what's going to happen today, something new could happen.
I could meet somebody new.
I could think something new.
I could find a new revelation in my life or in my heart, dude.
I know this shit sounds a little bit gay as fuck, dude, a little bit GAF, but...
Sometimes you got to embrace the possibility that anything could happen.
Because that possibility, man, imagine waking it up, just being like, you know what?
I don't know what's going to happen today.
That's all you got to do to create possibility.
Just be willing to not know.
And I'm not preaching at you, man.
I'm also just trying to remind myself to do that tomorrow and to open myself up to possibility.
Because I need it, man.
I need to hear this.
I need to hear myself talk.
You know, that's really just kind of sometimes what I'm doing right here.
But I'm grateful for you guys, man.
You guys have a wonderful week.
Happy Easter, bro.
Enjoy it.
Get to it.
Get at it.
Be good or be good at it.
But take care of yourself, man.
And be good to yourself.
You know, once you try that, I bet you deserve it, man.
You guys be swell, bruh.
I'm outchair.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sweetheart.
Easy to.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John Main.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kai Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
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