All Episodes
Previous Next
April 10, 2017 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
01:02:29
4-10-17 This Past Weekend #17

Theo got electrocuted. Hole enlargement. Debbie goes down. Takes callers.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
What's up, you little crispy dick darmadillas, huh?
How you guys feeling today, man?
It's Monday.
Are you ready?
What you been doing?
You been smelling your own breath, huh?
You been smelling your cousin's breath?
You ever done that, dude?
Get close by your cousin's mouth and mmm, that's Aaron Cest, bruh.
You ever thought about that?
You ever thought about that?
Mmm, that smells so naughty.
Should we tell Uncle?
Should we tell Uncle?
You guys ready?
You guys ready for this past weekend, man?
I'm ready, dude.
I got electrocuted, bruh.
Let's get into it.
Welcome to this past weekend.
This past weekend.
What's up?
How are you guys doing?
How are you ladies doing?
Thank you guys for joining me.
It is Monday, April 10th, and I'm feeling gratitude right now, man.
I got electrocuted.
I'm just going to start there.
I got electrocuted.
And I don't know if you've ever been down this road with electricity, but it's a violent force, man.
I mean, it's like Poseidon just kind of just finger-banged your butt.
You know, that's how I felt.
I'm going to tell you guys what happened.
I hadn't been electrocuted in a long time.
I hadn't been electrocuted in a long time.
And you forget what it's like.
You forget the power of it.
I was, well, first I'll tell you about the first time I got electrocuted.
I was young.
I was young.
I was a boy.
And I was a young boy.
And I grew up near a fairground.
And a fairground is a place where the fair comes.
And they have animals there when the fair isn't there.
And people show animals and stuff like that, 4-H people.
And it was a big field.
And once a year, the fair would come.
And it was not far from our home where we lived at.
So me and some of the other boys from the neighborhood, my friend Clark, would go over there.
And before the fair would open up for the public, they had a day where they would let us ride the rides.
And they charged us maybe a quarter, I think, or 50 cents to get in.
And you could ride as much as you want as the rides were being put up and functioning.
And in hindsight, I think they were kind of just experimenting with us.
But we didn't see that.
We just saw it as a deal because to get a regular wristband for the Big Fair day, it was about $8.
And we didn't usually have that money, so we would go the day prior and we'd get out there.
And they had a lot of, you know, miscreants and ne'er-do-wells out there and, you know, men that were running from the law and women that kind of looked like lesbians, but that probably weren't lesbians, non-practicing lesbians, maybe.
And we'd get on the rides.
And I got on a ride, and my buddy Clark was this kind of odd boy.
He'd had some issues.
He hated sound.
He hated sounds.
He hated all just sounds, man.
So he would often, you know, wear something extra on his head to kind of keep the sound out of him.
He just, you know, I don't, and I don't know why he was like that.
You know, everybody's got their thing, and he just wasn't keen with sounds.
And, you know, he liked to, he was more, you whispered around him.
He was just a gentle.
He was gentle when it came to the airwaves.
And so he'd often have an extra hat on or, you know, some couple of muffs on his ears or he'd have his head kind of wrapped up in something, you know, wrap an extra cloth or something around his head to keep things quiet around him.
But we'd get onto the rides and it was pretty good.
You know, I mean, some of them was the first run.
You know, some of the cages would have, you know, birds would have nested in some of the different pivots and joints of the rides, like the zipper and the tilt a whirl, the Gravatron.
I remember the Gravitron as well.
I'll tell you a story about that in a second.
But so I was getting off of something.
I think it might have been the Tilta Whirl.
And it was one of those rides where when you get off the back, you know, you can hear a generator kind of really just rumbling.
You can hear a generator really rumbling.
And I'm getting off and I was holding onto the rail and then I held another rail.
And at that point, I completed some type of a circuit, you know, some sort of loose energy that wasn't being used by the ride.
And it started using me.
And I remember just like my neck got real straight and everything I knew just felt alert.
And I remember this man was like a tall black man.
And everybody was tall to me because I was a child, but he could have been a basic heighted, basic heighted black man.
He was like, you got to get off the ride, boy.
And I was like, I can't let go, you know?
And he thought that I was, you know, taking issue with him or that I was, you know, just being kind of just a little cunt, you know?
And so he put his foot on my back and basically just kicked me off the ride.
Not kicked me, pushed me with his foot.
And there is a difference.
You know, some people are always saying they get kicked, but sometimes you just get pushed with somebody's foot.
And thank God he did, dude, because it was kind of rude of him, but thank God he did, because I don't think that I would have survived.
But that was, I hadn't been electrocuted since then, since we'd been out there, you know, experimenting on these rides.
The Gravatron, I remember they had a man in there who looked like slash from Guns N' Roses.
And when the, when the, that was the one where you went in and you laid against the wall and then it spun, you know, like you were in the dryer.
And it spun and the whole your board you were leaning against would go, just start to just levitate against the wall.
You know, like you were really just on the last cycle of, you know, of a load of laundry.
And at that point, you couldn't move hardly.
You couldn't move your neck or anything.
You just had to really look just straightforward.
And they had a DJ in the middle, a rock and roll man.
And he'd be in there playing rock and roll.
And I remember this guy had a bit of the pervert in him.
And he would kind of show his wiener while we were spinning.
And it was and it was weird because you didn't, I remember we never discussed it because you were always, or I personally felt like I was always unsure if I was just spinning so fast that I was, that I was like seeing wieners or something, that I was seeing, you know, adult body pieces.
But now as I've gotten older, I know what happened and that man was showing, was showing out.
And that wasn't right of him to do that.
I think he was just being like a party guy, you know, but that was the Gravitron because you couldn't move.
You couldn't look and see if everybody else was seeing the same thing.
So you didn't know if everybody saw it and people, I guess, were maybe scared to talk about it.
And then Clark, you didn't discuss things with him that much because he liked to be silent.
You know, he liked to just be kind of by himself.
But anyhow, that was the first time I got electrocuted when I was young.
And then until now, I'm okay.
I want to say that.
I had a lot of well-wishes, people reaching out, checking in on me.
Somebody asked how many volts it was.
And I'm going to answer that.
I don't know, bruh.
You know, like, I don't know if that's what you ask.
Like, I'm not like a tachometer or whatever.
I don't know.
I'm not trying to set a fucking record, dude.
I got electrocuted by electricity.
And I'll tell you what happened.
I had a comedy set on Melrose Avenue in West Hollywood.
And afterwards, I was walking a few blocks and they had a food truck.
And I don't like food trucks, man.
You know, it's all, you know, for people out, everybody in LA and all these cities are like, oh, food trucks, food trucks.
But then they'll like, you know, but then they'll make fun of people who are picking up animals on the side of the road, you know, like the area where I'm from.
And they're like, those people are fucked up, you know, like some hillbilly grilling something in the back of his truck, you know.
But you're eating out of a fucking truck, dude.
You know, like I've never eaten sushi out of a truck, you know, like some kind of damn creep, you know, like some kind of just damn fucking calorie lurker, you know.
So I don't like food trucks because I don't like to eat when somebody's cooking something right next to the gasoline.
I mean, the gasoline in a truck is eight feet from the fucking griddle.
You know, like, I don't eat around that shit.
So anyway, I've had a personal issue, I guess.
And I'm sorry if I'm a little fired up, dude.
I mean, I didn't expect this, and it's just been a long, it's been a long few days.
So anyhow, I saw this food truck.
They were selling lobster, lobster rolls, which I don't give a fuck about those either, dude, to be honest.
And so I, you know, though, I was being myself, and they're selling lobster rolls, and I thought they were out of jurisdiction.
You know, I didn't know that food trucks were allowed to operate on this certain avenue out here in West Hollywood.
So, you know, being a nosy SOB, I wander over because I'm thinking that these people need to know my point of view.
You know, like, oh, you guys are selling crab or, you know, seafood out of, you know, out of a proper jurisdiction, really.
And in hindsight, that was my fault.
I should have minded my own business.
And kind of around the back of the food truck, they had this, you ever seen like one of those electric things on the wall, like just something, an outlet?
They had a huge one of those on the ground.
And I just kind of wasn't paying attention.
And like a huge one, like, like, I don't know if you've ever seen a, like, I think there's a movie maybe, it could have been Home Alone, where the boy is dancing on a, one of those pianos that's on the floor, like with the big keys.
They have it at FAO Schwartz.
They have it at a fancy toy store in New York City where you can step on the keys and make the sounds, you know, and they're like $3,000.
Rich kids have them, I guess.
And it was like that, man.
It was that big.
It was that big of an outlet.
You know, just a big outlet.
And it had a bunch of cables coming out of it.
And I stepped on it.
And it felt like I was, I kind of got straight and then I just got literally crumpled to the ground.
Almost like if you've ever seen like one of those videos where they pour some type of liquid over a Coke can or something and it just crumbles.
That was me, man.
I was like kind of crumbling, but one of my legs was staying kind of straight.
And I was scared, dude.
It felt like the devil was just grabbing me down, you know, and I didn't know what was going on.
And I realized that I was in unsafe territory.
And thank God it just didn't last for too long.
You know, it was probably two or three seconds, which you don't think is long.
You know, I mean, if you're a bull rider, you know, they're supposed to stay on for eight seconds.
That's So, you know, me riding an outlet for three seconds isn't a big deal.
But when you are unexpectedly start surfing electricity, basically, riding the lightning, it's real, man.
It gets real pretty fast.
And so I was scared, dude.
I didn't know if I was going to die.
For a second, you know, for one of those seconds, I probably thought that I was going to die.
Anyhow, I went home.
The next day, I went to the doctor, and I went into the doctor's office.
And things got even worse in there.
I went into the doctor's office, and he kind of like pushed on my ribs from the front and back and made me like turn to the left and right because there was this sharp pain in my ribs.
And they ended up figuring out that there was a muscle in there that got damaged or it's called an intercoastal muscle.
And I don't know if maybe the electricity kind of, you know, all met up right there in my body.
But it hurt, man.
And this guy was like squeezing on it.
It made it hurt even more.
I lost my breath.
I thought I was going to die in the office.
I thought I was going to die.
He pushed on it and I couldn't breathe.
And he's like, what's wrong?
And I'm like, I can't breathe.
And he's like, well, what, well, what happened?
And I'm like, he had just done this to me.
I had been able to breathe when I was in there before.
And I'm like, I feel like, you know, like I'm going to be killed, you know?
And so he's like, just take the smallest breaths you can.
Anyhow, fast forward, I slowly breathe myself back to neutral.
They laid me down for a while.
They gave me a tordahl shot in my butt to get some of the muscles to relax and for a little bit of relief.
And then the dude says, I suggest you don't sleep alone.
You know, and I'm not sleeping with anybody right now.
You know, I'm bedding up by myself.
I don't even have a cat or anything.
So I'm thinking, well, now I got to find some fucking Muppet to bed up with me.
And then I'm torn because it's like, well, what if I get some type of fucking, you know, some straight up fucking, you know, just animal, some female, you know, just some girl that's out in the grind squad.
I don't want some last minute chick laying up in my bed.
Because then what if I, what if I die?
What if I die in my sleep?
Then everybody's like, well, he's fucking sleeping with this chick.
And maybe that's a silly thought.
I just, my brain started racing and I got very scared.
So anyhow, I've been recovering from electricity, man.
The dudes like find somebody to sleep with.
And I just braved it out and slept alone.
And here I am, man.
I got electrocuted, but I'm still alive and I'm living to tell about it.
And I'm happy you guys are here for this past weekend.
The news.
Let's get into the news.
Oh, also, I know I was going to do a video where I answered more questions this past week.
And once I got electrocuted, that went out the window.
So because there's just things you can't do, man.
I mean, it's been hard to move this part of my body.
There's a lot of pain right here in my ribs.
I've been jacked up.
You know, I've been what I would definitely refer to as jacked up.
So I'm just happy to be alive.
I'm feeling a lot of gratitude.
And here we are.
Thank you guys for joining me.
Thank you guys for all the support.
This is on iTunes.
If it's Monday morning, later in the day, it should come up on YouTube.
If you want to get onto the YouTube, you can check it out there.
We also do a This Pass follow-up where we'll check in with somebody who called in for suggestions, and we'll put those calls, smaller segments, onto the YouTube as well.
I didn't have any music to kick off the episode this week because some people can't, apparently can't get the YouTube in certain countries if there's copywritten music in it.
So I'm trying to figure that out.
We'll get past that hurdle.
I'm doing the best that I can.
And thank you guys for bearing with me.
The news, Syria bombing.
I saw that, dude.
Sent a couple of missiles over to Syria.
And one thing that I felt was some nostalgia because it's been a long time since America had like since America like bombed something, you know, that we heard about in the news really at a large scale like that.
And it reminded me of growing up.
It reminded me of like in the, you know, in the 80s, 90s, 2000s, even early 2000s, when that was just an everyday practice.
You would hear about it all the time during the Gulf War.
You know, you were constantly hearing about bombings.
So it wasn't a big deal.
But it had been a long time.
And so that really kind of made me feel a little bit of nostalgia.
I don't know if some of you guys felt that or not.
I thought there was an interesting video online on CNN where they'd found a guy in Syria who was grateful for the bombing or for just the show of force, just because there had been a lot of atrocities happening over there.
And he felt like nobody had been helping those people.
And so he was very grateful to the administration and to the U.S. military.
And I thought that was interesting because you don't see a lot of that from the news these days.
What else?
Sergio Garcia.
Sergio Garcia won the Masters.
I thought that was pretty awesome.
I watched the last round.
Beautiful course, man.
I went to the Masters once a long time ago.
And one thing I remember, they had ice cream sandwiches there for only $1.50.
And that's a beautiful price if you're at a Sporting event to get something for that price.
And I felt like that was great.
And I just remember, I wasn't a huge golf fan.
I think this guy, Mike Weir, won it the year I went, or Billy Weir, Billy, he might have been a British man.
But I remember those $1.50 ice cream sandwiches.
I had about nine of those.
And I saw the hottest chick I've ever saw, some lady named Debbie, fall in the mud.
And because it was a rainy time, and a lot of the women are wearing high heels and just kind of giraffing about, you know, like just like long animals.
And this bitch hit the mud.
And that made me feel, it made me feel pretty good, to be honest with you, dude, to see, you know, Debbie, when Debbie goes down, that shit made me feel pretty damn good.
Reminded me in high school, I remember one time I hit, I'll be honest, dude, I hit a hot chick with my car.
And I don't know sometimes in hindsight if I did it on purpose or if I could have not hit her, but there was something in it felt pretty damn good, dude, to just equal the playing field that I felt at the time.
Maybe I felt low of myself.
And it just, you know, to see a pretty hot chick, you know, take a Ford escort to the femur, whatever that is, to the hip.
That shit really kind of warmed me a little at that time.
But I do also want to apologize to that young lady.
I think we're out of the jurisdiction of time where there can be a lawsuit.
But at the very least, I should come to terms.
I might have to make an amends there.
What else, dude?
But I thought it was cool.
I thought it was beautiful.
I always wanted to take my stepdad.
I got emancipated when I was about 14 because my mother and I were not on level terms.
And they had a family that took me in.
And the dad always loved golf.
And most of my life, I've always wanted to take him to the masters.
And I'd still love to be able to do that, to be able to afford to do that one day.
I hope I can get to do that.
It's one of those things that kind of plagues me where I, you know, it's something you want to do, but you never get around to it.
Sometimes I worry that I'm not going to get around to it, but hopefully I will.
What else, man?
Let's see what else is happening.
I haven't been watching the actual news very much, dude.
I keyed in for the serious stuff because I'll say this, dude.
I hate the fucking news, bro.
I hate it, man.
And I'm sorry if I'm antsy or fired up.
You know, I got electricity inside of me.
And I feel like the news, it's just all negative.
Everything on it, I feel like America is a much better country than the news makes us out to be.
All they focus on is the bullshit.
I feel like they're responsible for more racial bullshit in this country and more racial division than any human or group of people could be.
Sometimes I wish they'd take these newscasters and the networks that sponsor them and bring them up on charges because some of it is just bullshit.
We're better people than a lot of these news networks let on that we are.
I strongly believe that.
What else happened this past weekend, man?
I just was feeling survival.
You know, I felt a lot about survival and times where, you know, I didn't know if I was going to make it.
I had another near-death experience.
I ate a bunch of quarters when I was a child.
I ate about $8 and a little bit of change, maybe in quarters.
And it was all change, but I don't know how much over $8 that I actually ingested.
But I took in a good deal of money and they had to go in and get it out of me.
And I remember that being, you know, I was very scared.
I think from what I gather talking to my mother, I had become envious of a piggy bank.
And that's a natural thought for a child to have, you know, that this pig can have money in it.
And I want to save money, you know.
I was very money conscious as a child.
We didn't have much money.
So the money that I had, I wanted to hold on to.
But I remember being scared about that.
Another time, I guess I had to go into the hospital.
The hole on the end of my penis wasn't wide enough.
I had just a very small opening at the end of my penis.
And I could piss like a damn, I mean, dude, I could piss severe.
I mean, I could piss, bruh.
I could piss into a bird's mouth if the branch was only about seven feet up.
I mean, I had something special, I felt like.
But it started to cause a lot of pain because as you get older, I guess you can hold more liquid and you're trying to spray more liquid out of your body.
And I remember that causing a lot of pain and I had to go in for surgery then to get a larger penis hole.
And thankfully that worked out okay.
But I remember a lot of fear being around that.
Another time I was very scared for my life was when I had appendicitis.
I had appendicitis.
I was playing baseball on a very shitty team called the Cubs, and they didn't let me play.
They put me out in the field.
They had one boy who was out in the field one time and ate a couple of mushrooms, psychedelic mushrooms that were growing out there.
This kid named Big Charles, and I don't know if he's ever really been the same kid.
So this was before a lot of the fields, you know, maybe they properly took care of them.
Or, you know, maybe cows had been on them at certain times.
And, you know, and we were dealing with the repercussions of that.
Big Charles ended up using a lot of drugs.
And I'm not going to say that's where it started as a right fielder, but I don't think that that's far-fetched.
What else, man?
But I had been playing for the Cubs, and we were horrible.
And I was feeling some stomach pain.
I went up to bat, got hit by a pitch.
That was my big move.
Couldn't swing the bat well, but would often get hit by the pitches.
And I got to second base, was in severe pain in my side, and between second and third base, I fell down, hit the dirt.
And we had a huge, thick, just a gristly coach, you know.
They didn't make a shirt that could fit him, you know.
Sometimes it seemed like he would, you know, have a shirt, but then like some towels kind of sewed around the bottom of it, you know, or have an apron on as well to hide some of himself because he was just all body, all gut, you know, all just fatty triceps and gut.
And he was screaming at me.
He ended up actually, I think, getting accused of being indecent with children.
And he never did anything to me, but he did get accused.
I know that.
And I'm still friends with two of the guys.
I actually just did an investment with one of the guys who he tried to make some, you know, sweet gestures towards.
But anyhow, I'm coming through second base, and I'm heading towards third, and I hit the dirt, man.
I'm in pain.
My appendix is ruptured or whatever, and I'm laying on the ground.
And this dude is screaming at me to round the bases.
And I can't round the bases, dude.
I can't round the bases because part of my body is busted open on the inside.
And he came out and was dragging me to third base, this coach.
And at third, I couldn't do anything else.
I stayed on the ground.
I remember holding on to the bag as he tried to pull me down towards home.
The referees or whatever they're called, umpires, were angry.
Other people got furious.
And, I mean, it didn't matter.
We lost the game anyway.
We lost every game by 10-run rule.
But I remember that being a really trying time.
And then I ended up in the hospital for a few days because I had a ruptured appendix.
And I was very scared of that.
So anyhow, that's what's going on, man.
That's what this past weekend.
I didn't have much happen because of that right there.
I do want to let you guys know coming dates.
I have the punchline in Sacramento, and that is April 21st through 23rd.
May 25th through 28th, I'll be at the Side Splitters Comedy Club in Tampa, Florida.
And Tampa's an old pirate town.
If you haven't been over there, a lot of Spanish moss, hookers, a lot of, you know, Florida's known for just being, it's really the appendix of America in that it just, all the gutter and the real trauma really just kind of gestates down there.
So it's definitely a place for a good time.
And then June 1st through June 4th, I will be in Pittsburgh at the Pittsburgh Improv.
If you want to support the podcast, you can go to theovaughan.com slash store.
We got some good shirts on there.
We got some artwork.
We got some new stuff that'll be coming up on there this week.
As well, later this week, I got a new album that'll be online of my early work.
It's going to be, it's a classier version, and it's just all the early stuff, you know.
So I'm excited about that.
All right, man, we got some great calls that came in.
I want to thank everybody for being a part of this journey with me.
When you guys call in with questions or concerns or thoughts, I mean, I learn a lot as well.
So I'm glad that you guys are helping me.
I want to thank also my buddy Adam, who's out there.
There's a guy named Adam who I've never even met who gives me advice about this podcast.
There's a guy named Cameron who does the artwork, who I've never even met in person, who does the artwork.
There is a guy named Sherb, Sherb, you know, who masters the audio at, he's been doing it at 6 a.m.
the past month.
And I've never met him.
And so the joy that I'm feeling just from, you know, the kindness of people, it's really awesome, man.
And I want to say that I feel it and thank you guys.
And we're in this together.
And whatever we're doing, let's continue to do it.
Thank you guys so much for the support.
All right, let's get into some calls here.
I want to thank you guys for hitting the hotline.
That number is 985-664-9503.
And you can call in and leave a question or a comment, anything about, you know, that you might need some, you know, some guidance.
If it's something I can relate to, I'll relate to it.
Any basic life suggestions that I can offer, I will try to offer.
All right, guys, let's get into some of that.
We had some great callers call in.
Here we go.
What's up, Theo?
I'm calling in from Northwest Arkansas.
Northwest Arkansas, baby, that's quartz country and Little Abner.
I think Little Abner from that area onward.
On one of your podcasts you did a couple weeks back, you're talking about how whenever you grew up, you didn't really have very many relationships with men whenever you're a kid.
That's true.
My brother moved to live with my grandparents when I was young.
So, you know, I was in a room, you notice with an empty bed across the room.
And my father was very old.
And some of the other, they had some adults around us.
Some of them were, you know, some of them were pedophiles.
I talked about that.
One man kept combing his hair all the time.
You know, like he just, he had some issues onwards.
I'm like the opposite.
Pretty much all my relationships were with dudes.
And all my friends are dudes that didn't have very many girlfriends.
And because of that, it's kind of hard for me to talk to females.
It's a little difficult to not force conversation whenever I'm talking to girls.
I can relate to that, man.
I remember when I was young, I could not talk to girls.
I just felt embarrassed.
I couldn't talk to girls that I liked.
That was the toughest part.
I was just afraid.
I just had this thing built in my head that they hated me or that they just did not like me.
And I remember one time, this girl I was just in love with as a child.
I remember that I spit in her hair because I was so pent up with wanting to just tell her that I liked her maybe or something that I couldn't.
So I just gathered every bit of genetic ability, liquid ability in my face and just deposited it onto her head one time.
And I ended up getting suspended for that onward.
A little better at it now than I used to be.
I started going to a lot of festivals and honestly, it's taken a bunch of ecstasy.
The best time I can talk to women is whenever I'm rolling my pits off on some good, good molly.
And because of that, it's helped a little bit.
I'm a little better at carrying on conversations.
But I was just wondering if you've ever had that problem and if you have, how you kind of got over that.
All right.
So we've got a gentleman in northwest Arkansas.
I love the fact that Arkansas, you just, you assume people don't know any location in that state.
So you just sort of label it as an area, you know, almost as it's like, you know, like it's part of space or something.
But I appreciate the call, man.
Well, first of all, if you're using drugs to talk to women, I've been there, you know, I, you know, I used to think that using cocaine would make me like a party guy.
And it can help.
It can help for a while, you know, but at the but the kind of girls I was meeting were just straight, just drug Muppets, you know, and kind of chicks that would wear those, you know, Ewok things on their head with the long bands coming out of them and,
you know, candy necklaces, adults wearing candy necklaces and playing in the desert, you know, and wearing fake furs and dressing up like foxes, like dirty foxes and, you know, doing, you know, just, you know, hiding ecstasy and acid inside of their bodies and boofing.
I remember this one girl was, boofing is a thing where you put cocaine in a straw and then you blow it into somebody's buttocks or butt, right into their butthole, really, into the hole in their butt.
And so, yeah, it was using drugs was cool for a little bit, but after a while, you can devolve where you're just using drugs.
And that can get a little scary.
So I'm not saying it's a bad idea what you're doing, but if your expectations are to continue to carry that behavior on, you might run into some issues where you're just doing drugs by yourself and there aren't any girls.
And that can easily happen.
You know, that can easily happen, man.
It sounds like you got to find some comfort in talking to women, you know?
And I used to, I mean, dude, I went through a time where I was so nervous to talk to women.
The only thing I could use were like shitty pickup lines, you know, garbage ones.
You know, they had the one, are you a polar bear?
Because you just, you know, I'm a polar bear.
I'm about to break the ice.
You know, that garbage, you know, verbal.
And then I used to have this one line in hindsight, this shit is horrible.
I was like, let's play Hiroshima.
I'll lay on my back and you blow the shit out of me.
So that was, but I mean, that's where I was.
I was at a point where personally, I couldn't find a comfort level where I could speak to women.
And how to get through that, I would find you got to, you have to, you have to get through it and you're going to have to practice.
And what I would practice is listening.
I practice listening, man.
I think you could be thinking, because I personally used to think that I had to start the conversation every time.
Sometimes you can just listen.
Just listen.
I mean, a lot of women, all they want is a man to listen to them and to care.
And I think if you start with that, with the listening, then you'll eventually find spots where you can interject and offer something to the conversation, you know?
And also, if you're, and you can just try things also, if you want to try little things to talk to a woman, I would try little things like, I like, what kind of candy do you like?
You know, shit that like a five-year-old would say.
Because all it's about is starting the conversation.
You don't need to think or worry three or four steps in advance.
Just say hello.
My name is so-and-so, you know.
Just little things like that are really the starters.
And you have to get your self-confidence up because if you are thinking that women don't like you, then they're just going to sense that, you know?
Because the thing is, they probably do like you.
You know, they probably do.
And you just have to find some ways to be comfortable around them.
So comfortability will lead to communication.
So if you can get to being comfortable, you're going to be in a good spot.
Now, you also, man, if you get hooked up on the drugs and that, you're going to have to start weaning yourself off of that.
You know, if the only way you can speak to women is on, at a rave on ecstasy, Dude, you might, that might not end well.
You know, so I don't know if you need to put on some house music and suck on a clariton or something at the house, you know, or start to wean yourself off of that behavior so you can create some regular behaviors where you're actually, you know, communicating to women in a regular way, man.
You know, and you can find a girl that you already know, and it doesn't have to be one that you're sexually interested in, and just communicate, just listen, practice, bruh, you know, practice.
And also, you don't want to be in a spot where you just take any girl that will take you.
And, you know, for years I spent time in that place where I would just, any girl that would take me, I would accept, you know, I would take.
Even if she didn't have some of my values or qualities or anything, I just felt so less of myself.
And I'm not saying that you feel this way about you, but I felt so less of myself that I just felt like I wasn't worthy of someone who was good for me or who I was good for.
I was just hopefully worthy of anyone.
And that was not a fun place to be.
And you end up with people that you end up with being in a match that's not a real match, you know?
Because you want to end up, if you want to end up with a woman, and if you're looking for something long term, you're going to want to find a woman that's real.
And if you don't always have to agree with girls, you know, if they don't have your vibe, dude, then screw them on to the next one, you know.
But just don't make your, if you can get in your head that you have value and you have worth, which you do, you do, bruh.
You know, you sound like a pretty legit dude, man.
I'd probably go party with you, bruh.
You know, I'd probably do a couple bumps and put on a wig and let you practice conversation on me, you know?
But you don't want to end up with someone who doesn't deserve you just because you're afraid to you're afraid to feel like someone does deserve you.
So I don't know if any of that helps, man, but I hope I could relate a little bit.
And yeah, be easy on that drugs, man.
You know, maybe use a placebo.
You could try that.
You could try using a placebo, you know.
Maybe just fill your mouth with damn, you know, fill your mouth with a little box of good and plenties and see if you meet a girl on that.
You know, hide a couple lifesavers under your tongue and see who you meet, you know.
And you can practice talking to sisters too, man.
Sisters love to chat.
Beautiful dark-skinned girl.
And it's good practice, you know.
And you might meet a beautiful sister that you fall in love with.
You might be the next Gary Owen or the next Bill Burr, who are both, you know, great, confident men.
Good luck with that, man.
Let's check out another question here.
Hold on.
Hey, Theo.
We got a question for you.
My name's Jose.
I live in New Mexico.
Jose, New Mexico.
I'm going to say this gentleman could be Latino.
Thank you for calling, sir.
He might be our first Latino check-in.
And I'm grateful to have you, brother.
Onward.
And yeah, I just got a question for you.
I just got out of relationship.
And I'm noticing one of my biggest problems is I'm a jealous motherfucker.
And I don't know how to get past that shit.
It's kind of a hindrance to my past relationship because it's not like I'll go out and beat a motherfucker up or anything like that.
It's just.
He said, he said it's not like he'll go out and beat a motherfucker up.
So he's not doing that.
But he did just refer to himself as a jealous motherfucker.
So that sounds pretty jealous.
That sounds pretty jealous, you know, onward.
I don't know.
It's just still like, I don't know, like I just, I'm not a control of some of the things that happen in that sort of situation.
This past relationship, I had an extremely beautiful girlfriend.
She didn't believe that any guy she met, they were trying to get into her pants.
I tried to give that to her, but just wasn't getting through.
I'm a guy and I know how guys work, so that always came to bite me in the ass in the end.
Yeah, man, I'll say this.
It's hard.
If you're just telling your girlfriend that, you know, it's just not going to resonate well.
You can warn her, but, you know, beating that into her verbally, it's not going to help because jealousy equals insecurity.
And when women sense, when they see that you're insecure, it makes there's there's naturally women are not are going to have trouble being attracted to insecure men.
I've been jealous, man.
I have been jealous.
I'll tell you about my jealousy in just a second.
Let's finish up the call here.
So yeah, man, if you have any advice or anything I should do to kick this jealousy shit, man, I don't like it.
I don't like it.
But cool.
Keep up the good work, man.
Podcast is a show.
Okay, he wants to kick the jealousy, man.
Well, I appreciate you calling in, Jose, because that's a brave thing to admit and it's a brave thing to recognize.
You know, I was extremely jealous of past girlfriends, dude.
I was so insecure.
I had one girlfriend.
I ended up breaking into her apartment and putting Nair, which is a hair removal care, into her shampoo bottle when I found out that she had been doing sex with another man.
And I think some of that could have, in hindsight, been deservant.
That's also out of the jurisdiction of prosecutable offenses now.
That's been about 15 years.
So I'm safe to discuss that.
But I was extremely jealous of that girl.
I was jealous.
I remember one of my first girlfriends, she'd lost her virginity to someone else, right?
And I'd lost my virginity to her, you know.
And I know losing your virginity, it's not a big deal anymore.
But at the time when I was young, it was a big deal.
You know, when I was at that, you know, first sex age, you know, early sex ages.
And I remember I was so jealous for some reason that she hadn't lost her virginity to me.
And this seems like a crazy thing for me to talk about.
And I don't know if this can relate entirely to your issues here.
But I just kind of, in a weird way, I like held it against her.
You know, I was just so jealous of, you know, like, why didn't, like, why not me?
Why didn't you wait for me?
But this girl didn't even know we weren't even a part of each other's lives.
So I was so insecure about myself as a man and about being a good boyfriend or sexually confident that I, you know, wanted to somehow erase any other sexual instances that she'd ever had.
You know, and I wanted to do it by making her feel bad, I guess.
And that's just bizarre.
I mean, that's, because it's unrealistic, you know, there's no way to go back in time and change things.
And you can't, that's not, you know, that's not something that can happen.
You know, so it was just me just finding any way I could to make her feel bad.
And I figured if I was making her feel bad, then I would have some type of control over her, I guess.
You know, and it's sad to hear myself say that now because I don't behave that way anymore.
But, you know, when I was younger, I certainly did.
And I would just get extremely jealous.
Where were you?
Where you been?
What's going on?
You didn't call.
You didn't text, you know?
And I was just so insecure.
I was so unconfident.
I didn't have the ability to be.
I didn't have any self-confidence.
I didn't have any self-confidence at all.
But what I could have done and what I recommend or what I suggest is that if you know what your jealous behavior is, which it sounds like you do, then if you start to feel that, do the opposite.
Do the opposite action.
Now, that action might be do nothing.
That action might be instead of writing, where the fuck are you, write, you know, I hope you're having a nice evening.
But you have, if you know what the action is that's causing, if you know what one of the actions is that's part of your issue, then doing the opposite would be the correct thing.
And a lot of times it's going to be do nothing.
A lot of times that's going to be absolutely do nothing.
And I remember it got to the point sometimes where if somebody would ask me, how do you feel about this girl?
The only feeling I even had was jealousy.
Like I'd be in a relationship for a couple of years and my main feeling was jealousy.
Like it wasn't, oh, I love this girl.
It's like, oh, I'm just jealous.
I'm so caught up in myself.
You know, I'm so caught up in using anything I can to keep her because I felt insecure.
Jealousy comes from fear.
You know, it comes from the fear of losing someone.
It comes from the fear of thinking that, you know, your friends are going to think you're weak if that person leaves you.
Jealousy comes from fear, man.
So you got to find some ways to cure that fear.
You know, there might be some self-help groups out there for jealousy or for anger management where even if you got into one of those or went to a couple meetings, you might be able to hear someone who can relate to your story or share your story with some men in there where they can, you know, they'll have a similar, where they can relate and share some information with you, man.
But you also have to have reasonable expectations.
So next time you feel like being jealous, try being supportive.
I mean, it's going to be hard, but just be supportive.
You know, imagine, start to imagine that instead of your girlfriend is doing something wrong, that she's doing something right, that she cares, that she's out, you know, doing whatever she's supposed to be is normally, you know, doing as part of her daily life, and that she's thinking about you in a positive way.
You know, start to imagine that a healthy connection can actually happen.
And that's going to start to create some confidence, I feel like, inside of you.
But some of that really comes from self-confidence and self-worth and just feeling insecure.
So I wish I knew more to suggest to you, but I can certainly relate, man.
I mean, I was just, I didn't know what else to do.
I didn't know how to express how much I cared about these women.
The only thing I knew how to express was that I felt like I had to control them.
And I would use, and that was often fueled.
I was often fueled by my jealousy.
So I don't know.
I hope some of that can resonate a little bit.
Let's check in with another call here.
Hey, Theo.
Thanks for the podcast, man, dude.
This is awesome.
Thank you so much, bro.
You bet, man.
You're welcome, dude.
Thank you for listening.
I got a question here.
I'm thinking about, I live in Boston right now, and I'm thinking about going out to L.A. And, man, it just seems like that's the place to be.
How long have you been living in L.A.?
And I don't know.
I was just thinking about doing that move.
So just give me some pointers or not.
Well, do.
All right, man.
How long have I been living in L.A.?
I've been living in L.A. for about 14 years, man.
And I'm going to say, first, I'll give you the positives and negatives from what I think.
This doesn't have to be anybody else's feelings.
LA is lonely to me.
LA is a lonesome city.
There's very little sense of community.
A lot of LA is a lot of freaks and dreamers.
And I'm not saying these are bad people.
I'm one of them.
It's a lot of freaks and dreamers, creeps, weirdos.
It's L.A. It's like this, it's like that porch light that's on that bugs just flock to.
There's a lot of beautiful bugs out here and a lot of real seedy centipedes out here.
And you spend a lot of time in your car.
People talk about traffic.
Traffic disconnects humans, okay?
You sit in your car, your best friend, a coffee, dude.
You better have some good cafe.
My buddy.
Because your best friend will be a coffee.
You spend a lot of time in your car.
So that time, you can't spend it with other people.
So there's not a strong sense of community.
A lot of people move here to get what they want and then to go.
So you're never like, oh, there's tons of pride in Los Angeles.
They don't have that.
Also, there's a lot of freaking, there's a lot of posterity.
You know, it's like all the bars shut at 1.30.
You know, everything just looks good here.
But the reality is that that's what it's supposed to be for.
There's lights, there's cameras.
We want to capture everything looking awesome, you know?
So you don't get a lot of sense of how it feels, really.
There's a lot of people raising their kids in small apartments where the kids don't have room to really get out and explore.
People care more about animals here than they do about other people.
You see a disabled Bishan, that thing will have 95 caretakers in a minute.
You see a dude beating another dude with an axe, people will just be videotaping it.
And there's just not as much care for other humans here as much as there is for animals.
A lot of people have service animals.
A lot of people don't even have friends here.
They just have service animals.
I saw a lady the other day had maybe six service dogs, dude.
What the fuck?
Is this some kind of service I did a ride you're in, lady?
Are you sledding?
How much service do you need?
And it's just a lot of people that are just disconnected, I feel like, from reality.
You see a lot of Latino women caring for white children.
If you go to a lot of the parks here, a lot of lovely Latino, motherly type of women, while a lot of the parents are off working.
It's a lot of both parent work cities.
So a lot of both parents work here, you know, which is fine, but I'd love to one day have a wife that doesn't have to work, that can work if she wants to.
She's an equal, but I think having a mother at home is important.
I think it's one of the things that we're missing a lot.
So there's a lot of disconnection here with that.
There's a lot of gay dudes out here fighting over Instagram likes.
I'll put that out there, you know.
There's a lot of, there's just a lot of disconnection, man.
There's not a lot of sense of community.
There's a lot of lonely people.
Lonely people, dude.
I mean, it's just, it can be a very lonely city.
So I feel like those are a lot of things you get out here in Los Angeles.
Everybody has a, you know, people have dogs or it's a lot more important.
That's why animal rights is so huge here because people don't know how to even relate really to other people.
Now, those are some of the things that I find about LA that are probably negatives.
Positives, anything can happen here, man.
You can have friends of all types.
Like, it's baffling.
You know, I have so many, I know, I am, you know, I know so many amazing and wonderful talented people.
There's so many talented people that I get to work with at the comedy store all the time or that I, you know, that I cross paths with in different professions.
Like, I mean, some of the most talented people in the world.
So that's that, I mean, when I look through my phone, I'm like, wow, I'm just so blessed to know so many just superior and unique people.
So you have tons of unique people here that you wouldn't be able to know in other cities.
The weather's priceless.
It's great.
You know, I mean, it's always great.
It's so great that you don't even think about the weather.
I've never looked at a weather report ever.
Been here for 14 years, never looked, because 99% of the time, it's exactly the same.
With that said, it's also like Groundhog's Day where you don't have any seasons.
You don't know what's going on.
I mean, it could be May.
It could be December.
It's all the same.
You start to miss.
I start to miss a lot of the seasons, man.
You know, you miss the colors.
You miss a night of rain where the, you know, where you hear it outside and everybody's more calm and things slow down.
You just don't have that here.
Holidays, it's so diverse here that nobody gives a fuck what holiday it is.
You know, you don't see any decorations because one decoration is going to offend another ethnicity or another religion.
And so that to me isn't fun.
You know, I mean, you know, I like more of a smaller area vibe where everybody, if it's Christmas, you decorate for Christmas.
You know, who gives a fuck if some people don't celebrate Christmas or some people don't celebrate this or that?
Let's decorate for everything.
So you don't see a lot of that, man.
The only time you know when it's a holiday is when you walk into a CVS.
What are some other positives?
The beach is right there.
The water's cold as fuck.
They don't tell you that, bro.
It's freezing.
It's dirty.
But I was raised in dirty water, so I don't mind that.
I would like it to be a little bit warmer.
Would I come to LA again if I could come out here?
You know, I've been really blessed, man.
It would be hard for me to go back and say, you know, I know I've met so many great and wonderful people that I feel fortunate to have in my life.
So, yeah, I would.
I would move here again.
I think it's worth trying.
I think it's worth trying anything new.
I think new things can come out of making a move like that.
I think it's brave to move.
There's a lot of times where I wanted to move to New York City, but I wasn't brave enough to do that.
You know, and sometimes I feel bad about that looking back on my past.
And I still can, and I tried to last year.
We've been out here pitching some shows.
But I feel like, yeah, I feel like I would do it again.
If you want to do it, man, I say do it.
If you can afford it, you're still young enough where it's not going to, you know, if one year isn't going to kill you and it's going to be a unique experience, do it.
A city that I would recommend definitely living in, though, is New York City.
I mean, you're already in Boston, so that might be too close for you.
But anyhow, those are my feelings on it, man.
I appreciate you guys joining me this week for this past weekend.
I'm not going to have any music on the way out today for you guys.
I don't know what's happening to me these days.
I'm just fucking falling apart.
You know, but I shouldn't have opened my loud mouth.
You know, I shouldn't have went over to the lobster truck and let them know what I was thinking.
They didn't need to know.
It was a Mexican woman working in there.
She didn't even fucking, I don't even think knew what I was talking about.
So for me to think that these people are selling food out of jurisdiction when I don't even know the zoning, that's just sheer ignorance.
So what the fuck am I talking about?
But I'll say this, man.
I love you guys and I appreciate you guys listening.
Let's hit the hotline again.
Next week, I want to talk a little bit about family, man.
If you have a family, what's it like these days to have a family?
Is it hard to be a man and to run a family?
You know, to stay in that every week in and week out?
I didn't have much of a vibe for that when I was growing up, but I see now that my brother runs a household, he and his wife, and they manage to do a pretty good job.
And that's been a good example for me recently in my life.
But also, it scares me, man.
It scares me to think that, you know, that that could be part of my future.
It makes me want to just kind of stay in my zone and my little safe spaces and be afraid of starting a serious relationship or of starting, you know, heading in that direction.
You know, sometimes I don't want to grow up and I don't want to take that harder road.
But I'm hopeful that I'll be able to, but I don't know.
So I'd love to hear from you guys about if anybody has, you know, is dealing with a family, what that's like, you know, some of the pitfalls.
If you want to hit the hotline, you can also hit the hotline with anything else you have, and we might get into it.
That number again is 985-664-9503.
Hashtag basic life suggestions.
Thank you guys very much for joining me on this past weekend.
You guys be good to yourselves, huh?
Won't you try that?
I bet you deserve it.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sui.
Is it deal?
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
John Main.
I'll take a quarter pottle with cheese at a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
▲
Export Selection