All Episodes
Previous Next
March 27, 2017 - This Past Weekend - Theo Von
52:39
3-27-17 | This Past Weekend #15

Theo talks Wisconsin. Skeet shooting. Touchers. Mastybatty callers. Rambles wildly with angst about the news til near blackout. Covered same topic twice. Edited.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
It's spring cleaning time.
It's time to change the game.
Time to flip the script.
Who's this, Henry?
Nah, it's Cheryl, bitch.
We're going to try something different.
I challenge you.
Have you ever broken into somebody's house to install an alarm?
You ever left cookies out for your stalker?
Quit thinking about yourself.
You ever GHB'd somebody at the club, brought them back to your place, and just made them breakfast?
Ooh, is that waffles?
That's right.
Nothing naughty, nothing nasty.
We're about to forge a new path.
Let's get into it.
This is this past weekend.
this past weekend.
Bless my heart.
Bless my heart.
You make a monkey.
22 years old.
There must be someone up above.
Come on with me.
You got to come on up.
You got to hold on.
You got to hold on, man.
That's Alabama Shakes right there.
That's Alabama Shakes with the song Hold On.
And I got to Shakes in Alabama one time, man.
I was out there in Pelham, Pelham, Alabama.
And I'd been out there with some other young gentlemen who I knew from childhood.
And we'd been out there doing drugs.
We were on drugs on basically, I think, some ecstasy pills, to be honest with you.
And we got caught up.
And I just remember seeing this band widespread panic.
And I mean, I just felt full.
I felt just like a bunch of damn doves had just climbed into my veins and were just making my heartbeat with their wings, man.
I felt just equipped with the spirit.
But that could have been the drugs for sure.
But I got the shakes out there.
I remember after that show, I laid out in a parking lot of a Hampton Inn, which is basically just a traveler's motel, really.
And I smoked a pack of menthol cigarettes by myself, laying on my back, looking up at the stars.
If there were stars, hell, it could have been cloudy, dude.
It was B-Y-O-S at that point.
I mean, I was pretty much leaking feelings.
And I had the shakes a little bit, man.
And I remember just wondering what my life was going to be like.
And then the next day I went and stalked one of my ex-girlfriends for a little while.
So anyway, good to see you guys, man.
It is Monday, March 27th, and it is the year 2017.
And that was Alabama Shakes with a little bit of hold on.
Because sometimes you got to hold on, you know?
Sometimes you'll hit a moment where you got to hold on.
You can't let go, man.
Whether you white knuckling it, you know, and you holding on, you know, and just making your own foundation, or if you holding on to somebody else, or if you're holding on just to an invisible power out in the universe, you know, sometimes you got to hold on.
I just got back from Madison, Wisconsin, and that's white people country.
You know, it's actually about 85% Caucasian, healthy, a lot of healthy people up there.
A lot of thighs.
It's really kind of a lot of bronosaurus type builds, you know, just solid, hardy, heavy hearts up there.
Probably got nine aortas on them up there in Wisconsin.
Friendly, a lot of friendly people.
You can feel when they shake your hand that they care a little bit, you know, and you can feel that.
You could feel it up there.
And I enjoyed it, man.
I was at Comedy Club on State, and I want to thank everybody who came out.
And we had a blast, man.
We sold out a couple of shows, and everybody came and enjoyed themselves.
And I enjoyed myself, man.
I really did.
I had a nice time out there just being in the town of Madison.
It's a pretty liberal area, but it has a lot of conservative values.
I really think it's a nice, it's kind of progressive conservative, I feel like.
And I feel like it's on a great track, that town of Madison, Wisconsin.
It rained a little, too.
So caught a little free water there.
And that was nice.
Good to be here.
Thank you guys for joining us this past weekend.
What else, man?
We'll get into the news.
I'll chop into the news.
I don't catch the news that much, but this weekend I absorbed some.
The health care bill, it didn't pass, you know, and on a lot of these news networks, they were just really beating apart the politicians or whatever that were putting it together.
You know, I just hope that they figure one out that does pass, you know, that does work for everyone.
I mean, it's a tough issue.
You know, I don't really have a million thoughts on politics, but when it comes to health care, you know, I feel like it's almost inhumane if I don't feel like everyone deserves to be well or deserves to feel taken care of, especially in America where, you know, I'm not a bookkeeper, but I'm sure if you got down to the brass tax, we could find a way to afford it.
But then you got a lot of people that don't take care of themselves, you know, and so that's really the other side of the issue.
Like, you know, if somebody's just laying in the park all day shooting heroin and they, you know, and they don't care about their lives, but you're taking somebody's tax money who does care, you know, I can understand why some people would think differently, you know.
So I certainly see the different perspectives.
But I hope we find one that, you know, that works for everybody.
You know, I really hope we do.
and I don't know if there's a way, you know, I don't really know, but it does bug me sometimes that some of the news stations just I don't know if they really seem interested in finding a way as much as they do just beating apart the people that are trying to figure it out, you know.
I just don't think the news is as helpful as it could be sometimes.
When it comes to like political issues, health, you know, healthcare is super important.
You know, everybody needs a band-aid or a lung.
You know, hell, I'll probably blow through something.
I had a sister that was born with a bad liver.
She only had about a quarter liver in her, and so she needed a liver transplant early.
And I know that if it weren't for the healthcare system, we wouldn't have had that organ, you know.
And she's a little chatty, you know, I'll admit that, but she's alive, you know, and so I'm grateful to, you know, the systems that made that happen.
In another country, that might not have happened, might not have had my sister, you know.
So anyway, that's just my little personal thought on that.
I think we got a lot of issues, man.
If I were a, you know, a political official, there are some things I would do, man.
I'd have a neighbor day, you know, where we find out who's in America.
Because I feel like we don't know who's here.
Kind of like roll call.
Remember roll call when you were in the third grade or the seventh grade or whatever, whenever they finally checked on who was attending and they would just call your name.
I think they should do that.
Just a day where, you know, everybody meets their neighbor, you know.
Everybody go out in the street and let's see who lives around you.
Let's get a head count, you know.
And if somebody doesn't come out in the street, then they're creepy as fuck, dude.
And maybe we need to keep tabs on them, you know, because if they don't want to be mingling a little bit, then that's, you know, something's up.
Something's awry, you know.
That's kind of like a political thing that pops in my head sometimes.
If that's even political, I don't even know.
It's just something that I would think would be pretty neat.
Outside of that, another issue that sits on my heart sometimes is education reform, you know.
I just don't feel like we teach children skills that can really help them, you know, like how to interact with one another, how to know if your friend is having a tough time, you know, how to cheer somebody up if they're not doing well, you know.
I mean, I know it sounds like kind of some pretty gay shit, but I mean, I feel like those are things we could be teaching kids, you know.
I don't really care if Lamont knows about social studies, but I do care if he understands that one of his friends is maybe getting abused at home or something and he can recognize it, you know.
I just feel like we could teach kids acceptance.
We could teach kids, you know, how to love one another.
I just feel like we could do a little bit better job of education reform in that sense.
Just teaching people how to care, you know.
I don't think you should be able to graduate the fifth grade until you're not racist.
How about that?
That'd be a great class, you know, or until you realize what it means to be a contributing member of society, you know.
I just feel like there's a lot of things we could really be teaching children that's not factual, you know, that's more instinctual and more, you know, more of the heart, I guess.
And that's just a thought of mine.
You know, I'm not trying to push my beliefs on anybody.
I'm just, I guess, sharing whatever's in my brain.
Another thing I've wondered is if people who have served in the military, if their votes shouldn't count for more than those who haven't, you know, like maybe their vote counts for one and a quarter votes.
And that might sound crazy to some people, but, you know, I think it would certainly teach us all to have a different respect for our military.
I mean, if somebody puts their ass on the line, I feel like they, you know, they should get a little more, you know, and maybe it's just they, you know, get better packages when they're finished.
But I just think that would be interesting if their vote counted for more than those of us who haven't served.
And I haven't served.
You know, it's one thing I regret a lot.
I mean, I wasted a few years of my life surely, you know, just probably spraying out and thinking about owning animals and, you know, chasing trim around and, you know, all kinds of just void fillers, you know, where I probably could have sacrificed some of my time and got out there into the bazooka trade, you know, or whatever else they're doing, knife fighting, everything.
So anyway, those are some things that popped into my head.
Another news piece, Pizzagate, if you guys are familiar, but Pizzagate is basically Italian food and child molestation have joined forces in Washington, D.C., I believe it is.
And it's something where there's, you know, politicos and fancy pants people getting together in the middle of the night to do child molestation at a pizza place.
And that seems to me like bullshit.
I'm going to have to go ahead and throw that out there because, I mean, I've spent a lot of time around Italians and they are, I mean, they kiss, you know, they'll kiss you on the neck.
The men will kiss you on the neck sometimes.
If you're at the racetrack, I'll see them sometimes kissing each other if their horses win and getting excited.
And, you know, they eat for a long time and look at each other in the eyes and stuff and drink wine.
And I get what's going on.
They, you know, they're real loving, but I don't think that's going to lead to them loving a child so much that they're molesters.
So that's why that whole story to me just seems like a bag of cats' bottoms, you know, if you really look at that.
If you want to find some child molesters, dude, go to a poor neighborhood.
You know, I think your interests are better looking around there.
I mean, in a lot of wealthy neighborhoods, they have these HOA programs or these HOA groups, which are homeowners association that can make rules about who can live in the neighborhood and who cannot.
So a lot of fancy neighborhoods can keep pediophiles out.
So pediophiles, they're stuck at the gates, you know, and unless they got long arms, they're not going to be able to reach the children, you know, of the rich.
But now I grew up in a poor neighborhood, you know, and I'm, you know, I'm not trying to say that that's anything special or that I'm better than anybody because of that, but we had surely some couple touchers by us, you know.
And we used to play kickball with two adult touchers.
These men, I'll tell you this.
They had a law in Louisiana.
That's where I'm from.
They had a law there in Louisiana, and that's one of the big 50 states.
And where if you were a registered sex offender, that means you were part of the union, I guess, and that you had to go door to door and knock on the door and tell the people in the home, in your neighborhood, you had to go door to door in your neighborhood and let people know that you are a pediophile.
Right?
Well, in our neighborhood, it was all single-parent families, you know, and half the parents worked.
So us kids, we were home alone all the time.
So you'd have these touchers coming to the door, knocking, and saying, I have to let you know that I'm a registered sex offender.
Is your mother home?
And we'd be like, we were children.
We're like, she's not home right now, which is baffling in hindsight.
Because then you got a pedophile standing right there with his desserts, really.
And that was a law in Louisiana that you had to do that.
Thankfully, once you know who the pedophiles are, the game changes, you know.
A lot of, you know, these, you know, these pedophiles and touchers, they, they, it's when you don't know who they are that they can practice their art, you know.
But so we knew, I mean, we used to play kickball with these two guys, Mr. Daniel.
I don't remember the other guy's name.
He was kind of swampy looking, didn't really take care of himself.
But we played kickball with him.
And Mr. Daniel, this one dude was, he was combing his hair all the time.
I mean, he just comb his hair nine times in a minute.
You know, like he was just, like, like he was just trying to just comb the comb the darkness right out of his soul.
Like he just wanted to comb the touching out of himself, you know?
Or like he would look handsome enough that he wouldn't be a, you know, a pediophile anymore.
I felt bad for him sometimes.
And then this other guy who didn't never comb his hair, the irony.
But we played kickball with him.
And once we knew that they were, you know, what they, some of their hobbies were, it took a lot of their power away.
You know, we'd fuck with them and, you know, roll the ball, man.
You ain't getting this ass, bro.
Roll the ball.
You know, and, you know, it really, it almost put you on a level playing field once you knew who they were.
So I guess there was some value in them going door to door because then you put, you know, you put a name and a face with the dark arts that they had inside of them.
So, but yeah, you want to find some kitty touchers.
I don't think you need to mill around, you know, a Papa John's out there in Washington, D.C. Why don't you come on down to Covington, Louisiana and get out there off of McGee Street where I grew up?
And I bet you they still got a couple of wild, tender gents out there trying to be fancy with the young, you know?
What else, man?
What else, dude?
Let's keep it moving.
Dave Chappelle's Age of Spin came out on Netflix, and you can check that out.
You can also check out my special on there while you're there, and it is called No Offense.
You can look that up and drop five stars on it if you don't mind while you're there.
But Dave Chappelle came, has a new special out, his first one in a long time, and it's two specials, actually.
And he's getting ripped up for making homophobic and transphobic jokes and remarks.
And that to me, it's baffling, man.
Here, I'll read a little bit of the article.
The former Comedy Central star cracked jokes about Caitlin Jenner and transgender people.
Quote, whenever I see one of them teas on the street, I'm like, I don't mind them, but man, I miss Bruce, he said to laughter from the audience, talking about Bruce Jenner there.
Then he goes on to say, I knew before you guys knew, he says of gender sexuality.
I heard things on the street in Hollywood.
You know, you used to be out, see people.
Hey, what's up, Kanye?
Why the long face?
Nigga, you'll see.
I got two mother-in-laws now.
That was one of the jokes.
That's funny, man.
You know, that could have been a real moment that Dave Chappelle talked to Kanye West.
He can't share that moment.
He can't share the reality of a moment because someone is going to be offended.
I'm just amazed that If you turn on a comedy show, what do you expect?
Dave Chappelle's not a preacher.
He's not a teacher.
He's not a politician.
He's a comedian.
It's a comedy show.
That's why there's lights, a stage, an audience.
It's just baffling to me the freedom of speech.
There's no, like, yeah, it's freedom of speech, but only if you want to say certain things, right?
And that's not freedom.
You know, I mean, comedians like George Carlin, Richard Pryor, even though they're still like lauded as the best, if they, they wouldn't be able to say what they said today.
And that's crazy.
When you look and say, oh, those guys are the best, but then when you put them through this filter of whatever's going on today and say, oh, they wouldn't be the best.
They would be ostracized.
Something's wrong with the filter, not with the talent.
You know, I mean, it's just ridiculous.
And it seems like the only people you can still make fun of without the media getting upset are rednecks, poor white people, and white people.
And I don't think that that's fair.
You know, I grew up poor and white.
Trust me, it was hard enough, you know, feeling less than.
You know, that was hard enough.
I didn't need people making fun of me.
It feels miserable, you know, being poor and, you know, surrounded by a lot of, you know, just ignorance and destitution and, you know, addiction and all the things that come with a poor environment, pediophiles, kickballing men.
You know, just feel like there was enough going on with that where we don't need to be the last group of people that it's okay to make fun of as far as, you know, mainstream media is concerned.
And maybe that's just my feelings.
And, you know, I'm sorry if I'm getting caught up in my feelings here a little bit, but it's like anybody else gets made fun of, Latinos, blacks, gay, transgender.
That's all, you know, horrible.
But if you still want to make fun of poor or ignorant white people, that's okay.
I just, it's not okay to me, you know.
I feel like fucking, let's make fun of everybody, you know?
I mean, we're making fun.
We're making fun, you know?
So it's just baffling, man.
I support Dave Chappelle.
I support all comedians, you know.
I mean, I have friends that are every creed and color and style, asexual even comedians.
And I love all their material.
You know, it just, I'm like, what the fuck are we doing?
What are we doing?
You know, I'm not doing it.
That's for damn sure, dude.
I am not doing it.
All right, guys, I'm going to drop a few dates on you, and then we're going to move on to some callers.
And I'll talk a little bit more about my weekend as we go through it.
Upcoming dates, I'll be performing in Sacramento, April 21st through 23rd, and that is at the Punchline in Sacramento.
May 25th through 28th, I'll be in Tampa, Florida at Side Splitters Comedy Club.
June 1st through June 4th, I'll be in Pittsburgh, where I caught Pink Eye one time up there in the Monongahela.
And I actually got a blowjob there behind a giant eagle, which is just a Kroger.
It's a chain grocer.
And that'll be June 1st through 4th at Pittsburgh Improv.
And then I'll be at the Calusa Casino Resort, June 9th.
And honestly, I don't even know where that is.
So those are those dates.
And yeah, I'm sorry if I am getting a little, you know, maybe I am getting a little political today, man.
You know, just a lot.
I mean, it's tough.
It is tough to navigate through life sometimes, especially these days for me.
And sometimes I just get agitated, you know, and sometimes I let it happen to me.
I let it happen by even reading the news.
You know, I should have stayed out of the dang news, man.
I should have just read my book.
I got this new book about truck drivers.
All right, let's get to some callers, man.
I want to thank everybody for hitting the hotline.
Now, if you're not familiar with the hotline, that number is 985-664-9503.
That's an American number that you can call and express your thoughts, feelings, concerns, issues that you're dealing with.
I'm not a licensed dude, you know, but I've had a lot of experiences and I'm happy to share them with you and offer any suggestions that I can.
And we're talking about masturbation and some of those issues, you know, and I grew up, you know, I've dealt with that over the years, you know, watching the pornography and dealing with the self-skeet, you know, alone pleasures.
You know, I'm no stranger to it.
First time I got into masturbation, you know, I found some, you know, some titty literature and fancy booklets in my brother's closet.
And I found a bottle of peach, I think peach alize at the same time.
And that was a liquor or a liqueur of sorts.
It was pretty much an African-American liquor, I think, at the time.
But I found a bottle of it in my brother's closet.
And next thing you know, I was into the, you know, I was getting dark.
You know, I was, you know, spraying out and enjoying the pleasures of pornography and liquor.
So, and some of that stuck with me for a while.
You know, throughout my life, I've noticed that, you know, instead of going on dates, I would just, you know, watch pornography.
And a lot of my friends have reached out to me recently, my friends, and said that they're dealing with some of the same stuff and they're, you know, doing naughty things by themselves, even though they have wives and families and everything.
And it's really an issue because that stuff's pretty wild out there.
And We're going to get to some calls here.
We had a couple people call in about it.
And I want to thank everybody who called in.
I'll try to get to the ones that I can, ones that are appropriate.
You know, some people called and were actually doing masturbation on the phone on the hotline.
And that's, I don't know who that's for.
That's not for me.
That's for them.
And I didn't want that.
But we got a little bit of that.
And maybe we'll put that in some outtakes at some point.
But for now, we're going to stick to the plan here.
Let's see what we got.
What's up, D.H.?
This is Chris calling from South Florida.
Chris from South Florida.
I'm going to stop him right there.
South Florida, I'm going to say, if you don't know it, it's a hotbed of anarchy.
I'm going to start with that.
Deviants, a lot of deviants end up there.
Jugglers, magicians, pediophiles.
A lot of pediophiles are arrested in Florida.
What else?
People with swords, dolphins, atheists.
They got it all.
So this guy's already in a tough situation.
I'm a big fan of you, big fan of the podcast.
And it seems like I'm kind of struggling with some of the same things you are.
The pornography.
I stopped drinking alcohol like you have.
And the biggest problem for me is that I feel like I have nothing to go to whenever I get stressed out.
I have no way to bring myself that instant pleasure and kind of take me out of my thoughts.
I feel you, man.
I feel you.
You know, I'm going to interrupt you right there and say that, you know, I mean, you hit it on the head.
You got to take yourself out of your thoughts, you know, because that's what's leading you there.
Your thoughts will lead you to actions, and your actions will lead you to better thoughts.
So you're going to have to, you know, I suggest that you're going to have to create some better actions, bro.
So my question for you is, what are some of the things you do to help relax and help to relieve some of your stress other than drinking alcohol and watching pornography?
Well, Chris, I will try to the biggest thing for me is closing the day.
You know, like I can go all day with no issues.
You know, fortunately, I've never had the problem of, you know, wanting to watch pornography during the day or, you know, jerking off in my truck or anything like that.
I remember when I was young, they used to have men that would park back behind the Winn Dixie, which was a shopping, you know, meat and produce grocer, and you'd see them back there jerking off.
But I never had that issue of daytime self-pleasure.
And for a lot of people, the issue is in the evening, you know, and it becomes a habit.
Like a lot of people aren't even enjoying masturbation anymore.
They're not enjoying the pornography.
It's just a habit that they've created.
So you got to create some new habits.
And if it's at the end of the day or in the evening when you're struggling, then that's when you got to create some new habits and you got to practice them.
Sometimes what helps me is to do a meditation, man.
And I know it sounds, you know, wild and cheesy, but when you meditate, you kind of take control of yourself back from your environment.
Because there's so many things that are just wanting our attention these days and getting our attention.
And pornography is a huge one of those.
I mean, dude, you can log on and there's, you know, there's breasts and there's lipstick and, you know, foursomes and brothers wearing sneakers.
Fucking women, you know, I mean, these men are showing up to fuck, dude.
If you got on a couple new balance and a hard cock, bro, that's, I mean, that's, that's some real dictivity, brother.
So, you know, and that stuff can get addicting to watch.
So you gotta, you have to set yourself into a better mode.
And I usually do that with a little bit of meditation.
You can sit down.
A meditation that a friend of mine taught me, you inhale real slowly for eight seconds.
And you count while you're inhaling, and then you hold that inhale for four seconds.
And then you exhale slowly for eight seconds.
Just count it in your head.
And then you wait four seconds before you start to inhale again.
And you just keep repeating that cycle.
Do that for 10 minutes.
And it might sound crazy.
You might only be able to do five minutes at first.
But if you can get to 10 minutes, man, it'll really set you in a more calmer state where you are more in control of what you're going to do next.
And then I'd find, you know, a better activity.
You know, if you need to make sure you leave your phone and your computer in the other room, if you need to read a book.
You know, those are things.
And also, those are things you can do that will help.
And also finding a higher power.
You know, like it doesn't have to be God.
You know, I'm not trying to lead anybody to religion.
But if you can find, you know, somebody, if you don't have someone, a higher power that you can say, you know, look, I don't want to do this anymore.
You know, please take away the desire for me to do this.
And by putting that out there, you know, you're really, you're making, you're voicing what you want, that you don't want to be watching masturbation or pornography anymore.
And that kind of stuff can really help, man, because sometimes even creating a higher power can just create like some accountability for you.
Another thing that I do is this is going to sound kind of weird, but I do like, my mother got me a coloring book, one of those adult coloring books.
I'll use that sometimes just to keep my mind occupied.
I will also read.
And there's meetings you can go to, bud.
I'll be honest with you.
There's sex and love addiction meetings, S-L-A-A it's called.
And there's tons of men in those who can relate to your same exact activities.
But I recommend some spirituality, you know.
I recommend some meditation, just things that are going to help you reclaim yourself because it sounds like you don't want to be doing these things anymore and that these are outside influences that are really reaching for you and getting a hold of you.
So if you can reclaim yourself some, you're going to have a stronger fortitude from which to keep those things from accessing you.
And you can email me as well, man.
You can email me directly through my website.
I can send you some links for local sex and love addiction meetings that are near you where you can meet people who, you know, are dealing with the same stuff, man.
And I appreciate you calling and asking about it.
I hope I was able to offer a little bit of thoughts and guidance there.
All right, let's get another call here.
Hey, Theo.
My name is Ahmad, man.
I love you, Maud.
Ahmad.
Love that name.
Sounds kind of foreign, maybe.
Originally foreign.
Now probably an American name as well.
Desert descendant.
Respect Ahmad.
Beige Power, bro.
Beige Power.
Let's go.
You've got a lot of wisdom.
I'm calling you today because I like what you have to say about masturbation, man.
About, you know, I'm a young guy.
I'm 22. College-age student, good-looking guy.
And I, you know, it's too much, bro.
It's too much.
I'm calling you today to ask you about advice for laying off masturbation and pornography.
Yeah, man.
It's too much.
It's too much, man.
I agree.
You know, and I think it's one of the biggest things that is affecting men our age.
We can't battle it.
Like, how can you, if you're built in limbically, I think that's the term, in your, you know, in your core brain to want to get some puss or want to hunt down a piece of ass or some titty, you're going, I mean, and then you're just flooded with it in high definition.
It is too much.
It's like somebody, it's like the devil got some machine gun, and, you know, and it's filled with pussy bullets.
And they are coming at you constantly.
I feel you, man.
It's too much.
And especially when it seems to me, at least, that in my age group and at my university, this is such a normal thing.
You know, it seems like everybody wants to split on her feet.
Well, I mean, I'm going to stop you there and say that, you know, that's it.
Yeah, it does probably seem like that, and that's probably true, but that isn't a reason to be doing it.
You know, I mean, if everybody's, you know, killing whales with hammers and shit, you can't be out there, you know, swimming around with hardware, dude.
So you got to, you know, it can't be because everybody is doing it.
You know, that's that's not why you're doing it, you know, I'm guessing.
It seems like everybody's still getting laid.
I don't know.
You know, maybe I need to stop taking what it seems like for the actuality.
Any advice to stop masturbation and stop pornography and get back out there to talk to women would be greatly appreciated, Theo.
Have a good time, bro.
Well, there's two different things here, Ahmad.
You got pornography and masturbation, you know?
I mean, I think that masturbation is tougher to stop than to watch in the pornography.
I mean, the pornography, you know, there's special filters you can get to put on your computer.
There's special software you can get so you're not able to access it on your computer.
So that's, you know, those are some small things that can help.
But also, getting out there, period, and finding new things to do are going to keep you from, you know, from the habit of going to pornography.
And I'll tell you this, man, at your age, you're 20, I think you said 22. If you get out there and learn to talk to women now, while everybody else is spraying out and everybody else is, you know, geeking their own meat, you are going to be heads and shoulders above the rest of your class.
Think about it like this.
Like everybody else is going left, you go right.
If everybody else is cranking it out and spraying, you get out there and meet a girl, you know?
It seems like that's going to be a great place for you to start is just by practicing actually communicating with women in real time.
And that alone, even just having some interaction and some fulfillment by having some real communication from the opposite sex, that could start to do wonders for even your desire to want to masturbate or to want to watch pornography.
So maybe that's where I would start.
You know, I'd start communicating with some women of the opposite sex, even if it's small talk or just, you know, if next time a girlfriend introduces you to her friend, you know, even if the friend is not a woman you're attracted to, just practice communicating with her.
Talk, you know, share what's going on.
You know, I think just even building up some of that ability to communicate with women can take you out of using porn to communicate with women or feel like you're fulfilling that void of not having communication with women.
So maybe just getting out there and building real communication, I think, could really help, man.
All right, let's take another call here.
What's up, Dale?
My name's Chris from Nevada over here.
And talking about your pornography.
Nevada.
Nevada.
That's waterbed country.
I'll say that.
Pornography question.
I would just like to say that Out of all the addictions that I have, pornography has to be the worst one.
And it's actually gotten so bad to the point where I can't get off with my girlfriend as much as I should be able to.
And I think it's specifically due to porn.
It's me seeing all these girls with huge hits, huge asses, and a perfect figure, you know, absolute bombshells, you know.
And my girlfriend's not ugly by any means, but she's also not a porn star, you know.
Yeah, I'll say this, Chris, before you even finish that, I mean, yeah, the resolution on pornography is clearer and brighter than actual life.
So, I mean, the sex that we're looking at on the internet, dude, it ain't even as freaking real life piece of ass isn't as HD as the screen ass, you know, it's not even, so yeah, the reality is that your girlfriend could never compete.
She couldn't, because she can't make her ass and genitals in HD.
I mean, she can't make them, you know, as well lit as a lot of these porn stars are, you know?
And I'll say this too, man.
I have some friends that are porn stars.
Porn stars overall, I feel like, look best on screen.
You know, so it's not, it's, it's a, it's a ruse, you know, it's meant to be a fictional universe.
You know, it's a, it's a, it's like, it's like whenever you see like a car, a truck commercial.
You know, they're not showing you the truck when it, you know, isn't working that good or when it's dirty or when, you know, there's nine kids in it or whatever and there's Starbursts, you know, stuck on the, on the carpet and all of that.
They're showing you the glossy when it's bouncing on the rocks and everything, right?
So what you're watching isn't even reality.
Let's just start there.
I think it actually has a big, big impact on me and my sex life.
And I actually would love some advice on how to stop fucking watching it because it actually is becoming a bad thing in my relationship because it's stimulating me so much that now my girlfriend's not doing it for me.
You know, something that's real intangible, something that I can feel for some reason isn't doing it for me.
Like I need to watch porn as we're fucking and stuff.
And it's really becoming a burden on our relationships.
Wow.
Yeah, man.
It sounds like you're in the dragon's den there, dude.
If you're having to watch pornography during sex, yeah, that's a, I mean, that means that you're needing this whole universe that's online.
You're needing all that stimulation as well as real life stimulation.
So you're going to have to find a way to take a step back.
You know, I would suggest you're probably so caught up in your own orgasm, you know, that if you can't come without, if you can't even come anymore when you're doing sex, then I would try and just focus on maybe your girlfriend.
I would start there.
I'd focus on your girlfriend and not even worry about your own orgasm, you know, because I mean, I'm sure she's probably really suffering at the hands of this if you are having a real addiction to pornography, you know, and to all that butt work and if you're watching all of that.
So I would try to bring her to orgasm and just worry about that, man.
You know, get your chick gazzing up.
And I mean, I think maybe hopefully that will help inspire you, you know, and help inspire a little bit more, you know, feeling into your wiener and everything.
You know, I think that that's probably a good place to start is just to focus on her.
And sometimes that can be, you know, if you really need to build a connection, like I used to lay next to my ex-girlfriend and just lay next to her for a while until I really felt connected before I started really revving up the sex, the sex activity.
And sometimes that would help, you know, just really trying to feel, you know, feel her body and just feel that physical connection, you know, that connectivity.
And second of all, man, if you're going to keep watching porn, I would try and, if you feel like you're not, if a woman's body in real life isn't doing it for you and you're going to continue to watch it, watch some other stuff.
You know, watch big girls or watch, you know, you know, African American or Indian women or watch, you know, bald women or, you know, short girls or something where it's going to, you're at least going to see a plethora of things.
So you're not going to be so figmented or so focused on just a couple of images in your head, you know, that you're trying to aspire or make your girlfriend become in real life this, you know, big tittied, you know, little sex kitten, you know.
Find some women that are a little more burlesque, you know, a little bit more, you know, Statue of Liberty kind of hiding under the dress, you know.
And I think at least that'll probably at least give your mind, you know, a larger or a wider idea of what women, what real women are, you know, that they're, you know, all different shapes and sizes and that their bodies are real things.
And then second of all, man, again, I'm going to say that the SLAA meetings, you know, look it up online, Sex and Love Addiction, Anonymous, I think it's called.
And you can go there and you can get a sponsor.
And I mean, you can really solve your problems, bro.
I mean, you really, really can.
And you can do it with a sponsor and somebody that's going to kind of hold you accountable.
Because, I mean, you said it out of the gate that you called it an addiction.
So if you're already there where you know it is, it sounds like you might want to get some pro help on that because, you know.
But I feel you, it's powerful, dude.
We're battling, I mean, just the titties alone.
And the crazy thing is after a while, you don't even see the titties.
You're just looking at the crotches, and you're just looking at things that are glistening and the magic.
And the, you know, all these ladies are doing spreading everything, and you don't even notice their kneecaps or their feet or anything.
You just crotch-centric, really, you know, and people got their buttholes out, and it's man, it's heavy.
It's heavy, dude.
So, yeah, I would try that.
I would try to focus on just pleasuring your girlfriend.
Make it about her so that that way you're not stuck in your own head.
And then I would try maybe seeing about an SLAA, man.
Check it out.
You know, it's a real program that's out there and it's everywhere.
And there's a lot of dudes struggling with it.
And it's real stuff, man.
All right, guys.
I actually got to go to sleep soon.
So I'm going to call this.
I appreciate the calls.
I had another one that I wanted to get to.
Someone had called in about what it's like to move to Los Angeles, but I'll tap into that next week.
You know, I appreciate you guys joining me for this past weekend and listening to some of this.
If you have any constructive criticisms or suggestions about how to make the podcast better, write them in the comments, you know, on YouTubes or on SoundClouds and let me know.
You know, I'm learning as I go.
You know, I'm just trying to share some of the experiences that I've had and just, you know, just trying to be there for each other if we can.
And I appreciate you guys calling in with your issues because it makes me realize that issues that I have in my life, that I'm not alone, you know, that these are real things that a lot of men and women are dealing with.
Because I want to be in a comfortable relationship where I can enjoy sex and enjoy touching, you know, just touch a woman's shoulder and feel good, like maybe and feel sexy, you know, and feel maybe an erection, you know, like they used to do in the 50s or the 60s, you know, and just come home and have your lady baking a cake or something.
And you do, and you guys do sex in the kitchen.
And it doesn't have to be, you know, that there has to be pornography or dirty toys around or, you know, or, you know, flavored lubricants or anything like that.
So I'm hopeful, man.
I am hopeful.
I'm going to say that.
I am hopeful.
And with that, I think that's what I'm going to lead us out of here with today, man.
A little bit more hope, you know?
Because that's where we started at.
So that's where we're going to leave at.
And I hope we didn't get too political and stuff this week, man.
I didn't mean to.
I just sometimes get agitated.
You know?
But I'm going to hold on, man.
Bless my heart.
Bless my soul.
Didn't think I'd make it to 22 years old.
22 years old?
That's you, Ahmad.
Quit skeeting, bruh.
Back off that cock, daddy.
You better than that.
Let your nuts fill up, bruh.
You know?
Shut that computer down, man.
Crack a book.
Get you some Mark Twain or some Chuck E. Dickens, you know?
Get back to your roots, you know.
get back to something real.
*music*
Bless my bless yours too, man.
What I'm gonna do.
Bubble ball.
Say it come on, bitch.
Somebody up above, baby.
You got to hope.
Find some faith, man.
Ask somebody else if they're having a problem, too.
That can really help you because, you know, if you can find a friend that's dealing with the same stuff, then y'all can deal with it together, man.
Everything's easier to deal with, not alone.
You know, I spent a lot of my life trying to battle everything alone.
Feeling like, you know, just feeling like, I don't know, maybe like I wasn't a man if I couldn't solve it myself.
You know?
But that's not true.
None of that's real.
The only thing that's real is that you have a problem and that you need to solve it.
And that's kind of vanilla icy, but, you know, just don't do it alone.
You know, that's the reality that it's going to be easier to solve if you got somebody else helping you or if you're helping someone else, man.
Share your experience.
You know, you'll be surprised who will be able to relate to you.
That's all we're trying to do here is share some experiences.
I'm exhausted, man.
I had a great weekend, and this was really the pinnacle of it was getting to just sit here and chat with you guys.
And thank you guys for supporting the podcast.
If you want to call in next week, you know, call in.
Let me see what's going on.
We'll just make it random.
You know, try to lay off the masturbation for a week.
But I know that I'm not going to skeet out tonight, man.
I think I got enough fodder in my brain.
I'm going to save it up.
Save it for something special.
Maybe a holiday coming up, you know?
Maybe Easter.
Find me a little Easter bunny out in the wild and share my seed the old-fashioned way, you know, in a real scenario.
All right, you guys be good, man.
Take care.
Bonsoir.
Bonsoir.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
The answer may shock you.
Sometimes I'll interview my friends.
Sometimes I won't.
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
You have three new voice messages.
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.
I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.
So great.
Hi, Sui.
Easy deal.
Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.
Jamain.
Hai!
I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry.
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
▲
Export Selection