| Time | Text |
|---|---|
|
The Princess Problem
00:03:59
|
|
| Good evening, everybody. | |
| It is me. | |
| Me alone. | |
| Alone. Alone. | |
| All right. | |
| So, I'm afraid to say that we are low energy. | |
| Why are we low energy? | |
| We made a fatal error. | |
| We made a fatal error. | |
| Fatal. A very, very... | |
| We watched Snow White. | |
| We did. | |
| We watched Snow White. | |
| Oh, rather to say, we were trapped in the soulless... | |
| Snow White stole our soul. | |
| We were trapped in the soulless, dead-eyed universe of Snow White, the new Snow White based upon the 1937 movie. | |
| Hey, quick question. | |
| Do you know what the original story was? | |
| What? I don't actually. | |
| So the original story was rewritten a bunch of times, but one of the sort of core original story, there is a prince, and he buys Snow White's sleeping corpse. | |
| From the dwarves. | |
| Guys won't even ask for numbers nowadays. | |
| They've been doing all that back then. | |
| Come on, guys. | |
| Love your game. | |
| He basically goes to the dwarves and haggles for her corpse-like body. | |
| And then what happens is they're carrying her in a glass coffin to deliver her to the prince's lair. | |
| She's getting human travel. | |
| She really is. | |
| And then they drop her. | |
| And she falls, tumbles down the stairs in her lifeless way in the glass shards, but that dislodges the piece of apple from her throat. | |
| That is so funny. | |
| There's no kiss at all. | |
| And they changed it. | |
| Now, Rachel's... | |
| I should have just kept that. | |
| That's funny. | |
| Bring her to my lair, the body. | |
| I don't know, man. | |
| I mean, if they're trying to be all diverse and stuff, right? | |
| Bring her in the oil to the vault of virgins. | |
| Yeah, it's a little odd. | |
| It's a little odd. | |
| And the original, not the original, but the Disney one, I believe, there's an age gap of 14 and 31. So many years ago, there was a comedy show where people did improv, and one of them was, be the worst person to audition for the role of Romeo in Romeo and Juliet. | |
| And there's only two that I remember. | |
| He's a straight man. | |
| One is... | |
| I'm kidding. | |
| One is... | |
| Well, it's not all about looks, you know. | |
| It's about charisma. | |
| That's one. | |
| And the other was... | |
| So this... | |
| Juliet, she's like... | |
| 14? No, that's crazy. | |
| It's kind of old, though. | |
| So bad. | |
| Oh, does the P and Diddy meet? | |
| Oh, Prince. | |
| P Diddy. | |
| Prince Diddy. | |
| Yes! Now, do you know... | |
| Do you know that there is a... | |
| Have you heard... | |
| Someday my prince will come. | |
| There's a famous song from the early one. | |
| Of course, they couldn't do it. | |
| Because she is a little princess who's kind of one-shotted into radicalism by a scurvy, greasy-haired leftist thief living in the woods. | |
| That guy was mad ugly. | |
| I'm sorry. | |
| Did you get ugly? | |
| Yeah. Yeah? | |
| He was crusty-dusty. | |
| Crusty-dusty-musty. | |
| Why did he never need to shave? | |
| I don't think that man has seen hygiene in 20 years. | |
| He had the Robin Patterson, what are you going to wash your hair with? | |
| Dirt. Dirt. | |
| No, he was... | |
| I'm sorry, guys. | |
| He was mad ugly. | |
| I don't have high standards. | |
| I really don't. | |
| I think you can, like... | |
| But, I mean, like... | |
| She's managed to lower the magnificent standards of her mother. | |
| No, he can, like, not vet. | |
| He can vouch for me. | |
| I don't have super high standards for guys, but that guy was just not it. | |
| So, other than the greasy, floppy, deep-fried hair... | |
| Like, you can be ugly and still have charisma. | |
| You seem depressed. | |
| I've seen, like... | |
| I've liked some guys who I would say are definitely below average, but they have charisma and, like, personality and flair. | |
| Flair! Flair! | |
| No, but they have some charisma to them. | |
| He was like, dead-eye. | |
| Even in the song, Princess Problem. | |
| I don't remember the tune, but it was catchy. | |
| I say that. | |
| I know I don't remember the tune, but whatever. | |
| The Princess Problem ones, he could have said it with some flair. | |