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April 12, 2025 - The Roseanne Barr Podcast
01:24:00
Absolutely Fabulous W/ Shannon Hughey #94
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Greetings Earthlings and Roseanarchists and animals who are smarter than any humans.
You know, today's just going to be a day where we just bullshit around and talk about what's going on in the world.
Try to have something light instead of all the darkness that I'm obsessed with.
Yeah, you need a break.
Yeah, I need a break and so does everybody else in the world today.
Plus, My genius girlfriend, Shannon's in town, and I always take a break from darkness when Shannon's around because she really knows how to be happy, which is really something genius.
Welcome to the Roseanne Barr Podcast.
Oh, you see, my patience is growing.
Well, here we are, back with Shannon.
Hi, Shannon.
Hi, honey.
Third time.
Third time.
Three is a term.
Yeah, three is a term.
Well, we certainly did have fun, didn't we?
We've been together for about a week.
Has it been a week?
Well, I got here on Friday, and it's Wednesday.
You have no concept of time.
No, I don't.
Well, that's because she's always on her computer looking at doom and gloom and doom scrolling, so that's why I'm glad you came.
Yeah, I'm not doom scrolling.
I'm trying to weigh what's happening.
And glean a way of looking at it to roll it back on itself with words.
I'm doing a lot of mental acuity work, you know?
I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.
It's up to me to save everything.
I mean, I really do feel that way sometimes.
Yeah, you did that podcast.
You talked about Candace Owens.
You got a little backlash for that.
I got backlash for that?
Just because I said she's a monster.
Yeah, and you apologized to her, which was really nice.
I did?
Yeah. You did.
You told me to say that you were sorry, and you only prayed against her, but you didn't really want to hit her.
Oh, yeah.
I did apologize for saying I was going to slap her like a bitch.
That is not true, because I never go outside.
But I would never take a violent act towards anyone.
Like when I said I'd slap Nancy Pelosi, that's just...
All allegory or what have you.
Or me.
I know.
I always say I'll slap people.
But I never will really slap people, so I did apologize for that, yeah.
But, you know, I just will pray that God opens her eyes and she sees what the hell kind of projection she's...
I don't know what the hell she's up to.
Hey, man, whatever it is, we're done talking.
We're going to take a break from the impending World War III, like you said this week.
Shannon's here.
Shannon doesn't even know nothing about the world at all.
I know.
I do, too.
Well, she knows what's important.
No. She keeps me informed of the real world.
I was gone for a month.
I went to Italy and then I did a job in Charleston, South Carolina.
And I didn't see the news for one month.
I didn't know anything was going on.
I just was living my life.
Did that feel any different to you than your regular life?
But I didn't have any drugs or booze with me.
My friends, no one drank except a bottle of wine at dinner.
That must have been hard.
No, it was okay.
It was good.
You know, I just took a break from everything.
The news, the drugs, the sex, the alcohol, all the stuff that matters.
That's the stuff most people do on vacation, but that's your normal life.
So when you go on vacation, you act like a normal person.
That's hilarious.
I didn't know what was going to happen because I was asked to go, all expenses paid, and I didn't know the two other people.
One was a lib.
And I got in a fight with her, I told you.
She started talking about Hamas and stuff and the Gaza Strip.
And I go, they should think out of the box and do what Trump said and make it all into a beachfront community and everyone can have a beautiful place to live and jobs.
And she goes, how dare you?
That's their homes and that's their land.
And I said, it's a pile of rubble.
And then the girl in the car, we're in like a cab, all together tight.
She's texting me, stop fighting with her.
That's awesome.
But you did go to the Vatican and you were impressed, right?
Because you had never been to Rome before?
No, I went with Marco when I was 33 and now I was 64. But those ladies were all really rich, right?
And didn't they go buy in Gucci and all that stuff?
Yeah, and they wanted to go to Gucci, and I'm like, can I just go to Zara and H&M?
And they're like, they're all like...
Standing in the corner with their arms folded.
Did you go with them into Gucci and look at all that stuff?
I went into Gucci and saw that they had a Gucci museum and they were shopping and I went to the Gucci museum.
You didn't even see what was for sale over there?
I can't afford Gucci.
Well, don't you want to look at it?
I can't afford it neither, but I like to look at it.
Plus, none of it fits me.
You have that Gucci golden sequin thing.
God, remember the day I saw that and I was like, I'm going to buy that.
I don't care what it costs.
It's like $3,000 or $4,000 or something.
It was $10,000.
Did you buy it?
Hells yeah.
I circled it about 50 times.
She wore it in the Tom McDonald video.
Oh, that was the Gucci outfit?
Yeah, I've had it for 15 years, I think.
I circled around that store three or four times and I go, you're doing it.
Sometimes I'll go, you're doing it.
You ain't got nothing.
You're doing it.
Dude, you earned everything.
Oh, but I just fear wealth.
Really? What do you mean?
I fear getting jewelry that ain't fake.
Still? You have some really nice jewelry.
It's all fake.
We went through it.
The insurance.
There were some really...
Expensive stuff.
What about your big diamond?
Is that still in the safety?
Well, yeah, but I got rid of most of them.
I mean, it's from a long time ago.
Yeah, it was like 40 years ago.
You don't wear diamonds anymore.
I sold all them when I figured out all diamonds are blood diamonds.
I went, okay, I'm divesting myself of the bullshit world now.
You know, they do lab-grown now that are conflict-free.
They're not conflict-free.
They're crushed up, sacrificed children.
Oh, a Roseanne Bar podcast.
It's true.
Ladies and gentlemen, that's what they do.
A lot of people are getting the lab grown.
They're crushed up.
Sacrified children.
I'm going to look this up, but in the meantime, tell people about Super Feels.
Let me get commercial.
I mean, this is good stuff, because we do drink a lot on this show.
This show is probably, like...
Where we do most of our drinking, right?
See my water.
So now we're trying to be healthier.
But anyway, I'll let you tell the people.
Okay, yeah.
Well, I don't drink that much.
You look cute.
Can I just tell you how cute you look?
I decide what the hell.
I'm going to pretend I'm 12 again.
I love this outfit.
I'm in my second childhood.
That's okay.
What with my dementia or whatever it's called.
Dementia. Onset dementia.
Listen, sometimes I need to wind down after a long day.
And I look forward to super feels.
Listen, sometimes I need to wind down after a long day and I keep saying the same thing.
But I look forward to a glass of wine or a joint with friends.
But lately I've been trying to cut back on the booze.
I'm always getting in trouble at Mar-a-Lago for drunkenly...
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CB. No, that's the next ad.
Oh. Pause it.
Leave that.
No, Phyllis Steeler did it because they also have another one that's like more for like, it's got like lion's mane in it and mushroom.
It sharpens you.
Oh, that's cool.
We ate lion's mane mushrooms this week.
This place, they have two.
They were terrible, by the way.
You didn't cook them good.
I knew I should have cooked them.
I knew I should have.
I told you it's butter, butter, butter.
I did a ton of butter.
Don't move around the mic.
You're talking into it.
It's a podcast.
I know.
Sorry. The word soggy.
No, honey.
If it's in butter, you've got to cook them until they're crisp.
Cook it until it's crisp.
That was soggy.
It was like eating a mop.
It was horrible, ma'am.
But superfoods, like the Lion's Man stuff is actually really good for your mind, so I don't think people eat it for flavor, do they?
I made it so good, didn't I, Shannon?
Oh, okay.
Mine was like a steak.
Yeah, it was.
Did you go to Central Market to get the mushrooms?
Oh, yes, Shannon loves it.
Did you see the mushroom section where they grow?
I showed her everything that there was there.
It's the best store in the world.
Best store, that's why.
It's like an air wine.
It's like an Erewhon if it were an actual grocery store and not just like...
Erewhon? I don't know how to describe Erewhon.
Erewhon's like all those...
Erewhon is a meat market for vegetarians.
Yeah, that's a good line.
But this here central market is a dream come true for the aged as they're crawling through every aisle looking for a bargain.
It's just wonderful.
Here's what I saw is we spent $400.
God, the cookie aisle.
Their bakery aisle.
And I didn't allow myself to get anything sweet.
That's true.
But we spent $400 on Sunday.
And on Tuesday, I'm like, there's nothing to eat.
Yeah. But we did have all kinds of fresh.
Delicious. Well, you're French.
Boozy wine.
Oh yeah, my wine was off the charts.
The food was probably $20.
No, it was good though.
No, it's the best grocery store I've ever seen.
No, it is.
It's beautiful.
Hands down.
Because it's actually a grocery store.
See, I always get on that Ben E. White Highway and go around in a loop for 45 minutes.
Why don't you use...
Why do I always...
I do.
I use that fucking...
I use that fucking Waze and that shit.
Stop using Waze.
I don't know.
It's in the car.
She has it in her phone.
And it doesn't go right.
It doesn't tell me to go the right way.
And it made me go in a circle over and over and over.
No, and she was freaking out.
Yeah, were you screaming at Shannon?
I do that too.
No, she wasn't.
I wasn't screaming at Shannon.
I haven't snapped since.
Remember that one time?
I haven't snapped for years, have I, girl?
Did you tell him about that?
She did, but she didn't tell the podcast, I don't think.
You should tell your audience.
No, she hadn't until when I snapped.
Because you know I haven't snapped in so long.
You've been great.
No, you have been so...
Okay, so I met you in...
The Thorazine shots.
Huh? Nothing.
I met you in 1997, and...
I snapped all the time back then, didn't I?
On the talk show, yeah.
Everyone would be like, Shannon, you've got to go in and calm her down.
That's what I do now.
And so I kind of know to let her vent, to let her scream and get all of her angry shit out.
And then I go, okay, I understand.
So we're in a room, a fitting room.
And we had spent like two hours going through the whole Neiman Marcus.
Trying to find a fucking large...
This was for an event, right?
No, no.
We were just shopping at Neiman Marcus.
And there was a sale rack and she got all kinds of cute stuff in her sizes.
And so we put...
And I kept giving them to the sales girl.
And so then we go into the room, the fitting room.
She was...
Beyond a genius.
And the girl go, I go, where's all this stuff?
And she goes, oh, I thought you already tried it on.
And I go.
No, but to say how many times she came to get the bundles.
And I said, we're still looking.
Yeah, she did do that.
I go, we're still looking, but we're coming.
We're coming.
We'll be there in a few.
And just in your defense, there were no clothes on the floor.
There was nothing like you had tried anything on.
We had hung stuff up.
And so then the girl comes in the room and she's like, where the fuck's all my stuff?
She'd put it all back?
She had put...
Three quarters of it back.
Oh my god.
And she goes, I've just spent like two hours looking for this whole floor for everything.
And you put it.
And she goes, oh my god, I'm so sorry.
She goes, what the fuck?
Like, I don't want you as my sales girl.
You gotta get out of here.
And she was freaking out.
I can't remember.
Didn't she say her mom died or something?
No excuse.
That was somebody else.
Didn't she say I'm sorry with all the fires?
Yes. Yes, it was in LA.
I was so pissed.
She goes, my sister lost her house.
Yes, that's right.
That was very good.
You don't have dementia.
Anyway, she goes, I'm sorry.
I'm just not paying attention because I'm calling my sister because she's just lost her house.
And she goes, I don't give a fuck.
And she said, she looked at my face.
No, I said, I don't give a fuck.
My sister lost her house too, but she still has to work!
Oh my god, that's horrible.
This is during the fires, right?
They were still raging outside.
But we all still have to work!
And we're like in close proximity.
And then I looked at Shannon, and she had her face like she used to have.
Horrified? No, like...
Like that.
She was like, okay, honey.
So then I go, you better get out of here to the chick.
You know, I'm like, we'll get, you know.
She goes, I want a new salesperson!
I'm not using you!
And I was just like, it's okay, honey.
And then she vented.
She did her thing.
And I'm like, I totally understand.
Yes, we had cultivated two hours of clothing.
And then we got a new girl, and then she calmed down, and she goes, oh, I feel bad.
Like, I haven't done that in a long time.
Yeah, I haven't seen it in years.
Were you stressed out that week?
It's been years.
I just fucking snapped.
Wait, didn't you forget to take your pills?
Oh, yeah, I hadn't.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Disclaimer. Yeah, no, I think I'm the one that asked.
Yeah, I missed my meds.
Yeah, I remember asking, because you do get a little crazy.
Every time I snapped, it's because I didn't take my pills.
Isn't it weird?
There's science to it.
Did you take your pills?
No, I know.
I have it on my phone.
Time for your medications.
Medication time.
Like in Cuckoo's Nest.
No, I think I was the one that asked you that.
Because when everybody gets off their meds, especially if you go cold turkey, that's what all the school shootings are.
You do go nuts.
If you ever try and adjust your meds, you have to do it with a medical professional.
You can't just skip a pill.
Wait, what about the ketamine?
Should we talk about that?
Yeah, we've done a whole episode on it a few times.
She did a little tune-up.
How did that go?
You did a tune-up last week?
That's why you were in Austin.
It was the craziest.
You know how I don't live on the planet of Earthlings?
Yes. I live on another.
Nothing that happens to me happens to anybody else.
And I just have tried to ignore it forever.
Then sometimes it gets to be too heavy and I have to deal with it.
So it was, in the ketamine treatment, I saw this one very intricate pattern over and over and over.
Because, you know, it's like it's knitting your brain back together of all the severed loose parts.
Wow. Is it a visual pattern you're saying?
Yeah. Okay.
Great analogy.
So then I go from there to the rental house.
Yeah. It was in the middle of a train.
I was in the yard, but that was okay.
They swore to us it was quiet.
Well, the house is quiet.
But anyway, so I walk in.
I walk in.
You leave.
Because I had to go immediately lay down because I get fatigued from that treatment.
Everybody does it, doesn't it?
You usually have to sleep the first day.
So when I woke up four hours later, I proceed to go out to get something to eat.
And by God, I swear, hanging on the wall by the kitchen is a painting that is exactly the pattern.
I haven't heard any of this.
That's amazing.
Wow, I haven't either.
What was the pattern?
It was just a continuing black and white square thing.
Okay. But that's crazy.
That's a sign.
What do you mean?
She saw the pattern that she saw.
No, I know, but continuing square pattern.
She'll show us later.
It's probably like an Escher painting or something.
Yeah, kind of like that.
So when you saw it, did it trigger something post-cadamina?
You just were like, wow, that's cool.
It was like, I feel, and with meditation too, that the more centered you become, the more, and I gave this in my speech on Purim, the more you see that.
You're able to connect all the synchronicities and the coincidences so that you begin to see they're not coincidences.
And the synchronicities are the way to see how God moves in the world.
And he's like knitting all the ends together right now.
And so it was like all that.
And then I'm always on that planet trying to deal with humans.
And they're like...
Would you like fries with that?
Fries with your Coke?
Or they put your clothes back?
What? Or they put your clothes back in the dressing room when you have to scream at them?
I'm like, I hadn't been out because everything was on fire.
Yeah. Remember?
And I went to the valley because I was watching everything burn.
And then the valley fire started the day.
The minute I got away, it started a half a mile from that house.
But the Airbnb...
So we put...
My mom and an Airbnb to recover because the ketamine treatment is an hour from here.
Right. We used to drive her all the way home.
She'd have to sit in the port.
They had to sit in the car for an hour winding before she got to bed.
She'd sleep, but I just felt bad.
So we put her in.
Yeah, that was good.
So I guess my question is, I've never done ketamine.
So obviously you trip when you're doing it.
Like you're tripping.
I filmed you.
Remember the fingers?
But when I pick you up, every time I've ever picked you up, you're actually okay.
You're a little wobbly.
Woozy. Yeah, I just feel tired.
Yeah, woozy.
But when you go home and you wake up four hours later and you see a pattern, are you remembering the trip from ketamine or do you start tripping again is my question.
No, it just blew my mind that it was there.
So you just recalled the trip and you're like, whoa.
Yeah, because it was so fresh in my mind.
Okay, that's cool.
That's really cool.
I don't know if it's cool as much as it's weird.
The weird word.
You know how they say wayward?
But weird word.
The weirdness of things always in my life.
I mean, I think God's really funny.
It's kind of a laugh there between me and God or something.
I've always felt coincidences like that were a nod from God.
But you know what, you guys?
There are no coincidences.
There are only synchronicities.
You know, my best friend is my granddaughter, and the other day I was getting her out of her car seat, and the wind blew so hard it knocked my shoulder into the side of the car, and it hurt like hell.
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Specific product availability.
Depends on individual state regulations.
That makes sense.
Not every state is the same.
Not every state is cool.
We broke a big story last week.
I was going to say with Patrick Byrne that China...
I believed every word he said.
We haven't got to follow up on this.
Did you watch the episode?
Yeah, I did.
Chinese military intelligence in Serbia hacked...
Our machines.
In 2020.
And they've done it for 25 plus years to destroy the West from the inside.
In 75 countries.
I totally believe it.
Them Chinese are smart.
I guess eating fucking snake meat and kitty cats and dogs and shit.
I've seen all them videos.
I guess it makes you smart or something.
Can I tell you the first meal when I got there?
What? You know, they had one of those Lazy Susan things going around the table, and there was like 10 of us at a table.
And the first thing I saw was deep-fried baby birds with their wings.
Oh, the French do that, though.
They're horrible.
The French do it, too, though.
And then they grabbed an eel out of the fucking aquarium thing and chopped it all up and fried it.
And it was alive?
Oh, they fried it?
No. I like American Chinese food.
I was like, more rice and plum wine.
That's all I lived on.
You were there for how long?
Six months?
Three months.
Oh, three months.
And that's when Tony broke up with me.
No, you got married on the talk show.
You were married?
I didn't know this.
She got married on the talk show to a Janis Joplin Chandler married her and her boyfriend.
In Hawaii.
Remember? In Hawaii.
And you said Johnny was jealous of him.
He was a very talented musician.
I loved him, actually.
Well, Johnny don't like nobody.
Will Johnny ever see this?
Yes, he watches the movie.
Yeah, he'll see it.
Okay, cut this out.
No, Johnny's...
We've said good invention.
I love Johnny.
Johnny's great.
Johnny, with everything aside...
He's a cancer.
He's a big boy.
He can take it.
Seriously? 100%.
All right.
So anyways, you go marry Tony over in Hawaii, and you're the girl that married you.
The girl that married you was the Janis Joplin channeler that was on the talk show, right?
Yes. What was her name?
Linda. Linda, that's right.
Did you believe she was really channeling Janis Joplin?
I did.
And remember when me, you, and Doug did...
I don't remember who it was, but she said you and I were siblings.
And we were medicine women by a creek, and I was your older sister taking care of you.
Do you remember that?
No, not really.
In our past life or something?
Doug Rukavina was there.
What was Doug doing?
We loved Doug.
And she told him he was Michael the angel.
Oh, she did?
He was super sweet.
He had no bad intentions.
You said you're actually the angel or you're...
It was like you're Michael the angel or, you know, Michael.
I love Doug, remember?
I think he has...
A couple of twin daughters or something.
He married a girl.
He has a weird family too.
But he was my favorite assistant ever.
Because remember he could turn his legs backwards from the knee down and walk like that?
No, I don't remember that.
And he could turn his feet all the way around and then go walk like five or six steps with his feet going backwards.
I wonder if that's good and bad.
No. Like a gymnast.
Wait, sorry, we're getting off track.
The ketamine thing, I never got to finish this yet.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The patterns, I want to hear more about this because it's actually pretty deep.
You're talking about the interconnectedness of God.
I thought that was a cool thing.
Knitting the loose ends.
Yeah, you keep saying knitting.
The loose ends together.
I think it's interesting.
If you want to talk about it more, I'd like to hear more about it.
It helps.
Well, that's just what God's doing right now in the world.
I think so, too.
And it's helping reduce your anxiety.
Yeah, it has helped reduce my...
Well, it's not really my anxiety.
My anxiety is the only thing that keeps me going.
And for that to be reduced would not be good.
You're an anxiety whore.
Yeah, it keeps me going, you know.
It's your fuel.
Well, it keeps me going because...
It's kind of like if I don't have anxiety to continue, like in cartoons, where the characters, they're trying to run away, and at first their leg spins in a circle and they go...
If I don't keep on doing that, I will go down in the quicksand of the dark.
The dark fucking depression and shit.
The deep fucking depression of the reality.
Have you considered that that's not the best...
Way to live.
Have you ever considered an alternative?
There is an alternative.
The dark horror of the reality.
You mean there's no way to just be at peace in the moment without either anxiety or depth of horror?
Only when she's fucked up.
I mean, I can't find it.
Have you ever tried?
I have to be, when I'm in anxiety, what are you doing?
She's fixing her hair.
She can't help it.
Well, she is my hair and makeup artist.
But you're a guest now.
Yeah, you're off the clock.
She's never off the clock.
No, I wanted to fix her hair.
One time we were in the bathroom because I was going to do an interview.
Howard Stern.
No, it wasn't Howard Stern.
Because you were doing my makeup and bothering me and chattering and doing...
Slamming my face and my lips and everything.
Incessant chattering.
And then a guy comes in and he goes, ladies, this is audio.
Wow. Same thing.
It was audio.
And I'm like, fucking Shannon!
This is on the fucking radio!
I want you to look beautiful like you, you know, to your full potential.
But I'm just saying, have you ever considered that instead of the dusting up, chaotic, anxious, riddled way that you consider your default?
Oh, but see, I'm only like that when I'm around people.
What happens when you're alone?
You talk to yourself.
Peace. I understand that.
Praying, peace, lovely, sleeping.
Is that true, though?
Because there's no way to know.
Huh? Are you sure you're nicer?
I mean, you're more...
I am always studying and reading.
Like today when we drove home it was like an hour.
And we didn't really talk.
She likes to be alone with her morbid thoughts.
That's what I'm asking.
Is it really peaceful when you're alone or is it just like you're just stressed out about whatever you're stressed out but no one's talking to you?
When I'm alone I'm all talking to God.
Okay. 100%.
That's good.
That's why she likes to be a little.
I'm like, I told you this was going to happen if you didn't listen to me.
I got it.
So when people are around, you can't talk to God.
Yeah, they're interrupting the flow.
I understand that.
Okay. And that's when I'm getting all anxious because I'm like, wait, he's not able to see things correctly without my constant.
That's what I was going to ask next.
You feel you have to control God.
Not control, advise.
You're like God's wife.
I am God's wife.
My sister says that.
My sister said that a long time ago.
And I guess I do feel that way.
I think every woman feels they have to nag a man.
And I love that you're so high up that you feel like you have to nag God.
I don't nag him.
What do you call it?
I used to have material about it.
I said this at a Norman Lear.
When he was faking like he cared about America, because he's a Democrat.
And I was like, yeah, I had a whole routine about God's wife.
Because, you know, it is in deep Torah about that.
And I said, she'd go, I said, we've really been brainwashed to assume that God is a single parent.
I had that material.
And I go, you know, but this is the time.
Where God's wife is like, hey, I let you take it for a long, but now I've got to step in.
Because look at them.
Nothing you're doing is helping.
They're fucking killing each other.
You are going to do it my way now.
Like every mom has to step into every dad.
No, I agree.
This is actually an archetype that works.
And that is what it says is going to happen.
Wow. The middle way, which is what Torah always talks about, not to go to either extreme, right or left, any extreme.
Stay in the middle.
The middle is the path of the mother.
And to ferret, which is the navel, which is mercy, all these things.
And that's what's coming back now.
That's why I say knitting the loose ends together.
Because it's the heart of...
You know, the heart of the cosmos is the heartbeat of the womb.
I do feel God could use a wife.
Well, here I am.
You know, I'm talking to him all the time, like, you know, here's what you got.
You must do, you know, and I say, you know, it's a tragedy that the only people allowed down here to talk about.
You are a bunch of idiot men that can't keep it in their pants for two fucking seconds.
Yeah, they're always like molesting somebody.
And I'm like, and how come, you know, I'm talking and they're like, she's gross.
We can't listen to nothing.
She says, although everything she says does happen and occurs exactly as she says it does, she's fat.
She has a large upper thigh.
It's just too much for me.
But, you know, I keep on talking.
And I'm like, I'm going to hit that sweet spot, whether it's...
I want it to be while I'm alive, because I'm that bitter.
But, you know, God will say, you know, it's going to be a long time after you're gone.
I'm like, yeah, you would do that.
That's not fun.
You want it to happen when you're alive, for sure.
But then I interviewed Frank Zappa when he was dying, and I sort of changed then because I said...
Asked him, how do you want to be remembered?
Because he overthrew communism.
His music overthrew communism.
Can I interject?
No. No, I want to hear this.
And I said, you've done so many heroic and unspoken things because nobody gets it because they're a fucking bunch of dunces.
But I get it.
And how do you want to be remembered?
And he said, I don't.
Wow. I don't give a fuck.
I'll be good.
These people are too fucking stupid to get it anyway.
But he goes, you know what does matter?
I live to see the birth and the death of rock and roll.
And that's all that matters to me.
Was he happy about the death of rock and roll?
He just was happy that he lived to see the birth and the death of it.
Where it all just fucking went corporate.
Yeah, no.
He was a thousand percent right.
I don't know if that's profound.
It is really profound.
I love that.
And he was smoking, too.
And I go, hey, Frank, do you ever think to stop smoking since you got cancer and you're dying of it and everything?
Why stop now?
This is the time to smoke.
That's how I always think.
That's kind of exactly what he said.
Yeah, he's right.
You have cancer.
She took me to Gail Zappa's.
Frank's house.
And we went into his studio, which was mind-blowing.
He was obsessed with Hitler.
There was Hitler shit everywhere.
Nazi shit everywhere he goes.
Really? I don't remember that.
I must have blanked that out.
I don't remember that.
I probably dissociated that the fuck away.
I don't remember that.
I don't remember no Hitler.
Even if he did, it would have been...
He sent me to Gale Zappa's house.
They had a Hitler ship.
No, Gale had Hitler stuff.
No, I'm kidding.
No. It was his studio with gold records and all his albums.
No, a lot of people collect Nazi paraphernalia.
It doesn't mean they're...
Paraphernalia? Is that the word for it?
No, I think it is called Nazi paraphernalia.
I really do.
There's people that collect it all the time.
I would collect it.
I'd collect it too.
I'd like to collect Hitler's balls.
And hang him right on my fucking...
Wait a minute.
Did you guys see the CIA came out with the fucking...
They said he got away.
To Argentina.
We always knew it.
Did you not know this?
No, I haven't heard it.
No, it's one of the...
He died in the 60s.
There's so much shit happening in this country.
After he went over there to Palestine with Arafat and they blew each other.
Hitler? Did you add that or did that happen?
That definitely happened.
Hitler was fine.
What about Ava Braun?
Was she just a beard?
No, no.
They got out.
They got to Argentina.
Because they never really found their bodies.
No, they just had to tell us a story.
Right. He probably lived in New Jersey.
He loved German shepherds.
He wasn't all bad.
I remember my one friend, he wasn't my friend, but it was a comic, and I can't remember his name.
He goes, hey, Hitler.
What an asshole he turned out to be.
I think that was Johnny, wasn't it?
Huh? I think that was Johnny.
No, it was.
I can't remember his name.
Do you know my favorite joke about the Nazis?
What? It was Emo Phillips.
Remember him?
Yes. I do remember him.
He said he was hanging out in New York.
No, was Emo Phillips with a long hair and he was kind of weird?
He was talking about how his friend came to visit him in New York from Germany in the 80s and they were at a bagel shop.
And his German buddy's like, man, we cannot get a good bagel in Germany.
These are amazing here in New York.
And Emo goes, whose fault is that?
It's my favorite joke.
I love that joke.
He was good.
He died.
No, Judy died.
Wait, Judy?
They were married?
Is Emo Phillips still alive?
Judy died.
We have one more ad if you want to knock it out and then we can really just hit the zone.
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Oh good, because you know what?
Shanna's talking me into going on the coffee and the hormones and the suppositories and the extracts or whatever it is.
Well try this first.
This might be better than injecting hormones in your bubble.
Have a sex drive again?
I certainly hope not.
I hope you do.
Come on.
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You had a Peabody.
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And then your brother-in-law tore them all out because he thought there was poison berries.
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Okay, when I was in fifth grade, I found nude Polaroids of my mom that my dad had taken.
Okay. And I was highly sexualized, I think.
From the Polaroids?
Well, no, because, okay.
Will you hand her the ashtray?
Sure, hi.
Shannon, you can sit on the microphone and do all this.
I know, but you're on the podcast.
You need to be near the microphone and the camera.
That's how it works.
Thank you.
So I think I was highly sexualized because my bedroom and their bedroom was right next to each other and I could hear them fucking.
This sounds like a trauma.
But it's how you handle it that makes you traumatic or not.
It was no big deal to your folk.
Did they know you could hear them?
No. My dad would tuck me in every night and say, I love you, and pull the covers over.
Then in the middle of the night, I could hear my mom going, I'm coming!
I'm coming!
And I thought...
Where is she going?
Well, at least he made her complete.
That's cool.
And then my dad had all these, like, Playboy magazines.
I found The Joy of Sex, Lady Chatterly.
Like, I was reading all that shit.
Like, I was in fifth grade going, oh.
All right.
That makes sense.
But when you say, I'm sorry, when you say you could hear them, like, you...
Could hear them.
Did they know you could hear them?
No. Okay.
And then one night I got really scared because it was thundering and lightning and I ran in their bedroom and my mom was blowing my dad.
Can I say this?
Please. My mom was like, honey, it's okay.
And she was like hugging me and breathing on me and I thought, she smells like dick.
No, it was like a pheromone.
How did you know what dick smelled like about you?
Well, no.
I mean like a pheromone smell.
It smelled like sex in the air.
Yeah, it smelled like sex.
I had much the same experience in a way with my parents constantly making out, but it made me wretched.
I was wretched.
I think I was getting off on it.
I had a shower.
That's the difference between us.
You know the shower head with the different pulsating things?
Do I want to hear this?
We already know where this is going.
It doesn't matter if you hear it or not at this point.
I was in the shower and I was like, you know.
I took it off of that thing.
We know it.
And I was like, ooh, wait a minute.
That feels really good.
It's normal.
You know, my friend was a nanny.
Actually, Eli's wife, Michal.
She's a nanny.
Can we say this?
Yeah. It's totally normal.
What makes me laugh is all the lesbians because, you know, my sister's one.
And when all their daughters do it, what they say, they say, You need privacy to do that and you need to go into your own room.
You can't do that in front of people.
That is your own private self and your own private parts.
That's only for you to do by yourself.
That's what you're supposed to say.
Wait, are they gay?
Are the twins gay?
No. No, they're not gay.
Do they have boyfriends?
Yeah, lots of them.
Yeah, lots of them.
Well, one of them is a little bit more boy crazy than the other, I think.
They both like the boys which their moms can't handle.
Talk about karma.
I love it when she goes to her moms.
I'll have to ask my boyfriend if that's okay.
Wait, does Beanie watch this?
Yeah, but this was when the girls were like in third grade.
The lesbians.
Liberal lesbians.
That's great.
I never met Max.
Oh god, it's so funny!
That is great.
When I met Max, we were in Zara with Beanie in San Francisco.
And then the gay guys, their grandkids, turns out to be trans.
Do you think gays are unhappy with the trans children?
Everything they've ever said about gender.
Get shoved up their butt.
Wait, how does that get shoved up their butt?
What are you saying?
Wait, you're saying gay people would be unhappy with a transgender child?
Well, I was talking about gender roles.
Yeah. You know, and then here comes their kid.
But I think they would be more welcoming of a transgender child.
Well, they pretend to.
Yeah. But they're like, what?
You're gonna...
You're gonna become a woman, but keep your dick so you can fuck women?
Huh? Wait, is it chicks with dick?
It's just great.
I think gay grandparents would be okay with that.
I think it's more like the religious religion guy.
Well, they try to be, but the point is...
God's going to get you whatever.
You're going to be uncomfortable with whatever the fuck your grandkids...
Whatever you think you're missing and you're more progressive then, you're going to get it in the shorts no matter what the fuck from your kids.
My dream would be your sister's kids would become like Super Maga.
That would be my dream.
I tried to get them all to go Maga.
They won't do that.
I've tried too.
I think...
Whatever. I think that would bother them more.
No, I'm working on the MAGA thing, and I did do it too, and they won't admit it.
I got Mama to go MAGA.
Beanie's MAGA?
Mama. Mama.
Bubby. Bubby's MAGA?
Bubby's MAGA.
Bubby went MAGA!
I would love that.
She should.
She's like the most Zionist of us all.
I know.
When the Chabad went MAGA, that's when the fucking left lost their shit.
I think so too.
I think Jews and Blacks and Latinos tipped that election.
And obviously the Serbian...
Well, the Amish too.
That was what was really remarkable.
The Amish are MAGA.
Yeah, the Amish are the one that won the election.
They rode on their horses, you know, in my new show.
The Amish and the Native Americans are...
Well, I shouldn't say no more.
We're heroic Americans as well as the Native Hawaiians.
That's who saved this country.
I will tease it though, Shannon, if you'd like.
Yeah, I would love a tease.
Teases are fine.
Of what?
That you have a show that might come about.
You might see it.
I might do it.
You might do it.
This is big news.
Or you might not.
You might not.
You probably will.
Depends on...
The anxiety level.
No, can I tell you something?
We all know right now we've got to strap in.
You too.
What do you mean strap in?
She's going to go crazy if she has to do this show.
She's going to go nuts if she has to do this show.
The next six, seven months.
You know how my mental health is affected my work.
We all have to be prepared.
And if you do do it...
We all have to be...
It's only a two-month gig.
That needs to be longer.
You have to cast.
It's at least three months.
Yeah. But we're getting ahead of ourselves.
I'm just saying, Mom's going to go crazy because when she has to write and be crazy, she goes crazy.
That's her process.
When she's talking about running in circles, that's what she thinks.
I'm just wondering, like, what if you...
Well, I was supposed to give a big speech in the morning.
I didn't even roll it.
Well, here's the thing.
You do better under pressure.
Under pressure!
But could you try one time to not...
How does that go?
Under pressure.
David Bowie.
And Queen.
It's Queen.
It's David Bowie and Queen.
And it was stolen by Vanilla Ice.
Under pressure.
I think Vanilla Ice is great, and I'm tired of people fucking not giving him his props.
What I'm saying, Ma, is have you considered, now that you're in your 70s, you've probably got maybe one more show in you, right?
Have you considered this time trying to not do the chaotic method and just writing peacefully and working a couple hours a day and enjoying it?
Have you thought about maybe trying a different approach, or is it going to be you have to do chaos?
I'm asking you as your son.
I mean, I'm trying not to go to the chaotic whirling dervish.
I can see it coming, though.
Not that you're acting bad or anything.
You've actually been amazing.
But I can see the pressure.
You're starting to realize you have to gear up for work, possibly.
And I know how you work.
I am starting to go crazy.
Yeah. Do you think you could try this time?
My advice to you, I'm just going to say it.
We have good people that are coming to help.
Let them do their part.
You do your part.
Let them carry some of the burden.
Nah. I'm going to fuck it up.
No, I don't want to fuck it up.
I don't mean fuck up the show.
But, you know, they are...
Your mind, I mean.
Men. Right.
Oh, that's what it is.
So I have to deal with their fucking nonsense.
I mean, if I could get a fake...
Why don't they come up with a fucking vaccine for that?
For men?
Huh? For men to not be dictated?
I don't want to take the vaccine against them, but they should be vaccinated for stupidity.
Against stupidity.
Against dick-heartedness.
Can I tell you a conversation I had with the two people that might be helping?
Because we have to be...
I know they're smart, but they're still men.
Not just smart.
They both said the same thing without knowing each other.
I wanted to tell you this.
They both said...
Because I'm...
My role on this project, if it does happen, is keeping...
Peace. Yes.
That's what I'm good at.
Oh, no.
That means he's going to cause me an ass.
No. No.
Pain in the ass.
Anyone who says, A, I'm a genius, that means I get fucked in the ass.
I didn't say I'm a genius.
He said I'm really good at it.
Anybody who says they're trying to keep the peace is going to double talk me.
Liaison. I'm not double talking.
I'm telling you, this is my gift.
Liaison. This is my gift.
But because I don't control people, I listen to them.
And I report.
That's what I do.
You yap like a son of a bitch.
I know, but let me just say what they said, then I'll stop talking.
That's what we do.
What they both said was, we know that there's going to be territorial stuff between them, not you.
They're both creative people.
And they said, if that ever happens, we know who's in charge and who gets the final vote.
You. Yes.
So there you go.
Oh, I hate there's animosity already.
Not animosity, no.
Like, what's the rule?
We're going to work it out.
What happens if there is a territorial dispute?
Because they are men and they're decarded.
They say, we will defer to the boss.
It's done.
They always say that, but then they're like, she's crazy and leaving us down the wrong road.
She's totally reacting out of PTSD, isn't she?
It is PTSD.
You don't need it this time.
Why not?
That's what they always say.
Let's just try it.
How about try it?
Well, okay, because at least this time I'm not on my period, which is a great blessing because, I mean, when you're on your period working with men, it's too hard.
She had the worst periods.
She would have to wear two different pads.
Shannon. Now I'm traumatized like when your parents were fucking.
Shannon. That's just bad.
No, she had really bad.
Well, you were with me in New York when I had to get off that other ABC show.
Me, I was.
And I had to fly back and get DNC.
And then I said, could you just go ahead and cut it all out?
And can you write me a note that I can't return to ABC?
Can we tell the story?
Are we past the statute of limitations?
Because I've always wanted to tell the story.
Can I tell the story?
Just let me tell the story.
I'm muting you.
Just close your mouth.
She can tell it.
You don't remember the story.
No, I just want to say when she got up, we were all high watching her on Jay Leno.
Yeah. And we were in the Ritz-Carlton, New York.
And the pristine white fritté sheets, she gets up and it was bright red blood, like huge.
And she goes, oh my god!
And I was like, eh!
And then she went, and then you had that big huge globule of blood in the toilet.
Yeah, there was a medical thing that did happen.
No, there was.
It was huge.
And we had a doctor, a house doctor come to the hotel.
No! I was there.
I called downtown.
Shannon wasn't there, was she?
Yes, I was.
I was with her in the bed.
And I called downstairs and I go, what do we do?
And he goes, you could go to New York General, which is like a ghetto, or you could fly home to your own doctor.
I go, okay, we flew home to our own doctor.
That's not at all what happened.
I know, Shannon.
That's what happened.
No, you're so wrong.
I'm going to tell the real story.
We did a reality show.
Me and Mom were not happy with it.
Yeah, for one thing, they spent all the money in the first week.
Yeah, and we also found their character arc.
They came to us and were like, we're cinema verite, which means we won't manipulate.
We're just going to film.
We're documentarians.
And then we found their whole story arc was like, this person's an idiot.
This person fucks over.
We found it.
They accidentally, they're so dumb, they accidentally left the story arc on my desk.
Without telling me, on a show I was producing, I was owning and producing.
It said Jake and Jeff, Tweedledee, Tweedledum.
So I was like, what the fuck is this?
And this was day one of filming.
We were retarded, so I give them credit.
But they didn't know we were retarded then.
So they had pushed it.
So I was like, what the fuck is this?
So the show comes out, and it's not good.
And we weren't happy with the edit.
And it airs, and it doesn't do well.
It could have been great, though.
It was starting to get great.
It was called The Real Roseanne on ABC.
You can look it up.
And it did not do well.
It premiered poorly.
And that night it premiered, we just felt pure evil, me and mom.
Like, we knew it was bad.
They were spinning it bad.
Not just spinning it bad.
We knew the show wasn't great and we just felt evil.
And then mom starts bleeding and we're like, we have to go back.
So we go back to LA.
It is a legit medical emergency.
And she's not bleeding a little bit.
No, but I was in the bed with her.
Okay, well you remember it was chunky, right?
So we go back to the doctor and the doctor says, you...
Gotta have a hysterectomy.
You have a ton of fibroids on your uterus.
Sorry, I'm just going to tell you the truth.
And we were already trying to get out of the show and the ratings were bad and the reviews were bad and we're like, fuck.
But there was nine more episodes of hell.
And they wanted us to go on the promo or mom to go on the press tour and the doctor's like, look, you need a hysterectomy.
We can wait until the 10 weeks is up.
Finish your show.
Or I can do it now, but you're not going to be able to finish the show.
And she thought we were, I remember, I'll never forget her.
I loved her.
She delivered some of Jenny's babies.
Lovely doctor.
And she said, she thought we were going to be bummed.
And mom's like, can you put that in a note?
She said, can you go, can you call ABC and tell them I need to do this now?
And she's like, sure.
So we did an emergency hysterectomy, got out of the show.
Huge medical thing.
That's why we always tease.
Mom gave up an organ to get out of that show.
But we didn't have to do it.
We could have waited.
And then we got out of it, and then it was canceled, I think, in two weeks.
Well, don't put that in here.
Oh, right.
Yeah, they were invested in doing a show to humiliate me and my family, and I was producing it, and they had their whole secret thing with ABC behind my back, which should have told me.
Never to come back to ABC.
ABC is like your abusive boyfriend that we keep going back to.
Yeah. Yeah, that's a great analogy.
They're like Hamas.
Do you remember when Johnny...
They're like Hamas and I'm Israel.
Yeah. No, remember the first week you dated Johnny, Johnny and her just started dating.
No, I remember.
And it was a reality show.
And mom was getting her checks and she had to sign off checks, which she did with her accountants every week.
And they called Johnny in the room like, hey...
We want to film this scene.
And so they have Johnny looking at the checks.
And then they went down and got a camera guy low.
So it looks like Johnny's looking over his shoulder counting the money.
Yeah, on purpose.
And then we didn't know we were partners in their cinema verite.
We didn't know until we'd see the edits.
The opening theme of that show was the funniest thing.
Remember, it was me and Jeff in the studio and we were knocking lights over.
Wasn't it RJ?
RJ, yeah.
Yeah. I don't want to say his name.
I don't want to give him credit.
But it was me and Jeff in the studio and we're knocking lights over and we're idiots.
Tweedledee and Tweedledee.
He flies the whole production crew to NYC to do a reality filming of me pitching a show to network heads.
I was there.
He kills the whole budget in that first week.
And the network folk says, no, we're not going to let you film that.
And he's like, huh?
Because he didn't pre-check it out.
He just flew everybody.
First class.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Because he's trying to fuck some chick that's on the crew.
I mean, how many...
That's why I'm saying about dick tards, they're liars and thieves and perverts.
Men are liars, thieves, fucking perverts and degenerates.
Alright, we should...
Unless you guys have fun.
Yeah, I'm having fun.
We didn't even get to the sex part.
Let's do the sex part.
You can edit.
I'm not editing anything.
What do you want me to edit?
What about the sex, Shannon?
Tell me, convince me that I'm going to like sex again as I did back when I was alive.
Yeah, I want to hear about this.
When you were alive?
Back when I was alive and I had a sex drive.
Are you dead now?
Well, my sex drive is dead.
The waist down, she's dead, she's saying.
The neck down.
If she gets her sex drive back, because you're on hormone.
If I get my groove back, you just need someone to do your titty nipples.
Is that how you do titty nipples?
I'm going to try that tonight.
Does that work?
Mm-hmm.
Okay. Practicing.
Well... You have the implant, right?
They'll have to go in through my spine.
Oh my god.
Because they're all inverted and shit.
Wait, do you still have the bandages on?
What? Do you still have the bandages on?
Oh yeah, you know what?
What's this?
What's this?
Breaking news.
I was sitting in the house we ranted there.
What happened again?
And she pulls this bandage off and it's one of those circular ones with blood on it.
She goes, what's this?
And I go, oh my god, it's a bandage with blood on it.
And she goes, oh!
And I lift up her shirt.
She's got six bloody holes in her spine.
You don't remember either.
From the steroid treatment in her spine because she has no cartilage, evidently, between her birthday.
Yeah, I forgot about going there.
Wait a minute, hold on.
That was like two weeks ago.
You still had the band-aids on?
I thought they were still on there now.
Have you showered in the last three weeks?
I've showered, but they don't come off.
Did she really shower?
Yes, I saw her shower.
Hold on a second.
I'm going to text the doctor.
No, they're still on there.
No, we've got to take them off.
Two of them came off.
Honey, we've got to take those off.
You've got to let it go.
You can't wear a band-aid for two weeks.
Yeah, I'm telling you, it was like two or three weeks ago.
You gotta let it breathe.
I totally dissociated that I had all them shots.
Man, that shit hurt.
But you said it worked, right?
Did it?
It did work and the assistant Igor or whatever his name was, he goes, man, you really know how to breathe through these shots.
I go, five kids?
Yeah. I know my Lamaze breathing, motherfucker.
I know how to do this shit.
I mean, it seems, so if that, does it still feel better?
Because I was just bent over like an old hag.
Yeah. And I walked straight up out of that doctor's office.
Our doctor, Shannon.
He is so genius.
We're going to have him as a guest.
Dr. Benny Boomba.
He's coming to Olivia's birthday party.
He's a genius.
He knows everything about everything Trump.
And MKUltra.
And MKUltra and the Nazis.
And he's a real doctor.
Like he's an actual deal.
You know.
I want to hear about the sex drive, though.
No, I want to say that X39 by LifeWave.
Can I just say that?
We don't have them as a sponsor, so...
But they might be.
No, they've asked for like two years.
Is that what you're on?
Yeah. I have this sticker on my...
Oh, I think it's time to take it off.
What time is it?
I put it...
You leave it on for eight hours.
Oh, yeah, I got to take it off.
If we're not getting paid, I don't want to talk about it.
No, but what?
You're going to get paid.
What? RFK wears it.
And Hannah and Randy saw it too and said, oh yeah, that's LifeWave X39.
No, I have some.
It's like stem cell things you put on.
What? I've got to put 40 or 50 of them on me.
No, I put it on the back of my neck.
I had arthritis in both knees.
Oh yeah, she said it worse.
You need to get knee replacement soon.
And I could barely walk down the steps.
I made an appointment for the doctor, and I put those on, and I canceled it.
Alright, we'll give them the sponsor.
They want to sponsor us.
LifeWaveX39. Well, I gotta put it on my neck, too.
Yeah. Now, does that make you horny?
No. Can you tell her about the horniness?
Because she really wants to get her sex drive.
I don't want to get horny, but I want to know how it works.
Don't you think it'd be good for you to get your sex drive?
No! Hell no!
Maybe you'll like working with men more.
No, I'll get involved with some fucking idiot.
Can I tell you something?
I wouldn't want to be around women at all if I didn't have a sex drive.
So I imagine it's probably why you hate working with men.
Maybe a sex drive you'll be like, hey, men are kind of cool.
Yeah. Maybe that would help me.
Because why would you hang out with the opposite sex if you weren't trying to get laid?
That's exactly what I think.
I mean, not us, obviously.
Great point, Jake.
Well, but I mean, if they can write jokes, that's what I like.
Even so, if they write jokes and they're like, well, maybe.
And they're like, you know.
No, because I lied to myself my whole life with that.
That you were attracted to men you weren't?
Yeah. No, that they would, I just, I always was like.
Thinking, if I'm attracted to somebody, that's never going to work.
Because they're not going to be attracted to me.
You're crazy.
You're such a negative.
You're out of your mind.
I would think, well, whoever likes me, I'll have to go with them.
I used to have that.
I know what you're talking about.
It's called low self-esteem.
Self-deprecation.
No, it's called low self-esteem.
Whoever likes me, if they're...
A fucking clown.
Yeah, at least I got someone to like them.
Goddamn serial killer, what have you.
I gotta go with them.
I know what you're talking about.
And I don't even like them, but they like me, so what the fuck?
Anybody I like ain't gonna like me.
I know what you're talking about.
Well, I got on the testosterone.
For instance, like Richard Gere, there's no way I'm gonna get him to like me.
Maybe. I mean, he put a gerbil up his butthole.
No, that was a myth.
Can I just say, so I was on the testosterone and you saw me.
I was shaving.
I wasn't going to say anything.
He goes, can we put this on the package?
I was dripping blood.
I had blood all over my body.
No, you've always shaved.
We both always shaved.
I have like a huge cut and he goes, just say it's herpes.
Yeah, we'll say it's herpes.
No, it wouldn't coagulate.
Like, I had blood dripping like a vampire.
She cut her face shaving before this podcast and I thought it was the funniest thing ever because she's on testosterone.
I had to use a new Gillette razor because that's my favorite.
Gillette, we love you, double-bladed Gillette.
The blue one.
And I'm like...
And then just blood and it wouldn't stop because alcohol thins your blood.
Oh. Well, we did drink quite a bit this week, didn't we?
We always do.
Did we drink a lot this week?
Karaoke and carrying on.
What about that movie we watched?
That movie was a mind-blower.
Baby Reindeer.
I agree.
I got her to watch movies.
It was the most honest, authentic discussion of what happens post-sexual assault that I've ever seen.
Yeah, I think so too.
Nobody talks about it.
That scene and then everything that happens after.
Was so fucking ballsy and brave.
But he downplays his own act of sexual assault, though.
Absolutely. He lets himself off the hook.
Well, you have to.
I guess.
He sexually assaults a mentally ill woman and lets himself off the hook.
We watched David and Goliath.
Yeah, that's true.
The House of David.
The whole movie is to let himself off the hook for that.
You're right.
Yeah, because he's a man.
Well, he was also raped.
Yeah, but he's a man.
But I'm just saying, when you're raped, it's a change.
Yeah, well, that fucks you up, but...
Unless he did that.
No, he was sodomized horribly, and it said the scene is going to be troubling.
But then House of David...
Oh, we watched David, King of Israel, I think.
She couldn't stop watching.
It was 4 a.m., and I was falling asleep, and she goes, Hey!
Are you asleep?
And she binge-watched House of David, which is about David and Goliath.
I like that at the beginning they say, this is not historically or biblically accurate in any way.
We're just embellishing.
We're embellishing the story when it makes sense for us to do so.
Character. And I was like, Shannon, look at this.
Look at this.
They actually...
They rewrite the words of God.
They actually rewrite the Torah and the words of God because they're Hollywood.
We gotta watch the end again because we couldn't see it because it was too great.
And I only wanted to see when he kills the fuck out of Goliath.
I wanted to see the special effects of that.
Yeah, me too.
But they really Hollywooded up the story with the...
And it was really cultural appropriation and racism and every other thing that Hollywood does to the Jews and to the Torah.
But some of it was good.
So I just concentrate on the good stuff like the Prophet Samuel.
Although they...
Hollywood, that shit up too.
Jewish lore is fascinating.
No, I know, and I'm glad they did it, and I was really glad to see the number of Gentiles involved in rewriting Jewish history.
That's what a Gentile is.
Yeah, and their viewpoint on it is sometimes amazing.
Profound. That's why I like Christians.
There was a great analogy for her to be David.
Fighting off Hollywood as Goliath.
Like Hollywood, Goliath, your day of life.
Yeah, that's where I was like, uh-oh, I'm going to...
My sitcom, as I call it.
There's a sitcom?
No sitcom.
But, yeah, I got...
Whoa, it was really...
I love the stuff you were writing me.
Yeah. Even if that becomes...
However that manifests, I love it.
I loved it.
Because I saw my story in that way, you know?
Art imitates life.
Yeah, because we want to make it real personal because, you know, the Roseanne show was so personal.
That's the most relatable art and the most important art.
Otherwise, you're just jerking off.
Yeah, and you know, they're saying that they're going to do a farewell Rose Connors, which is them stealing the Roseanne show.
I sent it to you.
Yeah, I mean, it's their last season.
And I'm like, oh my God, what are they going to do?
AI me.
No, you know what they're doing that's really disgusting?
I don't know what they're going to do because I've never watched that shit show.
But what they've done is, and they'll deny it, but we know better, they have teased that you're going to return in order to get their shit ratings up.
And I think that's more disgusting than killing you and stealing your show, in my opinion, is using you because they have such shit ratings.
Hey, Roseanne might return.
Dangle the carrot.
But it's like, hey, the person we stole the show from and we killed, they might return.
Well, she's not going to.
They've never asked.
So they're just dangling to get ratings.
No, but I will go back on.
I just want to send this message out.
$10 million.
A second.
And an apology.
I want it.
It's $10 million or I'll do it free with an apology.
Yeah. That you purposely.
Twisted my words because you're anti-Semitic.
Or whatever the reason.
It doesn't matter.
Because you're anti-Semitic.
And I said Muslim Brotherhood.
And you are Muslim Brotherhood.
So fuck you.
But I'll do it for free if you'll admit that Valerie Jarrett is the head of the Muslim Brotherhood and you want to destroy Israel and you hate Jews.
And you purposely twisted my words because of that.
I'll come on for free.
Wow, you heard it here first.
And I'll come on there naked for free.
And that'll be the best ratings you've had since.
You kicked my ass out of there, you motherfuckers.
Naked as a jaybird.
The Rose Ambrard Podcast.
Is that the best rating?
So you see!
Oh, we didn't even do the sex thing.
Oh, well do it.
Tell me the sex stuff.
I have to pee really bad.
We can wrap up.
Just tell mom when she gets horny what comes out of horniness.
Should we pee?
No, you can't take a break.
Just wrap it up.
Just tell her what comes out of horniness.
Hooriness. Whoops.
Hooriness? He said hooriness.
Hooriness slip.
Horniness. What is...
Let's just say, do you feel more vibrant with the sex stuff?
I do.
My sister-in-law is 74. I'm 64. She's going to turn 75. I'm going to turn 65 and get...
Social Security and everything.
But it's, you know, other than cutting myself shaving, it's been great.
I have pictures of me that I want to...
This isn't going to be visual, right?
This is a video podcast.
There's a camera.
Oh, right, right, right.
I want to give you pictures of me in my various wigs and outfits.
With? Because...
With what?
What are you showing?
Like what the testosterone does?
No, I mean like my different looks for, you know, Saturday night, date night.
Oh, your sex night.
Yes. She has sex night with her husband every Saturday night.
She knows that.
You put a lot of energy into like having a romantic and you said that you, you know, talk and you dance.
And we kiss.
I think that's so cute.
You know, smoke some pot, have a couple drinks, and yeah, and we just, like, light candles and stuff, and we make it a whole night.
I think that's so cute.
Yeah. How long do you have to have sex for, though?
Well, what?
How long do you have to actually have, like, pretend, like, how long do you have to do the...
You sound like me now.
No. Like, this sounds great for, like, 15 minute stops.
Is this hours?
Are we talking hours?
Yes. That sounds horrible.
She's a tantric.
Oh, tantric sex is so...
I don't get that.
I want to go to bed.
I want to be done about that.
Like, we'll start at like 8 and end up at 1. But that's all, you know, all night talking.
Do you have sex and stuff?
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
And then I go change outfits.
Oh. Does he orgasm each time or is he edgy?
No, no, no, no.
Not till the end.
What? Is he a fucking god of men?
He holds off.
Minute and a half tops.
And then, like, I'll go put on a different outfit.
Like, I'll dress as a secretary with glasses and a bun.
This sounds horrible, Mom.
With a tie.
Doesn't it sound horrible?
No, but I like doing the outfits.
And then I'll do, like, I go, what's your vibe, you know?
And he'll go, cowboy, you know?
And so I'll do a whole cowboy look.
But usually I have to make it up.
And he always says, I like it tight.
You know, like a tight dress and a blazer or whatever.
I mean, I think it's adorable, but honestly, I'm tired even thinking about that.
Well, that's because you have young children.
No, even if I was in tremendous shape, that does not do anything for me.
He's 70. I've never wanted it.
I mean, I don't want the sex thing to go 18 hours.
I want to be done.
It's not 18 hours.
More than three minutes.
But we only do it once.
But they only do it once a week.
And then Sunday fun day.
They put a lot of plan, huh?
We do Sunday fun day.
Is that sex too?
Is that recovery?
It's like, you know, waking up, making breakfast, and then...
You know, fooling around and laying around and watching TV and stuff.
I mean, I think that's really sweet.
I shouldn't talk.
That's like a weekend affair.
It's lovely.
I think that's really cute.
Isn't that nice?
I think so.
Thanks, honey.
No, I'm so happy for you and that you have those feelings for someone that returns them.
Yeah, me too.
I waited 50 years for that guy.
That is, you did.
And I was always, I mean, my sex thing is...
Just off the charts with horror.
Just all horror.
Shame. Hideousness.
Never. I never felt comfortable having sex.
I want that to change.
Why? It's too late now.
Because it's fun when you get over it and you meet a good partner.
It's fun.
You actually might enjoy sex.
Can you imagine enjoying sex?
You're a scapegoat.
Think about enjoying sex.
I mean, I didn't say I didn't enjoy it, but in a twisted, horrific way.
Well, that's enjoyment.
But everybody's like, oh, you know, you're beloved.
And I'm like, Christ, have you ever been with another girl?
She's like, my son, we don't care.
No one's watching.
In the reality of the world?
In the real, like, earthling thing?
I've never been with another person.
That's hilarious.
That's also sad.
I never felt like I was ever with anyone who liked me.
Who really liked me.
I just got with people who wanted someone to be mean to.
They wanted somebody to be mean to and to blame.
If I can kick around.
I feel like Bill...
I don't know why I allowed that, but I did.
Maybe it worked for you.
Maybe it worked for you on another level.
Bill liked you.
You liked Bill.
Not really.
No. We didn't like each other.
I don't remember you guys liking each other.
I don't think we liked each other at all.
I think you guys liked each other like...
Friends? As friends, yeah.
I think we liked each other as friends.
And we liked each other as like...
Like my dad.
Co-partners in line.
No, we liked each other that we admired each other's writing.
Yeah, you guys, you had admiration for each other.
We were similar in some ways, but he was just, oh, God.
That's your dad you're talking about.
Your dad is like, I didn't know he was a reptile.
I always, you know, I...
Do you see your dad very often?
No. He lives not far away.
I know.
He moved to Texas where he lives.
That's so fucked up.
He's not able to travel.
No, he's a reptilian.
How old is he?
73 going on 100.
He hates Trump.
Okay. He hates Trump's guts.
I know.
I know.
He thinks he was Hillary and then Kamala.
It's not that.
He's writing 87. Or $86.45 on dollar bills.
On dollar bills.
What is $86.45?
$86 is kill.
Oh, yeah.
Kill Trump.
If you ever get a dollar bill that says $86.45, that's my name.
Remember when you're a waitress, this dish is $86.
Okay. John, last year at $70, went down the double diamonds on the mountain in Vail.
Yeah. I mean, after triple bypass.
So it's all in what you think.
And your dad has, like, succumbed to.
Yeah. He's accepted his own age.
He doesn't watch this, does he?
Yeah. He does?
No, I'm kidding.
He doesn't watch this, no.
No, he succumbed to Satan.
But he wants to come on to promote his book, and I told him we would let him, but it's obviously your call.
I think it'd be the greatest episode of all times.
You should have, man.
He wouldn't be able to stand me going off on him.
What podcast would be better than Mother, Son, and Dad?
You guys have been divorced for three years.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I love it.
You got it.
The dynamic has never been seen.
I'd have to call him out for his being fucking Hamas.
No, I would love it.
Personally, I would love it.
How do you think he would react?
He would freak out and walk out and punch the drywall like he did when I had a kid.
I'll knock his fucking ass out, and that isn't no allegory.
I'll jump on his fucking ball head and kick it through the wall.
I will.
I know you will.
You know, I will go violent on your dad.
Oh, maybe you better not.
I have thrown so many things at your dad in his lifetime.
I remember when you pulled a drawer.
We were in a room, me and my sisters, and mom pulled an entire...
I could tell by the sound.
Apparently, she had pulled an entire dresser drawer and emptied the contents.
And I think you threw the drawer at his head or all the contents.
We heard every content in the drawer.
I emptied each drawer.
And then threw the fucking dresser at his ass.
I heard that.
We were in the other room holding each other, me and my sisters.
And you did the clothes and the pool.
You're violent, dude.
I am violent.
That's why I always marry violent men.
I want to get them going so they'll swing at me and then I can shoot their ass.
I have a violent streak to myself.
That's why I try to pray to God to get it out of me.
Because I was raised in a violent household.
Nobody better fuck with me.
Maybe you should put him in, like, a fenced-in thing.
No, I think you should beat the shit out of Dad on the podcast.
I think it'd be the biggest podcast episode of all time.
I'll tell you what.
Just to show...
I hope I ain't cursing myself here.
Peace. Just to show my...
Love. The self-mastery I've attained.
I will not beat his ass.
I'll treat him with dignity and kindness.
And peace?
Yeah. Because I can do it.
Okay. I think that would be epic.
I think that would be epic, honey.
To have Jake, his son, your son, and him.
We could work all our family time out on the podcast.
The triangle.
I'll fake it for the first 55. Let's build it up.
Let's actually structure it beforehand.
And then in the end I'll go nuts on his ass like I used to.
Fuck yeah.
Let's do it.
How's Becky?
Not good.
The both of them's nutty or fruitcake.
Yeah, I don't like it.
We goddamn love the fucking Democrats.
What are you going to do?
What are you going to do when they come for you?
Bad boys.
Bad libs.
All right, everybody.
What are you going to do?
Love you.
Libtards. Libtards.
Super feels.
Listen. We just want the libtards to rejoin the human race.
We love you.
We pray for your souls, for your minds to be retrieved from the pits of hell and to come back to the living.
And that's all we want.
That's all we want for you and for the world, that you will retain your critical thinking and come back to the place of the human beings.
So you see!
My patience is fucking running thin with you stupid fucking assholes.
In this synthetic...
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