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March 28, 2025 - The Roseanne Barr Podcast

01:41:10

Bish Better Have My Money W/ Michael Malice | The Roseanne Barr Podcast #92

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	Greetings Earthlings!
	And welcome Roseanarchus!
	Today I have a premier genius, a friend of mine, one of the only people on Earth who I'm never ever bored talking to because he asked me all about me and as you know, all you all know, I love to talk about me!
	But also, I don't get how smart this guy is.
	He's over my head.
	So I'm going to ask him to break it down for myself and my audience.
	We're not no college-educated motherfuckers, you know, we're just regular people.
	Welcome to the Roseanne Barr Podcast.
	Oh, you see, my patience is growing thin.
	Well, my guest today is, I guess he's famous and everybody knows him, but I just think of him as the guy I met at the mothership there in Austin.
	Who I thought was a delightful person and asked me a lot of questions so I could go off on my stories, which my family's bored of hearing.
	But anyway, Jake told me, he goes, Mom, you have no idea.
	Michael Malice is famous.
	He's like one of the, what did you call him?
	One of the premier thinkers of our time.
	I would say that.
	I mean, don't get a big head.
	But no, I'm a huge Malice fan.
	In fact, I didn't know it was you when I met you at the mothership either.
	I remember I was talking to you for like 10 minutes and I'm like, what's your name?
	Because I followed you, but I've never looked at your face.
	Oh. So he's like, my name's Michael Malice.
	I said, I know Michael Malice.
	But I think there's also a difference in telling Roseanne Barr that I'm famous, because let's have some perspective.
	Well, you're the one that told her the first time, to be fair, when we were at your apartment and you had that comic that Harvey Peacar wrote.
	Harvey Peacar wrote a whole fucking comic about you.
	That's when I go, hey, this guy has some freaking large ass.
	No, he said it.
	He said I'm famous.
	After like a year of us being friends.
	Yeah. Harvey Picar wrote a whole comic about you.
	That's right.
	So I have hanging over my desk, Harvey and you.
	Like my mentor and like mom.
	Oh, over your desk?
	Yeah, like looking down at me.
	Good luck.
	Oh, that is true.
	Watching over me.
	Yeah. It's good energy.
	Man, you've lived a life.
	Look who's talking.
	Yeah, I know.
	Well, that's got to feel good for her to be impressed by you, right?
	I'm impressed.
	Yeah. And you're so damn smart.
	I tried to read some of your shit so I could...
	Talked to you about some of your things you claim.
	She researched you just yesterday.
	Your theses.
	And I'm like, I can't even understand a word of this shit.
	That's because the book was upside down on the shelf.
	So that's why.
	Are you reading it like Hebrew from right to left?
	No, I read from left to right.
	I'm a Jew.
	You're a Jew too.
	How do you like them apples?
	A Jew from the Ukraine.
	Yeah, you said the, huh?
	Not the Ukraine, just Ukraine.
	I don't care, but it's a big thing.
	It is a big thing.
	I'm sorry.
	No, don't apologize to me.
	I'm here.
	I'm not Ukrainian.
	I thought you said you were born in Ukraine.
	Yeah, but the Ukrainians were like, if you go to Ukraine as, first of all, an American, right?
	Right. But you wasn't born here.
	I was born there, but there was a huge amount of anti-Semitism there.
	So they will always remind you, you're not Ukrainian.
	You're Jew?
	Yes. Is that what it was like?
	Well, I was two.
	I don't know.
	But my parents, yeah.
	I mean, that's why a lot of Jews got to escape.
	It was bad even by Russian standards.
	Yeah, the Russians didn't like the Jews too much.
	But the Ukrainians had a whole Azov battalion thing.
	Well, they killed my whole family there.
	In Lithuania, right?
	Yeah, in Lithuania.
	Buried them alive.
	Is that right?
	Yeah. They marched them six miles out of their village.
	They were farmers.
	They shot some and the rest they just buried alive.
	Aren't they lovely people?
	Thank God we're supporting them, aren't we?
	In their defense, if you're living under Stalin and you have the Holodomor, anyone who comes in and frees you from that, you're going to look at them as the good guys.
	I can wrap my head around it.
	I can wrap my head around it too.
	I mean, being between Stalin and Hitler, I mean, the Jews were between Stalin.
	Of course, yeah.
	They say Stalin killed more Jews than Hitler did.
	In my last book, The White Pill, which you haven't heard of.
	No, I did hear it, but I said, what is the white pill?
	Continue, and then I'll ask you.
	There's a Russian historian whose name escapes me at the moment, and he goes, he was reading another book talking about Stalin's atrocities, and he goes, according to this book, Stalin killed more communists than all the fascists, capitalists, socialists combined.
	He goes, this can't be right.
	He goes, I sat down and did math, and he goes, you don't need to be good at math to do the math.
	And it was true.
	And I think this is something why I wrote the book, The White Bill, about the Soviet Union, is this is a relic of World War II that Stalin's the good guy.
	And it's just like, this is not a good guy.
	He's a real evil person, and more people need to know about what he did to the Soviet Union for decades.
	And my friend Curtis, Curtis Yarvin, has the comment, he goes, which genocidal ideology should I be more worried about?
	The one that lost or the one that won?
	Yeah, no kidding.
	He went after the Jews, remember?
	I remember reading about the Night of the Long Knives and the Night of the Murdered Poets.
	I mean, he went around and basically killed comedians.
	Well, that Night of the Long Knives was Hitler.
	No, that was Stalin.
	No? Okay, I have it mixed up.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Okay, so it's Night of the Dead Poets.
	He went after the arts and he tortured people who defended art.
	It's all in my book.
	Americans are very naive.
	I mean, that was the beginning of real cancel culture.
	You got killed, too.
	You didn't only get deplatformed or sent to a mental institution by Stalin's regime, but you got murdered.
	And all your associates.
	For saying the wrong thing, especially if it was funny.
	Yes, and your associates do.
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	Hey, I just gotta get to some business first.
	You lost the bet, Michael Malice, about the election on Tim Poole.
	I was trying to delay that.
	No, let's get it over with.
	Alright, I said there wouldn't be an election.
	It was $1,000.
	I bet Michael $1,000 and, you know...
	I'm a woman of my word, and I'd like to pay you back.
	Wait, hold on.
	Before you do that, I want to talk about this at length a little bit, because it was something that bothered me a lot, and I'm sure bothered you a lot.
	You're a professional, Barinsky.
	That was like your schtick, but it bothers me, and I'm sure you, when people stick their nose in when they don't belong.
	The bet was between me and you, right?
	And we both understood what the bet was.
	You said they're going to cancel the election.
	I said no.
	The people were like, well, if it's Kamala Harris, It's not a real election.
	Or, oh, if Trump gets pushed out of the race, it's not a real election.
	That wasn't the bet.
	We both understood what the bet was.
	Why are people opening their mouths and saying, well, some people thought I lost the bet.
	Like, have you paid Roseanne yet?
	I'm like, what do you...
	No, I lost the bet because there was an election and Trump won.
	So I was wrong.
	I thought they were going to...
	Have a fake election or no election at all.
	Can you tell us what you actually thought?
	Because you didn't want to get into it on Tim Pool.
	Well, I thought that, you know, there would be martial law before because I thought, you know, Democrat terrorism would have taken over every blue city and so they would have to cancel the election because nobody would be able to vote.
	It's not a ridiculous hypothesis.
	Due to the terrorism that the Democrats were going to unleash.
	That they're doing now.
	Yeah, like they're doing now when they knew they weren't going to win.
	Because everything they do is to protect their grift, right?
	And you can't blame them.
	No, I wouldn't want to be caught.
	Right. Or give up my luxurious lifestyle if it was based on grift and fraud.
	Right. Who wants to get caught with fraud?
	Right. But, you know, circling back, as Saki would say, you should not have been doing no fucking fraud anyways.
	Right, that's true.
	There's a question for you.
	But anyways, I told you there wasn't going to be no election because I thought it would be Marshall on no election.
	Well, there was an election.
	Trump won, blah, blah, blah.
	So I owe you a thousand clams.
	So before we do that, it's even funnier because people remember this.
	We made this bet on Tim Pool and I turned to Jake.
	I'm like, does she have the money or is this like a Britney Spears conservatorship?
	And you're like, yeah, I have it.
	I have a thousand dollars.
	I do have a thousand dollars.
	That's actually my money.
	I had to get it from Jake.
	You have to ask nicely.
	She signs out.
	Yeah, exactly.
	Jake's my handler, my CIA handler.
	Let's hear it for Jake.
	I've been doing a great job the last couple of years.
	He is doing a great job on handling me.
	He tries to keep me directed on this show, too, so I don't go off in a million sputtered directions.
	But that's how I am, and that's why I love me, and why I'm my biggest fan.
	But let's get down to the money.
	Yes. Here's your money.
	You've got to count it out.
	You're counting it out.
	No, you're counting it out.
	You lost.
	Here it is, huh.
	Take your money.
	She put it in a nice wrapping for you.
	It's not used.
	Oh, I thought it...
	It's a clean adult diaper.
	A clean overnight...
	That's a Roseanne Bar adult diaper.
	It's a presidential diaper.
	It's presidential.
	That's what I wear in my bed when I go to sleep because I don't want any slippage.
	That one's not used.
	I said it ain't used.
	It smells like residuals.
	Count it out.
	You have to count it.
	You lost.
	All right.
	Give me the money and I'll count it.
	And he asked me for 50s, but then I said, what about 20s?
	He said, that'd be way funnier.
	20s? He really wants to enjoy and savor this moment.
	I want to make a gif of this.
	Come on.
	Get over here.
	Well, where do you want me to count into your hand or onto my leg?
	Come over here.
	All right.
	20, 40, 60. 1, 20, 40, 60, 82, 20, 40, 60, 83, 20, 40, 60, 84, 20, 40,
	60, 85, 20, 40, 60, 86, 20, 40, 60, 87, 20, 40, 60, 88, 20. 40, 60, 80, 9, 20, 40, 60, 80, 1. We heard it.
	Yeah, there you go.
	I'm going to take, now that you had your gastric bypass, I could do this.
	I'm going to take $1,000, $100, and I'm going to put it to our dinner for us.
	Oh, okay.
	$100, that's it?
	No drinks?
	Oh, you're a sober.
	Christ, I forgot.
	You could have some drinks.
	You're a sober.
	You could have some drinks.
	I like to...
	Hiked that price up at dinner.
	Okay, you've earned it.
	With my good wines.
	You've earned it.
	Thank you.
	Thanks for...
	Yeah, baby.
	You know what's worth more than a thousand dollars?
	What? Being the first man on earth.
	I hear Roseanne tell you, you were right and I was wrong.
	It is kind of true.
	I feel like this is end times.
	Like Roseanne barred, but she's wrong to a man.
	Yeah, what's that like?
	It's like, I feel like the seven seals are breaking, the lamb with the horns.
	It's going to be bad.
	Like this money is not going to be worth anything.
	It could be good.
	That's true.
	It's going to be good in the long term, really bad in the short term.
	Well, it's a good thing that you won this bet because that means we won the election, there was one, and Trump is in charge.
	And I've been enjoying this administration so far.
	I don't know about you guys.
	It is kind of exciting.
	You never know what's going to happen the next day.
	Oh, it's like Roseanne.
	It's like how you talk.
	It's like, what the hell's next?
	Like, did you see what he did with Denmark?
	What did he do with Denmark?
	No, I didn't see it.
	So he's on the phone.
	I thought this was a joke.
	And then it really happened.
	I'm like, all right, sure, this is what we're doing now.
	He was on the phone with the Prime Minister of Denmark, and I'm caricaturing it a little, but not entirely.
	And he's like, look, sweetheart, we're getting Greenland.
	And she's like, what are you talking about?
	It's like, it's not for sale.
	He goes, okay, look, listen, we're getting it nice.
	We're going to get it not so nice.
	What's the price?
	She goes, Mr. President, you're not getting Greenland.
	Let's have this conversation.
	He's like, you're not listening to me, honey.
	Like, we're the United States.
	We want it.
	We need it.
	It's good for our military, strategic reserves, natural resources.
	You only have 30,000 people there.
	You're Denmark.
	You'd be speaking German if it wasn't for us.
	And she's like, you're crazy.
	He goes, okay, maybe I'm crazy, but I still want it.
	And it was a huge thing.
	I remember.
	When are we getting Greenland?
	Like, imminently.
	He's not joking.
	No, I know he's not.
	We need Greenland.
	Yeah, but that's like, holy shit.
	No, I mean, he puts it in, you know, everyday language.
	Yeah. Where you can't bullshit your way out of it with your college education.
	But I loved your solution for reparations for African Americans.
	Tell us a bit about that.
	I thought it was brilliant.
	It shows you think outside the box.
	Thank you.
	So I was dicking around on the internet and I did some reparations, right?
	The concept of reparations is you have to make the person whole.
	So if I wreck your $5,000 car, I can't just give you $2,500.
	I got to give you $5,000 and maybe if there's some damages with pain and suffering, I got to compensate you for that.
	Right. So how can you possibly compensate people for slavery?
	Like if you give someone a check.
	For 400 years of it.
	Like here's 100 grand, now it's okay that I owed your grandma?
	That's not a thing.
	It's not enough, yeah.
	I'm like, look, I did the math.
	There's 41.5 million African Americans, according to Google, in the United States.
	There's 40 million Canadians.
	They've made it clear they don't want to be free through all their voting and words and choices.
	Voted to be Chinese slaves.
	Yes. They like being slaves.
	We invade and enslave Canada.
	Hashtag Enslave Canada.
	Every African American gets one Canadian, and that's reparations.
	Your estate was enslaved, and now you have a slave to kind of wipe it clean.
	And it works out.
	And the thing is, it has to be African-American.
	So Barack Obama, he's African.
	You're SOL.
	Michelle, you know, she could get like, I don't know, like a Trudeau.
	She should get Trudeau.
	Yeah. He'd go along with her real good, wouldn't he?
	I feel like she'd be more of use in the field than him, you know, because of the strength.
	That's a whole separate account.
	What about her?
	Let's get into her.
	What's her story?
	Did you know she was raised in Jesse Jackson's household?
	Wait, is that true?
	Yeah. I'm going to look that up.
	I have heard that he was a big influence on her.
	Yeah, she was in that push.
	I don't know if she was in the household.
	She's all in that, you know.
	Are there pictures of this?
	Pretty much royalty in Chicago.
	I hope that's true because I'd rather deal with a Jesse Jackson just like I got a con artist than someone who's an ideologue.
	Hey folks, it's Roseanne here.
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	Well, he wasn't just a con artist.
	He's having sex with 14-year-old girls in Push, too.
	But the point is...
	He never got Me Too'd, unbelievably.
	Yeah, he did.
	He did?
	He had a mistress.
	Well, he did have a baby with somebody.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I don't think he had to pay anything, did he?
	It looks like she was best friends with his daughter.
	Oh, wow.
	Yeah, and she lived in their house.
	So she was over a lot like a friend would be.
	Oh, wow.
	That's so interesting.
	Yeah, I didn't know that.
	Well, what about the hairdo she sported the other day with them, two bird nests, or was it three bird nests things?
	Hold on.
	Jake, you've got to put this on the screen when we edit this.
	Yeah, you do.
	I sent it to you.
	Barack Obama has been tweeting out photos of Michelle, and she looked horrible.
	Yeah. And I'm like, there's no way this isn't passive aggression.
	Because anyone who's ever been in a relationship, you put an ugly picture of your- Of your wife?
	Yeah. Like, you're not going to see the light of day.
	And to do it twice, I'm like, mm-mm.
	Something's not right here.
	My friend Megan McCain, she announced that there's rumors that they're getting divorced.
	Yeah. No, it's all over the place.
	And with you, I saw the pictures she's posted of her.
	And I think that's more telling of a divorce.
	I've never seen a bad picture of her before.
	Uh-uh.
	No, they carefully scrub shit.
	Yeah, she really is like polish.
	She had a whole airplane full of makeup people.
	Yeah, and now she's looking like fucking Pirates of the Caribbean or something.
	Yeah, she does look like Pirates of the Caribbean.
	It's bad.
	Did you see her new podcast?
	I did when it was her brother, her and her brother, and it's like, hey, you always thought I was Michelle.
	All those pictures, they put hair on me so I'd look like Michelle.
	Did you know this?
	This is just so I can show.
	I'm not Michelle.
	She really has a brother.
	So those pictures you saw, that wasn't Michelle.
	That was me with a wig.
	And he's so gay that it's unbelievable.
	Or it was like a Three's Company thing where she'd take the wig on and off and switch cameras.
	Remember Three's Company?
	No. I think she's a woman.
	I don't think she's a man.
	She's a woman.
	But he's openly...
	You saw on those letters where he talked about being obsessed with men.
	Yeah. And that's kind of swept under the rug.
	It's very odd.
	He probably didn't even feel that way until he got with Michelle.
	That's what happens to a lot of husbands.
	My girlfriend's husband turned gay after 19 years with her.
	And I said, see?
	I don't blame him because you're horrible.
	Well, you remember President, not President, when he was Donald Trump, he tweeted that about Arianna Huffington.
	What did he say?
	He said, I can see why Arianna Huffington left her for a man.
	He made a smart choice.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, she knew the guy was gay when she married him.
	You know, I helped her start that Huffington Post.
	Did you?
	Yeah. Oh, well, let's not go into those stories.
	You're the one who brought it up!
	I just like to give an aside here and there.
	What's the white pill?
	The concept of the book.
	Yeah. Oh, both.
	The concept, and I don't understand why you're acting like this is complicated.
	Yeah, I don't even get what you're saying.
	In one word, it's hope.
	Broadly spelled out, it's possible we'll lose.
	You got that?
	It's possible we may lose.
	It's impossible that we must lose.
	So people tell you...
	It's impossible that we must lose.
	That's a part I don't get.
	Because a lot of people are saying it's a wrap, you can't win, there's no one home.
	That's not possible.
	Even it has darkest things can ever get.
	The idea that it's over, and people are saying it's a lot less since the election, even if she had won, it still wouldn't be a wrap in America.
	This is America.
	So is white pill optimistic and black pill pessimistic?
	White pill is hope, not optimism.
	Because you could be hopeful and pessimistic.
	I'm hopeful this marriage will work out, but I'm not optimistic it will.
	Right? Okay, that's the white pill.
	And what's the book about?
	It's about the rise and fall of the Soviet Union.
	And the thing is, as you know, you're older than me, this was the only foreign policy issue for decades, and now people don't talk about it.
	And it was a peaceful victory, and half the world was liberated from tyranny, and it's kind of like a joke now.
	And it's like, what these people went through was not funny.
	To overthrow the USSR?
	Yeah. Yeah, I know.
	No, I mean, I'm 47. I'll be 47 in June.
	We were taught that year after year.
	It was very important in school.
	I don't think they're teaching kids that at all.
	I don't think they are.
	When I was writing the book, I was like...
	What about detente?
	What about detente?
	Imagine a scenario where you or your loved ones face a deadly threat.
	Your first instinct might be to pull your gat and put two holes in their chest.
	However... The legal complications associated with self-defense in this commie country make that very dangerous for you.
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	It seems like they joined up because a lot of Stalinists came over here.
	Sure, but Dayton was like the Nixon-Ford harder years.
	What is Dayton?
	I don't know.
	Dayton is this idea that, like, look, you got a lot of nukes playing at us.
	We got a lot of nukes playing at you.
	It's a stalemate.
	Yeah. This is just how it's going to be.
	This is why you had Chekhov on Star Trek, because the Soviet Union's not going anywhere.
	It's going to be around forever.
	And do you know what Reagan said before he became president?
	You want to hear my strategy for the Soviet Union?
	It might be simple, and some may even say a little simplistic.
	Here it is.
	We win, they lose.
	And Key and Thatcher, who I know you're not a big fan of, but I have her bookcases in my house.
	No, I'm not a fan.
	I just said she...
	Protected so many pedophiles in her government that it's disgusting.
	That's pretty bad.
	But they were just like, this is not, this cannot last.
	And we're going to do something about it.
	And they did.
	And the fact that it had this peaceful landing is a miracle.
	And it's really kind of sick.
	And this, I think, ties into your old kind of lefty hippie upbringing.
	Glorification of war in this country is so gross.
	And the huge sacrifices in World War II and World War I, okay, shouldn't be forgotten, no one's saying that.
	But isn't it better when a Cold War is won peacefully?
	Should there be more statues?
	Should there be more celebration?
	It wasn't all great for certainly the Russians, but it's certainly preferable to the butchery of the World Wars.
	Or, God forbid, nuclear war.
	You want to hear a cool story that was in the book that I learned?
	Yeah. So, Reagan and Gorbachev, you know, both, Gorbachev came into, I think, 86 or 85. Reagan in 81 became president.
	And they took Reagan through a simulation about, here's what you're going to do if the Soviet Union nukes us.
	And he sat there, he goes, so, like, I do this, like, I'm killing, like, tens of millions of people.
	They're like, yeah, he's like, uh-huh.
	And his answer, like, he's not going to, they're like, he's not going to push the button.
	And Gorbachev, later, they went down to the button, the simulation, and they showed him through it.
	He goes, I'm not pushing this button even in a simulation.
	He goes, if they're nuking us, we're not retaliating.
	Neither of them knew the other had this position.
	And they both had to act like tough asses that if you hit the fan, we're going to nuke you.
	But both of them were committed.
	I'm not going to have the blood of tens of billions of innocent people.
	I didn't know that.
	Is that great?
	So their advisors wouldn't backchannel that?
	They had no idea?
	Well, Gorbachev said it explicitly.
	Reagan didn't say it, but it was pretty clear to those around him.
	Because that's why when he was in the office, he goes, Trump's doing this also.
	And he said very recently with China and Russia, he goes, this is crazy.
	We could kill everyone on Earth 100 times over.
	Let's get it down to 10. Like, what are we talking about?
	And they were trying to push, when Reagan was doing Star Wars, which one of his advisors later wrote a book, was this idea that we're going to have lasers in space that are going to shoot nuclear weapons.
	And the advisor's like, the only two people on Earth who thought this would work were Reagan and Gorbachev.
	And Gorbachev's like, if you do this, we're going to be fully vulnerable, right?
	Because if your lasers are knocking out ours and we don't have a response, then you can nuke us with impunity.
	And his advisors are Russians.
	They're very smart.
	He goes, here's what we do.
	We can make tens of thousands of dummy missiles so the lasers can only knock out a bunch of the dummies.
	They're not going to know which are the real ones.
	And he's like...
	Okay, this is the wrong trajectory.
	This is not where we need to go.
	So they sat down at Reykjavik in, I think it was 86, and had this big meeting about denuclearization.
	And it was kind of funny because Thatcher was the one.
	She's like, Reagan's lost his money.
	She's like, you can't un-invent something.
	You can't denuclearize the world.
	And she had this great moment.
	She goes, how do you know Gorbachev's not going to cheat?
	I would cheat.
	So it's just really kind of funny, this idealism versus realism.
	Between the three of them.
	And it's one of the great stories of the 80s.
	With the world on the line.
	Yes, yes.
	Trump was talking to everybody about denuclearization.
	And then, you know, we got the fake president.
	Right. You know, because they wanted to definitely stop that.
	They're the war party.
	It's also kind of funny how every president, and Hillary said this to the Secretary of State, when they talk about, like, all these other countries, they're like, every option's on the line.
	You're saying we'll nuke you if we feel like it.
	Yeah. So why are you surprised North Korea wants nukes to defend themselves?
	Ukraine gave up their nukes.
	It was happening to them.
	So of course this is going to lead to nuclear escalation.
	If I was Iran, I'd want to nuke.
	Wouldn't you?
	Yeah, absolutely.
	Of course.
	Are you kidding me?
	You're killing my top general and laughing about it?
	I fucking want to defend myself.
	Well, you shouldn't go around saying Jews have to die.
	Then maybe you wouldn't get a nuke.
	Sure, yeah.
	I mean, cause and effect.
	Sure, sure.
	Why don't they ever think of that?
	I don't know.
	You'd have to ask the Iranians.
	But the Iranian people think like that.
	They're not for the mullahs.
	No. Overall.
	That's the other question.
	I've always wondered, because this is part of the big Cold War propaganda.
	The Russians want to be free, and they hate the communists.
	But then the Soviet Union falls, and a lot of them are happy voting for the commies.
	Absolutely. And we saw this during...
	Everyone in this room.
	Because they're all working.
	They're getting paid to work for the government.
	Right. Just like here.
	I think all three of us were probably surprised by how docile the American people were during COVID.
	I'm still shocked.
	Right. If it was 2019, we all sat down and we'd go, would they be able to pull this over?
	Like, hell no.
	There's a lot of people with guns who'd be like, fuck you, you're not doing this.
	And they bent the knee.
	This is America.
	Because they got the Democrats to do it instead of the Republicans.
	If they had gotten the Republicans to do it...
	It happened under Trump.
	It started under Trump.
	I know, but he didn't do the lockdown and he didn't...
	He did the quarantine?
	He did the lockdown.
	Well, he called it a hoax and that's how they got him because they're like, no, people are really dying.
	So then he had to acquiesce.
	But the first, the lockdowns were...
	He didn't call it a hoax.
	He said, use the word hoax.
	Democrat hoax, I thought.
	Yeah, he said, yeah, he didn't call it a hoax.
	They took that out of context.
	Yeah, no, he just said it's the latest Democrat hoax.
	They're blowing this out.
	And they did.
	He was right.
	They totally blew it out.
	Just to be clear for the audience, he didn't say, it's a hoax, this is bullshit.
	He said, it's a hoax, the reaction.
	Yeah, and he was right.
	Okay, but he didn't say mandatory vaccines.
	Correct, he didn't.
	But Biden did.
	Yes. So, if they would have made Trump say that, nobody would have got a vaccine.
	Right. Because my own daughter was like, I won't get a Trump vaccine.
	Kamala Harris said it.
	Yeah, she said it.
	But as soon as they made the Democrats say it, My daughter ran to get one.
	Does she regret it?
	Well, of course, they never say they made a mistake.
	I know people who say that.
	I do, too, but not my family.
	Your family, people don't admit they're wrong?
	No. Where do they get it from?
	I don't know.
	It's some, like, Jew from Utah thing.
	Now, my sister vaccinated her five, six-year-old daughter.
	I don't understand that.
	I don't either.
	And she told my mom that I'm going to, because we weren't doing it.
	You're not taking this seriously enough.
	It's just going to be me that has to take care of everyone after you guys die.
	And we're like, we're not going to die.
	First of all, we're not 90. Here's the other thing.
	They all got sick, too.
	Let's look at the argument from their point of view.
	Their point of view, and I still came around my head around this, is you're going to give this child a shot, which we know how much kids love shots, every six months in perpetuity for disease they can't get?
	This is your argument?
	I don't understand it.
	Yeah, no, I never understood it either.
	Well, we weren't allowed to question it, that's why.
	But within your family, I don't understand her logic.
	Because they didn't see it on CNN or Rachel Maddow.
	Because they're all farmed to those two venues.
	But everybody knew it wasn't a danger to kids.
	Even Fauci was talking.
	They were honest about it.
	It doesn't really affect kids.
	It doesn't matter.
	It had something to do with Obama and they're not racist.
	Hey guys, it's Roseanne!
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	Yeah, sure.
	No, I think it was like they wanted that.
	Remember I got vaccinated thing on their Facebook profile?
	I think it was more virtue signaling, but I would never inject anything into my kit with virtue signal.
	Are you fucking kidding?
	Especially experimental?
	But especially for something she can't get.
	No. That's the thing.
	Well, because it's a gene therapy, so anytime they want to activate it, you'll get sick.
	The whole family got sick.
	My youngest sister died from it.
	And they're still like, you know, it's her time to go.
	Time to say allegedly for you to.
	Allegedly. Yeah.
	Oh, that must have been horrible.
	Awful. It was horrible.
	Have you talked about it before?
	I'm not allowed to because...
	I'm a tinfoil hat type of conspiracy theorist.
	What do you mean you're not allowed to?
	With my family, they won't hear.
	Your family's not here except for Jake.
	You want to talk about it now?
	Well, I think there are many families in America that that happened to.
	Of course there are.
	You know, they became very ill and they faded away.
	She weighed less than 80 pounds.
	Oh my God.
	So, you know, it happened in a lot of families.
	Was it quick?
	Was it slow?
	It was slow.
	About a year.
	What was that?
	Can you talk about that?
	Her own kids think it was something else.
	She was in a lot of pain and she accelerated.
	She already had anorexia really bad in her life.
	And she told me before she died it was a vax.
	You were right.
	And so I told everyone that and they're like, no she didn't say that.
	I'm like, is there nothing in your history as Jews that is...
	Bothered by a government mandating you to take a gas into your body?
	Is there nothing in your collective memory that bothers you at all?
	I'm sorry.
	I used to co-author book with celebrities, right?
	And a lot of times they'll tell a story and there'd be a moment like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
	You're skipping over something really important.
	I would love to hear what's going through your head because there's...
	The positive of you were right, but then you wish you were wrong.
	No one wants to be right in that circumstance.
	Yeah, you don't want to be right.
	So what would that feel like for you?
	It's the conundrum that everything is in this bullshit fucking world.
	You know.
	I'm not trying to make you cry.
	I'm sorry.
	I'm not crying.
	Okay, well let's turn it up.
	It's all a bullshit fucking world.
	And people are addicted to bullshit.
	And they love their bullshit more than they love reality or their children.
	That's the conclusion I've come to.
	But how did you react when she said that?
	I just felt sorry for her.
	I felt so sorry for her.
	That's so awful.
	Yeah. And I thought about all my friends who had a similar story with someone in their family over that COVID horseshit where the rich got richer.
	It was a huge transfer of wealth during that time.
	Yeah. Carol Roth wrote a great book about that called The War on Small Business.
	Part of you...
	I don't know how to ask this.
	It's a PSYOP.
	All the way a fucking Chinese PSYOP on America.
	And then they followed that up with...
	What is that drug they're bringing over here?
	I always say Fioranol.
	Fentanyl. They followed it up.
	They just don't want us to be here.
	They hate us and they want us gone.
	I want to hear more about you because is there...
	What's that like?
	Well, this ain't your show, bitch.
	I want to hear about you.
	Well, maybe you should ask me some questions for us now.
	Well, I'd like to.
	Can I ask one more question?
	Yes. It's kind of like how it's so hard for a parent to bury a kid because that's just not what's supposed to happen, right?
	So she's younger than you, right?
	Yeah, she was my baby.
	I was 11 when she was born.
	My mom gave her to me.
	So is there a part of your brain that's like, this isn't right, this should be me?
	You know what I mean?
	I'm not saying those words, but you know what I mean?
	No, because I'm not stupid.
	But I mean like a sense of injustice.
	No, it's stupidity that you would be so stupid.
	This is terrible to say about your sacred dead.
	But if you wasn't so damn stupid and you would have listened to reason and fact rather than emotion of, you know, the Democrats shovel bullshit on you every day.
	If you would have just listened to fact and reason, it wouldn't have happened.
	And the mind control is what pisses me off.
	The fucking Nazi mind control of the Democrat Party.
	And boy, they're moving into full Nazism now.
	I mean, I knew they were in 2012.
	I knew that the Green Party was a Nazi party and that its goal, as I ran for president, I realized they were going to invade the Democrats next, which they did.
	And, you know, because that shit really works with leftists.
	That anti-Semitism really works with leftists.
	And, you know, I was appalled and tried to be a voice against it.
	And now I see, well, they destroyed the Democrat Party and the entire left with their anti-Semitic bullshit, which is a tool of power to divide people and fuck their minds up.
	And now I'm seeing it happen on the right.
	It's all going anti-Semite.
	Influencers or podcasters that are falling back on medieval tropes.
	I mean, it's just, well, I guess they want that gone too.
	So there won't be any party that's really MAGA.
	It'll just be a closed, isolationist Nazi party.
	But here's the thing.
	This... Nazism has never...
	Taking root in America.
	Well, that's why I was happy about them electing Trump, because I felt...
	Shut up.
	You can talk in a minute.
	It's her show.
	But I felt like the election was America rejecting anti-Semitism of the left by voting for Trump.
	I did.
	So now you can talk.
	Thanks, Mom.
	Go ahead.
	You're welcome, dear.
	Even in the 30s and 40s, it would have been acceptable.
	It was never a thing.
	The Klan used to be...
	Pro-Jewish.
	The guy who founded the Klan.
	I didn't know that.
	Thomas Dixon, who wrote The Klansman, which was the novel which inspired Birth of a Nation.
	They were Philo-Semites originally.
	One of the biggest figures in...
	What is Philo-Semite?
	It's absolutely anti-Semite.
	Philo. Philio.
	Oh, love it.
	Judah Benjamin was like number three in the Confederacy.
	This was not a thing.
	Oh, I knew that.
	I didn't know this.
	I didn't tell you the Judah Benjamin story, didn't I?
	No. How he escaped the...
	I told this story to Jared Taylor when I was researching my book, and you're right.
	So Judah Benjamin was like number two or number three in the Confederacy.
	He had different jobs.
	The Confederacy's falling apart.
	He's got to get out of Dodge because they don't know if they're going to hang them.
	They might want some kind of evictor's justice.
	So he makes his way to the Florida Keys because if he goes from there, he goes to Cuba.
	He goes to England.
	He gets on a ship.
	The Union boys are on his tail, and he dirty himself up and pretends he's a cook.
	And they inspect it.
	They don't see anything.
	They're not looking for him specifically, just, you know.
	And he hears one of them go to the other.
	I've never seen a Jew do manual labor before.
	And he got to Cuba and ended his days in England as a prominent attorney.
	That's the most Jewish story I've ever heard.
	Isn't that amazing?
	And Jared Hale's like, oh, come on.
	And it's on his Wikipedia.
	This is real.
	I didn't know they were tied with the Confederacy.
	This is news to me.
	Well, a lot of them were, you know, plantation owners.
	Sure. But it's also in the North.
	Jew hatred was never a thing in America.
	It's not a thing.
	Really? You don't think it's growing here?
	It's manifesting.
	There's anything saying something is growing and saying something has a historical basis.
	There's never been anything like it's been in Europe here in the States.
	Ever. That's true.
	America's designed so that it really can.
	It can.
	I mean, there's been racism here.
	Yeah. Like, crazy racism.
	I just finished Langston Hughes' second autobiography.
	There's, like, lots of insane stuff there.
	Oh, Langston Hughes.
	Oh, my God.
	I love Langston Hughes.
	So good.
	But, I mean, eventually America worked out, worked away from slavery.
	I'm just saying that...
	I'm not even talking about slavery.
	Racism, whatever.
	I think we're trying to progress out of racism.
	I think it's part of the American spirit to at least pretend to.
	I'm just saying, America's modeled to not want to just stay and be.
	America always tries to get better and do better.
	That's what I'm saying.
	Sure. It doesn't mean they do it, but that's part of our culture.
	But the aim is to be better, be greater, do better.
	That's what's great about it, you know?
	Yes, of course.
	I'm here for a reason.
	Yeah. But with Operation Paperclip and stuff, they did bring Nazis here.
	They found they were a big part of NASA.
	I think the leader of NASA was a Nazi.
	I mean, it's German scientists, so it never took hold necessarily, but...
	They are here.
	They are in...
	But hold on a second, though.
	No, MKUltra took hold, and that's Nazi programming.
	A lot of what...
	I know they weren't, like, Nazis.
	Right, so, like...
	I understand.
	Right, so people need to understand, like, a lot of people were in the party just for political reasons.
	They weren't actually Nazis.
	But sometimes it's not...
	Are you talking about the Klan?
	No, we're talking about the Nazis who were brought over.
	They weren't, like, you know, dyed the wool.
	They were just like, all right.
	But they're also not going to say that.
	Sure, sure, that's true.
	No, that's not true.
	That's not true.
	A lot of those Nazis were perfectly defiant when they fell, and they were like...
	Fuck you.
	This is true.
	This is what I'm going to view to my dying day.
	Yeah. Plenty of them were defiant.
	Health insurance is confusing, expensive, and frustrating.
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	And they all sort of congregated at Penn State University.
	Is that right?
	Yes. And then they brought out MKUltra Mind Control in the American population through media and you can see it like, I mean, CNN and Rachel Maddow and all them.
	Those are anti-Semitic tropes that they sell every day on there.
	Well, it's also just mind control.
	It is mind control.
	But MKUltra's German mind control is peculiarly anti-Semitic because that is a tool of power that really works.
	It works.
	It divides people immediately.
	Yeah, it does.
	Because it accesses...
	Their religious upbringing and twists that around and makes all the religions hate each other.
	Right? And what a great divide that is.
	Sure. Just to start with.
	Let's talk fun stuff, though.
	I think this is fun.
	I mean, look.
	I think it's fun.
	I do, too.
	I think I'm worried.
	I'm 72 and I've never been so worried about America falling for anti-Semitism.
	I'm worried about the right falling for it again.
	Yeah, I don't want that to happen to my magus.
	I think...
	I'm not saying you're wrong to be worried, but I'm saying Trump's daughter converted.
	Ivanka practice keeps kosher.
	I don't keep kosher.
	You guys don't keep kosher.
	So I don't...
	No, she's like, really?
	Right. So it's like, I had Cernovich on my show, and he made the point, he goes, a lot of these people come from places they've never been a Jew before.
	So this whole character, Trump's from New York.
	New York City, right?
	So it's like you can't be in New York City.
	I'm sure he's got this low-key anti-Semitism like anyone who works in New York City real estate is going to have.
	But these are his people.
	He grew up with.
	What we're saying is there seems to be, let me just put it this way, there seems to be a factioning happening in the right.
	Yes, there is.
	That's not even a question.
	That's what we don't like.
	Trump, I think, is on the right side.
	Yeah, we think he's on the right side.
	But there are a lot that aren't.
	I don't want anyone in trouble or put you on the spot, but a lot of people in our influence circle of friends are Definitely factioning different than where we're factioning.
	Sure. We've noticed that we've been factioning.
	Sure. You know, the left is faction still.
	It doesn't exist.
	Well, they're factioning us now.
	And now we're factioning.
	And I think they're doing it intentionally because we won and they knew they couldn't beat us.
	I just have this theory now.
	I think this is their thing.
	Okay. I disagree in this regard.
	So my book, The New Right, the thesis was all these groups on the right have nothing in common except for opposition to progressivism, right?
	Right. So if you forget anti-Semitism completely.
	The thing with Vivek, when they were talking about H-1B visas and immigration, this is a big issue whether, okay, let's cut down immigration and Americans get jobs first, or do we want the best immigrants from all over?
	These are two different views on the right.
	You can't reconcile those two.
	People honestly think one, people honestly think the other.
	A lot of these things on the right are just like, okay, let's beat the progs, but once you beat them, what are you going to do next?
	It's not obvious.
	There's two paths in all these different issues.
	Yeah. I wanted to talk more about your stuff, though.
	Alright, he's over there.
	Well, how do you want to get there?
	What's the transition?
	We don't need a transition.
	I was just watching a lot of your stuff, and I'm just curious to hear your thoughts about different parts of your career, and I don't know why you don't like talking about this stuff.
	He's right.
	Well, my family is sick of hearing it, so I love saying it to you.
	That's why I love hanging out with you, because you always ask me about myself.
	My kids don't.
	They just blabber off about their own problems.
	No, but I like it.
	I wonder where they get it from.
	No, I like it for the podcast.
	I do think we should talk about it on the podcast.
	I agree with Michael.
	I was just watching a clip where you were on at Dangerfields and Rod isn't introducing you.
	And it's really funny because what's your first line like?
	I never go nowhere.
	Never, never, never, never, never, never.
	Because I'm a housewife.
	And I'm like, bitch, you're on stage in New York.
	And then you're like, well, this was my second or first trip.
	Yeah. So walk us through that.
	Well, that was my act, you know.
	Of course that was your act.
	Walk us through what it's like coming to New York as a comedian.
	This is a big moment.
	Yeah, it was huge because Rodney had this show, Young Comedians, on HBO.
	And I was on that night.
	He introduced Young Comedians to the audience.
	And I was on with Jerry Seinfeld, Andrew Dice Clay, Sam Kennison, me, and somebody else that I can't remember and I apologize.
	But that was a big, big night in comedy.
	Yeah. And all of us became successful comedians from that night.
	And it was just very exciting.
	We'd watched the person who was...
	I think I was third.
	Does the order really matter?
	Yeah, the order really matters to the person who makes the order.
	And then that matters to you because they're telling you how they see you.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	Okay. So it's like they don't see you as an opener, but then they want an opener to warm up the audience, and then they want the show to go boom, boom.
	They want the show to crescendo.
	Okay. So they put me in the middle because they thought, you know, I mean, nobody can follow Sam Kennison.
	Right. And nobody could follow Dice either.
	Those two guys, nobody could follow.
	And so I was happy to be in the middle, and I thought that was respectful to me.
	So they treated me well and I had the swagger because I knew it worked.
	I've already been on tour a lot and I knew which jokes killed.
	So it was great.
	I had the swag.
	Swag is about 90% of comedy.
	Really? Yeah.
	Explain that.
	Can I say one more thing which just blew my mind?
	So I was toying with the idea of going into stand-up and I was going to have you critique my act.
	And I just did like three sentences and you dissected it like a surgeon.
	I'm like, holy shit.
	Like I didn't realize, like I knew obviously comedy legend, you're like a surgeon.
	But I'm like, I need to record this and sit it down because it was so, such useful information.
	One thing is when I start out being an author, and this is advice to people starting on anything, don't ask your dopey friends for advice and they don't know.
	Right. Ask someone who actually has been there walking and you don't have validation.
	You want, change this, change that, change that.
	I had to help my friend write his book.
	He went to Harvard.
	He got a book deal.
	And his editor was like, you got this.
	Keep it up.
	And he goes, I don't know what I'm doing.
	I can't deduce how to write a book.
	Just tell me.
	Do more like this, less like this.
	Give me orders, right?
	And he brought me on to do that for him.
	And the book was very successful and very great.
	So it's just kind of amazing when I'm sitting down and you're just tearing it apart, but not in a hurtful way at all.
	You're like, just do this, this, this.
	I'm like, holy shit.
	It's just watching the legend's brain.
	Well, 40 years I've been doing it.
	42 years.
	There's lots of people who do shit and never learn.
	No, you're a master level.
	You're absolutely a master.
	Well, I do love it.
	And you do learn things watching and doing.
	Of course.
	You know, of course you still fuck up.
	But that's the fun part.
	I love to fuck up.
	Why? Because I love sometimes to bomb because I have to dig my way out.
	Yeah, okay.
	So learning to dig your way out is a huge part of it.
	That's why I used to love watching Johnny Carson because when his jokes would bomb, you know, bombing is horrible and lonely and frightful.
	And I guess I learned it.
	Me and Bill Maher talk about Johnny all the time.
	But when his joke would bomb, he would dig his way out so brilliantly that it actually made the bomb funny.
	Do you know, it's interesting you're saying this because I was talking to my friend Akash, who's a...
	He's a comedian, and my friend Bridget, Madison, she's also a comedian.
	And the advice they both had goes, be ready for when it doesn't land.
	Because when that silence hits, you're going to be very lonely, very scary.
	Everyone knows what's happened.
	And if it killed yesterday, it might bomb today.
	You've got to know what to do in that moment.
	That's the worst part.
	Yeah, okay.
	Yeah, you've got to figure out how you're going to dig your way out of hell.
	Yeah, yeah.
	With everyone watching.
	Yeah, with everyone watching, yeah.
	And they know what just happened.
	Everyone knows what happened.
	No, you can't hide it.
	I was going to say, Buck tried stand-up, and my little brother did really well the first time he tried it.
	First and second.
	First and second, and Mom told him, like, I remember her, you know, I heard about this, but it was awesome advice.
	I helped him with his act, too.
	She said, that's great that you're doing well, but really, it doesn't really help you until you bomb.
	Yeah. And then he bombed, and I don't know if he's gone back, sadly.
	He said, I'm done with it.
	That's the test, if you can get through the bombing and come back.
	No, you've got to learn from the bombing and come back better.
	Yeah. I don't want to.
	He's a millennial.
	They're not going to do that.
	He's over it.
	But you do learn more post-bombing.
	I mean, that's true.
	Bombing teaches you so much.
	It's like, then you have to sit there.
	It's a great way to exercise self-reflection, which a lot of people lack.
	But then you have to be real honest with you.
	I don't know who it was.
	Ben Bankus was on.
	And he said, you know, it's like those comics that they die a dog's death and they come out and they go, I killed.
	It was a great show.
	He's saying Trudeau is a terrible comic that thinks he killed.
	He comes out and he's like, I fucking killed and I'm going to do a whole tour.
	And he bombs every night.
	It was hilarious.
	And it's true.
	It's true about Trudeau.
	But like to know that you didn't do as well as you usually do or did.
	And you go, why didn't it work?
	And then you go, I know why, because I was really arrogant and thought it was going to work.
	Okay. Because that is death.
	When you're really arrogant and you know it's going to work, it never works.
	Wait a minute, hold on.
	What's the difference between arrogance and swag?
	You said swag is 90% of it.
	Well, swag ain't arrogant.
	Okay, explain it to me.
	Swag is like, I can fucking do this.
	If somebody comes up here and kicks me in the face, I'm going to kick them back.
	I can protect my space.
	My space are these jokes and this space here on this stage that everybody paid to see me.
	Swag! I'll fight my way out of the fucking shit heap I create.
	I will.
	By the end, you'll be standing up for me.
	How's that different from arrogance?
	Arrogance is like, God, I'm so great.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	I can't fail.
	Right, okay.
	Then God strikes you down, you know.
	But the other one is like, I can play.
	I can do this.
	I can play.
	Because it is play when you've got your audience and you're playing with them.
	That's my favorite part now.
	When I went on stage in L.A., I just, you know, all I want to do now is psychic readings for the audience.
	That's all I care about.
	Because it's a way to talk to them and stuff.
	You know, and I just love crowd work.
	I used to ask Rodney and...
	Phyllis and other comics that I admired, Dick Gregory and people who were my friends, and they all passed on to that big comedy club in the sky.
	But I said, how long does it take before you can really stand there on your feet and do the crowd work off the top of your head?
	Rodney said, it takes 35 years to make a comic.
	That can do that.
	Oh my god.
	But we had comics in LA who could do it, like this guy Jimmy something like that.
	I'm sorry, I don't remember his name.
	But his whole act was crowd work.
	Most coffee is weak, just like the cowards running this country.
	But 1775 coffee?
	Well, it's bold, strong, and unapologetically American, just like yours truly.
	Dark roast, it hits harder than a trans man boxing women at the Olympics.
	Medium roast, smooth but never soft like a certain First Lady's wiener flopping around on the Ellen show.
	Vitality Mushroom Blend, it fires up your brain so fast you'll be able to understand all the brilliant shit I say on this podcast.
	Finally, this isn't woke corporate dirt water.
	It's real coffee for real people.
	Hand-picked, small batch, roasted fresh in Miami.
	Go to 1775coffee.com, use code ROSEANNE for 15% off, and get yourself some coffee that actually stands for something.
	Oh, and every dollar you spend enters you to win a Cybertruck plus $30,000 cash.
	Wake up, drink up, and never let them make you shut up.
	Alan and your friends, Alan Steven.
	Alan Steven can do crowd work.
	But that's a different kind of breed of comic.
	But I always wanted to get there to be able to write on stage in real time.
	And the psychic readings are...
	Because it's...
	You know, I'm able to satisfy my nosy old Jewish lady questions.
	And it's always fun.
	You know, but I know I got to do jokes too.
	You know.
	It's the balance.
	I'm excited for you to try to stand up.
	Yeah. What made you decide to want to do that?
	I'll tell you.
	It's actually a funny story.
	By the way, like...
	I don't want to say miracle.
	I don't know what the right word is.
	But when I was on your deck and I'm telling you some of my jokes and having Roseanne Barr dissect them, I'm just like, what a...
	Listen, I know you don't get sick of people kissing your ass, but like, what a fucking...
	I was like, I must have done something right if I'm at this point where I have accesses and that you're actually willing to do it instead of being like, oh yeah, you're great.
	Go on stage.
	Stop. Leave me alone, you know?
	That you actually cared enough to give me, you know, useful advice.
	No, I love you.
	I know, but it's just, it's a privilege.
	I think you're a genius, even though you're over my head.
	I'm not.
	I don't get your, it's not time to lose if we can't lose or some shit.
	I know he could have just said awful.
	Whatever the fuck you're talking about.
	But I just love you.
	Oh, so I was dating this chick who had autism.
	Uh-huh.
	This is already great.
	And, well, actually, no, I went with her.
	What kind of autism?
	It's just, they all have one now.
	It's under one umbrella.
	It's not a spectrum anymore.
	Yes, it's a spectrum, but if they...
	You mean, because they...
	What do they do?
	They go like...
	Yeah, was she like Rain Man?
	What kind?
	Did you take advantage of a mentally retarded person?
	I'm doing it right now.
	Fucker. I meant Jake!
	I'm autistic.
	Jake's autistic.
	Hold on, let me tell you.
	Okay! So, it was two things that happened.
	So, actually, the reason I became a commentator on TV, I remember when I was a teenager watching I Love the 90s, all those shows on VH1, and thought to myself, I could do this.
	And I can, and I did, right?
	Yeah, and you should.
	And I do.
	I know you don't know what I do for a living, but I do that.
	No, I do.
	I want you.
	What do you do for a living, actually?
	Who are you?
	How'd you get in my house?
	You're Michael Fishman, right?
	So I went to see a show at a comedy club here with her on a date, and it was terrible.
	And it was terrible.
	It was like, I don't understand how you would think this would be funny on a stage, right?
	And I'm sitting there thinking, because whenever people ask me, I've written many books.
	Whenever people ask me for advice, I go, go to any...
	Because when I first started out trying to be an author, I read this amazing book called Jesus' Son by Dennis Johnson.
	And it was so beautifully written and superb.
	I'm like, I can never do this.
	What's it called?
	Jesus' Son.
	It's a reference to the Velvet Underground lyrics, right?
	Jesus' Son?
	Jesus' Son.
	Jesus' Son.
	I love the Velvet Underground.
	And I later learned that he's a poet, so that's why the writing is so good.
	They made it into a superb movie.
	And then I'm like, wait a minute, I don't need to be Dennis Johnson.
	And I say to kids, if you're worried about being an author, go to any bookstore and look at all those shitty books that people are like, how'd this asshole get a book deal?
	That could be you.
	You could be that terrible author that everyone's like, how'd this become a book, right?
	So I was watching the bad stand-up.
	I'm like, okay, I already have enough of an audience that could fill a room.
	I could do this.
	And with her, she had just been recently diagnosed with autism, and now she had to reevaluate how she talks to people, eye contact, body language, all these things, which meant she basically gaslit herself, which was a terrible amount of power for me to have, and I decided to have some fun with it.
	And I'm like, wait a minute, this is something.
	I could go somewhere with this.
	And that's what kind of inspired me to, like, I can get an act together.
	About your artistic girlfriend.
	That was part of it, yeah.
	That is so fucking funny, I can't even laugh.
	You can't give a joke.
	I wish you could tell a joke.
	I have to dissect that because it is so fucking funny.
	It's really funny because I actually...
	Because I'm on the spectrum.
	Are you?
	Oh, hell yeah, because I'm like a dog with a bone.
	I can't let go until I get there, you know?
	Okay, sure.
	You know?
	I got weird autism.
	I thought that was OCD.
	Yeah, that sounds like OCD.
	I got that too and all the others.
	I got everything.
	It's all Venn diagram.
	And it's all self-diagnosed.
	It's all self-diagnosed.
	It ain't self-diagnosed.
	Did you know I'm president?
	I am though.
	Because I declared myself in 2012.
	I never conceded to Obama.
	Because I ran against him.
	He's a monster.
	And I said I won't concede.
	In fact, I declare myself president for life, just like Castro and them.
	Right. And I made a thing that I'm president of Americans, Inc.
	for life.
	That's why I do what I do, because I'm talking for Americans, Inc.
	Do you guys know who Emperor Norton is?
	Who? I love him.
	I don't know any of these fucking people.
	Emperor Norton was...
	No, who's that?
	I'll be happy to tell you.
	Yeah, who?
	Shut up.
	Who is it?
	Talk. You know what I love?
	I have imaginary conversations with her all the time.
	And one of the things that I love about you is I'm positive you were exactly like this when you were six.
	I still see that little fat little Jewish kid from Utah.
	Same attitude, the same mouth, anything.
	You know what my nickname was?
	What? Bossy.
	No, it wasn't.
	Yes, it was.
	Everybody in the neighborhood called me Bossy.
	But they said, Bossy the cow!
	Ha, ha, ha, ha!
	Because I was fat.
	Yeah. You're bossy.
	Like bossy because they would deliver milk bottles to everybody's porch every day and the dairy was Bossy the cow.
	Wait, did they call you Bossy because of the cow or because you were bossy?
	Both. Wait, the cow's name was Bossy?
	Yeah, Bossy the cow.
	Really? How do you know the cow's name?
	Was it the brand you made?
	It was on the bottle.
	Bossy the cow says, mmm, mmm, good.
	Did you like take the cream from the top?
	Was that a thing?
	I loved that.
	Yeah. When you take off that paper cap thing.
	Ah! It was so good!
	Back in the 1800s.
	Yeah, I didn't even know it.
	Before pasteurization, yeah.
	This is a thing.
	I read these old children's books and they're all into it.
	That's like all these kids could die.
	I fucking knew it.
	You know what?
	I love making you laugh.
	It's so fun.
	Wait, what were we talking about?
	Emperor Norton was a guy who lived in San Francisco in the 1800s, I believe, and he declared himself Emperor of the United States, Emperor Norton I, and he issued currency.
	And he was just like one of these quirky San Francisco characters.
	Love. Yeah.
	Oh, I love him already.
	Yeah. Because I'm going to do the Roseanne coin.
	Are you?
	Yeah, but I think I'm going to call it, what am I going to call it?
	Bitch coin.
	They have that already.
	Bitch coin.
	They already have bitch coin.
	I don't know.
	I haven't looked into it.
	But I'm going to get some kind of coin.
	You could call it Roseanne Coiner.
	That's not bad.
	That's good.
	It's not bad.
	They'll sue me.
	Roseanne Gold Barnett.
	Coiner's good.
	I did try to start Roseanne Coin way back when I was with Max, whoever started that Bitcoin shit.
	Max. What's his name?
	Max and...
	What's her face?
	They used to be good friends of mine.
	Stacy, what's it?
	They started the whole fucking Bitcoin deal.
	I have no idea.
	Max! She has a good day.
	Let's get you back to bed.
	He knows who he is and I love him.
	We don't know who he is.
	He invented Bitcoin.
	Satoshi Nakamoto invented Bitcoin.
	No one knows who he is, so this is not Max.
	Max? Is this the thing where you...
	Yeah. Sometimes she combines.
	I'm going to look it up.
	Everyone knows who he is.
	No, at least two people in this room don't.
	It's like Max Kaufman, Max.
	Max, inventor of Bitcoin.
	I'm going to look this up.
	Inventor of...
	What was his wife's name or girl?
	Stacy. Max and...
	Here, I'll look it up.
	I just called him Max and Stacy.
	Max and Stacy, inventor of Bitcoin.
	Max and his wife, Stacy Herbert, were among the...
	Oh, no.
	They were among the first...
	To extensively highlight Bitcoin back in 2000.
	So they were like the first OG investors.
	What's his name?
	Max Kaiser.
	Kaiser? Wow.
	And Stacy?
	Herbert. Herbert.
	Okay, so they made money on Bitcoin.
	Sure, sure.
	So they wanted me to do a Roseanne coin.
	Yeah, I don't know if we should do it.
	And then it turned into NTFS some BSCIA LGBTQ or shit.
	I don't know.
	A lot of letters.
	You shouldn't do it.
	We shouldn't, right?
	And I'll tell you why.
	Why? Because a lot of celebrities are doing a pump and dump.
	Yeah. I don't want to rip off my fans.
	No, I'm not going to rip off my fans.
	I was always trying to invent something where my fans could make money by being my fans.
	That's what I'm trying to figure out.
	You know what that would be?
	It would be writing that book I've been yelling about for over a year.
	I told you I wrote a whole paragraph.
	That's great.
	I was like, I was born lucky because I...
	I was completely suicidal, but my parents were always trying to kill me, yet I had, what do you call it?
	Oppositional disorder?
	Oppositional disorder, so it kept me going.
	That's great.
	I told you the opening line.
	What? My family was trying to kill me.
	Yeah. It has to be about the Connors, that first chapter.
	Oh, the Connors?
	That's how you start.
	The first line is, my family was trying to kill me.
	Oh, I like that.
	I know.
	They were trying to kill me.
	I know, Roseanne.
	I mean, they was gaslighting me the whole fucking time like my real family that wasn't on TV.
	This is the book.
	Don't yell at me.
	Put it on paper.
	No, no.
	Okay. I just got to tell you.
	We have to wait.
	I know, I know.
	But it's like, it's such a...
	No, I know.
	But it's better.
	I'm going to do that right after I do geriatric porn shows.
	Yeah. Shows.
	I'm getting on the...
	I don't know how this shit works.
	Michael laughs.
	He's like, God, you're such a boomer.
	I don't think this is boomer talk.
	I don't think boomers talk about porn.
	No, I don't know how to text or anything.
	Oh, she's trying to edit a PDF.
	I'm like, yeah.
	She's come a long way.
	I remember the...
	Do you remember screaming at me and calling me a retard when I was trying to teach you how to email?
	This was like in 1997.
	Oh, the email thing.
	She couldn't write an email.
	And she verbally abused me for like an hour.
	I could not write an email.
	My favorite thing was...
	But she's great now.
	She was better.
	I mean, she can email now.
	I can email.
	One of the best things was we had to delay having her on my show because she was in Hawaii.
	You were here.
	Yeah. And I said, Roseanne...
	Even if you couldn't figure out how to get on the computer, somehow it would still be Jake's fault.
	Yeah, it's true.
	I don't get this whole new world that doesn't agree with me.
	She does Zoom by herself now.
	I don't think the old world agreed with you much either.
	When's it been easy for you?
	Never. You're right, it's never been easy.
	I think it's easy for you now.
	I know you're tired.
	It's easy for you now.
	I'd like to think I've made your life easy the last couple of years.
	He hasn't.
	He has relieved a lot of my stress.
	I also feel like a lot of your career, you're also alone.
	Yeah. I was the only one that thought like me.
	Yeah, I think it's different now.
	I think there's a lot more respect and reverence.
	Nah. There is.
	Come on, stop.
	I think people are nice, nicer to me than they were in the past.
	Yes. If that's respect and reverence, I don't know, but I just call it nice.
	They're nice to me.
	They used to never be nice to me.
	They used to be so rude right to my face, and I'd be like, what?
	Don't you have any friggin' manners at all?
	Right. And they didn't.
	I've seen it.
	Can you give an example?
	Well, I don't want to name anything.
	Oh, Stalker Channing's a whore.
	Well, yeah.
	You tell the example.
	That's a better example coming from me.
	I've just seen people in Hollywood parties 25 years ago literally turn their backs to you.
	It'd be rude.
	Are you serious?
	Yeah. She was like this weird fucking...
	She wasn't in all the Hollywood parties.
	She wasn't eating babies.
	That I know, but to literally turn their back on someone.
	Oh, whore.
	Yeah, no.
	They've been insanely rude to her.
	They go out of their way.
	There was a couple times where that happened.
	I was like, that was so mad.
	And then I think it might have been Madonna or something.
	Oh, I gotta hear this.
	And you're like, well, I did call her a whore a couple weeks ago on something.
	Yeah, there's that.
	But that would happen a lot.
	Okay, that's different though.
	No, but Stalker Channing, I met her, Barbara Walters and I were in the Four Seasons.
	And Stalker Channing, she's one of the worst.
	She comes out and she goes, hello, Barbara.
	Slobbering all over old Babs there.
	And, uh, fucking Babs, I have to, well, whatever.
	She steered me wrong in many ways.
	Anyways, so, uh, she goes, Stockhold!
	Whatever, she had a weird accent.
	I think, they said she had a...
	Lisp. Impediment.
	Yeah, she did.
	Impediment. Stockhold!
	He's a little...
	I don't know how she tell her, I don't know.
	Barbara Wawa.
	Huh? Yeah.
	Remember Barbara Wawa.
	And, uh, Stalker goes like this.
	Steps back and goes like this.
	Yeah. Elevator eyes?
	Yeah. I've seen it.
	Yeah, and I go, nice to meet you too.
	How did that make you feel?
	Did you care?
	I was like, bitch, I'll tear your fucking throat out, you phony motherfucker.
	Okay. Well, to be fair, she's not being phony.
	She's being very sincere.
	That's true.
	I guess.
	Good point.
	I hate sincerity.
	No, they were rude.
	She was just like this weird outsider.
	They thought, she's trash.
	She's from a trailer.
	Like all them lived under a trailer before they were famous.
	The story I was always told is that You're number one on TV.
	Everyone's going to kiss your ass.
	That's the myth, at least.
	It's a myth.
	Nobody kissed my ass.
	They tried to put me in my place.
	Maybe if she was a man, they would have, but they certainly did not kiss her ass.
	Yeah, they kiss all the men's ass, but for me, it was like, how dare you?
	How very dare you?
	There's a story you told me that broke my heart because I have this person's picture framed and signed in my living room.
	You want to tell the Amy Sedaris story?
	I don't know this one.
	Oh, it was horrible.
	Yeah. I was friends with Kevin O'Coin, the big makeup guy.
	We were best friends.
	And he said, oh, you should meet Amy Sedaris and this and that.
	And I called her.
	I thought you were friends with David, you were saying.
	Well, I was friends with David because he's a great writer.
	And I talked to him all the time, you know, in Paris and stuff.
	And so I thought she'd be nice too, but she was so not nice when I called her.
	And she goes...
	This isn't Roseanne.
	She did that whole thing.
	I go, yeah, it is.
	Why would you be calling me?
	I go, because I'm a fan of yours and, you know, I just wanted to talk to you about comedy and maybe we could do something together.
	I thought we could do something funny together.
	Why would I do that?
	She said that?
	Yeah, and I was like, okay, bye.
	Yeah, it was stunning.
	Yeah. And that's just one story of so many where I...
	You know, never went anywhere because they were all vicious and horrible.
	Did it get to you?
	It didn't get to me because the way I thought was, well, they're on that side.
	Okay. Oh, yeah, yeah.
	And so I'm on this side and, of course, they have to do that.
	Because I'm me and I'm saying this and it's not saying that.
	But you know what else is interesting?
	Like, you have such a reputation.
	I would think about some of these people who'd be scared of you.
	They are now.
	Oh, but even back then.
	Sometimes they were scared of me.
	When I was number one, they were scared of me.
	Well, the execs were, but I don't think other starlets or actors were.
	My favorite one is, I can't remember her name, but I had her on my show and then she got a sitcom, Jennifer somebody.
	And I saw her at my friend, that same one whose husband went gay.
	She took me to the Scientology party with John Travolta and Kelly Preston, who I liked them.
	And we were sitting there and she comes up.
	I can't remember her name.
	She has a famous last name.
	But anyway, she comes up and I thought she was going to go, as some people do, you gave me my first job and now I've got a number two.
	Yeah, he always thanked me though.
	But I thought she was going to go, you know, thank you for...
	And she comes up and she goes, I know you.
	Rosette Barr?
	Yeah, she goes, I know you.
	You're the one that gave me a job.
	That's what she said.
	I'm like, yeah.
	I wonder who this was.
	But they're demented.
	They're not right in the head.
	I always felt like they didn't think she belonged there.
	And they were like, what are you doing here?
	Yeah, because I remember when I first went to number one, Esquire wrote a huge piece about me, how I wasn't funny.
	I wasn't an actual comic.
	And my whole thing was that I was fat.
	That wasn't your whole thing.
	I want to trigger you.
	Okay. There's two things.
	Can we talk about the...
	Talk about whatever you want.
	We can edit this out later.
	No, we don't edit.
	I was the one who got to tell you that the condos got canceled.
	Oh, yeah.
	You told me that.
	So I was excited about that.
	Before I get to that, though, I was triggered on your behalf.
	Because the BBC...
	Hold on.
	This is going to be layers of triggering.
	You mean Hamas?
	The BBC...
	I'm already triggered.
	...
	was doing a piece on Meghan Markle's new show...
	Oh, God.
	...
	and how it's going to be a big hit.
	And this is the one that really I was like, you people need to be set on fire.
	She goes, she's patting her show on the original domestic goddesses like Martha Stewart.
	And I'm like, are you?
	Well, they sold my trademark.
	That's you.
	That's what you were known.
	That was you.
	That was your own stick.
	That was your stick.
	Nigella Lawson wrote a book, How to Be a Domestic Goddess, and I sued her.
	That's my fucking trademark, whore.
	And then she changed it to some other word.
	Yeah, you won that one, I think.
	You actually sued?
	Yeah. Yeah.
	Okay, good.
	They're all stealing domestic goddess from me, who I stole it from Helen B. Adeline, How to Be a Domestic Goddess in Fascinating Womanhood.
	At least I thanked Helen B. Adeline, because my mom used to read that book, you know, when I was a little girl.
	If this is anyone other than Helen B. Adeline, you're stealing my bit.
	My mom and her friends used to read Fascinating Womanhood in the living room.
	Had a little cabal there of the housewives.
	And I was appalled!
	Because I was only like four or five.
	And they had this one chapter in there, How to Be a Domestic Goddess.
	And my sister was a big dyke, even though she...
	I guess I was six and she was one, but she's already a big dyke at one.
	You know, she had a belt loop on her diaper and shit.
	And she greased her hair back.
	No, she didn't.
	But she always carried marbles.
	Okay. And a pouch.
	My sister.
	But anyway, she loved to beat up boys.
	It was great.
	But anyways, they were studying this, how to be a domestic goddess, and they'd read it out loud, and they'd go, notice how your five or six-year-old daughter stamps her foot and shakes her curls, and that will get her daddy to do anything for her.
	You need to pattern that, because that's how you'll...
	Get your husband to buy you a blender.
	And I remember I was only five and I go, God, why don't you just get a job and buy your own blender?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, yeah.
	And I was like, they all looked at me with that horrified look like, oh my God, you're not right.
	But that's where Domestic Goddess came from.
	You should get a signed copy of that book.
	Oh, I have.
	You have a signed copy?
	Yes, and I met with her and thanked her and told her the story.
	Did she sue you for trademark?
	She's a lovely Mormon woman.
	She did sue you.
	No, I always plug her book and it still sells.
	Oh, wow.
	That's wonderful.
	Fascinating womanhood.
	Wait a minute.
	So let's talk about this.
	Holy shit.
	You met with the woman who gave you the term domestic goddess?
	Yeah. Were you nervous?
	Were you famous already?
	Yeah, I was famous already.
	And I just thanked her for giving me- How did you get this meeting set up?
	I just was famous so I could get anyone's phone number.
	Okay. Like when I got Schwarzkopf phone number and I used to do- All those prank calls.
	And Tom Arnold walked in when I was prank calling Schwarzkopf, General Schwarzkopf.
	And he's like, good God fucking almighty, are you insane?
	This was during Desert Storm too, wasn't it?
	Yeah. Yeah, he was busy.
	And I was like, I was calling all these famous Hollywood guys, I've had your baby!
	I'm in London and remember the night we were in a hot...
	Together over in England where I've had your baby.
	And then my assistant would get on the phone and she'd go, Daddy, when are you coming home?
	We were having a blast.
	And Tom walks in and he goes, You're not going to call General Schwarzkopf in the middle of Desert Storm.
	Hang that phone up right now!
	You and...
	Tammy. I loved her.
	Mom had the best Rolodex, as you can imagine.
	And that was a real Rolodex.
	And they would go through and be like, let's call in.
	We called Buddy Hackett every night.
	You called Travolta, I think.
	You called everybody.
	Yeah, we crank-called everybody.
	Buddy Hackett was the best crank-call ever.
	You know what's amazing about this?
	You come from Trailer Park, whatever, with Bill, right?
	Maybe I can be funny.
	Maybe I can make a few dollars on stand-up.
	You start getting an audience.
	You have a special that does really well.
	It was at HBO, right?
	People have a following.
	You've got some commercials for Ralph's, whatever.
	Pizza Hut.
	I won all the commercial awards.
	You have your own show.
	It's a huge success out of the gate.
	This is the dream.
	It was the dream.
	Hold on.
	What do you do when you have this whole dream come true?
	I know!
	Let's call General Schwarzkopf and do a stupid London accent.
	That's what's amazing if this is the payoff for you.
	It was.
	Crank calls because my mom.
	When we were little, my mom, we used to do crank calls with my mom, and we used to do fake robberies at the store with my mom.
	Like, she'd go, go in there, and we'd take squirt guns to AG Food Market around the corner, and we'd go in there, and we'd pay for it, but we'd come out and act like we were robbing the store with our guns, and my mom would be in the alley with the doors open, and we'd jump in, and she'd tear out of there.
	So funny.
	And we always did crank calls.
	Like we'd call people up and go, we'd call up everyone in the phone book named Fish.
	And we'd go, is Goldie there?
	So stupid.
	Just stupid shit.
	So it was always fun.
	And when I got famous, I'm like, of course I want to do crank calls.
	So I called up everybody.
	Buddy Hackett, we called him every night.
	He was the nicest celebrity to crank call.
	Why is that?
	Should we call a celebrity right now?
	No, because now, when they put in that Star 69, my whole world was over.
	Because I think I had called John Travolta, and I hung up, and then a phone rang, and I answered, and it goes, Star 69, and I was in trouble.
	I'm like, oh, fuck, you know, because I just had a baby.
	And I'm like, oh, fuck, I can't do this again.
	I love how she's had a kid, this is her priority.
	Frank calling John Travolta.
	It was.
	They would do this every night.
	It was awesome.
	It was so fun.
	It was great theater.
	I had everyone's number.
	Barbra Streisand, I'd call her up.
	Hello, Bobs.
	You know, it was awful.
	Do you want to hear my impression of Barbra Streisand?
	Oh, yeah, on the Tonight Show.
	Burger! I'm a dumb leftister!
	Oh, that's now.
	I know.
	Now, mine was, I'd like to give you my impression of Miss Barbra Streisand.
	I think she's very talented and seems like a nice person.
	But she doesn't seem like a nice person.
	She never did.
	She was so nice to me.
	Really? I loved her.
	She was a lovely gal.
	I went to her wedding.
	I love her.
	I know several people who worked with her.
	They said the meanness just emanated from every pore.
	No, she's just shy.
	No, she's not.
	No, I know her.
	I went alligator hunting with her and all the police in New Orleans.
	Right, so yeah.
	She's a sweet girl that is very shy.
	And she, you know, doesn't want people...
	She reacts to people like...
	You know, they're tearing at her.
	They're in her driveway.
	She's shy.
	But she's a beautiful...
	Who cares how she is?
	Listen to her sing.
	My dad used to listen to Bab sing and...
	Tears would be running down his face.
	My dad, you know, he was a maniac.
	But she made him cry, and he'd go, not bad for a Jewish girl.
	And the other one that made him cry was the opera singer.
	My dad loved opera.
	Well, my fucking dad, crazy.
	Ray Callis?
	No, Luciano Bravino.
	The guy.
	Luciano Pavarotti.
	Yeah. Oh my god.
	You didn't get one letter.
	And I figured it out.
	Yeah. How did you get that?
	Am I learning how to speak Boomer?
	I'm speaking Boomer now.
	I could translate Roseanne to English.
	This is amazing.
	I don't know names anymore.
	I used to.
	But the older you get, it's hard to remember names.
	Okay, Mr. President.
	Luciano Pavarotti.
	Yes. But this one girlfriend of mine fucked him.
	She was a makeup and hair gal, and she told me that Pavarotti, she was having an affair with them.
	I won't even go into it, but he's disgusting.
	Well, go into it.
	Yeah, I want to hear.
	Was he, like, freaky?
	Yeah. Well, I'll get sued.
	Well, she said allegedly that he sent her a note with roses.
	I left a memento of our love on the bed.
	Was it a turd?
	A load?
	No. Yeah.
	He left a napkin on the bed.
	Well, that's nice, man.
	That's fine.
	It is?
	I do that all the time.
	That's vomitous to me.
	You just gave me my money in a diaper.
	Let's calm down.
	That's a very good point.
	If a guy ever said that to me and I went home and there was a friggin' loaded...
	You were fucking Tom Arnold.
	That is true.
	That's what Sue Mengers said.
	Did you ever hear that story?
	No, what?
	It is the greatest Sue Mengers.
	Love her.
	She was my mom.
	And she goes, listen, Jake, go get me a cigarette.
	I'm out.
	Where's your cigarette?
	In my bedroom.
	Okay. She's sitting there because all she did was smoke, especially after she got over lung cancer of the throat.
	And I'm going, you're fucking still smoking?
	She goes, what else am I going to do?
	We're sitting there in our house watching the OJ trial and we're...
	Facts and shit to Carrie Fisher to send to the prosecutors.
	Especially when they did, if it does not fit, you must acquit.
	So we did all these rhymes.
	You're full of shit and stuff.
	And we send it to, what's his name?
	We love them.
	Anyway, he still got off.
	But anyways, she's sitting there in her house, smoking one after another.
	And I was bitching to her about what a prick Tom Arnold turned out to be.
	And she goes, listen, and how much I had to pay him, she goes, listen, let's be real.
	She's about 80. Let's be real.
	He got it up for you.
	And at the time, you were not as, shall we say, gorgeous as you are now.
	You owe him millions.
	Oh my.
	What did you say?
	I just laughed.
	You owe him millions, he got it up for you.
	That's what's so funny is people don't realize how short you are.
	So when you look at those photos, it looks like someone who's like 5'9", I guess.
	How tall are you, 5'4"?
	Because I'm so fat.
	It's because I'm as tall as I am one.
	Yeah, you look at it, you're like 5'3", right?
	I'm 5'2".
	Yeah, you're like a little sphere.
	Yeah, I am a ball.
	Ball of confusion.
	That's what the world is today, the Isley Brothers.
	Yeah, we are.
	I just had to say, we were leading into the fact that now people treat you different, that you're a legend status now.
	I want to know what that's like.
	Yeah. She's oblivious to it.
	She doesn't know.
	That's what the thing.
	I'm just me.
	I don't know what the fuck.
	People come up to me at the Nutty Brown there.
	H-E-B in Texas.
	H-E-B here in Texas.
	They're just nice.
	She doesn't understand.
	They'll go, ma'am, would you like me to get that pasta on the top shelf for you?
	Thank you, sir.
	I mean, they're so nice.
	Well, it's Texas.
	They're all nice like that to everybody.
	But when they recognize her, they know to back off.
	And then when they do come up, it is the nicest.
	Oh, they're so nice to me.
	I brag to all my friends.
	Constantly. Really?
	Yeah. Hannah always says to her every day, You need to remember who the fuck you are.
	We tell her this every day.
	But I don't think she ever thought she was Roseanne.
	No, I think she's got a huge ego.
	But it's also this huge sense of humility.
	This is so fascinating.
	It is.
	Well, she's a walking fucking contradiction.
	She's the most...
	No, I think I did good work.
	I mean, I love that people like my work and that my work was successful.
	But, you know, they probably wouldn't like me if they knew me.
	That's the opposite.
	I'm nothing but a loud, goddamn, opinionated, nosy Jew bitch.
	That's what they like about you.
	They wouldn't like me.
	You're not a bitch, though.
	No, you're not.
	You're actually very nice in person.
	Well, I try to be nice.
	I fake like I'm nice.
	No, you're not faking it.
	I think it's true.
	Wait, so was she ever like...
	Don't you know who I am?
	No. The one time she ever was an asshole, famous asshole, was...
	Because I've done that.
	When? No, you've never done that.
	I don't even know if this is a good story, but I just still have trauma.
	When was I an asshole?
	We went to a restaurant.
	It was you and me.
	We were going to have mother-son.
	Well, that was just being a regular asshole.
	Yeah, but it was like we went to Third Street Promo to have lunch.
	She was number one.
	In LA?
	Yeah. And the hostess comes out and she's like, how many?
	And my mom, instead of just going two, she was like, let's see.
	One. Two.
	To me.
	To the poor hostess.
	But there could be a third person who's not there.
	Well, that's what I try to tell Mom.
	Like, they have to ask.
	But she was so offended.
	Well, they're stupid.
	That wasn't really a celebrity thing.
	But she was an asshole.
	Well, I am an asshole, but it's not because I'm famous.
	Sometimes she'll be like...
	It's just that when they do stupid shit, I can't stand it.
	No, sometimes people go, Who are you?
	What's your name?
	There's two people standing there.
	How many?
	Rosetta, there could be some parking in the car.
	Yeah, they don't know.
	But sometimes people go, What is your name?
	And she does get a little...
	She's like, Roseanne Barr.
	She'll do that.
	And then they go, who?
	Rosie O'Donnell.
	Yeah, they always think I'm Rosie O'Donnell.
	She ran off to fucking Ireland.
	Did you see that?
	She's trying not to get caught for her.
	Have you heard of the Irish potato famine?
	Well, get ready for the Irish everything famine.
	I thought she ran over there because the Irish loves the Hamas.
	She ran over there because she tweeted a lot of anti.
	Semitic fucking bullshit.
	So she had to go to Ireland where they're all Hamas over there.
	They're still IRA over in fucking Ireland.
	God damn it.
	Too bad because I love it over there.
	So when I get recognized, sometimes that happens to me.
	I'm not Roseanne famous.
	I'm more famous than you realize.
	And I was at the airport here in Austin.
	And it's the part where you have the passport and the ticket.
	And there was a guy there and lady behind him.
	He's like, hey, I love your work.
	And she goes, who is he?
	I go, oh, I'm the guy who shot up Pulse.
	And he laughs and she just waves through.
	And in fact, that happened to me on Hinge.
	I matched with this chick.
	She thought it was a catfish.
	Let's have dinner.
	And I'm like, you know, when people recognize who I am, I always say I'm the guy who shot up Pulse.
	And she goes, dude, what the fuck?
	Like, exclamation marks, question mark, like a whole thing.
	And I'm like, you know who I am.
	Like, how is this?
	And I'm like, all right, if I might as well double down, I go.
	Wait, was it you?
	Unmatched. I can only imagine Michael Miles on a dating app.
	I should go on that.
	What's it called?
	Hinged? Yes.
	I would love to read your DM someday.
	Would you ever let me do that as your friend?
	They're not that interesting.
	I have a hard time believing.
	I follow you.
	You troll.
	You know what you are as a troll?
	That's what Jake explained to me.
	Yeah, she was like, explain.
	I go, what is he doing?
	He's the greatest troll of all time.
	And Jake goes, he's the most intellectual.
	Expert next to Noam Chomsky in the world, who I love Noam Chomsky, except for his fucking Epstein shit I don't like him for.
	And, you know, he's a fucking Hamas.
	But I'm like, what?
	Malice that I know is smart?
	I didn't know he was smart.
	He's smart, famous, and well-respected.
	I hang out with him, but he doesn't even know anything about Judaism.
	He knows a lot.
	I have to teach him about Judaism.
	Yeah, I didn't know Vashti was trans.
	I told you Bosch was trans.
	I brought that up.
	I thought I just said it.
	He doesn't want to get into that stuff too much.
	We can get into it.
	I don't want to do that to you.
	I don't care.
	Listen, I love you.
	You listen.
	I love you.
	And I'm so glad that you are famous and a, what do you call it?
	Not an insulter.
	Troll. A troll and an influencer.
	And you're putting the shit out there that America needs to hear about how shitty communism is.
	It's true.
	It's true.
	They better fucking wise up before they...
	They're all fucking commies.
	I can't stand it.
	Yeah. Right?
	Yes, I wrote a book about it.
	Hamas is KGB bullshit.
	I don't know about that.
	It is.
	I don't know about that.
	It's all KGB.
	Can I ask you a question with the USAID stuff?
	Obviously, you followed it.
	Does that vindicate you on any level?
	Are you excited about it or do you think it's not enough?
	Because I know you're like that.
	Anarchist and shit.
	Like, the USAID for me was like, yes, we finally proved it in government.
	You're an anarchist, but I'll tell you what.
	No, but I mean, do you feel like this is proven?
	Roseanne wants to answer for me.
	Go ahead, Roseanne.
	No, you answer.
	No, but like, I wonder for Michael Malice when this stuff's breaking, because you obviously already knew it.
	Yeah. I'll tell you.
	For me, it was awesome.
	But is it old happening?
	There's two things happening at once.
	What's up?
	We're going to cut to commercial.
	I'm not leaving you with a fucking...
	You made fun of me because I said my YouTube ratings are not good.
	Yes. I made fun of it correctly because ratings is not a thing.
	Your ratings are actually very good.
	You don't get it.
	She still doesn't get it.
	Your views are down.
	Your ratings are good.
	We're 4.8 or 4.9 in Apple.
	People like the show.
	Nobody watches it.
	But those aren't ratings like Nielsen ratings.
	People like the show.
	Wait, wait, wait.
	I'm sorry.
	I realized what you're saying.
	Oh, USAID.
	Okay. So there's two things happening at once.
	Okay. Is it USAID or USAID?
	Who cares?
	USAID. There was this show.
	Jake? It's gone.
	There was this show.
	You want a beer?
	No, I don't like beer.
	Go for it.
	Is this the rest of mine?
	Yeah, I'll take the rest of yours.
	Sorry. There was this show once called Russian Dolls.
	I remember that show.
	It's not that one you're thinking of.
	It's about Brighton Beach.
	It was like the Russian Jewish community in Brooklyn.
	It was a reality show.
	And there was this one scene where it was in a, I think they're getting their nails done, a mom and a daughter.
	And the daughter goes, because she was having trouble figuring out what she wanted to major in.
	And she goes, Mom, I took an aptitude test and I figured out what I'm good at.
	I'm going to go pre-law.
	I'm going to be a lawyer.
	I'm glad I finally figured out what I want to do.
	And the first thing out of her mom's mouth, Russian mom, is how are you going to pay for it?
	And the girl has this breakdown, which if you're not from a Russian household, makes no sense.
	I'm like, I see you because every single positive thing in this girl's life, the first reaction from mom is pulling the rug out.
	Well, don't get too excited.
	Oh, I had a great first date.
	Oh, you don't know if you're going to marry me.
	I just want dad to have a great first date.
	And I had to grow up with a lot of that.
	It's very, very difficult.
	So why I bring that up is all of these things are enormous wins.
	And I hate being the guy who's like...
	Kids don't have too much fun at the party, but these are drops in the bucket.
	I agree.
	The budget is what, like $6 trillion?
	That's some crazy number.
	So even when we cut $1 trillion, whatever, we're not even back to the budget where it was where Trump was president.
	So I hate being the guy who's like, don't get too excited, because this is the first time there have been cuts like this ever, and they are great.
	Keep the context in mind.
	And I think people are receptive to that because they're like, this is going to be a long issue.
	You can't expect anyone to solve this in three months, and that's fair.
	I'm just saying take the wins, but just like, this is the first quarter, literally, of his turn.
	Don't touch Spike in the football yet.
	No, I don't think we are, but I'm just wondering if you were enjoying it.
	I have a Twitter thread, and I'm going to do a book about this shortly.
	And every day, it's a new headline of winning.
	It's been non-stop.
	But I'm not really sure yet what's happening.
	Do you know what else is interesting?
	What? I said this, and I thought people were going to push back at me, and no one did.
	I said on Gutfeld, and the whole panel's like, yeah, you're right.
	I said, there's a lot of people in the Democratic Party and the Democratic base who would love to return to a COVID-style regime.
	Yeah. And everyone's like, yep.
	100%. No one disagreed.
	I thought they'd be like, you're crazy.
	They're like, nope, you're absolutely right.
	Yeah, because that's Stalinism.
	They want it.
	That was their Woodstock, really.
	That was their best moment of their life.
	Yes. They were like, we fucking did it.
	The trans are Stalinists.
	The trans?
	Yeah, they're all fucking Stalinists.
	She's like, don't say the Jews.
	I mean, who?
	The crazy trans.
	The trans activists.
	The activists, of course.
	They're Stalinists.
	They're Maoists.
	Yes. Yeah.
	That's terrifying.
	Yes. And they have impunity.
	Totally impunity.
	Not anymore.
	I hope not.
	Not anymore.
	Not anymore.
	That shit's done.
	Were you turned on when Trump was yelling at the main governor?
	Loved it.
	Of course you did, yeah.
	Loved it.
	I did too.
	How could you not?
	I beat a bitch ass, you know?
	She'd come in here telling me what it's like to be a woman when she's never had fucking hemorrhoids from giving birth to a 10-pounder like I did with Jake.
	Hemorrhoids fucking six inches out of my asshole.
	Her butt came out.
	My whole anus came out.
	And none of these bitches have anything like that.
	I have a whole joke about Matthew Shepard.
	Being like Anne Frank with a prolapse that wrecked him.
	What's the joke?
	That's the joke.
	They made a secular statement at him.
	He was like Anne Frank with a prolapse penis.
	You don't like that one?
	You know who that was, Matthew Shepard?
	I do, and I'm like considering it's one of those things that is so darkly funny that I'm going to have to roll it over in my mind.
	Okay. Because you are a Terrible person.
	I agree.
	You're a terrible person, but you're...
	I can't wait to see you do stand-up.
	Okay, I'll do it for you.
	Because I have heard some of your jokes, because you did tell me, and I can't wait.
	I want to fix it so that it...
	Oh, my God.
	What an honor.
	That it goes perfectly like this.
	What an honor.
	It's a craft, but this might be the way to get you back to the mothership, too.
	You do it at the mothership, I assume.
	Well, yes, that's right.
	Yeah, because they take your phones.
	Yeah. They do?
	Yeah. They lock phones because I don't want to get my life ruined.
	No, it will.
	I've heard some other jokes.
	Yeah. No, I want to see you do it.
	I'll do it.
	I want to see how it hits an audience.
	I don't like it.
	Because they're ready for something different and big and new with a crook in its leg.
	I'll come back for dinner sometime.
	Okay. Because it's been forever since I've seen you guys.
	Yeah, we miss you.
	And I'll have the whole set and I'll do it.
	Okay. And we'll record it.
	I want to hear every note because everything you say is going to be good advice.
	How long do you have now?
	Like 15 minutes.
	You should...
	15? I want to hear it.
	I don't even know.
	Because I think if you've got 15, what that means, you have seven.
	No, I think I've got...
	It's like 20 pages.
	I'll do it.
	It's long.
	I can't wait to see it.
	Okay, I can't wait to show it to you.
	I'm fascinated by you.
	I love spending time with you.
	I'm never bored with you.
	You are one in a million.
	You're a very interesting person.
	And I see why you're...
	More famous than I ever thought.
	I'm not Roseanne famous.
	Let's have some context here.
	Well, no one is.
	But still, you are a delight and thank you so much for being on today.
	Oh, this is such a privilege, of course.
	It's your second time.
	And he was like, you were like our second or third guest.
	This is now 91 or 92, I think, is our episode.
	It's fucking awesome to have you back.
	Thanks for letting me know.
	Is it really cancelled?
	I think they're doing a final season.
	But it's the end.
	It's a six episode final season.
	I can't wait to see that.
	You know, I laughed my ass off when Goodman broke his hip and his house burned.
	That's terrible of me.
	I had to repent on Purim for thinking those terrible thoughts.
	I was waiting.
	I had a line ready for you.
	Because I was waiting for you to tell me, don't quit your day job.
	And I could be like...
	You quit your day job so hard they killed you off.
	That is a good line.
	I was over it.
	That's a good line.
	No, it is a good line, but I was over it that night when I figured out what they were doing.
	I'm like, you know what?
	I'm going out with a bomb-ass bomb tweet about the fucking Obama goddamn anti-Semite motherfuckers.
	Put it for the book.
	Okay. I mean, the Muslim Brotherhood is the number one enemy of America right now, and nobody's talking about it.
	And they're all in control.
	Well, yeah, obviously, because you can't talk about it.
	In control of everything, talking about AIPAC.
	Yeah. Fucking paying off everybody.
	Hey, whatever.
	Well, that's another show.
	Whatever. So you see, my patience is running thin in this synthetic...
	Bullshit world!
	We're living in!
	Thank you, Michael.
	I was about to grab my crotch now.
	And spit on the American flag.
	Remember they said you did that?
	I know you didn't.
	That's just another Roseanne famous moment where they got it wrong.
	They get it wrong every time.
	They'll always get it wrong and I won't never give up.
	Good. Exactly.

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