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Dec. 28, 2024 - The Roseanne Barr Podcast

01:59:32

Jeff Dye | The Roseanne Barr Podcast #80

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	Greetings, earthlings, humans, nephilums.
	What's the other one, Jake?
	Anunnaki.
	Anunnaki.
	Clones.
	What else you got?
	Whatever.
	People from the Philippines.
	I don't give a fuck.
	Welcome to the Roseanne.
	Oh, and of course, animals who are by far the most intelligent life form on this planet because they don't need to bullshit themselves, unlike the human species.
	And all related life forms.
	Welcome to Roseanne Barr Podcast.
	Hey everybody, we got a b-b-b-b-b-ba-ba-ba-banger show today.
	I'm so excited because I'm sick of talking politics, and I'm sure you are too.
	I'm sick of talking about God and redemption.
	That gets fucking old.
	And I'm happier than hell to be talking about Comedy!
	The God-given craft of comedy.
	And I have a great comic with me who I met on the Greg Gutfeld show.
	Mazel tov to the Greg Gutfeld family on the arrival of a beautiful baby girl.
	That's wonderful.
	Anyway, here we are with a comic.
	A favorite of mine, Jeff Dye.
	Hi, Jeff.
	Thank you.
	Thank you.
	I love what you've done with the place.
	Thank you for wearing the gold shoes with the gold hat.
	It's my Trump shoes.
	You look great.
	Yeah, I was very impressed with this Christmas outfit.
	Do you think the T is for Trump or for trolling?
	Do you think the T stands for I'm trolling everybody with my new Trump shoes?
	It's kind of that.
	Yeah, it feels good.
	T or Tesla.
	Oh, I love that.
	Tesla Trump troll.
	It's good for a good victory lap, you know?
	That's what these shoes are good for.
	I'm taking a son of a bitch of a victory lap.
	I am so happy.
	Me too.
	Oh, I try not to rub it in everybody's face, but it's hard.
	It's hard not to, yeah.
	It's been so long since we got a win, you know?
	And now we're winning.
	It feels like it just keeps coming, you know?
	It's been very nice.
	Isn't it great?
	Isn't it great to see...
	The woke, just crying and fucking feeling like shit.
	Yeah, they are throwing a fit.
	Yeah, they're like temper tantrums on Instagram.
	I'm just giggling, you know?
	I told Joe this too, but I literally, after Trump won the election, the next morning I woke up, it felt kind of like the pressure had popped.
	Even on both sides, no one's campaigning anymore.
	It's just settled.
	Thank God, yeah.
	There's no more.
	You don't have to have arguments anymore.
	Whether you like it or you don't, it's over.
	So there's kind of this peace.
	And before I turned on my phone from Do Not Disturb and before I opened my email or Instagram, I remember just sitting there going, probably going to lose some friends today.
	Like, this is going to be tough.
	You know, like just watching everybody and my replies.
	But it was great.
	Did you lose friends?
	No, luckily I didn't.
	That's cool.
	I was like, I don't know how I'm going to be able to...
	Did you rub it in?
	Deal with this without looking like I'm rubbing it in or look like I'm celebrating too hard.
	I just didn't mention it to the people in my family.
	I didn't say one word.
	Yeah, that's good.
	I just gloated in private.
	You're a good winner.
	Yeah, I think that's the thing.
	They're bad winners.
	Yeah, bad winners and good losers.
	Well, maybe I don't know if they're good losers because they're throwing fits.
	Yeah, they're bad losers too.
	But I remember when my people didn't win, I was just like, this is the state of the world.
	Okay, Biden's in office now.
	I was not happy about it, but I also didn't yell in my car on TikTok.
	It was a big difference.
	I would just go, oh, this sucks.
	My guy didn't win.
	Yeah, because we have some modicum of self-control and self-respect.
	Yeah, we tried to.
	I just don't think that's the right...
	So even if I were to sit in my car and throw a temper tantrum over something...
	I would have the shame to not record it and post it.
	Right?
	I'm not above throwing a fit or crying, but I wouldn't record myself crying and then post it for the internet to judge.
	That seems strange.
	What are they doing that for?
	No idea.
	Are they proud of their...
	They're proud of their emotion.
	They're proud of their ability to overact their emotions.
	I think it was very performative.
	Yeah, performative.
	They wanted you to go, me too.
	Wow, me too.
	I'm sad too.
	And it's like, no, you're finding community and misery.
	Yeah, very weird.
	I think they're trying to signal Hollywood.
	Oh my god, that's an actress that can harness all of her emotion and bring it right to the surface.
	We've got to get her on Friends.
	I think the most performative is when they have celebrities make these videos.
	Oh, I love that.
	They'll give them a script, they'll all read the same script, and then they'll cut sentence to sentence together.
	Those are the cringiest things I've ever seen in my life.
	It's so bad.
	Do you remember Imagine when they sang Imagine?
	So bad!
	That was the worst thing I've ever...
	Do you remember this?
	Oh yeah, that's when I knew...
	They were all under MKUltra German mind control.
	What about the worst?
	Let's talk about the worst.
	Sharon Stone, how about going...
	Some of these deplorables don't even have passports.
	And they think they represent the working people of America.
	Well, what about us actors?
	We portray working people all the time when we're flying around in our private jets and land.
	There was one with Walter White from Breaking Bad.
	I don't know the actor's name.
	Bryan Cranston.
	Oh.
	It was Bryan Cranston and Rainn Wilson who plays Dwight Schrute on The Office or whatever.
	Both great actors.
	But they're just actors.
	You know, the same way you could just dismiss all the things I'm saying because I'm a comedian.
	At the end of the day, they're just a bunch of theater kids who have million-dollar homes now and stuff.
	They're just like everyone else, I guess.
	But they're sitting there in their white guilt being like, and slavery this, and some people don't understand.
	They don't know their history.
	I don't think you guys know your history.
	Also, this is like a multi-million-dollar podcast studio that you're trying to tell people.
	I just thought it was the strangest.
	And you know they didn't do it for free.
	I mean, the Kamala campaign proved they don't do it for free.
	They got paid pretty good.
	Yeah, or else they're out on fucking bail.
	You know, and they're forced to.
	It was confusing times.
	I'm so happy it's over.
	I love seeing Hollywood have to eat its own shit.
	I fucking love it.
	I love it, too.
	So you think there's a shift to common sense in the country?
	That's what I'm hoping.
	Yeah, I think that I've never not liked the left or Democrats ever.
	But I think that smart people go, oh, this has gone too far.
	Jordan Peterson always talks about it.
	We know when the right goes too far.
	We'll all literally go, that's the right going too far.
	But it seems like no matter what the left does, everyone goes, isn't it virtuous?
	Oh, they're cutting kids' wieners off.
	Or they're warmongering.
	Or they're saying that Big Pharma knows your body better than you.
	And anything the left does, we go, isn't that great?
	No, we don't.
	No, it's not great.
	No, it isn't.
	They do.
	That's what he's saying.
	Yeah.
	They say it's great.
	We don't.
	I know, and that's why we gotta push back.
	And I think that the common sense went, oh, this is them going too far.
	It's okay to call the left out on some things, you know?
	Yeah.
	They're shocked, because they didn't think they'd ever have to account for nothing.
	I know, and I think that, like, that's when I really left the left, is when I was like, dude, this has gone insane.
	It's gone too far.
	Yeah, way too far.
	My buddy, I won't say his name on here, because he's not famous anyways, but he wouldn't want me to say his name.
	I texted him, I said, oh, you know, happy about the election?
	He's in Florida.
	And he's like, oh, I'm not like a Trump guy.
	And I go, oh, you didn't vote for Trump?
	He goes, I didn't say that.
	And I was like, oh, that's interesting.
	He goes, this wasn't about Donald Trump.
	This was about common sense.
	And I was like, oh, that's really a reasonable way to just see the both options, not just be blinded by your party.
	Yeah.
	Did you see Rob Schneider's speech at TPUSA? He introduced Trump.
	He said, it isn't...
	He addressed the left.
	He said, you didn't lose because of homophobia, transphobia, or misogyny, nor racism.
	You lost because...
	And then he listed the things they really did, of which I'm blank on now, but they were hilarious.
	That's great.
	Because you said men can have babies.
	Oh, yeah.
	And he listed them all.
	You know, biological men beat up women in sporting events.
	That was one he mentioned.
	And you called parents terrorists just because they don't want porn in kindergarten.
	Yeah, it's crazy.
	It's a great speech.
	It was a great speech.
	Yeah, it's very fascinating what is and isn't.
	Like the mental, I know that's like a fun term, like the mental gymnastics people will go through to like defend their things.
	Yeah, it is that.
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	I think it was all a sigh up to see how far they could push people before people said no.
	I could see that and I'm shocked it went this far.
	Me too.
	Tim Urban's got a great book called What Is Our Problem?
	And it's very like...
	It has nothing to do with conspiracy.
	He just believes that the plan for DIE, diversity and inclusion, was well-intentioned.
	I don't think it was, ever.
	You don't think so?
	You did at the time, when you were liberal.
	Oh, when I was a lebtard, I did.
	Well, me too.
	I think it blossomed out of nice people being like, oh, we're doing the right thing.
	Not realizing how nefarious...
	It really is.
	And that maybe the powers that be had...
	I think when my liberal friends in Seattle say these things, they think they're being good people.
	They don't have any...
	They're not good at questioning things or making their own decisions.
	They're not good at methodology.
	They don't have any sense of that.
	Why they create chaos.
	Yeah.
	So they can make it, then bring in the structures of order, which are always fascist.
	So the left always serves the fascist right, because they're the same thing.
	Oh, 100%.
	It's a loop.
	I think also, too, it's all feelings over logic.
	Yeah.
	And sometimes your feeling is, oh, this heavyset person.
	You know, feels uncomfortable on an airplane because without doing like the logical thinking of like, you can't just make seats for every type of body.
	They just made a seat.
	They didn't think about the small percentage of people who are, you know, larger bodied or whatever.
	Morbidly obese.
	Yeah, like when you start going, oh, if I'm a manufacturer and I'm making a chair, I don't...
	Factor children.
	And I don't factor the obese.
	I don't do any of these things.
	And so if you just think of it that way, there was no ill intent.
	No one's being mean to you.
	And I think that the left is so feely touchy.
	Yeah, but that was just part of, what do you call it, Jake?
	Mass mind control.
	They were really herding people into the pens.
	Okay, your hair looks like this, so you go here.
	Yeah.
	Your nose looks like this, so you go here.
	I mean, it was like, you know, it was so automatized, just purely fascist.
	It's terrible.
	But I like some aspects of fascism, like book burning.
	I'm so into that.
	You're into book burning?
	Yeah.
	Today I thought, you know what would be a step forward to use fascist things?
	All diet books burned on bonfires across America.
	Starting for that, you know.
	And then all self-help books.
	See, this shows how open-minded you are.
	I am.
	You're looking for the positive in fascism.
	The full gamut, bitch.
	There's some positives of fascism.
	Right.
	Yeah, I like that.
	You know, some books should be burned.
	Yeah, White Fragility, that should be burned for sure.
	Have you ever read it?
	The Bell Curve.
	The Bell Curve.
	Burn that up.
	It's a terrible book.
	I read it.
	It's a bunch of nonsense.
	Oh my God, he's...
	They got some shit on DL. I know they do.
	DL's book was the most victim-y.
	What was it?
	I never read it.
	It was basically White Fragility 2.0.
	He used to be my friend, too, but he went too far.
	Yeah, it's very strange.
	Why did he go so far?
	I don't know.
	I know why.
	No, it's because that's the only way you get the money.
	Yeah, which is crazy.
	You know, nobody is gonna hire, like it's so fucking racist, really, that I can't get hired by any black organization because, you know, and he can't get hired by any Jewish organization.
	Yeah.
	You know, because they all have to have their demographic niche, which is nothing more than fucking racism.
	100%.
	You know, preaching to the fucking converted.
	Yeah.
	Who gives a shit?
	Right.
	When I used to go on TV, I used to fight with these motherfuckers at the top all the time.
	I'd go, what are you talking about, demographics?
	Look at my demographics, and that's why they hated me, because I had every kind of every age.
	Which is great.
	That's what you want.
	They used to care about ratings.
	No, that was a con.
	What?
	That I had that many demographics.
	I was supposed to only have women 18 to 35. Because that's where they figured all the money was.
	And I used to get so mad and I'd go, God damn it!
	That is not where the money is.
	It's the baby boomers that are buying the shit for their kids of that age.
	You guys are too fucking stupid to read demographics the right way.
	And they were.
	And they fucking destroyed everything.
	It's over anyways.
	It's dead.
	Hollywood is dead.
	I love it.
	As soon as I left, I knew it was going to die because I go, who the fuck are they going to steal from if I'm not there?
	Yeah, no shit.
	I'm so sad.
	I got to say, I grew up watching Roseanne.
	It was like part of whatever that block of television was.
	Tuesday night.
	In the 90s, we all watched the same shit.
	Even if there was a show you didn't like, you still watched it.
	There was like four channels.
	Yeah, and we liked them all.
	And then there was one that we didn't like as much as the other ones, but we watched them all.
	But the rebrand of Roseanne was so smart.
	Thank you.
	You know what?
	All my good comic friends, like Norm and...
	Bob Einstein and Louis C.K. would go, man, you hit it on every level.
	Because everyone has a relative that they disagree with politically, no matter what that politics is.
	And you were willing to make that show, and you were willing to make that position.
	It was really, really, really smart.
	Then you also had the opportunity to...
	Because it's written.
	It's scripted.
	You could make these conversations that families should be having.
	It was so smart.
	And I thought that it was such a tragedy to punish you or a show for a tweet, which I also thought was fascinating.
	It's so fascinating.
	Words are evidently...
	More offensive to modern times than actual acts of violence or drinking and driving or crimes.
	Sexual assault.
	Yeah, or allegations of really nefarious things.
	Evidently, one tweet is more...
	And here's the second part of the tragedy that I used to say about this before I met you.
	Was that like...
	Let's say we looked through all your tweets, right?
	Every tweet you've ever had.
	Yeah, I deleted 20,000 of them before I went back to TV because they were horrible.
	But also, let's look through all your 20,000 tweets.
	Not one of those would have made you a dollar.
	But some of them, definitely one of them, cost you...
	A lot of reputation and money.
	So it's like, at a certain point, you go, well, why am I even tweeting?
	If it's all risk and zero reward.
	Now, if I'm Kendall Jenner or something, I can tweet and they give me 50 grand because I promoted Dunkin' Donuts or something.
	That's different.
	But for us, we're just throwing out ideas in the ether, just talking to our fans, and it makes us zero.
	And then you drink some wine or whatever, and you tweet a funny thing.
	And you're done.
	The next day, you're like, oh, now I have to be in trouble?
	It's like being a kid again.
	So I remember thinking, there's so many tragedies in that one thing.
	It's so unfortunate.
	Well, I'm very proud of the tweet.
	Yeah.
	Because I realize now it's been seven, eight years.
	Yeah.
	And some guy's making a whole documentary about it.
	Oh, great!
	Because it was very prescient, and nobody got it.
	Right.
	And instead, they just total freaked out like libtards do.
	Sure.
	Because they put their meaning on it, their Western liberal, chauvinistic, imperialistic viewpoint on what it meant, which it meant nothing like they said it did.
	If you just make everything racist, then you can do anything you want.
	Just call everything racist.
	And that's what they did to you.
	And that's what they do with everything.
	Sam Harris has a great book where he talks about how he came downstairs and his daughter was putting on blackface.
	Because her and her friend were going to go to school as salt and pepper.
	So her friend was putting on white paint and was dressing with a big S on her stomach.
	And she was going to be pepper.
	And as he's trying to describe to this little girl why she can't do that, he's realizing...
	It doesn't even make sense why I'm telling her.
	She's not going in blackface.
	She's just being pepper.
	And then you start to go, well, back in the old days, minstrels.
	And you're like, well, this really isn't the same thing.
	And also, that's not...
	So they've branded everything to be like, it's racist.
	You're a racist.
	Athletes are allowed to literally hit their girlfriends.
	Well, they're not allowed.
	They get less sanctioned than you do.
	For hitting people in crosswalks with their automobiles while they're on drugs.
	Absolutely.
	And they get less punishment than something that was...
	What about all the pedos at Disney that they hired back after they got rid of my ass?
	Yeah, that's crazy to me.
	James Gunn.
	So much like...
	There's just so much...
	Hypocrisy.
	So we don't get in trouble.
	He wasn't a pedo.
	He made pedo jokes.
	No, he made like 20,000 pro pedophile tweets.
	And they hired his ass back.
	What were the tweets like?
	I like it when young boys touch me in my funny place.
	You're kidding.
	No, I am worse.
	Really?
	I was trying to be diplomatic.
	No, he wasn't.
	He was like, I like to fuck little boys in the asshole.
	It was really, really explicit.
	Yeah, he said that.
	And he got a 10-month suspension, and then Disney hired him back.
	But I'll just say this real quick.
	When they were calling a race and stuff, there was all these articles about it.
	Hollywood when it goes bad.
	And it would be like Harvey Weinstein because that story broke.
	And it would be all these sexual assaults and then my mom.
	They put me in with all the rapists.
	No, but they included me with the rapists.
	It's unfair.
	At the end of the day, one of these was just a tweet.
	Yeah, it's weird.
	Also, is racism so magic that we put it above everything else?
	Yeah.
	Let's say it was racist.
	Is that somehow worse than beating up your girlfriend as a New York Jet?
	Any violence is worse than any words.
	I agree.
	Even if the words might be construed as racist.
	I agree.
	No, they couldn't have been racist.
	There's no fucking way they were racist.
	Yeah.
	But, you know, I thought the bitch was white, as I've said 1,000 fucking times.
	And she did look exactly like Helena Bonham Carter.
	I compared Michael Jackson to the girl monkey from Planet of the Apes.
	Do you know who I'm talking about?
	Yeah, Helena Bonham Carter.
	She looked just like that monkey.
	Well, that wasn't a monkey.
	That's the point.
	Like I said, when I looked at the picture of Valerie Jarrett next to Helena Bonham Carter in makeup as a science fiction character, certainly she was not an ape.
	She was a science fiction hybrid character.
	I didn't assume either of them to be a black woman.
	Right, right, right.
	Because I'm not a racist.
	Yeah, because neither of them was an ape.
	Right.
	And neither of them was a black woman in my estimation.
	Yeah.
	I did not think Valerie Jarrett was a black woman because she was born in Iran.
	Right.
	And she looks like my fucking family.
	Yeah.
	Except for my family has the decency not to wear a hairstyle like that.
	Well, even if the tweet would have gone unnoticed, it would have made you zero dollars.
	It cost me my whole life's work.
	How about that?
	On the dream powder, the beam, it's given you a second life.
	You have so much more energy.
	I do, even though I'm sick.
	You've been sick.
	I got a little bit of a cold.
	I know.
	But the dream and the beam are keeping me on the scene.
	It's not like you're taking drugs to be up.
	You're just actually getting good, deep sleep.
	I wake up and have another milkshake and go right back to sleep.
	Yeah, it's the best.
	And it's good sleep because it's all natural stuff that's all been proven to help you sleep and you're going to get a good night's sleep.
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	But that's how the left is.
	Also, when we opened the show, you said you were doing all the greetings to all the different types of species.
	You gave a special shout out to animals.
	I love animals.
	How the hell do you know what Nephilim are?
	I am shocked that you even...
	That was like the third one, Nephilim.
	Well, because my daughter's all into the Nephilim.
	Oh, okay.
	I was going to say, not a lot of people know about it.
	I was pretty impressed with that.
	That's how we got Sam Tripoli on.
	We tracked him down.
	Yeah, he talked to us about the Nephilim.
	Oh, yeah, he did?
	I didn't really know what they were until he told me.
	Yeah, it's pretty like they're not real.
	There's not a lot about them in the Bible.
	Well, it says they're the fallen angels or something.
	They're joining up with the devil or something.
	Some people believe they're Bigfoot.
	Is that right?
	That's why I know about them.
	Yeah.
	I'm like a big Bigfoot guy.
	Are you?
	And there's like a sect of Bigfoot believers who are like, oh, it's probably the Nephilim.
	That's how we'll describe.
	Look at that technique.
	What people are seeing is probably, you know...
	Well, they were giants.
	Yeah, that would make sense.
	That's the only reason I know about it.
	Do you think there's beings other than human beings that we are not really aware of yet going around here?
	100%.
	I do too.
	Do you think they're in drones over New Jersey?
	I think that Bigfoot or Sasquatch is just like a big primate that lives in the woods and in caves.
	And also, when we go in the woods, we don't go in the woods at nighttime if they're like nocturnal, right?
	But you can be in the woods and be right next to a bear sometimes and not even know.
	So let alone if this thing is pretty smart, just hiding, I think.
	And very rare, like a small species.
	I'm not judging, I'm asking.
	You really believe in Bigfoot?
	Oh yeah, I do too.
	I think there's a bunch of them.
	A bunch of evidence.
	Just a bipedal hominid.
	Also, if you go to the Natural History Museum, they have a thing called Gigantopithecus.
	And it's literally a bipedal ape that used to live here.
	So it's just that.
	It's just not extinct.
	But I also think that there's things maybe we can't see.
	Yeah.
	And we go, well, it can't be real.
	Look, there's nothing here.
	And you're like, well, they're probably invisible.
	This one old rabbi about 2,000 years ago or even longer, maybe 1,500.
	I'm not sure.
	I can't remember.
	But he said if we were able to see the things that are all around us, we would go mad.
	I believe that.
	And then if you look under a microscope at viruses and bugs that are in the air.
	Just on your hand.
	And the mites on our body.
	And they're all monstrous looking.
	And they're everywhere, but we don't see them.
	And if those can be invisible, why couldn't something else be invisible?
	Because the guy who...
	Hypothesized about germs.
	He was like, maybe there's these invisible things on our hands and we should wash our hands before surgery.
	They put him in a mental institution and he died in the mental institution and it was like 20, 30, whatever years later that they were like, he's right actually.
	That we should be disinfecting our hands.
	Well, they say that's why they burned all the witches in Europe because they brought out...
	Male obstetricians at that time and the midwives, it was a war against them because they washed their hands.
	But these male obstetricians, they went from house to house delivering babies and they did not wash their hands, which caused childbed fever, which they blamed on the women midwives.
	Oh, man.
	And then burned them at the stake.
	It's insane.
	Yeah.
	Everything's too insane.
	Did you always know?
	Well, I always maintain that comics see how insane everything is as children.
	I've always looked at the world different.
	What I give credit to is that I have dyslexia.
	I do, too.
	The basic way is when you're teaching a young person, you go A to B to C. No matter what you're teaching them, you teach them A, B, to C. Whereas my brain can't do that.
	So for me to get to C, I took all these strange leaps.
	And so when you do that, because I remember I'd try to ask questions in class.
	I would ask a sincere question to the teacher and the whole class would laugh.
	And I'd be like, oh, I guess I'm funny.
	But that wasn't me trying to be funny.
	That was me just asking, I guess, a dumb question or seeing it so different that everyone laughed.
	And I remember learning I was funny.
	Long before I ever learned other things.
	And I think it's because of the dyslexia.
	My learning disability made me more interesting to the way everyone else thinks.
	I always, when I was a kid, with dyslexia and every other thing that there is.
	I used to always read all the books backwards.
	I always started at the last page and read backwards.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	It's like Memento every day for you.
	Yeah, it kind of was that because I had to know what happened before I could see what caused it.
	That's a very female trait.
	It is?
	Well, not reading books backwards, but wanting to know if something's going to work before you...
	Well, maybe.
	Yeah.
	They're always planning.
	Like, well, I want to know if this is going to work out.
	You're like, we don't know if it's going to work out.
	We just have to see what happens.
	Yeah, that is a real difference between myself and my former male partners.
	Because, you know, it's like, I don't even know.
	You know how they said women are from Mars and whatever they said?
	Yeah, yeah.
	I used to have a joke about that.
	Women are from Venus.
	What was it?
	It was...
	What is the book title called?
	Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.
	I used to say, you know the old saying, guys, women are from Venus and men are from fucking Earth.
	We're from Earth.
	Can you just try to get along with us?
	We're Earthlings.
	I used to have a joke about men.
	They're very simple.
	Us women are very calculating, conniving, and, you know, labyrinthine in our...
	Thinking, whereas men are very simple.
	And so we should learn how to please them.
	That'll make our life easier.
	And, you know, basically what it is is clean underpants and a big-ass bowl of chili.
	Yeah, that'll do it.
	That's it.
	Yeah, we're very simple, very predictable creatures, which is...
	Are you married?
	No.
	Have you ever been married?
	No, but I think this is my dyslexic brain again.
	I've learned a great way to live that works for me, that is unusual to everyone else that I know.
	I feel like I've really carved out my life in a way that I am sad.
	I don't know if the term...
	What's the right term?
	I am unrepentantly...
	Desperately, painfully alone.
	You know, like, I'm alone, but there's so many positives and so many negatives of it.
	So you're not a person who wants to couple up.
	I see the perks of that, and when I'm with a woman, like, I think I want that, and then also, like, I like being alone, too.
	Like, I like both.
	Yeah, can you ever find that balance with someone?
	I don't know.
	Not yet.
	Not yet.
	Yeah, me too.
	I'm like that, too.
	I'm like, can you just sit over there and shut up?
	I have these other interests.
	Yeah.
	And they never do.
	No, they don't want to.
	They're like, but I have needs and I have things to say.
	Ah, fuck off.
	Shut up.
	I told you to be over there.
	Have you heard Patrice's that used to have a bit?
	Oh, God, the greatest.
	He's the best.
	It was something like, I'm going to slaughter it.
	Everyone's going to make fun of me in the comments.
	But it was like, men want a woman near.
	We want you nearby.
	We don't want you here, but just around.
	Somewhere near.
	Yeah, if we need something.
	Yeah, or just when I want to.
	When I want to be.
	You could date someone from the military because they have to leave for months at a time.
	But then I'd complain about that.
	I know myself so well.
	I would complain about that.
	You'd have to worry about them.
	So that's a bummer.
	Or if they get killed, then you're like, ah, Christ, there goes three months of my life.
	Fucking grieving when I could be fucking...
	Living.
	That could have went out this entire time if I was just going to die.
	That's You Need to Know the End Again.
	But I mean, comics, we are really selfish.
	I mean, we aren't really selfish, but we're self-contained kind of.
	Yeah, I think genius loves isolation.
	We have to be isolated.
	Yeah, it's very like...
	Insular.
	And then we get so much attention on stage that that really fills whatever that hole is for being heard.
	Because so many partners need to be heard.
	And then, oh, my boyfriend doesn't listen.
	Or my wife doesn't really listen to me when I'm sharing.
	It's like, well, as a stand-up, even when I'm wrong, I'm being heard.
	They're all validating me.
	And that feels very good.
	Well, is it a craving for validation?
	I've always craved that, yeah.
	Yeah, me too.
	And attention.
	Yeah, it's good.
	It's fun.
	I also am not ashamed of it.
	I think that's good.
	I'm not either.
	And love and approval.
	All the things you didn't get at home.
	Exactly.
	Did you used to get beat?
	No, I never got beat, but we were just ignored.
	A lot of ignoring.
	And that makes a comic.
	When you're like, Mom, look what I drew!
	And then nothing.
	And then you're like, Mom, chill with me.
	I'm jumping on this thing over here.
	You're just always trying to get them to look at you.
	Yeah, they ignore you.
	You grew up Mormon, right?
	No, I grew up Jew in Mormon, Utah.
	Oh, Jewish and Mormon.
	Yeah, so that's why I say we stuck out like a sore thumb.
	We only had the one mother.
	That's great.
	You know Mormons love polygamy jokes because it makes them seem cool.
	Mormons are such dorks that when you do like a, I bet this guy's got three wives, he sits there like, yeah, I could have three wives, but really he's got one wife that hates him.
	He could have three wives that hate him.
	Yeah, exactly.
	He's all like kind of jealous of the polygamists, you know?
	We grew up in Salt Lake and about a block and a half from us was a polygamist family.
	Oh, really?
	The Jeffs family?
	Is it the Warrens?
	No, they were in southern Utah.
	Oh, okay.
	This was, I can't remember their name and I wouldn't say it anyway, but.
	They went to our school, and the girls, they all had to wear really long dresses that went down to their ankles, and they had those kind of Amish hats.
	Yeah, like Mennonites.
	Yeah, a little bit.
	And they also had four houses that were all connected by hedges and gates, and the moms lived in each house with their kids, and the dad lived in the big house with, I guess, his youngest wife and their kids, but he'd go visit and all that, and the kids were just...
	Accustomed to it.
	Yeah.
	Trying to go to public school, which was helpful.
	Tough.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And I was a horrible girl, always wanting to be, you know, just tell horrible jokes.
	I couldn't help it.
	I love that you were always Roseanne.
	Yeah, I couldn't help it.
	Yeah, but that's great.
	You're you.
	You knew who you were early.
	No, I didn't.
	I just thought of myself as bad.
	I'm a bad girl because I always...
	Try to make fun of people's misery.
	I love that.
	It made you happy.
	Yeah, it gave me a booze.
	You saw someone fall off the monkey bars, you just start laughing.
	You're like, oh, yeah, that's my evil origin story.
	So this one girl was crossing the street and she got hit by a cart, which God works in mysterious ways.
	Karma.
	Sixteen years later, I also was hit by a car.
	Oh, no.
	It's my karma.
	Well, you didn't hit that girl in the car.
	Why is it your karma?
	No, but I made the horrible joke.
	Oh.
	And everyone left at school.
	And I said, you know what happened?
	She tripped over her skirt.
	And that was in seventh grade.
	Everyone was like, Roseanne is horrible.
	Roseanne is awful.
	Yeah, that is life, isn't it?
	They laugh at the joke and then go, you shouldn't have said that.
	And go, you laugh.
	Two things about the Mormons, I'll say.
	One, like, well, polygamists more than anything.
	Stop acting like you're normal.
	Have you seen like Sister Wives?
	Yes, that is absurd!
	Every episode they're like, we're just like a regular family.
	You're not!
	You're not like a regular family.
	That's why they gave you a show.
	Like on TLC, these little people where they're like, we're just like everyone else.
	We can do anything you can.
	No, you can't.
	You're little.
	That's why they gave you a show.
	You're so different than us that they gave you a show.
	They're always trying to pretend like they're like us.
	Well, but they are because I remember the little people show.
	I was drinking with the mom.
	Oh, she gets drunk faster than I do.
	Because she's little.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	But, you know, when she's all drunk, it's all the same fucking misery as me.
	Well, that part's the same.
	These motherfucking agents, these Jew bastards, you know, same.
	Well, more similar than not, but also, like, don't pretend you're like a regular married family.
	You have six wives and that guy with the weird balding...
	No, I was talking about the little people.
	Yeah, the little people are so much similar.
	But the Mormons, that Cody, he's got some fucking nerve.
	Cody's the dad, right?
	Yeah, he's got some fucking nerve.
	He's weird.
	He's weird.
	I think he's gay.
	I think he's gay too.
	There's like one episode where he was...
	Gay as a son of a bitch.
	I think he is.
	I think a lot of guys that try to have sex with a lot of women, they are gay.
	I think so.
	Because there was an episode where like his buddy from college came.
	And you know, I'm never...
	I have a lot of guy friends.
	I'm very bro-y.
	I like click with dudes well.
	So like...
	Gay.
	Exactly.
	You're making our point.
	So I'm not one to criticize this type of behavior, but it was just creepy.
	He had a friend come on from college on an episode of Sister Wives, but then he set up all these pads in the garage and they wrestled.
	Oh, that's so gay wrestling.
	It was really weird.
	We used to wrestle back in high school and now we wrestle and the whole episode was these two dudes sweating and like...
	It was just like strange.
	It's like what my dad told me.
	My dad was a unique individual.
	Like one time I asked him, Dad, how come Santa Claus don't come to our house?
	He comes to all the neighbor's house.
	How come he don't come to our house?
	I was about five.
	He said, because Santa Claus hates the Jews.
	That's hilarious.
	That's a funny answer.
	Santa Claus is an anti-Semitic piece of shit.
	I have to buy you guys some gifts.
	We never got nothing.
	Not even for Hanukkah?
	Hell no.
	We got the lousy Hanukkah guilt of that rotted chocolate and gold foil.
	No, we got the chocolate in the gold foil that tastes like mothballs.
	Yeah, the one that's in Little Thing.
	Damn, I'm still angry over that.
	But he said, Roseanne, you should lose weight because the only kind of husband you're going to get is a $3 bill.
	Because that's what he called gay guys.
	A $3 bill because they're the only ones that like a fat girl.
	Wait, this is your dad?
	What age was this?
	No wonder you have a dark sense of humor.
	All I could get was a...
	$3 bill.
	That's amazing.
	Because they're the only ones that like a fat girl.
	But that is just like Cody.
	All his wives are fat.
	Yeah, and it's so funny because he always is getting a new one.
	He's like, I think I'm good.
	And then he'll get a new one, and then you can watch the other ones pretend like they're not jealous, but they're super jealous.
	Yeah, it's very strange.
	They get the new thin one, and then she turns fat within two years.
	You know why they turn fat.
	They don't know how to work out.
	Well, it's a sexual reason why women get fat.
	What is it?
	And I'll leave that to the...
	Huh?
	Armoring?
	Huh?
	Armoring?
	Well, it is armoring up because, you know, you have to protect yourself from the sexual disappointment that awaits you.
	Yeah, that's...
	You know what I don't like about Mormons?
	Now that I'm thinking about it, here's what I don't like about Mormons.
	The not Mormons annoy me more than the Mormons.
	So when you're in Utah...
	These people, they'll be like, are you going to do Mormon jokes?
	No, no Mormons are coming to the show.
	It's all these people that are so proud to tell you they're not Mormon because they grew up Mormon.
	Oh, Jack Mormons.
	So now they're like, look at all my tattoos.
	I'm so not Mormon.
	I say fuck.
	I curse.
	And you're like, wow, you're so not Mormon.
	They're so proud to be not Mormon.
	Oh, but they should be proud because I have to say, all my friends.
	We're Jack Mormons, and they are the greatest people on Earth.
	What's a Jack Mormon?
	The ones that just go, I was raised Mormon, and now let's party!
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Well, I don't mind that.
	And actually, it's just funny when they're trying to like...
	We're all not Mormon.
	I'm not Mormon.
	You're not Mormon.
	But they have to make a big show about how not Mormon they are in Salt Lake.
	Well, you have to rebel.
	Yeah.
	It's very childlike rebellion.
	They all go back when they're 40. They're like, look, a school tattoo.
	You're like, wow.
	You're so not Mormon.
	But they are good people.
	Did you see that play?
	Book of Mormon?
	Yeah.
	I think it's the funniest thing I've ever seen.
	Is that the funniest thing you've ever seen in your life?
	I literally, as like a, you know.
	It was genius.
	It was Pulitzer Prize level comedy.
	Oh, I thought you said it won one.
	I think it did.
	It should have.
	It won a bunch of Tonys.
	It's a huge success.
	It's so brilliant.
	The funniest thing I've ever seen, too.
	I just remember being like, theater's gay.
	I don't want to go to a play.
	And then I saw that, and I was in wonderment.
	I was like, this is so creative and funny.
	And it wasn't a put-down of them.
	It was uplifting.
	They clearly did their homework.
	I think one of the writers or several.
	Our Mormon.
	Oh, yeah.
	The Mormon Church supported it, actually.
	I don't know if you guys know that.
	They were behind a lot of it.
	That was phenomenal and groundbreaking that they supported that.
	So, so good.
	I don't remember where I saw it, but someone was making the comparison of the Book of Mormon is a great example of how to deal with life.
	Yeah.
	Those Columbine kids who grew up in a little mountain town in Colorado, they have felt like all these reasons.
	Like, oh, everyone's mean to us, and the girls don't like us, and we're being bullied and pushed around in school.
	We'll go shoot up the school.
	Whereas Trey Parker and Matt Stone grew up in a Colorado mountain town.
	Everyone bullied them.
	Everyone pushed them around.
	Girls didn't like them.
	And the way they got back at the city and the world is by becoming...
	Wildly successful about making a show about their stupid mountain town.
	Yeah.
	Like, they made characters, and they made it a show, and the script, and, like, I always reflect on that, like, such a productive way to deal with trauma.
	Well, comedy's such a great art form, isn't it?
	100%.
	Yeah, if something pisses you off, you can go make jokes about it.
	It's great.
	Do you feel, like, I feel it saved my life, or I probably fucking, I don't know why.
	100%.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, it's just such a great feeling.
	Like, if...
	If a good thing happens to me, what a really nice thing.
	But if a bad thing happens to me, I get some material out of it.
	I get a funny story.
	I could go and be like, you won't believe what just happened.
	I don't know.
	Everything's good.
	It's a good coping mechanism.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, you go, well, somebody had a line I can't remember, but it's like, I went through this and it was all horror.
	But at the end he said, but I got seven minutes.
	Yeah, 100%.
	I think about that all the time.
	But even if you're not a comic and you're watching this.
	The stories that you can tell your friends or complain about, that's always funny.
	If a bad thing happens, great.
	This is hilarious.
	If a good thing happens, that's good.
	That's why I love Trump when he was talking about he likes to do the weave.
	What is that?
	When he creates the story and how he tells the story.
	You know, it's like a comic thinks that way.
	He also made up words.
	How to turn tragedy into, yeah.
	Yeah, he like made up words to describe it.
	I think he did it on Rogan, right?
	He was like, I call that the, and he was like, you're like, he's doing comedy, but he's got all the words mixed up.
	Yeah, the weave.
	I think he's a comic.
	I think so too.
	Yeah, he's got a comedic brain for sure.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Which is cool for us comics to see.
	I agree.
	That's why I don't understand why woke.
	Which, they ain't funny.
	Not now.
	They're so not funny.
	How can you be funny and woke?
	Honestly.
	That's hard.
	For real.
	It's a snare.
	Like on Saturday Night Live, those fuckers that are woke on the news, it's just a fucking snare.
	It is.
	It's all claptor, and it's all people agreeing with what they're saying, but it's not a joke.
	It's very strange.
	Yeah, because...
	Because comedy is supposed to...
	Take the piss out of power.
	Yeah, there has to be a butt of the joke.
	And if you just have sympathy for every butt, then you can't make it the butt of the joke.
	But that's also the point of comedy, right?
	That medicine's the best laughter.
	Sorry, medicine's the best...
	Laughter's the best medicine.
	He's dyslexic.
	Well, if laughter's the best medicine, you only put medicine on things that are bad, like a sickness, something that hurts.
	That's why Jews are funny.
	That's why black guys are funny.
	That's why we're all facing a battle.
	We all can be funny.
	It's like, well, nobody wants to just hear jokes about, you know, balloons.
	Like, there has to be some stakes.
	Yeah.
	Did you like Norm?
	He was my favorite comedian.
	Mine too.
	Yeah, I'm obsessed with that.
	I can tell you liked him.
	I'm very inspired by him, yeah.
	Like, very influenced by him.
	And I used to feel guilt about that.
	Like, oh, people are going to think I'm stealing from Normie.
	But it's like, no, I grew up on The Simpsons.
	I grew up on Norm Macdonald, Patrice O'Neill, Daniel Tosh, as I got a little bit older, was a huge part of my...
	And so, yes, when you see me perform, you could draw any of those comparisons from the things I really liked.
	Growing up, Andy Malinakis.
	Oh yeah, I liked him too.
	Tom Green was like a big, so I loved like prank stuff.
	There's just so many things that inspire me.
	I love Jerry Seinfeld.
	People are going, oh, that sounded like Jerry.
	I go, okay, yeah, I love Jerry.
	So I'm not ashamed of it as I used to be.
	I used to be like, oh, I think I'm a thief, but no.
	How long have you been doing it?
	Since 2005. So what's that?
	20 years?
	Yeah, almost 20 years, yeah.
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	I see you as a youngster.
	Yeah, well I feel like a youngster in this business.
	Yeah.
	It took me until like about five years ago to really wake up.
	How old are you?
	Uh, 41. I remember when Rodney told me, because I asked him, maybe it wasn't Rodney, it might have been some other old guy comic, because I hung out with all of them.
	I loved them.
	But maybe it was Rodney.
	But he said, you know, because I go, when do you get to the jamming part, you know?
	And he said, oh, it takes about 30 to 35 years to create a comic.
	Wow.
	And I'd already been doing it 20 or so years.
	And I was kind of offended.
	And I was like, well...
	He goes, you know, it takes that fucking long to arrange your brain to get to that step of knowing the craft and being able to create it in the now.
	Right.
	And now, you know, it's been 40 years and I'm really enjoying that feeling of freedom and like being able to...
	Create in the now on stage.
	You're like a star, too, so it's a little different.
	Did you take time off from stand-up?
	Oh, years.
	What was the long years of time?
	Fifteen years.
	Yeah, so there you go.
	You're going to have to make up for that.
	Yeah, because I always was working, and so it takes so much.
	Of course.
	Focus and all that shit to get an hour.
	Oh, for sure.
	I remember Paul Reiser.
	You've got so much material.
	We were talking about how prolific you are.
	It's like every day.
	I don't sit in a writer's room.
	It's the Roseanne show.
	It's named after you.
	That is a tremendous amount of work.
	Then you were doing all these other things.
	I just have my little stand-up.
	I can all day just see things and write things.
	That's what Tyler Fisher says, too.
	It's all I have.
	I don't have a wife or kids.
	It's very easy to always be thinking of things and tinkering with things.
	They go, oh, you sold out the two shows.
	I go, let's add a third.
	I'll do more jokes.
	I always think to myself...
	It's just impressive to watch someone like you do the stand-up because I'm like, man, she's doing all this other crap.
	There's just all this other stuff.
	I didn't do a lot for about...
	I guess it was three or four years where I was just stewing in my shit.
	Oh, really?
	While trying to get back up off the mat.
	Sure.
	But I imagine stand-up would have been a great place to just go, hey, here's...
	That's what I did.
	I went back to stand-up because...
	You know, I needed to.
	You can have a voice.
	Yeah, you can like defend yourself.
	It's so unfair when those things happen.
	Yeah, but it was...
	Or podcast is a great space for that too.
	Yeah, but just to go back to the relationship with the audience, that live thing.
	Oh, it's the best.
	And if they came to see you, they like you.
	Yeah.
	So it's like, you know, people aren't gonna...
	I like it when they don't like me too.
	That was the one thing when I was in Austin at Joe's place before he...
	Did the mothership.
	And somebody was...
	Ron White or somebody was bringing me up.
	No, it was my other friend that doesn't talk to me anymore.
	Who?
	What's his name?
	Well, it was Ron White that intro'd you, but...
	The other one, the crazy one.
	God damn it.
	I don't think about it.
	Sorry.
	Was someone done talking?
	Yeah, he goes crazy.
	And then he calls me every five years.
	Are you mad at me?
	I go, I thought you were mad at me.
	We're just both crazy.
	But he's a great comic.
	What's the one that I was going to...
	I thought it was Tony and Ron White.
	No, the one that lives in Arizona.
	Bisbee, Arizona.
	Oh, you're talking about Doug Stanhope.
	Yeah, Doug Stanhope.
	Oh, yeah, he's crazy.
	So he's like, you got to go on.
	And my daughter was with me and she goes, don't go on here.
	It's a blue city.
	They're going to hate your guts.
	So I was drunk.
	So I go, fuck off.
	Yeah, who cares?
	So I went up there and I just...
	And it was a blue city and it went great.
	That's great.
	So I kept doing it.
	Because I was like, they're going to hate me, so I have to shift into third gear or something.
	It just all came back.
	I love that.
	Don't you love that?
	I love it.
	And also, people will sometimes see my act.
	They go, no way you do that in Los Angeles.
	I go, yes I do.
	And also, no matter what the audience is, I give them a lot of credit.
	They're going to recognize if a joke's funny.
	And it's almost better when I have people watching me that I know they hate me, and then they laugh, and I'm like, that feels great.
	Because they didn't want to.
	This isn't about agreeing with me.
	This is about...
	Laughter.
	It's about comedy.
	Yeah.
	So I don't need you to agree with me or to vote in any certain way.
	If I went up there and did my job and made you laugh, that's the job.
	Yeah.
	Do you get heckled a lot?
	No, never.
	Really?
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	I used to get...
	When I first started, I had as many hecklers as anyone else who's unknown.
	But...
	As time has progressed and I've gotten up better in my act, I don't talk to the crowd much, so they learn early, like, we're just not going to talk to this guy.
	And then two, it's like, the people who might be considered hecklers in my audience are just really...
	Overexcited people.
	They're just happy to be there.
	So they're like, we love you.
	Or they'll say a joke, take your shirt off or something sexual like that.
	But that's not heckling.
	That's just someone who's happy to be there.
	But you're doing non-wrote comedy in California, which got a lot of comics we know in a lot of trouble.
	There was hecklers that got thrown out.
	I had one guy push back on a joke.
	I was making fun of the homeless.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I had a great homeless joke.
	Never punched down.
	And this guy was...
	Guy got all pissed off to impress his girlfriend, but then I basically just ranted to him.
	What was the joke?
	What was the joke about the poor homeless?
	Oh, I've got tons of homeless jokes.
	You're horrible to make fun of the homeless.
	I want to hear it.
	They're terrible.
	I'm over it.
	My sympathy's got...
	I started the joke, so I was talking about traffic or whatever mundane subject I was talking about.
	Then I just kind of look into the audience thoughtfully, and I'm like, why do homeless people have so much stuff?
	You think that'd be the best part about being homeless is you don't have, you know, stuff.
	You're not a capitalistic, social, like, possessions.
	But no, they got tons of stuff.
	Some of it's my stuff!
	But it's just me, and this guy, like, threw a big fit.
	And I then lectured him.
	I was like, shame on you.
	I've been up here 15 minutes.
	I've made fun of alcoholics, right?
	Alcoholism.
	I made fun of women.
	I was very aggressive and so were all the other comics about everything racial.
	But then you heard one that you couldn't handle and you wanted to be a little brave boy in front of your girlfriend.
	Comedy's about making fun of things.
	And it wasn't even funny.
	It was just me lecturing him about comedy.
	And the place stood up and clapped and I was like, alright, I'm out of here.
	Yeah, we're sick of being held down and told you can't make fun of the powerful.
	Yeah.
	Or punching down.
	I don't mind.
	I'll punch down.
	I'm with you.
	Thank you.
	I don't care at all.
	Yeah, no shit.
	Because I don't see it as down.
	No, it's just funny.
	There is no down.
	In fact, to imply I'm punching down makes it sound like I think I'm above someone.
	Yeah, it does.
	I'm not.
	And also, I'm not talking about some boxcar hobo with a bindle stick.
	I'm talking about the 7,000 pill-addled drug addicts jerking off in front of the school.
	But enough about Congress.
	So, I love your whole alcoholic trajectory.
	I want to go there because it's so dark and hilarious.
	Let's talk about it, yeah.
	So, how do you worm your way into becoming a full-blown alcoholic?
	Well, we talked about it before the podcast, is that I only kind of have one gear.
	I was a church kid and a pretty late bloomer.
	So kind of nerdy and goofy and skinny.
	And a church kid.
	So I didn't have a lot of opportunities with women.
	They weren't throwing themselves at me.
	But then also my brain was like, I'm waiting until I'm married.
	So then once I had sex for the first time ever, like at 21 years old.
	Oh, is that your first time?
	Oh my gosh.
	That created a monster.
	Because I'm like, now I'm going to do this as often as possible with any woman who wants to.
	That created a monster.
	And then same with alcohol.
	I didn't have a drop of alcohol until I was 21. And then that created a monster.
	I'm like, I'm going to drink every day.
	It felt cool to have a beer.
	Did you combine alcohol with having sex?
	Oh, all the time.
	Because that's kind of the thing that makes you into alcohol.
	And towards the end, pills and alcohol.
	Oh, good.
	Because all my friends...
	Oh, good.
	Because all my friends were partying at my house and they're doing cocaine.
	And so they're up all night.
	But since I was just drinking, I would like pass out, you know, bring a girl upstairs and go to bed or whatever.
	And then I'd hear them party until like 6am and I'd be like so jealous.
	Like, man, those guys are, I'm missing out on the party, you know?
	So then I started like popping like Adderall while I drink.
	And then that's when the...
	All the problems got darker as far as sending texts I don't remember, ranting about some shit I knew nothing about just to sound smart or something, or drinking and driving, all those kind of things.
	That's when it started.
	Was that to get girls?
	Did you get more girls when you was acting that way than you did without?
	I think I did.
	Yeah.
	Because the opportunity presented itself more often.
	Well, maybe you were more courageous to approach him.
	That's it.
	It was more like the setting of drinking is a sexual setting.
	Like, oh, this is heading in a direction, you know?
	Whereas opposed to like, if there's a woman I'm interested in now, I'm like, let's hang out.
	And then you're kind of like waiting for the other person.
	You don't really know.
	Like, I know the moves when you're drinking, you know?
	Yeah.
	It's tricky.
	Yeah, that would be weird.
	So, you know, yeah.
	It's so funny because it's like you have so much courage to go on stage.
	Oh, yeah.
	But then in one-to-one interactions, there's none of that courage, right?
	Yeah, it is strange.
	I blame young people for this, but I'm also guilty of it.
	I have way more game messaging.
	Yeah.
	Because then there's, for whatever reason, maybe I've just practiced that more, but like I take way more risks verbally.
	Well, because you don't have to see them.
	Yeah.
	You don't have to see how they're looking like when they go.
	Yeah.
	You know, you just keep going.
	Like, oh, that hurt my feelings.
	Yeah, I don't know what it is.
	I hate talking on the phone or face-to-face to people.
	I hate it, too.
	I love to text.
	Oh, I love doing this.
	I love a face-to-face conversation.
	I'm good.
	Like, if I can get her to coffee, I'm good.
	But it's like the, like, let's say there's a beautiful woman across from me at the bar, right?
	And I've had this happen thousands of times.
	I won't just walk over to her and go, Hi, I'm Jeff.
	That sounds so easy, the way I'm describing it.
	Instead, I just stare at her the whole time.
	I probably look like a weirdo.
	Why is this guy just staring at me?
	When you were drinking.
	When I was drinking at bars and stuff.
	My friends would be like, Jeff, she's looking back at you and smiling.
	That's her kind of dropping her nap or her like...
	Her kerchief.
	Her kerchief going like, you know, yes, come on.
	And I just wouldn't.
	And I'd end up leaving the bar after like an hour of just staring at a poor girl.
	Creep.
	But like, I don't know what that is.
	Well, that's part of dyslexia and misreading social cues and not knowing how to interact.
	I was just too afraid of what, I don't know what I thought would happen.
	I don't know.
	No, the intro's the hardest part.
	It's like we were even talking about stand-up.
	Remember, it was Sam Tripoli.
	I find my best pick-up line is...
	Always worked for me, and I was going to use it on you today.
	What the hell is your problem?
	It really works.
	Always.
	And what the hell is your problem?
	So what the hell is your deal?
	What's your fucking problem, pal?
	It is funny.
	But what is your problem, Jeff?
	What do you got to say for yourself, Roseanne?
	That's what I say.
	What do you got to say for yourself?
	What is your fucking problem?
	Oh, I got lots of problems, but I'm really happy with them.
	That's cool.
	Yeah.
	Booze was a problem towards the end.
	It was so fun until it wasn't.
	What's your last...
	Did you have that realization at some point, which I think is the real deal, where you're like, you know what?
	I can't numb myself one more second.
	I think life is twice as exciting when you're present for it.
	And as fun as booze was, it was really great.
	And if you like drinking, drink.
	There's a reason people do it.
	All these vices.
	We don't live here long.
	Enjoy yourself.
	But if it starts interfering with life itself, then take a look at yourself and ask yourself if it's worth it.
	Because I got so much time back by being sober.
	Well, I want to hear about your last time where you're like, okay, God.
	You want rock bottom.
	I want rock bottom.
	I'm going to get sober.
	Yeah, I'll tell you rock bottom.
	Oh, boy, I love these stories.
	So I was drinking and popping pills until late at night.
	What kind of pills?
	Just Adderall.
	Oh.
	And I had people at my house, but I knew I was going to go meet my ex-girlfriend the next morning.
	Now, to give you some context on that, I hadn't seen her for two years.
	In Jeff Brain, I'm still in love with her.
	I think that she's, you know, the best woman I've ever been with.
	I was very, very enamored by her.
	In her brain, I was just some distraction she had while she went through a divorce.
	I wasn't even really her boyfriend.
	And that's okay.
	That's just where she was.
	I wasn't as important to her as she was to me.
	But for some reason in my brain, I'm like, she wants to get coffee.
	With me.
	And she's in California.
	Maybe.
	Maybe this'll...
	So I'm celebrating in a bit.
	Like, in a way, I'm celebrating the night before.
	Like, I'm gonna meet with my ex-girlfriend tomorrow.
	It's gonna go great.
	I'm gonna...
	She'll see me.
	We're gonna get married.
	Yeah, you know, I'm just an idiot.
	Yeah.
	But I was like a little puppy dog.
	Just excited.
	But because I drank so much the night before, I went to bed at a decent hour for an alcoholic.
	It was like 1am or whatever.
	And for a Saturday night, that's pretty good for me.
	I'm thinking I'm going to bed early.
	So I wake up at like...
	8am or 9am or something like that and my phone is ringing off the hook.
	I'm late.
	I slept through my alarm.
	Bad first impression if I'm trying to win her back is now she's waiting at a coffee shop for me.
	Oh no.
	So I'm like an idiot.
	I'm afraid she's gonna say like, I'm just, we'll do this another time or you know, whatever.
	Throw a little fit.
	So I... Just as quick as I could, jumped in my car.
	And I'm driving my car.
	I'm whizzing in and out of traffic, trying to get there as quick as possible.
	Lose control.
	Oh no!
	Hit a tree.
	Oh no!
	So embarrassing.
	The car is...
	I mean, a wreck.
	I went through a bunch of lanes of traffic, smashed into the street, windshield smashed, all the things smashed.
	Were you still drunk?
	I think that was from the night before.
	And also, you get up in a hurry.
	But I did sleep for like seven or eight hours.
	That ain't enough.
	That ain't enough, especially how much my tolerance was from being an alcoholic for so long.
	I could drink a lot.
	And that's not a brag.
	It's just I'm a big guy.
	And if you drink as often as I was from morning to night, you get a pretty high tolerance.
	So anyways.
	I was like, well, I don't want to miss this opportunity to see my ex.
	And also, I've always been a runner.
	So I ran from the car.
	Oh, it gets way worse.
	That's just the beginning.
	So it's not like no one saw this.
	It's a huge car crash in front of a tree.
	So people are coming out of buildings.
	People are coming out of the laundromat.
	Like, are you okay?
	And I'm like, I'm fine!
	And I'm just running.
	I run down the street.
	That's a hit and run, isn't it?
	Well, I guess it's a tree, so I don't know if it's a hit and run, but just left the scene of an accident.
	And it's like the car's on fire, you know?
	And I'm just like, just gonna do a quick jog!
	You know, just trying to hope nobody saw me, but everyone saw me, and there's cameras everywhere.
	Also, the Tesla footage, it's just me going...
	The cars record you.
	So that's embarrassing, and God knows what I said in the thing.
	So I run, like...
	It's probably over a mile, but it's all adrenaline.
	Just adrenaline.
	So it felt like nothing to me.
	So I get to the coffee shop and there's my ex-girlfriend and I'm like, hey!
	I act like nothing happened.
	But I'm in my mind going, what am I going to do?
	I was probably going to tell her once we sat down and had coffee or something, but in my mind I'm just like, I don't know what to do here.
	And she's like, how have you been?
	I'm like, I'm good.
	I don't know what to say.
	It's all adrenaline.
	I order my coffee.
	I go to this coffee shop all the time.
	So I know the baristas, which is a big part of me picking that, is I wanted her to see, like, oh, I'm cool.
	I know everyone here.
	So I'm talking to the baristas.
	We order our coffee.
	And then I'm just sitting there, and all of a sudden a cop comes in.
	He goes, hey, did you drive here?
	And I turned, and I'm not a good liar or nothing.
	I was like, huh?
	I just kind of turned away from him and tried to ignore him or something.
	And then he goes, hey, did you two drive here together?
	And then I looked at her and I was like, I wanted her to lie maybe.
	I didn't know what to do.
	So I finally just turned to him and I go, can we do this outside?
	And he's like, huh?
	Because I didn't want the baristas to see it.
	I didn't want her to see it.
	So then...
	I'm trying to get him to go down the street.
	I'm like, let's go down the street.
	I don't want to do this in front of...
	Because even the people at that coffee shop, although I don't know them by name or anything, they know I'm like a regular.
	We see the same customers and all this different stuff.
	So all the baristas are looking out the window.
	My ex, who I'm in love...
	Not my ex.
	A girl I dated that I was in love with is now looking out the window.
	Everyone's trying to figure out what's going on.
	And I'm like, let's go down the street.
	And this guy's like, whoa, man, whoa.
	And he starts to put...
	It got a little handsy and all this different stuff.
	It was very...
	Weird.
	And then I went to jail for 15 hours.
	For leaving the scene of the crime?
	I was over the limit.
	We did all the tests.
	I sat there for a minute after we wrestled around.
	I don't know.
	Well, what happened with the girl?
	Because they take your phone right away.
	So in jail, all I was doing is just thinking like...
	Does everyone know about this?
	And I'm like the laughing stock of my friend group.
	Oh, she saw everything.
	She saw them put me in the thing.
	Also, I tried every angle with the cops.
	I tried with like, hey man, this is nothing.
	Then I went to stage two.
	I'm like, hey, she's famous.
	That girl in there, she's famous.
	So that didn't work.
	I was like, well, you know, I'm a comedian.
	That didn't work.
	You don't give a shit what I do.
	And then I tried literally every kind of whatever I could get.
	It didn't work.
	He still took me to jail.
	Also, jail's scary.
	You ever been to jail?
	Yeah.
	Dude, those people suck.
	Yeah, they do.
	Everyone in there, I was like, I don't ever want to come back to this place.
	Yeah, that's what I thought too.
	They're so scary.
	I never saw women like that before or after in my whole life.
	Mom, we keep telling people to do precious metals.
	We tell them for a reason.
	We don't need to get into it.
	People that watch the show know that we talk about it all the time.
	And with good reason, it's real money.
	Everybody's talking about it.
	Everybody does.
	And especially now.
	With Trump winning and the stock market, it's doing well now, but it's just a crazy time and everybody's seen how crazy it is finally.
	I think the Great Awakening happened, so to speak, and you really want to put your money in precious metals as much as you can afford to protect your wealth.
	It's not an investment, it's to protect your wealth.
	That's simple.
	I urge you all to do it.
	Don't wait till it's too late.
	Visit NobleGoldInvestments.com now and bag up to 10 1-ounce silver Trump coins or a 10-ounce silver American flag bar with a qualifying account.
	That's RoseanneBarGold.com.
	Noble Gold Investments.
	Protect your wealth while you still can.
	Yeah, you can buy silver and gold or roll your art.
	IRA over lots of smart things to do.
	Well, they put me in detox.
	Oh.
	So, at first.
	And I'm detoxing from the night before alcohol that I'm not even feeling, really.
	They're detoxing.
	Like, these are like homeless guys and shit that are like detoxing from like, you know, meth or heroin or something.
	So, they're like having a physical reaction to the detox.
	Yikes.
	They're like headbutting the glass until they bleed.
	Oh, shoot.
	Yeah, I mean, it was really scary in there at first, especially.
	So yeah, and so when I got out, I looked at my phone and no one had heard or known anything about it.
	They thought I just was being quiet and not texting that day.
	So luckily I wasn't like the laughing stock of the world.
	And so I was like, oh, the worst day of my life.
	I'm not going to be humiliated by everybody.
	It's only who I tell are going to know about it.
	And then I texted her.
	I said, hey, I tried to play it down because I was so humiliated.
	I was like, oh, yeah.
	I crashed my car and then I ran because I started thinking to myself.
	The real reason I ran, too, is because I thought, oh, they're going to start asking questions if I was drinking.
	I could suspect that that's where that was headed.
	Long story short, she was like, oh, my gosh, you're nuts.
	And she seemed like she was so like...
	You know, nice about it because I thought we had a friendly relationship.
	I must have been wrong.
	She was like, oh man, that's crazy.
	You know, like you're a nut.
	You just left your car and I was like, yeah, I was scared.
	I was just like, you know, trying to get to this date or whatever.
	And she's like, oh, you know, and it seemed like it was no big deal.
	I'm going through everything.
	My manager takes me to the courthouse, the whole thing.
	You know, I had to go and bought a new car the next day.
	Then she told it on her podcast.
	Uh-oh.
	Yeah, and made me look like a pretty big loser.
	And also the thing, too, is she didn't say my name or whatever.
	Have you ever listened to someone talk about you and they don't?
	They're not aware that you're listening to it.
	The way she spoke about me crushed my heart.
	The way she was talking about me, she was like, I don't even know why I agreed to go to coffee.
	And then her co-host is like, yeah, why would you go to coffee with him?
	She's like, never again.
	She talked about me like I was the biggest loser stranger in the world.
	And then obviously the tabloids and everybody knew exactly who she's talking about.
	So it became this big story.
	And that was so humiliating.
	I was like, I'm going to have to be sober.
	I'm going to start telling her secrets on everything.
	And I didn't want to drunkenly deal with the mess.
	But didn't the judge tell you you had to get sober?
	No, that's just in my act.
	I love that joke.
	Although I did have to go see a therapist.
	So sometimes in my act, I'll use it for that part.
	I'll be like, I'm in therapy.
	It's court ordered.
	But the actual sobriety was my choice.
	And then I just started feeling so much better.
	Because as you age, you know, you get the aches and the pains.
	And waking up without alcohol, I was like, man, I feel like a superhero.
	Like, it's crazy.
	So you like it?
	I really love it, yeah.
	And so, how long's it been since you've been sober?
	14 months.
	Congrats.
	That's over a year.
	Yeah, a year and two months.
	Do you go to all them funky meetings?
	Sometimes, yeah, but only because I go to one meeting only, and it's all comics.
	Oh, yeah, I used to love to go there.
	Because you can steal material.
	No, I'm kidding.
	But no, they have good stories.
	Yeah, and also there are people who love me and they understand the business and we'll bitch about the same things.
	People are in their shares.
	It's like a two-minute share, three-minute share.
	And they'll be like...
	This week is Netflix is a joke, and I wasn't invited to it.
	We're all kind of complaining about the business in a way, too, but we're all addicts, so it worked out.
	That sounds like a great podcast if you film that.
	But it's anonymous.
	It was a joke.
	I was married to a drug addict, alcoholic, who shall remain nameless.
	Very liberal.
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah.
	He used to have the AA meetings at our house because, you know, they were all a lot of famous guys and him.
	Yeah.
	But no, like all these rock star guys and they have it down in my living room and I'm horrible.
	And so I would, like, listen through the heating vents.
	Of course.
	So what they were saying.
	And then later, I would say, all these guys came to my house for Alcoholics Anonymous, and I would name them.
	Oh, that's funny.
	You know who was here?
	Yeah.
	Start naming the guys.
	Yeah, for the...
	I do like saying...
	I made the names up.
	But still funny.
	Yeah.
	I like doing the...
	I like saying...
	Jeff Dye, alcoholic.
	That's always my favorite thing to do, first and last name.
	And point to myself enthusiastically before I share.
	You should be proud of being an alcoholic.
	That's fun.
	But I did hear really big stars talk about my favorite one I heard down the heat in bed.
	There's this one.
	He's dead now, so it's okay.
	But he's like, well, yeah.
	I guess I shouldn't say his name either, but I will.
	He's like, yeah, well, Ringo was saying, well, I'm getting a blowjob from Miss Sweden.
	That was one of the ones I heard.
	Just comparing, like, yeah.
	Yeah, who they're getting a blowjob from.
	It's weird that your resume would be part of that.
	They're still bragging.
	And I was like, yeah.
	It's like, aren't you supposed to be talking about your relationship with your higher power?
	Yeah, isn't that supposed to be some sort of thing?
	They were all just talking about who they got blowjobs from.
	They're all bragging, in a way.
	Yeah.
	I feel like that with the church.
	I grew up in the church, and anytime someone would tell me their testimony, it was like they were like...
	I feel like they were a little too proud of it.
	Yeah.
	They're like, oh buddy, me back in my 20s.
	I had fun.
	Dude, I was really lost.
	You know, they would like mask it.
	They would like use these buzzwords for the church.
	Yeah.
	I was just a lost sinner, Jeff.
	I was having sex with some of the most beautiful girls.
	You're just bragging to me.
	Yeah, right?
	Yeah, it's very weird.
	That's what I always thought too.
	Your testimonies suck.
	It sounds more exciting.
	That's what I used to say.
	You guys are just all getting together.
	Talk about the fun you used to have.
	Yeah, exactly.
	It's pretty easy to get clean when you've lived like that for so long.
	Yeah, no shit.
	Getting blowjobs.
	You got it all out of your system.
	Now you can't have that life and now you've chose to.
	That's pretty funny.
	But they would do good things.
	AA's been really beautiful for me, but I think it's because they're all comics.
	I think that's why I've taken to it so much.
	Did it change your comedy to get sober and go through that?
	Yeah, sobriety's helped my comedy a lot.
	Because I used to always joke that I would have been more successful if I stopped drinking earlier, because the early show's always great.
	And everyone in the early show is like, man, this guy should be more successful.
	He was really funny.
	But then the late show, you know, everyone's like, we want our money back.
	That guy's just drunk up there.
	I'm just like in the front row going, cool tits.
	You know, just like literally like I was a terrible comic because I would just get hammered in between shows.
	Ron White tells the best story about that, like, doing one show where he killed, so he got all fucked up, and then the next show was death.
	Yeah, it's terrible.
	And that's when the press came to review it.
	Oh, no.
	All those stories.
	Well, that's what it feels like.
	It'd be like if you were, like, a car salesman, and you're like, man.
	Jake's really selling a lot of cars.
	Let's go get him fucked up at lunch.
	Your second half of your shift, you're just terrible.
	That's what it feels like in comedy, for sure.
	Plus, we have such a fun job.
	Our bosses are shocked when we don't do drugs.
	The bosses of these comedy clubs, they're not a very professional boss.
	They just give you free alcohol.
	They give you free drugs.
	If you do poorly, the only stand-up comedy is the only job where even if I do bad, the manager of the comedy club will be like, fuck them.
	They don't even care if I did good or not.
	That's crazy.
	Till you don't sell tickets.
	That's different.
	But I'm saying the actual stand-up part, they don't give a shit about.
	Not till you don't sell tickets.
	You gotta still make them some money.
	Then it's like, no, you won't be back.
	Yeah, but if it was sold out.
	We thought you were funny.
	But if it was sold out, then you could do anything you want up there.
	Yeah, I've been through the up and down and the whole thing over 40 years.
	I can't imagine you being in the down.
	Oh, honey.
	Well, in life I can.
	Or like in your temperament or your whatever.
	But I'm saying like in ticket sales, when would anyone not pay to see your shows?
	You know, in the 15 years when I didn't do it.
	Oh, okay.
	People, you know, thought, well, they thought I was the TV character.
	And they forgot that I did stand up.
	So I had to go out there and start all over again, you know?
	Oh, interesting.
	And they're like, we didn't even, we didn't even know you.
	Did that?
	I don't know what timeline that is, but at least when I was watching you on television, every show was just a stand-up comic.
	Everybody Loves Raymond was Ray Romano's stand-up sitcom.
	It's a Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Reiser, literally Brett Butler, Mark Curry for Hanging with Mr. Cooper.
	What was it, Thea even had a show?
	Yeah.
	Those were all stand-ups.
	It just got a sitcom.
	Yeah.
	Even Bob Saget.
	I mean, he was a comic, and then he was on America's Funniest videos in Full House.
	He was really funny.
	I love that guy.
	Yeah, very funny.
	Do you ever follow all that Bob Saget conspiracy theory shit about how he died?
	I looked into...
	You know, it's actually funny you're bringing that up, because I used to always say that, like, shouldn't we look into that?
	Mm-hmm.
	Yeah.
	People are afraid to look into a thing out of, like, they'll say, like...
	So, for example, if...
	If you thought 9-11 was an inside job, you'd be socially pressured to keep that to yourself out of respect for people who are dealing with the tragedy, right?
	But it doesn't help those people dealing with the tragedy if it really was an inside job.
	We only tend to care about things.
	Or not care about things, but we only tend to look into things once it's too late.
	You know, like the JFK thing, now everybody's on the same page, but now nobody can be held accountable for it because it took too long.
	Same with Bob Saget.
	You might ruffle some feathers by saying that Bob Saget might have had a suspicious death, but if it was something else, we should be looking into it now when it matters.
	Not 20 years from now.
	Well, they wait until the guilty are dead.
	But that sucks.
	Yeah, but...
	I want justice.
	I do, too.
	Yeah.
	But I don't know if we'll ever get it.
	That's what I hate about karma, Roseanne.
	Yeah.
	Takes too fucking long.
	You think it does.
	I feel like it does.
	But, yeah, it looks that way when all these perverts and shit die happy in their bed in their mansions.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	Yeah.
	But I guess everybody says, oh, you never know, but...
	Then you kind of do know, hey, they died happy in their mansion.
	Yeah, exactly.
	So what the fuck is that karma shit?
	Right, exactly.
	Well, they go, well, he probably was in a lot of suffering of guilt.
	No, he wasn't.
	No, he didn't give a shit.
	Yeah, and he's literally thought, yeah, it's crazy.
	But then you got to think, well, this literally is hell.
	So, of course, the bad guys are going to finish first.
	Yeah, I guess.
	I hope that hell is real for people like that.
	It's just crazy that they just get rewarded.
	Don't you think this whole world is just hell?
	Like the fucking good people die and the criminals profit.
	You know, the only thing that keeps it from being...
	The only thing that keeps it just in any way is comedy.
	Yeah.
	I mean, I've never looked at it that way.
	I do ponder, if we're going to talk about this, that maybe Heaven and Hell is here.
	And you choose it every day.
	And I've seen people in hell.
	And I feel like I live in heaven.
	My life is really beautiful.
	I'm very happy.
	It's so cool for me to do this.
	This is my day.
	And then I get to go watch the Lakers game.
	That's heaven.
	I get to literally be with people that make me happy.
	You get to tear shit apart and put it back together in a whole new way to make everybody happy and have a minute of joy.
	Laughter unscrambles all the bullshit for that minute, and it's all about just a higher level of thinking, and I think it lifts people to laugh with a whole group of people that don't look exactly like them.
	Yeah, and also, even if they disagree with me politically, they'll listen to me more.
	Telling a joke about it than they would maybe turning on CNN or Fox News.
	They're at least more open to it.
	Well, those are funny, but they're not that funny.
	What's that?
	CNN. But I'm saying like, if I was a...
	Full Trumper Republican, I would never even consider listening to CNN. And if I'm a real lefty Kamala person, I wouldn't even consider turning on Fox News to hear what they have to say.
	But both of those parties would go to a comedy show and listen to a comic on either side of the aisle.
	So even if someone disagrees with me politically, they would still hear me out and go, that guy's funny, or that guy tried to be funny.
	Yeah, because I always ask the audience who is...
	Who's happy with the election?
	Who's not happy?
	Yeah.
	Just to see how it's, you know, the split of who's who.
	Where have you done that?
	Like, what cities?
	Oh, where did I go last?
	San Antonio and Austin's the last comedy you've done.
	Yeah, San Antonio.
	Do you like Mothership?
	Well, I had a horrible last set there.
	Oh, really?
	So I never went back.
	Well, I went back once.
	To try to make amends to God.
	But I had like a psychotic break.
	Oh, you ate too many mushrooms.
	Yeah.
	That'll do it.
	That green room's full of good stuff.
	Don't ever go in the green room.
	That green room's full of good stuff.
	I smoked their pot and ate their mushrooms.
	And then I went on stage.
	And I should not have done that.
	Yeah, but that happens.
	If anybody should understand, it's all those Austin comics.
	But...
	You know, Tony Hinchcliffe roasted me.
	Back in the day on Comedy Central?
	The night I bombed.
	He came off stage after.
	He didn't think I was there.
	He thought I was up getting effed up in the green room.
	But I was backstage listening.
	And he came off stage and saw me.
	And his eyes go like this.
	Yeah, exactly, yeah.
	And I go, you dirty motherfucker.
	I will get so fucking even with you expected.
	But he had a great joke about me.
	He goes, Christ, if I wanted to see an old lady bomb, I would have voted for Hillary Clinton.
	That's good.
	What's your favorite insult anybody's ever hit you with?
	Her personally?
	I love to be insulted.
	Me too.
	That's why I said, what's your favorite?
	I know you've got a good sense of humor.
	They always go off on me for crazy being married to Tom Arnold.
	Just the crazy thing always cracks me up.
	I've got a special on YouTube right now called The Last Cowboy in LA. So I was booking all these podcasts, again, kind of like a clump.
	So I did Matt McCuskers, I did Joe Rogan, I did Your Mom's House with Tom Segurion, kind of the normal run of good podcasts.
	And one of my favorite comments was a guy wrote, he wrote, this dude's already ruined three podcasts for me this week.
	I just thought that was the best insult.
	I didn't just hate this guy, but every podcast I listen to, he keeps being the guest on.
	I just thought that was so funny.
	I got people who love to hate me.
	Yeah.
	My fans that hate me.
	I love them.
	And this one person goes everywhere that I'm on and posts the same thing, and it's hilarious.
	I always give him the thumbs up, but it goes, The Conners is my favorite show.
	Oh, that's good.
	That was, did you make, I don't know if you've already, you've probably already talked about this on your podcast a million times, but did you make, did they have to pay you or anything for the Conners?
	No, they stole it.
	You're kidding, they're allowed to do it?
	No, they stole the whole thing.
	And then they, oh my God, don't get me started.
	Yeah, it's very sad.
	They stole the whole thing and I don't make a dollar off them six years.
	That's wild.
	It's horrible, isn't it?
	Yeah.
	Was Whitney Cummings a part of the Roseanne Show?
	She thought she was.
	Me and her got in some fucking knockdown dragouts.
	Oh, really?
	Well, she worked on it that 10 seasons.
	She did.
	She worked on it.
	On the reboot or on the original?
	On the reboot.
	She worked on the reboot.
	I thought she was part of the original.
	No.
	Tom Warner hired her to be one of the head writers.
	I think she was one of the head writers.
	She really knew how to draw an outline on the blackboard.
	I've never seen anyone so adept at drawing an outline on the blackboard, such as act one, scene one, scene two, scene three, act two, scene one.
	Was there stuff after that, or was it just the colon?
	Just the outline.
	She's good at that.
	None of the story, just the outline.
	She didn't get asked that.
	She could break down a story, but, you know, I thought she could break down a story, but she was a complete...
	Fucking out of her fucking mind.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah.
	We're just crazy.
	Yeah, I don't know her very good.
	She reminds me of...
	I just thought she was a writer on it because I remember...
	Yeah, she was.
	She was, yeah.
	You can let it fall.
	But she would say things like...
	Just let it fall.
	Imagine the most classist fucking thing you could think that a libtard would say about deplorable...
	Toothless, working class people.
	Yeah, and she would say that.
	Yeah.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	You know, she's...
	She's a Trumper now, right?
	Oh, she is?
	It's not out, but you can see it.
	And she does talk a lot about being pushed a little bit more conservative.
	This is like Sarah Silverman claiming that she's not woke now.
	It's like every one of these people turned on me during COVID lockdowns because I was the only one who was willing to say on screen.
	Plenty of people were willing to say it off screen.
	I was the only one on my Instagram going, this is bullshit.
	I'm not going to get the vax and I'm not going to wear the mask and I'm not going to lock down in my house.
	And then when I put the...
	The cherry on the top was when Black Lives Matter happened.
	I go, this is wrong.
	What's happening is wrong.
	I'm not doing this.
	I'm not going to apologize for a bunch of shit I didn't do.
	You can't just make us look like villains just for being existing.
	And that's when everyone was like, we got to step away from Jeff.
	Jeff's gone crazy.
	And now the same...
	They did that to her too.
	And now they're like, hey, this Trump, this being conservative is pretty cool.
	Yeah, we could say anything.
	And they talk about how they were cancelled.
	Yeah.
	I don't want to talk shit.
	I won't name names, but...
	The wife of someone's podcast you did, old family friend, she goes all on about how she was cancelled and so edgy, and she didn't say shit when my mom got cancelled.
	She was a family friend.
	And now they're all moving to their right, and they're like, yeah, this is edgy comedy.
	It makes me so mad.
	It is so very hypocritical.
	Yeah, where were you when we actually, when comics were getting cancelled, when I was getting cancelled?
	You were a fucking libtard.
	Yeah, it's crazy to me.
	Yeah, they were all, but, you know, that's how things go.
	I'm just glad they moved.
	More center.
	Away from the extremes.
	I was there when I thought it was going too far extreme right.
	I always like to make sure it doesn't go extreme.
	Either way.
	That's what comedy is about.
	The middle.
	I don't know if it's as middle as much as it is just being reasonable.
	That is the middle.
	Common sense.
	Very often you'd say Every issue could have a nice middle to it.
	You didn't have to point out an obvious exception to defend your position.
	I don't know.
	Maybe Christians could be like, hey, plan B is fine.
	Or maybe we could agree on maybe not killing a baby at seven months.
	I think we could all agree on that, couldn't we?
	But who is going to stand their argument at an eight-month baby?
	I know.
	Or fetus, or whatever the hell.
	So it's like, was anyone who's just realistic?
	Have the conversations.
	Yes, cut whatever body part you want off.
	Maybe don't have the taxes pay for it.
	Maybe it's not covered by healthcare from other people.
	Maybe don't do it to kids.
	Yeah, exactly.
	Those conversations could happen and we could meet a reasonable...
	Absolutely.
	Instead, they just want to stay in their parties and argue and yell at each other.
	Well, because they're just completely insane.
	Yeah, it's tribal.
	They find their tribe and they just go, this is what...
	No, it's not tribal because tribal's for self, you know, Survival?
	Yeah.
	Tribal is people banding together to live.
	Yeah.
	So they're not tribal.
	They're like suicidal.
	That's a good point.
	They're fucking suicidal empathy.
	It is weird.
	Yeah, it's very...
	I don't understand it.
	I mean, it's for survival in there.
	I mean, think about it.
	It's like, we want to be sterilized by the government.
	Yeah, we'd like to.
	We want to take experimental drugs that may kill us.
	Yeah.
	And we want to pay for it, too.
	What if this government doesn't have the right to tell us that we don't have the right to work for shit, wages in dangerous places?
	That's the libertarians to me.
	That's exactly the libertarians, yeah.
	I used to think I was a libertarian at first.
	They're all fucking crazy.
	Because it sounds good.
	If you only listen to a little bit of libertarians, they seduce you.
	They're like, hey, why should the government tell you what to do with your house?
	And I go...
	Hell yeah.
	And then they go, why should the government give you water?
	And you're like, wait, how am I going to get water?
	Like at first I was on board and now I'm going, wait, what the hell is going on here?
	It's like, oh good, let's not have a government.
	So then...
	The billionaires can just run every fucking thing we do.
	Yeah, exactly.
	Yeah, let's not have any government to protect us.
	Yeah, stupid fucking lemming.
	Well, the government gets rich off these things, too.
	It's like everyone's looking for their answers in the government on the left.
	They're like, well, we should make a system.
	It's like those systems fail over and over, and they're very expensive systems.
	Yeah, because it's built in for chaos.
	It's built in to make money.
	Well, also, I mean, it's so evil.
	It's just a...
	It's just an evil, because evil is stupidity.
	Sanctioned stupidity is evil, because that's against the better interests of everyone alive.
	Yeah, it's very weird that people, like, I just don't think, I don't understand how people don't question more things.
	Like, they just kind of trust it all, I feel like.
	Yeah, don't they?
	Like, I'll say, well, why wouldn't you believe?
	In Aliens.
	And they're like, cuz.
	Like, I know, but why?
	Like, do you need to see it on the news?
	Like, what would do it for you?
	Like, uh, like...
	If there's all these sightings of Bigfoot or aliens or something, like, what do you need before you acknowledge it?
	And it's like, well, I don't know if it was in a zoo.
	You're like, okay, I guess.
	Like, why is that your measurement of what is real or not real?
	It's just a strange thing.
	It's like they just want to do what they're told.
	Yeah, it's very strange.
	What do you think of those orbs?
	Yeah, I think that's how things travel.
	I think that's how spirits travel.
	I think that's how beings travel that we don't understand.
	I think that's how you get from things, is light.
	I figured, yeah, I do too.
	And then I was thinking, hey, maybe there are thought bubbles in this fucking cartoon we're living in.
	You're talking about the drones, right?
	No, you're talking about the orbs or the drones.
	Oh, okay.
	You're talking about the drones, sorry.
	No, the drones have got to be a military thing.
	What I'm worried about is what they're looking for.
	So if all those drones, whether they're from, there's no way that they're foreign.
	I think they're domestic.
	100%.
	But like, what are they looking for?
	Is there like a nuke in New Jersey that we don't know about?
	That's what I wonder.
	What are they possibly scanning for?
	Dude, send him that article that you sent me.
	Do you know Tory?
	But we'll play it later because it's too late to get over.
	But essentially, it's AI. This is a belief.
	It's surveillance drones, but they're AI. So they don't really, they're just looking for threats.
	Interesting.
	They know how to avoid radar.
	Some people say they're looking for radioactive.
	Well, they might be looking for, they might be programmed to look, like, the weirdest thing was Trump's...
	They might be looking for that uranium that's missing.
	Well, they could also, they're programmed, you saw that Israeli assassination last year with the drone, right?
	Yeah.
	The face scan drone.
	Yeah.
	So, all I'll say is...
	I am so proud of the Jewish people as a Jew, I just have to say, because, I mean, I... I'm really proud that they can blow up people with the pagers and stuff.
	Yeah, it's awesome.
	That's like next level shit.
	Yeah, really tech.
	High tech.
	High tech.
	It's next level.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	I'm surprised.
	It's like you thought you were smarter than the Jews, but you're not.
	Now that they've got these murder drones.
	Yeah.
	Well, that's what I'm saying.
	There's no fucking way.
	I don't understand why people who blame the Jews for everything and say the Jews control everything and then say...
	You know, and I'm against that.
	How stupid is that?
	To get out there in public, the damn Jews control everything, including the weather, and I'm against them.
	Well, you stupid motherfucker.
	They control it.
	Fall in line.
	They're going to come for you, you stupid bastards.
	And then I'm like, why would they taunt a people that are so PTSD and have nukes?
	I'm surprised.
	More Jewish people haven't come to the right politically.
	Me too.
	I tried to get them there.
	After all the Middle East stuff, you would think for sure they would abandon the left.
	No, but they are.
	Because Israel has their deep state just like we do, and it's the same people.
	And so over there, they voted out all the leftists and woke up and they go...
	These people are getting us killed.
	Yes.
	Yeah, it would be pretty easy for me to, like, if I was, you know, my mom's Jewish, but, like, we don't know much about it, really.
	But, like, it would be pretty easy for me to go, oh, this is pretty anti-Semitic.
	This is pretty egregious, what's happening.
	Like, I don't know.
	I'm surprised more.
	I'm surprised not all Jews aren't just Republican now.
	I am too.
	Yeah.
	It's a horrible psyop.
	Yeah, it's very strange.
	It's a psyop to destroy the Western world.
	Like Libya and Syria just fell to caliphate, and so everybody on the right and left is blaming Israel.
	I mean, hello?
	Yeah.
	I don't know.
	I literally, the Middle East thing is the most puzzling.
	Of all the current events for me.
	It's because it's commie fucking controlled.
	It's frightening.
	I think it's one of the things you...
	All the other things I go, this will just be a thing that us Americans will bicker about in policy and bills.
	And then whenever I read whatever's happening every hour in the Middle East, it's terrifying.
	I'm actually scared.
	It's never going to stop.
	This isn't a thousand years ago.
	This is now.
	It's the same story forever.
	It's frightening.
	But I mean, I think that...
	It is about intelligence and technology, and nobody can beat Israel.
	And Israel works with Saudi Arabia, and nobody can beat Saudi Arabia either.
	Iran's going down.
	Yeah.
	Well, the U.S. just does what Israel tells them to do.
	Well, and vice versa.
	No, I think it's the other way, and I think the U.S. under Biden is too stupid, and Israel's like, okay, we've hung with you for this long, but bitch, you're wrong, and we're not listening anymore.
	So, against the advice of the Biden-Obama-Bush administration, they just went, we're going to have to do it ourselves.
	And I love that the people of Syria were cheering, as are the people in Iran, as are the Druze people, going, we're sick of this fucking leftist shit too.
	I love it.
	Because it always brings a caliphate.
	Yeah.
	Every time.
	I think, again, maybe we just need more common sense.
	We do.
	And what about God?
	Do you like God?
	Big God guy, yeah.
	Yeah.
	He's like changing everything and he's in control, don't you think?
	100%.
	We might be too stupid to see it yet.
	I'm the only...
	I don't know a lot of comics who talk about religion or God.
	I do.
	I talk to all the comics about that.
	Well, but they don't do it in their act, at least.
	Or they don't talk about it very comfortably.
	Even in AA, they'll say, well, I don't do the whole God thing, or I really struggle with the whole God.
	But it's almost trendy for them to start by saying they reject the God part, but the prayer has helped them.
	And you're like, well, why did you need to do that disclaimer about God?
	Also, AA is about God.
	It's supposed to be.
	They always go, that's the part I really...
	Because they're just so afraid to associate.
	We associate with religion or dogma or Jesus or God.
	It's like, what's the problem?
	Well, it's like, I cannot fathom that anything could be smarter than me.
	Yeah, that's flustering.
	You're like, God thinks he's so great, smarter than me.
	I talk about God in my act.
	I do all the time.
	Do you?
	Yeah, I love it.
	I haven't seen you do that.
	I have a bunch of Jesus stuff and a bunch of God stuff.
	I do a whole bit about Muslims and why our God's better.
	Oh boy, I want to hear it.
	One of the punchlines is, bite it, Muslims, we win.
	Best God.
	My favorite joke in that bit.
	Is that I say, I talk about all the things I like about Jesus, because I start about Muslims, and then I go, no, but Jesus is way better, because he died.
	We don't have to die.
	We don't have to blow ourselves up or anything.
	He died for us.
	So we get to live.
	That's pretty good.
	Also, you can draw him.
	Which is a real strong perk.
	I don't know if you know that.
	Many have died for threatening to even draw the prophet Muhammad or Allah.
	And I'm like, but not Jesus.
	He don't even care.
	You don't even have to draw him correctly.
	Most don't.
	I'll be drawing Jesus.
	Jesus himself could be like, hey, I was from the Middle East.
	I'm like, yeah, yeah, shut the fuck up.
	Draw him with a white nose.
	Cowboy boots.
	I did a joke this weekend that was a little risky, but the crowd loved it.
	Maybe that's because I was in Indiana.
	But I was like, so many people like to talk to me and other Christians about how Jesus wasn't white.
	They think that that's some great argument.
	You know Jesus wasn't white.
	He was from the Middle East.
	One, nobody's religion rests on the race of any of our heroes.
	And then secondly, we only know the genetical makeup of Mary.
	He was half God, half...
	You know, he was from the Holy Spirit.
	And, you know, God's white, so for sure.
	For sure.
	So good.
	At least half white.
	All those assumptions, the things we've filed onto our, you know.
	And then, that's all to keep us from knowing what we're supposed to do.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	Because we're supposed to do something here, don't you think?
	Yeah, but I think it's to inspire and to, like, figure out why we're here.
	Yeah.
	You figured it out.
	And also, it's to fix our own damn self.
	Yeah.
	You know, Jesus said, when you get the desire to pick a splinter out of somebody else's eye, that is a slight indication you got a big fucking beam in yours.
	A plank in your eye.
	Yeah, exactly.
	Isn't that so...
	Smart.
	True?
	Yeah.
	That's why comedy is so great, because I think that's what we're doing.
	I think so, too.
	Like, it's pointing out the truth, and that's why we're so obsessed with it.
	Like, we're tapping into a thing, I think.
	And do you like Rumi?
	Do you know who that is?
	I do.
	The Persian poet?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, till Bianche named one of her kids after him.
	She named her kid Rumi?
	I didn't know that.
	That's wild.
	So that put a damper on it.
	But yeah, I do love Rumi.
	I love him.
	I think that he's...
	Infinitely brilliant.
	But one of my favorite poems he has is called Moses and the Shepherd.
	And I'm going to do a terrible version of summarizing the poem.
	Good, everyone else has, so go for it.
	The poem is something like that Moses is in a caravan or whatever, and he sees a shepherd praying.
	And the shepherd's praying to God, and the shepherd's praying like, Oh, Lord.
	I want to sweep your room while you sleep.
	I want to feed you milk.
	I want to pick the lice from your hair.
	I want to put little socks on your tiny feet.
	And then finally Moses is like, Who are you praying to?
	And then the shepherd's like, You're talking to God like he's your uncle or something.
	This is a very blasphemous way to pray.
	And the shepherd was so humiliated that he had offended God or embarrassed himself praying like that.
	He rips his clothes and he flees.
	And Moses is, you know, that guy's prayed wrong, you know.
	And then God appears to Moses and says, what are you doing?
	People pray to me in different ways.
	The Hindus see me the way Hindus do.
	The Jews see me in a Jewish way.
	I am above your labels and above your languages.
	I'm above your ideas of these things.
	And it's just so smart to look at religion that way.
	Water is a lot of things.
	We call water H2O. We call it Vassar.
	We call it Agawai.
	But it doesn't have a word.
	It just is.
	It just is this thing.
	And I think that's how God or religion is.
	We know right and wrong.
	And we know when we're hurting someone or when we're helping someone.
	And I think that we put our Christian labels or our Jewish labels on these things that are bigger than us.
	Yeah.
	I think so too.
	It's such a beautiful poem.
	You should listen to it.
	It's called Moses and the Shepherd.
	I will listen to it.
	It's so pretty and just a smart way of thinking about our divine.
	It is about divine, isn't it?
	Yeah.
	Comedy is divine.
	100%.
	It's definitely mine.
	I love to watch all comics and talk to them about...
	Because it's so deeply spiritual to me.
	I can see it in other comics.
	Just the creative process.
	And all artists.
	I think especially all artists.
	Like musicians and stuff.
	Generally you're a thinker if you do these kind of things.
	You're wondering about where we come from.
	I remember even really young being obsessed with why we're here.
	For whatever reason that was an interesting question to me.
	What's the point of all this?
	Thinking that way.
	Do you remember your first thought of that?
	I remember my first...
	What age I was questioning it was like third grade.
	Because my friends had no...
	What's that, eight?
	Yeah.
	Because my friends had no answers.
	I was disappointed in them.
	I was like, what do you mean?
	They had all the answers when I asked about Hulk Hogan or Ken Griffey Jr. My friends had so many answers.
	I couldn't get my mind around...
	What was your question?
	I was just going, why are we here?
	What's the point?
	What are we supposed to do?
	I liked those kind of...
	What happens when we die?
	I think that's a big one.
	I was always so afraid of death.
	My grandma died.
	I'm like, oh, what happens?
	Where'd she go?
	What does that mean?
	But I guess those just aren't questions that many people stress themselves out about.
	They say you get those existential questions at about eight years old.
	There you go.
	Your consciousness is formed to where you start having those kind of thoughts at that age or even younger.
	Because we are born conscious beings.
	But I know grown-ups that don't care about those questions.
	Well, they probably did when they were little, but it got scared out of them or beaten out of them to not ask anymore.
	So they lose the awe.
	I talked to RFK about it the first time we ever met.
	I love talking to him about this stuff.
	He's the best.
	He was recommending all these books.
	Links to articles that he has read about what happens when someone gets into a really bad accident or this woman's canoe went over a waterfall and she was technically dead, but her experience of what happened during that.
	He's really into those kind of stuff.
	But I'm like, I wish my friends were more like this.
	The first time we're meeting, we're able to have this.
	It doesn't make him uncomfortable or it doesn't make people feel weird to talk about it.
	I love talking about it.
	My one friend, Colleen Camp, she gave me this book.
	What, 30 years ago?
	Remember her book by Dr. Dink?
	Oh, God, yes.
	It was like how you can tell what needs to be fixed in your life by the marks on your car.
	The dents.
	That's pretty good.
	It's like Louise Hayes, but for car games.
	Yeah, but it was like, okay, you have a dent on the left side of your bumper.
	It means this.
	Oh, that's funny.
	But after you read it, you're like...
	Dr. Dink.
	But then when you read it, it was like every word of this makes sense.
	Well, I think that's why Jesus knew that we were so simple that he talked to us.
	He'd be like, he couldn't just go, hey everyone, treat everyone kindly and love each other and help each other.
	That's the answer.
	They'd look at him like, so he'd have to be like, you're a shepherd, right?
	Okay, if you had a flock of sheep, he'd almost have to like...
	Break it down into dumb people, whatever their job was for them to understand.
	But then he would do these things.
	Dr. Dink did it like Jesus.
	But then he would do these things that defied logic and the physical world, too.
	Yeah, that helped.
	Yeah, but I mean, how awesome is that?
	That's pretty sweet, yeah.
	And they'd sit there, uh-oh, this is something we have no idea about.
	Which is like now, going in a rocket ship to Mars.
	Yeah, something just mind-blowing.
	That stuff happens every day now, and we're like, oh yeah, they're going in a rocket ship to Mars.
	Yeah, it's crazy.
	All the stuff that we're living in.
	I think that, like, that's so...
	I don't stress about the Mars thing much, because like...
	It's so far removed.
	Let's say like in 10 years Elon gets us to Mars.
	Yeah, I want to go.
	There's nothing there.
	Yeah.
	So now...
	You really think that?
	What?
	That there's nothing there?
	That there's nothing on Mars?
	I meant that there's nothing for me there.
	Okay.
	I'm not going to be able to get out and eat.
	I'm not going to be able to...
	What if there's a big dome?
	There's no hotel.
	I bet there is.
	They'd have to build all that shit.
	I think they did.
	I think they used all our money and it's a big ass dome with...
	KFC and strip clubs.
	Oh, you think it's already colonized?
	It's already ready?
	Oh, yeah, I think so.
	That'd be great.
	So then I'm in.
	Now I want to go.
	I'm in some elite group going to Mars.
	But for me, it's like William Shatner.
	I did a show with him, so people always tweet at me anytime he does anything.
	He went to space, right?
	He's one of the first people.
	Oh, yeah, he did.
	But why?
	What is the point?
	Why do you want to go to space?
	The only part about going to space is to brag to everyone that you went to space.
	There's nothing for us up there.
	Going up in this thing, it's basically like taking a flight to Florida, and they never land, and then they just turn back around, and you go, what, you just looked out the window?
	There's nothing up there.
	People make fun of Fort Wayne, Indiana.
	Fort Wayne, Indiana at least has restaurants and people.
	Fort Wayne, Indiana is infinitely more interesting to me than the moon or Mars.
	Yeah, you have a point there.
	There's nothing there!
	It's cool to see the Earth, maybe, the perspectives, the view.
	You're still pretty close once you orbit.
	But I mean, it's just, you know, it's rarefied air.
	I think people just go to brag about it.
	Yeah, for sure.
	And I'm beyond that.
	Like, I'm like over trying to brag.
	Like, I don't want to go to the Super Bowl to show Instagram that I went to the Super Bowl.
	I'd rather be at someone's house watching the Super Bowl with like 50 of my friends.
	Well, you say that me and Jake went to the Super Bowl.
	Yeah, we did.
	And we combined, we prayed, we were praying to God.
	We made it happen.
	Our team won because of our prayers.
	And we prayed to God that the Broncos would...
	Win the Super Bowl.
	What year was that?
	That was 97, John Elway.
	I was going to say, because I went to the Super Bowl and my Seahawks beat the Broncos.
	I don't want to talk about that one.
	Well, we weren't there.
	I was at that one.
	The New York one.
	The one me and Jake was at.
	We was against the cheeseheads, whatever they are.
	They was all wearing cheese on their head.
	And so we're like, we're not going to lose to these fucking cheeseheads.
	And so I go, come on, Jake.
	We're going to use our biblical strength.
	And we're going to pray.
	And we were going like this, and John Elway had the thing, and so I'm going, I'm focusing and sending and manifesting, and the fucker, he kicked the thing, right?
	Well, it was the helicopter play, but what's funny is we were in Packer's territory, and we were in the box.
	Mom took me.
	It was really sweet.
	And we were sitting there like praying and meditating with all these packers.
	They ended up liking us, but we were really kind of...
	Why did you guys root for the Broncos?
	We're from Denver.
	We're from Denver.
	Oh, okay.
	I've been a born Bronco fan.
	Oh, yeah.
	We was all about the Bronco.
	I was there the first time the Broncos ever won the...
	What was it?
	The Orange Crush in 77. I was born in 78. So, you know, we're a long time Bronco fans.
	Real Bronco fans.
	Real Bronco fans.
	Oh, yeah.
	Your geography confuses me.
	Oh, why?
	Well, because I know that you're from Utah, which is why I assumed you were Mormon earlier.
	But then also, you know, Hollywood, you're a giant star.
	Then I moved to Denver.
	Then I hear Austin.
	Well, that's now.
	Well, Denver, then I went to Hollywood.
	Then I moved to Hawaii because his younger brother had to go to a special school for...
	For Hawaiians.
	For...
	Rich kids that are...
	Rich kids that are...
	ADHD. And then I went to Texas.
	Then Texas.
	Yeah.
	All over.
	So I'm all over the place.
	But Broncos, that's interesting.
	We still love the Broncos.
	You know what's funny is that Russell Wilson for the Seahawks really hurt the Broncos in that Super Bowl.
	Then he goes to the Broncos.
	Destroys our friends.
	Destroys you guys from the inside.
	Yeah.
	He's the evil.
	It's almost like they were like, just keep working for the Seahawks, but you're going to be a Bronco.
	I think that's what happened, for real.
	But we got a good young guy now.
	Jake is so happy that they won.
	No, they're winning, but I was there at the Charger game last week.
	And the little girl was only two, and she's standing in front of the TV and yelled, fuck!
	Oh, your daughter?
	Yeah, it's my job as a dad.
	Well, that's how I was raised.
	He said, what did you say?
	I said, fudge!
	Yeah, I tried to cover it up, but then I sweared five seconds later.
	That's part of, I mean, my best childhood memories are watching Dad scream about Bronco games.
	His dad would put his fist through the wall all the time.
	Oh, one of these guys.
	I used to always joke that girls will say, women in our lives will go, these boys, they're so into their sports.
	And I'm like, I have a terrible gambling problem.
	This isn't sports.
	You think I care about these boys from Kansas City?
	I put a lot on this.
	Did you bet on the election?
	No, but I should have.
	I should have, too.
	I know.
	Because I wasn't as confident that Trump was going to win.
	Really?
	No, I wanted him to.
	I wasn't either.
	But I didn't believe he would.
	I didn't either.
	I knew he wouldn't.
	I didn't believe he wouldn't either.
	I was just not confident either way.
	Well, I knew they were going to cheat, and I didn't think they were going to let him be president.
	I knew 100% who I wanted to win.
	No, I knew he was going to win.
	That's great.
	You should have bet on it.
	I knew their cheating wasn't going to work this time.
	Anyway, I should have bet on it, Jake.
	You should have.
	Well, you did bet on it.
	You bet that there would not be an election.
	Oh, yeah.
	I owe a guy a thousand bucks because I said they wouldn't have an election.
	Tim Pool, I saw this weekend.
	Oh, my God.
	Tim Pool.
	He wants you in malice at the Vulcan or the mothership.
	Yeah, Tim Pool is a strange guy.
	He is strange.
	You know why he's strange?
	Because he's bald as a motherfucker under the hat.
	Yeah.
	Well, he's just like always, he's got like such a strange temperament.
	He's autistic, I think.
	He'll like criticize something I say as a joke.
	Oh, he does that too?
	Or like misconstrue the bit entirely.
	Or then he like stole one of my jokes and like tweeted it.
	I'm like, I can't tell if this guy likes me or if he's trolling me.
	I can't tell.
	I don't know if he likes me either, because I went all the way there to be on his show, because fucking Michael Malice, that Jew bastard, told me to go.
	Yeah.
	And he'd love it.
	He said, oh, Tim will be so happy to see you, and it'll be the biggest surprise.
	I walk in, and he goes like this.
	Uh-huh.
	Yeah, it was weird.
	You're kidding.
	No, I flew all the way there.
	He goes, hi, Roseanne Barr, and then played poker with this girl.
	You're kidding.
	I swear to God.
	So I was like, uh.
	Then she did this show, and she's, you know, she's a conspiracy out there, and everything he said, he'd correct her right away.
	He's like, well, that did not happen.
	That's not true.
	He's like, why do you have Roseanne Barr in your podcast?
	But he was correcting me with bad information, because I was saying, you know, well, we won't even go into it.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	But whatever.
	He sold his shit to Daily Wire, right?
	Right, yeah.
	I hope he got rich.
	When did that happen?
	Recently.
	Or he's, yeah, he's doing it now.
	Oh, yeah.
	I didn't know that.
	What were we talking about?
	The betting and the election thing.
	So, I go to the cigar lounge.
	I love cigar lounges and there's one by my home.
	And whenever I go there, it's just a bunch of guys and they're all like, you know, we all act like we know a lot about sports when probably most of us don't know what we're talking about.
	But there'll be a guy arguing or like celebrating a touchdown and this guy over here is going boo, you know, and then this guy gets a touchdown and we go boo.
	But that's at the cigar lounge.
	The night of the election was the only time I saw 100% of the cigar lounge rooting for the same thing.
	And I'm in Sherman Oaks, but we're all just rooting for Trump.
	There wasn't a single person watching a TV that wanted a different outcome.
	And that's the first time that's ever happened at that cigar lounge.
	It was hilarious.
	In the Valley?
	Yeah, with safe space.
	That's cool in the Valley.
	It's not common.
	They're pretty libtard out there in the Valley.
	Yeah, they are, but not at the cigar house.
	Good.
	Well, what would you like to...
	I'm giving you the floor for the wrap-up smear, as Nancy Pelosi calls it.
	I'm just happy to be here.
	Thanks for having me.
	I'm happy you were here, too.
	And we want you to come back, too.
	Yeah, let's keep in touch, for sure.
	Are you working anywhere?
	I got a bunch of dates that I... Here, I mean.
	Not around here.
	If you go to jeffdow.com, I'm touring all over.
	I'm doing the Laugh Factory soon.
	All local spots.
	Whenever I'm home here, I just do the Laugh Factory, the improv.
	I'm trying to think.
	I'm doing Yamashiro.
	Oh, that's where my...
	Little son goes.
	Oh, really?
	He's doing stand-up.
	Oh, it's great.
	Yeah, it's a good spot.
	I really like it.
	But jeff.com has all my dates.
	And then on YouTube, I have a special called The Last Cowboy in L.A. I like that title.
	Yeah, it's good.
	I love it.
	I'll have to watch it.
	I've been watching all your clips.
	I would love if you watched it.
	Because I loved meeting you on Greg Gutfeld's show.
	That was fun.
	I was actually really excited about it because they always send me the list of the people.
	It's the same people.
	Like, all right, this cat, this wrestler.
	And that's fine, but I've met them.
	So whenever I see a name that's like somebody else, I'm like, I wonder who that extra...
	And I was like, Roseanne.
	I texted Greg.
	I was so excited.
	He goes, you'll love her.
	She's the best.
	So I was very excited.
	Well, I'm excited to get to know you a little bit better.
	I'm nearby.
	They're about your process and all that fun stuff.
	Absolutely.
	Do you like westerns?
	Love!
	Okay, so my next tour is going to be called The Vendetta Ride, which is based off of Tombstone.
	Love it.
	Oh, I love that.
	Yeah, so when Wyatt Earp just decided, like, enough's enough, and he went and tried to shoot all those cowboys.
	Oh, I love it.
	Yeah, that's my next tour.
	You tell him I'm coming.
	The Vendetta Ride.
	And where are you from?
	You're not from the west.
	I'm from a town 45 minutes south of Seattle, Kent, Washington.
	You know Kent?
	You heard of it?
	No, but Seattle's pretty libtard.
	Yeah, but Seattle used to be good liberal.
	It used to be artists and happy and these free thinkers who just wanted to do pot and mushrooms and create art and love each other.
	Those same hippies got pissed off.
	Now they're all grumpy.
	I used to go up there and Kurt Cobain and all that shit was happening.
	And now it's like, yeah, because he...
	He credited me with the flannel shirt, you know?
	Really?
	Yeah, because I used to wear that on the Roseanne show, and he said that, you know, whatever.
	I love that.
	But now, you know, now it's just a bunch of elitist hacks that pretend to be leftists.
	Exactly, they pretend to be intellectuals, too.
	They think they're smarter than us just because they have an old hat, and they've got cat hair all over their shirt.
	It's like, you're not smarter than us, just because you're smug.
	Right?
	Very strange.
	It is the arrogant thing.
	Yeah.
	I don't like it.
	I like it when they were nice.
	Me too.
	I miss it.
	Well...
	Thanks for having me.
	You're the best.
	You're the best.
	Time for me to go back to bed.
	I got up just for you.
	I love it.
	Yeah, well, you're all...
	With my Trump shoes.
	Take the gold off.
	Thank you, Jamie from Boston.
	I know I owe you money.
	I'm Ben mowing it.
	Wait, that's the person you owe money?
	The guy that sent you shoes?
	Yeah.
	Unbelievable.
	I love my Trump shoes and my pharaoh hat.
	And, you know, whatever.
	So you see, my patience is running thin with this synthetic world.
	We're living in...
	Can I just say something?
	I think you're one of the best stand-ups out there.
	Thank you very much.
	I mean that sincerely.
	I was very excited about this.
	Oh, thanks, Jake.
	That's really nice.
	Highly underrated.
	I mean, and you're successful.
	Everyone knows you.
	You're great, but I think you're underrated still.
	Well, it means a lot.
	Thank you very much.
	We're happy to have you.
	Thank you.
	Yeah, what's your youngest son's name that does comedy?
	Buck.
	Buck.
	Buck Barr?
	Buck Thomas.
	Buck Thomas.
	Okay, cool.
	He's just starting.
	He's only gone a couple times, right?
	Keep an eye out for him.
	Yeah.
	He bombed last time.
	He's like me, so you don't want to do it again.
	I go, bitch, you got to get back out there.
	You got to bomb constantly.
	I bombed for like ever.
	That's how that works.
	That's how you get better.
	It's also like, I think that anybody who just kills would never be a good comic.
	No, never.
	Yeah, you got to get your licks in.
	Me and Norm always talked about...
	I remember one time I got booed off stage in Springfield, Illinois.
	I always say Illinois.
	And I was so pissed because Norm did the same thing.
	I went and stood by the door when they was all walking out, you know.
	And I looked every bitch right in her eye.
	Because there was no women.
	You didn't want to hide.
	You just wanted to...
	I was, you know, not going to let them get me.
	And I looked at him, I go, thanks, bitch.
	No surrender.
	Because you have to be that way.
	And Norm, he got booed off too and said that he shook everybody's hand at the door after booing them off.
	But that's the kind of, whatever it is, balls.
	Mental illness.
	Yeah, mental illness.
	Yeah, exactly.
	The mental illness that you have to have to...
	I love it.
	We are so damn brave.
	I love it up there.
	I think it's...
	I can't believe we get away with it, if I'm honest.
	I'd love to see your work live.
	Yeah.

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