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Dec. 13, 2024 - The Roseanne Barr Podcast

01:46:24

Vibrator Burns with Shannon Hughey | The Roseanne Barr Podcast #78

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	Greetings, Earthlings and human beings and Nephilim.
	What's the other one, Jake?
	Nephilim and the...
	Anunnaki.
	Anunnaki.
	Democrats, what have you.
	Reptiles.
	Reptilians.
	What are the other ones?
	Illuminatis.
	Any of you naughty Illuminatis.
	I like that.
	And especially animals who are far smarter than any of the above because animals don't bullshit themselves.
	Welcome to the Roseanne Barr Podcast.
	We've got a great show today.
	Because we have a return guest who is my best friend of, is it 26 years?
	Seven.
	27 years?
	Yeah.
	My best friend of 27 years.
	The only decent human being I ever met in Hollywood besides Donald Trump.
	And, you know, a couple others, fondly.
	Most of them dead.
	Phyllis Diller and...
	Rodney Dangerfield and Sue Mengers, some of my favorites.
	Carrie Fisher, yeah.
	Anyway, here we are.
	And I don't even know what I was talking about.
	You're introducing Chana.
	I'm introducing my best friend and return guest, as well as my hair, makeup, The doer and wardrobe person too.
	Shannon Huey.
	Hi, Shannon.
	Hello.
	Hello.
	Thank you very much.
	Oh, the show we did together was so popular.
	I know.
	I heard that.
	Yeah.
	So I'm glad you're back.
	But, you know, I just have to tell you, you know, everyone tells me that I shoot from the hip and spout out crazy shit all the time.
	So, taking that into note, I, who spout out crazy shit all the time, I'm telling you, Shannon Huey, you really spout out crazy shit all the time.
	So, that's part of why we're friends, I think, huh?
	I think so, too.
	Yeah.
	And can I just say, people always ask me, What is it like being festies with Roseanne Barr?
	And I said, well, let me tell you.
	It's a real hoot.
	And I say, you know, look at that show, which I had never seen.
	I never watched your show.
	You did it?
	The sitcom?
	No.
	Really?
	I know.
	Isn't that crazy?
	I don't know.
	I was out Getting into trouble.
	I was getting into trouble.
	Did you see what he did?
	What?
	No.
	But anyway, I knew I had seen some of it.
	I knew you were a cuckoo bird.
	I had seen the Tom Arnold stuff.
	And I thought, wow, that chick is kooky.
	But I mean, I loved it.
	And then I thought...
	I probably have nothing in common with her.
	And then when I met you and then over the years, I have everything in common with you.
	Isn't that weird?
	I love shopping.
	I love having fun.
	I love laughing.
	I love macaroni and cheese.
	I love eating cheese.
	Like all the stuff that you love.
	Oh!
	It's fun, huh?
	I love napping.
	I love smoking.
	Ketamine.
	Ketamine.
	You guys talked about that in the last episode.
	But I did mine with doctors' care.
	Yes.
	And it really helped me.
	No, I can tell.
	Can you really tell?
	I was telling these guys, Jake and Hannah, I said, you are a changed woman.
	You're really, you're happier.
	You're lighter.
	You're freer.
	You dumped like 180 pounds of old boyfriend stuff, or probably 150 pounds.
	I don't know.
	It's like a stick.
	But you lost a lot of stuff.
	And you've just been working on yourself and getting close to God.
	And I just see this whole...
	You have a lightness.
	You have the depression, the heaviness, the darkness, like the fear.
	You've let go of a lot of fear.
	Yeah, I did.
	It's really cool.
	And so...
	You were always sort of a fearless person, weren't you?
	You didn't have a lot of fear.
	No, I wouldn't say that, but I always had to try and trust in God because I told you, fear is the devil, God is love and trust.
	And so if you believe in God, then you will always have the trust that you are taking care of.
	If you have fear, that's the devil and your ego creeping in.
	And your ego is like, no, don't listen to your gut, which is God.
	So God is your gut?
	In other words, that makes sense.
	Yeah, your intuition.
	Well, mine was always faulty, though.
	Because I have about 50 intuitions all going off at the same time.
	Yes, no.
	Do, don't.
	All at the same time.
	Because your gut is all rerouted.
	Maybe that's it.
	You have more than one gut.
	Yeah, that's true.
	I've got two stomachs.
	Two stomachs.
	Like my grandma.
	I'm a kosher animal.
	Okay, back to...
	Everyone asks me what it's like being besties with you.
	And I always say, she is a blast.
	We make each other laugh.
	There's nothing like when I can make you laugh because you're a major comedian.
	Hello.
	And when I can make you laugh from the belly laugh, I'm like, oh my God, I'm loving this moment right now.
	And then everyone always says to me, you're so funny.
	And I said, well, think of yourself and your environment.
	If you're a little fish in an aquarium, you only grow this big.
	If you're out in the sea, you're a fish and you grow really big.
	My environment has been 27 years with a major...
	I'm a comedian who's hilarious, so I'm like this, thinking fast, and I can make funny stuff.
	Yeah, you beat me more than once in a good friggin' zapper.
	Really?
	Yeah, and nobody can beat me.
	No.
	I mean, some people, I mean, they try, but I'll give them some time, because I'm like Mike Tyson.
	No, I'm more like Muhammad Ali, because I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna...
	I'm gonna rope a dope.
	Come on.
	Come on.
	Hit me, hit me, hit me.
	I'll give them four.
	And then I'll come in with the fucking knockout punch.
	And they don't expect it.
	So I love to do that thing with comics that we do, you know?
	Yeah, like spar.
	To feel each other out and see how funny.
	Well, yeah, jam.
	Wait, what was the thing, Jake?
	Fight like a thing and shoot like a bee?
	Oh, float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.
	Yeah, that's her.
	I do neither of those.
	Should you tell everyone the real...
	It's not your ketamine and the self-care.
	It's actually that she's been sleeping really good.
	You know, it's the beam, Shannon.
	I'm going to get that.
	It really is good.
	Shannon's thinking of getting it, and I said, you should, and it really is delicious.
	And John would probably prefer you get it, so you go to sleep and are quiet for a little bit.
	No, I want to talk about the husband situation in a minute.
	Okay, where's that clicker deal?
	Okay, here we go.
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	And I love it when sleep tastes good.
	What a great idea.
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	Oh my lord.
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	Look at me.
	And be able to read really well.
	Theme Dream is easy to add to your nighttime routine.
	Just mix Dream into your cocktail or milk froth.
	No, I'm kidding.
	And enjoy before bed or water or milk.
	It's really good with milk.
	If you want to try Beam's best-selling dream powder and get 40% off for a limited time, go to shopbeam.com slash Roseanne and use the code Roseanne at checkout.
	That's shopbeam.com slash Roseanne and use the code Roseanne for up to 40% off.
	All right.
	Now we can get back at it.
	Thank you.
	So, back to when they say, what is it like?
	I just say, we have a blast, we shop, we laugh, we drink, we cry, we talk about all kinds of nefarious things.
	We dance, don't forget dance.
	Yes, and karaoke singing.
	Yes, yes, yes.
	Like the other day in the car, singing the Supremes.
	Oh God, how much we love the Supremes.
	People don't even know about the Supremes anymore, do they?
	You gotta listen to the Supremes.
	Did you let Shannon sing in the car?
	Didn't you tell her she can't talk in the car?
	No, I did tell her, because she always starts fucking yammering, and I'm trying to read the fucking map, which I don't even understand.
	At first, it's like something from NASA over there, and I don't get it, so I'm just trying to see where I am.
	And then it'll say 500 feet.
	And she goes, oh, go here.
	I go, can you not talk about driving when I'm fucking driving?
	It's a good point.
	Right?
	Yeah.
	But she always does.
	And she's always wrong 100% of the time.
	And she's like, I'm on Waze.
	Waze is the way to go.
	Waze is the ways to go.
	And I'm like, no, it isn't.
	It's not always right.
	No, Waze fucked us a couple times.
	I'm telling you, Waze is not always right.
	You know what I hate is like, I'll be in a middle lane to turn left and it tells you to turn left and then it's like, oh wait, go right.
	And I'm like, I'm fucked, you know?
	What, Waze?
	Yeah.
	Stop using Waze.
	But the other one's horrible too, the one that comes with the car.
	What's that one?
	It depends on the car, but Apple Maps is driving people into the lake.
	Do you remember that one?
	Yeah, it drove me up Mulholland Mountain by Bell Canyon when I was trying to get to a store in Beverly Hills.
	Your ketamine treatment.
	Remember, we got lost twice.
	It kept running us up the mountain.
	It's whatever.
	As long as you're not being driven into a lake, that's my favorite story.
	Do you know that story?
	It took someone into the middle of a lake.
	And then, of course, they went.
	They drove into the lake.
	It was Apple Maps.
	They were like, it's a software patch.
	Well, see, I would have stopped.
	I know, that's why you're like, well, that sucks.
	I hope they would have stopped at the cliff.
	I think they just got the first few wheels in.
	But yeah, it's dangerous.
	When we lived in the marina, someone drove off the marina thing.
	They did onto your boat?
	No.
	No, they drove via marina.
	If you keep going, you would land in the water.
	Yeah, they did that.
	Because they were drunk and driving crazy and probably in a blowjob.
	Drunk driving into an ocean.
	There was a man and a woman.
	He was probably getting a blowjob, and he was probably coming, and then boom.
	There's the play-by-play by Shannon.
	Thank you.
	You wanted to get into the husbands, I think?
	Yeah.
	Well, first, I wanted to say, well, you were doing makeup and hair in the porn industry before I hired you, right?
	Right.
	Right?
	Right.
	And so you went from hardcore porn...
	Like seeing people do crazy things.
	Like you said, one girl came and sat on another girl's head when he was trying to do her makeup.
	I did?
	Yeah.
	Why would you do that?
	Well, she's having oral sex to her.
	During the makeup?
	No.
	She came in and sat on her face, you said.
	That's in her mind.
	You told me that.
	No, I never.
	You said when Sylvester Stallone came to watch the porn.
	No, it wasn't him.
	It wasn't Sylvester Stallone.
	It was the other one.
	We love Sylvester.
	This is why we get sued all the time.
	He's one of us.
	Sylvester.
	Oh, yes.
	I'm not thinking of him.
	I'm thinking of the other one.
	Arnold Schwarzenegger.
	Who was it?
	Who's the one that always used to come to the porn site?
	The porn set?
	I don't know.
	I can't remember.
	I don't want to say.
	It was neither of those guys, right?
	No, I swear.
	No, it wasn't.
	But it was celebrities would come by and want to see like Jenna Jameson or you know.
	You know, they want to see and they want to see you know, hot Chicks having sex.
	Yeah.
	Which, by the way, they're all faking it.
	And men out there, I just want to tell you...
	Their orgasm is fake, too, right?
	A lot of chicks fake it in normal life, too.
	I just read...
	Barely any women really have an orgasm from natural sex.
	Really?
	And it's going down because of toys and stuff.
	What do they have it from?
	Barring your credit card?
	No, I don't know.
	What do they have their orgasm from?
	Masturbating?
	Well, like, you know...
	Vibrators?
	Vibrator.
	Oh, I see.
	Yeah, that makes sense.
	I mean...
	It's technology progress.
	I've been using a vibrator since I was like 19. I remember you had that one that plugged into the wall that your one boyfriend...
	I got one like you!
	Yours was like a foot long and...
	Yours is like that too!
	It was back in the day.
	Remember her back massager?
	Remember when I got on the Prozac and I could never have a release, we'll call it?
	Yes.
	And remember I was trying to...
	Burned your thigh with that one thing.
	Like it was a metal massage.
	It was like a big square metal massager.
	I fell asleep.
	I gave up and passed out.
	She had like a blister on her inner thigh.
	This might have to be cut out.
	This might have to be cut out.
	No, definitely not cutting this out.
	That's better than the Ambien story, actually.
	I'm sweating now.
	You're doing porn makeup.
	I want you to tell the story.
	You're walking down the street.
	Didn't you pray to God, God help...
	If there are any fat Jewish women out there who can rescue me from this lifestyle, send me a sign.
	Didn't you say something?
	And then a paper blew on your leg?
	Yes.
	A piece of paper blew up on my leg, blew up under my dress.
	Unbelievable.
	Of all places, in front of the manned Chinese theater iconic where Marilyn Monroe's footprints and the stars are.
	Not to be annoying, but we told the story in the last episode.
	I know.
	We're telling it again.
	Shut up.
	Why would you do that?
	No, she wants to tell it again.
	Refresh.
	I'm going to tell it quicker.
	And so it said, you know, come meet Roseanne Barr in an informal gathering of her talk show.
	And it was like the next day.
	Okay.
	So, cut till you get hired, because I liked you.
	You said, I can do your makeup way better now.
	This Chinese Joe with the airbrush machine.
	It took three fucking hours.
	I can't stand to be touched, as you know.
	Nor can I stand to be chatted at by hairdressers.
	Right.
	Right?
	And you had one hair person, one makeup person, and you wanted someone to do both.
	Because I don't want to listen to their fucking horrible world story or worldview while they're touching me for fucking sticking shit in my eyes and up my nose and Can I just say that just now I was taking a little nap and she goes, Shannon!
	I need to be ready!
	And we got her ready in fucking seven minutes.
	Amazing, I have to say, on our special project we're not allowed to talk about.
	Now wait a minute, we'll talk about all that.
	Okay, but now we're at the talk show.
	Okay.
	Oh, yes.
	And I had my own trailer.
	And you used to do my hair and makeup in there, right?
	And there was a person on the show.
	Celebrity A. Yeah.
	Okay.
	Yeah.
	And he would come on to me all the time.
	And he was very powerful.
	In my trailer, right?
	No.
	No, on the set?
	This was on set.
	Okay.
	Three cameras on set.
	And between commercials, I would touch her up, and he would come over and whisper in my ear, I bet you have a wet pussy.
	And I'm like...
	And I couldn't do anything.
	I'm on stage with her, cameras everywhere, and I'm just like frozen.
	Why didn't you tell me?
	Well, eventually I did, but I didn't want to.
	And I get the hashtag me too movement.
	This was a different time.
	This was in 1999, 2000. Yeah, they would have fired you and quieted you out.
	I started on the show 98 to 2000. And then I just kept putting up with it.
	And he just kept saying all these lewd comments in my ear.
	He'd bend down and whisper in my ear all this stuff.
	And I was just like, ugh.
	I mean, and I came from porn, so I was just like, whatever, fool.
	And so then I just couldn't take it anymore.
	And I told her, And I remember we were walking back to your compound, the trailer, on the CBS slot, and I told you, and then you said to him, blankety-blank, if you talk like that anymore to her, you're out.
	That is not permitted.
	I did?
	I don't even remember.
	Oh, good for me.
	And then he got with your now ex-husband and said, you know, I've got to get her out of here.
	You?
	Yeah.
	And then there was another gal on the show and she was after me too because she wanted to be your best friend.
	It's always like that.
	And like...
	She goes, I'm from Michigan and we should hang out.
	And she kept hanging out with me, befriending me.
	And you should get Roseanne because we could all be friends and we could all hang out.
	And I'm like, okay.
	Because I'm like, go-do.
	Not thinking.
	I'm naive.
	And then she got to be friends with you.
	And then she became friends with all the celebrities.
	And then she's like, Let's go see, you know, this person in concert and blah, blah, blah.
	And so then you guys became friends.
	And then she had an axe to grind.
	She tried to get me off the show.
	She called with your publicist at the time, the redhead.
	And they were both on the- Lesbian witch.
	Lesbian witch.
	And they both were on the phone trying to get me to talk smack about you saying stuff.
	Oh, really?
	And I didn't.
	But I didn't know.
	And then that girl, the publicist, told me that that happened.
	And I was like, holy shit.
	So then, like, I remember we did the Tower Records show where you performed.
	Uh-huh.
	This is how long ago.
	Tower Records hasn't been there in a long time on Sunset Boulevard.
	And she hired, behind my back, hired Janet Jackson's makeup artist and someone else's hair person and didn't even tell me.
	And then I get in there and they're doing her hair and makeup and she was like, Yeah.
	Bloating.
	I was?
	I don't like that.
	No.
	This person.
	Sherry Poloki.
	Pelosi.
	Sherry Pelosi.
	Sherry Pelosi.
	It's a code name, by the way.
	And she wasn't a celebrity.
	She was, like, patting the scenes on the show.
	This was a fraudulent name, of course.
	But this was a woman that worked on the show.
	Yes.
	The talk show.
	Yes.
	And so then at the Tower Records thing, I just, you know, she had goaded me so much.
	She did something really bad.
	What's her name?
	Oh, God, I can't remember her name.
	She's a big actress.
	Berticelli?
	Valerie Bertinelli?
	No.
	Berticelli.
	I don't know Berticelli.
	The one whose mom was a big Florida's actress.
	Oh, God, I can't remember.
	But she told her, Roseanne said, you go fuck yourself.
	And then I saw her go on David Letterman and said, Roseanne is a pig and so rude.
	And I go, what did you do?
	And she laughed it off.
	Okay.
	Okay, yeah.
	So, I told her to go fuck herself.
	I hate Hollywood.
	That's why I hate Hollywood.
	So, that night, Isabella Rossellini.
	Oh, my God.
	Yeah.
	She thinks I told her to go fuck herself.
	And she didn't?
	No.
	You didn't?
	No, I admire her.
	Okay, Isabella Rossellini, Roseanne admires you.
	Yes, and I never said anything bad about you.
	No.
	Okay, continue.
	So, that night, I'm a cancer, like you, Jake.
	And she's Scorpio, which, they're very similar, but they have the stinger.
	Yeah.
	And they are a little crazier.
	We're very sensitive.
	Yeah.
	She always says that.
	Here's the thing is, if you can only go so far with a cancer, and then you're going to go off.
	Yeah, OJ was a cancer.
	Mike Tyson's a cancer.
	Right.
	Serial killer.
	Right.
	OJ was a cancer.
	He went off.
	Can't push us too far.
	Oh, we got to get into Kato.
	But anyway, quickly.
	Yeah.
	I lost it on her, and I poked her in the chest, and I go, you're a fucking bitch!
	I fucking hate you!
	You could go to hell!
	And I kept pointing in her chest, and I just lost it.
	And I go, how dare you?
	And then she told Jessica, That's right.
	Well, bleep.
	Yeah.
	Say bleep for regret.
	Yeah.
	Regret.
	That's what we say.
	Okay.
	Bleep.
	And she told him, I accosted her and assaulted her and they were going to get me on charges because I did like really point into her chest like I was going to fucking strangle her.
	And he called me.
	I remember I was with my friend Ellie Corino at Barney's Greengrass having lunch, like a nice little happy time.
	And he called and he goes, this isn't the Shannon show.
	This is the Roseanne show.
	And you're fired.
	And you're out.
	And, you know, you accosted one of our people and you are fired.
	And then you went to China, right?
	Then I went to China.
	Yeah.
	Anyway.
	That's the end of that story.
	Okay, so let's do an ad then.
	Yeah.
	And we'll come back with more.
	Well, I'll just set this up.
	TWC, these med kits.
	Have you got one of these yet?
	No.
	What is it?
	Shan, you got to get one.
	Dude, do not watch this podcast.
	What the hell's wrong with you?
	I'm just kidding.
	Yeah.
	The Wellness Company.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That's got all the stuff in the meds.
	You got to get that.
	Okay.
	Well, they have a holiday travel med kit now.
	Can I have that one?
	What?
	We'll get you one.
	That's a dummy.
	Okay.
	We have one.
	The holidays are here, which means it's six seasons, sinus infections, strep throats, upper respiratory.
	It's that time of year.
	So they came out with the holidays.
	Plus, you know, they're going to release what the fuck all hell on us before Trump gets instated.
	And then the MKUltra shooters are going to go start shooting at people that run the...
	Well, they better put...
	Tell Dr. Drew to put in a bulletproof press along with the iodine for the nuclear...
	We're coming.
	We should be on the board of this company.
	I know.
	We give you the best ideas every week.
	But anyway, the wellness company's medical emergency kit, holiday travel kit.
	I'll let you tell the people more.
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	Order your kit now by heading to twc.help forward slash RB and use code RB to save up to $30 off and free shipping. USA residents only. So, Molly, you got some big projects coming up.
	It's top secret.
	That's actually why Shannon's here.
	Top secret.
	You guys are going to love it.
	That's all I'm going to say.
	I'm starting a porn.
	Granny porn.
	Granny porn.
	She's so hot.
	She is.
	That's why she's got to lose the weight.
	Well, that's what she said.
	You said you wanted to lose weight.
	I don't think you need to lose weight.
	I think you look better than ever, but you did tell me.
	Well, I want to...
	When I put on my Skims waist trainer, I want it to be believable.
	We love Skims, by the way.
	We don't do Skims at all.
	We love the Skims.
	The thing that everybody does for weight loss, let's all be honest.
	Well, Skims herself, Kim, she takes them.
	Weight loss help.
	I mean, everybody needs some weight loss help.
	So what if you grow a third arm out of your head?
	Well, you're talking about our GLP-1s, which is the drug that's in Ozempic and all this stuff.
	Let's just get to it.
	They're weekly injections.
	We have a new sponsor.
	Mom's really excited about this one.
	I'm excited.
	Hers is a company on HIMSS that does the boner pills and stuff.
	Oh, yeah.
	Hers has a thing.
	Shannon knows all about him.
	Well, Hers is...
	No, I've seen the ads.
	Oh.
	Yeah.
	No, Hers is a great company.
	You can call them.
	You can set up.
	It's as little as like $200 a month, and you can actually get the Ozempic.
	It's not Ozempic, but you can get the GLP-1 shot delivered to your house.
	You have to call a doctor.
	You got to go through the whole process.
	You don't just order the pills when they come or the shots.
	Okay.
	But let's say you get approved.
	You can actually start doing these injections for as little as $200 a month through Hers.
	And it's all the rage.
	Everyone loses weight.
	And you're going to have a doctor here that sets you up so you're not worried about the third arm growing out of your head.
	Because like anything, as long as you don't abuse it.
	I got two months.
	I could lose 25 pounds.
	I've had so many friends do it and they feel great.
	We saw Jack K. Remember how good Jack K. Harry?
	She looks so good.
	Doesn't she look good?
	I was always afraid if she lost weight, her head would look way too big for her body.
	But her head was looking good on her body.
	And she...
	She was shapely and hot-looking, wasn't she?
	And all the old days, these GLP-1s, these were only available to celebrities and rich people.
	She did it actually because she had diabetes.
	Yes, that's what she said.
	She did it for the real reason.
	So rich people started stealing the diabetes meds to lose weight.
	But anyway, now because of companies like hers, you have access to these weight loss programs on your own.
	You don't have to be rich or famous, so tell the people where to go.
	Okay.
	Start your free online visit today at 4hers.com slash Roseanne.
	That's 4hers.com slash Roseanne for your personalized weight loss treatment options.
	4hers.com slash Roseanne.
	Hers weight loss is not available everywhere.
	Compounded products are not FDA approved or verified for safety, effectiveness, or quality.
	Prescription is required.
	Restrictions apply, but...
	Oh my god, I hope I make it because I really, you know, I'm a shopaholic and if I could go down to a size 10, oh my god, I would spend all my money on getting the cutest clothes that I've ever been to wear them in my new project.
	What size are you now?
	L. How far to a 10?
	Is this like a month or two?
	I'm a 46. That's Italian.
	I'm just saying you could get to your goal pretty quickly, right?
	Is that a 12?
	It's a 12. Here's the other thing is...
	But if I could get to a 10, I could go shop anywhere, except for in Japan, because I think they do fake sizes of the Japanese.
	Remember Godzilla sizing?
	Remember that with Jackie?
	Oh my God, with Jackie.
	We're with Jackie B, you know.
	She weighs a good 400, and we were...
	Where were we?
	We were at the Coliseum in Rome, and she tried to buy a shirt.
	And there was an Asian selling shirts, and we went up there, and I said, in Rome.
	We were on a gay cruise.
	We were the entertainment.
	And so I said, do you have...
	L, do you have XL? I think I wore XL then.
	I go, do you have XL for t-shirts about the Coliseum?
	And he goes, oh yeah.
	I'm going to do my Asian accent now.
	Oh yeah, we got A, we got A, we got S, we got SSL. And then he looks at Jackie, he goes, we got King Kong size.
	We got King Kong Psy.
	She was so heartbreaking.
	Then we found her later on the cruise ship just eating ice cream at 3 in the morning.
	She was devastated.
	We did a cruise with her.
	Yeah.
	She's a libtard, so whatever.
	We were the only girls on the boat.
	I know.
	We had fun dancing with all the gay guys.
	Yeah, gays love you.
	We went on the gay cruise.
	Jake walked up on the deck.
	He was with us.
	I was young out there.
	He was young and doing my slideshow.
	I danced with the gays.
	He danced with the gays too, but then he walked up at night on the deck, which somebody should have told him not to do, and he'd run into a sandwich.
	Three men in a sandwich.
	No, it's an Eiffel Tower.
	No, I remember saying...
	Eiffel Tower?
	Yeah.
	Do you want me to break this down?
	Yeah, what is an Eiffel Tower?
	Jake explains to his mother.
	Eiffel Tower is two guys standing, or it's also known as the spit roast.
	Oh, the one's the oral and the other one's the back end.
	Front and back, and then to complete the Eiffel Tower, the two guys standing will hold hands, so it looks like an Eiffel Tower.
	OMG, I never heard that.
	Or a spit roast.
	I heard of that one.
	But I saw it in a silhouette, so you have to understand, I looked up and it was just black.
	You were like, am I in France?
	Are you traumatized?
	Did you think you were in Paris?
	You're like, oui, oui.
	I was traumatized the minute we got on that boat because I was the only heterosexual guy.
	I was younger and had hair and I looked good then.
	I was doing martial arts.
	Yeah, they was all thinking he was hot and hot stuff.
	I got notes slid under my door.
	I was there with my gay uncles and someone went up to him and said, can we borrow your boy tonight?
	Oh.
	My brother and his husband were with us.
	Did you have the bob?
	No, no.
	This is like the best I've ever...
	This is like my peak.
	So what's really...
	I was not homophobic.
	I'm very open-minded.
	But by the end of that fucking cruise, I was homophobic.
	That's all I'm going to say.
	I got hit on and I saw the spit roast.
	And I'll tell the story and then I'll back off.
	Did your butt punch...
	I just went to my room, but I went to mom's room because she was the star of the boat.
	So she had like a balcony, like a big balcony.
	And I was like, man, I can't take it before I go.
	It was like what it was like to be a hot chick, I imagine.
	Just eyes leering and never experienced that before.
	So I came to mom, I was like, I just got to get eyes, need fresh air.
	And I went out in her balcony.
	She's like, just go look at the Mediterranean and relax.
	It's okay.
	So I went out.
	Put my elbows out of the thing, and I said, this isn't so bad, you know?
	And I looked up, and a guy and his boyfriend were on their balcony.
	And it was...
	Gay people don't love make, from what I can see.
	Because those are two things.
	They don't what?
	They don't make love.
	It's aggressive.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	They're slamming the ham.
	Oh, he had both his ears, and he was just throating them.
	Oh, shit.
	And I was like...
	And I got horrified, and I was like, go inside, go inside before they see.
	And here's the worst part.
	They both noticed me, and the guy on the bottom...
	Getting throat pounded made eye contact with me like this.
	And I saw it run on his cheek.
	Oh, shit.
	And I just froze.
	And I said, that's it.
	And I stayed in my room for three days.
	Trauma.
	Anyway.
	The trauma.
	No, I remember seeing top, bottom, on the doors.
	Yeah, everybody had their doors marked.
	Versatile, which means they'll do either.
	Anyway.
	Anyway.
	But enough about you.
	I'm cracking up in my white cloth.
	Sorry.
	I gotta have a drink.
	You didn't bring me a cup to have my wine.
	You can just slug out of it.
	There wasn't much left.
	Fuck, it's Roseanne Bar Podcast.
	Just drink right out of the bottle.
	All right, so anyways.
	All right, back to you.
	Now, back in the day, I was going to say, you were always the single gal, and I was always the married gal, right?
	Three times that I know of.
	Yeah, you were with me through three marriages.
	You was with me through three husbands.
	For fucks, three husbandmen.
	Well, I didn't know you with Tom, but I did know Bill and Becky, your ex-husband.
	Jake's dad.
	And that's interesting because that was my dad, who was her first husband, and then they didn't talk for a while, and then he came back to work for her.
	So you knew him when he was her assistant.
	That was my dad.
	And Becky was her assistant.
	That's my dad's wife.
	And Becky, his dad's wife.
	And they are liberals, so there's that.
	Yeah, they're still libtarded.
	Still watching the Rachel Maddow.
	They're probably trying...
	Too bad.
	I don't know what they're thinking.
	Do you know what they're thinking?
	Out of respect, I did not text Dad after the election, except to talk about the Broncos, because I knew he wasn't...
	I've, like...
	Was really genuinely concerned about his...
	I'm sad for all of them.
	I want to say choke on it, bitch.
	But, you know, I want to or wanted to, but then I was like, man, their whole thing just got bummed out.
	And that's what happened to us in 2020. It's not easy to go through.
	I was the same with a friend who actually introduced me to my now husband 14 years ago.
	I've known her 24 years.
	She wrote to me and said, if you vote for Trump, You are ruining my life.
	And I said, I am not ruining your life.
	I love you.
	Please don't do this.
	Don't separate our friendship.
	I value and love you.
	And she cut me off and blocked me.
	And then I was going to write to her nacho president, Vanessa Kamala with a Mexican hat on.
	And John goes, send it to her, send it to her.
	And I go, no, that's disrespectful, like you with your dad.
	And then she sends me a thing.
	I hope you're happy.
	I hope you suffer.
	And it was like this whole mean thing.
	And I was like, I love you.
	God is in control now.
	Not any of us.
	This is all God.
	And she didn't write back because they never do.
	Well, they're so full of hate and fear, aren't they?
	It is hate and fear.
	They're humanophobic.
	It is hate and fear.
	They hate humans.
	They do.
	She's probably happy, though, now because one of them shot the head of this fucking man in healthcare.
	They're all gleeful over the fucking guy assassinating somebody now.
	Yeah, it's a perk up.
	You lost the election, but now you have people being murdered in the street.
	Didn't you say Taylor Lorenz is like, yeah, let's have more of this shooting people dead in the street.
	Taylor Lorenz, for those who don't know, is a former Washington Post journalist.
	Oh, I didn't know her.
	She's the one that doxxed Kaya, or whatever her name is, the lives of TikTok, that was that great account.
	So Kaya didn't want to be famous.
	And Taylor docks her and says, here's a white woman that's in real estate.
	Here's her name and address.
	She's the one that runs this account going after trans kids.
	So Taylor's horrible.
	She got fired.
	She's Jewish.
	But she, after the shooting, said, I am so, like, I have joy over this.
	And then posted immediately, like, another CEO of another pharmaceutical company.
	But I think Joe Biden sent him the signal because he came out of that bookstore with that book.
	Oh, I want to hear this.
	The Middle East with no Israel, proudly.
	And I think that was his cue to Antifa and BLM, who are now in the pro-Palestinian movement.
	They're the same kids.
	American kids.
	Like a Catcher in the Rye thing?
	No, a book called...
	No, what I'm saying is that MKUltra, remember they used Catcher in the Rye in a lot of those shootings.
	Oh yeah, that's what he was doing, yeah.
	Wow.
	That's to signal all the Islamic cells that Obama and them brought over here.
	Valerie Jarrett and Biden, all of them.
	Get into this.
	You know, he says it's...
	That was his signal.
	It's go time.
	And it was go time, too.
	Until something else happened.
	Because I've been saying for a long time since Y2K, which really did happen on the mental plane.
	Y2K did happen.
	It was a reset on the mental plane.
	And it was, you know, the...
	Reset of the beginning of the end.
	And so, because the third thing came into manifestation.
	Because before, computer code, Y2K created the zero.
	The thing between the twin towers.
	This is all really deep shit.
	I love this.
	So, the fool is the zero.
	And that's the third thing.
	The fool.
	That's Biden.
	No.
	It's the third thing.
	And the third thing has happened.
	And I think the...
	The reality of the third thing in manifestation was Israel blowing up the pagers.
	Sorry, real quick, what was the first and second thing?
	They were the twin towers of computer coding, two ones with a space.
	Okay, so Y2K was the first two and the third is...
	No, Y2K introduces the zeros.
	People remember Y2K when it turned to 2000. They said everything was going to stop.
	The computers didn't.
	The computers took on the third thing, the zero, the placeholder.
	But the placeholder has a mathematical equation to it.
	This is all physics stuff, huh?
	Then October 7th was the third thing you're saying?
	What was the third thing?
	The third thing is the third reality out of dualism.
	We left dualism and we got to a new way of thinking.
	Is this like a whole new dimension?
	Yeah.
	Okay, I'm into this.
	I'm so into this.
	Okay, continue.
	Well, because now that Trump's in...
	I'm seeing more religious things on Netflix.
	I just watched a movie about Mary.
	Oh, I was going to say they brought all this because they were doing their Iran deal slash ISIS slash Hezbollah slash Hamas thing.
	They're all the same thing.
	But those pagers changed the whole Middle East and the world, then blown up.
	And then what happened after that was With the fall of Syria, that's the fall of Iran.
	That's the end of Vijay's dream of, you know, her...
	Compadres controlling everything in the Middle East.
	Of course, they all work for the same Swiss bank accounts.
	But yeah, it's like third thing.
	So you think the United Healthcare shooter was part of this?
	Or that's what started this conversation is what I'm asking.
	Or is that just a weird coincidence?
	No, he's an op that they have.
	He probably was dressed up like Antifa last year.
	Well, he's a rich kid.
	Well, they're all rich kids.
	All of the street gangs, it's so funny.
	Not all of them, but a very high percentage of them are, what do you call it?
	Trust fund communists.
	Trust fund communists as if there could be such a thing.
	That's a thing.
	You actually said this about Occupy Wall Street that I always thought was so cool.
	Yeah, I said that.
	You said you were in the street and you realized that it was just the kids of the dads that worked on Wall Street.
	Bite in the hand that feeds them out of their privileged arrogance.
	You're absolutely right.
	And this kid is like a trust fund kid.
	That's what he is.
	But they're saying that Nancy Pelosi...
	Allegedly.
	Allegedly, who knows his family because her dad was the head of the mafia in Baltimore.
	There seems to be a connection.
	Yeah, there's a little of the Costa Nostra in there through her line and her being.
	But they say that that kid was in the mix in her circle and took down this CEO of a Insurance company, which I told you like three podcasts ago, the health insurance company is going to fall flat for insuring all this transgender surgery on kids.
	Americans, when they figure out, they have to stop that because it's nothing but Nazi science.
	And non-consenting victims and their fat bipolar mothers, single mothers that have been brainwashed.
	They're going to have to stop it because we can't be part of an insurance company that does irreversible sexual experiments on little children.
	We can't have that in America.
	Absolutely not.
	Possibly going to testify about insider trading, which Nancy Pelosi, of course, is the queen of.
	That's how she got $250 million in a vineyard and all kind of houses, and Gavin Newsom, too, was insider trading, which they're allowed to do in Congress, even though they locked up their friend Martha Stewart for it.
	Of course.
	She was the one that went down.
	And that was Comey.
	The one that went down, yeah.
	The Patsy.
	Yeah.
	And so they say the guy was going to testify on that, and then he got gunned down by a friend.
	He's a child of a friend of the Pelosi family.
	So this was Michael Corleone, basically.
	Who was going to testify about congressional insider trading.
	So you think the Pelosi crime family sent an assassin?
	Allegedly.
	A theory.
	Well, that's what people are saying on the internet.
	Yeah, I think it's fascinating, and it's probably true, but we don't know yet.
	He did have a manifesto.
	He does seem to have kind of a sordid past.
	He had an injury.
	He was on ayahuasca and mushrooms.
	Mm-hmm.
	He's addicted to the McDonald's hash browns.
	Well, I mean, who isn't?
	That's where they found him.
	I told you that allegedly that's Bill Gates putting the fetus meat in the hash browns as well as the hamburgers over there.
	And once you turn cannibal, you don't go back.
	Wait, I love McDonald's.
	Do you get a craving for it every now and then?
	No.
	Oh, I love the McRib.
	They said they found a note with him saying, I shot this guy, and the gun, and the ghost gun that looks just like the gun he...
	I love that he printed it on a 3D printer?
	What the fuck kind of world are we living in when they do shit like that?
	Can I print a waist on a 3D printer?
	You can.
	When you get hers.
	You can print body parts on a printer.
	And put them on your body?
	You and I can't do it, but there is the technology that exists in some of these companies.
	Good God, and we're still living like pigs in mud.
	Look at all the shit we've got available to us, and we can't get the food to the hungry kids.
	I know.
	We're nothing but shit.
	We are.
	I know.
	But anyway, so that's a fascinating theory.
	And whatever, we'll wait to see what happens.
	We wanted to cover the shooting more, but we just, we decided...
	But in any other way where I said Syria fell, while the Syrian people were out dancing in the streets thanking Israel for getting rid of...
	You know, the Ubermention, whatever they're called.
	What's the Ubermention?
	Isn't that your friend lives in Syria?
	Yeah.
	Your friend lives there.
	The opposite of the master race that is the head of the New World Order.
	You know, they lost.
	Ha ha ha!
	I told you God was going to get you!
	Ha ha ha!
	Fuck you!
	He's coming for you big time, too.
	In just a couple weeks, on Hanukkah, enjoy!
	Can we talk about the pardons?
	The Hunter Biden pardon?
	Yeah, we can talk about...
	What did you think of the Hunter Biden pardon?
	Terrible.
	I think Trump should, you know, go back...
	Can't Trump go back and take the pardon away?
	No.
	No, you can't take the pardon away.
	But you can...
	He can take the pardon away in one case.
	Which one?
	If SCOTUS hears the Brunson case which is on the docket for January 6th If SCOTUS considers and approves that lawsuit, it will result in the arrest of everybody in Congress that verified the 2020 election.
	The Brunson case is saying that the certification of 2020 was an illegal certification.
	So that's the case coming.
	And the Supreme Court accepted to hear it.
	It's in the docket.
	Because all the other courts that had...
	Soros judges, Soros judges on them, would not even hear the evidence of fraud in the 2020 elections.
	They wouldn't even look at the evidence.
	So Brunson, a fellow Salt Lake City, Utah guy, and his brothers...
	They petitioned the court, and it's the first time in American history that non-lawyer citizens got their lawsuit in the docket of the Supreme Court.
	And the clerks at the Supreme Court helped them and advised them, gave them, you know, just miscellaneous advice, not real legal advice, but about how to file correctly.
	And he did it, Lloyd Brunson, and it was accepted to be heard.
	He has all the evidence because after, when they were, the reason they started the whole Jan 6 thing, Pelosi and them, was because they wanted to say that the FBI, I mean the Trumpers, were coming into the Capitol to overturn The win by Biden.
	But that isn't...
	And that is not at all true.
	Right.
	But it was like a movie which Nancy got her daughter to film.
	I don't know about that.
	Because she's going to do an HBO. The documentary.
	Uh-huh.
	But they rope-a-doped us.
	Yeah, they rope-a-doped us.
	And then they let these people in.
	It's brilliant.
	And, you know, they had it all set up.
	They had a Hollywood producer in on it.
	And then...
	They just hurried and certified it after they said people were going to hang Mike Pence.
	But what really happened was that 50 members of the, you know, house said it looks like The machines were connected to the internet, which wasn't supposed to happen.
	There was a lot of fraud.
	And on many fronts, things weren't supposed to happen and they're suspect.
	So it needs to now, according to the Constitution, when a certain number of members say this is calling for a recount or an audit, you're supposed to stop and have a meeting with everyone called to order and then...
	Send it back to the states.
	They did none of that.
	Yeah, of course they did.
	Well, they did reject it.
	That process did start.
	There was a couple senators, I believe, from Arizona.
	Don't hold me on the facts.
	But they did say, hey, we need to go work this out in the chambers.
	And that's when the smoke bombs went off.
	And the feds, I'm sorry, the Patriot, the bad Trumpers, came into the Capitol.
	And then at that point, you know, their lives were in danger.
	Yeah, because they were on the walkie-talkie with, you know...
	Whichever congresswoman was running the show and going, you know, 10-4, our Hollywood producer and director say...
	Drop the smoke bombs.
	So anyway, when Jan 6 happened and we breached the Capitol and we were shooting, killing everyone, that's when they said, you know what?
	The only one person killed was Roseanne Boylan, a Trumper.
	I mean, well, they beat Roseanne Boylan to death, too.
	And they shot Ashley Bavitt.
	Yeah, they shot a Trumper.
	But anyway, they said after that, they're like, you know what?
	Let's just certify this election.
	It's been a crazy day.
	And then they certified it.
	I just want to say that my friend told me Trump was on Sunday.
	I just want to tell everybody, send a letter to the Supreme Court and saying you are in agreement with and are thankful that they're going to hear that case because we got to write in in support of it and make our voices heard because we can't have...
	A free country without free elections.
	Right.
	We cannot.
	And just because it's in the docket, I remember this from a lot of the election lawsuits, it just basically goes in a folder where they decide if they're going to hear it.
	They still might not hear it.
	So it's giving them a little bit of pressure.
	Yeah, like about 20 million letters from American writing.
	Why not listen to the case?
	I mean, didn't Trump get, I don't know what they say, he got 80 plus million votes this time.
	70s.
	It was a red wave.
	The whole country voted for him.
	Whatever, but if just a percentage, if not all of those people would write the Supreme Court and say, we're in support of you hearing that case, that would be great for our country.
	Well, 2020 needs to be audited, and I'm hopeful that when Trump gets in, that that's what happens, because once you prove that Biden stole 2020, you destroy the deep state.
	Well, if the Supreme Court rules that they certified illegally, they illegally certified, which they did, an election, then that entire...
	Cabinet will be erased.
	So Biden can't pardon Hunter.
	Yeah.
	That's where we go.
	And none of that money is going to the Ukraine or any of them other motherfuckers.
	We're not going to fund ISIS and Hamas anymore.
	That would be amazing.
	I know fraud vitiates it.
	What's the word?
	Vitiates.
	Fraud vitiates everything.
	So if they do prove that Biden certified.
	We're not going to have to need to start a war with Russia.
	All right, I'm down.
	Rush is our friend.
	Can we talk about shaving your balls real quick?
	No, wait.
	I just want to say Trump was on Kristen Welker Sunday morning, you know, weekend, whatever it's called.
	And my friend told me he watched it.
	I want to see it.
	It's on YouTube.
	And she goes, will you just admit that there was no fraud on the 2020 election?
	He goes, why would I say that?
	Yeah, he said no.
	Why would you?
	And then she's like, well...
	Because if she's trying to feel it out for all her buddies that know they're going to get caught...
	Yeah.
	I mean, they lied every day since Trump was...
	Oh, yeah.
	I mean, they lied about Russia, Russia, Russia.
	They lied about the jab.
	The Ukraine.
	They lied about that children need to not go to school.
	That was bullshit.
	Six feet was bullshit.
	Six feet, masks.
	Mm-hmm.
	Fauci needs to go to jail.
	They're talking about pardoning.
	Biden's going to pardon Fauci preemptively.
	I don't know if they can do that.
	If you're not charged, you can't be pardoned.
	If they pull that off, then we're going to have to get We're going to have to do something.
	That's all I'm going to say.
	Wink, wink.
	They cannot allow...
	You can't preemptively pardon somebody.
	Okay, what?
	You need...
	Here's what's happening, though, is that we're seeing stuff unfold.
	For instance, we're seeing that Washington, D.C. is not a part of the United States of America.
	That's true.
	They have their own constitution, and it's different from the ones...
	They're incorporated.
	The states live under...
	It's like the Vatican.
	They are a nation under themselves like the Vatican.
	97% Democrat.
	Yeah.
	Absolutely.
	And you can see by the J6ers having...
	Not a right to a fair trial.
	Not a right to a speedy trial.
	No witnesses for their side and no jury.
	That is not the United States.
	And it's being proven to us that that is a foreign occupying government.
	100%.
	So, I mean, that's what Derek Johnson talks about.
	When they are fully identified as being a foreign, a hostile, foreign-occupying government, that's going to change America a lot.
	It really, really is.
	Good.
	Well, I hope so, because they have to pardon Trump.
	I heard there's a lot of political...
	pressure from his fuck because trump's surrounded by idiots saying that you can't pardon a lot of the j6ers that this is what i've heard inside baseball but because biden pardon hunter trump is now saying hey fuck it i'm gonna pardon j6ers and he truthed it out right away and on that same interview he did say he was gonna pardon a lot of the j6ers but some of the j6ers did do violent acts and I don't know that they're all going to be pardoned, but he can certainly pardon people that weren't there, like Enrique, Turo, whatever.
	He wasn't even fucking in D.C. at the time.
	17 years or something.
	You talked, we did an episode.
	He has political cover to pardon a lot of the J6ers, which is good news.
	Yeah, but check this out.
	When Trump went to the Vatican, he removed all of America's gold from there.
	When he went to England, he let the Queen know, when he sat in Church Hill's chair and walked in front of the Queen, He let everybody know that he had intended on purpose to break the corporation, and he did.
	So he's breaking the corporation of the District of Columbia, which is not a state, has nothing to do with America.
	It decides where our kids are going to go fight for a rich man's oil.
	It decides where our taxes go.
	It decides where our money goes, and it's not even a part of our fucking country.
	And I bet no one knows that.
	But how about, I'm telling them, and you're seeing, that is the old guard, surrounded by obelisks and pentagrams and fucking one goddamn devil-worshiping thing after another.
	It's all gonna go.
	Daddy's home.
	All right.
	Before she blows it.
	See, she spews out shit.
	She does.
	You're gonna have to censor that, too.
	No.
	No.
	Daddy's home is Trump is home.
	I know.
	You don't have to censor.
	All right, Mom.
	Remember Manscaped, our favorite, if you shave your balls?
	Speaking of Daddy's home...
	Your dad's home and he needs to shave his balls.
	Well, hey.
	Anyway, the holidays are sneaking up faster than your fourth cup of peppermint mocha.
	God, I hate that.
	I'll tell you.
	Back in my day, the men never shaved their balls.
	No, it's a new thing.
	They didn't have nothing to shave them with.
	This is a God's gift for the younger men.
	So that's right.
	I'm going to let you talk.
	But the chairman pro...
	This package from Manscaped is what we're selling.
	And this is a great product because they have two razors.
	You can shave your face with the razors.
	They're great.
	I shaved my face with that razor.
	No, that's great.
	They gave you one.
	But it has technology that protects you from nicking yourself or hurting yourself, especially in that area.
	You don't want some big buzzy thing like you did with your vibrator when you burned yourself.
	You want to be really careful.
	That's back when I was alive, though.
	That was like 35 years ago.
	Thanks for bringing that up on the podcast with me and my mother, Shannon, by the way.
	She don't care.
	I'm traumatized.
	I'll be honest with you.
	She started talking about anal sex yesterday when we were in the valley.
	I said, do you mind?
	That's my son.
	With me or with Buck?
	You.
	You.
	You were standing there when we went outside to smoke.
	She starts talking about something.
	I go, Shannon, do you mind?
	This is my son.
	Well, anyway.
	I don't wish to go into that with my son standing here.
	Yeah, me and mom don't want to talk about her vibrator burns ever again.
	Don't ever do that again.
	Okay.
	Anyway.
	That's all right.
	It's SkinSafe is a technology.
	I'll let you tell more.
	But anyway, Manscaped makes great products.
	You can shave your nether regions and it's Christmas time.
	If you're a woman, you got the perfect gift for your man.
	It's right.
	It really is.
	Ladies, the holidays are coming.
	Get your man the gift of clean-shaven balls with the chairman pro package from Manscaped.
	It's like the Rudolph of grooming, guiding him to the smoothest, irritation-free shave of his life.
	Trust me, he will look so good, you'll be taking all the credit at every holiday party.
	Well, I hope he's not shown...
	Yeah, why would you take credit at a holiday party?
	Well, if they're wild parties, I guess, the kind Shannon goes to.
	But anyway, gift your man with the ultimate grooming experience by Manscaped and get him the chairman.
	Pro package for the holidays is a thoughtful, practical gift that he'll actually use and love, and so will you.
	Get 20% off...
	And free shipping with the code ROSANNE at manscaped.com.
	That's 20% off and free shipping with the code ROSANNE at manscaped.com.
	Yay, shave balls!
	Shaved balls.
	I love shaved balls.
	Do you want to get the last one out of the way and then we can just shoot the shave for 15 minutes?
	Can we talk about shaved balls with Shannon for a minute here?
	You do whatever you want.
	Okay, then we'll do that one.
	You're the boss.
	You love shaved balls?
	Well, I don't like a lot of hair down there.
	Does John shave his balls?
	You said you have a lot of hair down there.
	I have a lot of hair down there.
	That's my son.
	This is your friend.
	I didn't invite Shannon.
	We're Cancers.
	Cancers are the underground Scorpio.
	We're sex freaks too.
	Oh, I'm no sex freak.
	That's back when I was alive, I told you.
	I've got memories.
	Wait, we might have to bleep this, but I'll never forget her answering the door when we were in Florida doing the pan selling.
	Remember the pans?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Oh, Christ.
	And she entered the door in a latex maid outfit.
	Do you remember that?
	It was like black latex with a white apron.
	Were you alone or was there someone with you?
	No, it was her boyfriend.
	Well, that's okay.
	Yeah.
	She was having fun, and I'm like...
	Did you know it was Shannon when you answered the door?
	Yeah, of course.
	Yeah, I always go...
	Like, that's my neck.
	So I did it for a joke.
	And she had, like, the vacuum, and she had the face up and on.
	It was so cute.
	She's a pleaser.
	She's a people pleaser.
	That's so cute.
	No, that was back in her freakier times.
	Yeah, your freakier times, though, when you were a single girl, you were, remember on the talk show, you were just crazy.
	I was dating Daniel, who's 10 years younger.
	Yeah.
	John might watch this.
	We can't tell the show.
	He knows.
	He knows all of it?
	Yeah.
	I can tell a channel story.
	Not all of it.
	Not all of it.
	I love John.
	He goes, honey, I'm scared of your past.
	Don't ever tell him.
	So, anyway, you were always the wild, swinging, single chick, and I was the old married lady.
	But...
	Things have flipped.
	Yeah.
	Now I'm the wild single chick.
	And you're the married lady.
	Isn't it weird how shit goes?
	And you're like, I can't because I have to make a charcuterie plate for my husband.
	You can't do nothing because you're always making charcuterie.
	I love how you say that.
	Charcuterie.
	Because you're so cuterie.
	But you do.
	You love being up.
	Little wife.
	I never thought I'd see you like that.
	I do.
	I love pleasing my husband.
	I love making him happy.
	He takes really good care of me.
	All the money I make, he goes, honey, that's your beauty money.
	You can get your Botox, your filler, your hair, your nails, your whatever, you know, all the shit that we need.
	And he pays all the bills.
	So I got it made.
	And I take really good care of him.
	I have a lot of sex and, you know, take care of him.
	And I'm pretty good at cooking.
	You are a good cook.
	Well, you're a good charcuterie.
	No, but your charcuterie is fucking killer.
	How do you say charcuterie?
	Charcuterie.
	Oh, charcuterie.
	That shit is fire.
	Your charcuterie is fire.
	You're fire.
	I just want to say, I came in for the weekend for a secret project.
	Best project ever.
	Which you were fire.
	Yes.
	Thank you.
	You are so cool.
	I want to just go back and say, when everyone asks me, what is it like being besties with you?
	The coolest, the hippest, the funniest, the coolest.
	The funnest.
	Just, and then, like, we like to take naps and sleep.
	And then I know when to leave you alone and you get on your computer.
	Yeah, you're good at that.
	Like when I say, Shannon, get the fuck out of here.
	Yeah, you really take up myself.
	You've got a good cue.
	No, I mean, I know.
	You pick up my cues.
	And I know when to leave you alone and when to, like, have fun.
	And tonight, can I say what we're going to do?
	Yeah.
	You can say the clean part.
	What does that mean?
	The latex made outfits later.
	Well, we're going down Santa Monica Boulevard.
	No, you can go to the Comedy Store.
	No, we're going to the Comedy Store.
	It's already done by then, Sarah.
	She's going to do 15. So excited for this.
	And we're going to see your friend Sam Tripoli.
	Who was our guest last week.
	Who was your guest last week.
	And...
	I heard Carolla was going to be there.
	Is that true?
	Adam Carolla.
	We've got to get him on the podcast.
	What's his name?
	Dare.
	Jimmy Dare.
	Jimmy Dore.
	Dore.
	I'll cut that out.
	Bobby Lee.
	I love Bobby Lee.
	That girl.
	Nikki Glazer?
	Nikki Glazer.
	I love Nikki Glazer.
	And another girl I don't know.
	And...
	A couple other guys I don't know.
	Please remember to tell them you have a podcast.
	She doesn't ever tell them she has a podcast.
	I'll be her.
	We want all those people.
	Oh, I'll ask them to be on the podcast.
	I'll be her wingman.
	I don't like to ask people to be on my podcast.
	No, they want to be on your podcast.
	It's not like, come to my house and rub my back.
	No, I asked Kato Kaelin because we saw him the other night.
	No, he's coming on.
	And I said, Kato, are you ready to come on?
	Because he's really funny, isn't he?
	He was super cool.
	Remember what he said about the OJ thing?
	What?
	That there was a thing going before OJ died.
	He confessed to killing Nicole, but then he said it was AI. He said it's probably AI. It's probably.
	It could be AI. That's so scary.
	I think he would confess, though, because I think he had a lot of guilt over it.
	He should have so he could go to heaven.
	Yeah, maybe he did.
	Mom doesn't understand that she has a kick-ass podcast.
	It's driving me crazy.
	She's like, I don't want to ask them.
	They want to be on here.
	Kato Kaelin texts me every three days for last year.
	Who?
	Kato.
	Kato, for example.
	Bobby Lee was going to come on.
	I love him.
	He's so hilarious.
	Yeah, he's so funny.
	No, but you're not asking for something that's going to make them uncomfortable.
	They want to do it.
	No, they don't want it.
	She doesn't get it yet.
	She doesn't understand.
	But should I just be like her wingman and just say...
	Get their numbers, get them to me.
	Shannon's good at that, getting guys' numbers.
	Adam already said he would do it.
	Adam's the best podcast.
	Fuck Joe Rogan.
	Adam's the goat.
	Adam is the goat.
	When he went after New Scum, He fucking leveled Newsome.
	I used to go watch Adam Carolla and Dennis Prager and talk on stage.
	He was the first person to ever make money at podcasting.
	He used to make fun of podcasters.
	He was the guy that broke it.
	That's why we're doing this.
	It's Adam Carolla, and he doesn't get the respect he deserves.
	Thanks, Adam.
	I love him.
	He said he'd do the show.
	Yeah, he's really a down-to-earth type of guy.
	How funny that he did the man show with Jimmy Kimmel.
	I think they're still buddies.
	Which, that's pretty amazing that they could still be friends.
	God, I wish my friend Jenny Hope would be like that.
	Let's talk about that.
	But I mean, Jimmy Kimmel, oh my god.
	Bye, baby.
	That poor guy.
	I feel sorry for him.
	Well, I remember when he was with Sarah, we were friendly with him.
	I saw them, Sarah Silverman.
	Oh, yeah, Sarah Silverman.
	He was nice to her.
	And he was nice to you, too, back then.
	Yeah, he was really nice to me.
	Yeah.
	Then you became a Trump supporter.
	Oh, well, they made him turn off.
	You know, he probably doesn't even feel that way.
	I feel like next year.
	They're probably like, Jimmy, you've got to take Trump down because he's going to expose you for going to Epstein Island.
	That's what I think.
	You think it was Mockingbird?
	Well, he was on the manifest.
	Yeah, I know.
	Yeah.
	Is he on the Diddy list?
	Remember, he got death threats.
	Of course, he's on every fucking list.
	He got death threats from that list.
	Who?
	Jimmy.
	They're all on the list, except me, because nobody ever wanted to fuck me, or they never invited me to any sex parties.
	Well, I know someone that might have a crush on you.
	No, say it.
	I'm not.
	You're a big fucking yappy.
	I'm not.
	No, she doesn't know anybody.
	Shut up!
	Oh yeah, we can't.
	I am not.
	Shut up.
	I'm not saying anything.
	There's a lot of people who have a crush on me.
	I know.
	But I don't care because I am never going to have sex unless I'm married.
	You don't know that.
	Unless I'm married.
	I'm never having sex again unless I am married.
	You told me you got married so you wouldn't have to have sex.
	That's why you got married.
	Well, that's why I get married after, you know.
	That is true.
	That is why I married people to have sex for a while and then never again.
	And they're trapped and they can't get out.
	Well, then I'm trapped.
	Interesting.
	I like the feeling of being trapped and you can't get out.
	Why?
	I don't know because then I can...
	Talk myself into saying, oh, it's okay if you cheat and run around and lie.
	Yeah, can we do psychology on this podcast?
	I want to do that.
	What?
	I like to psychoanalyze you.
	I did it a couple weeks ago.
	People loved it.
	I love it.
	Yeah.
	You know, because I just want to cheat and lie and run around and do wrong.
	Because I'm the hoochie coochie gal.
	Everybody knows I'm hell.
	So you couldn't be in an open relationship because then there's no thrill of cheating?
	No, because then he'd try to go have sex.
	She's super jealous.
	I'd have to kill the woman and then cut his nutsack off.
	So your whole plan is to trap the guy so that you can just torment him and cheat on him?
	Yeah.
	Why?
	Huh?
	Why would you try and torment another person?
	Well, because I guess I'm taking after my parents.
	Yeah, don't do that.
	You should know not to take after your parents.
	Well, no, I recognize it now.
	That's why I'm not with anyone until I get married, which I would never get married unless I meet someone richer than me with a terminal illness.
	No, you're not going to quit saying that.
	You know what?
	You could fall in love with someone.
	Oh God, I'd rather stick hot fucking pokers right through my eyeballs than fall in love ever.
	I'll never fall in love again.
	What do you do when you fall in love?
	She doesn't understand.
	She could find someone who's nice to her and loves her and she'd be happy.
	I never find anyone who's nice to me.
	Because you're not nice to them.
	Because I'm really mean to them.
	You have to be nice for this to work.
	She's a narcissist and she attracts another narcissist and there can only be one narcissist in the family.
	No, I'm codependent.
	You can't be codependent with a narcissist.
	That's ridiculous.
	That's bad planning.
	That's what I do.
	That's dumb.
	Well, about 20 of them.
	You have to be codependent with someone who's codependent.
	Oh.
	You can't be codependent with a narcissist.
	Wait, was your dad a narcissist?
	No, but he was codependent.
	Oh.
	He went to CODA meetings.
	That's how I know this.
	We have to do one more ad, and then I want to get into this.
	He did?
	Yeah.
	I'm knocking this out.
	He didn't go to any goddamn meetings when I tried to make him go to meetings.
	It was after you divorced him.
	He got totally into self-help.
	That's what got him on the prescription drugs, and now he's a fucking lunatic.
	Noble Gold.
	Hold on.
	I want to get into this.
	We got to knock this one out.
	This is the last one.
	Noble Gold.
	She's out of cigs.
	When central bankers stock up on gold, it's a sign they're preparing for something big.
	Right now, they're buying gold as though it's the last asset standing.
	Did you know this, Shannon?
	Bankers are buying gold.
	Yep.
	Follow the bankers.
	Should I sell my stock?
	No.
	You don't have to sell your stock.
	Do you have an IRA? Do you have a retirement plan?
	Oh, no.
	You don't even have medical insurance.
	Yes, I do.
	Do you have money saved?
	You got that finally?
	Yes.
	And then next year, I'm on Medicare.
	All right!
	We're getting the facelifts and the ponytail facelifts.
	Do you have money saved?
	Yeah, I have some stock.
	What do you do?
	Her mom left her some big stocks and big businesses.
	I did Apple.
	Okay, well, what I'm saying is a lot of people have money in the savings account, and that doesn't do shit.
	Your bank doesn't do shit.
	No, I don't do that.
	And especially when the dollar fucking goes down, people don't understand this.
	You have $50,000 saved in the bank, right?
	And the dollar goes down 10 years from now, $50,000 is what?
	Counts as what?
	25,000?
	Counts as now?
	Now you only have 25,000.
	It doesn't matter what the number is.
	It's what it's worth.
	The reason people are moving to gold and bankers are doing it is because once you buy gold or silver, it pretty much locks it in.
	It protects your wealth.
	The dollar goes down.
	Nothing goes down.
	Precious metals really will not go down.
	So if you have money saved or if you want to Protect your wealth.
	Gold and silver.
	That's why they're on every conservative podcast.
	We partnered up with Noble Gold.
	We love them.
	Colin Plum is a friend of ours.
	He was on our show.
	And it's a great company.
	He's cute, but his head is way too long.
	I think he looks like the guy from The Punisher and Walking Dead.
	Yeah, he does look like The Punisher.
	I don't know what that is.
	A great actor.
	Does he need bangs?
	No, he's just a handsome guy, but he's really, really bright.
	He started this company on his own, and he's not too big.
	He employs his family.
	He's a really good dude, and there's a lot of gold companies out there.
	We like Noble Gold.
	I'll let you tell people more.
	But we are loving this company.
	I'll tell you why specifically is Collins.
	Specifically.
	What did I say?
	I gotta stop saying especially.
	I know.
	I can't stand it when you say especially.
	Especially.
	I've been working on it.
	You need to say, can I ask you a question especially?
	I'll never forget.
	Johnny told me.
	I said realtor.
	And he goes, Shannon, it's realtor.
	And I never forgot that.
	He always would correct me.
	But it is especially.
	Anyway, I'll let you tell the people more.
	Real quick, this guy, Colin Plume, wrote a book called Silver is the New Oil.
	And he's telling silver because it's 30 bucks now.
	Oh, not gold.
	No, you need to invest in silver, honey.
	Buy silver, buy silver, buy silver.
	Put your money in silver because it's going up.
	And use no gold and use the shit she's going to tell you when you do it and we get a kickback.
	Okay.
	Your husband should know this.
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	Don't wait until it's too late.
	Visit noblegoldinvestments.com now and bag up to 10 one-ounce silver Trump coins or a 10-ounce silver American flag bar with a qualifying account.
	That's rosannbargold.com noblegoldinvestments.
	Protect your wealth while you still can!
	I want to psychoanalyze you for 10 seconds.
	Ouch!
	Okay.
	I want you to find someone that loves you and is nice and is healthy.
	Well, that'll never happen.
	No, you're lovable.
	I am so not lovable, though.
	You get in your own way and you become a dick, but I've seen you.
	I've seen you be nice for long periods of time.
	You can do it.
	Yeah.
	Yes.
	No, I'm lovable, but people don't get my type of lovable.
	No, you get in your head and sometimes you do things that are untoward.
	No, I just, you know, I just tried to be funny.
	I think you sabotage sometimes, right?
	We've talked about this.
	So if someone did come along and they liked you, you would probably...
	Once someone ceases to find me fascinating, I fucking hate their guts.
	Because, Shannon, right?
	Once a guy ceases to...
	Yeah.
	Honey?
	I said she sabotages sometimes.
	I do, because once a guy ceases to find me fascinating, I don't like him no more.
	That sounds really narcissistic, though.
	No, here's what happened.
	What is this, Shannon?
	Get on your way.
	Why are you...
	Why are you fluffy?
	Because she's a hair and makeup.
	My hair, but honey.
	But honey.
	You can't be friends with a hair and makeup artist and not have to.
	You do look good.
	But you're my hair and makeup.
	Oh, well.
	Alright, so once a guy ceases to find her fascinating, she decides to destroy him and the relationship.
	Okay, here's what happens is they love bomb.
	They do love bomb.
	We didn't know that term before.
	Hey, by the way, do you have any money?
	No.
	So they're like, love bombing.
	And I've seen this In your relationships, in many of my friends, you get love bombed, you get sucked in, they're like, ah, and sending you roses and this and that, and then they draw you in.
	They do draw you in.
	And then you're addicted to them, and you're like codependent, and you're like, ah, I'll do anything for you.
	I love you so much.
	And then they just start going, fuck you.
	Yeah, that's exactly it.
	Isn't that narcissism though?
	That someone you want to be adored and someone just kisses your ass and love bombs you?
	Isn't that narcissism?
	Like you just want to be loved and adored?
	No, I want to give it back too.
	Yeah, she wants to be loved and she wants to love them.
	I don't think you're a narcissist.
	I'm just asking.
	I'm not.
	Okay.
	But...
	Well, you do love yourself.
	I do because I'm so funny.
	I walked in on you watching your own podcast.
	She does it all the time.
	Look, I'm watching my favorite person, myself.
	I do.
	I never know what I'm going to say.
	You don't think there's a guy out there that would be fascinated by you Repeatedly for years on end?
	Because people are fascinated by you.
	You've been famous for 40 years.
	People are still fascinated by you.
	You have the ability to be fascinating.
	I think she's in her new...
	No, I don't think there's any guy who could match me.
	Oh, I know what it is.
	Wait.
	I know what it is.
	What?
	The normal stage of every relationship when you've gotten through all the mystery.
	Honeymoon phase.
	And you're like, oh, here we are.
	We're two people.
	We know each other's ins and outs.
	And now we're at that phase.
	You don't like that phase.
	Because it's not fun and romantic.
	I never get that phase.
	I do like the idea of it, but I never get it.
	I never get to that phase with anybody where you're just like friends and you have fun.
	I always get a fucking bummer of an asshole that's like, where are you going?
	I get that.
	Where are you going out again?
	How many people do you have to talk to every day?
	When do you go out?
	No, she's talking about her relationships.
	Okay, because now it's like, please go outside.
	You're still alive.
	Quit saying that.
	Okay, I got it.
	But there could be a guy that's like, hey, you're so cool.
	No, they're like, oh, I love going with you.
	And then you get there to where you're going.
	And then he's a drag.
	And then he's a fucking drag and insults you in front of your friends.
	Well, Johnny was a drag, but Tom was, like, gregarious and wanted to be famous.
	Yeah, but he always insulted me in front of our friends, too.
	No way.
	Yeah, he did.
	He'd always insult me.
	Give me an example.
	He had that kind of, like, he would rib people.
	He did it to me, too.
	No, but he insulted me in front of my friends over and over.
	Until one time we were on stage and he had that big, shitty, phony-ass...
	Grin of his.
	I had just about fucking had enough.
	Well, I'd had more than enough.
	And he was doing that smiling shit.
	This was at the end of your marriage?
	Middle.
	Okay.
	And what did he do?
	He said the shit-eating, ha-ha-ha.
	Blah-blah-blah-blah shit he does.
	And he's insulting me at a benefit thing.
	Always insulting me.
	That's fucked up.
	Yeah, he's fucked up.
	So I had just had it, and I was uncomfortable because I was a big fat woman in spike heels, and my God, there's nothing more tortures.
	I... I can't wear spike heels.
	I know.
	And I was a big fat woman in my spike heel.
	And so I'm like, this motherfucker's getting the spike heel treatment.
	Did you hit him with the spike heel?
	No.
	I simply stepped onto his big toe and fucking put all my fucking weight right there.
	Oh, 180. I think it was 190 at that point.
	Good.
	On one spike heel, bitch.
	And he was looking at me, he goes, smiling at him, big fucking ass eating grin.
	What are you doing?
	I go, you Enjoy it, you son of a bitch.
	Fucking, you like it?
	You like it?
	Isn't it great?
	This was on stage?
	Yeah.
	Oh my god, I love that.
	He goes, honey, honey, honey.
	Look at her face right now.
	That's terrifying.
	Oh, I am a terrifying bitch.
	Oh, wait.
	I told you, Roseanne Barr ain't nothing to fuck with.
	Can I just tell you, my husband downloaded her wicked appearance on Madison Square Garden.
	No, that wasn't wicked.
	It was a Wizard of Oz.
	No, was it called Oz?
	It was called Oz.
	Oz.
	Oz, yes.
	I'm sorry.
	One of the best things you've ever done, aside from what we did this last week.
	Dude, I was blown fucking away.
	I like to be 12 and pretend when I love playing the Wicked Witch.
	Ah!
	And Jake said every night you would do a different thing.
	I'm melting!
	It's not...
	What was it?
	It's not easy being green!
	It was so hilarious.
	Do it in your voice.
	Yeah, I was screaming.
	And I was blown away.
	And then I sent it to all my family, and they're like, wow, she's such a great actress.
	And I said, yeah.
	Like, you didn't even...
	I know, that's why I don't get any fucking gigs, because I'm too good for these Hollywood people.
	No, listen.
	Like that fucking Meryl Streep, she ain't shit.
	We was in a movie together, and everybody said...
	Everybody said, you fucking outshone...
	Meryl Streep, I go, I know, and I had never even acted before.
	I know I knocked the bitch down to her knees.
	What the fuck you gonna do?
	I'm me.
	Dude, if there are any directors, producers, movie peoples out here, this chick can act.
	She can do it in one take.
	You've seen me do it all.
	I've seen you do it.
	One take, baby.
	That's all she needs.
	I ain't got time to fuck around.
	That was pretty critically acclaimed, that play.
	That was a hit.
	It was a hit.
	You said you did it for three months.
	Six months.
	12 shows a week.
	Can you imagine, people?
	12 shows a week.
	That was a lot.
	How old were you then?
	Buck was two.
	So he's 29 now.
	28?
	Yeah.
	Is he 28?
	Your energy level's a little less now.
	Yeah.
	So 26 years ago.
	I remember one night, they paint me green, you know, before I go up on the bike.
	I'm flying on the bike.
	With a harness on.
	Yeah.
	But they have these sponges.
	We've got to do it fast to change.
	So they paint me green and everything.
	I did two shows.
	I was dead.
	I come home, get in the elevator there, living at...
	I can't remember what it was.
	Not the Ritz?
	No, some other one.
	The big one.
	I don't remember.
	Whatever.
	So I get in the elevator, and there's a...
	Barry Diller.
	And I didn't wash all my makeup off.
	I still had like a hint of green in the elevated fluorescent lights.
	He goes, Roseanne, you look great!
	Your skin looks fucking fabulous!
	He did not.
	Yes, he did.
	And then in my mind I was thinking, of course green skin looks good to you, reptile.
	No!
	Oh my god.
	Wait, who was Barry Diller married to?
	He's married to that wonderful woman.
	I can't remember her name.
	Diane Von Furstenberg.
	Hey Siri, who was Barry Diller married to?
	Diane Von Furstenberg.
	Oh.
	Diane Von Furstenberg.
	Yeah, she used to love Sue Mengers too.
	Oh, I love Diane Von Furstenberg.
	Yeah, she is so cool.
	So where are you going tonight?
	Let's get into this and then I'll let you guys go.
	I'm going to the comedy store to see my friends in the youth.
	Where it all started, right?
	Yeah, it all started for me at the comedy store.
	So I'm excited to go back there and see what's become of it.
	I've only been back a few times.
	But they got a lot of young comics, and it'll be exciting to watch these young comics, because, you know, I don't know what they're talking about, but, you know, I hate youth.
	I hate the youth.
	They're all fucking stupid and corrupted and MK-altered.
	So it'll be interesting to see the shit they spew.
	I have to say something.
	The last time we went there was two years ago.
	You were prepping for your Fox Nation stand-up.
	And it was so fun.
	And we got high as a kite out on the deck with all the peeps.
	And some guy passed us a spleef that was like six inches long or maybe ten.
	And then you got really high.
	We were really high.
	And Tony Hinchcliffe is like, okay, you're on.
	And then you're like, I'm too high.
	I said, I'm too high to go on stage.
	I'm too high.
	He goes, get out there, bitch!
	And he pushed you out with Jeffrey Ross.
	And it was awesome.
	I just went off on the fucking Democrats.
	They loved it too.
	I was surprised.
	You just riffed.
	It was two years ago too and you know they was pretty Democrat there but they liked it.
	And then we had gone upstairs to see Theo Vaughn, and I did time at his show.
	And Bobby Lee was up there.
	And Bobby Lee.
	And I got up.
	I didn't want to.
	I was scared.
	But I did a horrible seven minutes.
	It was mediocre.
	No, you're never mediocre.
	And Theo Vaughn goes, next time you might not want to...
	Get so high.
	Get so high or drunk.
	He's right.
	I tell you this every week and you get mad at me, but marijuana is not your friend.
	And I'm like, bitch, I just fucking separated two girls in the bathroom fighting over your ass.
	Remember that?
	We went in the bathroom and there was one girl was like, there was two girls in there that he invited that night, both gorgeous.
	And the one goes, I'm his girlfriend.
	And the other one goes, well, he invited me to come here tonight.
	Remember?
	Yeah.
	And they were like gonna get ready to choke each other out.
	And then you said...
	And then I said what?
	Bitch, he's a player.
	Don't even fool around because he's gonna, you know, That's what they do.
	That's what the players do.
	Comics.
	Players gotta play.
	Yeah, players play.
	Don't hate the player, hate the game, motherfucker.
	Yeah, I mean, you know...
	He's cute.
	He is a doll.
	And he's funny.
	Oh, he's so funny.
	I wonder if he has a big one.
	Of course you do.
	But I mean, he should not have invited someone the night his, quote, girlfriends there.
	He fucked up.
	I'm like, you need to start smoking pot again and drinking so you won't get so fucking confused with the chicks you invite out.
	I feel like he probably did.
	I got it.
	I feel like he probably did it on purpose, but.
	Yeah, he's probably like me where you've got to sabotage.
	You've got a girlfriend or a boyfriend.
	Why do you think you sabotage?
	Because they're calling themselves your boyfriend when you're not even...
	She sabotages a lot of things.
	It's just her personality.
	Yeah, she does.
	I just have to fuck shit up.
	I've seen you do that.
	I'm not going to let her.
	I have to fuck shit up.
	You don't have to fuck shit up.
	Things going well, you should enjoy when you go well.
	Yeah, don't sabotage.
	When things go well, I tend to fuck them up.
	Yeah, I know you do.
	Or if they're going bad, I tend to drop a big-ass bomb on them.
	That's okay.
	If it's going bad, blow that shit up.
	But when it's going good, leave it alone.
	No, listen.
	End of story.
	2025. No sabotaging.
	Let things flow.
	God is coming.
	I'm not going to let anything flow.
	The old man comes up to me and is trying to have sex.
	We're talking about everything.
	As we did when we were doing our thing.
	And this old man comes up and goes, you're looking.
	You are so blah, blah.
	And I'm like, oh, well, you're not bad yourself.
	He was 10 years older than me.
	And he's like, well, are you going to this and that?
	And I go, listen.
	We're past the age of having any sex.
	Let's get real.
	You're too fucking old and wrinkled to even be thinking about that kind of shit.
	But you know, I shouldn't...
	And he agreed.
	He laughed.
	Who's this?
	Some guy at the deal.
	He was kind of cute, too.
	He was 82. But I'm like, she says, what's her name's boyfriend?
	82. And he's...
	He's very sexually active.
	He's able to perform without any pharmaceutical aids.
	There wasn't Viagra when Charlie Chaplin had a baby at 90. Some men can still go.
	Wait, Charlie Chaplin had a baby at 90?
	Yeah, Tony Randall.
	I don't think Viagra was around then.
	Tony Randall?
	I thought he was gay.
	No, Tony Randall had a kid in his age.
	There's so many.
	Now we go, oh, it's Viagra.
	But no, some dudes can still shoot.
	It is gross.
	Anthony Quinn.
	They shouldn't.
	If your neck looks like a fucking turkey gobble or whatever they call them, you should be thinking about having sex.
	You should be thinking about volunteer work.
	Or you need him.
	The Viagra.
	No, you do.
	Old man having sex with Christ.
	Some guys don't need Viagra.
	Some guys in their 80s and 90s and everything still works.
	My husband is good.
	He is?
	How old is your husband?
	70. Your husband is sexually able to conjugate...
	He doesn't need pills of any kind?
	He conjugates your marital vows...
	Huh?
	He doesn't do any kind of thing?
	No.
	Yeah.
	That's good.
	We have sex on the weekends, like Saturday and Sunday.
	We call Saturday party night, Sunday fun day.
	I think that's great.
	That is repulsive.
	I love, he goes, that's great, and you go, that's repulsive.
	That's the difference between me and my, oh my god, I hope when I'm, how old is John?
	70. I hope when I'm 70, I'm still.
	But you have the testosterone.
	He is hairy, like John.
	Apparently, because of this, I won't have bunnies.
	All the back and the front hair and the top is bald.
	The bald head is.
	Testosterone.
	That's like Jake stabbed as a fucking bear.
	He has body hair like a son of a bitch.
	You're a poor dad.
	My poor dad.
	Oh, uh...
	He should have minded his P's and Q's, this stupid son of a bitch.
	Actually, you don't sabotage.
	You destroy that poor bastard.
	He never was the same.
	Trailer.
	He's done.
	Well, I mean, he asked for it.
	Hey, she left him money.
	I know, and he blew it all.
	He shouldn't have started any shit with me.
	I hope he doesn't hear this.
	I love you, Bill.
	He doesn't listen.
	No, he always, every year...
	On February 4th, he always says, happy anniversary, Roseanne.
	We've been together for, what is it?
	This was our 50th anniversary.
	No way.
	This year was our 50th anniversary.
	He's a good guy, but he's a libtard.
	He's a libtard.
	He's on too many medications and Xanax fucked with his brain.
	But the Democrats, they're anti-sex.
	That's the whole deal.
	They're anti-sex with an adult.
	Well, we're going to get you back on the happy trail.
	I think my personal...
	Passageway is...
	Passageway?
	What's your passageway?
	My personal passageway is like...
	Vaginal canal?
	That's my son saying that's gross.
	Well, if you're not going to say it, I'm going to have to say it.
	Okay, my personal passageway, that shit is just closed down.
	It's too thin.
	Yeah, it's a vaginal thinness.
	The only part of me that's thin is my vaginal walls.
	Oh, that's a good joke for tonight.
	What?
	My vaginal...
	The only thing thin about me is my vaginal walls.
	Oh, at this age, it's true.
	It is true, but you don't have to...
	No, I love that.
	That's a good joke.
	Oh, I see what you're saying.
	Yeah, for tonight.
	You can plump up your vaginal wall.
	Shannon does it.
	Yeah, and you get wet and juicy.
	I just think that is sinful to be old and craving sex.
	It is not.
	It is.
	It's wrong.
	Mom's right.
	Naturally, it's not supposed to happen.
	That's why you have to take meds.
	No, you're supposed to be into your volunteer work at that age.
	Well, I mean, some people do that as volunteer work when you think about it.
	Okay, here's what I want for you at the very least is a beautiful, nice companion that you can go...
	You know what I want for you?
	And I'm going to get real here.
	You can have fun with.
	I want someone that sees you the same way that I see you and Hannah sees you and Shannon sees you.
	Yeah, and I see you as a loving, fun person who wants to have fun and hang out.
	They're there to protect you and help you and guide.
	Yeah, protect you.
	That'll never happen.
	You need someone that's like, hey, what you're doing here is great.
	What you're doing here is not so great.
	You need that.
	I know, but that's never going to happen.
	Let's be realistic.
	There's not a man on Earth that can handle this.
	They can't.
	They can't.
	Because it's just too much information coming at them.
	There are people that go to war and have PTSD and they can handle you.
	There's someone out there, believe me.
	Maybe an ex-Navy SEAL or one of them types.
	Yeah, maybe an animal trainer.
	Okay, I'm not you.
	I don't know, but I love it.
	Listen, you're a celebrity, so that's harder.
	I know because it's nothing but, you know, they don't even know, they don't even see me.
	They just see a glamorous sex object.
	They don't even see me.
	You definitely need, like Uncle Ben, your brother, said something to me on that gay cruise.
	Uncle Ben.
	One of the most fascinating things I've ever heard, and then we'll wrap up on this, or I'll wrap up on this.
	Him and John have been together 30, 40 years.
	And I said to him, I said, what is your secret?
	My gay siblings both have been married for 35...
	Longer than you.
	Yeah, and I've been married 9, 10 times.
	9 or 10 times.
	But I asked him, what's the secret?
	One thing was...
	Communication.
	No, they're not monogamous.
	Oh, that's right.
	Well, that made me sick.
	They can fuck whoever they want.
	So I was like, well, that's not fair.
	Not anymore.
	Yeah.
	They were on the gay cruise.
	What do you think they were doing on the gay cruise?
	The second thing, which was the more important, is he said to me, he said the real secret, because that sex stuff fades, but the real secret, it's the most romantic thing, I'm going to tear up.
	He said interlocking pathologies.
	You want where you're fucked up to lock with someone else where they're fucked up.
	And as long as it's interlocking, you don't have the same fucked up thing where you're strong and they're weak.
	But you're both fucked up because you can't get through life alone.
	Nobody gets through life undamaged.
	Find someone that's pathology interlocks.
	I am preferring, because this is the first time in my life where I've ever...
	Been alone.
	Yes, that's true.
	I raised my mom's kids.
	I was always a mom.
	And you leapfrogged from one husband to another.
	I like being alone and I like judging people and making fun of them.
	You're right.
	I don't need nobody except for companionship.
	She doesn't need it.
	She's right.
	I have a lot of comedian friends and stuff.
	I don't need...
	Somebody does snore.
	She's right.
	She can be alone.
	But what have you got with a companion that was fun and didn't snore and protected you?
	He'd want me to meet his friends and they would all be boring.
	I'm sure the person that you met wouldn't be boring.
	Well, if there is a man out there who equals me in...
	Is everyone listening tonight?
	If there is a man out there who equals me in wealth and charisma...
	And even, you know, goes above...
	Comedy.
	Yeah, and goes above and beyond, you know, everything that I got.
	And I don't need a man, but if there is somebody who...
	Gets it.
	And I have to say again, gotta be richer than me.
	Okay?
	That's number one.
	That's tough.
	I know.
	Yeah, that's tough.
	That's a tough one.
	No.
	No.
	He has money.
	Can he have money?
	Yeah, what if he's independently wealthy but not at your level?
	Yeah, he doesn't...
	Don't put...
	Tell God this is what you want, because that's what I do.
	You want a guy who doesn't need your money.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I want a guy who doesn't need or want my money.
	He's got his own money.
	Independently wealthy.
	He's got his own...
	And his independence.
	He's independent.
	But it's so fascinating by how fucking cool I am and sees it and goes, Oh my God, you...
	Are the coolest, bitch.
	There's nobody fucking...
	Because I'm the hoochie-coochie gal.
	Everybody knows I'm her.
	But there isn't that guy, unless it was like if Moses came back down.
	Moses would really love me because he loved his wife Sephora, who was the daughter of Jethro, which we say in Hebrew, Yitro.
	That's what Sephora is named after.
	Sephora is named after Sephora?
	Yeah.
	Oh my God, I love her already.
	And she really guided Moses, which, so I would guide Moses in that same way.
	So if Moses' incarnation is back, that would be a powerful man with a wide reach to, you know, bring the kingdom of God to this realm.
	Yeah.
	Well, here I am, bitches.
	I just saw that.
	I just saw that.
	Hey, you know, Moses, speaking of that story you told earlier, Shannon, Moses...
	He's familiar with the burning bush.
	Ba-dum-boom, Sean!
	Yeah, baby!
	Remember she called Sleep with a Vibrator and burned her bush?
	Get it?
	All right, wrap it up, Mom.
	Jake, that was fast.
	I loved it.
	I'm very proud of you, son.
	Thank you.
	I love you, too, and I'm proud of you.
	You know, I feel so good because I'm on the fucking beam.
	You already did that.
	We're done.
	Wrap it up.
	You went back to the teleprime.
	We're good.
	I know, but I do want to say this.
	Here's how we'll end it.
	I knew it was a joke.
	Shannon, I love you so much, honey.
	I love you more.
	And I am so happy for you that you got your perfect man.
	I know how hard it was for you.
	50 years.
	50 years and you were searching.
	Yeah.
	I told God what I wanted to find my soulmate.
	That's why I said, be clear to what you tell God.
	What did you tell God?
	I said, I wrote it down.
	What did you say?
	All I kept saying is, dear God, I want to meet my soulmate.
	Everyone I know wrote it down.
	We tell people all the time, write it down.
	Write it down.
	It's manifestation.
	Give me that pen and paper.
	You have to be really, really explicit, and you don't have to do it now.
	Think about it.
	I don't need to think about it.
	Terminally ill.
	No.
	You want a fun companion.
	I want somebody who loves to have fun.
	Just loves to have fun.
	I want a male Shannon.
	Not really.
	No, because you're irritated.
	No, I take good care of you.
	I know you do, honey, but listen.
	I want a man...
	Who can be the leader?
	Who can be the moral leader of me?
	And you know there's none.
	Well, you hate making decisions.
	You hate figuring shit out.
	I want a man.
	You need a leader.
	Amen.
	And a companion.
	Who can lead me.
	And he's funny.
	Who can lead me to what I want him to lead me to.
	Sustenance and happiness.
	Happiness and protection.
	Emotional contentment.
	Emotional contentment.
	That's really good.
	That's really good, Jake.
	Unconditional love.
	Yeah.
	Support.
	Do I have to give that, though?
	No, I'm kidding.
	No, actually, no.
	Because no, you don't.
	Because it's unconditional love.
	You can be a total asshole.
	He'll still love you.
	Oh, yeah.
	Good.
	That's why it's unconditional.
	But you need to be loving.
	I need to be admired and cherished.
	You are very loving.
	She just wants an admirer.
	I just want somebody to admire and cherish and be fascinated by me.
	She wants a fan.
	I think I have all the shit required for that.
	I do.
	But there's just no appreciators.
	No, there are.
	They are out there.
	You're a fascinating person.
	Stop saying that.
	Of course they have to be a Jew.
	I don't care.
	No, they don't.
	Yes, they do.
	They do.
	And I don't care the racial characteristics.
	Jew or a religious Christian that likes Jews.
	I think they have to be a Jew.
	And I'll tell you why.
	She's never been with a Jew.
	I have been with a Jew.
	Who?
	But he was a drug addict and that ruined my life.
	Move on.
	But you've never been married to a Jew.
	No, I haven't been married to a Jew.
	Do we know this person?
	No, you don't.
	Uh-uh.
	I don't know.
	Okay, maybe it doesn't have to be a Jew.
	I've only dated one Jew.
	I've been with black people.
	I've been with Chinese men.
	I've been with a lot of men.
	Chinese.
	Are they little?
	Is it true?
	Is it true what they say?
	Not necessarily.
	I'm not a size queen such as some people in this room.
	I've seen some Chinese porn where the guy has a big one, so I don't think it matters.
	That's very worldly of you.
	It really doesn't matter, but I know it does to you.
	But like it doesn't in the real world.
	Well, remember.
	I love how you...
	I'd rather not.
	You're on camera, so when you go...
	Everyone can see you're talking to Tom.
	Oh, I thought we were done.
	No, Tom has a tiny penis.
	Everyone knows it's documented.
	Well, even he says it.
	Yeah, he finally came out with it.
	Like, he's almost about an L. Ew.
	It doesn't matter what size a guy's penis is.
	If he's a rich guy, it doesn't really matter.
	All right, we have to wrap up.
	Because you have to go.
	Your car's going to be here in 30 minutes.
	Huh?
	You're going to a comedy store.
	What the fuck?
	30 minutes?
	Yep, let's wrap it up.
	I'm not looking at that camera.
	Wrap it up.
	Wrap it up, bitch.
	How am I going to wrap this up?
	Well, remember to laugh.
	Hey, if you're a fucking sourpuss that's got nothing to laugh at, you know, fuck off.
	Laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh.
	Nothing's too serious.
	Be nice.
	Laugh all you can.
	Believe in God.
	Believe in God, absolutely.
	And take, you know, look into taking the hers so you can lose a ton of weight for your next project.
	That's right.
	Okay, see ya.

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