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April 27, 2024 - The Roseanne Barr Podcast

02:32:10

Nightcap at the Plaza with Tyler Fischer | The Roseanne Barr Podcast #45

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	Greetings, Earthlings and humans.
	We got a b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-banger!
	Haha, Michelle!
	Today I'm so excited because we have a d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-fucking genius on here!
	I thought you were gonna say Jew!
	I know... What?
	I thought... You thought I was gonna say Jew?
	Can you do it again with Jew?
	D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-Jew?
	["So you seeeeeed my patience is growing heavy..." by Michael Jackson and the Bloodthirsty Blues plays in the
	background.]
	I love you.
	Oh my god.
	I'm so glad you're here.
	I have to do the Macaulay Culkin.
	She interrupts a lot.
	Cause we're in a fucking plaza right now.
	Yeah, no, absolutely.
	Well, I don't know if the FBI is after you or whatever.
	We'll be gone by the time this airs.
	We'll be out.
	This is where Trump met Kevin McAllister, right?
	This is where Trump met Kevin McAllister.
	And this was one of my favorite movies.
	You were one of my favorite shows.
	So coming here was fucking mind blowing.
	And you had to go through the migrant crisis to get here, didn't you?
	Oh, I had to go through like a migrant, Palestinian, you know, BLM fucking climate change.
	Someone had to throw Greta Thunberg over the Queensborough Bridge to get here, yeah.
	What actually happened?
	Were they really shutting down traffic for protests?
	They shut down all of Second Avenue, so I figured...
	Some kind of bullshit, some kind of protest.
	Did they say what it was?
	Did they just shut it down?
	No, they don't have to tell you anymore.
	That's what COVID did, right?
	It was like, we don't have to tell you anymore.
	Yeah.
	We can take everything away.
	Yeah.
	So just a little, one of the avenues in the biggest city in the world closed down.
	No big deal.
	And don't you dare question.
	Nobody can question.
	Convictions!
	You have convictions!
	Yeah.
	Well, our mayor is, um, You know, it's great we have a black mayor, but did you know I got in trouble for doing an impression of him?
	No, you did?
	Yeah, I got kicked out of a comedy club for doing an impression of Eric Adams.
	Why?
	Because it was too good?
	Well, no, apparently nowadays a straight white guy can't do an impression of a mentally retarded person.
	You were going to say I'm a gay guy.
	The gay retard.
	I'm going to change the joke.
	Thank you.
	Thank you.
	Did you really get kicked out of a comic book?
	Really?
	No, it was all for the joke.
	What's it like to do stand-up in Manhattan?
	This is what I've wanted to ask you for years.
	I've been trying to get you on this podcast for years.
	Can we talk about how we all met?
	Yeah, sure.
	Because it has to do with that.
	I don't even know when we met.
	I figured you wouldn't remember.
	I don't know if we met.
	I told Jake, did I meet him before?
	You did.
	And Jake said, yeah, remember when we were in the street that time you were really drunk?
	Yeah.
	Which is always.
	But I didn't really... Yeah, just the best night of my life.
	Yeah, she doesn't remember.
	No, I do remember.
	It was just another night in the alleyway.
	Jake, what was it that made you remember?
	Well, so here's what happened.
	We went out with Ryan Long.
	Because we love Ryan.
	You went to the comedy show.
	We went to the comedy cellar, and there's one across the street, too.
	Whatever, those two on the corner.
	One time I lectured on Kabbalah in the one.
	Yeah.
	But anyway, we went and did comedy.
	You fell asleep in the floor.
	We were in the lounge.
	Yeah, she fell asleep.
	I have a video of it, and Ryan's like, this is a lot of fun.
	And then I pan over, and mom's sleeping.
	Andrew, what's his name?
	Schultz?
	Schultz was there.
	Oh yeah, I met him that night.
	You were asleep.
	What a lineup that was.
	Please go show respect to my mother.
	He's like, okay.
	And then he went over to you and you were sleeping.
	So he gave you like a fist bump.
	But anyway, we went in and you fucking murdered.
	Well, I didn't know you were there.
	It was coming down off the walls like in a church.
	I just... I said this is like an evangelical church where the praise is coming down off the walls for this man.
	I had just gotten in that club.
	It took me 15 years.
	Oh my God.
	And they passed on me a few times so I let go of it because that's what I do in life if I don't get something.
	I did a whole meditation and I let go of the Comedy Cellar because it's...
	It's like Beyonce.
	It's like the hot chick of comedy in New York.
	I couldn't even walk by it.
	Oh my God.
	I started going a different way.
	I go, I'm not walking by anymore.
	Then the pandemic hits and you know, I can't perform anyways cause I didn't get the vaccine because my pediatrician said I was too tiny.
	But uh, so then I just get in and it hasn't even hit me that I'm in the comedy cellar yet.
	Cause I had been going there for 15 years and I'd stand in the back and I'd see Let's see, Gary Goldman or God.
	I go, can you take me down?
	And I would sit in the back and just touch myself, basically.
	So then I walk in and I hear, ha!
	Ha!
	And I go, that's either Nelson from The Simpsons...
	Or Lizzo being stabbed.
	Or God damn it, that's Roseanne Barr.
	And someone goes, Roseanne's up there.
	And I looked in the balcony and I nearly... And so I was so new there that I was afraid to really do the jokes that I do.
	And because you were there, I go, I'm doing the set that I do when I'm not here.
	And I did it.
	And then you were, at some points, were the only one laughing.
	Yeah, this is brilliant.
	It was like...
	That probably helped me, because after that night, I was like, no, this is what I should be doing all the time.
	I can't be afraid to... So 10% everything.
	Well, that's awesome to hear.
	Yeah, I was like, this motherfucker is not pandering for laughs, because I had been hearing that for so long.
	It was a depressing thing, you know, like, why are they pandering?
	Oh, you know, Hollywood makes you get on your knees and pander.
	Yeah.
	But I was like, look at him.
	You know that more than anybody.
	I know, you know.
	I can't believe what I lived through.
	I can't either.
	When I look back on it, now that I'm out of the spell of it, I didn't figure out then how evil they were.
	And I kept thinking, well, you know... You were so young.
	How old were you when you just started in Hollywood?
	34.
	Oh, damn.
	Okay.
	And I had four kids.
	Wow.
	But I couldn't believe it.
	All that time where I was working in it, I suspected, you know?
	But when I made my comeback, and then I seen what was going on- Making comedy great again, Rosianne is making comedy great again.
	Ooh, and they didn't like it.
	No.
	I was like, 28 million?!
	They made you more powerful.
	They did.
	It's like Obi-Wan.
	I always told her, if you're a Star Wars fan, I don't know if you are.
	You're probably not.
	Yeah, I'm a little bit.
	Isn't it freaky though?
	If they strike you down, you come back more powerful.
	And then look at all these people connect.
	The fact that I'm even here with you is so, it really is bizarre.
	It is all bizarre.
	Because this happened organically, and right before I met you guys, I was home.
	I mean, I did.
	I lost my job because I didn't get the COVID shot.
	I got fired from my agent for being white, for the crime of being white, which they told me over email.
	They told you it's because you're white that we're dumping you off?
	And I quit for three years because I was like, this was one of the biggest agents in the world.
	That brought me in and was like, why aren't you on SNL?
	Why aren't you this?
	You're a young person.
	You're like, this is it.
	You live off of hope.
	Yeah.
	And then I quit for three years and then I literally was unemployed, living off the government, running an Airbnb in my house.
	Did you leave when people rented or were you in there with the guests?
	I was in there.
	Oof.
	Yeah.
	Roasting my own coffee.
	Couldn't afford to buy coffees.
	Roasting my own coffee.
	And then I saw you.
	On TV.
	Where was you living then?
	I was in Brooklyn.
	I've been here 14 years.
	Oh, in Brooklyn.
	Okay.
	Yeah.
	Then you saw me on TV.
	Well, I saw what was happening with you.
	Oh, yeah.
	Okay.
	And this is when I started to de-woke myself.
	Are you kidding me?
	And then I was like... I never heard this.
	Oh, yeah.
	I was woke as... I was brainwashed.
	I mean, you mean seeing what happened to me was unwoken you?
	It helped.
	It was all... Oh, my God.
	It was you.
	I saw Gina Carano.
	Yeah, Gina Carano too.
	And then next thing you know, I'm in a movie with her.
	And then I'm meeting you, and it's like, all of it was organic.
	Yeah.
	Well, it's like a magnet intelligence.
	Yeah.
	It all draws together, you know?
	Right.
	Like attracts like.
	Yeah.
	So that's what's happening is, hopefully, intelligence attracts intelligence of the same sort.
	Yeah.
	And we are the funny sort, because we writers and people who make things funny, we are a peculiar sort that puts weird, severed parts together.
	We put the things together that other people don't see and they definitely don't put them together like that.
	Yeah, you're like, I could take that ear and make a vagina.
	I could take that baby's arm and put it like, yeah, you're just building this And I think it's because we can't, the jokes keep coming, so it's a currency that doesn't stop.
	Oh, I love that you said that.
	Oh my God, how much are we talking about?
	Because I'm not, I'm barely functional, human.
	I know!
	But I can just keep the jokes going.
	Someone said, I think it was Michael Malice said about Mara.
	Michael Malice said, he goes, your funny is pathological.
	It's pathological.
	He goes, you can't not do it.
	Who's the woman from Arrested Development, the mom?
	Got it.
	Lucille, her name is?
	The real actress?
	Yeah, I guess they were that one.
	Lucille.
	Yeah.
	I can't remember.
	You look like Lucille from Arrested Development if she fucked Guy Fieri.
	I can't remember any of those people.
	You're turning into female Trump with the hair.
	Don't make fun of the hair.
	I love it!
	No, no, no.
	I love it!
	Don't make me go into my hair!
	I love the hair.
	I love the hair, Roseanne.
	I love the hair.
	You stepped into it.
	She's doing great things with the hair.
	Look at the hair.
	The hair was three hours a day of mourning.
	She met me once at a rally and she said, give me the Trump.
	She said, give me the Trump hair.
	We're making hair so great, Roseanne.
	Think of it.
	I was watching that Trump rally when he called you out.
	Really?
	I'd be home secretly watching Trump rallies.
	I was totally...
	Really?
	Oh, yeah.
	You're like a...
	Oh, I went to the woods to transition.
	I went to Maine to a cabin and I slowly start...
	I was like, I put on a Trump rally for five minutes and I'd be like...
	And then you go, I can't take anymore.
	She's pretty good.
	And then I would, I would go, I was transitioning.
	And then I would do Biden and Trump.
	Did it hurt in your mind?
	Yeah, because I couldn't tell anybody.
	That's what I want to, can I ask you, cause you've lived in Manhattan for 14 years.
	I've lived in Brooklyn for 14 years.
	So you were becoming pro-Trump during COVID.
	It wasn't, I don't even know if it was pro-Trump.
	It was awakening, watching what was happening to me.
	It was like pro, I will now listen to Trump.
	Right.
	Like that was just... That's a hard move.
	Well, that's where I'm at.
	We were Bernie bros.
	She ran as president in 2012 as a socialist.
	Yeah.
	I was pure socialist.
	For the Green Party.
	And I was a Democrat till 2006.
	Sounds like Mr. Magoo's having a seizure.
	That's Bernie, yeah.
	Yeah, but anyway, you started to kind of wake up in, like we were kind of like, Because of my mother's position and I'm a trust fund kid.
	Like, we were in a bubble.
	Like, we didn't have to... You were in a golden chair!
	I know, look at me.
	But we didn't, we didn't like talk to people.
	So for us, it was like an easy transition because we didn't have friends to begin with.
	But I can imagine being a stand up comic in fucking Manhattan.
	And starting to wake up.
	That must have been horrible.
	I never thought of the benefit of not having friends to begin with.
	I'm a little jealous.
	I lost almost everyone.
	Be quiet.
	I love when Jake talks.
	I don't like it when Jake talks.
	In the beginning, you didn't talk much.
	Remember, I was like, great job.
	I was texting him.
	When you start, I go, great job.
	You're talking a little more.
	Everyone's like, talk more.
	And I was like, my mom will kill me.
	See, look how mad she is.
	First you made fun of the hair, and now you're telling her to let me talk.
	You're just, you're stepping in.
	Oh, I didn't make fun of the hair.
	Okay, you ask him this.
	I just want to know.
	I want to know the first time you went on stage.
	Go ahead, ask him that.
	Well, let me just ask this first, and then get into it.
	But like, he's transitioning to, I don't want to say pro-Trump, just not being a retard.
	Yeah, I'm Manhattan.
	De-retarding.
	You were de-retarding.
	Retardation.
	But everyone around you here is a retard.
	Well, can we call it MK Ultra Government Mind Control, or some sort of a program thing that you felt breaking?
	Did you feel some sort of an imposed thought structure breaking?
	Well, it was chlamydia, come to find out.
	I just had chlamydia, and I didn't have sex.
	So first of all, how can you get chlamydia without having sex?
	Toilets?
	Because girls will... I sent you the text.
	Girls will break up with me when they start watching my stuff.
	It's amazing, mom.
	Can you read it to my mom?
	And by the way... It's amazing.
	I'm very... I like to meet women in the wild, you know?
	Off the dating apps.
	In the wild.
	In the wild.
	Just out on the street.
	Oh, no.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	He's an old school hooker.
	Now you have to put your height on Tinder.
	This is true.
	I used to go on four dates a week on them, and now I get none.
	Yeah.
	Because women can put a height requirement on there.
	How tall are you?
	Well, I had to change my height to millimeters to trick them.
	I'm 5'5".
	Yeah.
	That's not that short.
	My dad was 5'6".
	Man, you don't know what's going on.
	Right now, six feet tall is a minimum for the majority of women in this city.
	And I'm not fucking kidding.
	No, he's right.
	Why are they really tall too?
	No, no.
	And they're all 250 fucking pounds.
	Yeah!
	Which is amazing.
	Look at this!
	Is that true?
	Look at this!
	And they're being picky?
	Yeah.
	Look at this.
	I know it is all fat bitches like, what's her name, Lizzo, stealing my act and being picky.
	Like going, hey, you can't have any of this.
	Bitch, nobody wants any of that, okay?
	You're in a delusional fucking world.
	They're all like that.
	I can't imagine.
	The only reason anybody likes anything to do with it is because you will bend over and let them do whatever they and their ten friends want to do.
	It's true.
	You better shut your mouth.
	You got no self-respect.
	Kiss my ass.
	You better listen to the shit me, your granny, is telling you or at your own peril you will ignore me and you're gonna go straight to hell and burn there in a lake of fire for time and all of eternity.
	All right, sure.
	We go to these commercial messages.
	No, I want you to read this out loud.
	You got to move the mic back and forth for me.
	Okay.
	No, it's hilarious.
	Make it bigger print.
	This is real.
	He sent this to me earlier.
	This is the first message a woman sent to me.
	So she's the white and on the yellow.
	This is not uncommon.
	This is on Bumble, by the way.
	She says what?
	She says, I'm five.
	No, no, no.
	You just have to read it to her.
	Read the top one.
	I don't know how to do any of this.
	This is amazing.
	Read the top one.
	I do a podcast.
	Okay, how tall are you?
	That's her first opening line to me.
	Isn't that horrible?
	How tall are you?
	And then I wrote...
	How much do you weigh?
	Did she ever call you back?
	Here's what she comes back.
	Here's what she comes back with.
	I'm 5'5", but weighing 215.
	215 pounds.
	I'm trying to lose weight.
	Here's what she comes back.
	Here's what she comes back with.
	I am five foot five, but weighing 215.
	215 pounds.
	I'm trying to lose weight.
	I don't look too fat, but I do want to lose 50 pounds.
	So she wants to get from 215 down 50, putting her like at one of Lizzo's legs at that point.
	She usually is about 100 foot height, let's be real.
	Lizzo's pinky.
	Her pinky nail.
	175 pounds.
	Oh, the fat joke.
	Everyone loves fat jokes.
	This could bring the world together.
	I started doing Lizzo jokes because I saw you do them.
	Because this could bring the world together.
	Fat jokes.
	They will bring the world together.
	I always say, fat people and short people are in the same boat and it doesn't sink because we balance out the weight.
	That's right, people!
	Damn, that's brilliant!
	And then I wrote back and I said, uh oh, it went away.
	Well, I basically said, I said, okay, I'm 5'5".
	I said, do you have a height requirement?
	And then she never deleted me.
	Disgusting.
	And this is so common.
	Well, you wouldn't look good with someone your same height, weighing 215.
	No.
	That would look like the number 10 going down the street.
	I'd be like a little baby bird kissing the mom.
	She'd be spitting food in my mouth.
	Well, I don't have a height thing.
	I've dated women that were six feet tall before.
	Really?
	And if they don't care, that's even hotter than me.
	Well, they were convicted pedophiles.
	They saw me from the back and thought I was 12.
	That's one of my favorite jokes you do.
	Did you see that with that page?
	Doing that in the Congressional Senate?
	Oh, the page that was having sex?
	Yeah, in the Senate.
	Or was it the Congress?
	Yeah, one of them.
	That's what you voted for.
	Those are the people telling us we're offensive.
	Yeah, exactly.
	Yeah, they're literally taking it up the ass.
	I can't believe, sorry, I can't believe.
	So, you're thinking of leaving Manhattan, right?
	I, on my way here, put in an offer to rent a house in Austin.
	You have to.
	Come to Austin.
	You gotta come to Austin.
	It's just, yeah, another... Remember that show, that song?
	Please come to Austin!
	But keep the Jews away!
	Oh, different song.
	That's all right.
	Different song.
	Can you get the mic closer to your mouth, Ma?
	You're leaning out.
	What?
	Put the mic a little closer.
	Yes, I have to.
	I want to rag on New York.
	That's what I'm trying to do.
	You do.
	You need to go down there.
	Everyone down there is going to love you so much.
	I'm going to die here.
	I'm actually dying.
	It's horrible.
	I feel it.
	What happened?
	Because I used to love New York.
	Why?
	Just because there's no feeling of life, liberty, or art?
	It's that.
	It's like, I do want a wife and a family.
	I date girls, and they're so brainwashed from wokeism and the internet and Instagram.
	You're alone here.
	It's like, I worked 20 years to be able to sit on this couch with you, right?
	How old are you?
	These girls can just walk out of the house with tits and put them on the internet, and they put themselves at the same level of either fame or work or whatever, and so you don't... I go and kill at the cellar!
	Murder!
	And then women will walk out and be like, yeah, I don't know, I guess I'll, you know, maybe I'll follow you online or...
	That was okay.
	That hurts.
	Well, it's, you know, it's fine.
	I mean, that was my mom that said that, but... She's... Oh!
	It always is your mom that says that, ain't it?
	That's what my mom goes, oh, I didn't even know you were back to doing comedy.
	It broke my heart.
	I don't tell my family shit anymore.
	I don't tell them anyway.
	You can't tell anybody.
	They're awful people.
	You can't tell anybody.
	They're the ones that made us into comics, which all comes from pain of rejection.
	Am I right?
	Well, I owe them a fat check for that.
	Yeah, my dad came out, left our family.
	He came out of the closet when I was seven.
	I didn't know this.
	Are you shitting me?
	How many kids?
	He came out as racist.
	No, he's gay.
	He's gay.
	Is he really?
	Yeah.
	You were seven?
	How many kids were there?
	I was seven.
	Three.
	Was he gay before you were born?
	Were you oldest?
	You're always gay, man.
	I believe a lot of this new shit, like most of it, you know, is socialized.
	I've talked to a lot of gay people.
	They know when they're 3, 4, 5.
	There's a percentage.
	Some of them.
	It's a small percentage, though.
	But there is, I think.
	Like actual gay and trans, that's 1%.
	Some do.
	It's all over.
	Some do when they're real little.
	Some do when they're real old.
	Of course.
	I'm just saying.
	I want to get back to when gay people were like 1%.
	But I want to hear this.
	Were you the oldest or the middle?
	I was the youngest at 7.
	So, I didn't, well he came out as bisexual first.
	Did he tell his kids that?
	Well, he told my wife.
	Well, I became her fucking husband after that.
	Did he leave the family?
	Huh?
	Yeah, yeah.
	And then I became the, well you know that whole, I'm sexually attracted to my mom, only when I'm high, which is called Edible complex.
	I don't think I get that.
	That's a pretty good joke, too.
	I don't know if I get it.
	You know the eatable complex?
	Edible.
	The Oedipus complex.
	Oedipus, but edible.
	Edible is, you know.
	But you really became your mother's husband.
	Yeah, oh yeah.
	Well, that's what happens to the youngest boy.
	It's covert incest.
	Listen, this is what happens to the youngest son in all families where that happens.
	It's part of the dysfunction.
	Are you the youngest?
	I'm the oldest son, but I feel like I'm your husband, so maybe it's the oldest son.
	Well, your younger brother feels like he's my husband, too.
	That's a weird fucking thing to say.
	Because I'm a bigamist.
	Do you really?
	I'm an incestuous bigamist.
	I mean, no, all joking aside, I basically work for her and live with her.
	So when one person asked me, like, what do you do for your mom?
	Do we go to the agent?
	I was like, basically, I'm her husband.
	Like, that's what I am right now.
	I didn't know he was telling people that.
	But that's what it is.
	You crazy fucking neurotic bastard.
	You know what?
	Jordan Peterson's at the Beacon.
	We should bring him in here and do a little test.
	He's coming, he's coming.
	You know, well, it's like, well, you wanna fuck your mom.
	It's like Carl Junghorn to boot that, you know.
	It's like, you rescue your father from the belly of the whale, and then you fuck your mom.
	And then you clean your room.
	In that order.
	It's like, well, you think it's comical.
	It's like, mm.
	What do you think of him?
	He's a little odd.
	He changed my life.
	He's the reason I'm sitting here right now.
	Really?
	How come?
	Why?
	I could give you exactly how.
	Give me a good sentence.
	You're a great writer.
	Give me it in a sentence.
	He taught me to tell the truth.
	Inspired me to tell the truth.
	And he said, if you tell the truth, you'll have the adventure of your life.
	And that's true.
	Because it was like, when you're getting the vaccine, oh, I'm not getting it.
	What do you mean you're not getting it?
	Do the right thing.
	Well, it's not for me.
	And then my employer, you know, the comedy club, they said, show me your papers.
	Yeah.
	And I said, I can't.
	And then they said, okay, you're gone.
	Comedy club?
	Oh yeah.
	Oh my God.
	Every club here.
	Every club here.
	Every club in New York?
	Every club.
	You had to be vaccinated here, man.
	And if you keep doing that.
	Oh my God.
	You keep telling the truth, like.
	Comedy club?
	You end up in the goddamn Plaza Hotel with Roseanne Barr.
	Yeah.
	Shoving fruit in your ass.
	Yeah.
	You didn't shove it in your ass.
	I came with it like that.
	No, but for real, you had to, during COVID, I remember, because I followed him.
	Oh, they was just trying to, they were just trying to shut us the fuck up.
	They had a vax bouncer.
	Yes.
	They was lying to us the whole time.
	At every bar, every cafe.
	Is that true?
	A bouncer?
	Was a little vax, I gotta make a movie about that.
	Yeah.
	With their mask on, the sanitary shit.
	And then they would go, papers please.
	And everyone would go, yes, okay, sure.
	Fucking ridiculous.
	And they did it.
	They did it without feeling ashamed.
	They don't want us to remember what happened, now their war is on our memory.
	That's all I'll say.
	Because you know they're going to come after me and try to shut me down, not give me no money on YouTube.
	Of course.
	But you know what?
	God is going to shut you down.
	Well, Ma, you know, bird flu's coming, we're all going to die.
	Oh yeah, sorry.
	That's okay.
	I like your glasses.
	I like those glasses.
	We got those at Byrdorf.
	And the bow.
	It was a very triggering visit to Bergdorf.
	We'll talk about that next week.
	I don't know if you know you're trending again.
	Oh, I am.
	I'm trending.
	Well, I had terrible memories of what happened to me there, Joe Biden.
	My unfortunate problem with Joe Biden there 26 years ago, but it was the You know, real Joe Biden before he was executed at Gitmo.
	Not this Joe Biden.
	Let's be very clear then, because this Joe Biden is innocent.
	Not this Joe Biden, not the clone.
	The original dead Joe Biden that the JAG Executed that.
	I read it!
	It's got to be true if you read it on the internet.
	Well, I just want to say with the president being a clone and bird flu being gain-of-function research till we're all dead, we do want to talk about the importance of buying gold and silver.
	We've been doing this since the beginning.
	We've taken a little bit of a break, but rblikesgold.com.
	Go there now.
	You can buy individual silver and gold pieces.
	You can get an IRA, K, you can do it all.
	We've got a landing page.
	We're really going to push it now because this is not about making money.
	This is about protecting what you have.
	This is about what you have because you don't want to end up with just useless money like in Germany when they had to take a wheelbarrow down to the store and pay for money to buy a loaf of bread.
	You want real value and that's real things like gold and silver.
	Of course, don't take everything you've got, but, you know, really look into it.
	And this company will help you look into it, right?
	Yeah, or take everything you've got, because that's better commission for us.
	Whatever you want, no pressure.
	But anyway, RB Life School... A better step at a time.
	Educate yourself.
	Yeah.
	You know, don't do anything rash, but we're doing it too.
	So, you know, that's what everybody suggests, that we really, you know, put your money into real things rather than paper money, which is worthless.
	And it's on its way down.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	Well said.
	Well, mom, you know, there's a silent epidemic affecting over 100 million Americans.
	That is fatty liver.
	We talk about it quite a bit because we always joke that your fatty liver needed its stomach stapled.
	My favorite.
	We did that last week.
	But anyway, it is a serious problem.
	Fatty liver.
	It messes with your sleep.
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	That's what I'm telling you.
	A better lesson.
	Anyway, so what was your... Well, Jordan primed me.
	If I had not discovered him, because it took me five years of listening to him, to really start implementing that stuff.
	So I was just perfectly primed for it when shit hit the fan.
	And if it was a year or two less, I don't know if I would have had the balls to.
	Are you talking about telling the truth?
	I'm living the truth.
	Well, I saw him stand up to what was called Bill C-16 in Canada about compelling speech, which has never happened in the history of this fucking world.
	Maybe in Palestine, perhaps, with all the gay Palestinians.
	I don't know what, you know.
	Better left.
	They're chanting from the river to the seamen over there.
	What is a gay Palestinian protest?
	So, you know, I saw him just stand up to that.
	And if you haven't watched it, He's in Congress in Canada, explaining why you can't do it.
	And you really understand human nature, because even the Congress people, which aren't, you know, they're still smart.
	It's still not easy to, like, win an election.
	No.
	Like, go be the mayor of your town.
	Well, you could be Mayor Adam.
	You know, that's not very hard for the New York mayor to win.
	But to see him, you actually cut that part, you see him, Stay so firm and have people going, well, just say their pronouns.
	Just say they're this.
	And he's like, you don't understand.
	If you force someone to say something, it's going to spiral out of control.
	And everything he said came true.
	And so I just applied that, that amount of like, you know, whatever it was, fortitude or Courage or whatever it is, where you go like, it's really hard.
	You have to stay so firm because people keep coming.
	Oh, some of those videos, he's surrounded by trans activists on college campuses.
	And this was before them physically attacking us was the norm.
	I remember the early days when we're like, are they going to go crazy?
	But he would come out and he would stay very, he would speak very calmly and logically with them.
	And he would dispel hate, dispel hate.
	Yeah.
	And they kept trying to amp it up in every possible way.
	And labeled him a transphobe, which he's not.
	That's not.
	And I love how he says, you know, if he met somebody in his class that said, I'm trans, he would take in the information and make his own educated guess on whether or not he was going to go along with someone who really was, or a narcissist who's seeking attention.
	And not only that, but saying, I'll accept responsibility if I'm incorrect.
	And I've just like never heard anyone say that before.
	No.
	So... He knows it's an ideological war.
	Yeah.
	He knows it all the way down to a certain level, but then I think that he... I don't mean to say anything negative about him, because I really want to discuss with him.
	Yeah, but you can too, and that's another thing.
	I think he's got a couple steps more that I could help him with.
	Because I like to help thinkers.
	Have you ever talked to him on a podcast?
	He's coming on.
	It's the end of this month.
	We've been trying for a long time.
	It's like, well, we have him on now.
	Do a little deep fake, you know?
	Save you a couple thousand dollars.
	She's going to do his show.
	I was going to do something with him, but they wanted me to play a pig.
	And I'm like, oh my God, I can't play a pig.
	I'm a Jew.
	And my son was like, mother, you're being ridiculous.
	I'm like, I can't play a pig in a cartoon.
	I'm still mad at her.
	Do you want to hear the story?
	He's still mad at me.
	I'm not going to play a pig in a cartoon because I'm a Jew.
	Oh, in a cartoon?
	No, no.
	She wasn't playing a pig.
	Jordan Peterson did a music video.
	I'm not going to have all the Jews coming after me because I play a pig.
	You know what I mean?
	Here's what happened, just real quick, because I want to get this out.
	Well, you can rescue your father from the belly of the pig.
	He did a music video.
	I'm sure you've seen it.
	It was a huge hit.
	But he did his own music video.
	And in it, he also is wearing a pig's mask because he's playing another character as himself.
	I never saw that.
	It didn't do that well.
	But Dave Rubin's in it.
	A lot of Michael Malice, a lot of our friends are in it.
	So they asked mom to do a cameo on Zoom.
	And they said, you'll replace this one scene where he's playing a pig.
	And she said, I can't be in video with the pig because I'm a Jew, and cancel it the day we are recording.
	So I had to call and be like, sorry, we're not doing it because he's a pig.
	I can't play a pig, I'm a Jew.
	But I'm respectful of her.
	That makes sense, right?
	Yeah, Lizzo wasn't available?
	I don't think it was a fat joke.
	Maybe it was a fat joke.
	I should have looked at it as a fat joke.
	I looked at it as an anti-Semite joke.
	I should have looked at it as a fat joke.
	Maybe that's good.
	Oh, I was totally off the mark there.
	It doesn't matter.
	You didn't have to do it.
	How old are you? 37.
	He's younger than all my kids except one.
	Yeah, he's 10 years younger than me.
	All of these intellects are doing music, like Ben Shapiro had like the number one rap thing.
	Yeah, with Tom McDonald.
	Tom McDonald, you can rag on him, but he's our friend.
	He's amazing.
	We love him.
	He's amazing.
	By the way, this episode is brought to you by ExpressVPN.
	Protect your online data for 15% off use code ROSANNEISAFATBITCH for 10% off.
	He was not Anybody who ever, who defended me when they came after my giraffe.
	He did a little.
	After.
	He did a little bit.
	He's like, well, they're right.
	You know, every, oh my God, I lived through a witch burning.
	We all did.
	But yours was way worse.
	But no, Shapiro.
	Maybe he sent you a helium sleep mattress.
	This episode is brought to you by Helium Mattress.
	Use code ROSANNE is a really, really, Offensive.
	Really fat.
	Really fat pig.
	Did they do the... Did him and Candace do their debate?
	I missed it.
	I don't know.
	I stay out of all of it because... It's just too boring.
	It's like you can tell it's wrestling.
	It takes me out of being creative when I get involved.
	What do you think is the most important thing we should talk about?
	Between me and you is right here.
	Oh, I feel like we're flowing pretty well, babe.
	Oh, all right.
	Let's talk about First Amendment.
	Yeah, let's talk about it.
	Well, back to the gossip.
	I have like a no gossip rule, which is why I don't hang out with most comedians.
	They don't like me because I won't go there.
	Because you won't gossip.
	I won't gossip.
	And at the comedy clubs, I'm there to work.
	That means you don't know any gossip.
	I'm there to work.
	Well, also, and then if people gossip about you, you go, well, at least I didn't do it back.
	So you can, it helps you get through it.
	That's right.
	Because during the cancellation, my cancellation was like the opposite of yours.
	You were a world famous person and they cut me off at the knees before I got to get, I was on my way.
	Yeah.
	So.
	Well, what caused you getting cut off?
	Well, the woke ideology mind virus of this new racial division justified discrimination and racism against certain groups, which is growing, which is why I always, when I, when I saw, you know, when I'd see a white woman say something like, Oh, white men, this, I'd go, don't be careful because they just blew through all the white men.
	And now it's white women.
	And then that group is going to expand.
	And then it's not going to be just men, it's going to be gay men.
	That's right.
	I have gay friends who are bullied from trans people because they're not as oppressed.
	That's right.
	And it's all a game of oppression.
	It's very simple.
	It's Stalinism is what it is.
	Right.
	Well, it's like a reverse strata.
	Like the more oppressed you are, the higher up on the chain you are.
	It makes zero fucking sense.
	And you can keep going.
	Yeah.
	It never stops.
	You can break a group down infinitely.
	Yeah.
	Factioning people to where they all go against each other.
	The red tie thing is what it was.
	Somebody wrote something.
	Until they came for the people with the red ties.
	People who wore the color red.
	Now they were the enemy.
	There always has to be an enemy.
	And you always have to be pursuing and killing them.
	Think about it now.
	When there's quite literally, on the government website of New York, there are, I believe last time I checked, something like 37 to 40 genders.
	Yeah.
	Legally listed by law by the state of New York.
	Yeah.
	So if you multiply the amount of genders by the amount of races, by the amount of made-up disabilities now, people like to identify as neurodivergent.
	It's about to get way crazier.
	They want it to collapse.
	It's like pre-designed collapse.
	Is that your conspiracy theory?
	Because that's pretty fascinating.
	Yes, of course that's what they do all the time.
	Who's they?
	That's Marx.
	That's Marxism.
	Do you give them enough credit for that type of thoughtfulness though?
	That's Marxism.
	I do.
	It's to overrun the system till it collapses from the inside.
	All you gotta do is poke at a mentally ill person.
	I mean, it's fun.
	It is that.
	So they're kind of like, they're doing it for To destroy us and also there's probably enjoyable ones.
	I'm not trying to be funny.
	But they always go too far and it always backfires on them historically.
	Right.
	Like them doing that to Israel is kind of like, I'm like, oh my God, what are they doing?
	Because... Well, did you see the Death to America chants?
	Like today or yesterday?
	That's here, right?
	In Michigan.
	It was in Michigan.
	Dearborn, Michigan.
	You hear it around here.
	Even at the comedy clubs, you'll see people Chanting, well, just like, there's a very, very awkwardness when a Jew or Palestinian topic comes up.
	Yeah.
	And a lot of comics go, we'll go, I can't, I'm not going to go there.
	And I'm like, well, why not?
	Why not go there?
	It's the best time.
	Does the audience go, because, you know, they had something on Saturday Night Live where a Palestinian comic was on there talking about free Palestine and the largely Jewish audience begins like, Quietly applauding him.
	I went on after him.
	He was testing his stuff at the Comedy Cellar.
	And he said, free Palestine.
	I got an applause break.
	And I'm like, if, and I, again, I said, I don't like the gossip because I honor anyone that's successful and it's gotten that far.
	But, but, uh, I went on after him and I bombed on one of my jokes and then I just yelled out free Palestine just to get a free applause break.
	And I thought if you're getting free applause breaks for, for, uh, uh, you know, uh, A sentiment and not a joke.
	It's a bad sign.
	That is a bad sign.
	That is a very bad sign.
	And not a comment on him.
	It's a bad sign just like culturally.
	Yes.
	You know, so.
	That's very true.
	That's my new thing too.
	If I start bombing, you know, because I just go in now because I have nothing to lose.
	Oh my God, is it genius?
	And so if I really bomb and I really go there.
	You're free in Palestine.
	I'll go.
	I'll go.
	Oh no.
	I'll go.
	I'm so sorry.
	I made it weird.
	Let's do something.
	We could all bring all of us together and I'll go.
	Give me 20 minutes on Israel-Palestine.
	Let me get in there.
	Oh, it's such a weird place.
	It's such an inversion.
	But it's a great time for comedy.
	It is a great time for comedy.
	It's the best time in a long time.
	Which is weird because it used to be that when there was a Republican administration, that was the best time for comedy because you had something to rebel against.
	And that when it was, I mean, but I was like left wing then.
	And then when there was liberal... Like, did you make fun of Obama at all during his administration?
	That's where I got fired.
	Yeah.
	Not at first, though.
	Sorry to bring it up.
	Let's talk about Israel-Palestine now.
	That's what it was about.
	Obama's administration.
	Yeah, Obama.
	You said something about him?
	Yeah, because I was first really pissed.
	I mean, I was so pissed off when they nominated him over Hillary Clinton.
	I was all Hillary Clinton feminist, you know?
	Back in the day, you know?
	I was like, they would take a younger man over an experienced woman?
	How dare they?
	How very dare they?
	That's the first line of every date I go on in Brooklyn.
	They sit down, and before I even introduce myself, there's a rant about the patriarchy.
	It works.
	Seal the deal, baby.
	I was the same way as you, though.
	I think I cried when Trump won.
	Really?
	I cried because I was at the airport in Chicago.
	I remember I was on a first date.
	This was during the height of Tinder, when Tinder was a sex And I was not a guy that got laid as a young man, right?
	Is that how you meet people?
	I was raised by a gay guy, so I didn't really know.
	Oh yeah, you're gay.
	Did your dad leave your family when he came out?
	Yes.
	He moved out of the house?
	He moved out.
	Was he kicked out or willfully left?
	He left to pursue a relationship with a man.
	That's terrible.
	Did he still see y'all?
	Yeah, and he's a fantastic father, but this is where you go, You have to honor history, because as fucked up as it got me, it was brutal.
	I got bullied.
	I essentially was living like a closeted gay man.
	I was hiding him from my friends.
	The things I came up with, which I'll tell you are really funny now when you think about it, but I can go back and say, that was a different period of time.
	Yeah.
	He could not come out in an Irish Catholic family.
	He probably would have killed himself.
	Right.
	I get it.
	One of my favorite jokes is that if it wasn't for homophobia, I wouldn't be alive.
	Yeah, no shit.
	That's a good joke.
	So I have to delicately find a way to honor homophobia even today, you know.
	That's like Melissa.
	Yeah.
	You know, my niece is a gaybie.
	Yeah.
	And her dad, my brother's gay and so is my sister.
	Yeah, my brother, they call her a Gabie, kids like her, that had two Ken dolls.
	I guess I'm a bit of a Gabie.
	Did you get the two Ken dolls in the Barbie house?
	Did you get that?
	Did I get that?
	No, I don't think.
	No, it was just my dad was actually dating a man named Ken.
	That's true.
	Wow.
	Really?
	And he looked like a... Kendall?
	Doll.
	Yeah.
	Was it?
	And I wanted to fuck his daughter really bad.
	But that was the upside was he would date these hot guys and they all had kids and then we would like play and be like... So your dad's gay too, huh?
	So your dad's fucking my dad, huh?
	And I was like, 10.
	And I remember this girl, I remember being in her room, she had a ferret, and I'm just like, I wanna fuck this girl, because I was so messed up from taking care of my mom, who was suicidal.
	She tried to kill herself.
	Oh my God.
	So anyways.
	How old were you?
	Well, it started at seven, so I became her spouse essentially at seven.
	Oh my God.
	But again, I can look back and go, my dad didn't have a choice.
	It was like suicide or, you know, what, I don't know what you would do in 1969 or whatever, coming out as gay.
	Yeah.
	And one of his, I think another one of his siblings was closeted.
	I'm not even sure that's out yet, but today, if anyone's watching, if any Fishers are watching, so I can look back and go.
	Well, they say if there's one in the family, there's most likely two.
	Yeah, my brother's gay too.
	So I can look back and say, I understand.
	Yeah.
	And I can see that my mom was suicidal and I have a lot of compassion and she's pretty much barely alive now.
	I found her trying to kill herself five years ago.
	So that ate away at her with another slew of things, right?
	And I can just look at it and go, this is fucking tragic.
	Is that how you're getting your comedy?
	Are you making that into your comedy?
	This tragedy?
	This horror?
	This pain?
	For two years I... Good God!
	And this is what pisses me off about this ideology bullshit.
	Everybody I know tells me I'm privileged and I have it better because of my skin color and this and that.
	Meanwhile, I'm going through this shit, not as a victim, but going, I don't get to have both.
	I don't get to find my mom trying to kill herself and have my dad go fuck some guy.
	And my brother cut me off for misgendering someone on Twitter.
	And I'm like, You don't get to do that and then tell me I have everything.
	Take a pick.
	I don't care.
	Tell me I'm privileged and give me the job that I deserved or leave me the fuck alone for going through what everybody goes through.
	Well, the whole thing is to punish talent.
	Have you noticed that?
	That's what I think.
	It's to destroy talent because talent and thinkers are the kryptonite of communism.
	You know, where they get rid of, they don't like art, they don't like outspoken, they don't like fingers.
	But you don't think it's broken down more specifically by ideological categories?
	Yeah, I do.
	It will come for them though.
	Yeah, but it's all that.
	They don't like dissent.
	No dissent.
	You know what's a great example of that is for a while during BLM it's like, well, you can't challenge anybody who's a person of color.
	You can't do it.
	Right.
	And I had people come up to me at Some of the best comedy clubs in the world, comics, and they would say, you can't tell that joke.
	Oh yeah.
	Oh yeah.
	Happened the other night.
	Happened the other night.
	And, um, but Dave Chappelle, a black man, got ripped apart for, for telling a joke about trans people.
	So that was the evidence of, oh, it doesn't matter.
	You can't touch the landmines of these new unwritten, and they're all unwritten.
	I always think about George Carlin, who, who, you know, went to court The seven words you can't say.
	Yeah, shit, piss, cunt, fuck, cock, sucker, motherfucker, and tits.
	Right.
	And now it's like there's 700 topics that all have 700 subcategories.
	Yeah.
	You can't stand top of it.
	Yeah.
	So you're in a limelight.
	Well, that's what they count on, that you never really know exactly what the rules are.
	Right.
	They keep moving the goalposts over and over.
	But that's what lawfare is.
	What do you think the most important way as an artist is to combat that?
	Well, I think for us is to just be funnier than any of them.
	Well, the U.S.
	government is at it again.
	They are now doing gain-of-function research with China to make bird flu more deadly, and who knows what else they're doing.
	But, you know, they never can stop until we're all dead.
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	And that's why they try to shut down Funny because Funny makes fun of them because they're idiots and arrogant.
	They love their arrogance so much and they just really, really want to protect their arrogance.
	Arrogance doesn't do well in, you know, especially middle America, which I'm learning.
	And as I tour and you really get to see what an average American is, which I would say is us, essentially, if we weren't in the Plaza Hotel, maybe.
	Right.
	If we were across the street.
	Well, we talk to a lot of average Americans.
	You have to just be real and funny.
	Well, you gotta say something that makes people laugh.
	But here's what they do.
	They don't say shit that makes people laugh.
	They say shit that makes people go like this.
	That's what they do.
	This is like a show in Brooklyn now.
	They can't laugh.
	They can never give over control.
	You know when you laugh and you take that breath and you lose control to joy and ecstatic hilarity of like going to the next level of losing control?
	You can't control it.
	No, right, and you can't even get your breath.
	Oh my god, they hate any kind of loss of control because they're just all about control because their sphincter must be They gotta constrict that strength.
	But if it's a really good joke, they'll actually let it out, and then they'll catch the Lizzo joke I just posted.
	You can actually see the explosion of laughter, and then the realization that, is this allowed?
	And then it turned into me getting booed by half the crowd.
	Right.
	And then I double down on the joke, and then they release again.
	That's fun to me though.
	I love that you went there because it is.
	It's all fucking with a pattern of energy, isn't it?
	It's all like fucking with psychic energy.
	I think you have to start with the fact that in comedy there's no rules.
	You're surfing that psychic energy in the room, right?
	But you have to start with there are no rules here.
	Yeah, there are no rules.
	It's another reason I don't talk to comedians, because a lot of them will say, well, that topic, well, I can see how that ... A couple nights ago, I was about to go on and a comedian said, just to let you know, the last comic did some race stuff.
	Race stuff?
	People didn't like it.
	Did they say race stuff or racist stuff?
	Race, like race stuff.
	They didn't like it, so I would just maybe avoid that.
	Because he knew you had some race jokes?
	He probably knows that I cover the whole thing and I don't play on my sets usually.
	Right.
	But because he said that, I was like, not only...
	Put blackface on.
	That's how we are.
	Have you ever told me what not to do, motherfucker?
	I'm a comic.
	I own that stage.
	I grew up being bullied and so it's like yeah, if you're bullied
	You're not gonna tell me what not to do, motherfucker. I'm a comic.
	You get bullied, you go home and you think, how can I get back at the bully?
	Yeah, I mean like...
	Right?
	Yeah, so I went four... I quadrupled down and I did...
	Instead of the one Lizzo joke, I did the Lizzo joke the whole set.
	And I've never done that.
	That's so awesome.
	And as I'm talking I'm coming up to ways to slip in that fat fuck in every joke.
	Including ones I didn't even know I could.
	Really?
	And then the last one was... That just came into your head like you was cattling for the Lord?
	Yeah, and that just came from the guy telling me I can't do it.
	And I'm going, I'm at the fucking comedy cellar.
	I'm at the goddamn comedy cellar where Robin Williams is looking at me every time before I go on stage going, oh shit, well you can't say that.
	And so I went on and I did it and it was the best set I've ever had in my life.
	Great.
	In 20 years, and I taped it.
	Fucking cool, man.
	Yeah, and I went home and I edited the thing until 4 a.m.
	All fueled by that one fucking guy.
	You know, he's a nice guy.
	Isn't that so fucking awesome?
	When you hit and when you have your good set, when it goes from just a great set into pure art, How long does it take you to, like, if you have an idea, do you just go, I want to go do it right away?
	Do you test it out online?
	I don't know how much you, you're not on Twitter anymore, are you?
	Well, I'm on my limited little, I'm on my, uh, what do you call them?
	Fake accounts.
	Puppet, your, your puppet account.
	Oh, okay.
	My puppet accounts, so if nobody can find me, you know, but they do find me and then I get Evicted.
	Evicted.
	Then I have to get another one.
	So you're doing, how often are you performing live these days?
	It's been a while.
	I haven't performed live for a while.
	Do you want to?
	Sometimes I do and then, like, I went on stage at Joe Rogan's club, you know.
	The mothership.
	And I didn't do well.
	Because I was too high.
	I made a terrible mistake of drinking too much and smoking too much marijuana up with other comedians, which you're smart to not have comedian friends because they're always getting you to smoke pot to fuck you up.
	Here's another upside.
	I'm allergic to smoke.
	I started smoking when I was 10 and I ruined my lungs.
	And so I can't be around cigarettes.
	So I can't, Hang at the Mothership, and I love the Mothership.
	And I'm hoping to Austin, we're getting a place there, you know, to also be closer to that club.
	And to you guys.
	Yeah.
	Because you go in there and nobody says, you can't say this, you can't say that.
	Right.
	No, it's great.
	That's the good part.
	That whole town is like that, which is what's great.
	That feels like 1997 in there.
	It does.
	It does.
	What a gift he's giving.
	But I became too drunk and I was on stage, you know, and I knew I shouldn't have went on stage.
	Well, you pulled the microphone a little closer.
	It was Shabbat.
	Huh?
	Pull the microphone a little closer.
	No, I knew I shouldn't have went on stage because it was Shabbat.
	She thinks she's banned.
	She does this thing like... Have you seen Brian Haltzman?
	Yeah, my grandson opened for him.
	My grandson's doing stand-up too.
	But my point is, Brian Haltzman says whatever he wants, and it's hilarious, and he'll I know, because I was humiliated.
	I just felt like I let everybody down.
	She killed at the mothership. She did it probably ten times killed nine the last one
	She got too high and she hasn't gone back and it's just like we had no because I was humiliated
	She's very ashamed of it. I I just felt like I let everybody down, you know, have you felt that?
	Yeah, probably when I found my mom trying to kill herself Yourself.
	She didn't like the Lizzo material.
	Oh my god, you poor thing.
	How can you even fucking live a day on this fucking godforsaken planet after you've experienced that sort of horrible pain and betrayal?
	I'll tell you how.
	I'll tell you how.
	I couldn't even look at water for two years.
	She tried to kill herself in a tub.
	I found her trying to drown herself in a lake.
	Oh my god.
	Oh my god.
	For two years.
	How did you find her?
	So, she wrote us.
	She was suicidal.
	And we found out somehow through a note or whatever.
	Yeah.
	And so I got the call.
	I'm at the beach in Brooklyn.
	Oh, you smart bastard.
	You know, I'm probably being pissed on by a homeless guy or something.
	And I'm not emotional.
	I'm just choking on strawberry.
	Oh, good.
	Well, it's better for the podcast if you do get emotional.
	If you cry looking at that.
	We need it for the ratings.
	And so, yeah, I went home and, you know, The hospital was like, she can't keep her on lockdown.
	That's like a real official lockdown, you know?
	Yeah.
	Pandemic, not the fake pandemic bullshit.
	And I got a text that she stole a car and I was like, okay, I know she's going to do it.
	And I was at a fork in the road and I remember, I was like, all right, she's either at the beach or the, or this lake.
	And I just, I just guessed.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And I drove up, and I saw her car, and I didn't see her in the water, so I assumed she was dead.
	Oh my god.
	And then I saw her, like, up to here.
	Oh my god!
	Yeah, never forget it.
	That's horrible.
	Of course you'll never forget it.
	What'd you do, jump in?
	I jumped in, there's pills lined up on the, um...
	Mom, you don't mind I'm talking about this, right?
	Are you watching this?
	Oh, Mom, we're gonna pray for you.
	Did you take your medicine?
	No, we're gonna pray for your mom.
	Of course I pray for her.
	I'll pray for her, too.
	Of course I pray for her.
	You know what's worse?
	What's her name?
	Is when your mom doesn't try and kill herself.
	Sharon, I'm gonna pray for you, Sharon.
	I'm kidding, it's Roseanne.
	My cousin name was Sharon, so I'm gonna pray for Sharon.
	But I did heal from it with what's called EMDR.
	What's that?
	EMDR, I discovered in a book called The Body Keeps the Score.
	Fantastic book.
	I've heard of that.
	Electromagnetic.
	Read it.
	It's amazing.
	It recreates... Trauma.
	REM sleep, where you're flipping back and forth between the left and right brain.
	Rapid eye movement.
	So when you're asleep, your eyes are moving rapidly.
	Right.
	And so you recreate that with a therapist.
	You have pulsating knobs that pulsate left and right.
	You have... Is this Scientology?
	This is how a lot of veterans heal PTSD.
	Yeah, I've heard of it.
	Yeah, they do PTSD.
	You actually go back, and you kind of are in REM sleep, so it's a bit of hypnosis, and then you talk out the experience, whatever the trauma is.
	It could be as little as, you know, I shit myself in fourth grade and everyone laughed at me.
	Right.
	You go back, and by golly, you are back in that moment.
	Wow.
	Oh, yeah.
	And I'm sobbing, and you're there.
	You are there.
	And then you have, you know, you work for a couple weeks to find ways to kind of like disconnect from it.
	You have words, whatever, like if you have a good therapist, they'll slow you down.
	They're watching you, right?
	And they'll take you out of it if you need to.
	So he's watching you and he'll ask, you know, do you want to keep going?
	What are you seeing?
	And you re-groove your neural pathways.
	Yeah, new neural pathways.
	And you rewrite the ending of it.
	That's right.
	So I quite literally rewrote the ending where instead of jumping in the water and crying and trying to save her, which I've been trying to do my whole life, and I brought her to the hospital.
	I would get in bed with her, watch Seinfeld.
	I was like doing all the shit I did as a kid.
	Instead... You were being her dad.
	There was a limo there.
	I sent her in the ambulance.
	I got in the limo, just smoking hot, babe.
	Looks a little bit like your wife, actually.
	And my dog... In the limo?
	Yeah.
	And instead, I took the limo back to New York and went and did a show.
	That's great.
	And that was me going, you have to take care of yourself.
	Yes.
	You gotta live.
	It saved my life.
	That saved my life.
	I'm gonna try that with this podcast.
	Amazing.
	No one heard my joke.
	Did you hear the, you know what's worse?
	Sorry, I usually don't want credit.
	I said, you know, what's worse than your mom trying to kill herself is when she does it.
	Nobody laughed.
	God, you're so lucky.
	Your EMDR is just you in a room with your mom.
	She goes, do you want to do the podcast?
	You go, no.
	Yeah.
	Do it yourself.
	No.
	Talk about how when people ask me to be on their shows, what you tell them.
	Well, I got it from Hannah, my wife, because people are like, like Gutfeld even, like, you want to do Gutfeld?
	And it's like, Hannah told me this line.
	She's like, look, we have enough problems getting Roseanne to do her own podcast.
	She's not going to do her show.
	And it's true.
	Sometimes we have, look at this.
	I had to give her fucking pills.
	No, but could I ask you guys a question?
	I don't want to put on makeup.
	Can I ask you both a question as comics?
	You don't wear makeup?
	I am!
	It took me an hour and a fucking half to do my hair and my makeup.
	When I saw your hair first on Instagram... This hair or another hair?
	Yeah, but you honestly, like, you look ten years younger.
	With this hair?
	Yes.
	Are you shitting me?
	Because I get to see these two bitches that did my hair.
	She's lost a friendship.
	I've abandoned my 24 year friendship with Shannon over this hair.
	Her best friend.
	She doesn't talk to her anymore because it's so good.
	My best friend, she fucked me over on this hair.
	What do you mean?
	Did she cut it herself?
	No, she had her friend do it, but I think it looks fine.
	She hates when I say that.
	I think it looks great.
	Dare I say.
	Everywhere I went at the Trump, what do you call that place where Trump lives down there in Florida?
	Mar-a-Lago.
	Mar-a-Lago.
	Every place I went down there, I'd walk in, I was horrified with my hair.
	Everyone goes, your hair looks fantastic!
	I couldn't believe it.
	Well, I think when I saw it, it was maybe combed differently.
	I feel like you can still do different things with it.
	Well, maybe I just hate my hair.
	My hair is horrible.
	It's not.
	It'll be fine.
	Can I ask you... If people didn't know how horrible my hair is... It's fine.
	Can I ask you both a question that they want to ask?
	So, your father comes up... Tell me when you're going to start.
	I will.
	Can you just say action?
	Action, we're going now.
	Don't you fucking hate, I'm sorry, I hate podcasts because everyone's sitting there going, are we, did you start recording?
	I'm like, you're at Joe Rogan's podcast, you don't think he's recording?
	You talking about something actually interesting?
	Oh, I record before you reset up.
	Are we recording this?
	So you're both, your dad comes out of the closet, you've been a liberal off and on, like this progressive movement that we all hate now, right?
	Let's be honest.
	Does your dad hate being progressive?
	Stop being homophobic.
	I want to know, like, part of the progressive movement that we were all for was for this kind of stuff.
	It was real.
	It was actually, and now it's become this monster.
	Like, at what point do you feel, I guess my question is, do you feel guilty sometimes going against this woke movement knowing that it has helped your family?
	No, because I can parse out when I grew up, it was gay and lesbian, the GLs, the GLAs for short.
	How easy is that?
	Oh, the GLAs, right?
	And then they let the bi's in there.
	They fucked it all up.
	They did, because I remember they having that great big old fight over the bi's.
	Yep.
	Because my sister and brother is gay and lesbian, and they was like in there, you know.
	First it was just the gays, and then the lesbians like my sister.
	You know, the ones with shaved heads and the bicycle chains?
	They came in there.
	Or the ones that look like Roseanne.
	Or the ones that look like me.
	Yeah, that's what my sister told me.
	She goes, You are going to tell me how to dress?
	What time softball practice, by the way?
	My sister said, you're going to tell me how I need to dress when you dress like the biggest dyke that's ever lived?
	Well, why am I?
	When the bisexuals jumped on, it's like, are we supposed to feel bad for someone that gets to fuck everybody?
	Yeah.
	Thank you.
	You know?
	I couldn't believe it, but my sister goes, oh no, those women have no say in what women who love women have to do, because women who love women are not going to go for the cock.
	I remember that whole fight.
	And they don't want nothing to do with bisexualities.
	I wonder if that really was, and I do feel for someone, if that's who you are and you were discriminated for it.
	They didn't lock the cock, but they let the cock in and look where it leads.
	Now men say they are women because it's all about the cock and nothing but the fucking cock, so help you fucking God.
	And on the goddamn Bible, too.
	Yeah, it's gone too far.
	That's your answer to the question.
	The difference now is, celebrate me just because I'm gay, which is unacceptable.
	I think it's celebrate my cock.
	Get down on your knees, bitch, and celebrate my almighty cock, because I'm a better woman than you'll ever be.
	Suck my dick, bitch.
	That's what I think it is.
	That's part of it.
	It's all like to take women's rights away.
	I'll tell you what, you're not coming in my bathroom, I'll pull a fucking knife and cut your dick off if I have it in my face.
	Wow.
	Wow, ma'am.
	No, you won't be showing your dick to me.
	I'm 71.
	No dicks.
	My dick's hiding.
	The only part of me that's not Jewish.
	You were saying it's gone too far.
	I mean, I'm not in my face without my invitation.
	It's supposed to be about consent.
	My dick also led to part of my downfall as a child, because I was not circumcised and I got bullied for it.
	So I was getting bullied for having a gay dad, a sick mom, and a normal penis, which I thought was a... I thought, because I was the only dick, me and one of my brothers.
	Weren't circumcised.
	My oldest brother was, and I don't know why.
	Maybe they thought it was wrong after they did him.
	Yeah, maybe they were like, maybe we shouldn't cut the baby's dicks off anymore.
	Yeah, because Jake almost bled to death after I got him circumcised.
	That's true.
	So I never wanted any of my grandsons- You were trying to trans him, weren't you?
	No, I never wanted to ever- No, they clicked an artery or something.
	Be pro-circumcision again, because that was horrifying.
	Maybe that's what happened.
	We got bullied.
	We got bullied so hard.
	I remember we drew our Where were you showing your dicks to people that you got bullied, though?
	I mean, come on, you're a kid, and you were raised in a gay house.
	Oh, yeah, okay.
	Dicks out, bud.
	No, I'm kidding.
	No, but you got bullied first.
	It was my dad's boyfriend, I think.
	No, you mean at school and stuff?
	Yeah, because someone was like, what does your dick look like?
	Why don't we just draw it on the sidewalk?
	So we all took chalk.
	And Drew are dicks and yours look like a human.
	And mine was a triangle.
	And everyone was like, what the fuck is that?
	They're like, look at that witch's hat.
	Your dick is cursed.
	You got an elephant dick.
	And I'm watching Seinfeld.
	And I used to, that's one thing, I'd do a cuddle up with my mom and we'd watch Seinfeld.
	What's the deal with incest?
	We watched Springer.
	That was our show.
	And Elaine is talking about dating a guy Who's not circumcised, and Jerry goes, what do you think about it?
	She goes, ew, it's got no personality.
	And I was 11.
	Ouch.
	And that every day, I thought about that.
	Oh, that's so sad.
	Well, it's not too late.
	No, now women love it.
	Oh, really?
	Because now, like, all natural is back.
	It's like, well, aside from not getting the vaccine, but I'm like, I clean up with this But why do the women love it with a hood on it?
	Well, because it's natural.
	It's natural.
	It's, it's like, um, you know, it's easier to use and it works with the vagina naturally.
	How come it's easier to use?
	Self-lubricating.
	Okay.
	So watch this.
	Here we go.
	What?
	Like a turtle?
	Right.
	So when, when, when a penis, let's say this is a circumcised penis, you're not filming this, right?
	Yeah.
	If it goes into a vagina, it's just pushing air into it.
	But when it has the skin, it actually self-lubricates.
	Think about how men and women have evolved to fuck for billions of years.
	So have our genitals.
	So it self-lubricates.
	It's self-lubricating.
	I don't think it's self-lubricating.
	Why, because the hood is full of lubrication?
	It moves with it.
	No, it moves with it.
	Is the hood full of lubrication?
	Is that what you're saying?
	No.
	Yeah, you hit a little button on your balls.
	No, I just want to understand.
	No, it's not self-lubricating.
	What are you saying?
	The skin moves back.
	You're saying it helps ease in, but it's not lubricated.
	Well, I'm not sure.
	Like, you don't have lubrication in your dickhead.
	No, no, but it's like, it's an alternative to having to use lubrication because it's actually, the skin is working with it.
	He's saying it kind of goes like a sleeve, it's like a docking, like the Russian American satellites.
	Everyone's jerking off at home buying right now.
	I don't know.
	No, I can see.
	I don't understand that.
	I'll have to read more on it.
	Well, think about it.
	No, think like there's just the penis head.
	I'll have to read more.
	I'll read more.
	No, I'm going to show you.
	I'll show you a video.
	I'll make a video for you.
	Look, it kind of works as like a sleeve.
	Yeah.
	That's what he's saying.
	But is there lubrication in the sleeve is what I'm saying.
	He used the wrong word.
	No.
	He shouldn't have said self-lubricant.
	But how does that sleeve help it?
	Because the sleeve kind of works kind of like it hooks and then pulls your dickhead in.
	So it's less tension.
	Yeah.
	I mean, I can show you with the wine bottle.
	I don't know what the hell that means.
	Just think about it.
	A dick goes in a vagina.
	If it's just the head, it's got a split.
	But if it's got the sleeve, it kind of goes in parts and then it can work its way in.
	It's like a shock absorber, you know?
	Oh, a shock absorber.
	It's like a shoe.
	It's more pleasurable for women.
	I get what you're saying.
	Yeah.
	It's help.
	There's a little bit of padding so you don't get a UTI.
	That's what I'm saying.
	You don't get a UTI because there's a little bit of padding between your urethra and the shaft.
	Yeah, but if he's not clean you could get a UTI because if he's got like dick cheese.
	Did you know the room service woman's been here the whole time?
	No, I'm just trying to understand but I can see it.
	Not only that but it also protects the head of the penis so if it's If the head is exposed, it's rubbing on your genes your whole life.
	So it actually makes the head of the penis... So it gets less sensitive?
	Yes, it gets desensitized.
	And it's actually a theory of mine of why there's more sexual abuse and assault, because their dicks have been numbed out.
	Which is also the original reason why circumcision began, was to try to make men less horny.
	I remember when Sue Menger's husband said that.
	Don't change the subject.
	You know, Sue Menger's my friend, the greatest agent that was ever in Hollywood.
	Her husband, Jean-Claude, was French and she was Jewish, and he used to taunt her.
	We'd all laugh, of course.
	But he'd say, yeah, of course Jewish women invented circumcision for their sons to reduce their sexual pleasure.
	The original purpose of circumcision.
	Is that true?
	Yes.
	You know, the real reason it came... Think about how horny... Yeah, I gotta hear this.
	People have always been as horny as they are.
	In fact, I'd say they were more hornier because there was less social construct around it, right?
	Well, maybe they're more horny because they don't get enough out of it as they... You know, if it was really great, you wouldn't need to do it all the time, right?
	That could be.
	That could be.
	Wait, there's so much to unpack here.
	Please just start.
	So circumcision happened to desensitized boys.
	You know where circumcision came from?
	She's at the bottom of the glass.
	I just have to say this because it's true.
	Pharaoh circumcised his slaves.
	It didn't come from the Torah or the Jews or any of that.
	Pharaoh circumcised his slaves.
	That's how they could tell.
	Who was slave class and who was aristocrat.
	Well, he's saying it was to desensitize the penis, right?
	Well, of course they wanted the slaves not to... I'm sure... They wanted the slaves to not... Yeah, she interrupts.
	You just have to let her.
	Well, it also... Well, it also takes weight off, you know?
	So maybe that made them faster.
	Take a little weight off, you know?
	Wait.
	You're removing part of the body.
	Where did you hear that the circumcision started to... Is your saying to desensitize the penis?
	Yes.
	Yeah.
	I've never heard that.
	But I'm sure in each culture there may have been a different reason, just like pyramids popped up everywhere.
	Yeah.
	You know, just like even all this woke bullshit, there's different reasons behind it.
	I always heard it was more, um, uh, what's the word?
	Sanitary.
	That's what I always heard as a kid.
	No, that's what they say now.
	No, now they say there's no difference.
	Why would they want to?
	Someone has a great joke about that.
	Cause they're like, yeah, it's really hard to like do this, you know, with some water.
	But some guys that don't, cause I've had, My girlfriends have told me they've been with uncircumcised penis.
	Now, this is only a couple of them, but both of those experiences, oddly enough, the guy was uncircumcised.
	I've only seen a few of those.
	And it's stinky.
	That's more of a stink.
	Well, because it sticks inside, so it can stink.
	It's like if you wear shoes all day.
	You guys are grossing me out.
	This is the best mother-son podcast of all time.
	We already got in trouble for talking sex last time.
	You can, you know, in most cases, you can clean it.
	Pull the skin back and clean your penis.
	Of course, no, you can be sanitary, but a lot of people are just saying, if you're out jogging all day and your dick is surrounded, it can get stinky.
	If you're jogging and you go fuck someone, you're probably raping them in the woods.
	You should go home and shower.
	Someone just jogging and is fucking you.
	You're being right.
	Or you're gay, like a lot of people, they're jogging and going in the bushes.
	Haven't you seen the gay people in the park?
	My dad had to go up to Maine.
	I didn't actually know.
	We used to vacation in Algonquit or whatever in Maine.
	Is that where he went?
	Well, yeah.
	That was one of the safe places for men to go.
	Your family went vacationing at the gay parks?
	Oh, it's so sad.
	They're all gay.
	It's so sad.
	Because the French came in, even though they're all pretty gay.
	And so what we would do as a family is go to piano gay bars.
	That's like the best place for me to actually hang out with my dad.
	He has a lot of fun there.
	I grew up going to musicals.
	I'm basically gay raised.
	These women don't, these feminists don't know what they're missing out on.
	I'm raised by gay men.
	I cook.
	I clean.
	I got my dick.
	I'm funny.
	Thank you very much.
	They're going to pay the price pretty soon.
	Who?
	Well, women are going to be over 50% single.
	No husband, no boyfriend, no kids by 2029.
	Is that right?
	That is a crisis.
	I can understand why no man wants to get with any women because they're just all crazy.
	They're in total denial.
	They think they're all that in a bag of chips and they ain't.
	You never hear about What should you do to please a man?
	It's not part of the conversation.
	And when you bring that up, you're gone.
	You're out.
	It's going to get really sad.
	I'm in the middle, so I'm 37, so I can date older easily.
	I can date 40, 45, or I can date younger.
	However old you guys think is appropriate.
	I'm not going to say that out loud, you know, but I get the full spectrum.
	Yeah.
	I have no, the last girl I dated was 23.
	She was the most intellectual, smart, grounded, funny, amazing person.
	And she broke it off with me because, because it just wasn't, no, that she, she almost cried when I told her she was so blown away that I stood up to it because she hid that she didn't get the vaccine.
	She didn't get back?
	She didn't get back.
	She sounds great.
	What happened?
	What happens is you have these young girls who are 23 who all think they're Beyonce.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	And so it's, I can do better.
	I can do funnier.
	I can do taller.
	And then they find out there aren't any... Someone just calculated this.
	And this is the most high demand man is a man over six feet tall that makes over six figures.
	That is 1% of the population.
	Single? 0.02.
	That doesn't account for if they're even attractive or obese or gay.
	They are fighting for 0.02% of the population.
	And the guys aren't there.
	And I go, look down.
	There's all these short guys.
	Yeah.
	We're right here.
	Short kings.
	Short kings.
	No, it is bullshit.
	I mean, I feel bad.
	I mean, I lost my hair, you know, and that was tough dating.
	But I was still 6'1", and I found women didn't really give a shit, but it seems like the under 6' is in the right place.
	In a liberal city, in the most progressive, we don't care.
	I would say 8 out of 10, if not 9 out of 10 women will turn me down for my height.
	Yeah, 100%.
	And this is them knowing I'm successful, funny, love eating pussy.
	I love women so much, and part of it was from taking care of my mom.
	I really know how to take care of a woman.
	Maybe that's what they don't like, because I know that they don't like that.
	Yeah, but I've disconnected from her, so I'm actually completely independent from that.
	That's great.
	That's a real healing thing that you did.
	And I'm sure you're not completely disconnected, are you?
	I'm pretty close.
	Well, maybe you need to do that for a while.
	A lot of people can do it as long as you need to.
	And my grandmother, what's kind of cool is she loved Trump so much.
	She passed away in September.
	Yes, from watching your podcast.
	She just killed herself.
	You know when people were going, you gotta shame your family for liking Trump, and you gotta tell your grandma to go fuck herself.
	Yeah, it's evil.
	And I almost did that.
	And then, as this shit started happening to me, me and her started getting more and more aligned.
	And so I got about a year with her, you know, when this stuff was happening with my mom, where we would sit and I would leave her messages as Trump.
	And we would shit on Biden and, you know, I would leave her messages as Biden.
	Give me a call, black people.
	Come on.
	I love your Biden.
	What about his State of the Union where you get all Hitlerian?
	Oh yeah.
	How about that one?
	You start just yelling for no fun reason.
	He yells and then he whispers the end.
	It's like, look, it's not a joke.
	Okay.
	The adults are back in the room.
	Yeah.
	What is that guy?
	Yeah.
	Do you think that's really Joe Biden or some people say it's a clone or a robot?
	I think it's a bit of a clone of himself just from his mental decline.
	But you know, I think he... Some people say he's really murdered.
	I mean, they say that they killed him at, um, that Jag hung him over there at Guantanamo Bay.
	They say that in 2018.
	I mean, I could see it being a weekend at Bernie's where they just, like, wheel him out in strings, you know?
	Wheel out Joe, and he just comes over.
	Look, not a joke.
	They pull a string in his back.
	Not a joke.
	Not joking around.
	You know the thing, you know?
	He says four things.
	Do you ever read any of that shit about JAG, how they're executing people over there in Guantanamo Bay?
	No.
	You would love it!
	Really?
	My favorite thing about this podcast is doing you-ass people stuff.
	They just executed Garland, what's his name?
	Merrick Garland.
	Merrick Garland.
	Birthday!
	Birthday!
	No, Merrick Garland.
	They said that Jag just executed him.
	Yeah, mom's in the internet a lot.
	Just so you know.
	Where did they do it?
	Guantanamo Bay there.
	They should've canceled you for this shit.
	That's what I say!
	Thank you!
	Not your jokes!
	That's what I say.
	She'll be on the podcast, she'll be like, do you really think?
	And it'll be shit like this.
	And it's like, I just sit here.
	But I'm just saying what's on the internet.
	I'm not saying I believe.
	I'm not saying I believe.
	I'm just saying what people are saying.
	It's funny, but it's also tragic because it's just as funny to go, well, I'm just saying what's on CNN.
	That really is funny.
	Right?
	Can you do Anderson Cooper?
	Speaking of CNN.
	Yeah, take your pants off.
	I can't do Anderson Cooper.
	Can you do Don Lemon?
	No, but I could do Tucker Carlson talking about Don Lemon!
	Oh, I'm Don Lemon!
	Oh, I'm real clever.
	Did you ever have Tucker on?
	Oh, yeah.
	Yeah, we had him on.
	It was one of our biggest.
	He really went deep with the Where'd we go deep with him?
	Dude, it was crazy.
	We were sitting there like, thanks for doing it, Poker.
	Oh, the Unabomber.
	Oh, he went Unabomber, Uncle Ted.
	He knows everything about the Unabomber.
	He's a huge fan of Ted Kaczynski.
	Not a fan.
	He's a fan.
	No, he is.
	He doesn't want to say it, but he is.
	We both are.
	That's why we bonded.
	No, but he was captivated by the guy.
	He calls him Uncle Ted.
	He's bought the books for his kids.
	A crazy genius.
	He is a crazy genius.
	Do you know anything about the Unabomber?
	No.
	Oh, he's great.
	Oh, he's a crazy genius.
	Everything he said happened.
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	He's like a prophet.
	Why did he bomb, though?
	To help sell his book.
	Because, yeah, he was trying to get press.
	So that's not a good thing.
	So it's completely crazy.
	Other than that, though, his writings, you should definitely check.
	Oh my gosh, it's unbelievable.
	Highly recommend.
	I'm not even joking.
	Highly recommend.
	Sure.
	And he was definitely not left.
	A lot of people think that.
	He was talking about... Just go read his shit.
	He's talking about technology and how horrible it is.
	And wokeism.
	AI.
	Wait till I tell the...
	Progressive comedians, I'm listening to the Unabomber book.
	Yeah, I was on Rosa Parks' podcast talking about the Unabomber.
	What about these progressive comedians?
	They're as funny as a fucking chapped ass, ain't they?
	They ain't funny.
	You can't be progressive and a comedian.
	You can't.
	You can't, can you?
	No.
	I think you can as long as you agree that you can make fun of anything.
	You just lose me once.
	I mean, the Comedy Cellar, there's so many great comics there.
	And there's comics everywhere that just hate me because I say what I want, and that's fine.
	But I can still watch them, the ones that hate me, and go, that was a good fucking joke.
	Even if it's a joke about a short, straight white guy.
	If it's good, I am in the back like a little kid.
	Me too.
	But they don't do that.
	No, they can't do it.
	I don't know.
	I don't know.
	I try not to.
	I totally understand that.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah, because we can appreciate, you know... The joke first.
	Someone said the other day, they're like, I like how you do yours is joke first, and then if someone wants to interpret a political thing or whatever, but I'm not... We've broadened the word political where it's like, The girl that broke up with me, I sent you the text.
	Sorry, I asked a girl out.
	She found my Instagram and said, sorry, you know, looks like you're very political and I can't go down that road.
	You know, best of luck with your endeavors.
	And so I had the balls to go up to this girl in a park and make her laugh and get her number and all this crap.
	And I don't, I have a joke about like Biden, you know, talking funny.
	It's not about politics.
	So now if you even tell a joke that involves politics or involves a trans person, People go, that's a transphobic joke or something.
	It's like, no, that's a joke about me going on a date with a huge black guy in a wig who tried to fuck me, which happened.
	Did that really happen?
	Yes!
	Did that really happen?
	Three times I have gone- Three times?
	Three times I've gone out with who I thought was a woman and it turned out to be a man.
	Three times.
	One got back to my house because I was so unsure and so ashamed.
	This was before I had any ballsack.
	Did you Bonaduce him?
	Huh?
	Did you Bonaduce him?
	Remember when he beat up- Jake!
	I think that's the actual murder rate of trans people is because of shit like that.
	I thought it was a woman, pulled her pants down, had a penis, and he beat the shit out
	of her.
	I think that's the actual murder rate of trans people is because of shit like that.
	I do too.
	And it's part of it.
	It is.
	That's not how they get murdered.
	Some of them.
	Their boyfriends kill them.
	Some of them do though.
	Their tricks kill them.
	No, I would say, I know men that have, think about if you're blackout drunk and you see this person, the surgery is getting real good.
	You know what I mean?
	And so it happens, especially in cities like this.
	I mean, The six foot whatever five black guy was at one of my shows and I had to run to another show and a comedian goes, this chick thought you're really funny and gave me her number to pass to you.
	I go, is she cute?
	He goes, gorgeous.
	She was pretty tall.
	And I go, that's fine.
	And we set up a date and I get to the bar and it's dim.
	And, uh, I just, that jaw looks a little sharp.
	You know, I'm slowly, I ran to the bathroom and texted my friend.
	I had a full-blown, like, panic attack.
	Like, you knew or you were guessing?
	I think a man... You just had anxiety.
	When a man is near a man, there's chemicals going on.
	Absolutely.
	Thank you.
	You know what I mean?
	Yes.
	I mean, not threatened by you at all, but... There's more chemicals coming from your mouth.
	Right.
	We got Guy from Fury Funny over here.
	And so it was like, I'm going to have to kill this person, but they're twice my size.
	So how are you going to do it?
	And we went outside and she gets on a telephone, like a lamppost, and starts like twirling down.
	He's twirling around the lamppost like, am I coming home with you or whatever?
	And grabbed me, kissed me on the mouth.
	And I got out of there and I was like, I just kissed a man.
	Yeah.
	And there's nothing I could fucking do about it.
	And I liked it!
	She was not circumcised, let me tell you.
	That scares me.
	And so three times that happened.
	You know what?
	Dude, Tyler, you gotta, I mean, I know you already know this.
	You gotta get the fuck out of here.
	You need to go on K-Gate.
	You gotta get out of here.
	Get out of here.
	No, no, get to Texas, I'm telling you.
	It'll save your life.
	This is not the place to go.
	But there's a lot of psychos there.
	Yeah, but they're women.
	There's a lot of psychos.
	But they have vaginas, and if you're gonna be crazy, you might as well have a vagina.
	Oh, yeah.
	You wanna go through that.
	Yeah, yeah.
	No, they're cool in Texas.
	Like, Austin's still kind of a shit-lib place a little bit, but they're better.
	We will.
	Not compared to this, man.
	No.
	And I'll tell you what, we'll vet them.
	This is a fuckin' purge.
	We'll bring them over, we'll have dinner, and we'll vet them.
	Oh my God, can we make a dating show called... God, I wish Hannah's sister was here.
	I wanted to do a dating show.
	Where Roseanne has to decide if the girl's too woke for me.
	That would be good.
	We could at least do a sketch.
	I'd ask her the greatest questions, too.
	Oh, well, we can film sketches out there.
	I need to compile.
	We need to do sketches.
	I'm telling you, once you get there, your life is going to change.
	No, I am waiting.
	This guy's telling me by the end of the week.
	You can stay with us in Blanco until you find a place.
	Yeah, you can stay with us.
	We would love it.
	We have a guest room, although we have a newborn coming.
	You might not like it.
	Oh, you won't want to stay.
	But no, you definitely... I know I don't.
	I promise you, when you get out there, it's gonna change.
	Here's another girl I met.
	You want me to just read this?
	Yeah, please.
	I mean, this is really... You wouldn't believe... I believe you.
	Let's hear it.
	I met this girl at the airport, and I asked her out.
	He talks to him in the wild.
	That's what he said.
	He talks to him in real life.
	So fucking weird.
	You got it, you know?
	Don't do that.
	She said, hi.
	Do you perform at 82 Stanton Street?
	And then she said, bro, should I do K tonight?
	It's a drug.
	Yeah.
	Mom's gonna ask you for her number next.
	Roseanne, what's your number?
	Room 14.
	No, she actually sounds cool though.
	No, I'm not even joking.
	It's not attractive, man.
	That's not attractive.
	I want a wife.
	This is not feminine stuff.
	I'm sorry.
	No, I'm with you.
	I get it.
	It's not much to be like- You want a loving, giving kind of- My life is crazy.
	You want a feminine wife.
	Fifteen hours a day, seven days a week.
	Again, I get the gay dad.
	I'm basically a chef who can clean and do laundry.
	I don't need a bitch in the kitchen, but I don't need this.
	There's a lot of success shaming now, where you're kind of fucked as a guy, where if you're not doing anything, you're shamed for being a loser.
	If you're successful, you're shamed for being part of this patriarchal, made-up structure.
	You can't win, in other words.
	You cannot win.
	It's hell here.
	I'm telling you, this is Manhattan.
	The shit you're feeling a lot, 95% of it is Manhattan.
	I promise you.
	It's going to be different.
	If you don't go to Texas, wherever you go, when you get around normal women, you're going to be like, holy fuck, what was I doing there in New York?
	I think it is very man-made in here.
	I've met some in Austin already, just on my short trip.
	They're amazing.
	Oh, cool.
	Let you at least have a chat.
	Yeah.
	It's so odd.
	And Austin's, like I said, Austin's liberal for Texas, but a liberal in Texas is conservative here.
	So even if you get the most lefty in Austin, you're still going to feel like, Oh my God, she lets, she's a, you know, traditional, she'd trad.
	And then they have, Everything to the right in Texas.
	I mean, there's full-on trad women there, man.
	I can't believe how the women are.
	I mean, it's really shocking to me.
	It's horrible.
	No, it fucked us up.
	I mean, I was raised by a feminist, too.
	I mean, it's horrible.
	I was so bitter.
	A powerful feminist, too.
	And they come up to me and they're like, these feminist women, they come up and they're like, you know what?
	Some of them, not all of them.
	Some of them get it, but they'll see.
	I'm going to have a little bit of this wine.
	I'm going to drink a little wine.
	Okay.
	They say like, you know, I am what I am because of you.
	You made me who I am.
	That's amazing.
	I go, don't blame me that you're a whore.
	Can we do that hidden camera and just sit on a street corner until we get that film?
	That is so funny.
	A lot of them.
	It happens a lot, I bet.
	I'm going to black out from this.
	Two hours I'm going to call my mom and be like, Rosanne thinks you're a fucking bitch.
	She thinks you should have done it.
	I'm so sorry for your childhood.
	It's horrible.
	It's worse than mine.
	It's like everybody had... This is why this identity stuff is so damaging.
	It's dangerous.
	It's Nazism.
	I can look at...
	You and go, oh, must've been great.
	And then I meet your mom and I go, are you okay?
	You're married to this lunatic?
	And everybody goes through crazy shit.
	No, that used to be my problem with the whole patriarchy.
	I used to fight with her when she was a lib because it was like, You wouldn't believe me and my son, the shit we went through.
	It's just so, it's like everyone wants to be validated at some level, right?
	We're all in pain in some level.
	So if it's like, oh, you don't get to be in pain because you're white.
	That's racist.
	That's horrible.
	I'll tell you one thing that happened between me and my son.
	Which one is this?
	I guess he's about, you, when you was about 14.
	Which is this though?
	I threw you up against the wall.
	It's never happened.
	No, you was 17.
	I want to hear this.
	You said you was going to go live with your dad and I threw you up against the wall.
	Remember that?
	No.
	Did you say something to him, or?
	I go, go ahead, bitch.
	I says, go right ahead, bitch.
	It's a freedom of speech.
	I says, go right ahead, bitch.
	Go live with your dad.
	But remember one thing, you're my son.
	That's what I says to him.
	Yeah, you must have went through a hell.
	Remember that?
	When did you get divorced?
	Which time?
	Mom?
	Get divorced?
	Or my first divorce?
	When did you guys get divorced?
	Oh, our divorce?
	No, no, when did you get divorced?
	We did get divorced for a while.
	But then I, because he married this one girl, and I had to break that marriage up.
	Yeah, she wasn't good.
	I wasn't having that.
	That's why I'm helping you, because I'm 10 years older than you, and you're like a little brother to me.
	See?
	Yeah, and so far, the date you liked was a woman doing ketamine in 10 minutes.
	No, that was me.
	No, no, that was me.
	Well, I mean, have fun.
	I did have fun on that ketamine.
	I don't think that's a wife material, but that sounds like fun.
	Coffee on a bench was fun for me.
	Okay, so you're at that, you want to settle down there.
	You're a fucking... No, but my life is an adventure.
	You're bigger than your dad.
	I'm flying around the world doing comedy, it's like...
	A girl's coming.
	You get to be a part of that.
	It's fun.
	It's really fun.
	Now wait a minute.
	Let's just cut right to the chase here.
	I know.
	You're talking to a Jewish grandmother.
	That means something in this world.
	Let's just cut right to it.
	What's your ideal girl?
	Let's make this happen, honey.
	Yeah.
	Who's your ideal girl?
	Well, because I'm not a super superficial cunt like most of these women on Instagram and Tinder, I don't, I don't have these superficial needs.
	What is your ideal partner?
	I'm asking you to say it.
	Speak it in manifest.
	Who is it?
	What is it?
	Who is she?
	Well, I'll just show you a picture of my mom.
	Ha ha!
	No, come on.
	Who is, what is it?
	What does she look like?
	Men and women like... No!
	Just tell me!
	Look, look at me in my face!
	Well, it's like... Well, look at me in my face right now!
	So, this is when I use my defense mode and I do... Look me in my eyes!
	Right?
	Oh, you want me to do Bill Burr?
	Shut up, you fucking cunt!
	Right?
	Look me right in my eyes!
	I want somebody who doesn't watch Oprah, right?
	Right.
	I want a woman who is a woman who identifies as a woman Who does not put pronouns in their bio to pander to .002% of the population, which demeans the strength and power of women.
	So you want a free thinker.
	A free thinker, right?
	And you want someone who is kind.
	Well, kind is... See, this is what I used to fall for, is kindness.
	No, kind to you.
	Yeah, kind to me, but that could also mean... Appreciates your talent.
	Appreciates my talent.
	Supportive of your talent.
	What do you mean by feminine qualities?
	does help, Tyler. What she's doing does help. I'm not joking.
	I know. Yeah. It's focus. And has feminine qualities, you know.
	And by feminine you mean? A vagina. It's 2024.
	What do you mean by feminine qualities? I think a woman can carry herself in a feminine
	way. And that means what?
	Traditional.
	Just say it.
	Just define it.
	What does it mean to you?
	Okay, I'll give you an example.
	Like I went on a date recently and the girl had like baggy clothes on and it kind of looked like a man and it was a turn-off.
	Schwampy.
	Yeah, and then I had a date with a older woman and she was 43.
	Happened to be married, I found out.
	Again, this city's insane.
	It's just like... Yeah.
	Dishonest.
	But she was...
	She looked like a woman.
	She was dressed beautifully.
	You want feminine, Mom.
	Yeah, and I'm not saying like... You're talking about, okay, you want somebody sophisticated who knows how to dress.
	Well, keep in mind, I grew up around drag queens.
	I grew up around drag queens, so I'm used to a woman in makeup and lipstick and like...
	Really though, I grew up at drag shows and in Broadway, you know, that's your first problem And so first of all, you're gonna blame my patriarchal dad who is gay as fuck.
	So good luck pinning me on that one Yeah, you want a and we're gonna help you focus because this is this will help you meet someone you want Listen, you're all over the place and I'm gonna help you first of all, let me tell him.
	Yeah, what is what is your sign, hon?
	What's your birthday?
	Don't, don't do that.
	It works.
	Don't judge us.
	We're doing signs?
	Yeah.
	What's your birthday?
	He does a whole bit on this.
	I do it my own way.
	What day were you born?
	Just try it.
	I would like to meet a woman who does not ask me my birthday.
	No, no, no.
	Icees.
	Huh?
	Of course you are.
	Of course.
	Birthday.
	Of course you know.
	Every fucking person.
	Now what is your birthday?
	March 14th.
	I knew it.
	March 14th?
	No.
	When?
	February 28th.
	Leap year?
	March 14th? No. When? February 28th.
	Leap year? No.
	No.
	There's 28 days in February.
	29th is the leap year.
	Okay.
	But I wasn't even born on a leap year, so it wasn't even a close call.
	No one understands that.
	I don't understand.
	I thought February was 27 days.
	I'm wrong then.
	Somebody who was born in December, but on a leap year, could be closer to being a leap year baby than me.
	Okay, forget that.
	Scrub, scrub, scrub.
	Okay, Pisces.
	Don't edit this out, making her look like a fucking idiot.
	Shut the fuck up.
	Pisces.
	So he should be with the... No, I'm not gonna say... I'm not putting no ideas in it.
	I'm just asking.
	He's a water sign.
	To absorb, yeah.
	Water sign.
	And I do like... I do like the ocean.
	I like the water.
	I want to be near a river.
	That's not what it means.
	That's not what it means.
	I know, but that's just something you should know about.
	It means you're a big softie.
	You probably watch Terms of Endearment and cry.
	You know what I cried during?
	What?
	Sully.
	Yeah, I cried at Rudy.
	Sully, Sully, Sully Sullivan.
	That was the mom stuff.
	What's that?
	I've never seen that.
	He landed a plane in a river.
	Here in New York, the pilot.
	Tom Hanks played him.
	Remember?
	Oh!
	I can't watch anything with Tom Hanks.
	You would love Rudy.
	Not since he played that football where he had that love scene.
	Short shamer.
	Listen, Tom Hanks said that.
	Small lives matter, you fuck.
	Can I say something?
	You always say something.
	I haven't watched a Tom Hanks movie since he did that love scene with the football.
	The volleyball.
	When I found out he was a baby eater, I stopped supporting him.
	Whatever.
	No, you know when I stopped watching him?
	What?
	When he said that if you're not gay, you shouldn't be allowed to play gay roles, and he regrets
	playing that guy with the AIDS butthole.
	I know.
	You know why I say AIDS butthole?
	It's because of the AIDS... Did you guys see the AIDS statue in Palm Springs?
	Uh-uh.
	No.
	Oh, fuck me.
	Look it up.
	What?
	I love his son, Chet, though.
	This is what happens when mentally ill people run the country.
	Chet is the greatest thing that ever happened to Tom Hanks.
	I can't believe this.
	We want Chet on.
	We love Chet.
	We're gonna have Chet.
	He's a marina.
	This is a real story, and this is what happens, again, when you let mentally ill people run the country unchecked.
	But they never let me, and I'm the most mentally ill.
	They don't let me anywhere near the levers of power, and I'm more mentally ill than all of them put together.
	Keep in mind, this is News Channel 3.
	This is a local story, okay?
	Palm Springs, California, they're building a memorial for everyone who died of AIDS, and the statue was going to be of a giant butthole, and it was a gaping butthole.
	What?
	Yes, because that's where you get AIDS, so your butthole.
	This is real.
	I believe you.
	And there's two buttholes.
	One was super fucked up and sloppy, and one was a little more artistic.
	Virginal.
	And I go around the country asking crowds of people if they heard this, because it's so crazy to me.
	But nobody would challenge it because you can't.
	That would be homophobic or whatever.
	See, this is what happens when you... Is this real?
	Yeah, look, he's showing you a picture.
	It's real and there's local news stories.
	But they don't say it's a butthole.
	They just say it's like an art piece, right?
	No, it's supposed to look like a butthole.
	They actually say that?
	Yes.
	Wow.
	It has like... I mean, it's a butthole.
	Yeah, I believe that.
	I thought they would hide that.
	Oh, because that's where you get AIDS.
	It's where you get the AIDS, through the butthole.
	And I propose... Well, a lot of people get it from...
	You know, intravenous drugs, drug addiction, a lot of people get it from shooting up drugs, or organ transplants, or eating human organs.
	A lot of people got it from that.
	Okay, so how about this, Roseanne?
	I proposed that they should do the giant AIDS butthole, but above it should be a Dr. Fauci statue, and he's got a big vaccine dick, and he's fucking the AIDS butthole with a COVID vaccine.
	I like it, but he killed both vaccines.
	Yeah, he killed a lot of people.
	Well, he did create the AIDS virus, they say.
	Roseanne, you gotta get your AIDS, COVID, flu booster shots.
	It's a three-in-one in case a trans person from Wuhan fucks you in your asshole.
	It protects you from all three AIDS, COVID, and the flu.
	You can get that at CVS and get boosted.
	Wait, where did he go?
	I haven't heard of Fauci.
	No, but Jack said they executed him at Guantanamo Bay.
	I'm telling you, you gotta go to realrawnews.com.
	The Roseanne Barr podcast.
	It's my favorite podcast.
	It's true.
	How did he get away with that, Roseanne?
	I don't know.
	They said they executed Fauci at Guantanamo Bay along with Garland Testy or whatever his name is.
	What's his name?
	I don't know.
	Merrick Garland?
	Jeff Garland.
	Merrick Garland.
	Merrick Garland.
	Wait, hold on.
	We were setting him up.
	Fauci is dead and a motherfucker.
	Jag killed him after his military.
	The war in Ukraine killed him.
	Military tribunals at Guantanamo Bay and then Jag executes him as they say they did.
	Hillary, Obama.
	That's one theory.
	A lot of people are clicking the dial here.
	That's what they say on RealRawNews.com.
	They do!
	Wait, what did you hear about Fauci?
	He invented AIDS and then he went...
	Held the cure from the people who are dying.
	I don't know if he invented it.
	He did.
	And then he experimented on little tiny puppies heads till they died and black orphans in Harlem.
	That is all true.
	He's a fucking Nazi motherfucker, Fauci.
	He's an actual evil scientist.
	Yeah, he's Mengele.
	It's one of those things.
	I don't believe that we're in a simulation, but the Fauci thing makes me go, how did he do that during the AIDS thing?
	Survive it, come back, and then push this vaccine and destroy so many people's lives.
	Yeah.
	So many families.
	You know how he did it?
	They did it with the Donahue show, I figured it out.
	That fucking Phil Donahue.
	You're too young.
	You don't remember Phil Donahue.
	With the AIDS or the COVID?
	Probably both.
	All of it.
	All the vaccines.
	They started to market Intellectual news shows to women, middle class women, and it was a real MKUltra thing because the things that they did tell us kind of hid the other things they were doing.
	So it was always a twofer.
	The thing they were doing versus the thing they were showing.
	Sure.
	But in the declassified documents, it always showed both.
	I could see that because daytime talk is tailored to women.
	The view is nothing but a bunch of harpies and witches.
	They're nothing but a bunch of satanic witches.
	I know they're witches because I was a witch when I was a leftist and I went to all the covens with all them bitches.
	Yeah, no, it is witchcraft all day long.
	They're witches and they do spells and they sacrifice people.
	They do and they fuck each other.
	Yeah, they're not fucking us.
	I'll tell you that much.
	They're not going to fuck me.
	They tried.
	But wait, hold on a second.
	They're not going to fuck me.
	I tell them I'm not going to fuck any of you bitches.
	What were you saying, Tyler?
	That's what I said.
	Russia, Ukraine, that ended COVID.
	Yeah.
	That was a hotter, COVID lost steam.
	That was a hotter story in the media and they took it.
	And Kobe was gone.
	So Fauci's still alive, he just, no one gives a shit about him, right?
	Yeah, he's still, I think he still works for, he's still getting paid.
	I don't know, I just said, where'd he go?
	He's been, he's been executed.
	That's what it says.
	Jag executed him.
	He's either been executed or he's still alive and probably making 200k per talk at a Hunter Press College or, you know, he's probably worth a hundred million.
	If you're a real trumper.
	I don't call myself a trumper.
	Okay, then don't.
	But if you are, you follow, Oh God, here we go.
	Jake don't want me to even go into it.
	This podcast is successful despite my mother.
	Okay!
	Pass!
	I'm just kidding.
	I'll talk about anything.
	We love all of it.
	I just like to offer an alternative that is not true.
	I just like to entertain various ideas that could possibly be true or not.
	No, be open to everything, but also... I like to entertain the ideas.
	And I like to hear them.
	Right, they're interesting.
	I like to hear them.
	Hold on, we were setting him up with someone.
	We had to get back to that, and then we gotta wrap this up.
	Oh, we need to set him up again.
	We went from Find Me Love to talking about QAnon.
	That's the Welcome to Roseanne Barr podcast.
	So you need to focus on what you want.
	We need to fix him up with something.
	Well, you were telling him, focus.
	I'm actually quite... You're too shotgun blessed.
	What does she look like?
	How tall is she?
	He doesn't care.
	Okay, don't care.
	She can't be fat though, right?
	Visualize her.
	Visualize her.
	What does she look like?
	Mom.
	Visualize what you want.
	Visualize it in your mind.
	She was in the limo when I did EMDR.
	Like I said, it looked like a little bit like your wife.
	And that's a compliment.
	No, my wife's gorgeous.
	Dark hair.
	All right, I'm going to set you up with my wife.
	I would love it if you set me up with your wife.
	Dark hair.
	I think that's what we're aiming at.
	We're talking about dark hair.
	I don't care about the hair color.
	You don't care about color?
	I don't care about the height.
	The weight thing is more of a health thing.
	I like curves.
	You do like curves?
	You just like a curving average.
	I love curves.
	Would you be with Lizzo if she was your soulmate?
	You could do it?
	Be honest, please.
	I'm the size of her flute when she's holding it.
	That's what I'm saying.
	You could do it, like you could get aroused for Lizzo if you loved her.
	She could keep me in one of her folds, literally.
	No, no one could.
	See, I couldn't get aroused for Lizzo.
	I couldn't do it.
	But I mean, poor Lizzo, I wish she could just get the fobey pouch like I did Jake.
	I know, you need to get another one.
	It's time for an update.
	It's been too long.
	What did you get, a pouch?
	She got her stomach stapled.
	She really did.
	And then I was able to eat over it.
	I think you got it paper clipped because it fucking popped out.
	Look it!
	Then I was able to eat over it and gain almost nothing back.
	It's like a miracle of modern science.
	Well, you have to update it every few years.
	Bigger staples next time.
	Okay, so brunette, you don't care about height, weight.
	I don't care.
	I don't buy the weight thing.
	I don't believe anything you're saying.
	You're not being real.
	He's not, be honest.
	I'm gonna read his mind.
	He's a Pisces.
	I like a voluptuous woman.
	He likes a voluptuous woman.
	No, he likes a Hispanic woman.
	Look, I bet you like Hispanics.
	Yeah, I'm open to Hispanics.
	He's saying he doesn't have a type.
	I'm open to all across survivors.
	I'm open to anything.
	It's a height-waist ratio, biologically.
	Well, Hispanics are curvy.
	When you say voluptuous, please.
	Yeah, what does he mean by that?
	What do you mean by voluptuous?
	When a woman looks at a man, she's looking, can he protect me?
	When a man looks at a woman, he says, Can she bear my children?
	That's true.
	You want the wide hips.
	They want the wide hips.
	The child-bearing hips.
	Waist to hip ratio.
	You don't want an injected ass, right?
	You might go for that.
	No, I want it to be natural, but I like butts.
	Could be Jewish, could be Greek.
	You're a butt guy.
	I'm a butt guy.
	I would go butt over boobs.
	Me too.
	Butt over boobs, okay.
	Butt over boobs and face and personality.
	Butt number one.
	Exactly.
	That reminds me of a New York cab driver one time.
	I'm going up on the women, basically.
	I like that you both just keep talking.
	It's the only podcast where the host interrupts the guest.
	You know, I'll tell you what.
	I love a woman.
	if a woman she can have the biggest butt and the best smile in the world but if she
	that's so funny but if she doesn't have a good sense of humor i'm not gonna like her
	What a prince.
	I just love that.
	The biggest butt.
	This episode is brought to you by ExpressVPN.
	Use code FATASS for a 15% off.
	I think I'm going to set you up with someone.
	I think I have an idea of who.
	Who?
	I'm not going to say it because I'm not editing this episode.
	It's probably a relative with your sick situation.
	No, it's not.
	I would never do that to you.
	I like you too much.
	Listen, I say this like in my act, but nobody gets it.
	I want to see you live so bad.
	Okay.
	That would have been fun if we walked to a comedy club right now.
	She would.
	I'll go with you when you come to, what's it?
	Mothership.
	Yeah, we'll go out.
	I'm doing a full weekend there.
	You need to get back on the horse.
	I'm doing a full weekend.
	You want to pop in as a surprise?
	Oh, hell yeah.
	I'd love to.
	When are you doing it?
	In June.
	That's right.
	Will you guys be there?
	I'll be there, yeah.
	She keeps trying to go to Hawaii, so I gotta keep her in Texas.
	I think if you come in June, that'll buy me another month there.
	If he comes, I'll stay.
	I'd have you on it as a surprise, and the crowd is gonna lose their fucking mind.
	They love her.
	Even when she bombed that night, they still loved her.
	Well, I did something wrong, because at the end, I was okay till the end, where I just had this feeling, and I just started preaching.
	I started preaching from Torah, and then after, I was like, you are always in, what's the word?
	I'm doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, and I start beating myself up.
	Why do you always have to do the wrong thing in the wrong place at the wrong time?
	You don't preach Torah in a goddamn comedy club bar, and then you do this at the wrong place.
	That could be funny, though.
	You have a little sabotage thing.
	I just want to stay in the right place at the right time, and it's hard for me.
	Sure.
	Because I always want to go, hey, fuck you!
	Well, I struggle with, because again, what I went through was on a micro level compared to you, but everything's relative, right?
	As far as like the public shaming and the people calling you racist and all that stuff.
	Yeah, God.
	It really fucks you up.
	So I'm in this thing where like now I go out and I do my shows and these are just fans and it's a love fest and I have to make, I gotta go get the wall down because sometimes I'll go at it a little hard Cause I'm used to having the guns up.
	Which can be useful because even your own fans might heckle or say stupid shit and you gotta be able to do it.
	Have you performed at the Mothership?
	Yeah, so I went out there just to try to get in there.
	I kind of started over.
	I did what I did here, and I was like, I'm going to go and hang out, and I got on the crew show and did the five minutes, and then I just kept going.
	I invested like $15,000 just in being there over a bunch of trips.
	There was something in me that was like, just don't fly back to New York.
	Go there.
	Just be there.
	And then the Booker saw me and then offered me the weekend there.
	Wow.
	You did well.
	Awesome.
	I think you're great, man.
	Well, coming from New York to bring that act where it's war every night.
	I mean, even at the Cellar, man, it's like sometimes they hijack the show.
	Yeah.
	If it's three in the morning.
	No, I've seen you deal with it.
	What do you mean?
	Oh, they'll heckle him.
	He gets heckled.
	What do you mean?
	Well, at three in the morning at the cellar, and it's not, you know, it's not their fault.
	It's 3 a.m.
	and everyone is halfway to blackout drunk.
	Yeah.
	You'd have to throw everybody out.
	So I like that actually.
	I do too.
	But it is, it's, it's like a, it's war.
	And I do the, they give me the last spot on the last show now.
	So you mean it's a lot of people yelling out shit, heckling?
	Oh, yelling, getting up, walking on stage.
	It teaches you, right?
	Yeah.
	I never get mad at the crowd.
	It's like being on this podcast with my mom.
	Yeah, it teaches you to never do it again.
	When I started on my shit, you know... How old were you when you started stand-up?
	Oh my gosh.
	And it was so good.
	Can I just tell you this one last thing?
	Because when I was unemployed and I'm on the couch and depressed, I started watching your clips from Carson.
	Oh.
	And then I started watching the stuff you were going through.
	And I had an idea in my head.
	I go, you know what would be crazy?
	I saw a photo of you, and you don't look exactly like my mom, but I go, What a fun movie script where my mom loses her mind and I have to take her on tour with me.
	And I thought of you.
	And it was like the next day I met you at the comedy cellar.
	So I was really holding in my like, holy shit.
	And I know Jim Brewer took his dad on the road.
	He did?
	And I found that out after.
	I didn't know he did.
	He did.
	But the movie would be like trying to keep my mom from killing herself while I'm on my first ever comedy tour.
	That's amazing.
	That's so amazing.
	Could we do that with your real mom?
	Yeah.
	I did.
	I kind of did that.
	Did you bring her?
	In a way, well.
	I'd love it.
	I was going home in between.
	If you ride it, I'll do it.
	I was going to the psych ward and driving back to New York doing a show.
	But I had that idea, and then there you were in the club, and I just thought, man, that is fucking crazy.
	I think we should do this.
	I think we should do this.
	I would do it.
	That's a great idea.
	I mean, I already found a different actress.
	Who is it?
	Lizzo.
	That fucking Lizzo, though.
	I'll tell you what.
	I'll tell you what.
	I'm the one that wants...
	Bitch, I'm the one that went out there to everybody, and I had to take all the shit.
	Where they was going, that fat cow, that fat bitch, that fat cunt, that fat Jewish whore.
	And that was all just your husband.
	Okay, yeah.
	That was just a TSA.
	I took that in all the press too!
	And from my husband.
	Okay, I took all that pet shaming.
	You did?
	Okay, but I would say, fuck you, you know?
	And here come Lizzo, 40 years later, going like, I'm breaking all the bounds for the big woman.
	Fuck you, I did it, you fucking fat ass whore.
	You fat cunt.
	I didn't ask anybody to shove a banana up their cunt and eat it out by the goddamn Filipinos in the bottom of the cruise lines.
	Yeah, you use lobster rolls.
	We got lobster rolls planted around this place like the goddamn CIA is bugging the place.
	Let's get on that.
	But you should be actually happy for Lizzo that you paved the way for her, actually.
	Now I think about it.
	Well, she should say thank you, Roseanne.
	Yeah, she should.
	You know, none of these black people will come on my fucking show.
	Alright, that's time to wrap up.
	Racist fucking cunts.
	We get black people on this show.
	I know, I'm just kidding.
	We've had one or two.
	No, we've had several.
	We had Monique and Candace.
	We had a lot.
	And I think that's... I was on Dr. Phil with Candace for my, um, when I sued this company for discrimination.
	Who'd you sue?
	I don't know.
	Oh, I'm in a lawsuit.
	Two years I've been in a lawsuit.
	He probably can't talk about it.
	Well, I was canceled for being white.
	They quite literally took my career.
	Is this real?
	Yeah, this is 100% real.
	He can't say.
	Well, no, I can say.
	Many, many places.
	It was the second The first wave of the BLM stuff?
	Yeah.
	In New York City, it became quite common and almost celebrated to announce, you know, we don't want white people.
	Right.
	Comedy shows and stuff.
	I remember the first time I heard it, someone goes, yo, there's too many white people on it.
	And I go, yo, what does that mean?
	Wait, that's not, that's not nice to say.
	Oh, my God.
	Not comic.
	Oh, it's, no.
	He's in Manhattan, man.
	He's been in the fucking belly of the beast.
	You wouldn't believe it.
	You wouldn't believe it.
	I was removed from podcasts from friends of mine.
	And by the way, this is like the third podcast I've ever done.
	Nobody will have me on, which is, I sound like Trump.
	Nobody will have me on.
	Well, now that you've been on, I can understand why.
	Yeah, but this is me through the ringer.
	I used to be very... Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
	I was like the perfect guest.
	That's so not the way comedy is.
	That's fascism.
	That ain't comedy.
	I got a text from a girl who's now famous, and I won't say her name because I'm not even gonna give her the pleasure.
	She texted me, she said, I have to remove you from the podcast invite because I can't have white men on.
	Fuck her.
	And then it happened again.
	And then my agent said, too tough for white guys and fired me.
	And then this eight, so I quit, I lost my fucking mind.
	Oh my God, it's horrible.
	And everyone knows this is happening by the way.
	And then, you know, COVID hits or whatever.
	I start making videos and I'm like getting a little confidence back and This agent or manager reaches out and he goes, I've been following you for years.
	You should be on SNL, the whole thing, the whole spiel, which I'm sure you got a lot when you were younger.
	When I was alive.
	When you're alive.
	When you're funny.
	And then he said, something happened, whatever.
	I can't say what it is.
	That's crazy.
	And I waited for seven months.
	Oh my God.
	Seven months just praying.
	I've been doing this since I was 17.
	I put my whole life into it.
	So that's 20 years.
	And then I said, just tell me the truth.
	I said, just tell me the truth.
	And he called me and I thought he was going to say, we're ready to work with you.
	And he said, we have a problem.
	We can't Represent you because you're a white guy.
	Jesus Christ.
	And this had been happening for seven years.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	And I was such a fucking liberal woke cuck that I just would put my own dick up my ass.
	And so my therapist had been training me for a couple years to get this stuff on the record.
	Oh good.
	So sometimes I would go to do it and I wouldn't and I, you know, I would screenshot and I delete it.
	I'm sitting at my podcast gear.
	And I just hit record.
	I put the phone on speaker and I said, did you just say the only reason you can't hire me is because I'm a white guy?
	And he's like, yup.
	And I said, is that company policy?
	And he goes, yeah.
	He recorded the call with an agent.
	He claims turned him down for being white, so let's listen to the call.
	Is it a policy, like, explicit that they're not taking on any, like, white men, or is it, like, case by case?
	Okay, so no, so no white men are allowed for on-camera stuff.
	What do we do about heart surgeons, airplane pilots?
	Like, how far do we want to go with this?
	Do you want the best heart surgeon, or do you want somebody who you think may have had it bad as a kid, or maybe their great-great-grandfather?
	This is what we're looking for.
	What do we do about heart surgeons, airplane pilots?
	Like, how far do we want to go with this?
	Do you want the best heart surgeon, or do you want somebody who you think
	may have had it bad as a kid, or maybe their great-great-grandfather?
	I mean, this is ridiculous.
	And I was like, I went in my room and I just tore up my room.
	I just like, I put my dog in my living room.
	I went in my bedroom and I just started like smashing stuff.
	Cause I was like, how is this fucking happening in this country?
	And nobody has the balls to even say that it's not right.
	No, they want you to feel that way.
	Yeah, it works.
	They're like karma.
	It nearly took me out.
	You know, it was like that.
	I spent like two years like a homeless person in the park just talking to myself.
	I go, oh, that's what happens!
	I was like that too.
	Fucking stupid white!
	You know, I'm like that now.
	After they did what they did to me.
	Oh, I can't imagine.
	I felt like they were trying to make me kill myself.
	Because they killed my character.
	And their message was racist.
	It is a murder.
	It's a murder.
	Racist after a lifetime of being a child of Holocaust survivors that fought for civil rights.
	Then call me a racist, those motherfuckers.
	After everything I did to confront race on my show, which they said, no, you can't.
	Then they turn around and say, racist, those fuckers.
	But they don't even get it.
	I wouldn't even give them the credit of them thinking you'd kill yourself.
	I think they're so disturbing and brainwashed and tyrannical and fascist that They don't even care.
	I think it's even worse.
	I think so too.
	That they actually don't care.
	They don't care.
	This guy kind of giggled as he said it, as to be like, it's just not your time.
	Like you were born in the wrong time.
	And I was like, how sick to say that out loud.
	Yeah, because it's like they hate talent.
	That's number one.
	They hate talent and they hate thinkers.
	And boy, they hate thinkers with talent.
	And white men.
	With big intact dicks.
	And they hate art.
	Yeah.
	And that's a talent manager.
	And they hate dissent.
	It's a talent manager too.
	Yeah, they're all a bunch of freaks.
	How's the lawsuit going?
	Have you ever noticed that there are guys that never get laid in high school?
	I should hire your mom as my lawyer.
	Imagine if Roseanne walks into the fucking courtroom.
	Do you have any idea... You fat fucking cunts!
	Do you have any idea how many lawsuits I've...
	I wanna sue everybody!
	I wanted to get in on that because Elon Musk says he's gonna pay, but he didn't respond.
	I do.
	I want to get in on that because Elon Musk says he's going to pay, but he didn't respond.
	I'm trying to get on it too.
	I've been like, hey, that's a class action.
	We should all get, it should be a class action.
	Absolutely.
	Right now I'm doing like a pro bono lawyer.
	So it's like, I can't really like call him.
	I can't get in.
	That's just how it is.
	But the lawsuit's continuing?
	You're in the process?
	It's been years and we just got the deposition stuff.
	I believe I got the questions that their lawyer can use against me.
	Isn't that cool that you got a pro bono lawyer?
	I mean, I really have to applaud that.
	One in the country.
	In the country.
	That's one I could get.
	I mean, maybe if I had the following I had now, but this was when I had no following and I just went on Instagram like, hey, I was just, you know, denied work for being white.
	I recorded it and it took a while and I got one Yeah, because that's illegal.
	This is a very important lawsuit.
	It's a civil rights lawsuit.
	It's a class action lawsuit.
	And nobody cares because you're white.
	They're like, you have privilege.
	Well, that was the thing.
	It's like when I kind of announced it on Twitter just because I needed to get out.
	What do you think of Elon Musk?
	Well, there's a little bit on the spectrum.
	He's pretty cool.
	Well, he's removing a lot of important parts of the cost where he's taking away the door handles.
	Jake, we don't need the door handles anymore because we'll save about $8 per call.
	So, um, it's pretty cool.
	Pretty cool.
	I think Elon is, uh, is important for free speech and, but he's, you know, he's, uh, he's got that mind that's like us where he just, not to say I'm as smart as him, but that He's out there, yeah.
	It's just going.
	And so you have to understand that about him and go, of course he's going to.
	He's a thinker for sure.
	And he's going to take major risks.
	For the sake of freedom.
	But he also fucking earned it.
	It's his money and it's his mind and body that is taking the risk.
	He doesn't do these without consequence.
	No, he doesn't.
	Imagine there was 5,000 people in the room next door dependent on this going well and working properly.
	You wouldn't sleep at night.
	People think they can manage companies and run things, run the NYPD how it should be run.
	Yeah, go manage tens of thousands of people who are getting shot at.
	I actually had that thought today when I was walking down the streets here in New York.
	about um how kind of miraculous it is that more shit doesn't go wrong yeah you know that like more people aren't crashing into walls and friggin more shit ain't on fire you know bikes cars plane i mean like yeah yeah it's pretty amazing that it keeps together as well as it does with All the idiots involved, and drunkards, and drug addicts, and fucking crazy asses.
	But we are on that real tightrope where we're giving the power to homeless, drug addicts, and illegal immigrants.
	And people are starting to, I think that's going to shift a lot of left people to the middle.
	I think it needs to, and I hope it does.
	It has to.
	It is, but that's why Giuliani got into power.
	There was a Democrat before Giuliani.
	There was a Democrat before that.
	It's like two Democrats, two Republicans.
	It just goes like this.
	Well, you know, my friend was Gore Vidal.
	Do you know who he was?
	No.
	Yeah, he was quite a great writer, a very good friend.
	And he had written a book about America, and he said, you know, there's not two parties.
	There's only one party, and it's the money party.
	And, you know, it puts a Democrat in for a while till the people get tired, and they say, Throw the bums out.
	So then they put a Republican in the window till the people get tired of being ripped off.
	And then they say, throw the bums out.
	So they put a Democrat back in the window till the people get tired of getting ripped off.
	And they put a mentally retarded mayor in charge.
	Yeah.
	It's just all to rip off taxpayers and to take more and more rights away from the voters and the tax base.
	I'd say the city was objectively better with Giuliani.
	A thousand percent.
	But we interviewed Rudy and, you know, we, well, indelibly have... I would put him back as mayor today.
	Yeah, we have it indelibly etched in our mind 9-1-1 and Rudy, America's mayor, whatever he did after that day of crisis, he was America's mayor, you know?
	But even before then, he cleaned up the city.
	Man, this city was like, before Giuliani, it was like how it is now.
	I was thinking that today when I walked through, I was like, this feels like New York Creed Giuliani.
	It's about exactly the same.
	I think it's going to surpass it.
	It is.
	Because again, you can't just put armed guards in the subway.
	Like, it's like, yeah, you can't have a gun, but you can have your penis out open carry and people are walking.
	And it's like, you think the homeless people give a shit about a national guard?
	No.
	And you can't defend mom.
	I don't want to get into it.
	I was thinking today, cause I, you know, I'm crazy.
	I'm like, what if someone attacks my mom and I got to handle myself like I'm scared here
	Like if I fucking rear naked choke a guy out like I'm going to prison
	Yeah here like it's I don't feel safe here in any level the guy Patrick or something. Yeah, yeah Neely or whatever
	Yeah, yeah, I was trying to Michael Jackson Impersonator who who is I used to see him on the subway. Oh
	Oh, really?
	He was not a good Michael Jackson impersonator.
	He wasn't funny at all.
	But he was arrested once for trying to kidnap a seven-year-old boy, and I was like, actually a pretty good Michael Jackson.
	That's true.
	That's true.
	I was like, maybe he's the best.
	The Daniel Day-Lewis of Michael Jackson.
	But he really did.
	And you look at his history, and this guy was a total sicko and a pedophile and all that shit.
	And it's like, discredited.
	Military white guy kills, you know, murders black guy.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, their narrative, they're so embedded.
	You know what sucks?
	That Michael Jackson died when he was white because we have to pay the bill for all his sick shit.
	That is true.
	That's shitty timing.
	Well, how about all the rapists that say they're women?
	And then they say women are rapists.
	Hey, Karen, nice to meet you.
	No, but I'm telling you.
	No, I know.
	They go to women's prison, then they rape all the women in there too and impregnate them because they're women.
	Women can impregnate other women.
	You know that.
	They're fucking all nuts.
	I can't wait till they drop the age bomb on the whole fucking planet.
	I can't fucking wait.
	Well, they kind of are.
	This is a slow suicide.
	It is.
	When you have over 50% of women not having kids.
	Yeah.
	And that's what happened in Japan.
	Look at Japan right now.
	They're in a literal crisis.
	You die.
	You can't keep up with the supply.
	They did it on purpose.
	Of course they did, but we're doing it.
	I don't know if it's on purpose.
	It is.
	I think enough people were brainwashed.
	They need to depopulate.
	You don't think it's just a moral superiority that's gotten out of hand to go, look at me.
	I don't need a man.
	I don't need to date.
	I don't need to have kids because it's bad for the planet.
	They're so fucking dumb.
	They're not thinking that if you drop 50% you actually can't operate the country and then you just die or China can now overpower us.
	Which they are.
	Yeah.
	Because they're in our phone.
	Killing us on TikTok.
	As my Uncle Larry said when I was but seven years old, my Uncle Larry was a lifer in the army, which was strange for Jewish people.
	Not as strange as you might think.
	But my Uncle Larry said to all of us Jewish children there on Passover, he said, you Jewish kids, if you mind your P's and Q's, when you grow up, you might be lucky enough To get jobs as gardeners for the Chinese.
	Wow.
	That's what he said when I was little, and I'm like, God damn, he was totally right.
	Well, instead of gardening, it's you doing, you know, dances on TikTok.
	I mean, that all is empowering the Chinese.
	Yeah.
	Right?
	They're emasculating boys and men, and they're turning women into men, and they're sexualizing girls, and everything is pornographic.
	Even Instagram is so pornographic.
	I'm going to fix it.
	I told Jake and all these people, I'm going to fix it.
	You're going to kill the Chinese?
	I'm going to fix this whole porno industry.
	By doing porn.
	Yep.
	Right, Jake?
	I'm starting my own only thing.
	I'll do it with you!
	That's gonna fuckin' take this shit out.
	I think you might.
	If someone accidentally stumbled on one of your videos, they might never research porn again.
	That's right.
	They'll black that shit out as fast as if I put on a hijab.
	We'll do it.
	Roseanne Barr rapes Peter Dinklage.
	Who's that?
	Good save.
	Game of Thrones, he's a... Oh, he's a good actor, isn't he?
	little person from Game of Thrones.
	Game of Thrones, he's a...
	I have a joke.
	Oh, he's a good actor, isn't he?
	Brilliant.
	He's a great actor.
	God, he's a great actor.
	Brilliant.
	But he kind of fucked the little people, some, I don't like to say community, I think if
	you're an adult who claims to be in a community, you're a child.
	You're fucked up.
	If your community's not your family and some friends, well said.
	It's really sick.
	Isn't that right?
	There's no gay community.
	Well, I guess there's a gay community.
	Yeah.
	I guess there's a Jewish community.
	Well, this came up at my Short Kings community meeting the other day.
	I get it.
	I'm in a fat Jew bitch community.
	You're the entire community.
	He said that.
	So you remember Wizard of Oz?
	Yeah, I played the Wicked Witch in that.
	No, the Seven Dwarfs.
	Snow White.
	Did you see how they leaked some stuff about it?
	And it was very anti-family, anti-man.
	So, there was some stuff leaked from it.
	From what?
	From the remake.
	From the remake, and I believe... Of what?
	Snow White.
	Snow White.
	They're remaking it, like a live action.
	They remake it all the time.
	Yeah, yeah.
	So like, you know, Snow White's like a Native American, or, you know, she's not white anymore, and that's fine, but Peter Dinklage said that the Dwarfs shouldn't be Dwarfs.
	Yeah.
	And this whole group of Dwarf actors, I don't want to speak for all of them, were really pissed, because they're like, we have a limited batch of roles.
	Right.
	And so it was leaked that they hired, like, some were animation, some were tall, and Peter Dinklage kind of backed that.
	There was this whole kind of backfire.
	So he's a turncoat?
	They've turned on him now?
	Yes.
	Jesus.
	Well, the one with- I don't want to say all of them because I don't want to say- What is he trying to say with that?
	What does he do?
	I say the way America works is everybody has to turn on the people who look like them to make it.
	It's tokenism.
	You have to be the, yeah, it's the, oh, it's so sickening.
	I always say to my crowd and I walk out and I go, It looks like January 5th in here.
	What does that mean?
	Like we're all preparing to storm the Capitol.
	They love it, though.
	I don't even get that January 6th thing.
	Well, like, I say that I have resting January 6th face.
	Yeah, it's one of my favorite things.
	It's like how people will just, they'll profile you and go, well, white man, beard and a red hat.
	He's a Trumpy.
	Oh, a red hat.
	Yeah, I know the red hat.
	So I tell my crowd it looks like January 5th.
	Like we're all at a meeting, kind of planning.
	You know?
	I don't even get anything that media's doing to us except for knowing that they're lying about every goddamn thing.
	Well, don't you think, or do you think rather... I just know everything's a lie.
	...that the media's become so watered down because of social media that they just have to polarize everything, and it's money.
	It comes down to money.
	That's actually a really good point.
	It's like, look at what does well.
	It's, you know, it's compilations of Joe Rogan.
	Using the n-word because he was quoting something where it was, which I still think is ridiculous that, you know, he got so much heat for that.
	So the media has to do that.
	They have to find these stories.
	Joe Rogan's on horse pills.
	Everything is polarized.
	Because they're dying.
	The media is dying.
	I never thought about that.
	That's true.
	They've got to get the clicks, right?
	Yeah.
	I mean, we knew that.
	Everything's going to be sensational.
	That's why Gutfeld is the number one comedy show.
	I know.
	I want to talk to him about that.
	If you told me that Fox News would be the number one comedy show in the number one free
	speech comedy epicenter of the world, I would have punched you in the face.
	Me too.
	This is a great question to ask him.
	The only place that I can go on TV is fucking Fox News.
	I'm on there all the time and I'm thrilled because... On Greg's show or all over Fox News?
	I do all of it.
	Oh, excellent.
	I never watch it because I...
	Uh, you know, can't even know how to turn my fucking TV on because there's too many buttons!
	It's really funny!
	Well, it's because you're on the internet going, oh, they just fucking killed him at JAG.
	I can't turn a TV on if my life depended on it.
	I'm serious.
	Or a man.
	I think you can.
	Sorry.
	That was so stupid.
	What?
	Nothing.
	Stupid joke.
	But the show, there's no... What shows do you go on?
	So, I used to secretly go on Fox News and a white van would pull up to my house.
	See, this is how closeted I was as I'm coming out as Not a Republican, but as someone that really values free speech.
	Uh-huh.
	That's what we gotta all be.
	That's it.
	That's why everyone fucks.
	No matter where we are on the political spectrum.
	Tell them what you are, Ma.
	You're a radical constitutionalist.
	That's what I say.
	I'm not a Republican.
	I'm a radical constitutionalist, which means I'm for free speech more than anything.
	I'm a comic.
	And you have to distinguish that when people try to put you in a box.
	Even when I do the Daily Wire stuff, I do it because they hire me based on my talent and I like the job.
	And people go, oh, so you're a conservative comedian now.
	No.
	Even there when I'm there on their podcast.
	And I go, no.
	I'm a comedian who takes jobs based on the roles and the freedom I have.
	That's it.
	That's correct.
	That's it.
	And so with Gutfeld.
	But Daily Wire, what the fuck?
	I mean, the Candace thing.
	Well, they're an openly conservative.
	Yeah, but I mean, they keep on saying free speech, free speech.
	And then Candace, like, pushed them too far.
	Yeah, and then they fired her.
	And they fired her.
	Well, I don't know the specifics of why or if it was firing her.
	Well, obviously, they felt that she went too far because they fired her.
	But it's easy to say that, but you just don't know.
	But I mean, how can you have any limits on free speech when you're the free speech people?
	I agree.
	There's a lot of angles going on, you know?
	I'm going to wait until I know the exact reason just because I do know I've been there a lot,
	and they all do really get off on contradicting each other in a good way.
	Do you know what I mean?
	Uh-huh.
	And so I'd like to see... I've heard things.
	Yeah.
	I don't know, but they owe viewers an explanation.
	Speaking of, we have a cartoon coming out on Daily Wire.
	Oh yeah, we do, don't we?
	Yes.
	And it's funny, ain't it?
	It's really funny.
	And it's Adam, what's his face?
	Adam Carolla.
	I can never remember his last name, huh?
	Carolla.
	I can't remember people's names anymore because I'm old.
	The first thing that goes is names.
	Yeah.
	Well, it's hair and names.
	Hair.
	Stop!
	You're horrible!
	I'm gonna slap you!
	I was talking about your bald side!
	I thought you meant my hair.
	He was doing both of us, actually.
	He's very... Wait, hold on.
	My hair is fried!
	Just talk over it.
	My hair's like wire!
	Look at my hair, it's like wire.
	You gotta just get louder.
	This is actually breaking news.
	Like, this show... Huh?
	Is actually... It's actually... Pretty outstanding.
	The people that are in this show... What show?
	If you have people from Family Guy, you have... What show?
	Bertram, the one you're on.
	Oh, the one we're in.
	Yeah, Putty from Seinfeld.
	You've got Danny...
	Who's the Mexican guy from the Nicholas Cage?
	Turio?
	No, I know who you're talking about.
	I just wanted to do it because you were in it.
	I don't have my phone.
	I know who you're talking about.
	Yeah, but this is a major cast of people.
	No, Megan Kelly's in it.
	Candace is in it.
	Kyle Dunnigan.
	Kyle's so fucking talented.
	I mean, it's... He's so talented.
	We don't know nothing except that we're in it.
	But I saw, so when I had to go redo some of my clips, they showed me a lot of scenes.
	No, it's good.
	We're in a scene together.
	I know, I'm so glad they finally gave us a scene together.
	That's crazy.
	You're playing a kind of libtard, huh?
	I'm playing, so you're playing the principal, and then Adam is the woodshop teacher in this school that's being sort of reconstructed by wokeism.
	Yeah, it's really excellent script.
	And then I play his arch nemesis.
	I'm the Jedi.
	The Justice, Equity, Diversity, Inclusion Officer.
	So I'm like a mall cop that's hired to go in and teach everybody how racist they are.
	No, it's great.
	I've read the script.
	I've seen some of the clips too.
	It's so fun to do it.
	It's a show that would be on fucking television. It would, yeah. Ten years ago and it would kill.
	Well, they never let on TV now because it's all... But how sad is that? I mean it's
	awesome that it's happening and that Daily Wire did it and it's out and it's happening and
	that's I want to celebrate that. It's really great to be part of it because
	it's so edgy. Well, Daily Wire, I mean, that's why I defend it.
	It's offensive and edgy.
	It is.
	It's real free speech offensive.
	Kind of in a 90s way, you know, like it's not, it doesn't really have a political, like, bias.
	I don't, I really don't think it does.
	I love my character.
	No, but they'll say it does.
	First you think she's a big angry lesbian, but then you find out she's like a veteran.
	Yeah.
	And she's straight.
	And a lesbian.
	It's even better.
	I think she's straight at the end, because she's trying to oppress all those construction workers to have sex with her that are working on her house.
	I love that she's kind of a predator.
	Yeah.
	That's fun for me to play.
	And then when you're gone, I go in and I sit in your chair and I get off on your power.
	I like to like sniff your stuff.
	Did you know that?
	No.
	I didn't know that, really?
	We haven't seen the full episode yet.
	I get to play a kind of a big old weirdo pervert, which is fun.
	I want to be you in the show.
	Cause I love your power.
	I love your, we have a scene where we're fighting for the megaphone to do the announcement over the, um, the school thing where I'm doing some virtue signaling bullshit about, you know, national native, whatever.
	I think it's going to be great.
	I do too.
	And it's out in a couple, I think it's out in, when does this episode come out?
	Do you guys know?
	We don't know.
	I mean, we're two and a half hours.
	So it's going to take me a month to edit this.
	Bircham is coming out in May.
	The May 7th is the red carpet event, which I've... I believe that goes live on the platform.
	Oh, okay.
	We have to find a way out of that.
	That's what we're trying to do.
	But to not go.
	We're going if they want us.
	No, I'm not going.
	Why?
	Because we're having a baby.
	Oh yeah, Jake's having a baby.
	Okay, well let's end this.
	Let's end this.
	Sit down and we'll say goodbye.
	And then we'll actually start talking.
	Yeah, wrap it up and then we can actually hang out and have fun.
	Hey, thank you so much for being here.
	It was a blast to hang out with you.
	Can't wait to hang out with you more.
	This was a dream.
	And a nightmare come true.
	This isn't gonna really hit me until another day, unfortunately.
	What's worse, your mom killing herself, your dad being gay or being here with my mom?
	Actually, you look like my mom and my dad had a baby.
	Holy shit.
	No, you actually have the same.
	They're very attractive.
	But that's sad for you to see all that in my face.
	But that might have been why I wanted you to play that role in the movie.
	Let's do that.
	Maybe so.
	I think it'd be a fucking awesome movie.
	I'll do it if you want me to.
	I almost feel like we need to check with Jim Brewer to make sure he's okay with that idea because his dad... He'll be okay.
	He wants to... The three of you need to do something.
	I'll write a role for him.
	I'm gonna get you in touch with Brewer too.
	I know you love him.
	He's our bro.
	We love him.
	Can I say one thing to you, Tyler?
	I've, you know, been with my mother my entire life.
	I've met a lot of people.
	I've known Jake his whole life.
	His whole life.
	You are one of the most genuinely warm people that I've ever met.
	I'm being honest right now.
	I was thinking about this yesterday, about when we met you in New York.
	You are legitimately one of the nicest people I've ever met.
	And you pay my mother respect.
	I'm finding harder and harder these days.
	You sound like Tony Soprano now, don't you?
	No, but you do.
	It's the chair.
	It is the chair.
	No, you're an amazing fucking person.
	I love you.
	But you're so greatly talented.
	I really do.
	Thank you guys.
	So greatly brave.
	I feel so, this is what's wild.
	You're out there on the edge like not few.
	You're a fucking hero, dude.
	Like very few.
	I felt really like safe when you guys were at the Comedy Cellar.
	And you said, you're like, I want to come here more.
	And I'm like, if No, Texas is where you should be.
	You should.
	Come to Texas.
	I promise you, I'm going to set you up with someone who appreciates you guys.
	Something good's going to happen there.
	We're all going to make something good happen.
	My wife knows a lot of people.
	I'm going to set you up.
	You're going to be happy.
	We're going to have a good time.
	Well, I appreciate that.
	And you have to go through shit to be able to, you know, you go, do I want to be, do I want to treat people the way I was treated or do I want to do the opposite?
	You have to really know what it feels like.
	I think you do.
	Because that goes through my head every time I do something.
	And I can be, people underestimate my, Ability to be a goddamn mountain lion.
	Yeah, or like a miniature I see it.
	I think you didn't have to do this.
	I didn't have to make the podcast and you know, you wanna have people joy you wanna Add to the good, you know Right.
	It's comedy.
	It's like again.
	I Comedy saves the fucking world, man.
	Who thought you'd have to fight for comedy and free speech, but this is our... But comedy saves the fucking world.
	Laughing power to scorn, there's nothing more great.
	I was at home in Connecticut...
	Where I'm so privileged with my gay dad leaving and my mom trying to kill herself.
	And I joined a gang, actually.
	I was in a gang.
	Which gang?
	What kind of gang?
	It was just a gang in my town.
	We sold drugs and grew... Oh, you really were in a gang?
	I thought you were joking.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Crime, robbed stores, broke into cars.
	I was basically raised by, like, drug dealers.
	Me too.
	That's crazy.
	That should be the last line of this episode.
	No, that's crazy.
	I didn't know that.
	And there was a statue of... and half my friends are dead.
	Half of them.
	Half of her too, but old age.
	Yeah, all 30 and under.
	Suicide.
	Jumping in front of a train.
	Suicide.
	Drug overdose.
	Jail.
	So the privilege thing, it just gets me so much.
	Can I tell you one thing that reminds me of something?
	Yeah.
	This guy threw himself in front of a train.
	He was a great comic in Denver where I started.
	And then he survived but lost his arms.
	And I went back with Robin Williams because I got everybody to do a benefit for him for his new arms.
	And he said that I caused it to happen.
	Robin said that?
	No, the guy who lost his arm.
	Did he really?
	No, Robin said, oh shit, it looks like I'm doing an impression of a pencil.
	Look at this guy.
	Look at me.
	Looks like Mr. Happy.
	Did he really blame you for it?
	Was he serious?
	What the fuck?
	I never knew that.
	You don't know how evil comics are.
	You don't know how they was back then, though.
	Not much has changed, my friend.
	No?
	No.
	They got some bad shit, right?
	There's some bad ones- If you see comedy as competition, it's gonna destroy you and destroy everybody.
	If you see it as a privilege and art and abundant, you know- You'll do better.
	Yeah.
	It's the only way to do it.
	So you have a choice.
	It's like rap.
	See me on tour!
	TylerFisher.com TylerFisher.com Coming all over the country.
	We love you.
	We're gonna find you a wife.
	Don't talk nasty to old women.
	We're gonna find you a wife.
	That's what I predict.
	I'm gonna get him.
	He didn't say what she's gonna look like.
	I wish he had.
	He says it looks like your wife.
	That's what we're gonna go for.
	We all want him to look like my wife.
	But I'm telling you, I already know who.
	And if it's not her, it's in that circle.
	I got it.
	Okay.
	This is gonna happen.
	Well, if it's not her, it's her fat sister.
	No.
	No, her sisters are gorgeous, but they're all married.
	You can't be with fatty.
	I don't care about weight.
	You can't be with fatty, because you're too short.
	I don't care about weight.
	You're too short for a fatty.
	Crush me.
	Maybe being crushed is my thing.
	If women like to be dominated, maybe I want to be thrown around.
	Yeah, maybe you should get in the schmo.
	Do you know the schmos?
	Huh?
	You should get in the schmo community.
	What's that?
	We have to pee, so we're gonna wrap it up.
	Two stories.
	The schmos, they're the guys, they're little guys that get thrown around by female bodybuilders.
	No, he don't want that.
	It's a fetish.
	Anyway, real quick.
	One quick story, then I gotta wrap it up.
	Hold on.
	Listen, there's these bodybuilders in Malibu and you know who they're attracted to?
	800 pound women.
	Go to the bathroom.
	No, but in Malibu, next to me in Malibu.
	Next to me in Malibu was these guys and they was bodybuilders, but the girls they had come over to their pool were at six to eight hundred pounds and they was feeders!
	I told you about one of the feeders.
	You need a feeder.
	That's what you need.
	I do need that.
	I'm gonna find you a feeder.
	I'm gonna find him a wife.
	Give me a feeder.

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