Premium Episode 55: The Switch - Loomered (Sample)
Laura Loomer fan fiction novel The Switch: Loomered is read in its entirety and commented upon by Jake (250 pages). Includes way too many dramatic readings.
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There's the main girl, Maria, who's a switched at birth.
And then there's her partner, Don Lopez, who's kind of like, uh, you know, he's sort of like, um, what's his name from Breaking Bad, uh, Hank's partner.
He's kind of this like, uh, swarthy cop.
And it's funny that every time these two hear music, they start fucking.
Like, it's a weird thing that happens multiple times in the book that whenever the two agents- Wait, there's sex scenes in this book?
No, there's not sex scenes, as you'll see, it's very glossed over, but it's like, she goes out of her way that anytime these two FBI agents are together and they hear music, they both get caught up in the spirit of it and end up making out and shit.
It happens multiple times throughout the book.
So here's an example of that.
Oh, the magic of love, man.
Lopez and I had arrived at our hotel.
I applied makeup and got out of my black clothing and into a champagne colored backless dress with a high ruffled slit and adjustable cross back straps.
I slipped on a pair of black satin lace up salsa dance shoes.
Lopez put on a black collared long sleeve ballroom top.
We arrived at the club by 10 p.m.
Okay, so they're doing undercover on this club that I just mentioned in the last passage.
That they know one of the lieutenants of the cartel or whatever, the peru, whoever.
One of the bad guys is at.
We arrived at the club by 10pm.
Santos, that's the guy they're chasing, and his group had plans to arrive around 11pm.
Once inside, we were seated.
We ordered the carne asada, barbecue.
The club was festive, decorated with pictures of parrots and monkeys on the walls.
See, they're always spotting critters.
The band played a large variety of music, both Spanish and English.
An hour after we arrived, Santos' crew pulled up in their army of tricked-out black Cadillac Escalades.
Parking was reserved for them.
Dressed in a typical narco outfit of snakeskin boots, blue jeans, silk shirts, belt buckles with marijuana leaves or machine guns, and their lucky Jesus Malverde necklaces, the narco's patron saint, they entered the club.
The night's events must have spooked Santos because he ordered rounds of tequila for everyone and kept them coming.
Maybe that was par for the course.
After several shots, they did lines of coke and meth off the table, followed by handfuls of blue pills.
Oh my god, that escalated fast.
Viagra.
The narco culture was- I'm like, what the fuck?
I'm doing harder and harder with my homies until I blast my acrid
Just blah.
I'm just kidding.
I'm peaking on coke and meth and marijuana and alcohol.
Time to blast some Viagra to have a boner on top of all of it.
I'd like to remind the listener that we are approximately 45% through the book.
Yeah.
Well, I fucking hate it, Jake.
Alright, you don't love it a little bit?
No.
You've gotten a good couple chuckles, at least.
I guess.
I know, you've had to dumb her for listening to it.
Travis looks like he's being lashed.
I'm so sorry, guys.
The narco culture was one of machismo.
Eres mas bonito cuando estas silencio.
You're prettier when you're quiet.
Big guns, macho attitudes, fast cars, and lots of women who knew their place.
Lopez and I got up to dance.
Lopez changed personas once he hit the dance floor.
As he touched me, I tingled all over.
Gone was the gunfighter, replaced by a man who let it roam.
His spirit had taken over, so I grabbed my camera to catch him in action.
After I took a snapshot, he walked over and kissed me.
He held my face between his hands, and time had stopped.
Wait, what?
Then, La Danza Del Petrolero by Los Wemblers de Inquitos came on.
The passion of the moment caught up with us.
Our creative spirit heated up, my hips undulated as the electric instruments kicked in, and
I showed off my attributes while Lopez vied for my attention.
The next songs to play was Chorando de Chorando Se Fua.
And he showed off his moves.
I wanna go to the club to show off my attributes.
We sat down for a few minutes after dancing.
Something had changed between us over the last 24 hours.
By the way, this isn't built up or foreshadowed to it all.
When I started reading this, it was totally out of nowhere.
I couldn't believe it.
I was like, I can't believe that she's... They're fucking now.
Yeah, they're fucking now all of a sudden.
Um...
Beautiful stuff.
I had found my perfect dance partner, and a man who could do the forbidden dance was
sexy.
Santos and his girlfriend twisted to the music, and so did his bodyguards.
Sweat covered, he wiped at his face with his shirt sleeve.
After dancing, he sat down and freebased cocaine.
Oh my god.
That's writing a rule.
I fucking love it, dude.
Santos would stay until closing.
The Blood Dance Club was filled to capacity, so a takedown would be tricky.
While Santos was killing his brain cell, Lopez and I got back on the dance floor until closing time.
Santos was leaving.
Getting into a gunfight with Santos and his bodyguards wasn't a possibility.
Meth made people mean, crazy, and paranoid.
We didn't need a bunch of cartel guys jacked up on meth and armed with automatic weapons to open up in downtown Lima.
I texted Commander Alvarez and said, they are headed out right now.
Showtime, said Commander Alvarez to his men.
The first one out was Santos.
He stumbled, but one of his bodyguards held him up.
On his other side was his near comatose silicone whore.
They all loaded into the escalades.
As soon as they got in the car and began sexual engagement, they all loaded into the escalades.
As soon as they got in the cars and began sexual engagement, Commander Alvarez's commandos cleared the area and set off the car bombs that we didn't know anything about.
Sexual engagement is somehow the filthiest phrase.
She could have been chosen there.
Just wait, guys.
This passage is fucking wow crazy.
I want to claw my face off.
I want to die.
This next passage is insane.
It was carne asada.
Santos was dead, and so were 30 of his bodyguards and their ladies of the night.
Lopez and I heard the loud explosion.
He just described an explosion of human beings, killing human beings as carne asada.
Uh-huh.
She does it a couple more times.
times.
And none did.
Like I said, no stakes in the book at any time.
Any time they need something to happen, it does.
When you need it not to happen, it doesn't.
Perfect.
Oh my god!
Lopez said, and they didn't need my six shooter for this either.
I high-fived him.
Maybe we would get the case wrapped up quicker than we thought.
I called my boss to give him the news.
Director, the Peruvian commandos just gave Santos, his bodyguards, and his girlfriend a carne asada funeral
in their fancy Escalades.
We need CSIs down here to help with the DNA case.
We have to prove he was in their fancy barbecue, said Director Slomi.
Yes, without the KC masterpiece.
Brutal, but effective, and no lawyers.
I'd say a pretty good night with no civilian casualties.
Good riddance.
Agreed.
It was rare that we agreed on anything, but I was too amped up to heed the warning.
I placed a quick call to Laura.
This is now Laura talking, but they don't transition and tell you who's talking.
I'll book my flight now on another subject agent. This is now Laura talking
They don't tell you they don't they don't transition and tell you and tell you who's talking
I had you have to figure it out as the reader Yourself so Laura says I'll book my flight now on
On another subject, Agent Lehman asked me to look into Brunk, since she was told, hands off.
This is another agent who's named Brunk Fields, whatever.
His name is Brunk.
His name is Brunk.
His name's like Jeff Brunk.
Brunk Hard Muscles.
I can't do this anymore.
And why does every episode have someone with a name like Brunk?
Or Creflo Dollar or something.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't... Dude, can you imagine being like 50 pa... like halfway through the book?
Last episode we had Joab.
Joab.
And now we have Brunk.
Brunk.
You're right.
I'm sick of this shit.
It was... it was a kid.
I'm sick of this shit.
I'm sick of this shit.
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