Hosts challenge modern critics regarding arranged marriages, arguing historical Christian societies prioritized godly spouses through parental influence on location and education. They advocate early marriage to protect women's health and reduce sin, citing Byzantine betrothals at age seven for lineage security. While romance matters, duty drove these unions; men marrying younger women aligns with shifting physical value. Fathers must actively vet suitors for character, especially if daughters are 24-25 or live in rural areas with limited options. Strategic relocation to highly churched, affordable communities like Texas over expensive cities ensures economic stability and access to orthodox families, preventing faith compromise and securing righteous matches where online dating fails. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: CohereLabs/cohere-transcribe-03-2026, WAV2VEC2_ASR_BASE_960H, sat-12l-sm, script v26.04.01, and large-v3-turbo
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Marriage Arrangements in Past Societies00:14:46
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Today we are going to be discussing arranged marriages.
Something that sends a shiver up the spine of modern libtards in our culture today.
They can't possibly imagine that parents, loving parents who care for their sons, care for their daughters, might be involved in an intentional way to ensure that their children have a godly, righteous, suitable spouse for the future.
We've made all that sound as though it's evil and sinister.
But this is the way that marriage, for the most part, functioned in many different societies.
Christian societies, might we remind you, throughout the course of human history until relatively recently.
I remember once hearing an old saying.
Somebody said once that in the East, love begins with marriage.
In the West, love ends in marriage.
And I remember pondering that as a young man and agreeing with the basic sentiment that there really is something behind that.
Now, the reality is that's not always the way things were.
It's not as though for the last 2000 years in the West, that marriage has always been the death of romance, affection, and love.
That has not been the case.
But I think that this same is true when it comes to the modern West, that still, in many places in the East today, even at present time, love, romance is something that is cultivated and starts with marriage and blossoms further over the course of many years.
Whereas in the West, again, not historically, but recently, presently, Romance, love, adoration, affection is something that often cultivates in a dating relationship and ends in marriage and then begins to wither and die.
It doesn't have to be this way.
There is hope, and we want to look at the Western tradition, looking to our fathers, our ancestors, those who were Christian, who feared God, and who saw arranged marriages in their circumstances and environments as something that was necessary, but beyond.
The necessity that was, you know, directly correlated to their time, their present challenges.
They also saw it as something that was just generally beneficial and wise.
And I think many of those principles and wisdom are still applicable for us today.
Tune in now.
All right, we're back.
Categorically, I don't think there is a question that we get more often than the question of parents relating to how do I essentially set my children up to have good options for marriage?
And we've got to be honest, parents have a huge impact, not necessarily on who their child will choose directly, although they'll certainly impact that, of course, with their marriage and their home, but by property, for example, of where they live.
That is going to massively, in an incredible way, influence who your children have as the context, as their peers.
Available for marriage.
Yeah, where you live, what church you go to, what school.
That's a big one.
In terms of higher education, what college are you going to send your children to or not?
What college are you going to pay for at the very least?
Well, I'm going to go here.
Well, we're not going to pay for you to go 50 states away.
You have a say.
Exactly.
My parents, for example, knew the parents of my wife because they chose to live there.
They're in a Christian context.
They knew one another.
I met my wife in that context and we came to meet.
And so, parents, you have a huge responsibility, would be the good term.
Of at least giving your children the opportunity to be married young.
All else being equal, being married earlier in life, again, assuming maturity, assuming everything else, being married early in life is a massive blessing.
It affords more children, for example.
It affords greater companionship.
The Proverbs speak of the good of companionship that's going to help men mature better.
It's going to help them build a home.
They're more motivated.
Men who are married make more money.
The Proverbs also speak of rejoice.
Well, I'm not trying to be crude, I'm just quoting scripture, but rejoice in the breast of.
The uh, your wife always, and then other uh, translations and and then also other verses talk about rejoicing in the wife of your youth.
Um, there is something biblical about um, I've been with this woman since my youth, and and so, yes, so for in terms of procreation and child rearing, um, you can have more children.
Psalm 127 says, Blessed is the man whose quiver is full.
Children, women that are from the Lord earlier in life have subsequent healthier pregnancies, they live longer.
And there's less complications, literally physically.
So, if you're a man and you've been married for a couple of years, your wife is 30, 31, 32, and you're continuing to delay that first child, that will come back and she will have more difficult pregnancies, the greater risk of complications.
Having children earlier for a woman is literally physically more beneficial than assuming she's married.
It's loving your bride, it's protecting her life, protecting the longevity of her life and the health, the quality of her life, but also the health of your children.
A child born to a woman in her early 40s.
Has a much lower chance, a much lower likelihood of not having certain disabilities or certain health problems.
Whereas a child who's born to that same woman when she's 23 years old, 25 years old, has a higher percent, a higher likelihood of being born healthy.
So it's the health of your wife, the length of her lifespan, also the health and length of lifespan of your children.
But then that's just one reason child bearing and child rearing.
But another reason is when it comes to.
Being protected against temptation and sexual lust.
My story and past failures with this have been publicized by many people who hate me and would like to see this ministry crumble.
But it still stands to reason that if I had, in the grace of God, married at a younger age, I would have less sin that I had accumulated over the course of being a single man.
And not being married.
And so, if I had been married at 22, 23, you know, my early 20s, and that's, you know, looking at myself as an example, but I think that principle is generally true for pretty much every man, every man who has failed in the area of sexual purity.
Much of that failure tends to be, yes, adultery is real.
You know, but for the most part, most men, when it comes to their sexual sin, is pre marriage.
It's not necessarily adultery in marriage, although that happens sadly.
But it's usually fornication pre marriage.
And so for men who prolong singleness, prolong adolescence, being a bachelor, you know, for 20 years, you know, from the time that they hit puberty to the time that they finally get married, you're talking about two decades of ultimately placing yourself in the situation of having to resist temptation.
It's playing with fire.
I mean, just statistically speaking, in a world that is completely immersed in sex, I mean, you have pornography.
Accessibility in your pocket because of smartphones and there's billboards on every street corner and all this garbage and degeneracy that we're surrounded with, and to not have a single biblical righteous outlet for sexual fulfillment because you're not married and to stay in that state for a prolonged period of time 10 years,
20 years, 30 years post puberty is basically, I mean, it's virtually just pleading with the devil.
To come and trip you up.
Yeah.
So, all of those factors have led a number of parents, and they've asked the questions how biblical is an arranged marriage?
So, I have a daughter that's of marriageable age 20, 21, 22.
Maybe she's in her mid to late 20s.
And I know other families, and probably not necessarily we're friends with them.
And I'm talking about two people that have already connected, but I know of another person, and I could go and spend time with them.
But practically speaking, the relationship wouldn't develop like a normal dating relationship would.
They know each other mutually, maybe at church or school.
Then the man, ideally, he asks her out, they begin to date and then get married.
But more intentionally, we're going to evaluate this man.
Say you're the father of a daughter.
I've heard of a young man who has his home in order.
He's a godly man, a good man, he's mature.
And what's going to happen is not that I'm going to send you to go on a road trip for 15 hours and go meet him with no chaperone, no supervision to make up your mind if you like him, but I'm going to take the initiative.
I'm going to go, I'm going to interview this man.
I'm going to sit down with him.
I'm going to ask him about his life, about his vocation, about his goals, about his.
Walk with Christ, that type of arranged marriage.
That's what people are beginning to think.
That actually doesn't sound so terrible.
There's all these good things about marriage.
As you mentioned, it's a guard, it's a blessing, children.
There's all these good things, but we're in a difficult time.
It's tough, especially to find someone if you are like us.
You're, hey, I'm Christian.
I'm reformed.
I'm post millennial.
These are the things that I'm active in and I care about.
Guys, we got to be honest.
There are not a lot of young men and women out there.
There are, of course, thousands, but they're spread all across the United States.
If you're here in the United States and this is your context, so it has many questioning.
Arranged marriage, that really doesn't sound so bad.
I'm going to go back to a little bit of context here as far as marriage and the church and how the church has thought about this historically.
This is from an article, Marriage and Family in Protestant and Evangelical Understanding.
And it says this this is a good quote Western perceptions of marriage have largely been shaped by Christianity to the extent that in order to understand what constitutes marriage, one must consider Christian views of marriage as they developed over time.
Christian ideas of marriage stem from the Old Testament, in particular the book of Genesis.
But the Christian understanding of marriage developed within the social and historical context.
Of the Roman Empire, the period when the canon of the New Testament was under construction, was further clarified during the period of the Middle Ages when it fell under the direct jurisdiction of the Church.
Now, going on, this is in the same article.
The author says this Although a sacrament and a sound way of Christian living, marriage in the Roman Catholic Church was not considered to be particularly spiritually edifying.
Marriage was a remedy for sin, not a recipe for righteousness.
Marital life was considered less commendable than celibate life.
Propagation less virtuous than contemplation.
So, having children was less virtuous than being a monk.
Clerics, monastics, and other servants of the church were thus to forego marriage as a condition for ecclesiastical service.
Those who could not do so were not worthy of the church's holy orders and offices.
Celibacy was something of a litmus test of spiritual discipline and social superiority.
Again, that's from an article Marriage and Family in Protestant and Evangelical Understanding.
And then this final quote this is from a book, Pursuing Hope in the Pre Modern World, and it's going to give a little bit of context, and I'll get into it, on ages, arrangements, and what it was typically for.
We have to understand that nothing happens in a vacuum.
There's a reason people did the things that they did in times past.
Pursuing Hope in the Pre Modern World says this So, this dynamic that I'm about to show is evident in Byzantine society, where the fear of losing children at an early age prompted parents to baptize them as soon after birth so they would not be deprived of final salvation.
As the Byzantians lived surrounded by the prospect of death at any time, an increased concern for the future of children was manifested in parents' decisions to seek for profitable matrimonial alliances for their offspring.
Once they passed the risky period of infancy, this practice was especially characteristic for upper middle class families.
We'll get back to this kind of theme in a little bit.
For upper middle class families in the middle Byzantine period, when both imperial legislation and church canons permitted betrothal from the age of seven.
So this would be, hey, in the future, when they come of age, you're betrothed, not married yet, not married at seven, but betrothed.
When you come of age, this would be who you marry.
If it was marriage at seven, then, you know, we'd be talking about Islam.
I was about to say, then we'd be Muslims.
Yeah.
Classic Muhammad move right there.
All right, go ahead.
So, church canon laws permitted betrothal from the age of seven and marriage from the age of 12 for girls and 14 for boys.
In practice, such early marriage arrangements.
Betrothal seven and then actual marriage 12 for girls, 14 for boys.
Go ahead.
Which would roughly correspond to puberty.
Puberty.
Those would be the times that boys and girls would go through puberty.
In practice, such early marriage arrangements made by the parents functioned as an instance for the child's future, since many fathers were aware by the time their daughters reached marriageable age.
They might not be alive.
In a world of war, in a world that you had the Muslims actually coming up, this was in the East, so Constantinople, the Byzantine Empire, eventually the Turks, it's 1500, it fully falls, but by the seventh century, Islam is expanding.
You're under constant threat.
And so you had fathers that had daughters, and they were saying, Look, I understand that you're seven, but it's a cold, cruel world out there, and I might not be alive next year.
And so to secure your future, I'm going to go ahead and betroth you.
To the son of this family who's of a similar age, maybe he's a little bit older, and in this way, look out for your future.
Now, I give that as a case study.
It would be impossible here in the time we have to go through all the different time periods and all the different arrangements.
But what I can say is this this is 500s.
So, this is not the time of the Reformation.
This is not even the 12th to the 13th century.
This is the 5th, 6th, 7th century, where the church at this time period in this empire, you can see very much so the practice was hey, the context is requiring.
That we early on seek out for our children a spouse for them to have.
Another big reason, so in this case, it's death, it's the threat of war.
Nobles, Duty, and Population Needs00:05:43
Another big reason for arranged marriages was to secure land.
So this was typically in the nobles.
The nobles would be about 10% of a given society, right?
Your Pareto principle, your 80 20.
Most societies, your nobles, your aristocrats, they're about 10 to 20% of the society.
So that upper class, they typically had land and homes and wealth, and marriage was almost always the way that they continued to fortify it.
And so they would marry their daughter off to the son of another family whose family possessed massive amounts of land.
And that would be a way she would be given some of the land and it would be shared within the family.
And so that was the reason the wealthy did it.
But then, even more so, as I looked into it, not in every single case, and there were different times where The individuals themselves could get married without parental consent.
So, for the nobles, a lot of times it's kind of what the parents said goes.
With the rural workers, the peasants, it wasn't as universally the case.
But even there, I saw estimates about 70, 80% of the time it would be the parents, we'd be involved.
They would pair the two people together and they would say, Hey, you have a duty.
We are a farming society.
There is lots of work to be done.
There are armies to staff.
Children make the world go around.
To get married.
And so I would never pretend as though that's descriptive of all of time in Christendom up till the Enlightenment, as if that was universal and there were never exceptions.
There were.
The Christian church, especially at different times in different places, has emphasized romantic love, companionship.
Protestants actually did it best between Luther and Calvin.
They had a strong emphasis on it because they freed it from the church.
They said this isn't a sacrament, this is a natural gift given to man.
When we speak of arranged marriages, just for kind of context, it's always the circumstances that are necessitating it.
Hey, we could die next year.
I could die next year.
I have daughters and I want them to be taken care of.
Hey, we own massive amounts of land that have been passed down to our family for five generations.
I need to secure this land.
It needs to go to someone.
I need to have grandkids bearing my name that I can give this to.
And so that's why I was done.
Hey, we have a need for people.
We're a small village.
We need hands on the farm.
And you're 18 years old, 19 years old.
It's time to get married and get to work.
And so, all that being said, Very common practices.
We can get to age gaps in a second.
Age gaps were very common, but there's very much so a sense that I think we've lost.
Hey, you have a duty.
Love matters.
Romance matters.
Companionship matters.
And those appeared time in different places.
But as you can kind of see from these quotes, there was also you have a duty.
You have a land that you're an inheritor of.
Hey, you have a duty to continue my legacy if I die next year.
Duty to continue the lineage, duty to steward the land and resources.
Duty to simply replace and more than that, to be fruitful and multiply, not just replacing, but multiplying the population.
So there's a duty to country that your nation doesn't dwindle in its population.
So a duty to country, a duty to kin and family to steward the land, a duty that fathers had to daughters, knowing that there's famine, there's plague, there's disease, and there's also war, that that father could be called into battle next year, he could be slain on the battlefield.
Who's going to take care of his daughters?
He wants to know that they're betrothed, that they have a husband in the works, that he's going to fulfill that role if something, you know, some tragedy should befall him.
So all these things were rooted in duty.
And it doesn't mean that they didn't care about romance and love and affection and adoration or any of these things at all, companionship.
They did care about them.
But those things, in many ways, it's not that they were absent, but they took a backseat priority to duty because there was.
Times were hard.
Things were difficult.
The average person was not living to be 80 years old.
And so, well, we can get married at 25 and we'll still have the vast majority of our lives spent together and time to see grandkids and maybe even great grandkids.
No, with nations and contexts where there's all these exterior threats, whether it be war or famine, disease, et cetera, you're talking about average lifespans being significantly cut short.
Many people, it was common that they would die in their 40s or maybe die in their 50s.
So, at that point, you're talking about if you wait till you're 25 to be married, And the average lifespan of your country, you know, your fellow citizens at that time is 43, 44.
You're talking about only, you know, getting married at 25, you're talking about only maybe 40% of your entire life being in marriage.
There's no way you're going to see your grandkids and you're only going to be able to have so many children yourself.
So all these things were rooted in necessity and necessity drove a sense of duty.
And yes, they wanted companionship and romance and love and all these kinds of things.
All those verses of the Bible were still there in their time, and they were emphasized.
Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the church.
Wives, submit to your husbands as the church submits to Christ.
So, the dynamics of having a healthy, loving marriage were there and present and taught by their priests and in their churches to their communities.
But the tail was not wagging the dog, so to speak.
It wasn't romance first.
And then maybe we'll fulfill some duties second.
No, it was necessity driving duty first, and then trying with the fulfillment of the responsibility that each person had that implored them to marry well and to marry young and to marry in productive ways.
Armored Republic and God's Rights00:02:26
Then out of that, that came first.
And then out of that, let's make this marriage as happy and loving as it can be.
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Wisdom, Protection, and Physical Beauty00:15:34
Yeah, duty is not opposed to loving something.
I have a duty to provide for my children.
And I also love them.
So we can never pit the two against each other.
Well, you can have love and you can marry for love.
You have duty and drudgery.
We have a duty to love God.
Right.
And yet, in his right hand are pleasures forevermore.
In his presence is fullness of joy, a loving relationship with God.
Christ being the vine, us, the branches, having union with Christ by the Spirit, communion with the triune God in heaven forever.
Nobody would look at that and say, man, that's going to be really rough.
No, it's going to be bliss.
It's going to be absolute bliss.
It's going to be wonderful.
And yet, at the same time, it's not just something.
That's wonderful and therefore made available in God's grace and a privilege that we might choose or might not.
It's also a command.
God commands everyone everywhere to believe the gospel and repent of their sins and to love him.
So we are literally, that's the first commandment.
Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.
Have no other gods before me, if we're looking at the Decalogue in Exodus 20.
So the first and paramount commandment that God gives to every single person is not just you're suggested to or I've made it possible to.
No.
You are absolutely expected, duty bound to love me.
And also in loving me, you will find the most fulfillment, the most joy, the most peace, the most happiness that you possibly could, not only in this life, but the life to come.
Yeah, both.
And as it relates to parents training up their children, I would say it starts early.
You have duties and putting that on them to say, you're not just here for a free ride.
You're not just a soul experiencing itself and going out and traveling and doing all of these things.
The earlier you can put them into a context to say, I was reading a good book.
It was a series of sermons.
And one of the sermons was on the duties of Christian children.
And towards the end, he's emphasizing if you were born to parents that came from the faith, you have a duty to them.
It's not just, well, I don't know if I feel like being a Christian.
Obviously, that's wrong.
But it's not just wrong because it's a sin to not believe the Christian gospel.
It's also wrong because it's a sin against your parents.
Your parents raised you as a Christian, your parents brought you to church.
And so, emphasizing to your children, it's not just about, I think of men, men are delaying marriage for many reasons.
One of the big ones is they're able to have sex outside of marriage.
But insofar as you're training your son, not just at 17 when he starts to think about these things, but early, early, early on, obviously marriage at four years old, but early on, you have duties.
I think of how churches used to have graveyards next to them.
Real quick, marriage at four years, you said obviously not marriage.
Right, as in you're not emphasizing your marital duty at four years old.
You said it so quick.
It sounded like you said obviously marriage at four years old.
No.
But the word not, I must have missed it.
I just want to make sure you're not married at four years old.
Correct.
But duty in, chores, duty in this.
And in Sephara, churches used to have courtyards.
So in a given day, you would walk through town and see everything going on, but you'd see also where you'd end up.
This is the church where I worship in life.
This is also where I'd be buried.
I'm one in a long line.
And a continuity.
And there's my great grandfather where he's buried, and there's my grandfather that he's buried, and my parents will be buried here, and I'll be buried here, and I'll have grandchildren that'll be buried here.
I have a duty to those behind me.
I have a duty to those in front of me.
And so, once we eventually get to, hey, marriage, children, family, all of these things, it starts by laying the foundation.
Hey, son, hey, daughter, life is wonderful.
There's a lot to experience.
But also, first and foremost, you have a duty.
You have a duty as a Christian that is attending church, that is Has Christian parents that have taught you the faith?
You have a duty insofar as that.
And you also have a natural duty, a duty assuming God has given you everything you need to have children, to be fruitful and multiply and to marry.
And some truly are not given that.
Jesus talks about those who have been eunuchs from birth.
There are rare cases where that there is the exception.
However, generally speaking, and also you're expected to marry, to ideally marry young, to have children.
And that duty, again, it's not to conflict with love and companionship and all of those things.
But very much so is still present.
And if anything, the love might come and go.
How many people, we talked to David Edgington this week, how many times the wife will, I don't feel loved, so I'm going to initiate a divorce.
I don't feel the passion.
I don't feel the spark anymore in this, so I'm going to leave my marriage that has three, four, five children.
People do that every single day as if the foundation of it is how I feel.
Do I feel loved?
Do I feel the spark?
Do I feel the emotion?
Do I feel the desire?
Well, actually, no, the foundation is duty.
And specifically in the case of marriage, covenantal duty.
I'm in a covenant.
I can't break it.
I have this duty and built on top of it, maturing it like a fine wine is the romantic love.
But insofar as you can teach your children that as a foundation, then to build to some other things that we're going to be talking about, that is going to serve them very well, certainly in marriage, but also just generally in life.
Right.
What if God's purpose for marriage has more to do with your holiness rather than your happiness, is essentially what we're saying.
And we're trying to tie the two together because I think that's.
By experience, the way that it works.
And also, that's, I think, clearly demonstrated in the scripture as well that holiness and happiness are not at odds with one another.
So I think God's chief purpose in marriage is more about our holiness than it is our happiness.
But in a life of holiness, happiness is found.
That true freedom is found within the bounds.
True joy and peace and fulfillment and happiness is going to be found within the bounds.
So teaching our children from a young age that you have a duty.
And that one cornerstone of that duty, a large portion of it, is to marry, to marry young if you can, to marry well, certainly, as a prerequisite, to say that this is a large part of your duty becoming a husband, becoming a father, becoming a wife, becoming a mother, and doing that to the glory of God and the ways that He has prescribed at a young age that you might be fruitful and multiply and productive and all these different things.
We want to teach our children from a young age that that is their duty.
But we also want to assure our children.
From the scripture and from life experiences, both positive and negative examples to the contrary, that not only will this cultivate their holiness, but in so doing, it also will ensure their greatest happiness.
The person who just prolongs their adolescence and singleness into their 30s and then into their 40s.
I mean, we see videos about this every single day on TikTok.
You know, somebody talking about how they're, you know, they're by their own volition, right?
They're, they're, um, Intentionally single, you know, as they're currently, you know, halfway through their life.
And we can watch these videos, you can see a deep seated sadness in the person's eyes.
You can see that the person is incredibly unfulfilled.
These are not happy people.
And so we are loving our children by directing them towards what God prescribes as normative for most people and also what lends towards, generally speaking, a more fulfilled and happy life.
So.
It's worth noting, too, that when it comes to marriage, just in general, not talking about arranged, just in general, too, we have to recognize that generally speaking, men will be older than the woman that they marry.
Sometimes they'll be close in age.
It doesn't often work as well if the woman is older.
For example, we have to recognize that down through history, most certainly in Christendom, men are generally going to be older.
And it's a fact that kind of makes some people squirm like, man, that's 22 to 27.
Like, that's five years.
Why not the other way around?
Or doesn't this seem interchangeable?
Well, it doesn't matter if she's older or he's older.
It should just be.
You love one another.
But generally speaking, we've talked about this before.
What men bring to the table when it comes to marriage is strength and provision.
They lead, they provide for the home, they care for it, they protect it, they lay down their lives.
And then generally, what women bring to the table as far as marriage goes, certainly companionship, but fertility and youth is another one.
We've said for men, strength.
For women, beauty.
It's not even exactly that they bring youth, they bring fertility and beauty.
And then also respect.
Men, it's love, would maybe be the primary banner.
And underneath that love, love in what way?
Protection and provision.
And so if it's providing something, you typically need, as a general rule, more time to accumulate provision, right?
If it's protection, well, you need more time to mature so that you have the strength now in order to protect.
There's a physical aspect to that.
Right, like a 14 year old boy is not physically able to protect someone as much as a 24 year old young man, he physically doesn't have the same degree of stature and strength.
But also, when you think of protection, not just in the physical realm, but protection from being deceived, uh, protection from being you know, there's all kinds of things besides just physical threats, uh, but that too requires time and maturity, right?
So, in order to be a good spiritual protector from heresy and deception and all these kinds of things, well, what does that require?
Wisdom.
Okay, what does the Bible say about wisdom?
Wisdom is often linked with humility, but wisdom is also often linked with age in the scriptures, right?
That the glory of an older man is his gray hair, that it serves as a crown of wisdom, right?
Can you be an older man and be a fool?
Yes.
Can you be relatively young and yet still wise?
Well, I think of the Apostle Paul, who writes of his son in the faith, Timothy, and says, Let no one despise you for your youth.
Because Timothy was a young man, but he was an exceptional young man.
He was wise beyond his.
His years.
So we have examples throughout the scripture and throughout just human history of young men who are exceptionally wise, and we have old men who are sadly exceptionally foolish.
But in general, in general, we would expect that wisdom comes through time, therefore, age.
Strength also comes through time.
Now, there's a certain point where all of a sudden the strength kind of climaxes and then begins to decline.
But the point still remains that for men, if the big thing, the big headline is love, and the two primary avenues of expressing that love are provision, which takes time to accumulate, and protection, which takes time to mature, both in strength and in wisdom.
If that's what men are providing, if that's what they're bringing to the table, love through protection and provision, that takes time.
If what women are providing is beauty as well as procreation, right?
So giving to her husband children that will bear his name.
And then also, you could also argue submission from the scripture.
I think of Ephesians chapter five wives, submit to your husbands in everything as the church submits to Christ.
Well, when you think of that for a wife, time is actually not on her side.
Fertility declines with age.
Beauty, right?
The Proverbs also say beauty, charm is deceitful and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
So beauty has a shorter shelf life, we could say, right?
Physical beauty.
In terms of physical beauty.
Exactly.
Now, for a godly woman, that physical beauty gives way to deeper and deeper degrees of spiritual beauty.
A woman who fears the Lord, that inner person, the inner beauty of the heart, which is.
Characteristically described as a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.
That's 1 Peter 3.
So we're not saying that a woman ceases to be beautiful in every way.
A godly woman who fears the Lord becomes more beautiful with every day as she develops inner beauty more and more.
But that physical, literal fertility and physical, literal beauty are two primary things.
And then we could add submission to it as a third thing fertility, Physical beauty and submission that she brings to the table.
And the reality is that if a woman is getting married at the age of 30, she is objectively less fertile.
She is becoming less physically attractive.
She is.
She may not want to admit it, but a 35 year old woman has less youthfulness and vigor and natural beauty than a 25 year old woman.
So the beauty is fading.
That's what the scripture says.
Beauty fades.
The physical beauty, the fertility, Is decreasing.
And also, because we live in a secular society, the longer that she is living, the more years she racks up without coming under the headship of a husband, but having already left the headship of her father, she is building up a longer and longer tenure of a headless life.
Right.
Where she's no longer really submitted in any practical, meaningful way to her father, but has not yet begun to be submitted and practice submission to a husband.
And so, that 30 year old woman, in real terms, you're looking at a decline in physical beauty, a decline in physical fertility.
And if she leaves her home at 18, as many young women do in our culture today, you're looking at 12 years of her practicing being her own head.
Instead of being under male headship to her father, which would more naturally translate, transfer to being under the headship of a husband.
So she is literally declining in beauty, declining in fertility, and only really increasing in one thing, which would be insubordination.
So my point is the older a woman gets, the less desirable as a commodity, in real terms, she becomes for being a.
A suitable spouse.
Whereas the older a man gets, he actually, his value as a spouse, not saying indefinitely, not saying at 96 years old, man, he's the most eligible bachelor, right?
Like there's a cutoff for men too.
But I think we need to admit if men, if it's bringing wisdom, protection, provision, these kinds of things, a man, he becomes more and more eligible and probably peaks with lifespans being what they are today.
Let's call it like around 80 years old, 80 to 85 years old.
75 to 85 in the West, and looking at provision and our economic systems and what it takes to build wealth and those kinds of things.
On average, you know, a man, what he's able to produce and the income he's able to achieve at various points along his life as it corresponds to age.
In all these ways, and the way that wisdom is accumulated over time throughout the years, for a man, you could argue that a man's eligibility.
As a bachelor, probably peaks in his 40s.
Economic Peaks and Biblical Timing00:04:12
I knew when you started this, you're about to say the age that you're generally at.
Whereas a woman, no, I'm not in my 40s.
I'm in my 30s, barely.
So you're about to hit your prime.
You're like, you guys have just gotten.
But I've been married for years.
I'm off the market.
But my point is generally speaking, a man probably peaks in his 40s, whereas a woman probably peaks in her 20s.
That's the formula.
We didn't write the formula.
We're not even saying, like, yeah, we love this, but we're just saying that in physical terms, practical terms, economic terms, social terms, economic, at every level, that's just the way that it is.
And so, ideally, because the Bible does still talk about a man celebrating the wife of his youth, ideally, we do want to see young men get married young while they're still in their youth and not have.
You know, this 20 year gap from puberty to marriage, where they're just racking up bad habits, selfish living, and sexual promiscuity.
So, we're saying, even in the case of a man, there is, I think, clearly a biblical incentive for marrying earlier rather than later.
But it still exists the fact that a man can get married in his 40s and be a catch.
In a way that a woman who gets married in her 40s will be far less, exponentially less of a catch.
And that's why we've seen throughout Christendom, not that it has to be the rule, an ironclad universal rule for all marriages and all places and all times, but if we're just looking and trying to detect a pattern, you have found very clearly in Christian societies for thousands of years now the general pattern of men marrying a younger woman.
Not women marrying a younger man.
And that's not arbitrary.
It's not capricious on the part of God and his design.
Is it quite logical?
There are clear reasons for that.
And bringing it now, we'll talk practically about arranged marriages.
What that means is, and I think, I don't know what you would say about this, I think the man should be the one that's initiating, not actually the man's father.
So this is not father to father necessarily.
The fathers are asking about the boy, the fathers are asking about the girl initiated by the man.
But if you are a man and you're looking to be married and you're actually going to take the route of, I'm going to address fathers that might have eligible daughters, I'm going to reach out to these churches.
Generally speaking, practically, they should be at your age or younger.
That's not to say it could never work if she's a year older than you.
That's not a hard and fast rule.
But as a pattern, if you are a 25 year old man, generally speaking, down one to five years is a perfect age range to look.
We are not giving a universal rule.
20 to 30.
We're giving a general rule.
But the thing that is helpful about generalities is that generalities are generally true.
Okay.
So, like, people always object to, well, you know, you said that the average woman is five foot six, but I know a woman who's five foot eight.
Okay, the average, we're talking about generalities.
Okay, and in general, you're absolutely right.
In general, a young man should be looking for a potential suitor who is his age or younger.
And then for the father of a daughter, generally speaking, a man says, Hey, I was referred to you.
You go to my church.
I'd be interested potentially in courting your daughter.
He's looking for someone that is at that stage of life, which is probably going to be.
At her age or a little bit older.
So, if his daughter is 20, his daughter is 25, he's looking for someone that's 25, 30, 35, 40.
And the point that we're saying is just because a man calls and he's 35 years old doesn't in and of itself mean, oh, well, she's 12 years younger.
That could never work.
No, that arrangement has typically been what it's been.
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Securing Legacy with Gold00:15:41
I liked what you said about headship because that I think is the ideal arrangement.
I don't think we're going to sit here and say, and arranged marriages are the best route to go, bar none.
I do think people finding one another organically, pursuing I do think that is probably the ideal.
I don't know what you would say.
I don't know if I'd say ideal, but I think it's certainly permissible.
But although it is permissible that two individuals, a man and a woman, could find each other organically, I would still prescribe the wisdom of bringing the father of the woman into the equation.
So a man can meet a woman at a church conference or whatever it might be.
And the initial connection could be him and her.
That could be the initial connection.
But I would then, you know, wanting to honor her father and honor the Lord, bring the father into it.
And so I don't know if I would say that's ideal.
I would say that because of the way our society is structured today, it's become normative.
I don't think that the fact that it's normative makes it the ideal, but it is normative.
I'll certainly see that point.
But even with that being normative, you know, future husband meeting future wife as the initial meeting, that still doesn't.
That still doesn't necessitate that the father of that woman isn't brought in quickly, promptly after that initial meeting.
Yep.
And so when we're talking about, you could say, arranged marriages all the way, you have courtship, which would be kind of in the middle.
That's typically the family's very involved to dating, just very broadly speaking.
We're kind of actually talking about, and more so in the realm of the daughter, so the father of a daughter, we're talking about the level of parental involvement.
Are we talking about the dad driving to another state, dad flying across the country?
Dad making a phone call.
Hey, Dad, I'm 21 years old.
I'm mature.
I'm godly.
I want to marry a godly man and have children.
Man's picking up the phone.
Hey, we have a church in this state that we know full of great people.
It's bigger than ours.
It has other families.
Picking up the phone and doing that.
That would be the level of involvement of maybe arranged.
But even so, to your point in dating, dads should still be involved, especially with their daughters.
And if a son is so young, 18, 19, that dad's coming along because he has his license, maybe he's a little bit young.
But the point is, especially for daughters, dads are doing the work of discerning.
We've got to be perfectly honest.
18 to 19 year old girls, they're not really equipped to discern the qualities in a man that will make good marriage material.
We just have to be perfectly honest.
Even into the 20s, 21, 22, 23.
It is paramount, I would say, for any Christian woman.
If your father is a Christian, if he is a good man, if he knows the things to look for, to say, Dad, I recognize that I'm out of the house, all else being equal, I wouldn't even do it again this way.
But it is what it is.
But I started seeing this man, and I want you to ask him.
I want you to ask him about his walk with Christ.
I want you to ask him about sexual purity.
I want you to ask him about his goals.
Because it's one thing to tell a woman that you like, and I like him, oh, that sounds great.
But I want him to sit down with a man who's older, and I want you to take it.
I want you to discern, and I want you to help me.
And so, arranged marriages, courting, dating, this whole combination in a Christian paradigm, at least especially in the woman's side of things, the father is involved, I think we would say.
And with arranged, you have all the way to the point where the father is actively, I would say, soliciting interest, reaching out and saying, I have a daughter who's 21.
Is there a good man?
A man who's a hard worker, a man who loves Jesus, a man with a good track record, a virtuous character.
Could I talk to him?
Would he be interested?
That's kind of your arranged all the way at this end of the spectrum.
Versus dating, still ideally, a father is involved.
He's meeting, he's assessing, he's giving feedback to his adult daughter.
Yeah, well said.
I agree.
So, all that being said, I don't know.
I don't see necessarily a wholesale return to arranged marriages, but I do think in a time like ours, noticed all the way back in different empires, in the Middle Ages, in Christendom, there was a reason for arranged marriages.
There was a reason that parents had to do it, fathers to take care of their daughter.
There was a reason of land.
We need to keep this land.
In the family, there was a reason to do it.
So, when it comes to arranged marriages, I think the biggest impetus hey, I think I want to go down this road.
I think it's necessary.
There are, you know, five other families in our church.
There's just not a lot of options.
I want to take the impetus and I want to do it.
I think the biggest thing is a justification, a context.
I'm doing this because my daughter's 24 and 25 and wants to be married and have children.
I'm doing this because we live in a rural area.
I don't think there's necessarily the need.
You can tell me what you think.
18, 19, earlier, 17.
I need to get out there and I need to make sure she's married by 20.
I think you can give a little bit of time when younger.
It's as you get older.
And same thing for a man.
A man's maybe 25, he's working hard, he's buying land.
Okay, you know, pursuing women, calling their father, talking to them.
Not a biggest deal at 25.
You're 30, 35.
It's time to settle down.
So, same thing on the other side for daughters being a little younger for the reasons as we mentioned.
How old is your daughter?
What type of context do you live in?
How many eligible people are there around?
How would you best help them to find a spouse?
And so, those are all the considerations that I think of.
What's the reason?
What's the context?
Why?
What does she want?
What is she kind of saying?
You can tell that I'd like to be married.
All my friends have been married.
My siblings have been married.
I would very much so like to.
And taking the initiative and saying, you know what?
That sounds like a good thing.
And I'm going to actively put myself out there and say, how can I help you in this way?
Yep.
I think that's great.
So, fathers be involved, especially fathers of daughters.
And then, in addition to that, just like what Wesley's saying, some of the practical things that you could be thinking now, even if your children are young.
One of the chief decisions you can make today that radically increase the likelihood of your children having godly spouses tomorrow is where you live.
Honestly, that's one of the big things that I've talked to several different couples who have young children and they're thinking about the future and thinking about these things.
Telling them, like, do you want your family to be split up and physically, geographically separated over the whole face of the country?
No?
Great.
Neither do I.
I would like for our family to stay together.
I'd like to be able to see my grandchildren one day more than twice a year.
All those kinds of things.
I'd like to have, you know, an ongoing relationship with my children when they are adults.
Okay.
Well, one thing to help ensure that you can't guarantee it, God might call one of your children to be a missionary or something like that.
But again, as a general rule, ordinarily, if you want to have an active, continual, consistent relationship with your children when they're older and therefore with their children, your grandchildren, One of the things that you can do that's very practical is while they're young, move to a place, if you don't live there already, where your children, when they're adults, will have a future.
And what that means is a place where there is, as an absolute necessity, at least one godly local church that your family can belong to in covenant membership.
Ideally, though, I'm going to throw this out there ideally, you want better odds for your children and spouses and those kinds of things.
Find an area where there are multiple Orthodox, biblical, faithful local churches that have a conservative, theological view of the scripture that are going to be like minded in all the things that you view as being virtuous and important.
So, going to a place that is highly churched is a positive, it's a net positive for your children's prospects for future spouses.
Also, a place that is economically affordable.
Where they can afford to live, where there's land that they could purchase or that you can help them purchase, where there's also job opportunities, because you can move off into the boom docks where there's plenty of land, but there is absolutely nowhere for them to work, right?
So that has to be considered.
So, where can I go where there are churches, AKA meaning Christians, other Christian families, as many as possible that think like us, that have the convictions we have, where there's affordable, Costs of living, or at least more affordable comparatively to other places in the country where there's land, where there are jobs, decent paying jobs.
You might also be considering, you might be convicted with homeschooling.
I get that.
That's becoming increasingly day by day my own personal conviction.
But if you're someone who is considering schooling options, you should not be considering public school.
But so then looking at this place, does it have churches?
Also, does it have Christian schools?
Right, so churches, Christian schools, affordable living, land that can be purchased, and job opportunities, and then looking at a place that has those things.
And even if the whole ship is going down, right, if America is like the Titanic, well, what do you do if you're on the Titanic and you're a father and you have you know little children?
Do you just stay in your room and just go down with the ship, or do you give them, even though you think it may be hopeless, do you still buy your children?
As much time as you possibly can?
Do you take your children in your arms and run them to the top side of the ship that's going to go down last, giving them every fighting chance that maybe they could get on a lifeboat?
Maybe they can live a little bit longer?
Maybe they can survive?
That's what you do.
So maybe the whole country is going to hell in a handbasket.
It sure looks that way.
It feels that way.
But even if that's the case, okay, well, if the whole country is going to hell in a handbasket, do I raise my kids in Manhattan with the Muslim socialist mayor?
One of the most liberal cities in the country that's going to go to hell in a handbasket first?
Or do I pick somewhere else where, you know, even if the whole country goes to hell in a handbasket, it goes there last, right?
Like those are the kinds of things that we're talking about.
It's very practical things.
So as a father, especially of daughters, am I going to be involved in helping them find a husband?
I think the answer should be yes.
And then both in the case of sons and daughters, am I building a life for myself and my wife and my children where my children will have a fighting chance to build a life there too?
Or have I selected to live somewhere where I can afford to live, but I know that there's a 98% chance that my children won't be able to?
And so, right here at the end, the last kind of example that I'll give is to brag on my father in law, because I think he did this very, very well.
My father in law worked hard and was successful.
And because of his hard work and success and giftings and all those kinds of things, and of course, the grace and providence of God, he got to a place where he was able to make not just survive, But make a good living well above his needs.
He was living below his means, well below his means, saving money, stewarding money, investing money, all those kinds of things.
And he was able to do that in the larger San Diego area of California.
When his children were older and married husbands and began to have children of their own, he was able to quickly detect my sons in law.
He had daughters.
So the men who married my daughters.
It's not just because they're being lazy or because of some moral deficiency, but my sons in law are not going to be able to provide for my daughters in the way that I was, not even close.
And so, even though he was financially fine, he could have lived and retired and died in sunny Southern California by the beach with great weather every single day.
He could have done that, he could afford to do that.
But he knew that his daughters and grandchildren would not be able to.
And instead of just sitting there and waving goodbye as they move to fly over country, many such cases, many people, you know, leaving California, leaving New York, leaving these places to go to the middle of the country where maybe it's a little bit less desirable in terms of the weather, you know, or the view.
You don't necessarily get to live on the coast, but it's affordable.
And instead of just sitting in California and waving goodbye to his daughters and to his grandchildren, he actually initiated, he saw the writing on the wall.
Saw that it was going to be virtually impossible for his children and grandchildren to have the life that he did.
And so he was the one who initiated and said, Hey guys, why don't we all just pack up and move together?
And he moved the whole family to Texas and helped them to settle and to be able to get houses that they could afford and jobs that would cover the bills.
And that was, I think, an incredibly godly, righteous thing.
To do.
And it was a very practical thing.
He didn't arrange marriages for his daughters, and he's not currently working to arrange marriages for his grandchildren.
But he did one key thing.
He just geographically, economically, practically positioned his children and grandchildren in a place that would buy them time.
Yeah.
It made all the difference in the world.
An incredibly loving and godly decision that all of his children and sons in law, me being one of them, and the grandchildren for decades will be able to remember, recognize, and as the Proverbs say, rise up and call him blessed.
And he deserves it.
And so, even something like that, it's like, well, we've got our one local church that hasn't bowed the knee to the spirit of the age.
Okay, great.
How many people are in that church?
Well, it's 50 people strong, including kids.
All right.
And what are the other churches?
That have the caliber of conviction and resolve like your church does.
Well, there are none within a hundred mile radius.
Okay.
And then what's the cost of living, you know, in your California town where there's only one faithful local church within a hundred mile radius?
Okay.
Great.
All right.
And then what's the, you know, what's the school options?
Okay.
Great.
What's the job options?
Okay.
Great.
The cost of living is this.
Okay.
So by you remaining there, you have virtually decided that your children will either be compromised.
Or leave.
They will either have to compromise to stay near you so that you actually have an active relationship in your grandchildren's lives one day.
They'll have to stay and compromise and raise your grandchildren to be heathens.
Or they'll have to not compromise and leave, and you'll have to go get on a plane twice a year and barely see your kids and grandkids.
Living Near Christian Community00:03:19
Or here's an idea you could just get over the weather.
Like, I understand the weather is nice.
But you're talking about the souls of your own posterity, your own future generations.
I mean, guys, like when are we just going to call it what it is?
You have a choice between low humidity or the salvation of your grandchildren.
And we have Christians, older Christians, continually making excuses when, if they were honest, they would just come out and say it.
We care more about the weather than the souls of our grandchildren because that's what it is.
We should probably stop doing that.
Stop doing that.
So, anyways, I think that's just one right there at the end practical way to live your kids, love your kids, is to determine with wisdom where you're going to live and what future prospects that makes available for them economically, academically, and certainly in the realm of who they will marry.
And on that note of location, I think my ideal, as I think about my children, ideally they would marry families we've known for a while.
One of the best ways I'm going to be able to assess, for example, a potential suitor for my daughter is I know what.
His dad is like, I know what his family's like because I've gone to church with them for 20 years.
I have that assurance.
I know the family.
But if you raised your children somewhere like you're describing, you don't have that, and you're 18, you're like, you know what?
I see it now.
I see it clearly.
You're right.
We should do that.
The ship has sailed.
You don't get those years back.
That huge avenue, like that is one of the, honestly, probably the biggest way, at least in a time past, that people met their spouse was they were childhood friends.
They knew each other's family.
They lived on the same street.
They went to the same church.
Growing up, they have this familiarity that quickly blossomed into romantic love as they got older.
That is a huge way that people meet one another.
Online dating sucks.
Online dating is full of terrible people.
I have a daughter.
I'm looking toward her future husband.
Do I know his dad?
Oh my goodness.
Wait, I do.
That's Crusader Pepe.
He's been Christ posting and owning the list for 20 years.
Are you kidding me?
Yep.
That's, oh, there you go.
Arranged marriage.
Maybe not quite, but, um, But the point is, you don't get those years back.
And you will by choosing to live somewhere like you described, not around a lot of Christian community, not around people that your children can marry, and they turn 18, you have lost that avenue.
Right.
There is not getting it back.
We can and should repent, and you can repent of where God, I'm sorry that I prioritize the weather, that I prioritize this job, that it didn't make the Christian church, the community of saints a big deal.
Right.
But you don't get those years back, and your children, and now having to find a spouse some other way, even if you're still involved, it is going to be a lot harder.
Yep.
That is a fact.
That is just the reality of nature.
And statistics are, and you can't get over it, they're going to marry a worse spouse.
Or at the very least, it's going to be harder.
It's going to take longer.
They're going to know less about them.
There's going to be more surprises in marriage.
I mean, women all the time on dating apps, they marry a terrible guy because their dad's not involved.
They didn't grow up with them.
Oh, turns out he beats women, but I found that out after I married him.
Thanksgiving and Family Priorities00:01:26
Right.
And that's terrible, but boy, how could this have been avoided?
Let me think.
Let me think.
Oh.
She could have been surrounded by Christian men that were eligible for marriage in a church for the last 20 years instead of nobody.
Right, right, right, right.
Okay.
So it is now Wednesday and we have Thanksgiving tomorrow, which we're very excited about.
I hope that you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving, honoring the Lord and celebrating with you and yours.
And then Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, because we broadcast on three times a week Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, because it's the Friday.
Right after Thanksgiving, we're going to go ahead and take that off for ourselves to spend time with our families and for you as well to not just be glued to a screen, but spend time with your spouse, with your kids, in laws and outlaws.
So we will see you guys, Lord willing, on Monday, which I believe will be December 1st.
Is that right?
The next time that we broadcast will be on Monday, December 1st at 3 p.m. Central Time.
Right here at the end, do us a favor, make sure to subscribe on YouTube, right?
Response Ministries on YouTube.
Subscribe and click the bell, and then also follow us on X.
The handle is at Right Response M as in Ministries.
At Right Response M. Make sure to follow us on X and also click the bell there as well.
And as I said, have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and we will see you, Lord willing, on Monday at 3 p.m. Central Time.