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July 11, 2023 - The Matt Walsh Show
08:46
Matt Walsh Reviews The Star Wars Movies

Matt Walsh reviews the Star Wars movies. - - - 
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Look at him, he's heading for that small moon.
That's no moon.
New Hope, the first one made.
There's a very bad feeling about this.
Really not a good movie.
It's really not that good.
My sons are major into Star Wars now.
I don't know how it happened.
I tried to shield them from the fate of becoming a Star Wars fan, but against my wishes, they become obsessed with Star Wars.
It's like something, it's like almost something evolutionary, something clicked in their minds, and all of a sudden they're running around the house with lightsabers.
Let me see what you have!
No!
Side note to the side note, on Friday, my son says to me, he says, Daddy, I want to be a Jedi when I grow up.
And I said, oh, you know, me too.
I might not be a big Star Wars fan, but I'd love to be a Jedi.
And he said, but you're already grown up and you're not a Jedi.
And I said, yeah.
Yeah, that's true.
Daddy, you failed.
Yes, I did.
In so many ways, son.
In so many ways.
Kids always know how to lift your spirits like that.
But anyway, so I watched the movie and I'm at the age of 33 now and I'm just now getting acquainted with Star Wars Universe, so I have only two questions I want to throw out there.
Always two there are.
No more, no less.
First of all, and this was bugging me the whole time I'm watching the movie.
Are people drawn to the dark side because they want to wear the cool helmets and masks?
I've noticed a real deficiency with the good guys when it comes to cool helmets and masks.
Why is it that only the bad guys wear them?
And they wear them when they don't need to.
You've got Stormtroopers walking around the ship on friendly territory, and apparently the ship's oxygenated, so they could take the helmet off, but they're in the break room having some coffee and they've got the helmet still on.
And I get it because it looks cool.
It's a cool look.
And my thing is, the good guys, they could probably... I mean, Kylo Ren, right?
The whole reason he went to the dark side is honestly just that he wanted to wear a cool helmet and he wanted to look like Darth Vader.
That's the whole reason.
That's the only reason he became a bad guy.
I think the good guys could really stop that from happening and kind of stop the bleeding, as it were, losing all these Jedis to the dark side.
If someone just ran to Party City and grabbed some costumes, And then they could say to somebody like Kylo Ren, no, no, no, look, we got costumes too, you know?
You want your own costume?
You want to design something?
That's fine.
We've got people that can make costumes.
Kylo Ren is a punk b****.
And then my second question, and this, this really, this, this bugs me the most, and this honestly might be one of the main reasons I never got into Star Wars.
You're in a galaxy with extraordinarily advanced technology.
We're talking so advanced that just your average commuter ships can go the speed of light.
That's the kind of technology you have.
On top of that, you've got robots that can pass the Turing test.
They're conscious.
C-3PO appears to be conscious, right?
He has thoughts and feelings.
Goodness gracious me.
Really advanced technology.
And yet you're using swords.
A lightsaber is a glorified sword.
It's a laser sword.
An elegant weapon for a more civilized age.
All of this technology and you're using a sword to fight people.
You're telling me you couldn't come up with a weapon that would make that sword irrelevant?
And if a guy comes at you with a laser sword, you could just shoot him, right?
And that'd be the end of it.
Now, I know you're gonna say, oh, well, they could block what you see in the movie.
They block the lasers with their sword.
Yeah, that's because the laser guns, the lasers that come out of the lasers in the laser guns are super slow.
You see how slow those lasers are?
They go at the speed of a Nerf bullet.
And that's why they're so easy to block.
And everyone gets on the Stormtroopers case when they say, the joke is the Stormtroopers can't hit anybody, and they got the worst aim in the galaxy.
But the reason is that the lasers are going so slow, so they're easy to dodge.
So why not make a gun with a laser that goes the speed of an actual laser?
He's too dangerous to be left alive.
And in lieu of that, just get a regular gun, like a sawed-off shotgun.
And you could kill every Jedi in the galaxy, no problem.
It's over, Anakin!
I have the high ground!
You underestimate my power!
It just doesn't make any sense.
And it bothers me.
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The reviews for this new Star Wars movie?
Have come out, and right now, last I checked on Rotten Tomatoes, I think it's got like a 58%, which is bad.
Rotten.
According to Rotten Tomatoes.
And so it's just being abysmally rated.
I think it's going to end up being perhaps the worst rated, reviewed Star Wars movie yet.
Even worse than Phantom Menace, which was an abomination in so many ways, as most people know.
There's only so much story to be told.
So this is, what, the ninth Star Wars movie?
And I'm not even counting all the other peripheral things and the offshoots and the other spinoffs and the TV shows.
So there's even more than that.
But just in the primary film franchise, we're now on the ninth movie, right?
And if they're each about two hours long on average, let's say, we're talking about 18 hours.
18 hours.
Is there really 18 hours worth of story to be told based on this?
I'm telling you, if you watch that first Star Wars movie, New Hope, it is really not a good movie.
It honestly isn't.
If you go in cold, it's really not that good.
Dude, Matt straight up sucks.
The acting is...
Bad.
Mark Hamill is not a good actor.
But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters.
The script is not good.
The dialogue is clunky.
It's kind of campy and kind of fun, I guess.
But my point is, it's really not a great film.
And then you have to look at that and ask yourself, is there 18 hours worth of material to be mined from that?
Even a really, really great film.
Which, with that is complex and dense and with great characters and everything, you're probably not going to find 18 hours worth of material from it.
But the first Star Wars movie isn't even that great.
And it just goes on and on and on.
Each new Star Wars movie, it just repeats, just over and over gets the same story repeated over and over and over and over and over again.
How many times do we have to see the same story?
While the Star Wars universe, I don't think, Has enough in it to justify 18 hours of story?
The actual universe does.
What I mean is, if you want to make a movie, a sci-fi movie about things happening in space, where it involves aliens and spaceships and adventures, I say, great, do that.
There's literally endless possibilities for telling stories set in space.
But all of our, all the resources in Hollywood and everything is focused on, well, if we're going to tell a space story, it has to be Star Wars.
It's like, just, can we get away from the Star Wars thing?
And if we have filmmakers and scriptwriters and actors who want to do a movie about space, just let them do that.
It doesn't need to be Star Wars.
Can we just put that aside?
Fine, we've done Star Wars.
We get it.
People are just itching.
I gotta go see it again.
Did I wait four days in the rain, peeing into my own hand and drinking it to get Phantom Menace tickets for the third time?
Yes!
I did.
I've seen this same movie eight times already, and now I gotta go on opening weekend to watch it again, one more time.
I'm gonna hand my money over to Disney.
Here's some money.
Go see a Star Wars.
They have no respect for me as a fan, as a viewer, because they're just shoving tripe into my mouth.
It's garbage.
They're not even trying to make an original story.
It's just reheated.
It's leftovers.
And you go and you give them their money.
And they literally shovel it into your mouth.
I mean, who would do that?
This is what we do with Hollywood.
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