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June 24, 2023 - The Matt Walsh Show
08:20
Matt Walsh Tries (And Fails) To Play Call Of Duty

Matt Walsh plays Call of Duty Modern Warfare for the first time ever. Try Hallow for 3 months FREE: https://hallow.com/mattwalsh Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Well, I don't know if you have heard about this, but something that's really popular these days with the kids are video games.
Die!
A lot of kids play the video games, and even more than that, apparently, kids will also sit and watch other people play video games on the internet.
How is it a f***ing game?! !
I want to judge you for that if you do that, but then again, I will sit and watch a YouTube video of somebody bass fishing for two and a half hours.
Look at Cody's face.
Show him the belly on that thing.
Give him a dang spanking, too.
He's been a little naughty today.
So I guess I can't really judge too much.
So today I'm going to play a video game and I guess offer my review of it or something.
Last video game system I owned was, and the last one I played, was Super Nintendo.
I was a big Super Mario Brothers fan.
Super Mario World, rather.
We're gonna give this a shot.
This is, um... What is this that I'm playing?
This is Call of Duty.
It's, uh, Call of Duty Modern Warfare.
Call of Duty Modern Warfare is what this is.
And we'll, uh... I've literally never played a game like this in my entire life.
But we will.
I don't even know how to start it.
They gave me the quick tutorial and I already forgot how to... How do I start it?
So you're gonna push the X button to begin the game.
Okay.
X. Alright, we're in London.
What's the mission?
Can I skip past all the... I don't care about the story.
I just want to get... I want to get into shooting people.
That's the main thing I'm into here.
It's only about a 20 second cutscene, and then you'll get to the action.
Okay, but I'm still bored.
Looks like we're on our own, lads.
We'll handle it.
Let's get it done, yeah?
Affirm.
Sergeant?
Yeah, these graphics are pretty impressive, I gotta say.
These are pretty fancy graphics.
What's up?
White van?
That is the level of review you're going to get from me.
These are some fancy graphics!
First of all, I'm not seeing any coins to collect.
Are there any mushrooms that will make me grow tall or help me fly?
Not in war.
How do I shoot?
You broke the rules of engagement, don't shoot first.
What?
What is the fun of a video game where you can't shoot first?
We're letting out our violent fantasies so we don't do it in real life, isn't that the whole point?
Oh god, I just stabbed a parking attendant.
Where's the button to turn myself in?
What's happening right now?
Oh sh**.
Okay.
Am I going the- wait, I just- oh.
Can I jump on them and make them disappear?
How do I jump?
X, the X button.
But if I jump that won't do anything.
Can I kick?
No.
How do I duck?
How do I duck?
What?
I don't know what's happening right now.
First of all, this is, can I just say something before we continue?
The graphics are impressive.
Very fancy, very real looking.
But isn't the whole, for me, going back to my childhood, playing Super Mario World.
You're in this cartoon, you're in basically someone else's LSD hallucination.
And I thought that was sort of the point.
So what's the, if I want to be in reality, then if I want to be in an environment that looks like a street, I'll just go out to the street.
Well, this looks almost like the real world.
Well, it's the real world's right here.
You know what?
I can just look away from the TV and look over here.
Whoa, those are good graphics.
So I don't know, there's almost too much realism for me.
You know, it's clear that the left is giving up their morals and any common sense.
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Okay, how do I switch my weapon to get something a little bit more normal?
If you go over to a gun on the ground and push square.
A gun on the ground, okay.
Where's the gun on the ground?
Walk the opposite direction.
It's, it's, I'm turning around way too fast.
Oh, right there.
No, I wanted like a bazooka or something.
Do I have like a machine gun, or?
Let's get, let's get going here.
Let's start shooting some people.
Oh.
Got him, son of a ****.
So there's been a terrorist attack in London, and now we're going out to kill the terrorist.
My team has deserted me.
They're... You're walking away from the action.
Wait, how do I get back to...
I didn't... I wanted to go around the corner and cut off the bad guys on the other side.
This is big brain time.
Alright.
Well, maybe the civilians should get out of the freaking way.
What are you doing running through live fire, you morons?
Well, get down.
Get behind a car or something.
Get down.
I didn't even shoot that guy.
I didn't shoot him.
Okay, I did shoot that guy.
You know what?
This is their fault.
I'm just firing and... I got this guy.
That's your teammate.
Oh.
Wait, how do I get back to that?
Wait a second, I'm shooting this guy.
So, how am I doing so far?
Pretty poorly?
You're a good soldier if I've ever seen one.
I can tell you right now, I'm not a video game fan.
You know, somewhat infamously.
You know, there's kind of a story behind that, sort of a traumatic story, but this is actually my super villain origin story, because I wanted Nintendo 64 for Christmas.
And I was told by my parents, oh yeah, we'll get you a Nintendo for Christmas.
And so I was bragging about it.
Oh, I'm going to get N64 for Christmas.
And then Christmas comes and all my friends get N64.
And I got a Super Nintendo.
And then I went to school the next day, and everyone was talking about their N64s, and I don't want to be embarrassed, so I lied and said that I got N64 too, and they were asking me, oh, what kind of games did you play?
What kind of games?
Oh, you know, yeah, just the normal ones.
And it was this whole web of lies until finally it was exposed when some friends came over and saw that I only had a Super Nintendo.
Anyway, the point is, maybe that's the reason why I've always hated video games, and I don't play them now.
Or, it's possible I don't play them now because I'm, what do you call it, a grown-up.
I'm a grown-ass man.
And that's really the main thing.
Alright, I'll try it one more time.
What's the objective?
I kill the terrorists and then... Just to stay alive.
My objective now is just to survive for more than 30 seconds.
Alright, I feel pretty safe here.
Apparently not.
If I can find this plant here.
Oh!
Oh, he's right there.
I got him right in the crotch.
I don't get extra lives?
Isn't that a video game thing?
I'm just gonna keep going.
I'm charging into a line of fire.
I'm taking fire, but it's alright.
This is courage right now on my part.
Courageous soldier is a dead soldier, as they say.
And there I go.
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