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Kids Teasing and Apologies
00:03:16
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And now, Deep Tweets by Matt Walsh.
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Earlier I tweeted that emojis are for children and women and that grown adult men shouldn't use them.
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I'm trending on Twitter now because many people are rightly angry about it.
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I apologize.
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I should have mentioned that emojis are also for illiterates.
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Forgive my oversight.
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[music]
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My seven-year-old pangender child Sundance just came right up to me and asked,
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"Matt, what happens if there's another January 6th?"
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Can our democracy survive?
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I looked them right in the eyes and said, my child, it's already dead.
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We just held each other and sobbed.
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My pronouns are me and myself.
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When you refer to me, you must say me, which means you'll be talking about yourself because I identify as you and also me.
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I identify as everyone.
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Your identity has been collapsed into mine.
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You must respect this or else you are transphobic.
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Then he promptly ran into a wall and nearly knocked himself unconscious.
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Update, I'm told that his sister came up with a toilet paper solution.
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Now it's all starting to make sense.
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Update I dropped a very clever. You must be red in the face about this joke, but no one left
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I would like to sincerely apologize for the reckless comments that got me suspended
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I now realize that biology doesn't exist, science is a myth, men are women, women are men, penises are vaginas, and vaginas are penises.
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It all makes sense to me now.
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I regret the error.
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Parenting young children is just shouting, "Where are your shoes?"
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over and over again into a void until the words seem to lose all meaning.
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[Music]
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The government literally admitted that we're being invaded by space aliens today, and you people don't even care.
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Well, they may not have admitted it exactly, but I choose to interpret the events in this way and live my truth.
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Announcement I didn't do it for the accolades, but if anyone does want
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to nominate me for a Nobel Peace Prize in recognition of my philanthropic endeavors, I will not
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turn down the award.
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Look, sometimes kids grab steak knives and stab other kids in the driveway.
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We've all been there.
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Just innocent kid stuff.
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Can't believe the cops had to get involved at all.
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Let kids be kids.
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My son told me that a kid was teasing him by rhyming his name in insulting ways.
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I asked him the other kid's name and gave him some ideas for rhymes he could use against him.
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